gender

Talking
en
but who's
listening?
The idea of engaging more men in counselling training is
espoused enthusiastically but the condition sometimes
seems to be that they are required not to behave as men.
The female stereotype displays necessary qualities for the
activity of counselling, but is that all that counselling is?
asks Chris Rose

IT IS the second term of a two-year counselling diploma course. In the personal

development group Caroline talks about her past depression and her fears of not
coping. At the present time she is particularly concerned about not coping with the
course. Rita says it must be very hard for her because of what she has been through and
several group members nod in agreement. Helen says she feels like that sometimes too.
There is a silence. Steven then says that as far as he can see, Caroline copes really well
on the course. She always gets her work in on time, gets good marks, does well in her
placement, always contributes in the group. She shouldn't worry so much about it. Rita
says that she doesn't think that's a helpful thing to say. 'Caroline is worrying about it
and you just want to gloss over all those feelings.' Anita agrees and refers to an earlier
incident where she felt that Steven just didn't 'get it' when she was upset in the group.
Others nod. Rita continues, saying she finds it very difficult to connect to Steven or to
N really get to know him. At this point Steven says angrily that he feels the group, and
o
o
N particularly Rita, are having a go at him. He says that he has no desire whatsoever to
>-
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::J get to know Rita - she feeds off other people's emotions 'like a bloodsucker' and 'can't
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::J stand me because I won't play her game'. There is a very uncomfortable silence. Steven
«
0:: looks thunderous. Rita looks tearful. The facilitator breaks the silence to remind the
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group of their agreement to treat each other with respect.
;:
THERE are various ways to respond
to this vignette but if I add that Steven
is the only man in the group and that
the facilitator is female, it becomes
clear that the focus here is gender.
Gender is, at last, emerging as an
important issue in this magazine, as
recent articles demonstrate. It is,
however, a slippery and challenging
issue, so woven into our existence that
it is almost impossible to get at a
distance from it and comprehend its
impact. 'I don't have a problem with
gender' is an attitude which testifies to
this difficulty in identifying something
so much a part of ourselves. I would
say that we all have a problem with
gender, the more so if we fail to
recognise how powerfully it shapes our
selves, our clients' selves and the
context within which we live and work.
Ideas about gender have
changed from thinking that it
equals biological sex, to a view
that it is socially constructed. We
become 'men' or 'women' in a
socialising process which begins
before birth and we are born into
a network of attitudes and
assumptions concerning
appropriate gendered behaviour.
One of the most powerful
mediums through which these
attitudes are conveyed, absorbed
and enacted, is language.
Language too is the basis of most
psychotherapy and counselling.
Understanding something of the
relationship between gender and
language can open our ears. We
learn our language within a speech
community, located in a particular
socio-political historical context.
The language that we use is
shaped, not just by our own
individual experiences, but
structured by the socio-cultural
context we inhabit. In the process
of socialisation, we unconsciously
absorb the underwater currents
that swirl around the great issues
of race, class, gender, ethnicity,
sexuality, age, etc - all those
divisions which determine
patterns of domination and
subordination. Gender is
profoundly intertwined with these
other categories, impossible to »
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separate in our lived experience. Cl
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But in order to be able to think, V>
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discuss and develop our N
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understanding, we do need to N
make this artificial separation. o
p
Men and women speak
different languages
I want to review our understanding
of the relationship between language
and gender, but it is important to be
clear that the generalisations which
follow derive largely from white
heterosexual middle-class American
and Northern European samples.
There is another vast area to be
explored in relation to language and
gay communities, as well as other
cultures and other language forms,
which is not dealt with here.
The idea that men and women
speak differently has a long history.
There are folk beliefs, for example,
that women talk more than men, or
'ladies' do not swear, which still
influence us. In the 1970sa great
deal of research was generated from
Lakof's (1975)\ proposal that there
was a distinct speech style used by
To see gender as something that is
performed, and language as a vital resource
in this performance, widens the debate about
gender and counselling/psychotherapy
women. The conclusions were
inconsistent and conflicting but there
were clusters of findings which
suggested that women spoke in ways
which were more sensitive to the
needs of others. This might involve
using fewer direct questions, fewer
commands, more polite or
moderated forms. Another related
cluster suggested that women were
more likely to self-disclose and
discuss personal issues. These two
features of 'face-need' and 'topic'
recur repeatedly in the research
findings of the next 20 years.
