Professional Documents
Culture Documents
One plus one never equaled one in our math classrooms, A focused commitment. Christ’s forgiveness and His
so why do we think it will in our living room? The “two example move us to forgive and sacrifice in response to
shall become one” Bible passage from Ephesians 5 His love. There are times when I (Rich) take my attention
sounds romantic at the wedding, but when the tests off my wife, but as long as I don’t take my focus off
come, it feels like a 50-page story problem waiting to Jesus, He will remind me to pay attention to my relation-
flunk us from our first semester of calculus. Why is it so ship with LouAnna.
hard to learn the new math?
An extreme commitment. It’s unlikely that the wounds
The sooner we realize that marriage is a cause of associated with the lack of control, respect, and
conflict (not just a part of it) the sooner we’ll be able to authentic love in a marriage can heal without intense
do the addition. Think about the last “discussion” you devotion. The greatest love stories ever known (including
had with your spouse. Sure, it might have been caused the greatest—the love of Jesus) have demonstrated total
by expectations or crushed character, but it might have devotion. Lovers don’t meet each other halfway. They
been that the two of you are in the most poignant of all give everything they have to give.
relationships. (The relation part of the word means the
A growing commitment. Christian commitment is similar
two of you. The ship part means you can experience a
to WD-40, that all-purpose household lubricant. Once we
wreck at any moment!)
spray it on, it starts eating away at the rusty areas of our
As you “discussed,” you pointed out options, arranged lives, freeing us up to experience more of the wonder so
supporting materials and finally decided the potential tightly fastened on our Creator’s love.
wreck wasn’t worth all the effort (after all, there was a
One of the misconceptions of marriage is that when
slight possibility you could be wrong). That’s probably
people get married, they lose their individual identities.
why humorist Don Fraser could write “A happy home is
The opposite is true. “The goal in marriage is not to think
one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the
alike, but to think together,” says Robert C. Dodds.
other may be right, though neither believes it.”
When we marry, our new relationship becomes a catalyst
The next time you and your spouse find yourselves in
promoting growth and frees us to reach our potential.
a “discussion,” practice the following eight steps for
For the first time we have someone who is permanently
resolving relational conflicts in marriage. They are based
in our court, encouraging us to give our best.
on two primary causes: control issues and the missing
ingredients of respect and love. Step 2: Check the current
Each summer the Rollinses and Trammells raft the
Step 1: Understand the commitments of marriage
Deschutes River. We put the Trammell boys in one raft
Our commitment to the person of Jesus Christ is what
and the adults in another. Even though the river is a
makes a Christian marriage different from any other.
slow, meandering current through the beautiful Oregon
People become Christians by realizing they have sinned
forest—and even through the boys are old enough to take
and can never meet God’s standard (Romans 3:23). By
care of themselves—we breathe less easy when they
placing our faith in Him and His pardon of our sins, we
float out of sight.
have eternal life and can be called Christians.
1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that Our (Rich’s and Marty’s) best friends are our wives.
hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what Whenever we hear someone say that we should treat
hurts you most is probably your love language. our family as friends and our friends as family, we think
that easy—they’re the same people! Being friends means
2. What have you most often requested of your
we have fun with each other, endure the truth from each
spouse? The thing you have most often
other, and find our comfort in each other. That way,
requested is likely the thing that would make
when the conflicts come, we can rest in the friendship
you feel most loved.
created by years of working on them.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to
By practicing these eight steps, we believe that every
your spouse? Your method of expressing love
couple can learn to add one plus one and come up with
may be an indication of what would make you
only one. We can use the new math. We can learn to
feel loved.
share the kind of oneness that annotates our anniversa-
The Apostle Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians ries with candlelight and whispers.
13:4-8 moves love from the abstract to the quantifiable. Adapted from Redeeming Relationships © 2007 Rich Rollins and
Patience is measurable. Kindness is measurable. Paul’s Marty Trammell. Used by Permission of Faith Walk Publishing,
description of love removes our excuses for saying “I Grand Haven, MI.
love you,” but never showing it in what we do. Many Rich Rollins is executive pastor of Valley Bible Church, a commu-
of our conflicts would be readily resolved if love were nity church in the San Francisco Bay area, as well as a healthcare
professional, college vice president, and church consultant.
added to the mixture.
Marty Trammell is chair of the English and Communications
Step 7: Stop remembering department of Corban College in Salem, Org., and on the pastoral
staff of Valley Baptist Church. He has over twenty years of
At some point, we need to stop opening up the photo
counseling experience.
albums of each other’s failures and move on. We do that
by forgiving. If all we do is stare at the negatives in the
photo album of our relationship, very little positive will
develop. We need to stop remembering what shouldn’t be
dwelt on.