*

The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper

issue 1052 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 27 FEBRUARY 2003 free

* ELECTION SPECIAL
12 PAGE PULL-OUT SECTION
The manifestos of each
candidate in both the
sabbatical and NUS
delegate elections |
ElectionSpecial pages 2-7
sabb elections
pages 8-9
nus delegates
pages 10-11
referendum
page 12
voting info

“
“ this
is
the
future
of
ussu

centre pages
Welcome to the
barefacts elections
special. This pull-out 500 live in town)
contains all space and the time and
of the manifestos to chat about it all
of the candidates in a public
for the sabbatical forum is gone.
elections and Students’ Unions
for prospective can and should
delegates to NUS provide a platform
conference, as and space simply
well as details for
concerning how explore and understand people to
and where to vote.
Be sure to read of their own experiences, the nature
through each of as well as
the manifestos of introducing us to
the positions that others.
interest you the most Second comes the
and notion of injustice.
you think will represent decide who Take the email
you best as two conversation
a sabbatical officer/delegate school friends separated of the
next academic year. over Universities. into 2
After the usual
A question most it going” stuff, “how’s
one may ask how
themselves at election people pose much the pints
time is “why union are in the others’
bother?” It is a bar. Whoever has
valid question and the lowest
one that is particularly one will get a
significant about sense of injustice
here at UniS that experience.
because of the Yet in the
placement timing. public forum and
What follows is a sphere (ie where
discourse concerning the students’ union
student apathy is hosting a
and a document, meeting or printing
therefore, that is the paper), there
significant to one is rarely a sense
and all at this, given to students
as some would that their experience
have us all believe, is unjust.
“crucial time.” continued page
4
If students’ unions
believed that students have always
have a right to

NUS REFEREN-
control/influenc
e their own lives and
surroundings (if
not future), then papervoting
must ask how and
why people come
we Lecture theatres electronicvoting
to care enough This year sees electronice
to take that action. monday: 10 - 4pm intro-
The action is action tuesday: 10 - 4pm duced for what is 2. To vote, click
outside of the thought to be the on the vote link.
confines of usual wednesday: no voting first (successful)
routine, outside time ever in stu-
the realms of what of thursday: 10 dents’ union elections. 3. Enter your URN
everyone does or - 4pm It is a very number (given
what we do each simple process that
week. We eat every friday: 10 - 12noon
on your campus
the card) and the other
day. We don’t vote. to undertake in order voter needs prompted piece of
to register information (for
The first step Chancellor’s their vote and is security and record
is experience. absolutely guaran- purposes).
Students must first monday: 12 - 2pm teed to be secure

DUM: YES OR NO?

reflect upon the from tampering.
experience they have tuesday: 12 - 2pm Below are the instructions 4. A voting form
as for each position
perhaps the experience students, or wednesday: no should you wish to register
to follow will come up on
others have thursday: voting screen.
as poorer students, 12 - 2pm vote electronically. your preference for a position Enter your
or as poverty before
stricken inhabitants and If you have any problems moving on to the
of the third with next position.
world, etc. This is monday: 6 - 8pm the website, please
in itself a difficult contact Scott
step. For a start, Farmer (s.farmer@surre 5. Once you have
we as people rarely tuesday: 6 - 8pm y.ac.uk) or entered your vote
have the time to wednesday: no evening check the bulletin for each position,
reflect upon our vote board for f.a.q’s. click submit to
own experience. thursday: 6 - 8pm cast your vote. Following
So packed is the this, you
busy schedule with 1. Click the elections will not be able to
work and play, link access the voting
that the time to There will also be front of www.ussu.co.uk from the part of the website.
reflect upon it all other voting or visit
is going and gone. stations around www.ussu.co.uk
This is truer the campus, details /elections03.
further down the of which will be released as Please note that once you

Should USSU con-

financial
go. Add in modularisation ladder we as they become soon You will be greeted started entering have
of courses check known. Please by the USSU your preferences,
and increased density the bulletin board elections site, where you cannot stop
and mobility on you can navi- and come back at
of the population www.ussu.co.uk gate around and a later time, otherwise
(no and look at
students on a course longer do 10 Union notice boards the Students’ festo of any candidate the mani- will become void. your vote
live in hall- for further nominated or It should only
information. listen to a clip of take two minutes
their responses at so please perse-
question time. vere when voting
on-line.

tinue to affiliate to the

NUS? The arguments
for and against such
a possible move
pull-out section |
pages 10 & 11

OPINION: WHAT’S THIS ALL ABOUT?

The student view | pages 6 & 7

IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER

The possibilities with Iraq
Further analysis of the situation in Iraq and
how the British public have reacted to the
possibility of war Opinion | page 2

This is Teraclub
A short-story from Ben Supper: what goes
on at superclub Teraclub is for the proprie-
tor to determine only | pages 8 & 9
THIS EDITION OF barefacts sees the launch
of the “lights. camera. action” campaign
to see something done about the safety
Volunteering opportunities concerns associated with the three under-
Alli Cummings brings you five new op- passes on the UniSport side of campus.
portunities to volunteer with her look at the Following the latest in a series of attacks
V-project at the moment | page 11 last week on students as they make their
way through either the underpass towards
Jackass: the movie Southway or the long tunnel towards Tes-
Paul Wright reviews the Jackass movie and cos, enough is finally enough and we be-
lieve, along with the Students’ Union, that
gets some gossip on Johnny Knoxville and
some of the others barearts | page 16 something has to be done before a serious
incident is allowed to occur.
Life after the womb
Rik Mayall talks exclusively to barearts
about theatre, comedy and his new lease of WHAT WE WILL DO
(funny) life barearts | pages 20 &21
present a petition to the council signed by
UniS bring home the Federal Cup students who are affected by these safety is-
A report from last week’s Federal Cup and sues concerning the underpasses
the conribution made to it by those chaps
known as men’s football Sport | page 28 highlight the concern of the student body to
university officials
write letters to local counsellors highlight-
ing the hazards of the underpass region
contact the local press for their support
create a directory of incidents associated
with the underpasses and present this dossier
to the council as well as publish each case
Our goals are highlighted in the title of the
campaign and our intentions are explained
in full in the column on the left.
It is the right of every student to feel safe as
they make their way to or from campus, be
it for lectures, food or leisure activities. It
is not acceptable that incidents are allowed
to occur with alarming regularity and noth-
ing be done about it. The “lights. camera.
action” campaign will address all concerns
associated with safety and these oprrying
underpasses. As such, we ask you to contact
us with any incidents you have experienced
or encourage others to get in touch. We also
encourage you to get in touch with the lo-
cal MP, university officials, the local press,
university security, the police - anyone you
think can make a difference.
To get you started, Sue Doughty, the local
MP, will be available on Friday, 28th Febru-
ary between 5-7pm in the Students’ Union
if you would like to ask her about this issue.
barefacts will publish an interview with her
next week.
Next week’s edition will also see a history
of safety problems with the underpasses, as
well as a more detailed look at the objectives
of the “lights. camera. action” campaign. A
petition to present to the local council will
be circulating soon and we ask you to sup-
port this campaign, because, as the univer-
sity moves towards its Manor Park phase,
the issue of these underpasses and safety
off-campus has never been so vital.
The campaign objectives
The objectives of the “lights. camera. ac-
tion” campaign” are split into two parts.
First of all, we call for:
adequate and reliable lighting in all
underpasses
installation of cameras in the
Southway and Tescos underpass
regular maintenance work on all
lighting and camera equipment
The above objectives are the very least we
expect from this campaign. Further to
these, and taking account of the Univer-
sity’s planned develpoment at the Manor
Park campus, we will push for:
a pedestrian bridge to be built over
the A3 to replace the current under-
pass to Southway
a “sister” bridge to be built over the
Tescos underpass
adequate provision for the safe
transition of students from the Manor
Park site to the Stag Hill campus at
any time of day
2 NEWS
Research funding stuck at a fork in the road
BY PHILIP HOWARD
NEWS EDITOR
IN THE BACKWASH from the White Paper, the
method of rating universities in order to give
out research funding is at a fork in the road.
The amount of funding to be doled out to
universities is based on their performance in
RAE research ratings, which have happened
in 1996 and 2001.
The point in question is the White Paper’s
proposed 6* standard, for top performing
research universities. Under the Higher
Education Funding Council for England’s
preferred approach, the “double 5*” (as the
THES calls it), 6* status would be awarded
to departments that attained 5* status in both
the 1996 and 2001 assessments. However,
the government’s favoured alternative, the
“5*A”, has departments that entered more
than 95% of their staff and attained a 5* in
the 2001 assessment.
The “double 5*” would benefit fewer
universities, however, with 100 departments
in 33 universities attaining this status,
and under which Surrey would have 1
Margaret Hodge says of ‘Mickey Mouse’ courses: “Grow up or pay out”
MARGARET HODGE HAS condemned BY PHILIP HOWARD
universities which offer ‘Mickey Mouse’ NEWS EDITOR
degrees for their high dropout rates, citing
the course as the main reason for dropping high dropout rates, saying that the main
out and threatening financial penalties on reason students dropped out was hardship.
universities that “fail to meet their dropout Talking to the THES, she said: “We talk
benchmarks”. about universities being autonomous bodies
Attacking courses that lack intellectual with academic freedoms, but responsibility
rigour and have little relevance to the goes along with that power. It is an issue
job market, Hodge has angered many by of importance we have to address. Most of
associating ‘Mickey Mouse’ degrees with the research I have looked at shows that the
department included – joint 14th. If the
“5*A” method was used, Surrey would have
3 departments gaining ‘an uplift in funds’,
at joint 12th – on a par with Imperial College
London and Manchester, and with a total of
150 departments in 43 institutions.
With the money being allocated in less than
two weeks for distribution over the summer,
the 150 departments will be on tenterhooks.
This funding is likely to cause a lot of
shakeup to occur, not least because of the
expectations that leading universities will
poach ‘promising departments from weaker
institutions to secure the 6* research rating’,
reported by the THES. Apparently the
business analyst KPMG warned that strong
departments in less generally research-
based institutions could be ‘lured’ wholesale
by better pay and facilities. Says KPMG;
this “will obviously have an impact on the
teaching provision and marketing of that
subject area and might ultimately damage
the viability of the whole institution.”
Clearly the best news for Surrey would
be that the “5*A” scheme is adopted, even
though it is only to be used for one year.
prime reason for dropping out is the course.
I accept that there are other issues involved,
but equally there are issues that universities
have to think about and address”.
Ms Hodge said that the universities’
response was “slightly insular, defensive
and interim”. She warned that she would be
“bearing down on those that fail to hit their
dropout benchmarks” as she tried to ensure
that institutions admitted a fair proportion of
students from poorer backgrounds.
27 February 2003
White paper still
being jingled about
BY PHILIP HOWARD
NEWS EDITOR
THE NUS HAS received news of a rethink
on fees for poorer students with mixed
feelings. In a press release which criticised
“yet another government u-turn before the
white paper is even introduced”, but has also
“welcomed the news with caution”.
Charles Clarke suggested earlier this month
that tuition fees might be waived for the
poorest students entirely, rather than just
a government contribution, in an online
education forum on the BBCi.
NUS President Mandy Telford said: “After
waiting for 15 months for the government to
finally come up with its proposals for higher
education we thought they may have been
a little better thought out. Since the paper
was released last month they have already
backtracked on claims that 30 per cent of
students would receive a grant, due to their
data being out of date.”
“We have always maintained that increasing
tuition fees would be a disaster. We were
amazed that the government opted to bring
back a nominal grant and abolish up-front
fees, yet actually raise the cost of going to
university. The new policies hare highly
contradictory and the minister’s comments
today will have done little to convince
students that the government is any closer to
knowing what it wants for higher education
than it was 15 months ago”.
The apparent change in policy has not been
commented on by the government.
Cigarette machines may
seriously harm your health
BY PHILIP HOWARD
NEWS EDITOR
A GERMAN SMOKER could be forgiven for
thinking that the universe was trying to make
him quit recently. When a cigarette machine
failed to give him the cigarettes he had paid
for, he started to hit the machine with his
hand, whereupon the machine and a large
section of the wall that held it collapsed on
top of him. The man was freed by passers
by and later left hospital with only cuts and
bruises. barefacts would like to warn against
the health risks of cigarettes, regardless of
whether you smoke them, it would seem.
NOTICES
Kendo AGM - Wed 5th March - 7.45pm
- UniSport
Christian Union AGM 6th March 7.30pm
Wates House, Tree Tops Cafe
27 February 2003
Postgraduate access and debt worries ignored by government ministers
THE GOVERNMENT IS ignoring access issues
at postgraduate level, claims the UK’s
graduate education think tank, the UK
Council for Graduate Education, calling
for inclusion of postgrads into the access
debate. It also warned that concentrating
research and changing research-degree
awarding powers “could be disastrous for
students in institution outside the research
elite”, reports the THES.
At the UK Council for Graduate Education’s
annual conference, Margaret Hodge failed to
allay fears over postgrad access, pointing to
an 18% rise in numbers since 1996 as a sign
that the introduction of fees had not harmed
intake. The Council’s chair, Howard Green,
said: “The minister agreed there
£12m worth of new research funds for UniS
BY RICHARD WATTS
UNIS WILL RECEIVE £12m worth of additional
funds from the Government’s latest Science
Research Investment Fund (SRIF) allocation
to spend across the institution in line with
the research strategy.
Vice-Chancellor Professor Patrick Dowling,
said: “The funds marks a further recognition
of the world class research capability of the
University and positions us as fourth in the
south east region and 22nd in the UK in
terms of the size of SRIF allocation.
NEWS
BY PHILIP HOWARD
NEWS EDITOR
wasn’t much discussion about postgraduates
in the white paper. But she didn’t address
the potential impact”. Fears abound that
the access and debt problems of postgrad
students will be lost in the government’s
drive for participation levels for 18 year
olds. Ms Hodge passed the buck of waiving
fees for those who continue on to become
researchers to employers, saying “It is up to
individual employers to decide if they want
to make a contribution towards paying off
student debts”. Professor Green, however,
doesn’t believe that there is sufficient
funding for universities to do this. The
www.funkyberry.com
We intend to continue delivering the highest
quality research to benefit all spheres of
society and industry with these new funds.”
Bids will be sought from research teams
within the university and the funds will
be allocated according to their quality,
relevance and application for society. In
particular, the University anticipate making
a major contribution through the work
this money will fund to developing key
technologies identified by the Government.
Surrey received £7m in the 2002 SRIF
allocation.
Legionella bacteria removed from Battersea Court
BY RICHARD WATTS
AS REPORTED ON the front page last week, test
traces of Legionella bacteria were detected
in the hot water supply of Battersea Court a
routine water quality. As a precaution, the
hot water system was turned off and students
were advised not to use water from the hot
taps or in showers until further notice. The
cold water supply was deemed as safe to use
as normal.
The hot water system was chlorinated last
Wednesday morning and visits to every
room in Battersea Court performed so that
chlorine was drawn through the whole
system. This process finished at around 3pm
on Friday afternoon.
3
Council warned, after the White Paper came
out, that “Any increase in the scale of debt
at graduation may deter young graduates to
take on further study”.
According to the THES, the demographic of
graduates going on to postgrad degrees and
PhD is already skewed towards higher social
classes, from data compiled by the Higher
Education Statistics Agency. Professor
Green warned that the government’s
proposals assume many institutions will pull
out of the PhD market, creating problems for
the growing number of part time postgrads
who are limited by mobility as they hold
down jobs or raise families.
Right: Margaret Hodge (star of this week’s news)
This year’s Darwin award nominations
BY PHILIP HOWARD in love at first sight or shall I walk past you
NEWS EDITOR again”. barefacts would like to warn the
male populous against the worst five: “How
THE (IN)FAMOUS DARWIN Awards have do you like your eggs? Fertilised”, “Get you
announced the early nominees. Contenders coat love, you’ve pulled”, “Is that a ladder
include a man whose can broke down on in your tights or the stairway to heaven?”,
the motorway, left his car, and ended up on “This body leaves in five minutes, be on
the railway tracks. The driver of the fateful it” and “Your clothes would look great on
train saw him standing on the track, holding my bedroom floor”. Clearly the female
a mobile phone to his ear and cupping his contingent is more interested in a drink than
hand to the other ear to block the noise of a stage performance, although there may be
the train. an element of “the shorter the line, the fewer
Also up for one of the posthumous awards chances to mess it up”, ventures barefacts.
is a man who was reprimanded by a police
cadet for his dog not having a leash or
muzzle. In the ensuing argument, the man
took out a grenade and threw it at the cadet.
Not having a leash or a muzzle, the dog
faithfully retrieved the grenade.
Another of the many listed was a Mohave
County Jail inmate, who defecated on his
cell floor, slipped in his own faeces, struck
his head on the ground, and died.
The Darwin Awards posthumously honour
those who improve our gene pool by
removing themselves from it.
In other news: according to a survey of
1,000 young adults by Snack-a-Jacks, the
most successful chat up line is… “Can I buy
you a drink?”. The rest of the top five were
“You don’t know me but I dreamt about you
last night”, “Did it hurt when you fell from
heaven?”,”Can I buy you a drink or do you
just want the money” and “Do you believe
Richard Paxton, the head of accommodation,
apologised for any inconvenience caused
in several e-mails to the university
community.
in
Legionella bacteria can cause legionellosis
or Pontiac fever, but the risk is low for
normally healthy young people, unless they
are immune suppressed. The incubation
period is 2 to 10 days and the first symptoms
are flu-like, with fever, muscle aches,
DUMB
abdominal pain and coughing. If any
students suffer any of these symptoms STUFF
please contact the Health Centre where there
are staff on duty 24 hours a day.
For further information about Legionella
paul wright reviews jackass
please see www.phls.co.uk.
4 OPINION 27 February 2003

