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Bite-Sized Training

Assertiveness
Assertiveness Bite-Sized TrainingTM | Mind Tools

Assertiveness
Bite-Sized Training
This e-book is published by:

Mind Tools Ltd.

Copyright Mind Tools Ltd, 2007-2012. All rights


reserved.

Version 1.3

This e-book is protected by international copyright


law. You may use it only if you are authorized by
your organization to use Mind Tools Connect. If
you have any queries, please contact us at
connect.helpdesk@mindtools.com.

Cover image iStockphoto/ermingut

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Contents

1. Introduction ......................................................................................................................................... 4

2. Why Be Assertive? ............................................................................................................................. 5

3. What Are My Rights? .......................................................................................................................... 6

4. Assertive Communication ................................................................................................................. 10

5. Get a LADDER.................................................................................................................................. 14

6. Key Learning Points .......................................................................................................................... 19

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1. Introduction
Assertiveness is a gift you give to yourself. This Bite-Sized Training session will show you
how to strike that balance and gain that belief.
Its the art of communicating what you want Youll learn tools and strategies you can use to
clearly, openly and rationally, without resorting to make sure that youre getting what you want
aggression, and without taking a submissive, without denying others what they need. In the
favour-asking stance. next hour you will:

When youre not sufficiently assertive, you end up Identify what your rights are and
feeling that others are calling the shots in your understand why you let others needs and
life. Feelings of powerlessness and emptiness demands encroach on you.
can set in. It also feels as if others are walking all Practice assertive communication
over you. When you deny yourself the ability to techniques.
stand up and speak your mind, you miss out on Learn how to use a LADDER to get what
many opportunities for personal satisfaction and you need.
fulfilment.
When youre finished, you will feel much more
Being assertive is one of the best skills you can confident in yourself. You will have a renewed
possess. Its also one that takes a lot of practice sense of who you are and what you stand for.
and persistence. There will always be other And, most importantly, you will know what you
people asserting themselves. Learning how to need to do to make sure that you get what you
stay true to yourself and remain respectful of need from now on. Take back control of your life
other peoples needs requires precision, balance, and commit right now to assert yourself, your
and a belief that your rights and needs are as needs, your thoughts, and your desires.
valid as everyone elses.

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2. Why Be Assertive?
Assertiveness is an important life skill that helps what you need, learn what the other person
you avoid many unpleasant emotions and needs, and then find a solution that both of you
situations. When you fail to assert yourself, it can can feel good about.
take a heavy toll on your mood and your
relationships. If you dont practice assertiveness When you practice assertiveness, you are
you risk: acknowledging that your rights and thoughts are
just as important as other peoples are to them.
Feeling depressed and hopeless. You get This shouldnt be foreign to us, but it is. Somehow
angry with yourself for not being able to the majority of us have to come to believe that
control your life. either our rights are less important than others, or
Feeling resentful. You start to feel taken that others rights are less important than our
advantage of by those around you. own.
Angry outbursts. When you dont express
yourself, your anger builds and it often Trying to dominate and control others is just as
explodes without warning. common as submitting to dominant and
Feeling anxious. When you cant get your aggressive people. The middle stance being
needs met, you tend to avoid people and assertive is much more pleasant and
situations where you might be taken sustainable as long as you have the right tools.
advantage of.
Poor relationships. When you dont stand First things first What do you want?
up for yourself, you get frustrated with
others and they get frustrated with you. Its This is a simple question that requires a complex
hard to build trust and intimacy under answer. It requires understanding yourself,
these conditions. getting to the core of what you believe, and
Physical illness. Unassertive behavior uncovering what it is that will make you happy
causes stress and anxiety. These can and satisfied.
lead to serious health issues like heart
disease, hypertension, and digestive Further Reading:
illness. Mind Tools has some great resources to help you
explore this key question including articles on
These are just a few of the many reasons why Creating Job Satisfaction and Finding Career
Direction.
knowing how to get what you want and feel
respected is so important to career and life and
success. Here, were going to take some time to explore
your basic rights and use those as a basis for
Assertiveness Basics building assertive responses and ways to
communicate with others.
Assertiveness starts with knowing what you want.
Its much like a negotiation where you first identify

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3. What Are My Rights?


