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26/10/00 Issue no: 991

International Greensoc Life After

News The Womb

p2 p6 p19 p7-18

SURREY GRADUATE WITH

LEUKAEMIA NEEDS DONOR
SURREY GRADUATE WITH
LEUKAEMIA NEEDS DONOR -
can you help?
Bhupinder (Bu) Nanua-Barnes,
a University of Surrey gradu-
ate, is suffering from
Leukaemia and chemotherapy
has not yet been successful.
Her only option now is for a
Bone Marrow Transplant once
a matching donor can be found
but unfortunately, none of her
family match as a possible
donor and now her only hope is
to appeal to the nation in
search of an unrelated match-
ing bone marrow donor.
Bu and her husband both graduat-
ed from the University of Surrey in
Biochemistry 1995, they were nor-
mal students just like you or me.
After graduating, Bu went on to
work in the Careers Service on
campus for a year and since then
she has been working as a Clinical
Research Associate. Meanwhile,
her husband was doing a PhD in
Biochemistry here at Surrey until
last autumn.
Founded in 1974, The Anthony
Nolan Bone Marrow Trust was
established as the first Register of
volunteers willing to donate bone
marrow in circumstances where a
match cannot be found within a
patient’s family. It was established
due to the hope and determination
of Shirley Nolan in an attempt to
save the life of her son, Anthony; a
little boy born in 1971 suffering a
rare bone marrow disease which
left his immune system unable to
fight infection. Sadly, no matching
donor was ever found for Anthony
and he died in 1979 aged just
seven, but 1,000s of people happy
and well throughout the world
today owe their lives to Shirley’s
tireless work and the Trust now
holds one of the largest databases
of unrelated donors in the world
and has links with many others set
up worldwide.
In Bhupinder’s case, an Asian
Donor is most likely to be a match
as tissue types are inherited
genetic characteristics.
Unfortunately, of the 300,000
potential donors listed on the
Anthony Nolan Bone Marrow
Register, less than 1.5% of volun-
teers are Asian, and the figures
are much lower for many other eth-
nic groups. This means that the
pool of people which may be real-
istically searched for donors is dra-
matically reduced, making it much
more difficult to find donors for
patients, like Bu, who are of non-
white UK origin. The Asian Bone
Marrow Crisis holds a website
which has information specifically
for the Asian community
http://www.ckumar.freeserve.co.uk
/ minority and mixed race volun-
Some people may often be put off
the idea as they mentally associ-
ate donating Bone Marrow to be a
long and painful process, in reality
however it is a relatively simple
procedure. Joining the register is
done through just a small blood
test, but if you were found to be a
donor match for someone, then it
would be a relatively straightfor-
ward procedure causing minimal
discomfort. All bone marrow also
regenerates in the body so any-
thing donated will be completely
replaced and it is said that typical-
ly a donor will just feel tiredness
and a little soreness in the lower
back. Unsurprisingly, most donors
find this a tiny price to pay for the
feeling generated in the knowl-
edge that they are saving a life.
I’ll hold my hands up now and say
that being a bone marrow donor is
one of those things that has some-
To find out how to join the register Thursday & Friday before that (9th
times been the back of my mind as
or for more information about what & 10th Nov). If you do consider
a good thing that I could do, yet I
it involves you can call the Anthony joining the Anthony Nolan register
never looked to find out what it
Nolan Bone Marrow Trust hotline then they will be able take the
would really involve or got around
on 0901 88 22 234 or visit the web blood sample then and there, all
to doing anything about it. It’s one
site at www.anthonynolan.org.uk you have to do is ask them when
of those things that just got put to
join the register; Male volunteers you turn up as long as it is your
one side with the usual “it’ll never
and those from ethnic minorities second blood donation (this is due
happen to me” frame of mind.
need be to be aged between 18-43 purely to the demand the blood
Well, I met Bu last week and all I
and Women must be aged 18-40. service say they can cope with and
can say is that she was a really
All eligible volunteers, in good does not affect your eligibility to
lovely young lady, and it brought it
health, are urged to come forward join the register!).
all so close to home with a
as soon as possible to join the reg-
resounding thump of compassion.
ister, you might just save a life one Whether you consider joining the
This sort of thing happens to peo-
day. The Anthony Nolan Trust donor register or not, If anyone
ple everyday, and I am personally
does however have a particular would be able to help carry out an
moved by the fact that something
need to recruit more male, ethnic awareness campaign to remember
so horribly real is so easily
then please contact me the
ignored. Hopefully some of you will
read this and be motivated into teers. Students’ Union, I need all the help
I can get! You can email on:
perhaps considering joining the
Finally, the National Blood Service s.westwell@surrey.ac.uk or phone
register or even helping raise
is coming to this university on on tel: 01483 879228, ext. 81-9228
awareness for her and anyone in
Wednesday 15 and Thursday 16th
the same situation.
November, Appointments will be Susie Westwell
made in the students Union on the VP Education & Welfare

UniS: School Of Chemical Warfare

The university is taking part in an initiative to
recruit and train new chemical weapons
inspectors from developing countries.
Twelve chemical engineers from overseas
have just completed a stint at Surrey to bring
them up to speed on Western technology
and practices.
The Organisation for the Prohibition of
Chemical Weapons (OPCW) based in The
Hague needs more representatives from
less advanced nations to enforce the limita-
tion and destruction of chemical weapons in
140 participating countries around the world.
As such people do not get suitable experi-
ence in their place of origin, OPCW has cre-
ated a 13-week foundation course. 3 of
these weeks are spent at Surrey with Drs
David Faraday and Ron Schulz from the
Department of Chemical & Process
Engineering. Week 1 is skills training and
Week 2 consists of industrial briefings. In the
final week the participants must manage a
simulated chemical plant and company. It is
all intended to integrate academic, technical
and transferable skills.
The tutees have come from a wide range of
countries and backgrounds. Academics and
industry experience has brought them from
Benin, Cuba, Panama, Yugoslavia, Latvia,
Vietnam, Bangladesh, Venezuela, Malawi,
Costa Rica, Nigeria and Indonesia.
Sheila Veefkind-Reyes, an inorganic chemist
said: "I have always done lonely research in
a laboratory before so I haven't had the
experience of working as part of a team or
seeing how a chemical plant operates".
continued on page 3

barefacts@surrey.ac.uk News 1-3 n Features 4-6, n Barearts 7 - 18 n Lifestyle 20 n Sport 22-23

 2 News 26/10/00

Editorial please keep them coming. Without your contributions

barefacts would be nothing.

Editorial Team Wooahh, this week barefacts is a stonking 24 page Kevin Marston
issue, which has caused the barefacts team to have Editor
Editor
Editor
a) writers cramp
Kevin Marston
b) a temporary headahe
c) an overpowering sense of joy
Deputy
Deputy Editor
Editor
Luke Hickey ...while the barefacts production team, Luke, Andy
and I have suffered
Production
Production Editor
Editor
Andrew Thomas a) from a lack of sleep
b) computer problems
News
News Team
Team c) ‘thank God thats over and done with’ syndrome
James Buller
But thanks to all the contributors this week and
Features
Features Editor
Editor
Vacant

Music
Music Editor
Editor
Owen Hazelby

Arts
Arts Editor
Editor
Chris Morton

Sports
Sports Editor
Editor
Dave Chapman Breakthrough in North Korea
Marketing
Marketing Team
Team An announcement has been made by the United
Vacant State's Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, that
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il is prepared, in
Contributors
Contributors principle, to halt his country's long-range missile
Ali Danby testing programme. The announcement was made
Ellen van Keulen at the end of an historic two-day set of talks;
Dave Abbott Albright is the most senior US official to ever visit
Susie Westwell the communist state. In return for proposing ending
Chops the controversial testing programme, the US have
Libby Hurt spoken about the possibility of them helping North
Gisela Böhnisch Korea develop its own satallite launch capacity.
Tom Sugarman
Caroline Thorpe Albright reported that Jong-il told her that the
Melanie Wilberforce launch of the Taepodong 2 missile in 1998 would
Andrew Gale be the country's 'first and the last'. The launch spo-
Greensoc ken of was a surprise test, which took place over
Chops Japan and raised fears that North Korea was able
MWC to strike into nearby countries. However, the North
& Dr Russ Koreans always claimed that they were performing
tests to see if they were ready to launch a domes-
tic satellite. When pushed on overall diplomatic
barefacts relations between the US and North Korea, Albright
Union House, University Of Surrey said, "The road to fully normal relations remained
Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH uphill."
Tel: 01483 879275
Fax: 01483 534749 Election Turmoil in The Ivory Coast
email: barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
It has been announced by the Ivory Coast's Interior
Deadline for Publication Minister that the military ruler, General Robert Guei
Monday 12pm is the new president after having won the elections
last Sunday. It was also announced that the elec-
toral commission, which had put Guei's main oppo-
Submissions nent, Laurent Gbagdo, has been dissolved.
preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format, Gbagdo then promptly told a news conference,
"From this moment on, I am the head of the state
Text in Arial, size 9 font of Ivory Coast" and called on his followers to take
barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office.
to the streets in support. Within hours, thousands
The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily of people were demonstrating in the capital,
represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union Abidjan.
or the University of Surrey.
This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission
of the publisher. The electoral commission stopped announcing on
Monday when soldiers surrounded its headquar-
All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication.
Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. ters, after Guei accused his opponents of a 'mas-
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions.
sive fraud' in rigging the elections. Guei came to
Printed by power in a coup last December and had promised
East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT to respect the results of the elections. However,
© USSU Communications Office 2000 before they began, Guei had already gained a
Supreme Court ruling that banned some of his
main opponents including former Prime Minister
Alassene Owattara, from taking part. France, for-
mer colonial power of the Ivory Coast, has warned
the military against ignoring the electorate's wish-
es.
Serbian Apology
The new president of Yugoslavia, Vojislav
Kostunica, has become the first Yugoslav leader to
accept responsibility and express regret for any
conflict in the Balkans, by admitting that the
Serbian army and police force carried out large-
scale killings in Kosovo last year. The admission
has come in contrast to the former President
Slobodan Milosevic, who continually insisted that
the West were to blame for stirring up the conflicts.
In an interview for US network CBS news;
Kostunica said, "I am ready to … accept the guilt
for all those people who have been killed … for
what Milosevic had done, and as a Serb, I will take
responsibility for many of these crimes."
Threat in the Gulf
A United State's official has said, "Some of our
forces have been put on a very high state of alert
in response to specific threats." This came two
weeks after an apparent terrorist attack on the
navy ship USS Cole, based in Yemen. Some
reports have suggested that Saudi exile Ossama
bin Laden may be behind the threats, he is a pos-
sible suspect of a previous bomb attack on a US
navy ship, where 17 sailors were killed and more
than 30 injured.
New Temporary England Manager
Leicester City manager Peter Taylor and
Manchester United assistant manager Steve
McLaren have been appointed as temporary part-
time manager and assistant manager for the next
England football match, against Italy in Turin, in
November. Both managers will perform their cur-
rent tasks for their clubs, only being released for
the international.
Meanwhile, the Football Association has
announced that they have a shortlist of three
potential permanent managers but is refusing to be
drawn on its content. However, it is widely believed
to contain the names of Arsene Wenger of Arsenal,
Sven Goran Eriksson of Lazio and Roy Hodgson,
formerly of Blackburn.
Heath to Stand Down
The ‘Father of the House of Commons’ Sir Edward
Heath, is to retire from the Commons at the next
elections after over 50 years as member of parli-
ment for Bexley and Old Sidcup. Sir Edward, is cur-
rently the longest serving MP and was Prime
Minister between 1970 and 1974.
Current Prime Minister Tony Blair has led the trib-
utes, saying: “Sir Edward has made an outstanding
contribution to British political life both through his
service as an MP and as Prime Minister”.
Conservative leader William Hague said that Sir
Edwards retirment would ‘leave a gap that no-one
can fill. He will be suceeded as ‘Father of the
House’, subject to re-election, by long serving
Labour MP Tam Dalyell.
by Luke Hickey
26/10/00
...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief...
from page 1
Convenor Dr Faraday commented: "The
course is going better than expected. All the
participants have engaged on it very enthu-
siastically"
Five more weeks of the course are still to go
including placements at chemical plants and
a wrap up session in the Netherlands.
Ex-Connex
Train operator Connex has been partly
stripped of its franchise due to poor per-
formance. Thames Trains will take over run-
ning of Connex services in Surrey and
Sussex.
The government cited a lack of punctuality
and failure to upgrade rolling stock as rea-
sons for terminating Connex's seven-year
contract after just four years. Thames Trains
were named as successors, having pledged
£1.5 billion investment in to services. The
announcement was made to the Shadow
Strategic Rail Authority (SSRA) on Tuesday
morning.
Currently one fifth of Connex's trains run
late. The carriages are also outdated and in
need of replacement. A spokeswoman said
that Connex had promised plans and levels
of investment similar to those of Thames
Trains. They were therefore "very disap-
pointed" to lose the south central franchise.
Connex and its French owners Vivendi will
continue to operate trains in the southeast
sector of the rail network.
Govia of the Go-Ahead Group owns
Thames Trains. While it will not take over
until next year, managing director Keith
Ludeman has outlined his company's
improvement plans. "My initial message to
people who use the service is to be patient.
We have some detailed and imaginative
plans to transform those services... we are
keen to get on with it," he told BBC
Breakfast News. "Half of the investment will
News & Emails
go towards replacing the entire train fleet. All
of the slam-door rolling stock will be gone by
2004." "We will then be spending a lot of
money on improving the rest of the stock
with facilities such as air conditioning." "Half
of the money will go towards track and sig-
nalling to grow the capacity and improve
safety and reliability."
Govia promised upgrades for the lines to
Brighton and Chichester. They also predict a
70% rise in punctuality by 2005 - nine out of
10 trains being on time. The contract will last
for 20 years to encourage more long-term
investment than was previously possible.
As Govia also owns Thames Trains and
Thameslink the deal makes it the largest
company running trains into and around
London. The government hopes to improve
the infrastructure of the railways by reducing
the number of companies involved.
UK's Kosovo Effort Condemned
British forces played a disappointing role in
Nato's Kosovo war, according to a
Commons report this week. The Defence
Select Committee said the UK's air forces
flew a tiny proportion of total sorties and that
they had little effect.
Nato tried bombing Serbian troops to stop
them committing atrocities against Kosovo's
ethnic, Albanian civilians. Britain's planes
contributed mainly by dropping unguided
1,000lb cluster bombs.
The report says these operations "of limited
military value and questionable legitimacy"
made up just 5% of the Nato campaign.
They were only confirmed as successful in a
"distressingly low" 2% of cases. It continued:
"The lack of all-weather capability to deliver
precision-guided weapons from the air
severely compromised the RAF's and the
Royal Navy's effectiveness." Another "major
shortcoming" was the absence of a secure
communications system, it goes on.
The committee also described the effective-
ness of the whole air campaign as 'at best
marginal'. "The strikes against fielded forces
in Kosovo failed in their declared primary
objective of averting a humanitarian disas-
ter," it said. "This lesson must be learned".
The cross party group of MP's went on to
criticise the ruling out of using Nato's ground
forces as a "serious error of judgement".
They felt political leaders were "confused"
and hence "hamstrung" the alliance's influ-
ence upon Serbia.
Hoping to discourage similar action by Nato
in the future they conclude: "Kosovo has,
fortunately, dispelled the illusion that Nato is
an instrument that can readily be used in a
precise and discriminating way to support
diplomacy." "Military conflict, it reminded us,
is messy, dangerous and not wholly pre-
dictable." "Politicians will, we hope, face up
to some of its less palatable lessons."
The Minister for the Armed Forces acceded
that there were points to consider. However
Mr Spellar insisted: "We must not let this
overshadow the fact that our objectives
were achieved...The departure of
Milosevic's troops from Kosovo, the return of
Kosovar Albanians and now the rejection of
Milosevic's dictatorship by the people of
Serbia has shown that Nato's approach was
right," he concluded.
New Commons Speaker Chosen
Labour MP Michael Martin has been elected
as the new Speaker of the House of
Commons. After an extended process
Martin replaced the much-loved Betty
Boothroyd as chair of parliamentary
debates.
Prime Minister Tony Blair praised the
Glasgow MP's "inherent sense of fairness"
and "good humour and gentle style of per-
suasion". In response Mr Martin said: "I
thank the House for its confidence in me. I
pray I will prove worthy of that confidence
and all of us will maintain the high tradition
of this place."
3
Martin was the bookies favourite for the job.
He beat off 11 challengers before the final
vote of confidence. With 370 favourable
votes and only eight against he became the
156th person to take to position.
Running On Empty
A car that claims to run purely on air is has
been announced. e.Volution will be unveiled
in South Africa this week and models could
be gracing the roads of France soon.
Not much is yet known about the inner work-
ings of the prototype car, designed by
Formula 1 racing engineer Guy Negre. It will
be displayed at Auto Africa Expo 2000
under the slogan "Simple, Economic and
Clean".
The engine's pistons are said to work by
releases of compressed air, stored in tank
reminiscent of scuba gear. As such the
engine takes up just 5% of the car's 700kg
total weight. When plugged in to electricity
the air tanks can fill themselves up in just 4
hours using an integral compressor. The
makers say though that a stop at a proper
'air station' could take just 3 minutes.
Usage statistics are still theoretical but do
predict 10 hours of driving at an average
speed of 50mph, at a cost of just 90pence.
The mini people carrier type vehicles are
also expected to cost a very competitive
£7,000
If e.Volution really works and can challenge
cars using conventional fuels, it could revo-
lutionise the international car market. The
first examples are due out of two French fac-
tories later this year. South African versions
will follow in 2002. Eight more production
lines are slated for Mexico, Spain and
Australia. The ventures are being run as
separate franchises, giving boosts to local
people and companies.
by James Buller