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters
may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: barefacts@ussu.co.uk

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION

UNION HOUSE Dear barefacts, be seen just as equally so people can make
UNIVERSITY OF SURREY autonomous decisions.
GUILDFORD GU2 7XH It is cowardly to pull down other societies
WWW.USSU.CO.UK posters on campus. Its shows just how Yours,
afraid you are of the opposition and that DANIELLA HOW
you don’t know how to face them. Those

This is the start of something societies have a very good idea of just who
you are, so do you really want to be known
as the more ineffectual opponent? As they
The letter printed below was sent to barefacts at
the start of the week. I have since received a copy
of the Guildford Messenger from Rachael Bemrose

everyone should be concerned with leave yours up can you not, in the good will
we hope the campus lives in, leave theirs to
(thanks Rachael!) and have been in touch with the
local Tory camp to ask for a correction. Rich Watts

In this very column last week, barefacts
said that something needed to be done, and
been done it has been, for the launch of
the “lights. camera. action” campaign on
the front page this week is the first step of
many to ensuring students can walk safely
off-campus towards the Park Barn area of
Guildford.
The specific goals are targeted such that
they install a measure of safety and security
for anyone walking in that area and will, if
listened to and acted upon, eradicate the is-
sue of attacks that crops up time and time
again, year after year.
The steps required are obvious: make the
student population aware of the issue, gather
information about their experiences, inform
those with the power to change those experi-
ences and tell them to do it.
Friday sees an ideal opportunity for stu-
dents to start that process by coming along
to see Sue Doughty, the local MP, to see
what she is going to do on the matter. She
is available between 5 and 7pm in the Stu-
dents’ Union.
This newspaper will continue to run the
campaign until it is happy something has
been done: until, at the very least, adequate
lighting is provided, cameras are installed
and the possibility of a bridge is at least
discussed. Student safety will once again
become a priority and not a reaction.
Dear barefacts,
I did not realise that Sarah Butterworth
had resigned and we had a new editor!
Probably because I haven’t seen him at any
editorial meetings, nor has he written any
articles since I began writing for Barefacts.
Funnily enough, Sarah doesn’t know about
it either! Is this actually true? For lo and
behold, Mike Chambers (the Saviour of the
Tories) in a recent interview told all that he
was “editor of the newspaper ‘Barefacts’”.
After his first letter condemning the ‘Blair/
Saddam’ joke article in Barefacts during Rag
Week, Mr Chambers seems to think that his
contributions are worthy of yet another title!
To add to the embarrassment, it appeared in
the most illiterate excuse for a newspaper
Perhaps Mike will plead ignorance and
reply, dismissing the fraudulent statement
as a typo. Even if this were true, it would
highlight even more the incompetence of
the party that like to think they will be back
in government in a few years. If they can’t
get a 4-question interview right, how do
we expect them to run our country? It is
common knowledge that the traditionalist
views of the Conservative party are heavily
outdated, but perhaps the truth also lies in
the fact that they aren’t as well educated or
“elitist” as they make themselves out to be.
So Mr Chambers, more “fanmail” to add
to your collection. Your reply last week
sounded quite cool and calm, although I
hear from sources that the look on your face
was quite classic in Chancellors when you

The elections are well and truly go that I have ever read – The Guildford “Tory-
cry-for-help” Messenger.
read the replies. It’s a shame I never got to
see it.
Is this typical of the Conservative party
People are wearing badges, chalk-writing has no stereotype - it has no one way of can I ask? Do they fabricate as much CHRIS WARD
adorns innocent paving slabs and the lecture doing things. One thing worth considering myth as Mr Chambers did in his interview? LITERATURE EDITOR
theatres have become works of art in the is this very paper - whoever takes the role
field of postering: we can all safely assume for VP Communications & Marketing will
that the elections process has started up once
again. This week’s paper is a little thicker
be responsible for it and what it looks like.
If you are reading this (which you are) then
The British public are the losers of
than usual because of the 12-page special
that contains the manifestos of each candi-
that might be a starting point.
All that barefacts implores you to do is Tory in-fighting
date for each position - both sabbatical elec- make up your own mind - base your vote on
tions and NUS delegates. It is worth having who you think will do what you would want MICHAEL PORTILLO IS funding proposals which
a look through and seeing who is thinking of of them and whose manifesto pledges are apparently a cancer within PAUL CANNING fundamentally undermine
doing what, even if you don’t think you’d be things you would like to see happen in the the Conservative Party, or at the next generation of
least that’s what Ian Duncan “If the Tories cannot get skilled workers in this
interested, if not for the fact that you might Union. The elections are often cast as noth-
Smith is being quoted as their house in order then a country, crumbling transport
find something that will interest you. ing more than a popularity contest. Perhaps
saying over the weekend. chubby Scotsman will take – the list goes on.
Aside from that, what might the elections this may be true, but if you check out the
the government to task.”
really mean for you? It’s a difficult question candidates’ policies, at least you can make This follows the recent Ineffective opposition
to answer because the student experience an informed choice. dismissal of a number of means that the government
key modernises within Tory central office essentially have free rein on pushing through
by IDS, as he believed they were not loyal whatever policies they wish, without
Congratulations to all the sporting folk to his leadership and were working against clear and concise communication from
him. the opposition, their messages fail to get
Yet another bout of Tory handbags at 20 through. The Liberal Democrats realise that
If you asked the majority of students on campus what the federation is all about, they’d men- paces is of little interest to most people, the by setting their stand out as the “constructive
tion something about Star Trek and go merrily on their way, but don’t let that get in the way key problem is that the party is still yet to opposition”; they have a unique opportunity
of a good cause for celebration. Though there is a basic lack of knowledge about this Federal fully come to terms with the fact that they to become the official party of opposition in
University of Surrey entity, there is no lack of knowledge concerning the quality, ability and are no longer in government, but in fact are the not too distant future. There is no divine
performances of the sports teams of UniS week in week out, and this last week has seen yet now the opposition party. If you believe the right for political parties to exist forever,
another success: they brought the Federal Cup home. press reports, then a leadership challenge longstanding political parties in other
Though it is a relatively low-key event across the university community, the Federal Cup in the coming months is as inevitable as countries have disappeared before and it can
represents a collaboration between USSU and the equivalent at Roehampton and for that the Iraq war, but whilst this drags on and happen again.
alon the sports people must be congratulated for contributing to a new relationship that, in 20 on, the real losers are the British public If the Tories cannot get their house in
years, may be as strong as the link between an Imperial and ULU, for example. at large. Not only is IDS the leader of the order soon, and start properly taking the
What we must ensure, however, is that we always keep our hands on the cup. Being friends Conservative Party, but also the leader of the government to task, then a chubby ginger
is nice, but being victorious is always better. opposition in Parliament. This means that Scotsman will. Should you think that this all
the primary function of he and his shadow sounds a bit melodramatic, then those of you
cabinet is to challenge and scrutinise what planning to graduate in the not so distant

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Ballots are the rightful and peaceful successors to bullets.”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN (1809 - 1865), POLITICIAN
the government is doing, and take them to future and stay around in Guildford may
task when they screw things up. Put simply, get a shock when your first council tax bill
this is not happening; council tax bills drops through the letterbox or when it takes
ballooning by almost 20% in many parts you an hour and a half to get to work.
of the shire counties, the new university barefacts@ussu.co.uk
27 February 2003
This was a demonstration of a new breed of political apathy
Philip Howard remains unconvinced by the unqualified statement of “Stop the War”
It was a historic day. A million people, that
is 2% of the population were in one place, at
one time. In a train of people that took over
5 hours for the tail end to reach Hyde Park,
people from all walks of like, all faiths, all
races marched as one statement. Or so they’d
have us believe. I’m not really interested in
the unqualified statement ‘Stop the War’. To
convince me, there must be reasoning. And
I’m afraid the answers people have given do
not convince me.
In the biggest march of these times,
the country finally remembered political
activism. They realised that they had a
vote, even though over 40% didn’t bother
in June 2001. But is this a new resurgence
in political awareness, political action,
political interest in the UK? If you go by
the numbers, yes it is. But I saw, in the
answers the marchers gave as to why they
were there, a political arrogance and little
awareness. Most of the marchers seemed to
be there as a statement of somehow making
a statement for peace over war, as though
An inflated sense of self-worth perpetuated by daddy’s cash
Do private schools get their knickers in a twist over their students’ prospects of attending top-flight institutions?
THERE IS A certain element of familiarity with
the news every time I turn to a newspaper
recently or reach for the on-switch of a
television. The front page will invariably
greet me with the latest development on
the Iraq front (or border, actually, now I
come to think about it), the next few pages
will contain analysis of the reasons why we
shouldn’t go to war, there will be a bit of
inflated American self-belief, a nod in the
direction of Europe, some news or other
about Mr Mugabe or AIDS and then some
observations based on all of the above.
On other occasions, there are references
to home politics and nothing whatsoever on
the opposition, who are so out of kilter and
the nation’s consciousness that they don’t
even generate the capital letter they once
did and no-one knows what their leader’s
name is, let alone how many “IÓs it has in
it. (Incidentally, if people are serious about
the Prime Minister’s term as Premier ending
as a result given his stance over Iraq, they
would do well to remember the Tories are
pro-war. Now there’s a lose-lose situation.)
All in all, it is really quite repetitive. Which
is why it has been good to see a familiar
story rearing its head this last week that we
normally see around the end of year exam
times. Cue Anirudh Singh - a boy rejected
by Bristol University despite having 5 A’s at
A-level, academic prizes galore and a mean
swing of a cricket bat that has seen him
play for Warwickshire U-19’s. According
to his headmaster, Roger Dancey, despite
having been accepted by Cambridge to
study economics, Mr Singh was declined
the opportunity of an interview at Bristol on
the basis that he was educated at a private
school. It seems that Mr Dancey has some
issues there, but let’s look at some of the
OPINION 5
there was a simple choice decisions of the UN, giving up the stairs and refusing to eat anything,
between not going to war the green light to dictators, regardless of what the right thing to do was,
and just starting a war for no and most importantly of all: and displaying complete ignorance of it.
reason. And I’m sure there are condemning the Iraqi people I could have been persuaded by 2 million
people reading this who think to more sanctions, more people that there was an alternative to war,
exactly the same, that the war hunger, more oppression. that there was another way, that there was
is just the US starting a fight This is like the choice some concrete reason not to attack. But I
with a country that we have between intervening or not didn’t see a single one. I saw a seething
no reason to go to war with.
PHILIP HOWARD when you see a parent beating mass of people drowning in their own
That, my dear reader, is sheer, their child; it is not without hypocrisy, delirious with their own selfish
unadulterated, 100% proof, “To convince me, there consequence, regardless of cause, and ignorant of the truth. This was not
wholegrain, all-the-options, must be reasoning - and I’m your choice. a resurgence in political awareness, this was
spare-no-expense-for-my- afraid the answers people The fact that a million people a resurgence in political activism coupled to
darling crap. I was on the have do not convince me.” turned up to remember the old complete apathy. They were willing to go,
verge of criticising Blair for days when they would stage willing to march, willing to stand up for
going against public opinion, sit ins and smoke weed in what they believed. But they weren’t willing
when the marchers explained to me just how the face of the authorities. As disillusioned to listen to anyone else, they weren’t willing
deluded they are. as you may be with the government, it isn’t to see the truth, and they definitely weren’t
The choice is this. Go to war, kill thousands clever or peace-loving to just rebel against willing to talk about the politics.
of people, kill or oust Saddam Hussein, and one policy under the banner of peace. That’s The rebellious teenager is in danger of
risk relations between Islam and the West; or twisting the cause of peace to meet your own becoming a delirious anorexic. This is a new
don’t go. But don’t go is not a choice without ends, which is immature and displays no sort of apathy.
consequences, it means playing games political awareness. The public has become
with Saddam for longer, rubbishing the a collective gloomy teenager, stamping barefacts@ussu.co.uk
wider implications brought need to educate themselves schools were a good idea in principle, for at
about by this case. and possess a natural least they based their access on the ability
First of all: what is the curiosity to overcome social of the students involved as opposed to the
fuss about? Cambridge is barriers as opposed to one money in their parent’s wallets.
a far superior institution who possesses no such The unfortunate assumption to be drawn
in almost every right to academic zest. from this is that the persisting thought
Bristol and the candidate An oft repeated argument in the minds of some is that education is
in question would no doubt runs along the lines of a synonymous with exam-passing. This
have preferred Cambridge grade being a grade no matter is not the case and leads to a further
to Bristol. I’m sure most
RICHARD WATTS where it comes from. I pestering thought that, aside from the usual
students given those grades would have to disagree with exemptions, is enjoyable in its truth: an
and that choice would make “Private education is a sys- this. Take the case of the expensive education doesn’t equate to a
a similar choice. tem that helps academically student that works all day good education and it certainly doesn’t yield
And I’m sure that most mediocre students achieve and all night for an exam the best or most deserving of candidates.
institutions, on the basis of reasonable grades.” who achieves the same mark Mr Dancey would do well to remember that
an application form that has as the person who did five whilst he is putting his headmaster’s gown
Oxbridge as a first choice, would draw a minutes revision before the exam started. on in before assembly.
similar conclusion. They each have the same grade: yes; they
The problem here, then, is not that of each have the same intellectual ability: no. watts_so_hot@hotmail.com
Mr Singh and his 5 A’s - it is of the rest What a university is hoping to gleam from a
of the privately educated students whose candidates application form is some sort of
in
parents have paid handsomely for expensive intellectual aptitude and desire, which good
education and children that come out of it all grades only sometimes reflect. A clever
with a B and a couple of C’s. These are the student from a state school is far more
sixth-form students that their headmasters likely to have pushed themselves further
will perceive to be victims of an “unfair” since their basic education - that which they
interview system designed to increase receive in the classroom - has not pushed
access for less fortunate people; their their abilities as far as they can go. The
precious statistics that I dare say would turn, statistics that demonstrate students from
via some complicated equation, into school- private schools achieve far fewer Firsts at
TOOTHPASTE?
fees for the following year. I wonder: in the top-class institutions in relation to the their
eyes of admissions tutors at the well-thought state-school equivalents would seem to
of universities which candidate they would corroborate this theory.
look more favourably on: can I suggest that So what is private education if nothing
they would view with more enthusiasm the but expensive? It is a system that helps
candidate from a decrepit, poorly funded academically mediocre students achieve
comprehensive school or college with 3 reasonable grades. At the very least, it
B’s than a programmed exam-passer with gives people like Mr Dancey - our hard
the same grades from a well-known public done by headmaster - be able to off-load
school? This would, to their mind, surely any blame for mediocrity on to other people. rich w loves the tube | LATW p. 25
represent a candidate who has developed the Such attitudes suggest to me that grammar
6 OPINION 27 February 2003

