All is Fair By Patrick Gabridge

A play for the woods and/or a meadow.

CHARACTERS:
Stephanie:30s
Trina: late 30s or 40
Felix: 30s
SETTING: A meadow with trees or forest. A picnic basket and a guitar rest on a
blanket in the center of a clearing. After a moment, Stephanie runs into the area,
hotly pursued by Trina. Stephanie is in her late-20s or early 30s and wears shorts
and t-shirt. Trina is in her late 30s (or 40), and wears a dress--slightly torn and
grassstained.
TRINA: I've got you this time, Stephanie.
Stephanie: In your dreams. (Stephanie dives for the guitar and strums it before Trina
can tag her. Trina freezes.)
Felix! Felix, I got her. (Felix walks into the area. He's also in his 30s. (Note: Felix does
not speak vocally. The lines indicated for him are expressed through gesture or
through the guitar.) Stephanie circles Trina.)
Hard to believe there once was a time when Trina Dolan was the unparalleled
tagmaster of the 6th Street Neighborhood. No one could touch her and she could
catch anyone she wanted. Amazing how time takes its toll.
Felix: [Not much of a toll.] (He picks up the guitar and starts to play (directing his
effort towards Trina). He's horrible. Stephanie plops onto the ground and relaxes.)
Stephanie: I could stay like this for hours. The summer sun, tall grass, flowers
blooming. Listen to the sound of the rushing water, birds singing, guitar
caterwauling. Just spend a little time in peace, with my friend, watching our
mindless mannequin. (Trina frowns almost imperceptibly.)
Did I sense a frown? No unhappy faces, Trina. You know the rules. Completely frozen
is completely frozen. Felix, would you knock it off. What? What are you trying to
say?
Felix: [Be nice to Trina. Just be nice.]
Stephanie: I don't get it.
Felix: [Stop picking on Trina.]
Stephanie: Not even a glimmer. Face it, Felix, you're no Orpheus. There's no voice
coming out of that guitar. Hell, there's not even any music coming out of that guitar.
Why don't you just admit that you made a mistake?
You should have waited until you could actually play the guitar before you traded in
your voice. Some people just aren't musical. (she takes his hand) At least you've got
the calluses. That's something... Whoever made you want to do this, have you
thought that maybe she's not worth it? It's been two weeks--has it gotten you what
you want? Will it ever? There are better places to divert your energy. (She takes a
drink out of the picnic basket and approaches Trina.)
Enough with the guitar. You're driving me crazy. Have a drink. (Stephanie pours the
drink on Trina, who doesn't flinch. Stephanie lies in the grass as Felix tries to dry
Trina.)
(Cont'd) A nice afternoon like this puts me right to sleep. Good time for a nap. (She
closes her eyes and pretends to sleep. Felix puts the guitar in her hands. )
FELIX : [Release Trina.]
STEPHANIE: What? Oh, Trina darling. I forgot about you completely. Let's wait
another five minutes.
FELIX:[Now.] (Stephanie strums the guitar. Trina is released.)
TRINA: You're not very nice.
STEPHANIE: Don't be such a baby. Remember when you and Rick put ants in my
ears? That was not very nice. All is Fair 3.
TRINA: That was fifteen years ago. (Felix takes the guitar and starts plucking at it
again.)
STEPHANIE: How about when Joseph put ice in Melody's pants?
TRINA: Must not have bothered her that much. She still married him ... I wish they
were here.
STEPHANIE: She's nine months pregnant. She can barely waddle down the hall, you
can't expect her to play full-contact tag.
TRINA: You're right.
STEPHANIE: I talked to Joseph yesterday, he's a nervous wreck. I'll bet ten bucks he
faints the second she goes into labor.
TRINA: Everyone has their lives now.
STEPHANIE: The others should have come. Tradition is tradition.
TRINA: People get tired of games. This could be the last year.
STEPHANIE: The others will be back. It's just a slow year.
TRINA: Maybe we've outgrown it.
STEPHANIE: I pray to God that we never get too "mature" to play one game of tag
a year.
TRINA: It's no good without them here. I'm going home. (She walks away.)
STEPHANIE: You can't. We just started.
TRINA: I hate getting caught. Maybe we should set some sort of time limit. I hate
standing there forever.
STEPHANIE: That's the whole point. That's the fun.
TRINA: Fun for you. You never get caught.
STEPHANIE: Felix gets caught, he doesn't complain.
TRINA : Don't get me started on that. (Felix pays a lot of attention to Trina now,
walking around her, playing.)
STEPHANIE: Felix has made a decision, possibly rational, and we need to support
him.
TRINA: It is definitely not rational.
STEPHANIE: I'm sure it is, in a twisted sort of way.
FELIX: [Very rational. Love me, Trina.]
TRINA : He hasn't proven anything. Except that he has the mindset of a child and
the willpower of an adult. All is Fair 5.
STEPHANIE: More willpower than the average adult TRINA Thrilling. Two weeks of
musical silent treatment. I deserve better. (She keeps walking. Felix follows her).
Don't go. I'll be nicer, I promise. Felix will be quieter. Won't you, Felix?
FELIX : [Sure.]