Your Emails
Please send your emails to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
To: barefacts
From: Tristan O’Dwyer
Subject: Union Security
Cc:
Dear barefacts
It seems there is a problem in our Union with the
behaviour of some of the Security staff. This is
something that was confirmed by their actions last
Friday night (20/10/00).
On two occasions I saw people get thrown out for lit-
tle or no good reason. Neither of the students had
been causing trouble, or were acting dangerously.
Security seriously overreacted to both situations.
Earlier in the night a group of girls who were sitting
on the floor at the edge of the HRB dancefloor
(which was empty at this point. It was early in the
night), were ordered, for no apparent reason, to
stand up. One girl refused, and was grabbed by the
arm and pulled up. Surely if these girls had been
treated with respect, and asked POLITELY to stand
up, there wouldn’t have been a problem.
Behaviour like this is totally inappropriate, and
shows that there are elements within security who
simply want to express authority. They seem power
hungry. I would like to suggest that each member of
security has a number printed on his/her t-shirt, as
happens in most venues. This would make them
more easily identifiable to students who wish to
complain, and would perhaps encourage them to act
more responsibly. It would also help distinguish
between those who are a problem, and those that
do a good job. I would like to stress that I do appre-
ciate that there is a need for Security, and that there
ARE some members of security who do a good job,
and treat students with respect. No doubt these
members get more respect in return.
Finally I’d just like to refelct on what a member of
security told me. He said “it’s always going to be a
“them & us” situation”. Well perhaps if security
cleaned up their act it wouldn’t need to be that way.
Yours sincerely
Tristan O’Dwyer
Final Year Physics.
To: barefacts
From: Jamie Innes
Subject: Union
Cc:
Dear Barefacts
22 nd October
Firstly I would like to say that I
welcome the £1 per pint of
Carling offer in the Union. In fact,
I was so happy at being able to
buy it so cheaply that I decided to
go to the Union at 9pm last Friday
to take full advantage.
My friends and I were met at the
door by Security, who seemed to
think the time was 8.50 p.m., and
admission would not be allowed
until 9.00 p.m. After we pointed
out that the time was, in fact, 9
o’clock exactly, we were told the
doors would not be open until
9.15 or 9.30. Now that the Union
has cheaper prices for Carling, I
do not think they should be cut-
ting the time available for cheap
pints by opening later. In fact, I
seem to remember that in previ-
ous years, the Union opened at
roughly 8 o’clock on a Friday
evening.
I am also curious as to why the
Union bars are not open all day
every day, which again used to be
the case in years gone by. Are
not both of these points an
attempt by the Union to force stu-
dents to go to Chancellor’s and
spend £2 for a pint (or at the very
least stop students taking full
advantage of the special offer)?
Yours sincerely
Jamie Innes.
 4 Drag & Fetish Feature
London Fetish Fair Union Fashion
Well every first Sunday of the month the
London Fetish Fair (LFF) is held from 11am
to 5pm. Coming up in November it’s in a
new location but still likely to be a great turn
out, so if you’re bored on November 5 th and
want to have a day out in London with a
twist try visiting the LFF. You can still be
back in time for any fireworks party and
your Monday morning lectures if you can be
bothered to get up. So what is it all about?
Well why don’t we just give you a little
review of October’s fair and let you make up
your own minds...
On a dark dark day, in a dark dark place,
wearing dark dark clothes, OH sorry, it was
wet outside and we were on a tube and
going “gothic”. Anyhow, London mmmm,
diverse place, especially at “Smithys” just
off Pentonville Rd. The monthly fetish fair
hit London, not sure but we think London
ran away screaming!
Upon arrival two very dodgy (in the nicest
possible sense) men gave us freebies
stuffed into brown paper envelopes. After
Missie got worried thinking she was going to
have to ask questions at the next Young
Conservatives Conference we realised (A)
she’s Labour, and (B) no money. Once in
the pub the fight began to even get to the
first stall, however, much as it was a culture
shock it was certainly an eye opener! The
stalls were as diverse as any definition of
the “fetish scene” can be, though sadly lack-
ing in the foot fetish and American Football
players fetish - we know you love them real-
ly. BUT the fair included a good range of
clothing (in materials such as pvc, rubber
and leather amongst others) including
maids outfits, clubwear, and gothic dress.
With Fudge it won’t budge!!!
HAIRTEC
24 Madrid Road
(01483) 440414
Lloyds
Chemist
Madrid
Road
Other stalls looked to the darker, less
known side with a veritable selection of
whips, chains and other toys (Why is it
always me to get the free trials? - Missie),
jewelry and footwear were also widely avail-
able.
So, is it as dark, gloomy, and scary as it
seems? NO, we tell you, NO! The people
there are so friendly, everyone there is there
for a laugh and although you do see the odd
collar and leash the people are just out to
shop and have fun. Get a drink at the bar,
if you can find it, and wander! Our opinion?
Well it was great! No reason to be shy
(unless you want to be), no pressure to
“dress accordingly” and you do not even
have to be into taking your partner and
spanking them! You just have to be open
minded and the £3 entry fee will be well
worth it.
So where have they moved it to Mental?
(Missie goes and hides away laughing
wickedly and Mental looks up grinning)
Well it’s now in a nice place called “The
Drome” on Weston Street, London Bridge,
London SE1 a nice new location just down
the road from the London Dungeons.
Follow the signs for London Dungeon from
London Bridge Station (or Tube), Weston
Street, it’s a tunnel, is the second on the
right after London Dungeon. Look for the
entrance into the Drome halfway down the
street. For a map try looking it up on the net
at http;//www.streetmap.co.uk or take a
gander at the LFF website at
http://www.lff.nixnet.co.uk the Drome has a
700 person capacity so don’t worry about
getting in! by Mental and Missie
Reduced
prices for
Students
Tuesday’s -
Friday’s
inclusive
The Astolat
x Newsagent Apollo
Fashion Feature: Drag And Fetish
Disco
With the Drag And Fetish Disco (DAFD) just
a day away, we thought we would give you
a few last minute suggestions to help you
enjoy your sick twisted perversions to the
fullest. If you haven’t planned your outfit yet
then don’t worry, it’s still not too late to
knock them dead.
Choose your character
It’s clear from past DAFDs that many of
those who choose the fetish option have
not had to buy anything especially for the
disco. In fact, some of the outfits clearly
could not be purchased legally in Britain
and must have come by mail order from the
manufacturers in Amsterdam. We feel we
can’t help you sickos any further..... so the
rest of this article is devoted to those men
who want to use the DAFD to investigate
their femininity.
First, you need to decide on what character
you are going to be. Sure, you could just
dress up in your girlfriend’s underwear, but
that’s not terribly novel. You could do that
any night of the week, and you probably do.
No, what you need is a theme.
There are a number of basic varieties of
women you can go for. The first flavour, and
by far the most popular, is The Tart. Large
boobs, exposed underwear, and heavy
make up are essential for this character.
Nurses outfits and school uniforms are
obvious things to wear. Another major cate-
gory is The Demure Girl. Long dresses,
freckles, and a shy demeanour are the key
ingredients of the demure types. The last
variety is the Comical Character. Here you
can go as a pregnant woman, an old scrub-
ber, a librarian, or something similar.
Once you’ve chosen your character, where
do you get your outfit? It’s best to borrow as
much as you can, but many women quite
rightly don’t like the idea of a sweaty oik
parading around in their clothes. The best
option is to hit the charity shops, but we
would advise against purchasing under-
wear there. There aren’t many charity
shops left in Guildford, and the Phyllis
Tuckwell in Phoenix Court (near
Woolworths, Photo Optix, and Cafenet) is
the best. They even have a cheap basket of
fancy dress clothes. Another good shop is
the one down Jeffrey’s Passage. The only
others we know of are Oxfam (near the
King’s Head and The Star) and another one
near MacDonald’s (opposite Blockbuster).
Both of these are quite expensive, though.
Woking has a great charity shop opposite
the entrance to the train station.
Some sort of hair accessories always look
good, so give Claire’s (on the High Street)
or Essentials (North Street) a try. If you are
going to shell out on a wig then The Party
Shop at the rear of Sainsbury’s and The
Non-Stop Party Shop by TGI Friday’s
should have some.
Preparing for your big night
You have to get in the mindset of a woman
to make the most of the night. To achieve
this, start showering at 6pm, and take an
amount of time is proportional to the num-
ber of times that people hammer on the
door and tell you to hurry up. If anyone
should shout at you during this time, start
crying and refuse to leave until you have
completed an extensive sulk. Just as you
are about to leave, ask your partner if what
you are wearing looks OK. Disregard their
answer and say “I look fat, don’t I?”.
Proceed in this paranoid manner and
26/10/00
refuse to leave the house until you are sure
that you will arrive at the Union well after
the cheap drinks promotion has finished for
the night.
When getting dressed, remember that you
ain’t gonna feel like a proper woman unless
you’ve got correct the assets. Rolled up
socks can look effective, but balloons are
more traditional. Money spent on your
boobs is rarely wasted, so you may like to
invest in some flesh-coloured balloons,
available from The Party Shop (near
Sainsbury’s rear entrance). You will be
delighted to find your boobs getting
squeezed aplenty at the disco, and it’s
always prudent to keep a spare in your
handbag in case some rough brute should
pop one. It’s very peculiar getting your
boobs squeezed but not feel any sensation,
and it seems rude not to show any sort of
appreciation. Just to be polite, make sure
they’re kept pert by sellotaping ratisins to
the front.
Bless their cotton socks for trying but, when
applying make up, men have a tendency to
overdo it. Don’t get carried away - you don’t
want people to think you are a tart, do you?
Remember the golden rule: less is more.
This applies not just to the warpaint but to
underwear and backsides, too. When it
comes to make up, it’s always best to trust
a woman to do it, even if this goes against
your instinct. A word of warning, though:
they generally neglect to mention that you
need this stuff called ‘make-up remover’ to
de-cake your face before going to work the
next day.
Behaving in a lady like manner
You might have the stockings, the boobs,
and the looks, but you are going to have to
modify your manners if you want to be a
real lady. Here are a few tips. Firstly, keep
your legs together when you sit down, and
NEVER cross them. Secondly, don’t whistle
- only dustmen whistle. Thirdly, whenever a
man is talking to you, flutter your eyelids
and laugh at all of his jokes. If the conver-
sation should turn to football or cars, quick-
ly change the subject by saying something
like “Can we talk about shopping or puppies
instead, please?” Fourthly, always be cour-
teous to other women. Say nice things like,
“Oh, that is a lovely dress, and I love your
hair, you must give me the number for your
hairdresser!”. When they have gone, say:
“Cheap tramp - she looks like she’s been
dragged through a hedge backwards. And I
saw that dress on C&A’s reduced rail”.
Mandy Gale & Tanya Ede
26/10/00
The USSU Review: Progress Report
The USSU Review: Progress Report
It has been a very successful two weeks for
USSU regarding the strategic review and
reorganisation process that was announced
at Student Council on the 10 th Oct. As hoped
the process is moving quickly and during the
past few days a Temporary Manager (Bob
Anderson) has been appointed into the
Union. Mr Anderson has a strong commer-
cial background with extensive knowledge
of NUSSL (NUS Services Ltd) and will act,
not only as a day-to-day manager and staff
support, but also initially as an independent
consultant figure charged with investigating
the problematic areas faced by the Union
Club (Commercial part of the USSU). Mr
Anderson will feed information back into the
Working Party and relevant focus groups
and thus help to achieve and implement
short and long-term goals.
The review Working Party, met for the first
time also this week. The group comprised,
the six Union Sabbatical Officers, three stu-
dent representatives (although due to illness
only two were present) and the NUS South
Features 5
East Regional Officer. This initial meeting date of forthcoming meetings via email. If
set out the expectations and aspirations of you have not yet signed up but would still
those involved and allowed the NUS Rep, like to do so then please send an email Focus Group
from experience of other Students’ Unions,
to offer possible ideas and suggest potential
marked ‘Review Participation’
l.andrews@surrey.ac.uk and your details
to Timetable
processes that might be involved in reaching will be added to the contact list.
the Working Party’s targets. This initial Friday 27th October
meeting was also used to set topics for the A more detailed account of the Working
first stage of Focus Groups and it is hoped Party will be available on the USSU Website
Alcohol Range
that the student representatives of the work- as soon as possible. For more information Focus Group
ing party will lead these. The first Focus regarding any aspect of the review or the Helyn Rose Bar@5pm
Groups scheduled to meet (see table for Union in general please do not hesitate in
times and locations) will be discussing: contacting any member of the Sabbatical
Team. Thanks for your support. Wednesday 1st November
Products sold behind the bars
Facilities and Services on Offer Facilities & Services
Events and the processes involved in Focus Group
selecting them.
Helyn Rose Bar@3pm
The Working Party agreed that in order for a
Focus Group to be effective it should consist Friday 3rd November
of no more than 20 people. We will therefore Entertainments & Events
be operating a first come first served sys- Focus Group
tem. All those students who have expressed
an interest in being involved with the review Helyn Rose Bar@5pm
in any shape or form are being kept up to

Your Shout
You’ve heard of the one-armed man, well, last week on campus you
might have spotted what looked like a strange one-footed girl. The
pathetic, hobbling specimen was a poor, partly disable student with a
very sore toe. Me.

I was the innocent victim of a viscious assault by a lumbering

Saturday night poser with two left feet. This former friend landed on
my foot like a large African elephant, leaving one toe broken and sev-
eral ear drums shattered. I scream loudly.