N
o
Attention switched to interactional
o
N patterns between men and women in
f-
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:::l the late 1970s and 1980s. Here
L9
:::l evidence was found for consistent
<l:
c: patterns. For example, interruptions
u Lakoff's ideas from the 1970s are
in mixed gender conversations in
e public settings are asymmetrical.
West and Zimmerman (1983)2
found that male speakers made 96
per cent of the interruptions.
West (1984)3 researched
conversations between doctors and
patients and found that doctors
regularly interrupted patients,
except when the doctor was female
and the patient a white male. On
other areas such as 'talking time',
'use of silence', 'topic control',
consistent patterns of interaction
emerged. This led into the now
familiar idea that there are two
linguistic cultures. Men and
women, it was said, belonged to
different speech communities and
learnt to use language in different
ways for different purposes. The
most well known proponent of this
view has been Deborah Tannen.
(1990,1993,1994)4.5.6. This model
maintains that men and women
have different conversational goals.
Men are seeking status and
independence, whereas women are
looking for intimacy and
connection. Men use 'report' talk,
women use 'rapport' talk.
All of this assumes that 'women's
language' is what women speak and
that 'men's language' is what men
speak. In other words, that we have
the category 'man' or 'woman' and
then we express it through
language. In the 1990s this
assumption was overturned.
Language became recognised as a
way of creating a gendered identity,
rather than expressing it. So, for
instance, to signal 'man' or
'woman', certain linguistic forms
can be chosen.
now reproduced in '.A: level
•
language text books as established
facts about how women speak.
John Gay's Men are from Mars,
Women from Venus slogan has
reached a wide and often
uncritical audience. Tannen's more
sophisticated work has received a
degree of popular approval unusual
for an 'academic' writer. They are
all somehow comforting, for they
clarify what we 'know' already
within our culture. In purporting to
'describe, they instruct us in cultural
beliefs concerning how we ought,
as men and women, to talk. For
this reason, Lakoff and Tannen's
work is used in the assisting of
transsexuals wishing to transition.
(Bucholtz and Hall 1995)1.
To signal 'man', speak mainly of
impersonal matters, be interested
in information, value status,
emphasise independence and be
able to openly express aggression,
competition and challenge. To
signal 'woman', talk about
personal issues, disclose, be
attentive and sensitive to the needs
of others and value intimacy and a
sense of connectedness. Our choice
is constrained by the sociocultural
context of our lives but we are not
completely without agency. To see
gender as something that is
performed, and language as a vital
resource in this performance,
widens the debate about gender
and counselling/psychotherapy. Of
course these are stereotypes and
easily dismissed as not applying to
oneself. But they are powerful
patterns within the culture of our
society and within counselling
itself which do not disappear just
because we are uncomfortable
with their 'political incorrectness'.
The PD group with which we
started is a good example of this.
The group is enacting a classic
male-female conflict which
pervades our culture. Being in the
minority, Steven is under pressure
to conform to the dominant
language which prioritises
emotional expression. At this
point he is resisting, with a
possible outcome of isolation,
followed by withdrawal from the
course. What if he too tried to
conform to the dominant culture?
My guess is that then, as a
heterosexual male, he will be
problematic for the group in a
different way. As their
spokesperson, Rita will soon be
commenting upon his lack of
masculinity!
Men must not
behave as men
This is a no-win situation which is
paralleled in the wider counselling
training community. The idea of
engaging more men in counselling
training is espoused enthusiastically,
but the condition sometimes seems
to be that they are required not to
behave as men. The female
stereotype displays necessary
qualities for the activity of
counselling, but is that all that
counselling is? Stereotypes are by
definition rigid structures. If we
perform our gender in inflexible
patterns, there is little scope for
growth. Hossack and Johnson's
article in April's CP] makes this
point clearly in respect of a
masculine stereotype. Yet we seem
to be less aware of the constricting
impact of the female stereotype. In
the group vignette, Steven
challenges it, yet it is not taken
seriously. His comments about
Caroline and Rita bring an
important and different perspective.