STEPHANIE: Just a couple more rounds. Please, Trina. Felix and I will both behave.
TRINA: No.
STEPHANIE: I'll give you a bigger head start. (whispers) I'll try to catch Felix first.
FELIX: [That's not fair.]
TRINA: No thanks.
STEPHANIE: Then you admit defeat. (Trina stops in her tracks.)
TRINA: What?
STEPHANIE: It's the same thing as breaking the freeze.
TRINA: No, it's not.
 STEPHANIE: I am the sole champion. The only one not to break in the History of the
Game. Fifteen years of Mastery.
TRINA: It is not the same thing. What kind of rule is this?
STEPHANIE: You're forfeiting.
TRINA: I'm just going home. There's no minimum number of rounds.
STEPHANIE: You're wimping out. Afraid you can't stay still if I catch you a couple
more times.
TRINA: I am not.
STEPHANIE: That leaves me the winner.
TRINA: Felix? FELIX [Stephanie's right.] TRINA Thanks a lot.
FELIX: [It's not my fault.]
TRINA: You can't hold me hostage.
STEPHANIE: You can go if you want. I don't care. All is Fair 7.
TRINA: I'll stay.
STEPHANIE: Good. I'm "it."
TRINA: And if you catch me this time, you won't be cruel?
STEPHANIE: Am I ever? Okay, okay, I'll be good.
TRINA: (to Felix) And you ... Just give me a little room, until you're ready to actually
speak to me.
FELIX: [I can't stay away.]
STEPHANIE: Ready?
TRINA : Standard count. I don't want any special favors.
STEPHANIE: Thirty. Twenty nine. (she counts down to zero) (Trina and Felix run off in
different directions.) Zero. (She runs after Trina.) (After a moment, Trina runs back
on, pursued by Stephanie. She almost makes it to the guitar, but Stephanie tags her
just in time. Trina freezes. Stephanie picks up the guitar.) All is Fair 8. Felix's voice. It
can set you free, can't it? Not without my help. (Felix enters, looking at the guitar.)
FELIX: [You can't hold the guitar. That's not fair.]
STEPHANIE: Don't worry, Felix. I'm not interested in tagging you. I'm much more
interested in Trina. (She sets down the guitar, making sure Felix isn't going to go
after it). Don't you think she looks a little plain?
FELIX: No.
STEPHANIE: Make-up just won't hide those little wrinkles. We need something more.
Some decoration. I think she needs some green. (Stephanie "decorates" Trina with
leaves and grass.) It's nice. But it still needs more color. Felix? (Felix picks some
flowers then prances back to Trina, bows deeply, and places the flowers on her
(after kissing them first).) Very sentimental. But I think she needs something more
regal, more imposing. (She places a long stick in Trina's hand.) A regular Athena.
The problem is that she seems so natural. We need something to say "This is a work
of Art." A marker. Otherwise people will just walk right by. All is Fair 9. (She starts to
gather sticks and places them in a pile at Trina's feet. Felix helps.)
FELIX: [Perfecto.]
STEPHANIE: Here stands a great work of Art. The Gods themselves would be proud.
(Felix applauds.) When you look at her, she begs to be touched. Unfortunately, she
is untouchable.
FELIX: [Untrue.] He strokes Trina's face gently.
STEPHANIE: That's all you'll ever get back from her. (Felix heads for the guitar,
Stephanie steps in his way.) (Cont'd) Not yet. Let's see how much patience Miss
Trina really has. (She kisses Felix hard. He freezes the instant she touches him. She
folds his arms into an embrace around her. She keeps kissing him, feeling him,
trying to get him to respond, but nothing works. She unwraps herself from Felix's
embrace.) (Cont'd) Devoted puppy dog. She kicks you in the f ace and you lick her
foot. I ought to leave you both frozen, standing there-- "unrequited love." She's a
master of the game, Felix. She won't move. (Stephanie picks up the guitar

THE SKY IS FALLING

by Patrick Gabridge
SETTING: A bare stage with a few stage cubes will work just fine.
AT RISE: SAMANTHA kneels, head bowed, center stage. Perhaps SHE has some sort
of holy book open in front of her on the ground. SHE wears a hard hat. After a
moment, JILL enters. SHE has an air of great holiness about her. SHE also wears a
hard hat. At JILLs arrival, SAMANTHA bows even lower, almost flat on the ground, in
supplication.
JILL: Arise, my child.
SAMANTHA: Greetings, most holy mother, protector and guide. Ola pola mollola.
JILL: Jama haba banana.
AMANTHA: Peace, always. JILL: Peace. I called you here today because I have to let
you know... Our faith is about to be rewarded.
SAMANTHA: I am ready.
JILL: After generations of waiting, the time has finally come. Our transports will
arrive... tomorrow. SAMANTHA: Tomorrow?
JILL: I wish that there had been more time to warn the congregation, but
SAMANTHA: I know the Holy Book says that the day of reckoning and rapture will
come soon, but I didn't really think that it meant... tomorrow.
JILL: Are you prepared?
SAMANTHA: I guess so. Almost. I will be. I will be. Tomorrow.
