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Daria Kutuzova Tending Your Inner Garden
project or theme in my life, and prioritize. I asked myself:
"What can I do to allow myself to concentrate on a single
project or theme? How can I think about something
without digressing from it, without worrying about not
thinking of something else, something not less
important?"
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Daria Kutuzova Tending Your Inner Garden
a more structured way of writing. I tried keeping a journal
using Progoff's method, and it was very meaningful,
magical, profound and fascinating... but it was not exactly
what I was looking for. However, this encounter helped
me to understand what I could keep looking for - and
where.
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needs and circumstances changed, and I changed the
writing format accordingly, tracking what was more
effective and what was less effective. I believe that there
is no writing methodology that would work for a specific
person in the same way forever. At some point it becomes
obsolete and boring, and thus it is not useful anymore. At
such moments it is important to find or create a different
methodology. I kept experimenting like this until the end of
2011. During this time, I had worked at my dream job,
lived in four countries, got pregnant and gave birth to my
first child.
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written there. I believe that right actions stem from the
right understandings of the persons intentions, values,
dreams and principles of life, and also from the persons
skills and knowledges. These important elements were
not present in the versions of the methodology that I
invented and tried out on myself in 2009-2011.
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blocks of time iterations), built upon a particular logic of
self-exploration and self-creation. This is the answer I
have been looking for.
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there are examples and testimonies. But before we
proceed to the instructions for writing, I would like to give
voice to some of the people who worked through all six of
the 2-week iterations and who are willing to share their
experiences with you.
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WHAT THE PARTICIPANTS SAY
Source: almmatea.livejournal.com/89446.html
Source: aitovinna.livejournal.com/683.html
Source: ira-mf.livejournal.com/488881.html
Source: la-foi.livejournal.com/112218.html
Source: www.facebook.com/natasha.oleinikova/posts/
10202850491728220
Source: plus.google.com/104978405448752844545/
posts/BK6BUA5P6Wj
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Daria Kutuzova Tending Your Inner Garden
I have always known that as soon as one writes
about a problem or a situation, one can see it from
different perspectives, so situations stop being
unbearable. Still, with the right questions and clear
focus such writing becomes much more useful.
Now I know how to stop and cease aggravating
the negative emotions. How to express myself so
that there is congruency between the external and
the internal. How to start doing what has long
been postponed. How to cheer myself on. How to
acknowledge my character strengths. And - most
important of all - how to act in my own interests, to
advance towards my dreams, instead of playing
against myself and ruining my own life. I have
learned to see more clearly the connections
between my own actions and the results they
bring, and to understand where different sorts of
actions are going to take me.
Source: ayuthaya.livejournal.com/173567.html
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For me this project was very useful. Even more
useful than my experience of psychotherapy - or at
least just as useful.
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transform ones relationships with ones traumatic
stuff when one is aware of it.
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imagine that somebody could come to harm
practicing it, especially in a group with facilitators.
Source tinngwen.livejournal.com/1627.html
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HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
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sequentially, in the presented order. This is not a kind of
book that you can skim through in an hour, grab a couple
of useful ideas and then put it away and forget about it. It
would not work that way. Ideally, this is a book that you
would read for 15 minutes every couple of weeks, for
three months.
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not to publish their names or pseudonyms, and I would
like to take this opportunity to express my heartfelt thanks
to all of them. The largest number of questions and
answers are in the chapters about the preliminary stage of
the work and about the first iteration. Further along,
people usually find or create a way of working with this
methodology that suits them best, and they have fewer
questions to ask.
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THE MOST IMPORTANT: BRIEFLY
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iterations last for 15 days each, and the second, the
fourth, and the sixth iterations last for 16 days. On the
16th day we work on the distant future.
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TENDING YOUR INNER GARDEN METHODOLOGY
IS MOST USEFUL WHEN
Or
When your life is very full with all kinds of projects, you
are overwhelmed, you find it difficult to prioritise your
activities and to keep track of the progress & to-dos in
all of them
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BEFORE YOU BEGIN
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TO MAKE WRITING WORK FOR YOU
Protect your privacy ensure that the things you write for
yourself are not going to be read by anyone else.