Little did I realise what further dramas awaited me at Guildford as

I lurched and hopped my way back to campus on Monday morning.
How do disabled people manage to get about here ? Many of you
will have realised by now that Surrey is not exactly the flattest cam-
pus around, Stag /Shag /Slag Hill providing a real challenge to the
physically impaired student.

The Health Centre was obviously my first port of call, so off I went
to see the nurse. This was not easy with only one foot functioning
properly and about 2000 steps to negotiate. Not exactly a wheelchair
friendly route. Safely installed in the Health Centre medical help was
quickly provided. A prod of the offending toe was swiftly followed by
a piercing shriek. The verdict? “ I think it’s broken “, the nurse
exclaimed removing me from the ceiling of exam room one.

Fortunately help and sympathy were at hand after an exhausting

trek back to my house. One friend attempted to carry me through the
door way of my duplex room forgetting of course that it was built for
midgets and certainly not disabled ones at that. Having sustained
multiple bruising from this exercise I decided that attending lectures
could prove a useful distraction.

Thankfully, I was not a wheelchair bound student because I

realised at this point that disabled ramps on campus are, in fact,
lethal. The one connecting Battersea Court to inner areas seems to
have a gradient of 1 in 2, an impossible task for any wheelchair user
actually wishing to live. The ramps are also narrow and appear to be
very slippery.

There are steps everywhere on campus, seemingly very few ramps

and doors are partlicularly difficult to use if you are not able-bodied.
My own attempts at a night out at the union were scuppered by my
mobility problems ( not due to alcohol ) as there are steps connect -
ing every level.

Hopefully my toe will be less painful by the time the Fettish Night
arrives so that I can wear my thigh-high boots and get around more
easily. But I am concerned about those who can’t recover in a week.
How can we make our campus easier to use for all students ?
Suggestions please.

by Libby Hurt
 6 Green Society
What a load of Rubbish
Newlands Corner – an ‘Area of Outstanding
Natural Beauty’, surrounded by wooded hill-
sides and spectacular views.
Western Wood Hill – forested and scenic,
rising behind Albury Village and part of the
Albury Estate.
Enter the new generation of humans – mass
consumption, scant regard for the environ-
ment and natural landscape, aeons of
waste…
Welcome to the landfill site! With 200,000
tonnes of sand excavated every year since
1988, the 52 acre site, once Western Wood
but now owned by Chambers, is no longer a
picnic destination. The site now receives
140,000 tonnes of waste per year from com-
mercial, industrial and domestic sources in
Surrey. At current usage levels there is 8-9
years of sand extraction left, catering for a
further 20 years of landfill before this hol-
lowed corpse of nature is sealed over and
it’s noxious foundations hidden forever. We
hope…
Of course it is not all doom and gloom. The
area of landfill, below the edge of the site to
conceal it from view and prevent unpleasant
odours of the decomposing waste reaching
the local population, is divided into 10,000
sq. metre cells. These are lined by a com-
posite walling made up of several different
layers to minimise the risks of leakage and
subsequent contamination of the surround-
ing area. I say minimise – the bodies
responsible will probably assure us there is
no risk, but think of the BSE crisis, nuclear
disasters, the Titanic sunk! It is easy to be
wise after the event. Against the rough edge
of the hole is a 2-metre layer of reinforced
sand, followed by polystyrene to create a
smoother and more cohesive surface. Next
is a lining of HDPE (a high density, non-
porous plastic, 3-4mm thick), and a ‘gas
mesh’, a plastic net-like material to prevent
pockets of gas forming which could cause a
The landfill Site
Elections end 4pm Friday 27th October
26/10/00
pressure build up and act as a lubricant
allowing movement between layers of the
lining. Then there is another HDPE layer,
this time knitted to increase it’s strength and
make it more resistant to puncturing by and
protruding sharp waste that may be pressed
against it. Finally there is another 1 metre of
sand, and then the rubbish. At £97 per sq.
metre it is hardly cheap, but every precau-
tion is entirely necessary. When a cell is full,
and has been allowed to settle (there is
approximately a 15% decrease in volume of
the waste, so cells are ‘overfilled’ by about
20metres to compensate), the top is sealed
over with the same materials, and eventual-
ly plans are to replant it and monitor with an
aftercare programme lasting up to 60 years,
by which time the waste will have decom-
posed, and therefore reduced in volume, as
much as it is going to. Members of Greensoc and Fiona Wareham at eh landfill site
Pipes are inserted to funnel out methane incinerator at Slyfield would reduce the vol- using less. A huge proportion of rubbish is a
gas created by the rotting matter. Currently
this simply perfumes the local atmosphere,
but when areas have been sealed and
become relatively stable (approx. 8 years
time) it will be possible to collect and use
this gas for electricity generation. Although
decomposition happens faster in damp con-
ditions, until the cell is completely filled
leachates are drained and treated to keep
the waste as dry as possible. Vermin control
and Air Pollution control are regular visitors
to the site – roughly monthly and 3-4 times a
month respectively, more in the summer.
A final precaution is a restoration bond on
which the Environment Agency has the first
call. If anything does go wrong, this bond is
designed to cover any resulting damage
costs. But at what price is nature?
An aerial view of the landfill Site
Other costs are implemented by the govern-
ment. Landfill tax, currently £11 a tonne for
general waste, is set to rise by £1 every year ume of rubbish into landfill generally, form of packaging – by refusing over pack-
until it reaches £15, from which point it is Newlands Corner would be fairly unaffected aged products and reusing packets and
expected to jump following the example of since the sources of their waste are local. bags wherever possible you will be reducing
other European countries (e.g. in Germany The new sites would be taking the propor- your input to the growing waste mountain. If
the equivalent charge is £45). This cost is tion of Surrey’s waste that is currently being you are not convinced of the importance of
then passed on to the producer, either by exported to other counties for disposal. The this, go and visit Newlands Corner for your-
charging businesses or in taxes. At 30 only way to reduce the amount of litter going self. Look across the landscape and then
tonnes per month, this is a significant cost to to sites such as Newlands Corner is for the imagine if all the hills were carved out and
the university! population as a whole to make a conscious their whole natural internal ecosystem
effort to reduce the volume of rubbish they removed. What a waste.
While new developments like the proposed generate by recycling and, more ideally, by Greensoc
The landfill Site
Poetry Page

Music Reviews
Competitions
Horoscopes
Road Trip
 8 News & Comps
Music News
Paul Weller, former frontman with the
Jam, has been released on police bail after
he was arrested in connection with an
alleged rape. The incident is said to have
happened in Farnham, Hampshire in 1996.
The alleged victim is a 36 year old woman,
believed to live in Stretham, London.
Marilyn Manson fans are in with a
chance of winning a trip to Hollywood to
meet the star as part of a competition aimed
at promoting his new website (www.marilyn-
mansononline.co.uk), up and running from
the 1 st November. Entrants will have to pay
a daily visit to the site, for fourteen days, to
collect clues to obtain a secret message in
Manson’s new album ‘Holy Wood (In The
Shadow of The Valley of Death)’. The clues
can also be found on the two CD versions of
his new single ‘Disposable Teens’ out on the
6th November or in his new album, released
a week later. All correct entries will win an
Competitions
Welcome to our re-launched
Competitions Page, up for grabs this
week are an activate stunt kite, some
FNO tickets, some cookery books and
some Supersister goodies. For all the
competitions please send your entries
in by email to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
by 6pm Monday 30 th October 2000.
The winners will be notified within a
couple of days so please include your
contact details. Good luck!
Win an Activate Stunt Kite!!!
In association with www.activate.co.uk we
have one kite to give away, all you have to
exclusive Manson download. There is also
talk of Manson touring the UK in January,
watch this space for more details.
A U2 track featuring Mick Jagger, front-
man of Rolling Stones has been omitted
from the band’s forthcoming album ‘All That
You Can’t Leave Behind’. The track, called
‘Stuck in a Moment (You Can’t Get Out Of),
is now appearing as an alternative version.
U2 guitarist, The Edge, said that the track
‘took a different direction’ and is now not
going to be used.
The Ministry of Sound is set to hold a
16,000 capacity New Year’s Eve party at the
Millennium Dome. The gig will be the last
event to be held in the controversial building
and will feature four rooms; house, UK
garage, drum n’ bass and a chill out / cine-
ma room. Paul Oakenfold, Artful Dodger,
The Dreem Team, Fabio and DJ Rap are
already confirmed, with the ministry looking
do is answer the following question:
What search engines can you use to find
a part time job on www.activate.co.uk ?
(Hint: You might want to take a look at the
website)
Win FNO tickets!!!
Just answer this question:
If you were one of the X-men, what would
your special mutant power be?
The funniest and most original answer wins
you a pair of tickets to the FNO on 3rd on
November.
to add a further 37 names to the list. The
event will be broadcast simultaneously on
Radio 1 and to 178 stations in 37 countries.
Meanwhile the 12,500 capacity Resolution
at Alexandra Palace will be headlined by
Primal Scream, with ADF and Ian Brow as
supporting cast for their New Year Party.
DJs confirmed include Jon Carter, Luke
Slater, James Lavelle and Andy Weatherals.
Primal Scream have also announced a
small tour before Christmas, taking in
Birmingham, Brighton and Manchester.
Before them the Foo Fighters will be visit-
ing Manchester, Birmingham, Brixton,
Edinburgh and Glasgow in early November.
Ricky Martin is reported to have snubbed
the Australian music awards (ARIA) after not
being allowed to perform at them. Martin is
said to have pulled out from presenting an
award at the Aussie equivalents of the Bits
after being told that only Australian perform-
Win Supersister Goodies!!!
We’ve teamed up with Supersister, ‘the
three talented singers and songwriters with
style, intelligence, sex appeal and a wicked
sense of humour’ to give away a prize of a
Supersister bag and their latest single
‘Coffee’, plus 4 runners-up prizes of CD’s to
the people who can answer this question:
Complete the lyric from Supersister’s
smash hit ‘Coffee’:
I like my man like I like my coffee; hot,
strong and sweet like ……
Is it a) toffee
b) a stick of rock
c) a wet weekend in Blackpool
26/10/00
ers are allowed to perform. Madison Avenue
and Killing Heidi were the big winners at the
prestigious event.
Daphne & Celeste are taking a break
from their hectic touring schedule to battle it
out with Indie band Arab Strap to become
the new agony aunts for the www.nme.com
website. Voting takes place on Tuesday 31st
October, don’t waste your vote.
Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst and
Eminem could be set for a duet on stage as
part of their anger management tour of the
US. Meanwhile Damon Albarn, lead singer
with Blur, has become the latest celebrity in
the current feud, describing Travis as
‘cheese on toast music’ and Limp Bizkit as
‘shit’. It has become apparent that the only
reason Blur released a ‘best of’ album was
to take a year off and have said that they will
be back soon.
by Luke Hickey
Win A Cookery Book!!!
In conjunction with New Zealand Lamb, we
have SIX copies of ‘Famous Family Food’
cookery books to win. The cookery book
contains a unique collection of favourite
recipes of many different famous people. All
you have to do is answer the following ques-
tion:
Zoe Ball makes her cheesecake for which
famous DJ?
Is it a) DJ Larry ‘da’ Lamb
b) DJ Lovebite
c) Norman Cooke
26/10/00
HO
ORRO
OSSC
COOP
PEES
S B Y A STROLOGICAL A LISON
Libra Sept 24th - Oct 23rd
A personal hygiene crisis is on the cards for
all librans this week. You may not notice it
yourselves but someone close to you will be
quick to point it out to you.
Lucky tinned food : spaghetti hoops with
sausages.
Scorpio Oct 24th - Nov 22nd
Do not, I repeat, do not eat that fruit cake
your mum sent to you for doing well in your
cross country running race. I am unable to
reveal why so you’ll just have to trust me on
this one!
Lucky tinned food : tuna in brine.
Sagittarius Nov 23rd - Dec 21st
This looks to be a great week for all
Sagittarians. The money may start rolling in
but don’t spend it all of once, remember
what you Granny told you....”save it for a
rainy day”. On second thoughts the weather
is instructing you to spend, spend, spend!
Lucky tinned food : all day breakfast.
Capricorn Dec 22nd - Jan 20th
This is a bad time to initiate a sexual rela-
tionship at work. The stars are telling you to
Arts Feature
wait until the re-run of ‘Dad’s Army’ before
you get down to any funny business.
Lucky tinned food : Whiskers, game
flavoured.
Aquarius Jan 21st - Feb 19th
Thinking of going on holiday? The stars are
spelling out a blokes / girly weekend in
Bognor so pack up those pulling pants and
have a fab time!
Lucky tinned food : baked beans (what else
could you take on a camping trip to
Bognor?)
Pisces Feb 20th - Mar 20th
This is a confusing time for pisces. On one
hand you reeeally want to follow fashions
and take the advice of your friends but on
the other hand you really want to put that
poster of Daphne and Celeste up in your
kitchen.
Lucky tinned food : peaches in syrup
Aries Mar 21st - April 20th
A great week is in store for Aries. You just
can’t seem to get anything wrong. Just wait
until next week when it will all go Pete Tong!
Lucky tinned food : marrow fat peas.
9
Taurus April 21st - May 21st cheer up method I always find works well is
This is your week to be giving and loving to to sleep for 48 hours. By the time you awak-
others so..... give back everyone’s cutlery en all your problems will have passed.
that you stole from the kitchen and give that Lucky tinned food : carrots
girl you’ve had your eye on some sweet lov-
ing. Virgo Aug 24th - Sept 23rd
Lucky tinned food : cream of mushroom Be proud to be a virgo this week and wear
soup. all your clothes inside out. If anybody
notices tell them you have just come back
Gemini May 22nd - June 21st from a weekend in Paris and that is how all
You have reached your culinary peak this the supermodels are dressed.
week. Invite your neighbours round for tea Lucky tinned food : plum tomatoes.
and cook up some of that casserole you are
so famous for. (Just don’t tell them what’s in
it.)
Lucky tinned food : baked beans with HP
sauce.
Cancer June 22nd - July 23rd
Fresher’s flu really kicks in this week and
you will feel rough. Look on the bright side
though, you now have a valid excuse for that
late piece of coursework.
Lucky tinned food : alphabet spaghetti.
Leo July 24th - Aug 23rd
You are on an emotional low this week and
are in need of some major cheering up. A

Time For Action!

Escanna, Action Time, Mother Goose. G-MAS
Plantation Café, Guildford, 18/10/00
Escanna, a local band (well impress. There were a couple of
Dorking) are relatively new on the reasonable songs but not enough
It's About The Groove!
Good times, good vibes and quali-
gig circuit, tonight being only their to make a good set.
second or third gig, and the first for ty tunes spanning the whole galaxy
the new bassist. However they The last band, Mother Goose (pic- of dance music. You can bank on
these when G-MAS put a night
played a very tight set and I was tured) all the way from Finland,
more than a little surprised that was very different. They absolute- together. Formed last year, G-MAS
has already attracted a dedicated
they hadn’t played more gigs. The ly kicked ass! It is rather hard to
music can be described as melod- describe their style as it veers in a following, and the events they put
on show why.
ic and was almost totally guitar led, bizarre, yet strangely enchanting,
the ‘singer’ used his voice more as way between hard core punk, with
On Thursday night in Freshers
an accompaniment to the music the accompanying basic riffs and
than as a focus point. This is the thumping drums, to a more melod- week almost 300 people came
sort of band that we could soon be ic soft rock. They could almost be along to sample the sonic smor-
gasbord laid on in the Helyn Rose
hearing on John Peel’s Radio 1 described as stoner punk with a
show! mellow edge. Bar by G-MAS. They even man-
aged to fill the dance floor when
Action Time are a six piece who So, all in, not a bad night, Escanna they were competing with Chicane
last Friday.
dressed all in black with three could go far, Action Time, although
singers, the male singer seemed to already signed, should think about
The eclectic mixture of under-
be trying to be Jarvis Cocker, he dragging themselves into the now
had the moves down but certainly and Mother Goose just plain ground dance music is what G-
MAS believe sets them apart from crowd the range of music they Collins spins trip hop tunes for the
not the vocal talent. There sound rocked.
other societies. “Doing a night isn’t want to hear, otherwise we’d all get first hour. DJ Dilos and MC JJ get
was all rather five years ago and
just about playing the records you bored!” said G-MAS co-founder the place wiggling with powerful
they, on the whole, failed to Dan Driscal
want to play, it’s about giving the and DJ, Cazimir Nech. Adam Garage sounds. DJ Tripwire
brings the Breaks, Drum 'n' Bass
and then some more breaks. Old
Skool tuneage comes courtesy of
DJ Kaz and Mark Blee takes to the
decks, wielding a box full of excel-
lent Hard House records. This
diversity is unique to G-MAS and
although purists say it shouldn’t
work, G-MAS always seem to get
away with it.