JILL: You'll be fine. We'll all be fine. Not many people have the chance to see a
prophecy fulfilled. Let alone one like this. You will be at the core of a new human
race. You must enter the mother ship with an open mind and a fresh heart. If you
have any earthly business that must be resolved, now is the time. I know we were
all supposed to have said our goodbyes when we entered the loving embrace of
Ethu, but some farewells are harder than others.
SAMANTHA: I'm glad you understand.
JILL: Do you want me to come with you?
SAMANTHA: No. I'll be fine.
JILL: May God protect and speed you. Don't be late.
SAMANTHA: I don't suppose they'll wait.
JILL: Not an extra second. (JILL exits. Lights shift onto RICKI who crawls on stage
with a shoe raised high in the air. SHEs stalking a spider. SAMANTHA watches her.)
RICKI: Low-life little spider. I ought to pull off a leg or two and send you to your
buddies as a warning. It's wonderful, all the bugs you catch, the beautiful webs you
weave, but not in my house. This is an arachnid-free zone. Maybe I'll just stick your
body to the baseboard. Say goodbye, you little
SAMANTHA: Don't. (RICKI startles at the sound of SAMANTHAs voice, looks at her,
then slams the shoe down on the spider.)
RICKI: What are you doing here?
SAMANTHA: I needed to see you.
RICKI: Did you escape?
SAMANTHA: There's nothing to escape from. I'm with Her Holiness completely of my
own free will.
RICKI: Suppose that should be some sort of a relief. Except that apparently you
haven't so much as called me in more than two years, all of your own free will.
Where's your robes?
SAMANTHA: They generated too much negative energy among the population. We
felt it was important to do a better job of blending.
RICKI: And the hard hat?
SAMANTHA: The sky is falling.
RICKI: I never really thought of Chicken Little as a cult story, but I guess, if you think
about it...
SAMANTHA: I know it all sounds stupid to you.
RICKI: Not just stupid. Crazy. Wacko. Idiotic. Weird. But that's fine, we all have our
quirks. We don't necessarily build our entire lives around them, but we all have
them.
SAMANTHA: This is important to me. I wish you would not belittle my choices.
RICKI: You're right. It's your life. Live it however you want. I apologize.
SAMANTHA: Apology accepted. (An awkward silence. RICKI spots another spider.)
RICKI: If you'll excuse me, I have spiders to smash. Son of a... (looks around) They're
everywhere. Come to Ricki, Mr. Spider. Your days in my house have reached their
end.
SAMANTHA: Please don't.
RICKI: You don't live here any more. You went off to join swami what's-her-name and
eat rice and chant mantras. I am here. I take care of things. These are my spiders,
and I don't want them. (SHE slams down the shoe and exterminates another spider.
SAMANTHA puts her hands together and says a prayer for the spider.)
SAMANTHA: Mider bider spalider, amen.
RICKI: It's just a spider.
SAMANTHA: The Goddess values all living things.
RICKI: Good for her. That's her job. They give me the creeps.
SAMANTHA: I came to say goodbye.
RICKI: You've been doing that since you were sixteen years old. I stay, you go, it's
the natural order of things. Just like spiders in my house get squashed with my shoe.
SAMANTHA: That was the worst thing about Mom and Dad... Not getting to say
goodbye.
RICKI: An instantaneous loss like that - it leaves a vacuum - and it sucks up
everything. Everything good, every thing real, all the workings of your heart.
SAMANTHA: Don't you think you would have handled it better if they'd had a chance
to, you know, say "Goodbye, don't worry about me." Something like that?
RICKI: Maybe.
SAMANTHA: Is Grandma here? I need to say goodbye to her, too.
RICKI: Granny! Samantha's here! (GRANNY, an old woman using a walker or cane,
enters. SHE smiles vaguely at SAMANTHA.)
GRANNY: Who's this?
RICKI: It's Samantha.
GRANNY: I thought she shaved her head when she ran off and joined that cult. And
they made her dress funny, too. What's that on your head? Did you hurt yourself?
Are you all right? What happened to her head? RICKI: The sky is falling.
SAMANTHA: It's a symbol of our need for vigilance and protection.
GRANNY: Protection against what? S
AMANTHA: The sky is falling.
GRANNY: Don't try to play tricks on me.
SAMANTHA: I came to say goodbye, Grandma.
GRANNY: What's she talking about?
RICKI: I have no idea.
RANNY: Where are you going?
SAMANTHA: Away. Far away. And I can't come back.
GRANNY: Why not?
SAMANTHA: I'm going away with the Elect, on a spaceship, tomorrow.
GRANNY: On a spaceship. Did she just say she's going on a spaceship?
RICKI: Oh, jeeze.
GRANNY: I'm old, but I'm not stupid. What's the name of this boy? Why don't you
just bring him by to meet us instead of telling crazy stories like this?
SAMANTHA: It's not a crazy story. Well, maybe it is, but it's still true. And it doesn't
really matter if you believe it. I just wanted you to know that I'll bring my memories
of you with me, across the galaxy. I'll be fine and I don't want you to worry about
me. (SAMANTHA gives GRANNY a big hug, just about knocking her over.)