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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS
WRITING PRACTICE
TO WRITE OR TO TYPE?
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out loud and record them with a voice memo app or any
other recording device. If that is the case, do not forget to
state the topic, date and iteration number at the beginning
of each recording so you will have an easier time tracking
your progress later.
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principles, commitments, and plans. In many respects,
this iteration is dedicated to the work with the ideal image
of our preferred future.
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as the protagonists of these stories, and outline the
following pages of our preferred stories.
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total privacy, true self-exploration is impossible.
Alternatively, publishing your notes in a blog for a
specially selected group of friends, who believe in you,
have an interest in your life and are ready to support you
also has its own advantages. This way, you will not only
receive supportive comments but, sometimes, will receive
an opportunity to look at a topic from an unexpected
direction. However, I would recommend you to keep your
first drafts private, so you would not sacrifice your
privacy and the opportunity that it gives to write without
censoring yourself at all. If you want to share your notes
with your friends and receive their comments, then set
aside more time, write first for yourself, honestly and
openly, and then read it again and pick whatever parts
you want to share. You can publish this edited version.
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more revenue this investment will generate for you. Some
people are in optimal condition in the morning, others in
the early afternoon, or during lunchtime, or in the evening.
Experience shows that for most people the optimal time
for writing lies in the first half of the day, not immediately
after waking up, but after performing all the daily routines
aimed at improving clarity (gymnastics, shower, a cup of
tea or coffee, breakfast, etc.) Some people read the
questions in the morning, let them stew over in their
head, for example until lunch break, when they have the
opportunity to write down the resulting ideas. For other
people, it might be better to read the questions
immediately before starting to write on a topic this way
the good ideas do not scatter away.
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Make it your time for yourself - something that brings
you pleasure, like a date with your own self. Do not turn
this into some sort of chore. How can you arrange it so
this time for yourself will be really personal and pleasant
for you?
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If you got interrupted somehow before the timer rang, and
you didnt have a chance to finish your notes, return and
complete them when you can.
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questions. In other words, we describe the process of
writing which feelings visited us, how the body felt,
which insights came to us, and so on.
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I am grateful for
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A person who has just written on this topic
Now Im feeling
It is astonishing, but
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best friend had written this while narrating his/her life
in a letter to me, how would I have supported him/
her? This may be helpful as a reflective response.
If the insights on the topic of the day come after the close
of your todays writing work, you may and you should
write some more. Add it to the same file, to the same
digital notebook, or to the same part of your paper diary,
and dont forget to date your notes.
If in parallel, and as an effect of your work on the topics, a
lot of memories and realisations start coming up and call
for writing them down, use for them your regular diary,
one that you might have used prior to your work with
Tending Your Inner Garden. Or you may start a new
notebook if you wish to :) Sometimes a regular diary,
where we write in a not very structured way, turns out to
be useful for different feelings and ideas that are beyond
the chosen set of topics.
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CAN I USE THIS PRACTICE ALONG WITH OTHER
WRITING PRACTICES?
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rereading your notes, you will be able to trace your own
patterns how both your emotional and your physical
states influence what and how you write on a topic.
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5-10 minutes. And then answer the questions of the
current iteration.
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TUNING-IN BEFORE WRITING
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state changes from one moment to another, so there are
no wrong designations. If you are feeling that thoughts
and worries are swarming in your head, preventing you
from concentrating on the daily topic and iteration
questions, take a separate sheet of paper and for 5
minutes pour out everything that worries you on that
sheet. Then, when you are done working on a topic, you
can stash your worries back into your head, if you want
to.