The trademark variety and quality

of music on offer certainly pleased
those who got to witness it all,
many of whom have since
remarked that G-MAS was the best
event on offer during Fresher's
Week. If G-MAS nights are this
good at the start of the year, the
sky's the limit for them from now
on. The next G-MAS is on Thurday
2nd November, 9 ‘til 2 in the Helyn
Rose Bar.

Simon Deeble
10
Singles
MOJAVE 3 – Return To Sender (4AD)
No, not an Elvis cover, but this is along the
same lines, “I send a letter but I get no reply,
just a note – return to sender”. The third
track is a cover of Bob Dylan’s ‘Girl From
The North Country’, and the influence is
obvious on all songs on the single, particu-
larly the lead tune which even features a har-
monica along with essential acoustic guitar
and piano. But they do the style skilfully and
this single suggests new album ‘Excuses For
Travellers’ will be worth investing in. 8/10
A.W.
ONLY CHILD - I’ve got a Right
These guys impress me everytime with their
on the edge style. Here they’re coming in
with hip hop with a big hand from Kriminul
who hails from the home of hip hop, the one
and only South Bronx. This is my kind of
easy listening: futuristic funked up hip hop
for those with good taste. 8/10
ANJALI – Lazy Lagoon (Wiiija)
A talented vocalist and songwriter, Anjali will
surpass all your expectations with blissful
enraptured voyage into the deeper realms of
Album of the Week
GORKY’S ZYGOTIC MYNCI –
The Blue Trees (Mantra)
Gorky’s return only a year after
their last album release with an
8 track mini-LP of what they do
best – acoustic songs. These
tunes are beautiful, most with
just guitar and voice, although
three are entirely instrumental.
They all have a very summery
air to them particularly one of the
standout tracks ‘Fresher Than
The Sweetness In Water’, a
cover of a song by ‘The
Honeybus’. The track is reminiscent of the one sunny day at Reading where they played
in August. ‘Lady Fair’ is a gorgeous love song with lyrics like “What use is sun, when you
haven’t got love?” The mini-album really is mini at only 23 minutes long, but is perfectly
formed and even ends with the obligatory Welsh language song. Great. 9/10 A.W.
THE HELLACOPTERS – High Visibility
(Universal)
The press release for this Swedish 5 piece
claim they are ‘Defiantly original’, I would
have to disagree, they sound very much like
the older metal bands, such as Black
Sabbath and Iron Maiden. Not that there is
anything wrong with that, of course. The
overall sound is very good and is complete-
ly different from the glut of rap/metal bands
that are hogging the limelight at the
moment. An interesting album which brings
back memories of the good old days of
metal. 8/10 D.D.
ALABAMA 3 – La Peste (One Little
Indian)
This is a techno, gospel, country and acid
jazz all thrown in to an album that will make
your head spin. This is Underworld re-mix-
ing Dusty Springfield. This is madness.
Camus came up with the title first, but A3
gave it its true significance ‘La peste’ = The
plague in french. This is seriously addictive
stuff.
8/10 J.H
The Letter E - No 5ive Long Player (Tiger
Style)
The groove based sound played by this
band makes for a nice relaxing record,
excellent for chilling out to. No vocals at all,
which doesn’t detract from the sound, in fact
singing over the top of the music would spoil
Record Reviews
groove… 8/10 O.C
ONLY CHILD - I’ve got a Right
These guys impress me everytime with their
on the edge style. Here they’re coming in
with hip hop with a big hand from Kriminul
who hails from the home of hip hop, the one
and only South Bronx. This is my kind of
easy listening: futuristic funked up hip hop
for those with good taste. 8/10 C.H.
HONEYZ - Not Even Gonna Trip (Mercury)
The British soul trio declare (like many oth-
ers) how they’re so over that no good man.
A little too close to TLC for comfort (right
down to the haircuts) this is still a cool slice
of soulful sound. 7/10 A.T.
MORGAN – Sitting In The Sun (Source)
A slice of folky, lo-fi ska that will teleport you
to the streets of Rio in a happy daze… per-
fect now the weather is so dismal!! 7/10 O.C
ECHOBOY – Volume 2 (Mute)
Echoboy slakes our thirst for accessible but
quirky pop. He’s not bursting to sound like a
Tortoise side project, like many sell-out
bands are doing at the moment. Volume 2
succeeds by courting lip-gloss dalliances
with the avant-garde, while showing off a
prude and traditional edge to its tunes. 7/10
O.C
Fly Pan Am – Seditif en Frequences et
its effect. Not much more can be said real-
ly, other than I enjoyed the music and was
much more chilled at the end of it. 8/10 D.D.
REACT – 10 th Anniversary Album
“Former Glories & Future Classics
(React)
If you like dance music, you are in for a
treat… React have been at the vanguard of
dance music since the early nineties, and
have had 16 top 40 hits ever since. C.D 1 of
this collection features some of their earlier
stuff like The Source featuring Candi
Staton’s “You Got The Love” or The Age Of
Love’s “Age of Love” whilst the second part
is a collage of the sound React produce
today, like John ‘OO’ Fleming’s mind-blow-
ing “Free”. 8/10 O.C
REGULAR FRIES – War On Plastic Plants
(JBO)
The Regular Fries are more like a most
irregular experiment in musical schizophre-
nia — but in the best
possible way. Their music is self-described
“heavy mellow.” They are equal parts elec-
tronica and psychedelia, melding big beats
with searing guitars to create what can best
be described as unadulterated frenetic noise
of the most blissful variety.Enjoy! 7/10 J.H
JOI - We Are Three (Real World)
Tragic circumstances surround the return of
Joi and their second album ‘We Are Three’.
26/10/00
Single of the Week
SAMANTHA MUMBA - Body II
Body (Polydor)
Back with a sultry hip grinding
groove, Miss Mumba raids uncle
Bowie’s box of riffs (in this case,
‘Ashes To Ashes’) in a stunning
follow up to her debut, ‘Gotta Tell
You’. Will no doubt cause much
distress to teachers supervising
school discos across the country
as the kids get down and dirty.
9/10 A.T.
Sillons (Constellation) reason the track is just far too slow. It is also
This three song EP sounds rather like a bad far too long, 5 minutes of utter boredom. The
attempt at Pink Floyd. The actual instru- B sides are even slower and just as dull.
mental bits are quite good, but they are inter- Defiantly one to miss. 3/10 E.C.
spersed with long, seemingly pointless sam-
ples making the whole thing sound like a dull ZIPPER J – Success Ambition (Humbug
sound effects tape. Track 2 Recordings)
(Efferant/Afferant) would make good back- Just what the world needed, yet more remix-
ground music, but is really not something es of dull club music. Why do these people
which can be enjoyed at a normal volume. bother to make loads of variations of an
There are no vocals to attract or hold your already bad track? As usual there’s not too
attention which only make it all seem much much difference between the mixes unless
longer. 3/10 D.D. you want to listen to the same crap for 8 min-
utes rather than 4. Don’t encourage these
LUPINE HOWL - 125 (Beggars Banquet) people, boycott this rubbish. 1/10 E.C.
‘125’ is a slightly punky little number with
interesting scooping vocals, though for some
Joi was originally made up of brothers
Haroon and Farook Shamsher, tragically
Haroon died in July of last year. As prepara-
tion for this album Haroon had travelled to
Bangladesh to record local musicians, play-
ing traditional Bangladeshi music. Farook
Albums
took the traditional elements provided by his
bass to glimmers of soul… a pleasing
brother and pulled them together to create
album, but not one of their best releases.
an album that will appeal primarily, to fans of
6/10 O.C
eastern and electronic music. ‘Don’t Cha
Know That’ is the stand out track, a wonder-
TURN – Antisocial (Infectious Records)
fully funky example of what Joi do best.
After a slow start the first track turns into an
‘Triatma’ is equally good: big beats, flutes
and tabla all mixed up in wicked fashion. ok rock song, including thrashing guitars
and some shouty vocals. Unfortunately
The emphasis here is on instruments;
after this great beginning the rest of the
singing is kept to a minimum so as not to
album is a bit of a let down, getting slower,
interfere with the beautiful Bangladeshi
more acoustic and dull. There seems to be
sounds. 7/10 A.R.
a slight theme running through the CD.
‘These Three Words’ seems to be a very
NIGO – Apesounds (Mo Wax)
acoustic love song, the next track surpris-
This is an album of eclectic sounds to suit a
ingly picks up a bit, but still seems to be
broad range of musical tastes, and a plat-
form for a host of talent from the Tokyo another love song. ‘Gav and Anne’ is defi-
nitely a love song, and guess what the
scene. The album features collaborations
from artists such as K.U.D.O (Major penultimate track ‘Tired Love Song’ is
about’? I’m not too impressed with this Lp,
Force/Unkle collaborator), Money Mark,
there are a few ok tracks but nothing partic-
Shaun Lee (Wall of Sound), James Lavelle
ularly outstanding. 5/10 E.C.
and Jadell to name but a few… If this your
kind of scene, buy. If not, well…don’t. 6/10.
MADISON AVENUE - The Polyester
J.H
Embassy (VC)
It’s never a good sign for your follow up sin-
TIM HUTTON - Everything (Pias
gle to sound so uncannily similar to your
Recordings)
‘Everything’ by Tim Hutton has a very mel- debut that you have to draft in a couple of
DJs at the last minute to remix it into some-
low and folksy sound. It is not standard folk
thing a little less deja-vu inducing. Sure,
by any means though as he has incorporat-
‘Don’t Call Me Baby’, had the white stiletto
ed contrasting moods and clashing sounds.
girls up and down the country wiggling their
There are also abrasive beats and the
collective arses, as has the not so high
album is full of mournful melodies that fit the
charting follow up, ‘Who The Hell Are You’,
music well. The track ‘Eugene’, inspired by
but even these are fantastic with compared
the jazz player Eugene McDaniels is an out-
with the remainder of the lp. Pseudo-funk
standing track along with ‘Didn’t I Say’ and
‘Been a Fool’ which is about laughing at sits next to neu-lounge-core (there’s a new
term for the music journo dictionary), or sim-
yourself for being stupid. On first listen it
sounds a little depressing but it’s more ply filler before another kylie-does-it-better
disco workout. The sad truth is, did anyone
reflective and thoughtful. A good album,
expect this to get more than 4/10 A.T.
which is perfect for those chill-out times.
6/10 N.M
1-SPEED BIKE - Droopy Butt Begone!
(Southern)
BOTCHIT AND SCARPER- Botchit
Techno and hip-hop are the order of the day
Breakspeech (Botchit)
here. Aidan Girt, drummer with Godspeed
Botchit and Scarper’s 11 th release deals You Black Emperor and Exhaust has creat-
with vocals across the board, from spoken ed a debut album with a decidedly unrefined
word, rap to housey female soul vocals, sound. As you would imagine, drumming
bringing them all under the breaks context
features very strongly on this album. Big
with 95% of the album a dancefloor beats provide the substance of each track
130bpm. The sounds range as usual from
while techno, hip-hop, punk and house gen-
jungle influenced break beat to dirty sub-
26/10/00
res are all visited in sample form. It’s clear
from track one that Aidan Girt doesn’t care
what people think about either his political
views or the music he is creating. This is
reflected most obviously on ‘The day that
mauro ran over elwy yost’ finishing as it
does with a political rant recorded on an
answer phone. This really is very spe-
cialised music, quite unlike anything I’ve
heard before. Drummers may derive enjoy-
ment but I’m not sure anyone else will. 4/10
A.R.
TAILGUNNER – Tailgunner (No Label)
Mark Coyle, the guy behind this album
should have stuck to what he does best, i.e.
producing albums (he produced Oasis’
Definitely Maybe!), not releasing them him-
self! This record is supposedly influenced by
Pink Floyd, Neil Young and Led Zep… I
think they would all be embarrassed by
hearing this pile of tosh. Don’t bother with
this. 3/10 J.H
CHRIS MORRIS - Blue Jam (Warp
Records)
Record Reviews cont & Live Reviews
This album is a compilation of sketches
taken from the series ‘Chris Morris’ Blue
Jam’ broadcast on BBC Radio 1. It is per-
formed by British comedy actors against a
soundtrack of unformed ambience and easy
pop. It includes samples from tracks such as
‘Deep Blue Day’ by Brian Eno and ‘Go
Faster’ by the Propellerheads. I’m not real-
ly sure why anyone would want to listen to
this let alone buy it. I don’t think I have ever
heard or will ever hear anything quite so
awfully dire again. This is absolute
garbage!! 0/10 N.M
Locked on Unlocked - The True Sound of
Two Step (Muzik)
Two step is the sound of house featuring
Todd Edwards, Zed Bias, El Boy and
Monsta Boy amongst others and some of
this autumn’s best garage tunes.Safe tune
compiled fo Muzik magazine,mixed by Andy
Lewis who lives up to his reputation.
Rawkus2000 - V/A (Mixed by Shortee
Blitz)
Another killer cd from the one and only
11
Recommended
EVERCLEAR – Songs From An American Movie Pt 1-
Learning How To Smile (Capitol)
The forth album by the ever-clever trio plays like the sound-
track to frontman’s Art Alexakis youth. A throwback to the
melodic pop of the 60’s and 70’s, this concept album draws
its inspiration from musical icons such as Otis Redding (on a
string drenched ballad dedicated to him) and Van Morrison –
with a cover of his immortal song that has been covered by
so many… yep, you guessed, Brown Eyed Girl. This is a fine
return to form for the Oregon trio. 9/10 O.C
Rawkus. Featuring Mos Def, Talib Kweli
amogst others who have released albulms
This Week’s Reviews by
under Rawkus which are setting the pace for
original funky down to earth unglamorous
Andrew Thomas, Alex Reed, Nigel
Hip Hop.Again some superb scratching,but
Martin, Kevin Marston, Simon
what else to expect. The tune by Mad Skills
Robinson, Owen Hazelby, Ian
“Ghost Writer” is my favourite. Once again Id
Purvey, Denise Nicholson, James
recomend it for any hip hop enthusiast out
Hemmingway, Oliver Chamero,
there, and I hope you enjoy as much as I
Christian Hunter
have.