GRANNY: Careful. I'm an old woman. I suppose you know what the heck you're
doing, but I wish you wouldn't go. I don't have much time left here myself, and I
wish I could spend more of it with you. At least, Ricki, she has always been here, but
you... I don't even remember the last time I saw you. Can't you stay with us a little
longer?
SAMANTHA: I wish I could. But it's not up to me.
GRANNY: A shame. You were a good child. You always had a sense about you, like
somehow you could see beyond the surface, see underneath the disguises we use
to hide ourselves. But if you have to go, you have to go. I always wished that I could
go to the stars. Buck Rogers wasn't just for boys, you know. Stay here, I want to get
you something for your trip. (GRANNY exits.)
SAMANTHA: How's she been?
RICKI: She's old. Sometimes I think a strong cold snap will kill her off. Other times I
think she'll live to be a hundred.
SAMANTHA: Can you leave her by herself?
RICKI: Not for long.
SAMANTHA: Just for tonight. I wondered if you would... it's hard to say goodbye to
everything, everyone. So hard. I wondered if you'd... if you'd think about coming
with me, until I go.
RICKI: I can't just--(GRANNY enters.)
GRANNY: I'm fine. Just tell Mrs. Schwartz to check on me every once in a while. Go
with your sister.
RICKI: But I really should stay with
GRANNY: I'm not an infant. Don't use me as an excuse, one that you'll regret and
resent. (to SAMANTHA) Now here-- (SHE pulls some tin foil out of her pocket, takes
off SAMANTHA's helmet, and carefully spreads the foil over her head, and replaces
the hard hat.) I don't know much about space aliens, but everything I've read and
seen in the movies says that their little brain rays can't travel through the metal.
SAMANTHA: Thanks, Grandma.
GRANNY: I'm glad someone in this family is finally going to see the world. Even if it's
not this one. Make sure you mind your manners--you have an entire planet to
represent. (GRANNY exits.)
SAMANTHA: Come help me say goodbye, to everything.

BLIND DATE
(a one-act comedy)

by David Lefkowitz

CHARACTERS
Man
Woman
Waiter
SETTING
One table at a small, almost elegant, continental restaurant.
The table is covered by a huge white cloth, the front of which hangs down to the floor.
Two napkins, two glasses of water, a vase with two real roses in it, and a bottle of ketchup sit on
the table.
The lighting is subdued but gradually becomes brighter as the play progresses.
BLIND DATE
(A man and a woman sit facing each other at a small restaurant table.
They sit.
He forces a polite smile.
She responds in kind.
He forces another smile.
So does she. Barely.
The man dabs his forehead with his napkin.
The woman sighs.
They sit.
The man casually looks around for a waiter,
then shrugs.
The woman unzips her pocketbook
and nonchalantly pokes through it.
She removes a small, battery-operated hand fan from the pocketbook.
She switches it on and begins moving the fan around her face.
The man watches her.
The woman brings the fan down to her neck.
She pushes her hair back.
The man sips some water from his glass.
She unbuttons the first button of her blouse and fans her upper chest.
The man again searches for a waiter.
The woman turns the fan off and puts it back in her pocketbook.
The man, almost unconsciously, begins drumming on the table.
His rhythmic drumming gets louder and more urgent.
The woman looks around with mild concern.
The drumming becomes fierce and unrestrained.
The womans embarrassment turns to fear.
She takes the roses out of the vase and carefully places them on the table.
She grabs the vase and throws the water at the man.
He stops drumming.
He wipes his forehead with his napkin.
They sit.)

MAN:Thank you.
(The woman nods. Pause)
MAN:Youd think theyd turn the air conditioning on.
WOMAN:Be nice if they could spare a waiter.(She looks around for one)
MAN:Ive never eaten here before.
WOMAN:Dont apologize.
MAN:Im not apologizing.
WOMAN:Well, you should.(Pause. The man absentmindedly starts drumming on the table.The
woman shoots him a look.He stops)
MAN: Sorry.
WOMAN:Youve got a nice sense of rhythm.
MAN:Thanks.. I.. I try.
WOMAN:Do you play drums?
MAN:Uhno.
WOMAN:Gosh, those witty responses just keep rolling off your tongue, dont they?
MAN:Sorry.
WOMAN:Youre so defensive.(The woman tugs at the front of her shirt and rustles it back and
forth to cool off.)
WOMAN:What are you looking at?(Realizing hes been staring, the man looks away)
WOMAN:I mean, Im wearing a bra, for Chrissakes.
(The WAITER then appears.
He is blind and legally deaf.
He enters wearing dark glasses and carrying a white cane.
With surprising rapidity, he brushes past the table and tosses two menus onto it)
MAN:Excuse me, could we (The waiter has disappeared)
WOMAN:How do they stay in business?
MAN:(shrugs) Theyre well known for their desserts.
(The man hands her a menu and studies one himself)
WOMAN:Was he blind?
MAN:Who?
WOMAN:The waiter.
MAN:I didnt notice. (pause) Know what youre gonna have?
WOMAN:I think Ill go with the swordfish.
MAN:Im gonna try the oysters.(The woman sets her menu down and eyes the man sharply)
WOMAN:Is that supposed to tell me something?