Plenty of style but not

enough substance
It is all very well having a pretty poster for the elec-
tions, says Arvind Virdee, but if there is no policy
behind them then what is the point?
I never considered myself apathetic
about student politics. It was just that,
for most of my tenure here, there wasn’t
much politics to be apathetic about.
I had a vague feeling that sabbatical
officers were supposed to be important,
though no-one seemed to mention
them. Were they a mystical species of
household gnome who magically and
thanklessly arranged everything from
union entertainments to the funding for
the Extreme Tiddlywinks Society? An
unholy fusion between Santa Claus and
the Tooth Fairy? Damned if I knew.
But one afternoon, I was in the
kitchen of Rawson 3, helping 50% (that
makes one) of my close friends make
tea. He made the tea, I stood around
and watched. So much for division
of labour. Anyway, Funkyberry of
all people happened to be in the
room at the time, brainstorming by
degrees and finally developing his
signature teabag gimmick. During the
ensuing conversation, all the minor
reminders, the little details sitting in
my subconscious concerning “election
nominations” came bubbling to the
surface. And as I left the room, my
friend exhorted
me, in case I
missed anything
“That people think – Vote Chris
Hunter!
you need to put I’m sure
Funkyberry is
a simple message a very worthy
person and
across is rubbish: I’ve had no
evidence that he
it doesn’t work would make a
particularly bad
very well with Societies and
Culture Secretary.
politics.” Even so, my
initial reaction
was “Why the hell should I?” A little
later, the answer “there’s no one else
to vote for” became apparent, but it
doesn’t really cut the mustard, and so
comes as a handy reminder to me at this
apparently crucial point: I was simply
under the impression that if you run for
any kind of election, from President of
the Solar System to Treasurer of the
Anti-Mormon Society, Salt Lake City
chapter (a tiny group indeed) what you
do first up is give people a better reason
for voting for you than (say) the fact
you can put your face on a Twinings
packet. A stock retort here might be
“We have Question Times in the union,
we have question-and-answer topics on
the Bulletin Board, people can easily
find out if they can be bothered..” My
point exactly. People can’t be bothered.
From what I’ve heard from older, wiser
chaps and chapesses, turnout tends to
be about 15%. In a good year. That’s
worse than Italy, and you know what
they think of their government.
Claiming we can do nothing about
this, perhaps because student apathy
about the elections stems from an
innate moral deficiency, or because
the post-Thatcherist zeitgeist dictates
politics just ain’t sexy no more, is
over-defensive hubris (Hubris? That’s
a posh word for “bollocks”, everyone)
of the worst kind. I think the problem
is kind of staring me in the face. Most
of the candidates have been putting
up dinky little posters with “Vote X”
written underneath in and nice election-
type puns and visual devices, all of it
pretty short on anything significant
or consequential. Plenty of style, not
enough substance to wipe your bum
with.
“But that’s what people want,” moan
the amateur marketers, “you need to put
a simple message across.” Rubbish.
You need a simple message when
you’re trying to convince people to
buy your brand of chocolate bar or
toilet paper, because this is a brain-dead
decision, but it doesn’t work very well
for politics. I’m all for the simple “Vote
for me!” as an introductory tactic, but
this is not a university full of imbeciles.
“Vote for me!” comes across pretty
quickly, and then people are going to
say “Yeah, got that. Why should I?” If
you don’t give them an answer, people
will rightly conclude you are insulting
their intelligence and forget all about
your silly election.
I haven’t seen enough answers to
“Why should I?”. One candidate did a
very good poster outlining her position
and stuck it up near One Stop, but it
was a little hard to read. I’ll give her
the benefit of the doubt and assume
her space bar’s broken. (Incidentally,
someone had rearranged some of this
particular candidate’s posters on the
stucco near the launderette to spell
something totally inappropriate. This
was low and unfunny, and I quickly
repaired it.) Another candidate did a
partial policy poster....the rest of them
appear to be satisfied with sitting on
their derrieres and waiting for people
to ask them, either at Question Time or
on the Bulletin Board. That’s not going
to happen. I can’t think of anything
specific to ask you (I’m not involved in
running the union. I’m not up to speed
on exactly what the sabbs do) and I
happen to give more than a Turkish lira
about this election. How many people
don’t? How many of them are going to
actively ask you any specific questions?
By the time this goes to print Question
time will have happened, but I’m not
optimistic as to how many people
will actually turn up. On the whole,
you candidates seem to be treating
poster saturation as the bread and
butter of your campaigns, and the real
issues as bunting. If you want people
to start giving a Nicaraguan Cordoba
(exchange rate 15,000 per US$) I
suggest you look at it the other way
round. Don’t wait till Question Time to
start dealing with actual issues. Wave
them in people’s faces.
There is something quite easy you
can do to get started on this. It’s called
a manifesto. If I was running for a
sabbatical post, I’d write down all my
policies so they’d fit on a page, stick a
couple dozen copies round campus and
THEN jack off making wacky pictures
of myself in Photoshop. So perhaps this
copy of barefacts might enlighten us as
to who is actually the best candidate for
the job.
Oh, and one last thing. Messrs Borneo
and Wright, tell us all, in your own
words, why it matters a Confederate
dollar either way whether USSU is
affiliated to the NUS or not. I’d love to
hear it. And that’s not sarcasm. Really.
election special: see pull-out section

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27 February 2003
Through the maze of the Union’s
sabbatical elections process
Continuing the elections theme, Duncan Hamilton points out
all the usual suspects and suggests what effect at least two of
the sabbaticals might have on your time here
HÄAGEN-DAZS 2 for 1! Ooh, it makes
me tingly just typing that. Rarely
has there been such joy in BOGOF
promotion as getting twice the amount
of premium ice cream for the same
wedge of the folding stuff. It doesn’t
happen all that often, but when it does
it signals a period of furious indulgence
for lovers of cold dairy products like
me, the freezer is stocked with a wide
range of delight and much creamy
goodness is gormandized. Which
leaves some who are more distanced
from such masticatory fun slightly
bemused. For better or worse there are
those who are strangers to this wonder.
Perhaps they already have a rich and
varied diet, maybe they just don’t like
ice cream. Possibly they are put off by
garish and inescapable advertising of
such glutton, supermarket employees
pouncing on them the moment they
enter the aisle letting them know just
how important 2 for 1 ice cream is and
how if they don’t stock up now they’ll
be missing out for months, after all the
offer is only on for a few weeks!
Meanwhile, elsewhere…
No doubt the keener sighted readers
amongst you will have noticed this
week’s barefacts has something of
a loose theme-ette, and if previous
years are anything to go by chances
are you’ve already been told just how
important these elections are and you
owe it to yourself to take an interest
and vote. It is after all Your Union,
with Significant Capital Letters and
everything. Did I mention just how
important these elections are? Oh yes,
good. Hmm, didn’t say why though
did I, well aside from being Your
Union? What does Your Union mean
though to most students? Sports,
societies, WNO, FNO, beer, pool,
chance to get as wasted as you can
get away with for nine quid? I’ll let
you prioritise those as you will but
chances are there’s only one sabb
position that remotely affects you,
or two if you read barefacts. Which
you do, obviously. Is it really that
earth-shatteringly important whether
Candidate A rather than Candidate B
gets in? Sports are largely the same
from year to year with the annual
moan about Wednesday lectures and
the same old promises. Societies
come and go. barefacts continues
with (only) its dedicated hardcore of
writers. Union spending will remain
conservative to rebuild the reserves
and a President will sit on an endless
purgatory of committees. There will
still be no obvious answer to students
being victims off campus. The Union
“Try to think just
what the candidate
hasn’t said: often
that’s the biggest
clue to who knows
their Union Club
from their elbow.
And don’t expect
barefacts to point
out the failed
promises.”
won’t grind to a halt if you don’t vote,
no matter what the cohorts of various
candidates feverishly try to tell you.
But I’m excited anyway. I get to
write articles like this and think of
devious questions to post on the
Union bulletin board (a great source
of information and gossip if last
year was representative). Petty (and
not so petty) allegations get thrown
round, mostly amongst presidential
candidates, and Question Time (no
longer Hustings ‘cos we’re all dumb)
will see rounds of tricky questions
and probably some singing all on a
OPINION 7
live webcast. But I’m weird and the
fact is that those who get excited about
the highlight of the Union’s political
year, those that genuinely care about
how competently the Union is run,
are in the minority. They’re the usual
suspects of team captains, barefacts
writers, GU2 presenters, stage crew,
committee members and assorted
other Union hacks who’ve probably
worked in Chancellors at some point.
They know all the candidates and most
are probably on one campaign team or
another. And it all gets a bit bitchy
here and there because potential sabbs think just what the candidate hasn’t
don’t tend to suddenly turn up out said because often that’s the biggest
of nowhere taking an interest in the clue to who knows their Union Club
Union. So this is our democracy: from their elbow. Above all remember
groups of friends voting for people that unlike national elections there is
they know. Not of course just them no pressure for a sabb to stick to their
but I’d say a good percentage of the manifesto once they get in, no national
overall votes, and yet strangely it
doesn’t seem to matter. Last year
press to point out the failed promises
(yes barefacts is technically editorially
all the people I felt were the best
candidates were voted in. So is your
independent and no it doesn’t make
a jot of difference). You’re best off
vote important?
Yes and no. If you don’t vote other
looking for good ideas rather than
the inevitable “I will find out what
people will. But a lot of those votes
will go to friends and acquaintances
students want and give it to them” (yes
they do really think they can get away
and might not be for the best
candidate and, whether you realise it
with saying that. Tch).
And finally, if you don’t like ice
or not, everyone is affected in some cream stay the hell away from my
measure by what happens; you never special offer. I don’t need people like
know when you might need to turn you casually buying up all the best
to the Welfare VP for help or need flavours only for that sugary bliss to sit
the President’s representation for unheeded at the bottom of your freezer
an appeal. You never know when slowly growing that manky crystalline
your rent is about to get hiked up frost. You’ll probably end up taking
by well over the rate of inflation. the last of the Belgian Chocolate and
You never know when your toilets I’ll be stuck trying to tart up lousy
are going to spew forth excrement Vanilla with squirty sauce until the
making your accommodation even offer comes round again. If you’ve
more of a biohazard. But if you do really no interest please just leave it
succumb to my feeble plea for better to the connoisseurs, they’ll be sure to
representation for the love of some enjoy it on your behalf.
divine being please get a clue first. It’s
easy to do! election special: see pull-out section
Read the manifestos. See who looks
like they have a good grasp of what
the job entails. Avoid like the plague
anyone who thinks they can affect beer
in
prices or Union entertainment because next week
it is categorically not their job. Try to
THIS
IS
MY
PLEDGE
what about last year’s sabbs?
8 FEATURE 27 February 2003

by A HUGE RED plexiglass prism hangs
over Woking town centre. Its young
ben proprietor, on the verge of bankruptcy
supper not eighteen months ago, is not only
wealthy now: he’s iconic. The building
is Teraclub, and it is Britain’s first
and only Hyperstimulation bar. The
Hyperstimulation phenomenon made
its mark when the now legendary
this is
teraclub
You got the same lights, the same
sweaty dance floor, and the same old
DJ nodding to himself in the corner.
Once you’d seen one you’d seen them
all. Really high door prices, narky
bouncers, a fiver a bottle. Shitty little
kids getting in with knives. Going to
a club in London today is like getting
mugged in slow motion. I love music,
but I started hating the big nightclubs.
I resented the staff, and the punters
who were either dog-stupid or buzzing
their tits off. They were barely worth
looking at, let alone pulling. You
couldn’t even talk to people anymore.
Something was obviously wrong.
every opportunity to deride his new- wearing a miner’s lamp. Sam explains.
found fame, Sam is surprisingly ‘It’s the same idea as road tunnels. I got
candid. He also has a sharp wit. He the idea from watching a documentary.
recently refused to appear on the cover The bright lights prepare our customers
of Mixmag. After some attempts by for the Teraclub experience. We don’t
the editor to persuade him to appear want to damage anybody’s eyesight.
in a four-page feature, he famously Certainly not again.’
retorted, ‘I’m a nightclub owner, not There is the briefest, uncomfortable
Peter f--king Stringfellow.’ silence. ‘Our door staff are there to
Since he is in talkative mood, I ask him assist our clientele. To protect them,
about the dancer who lost her eyeball and to keep the peace. They’re friends,
in his club. He freezes, and stares at me not enemies. So many bouncers in
like a rabbit at headlights. His glance London take an adversarial stance. We
becomes disarmingly suspicious. Just don’t need that here. Anybody who
as I am about to apologise and retract tries to get in to our club looking for
my question, finally he says, ‘There’s trouble is going to be disappointed.