Explosive Action!
Mikabomb / Remote Control, Camden Monarch, 23/10/00
Goths, cyber kids, and wayward Chopped punk riffs with three ear
teens cram their way into the tiny splitting shouted vocals combine in
backroom as the first catatonic a pogo friendly rhythm. “Some
chord crashes out in a wall of dis- people say we are yellow, and I
tortion and hormones. Remote guess we are, this one is ‘Yellow
Control appear as a four piece Peril’”, calls lead vocalist Mika
glam punk band with Michael Stipe before two minutes of something
fronting in a cowboy hat. The rock approaching the particularly hard-
monoliths of much of their set drive core thrashes of early Beastie
home, usually with tongue firmly in Boys albums. Then it’s back to
cheek. Mid-set the lead guitarist business with the singles, ‘Heart
wanders to the front of stage to pull Attack’, and, ‘Super Sexy Razor
a full on Kiss-rock pose and twid- Happy Girls’, both simple punk
dles a solo straight out of the poo- statements on intent. How much
dle powered eighties’. A kick to further Mikabomb can go is uncer-
convention and, along with King tain, this kind of music usually fill-
Adora, possible leaders of a new ing toilet venues but rarely any-
neu-glam-metal movement. In the thing more grand. Still, simply for
main, Mikabomb are an (even) their enthusiasm and attitude they
trashier version of Shampoo, but deserve a chance even if they are
occasionally they slip into more occasionally a little aurally chal-
Remote Control
intense scream fuelled near-metal. lenged! Andrew Thomas

Glittertastic Punk
Pop Riot!
A bargain bucket assortment of
Venus In Furs / Ciccone @ Camden HQs, 17/10/2000

Venus In Furs
charity shop chic and toytown riffs,
Ciccone are a high velocity charge
of delirious pop punk intent. A
mangled guitar line, dizzy bass,
and a four to the floor combustable
drum beat. Boy/girl vocals squab-
ble for air whilst the keyboard play-
er sets off a sample then wanders
off stage and dances in the audi-
ence. ‘We Don’t Care’, cheerily dis-
misses a dying relationship whilst,
‘Cool Cool Kids’, implores
teenagers across the country to
drop their work and get hammered.
Expect them to get the blame next
time the Daily Mail finds another
“shocking” statistic on underage
drinking (what better publicity could
you ask for). If Ciccone are sweaty
snogs at the back of a crap night-
club then Venus In Furs are the band. Vocalist, Becky Stefani, is future, but it’s with current single,
total opposite, in need of a restau- much like Lauren Laverne, all cute ‘Carnival’, they exceed, swooping
rant and some good conversation smiles and wistful eyes, delivering keyboard lines and irrepressible
before even considering you. tales of teen romance whilst nod- optimism defining their role as
Venus In Furs are classy pop, ding to their inevitable stumblings. leaders in the anti-neu-metal back-
assuming of course that you con- Songs like, ‘Where’s My Limo’, are lash. Andrew Thomas
sidered Kenickie to be a classy more assertive to their destined
 Sunday Night Live
Presents...
The North
Mississippi All
Stars

Sunday November
12th

with support from

“Mo Solid Gold”

If ever there was an event not to miss, here it is,

direct from the US of A, the NMAS are set to take
Europe by storm.

“If you think white men can’t sing the blues, you
can’t have heard the North Mississippi All Stars”
The Guardian

“Clapton, Cooder, Big Star pianoman Jim

Dickinson’s sons give new life to old blues”
Q Magazine

“It’s their desire to leave every room they play

sweaty ‘n’ bourbon drenched, dancing and grin-
ning like goons - Mission well and truly accom-
plished”
NME

Miss this gig at your peril ...