MAN:What?
WOMAN:Oysters? (pause) Im not easy, you know.
MAN:(grim) So where are you from originally?
WOMAN:Guess.
MAN:The gaping pit of hell.
WOMAN:(pause) Im from New Jersey.
MAN:I was close.
(The man smiles at his wit.
The woman doesnt. Pause.
The man uses his water glass to refill the vase.
He replaces the flowers, carefully arranging and rearranging them)
WOMAN:Is this supposed to demonstrate your sensitivity?
MAN:(exasperated) Look, youre not even (pause) This is obviously uncomfortable
for both of us, but you could at least make an effort.
WOMAN:(long pause) I hear oysters are very mealy this time of year.
MAN:Is that so?
WOMAN:Not only that, they say youre better off staying away from seafood
altogether.
MAN:(shrugs) I had some juicy clams last night.(The woman removes the roses and
throws water in the mans face again)
WOMAN:Pig!
MAN:Maybe we should both just leave.
(The woman gathers her purse.
We hear the sound of a tapping cane as the waiter approaches.
The woman stops her motions.
She sits. The waiter stands)
MAN:(pause) Can we help you? (pause) I said, can we help you? (Pause. The man
rises) Look, we were just in the middle of leaving anyway, so you might as well..
WAITER:(loudly) GOOD EVENING! ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?
MAN:Were on our way out.
WAITER:THANK YOU, SIR. WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER NOW?
WOMAN:(sitting) Ill have the swordfish, please.
WAITER:WHAT?
WOMAN:I said, Ill have the swordfish, please.
WAITER:(nods, pause) WHAT?
MAN:SWORDFISH
WAITER:IM NOT TALKING TO YOU. (to woman) Is that to stay or to go?
WOMAN:(unsure) To stay..I guess.
WAITER:WHAT?
WOMAN:IM STAYING (to Man) For now.(The waiter takes the order by scrawling it in
the air with his finger)
WAITER:YOU WANT VEGETABLES WITH THAT?
WOMAN:What do you have?
WAITER:WHAT? (The waiter bends sideways and cocks the woman his better ear)
WOMAN:What kind?
WAITER:PEAS.
WOMAN:(pause) Thats it?(The waiter begins pounding on the floor with his cane.
He stops)
WAITER:KEEPS AWAY THE RATS.
MAN:(loudly) I think Ill try the milk-fed veal.
WAITER:YOU WANT THE VEAL?
MAN:Yes.
WAITER:YOU SURE?
MAN:Well..
WAITER:ITS OLD.
MAN:Its not fresh?
WAITER:WHAT?
MAN:IS THE VEAL FRESH?
WAITER:IT DOESNT COME WITH SALAD.
MAN:Oh, for WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?
WAITER:THE SPECIAL.
MAN:(long pause) WHAT IS THE SPECIAL?
WAITER:THE SPECIAL?
MAN:YES!
WAITER:(intercedes) ITS THURSDAY!
WAITER:THURSDAY SPECIAL ISOYSTERS.
MAN:Ill go with the veal.
WAITEr : (collecting the menus) YOU WERE WARNED.:(The waiter exits, shouting
towards the kitchen)
WAITER:ONE SWORDFISH, AND A VEAL FOR THE ASSHOLE!
WOMAN:(pause) Boy, you sure showed him.
MAN:What is your problem?
WOMAN:You depress me.
MAN:Sorry.
WOMAN:Thats the third time youve apologized.
MAN:If youre gonna be like this, why did you even answer my ad?:(The woman
unzips her purse and removes a toothbrush.She dips it in her water glass and
begins brushing her teeth)
WOMAN:Im a masochist. Sadist? Sado-masochist? Maso-sad It has something to
do with castration.
MAN:(crossing his legs) So what do you do exactly?
WOMAN:Music therapy. I work with slow children.(The woman puts her toothbrush
back in her purse)
MAN:Sounds very rewarding.
WOMAN:You know how hard it is to communicate with those stupid little bastards?
MAN:Does music help?
WOMAN:I play a lot of Vaughan Williams. Keeps them quiet.
MAN:Greensleeves?
WOMAN:Every day for a month. But one day, Im gonna play the William Tell
Overture at 78RPM and watch em bounce off the ceiling.(They share a chuckle)
And yes, I did register the fact that you know who Vaughan Williams is, and I am
duly impressed. So..what law firm do you work at?
MAN:Silverman, Silverman and McCabe. Small firm.
WOMAN:End up defending a lot of crooks?
MAN:Were mostly real estate.
WOMAN:And youre one of those lackeys who translate legal bullshit into everyday
gibberish. Ive always felt that lawyers occupy the lowest point on the evolutionary
scale. Lawyers and people who eat veal.
MAN:If youll excuse me(The man rises and offers a parting handshake)
WOMAN:You have a lovely smile.
MAN:Whats the punchline?
WOMAN:No, you do. It starts right above the chin and works its way around both
sides of the jaw. If you had dimples, youd be a knockout.
MAN:You have two of the prettiest green eyes Ive ever seen.
WOMAN:Too late.
MAN:What?
WOMAN:Youre feeling guilty because I made the first move.