teraclub
Mika club opened in Osaka in 1993.
It has torn through the Japanese
club scene like a tsunami. Today,
Hyperstimulation is a cult. There are
at least a dozen such venues in Tokyo
alone.
Woking’s Teraclub was the brainchild
of 26-year-old Samuel Levi-Cooper
(‘call me Sam’). He explains his
story to me in The Arthritic Gaoler,
an unpretentious gastropub which has
been doing brisk business since Sam
set up his club nearby. His evenings
have rejuvenated Woking’s club
scene. Unsurprisingly, many nightclub
proprieters are now turning to him for
advice.
‘About five or six years ago, for a
whole load of people, the big clubs
stopped being exciting,’ explains
Sam. ‘It didn’t matter where you went.
an elderly nun
eats a chocolate
eclair in close-
up. That image is
suddenly shattered
by a spinning
rint.
bust Iofam
Mar
almost
certain that the
nietsnie
Schroedinger
equation flashes
past.
That’s why I started Teraclub.’
Sam’s vision for the club was born
four years ago when a school friend,
not a lot to say, really. We got a bit There won’t be any.’
careless with the video screens. It was
really unfortunate.
So, that explains the pink suits the
bouncers are wearing? ‘Yes. Black
backpacking through Japan, visited ‘This girl had been dancing all night. suits are intimidating and cliched; grey
the Mika nightclub one night. His According to witnesses she’d had a suits are superior and disapproving;
subsequent account of Mika made a few drinks, and it’s pretty certain she blue suits are miserable and political.
profound impression on Sam. ‘This was off her box on Trec. There used to Pink is the way forward. It’s the most
scene couldn’t have started anywhere be a bit in the evening when everything friendly, non-threatening colour on the
nun ylredle na
but Japan. The country was crying
out for Hyperstimulation. Like the
would just flash on and off in unison. planet. Can you think of a savage pink
The lights, video screens, lasers, animal? We’re the only one. That’s
etalocohc a stae
Japanese, the British are very repressed
culturally. And like the Japanese, we’re
everything. Just for a minute or two. why you’ll be seeing plenty more of
‘That’s when it happened. Her eyeball those pink suits this evening.’
-esolc ni rialce
becoming obsessed with newness and
gimmickry. Teraclub had to work here,
just fell out of her head like this (Sam As the bouncers wave us through
demonstrates with an ice cube). She (‘All right, Sam?’) we encounter the
si egami tahT .pu
because everything’s got to be louder,
faster, and shinier than whatever we
didn’t even notice and carried on cloakroom. Searchlights accelerate
dancing, but a couple of clubbers saw and decelerate rhythmically over
now.
derettahs ylneddus
had before. And we’ve got to have it it all happen. The eyeball was flapping our heads. It’s like being inside a
about on the end of a bundle of nerves. confused photocopier on ‘auto zoom’.
derettahs ylneddusgsniie
‘I just happened to make the ngnaim
pis a yb
Totally harmless. But eventually, The cloakroom attendant, wearing
connection between Mika and my everyone saw it, and of course the deep cherry shades, takes our coats
tsomlraaM
feeling that I was outgrowing the
superclubs. By bombarding clubbers
mafoI t.t
snub
irp
whole thing just got out of hand.’ without so much as a gesture. There
I stare at my bacon sandwich. It stares are no tickets issued here, since the
eht taht niatrec
with quickly changing sounds and
visuals, the Hyperstimulation concept
back. The rest of story is familiar. cloakroom attendants are selected
The tabloids launched a knee-jerk for their memory. Sam explains that
compels people to react and adapt regnideorhcS einstein
campaign that almost destroyed delayed CCTV footage of the room
quickly to their surroundings. There’s Teraclub. The business was ordered is relayed into two television screens,
sehsalf noitauqe
no fixed reference point. I hoped to pay for medical expenses and so that attendants are automatically
that that would bring people out of counselling. Then a white paper was reminded a particular exchange of
themselves.’ This is how, on a rainy .tsap
rushed through Commons, resulting in coats thirty seconds after it has taken
evening in 1999, Sam recalls that the the notorious Entertainment Lighting place, and then again, one hour later.
seeds of Teraclub were sown. It took Act (2001) which prohibits unison The club is like nothing I have seen
Sam, with his gift of persuasion, little strobing. Sam is unapologetic. ‘The before. The walls, which undulate
time to secure the necessary capital, Japanese clubs are still allowed to do slowly, are covered from floor to
but he admits that the first few months it. It’s a different culture.’ ceiling in television screens of all sizes.
were painful. An enthusiastic queue of scrubbed, Each screen shows a different cycle of
‘We almost folded twice,’ he admits, plucked, noisy young men and women images. The footage is intended to elicit
‘and when we found that the building waits outside the nightclub. So far, associations and emotional responses
was subsiding, we almost packed it in. so ordinary. ‘I’m from New Malden,’ from the crowd, but not in any order
We had to redesign the roof. At one proclaims one young lady, grinning I can determine. After swiftly-edited
stage, I was conducting business over a through a fug of perfume and rouge. film of the aftermath of the World
payphone.’ But he persisted. Teraclub Her announcement is joined by a Trade Center collapsing, I catch film
now attracts two thousand people on chorus of approving screams. The footage of a birth, of a chessboard,
an average night. first sign that my evening may contain and of a painting in the style of Asger
When one considers that he is very anything out of the ordinary comes Jorn. In a screen at waist height, an
selective about publicity, and takes when I notice that every bouncer is elderly nun eats a chocolate eclair
27 February 2003
in close-up. That image is suddenly
shattered by a spinning bust of Margaret
Thatcher, coloured like a Warhol print. I
am almost certain that the Schroedinger
equation flashes past.
Close your eyes, and you can focus
on the music. Or musics. The club
hired high-profile DJs during the first
couple of weeks, but they disappointed
Sam. The last straw was his notorious
bust-up with a celebrity DJ. ‘The guy
was charging six grand a night: that’s
pretty much our door takings. He turned
up an hour and a half late in a huge
bloody car, and didn’t even bother to
explain himself. He brought this really
unpleasant attitude with him. He thought
he was someone special.’ he explained
in the VIP lounge. ‘When it comes down
to it, a DJ plays records. That’s all. A
DJ doesn’t save lives, he doesn’t run
a country, and he doesn’t work twenty
hour shifts in a factory. He’s got a cushy
job, a big house, a big car, holidays in
the bloody Bahamas, and our punters are
paying for it all. He turned up without
his own gear, and started giving me grief
about our mixer. He swore at me. I’m
like, “Drop the attitude, I’m employing
you. Without people like me you’d be
working in a supermarket. Just respect
me and listen!” He wouldn’t shut up. He
was shouting. So I had to hit him.’
Sam quickly realised that for the
same price as a Pete Tong or a Paul
Oakenfold, the club could hire fifty local
DJs. So that’s exactly what they did. The
music that happens at the club is created
by about sixty DJs, most of them
spinning decks. The more experienced
DJs are given the task of mixing other
DJs together. The concept takes some
getting used to, and the resulting
music certainly does. It’s definitely an
acquired taste, like modern jazz with a
beat. Sam says that this actually helps
people to get used to their surroundings.
‘Many visitors to this club are a bit
self-conscious when they come in.
The best thing about this music is that
anyone can dance to it. It doesn’t matter
whether you bop demurely or you spaz
-aret
out completely on the dance floor: we’re
teraclub
all equal. If you can’t dance, it just looks
like a deeper form of self-expression.’
At the bar, I hear Sam ordering a ‘Trec’
for himself. The drink, a speciality of
this club, is a combination of absinthe
and crushed caffeine tablets. It is named
after Toulouse-Lautrec, a French artist
who drank himself to death. ‘If punters
FEATURE
are going to have to pay a tenner for a
couple of of drinks, they expect more
punch for their money,’ Sam shouts
at me. Meekly, I look at the menu. I
turn down a Trec, and consider a Mary
Celeste: four parts vodka to one part
Worcestershire source. I decide to try
the intruigingly named ‘Gringo Monk’,
a combination of mead, lime juice and
Tabasco sauce.
In the chill-out room, house DJ
Ermine Sopp provides a considerate
background, sometimes mixing long,
single tones together, sometimes I reckon I probably look
slowing otherwise familiar records
down to a third of their normal speed, like an uncle dancing at a
filtering them until they are little more
than a couple of wavering notes. wedding; I’m out of my depth,
Sometimes, he takes five minutes to
complete a single crossfade. The whole but drowning in Teraclub feels
room, about the size of a converted loft,
warm and comforting.
I reckon I probably look
like an uncle dancing at a
wedding; I’m out of my depth,
but drowning in Teraclub feels
warm and comforting.
is lined with acoustic tiles and furniture
upholstery, and sprayed with day-glo
stars, signs of the zodiac, and unicorns.
We are illuminated only by their eerie
bulcaret
phosphorescent glow and the lights
from DJ Sopp’s record decks.
Sam goes off to have a word with
Ermine. I sit and listen to the music, a
deep, plangent clarinet note. It seems
to come from inside my head. The
low lighting, the slow music, and the
imposed tranquility feels disquieting
but unthreatening. I feel suddenly
very weary. I am kept awake only
by the amorous activities of a young
heterosexual couple sprawled across
an opposite corner. Their behaviour
does not go unnoticed by a pink-suited
bouncer, who ushers them to their feet
and back into the club, using few words.
The clarinet metamorphoses into a quiet,
unsettling chord: an organ of some kind.
Sam has disappeared.
A Gringo Monk later, I take to the
floor. The music is at first confusing,
and I content myself by shuffling and
bouncing with my head spinning,
watching the crowd. My arms feel
lighter. I reckon I probably look like
an uncle dancing at a wedding. Yet
perhaps I look like every uncle at every
wedding, all at once. I’m out of my
depth, but drowning in Teraclub feels
warm and comforting.
Perhaps it’s the alcohol, or maybe
it’s the eye-rupturing video screens
around me, but my confidence grows.
The limping beat, which at first seems
to career uncontrollably, starts to make
perfect sense. I find the beat within
the noise and my head pounds in and
out of rhythm with my heart. Some
time passes. I cannot tell how long --
my watch no longer makes sense, and
Hyperstimulation plays havoc with
one’s biological clock. At some stage,
I remember ordering a drink, and yet I
don’t remember ordering it: I suppose
you really had to have been there.
I figure that Sam has long disappeared.
I make for the cloakroom. As my coat is
retrieved with paranormal efficiency, the
attendant speaks. ‘Sam wants me to tell
you he’s gone home. He ...’ Whatever
she was about to say, she thinks better of
saying it. Her half-smile and a knowing
glance suggest that there is more to the
story. I let the silence pass like a beat
between us, and eventually find myself
stepping outside. Immediately, all is
darkness, except for two miner’s lamps
scrutinising my taut, aching face.
Sucking in the night air, the sights and
sounds of Teraclub rattle on inside my
brain. Which way is home? I laugh:
the answer is, of course, every way.
When one arrives at Teraclub, the
first sensation is one of discomfort.
New arrivals are visibly nervous,
self-conscious and jumpy. The senses
succumb to the information around
them surprisingly quickly, and the mind
picks and chooses from the imagery and
the rhythm around it.
The complex drinks get to you in
bizarre ways. The discontinuous
information swimming through the
9
eyes and ears and body make no sense,
but eventually the brain gives in to
them: it has to. The world swims. At
once nothing is connected to anything
else, yet everything -- music, sights,
thoughts, places, and the people around
you -- become one phenomenon.
Your body resigns itself to its own
beat. Hyperstimulation overloads the
senses, fuses the mind, and leaves one
exhilerated. I emerged from Teraclub
feeling mentally, spiritually, and
physically satiated. I can’t say any other
club has done that for me for years.
The morning after, I am still reeling
from the impact of a thousand rhythms.
As my mind pirouettes, two Gringo
Monks, and the cocktail I can-and-can’t
remember, turn sympathetic somersaults
in my stomach. British teenagers and
twentysomethings, Sam argued to me,
are already Hyperstimulated. Television
is getting slicker and more rapid.
Computer games are approaching a
filmic level of realism. The Internet has
brought the whole world, its culture, its
knowledge, and its people, right into our
living rooms. We can demand anything,
and just about anything we desire we
can receive within a day. Each new
generation of electronic music is more
frenetic than its antecedents. Every new
rock music movement is louder, bigger,
si siht
bassier, than anything before it. We
livein a world where Class A stimulants
are eaten like sweets. We ask, and it is
given. We do not seek, yet still we find.
Such instant gratification makes deeper
spiritual satisfaction almost impossible
to achieve, and this is where Teraclub
comes in.
More conservative bystanders grumble
about youth ‘dumbing down’. They
are missing the point entirely. What
we’re seeing now is nothing short of a
revolution: an unquenchable thirst for
new meaning, for new information, and
for new stimulation. Whatever this may
be, young adults clearly want more of
it, they want it faster, and now they’re
getting it. Hyperstimulation.
I reckon they’re welcome to it. Sam’s
words reverberate inside my headache.
My hangover explodes painfully with
every heartbeat, as every thought blurs
with the ringing in my ears. The ice-cold
water which I am now forcing myself to
drink tastes like bile. I must have slept
through the revolution, I decide, as the
Schroedinger equation flickers again
across my consciousness.
10 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 27 February 2003

Student politics was a considered more important in the 70’s

More recollections from the Surrey Alumni Society’s “Blast from the Past” series.
This week, Colin Edwards (pictured below left) gives us a 70’s insight into the
topical subject matter of the sabbatical elections

IN THE EARLY 1970’s, only sabbatical stray by one of the court wardens. He kept a
post was the President of the Students dignified silence.
Union and once a year we had to vote Tom Poole won, but Orlando came a close
for one. The candidates were always: second.
A liberal (with a small ‘L’), a socialist Where upon SocSoc (Socialist Society)
worker, a truck driver, a Trotskyist, an called an emergency EGM, to complain
animal and a cartoon character. Even in that there was some minor constitutional
those days, no student would espouse right infringement.
wing politics. Although Orlando had been enrolled in
What happened was that the liberal would the linguistics department of the university,
be elected. This is because they used a he wasn’t a member of the NUS. (He had
transfer voting system, which resulted in the a B.Sc. in humanities and was intending
least unpopular person winning. There were to do a paper for his M.Phil. entitled “On
exceptions. In 1974 the raving left-wing the Social and Cultural Effects of War and
Andy Kypri, was elected. However he was Church on Baroque Meeowsic after the
such a nice bloke, you couldn’t vote against Thirty Cats’ War”)
him. Showing a characteristic lack of a sense
Famously in 1975 the election was between of humour, the socialists then came mob
Tom Poole, Steve Peach and Orlando the handed to the meeting and voted for a
cat. The nomination of a cat, was justified as re-election. This pissed everybody off
Above: Colin Edwards, whose website www.uossnaps.co.uk shows UniS
some sort of protest against student apathy, and Tom Poole got elected in again. and some of its students between 1971-77. Above right: Steve Peach and
by Mel Ingham (ex-president/truck driver). Later years candidates included “Lio” (below) Mr Tom Poole showing what presidents get up to all day.
Tom Poole went for the liberal non-scary (almost a Lion) and “Eric the half-a- Photos: Colin Edwards
vote, so was in with a good chance. Steve bee”. However unlike Orlando, they were
Peach’s chances were largely debunked withdrawn before the vote, to avoid the
by some wag starting a graffiti campaign
that said, “Steve Peach has a lovely bum”.
above problem.
You see students in the 70’s were more This weeks careers & skills talks
Orlando was a ginger tom, adopted as a politically active.
HOW TO SUCCEED AT ASSESSMENT CENTRES * ARMY*
WEDNESDAY 5TH MARCH | 2PM | LT B MONDAY 3RD MARCH
Another opportunity to attend a workshop The Army Recruitment Officer will be
on final selection procedures. This is holding formal and informal interviews in
Giving an effective presentation a repeat of the workshop held on 12
February.
the Careers Service. There are many and
varied career openings across a wide range
of disciplines.
EMPLOYERS OFTEN ASK students you get into stride for the rest
to give a presentation as part of your talk. The middle part If you would like to register with Careers, please email c.arrowsmith@surrey.ac.uk, or visit in person.
of the selection process. In a of the talk should be used to Please keep an eye on your University email and www.surrey.ac.uk/careers for the most up to date information
relatively short space of time develop your material in a
they are able to gain some logical fashion. Your finish
measure of your clarity of should be used to summarise
expression, organisation of
material, time-keeping and
your main points and perhaps
make a single impressive
This is the word-crossing crossword
self-confidence. If they can
DR RUSS CLARK closing statement. It’s also you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semeser
also obtain some evidence a good idea to plan enough
that you have a sense of time for questions. Apologies once again for the strange positioning of the crossword this week and the pos-
humour then that’s a bonus! “Employers seldom fail Try to practise your talk in sible impossibility of being able to read the clues. If it really is that bad, don’t strain your
You are usually told in candidates on the basis of advance if you can. Get a eyes and just put words in that will fit. barefacts@ussu.co.uk
advance what you will be one poor performance.” friend to listen and tell you
required to talk about. It how you are coming across.
could be on a subject of your Work hard to get the talk into
choice, or maybe a leisure the time you’ve been allowed.
interest or it could be related to the job you’re You will probably be penalised if you don’t -
applying for. If you have time, you can write or you might even be cut off in mid-sentence.
out the whole thing beforehand but it’s not a Highly embarrassing!
good idea to read it out word for word on the Finally, when you get around to delivering
day. Far better to write the key points on a the real thing - remember to project your
series of numbered index cards. As you come voice so that everyone can hear and try to
to each point during your talk it will remind make eye contact with each person in the
you what to say. room at some stage during your talk. That
The beginning and end of your talk are will make them feel personally involved and
the crucial parts. Try to grab their attention they will be all the more appreciative.
with something different from the usual “I’d Bear in mind that a presentation usually
like to talk to you about .......”. Why not try forms just part of the assessment. If it goes
something like “It was once said that .......” badly, try to put it behind you and throw
or “It is not commonly known that.....” as yourself into the next activity. Employers
a slightly more unusual way of introducing seldom fail candidates on the basis of one
your subject. A powerful opening sentence poor performance.
is a great confidence booster and will help www.surrey.ac.uk/careers
27 February 2003 VOLUNTEERING 11
More volunteering opportunities from the V project

After a week away from barefacts, Alli Cummings (right) returns

with five more opportunities to enhance your c.v. and help out in
the local community as part of the Union’s V-Project

APOLOGIES FOR MY absence in last weeks
Barefacts as I did promise a new V
opportunity every week. But to make
up for last week I’m actually going
to tell you about 5 opportunities this
week!
First of all are you a friendly person
who loves a chat? Well if so then
Guildford Club For The Disabled
could be the perfect place for you
to develop your communication and
social skills. Based at Jacobs Well
Village Hall (just on the outskirts of
Guildford), this is a social group for
anybody who has a physical disability.
Most of the members are wheel chair
bound and tend to be over 60 but are
extremely lively and full of life. The
club are desperate for volunteers to help
the club on their monthly outings to the
seaside, garden centres, day cruises and
various sights around Surrey. This is
a great opportunity for anybody who
is free on a Thursday afternoon and
the club are so flexible that you can
just help out once a month or you can
go along every week and help out at
the social club. The members love
talking to younger people and are so
grateful for your help they will even
pick you up and drop you off. The
only requirements you have is that you
like talking to people and are fairly fit
and healthy as you may need to push
a wheelchair on one of their outings.
The A Team took some of the club
Christmas shopping and said they were
an amazing group of people so you’re
sure to enjoy yourself.
Talking about the A Team (our
group of volunteers who run one off
volunteering projects), leads me very
nicely into telling you about the 4
other V opportunities. The A Team are
currently running some great events that
will benefit the local community and as
you might have guessed these projects
only need a one off commitment.
The Pitstop Café – are you free
on Saturday 1st March? Could you
help decorate a run down café for
homeless people? The café is based
at Leatherhead football ground and
you will need to be free for the whole
Saturday.
Kidsactive – This is event is on
the 2nd March and based in London.
Kidsactive are looking for volunteers
to help rebuild their playground so that
the kids with physical disabilities can
use their specially made bikes.
Go Habitat – Based in London
again, volunteers are needed to help
out in anyway possible with a special
house building project, to give the
underprivileged a chance at buying
cheap accommodation. You won’t be
expected to build houses though, you
are more likely to being adding the entertainment to just helping out on
finishing touches such as painting and the day.
woodwork. Date is the 8th March. As with all volunteering projects it
Jazz Dance – On the 22nd March, is important to remember that you can
The A Team have decided to hold an claim back all your travel expenses and
old fashioned tea dance for some local on the odd occasion you are even given
elderly people at the University. Its lunch at some of the A Team Events.
going to be a great afternoon where the If you want to get involved, then
elderly will be treated to afternoon of just contact me, Alli Cummings (the
music, good food and entertainment. V Co-Ordinator) by either popping Above: two
Loads of people still needed to help into the Student’s Union activity examples of the
opportunities you
with this event with anything from centre for a chat or by emailing me can experience with
promotion, providing the a.cummings@surrey.ac.uk the V-project

