August & Emmett

___________ ELECTION 2016

August has called the shots for four years.

Now Emmett wants his turn
A House Divided Shall Not Stand.
Who
Goodwillevening.
win? Welcome to the 2016
Presidential Debates. We have
incumbent August Theis who has
presided in this house for four years.
Thank you, what a beautiful crowd. Beautiful.
And newcomer Emmett Theis who is
vying for his chance at the top spot.
I am your moderator, Mommy. Lets
start with opening statements
Ha!
Its that time again. Election season.
Another four years of your life gone.
For me, it was the best four
years of my life.
Okay. It was
the only four
years of my
life
Still, it was
pretty great.
You know why?
Youre looking at
him.
The sunlight
during some
dark days.
The other candidate will tell you
newer is better. Not now. These
are times when experience
counts. Thanks to a concerted
effort weve
gotten our
house back in
order."
When you say, concerted effort you
mean ME, right? Mommy. Ive been
able to stay home and put our
finances and house in order.
This is true. And THANKS TO ME
youve been able to stay home
to treat yourself. Like to fancy
haircuts and extra naps.
UmMr. Emmett, your response?
Gah!
Interesting. Are you saying the Spanish
word for war? Guerra? Are you proposing
another war? Perhaps in a Spanish
speaking country?
Bah-Bah.
Bah-Bah? Do you mean Bolivia? For their oil?
Do you have plans to support your proposal?
Da Da.

Da Da? You mean your father? Will he

help this war like George Bushs father
helped him in the Middle East?
Da Da.
Um. Mr. August, your opponent claims
he can secure oil from South America. If
successful this could bring millions of
dollars to our country. What do you say?
I have nothing to fear. I have driven
our country toward a stable economy.
Job creation was a cornerstone of my
presidency.
From Firefighters
To
Manufacturing
to Art & Design.
Not to
mention city
planning and
infrastructure:
We have seen growth in
Education, another top priority.
Sir, but isnt it true that your own house
has seen 50% unemployment. A 50%
decline since your inauguration?
I disagree. My mother is now in the
alternative sector. Shes creating new jobs
in our house where they didnt exist. Just
ask daddy. In fact, you could say our
house is more efficient thanks to her.
Mr. President, why should the people keep
you as Commander-in-Chief of the Theis
household? Some say youve been calling
the shots long enough
 Now is NOT the time for CHANGE. Now is the
time for STABILITY. Our house is growing. We
have more mouths to feed. I am the one who
can make this happen. Im the boss! Me!
This MY HOUSE! Mine! Mine!
Mr. President, Im sorry to ask, but
do you need a time out?
Mr. President, you can ILL FINISH
finish the debate like a THE DEBATE
big boy or you can take a LIKE A BIG
break in the Oval Office. BOY!
Excuse
me?
I am prepared to finish this debate. I told you
about jobs. What about the environment?
Our Secretary of the Environment
Me again.
Yes mommy, YOU have committed our
household to three more years of
fossil-free, renewable cloth diapers.
.
Mr. August
what do
you say to
those who
say this is
ucky?
I would say these are the measures we need to combat
global warming. Produce less waste. Act now.
Mr. Emmett, what are some issues your
Presidency would consider top priority?
Homelessness? Okay. What else?
Is that a whole stick of butter?
So the childhood obesity epidemic?
Anything else?
Is that you coming home for the
first time? So immigration
reform? Opening our borders to
people who need homes?
 Okay. Closing comments. What are
some last arguments you want to
make to convince your voters?
Mr. August, please begin.
Weve
worked
hard to
improve
race
relations.
And more gender equality at
home and on our sports fields.
So ride with me into the
rainbow of tomorrow.
Thank
you!
AGH! GAH! UGGGH!

Um. Okay.
END: What
Final do you say to speculation
words
that you two could run on the same ticket?
Essentially, co-presidents. Is this possible?
I can see my opponent, nah, my partner and
I would have to agree on a lot of issues. But
hes a great guy Lets do it!
You heard it hear first, America. Two
opposing parties, August and Emmett,
joining together to unite one household.
Good night!