The 3 Types of Children Who Bully

Their Parents
and the good news and bad news about dealing with each.
All children have unique personalities and temperaments, but kids who bully their
parents have very particular traits, and three most prevalent styles:
1. The Defiant Bully

Is your kid always opposing you?

Does your kid blackmail you?

Are you afraid of your kids anger?

The most challenging of the bullying personality types, these in-your-face kids are
exceedingly confrontational and oppositional. If you say, "Go right, they will go left. If
you say, "Sit still, they will run. Impulsive, impatient, and reckless, defiant bullies
want to live on their own terms. They reject every attempt parents make to manage
their behavior. If youre a single parent, defiant kids can be particularly aggressive:
With only one parent to focus on, youre likely to get a double-dose of defiance.
Self-righteous and puffed up with false confidence, such kids delight in debateand
are determined to win every argument. For them, being right takes priority over
being respectful or getting along. When you try to stand up to their bullying, they may
turn obsessive and harass you until you give in. Determined to get their way, theyll
stop at nothing.
Good News and Bad News
Defiance is not necessarily a problematic trait. Many artists, inventors, designers,
and original thinkers have a healthy defiant streak. They pioneer new ways of
thinking because they oppose conventions. They use their defiance as a creative
force for inspiration and vision. In other words, when defiance is fused with ambition

and channeled into creativity, it is progressive. Defiant kids have a lot of unbridled
and unfocused energy. The challenge is to help them channel it into a positive outlet.
But in fact, every well-adjusted kid has a healthy dose of defiance. If children are too
cooperative or accommodating, they lack definition and leave no lasting imprint on
others. You dont want your kid to agree with you all the time. You want her to have
her own opinions and views.
Now heres the bad news about defiance: It takes a lot of effort to help a kid with a
defiant bullying style see any relationship as a two-way streetand the longer the
pattern has been in place, the more difficult it is to reverse. It takes energy and
commitment to help a defiant kid break old habits and foster new ones.
What Drives the Defiant Kid?
Underneath the bravado of defiance is a kid who, for some reason, feels
unrecognized and undervalued. She lives with a fear of others forgetting her or
leaving her out. No matter how much attention she gets, positive or negative, its
rarely enough.
Youd never know how vulnerable defiant kids feel because they conceal their
insecurities so well. And yet ultimately, defiance is a form of dependency. Heres
why: In order to feel whole, defiant kids must have something to defy. Pushing
against someone or something gives them a false sense of strength. For example,
imagine a kid leaning against a wall. He may appear secure but what happens when
you take the wall away? He falls down. Defiance works in the same way: Without
someone or something to defy, defiant kids cant keep their stance.
What do defiant kids gain from their defiance? Defiance forms a protective barrier
against interpersonal insecurities, providing a temporary identity for kids who feel
uncertain about their individuality. Kids with a defiant bullying style are easily
misinterpreted: Their defiance creates the illusion that they are strong and secure,
when actually its just the opposite. Spend enough time with defiant kids and youll
sense their insecurities just below the surface.
2. The Anxious Bully

Is your kid continually on the verge of a breakdown?

Does she need constant comforting and reassuring?

Are his angst-filled monologues wearing you down?

Anxious children tend to oscillate between clinging to their parents and pushing them
away. Of course, its natural for kids to turn to their parents for comfort, but an
anxious kids fretfulness is exhausting. Anxious children have little or no self-soothing
skills. The moment they feel threatened or frightened, they run to their parents for
reassurance. Once they receive comfort, they reject their parents againand so the
cycle repeats itself.
In their heart, anxious kids dont want to be dependent on their parents, but they
cant break free of their reliance on them. They appear less outwardly aggressive
than defiant kids, but their bullyingpowered by constant needinessis no less
intense. Heres the worst part: If anxious kids dont learn to be self-reliant, their
parents will become enablers. When this happens, the kids rarely leave home or find
their own way in the world: Lovethat enables ultimately disempowers.
Good News and Bad News
The good news: Unlike defiant kids who outwardly rebel, anxious kids are
too fearful to put themselves in dangerous situations, so they rarely engage in risky
behaviors. Parents are more likely to beg them to leave their rooms and venture out
into the world. But the more parents try to push them out the door, the more anxious
kids will dig in. Hunkering down in a bedroom is far more satisfying than the
unknowns that lie beyond it. For anxious kids, the familiar always wins over the
unknown.
The bad news: Anxious children have trouble growing up. Anything chancy, anything
that involves risk, increases their anxiety. As a result, they miss out on many
opportunities for growth.
What Drives the Anxious Kid to Bully?
Parents of anxious kids often wonder:

Was my kid born anxious?

Am I doing something wrong?

Is something that I dont know about causing him anxiety?

These are great questions, but rather than getting caught in the old dilemma of
nature vs.nurture, consider nature and nurture to get a clear diagnostic picture. For
example, lets consider your childs age, temperament, and family history:

Is there a history of anxiety in your family?

Have you had difficulties with anxiety?

Has your kid always been anxious, or did it come on suddenly?

If your family has a history of anxiety, its more likely that your child inherited this trait.
Also keep in mind that anxiety is contagious: Parents who are anxious, or families
that are filled with conflict and angst, are more likely to produce anxious children.
But even if your child seems wired for anxiety, there are plenty of things you can do
to break the cycle. First, lets look for changes in his or her environment that could be
generating anxiety:

Have there been any modifications in family routines, such as moving,

changing schools, or starting a new class?

Are your childs social insecurities ongoing or recent?

Did he or she experience a traumatic event?

Sudden changes in mood or temperament usually have clear precipitating events,

which are easy to spot and typically affect the whole family. Developmental shifts,
however, many will overlook: For example, its common for many kids to develop offthe-wall anxiety as they enter adolescence. This stage, with its surge of hormones,
massive psychological shifts, and physiological maturation triggers enormous
insecurities in preteens and teens. Many kids who were calm, cool, and collected in
elementary school suddenly turn turbulent in middle and high school. We refer to
these responses to adolescence asnormative developmental crises.
3. The Manipulative Bully

Is your kid an excellent liar?

Does he know how to exploit your fears?

Are you blackmailed with threats of self-harm?

If you suffer fears and insecurities about your parenting, it wont take long for a
manipulative bullying child to home in on them, particularly if you are an anxious
or guiltyparent. Phony illness or injuries, elaborate plots, extortion, blackmailthese
are the tools that the manipulative bully uses to extort his wants and needs from his
parents by preying on their anxieties and generating self-doubt.
This can make the manipulative bully sound like a monster, destined to ruin a family.
Of course, thats not true: Just as with the defiant and anxious bullying styles, the
manipulative bully is trying to manage his fears and insecurities, in this case by
controlling his environment and everyone in it. Getting to the root of his fears, and
helping him put them into words, is key to helping a manipulative bully develop better
ways of relating.

From Conflict to Cooperation

Naturally, childrens personalities are too complex to fit into such tidy little categories.
The bullying styles discussed here offer a lens through which to view your own
childs behavior. With a clearer understanding of his or her bullying style, you will
gain a deeper understanding of the child's inner life and be better prepared to steer
your relationship in a new direction. Keep in mind that beneath the tough exterior of
every bully is a scared child, constantly wrestling with insecurities and worries.
Bullying is an expression of this internal unrest. By understanding what makes your
bully tick, you will gain insight into the nature of her fears, better understand the
forces that fuel her bullying, and become poised to take action to restore balance.
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