ALL YOU NEED IS HATE
THE DELGADOS | MANTRA
A beautifully sweet intro greets
you to the beginning of a mini
epic bouncing along with bags
of innocence. All You Need
Is Hate may suggest loud
shouting and screaming guitars
but the Delgados let out their
anger in a rather sweet and
joyous manor. A version of Mr
Blue Sky is expertly delivered
as recorded on the John Peel
Session that’s quiet stupendous.
seven | m.b.
PAYBACK TIME
THE DYSFUNCTIONALS | SONY
This is appears to be a remix
of some dodgy garage-rock
tune, but it’s been turned in to
a big-beat lump of cheese. The
punky distorted female vocals
sound really out of place, and
the result is that the whole
track is a mess. The singer
spells out ‘p-a-y-b-a-c-k’ and
it’s reminiscent of the T-U-R-
T-L-E Power song from the
ninja turtles movie. Obviously
this is no great accolade, and
you’d be best off avoiding this.
I can’t believe they’ve actually
released it as a stand-alone
single. three | a.c.
FILM INTERVIEWS
three pages of film (!) daisy clay talks bot-
including jackass the tom with rik mayall
movie, david cronen- whilst he’s on his visit
berg, the BAFTA’s and to the yvonne arnaud
johnny knoxville for “present laughter”
singles
SEX SELLS EP
STIFFED | COOLHUNTER MUSIC
Most people equate punk
music with bands that have
numbers in their name, kids
skateboarding over drum kits,
teen movies, songs about
getting dumped and the words
‘dude’, ‘gnarley’ and ‘triple
180 half-pipe fakey to ollie.’
However it wasn’t always like
this, so it’s nice to hear a new
MIDNIGHT band with an old-school classic
UN-CUT | WARNER punk rock sound, except shouty
Midnight is the new single from vocals have been replaced by
Mancunian trio Un-cut. It’s soulful melodies, as provided
essentially soulful, half-tempo by female vocalist Santi White.
drum’n’bass, the chilling-out-in- The vocals are good and there
a-bar sort, not the dark bass-heavy are some really interesting
hard and fast type. Apparently tunes, the whole EP is quite
it’s a re-release, as it was doing basic, but in a good way. Being
the rounds about a year ago, and quite punky, all the tracks are
it’s now been beefed up a bit. It’ll quite up-beat without being too
have you tapping away while you frantic, except for the last track
sip on your vodka cappuccino stay which is pretty chilled. If
(?), and if you like it laid back it I could change it in anyway I
might get you up to bust a groove. would have mixed the drums a
Nothing too frantic though. seven bit clearer and made the guitars
| a.c. THE DAY WE LEFT TOWN EP heavier. Overall, I thought it
MAGNET | ULTIMATE DILEMMA was good, although not great,
If there was one piece of music but it was pretty accessible so I
that instilled a sense of joy, bliss think most people would enjoy
ALMOST THE SAME and cheerfulness in a person, then it. six | t.d.
CLEARLAKE | DOMINO RECORDINGS
surely this is it. It is an absolutely
The first single to be lifted from their second album, ‘Cedars’ (reviewed incredible EP of melancholic,
elsewhere in these pages) – comparisons with The Strokes seem chilled out melodies. A perfect
inevitable in the current musical climate, though scores of other bands selection of four tracks guaranteed
both past and present would provide equally valid reference points. All to relax you instantaneously. Even
the essential ingredients are in place, with a driving bassline, melodic better than Whale mating calls!
vocals and a decent production job, so whether you like or dislike this eight | j.a.
will hinge almost entirely upon your feelings towards the genre. Since
I’m largely indifferent, I give this a six | j.d. I CAN
NASIR JONES | ILL WILL RECORDS
Nas has opted for a very stripped
back sound, against a very
sparse beat and a simple piano
improvisation of a classical
melody, whose name escapes me.
It is also an incredibly cheesy
attempt at endearing himself
to the younger generations,
and possibly the anti-rap U.S.
Senators, by having a load of
young-uns in the background
saying that you can be whatever
you want to be. A sound piece of
words by: al read | andrew malek advice there, kiddies. four | j.a.
| simon robinson | anna wheeler |
jonathan darzi | matty b | anthos
chrysanthou | jonathan howell
terje tjervaag | johnathan allen
if you are interested in writing for
the music team, then come along
to the cd hand-out in the media
centre on mondays at 5pm
27 February 2003
HYBRID LP
GARY NUMAN | JAGGED HALO
This is not the kind of electro pop that most people would associate
with Gary Numan, this is more along the lines of twisted industrial
noise. There is a definite Nine Inch Nails vibe, which is not surprising
as Flood and Alan Moulder (who worked with NIN) are just two of
the producers that Numan has pulled together to rework some of his
old tracks, including the classic Cars and Are friends electric. This
double CD is filled with heavy industrial sinth, moody beats, messed-
up guitars, and dark atmospheric noises; all inter-dispersed by some
nice orchestral pieces. Some really great tracks including the chaotic
Listen to my voice, the punishing Rip, Hybrid and Bleed which are
all pretty mental. I was pleasantly surprised by this LP, seeing as I’m
not a Numan fan, and would recommend it to anyone into industrial/
alternative music. It doesn’t quite have the musical imagination,
diversity or intelligence that Trent Reznor creates but it’s still quality
stuff. eight | t.d.
Thanks For Your Thoughts
rebelski | heavenly
Some readers may be familiar
with Martin Roman – whose
debut full-length release under his
Rebelski alter ego is under review
here – as the studio and touring
keyboard player for acclaimed
indie outfit Doves. As is to be
expected, keyboards and synths
THE ART OF LOSING feature heavily, but very little else
AMERICAN HI FI
about this album is predictable.
A few weeks ago, this reviewer From the mildly sinister strings
called the opening song from that fade in at the beginning of
this album of the same name a opening track ‘Three’ through
‘fantastic track’. Unfortunately, to the insistent piano loop
forthcoming single ‘The Art underlying the reflective ‘Dad’s
of Losing’ is the only slighly Hi-Fi’, Roman’s work eludes
original thing here, and I say any attempts at convenient genre
slightly as it steals lyrics from at classification, with elements
least 5 other songs. The rest of of funk, jazz and even Warp-
the album sounds like a bad mix esque percussion samples (on
of alternating Blink 182 and The ‘ Tiddlywink’) occasionally
Vines songs, and sees AHF drift permeating the atmospheric mix.
between pop punk and garage Always interesting and at times
rock. In fact, ‘The Breakup beautiful, this album deserves a
Song’ is so similar to Blink’s wider audience than it’s likely to
‘First Date’ that the pop trio receive. Don’t buy this expecting
could have reasonable grounds Doves-style catchiness as you’ll
for a lawsuit. The “street” lyrics be disappointed, but approach
of ‘Nothing Left to Lose’ with with a more open mind (as I
it’s periodic “holla back y’all”s forced myself to) and you should
and “all the bitches in the be pleasantly surprised. eight |
back”s are quite embarrasing, j.d.
and the latter half of the album
is so instantly forgettable it ALMOST CURED OF SADNESS
leaves you feeling that they STEPHEN JONES | DELF MUSIC
really should have gone back In spite of a depressing first
to the drawing board. “TAOL” impression, album title and candy
will be a big disappointment for skull cover in mind, Stephen
fans of their debut album, which Jones latest is full of hope and
had far more well crafted songs pending happiness. A collection
and actually sounded genuine. of nineteen ditties and ideas
This one seems like it has been that come across as sounding
ruined by record label pressure beautiful, profoundly original,
and money making motivation. quirky and odd all at the same
four | a.m. time. This quirkiness is perhaps
the first distinguishing feature to
be noticed on this album, but it
very quickly becomes apparent
that it is only a small part of Jones
special music. At the bottom of
this lo-fi, home cooked effort is
simply a firm base of great song
writing, childish innocence and
naiveté blended together to form
an album that grips you at the first
listen and won’t let go. nine | t.t.
MUSIC
TOGETHER: THE BEST OF...
REEF | SONY
These longhaired Indie rockers,
Reef take nine hit singles and
five new tracks in basically an EP
of new material with a few hits
thrown in to motivate its purchase.
Don’t get me wrong I was once
an admirer when they were in
their prime but hits such as Come
Back Brighter now sound tiered
and irrelevant. The only joys
come from the legendary and
now Union favourite Place Your
Hands and equally rapturous Set
The Record Straight. In eight
years they have achieved a couple
of hits but continually scraping
the barrel to prolong a career gets
tiresome. four| m.b.
CEDARS
CLEARLAKE | DUSTY/DOMINO
Vocalist Jason Pegg of Clearlake
would seemingly have us believe
he’s suffering from most mental
illnesses out there. Believable
concept or not, it actually
seems to work quite well for
cedars second album. From the
wonderful mad-scientist organ/
piano and appropriate lyrics on
Mind Is Evil, to the Radiohead-
esque orchestrations, both in
instrumentation and vocals on the
relatively uplifting Treat Yourself
With Kindness, this is a take on
Madness by an obviously very
capable band of four. It makes
for a refreshing change to hear a
group that works their lyrics so
well into the music as Clearlake.
Treat yourself with kindness, they
say. Buying this album would be
a good start. eight | t.t.
13
albums
JUST ONE MORE
MAD CADDIES | FAT WRECK CHORDS
It’s a mish-mash of punk, rock,
indie, ska, reggae, Country and
Western saloon-style music and
plenty more. The opening track
‘Drinking for 11’ starts off like
your bog standard yank-rock
ballad, until you get hit with a
reggae beat and a track that, god
forbid, sounds like UB40 crossed
with Less Than Jake. Now if you
thought that was odd, the title
track ‘Just One More’ sounds
like Space with a trumpet and a
small knowledge of Spanish! The
theme for the album is set right
from the outset, which is a huge
uncertainty of what you’ll find
next. Once you realise what on
earth is going on, this is actually
a very catchy and, dare I say it,
addictive record. seven | j.a.
ESTUARY ENGLISH...
VARIOUS | MEMPHIS INDUSTRIES
This varied seventeen-
track compilation marks
the milestone 25th release
from Memphis Industries
since the label’s inception in
October 1998, and, as clichéd
as it undeniably sounds, it
can only be described as
‘eclectic’. Inevitably, then,
enjoyment will depend heavily
on personal preference. So
while standout tracks include
the lazily acoustic ‘Saturday’
by J. Xavarre, whose soft
vocals instantly recall those of
alternative icon Perry Farrell
(definitely a good thing in my
book), along with Broadway
Project’s eerily ambient
‘Femme Fatale’, I can summon
little enthusiasm for the likes
of ‘You’re So Vain’, The Black
Neon’s ‘80s synth-laden take
on the legendary Carly Simon
number with lyrics read by a
detached, robotic monotone.
The majority of the remaining
tracks washed over my dulled
senses in a suitably unarresting
manner, which isn’t to say that
they’re not worth listening
to, just that I personally
wasn’t sufficiently moved
by them. Certainly worthy
of consideration by the more
adventurous music enthusiast,
perhaps best left alone by
anyone else. six | j.d.
16
Dumb, dumber, stupid and
just plain ridiculous
With opinions you would never read in oth-
er newspapers, Paul Wright gives Johnny
Knoxville and his chums the thumbs-up
JACKASS THE TV series certainly has a
proven formula; take some cult skate,
snowboard and extreme sports stars, add
some confirmed masochists, throw in some
cameras, a healthy slab of production budget
and voila: guaranteed greatness in the eyes
of young males everywhere. Every one
of us has a story to tell of an incident that
could be part of one of the shows and part
of the appeal is that we could see ourselves
carrying out some, if not all of the stunts.
The shows consist of nothing more than a
number of 1 - 2 minute sketches involving
either pain, duping the public or pushing the
barriers of TV censorship limits. And most
of the time with laugh-out-loud results.
Jackass The Movie does little to extend this
format other than in the literal sense. With a
run time just shy of one and a half hours the
movie is three times the length of a normal
FILM
episode and yet does not feel overly long.
Opening with one of the very few
Hollywood quality stunts, we are introduced
to the cast through a game of pass-the-punch
whilst they ride a shopping trolley hurtling
down a deserted, smoke filled road towards
the inevitable fruit stall. This whole scene
feels very polished and somewhat out of
step with the rest of the film as it is shot on
film rather than video and the sense of flow
in the editing is strong.
After this opening scene the rest of the
movie reverts back to standard Jackass with
unconnected sketch following unconnected
sketch. To review this as a film would be a
mistake as it contains none of the considered
normal items that one might attach to
films. With its isolated sketches the idea
of plot is thrown wholly out the window
and with it goes character development or
even acting ability (as long as we neglect
Knoxsville’s worthy attempts to remain in
character whilst returning a hire car used in
a destruction derby or pretending to be an
OAP shoplifter).
Some have likened it to classic spoof
documentary films such as Spinal Tap but
there is little to compare between the two:
Jackass has no illusions of grandeur and
does not attempt to be any more than it is,
a clip show of incredibly brave or stupid
stunts. The only moment of conceivable
tenderness comes during one of the final
sketches that involves X-raying an anally
inserted toy car as Steve-O talks about his
A quick press-conference with the JackAss folks
After the screening of Jackass The Movie
the assembled press were then bussed to a
half hour press conference with the director
Jeff Tremaine and some of the cast (Johnny
Knoxville, Steve-O, Chris Pontius and Dave
England). Instead of having a transcript of
the questions and answers session, here’s
a Jackass style collection of disjointed
factoids and thoughts:
Part of the Jackass philosophy is that
girls don’t do any of the dangerous stunts,
apparently once in the past a girl took part
in one and got hurt. “Guys getting hurt is
funny, girls getting hurt isn’t.”
The scene involving the ‘less lethal’
ammunition (a bean bag plus stabilising
ribbon instead of a metal slug) and Johnny’s
stomach has more to it than meets the
eye. Firstly when we see him at the end
of the range looking particularly morbid
and serious one of the factors was that this
was the third attempt, the previous two
had grazed past his arm and leg. Secondly
since that footage was shot the ‘less lethal’
ammunition has been removed from market
as it allegedly wasn’t considerably less
lethal.
The appeal of Jackass, in the words of
Steve-O: “...it’s funny because people like
to laugh at accidents, its primal humour. We
have accidents on purpose and it’s okay to
laugh because we’re laughing too.”
Jackass has not been sued by people injuring
27 February 2003
family and his reasons for not doing the
stunt himself.
Though it may be thought that such a
proposal might not work, Jackass The Movie
manages to pull it off - this could have easily
been a DVD or video sold to skaters and
borders. But by releasing it at cinemas they
have ensured that it will break through to the
mainstream cinema-going audiences and
still do respectably when finally released
as a DVD (with no doubt deleted scenes
included.) If you are a fan of Jackass then
go, see it and cry with laughter; if you have
no idea what it is then be aware it’s not what
you would consider an “average film”.
themselves after watching the program,
however they have been sue by a man who
changed his name to Jack Ass, apparently
the program ruined his reputation.
The only stunt that was deemed too
dangerous to attempt was a recreation of a
guy getting his head stuck up an elephant’s
arse and then falling over. The fear was that
the elephant might either sit down fully or
run away and break a neck.
Johnny Knoxsville cuts a charismatic
image even whilst churning through the
thousandth press conference. He has got
a couple of upcoming films on the cards
already, including Grand Theft Parsons in
which he will star, and had a supporting role
in Men In Black II last year. Although the
transition from Jackass to Hollywood isn’t
guaranteed, you can be sure of one thing;
should Johnny Knoxville ever claim to have
done all the stunts himself you’ll know he’s
not lying.
27 February 2003
The most famous (exploding) head in cinema
Film editor Jolyon Hunter takes a look at the creator of
numerous distinctively strange films - David Cronenberg - and
comes to the conclusion he is as persuasive as he is provocative
OVER THE LAST thirty years or so, the
expression "Cronenbergesque" has
gradually entered the vocabulary of
film buffs everywhere. Clumsy though
it is, it’s also the only economical way
of identifying the distinctive flavour
of the strange films David Cronenberg
has been unleashing on the world.
Sure, a film like Shivers contains all
the gore and debauchery you’d expect
from a project with the working title
Orgy of the Blood Parasites, but how
does that square against adapting
of an award-winning transsexual/
espionage/opera Broadway play, M.
Butterfly? And exactly how does one
get from the most famous exploding
head in cinema history to a sensitive
character study of identical-twin
gynaecologists without passing the
square marked "critical dismissal"?
Perhaps we should start at the
beginning. Cronenberg lit out in
the late 60s, like so many others,
with a series of experimental shorts.
Uncommonly, he writes as well
as directs the vast majority of his
projects. This has helped no end in
enabling critics to classify his films
in terms of exploring his personal
obsessions: a suggestion which might
occasionally be cause for concern.
He stood out from the crowd of
student film-makers from the start:
a highly-educated Canadian Jewish
college dropout who’d been majoring
in biology, he brought a pronounced
in
VOTE
[1]
BAREFACTS
elections: see pull-out section
sense of detachment and reserve to
his own weird tales: early art-house
pictures like Stereo casually deal with
themes of scientific experiments, drug
therapy, "polymorphous perversity"
and advanced states of disease.
Shivers (1975) was his first feature
film to gain much recognition –
"Marshall Delaney Reviews The Most
Perverse, Disgusting, Repulsive Film
He Has Ever Seen", that sort of thing
– and it securely bolts Cronenberg’s
more clinical inclinations on to a
demented gore-flick chassis. Coming
across like a high-art combination
of H.R. Giger and Reefer Madness,
Shivers still has the power to shock
and thrill today.
More experiments followed,
with Cronenberg’s idiosyncratic
"body horror" steadily becoming
more palatable to the mainstream.
Through 1980’s infamous Scanners
(telepath wars; Patrick "The Prisoner"
MacGoohan; several heads explode)
up to 1984’s surprise blockbuster
smash The Fly, Cronenberg continued
to develop his obsession with using
graphic violent and gooey imagery
to provoke extreme responses from
his audience. As he put it (speaking
in 1985): "We’re going to do this and
show it to you. It’s not going to be
easy, but if you look at it, it’s going to
take you some place else. It [is] never
just gloop; it [is] always conceptual
gloop."
pull-out
FILM
Such conceptual gloop probably
reached its apotheosis with 1983’s
Videodrome. Starring James Woods,
Videodrome starts out as a taut and
sinister thriller about an executive
for a pornographic television station
who discovers secret transmissions
which appear to be live broadcasts
from some sort of torture chamber.
However, things aren’t quite that
simple, and Woods finds that the
censors’ worst nightmares are true:
exposure to these transmissions really
is damaging his grip on reality. Soon
enough, he’s falling into a vividly
hallucinatory waking nightmare,
experiencing progressive
"He tells me that even
old flesh is erotic flesh,
that disease is the love
of two alien kinds of
creature for each other,
that even dying is a form
of eroticism." Shivers (1975)
degeneration and mutation into
something else even as the dark
forces behind the transmissions seek
to manipulate him to their own ends.
It’s a harsh, gruelling, fascinating
film. The effects are spectacular and
occasionally repulsive, but it’s the
bleak and increasingly sinister story
that stays with the audience long after
the credits have rolled.
The extraordinary knack for
dealing with the bizarre, ugly
and uncomfortably sexual that
Cronenberg exhibited in Videodrome
and his other early works encouraged
a lot of spectators to draw
comparisons to transgressive novelist
William Burroughs. Burroughs and
Cronenberg certainly seemed to share
an interest in specifically deformed
versions of regular science-fiction,
and it came as no great surprise when,
in 1981, Cronenberg announced
his intention to film Burroughs’
infamous, "legendarily unfilmable"
1953 novel The Naked Lunch.
Naked Lunch finally hit the box
office in 1991. Very freely interpreted
from the novel, the movie included
passages of direct biography from
Burroughs’ life as well as wholly
original sequences. It was critically
acclaimed on release, but box office
takings reflected its source material,
and many Burroughs fans dislike it.
The convoluted plot, which revolves
around abusive sex, drug addiction
and paranoid schizophrenia, means
that this film in particular is not for
everyone.
Since the unprecedented commercial
17
www.salon.com
success of The Fly, however,
Cronenberg has reined in the
conceptual gloop, and it’s led to a
series of films which have strayed
further and further from his popular
image as "Dave Deprave": both Dead
Ringers (1988) and Crash (1996)
have held back the gooey excesses
of earlier works in the service of
increasingly sophisticated and
distinctive projects which seem
to work towards more recognisably
human concerns.
Dead Ringers in particular is a
remarkably haunting film. It’s
the complex story, loosely based
on true events, of identical-twin
gynaecologists Elliot and Beverley
Marcus (Jeremy Irons). Business
partners and in most senses life
partners, their tenuous symbiosis
is driven into jeopardy when one
and then the other fall for the
same woman (Genevieve Bujold).
Cronenberg maintains a detached
but keen perspective on this bizarre
love triangle, and without running
into sentimentality or sensationalism
produces a sad, deeply affecting
film. 1983’s The Dead Zone – from
the Stephen King book – is another
noteworthy film in this melancholy
vein.
It’s hard to think of another
writer/director whose work has so
consistently challenged and assaulted
its audience as a means to presenting
more complex ideas: the best of the
early films leave a long, lingering
sense of disquiet and turmoil in their
wake. As provocative pieces of film
that clearly have at least pretensions
to something higher than schlock
cinema, they are second to none.
Nowadays, however, his films
are becoming more naturalistic.
Cronenberg’s constant fixation can
be said to be the human condition:
the inevitability of eventual loss and
separation, of death, and of trying to
find faith in a strange world. These
concerns are present in the early
films, but often obscured beneath
special effects and overwhelmingly
bleak atmosphere: later works
have allowed the development of
a distinguished tone and emotional
depth that makes them finally as
seductive and persuasive as they are
David Cronenberg:
director of films with
somewhat surreal themes
provocative. and purveyor of disquiet
18
Jolly good show from all concerned
A look at the poor man’s Oscars - the BAFTAs
- and who walked away with what last Sunday
from the man in the know, Jolyon Hunter
WITH STEPHEN FRY hosting, there was
little doubt that this was the *British*
Academy of Film and Television
Awards. His well-spoken, self-effacing
performance sprinkled liberally with
quintessentially English humour
emphasised the fact that this was a
truly British affair.
The show itself started with a double-
whammy of Catherine Zeta-Jones and
Angelina Jolie presenting consecutive
awards - the remainder of the show
having a very tough time living up to
this start. Zeta-Jones, heavily pregnant,
would later return to stage to collect a
Best Supporting Actress award for
Making a monkee of the classic film
HEAD STARS THE Monkees. Large parts
of it were written by Jack Nicholson.
It takes two and a half minutes for
the group to appear once the film has
started, and when they do, they are
running for their lives and screaming
in terror, despite the fact that nothing
is actually chasing them. Then the big
stupid-looking one (Mickey Dolenz)
jumps off a suspension bridge to his
apparent death.
It gets creepier from there. If the last
paragraph gave you any problems,
it might be an idea to go and read
something else, because this isn’t
going to get any easier.
One of the truly fascinating things
about the Monkees was that for the best
part of their career, they were bitterly
Hey hey: they’re
the monkeys unhappy. Constructed as a
FILM
“Chicago” (“the windy movie” as
Fry quipped). Angelina Jolie sounded
positively English when she presented
Best Supporting Actor award for
Christopher Walken’s performance in
“Catch Me If You Can”; all that filming
for Tomb Raider 2 must be having its
effect...absolutely.
Perhaps an indication of how the
Oscars will (not) go, the British
Academy awarded a number of gongs
to Roman Polanski’s “The Pianist”,
including the biggies - Best Director
and Best Picture. The film also
picked up six awards at the French
film festival (the “Cesars”), and also
captured the Palme D’Or at Cannes.
It’ll be interesting to see if the Oscars
go the same way <insert politically
inflammatory comment here...if you
want. Alternatively we could all try to
get along>.
Speaking of politics and all that jazz,
Pedro Almodovar made a rousing, if
unintelligible Anti-War speech upon
receiving the award for “Best Film
HEAD
BY JOLYON HUNTER
pleasantly photogenic pop group, a
Boyzone for the 60s, things clocked
along fairly well for the first two TV
series and a brace of progressively
more listenable albums. For any such
group, however, there’s a point when
all those frustrated-artist tensions come
bubbling to the surface. Nowadays,
people in such positions start earnest
side-projects or beat up air hostesses:
back then, the Monkees decided to
make a movie.
Commercially, it was an unmitigated
disaster: it never actually saw theatrical
release in the UK, where Monkee
stock was at a historical low anyway.
The US hated it too, although on
consideration it’s not hard to see why:
Head is a deeply disturbed film, and
buried amidst its absurd stream-of-
consciousness narrative is a great deal
of nagging social commentary. Anti-
Vietnam sentiments, drug use, graphic
violence and plenty of broad satirical
intents combine into a spiteful froth that
really wouldn’t "play" to the Monkees’
avowed screaming-female-teenager
audience. Of course, counterculture
types naturally hated the Monkees: it
is not wholly unreasonable to suggest
that no-one wanted to see this movie.
One of the reasons that Head makes for
such a distinctly unsettling experience
is that … well, it was made that way
on purpose. Most scenes are played
Above: Nicole Kidman giving a wave to the cameras whilst Daniel Day-Lewis abandons the usual at-
ire for a cobbler on his way to picking up the best actor BAFTA. Photos: courtesy of www.bbc.co.uk
not in the English Language” (catchy
huh?!)... this was for his film “Hable
con Ella” which also received the
award for Original Screenplay.
The Best Actor and Best Actress awards
went to Daniel Day-Lewis (“Gangs of
New York”) and Nicole Kidman (“The
Hours”) respectively. Best British film
went to “The Warrior” with, rather
aptly, Best Adapted Screenplay going
to “Adaptation”. Interestingly, the
film overlooked in this year’s Oscar
nominations, “Road to Perdition”
received awards for Cinematography
and Production Design. Philip Glass
straight despite being
patently nonsensical,
the script is littered
with verbal and visual
non-sequiturs, and
scenes are cut fairly
randomly: Head looks
as though around six
different films have
been randomly spliced
into one misshapen
lump. There is very
little by way of a stable narrative.
Brazenly satirical in intent, the film
launches occasional sniping attacks
at pretty much anything it feels like:
American society and the constraints
of the Monkees’ own manufactured
identity are particularly frequent
targets. A surprising number of these
hit home, whether you sympathise with
the group or not. Otherwise, it can just
be enjoyed on the merits of its sheer
weirdness.
As a taster, some of the rather odd
things which happen in Head include:
a teenage audience invading the stage
at the end of a song and tearing the
Monkees to pieces; people pretending
to be dandruff and getting sucked into
a vacuum cleaner; factory workers
drinking industrial waste and getting
their heads chopped off; and two
Monkees irritably acting out a scene
from a Western before getting bored
and proceeding to trash the studio.
In terms of songs, the film is stuffed
with (then) brand-new numbers. None
27 February 2003
won the Anthony Asquith award
for achievement in film music,
with “Chicago” winning the Sound
category.
“Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers”
received the award for Sound Effects,
and was also voted “Film of the Year”
by the General Public. All in all, a good
year for film... with The Matrix 2 and
3, X-Men 2, Harry Potter 3, Lord of
the Rings 3 and of course Tarantino’s
return with “Kill Bill”, 2003 is looking
to be another good one.
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
of the "hits" show up, but a good
number of the tunes are genuinely
excellent – even if you’re not a fan
of the group in general (I’m not,
incidentally, but the songs in this film
are great). It definitely beats Yellow
Submarine musically.
One of the strengths of Head is that the
production values are fairly high: whilst
several scenes are deliberately filmed
to give the effect of being unfinished
"rough cuts" (complete with visible
cameramen and clapperboards and so
on), the effects and visuals are first-
class. There are big dance numbers,
blatant appropriations of footage from
other movies, vox-pop sequences – it’s
uncannily like watching some sort of
prehistoric The Day Today.
Trite summary time: Head is a very
strange movie that you will probably
either love or hate, depending on how
cool you are. It occasionally turns up
on Channel 4 and is still available on
video.
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
27 February 2003 LITERATURE & POETRY 19