MAN:But you really do have
WOMAN:It doesnt matter; I beat you. Its all in the timing.
(The man retreats and sits.
He stares into space, then up at the ceiling.
Slowly, he begins whistling Greensleeves.
The whistling quickens, soon becoming feverish.
The woman, unsettled, picks up the vase.
But before she can throw more water at the man,
He grabs her and kisses her passionately.
The waiter, oblivious, enters the scene, tapping his cane and carrying two trays of
food.
The man and woman separate as the waiter feels his way around the table)
WAITER:WE WERE OUT OF SWORDFISH, SO I GAVE YOU A REPLACEMENT.
WOMAN:What?
WAITER:OYSTERS.
MAN:(out of breath) She doesnt need em.
WAITER:WHAT?
MAN:Never mind.(The waiter sets the food down)
WAITER:I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE VEAL.
MAN:(smiles) I figured.
WAITER:ITS DELICIOUS. DONT BE PUT OFF BY THE SMELL.
(The waiter exits.
The man sniffs his veal.
The woman takes a big sip from her water glass and swishes it around her mouth)
MAN:(pointing to her mouth full of water) Good for digestion?(The woman nods.
The woman, cheeks puffed with water, searches for a place to spit it out)
MAN:Whats the matter?
(The woman points to her mouth.
The man hands her the empty vase, but she waves it off)
MAN:Swallow it.
(The woman shakes her head.
She opens her purse and considers using it)
MAN:Swallow it. Please, swallow it!(Losing air, she finally gulps it down, choking
slightly in the process. Pause)
MAN:Didnt kill you, did it?(They begin eating)
WOMAN:You used your tongue.
(The man stops eating.
The woman continues.
The man eyes the veal with dismay)
MAN:Maybe we should just skip the meal and go right to the dessert.
WOMAN:What do I taste like?
MAN:Better than this veal.
WOMAN:No, really. I cant taste my own mouth. I thought maybe you could.
MAN:(thinks) Tastes like a nectarine. A nectarine with bones in it.
WOMAN:Bones?
MAN:Teeth.
WOMAN:And my tongue?
MAN:At the center of the nectarine
WOMAN:Uh huh
MAN:Fleshy and magical
WOMAN:Yes
MAN:A big worm.
WOMAN:Stop it.
MAN:A juicy, bumpy bloodworm!
WOMAN:(almost in tears) Cut it out!:(The man takes her hand)
MAN:But its a sweet nectarine.(She smiles.He gently reaches for her face and
strokes her cheek.
He moves to kiss her, but the intimacy troubles him, so he returns to his food)
MAN:How is it?
WOMAN:Very good. Hows yours?
MAN:Could be worse.
WOMAN:(mutters) Timing.
MAN:Hmm?
WOMAN:Want some peas?
MAN:How are they?
WOMAN:Green.
MAN:No, thanks.
(They eat.
Simultaneously, they reach for the ketchup.
She expects him to defer and let go.
He doesnt.
They have an intense tug-of-war with the ketchup bottle)
WOMAN:Let go!
MAN:You first!
WOMAN:Jerk!
MAN:Dyke!
WOMAN:Animal!
MAN:Frigid bitch!(The woman twists the bottle and yanks it out of his hand.
She sets the bottle down proudly)
MAN:(pause) I let you win.(The woman casually opens the bottle top and dips her
finger in.
She begins writing on the tablecloth)
MAN:What are you ? (reads) F..U.. Stop it. C Look, Im sorry, okay? I mean it. K.
(She continues writing)
MAN:Please, this is very ME. Fuck me.(The woman smiles and licks her finger)
MAN:Timing.(The man gallantly rises.
He lifts up the tablecloth and motions under the table)
WOMAN(rises, facing him) This better be good.
(The woman ducks and goes under the table.
The man follows and lets the tablecloth down.
We see nothing except the occasional rustling of the tablecloth.
We hear the sounds of mussed clothing and unzipped zippers)
MAN:Okay, now
WOMAN:Oh yes, honey, do it.
MAN:Yes.
WOMAN:Give it to me now. Oh, God, dont stop.
MAN:Baby. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.(The mans yesses are punctuated
by the throbbing tablecloth)
WOMAN:Keep going.
MAN:Im trying.
WOMAN:Oh, God.. (pause) Is it in yet? Oh, Jesus..
MAN:Get ready.
WOMAN:Yes.
MAN:Yes.
WOMAN:Yes.
MAN:Yes.
MAN & WOMAN:Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. YES!(Long pause)
MAN:Yes?
WOMAN:Now you want to talk about it, right?
MAN:You dont want to talk about it?
WOMAN:You want me to tell you how great you were.
MAN:Wellyes. You were great, too.
WOMAN:I know. But youre only saying that because you want me to say it to you.
MAN:We dont have to say anything if you don twant.
WOMAN:For Gods sake, at least put your arms around me.
(The tablecloth rustles.
The waiter enters, tapping his cane and pushing a bright red baby carriage.