To be assertive means defending what you Well start by looking at situations where you have
believe in and not handing over personal power to felt disappointed, trampled on, or upset by
other people. This sounds quite simple yet its someone who you think has not paid sufficient
hard to practice! Were taught from a very young attention to your needs. Well use this as a
age to respect others, however, respecting starting point for thinking about what your rights
ourselves is not as ingrained. are.

This early socialization has probably put in place Action: In the table below, write the situations
some strong perceptions about what your rights down in the Situations column. Next, think about
look like compared to others rights. Perhaps you the rights that are being contravened. Finally,
believe that if you put yourself first youre being imagine youre doing this for someone else, and
selfish. Or that it is your duty to help someone out scrutinize the rights youve written down to make
when they need it regardless of your other sure that they are things that you can fairly and
responsibilities. legitimately expect from other people.

The Situation Denied Rights Legitimate?

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Now, based on this table and more general I have a right to make mistakes.
thinking, take some time to think about your rights
as they relate to the relationships you have with Action: Fill in your Rights Table below:
others. Some ideas to get you started include:

I have a right to say No.

I have a right to ask questions when I


dont understand.

I have a right to express my opinions.

Rights Table

I have a right to

I have a right to

I have a right to

I have a right to

I have a right to

I have a right to

I have a right to

I have a right to

I have a right to

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Action: Now, for each of the rights you identified, Then ask yourself what you believed about the
think of situations when you didnt assert that situation that caused you to subjugate your rights
right. (This may include some of the situations in for someone elses. For instance, you didnt
the first exercise, but bring in others where its assert your right to ask a question, because you
appropriate: What were looking for are patterns believed others would consider you stupid if you
here.) did.

My False Beliefs

Denied Right The Situation What I Believed

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My False Beliefs

Denied Right The Situation What I Believed

Do you already begin to feel more empowered? Tip:


Simply by looking at these false beliefs, you can See this article to find out more about managing
start challenging them and eliminating them. your boundaries so that others respect your needs.
Hopefully youve found this a very liberating and
enlightening exercise, and one that should have
put you in the right frame of mind to learn some
specific assertiveness skills.

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4. Assertive Communication
To be assertive, you have to communicate admit your role in any disagreements. This
assertively. This is the foundation of all the builds trust and understanding.
assertiveness techniques you will encounter. You
have to know how to tell someone what you need, Learn to say No this is one of the
while still respecting and understanding where the hardest things to learn, however, to be
other person is coming from. Its a way of being truly assertive you have to be comfortable
explicit about your boundaries and maintaining a saying No to requests that violate your
positive relationship. needs and rights.

There is no point in being assertive if all you do is Tip:


cause hurt feelings or disappointment. So For tips on how to say no to the task but yes to
assertive communication is more than just telling the person read this article.
others what is on your mind. Its telling them in a
way that they can understand so they go away
from the exchange feeling validated and good How Do You Communicate?
about the situation.
The goal is to use these assertiveness techniques
There are five main elements of assertive in all of your discussions. There are probably
communication: times when youve made a good job of doing this
and others when you havent. Assertiveness is a
Send a clear message you need to be skill that requires lots of practice so dont be too
aware of your verbal and non-verbal hard on yourself when you make a mistake or
communication. two.

Listen to what the other person is saying Making mistakes and learning from them is an
actively pay attention to the other person effective way to reinforce new skills. To that end,
and make sure you fully understand you are now going to think of times when your
his/her position. (Active Listening.) communication was less than assertive and then
identify what you could have done better.
Use I statements talk about your
thoughts, feelings, and observations (I Action: Sometimes the benefit of hindsight
think I believe I want) and avoid provides great learning opportunities. For each of
using you statements (You should You the elements of assertive communication
must You think) described above, think about a time when you
didnt use the skill. Briefly describe the situation,
Acknowledge your role in the situation what you did and then record what you
always be prepared to say youre sorry or could/should have done differently to improve the
outcome in the table below.

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Clear Message
What went wrong? What would/could/should you have done
differently?

Active listening

What went wrong? What would/could/should you have done


differently?

I statements

What went wrong? What would/could/should you have done


differently?