poetry The Tragedy of Life Cry wolf

by Katy Saunders
Looking at Ian McEwan’s work once
Beauty abandons me,
again, literature editor Chris Ward dis-
In favour of a dark and forboding self, covers another theme the Booker prize-
One so twisted and ugly
It cannot be looked upon by human flesh.
winner explores majestically: atonement

Pain - fresh and raw,
Stinging as salt does in a self-inflicted wound,
Sadistic and completely necessary -
Washes over me
In an awesome wave of realisation and truth.
I feel strangely elated,
And yet I have hit rock bottom
With a fantastic force greater than all things of this cruel
And somehow victorious earth,
And I crawl on my stomach.
I sob and weep at the satire,
The natural ease with which the body degenerates
Before the soul can even begin to appreciate
The pain and fear and simple terror I feel,
To be alone and lonely in the world again.
How paradoxial, to be free
And yet feel so incredibly trapped!
How ironic, that freedom should be granted
Just as I no longer desire it!
And how typical that my Maker could be the breaker
Of my spirit, love and hope.
How tragic life is.
From the
w i n d o w
of a great
mansion,
13 year-old
Briony Tallis
watches
as Robbie
T u r n e r (the charlady’s
son) appears to be forcing her older sister
Cecilia to unclothe. Briony’s misguided
preconceptions cause her to spy on Robbie,
and when she finds a piece of evidence, she
informs her parents straight away. Robbie,
innocent of the accusations, is arrested by
the police and taken away. As World War
II begins he is forced to sign up as a result
of his crimes, and the novel accordingly
jumps a few years ahead to when Briony is
forced to admit that she was wrong. Thus
begins her period of atonement – where she
must pay for her mistakes, if such a concept
exists.
McEwan has a reputation for probing
taboo, and including little human truths
that don’t tangibly occur to you until you
read them in his book. Have you ever done
something terribly wrong that you wish you
could make better? An unfolding of events
that you would give the world to undo and
start afresh? Of course you have. The one
truth that McEwan outlines in this excellent
piece of literature is that no matter what
your original intentions were, the thought is
never what counts if something goes wrong.
Sometimes it is not possible to atone. The
lorry driver who couldn’t stop in time when
a young child runs in front of the vehicle…
can he ever bring that child back to life?
Even though it was not his fault, he was the
one at the wheel, therefore he becomes the
scapegoat.
McEwan’s novel contains what you would
expect of a continuously developing talent.
Although this book missed out on the Booker
prize (unlike Amsterdam in 1998), it boasts
many strands of rich language and provoking
concepts. Perhaps the one explored the most
is the longing for forgiveness… the wish to
walk into a room to see those who you loved
and wronged with the warm feeling that all
is forgotten.

Starlight
by Terence Rojas
Staring heaven ward
We think we see hope die
When yesterday’s stars no longer shine
Now in light of day with raised eyes
Staring heaven ward at fiery incandescence
Starlight ushers us into a new dawn
Where hopes born of wondrous desire
Kept alive by phoenix like passion
And of humility blessed by silence
At the beauty of it all
Simple starlight sings across the world
© 2003 Mind Ink