He begins clearing the table, placing the plates in the carriage)
WAITER:FOR DESSERT, WE HAVE RASPBERRY MOUSSE WITH ORANGE SORBET,
TRUFFLES IN FLAMING BRANDY, BAVARIAN MOCHA CHEESECAKE WITH RICH PECAN
GLAZE, OR FRUIT CUP. UNFORTUNATELY, WERE OUT OF EVERYTHING EXCEPT FRUIT
CUP. ILL RETURN SHORTLY WITH YOUR FRUIT CUP.
(The mans hand reaches out from under the table and snatches his leftover veal
before the waiter can take it.
The waiter finishes cleaning up and exits with the carriage.
Loud sounds of chewing. A burp.
The man lifts up the tablecloth and tosses the bones out onto the floor)
WOMAN:Its hot under here.
MAN:I find it quite peaceful.
WOMAN:Of course you do, you came.
MAN:I dont see how the two are related.(The woman lifts the tablecloth and crawls
out.She is wearing the mans shirt.She sits)
WOMAN:Are you coming out?
MAN:I was looking forward to the mousse..
WOMAN:Cut it out! The waiterll see.
MAN:(fluttering the tablecloth) I have a craving for something sweet
WOMAN:Thats enough. I dont want to come down again.
MAN:Well, Im not ready to come up.(The woman kicks him)
MAN:Ouch!:(The man hastily crawls out from under the table)
MAN:Youre gonna kick me once too often, and then
WOMAN:And thenwhat?(Pause.The man sits)
WOMAN:Maybe we should pick the bones up. The waiter might trip.
MAN:Why are you so concerned with the waiter?
WOMAN:He has your eyes.
MAN:Leave the bones there. Serves him right if he trips.
WOMAN:Quiet! Hell poison your fruit cup.
MAN:(pause) Are we in love?
WOMAN:I dont think thats any of your business.
MAN:Im curious.
WOMAN:(thinks) I find you attractive.
MAN:Physically?
WOMAN:Yes.
MAN:Anything else?
WOMAN:You turn me on.
MAN:Other than that.(The woman shrugs)
MAN:Do you like the way I dress?
WOMAN:Yes.
MAN:The way I eat?
WOMAN:Not particularly.
MAN:My jokes?
WOMAN:Stale.
MAN:Love making technique?
WOMAN:I didnt know you had one.
MAN:I asked for this, didnt I?
WOMAN:Yes.
MAN:(sighs) Politics?
WOMAN:Infantile.
MAN:Religious beliefs?
WOMAN:Naive.
MAN:Honesty is good for a relationship, right?
WOMAN:So they say.
MAN:Well, what about the way you eat?
WOMAN:What about it?
MAN:Its nauseating.
WOMAN:Uh huh. My taste in art?
MAN:What taste?
WOMAN:Sexual prowess?
MAN:Slightly above average.
WOMAN:More specific.
MAN:7.5.
WOMAN:Almost worthwhile
MAN:Hmm?
WOMAN:Almost worth putting up with me the rest of the time because I can get you
hard.
MAN:I didnt say that.
WOMAN:Why are you here, then?So, why are you here? Youve had your fun;
theres no reason to stick around.
MAN:I like you.
WOMAN:Bathing in the afterglow?
MAN:I think youre a very special person.
WOMAN:Youre begging for seconds, arent you?
MAN:(pause) Im here because Im here. And youre here. And right now, I cant
think of a better place to be. You want me to make some eternal vow? You want
me to pretend I only want you for your mind? You dont know what you want! And I
dont know if I wanna marry you, screw you or throw you in a ditch somewhere. But
if nothing else, were still here. Now either we can go; or we can sit here and try to
understand what we have together. Even if its just a bad memory of a lousy
restaurant, cant we justsit?
WOMAN:(pause) We cant sit here forever.
MAN:Well, if you wantwe could go back under the table.
WOMAN:You really are a pig.
MAN:I was kidding.:(The woman rises and collects her things)
MAN:Look, Im sorry.(The man grabs a water glass and splashes his own face)
WOMAN:Dont apologize.(The woman takes money out of her purse and tosses it
onto the table)
MAN:You dont have to
WOMAN:Yes, I have to
MAN:(helpless) Keep it.
WOMAN:Thank you.So long.
MAN:Do you like raspberry mousse?
WOMAN:(stops) What?
MANI love raspberry mousse. Its very rich and incredibly sweet. But a little of it
goes a long way. If you eat too much, you get sick. And if you eat it too often, you
get tired of it. And you can order it a hundred times in a hundred different places,
but its never as good as the first time you had it.
WOMAN:Thats why you cant make mousse the meal. You order a whole dinner and
hope the mousse tops it off.
MAN:But what if the meal stinks? What if the mousse is all there is?(The waiter
reappears carrying a bunch of grapes)
WOMAN:In other words.. we didnt have a relationship, so much as a dessert?
MAN:Thats something, isnt it? Its not much, but its something.
WOMAN:(pause) Youre right. Its not much.
(The woman exits.
The waiter approaches the man)
WAITER:YOUR FRUIT CUP. WE WERE OUT OF CUPS.
MAN:I dont want it.
WAITER:Suit yourself.(The waiter sets the grapes down and starts counting the
money using touch, sound and smell)
MAN:How can you tell the difference between a single and a fiver?