Why is it that Caroline is so
focussed around failing whilst
achieving success? Why is it that
Rita relates so intently to distress?
Perhaps in a group where there was
a balance of male and female
members or a group where there
was an awareness of gendered
language styles and a willingness to
look beyond the apparent divide,
these questions would be addressed.
If we are interested in change, for
ourselves and for our clients, then
we cannot afford to ignore these
linguistic stereotypes. Therapeutic,
healthy growth involves the
movement away from stereotypical
speech patterns, to a flexible, mixed
style. This has been well
documented in research done by
Wodak (1986)8, who identified
differences in language use related
to class and gender and then
looked at the ways in which these
altered in the course of group
therapy. In developing a 'balanced'
speech style, breaking out of
stereotypical patterns, group
members acquired new, alternative
modes of behaviour and achieved
significant psychological change. If
we translate this to our vignette,
this would mean that Steven would
develop his ability to talk about
personal issues, disclose, be
sensitive to the needs of others,
value intimacy and connectedness.
Rita would develop her ability to
value independence and status,
openly express anger and be
interested in information and ideas.
Each would have the capacity to
move beyond the gender
stereotype, to speak more than one
language.
A normative pair
Gender is unlike race or class in that
it distinguishes two categories for
whom difference is supposedly
complementary and attractive.
'Male' and 'female' are a normative
pair in the way that 'black' and
'white' are not. Certain
characteristics are assigned to each
of the pair which splits paradoxical
needs and desires into two
categories. The need for both
independence and connection, I
would suggest, is common to all of
us, at least in this culture. The
clilemma this presents is 'solved' by
assigning the components to different
groups. Our ability to recognise
within ourselves both parts of the
paradox can give us opportunities
for growth and change which the
stereotype cannot.
Whilst as women we might be in
favour of Steven's growth, there is
more ambivalence about widening
the female stereotype. Counselling
is an area where 'female' language
can dominate. Why on earth
should we want to change that too
much if society is already
dominated by 'male' language! The
challenges, as always, come ftorn
the marginalised group. This time
it is men who are asking the
questions, seeking to have their
voices heard. It might be tempting
to put our female fingers in our
ears but there is a lot to lose here.
Who wants a counselling
profession where the practitioners
are mainly women, catering to a
predominantly female client
group, whilst men develop the
theoretical basis of our practice,
and take the financial, managerial
and policy decisions? We all need
the 'balanced' identity, the ability
to speak more than one gendered
language, for ourselves and for
our work with clients. If we can
move towards that, then we can
also become trainers and
facilitators with a different range
of responses to the situation
described in the vignette. The
character may be fictitious, but
the dynamics are very real.
Chris Rose is a group
psychotherapist, UKCP registered,
and a BACP accredited counsellor,
working in the NHS and in
private practice. She teaches at
Birmingham University on
group work and also runs
workshops on group-related issues
for Midlands Professional
Development.
chrisrosecifreezone. eo .uk
References
1. Lakoff, R. 1975 Language and
Woman's Place. New York; Harper and
Row.
2. West C. and Zimmerman D,H. 1983,
Small insults: a study of interruptions in
cross-sex conversations between
unacquainted persons. In Thome, B.,
Krarnarae, c., Henley, N. (eds.)
Language, Gender and Society, Newbury
House, Mass.
3. West C. 1984. When the doctor is a
lady. Symbolic Interaction, 7, 87-106
4. Tannen, D. 1990. You just don't
understand: Women and Men in
Conversation. New York: Ballantine.
5. Gender and Conversational
Interaction. Oxford, 1993, OUP .
6. 1994 Gender and Discourse. Oxford
OUP 1994a. Talking from 9 to 5:
Women and Men in the Workplace:
Language, Sex and Power. NY: Avon.
7. Bucholtz M., and Hall K. (eds.) 1995 }>
Gender Articulated: Language and the c
Cl
Socially Constructed Self. London; c
V1
Routledge -i
N
8. Wodak R. 1986 Language Behavior in
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Therapy Groups. Berkeley; University of
California Press