in
next page

BOTTOM’S UP

daisy clay interviews rik mayall

20
RIK MAYALL IS considered by many to
be one of the best British comedians
in the entertainment world, renowned
for his loud, rude and often violent
characterisations and his unique
comedic style. I therefore think, and
hope, that most of you will know
exactly who Rik Mayall is – the man
behind the Bottom! Born in 1958,
both his parents were drama teachers
allowing him to begin acting at an
early age. His acting career later took
off after meeting Adrian Edmondson
(a.k.a. Ade) at university, where both
of them studied for Drama degrees.
They formed a partnership then which
has remained strong ever since and still
plays a big part in Rik’s life, whereby
they have starred together in numerous
successful comedies and continue
to work together now. Rik probably
became most famous with the 1980s
cult hit The Young Ones, which he
starred in and co-wrote with Ben Elton
and Lise Meyer. He is also famous for
the comedies Bottom and The New
Statesman, and the films Guest House
Paradiso and Drop Dead Fred.
In 1998, Rik suffered serious head
injuries in a quad bike accident,
putting him into a coma and onto the
critical list. However, he made a full
recovery and is once again engaged
with an extremely busy acting career.
He is currently touring the UK with
performances of Present Laughter,
a play soon to be presented at the
Yvonne Arnaud Theatre in Guildford.
Last week, he took some time out from
his busy schedule to talk to me in an
exclusive interview.
From the moment the interview
Rik Mayall:
began, I was faced with a lively,
survived a quad ac- enthusiastic and comical man, strongly
cident, in which he passionate about acting as a vital part
received life-threat- of his life. He was actually just as you
ening injuries, and
made a full recovery
would expect having seen any of his
to continue his comedies – bold, eccentric, unique
comedic ways and absolutely hilarious. Naturally, his
THEATRE
The funny man who refused to drop dead
Rik Mayall found fame as a Young One and soon went south as he
created Bottom. Daisy Clay (left) spoke to him while at the Yvonne
Arnaud and found he has the odd naughty word or two up his sleeve
sense of humour was fantastic, and he
joked sarcastically and with much irony
throughout the interview. However, it
is crucial that I clarify one important
point: in reading over the transcript of
mine and Rik’s conversation I noticed
that when reading certain quotes he
may well come across as overly self-
confident, or even conceited. From
talking with Rik, I can certainly say
that he is neither of these things. In
one way or another, he often referred
to himself as being extremely talented
and brilliant, although he then reassures
that he is just having a laugh. He even
called himself a “huge international
celebrity” – but at any rate, in my
opinion, with the acting talent he has
and the success of his career he has
every right to be just a bit confident.
In beginning the interview he was
quick to declare that “the play’s
f**kin’ brilliant, Rik’s brilliant
– enough said”. This was, of course,
said humorously although he stresses
that this statement is entirely true. In
telling me about Present Laughter, Rik
could not have been more enthusiastic,
making it thoroughly clear just how
highly he thought of the play.
“I play a psycho-
pathic shagger who
is heading towards
middle age, a bald
head and drinking
too much. I was
born for it.”
Written by Noel Coward, the play is
described as ‘one of his finest and
funniest comedies’, with Rik referring
to him as “one of the best playwrights
of the twentieth century…he can write
a good joke or two…thousand”. Rik
was quick to highlight a potentially
important social feature of the play,
in that it was written in 1937, two
years before WWII, and is now being
performed possibly two months before
the next world war. During the interview
Rik made numerous other political
references and seemed interested in
current affairs, showing his slightly
more serious side. However, he then
joked about how he was really just
trying to sound intellectual because, in
talking to a student, he felt he should.
Nevertheless, this connection with the
current political state of affairs helped
to confirm his grounded nature, despite
his fame.
When asked how performances of
Present Laughter had been going so
far Rik passionately replied “beyond
fantastically wonderful…excellent”,
describing the play as “one of the best
pieces of theatre around”, saying he
was really enjoying the performances.
In Rik’s own words, “the play
is basically ‘full of love’…it’s a
reaffirmation of the goodness of
humanity, but also shows what bastards
we really all are”. He plays the lead
role of Garry Essendine, a comedy
actor and ‘devastatingly handsome
egotistical charmer’ whom everyone is
infatuated by. Rik personally described
his character as a “psychopathic
shagger” who is heading towards
middle age, balding and drinking to
much. He then carried on to say that he
was “born to play this role” because
“Garry is Rik through and through”!
Besides his general enthusiasm for
the entire play, he was particularly
keen to mention the “fantastic,
super-funky costumes” as one of the
many must-see features of the play.
In a fantastically perfect illustration
of Rik’s conversational style (which
continually made me laugh throughout
the interview), he referred to the girls’
outfits as “blow-job fantastic”.
Anecdotally, Rik told me how Present
Laughter had actually opened on the
night of his wedding anniversary with
wife Barbara, so he invited her along
with the best seats in the house. She
then got to spend the night watching
him “snogging loads of girls”, which
he joked had been a nice wedding
anniversary present for her.
Rik is undoubtedly most famous for
acting in comedies, although he has
also played numerous other different
roles. I asked him what his favourite
role had been and why. He explained
how he has been onstage since the
age of 8 (he is now 44) so is now in
a position where he is able to choose
whatever he wants to do from a pile of
scripts, making each role a favourite
at the time. He adds, however, that
he still absolutely loves Bottom and is
still working with Adrian Edmondson
(Ade). He jokily described Ade as a
“talentless twat” who is very clever
in latching onto talent and living off
their money, saying how he “leaches
and drinks, but is a good typist” and
goes to Rik when he runs out of ideas.
27 February 2003
However negative this may sound,
Rik is undoubtedly very close to Ade
describing him in previous interviews
as being like a brother and as his
closest friend.
Besides acting, Rik made it clear
that there really was nothing else he
had ever wanted to do saying how it
is all he’s ever done and all he’s ever
wanted to do. He “enjoys showing off
and making money”. In his current
play, he exclaimed, he gets paid for
snogging, which can’t be a bad thing!
He continued by saying how he had
actually gone into acting just to be
interviewed…interviewed by students
in fact……He then went on to say that
when I end up working for a newspaper
like The Times or similar that I could
interview him again as a follow up
article…I shall hold him to that!
In terms of theatre acting as compared
with television or film acting Rik says
he prefers neither as he enjoys it all. He
has numerous acting projects planned
for the future, including work with Ade
with whom he still goes on tour.
In discussing actors and other famous
people who have influenced him, Rik
cited Tommy Cooper, and said how
Peter Cook had always been a hero
of his. He then strayed slightly, asking
himself “who haven’t I shagged yet?”
and then naming Amanda Holden. At
this point he admitted to being “a bit of
a perv”. He also has “the hot’s for one
of the BBC Business Correspondents”
but didn’t know her name, asking
me to get him her number so that he
could…well, umm.
It is evident in much of Rik’s comedy
that the work of Samuel Beckett has
been a strong inspiration to him and
he has also been involved in numerous
productions of ‘Waiting For Godot’.
27 February 2003
He says now that Beckett is
“perpetually” an inspiration to him,
and that he plans to perform another
of Beckett’s plays, ‘End Game’, with
Ade. Rik has played each character in
‘Waiting For Godot’, except for the
character of Lucky. However, he then
adds that he knows Lucky’s speech word
for word – a remarkable claim, which
he followed up by actually reciting the
speech! For many of you who have
not ever seen or heard this speech, you
will wonder why I was so impressed
– Lucky’s speech is very long, very
complicated, and totally nonsensical,
and I would say it is actually worth
looking it up just to be impressed at the
idea of someone knowing it verbatim!
He then clarified why he had actually
chosen to learn this piece, confessing
it is actually the voice warm-up
THEATRE
exercise he uses before going onstage.
In reference to his accident in 1998 he
said that it also helps to test his memory
since his brain was ‘mashed’, although
he says he is now fully-recovered.
Despite touring the UK, Present
Laughter will not be going to the West
End (“it’s too expensive now, what with
the congestion charges…”) as Rik will
be involved in other future projects, so it
is advised (by Rik himself) that you see
it now whilst you still can. Many of the
tour venues actually sold out completely
and it is likely to sell out in Guildford, so
the advice is to buy your tickets as soon
as you can. However, you can always
turn up an hour before any performance
for the good chance of getting those
fabulously priced £7 student tickets.
Present Laughter really is guaranteed to
be fantastically funny
and entertaining – with the combination
of Noel Coward’s comedic talent for
playwriting and the ever-comical Rik
Mayall I truly believe that you can’t
lose.
Rik was once quoted as saying he
was a difficult person to interview, so
I challenged him on this, to which he
frankly replied that it was “bollocks”
and he had probably just been trying
to make himself sound interesting. He
was not at all difficult to interview
– the interview was in fact a very
amusing and enjoyable experience with
a really lovely and terribly funny man.
He summarised Present Laughter in a
way that I could also summarise the
interview: “f**kin’ brilliant”.
WHAT THE NIGHT IS FOR
Obviously I was looking forward to
the play, having been a devoted X-
Files fan for many years. Although
I wasn’t sure what to expect as I
had never been to see a play before.
We had excellent seats, one row
from the front, and courtesy of the
Mayor’s ‘Get in to London Theatre’
scheme they only cost five pounds.
Gillian Anderson was the staring
female and Roger Allam was the
staring opposite her. They were
playing ex-lovers who met up again,
after both of them have moved on
and had families of their own. It’s a
bit of a generic story line. Ex-lovers
meet again, not happy
Preview: Stones in his pockets
Marie Jones’ joyous comedy,
‘Stones in His Pockets’, is simply
and ingeniously staged, masterfully
performed and guaranteed to
entertain, when it comes to
Guildford’s Yvonne Arnaud Theatre
on Monday 3rd – Saturday 8th March.
Originally presented by the Lyric
Theatre in Belfast, it has since had
a sell-out season on Broadway, won
countless major awards and is now
in its third year in the West End.
The real life of a small Irish
community collides with the
wonderland of Tinseltown when
a major Hollywood film studio
descends on a village in County
Kerry. The absurdities involved in
21
Above: Gillian Anderson, currently starring in What the Night Is
For. Photo: www.gilliananderson.ws
with their lives and are debating
getting back together. Saying that
though, there are a few twists in
the story that keep you interested.
The characters are bought alive by
the excellent acting and there is
enough explanation in the script so
even I could understand what was
happening right from the beginning.
The only disappointment for me
was that Gillian Anderson wasn’t
allowing people to have photos
with her after the performance. But
I suppose she’s the star and its her
prerogative. It was still a nice way
to spend a Saturday afternoon.
words: catherine biggs
making a movie are observed from
the worm’s eye view of Charlie and
Jake, two of the many locally hired
extras earning £40 a day to look
oppressed and starved on demand.
As the story unfolds, just two
talented actors brilliantly bring
to life over fifteen extraordinary
characters including the spoilt
American star, the crew and the
last remaining extra from The Quiet
Man.
Performance times are Mon -
Thurs 7.45pm; Fri & Sat Eve 8pm
and Thurs & Sat Mat 2.30pm, from
Monday 3rd March to Saturday 8th.
Student standbys available 1 hour
before performance for £7.
27 February 2003
Why do ballet dancers nearly always spin towards their right side?
Sam Madeley introduces Spin - an innovative dance piece based on a clas-
sic question of dance - and highlights that students are more cultured than they
would believe themselves
CONTRARY TO POPULAR belief us students
are relatively cultured when it comes
down to it. We like music, go and watch
films regularly and have diverse opinions
on the sort of music we rate as adequate
listening. Some of us may even be budding
thespians and like a spot of ‘…to be or not
to be…’ once in a while but to be fair at the
end of the day the majority of our cultured
generation would run a mile at the thought
of enduring a dance performance. One of the
great hidden treasures of UniS is the onsite
performance venue that’s regularly visited
by professional dance companies every
month. If you do nothing else this year at
least try something new…it may not be as
arty farty as you think… (Engineers: I’m
talking to you especially!)
‘Spin’ is an innovative new dance piece
based on the question ‘Why do Ballet
dancers nearly always spin towards their
GU2 radio broadcasting again on 1350AM
AFTER A COOL 4 weeks on 107.3FM GU2 has
now returned to 1350AM. During the day
we play the best mix of upfront hits, current
favourites and some great classics. After 7pm
we host some of the best specialist shows in
the UK, with DJ’s spinning everything from
hard house to hip-hop. Whatever you like,
from Jazz to Jungle we’ve got it covered. At
the moment the schedule looks like this:
For up to date news and information
about the station make sure you check out
www.gu2.co.uk. There’s a full list of all the
promotions and competitions we’re running,
as well as full frontal nude shots of some of
more beautiful presenters.
If that wasn’t enough, March the 1st sees
GU2 celebrating its 2nd birthday. Yes, it’s
been 2 years since GU2 started transmitting
on 1350AM to the University of Surrey. In
that time, campus radio at Surrey has been
transformed from a bit of a joke to the Best
Student Radio Station in the UK. A bit of a
GU2 & DANCE 23
right side whilst Kathak dancers always turn The fifteen strong team of ‘Spin Doctors’
towards their left?’ is comprised of professionals and students
Everyone must have seen a glimpse of alike; specialists in each of their own fields
Classical Ballet at some stage in their lives, be that music, dance or design. Leading
whether in the theatre or on TV whilst the them in the creative process are staff from
Christmas Turkey sits vengefully in your the School of Arts, Jennifer Jackson and
stomach, Kathak however is little known Noni Jenkyn Jones who have developed
in comparison. To those of you wondering ‘Spin’ from a practical research into
what I’m going on about Kathak is a form of ‘specific underlying structures and the
Indian classical dance which uses rhythmical creative chemistry between music and dance
footwork, hand and facial gestures to convey across the two dance forms’.
stories about various Gods and Goddesses The show is part of Guildford’s International www.neathcameraclub.com
from Hindu religion. Music festival and will be performed in
The general consensus is that classical the Music studio in the PATS Building on
dance forms, both Eastern and Western are Saturday 8th March. Due to popular demand
redundant as a means of artistic expression three performances will be held at 4.30pm,
but ‘Spin’ manages to quash this theory 6pm and 7pm. Purchase your tickets by
through outstanding collaborations between phoning the box office on 01483 99999. Go
the music and movement which is enhanced on, it won’t kill you and even if it does its
by the use of film specially devised by video only three quid! …What else are you going
artist Deveril. to do on a Saturday night?
BY GAZ DAVIES
www
dot
kick in the cobblers to all the other radio
stations who’ve been trying for years.
gu2
To celebrate the fact that GU2 is 2 year old,
we could bake a big cake and everybody
living on campus could have a slice, but no,
dot
we’ve got a better idea. From March the 1st
GU2 will be streaming over the internet on
campus. If you’re hooked up on campus you
co
can listen in. Also, everybody’s invited to
the Helyn Rose Bar on Saturday March the
1st from 10pm to join in with the birthday
celebrations. Featuring ‘The GU2 All-Stars’
dot
on the wheels of steel it should be a cracking
party.
Don’t forget that if you’ve liked what
uk
you heard and think that you’ve got
something to offer the station email
getinvolved@gu2.co.uk. GU2 is always on
the hunt for new talent.
24 INTERACTIVE 27 February 2003

Week 5 Answer: This was a nice blue bin

that I saw outside Titanic. I took about
30 photos of this bin. I like the way you
can see the reflection of Uni Court in the
Quiz
This week’s lyrics quiz may well be the last in a relatively long line of reader-written
windows. contributions, for Mr Ben Wren has been so good as to write this week’s. It is, he says, “a
lyrics quiz based on a few sort of classic and not so classic love songs” and he’s not wrong
Week 6 Clue: I’ve said I wanted to do one - there are some classics in there and the odd one or two that have an unusual way of telling
from the other side of campus. Well here someone what they think of someone.
you go. chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter If you would like to follow in the footsteps of Ben and those before him, send your list
of ten lyrics to barefacts@ussu.co.uk and await your offering to appear in thi hallowed
position. That way, you can enjoy people’s frustration in lectures thanks to your cunning
lyrics choice.

[1] who knows how long i’ve loved you? you know i love you still
[2] my mouth fell open, hoping that the truth would not be true
[3] what is that that drives me mad? girls like you that i never had. what is it about you that
i adore?
[5] when you go away i’ll miss you, and i will be thinking of you
[6] i saw the lamplight from your window
[7] i took her to the jewellery store i said diamond she said pearl
[8] just one thing she doesn’t know, i stole her underwear
[9] massive killer orb, hovering around, looking for a spot to blast the good guys on the

Who wants to be a millionaire?

ground
[10] so i put that gun to her head. she said ‘baby let’s go to bed’

well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down

£100: by what name was Queen Victoria’s husband known?
a: prince victor | b: prince phillip | c: prince albert | d: prince naseem

£200: what is the main charactereristic of a person described as ‘extrovert’?

I can’t seem to find the words
that’s because this is a word search
“
a: shy | b: clumsy | c: greedy | d: socially confident
definitely maybe was not only a great
£300: glucose is a form of which substance?
a: salt | b: sugar | c: acid | d: oil

£500: what does the latin word ‘circa’ mean when written before a year?
a: until | b: born in | c: around | d: after

£1k: which group had a massive hit with ‘Take My Breath Away?
a: chicago | b: boston | c: berlin | d: geneva
“ album but also an oxymoron

£2k: what did the Romans call a market place or public square?
a: curia | b: basillica | c: forum | d: noman

£4k: which of these president was not a Republican?

a: gerald ford | b: richard nixon | c: george bush | d: jimmy carter

£8k: which Italian model had a number 3 hit in 1988 with ‘Boys (Summertime Love)’?
a: spagna | b: sabrina | c: selina | d: semolina

£16k: whose third law of motion states that “every action has an opposite and equal
reaction”?
a: newton’s | b: boyle’s | c: einstein’s | d: avagadro’s

£32k: where would you find fiddles on board a boat?