WAITER:WHAT?
MAN:I SAID, HOW CAN YOU DISTINGUISH BETWEEN MONEY?
WAITER:ITS AN ACQUIRED TRAIT. YOU GET A FEELING FOR WHAT HAS VALUE
(The waiter gently ruffles a fiver and pockets it)
WAITER:AND WHATS COMPLETELY WORTHLESS.
(The waiter tears a one-dollar bill to shreds
and lets it fall to the floor)
MAN:DID YOU EVER MAKE A MISTAKE AND TEAR UP A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL?
WAITER:IF I DID, I DONT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.(The waiter eats a grape)
WAITER:DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?
MAN:(shocked) I
WAITER:OH, COME ON! YOU DID, DIDNT YOU?
MAN:If its any of your business, yes, I
WAITER:WAS IT GOOD?
MAN:Who are you to
WAITER:IT WAS GOOD, WASNT IT?
MAN:Yes.
WAITER:NOT JUST DURING BUT AFTER, TOO.
MAN:Yes.
WAITER:SHES GONE NOW.
MAN:Yes.
WAITER:YOULL MISS HER.
MAN:(nods)
WAITER:BUT YOULL GET OVER IT.
MAN:(nods)
WAITER:AND IN TIME, YOU WILL ULTIMATELY REFER TO THIS AS A QUOTE-UNQUOTE
WORTHWHILE EXPERIENCE THAT HAD ITS MOMENTS.
MAN:You (The man angrily lunges at the waiters cane.The waiter pulls away just in
time, and the man lands in a heap on the floor.
The waiter gives him a whack with the cane)
WAITER:THE TRUTH! IN SOME WAYS, YOURE EVEN GLAD TO BE RID OF HER.
MAN:Yes.
WAITER:BUT YOUD TEAR THE HEART OUT OF YOUR CHEST TO HAVE HER BACK,
WOULDNT YOU?
MAN:Yes.
WAITER:WOULDNT YOU?
MAN:YES.
WAITER:No, you wouldnt.(The waiter tosses the man a grape.The man catches it
and eats it)
WAITER:WHAT COLOR WERE HER EYES?
MAN:Blue.
WAITER:ARE YOU SURE?
MAN:(pause) No, Im not.(The waiter tosses the man another grape.He catches it in
his mouth and swallows it)
WAITER:On a scale of one to ten, she was a?
MAN:I dont know.(The waiter temptingly holds up a grape)
WAITER:Think.
MAN:(pause) Seven and a half.(The waiter viciously whacks him with the cane)
WAITER:BASTARD! She was at least an eight. (pause) DID SHE TURN YOU ON?
MAN:Yes.
WAITER:EVEN AT THE END?
MAN:Especially at the end.(The waiter throws the man a grape and steps forward)
WAITER:ARE YOU ALONE?
MAN:Yes.
WAITER:ARE YOU AFRAID OF BEING ALONE?
MAN:Yes.(The waiter drops a grape in the mans mouth and moves even closer.
The waiter now towers above the kneeling man)
WAITER:Do you know what love is?
MAN:Love is beautiful.
WAITER:(shakes his head) DO YOU KNOW WHAT LOVE IS?
MAN:Love is freedom.(The waiter whacks the floor with his cane)
MAN:Im trying(The waiter holds the grapes above and in front of the mans head)
WAITER:WHAT IS LOVE?
MAN:I think its
WAITER:LOVE!(The man lunges for the grapes with his mouth.The waiter pulls them
higher Before the man can reach them)
MAN:I think its
WAITER:THE MEANING!
MAN:I cantI
MEN. WOMEN.(The woman has gingerly walked back into the restaurant.
She stands, observing)
MAN:It doesnt make any sense
WAITER:HOW DO YOU FEEL?
MAN:Lost.
WAITER:WHAT DO YOU FEEL?
MAN:Pain
WAITER:WHY?
MAN:HER(The waiter puts a grape in the mans mouth)
WAITER:WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HER?
MAN:I dont know.
WAITER:WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM YOU?
MAN:I dont know.
WAITER:WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HIM?
WOMAN:His pain. Over me.
MAN:Why?(no response)
WAITER:HE ASKED WHY.
WOMAN:Just because.(She walks over and takes the grapes from the waiter)
WOMAN:What does he want from me?
WAITER:He doesnt know.
WOMAN:Ha. And yet here we are.
MAN:Pathetic, huh?
WAITER:Yes, but not uncommon. I ASK YOU AGAIN: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF
LOVE?
MAN:I dont know.
WAITER:DO YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF LOVE?
MAN:NO.
WAITER:DO YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF LOVE?
WOMAN:Of course not.
WAITER:DOES ANYONE KNOW THE MEANING OF LOVE?
MAN:NO!!(The sobbing man clutches the waiters legs.Pause. The waiter drops the
cane.He solemnly nods and begins to comfort the man as a friend.The woman
watches)
WOMAN:(sadly) No one. No one ever. But sometimes we learn in pieces.(The
woman puts down the grapes and squashes them beneath her foot.She exits
again.The Waiter and Man watch her leave)
WAITER:NEXT TIME LET HER PICK THE RESTAURANT.