14
RU
UNNN
NIIN
NGG
“Bang.”
The train meets the darkness of a twenty-
second tunnel and Francis is awoken, from
a forgotten daydream, to all the memories of
this once so regular routine. A hustle of
impatience stirs around him as these
unfledged students gather their bags, their
coats, and their books. In provision they
hold their packets of ten Marlborough lights,
anticipating the fresh air that lies ahead. At
once Francis finds himself doing the same;
apprehensive again, he watches the pass-
ing world slow to a recognisable pace.
The train slips to its adapted home and the
calm balance is broken by the inward and
outward waves of life. This is where he once
belonged.
Francis gets off behind two foreign students.
Chinese-American he thinks; one of them
reminds him of Mia. She is wearing a red
backpack, which bounces up and down in
accordance with each step of the bridge.
Francis follows the bag to the station gate.
No one is there to check his ticket, not like
before. Francis was only caught jumping the
train once. It was on his first day. This was
day when he was unaware, a day when he
was innocent.
He walks through the station and down the
steps of the subway. The big issue seller
would always stand here, ambushing pass-
ing students with a blackmail of guilt. Or the
hip politics of an urge to be cool, to be part
of Brighton, to be aware and worldly.
The steps to his left lead upward to the bus
stop. The bus stop represents an escape
from university. Bus’s come every five min-
utes and they provide a passage to the real
world. Francis, still, does not live in this
place.
Passed the bus stop is an alleyway. If you
have the right key then you can get into the
computer buildings via this path. They have
nothing to do with the university; this is
where Francis’ Dad used to work. During the
second year Francis would escape from the
bustle of life to sit alone in the car park there.
Sometimes he would get a ride home, if he
felt like it.
But Francis does not turn left, and therefore
these places no longer exist to him.
The subway is white. White with memory the
posters and paintings fade in to and out of
existence. Local art, graffiti, advertisements,
insults, proclamations: Unoriginal and deep.
It’s all the same.
But now they are just white.
The end of this particular road now illumi-
nates the whiteness. The gradient will steep-
en. The light at the end of the tunnel reflects
in Francis’ eyes, but immediately he focuses
on more approaching figures. The figures
are also white, and they too can be played
upon.
Francis remembers a time when he could be
played upon. He can go through incidents
when he was. Watching a generation below
him he sees himself once again.
“Yes, they are going through that world now,
and one day that was me.”
But Francis can still be played with because
he is untogether. If he were a ghost then this
would be the place that he would haunt until
he could find that answer. Consciously he
lights a cigarette while the figure’s brush
passed him. He is in the middle of them
A Short Story 26/10/00
IN
IN RE
EVVE
ERRS
SEE B Y C HRIS MORTON
when he takes that first inhale of the day.
Like them he looks busy. Faster this time, he
carries on walking. There should be less
daydreaming, he is here for a reason after
all.
A bus is slowing to his right. This is the
bringing to, the shipping of more cargo and
more colours. Students spew onto the path
ahead of him. They disperse towards and
away from him, he dodges their dispersal.
It is one occasion only, which is triggered by a stolen book. The metallic strip had been
this. This was the party on the seventh, the Francis could ask why, but instead replies easy to find, easy to pull off. A rare occasion
second year of study. He remembers being with a simple “No.” he supposes.
late for work, and he remembers leaving the
bus with those regrets of sleeping with He looks around at the life that has sudden- The hand-in-point is still the same. It was
someone who he should never have slept ly become aware to him: And of him. It just funny when Jenny had dropped all her text-
with. And with the nicotine rush to his head continues as though the things that follow books there, turned to look at her audience
he remembers the blinding sun that brought have no relevance to what is behind. Two in embarrassment, and tripped over the
the promise of more exams. He remembers girls now walk up to him and hand him fliers, boundary of posts.
her name and he remembers what she was which he takes.
like. Those small regrets that followed are And the photocopy machine where he had
less important to him now. “Vodka one pound a shot.” met Mark for the first time: “You’re on my
course aren’t you?”
Francis tries to speed up; he does not like to Francis pushes the cards into his pocket
have these people in front of him. They walk and quickly moves up the steps of the Upstairs, though, is now downstairs. There
too slowly. If he slows his pace then he is fol- library. Once at the top, he finishes his ciga- is now less of a distance to walk to the short-
lowing them, while if he speeds up then he rette and turns one more time to watch the loan. It is ironic that Francis now has further
is running away from them. He would rather swarms of individuals. He listens to a con- to walk; this time his needed information is
run away, he has always thought so. versation about smoking on the beach ‘till less of a commonalty.
the early hours of the morning.
The walkway to the music rooms moves Francis walks up the stairs, through the tow-
above and behind Francis. He can still hear Then he goes in, through the wrong door. ering bookshelves of the back, seldom
the familiar thud of drumbeats. Francis was breathed, areas of the library where he used
always the guitarist because that’s what he Already things have changed. The “Exit” to look up all those old books on psycholo-
wanted to be. He can remember forgetting now reads “Entrance.” The barriers are in a gy. Psychology was a recommended pass-
how to play, the nervousness of perform- different place. He remembers the time time. It was his escape from the revised for-
ance in front of others. when he walked through those barriers with mulas, duplicate diagrams, learnt tech
He stops now; stands and listens. There are
more posters to read here. Francis reads
the posters of old; he cannot help but per-
ceive everything for what it once was. They
advertise the gigs and events that he can
remember going to or not going to. A nearby
door leads to the old nightclub. This was a
place where his first was met. Was, because
is no longer has any relevance. No longer
any relevance because he has no wish to
re-enter this place.
A fashionable couple is standing against the
wall in front of him. A fashionable guy is
chatting up a fashionable girl. Fashions
don’t change here. They simply become
bolder.
Francis walks further on. He looks at the
strange building to the right and remembers
being too scared to be seen in there. He
wonders what the inside actually looks like.
He could find out if he wanted to, but it is
better not to spoil an intact memory.
Anything new would bring it all to the pres-
ent and he would rather keep things distant.
He is happy with that place of mystery.
Walking up to the square at the bottom of
the library, Francis feels that he is further
away from home. A lot of students here
seem indie. This was a rarity once.
A lot of them seem so young.
“Excuse me.”
And a lot of them are looking at him.
“A petition against genetically modified
food.”
“Sorry?”
The two mature’s swing into Francis’ view
and stare at him blankly. They are dressed
untidily, a feigned untidiness Francis thinks.
“Genetically modified food.”
26/10/00
continued from page 14
niques, and studied facts. Inevitably though,
pass-times were changed, and facts
became religion. It was the right choice for
Francis.
The neurology section is easily found.
“Over the years, and patients undergoing
both GABA and barbiturates, indeed, in
which nerve cell bodies are not established.
Very full scarlet appears, in much the same
way as in adult mammals, when the con-
traction is near its maximum. Larger and
larger effects of partial denervation, a crus-
tacean axon studied in autonomic ganglion
cells, compared with the wealth of more
than one transmitter. An obvious effect of
these interactions with the significant resting
permeability to other ions is that which trig-
gers a vibrissae, more than ever known. In
this way a self-feeling through the drugs with
a comparable to a second important group
of adhesion effects. Too safe crest cells with
tenascin that do not give impulses are deter-
mined whether such changes are a major
advantage of these techniques. This system
would, however, be relatively useless for
matching bedspreads, cushions, carpets,
and curtains in a boudoir.”
There is a mass of information to be taken
in. This is but the beginning and Francis is
not looking forward to the middle or the end.
Francis spends hours taking down informa-
tion. The person sitting next to him changes
every half-hour. On his way out he wonders
if he will be stopped by an official, or a joker,
to be told that he has won a thousand
pounds for being the library’s longest study-
ing customer of the day.
It is early evening when Francis exits the
library. Dusk sets on the university grounds
below him, which sets off the beauty of this
fairytale world. Part of that world, though, is
age.
Suddenly Francis does not want to leave.
Somehow he knows that he will never return
BA
ARRE
EFFIIC
CTTIIO
ONN
Fear and Loathing in
Las Vegas by
Hunter. S.
Thompson
Fear and Loathing
in Las Vegas is
one of the all-time
classics for the
alternative gener-
ation. When
reading this book
you are taken on a trip
through the surreal world that surrounds the
author’s interpretation of the mayhem that
his country throws his mind into, as he is
desperately failing to collect and compose
an article on a bike race that he is unable to
understand. The prose is brilliantly colourful,
the pace is faster than a speeding bullet. So
fast even, that quite often you are left trailing
behind the author as he speeds ahead in his
huge red Chevy convertible, avoiding
numerous drug-enhanced confrontations.
But what you don’t understand won’t scare
you and it doesn’t matter because at the end
of the day it is all about the trip, and anyway,
the American Dream is dissed with almost
every letter that Hunter S. Thompson puts
down.
“I felt dizzy. It was too much to absorb all at
once. From freedom, to prison, and then
back to freedom again – all in thirty seconds.
I staggered backwards and leaned on the
Barefiction
again, that this is his last chance to explore.
It should not be too hard, no one is there to
recognise him and he can move around
freely. He is simply an observer.
Francis could walk through the arts buildings
to his left. He could once again progress
those long shallow steps of the main hall. He
could search for the tearoom where he used
to meet Holly once a week for fruit tea and
carrot cake. He could find the familiar smok-
ing spot, remember the deeply depressing
discussions he would share with Nass and
Duncan. (There was something about ciga-
rettes that helped you say what was on your
mind).
But Francis heads down the main path
instead. As he walks past the old lecture
theatre he sees himself immersed in those
“after lecture gatherings.” Why did he not
appreciate these little things when they were
happening?
“This lecturer, that lecturer. These notes,
those notes, who got the notes? Who under-
stood the notes? Can I copy your notes?
What else have you got today? What are
you doing tonight? What did you do at the
weekend?”
A new bridge is over Francis now. On the
other side an amateur film crew awaits.
At least this is the view that he sees. They
possess a camera and sound device; they
point it in his direction as he walks past. A
girl with greasy hair and a bomber jacket
takes down notes. A tall man dressed in
black gives orders.
A group of trendy students are sitting out-
side the shop. There is a hazy look in their
eyes that Francis recognises. None of them
look at him as he enters the shop.
Once inside, Francis wonders what to buy. A
packet of crisps is cheap, something point-
less enough to have no effect on the day.
The isle of junk food brings more reminis-
cence. This was his oasis on those days of
missed dinners.
car, feeling the white folds of the canvas top
beneath my trembling hand. The clerk, still
smiling, was poking the telegram at me.”
Extremely hard to put down. Read it before
you die.
Generation X by
Douglas Coupland
There is something
extremely American
about this book, it’s
probably deliberate.
Actually it is not
intentional; this
book is extremely
contrived and the
morals are almost as
annoying as the last two and a half
minutes of an American sitcom. But the
thing is, the subject matter is so relevant to
attitudes of the post eighties (yuppie) gener-
ation, and the author is so intelligent and
passionate about his ethics, that this book is
worthy of the “classic” label that it has been
given. Three twenty-somethings are desper-
ately searching their minds for an answer to
that ultimate question of “how can I really
make the most of my life in this one chance
that I have been given.” The dead ends that
face them are originally portrayed with car-
toons, adverts, and meaningful stories
around the campfire.
There are no Doritos, so Francis has to set-
tle for one of the more expensive brands of
corn chips. It is not as if he cannot afford it
though: Some things have changed for the
better.
Usually he would recognise the person serv-
ing him. Often it was Angelica, or Tobias.
But most of the time it had been the girl in
the tight white shirt who always smiled at
him, but always smiled at everyone.
The shop is not enough for Francis and
once outside again he decides that he must
explore further. The East Slope pub is near-
by; he could go for one drink, just for old
time’s sake. He walks past the bank, where
he would always get money out before
those big nights out. Or more often it was for
those “just one drink at East Slope,” nights.
Those nights were always good.
Francis walks past the bus stop between the
bank and the pub. He sees a queue that
holds himself and his old group of friends.
They are huddled together to keep warm
and are talking about and anticipating the
night ahead.
The East Slope pub is ahead of him now.
Once again he sees the ghosts of his old
life.
The tables outside where they would sit in
the summer, the pool table that they used
too often, the steps that were so easy to trip
over, the pride of place seating that enabled
the best view of the football screen, the table
in the corner where their band meetings
were held, the video games, the jukebox…
Francis orders a Fosters, which he remem-
bers as the average “cheap drink” of this
university. Someone once told him that stu-
dent beer was out of date working class
beer, and he believed them of course,
because of the taste. The Fosters is more
expensive than Francis recollects and he
puts this down to inflation.
On the odd occasion that Francis would
Douglas Coupland is a little too caught up in
his own ego, the characters are a little too
boring, and the definitions are a little too
confusing. But all the building blocks of
weirdness make Generation X a cut above
all the other books to tackle this subject.
Roller Coaster by Chris Allen
Roller Coaster is a short novel about the
teenage world of soft drugs, pubs, clubs,
gigs, supermarket jobs, festivals, college,
angst, pregnancy, depression, and
romance. It is set against the backdrop of
the Britpop scene of 1996. The story is that
of the main character Ellyott Chambers
whose best friend Colin has committed sui-
cide and tells of his troubles to come to
terms with this. The reality of Ellyott’s situa-
tion is not revealed until near the end of the
book, the distractions (of going out and get-
ting wasted) for Ellyott are the distractions
for the reader. There are around 30 charac-
ters; the scenes do not unrealistically only
include the main group. The book tells
things the way it is in a street-talk prose,
although some sections and chapters are
written in a literary style. The main theme is
to do with having nothing to look back on in
life and nothing to look forward to, although
there are many themes, mainly to do with
being around that age of seventeen, that are
explored.
15
drink alone in this pub, he would always
have something to read, more than often it
was an NME. This way he would look busy
and at the same time he would look cool. On
this occasion however he has no need for
distractions. There is too much to stare at,
and no one to stare at him.
The three lads by the pool table, the two
girls sitting on the steps, the four mature’s
discussing things that are far too intelligent
for the ears of the apprentice junkie smoking
in the corner, or the ex-student sitting at the
bar with his pint and packet of corn chips.
Francis finishes quickly; he has seen
enough he thinks.
On his way out though Francis decides to
take one last look at his old halls of resi-
dence across the road from the pub. On the
surrounding lawns his old friends sprawl in
the sunshine of summer term.
Once outside the building, however, Francis
already finds that he cannot go in. He lacks
both the keys and the willpower. This is not
something that he expected.
Confusion sets in on Francis’ mind and an
urge to leave takes him in another direction.
Walking back now he wades through a con-
current absorption of the days of old. All that
he has really found is the source of his
weakness.
Walking past the old Biology building, this
weakness turns to fear. There is too much
going on there, someone may recognise
him. Someone may interact with him.
He could disguise himself as a passive
observer, but he would still know. He could
go for a coffee. He could bump into an old
friend. He could compare notes with his old
tutor, who most certainly would still be there,
in that over-cluttered cupboard of a room.
But as Francis turns to the building he sees
himself once again and it is too much for him
to handle.
Seahorses by Bidisha
Famous for beginning
her writing career at
the tender age of 16
(included writing for
NME), Bidisha was
given the chance to
produce something
of great speciality
in her first novel.
Those intellectu-
als, they hailed their newly
found artist. The alternative culture scene,
that had given her her first break, eagerly
awaited the words of the new generation.
But instead of writing a really cool book,
Bidisha decided to write something clever,
something really deep and artistic.
Something powerful. Somethingdepressing.
Something nasty. Something with meaning.
Seahorses is the story of the stale lives and
the relationships between a musician, a
composer, and a teenage school-girl. An
interesting read for lovers of alternative fic-
tion. It’s just that, sometimes what you write
is more important than the way you write it,
and the complex prose skirts around that
certain something inside that every good
book needs.
16
Director: Todd Philips
Length: 1hr 34 mins
Roadtrip’s main theme begins
when Josh (Breckin) Mayer gets
his best friend to post a video he
has made for his long-term girl-
friend & childhood sweetheart.
However, surprise, surprise his
best friend sends the wrong tape
- in fact he sends a tape of Josh having sex with another
fresher! Hence what follows is Josh & friends travelling
2000 miles from their New York University to the University
of Texas where Josh’s girlfriend is studying, to intercept
the package.
Naturally, Josh & friends possess neither enough money
for a flight nor a car. To solve this conundrum Josh invites
stereotyped geek, Kyle, who conveniently posses a credit
card and a car. Here begins the formation of a ‘gang’ a
concept common to many a teenage film, notably Porky’s
& American Pie. Rest assured, no cliché is left unturned as
the characters fall into clearly identifiable character types -
there’s the clever moody Physics student, the outgoing
party animal, the hairy weirdo & of course Josh – the nor-
mal one with a girlfriend.
The premise of a long road journey always gives the
scriptwriters plenty of opportunities to introduce new char-
acters and plot twists along the way. Roadtrip is no excep-
tion with Josh & Co faced with a missing section in the
road, which they decide to jump…
Roadtrip has a some very amusing and often distasteful
lines (depending on your point of view) including: ‘Well I’ve
had sex before – but not with a person!’, and a forensic
scientist at the scene of car wreckage, ‘No sign of a strug-
Coyote Ugly (12)
Duration: 121 minutes
Director: David McNally
Based on a 1993 GQ magazine article, Coyote Ugly is
about dreams and going after them, no matter what.
Our hero, Violet (Piper Perabo) is a small town quiet girl
who dreams of becoming a big star in the big city, New
York. She wants to do what her mother couldn’t, be a suc-
cessful songwriter, only one problem, she has stage-fright
so bad that she can not even manage a note when faced
with any audience.
After arriving in New York Violet finds a dingy apartment
and a job in a downtown bar called Coyote Ugly, where
she is renamed ‘Jersey’, after the area she used to live in.
Coyote Ugly is no ordinary bar, though, behind it are an all
female staff who spend most of their time dancing on the
bar and keeping at bay the plethora of marauding patrons,
often with a water jet. Here Jersey learns to come out of
her shell, with the help of Kevin (Adam Garcia), an
Australian who has more jobs a week that hot dinners.
What then follows is a standard love story, nothing compli-
OFU 26/10/00
gle, no blood, nor clothes and we haven’t found a drop of
semen yet!’. In keeping with Roadtrip’s humour and style
In Which Most Things
there is a shower scene with full frontal nudity & a demon- Don’t Work Out
stration of a vibrator. However, neither of these scenes can
quite match the infamous scene in American Pie where a Writhing like shrimps beneath the wheels of a disgustingly old
home made pie is ‘mounted’. woman’sshopping basket, here come this week’s set of films
at OFU and University Arts Cinema!
The film has a couple of interesting subplots – such as
Barry (Tom Green) attempting to feed Josh’s pet snake First up (this Sunday), is `Halloween H20`, starring Jamie Lee
with mice with mixed results. There is also a Ku Klux Klan Curtis. Following on from John Carpenter’s original shocker
joke of debatable taste, when a black student finds a KKK (which was one of Curtis’ first starring roles over twenty years
mask in Kyle’s luggage. ago), here we see the ultimate Annoying Little Brother, serial
murderer Michael Myers, rise once again to terrorise the
Roadtrip is a very funny film to see with a group of friends unfortunate Curtis. With a big shiny knife: the mark of a true
but its course pro, naturally.
humour will not
be to everyone’s For those unfamiliar with the general SP on this film, it goes
taste, so if a like this: Michael Myers is the original enfant terrible.
sophisticated Incarcerated in a psychiatric institution at the age of six after
film takes your stabbing his sister to death on Halloween night, he escaped
fancy I’d advise as a young man to return to the scene of his crimes. Where
you to spend he summarily butchered his way through Laurie Strode’s
your student (Curtis) babysitting friends, until he worked his way through to
loan elsewhere. her...
Tom Sugarman Twenty years after that disastrous night, Laurie Strode, now a
headmistress at a private school of which her 17-year-old son
is a member, and now *also* under an assumed name, has
slowly rebuilt her life. However, she still fears that crazy
Michael will return and try to do for her again...
With a treatment by the man behind the Scream series, Kevin
Williamson, it comes as no surprise to see that Halloween
H20 is a surefire success as a scary popcorn movie. There’s
lots of cackles, lots of schlock, and lots of gropes to be had
while you pretend to be trying to comfort your date.
Monday night sees our screening of an all-time classic thriller,
Luc Besson’s `Nikita`. One of the most innovative features of
cated, no twists just pure old fashioned romance. the last ten years (just), this film was instrumental in Besson -
who later went on to make `The Fifth Element` and `Leon` -
It must be a sign that I am getting soft in my old age, but I establishing a reputation as a force to be reckoned with in cin-
have been to see a ‘chick flick’ and enjoyed it. The first half ema. The film also gained itself an enviable reputation, as a
an hour was a tad bor- French-subtitled film that transcended the usual restricted
ing, but it does get bet- fandom afforded such features by the international audience.
ter, noticeably when In
Violet starts work at the particular, American filmmakers seized the rights, and pro-
bar, and is overall rea- ceeded to turn out not only the usual dismal remake (`The
sonably entertaining. Assassin`, with Bridget Fonda in the title role), but also an
I’ve seen better this equally dire TV series, probably on a television set tuned to
year, and seen worse Channel 5 right now.
(Shaft springing to
mind in the latter cate- The sole survivor of a gun battle when her gang is trapped by
gory), if you like an armed police unit, Nikita (played perfectly by the stunning
romance films then go, Anne Parillaud) is unexpectedly spirited away by the security
if not you will probably services. Far from being summarily executed, however, she
find better on at the finds herself being trained as a top secret assassin and secret
moment. agent.
5/10 Her adventures and her resulting struggle to come to terms
with her new life take up the rest of the film, and she becomes
by Luke Hickey. increasingly ensnared in the machinations of the State...
A breathtaking thriller with a soundtrack that’s pure genius,
there really isn’t much of an excuse for not having seen
`Nikita` by now! Jean Reno’s eyeball-bulging performance as
the hopelessly deranged `Cleaner`, Victor, is just one of the
many highlights of this film.
Moving on to Wednesday, University Arts Cinema gives us all
the chance to kick back and breathe a family-size sigh of relief
after all that adrenalin has finally been flushed from our blood-
streams. `Great Expectations` is the audacious modernization
of Charles Dickens’ classic novel, starring the underrated
Ethan Hawke as hapless and forlorn artist, Finnegan Bell.
Even in maturity, Finnegan remains heartbroken and
anguished by his memories of the lovely but haughty Estella
(Gwyneth Paltrow), who has spurned his advances again and
again, and has now disappeared from his life entirely.
Director Alfonso Cuaron takes visual flights of fancy to the
level of magic realism in this lurid and curious production.
Worth seeing almost for curio value alone, this feature
remains oddly compelling even if you find the art direction
unappealing. A classic romance framed in an unfamiliar and
somewhat alien light, `Great Expectations` is a genuinely
weird and almost unsettling film. A long scene where Paltrow
poses in the nude for Finn forms the centrepiece of the film,
but the atmosphere of it goes beyond sensual, into positively
haunting. Deeply odd, and recommended on such grounds.
Gwendoline Ottoman-Empire (retired).
26/10/00
A taste of Guildford
SO you fancy a curry? Where do you
go? Well, in Guildford there are two
main choices: The Bombay Spice (self-
proclaimed ‘High Class Indian
Restaurant’) or The Shahee Mahal.
The Bombay Spice is the closer of the
two restaurants, located in the campus
end of town by The George Abbot, thus
considerably less far to stumble back to
campus. The food quality here is very
good, curries coming up neither too
greasy or too dry, and the portions are
fairly large, however the prices do match
this, expect to pay about a fiver for one
curry. The drinks are about average for
a restaurant, and probably cheaper than
certain bars in town. The service was
average, we did have to ask a few times
Or what about a monogolian?
The Mongolian Restaurant, Godalming.
This eating establishment is situated in
Wharf Road, Godalming - just a short
walk from Godalming station, a mere ten
minute and £2.20 return train journey
from Guildford. This restaurant spe-
cialises in the traditional Mongolian bar-
becue, where you choose your own raw
ingredients, and give your choice to one
And finally a chinese masterchef...
Chinese cuisine has always been huge-
ly important in Ken Hom's life.
"Comforting, pervasive aromas and
delightful tastes were part of everyday
life," he explains. "My mother was a
superlative cook, and our home was
always filled with the smells of the sea-
sonings, spices and sauces that charac-
terise Cantonese cooking."
Born in Arizona, he moved to Chicago
as a child and by the age of 11 was
working as an apprentice in his uncle's
restaurant, peeling pounds of prawns
and cleaning mountains of snails.
Later he won a scholarship to study art
history and photography at university,
and during his year out he went to the
South of France, where his love of cook-
ing really took hold.
On returning, Ken started teaching
cookery classes from home. The class-
es became so popular that it wasn't long
before he was signed up to write his first
book, which was followed in 1984 by
Ken Hom's Chinese Cookery, the televi-
sion series and accompanying book that
brought him to the attention of a wider
public. The rest, as they say, is history.
Now, with dozens of books - published in
several languages - behind him, televi-
sion programmes, restaurants, plus his
own range of woks and accessories,
Ken Hom is acknowledged by food-
lovers and critics alike as an authority on
healthy, delicious and authentic Chinese
cuisine, and is a sought-after food and
Watch Out Phase 2 of the
barefacts pub crawl in next
weeks edition
Websites & Food Reviews
before ordered drinks appeared.
Overall, though it is quite a high class
restaurant, with diners who expect to
have a pleasant peaceful meal, so per-
haps a place to avoid after your pub
crawl. One last thing, book, it is usually
very busy, which must be a good thing.
The Shahee Mahal is situated at the top
of town, just round the corner from
Cindies. It is cheaper that the Bombay
Spice, expect to pay about œ4:50 for a
curry (there is also a 10% student dis-
count on Mondays), but the portions are
noticeably smaller and or a lower quali-
ty than the Bombay Spice. The drinks
are also fairly average for a restaurant.
The main thing in Shahee Mahal’s
favour, though, is that they will cater for
of the chefs standing round their large
hot plate whilst you watch it sizzle away.
You can return as many times as you
like, trying different combinations each
time. If you have a large appetite, the
£10.95 charge for all you can eat is
great value. The beverages are reason-
ably priced for a restaurant - £10 for a 4
pint jug, and £8.75 for house wine.
They cater well for large groups, (we
were about 50 hockey players dressed
in fetish, and yes, we know it was a
restaurant consultant throughout the
world.
His most recent project has been the
launch of the sophisticated and yet rea-
sonably-priced Yellow River Cafis in
London, with more branches planned to
open in the near-future.
Aside from his extraordinary talent for
cooking, much of Ken Hom's success
must be due to the fact that, with charm
and charisma, he has managed to
demystify the art of Chinese cuisine for
a Western audience. In fact, he has
been so influential that ten per cent of
British homes now own a Ken Hom wok.
"I dream of food. I wallow in it," he says.
His enthusiasm is obviously catching.
A Woking Good Time
By Ken Hom BBC Worldwide (£15)
In the first of two serialisations from Ken
Hom's new cookbook, Foolproof
Chinese Cookery, we concentrate on
preparing a simple Chinese meal.
When you prepare your first completely
Chinese meal, choose just two or three
dishes and serve them with some plain
steamed rice. Never select dishes that
all need stir-frying or you will have a
traumatic time in the kitchen trying to get
everything ready at once and will arrive
at the table hot and flustered.
Choose instead one braised dish, a cold
dish, or something that can be prepared
ahead of time then warmed through, and
limit your stir-frying to just one dish. This
means not only will you gain the confi-
large groups of people, in fact they love
them, so much so that if you are unfor-
tunate enough to be in a small group
while a large party is there you can
expect to be largely forgotten about and
to wait longer for your food than usual.
On my visit they also, rather worringly,
ran out of draught bitter early on in the
evening. Again, book in advance for
tables, as the restaurant is small, one
group of twenty or so and another of a
dozen can pretty much fill the area.
So if you’re going for quality of food and
a peaceful quiet meal, go to the Bombay
Spice, if not the Shahee Mahal is for
you.
By Luke Hickey.
week early) the service was fairly good
for the number of us, although there was
some delay in the drinks arriving (but
could that be because Harvey was
there?) and despite some English com-
munication problems, a great night was
enjoyed by all. Although there is one
question: are frozen sweetcorn and
peas traditionally a Mongolian speciali-
ty?
by Caroline Thorpe
dence needed to try more ambitious
recipes but also your meal will be all the
more authentic for embracing a variety
of techniques.
Remember that the art of Chinese cook-
ing lies in achieving a harmonious blend
of colour, texture, aroma and flavour.
This involves using a range of cooking
methods.
A fish may be steamed, a meal braised,
while the vegetables may be stir-fried. A
meal will also be designed so that each
dish is different and yet they all comple-
ment each other.
One dish will be spicy and another mild;
one may be chewy, another crisp. The
total effect should appeal to all the sens-
es. All the dishes should be placed in
the centre of the table to be shared
between the diners, who help them-
selves and each other to a little of this
and then a little of that.
For the Chinese, eating is a communal
experience, and a shared meal is
regarded as the visible manifestation of
the harmony that should exist between
family and friends.
Following Ken's recommendations our
Chinese supper consists of:
· Crispy Seaweed
· Stir-fried Beef with Oyster
Sauce
· Perfect Steamed Rice
Extract taken from Foolproof Chinese
Cookery by Ken Hom.
by James Buller
17
Website Reviews
Here it is, hopefully to coincide with EVERYONE get-
ting dressed up for the Union’s only Fetish night a
year...the world of fetish on the internet.
http://www.expectations.co.uk This a good site with
lots to look at and to do, information and links as well
as chat rooms and forums, and it’s all well laid out
too...the online shop has some interesting stuff and if
you want to order any-
thing and see where it is
they have an online
order tracking system
that will help you check if
it’s near your door
yet...9/10
http://www.castlerealm.com This is another great
info site and a good way to look at some of what goes
on in the fetish lifestyle, I like the way they have split
things into the world of
the Dominant and sub-
missive, for some of you
out there even this
much information will be
too much, in which case
don’t go look. 9/10
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk Everything for the
beginner to the already converted, not always a great
layout but the sheer amount of info brings the site up,
full of links and reviews
on things like good
books on the subject of
fetish and BDSM, a
good way to find out
more and begin to look
around the web, join
email groups etc. 8/10
http://www.preachingtotheperv.com If you liked the
film Preaching to the Perverted you’ll love this site, it’s
an official website for
the film and you can get
the sound track from
here, go ahead take a
peek. If you haven’t
seen the film maybe
this’ll get you interest-
ed. 8/10
http://www.lff.nixnet.com
The site of the London
Fetish Fair, this isn’t
always well updated but
it’s still worth a look.
7/10
Only the five sites??? Well there’s just SO much out
there, but to prove fetish isn’t just one thing...
http://www.true-glamour.co.uk A site about slip and
lingerie fetish, and no doubt a surprise to many peo-
ple out there but there’s no rubber or leather allowed!
http://public.diversity.org.uk/soccer/kit/index.html Not
a good site but if you like guys in soccer kit that’s a
fetish!
http://www.foot-fetish.co.uk Can’t you tell??? It’s
about feet!!! There seems to be a lot here but you
may need to be a member to get to parts of the
site...can’t tell you much about those parts, I’m not a
member.
26/10/00
Big Sister
Welcome to yet another edition of hot
gossip from the hottest chicks in the
union!
Well, well, well you naughty
boys…..dressing up as girls, showing us
those boobs and best of all what was
underneath those skirts. Hope that
granny didn’t mind you stealing her
clothes for the night. The worrying thing
was the fact that you all seemed to be
enjoying yourselves so much and it
wasn’t even drag night so what made
you do it. Fed up with your own sticks,
hockey boys?
And if you missed out on the ski club
crawl you missed out on some ice cold
madness, you put the ice cubes
WHERE?? No wonder you got to know
each other so quickly!!
Good to see Tiny back on form, despite
his diminutive name, it would appear he
was more than enough for Naughty
Nurse 2.
And GO BUNSEN, GO BUNSEN! Nice
to see you ‘lighting up’ one of our inter-
mediates, yes, yes, we have all heard
Who’s Been Caught This Week on
on camera
camera
If you have any photos you wish to send into barefacts then
please send them to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk or pop them into the
office in the Students’ Union
Personals
www.chipsanalretention.com
USSU Fireball
Wassup Chop!
Big up the Pads, the Ads and the Rue
Rue Rue
Beware the cellar animal, he wields the
nuggets of justice
We may be bad(sniff), but we
feel(pause) gooood
Gossip, Sex & The Universe
the groans!! Beaker lost out big time
apparently.
Big Sister received its first fan mail, and
what an honour from the ‘Stud of the
Union’ himself. Diran, with a request for
a woman, not the older woman of your
dreams, but a sexy nubile 18 or 19 year
old. We’re just the type of big sister you
are looking for, and we thought it was
the men of this university failing us. So
girls if you want this mans hot bod and
the description of it was in last weeks
Big Sister article, then send us an email
to the usual address. There’s nothing
like a good old blind date.
Did you see the girlies snogging in the
union on Friday night?....See I am sure
its the men, are they really putting you
off that much that you have to snog
each other. Though a request from one
particular bloke for less tongue action
and more pelvic action could get you in
trouble, so not in the union please!!
A poster seen on someone’s room last
week had a declaration that they loved
the Spice Girls. Mark, you may have
been a closet spicer till now but I’m sure
A trip to Rossyland again, USSU
Warrior?
Three times lucky! But you’ll never get
hold of The Speedo Man girlfriend!!!
With love from the one with the pink
streaks, the one with the live rodent
and the one with the attitude!!
Yeah, of course I’ve got my ticket
Hannah! I hear they’re selling quickly
though, so you better buy yours soon!
Hey Dave, Have you bought your
Charity Dinner Dance ticket yet??
your mates will love you all the same.
Lots of breakage’s have been going on
this week and we have a message from
the Rugby Captains girlfriend….please
don’t break anything else whilst climbing
out of the bath….I do need you for
something!!! Vibrators are great but not
as good as the real thing!
Cath Court, 1A, level 3 is where you
will apparently find the snog-a-thon
guys. Are you both enjoying tickling
each others tongues in front of the
parents and sharing showers…oh
la la!
Stag Hill has been seeing some
whip action flying around. Who was
the girl chasing the boys around the
kitchen on Friday night? Apparently
the whip fell apart from the beatings
but don’t worry, we’re sure she’ll
make some more of them to whip
up your fantasies.
That’s all for this week but don’t for-
get, we’re watching you!
Tinks and Winks
Sheep boy, please deflate Dolly and
keep the noises down!!
Anthos:RAAAAAUUUUUUUF……
Rauf: what?
Lou: whats this a personal message...
yeah thats exactly what is John
Hannah: hello... polo
Scott; You the money man, You the
Money!
19
LIFE
AFTER
THE
WOMB
I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what all the fuss is
about. Britney bloody Spears. Truth is, she pisses me
right royally off: it would appear that no matter where
you go, what you do, or who you speak to, all you ever
come across is this bloomin’ american girl that every
man would love to romance (as opposed to many other
things - thought I’d be respectable, you see) and every
girl would like to, well, I’m not sure, but they might want
to do something to her -we’ll leave that to your imagi-
nation.
My main problem with her (‘main’, in that I have many
problems with her) is something that everyone else
seems to have missed, or at least is ignoring, just so
they can carry on adoring her: as far as I can see,
Britney Spears has got a lazy eye.
It’s true - look closely at her right eye next time you see
a picture of her - there is definately a case of “look at
me when I’m talking to you” going on, and this bugs me.
I’m not sure why it bugs me, it’s just one of those things
I suppose, but bug me it does, and so, because I can,
I’m moaning about it to you, the ever-present reader.
What is it about her that is soooooo wonderful? I mean,
let’s look at the facts: she’s american, which in any
english person’s book, isn’t a good start: american
usually means fat, loud and offensive, so why would
that be attractive? Secondly (and possibly most impor-
tantly for all men, apparently) she’s a virgin. Well, she
claims she’s a virgin. So what’s so good about that? I
don’t really want to go into the details of it (oh no, my
column is a respectable source of entertainment and
enlightenment - at no point would I ever go so low as to
talk about sex or other silly topics, such as monkeys or
underwear) and so again, I’ll leave that to the imagina-
tion, but as far as I can see (and believe me, I’m no
expert) that can’t be a good thing...so may be this could
be a rather good example of men not quite thinking with
their heads, but rather thinking with another, probably
smaller, part of their anatomy. (we’re such simple crea-
tures).
And the final point on her, which i suppose I’d better
mention because that’s what she’s famous for, is her
bloody awful excuse for shitting music: please - can
anyone actually hold their hands up (orkind of nod if
their hands aren’t available {chaps}) and tell me that
they like her music, because if they do, I’m perfectly
willing to go around to their house, and shoot them.
That is, after all, what they deserve. Again, let us just
look at what it is she has contributed to our delicate lit-
tle lives over the past 18 months: poppy, jumpy, boun-
cy tripe. Music that can at best be described as mind-
numbingly populist, dust-bin wielding, hold-on-to-your-
pants-because-you’ll-lose-all-your-senses, give-me-a-
hose-pipe-up-my-arse-because-that’s-more-fun-and-
maybe-give-me-a-malaria-jab-‘cus-I’m-off-to-some-far-
off-country-to-get-away-from-her-and-while-you’re-
there-subject-me-to-a-local-ritual-involving-the-loss-of-
my-toe-nails type wank - in short, complete and utter
pants, and not even the attractive kind of pants that
you’ll find in my wardrobe.
I suppose she serves some sort of purpose, but I’m not
quite sure what that purpose may be....perhaps she is
secretly employed by kleenex tissues to help boost
their sales, or maybe she’s been assigned by the mid-
dle-eastern dictatorships to run around europe and the
rest of the world to illustrate just how awful the ameri-
cans are, giving them some sort of justification in want-
ing to blow everyone up, as well as the americans. (I
say do it - what have they got to lose).
But as I see it, she’s simply being a bit of a tart: pranc-
ing around in micro-mini hot pants and telling everyone
that she was ‘born to make them happy’ whilst at the
same time protesting her virginal innocence seems a
little bit silly to me, and the sooner everyone else sees
this, as well as her gammy eye, the better.
“hit me baby one more time”. Indeed. Any chance we
could make that fifty more times, love? by Rich W
20 Lifestyle 26/10/00