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THE PRELIMINARY TASK: CHOOSING AND NAMING
THE TOPICS
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mental trauma, or you have gone through significant life
changes (e.g. moved to another country or had a baby)
its better to make topics fewer but broader. From our
experience, if you have for example seven topics, you can
always find something to write about, particularly what
you have done or thought about every topic. It gives a
feeling of progress and clarity, the feeling that the topic is
not dead. This feeling, in its turn, gives support. Once you
recover or feel better, you might want to split the bigger
topics into several smaller ones. If you have seven
topics, try to write once every two days. If you have more
than seven topics but fewer than fourteen, try to spread
them evenly among the weekdays. Take into account the
days when you have more work to do. On the hardest
days take a day off from Tending Your Inner Garden.
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you can review the topics and decide whether you still
need them in the way they are worded. Most often some
of the topics-projects disappear - the project is over, and
the topic is not relevant any longer. You then have to
come up with a new one. Sometimes this may cause
anxiety or distress. But if you choose the spheres and
activities where you dont see any end or even a clear
goal (these are the parts of life that just exist), it will
relieve you of the necessity to come up with a new topic-
project once the previous one has been fulfilled.
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precise, like The calligraphy classes Im taking, My
felting craft, Looking for inspiration or My questions to
the world/ humanity. Listen to yourself and find the
wording that works best for you.
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wrong. So, with this awareness, the problems wont grow
like a snowball.
If, among the topics you chose, some are hard, then let
those be preceded and followed by an easy topic. In the
first iteration, you can write choosing the topics from your
list in any random order. Later it is better to maintain and
repeat this same order so that the interval between the
exercises for every topic would be even, although that is
not an iron-clad rule. You might find out that on some
days you fail systematically and just write superficially and
formally. If so, then it is better to change the order of the
topics so that the problematic one would fall on the day
when you are more energetic and enthusiastic (e.g. closer
to the beginning of the iteration). Please read the
examples of topics below. They were suggested by the
participants of an online project that was carried out in my
blog writing_cures.livejournal.com at the end of 2011.
Write your own list of topics in your notebook or in a text
file.
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EXAMPLES OF POSSIBLE TOPICS
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My book
My blogs
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WORKING WITH THE VOICE OF SELF-CRITICISM,
ALSO KNOWN AS THE INNER CRITIC
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the voice of self-criticism. In other words, the feeling of
personal inadequacy. This is the traditional name for
deeply nested notions about oneself, and negative
attitude towards it, formed as a result of cruel treatment
and/or lack of attention from important others earlier in our
lives. This voice destroys persons trust in themselves and
prevents them from expressing and processing significant
feelings. It is very important to escape from the power of
this destructive negative voice and gain the ability to
speak about yourself and for yourself.
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not work, do not lose heart. See a therapist or other
specialist that might help you. It is worth it.
After you create its portrait this way, write a letter to it,
stating your stance on your situation.
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The Voice of the Critic usually possesses a lot of
strategies to make a person conform to its standards of
realness. It makes a person attempt to improve
himself. Try to write down, what has it already made you
do (for example, visiting personal growth workshops,
buying self-development books, etc.)
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What if the things you are protecting could get fully
realised in your life, what would your life become like?
Which positive results could be brought to life with the
realisation of these values?
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FIRST ITERATION: MAKING INVENTORY
After you have chosen the time and place when and
where you wont be disturbed, take a seat with your
notebook, computer or other gadget and choose the topic
youre going to write about today.
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GUIDING QUESTIONS FOR THE TOPICS
- Is there anything in this area of life that you are not yet
able to do independently but, if there was a more
experienced person by your side guiding and supporting
you, you would be able to do these things?
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QUESTIONS FOR THE REFLECTIVE RESPONSE
AN EXAMPLE
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In three weeks we are going to move, so apart from my
regular chores I have to plan things almost six weeks
ahead: packing and getting ready to move, organizing the
journey, getting to know the new place (we are moving to
a distant part of the country, but the place is not totally
unknown). I am keeping track of the actions of four adults
- my husband, the au pair, the cleaning lady and myself. I
have a paper list of things to do in different spheres of life
and I consult it every other day, adding something or
crossing something out. We have a family calendar on the
wall where we put things as soon as we have agreed on
the timing. I have a list of daily and weekly things in
different spheres of life in habitrpg.org , but I have paused
it for now. I am recovering from severe sleeping disorder,
and if I tried to control my everyday actions, the stress
level would surpass what I can handle now.