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Accept responsibility

What went wrong? What would/could/should you have done


differently?

Just say No

What went wrong? What would/could/should you have done


differently?

Learning from our mistakes is very important. Action: Turn what you learned from times when
Simply knowing what we did wrong is not always you failed to communicate assertively, into goal
enough. Whenever you want to make changes, statements that will help you achieve better
the best way to ensure it happens is to write down results on a regular basis.
a clear and specific goal.
Record your communication goals in the table on
the next page.

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My Assertive Communication Goals

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5. Get a LADDER
The LADDER mnemonic gives a comprehensive is on your mind or that you need to resolve right
approach for assertive communication. When you away.
want to handle a situation assertively, use this
six-stage process to be highly effective: Action: Identify a situation where you need to be
assertive. Describe the circumstances leading up
L: Look at your rights. to the situation below.
A: Arrange a meeting.
D: Define the problem.
D: Describe your feelings.
E: Express what you want.
R: Reinforce the mutual benefits of a solution.

Now youre going to practice putting a LADDER in


place. Since practice is the best way to learn and
reinforce assertiveness skills, youre going to
develop an assertiveness plan for a situation that

Situation Requiring Assertiveness

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L ook at your rights. Using the list of rights


you developed in the first exercise, and your
own thoughts and feelings about the situation,
specific and descriptive. The purpose here is to
get clear about what you need and why you need
it.
describe what you want and why you want it. Be

I Want/Need

Because

A rrange a meeting. Write down a time when


you plan to meet with the person to discuss the
situation. If you cant narrow it down to a specific
date, set a time frame in which it will be done.

We Will Meet to Discuss This On/By

Date:

Deadline:

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D efine the problem. Write down the facts of


the situation. Be as specific as possible. Do not
Tip:
When you actually have the conversation,
remember the goal you set for yourself regarding
clear communication and non-verbal cues that
use emotional language at this point. Your send the wrong message. At this point you will also
objective here is to be very clear so that the give the other person a chance to communicate
person you are talking to can fully understand the facts as he/she sees them. This exchange
your position and perceptions. should help you get a better mutual understanding.
When the other person is talking, be aware of your
active listening skills.

The Facts Of The Situation Are

D escribe your feelings. When you have the


facts out of the way you then need to share your
statements that you can use to express how you
are feeling and how you perceive the situation.
emotions and describe how you are feeling.
Doing this helps the other person better Remember to include in here a statement of your
appreciate your point of view and builds empathy own responsibility for the issue you are facing.
between you. Saying sorry and/or admitting your fault where
appropriate is a sign of humility and can earn you
Here it is extremely important to only use I much respect and appreciation from the other
statements and avoid blaming the other person party, providing he or she is reasonably mature in
for how you feel. Write down a series of I outlook.

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I Feel

E xpress what you want. It is best to have a


prepared want/need statement that sums up
This solution might have to change once you hear
from the other person. For now, write down what
what you expect. This statement needs to be you believe is the best solution where everyones
short and concise. If the person only retains one needs are acknowledged and respected.
thing from your conversation, this needs to be it.
Make sure your statement includes a solution.

What I Want Specifically Is

R einforce the benefits. As in all good


negotiations, it is important that the other person
benefits positively (If you accept this, then these
good things result). Telling someone the
sees the win for him or herself as well. Take consequences of not accepting the solution is
your proposed solution and identify the benefits adversarial and threatening.
for the other person. Remember to phrase your

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The Benefits Are

When youve put together your LADDER


approach, practice what you intend to say. Use a
mirror or a trusted friend. Solicit feedback and
improve your message and delivery until you are
confident in what you are saying and how you are
saying it.

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6. Key Learning Points


Assertiveness is not something you will master approach, eventually, assertive communication
overnight. It took many years and many instances can be second nature.
of not asserting yourself to get to where you are
today. The important thing to remember is that if Keep reminding yourself of your rights and
you start to be more assertive now, your continue to practice assertiveness skills and you
confidence will continue to build and build. will earn the inner confidence you need to get
what you want while respecting and
When you know your rights, know how to acknowledging the rights and needs of the people
communicate assertively, and use the LADDER around you.

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