Dr Russ
Dear Russ
A friend told me about a really diffi-
cult question which she was asked
during an interview. How is it best to
answer these?
Dear Lisa
The very first question I was asked in my first
ever job interview was “Tell me, Mr Clark,
what prompted you to apply to our company?”
This wasn’t really a difficult question. The
trouble was, I hadn’t prepared for it, so it was
ten times more difficult than it appeared. As a
result, I simply panicked. What could I possi-
bly say - surely the truth is the best thing in
emergencies I told myself. “Well, you phar-
maceutical firms are all the same so I just
stuck a pin in it”.
My intense relief at being able to blurt out the
semblance of an answer was
matched by the look of abject
horror on the interviewer’s face.
She got rid of me as soon as
she could and I was left licking
my wounds.
What could I have said? How
about - “I’ve applied to you
because I believe your compa-
ny could make the best use of
my abilities”, or what about “I
read about the kind of work you
require graduates to do and I
must say it all sounds extremely
interesting”. Those answers
may sound naff but at least
they’re positive.
That particular question is one
which you are almost certain to
be asked during the interview.
The best way to deal with it is to
plan your answer in advance.
In fact, it’s a good idea to make
a list of all of the questions
which you think they’ll ask and
consider how you would reply.
However, if you do get a ques-
tion which you are not expect-
ing, could I suggest you try the
Cindy’s Minibus
Every Monday Night
Leaving Chancellors between 10pm –11.30pm
Pick up from Cindie’s between 1.15am –2.30am
Hazel Farm
Every Wednesday and Friday Night
Pick Up at Hazel Farm Bus stop (University) 1.45am –2.45am
following. First of all it’s very important to
keep calm. Don’t worry about pausing before
you answer. Ask yourself what exactly they’re
trying to get at. They almost certainly want to
find out something about you which will show
them whether you can do the job. Frame your
answer in such a way that it says something
positive and relevant about you. It doesn’t
have to be earth-shattering - just confident,
honest and to the point.
By the way, if you really can’t answer a ques-
tion, why not ask if you can come back to it
later. It shows you’ve got the confidence to
ask and it gives the old grey matter a chance
to mull over the question in the meantime.
They might even forget they asked the ques-
tion in the first place - but don’t bank on it!
Russ Clark
Careers Service
ARE YOU HAPPY PAYING TUITION
FEES?
THIS COULD BE YOUR LAST CHANCE
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT…
On Wednesday November 15 th, Students
across the nation have the opportunity to
unite with NUS to take part in the Grants
not Fees event in order to show the nation
just how committed us poor students are
to the abolition of Tuition Fees, and this is
our chance to do it with one huge impact
of a united voice.
Some of you may well remember the
march for education last year where
1,000’s of students marched across
London and threw 100’s of rubber ducks
into the Thames. Everyone that went had
a wicked time last year and this year the
turn out could be even better, particularly
as it is a crucial time as the parliamentary
elections approach. The Grants not Fees
event will begin at 11.00 am on 15th
November in Malet Street in London. From
here everyone will then march together to
Kennington Park where London Mayor
Ken Livingstone, NUS National President
Owain James and others will address the
rally. An added bonus this year to end the
day in a more celebratory style, there will
be a special concert for all the students
participating held at Brixton Academy fea-
turing Roni Size/Reprazent, The Artful
Dodger, The Freestylers and Manchild.
We are also trying to organise for special
t-shirts to be made so you might even be
able to take a memento of the day – it
could make history after all!
Without action to eliminate unequal
access to higher education, higher educa-
tion may once again become the almost
exclusive preserve of the wealthy. The
recent Cubie Inquiry into student funding
in Scotland highlighted many of the defi-
ciencies of the UK system and radically
altered the policy of the Scottish
Executive. Scottish students are now eligi-
ble for income-contingent maintenance
allowances and are
exempt from upfront
tuition fee payments.
NUS is calling for this
system to be extend-
ed to all students
throughout the UK,
just as the campaign-
ing worked in
Scotland, with
enough support it can
work here in the UK
too.
purely academic criteria.
Protection against the threat of differ-
ential or top-up fees so that the quality of
a student’s education is not determined by
an ability to pay and that higher education
is not divided by the creation of an expen-
sive elite.
NUS have organised this and are cam-
paigning hard on behalf of every student,
so lets show them that surrey students are
with them 100%.
Months of planning have gone into making
sure this Grants not Fees event will not
only make a huge impact but also that you
will all enjoy it. If you support the cause
(i.e. you are not happy about the likely
possibility of leaving uni in a ridiculous
amount of debt) then use your voice and
sign up in the union reception to join this
event (or email me on s.westwell@sur-
rey.ac.uk - free transport will be of course
be provided from campus to and from the
event. We do realise that it may clash with
some of your lectures but please be
assure that all university staff will be
informed that students may wish to attend
this and that all Trade Unions are support-
ing this event so it should not be a problem
for them to let you go.
Tickets for the after party concert (Artful
Dodger, Freestylers, Manchild, Roni Size
etc.!) do have to be bought in advance.
You can still just come along to the rally
and march for free, it is not obligatory that
you go the after party as tickets for this do
cost – but all those featured acts will be for
no more than £5 so it is a complete bar-
gain if you are considering it. More details
of how to buy these tickets will be avail-
able soon, please watch out on the web-
site and on the Student’s Union notice
boards.
by Susie Westwell