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will be sad but not catastrophic. The most important
things to think through are the first five, six or seven days
after arriving at the new place before we receive most of
our possessions and most of the toys our kids are used
to.
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I could systematically pay attention to small steps related
to self-care, if somebody reminded me of it or participated
in my life with this focus, saying something like lets
spend fifteen minutes tonight on girly things like nail-filing,
facials etc.
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want to look at this list. I am scolding myself for not
planning responsibility-free days and time for idle chat.
Also for not always following the most useful habit once
youve finished, put your things away at once.
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I cant upgrade my self-management system to
complete everything I couldnt even start. I started
thinking about how to organise my time after
arriving at the new place so as to manage what I
want to. I also got some ideas regarding who
could be the experienced person to help with the
great party and who could remind me of fifteen
minutes dedicated to beauty. That is something
already, I feel more focused and energetic.
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No, it is pretty common. In practice, self-organizing
proved to be one of the key skills. All the topics live and
breathe by it.
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fifteen minutes, - and that includes exploring the
questions you always postpone or just brush aside.
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Also I am exceptionally fond of Flyladys notion that You
are not behind! I dont want you to try to catch up; I just
want you to jump in where we are. It helps to put ones
guilt aside and start working constructively without
wasting your precious energy on nagging yourself.
Instead of indulging self-criticism, you start to feel self-
compassion. Not in a condescending pity, and not self-
deprecation, but a kind a reliable, supporting empathy to
yourself. Same goes for Tending Your Inner Garden.
Those who tried this methodology know how ones inner
climate changes when a voice of self-compassion
overrides the voice of self-criticism.
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What would change in your life and your relationships with
yourself and others, if this relevant theme in your life
reached a level entirely to your liking?
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questions of the first iteration. So, if you havent done it
yet, better put the book aside and return to it later, when
all the answers are written. There is no hurry, it will wait
for you as long as you need.
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THE FIFTEENTH TOPIC: CONSOLIDATION AND
SHORT-TERM ACTION PLANNING
So, weve reached the end of the first iteration. Our task
today is to look back at the road weve travelled during
this fortnight. Please answer in writing to the questions in
the list below.
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a couple of weeks, youll be able to choose another set of
two topics and advance them.
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GOOD (AND QUITE TYPICAL) RESULTS OF THE
FIRST ITERATION
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Theres more clearness, certainty, and mindfulness now,
as well as more precision, self-discipline, and structuring.
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A simple categorization of my life into distinct topics and
areas proved to be very beneficial in itself. Not only
figuring out the categories but also working with each
topic and examining whether it is indeed important for me.
As a result, I rephrased and restructured many topics, and
now I have a natural and comfortable notion of what my
life really consists of.
For every topic every area of life, I was able to work out
a specific plan of actions. Since then Ive even completed
some of them! It was a particularly pleasant change for
those topics that were stagnating for a long time.
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I began to see both problems and opportunities more
clearly.
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I realised both how it is difficult for me to do something
little by little every day - and how, in fact, it is helpful. Now
Im going to build this practice into my life.
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WHAT IS NEXT?
So, you wrote about your topics using the first set of
guiding questions, and also completed the consolidation
task? Wonderful! If you are ready to continue lets go
ahead, there is a new iteration waiting on the next page
(with completely new questions).
You havent chosen your topics yet, have you? So, what
gets in the way? Or, maybe, the question should be
where are you rushing to? If you just read the book but
would not complete any written exercises, there will be no
beneficial effects for you whatsoever. It will be just a
waste of money. Please go ahead now and formulate your
topics. You can work with this methodology, even using
short increments of time, 5-10 minutes long each.
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