NUS is committed to:

The restoration of
targeted grants in
order to encourage
potential students
from poor socio-eco-
nomic backgrounds
into higher education
without the fear of
huge graduate debt.
The abolition of
tuition fees in order
that education may
be free at the point of
entry, does not dis-
criminate against
those who can’t
afford to pay and
does provide entry on
26/10/00 Societies 21
Orthodox Notices AGM’s
“Orthodox liturgy on Saturday 21/10 at ducted by Father Aimilianos.One liturgy per ALL
ALL MEETINGS:-
MEETINGS:- Thursday
Thursday 26th
26th October
October
Lady Chapel” month is predicted,their dates for the autumn Greensoc AGM
semester being: Thursday
Thursday 26th
26th October
October 6.30pm Roots
“ The Orthodox Society of UniS is about to Exec Committee 6pm GMR
enter its second year in one month’s 21 October 25 November 9 December Monday
Monday 30th
30th October
October
time.Established last November by a group of Friday
Friday 27th
27th October
October Emotive AGM
students,it aims at the representation of the All of them will take place at Lady Chapel at Product Range Focus Group TB6 6pm
Orthodox students of the University and the 11:30.The plans of the Society for the current 5pm Helyn Rose Bar (e-mail
provision of fundamental religious services to academic year include a visit to the l.andrews@surrey.ac.uk) Tuesday
Tuesday 31st
31st October
October
them. monastery of Essex and -potentially- the invi- The Mountain Biking Club AGM
tation of speakers who will talk about and will Friday
Friday 27th
27th October
October 6pm in TB23.
The Society has had the support of Greek give answers concerning the Orthodox reli- Finance and Services 1pm GMR
Archdiocese of Thyateira and Great Britain gion,while it intends to stay in close co-opera- Wednesday
Wednesday 1st
1st November
November
from the beginning;this year however,Father tion with both the Hellenic and Cypriot Wednesday
Wednesday 1st 1st November
November Yoga AGM 5PM
Aimilianos from the church of St. George in Societies. Union Facilities Focus Group Venue to be confirmed
Kingston-upon-Thames has expressed his You can visit our Webpage at: 3pm Helyn Rose Bar (e-mail
will to help the Society by all means,enhanc- l.andrews@surrey.ac.uk) Thursday
Thursday 2nd
2nd November
November
ing the Society’s potential to fulfill the religious http://www.ee.surrey.ac.uk/Personal/D.Kouba Arabic Society AGM
needs of the -more than 700- Orthodox stu- roulis/orthsoc/ Friday
Friday 3rd
3rd November
November Venue to be confirmed 6pm
dents of UniS. Events Focus Group
where you can find a lot of useful information 5pm Helyn Rose Bar (e-mail Thursday
Thursday 2nd
2nd November
November
A second point that is worth noting is that this and join the mailing list of the Society” l.andrews@surrey.ac.uk) Islamic Society EGM 6.30pm
year the Society managed to book Lady Venue to be confirmed
Chapel(by Guildford Cathedral) for the organ- We also attach a photo which could be com- Monday
Monday 6th6th November
November
isation of Orthodox Liturgies -a much more mented as following: Culture and Events Committee Monday
Monday 6th
6th November
November 20002000
appropriate place for worship purposes than “Orthodox Liturgy at Quiet 5pm GMR Karate Club AGM
the Quiet Center which was used last year. Center(29/01/2000)” UniSport Studio at 21:40
Monday
Monday 6th 6th November
November
On Saturday 30 September the first Liturgy of We wish you a nice academic year International Societies Standing Wednesday
Wednesday November
November 8th8th
this academic year took place in UniS,con- 5.30pm LTE Mature Student Association AGM
1.15 Grant Mitchell Room (Union)
Monday
Monday 6th6th November
November

Emotive Societies Standing and Focus Group

6pm LTE
Thursday
Thursday 9th
9th November
November
Ultimate Frisbee AGM
Time 7pm
Emotive (Student Dance Company) AGM everyone student in this University. You do THURSDAY
THURSDAY 9TH
9TH NOVEMBER
NOVEMBER 2000
2000 Venue Teaching Block (tbc)
Are You Dancing? - We’re Asking! not need to have any previous dance experi- SIS SKILLS SOCIETY
ence just interest and enthusiasm, but if you ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th
9th
Emotive is the University of Surrey’s very own have had dance training we would love to see TIME: 7:30PM - 9:00PM Nightline AGM - 18AD04 - 6PM
student dance company. You may have seen you too. We can attempt any dance PLACE: TB 23
us performing in the 1998 Union Talent Show, event/activity that you would like to do provid- Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th
9th
at the 1999 Fresher’s Fair or in unusual loca- ed there is enough support so please bring Designing Web Pages - Wednesday 1 Third World Development AGM
tions around campus like Chancellors! In our your ideas! We will be electing a new board to November (1pm - 3pm) 6.30pm - LTE
short history we have run weekly dance tech- run the society and all posts are up for grabs
nique classes and workshops. This semester (the previous board has all graduated!). The This training session acts as an Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th 9th
we are planning a one day workshop with Filip posts are: Chair, Vice-Chair, Secretary, introduction to the design of web pages Student Industrial Society AGM
Van Huffel, Artistic Director of Retina Dance Treasurer, and two Board Members. We are a and is particularly aimed at those within 7.30pm TB23
Company. The day will culminate in a sharing very friendly bunch so it can be a good laugh student societies. It will be led by the
(informal show) of the work created during the and helping to run a society looks great on
day. But more details about that will be publi- your C.V. If you would like to know what hold-
Teaching and Learning Support Unit with
the first hour being a visual demonstra-
EGM
cised later. If this sort of thing tickles your ing one of these posts entails please contact tion followed by an hour's opportunity to
fancy why not come along to our AGM on Kat Bridge by e-mail da71kb@surrey.ac.uk or practice. Islamic
Islamic Society
Society EGM
EGM
Monday 30 October 2000 at 6pm in TB6. All by telephone - ext. 54205. 2nd Nov, 6.30pm LTE
are more than welcome. Emotive is not a Election of strategic committee members
dance department society, we are open to By Michaela Lucking All ISoc members please attend

successful round of pub golf including a

group ‘mooney’ outside Yate’s. Rugby girls on the social

If you are reluctant to join up to a sports club

because you’ve never played that particular
sport before then don’t be. I had never even
caught a rugby ball before my first training
session and I soon caught on to the game.
Even if you end up being useless at the
Women’s rugby
actual sport you can still attend the social
events although do make sure that you fol-
When I was younger I often used to sit down
low ALL the rules because the penalties can
on a Sunday afternoon with my Dad and
be severe.
watch the rugby. I never understood the
rules because as far as I could see, there
As the training sessions have progressed I
weren’t any! The impression I got was that
have learnt how to tackle and how to be
you get hold of the ball (the shape of which
tackled and my arms have not yet fully
still puzzles me) and run as far as you can
recovered. Being a musician I was a wee bit
until someone jumps on you and tries to
scared of being injured but apparently
break your arms and legs. Fairly simple.....or
injuries are quite rare and only happen when
so I thought.
you don’t know what you are doing.(God
help me!) The only down side of rugby are
I decided that it was about time I learnt the
the occasional piles of fox s*** that people
proper rules so joined up for Women’s rugby
with blue hair are prone to falling in.
and would definitely recommend other peo-
ple to do the same. The first session I went
I would recommend women’s rugby to any-
to was quite easy going with some running
one, (providing they are female, obviously)
(well more like jogging and excessive
especially if you have a lot of aggression
breathlessness) and a bit of passing. My
and phenomenal drinking abilities.
friends had all been teasing me for a week
before I went, saying that I would have to
By Alison Danby
turn into a butch lesbian to fit in but I soon
proved them wrong. I think I passed the ini-
Me and my flexable friend
tiation test with flying colours ,managing a
22 Sport 26/10/00

Surrey Pride
Mountain walking Review
MOUNTAIN WALKING CLUB GOES
BOWLING!
I figured you’d all be bored of reading about
us by now, so instead of giving you a break
I thought I’d write about something different.
Well, a change is as good as a rest, they
say. We didn’t actually go anywhere this
week, I’m afraid. We did, however have a
Social Event, at the request of some mem-
bers of the club. We went bowling (as you
guessed from the title).
The evening started as we all met up by the
Union. As the bowling alley had been
booked up until quite late in the evening, we
all went to Wetherspoon’s for cheap drinks
and to catch up on the week’s gossip/news
first. A few drinks later, we went to get the
bus, which was late. We were just about to
try a taxi as we saw the bus come up the
road, so chased after it (pumping the alcohol
around our bloodstreams as we did so!). I
have never seen Jon run so fast!
Once we’d actually arrived safely at the
Spectrum, we had to work out the computer
- thing. It took a while, but eventually the
elec eng students managed. Jon won the
game with many many points, and Maddie
lost with very few points (could it possible
have been the wine?). Evan and Sanna
coped extremely well as this was the first
time either of them had played, and Sanna
scored a good few points! Everyone man-
aged to score a strike.
The “Speed Round” Mike instigated failed
miserable when somehow the computer
stopped measuring our bowling speeds after
the second time round! It was a good laugh,
and it was nice to meet up on a week where
not much else was happening.
This weekend 27-29th Oct we should be
going to the Cotswolds. Details of this trip
will be on the website as from Tuesday
evening. If anyone would like to come along
then please e-mail us at: mountainwalk-
ing@surrey.ac.uk to see if we have any
last-minute places spare!
by The Mountain Walikng Team

6 a side Football
Wednesday 18th saw the start of the
six a side football competition at the
Varsity Centre and in particular the
second season for Real Wages with
Chairman Jamie “Playmaker “ Stacey
and Player Manager Chip Monks at
the helm. The team played two
matches in their group, the first saw
them comprehensively outplayed by
the defending champions CCSR 2-0.
The second saw the side show their
battling qualities with an excellent 2-0
win against Godzilla, both goals being
expertly put away by Jim. The results
leave Real Wages second in the
group with an excellent chance of
reaching the quarter finals. After the
games manager Chip was asked
about his teams early form “The
Chairman said there was no money
for new signings so I looked in the
bargain basement for some cheap
and cheerful players and found Jim
and Cocktail Dave who alongside long
term returnee from injury Sicknote
Steve and developing home grown
talent have helped form a good side
who could be capable of anything
especially after that result in the sec-
ond game” Real Wages next play on
the 2nd November
BY J Stacey
26/10/00
Surrey Pride
Ski-Xmas
The One Step Route to a Happier
Christmas!
With the last of those scorching summer
days over for another year and our
speedos safely back in the cupboard for
a while, the cold weather is well and truly
setting in. Whilst, for the sun worshipers
amongst us, this may seem like a fairly
depressing thought, for the rest of us this
means it’s the start of the Ski and
Snowboard season and that means it’s
P.A.R.T.Y. time! This year has seen the
UniS Ski & Snowboard Club achieve a
whole host of things and the winter’s only
just begun. With, one successful pub
crawl under our belts, a fair bit of dry ski-
ing and boarding, a handful of bruises
and just a scattering of embarrassing
stories (thanks to our naughty nurses for
supplying most of them!) the club is well
and truly off and running into the new
season.
Training, racing, arseing about strapped
onto either one or two planks (depending
on which side you play for!) has already
started but the highlight of the Club’s
year is yet to come. Last year saw us
take 123 of Surrey’s finest on a weeklong
trip to the Les Arcs in the French Alpes
for what can only be described as
debauchery. This year, however, (well
next year if you want to get picky about
The Full Monty
Unisport boys Do Full Monty
As all you lucky girls out there are aware
that the Full Monty was re-enacted by
the boys of Unisport. We were very
appreciative of the response that we
were given when the idea came about.
To your luck yes the 1500 tickets were
the date) we plan to do it all over again in
Alpe D’Huez, once again doing our bit for
Anglo-French relations!
So if you don’t fancy sitting at home in
the Christmas holidays, eating left over
turkey for the 9 th day in a row, arguing
with your siblings, watching re-runs of
The Two Ronnie’s Christmas Special
and Noel Edmond’s Christmas Gifts then
why not throw a scarf and some gloves in
a bag and come on the one and only
UniS Snow Tour. We leave on Friday 5th
January 2001 from Guildford and return
on the Saturday before term starts back
(13 th). For the bargain price of 285 quid,
not only will we chuck in your travel and
some welcome drinks for the journey out
sold so therefore the boys got their kit
off!!
As we are sure you would agree that this
was a hard task to follow after the
famous young talented group of
Bewitched? Having said that after some
awesome Choreography from the Acting
Dance Manager (Sophie Wells) we were
Sport
there, we’ll also fill all your accommoda-
tion needs, throw in full insurance to
keep your parents from worrying, dazzle
you with a six day lift pass and if that still
isn’t enough we’ll have our tour reps
organise a packed week of entertain-
ment both on and off the slopes for you.
And for those of you who have never
done it before? For a small fee we’ll even
teach you how it’s done!
For more information on the tour or on
the Ski & Snowboard Club in general
take a look at our web site at www.sur-
rey-ski.org.uk or call our hotline on
07951 07 45 70 (Our operators are wait-
ing to take your call).
well away.
A few rehearsals and before we knew it
we were on the Union Stage giving it
large.
We hope all enjoyed it and once again
thank you for your support.
23
UniSport
SOCIAL SPORTS PROGRAMME
Yes, your sports representatives have been doing
a great job organising you all to take part in the fix-
tures which all kicked off this week – Frisbee,
Mixed Netball, Unihoc, Soccer, Volleyball, Squash
and Mixed Soccer are all on the agenda and the
emphasis is definitely fun. If you would like to play
for your department / society / hall of residence – it
probably is not too late – players are always need-
ed! Contact your representative today!
NEW 5 – WEEK COURSES STARTING FROM
6 TH NOVEMBER
Yes, it’s not too late to enroll in some of our new
courses! Body Max (Monday Evenings and
Thursday Lunch time), Golf (Thursday Evenings),
Squash (Wednesday Afternoons), and Badminton
Workshop (Tuesday Evenings).
All exercise and dance classes are on-going – so
do join in if you haven’t had time or opportunity to
do so before now. New students and beginners are
always welcome!
AEROBICS CLASS OPPORTUNITIES FOR A
FASTER WORKOUT
Vibeke is putting particular emphasis on intermedi-
ate and advance students at her Evening Aerobics
class on Tuesday’s 6.30pm at the Sports Centre.
Sorry she was unable to take your class last
Tuesday – the flu bug hit her.
Sophie’s open class on Thursday’s 5.30pm in the
University Hall is the second class when those who
want a fun, fast, high impact class will enjoy the
challenge! (She will give alternative moves for new
attendees as well so don’t be put off!)
CHANGE OF FOOTWEAR
Now that winter is on its way we do ask if you can
bring a spare pair of shoes when entering the
Sports Center. This is to preserve the floors and
equipment so please try and remember.
FREE WEIGHTS ROOM
AS you may have already noticed the free weights
room is starting to get very busy therefore we do
ask if you can return all weights back to their origi-
nal place. Failure to do this is a breach of the
health and safety act so must be adhered to.
This can also cause a serious problem for our
female staff on evening duty so please make sure
all weights are returned
SWIPING YOUR CARD
All members must swipe their card when entering
the building. If you wish to train in the gym you will
also be asked to swipe upstairs before training and
leave your card in the rack provided. Failure to do
this is, can be a fire risk, so please don’t forget to
swipe.
Thank you.