a: at the top of a mast | b: in the binnacle | c: around the edge of table-tops | d:
on the anchor
Chris Tarrant vs. Anne Robinson in
£64k: if a chemical substance is volatile, what is it likely to form? a bout to decide the world quiz-host
a: acid | b: vapour | c: compound | d: liquid heavyweight championship of the
world. Who would win? Your thoughts,
please: barefacts@ussu.co.uk
£125k: what can be described as “Flemish bond” or English bond”?
a: thatched roofs | b: ploughing styles | c: arches | d: brick-work
Returning triumphant for another week is the now familiar wordsearch.
£250k: which of these waves have the shortest wavelength? The litlle diatribe for this week concerns how you cross out the wrods
a: gamma rays | b: x-rays | c: ultra-violet rays | d: infr-red rays when you find them on the word-search. Some poeple circle the letters
whilst others cross through. I’m probably in the crossing through camp,
£500k: which city is home to the 8th century “Book of Kells”? but this tends to make finding the other words difficult and so I can
a: edinburgh | b: london | c: oxford | d: dublin sympathise with those who circle.
My only problem with the latter is that it looks very untidy and you need
£1m: which of these colours does not appear on the national flag of Lithuania? a steady hand to make the finished article look neat. Let us know your
a: blue | b: yellow | c: red | d: green thoughts on the matterbarefacts@ussu.co.uk.
27 February 2003
Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give
a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings
within Battersea Court Rawson…
SOME of you may know that last week
Battersea Court was without hot water for
3 days. On the 2nd day I wandered into the
kitchen and went to make a cup of Earl
Grey tea. Where there used to be 1 kettle
there were now 2! I thought that I had
double vision, so for a while I banged my
head against the oven. After realising that
there really were 2 kettles, I bandaged up
my head and proceeded to make an express
cup of tea. Basically to do this you put
half a cup of water in one kettle, half in
the other kettle, and switch them on. Hey
Prescott! You have an express cup of tea!
QUIETLY sniffing in the subtle lemony
aroma of the Earl, I thought back to my
GCSE science days, and wondered whether
a 6-month-old kettle would heat water
faster than a brand new kettle. So I got the
kettles, emptied them out, and then poured
exactly 1litre of cold water in. To make
sure they each had equal power I took them
off the double plug and gave them a wall
socket each. The results? Well actually I
set them boiling, got bored of waiting and
went into my room and missed it… so I did
it again and this time I got the results!! The
new kettle won by under half a second!
I FINISHED the cup of tea and then started
to think what possibly could happen in
order for them to give us another freezer
(which is what we really need!). We get an
ant infestation, and we get given another
fridge. We get legionella in our hot water,
and they give us another kettle. Hmmmm…
. How about if a miniature volcano erupted
from the grass in front of the library!! Due
to the extreme heat, that way we’re sure to
get a freezer!! Right then I’ll get digging,
but first…a nice cup of tea.
chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter
LIFESTYLE
WE’VE lived through the perils of the killer
pharaoh’s ants, we’ve suffered the anxiety
of having a Bacardi thief in our midst
but last week we at Battersea Rawson
unfortunately encountered a slightly more
serious problem – our water became
infected with Legionella Bacteria, more
commonly known to most as the stuff
that can cause the dreaded Legionnaire’s
Disease. On Tuesday night we were
informed that our hot water supply was
being switched off because of this, and
before the serious reason sunk in we were
all more worried about smelling than
popping our clogs. Neil, however, claimed
that this really wouldn’t make much of a
difference to him, since his weekly shower
is on a Friday anyway! However, after a
phone call to home, where my mum (ever
the calming influence) told me not to worry
but that the survival rate if I got ill was
about 50%! Luckily we were only without
water until the Friday, and so far no one
is ill… but if you smelt something bad on
campus last week, it was probably someone
from Battersea Court!
LAST night the Rawson Phenomenon
reared its rather comical head again. Being
in a bit of a rush before heading off to
the Union, myself and a friend decided
to succumb to the evils of pizzaman once
again. After a phone conversation in which
the pizza man came out with “Rawson,
where is that? Is it on campus?” we
settled down to some mindless TV eagerly
awaiting our pizza. After about an hour
and still no pizza, we decided to give them
a ring back and this time we got “I could
not find Rawson, where it is? Opposite the
launderette? But I do not know where the
launderette is!” I am starting to wonder
whether Battersea Rawson is actually in
some kind of parallel dimension. Perhaps
it is really a mirage, only visible to those
of us lucky enough to live in this lovely ant
and virus infested building. Maybe that’s
why nobody ever comes to visit us!
‘ickle sarah butterworth
Upside-down answers
Lyrics quiz: [1] “i will” - the beatles
[2] “tearjerker” - red hot chili peppers
[3] “at the library” - green day [4] “san
dimas high school football rules” - the
ataris [5] “promise me” - beverly craven
[6] “everyday hurts” - sad cafe [7]
“monosyllabic girl” - nofx [8] “my sexy
girlfriend” - hi-standard [9] “death star”
- the presidents of the united states of
america [10] “today’s bargain” - radish
WWTBAM: [£100: c]; [£200: d]; [£300:
b]; [£500: c]; [£1k: c]; [£2k: c]; [£4k:
d]; [£8k: b]; [£16k: a];[£32k: c]; [£64k:
b]; [£125k: d]; [£250k: a]; [£500k: a];
[£1m: a].
25
L ife After The Womb
words: rich w
Spending a lot of time doing my favourite thing recently. Travelling on The Tube. Not
only is it a tube, though, but a network of all these tunnels, all very-readily signed so that
you know where you are going to and if you get lost you know were you are going to so
that you can change where you end up. Not like being on a bus where you’re not quite sure
which bus-stop you’re supposed to get off until you reach the end and you know you’ve
gone past where you were hoping to go.
Escalators. Posters. People sticking chewing-gun onto the posters because they couldn’t
find a table to stick it under and stickers saying “I don’t buy E$$o” - not that they would
because most of them are famous and would make their drivers get out and pay, only to
reimburse them later. And the speech bubbles are always the right way around: they must
have two sets of stickers or know how to reflect in the y-axis on their graphics-design
package.
The ticket barriers that know where you are going and where you have been and whether
you have cross-London transfer on them. Only to cross London, mind, and certainly not
to poke your head above the surface at more than one station. But if you only did it once
then you could spend all day travelling around on The Tube and not actually go anywhere
except where you wanted to and just take a lot longer than everyone else is expecting you
to take.
Brown and Bakerloo. Blue and Piccadilly. Pink for Hammersmith and City. The last
one was the short straw: poor old Hammersmith and City: none of this lovely bold Green
or Yellow of District or Circle but instead Pink. Not even vibrant, just Pink. Northern so
moody in Black - walking up the middle without a care in the world. Waterloo. Euston.
Kings Cross (mind the escalator). Marylebone. Mary! The bone! Except Mary was
French and it was therefore “Mary: le bone!” Is bone a masculine word? If it isn’t then it
should be.
What’s with Docklands Light Railway? Have you been on it? Very good it is - takes you
to Canary Wharf if you want to, though I’m not sure what a canary might need with a
docking area. Looking for relatives, perhaps? Anyway, it starts high - not as high as the
top floor of Canary Wharf, I’ll give you that - and then ducks down into Bank on Central
Red. Quite a jaunt it is, especially standing on the swish circular bit it has in the middle to
ensure that smooth cornering ability. Point being it doesn’t have a bold colour - stripy, it is.
That’s the price to pay of being the fashion, you see.
Picking up other people’s newspapers because they have left them behind. The Metro.
It’s free and has a circulation of some 1.4m. How come - it’s always a day old? Short
articles. Lots of pictures. No wonder Harry Potter is so popular of late. What happened to
The Beano? Is Roger the Dodger still about?
Not many Daily Mirrors, some Guardians, lots of The Times and the very occasional
Independent. Financial Times serving a similar sort of penance as Hammersmith and City
for some reason and going with the Pink, sometimes successfully depending on whether
there is any red on the cover.
Always a copy of The Sun by the time I get to Waterloo. Either I’m actively looking out
for it or it is actively looking out for me. Mind, it’s a newspaper so it must be the former.
Very trusting at WH Smiths now, aren’t they? Drop your money in that little coin-receiver
(well, it’s not a dispenser) and take away your paper. If you’re going to nick a copy of The
Independent then you’re certainly not going to read it, are you? And The Sun is only 20p
so you don’t lose much.
I know it’s 20p because it says so in extraordinarily large type on the front. 20p it says.
Bigger than the headline. Inflated sense of self-worth, that.
Page 3 girls. I remember a time when I used to be the same age as those girls that appear
there. Now I’m older. Still undecided as to whether that’s a good thing or not. Why do
we need to know where they are from? Rebecca from Norwich. Oh right - should I pop
around to visit and wish her all the best with her career? Enquire as to how she can twist
her waist such that her nipples can be in the same picture as both cheeks of her bottom?
Why page 3? If you’ve bought a paper, likelihood is that you will turn over the first page.
Why not page 36, then? I suppose it depends if the paper costs 20p or not. I wonder how
much of the 20p the page 3 girl sees? It might vary depending on whether she can display
the nipple/both cheeks skill or not. You’d have to be 19 for that.
Mainline.
www.thetube.com. Harry Beck: a wonderful man.
26
almost accurate astrology
because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive
words: jessie taylor
Aquarius
As the great Yuri Yakovich said,
‘never let a bishop probe your
weakness’. You would do well
to heed his advice this week as impulsive
aquarians may find themselves in an
uncomfortable situation on Monday. Don’t
go into attack, just hang back and ride over
the rough spots till balance is restored at the
weekend.
Pisces
Fulfilling any long-cherished
dreams becomes a reality this
week as you emerge from a period of
unrest. You are now finally ready to be
tickled in all the right places so take full
advantage and expose yourself.
Aries
Some minor troubles may
plague you throughout the next
week. If you run up against a problem
that can’t be solved, for once you can bury
your head in the sand and wait for it to pass
whilst always remembering the ancient
proverb ‘a lettuce is sure to creep into the
constituents of the meal’.
Taurus
Love is in the air for some lucky
taureans this week, now the
anti-climax that is Valentines day has died
down you can get on with some seriously
sensual snuggling. As for the rest you may
find romance at home, but why they always
have to use your bedroom is beyond you.
Gemini
Some good ideas that you have
had recently could remedy
problems no-one has been able
to resolve. Take care though, although they
say lightening never strikes the same place
twice, that doesn’t mean you should feel
comfortable once you’re out of hospital.
Cancer
Your concern over what kind of
mother you’ll be is admirable,
not to mention rare for such
a young man. This period of maternal
emotion sees a transformation in your love
life especially with the imminent full moon.
LIFESTYLE
Leo
You should be feeling very
pleased about what life has
to offer at the moment. The
cryptic clue that you should be answering is
‘Turning a switch on for the girl’. Sounds
like it could be good news for all involved
and looking back you can be thankful you
aimed as high as you did.
Virgo
You’re debating with yourself
whether to rely on your animal
instincts or go with a more
conventional analysis of situations. Trust
yourself - don’t you remember being told
you had ‘speed of puma, ear of bat’?
Libra
Naturally, everyone has a
reason to kill you this week,
and although you’d like to hole
yourself away in an isolated French
manor house, you must face the
music. Watch out for those who
may proclaim you the new John F
Kennedy. He had charisma and style
and a massive gunshot wound to the
back of the head.
Scorpio
Why not try some nude
gymnastics to view things
from a fresh angle? Though
take note, it is important that people know
where you are standing on important
issues otherwise the photos could
be quite embarrassing.
Sagittarius
All the wishing
in the world can’t
change a recent
disappointing mark, but animal sacrifices
have been known to work wonders. Just
remember weasels have very sharp teeth
and can be vicious if provoked.
Capricorn
If you live your life by the rule
of thumb that is ‘never arrive at
the cinema until all the adverts
and trailers have finished so you can sit
straight down and watch the film’ beware
the danger of sitting down hurriedly in the
dark and impaling yourself on the drinks
holder.
27 February 2003
hot & sweaty words: victoria venning
It struck me the other day how truly bizarre my visits to the gym really are, now don’t
get me wrong, I’m all up for a bit of exercise and enjoy the fact that just a hop, skip and a
jump away from my campus room is a place were I can go to get my heart racing and my
muscles stretching. So there I was in my rather tiny sports shorts (please note: at no other
time would I wear anything that small) with my mini-disc player on full blast in a vain
attempt to take my mind
off the fact that I was, in
actuality running as fast
as I could but not getting
anywhere, (yeah I know
that’s what’s supposed to
the facts of life happen on a treadmill, but
still...) whilst at the same
time watching a far-away
television screen with the
sound totally muted and
trying to avoid my ever
reddening reflection in the
wall of mirrors directly in front and to each side of me. I’m sure there must be some reason
behind these mirrors; encouragement perhaps - ‘Wow, I don‘t look quite as out-of-puff at
2.5km as I did last week’? to check out your muscles? to check out other people’s muscles
behind you?, I’m not sure, but all I do know is that I’m not too keen The last thing I want
to do when I’m exercising and have almost an entire necklace full of sweat beads running
down my face, my hair stuck to the back of my neck and my skin all blotchy and pink, is
to look at myself in the mirror and have a realisation of what other people are seeing when
they look in my direction Now I know that none of us look particularly attractive when in
the middle of a work-out (although I’m sure the ever beautiful Mr and Mrs Pitt still sparkle
in the gym) it’s just I’d really rather not know. So there we all are, rows and rows
of us, running, cycling, rowing and stepping, with everyone perspiring,
dripping and panting, but hey, it’s all ok, because apparently that’s
what you do when you’re in the gym.
If during the week you feel quite bored, then I can
recommend www.blogjam.com/despot_or_sexpot as a nice
way to pass your time. Not only will it amuse you, but you
can also test your moustache recollection skills by deciding
whether a displayed photo of a moustache belongs to either
an evil world dictator, or an American porn star. I only
scored 9/16 on this site, and apparently that shows that I had
a “sheltered upbringing”. Put your speakers on for a rather
amusing rendition of that Carman Boreha… although it does
get very annoying after a few loops!
The architect Mies Van Der Rohe once said: “Less is
more”, so a couple of people decided to set up a website
(www.the5line.com ) where you can submit a picture of
yourself… drawn with a maximum of 5 lines. Browsing
through the pictures in the gallery you’ll be amazed at how
much you can actually draw using only 5 lines. You can
either scan in a drawing and submit it, or do one in any paint
program and submit it. I did one the other day, although it
probably wasn’t good enough.
words: chris hunter
w w w. u s s u . c o . u k / e l e c t i o n s 0 3
27 February 2003
Surrey’s footballing aces take
Roehampton to the cleaners
A CRISP DAY at the Fortress Varsity saw the
second annual battle of the Federal Cup
between the respective Surrey institutions
last week. Each of Roehampton’s teams
compete in higher BUSA divisions than our
top three XI’s, but the men’s football Surrey
Aces were determined to do their part to
ensure the Cup would be secured in the
Manor Farm vault for the next 12 months.
Fixtures against Roehampton are always
hotly contested affairs and these were no
different, with crunching tackles flying in
early doors from all quarters. The 3rd XI
recorded the most comfortable winning
margin with goals from Duncan Ayres
(more a one-two with the goalie after he
fluffed a penalty), Wallace and Mike Green
securing a 3-1 triumph. Captain Powello
masterminded the victory with a Man-of-
the-Match performance in the heart of the
Surrey defence. The 2nd XI weren’t phased
by the throng of opposition support heckling
from the sideline and a 1st half wonder
strike from Neil Johnson soon shut them up.
A rousing half-time pep talk from captain
O’Sullivan inspired a fantastic second half
performance with our backs against the wall
for the most part. Roehampton levelled with
over half an hour to play and squandered
chances to take the lead, but Leon Bishop
for one was not prepared to share the spoils
as he calmly slotted in the Surrey winner.
Toby Spalding was a rock in defence and
personals
To the cute girl who was at the Dr
Strangelove screening Friday night:
please get in contact. P.
Hope all my sexy birds and buds are
smiling? Lots of love from Basingstoke
xxx
Could you please advise on the
constitutional procedure for complaint
against
a serving president?
Oi ginger - don’t hide it Howard.
So Howard, why don’t you just be
natural?
Howard, we all know the truth...
everyone knows howard, you ginger
ninja
Granny... we love you!
Bring back photos from Union nights on
the web site!
I don\’t think anyone reads this. I
clearly requested pity valentine cards
last week, yet none turned up. What\’s
your excuse?
SPORT
BY DAVE ‘JONAH’ JONES
University of Surrey 1st XI
Roehampton 1st XI
University of Surrey 2nd XI
Roehampton 2nd XI
University of Surrey 3rd XI
Roehampton 3rd XI
claimed Man of the Match, and no player
gave less than 100%. On the 1st XI pitch
a smashing performance from Toby Farmer
made the difference in a closely fought
match, which looked to be heading to a
1-1 draw as the clock ticked down. Club
Chairman Scouse, in his final university
fixture, had other ideas and rose gracefully to
nod in Farmer’s cross in the closing minutes,
to complete his brace & the USFC hat-trick
over our tough opposition. Naturally an
evening of celebrations followed, highlight
of which had to be Scouse’s dancing &
stripping antics on stage. Well done boys!
For more information of the day and
general sports discussion, check out the
bulletin board on www.ussu.co.uk
no-one fancies you
TEAM EATON IS COMING
Go on chris, pop the question!
Idiot outgrown village requires small
town!
Uni Court House 58 would you like some
eggs with that!
Hell Is For Heroes March 22nd, see ya in
the pit!
Poo’in’rah don’t think this is gonna
work, isn’t it?
GU2 says: we only wanted to give
everyone else a chance.
Happy Birthday Axe Man! Hope you
have a great night. Gell xxxxxxxx
It is true! Hence forth, Tuesday 18th
February shall be known as Men’s
Pyridine Survival Day! AYE! or is that
AZE!
K, vibrators cause televison
intereference you know? love, HM
Christie, nice teeth.
2
1
2
1
3
11 PA UniS Stingers make it to Europe
1
BY DAVE SKINNER
WITH THE PA Knights naming their European
squad to represent the UK in this years EFAF
cup (equivalent to the UEFA Cup), 11 of
this years PA University of Surrey Stingers
squad can look forward to joining 7 former
Stingers in the Knights European campaign.
The PA Knights have so far named 55 of
the 60 man roster who will, this year, play
against the Swiss national champions and
the no. 3 Austrian team in what promises to
be very exciting match ups. The games are
to take place at the end of April and start of
May with the Knights first facing the Zurich
Renegades from Switzerland on Sunday
27th April at the Varsity Centre, Guildford.
The Following Thursday, the Knights fly to
Innsbruck, Austria to take on the Tyrolean
Raiders in the 17,000 seat New Tyrolean
Stadium in a game that will be broadcast
live on Austrian TV.
The Knights squad (in alphabetical order
by position)
Quarter Backs: A Heath (former Stinger),
W Mayers
Running Backs: A Ashaye (former Stinger),
thinkin of u adam sexy guy
evan...check the mens loos in the HRB.
you can’t be serious with this Rent-A-
Shag thing? and why are you going for
men now?
Cameron i wouldn\’t have to keep telling
you if you remembered the understood
the first time
Just shut up & .....
Mandles and me to the moon and back.
XX
Oi Webbie! Hey u sexy boy of the whole
uni! Your sweeter than the sweetest
pineapple lollipop!
we wish we could spread cinnamon
butter all over u! Keep smiling Yugoslav
girl! ;-)
sexy spaniard! dont let that mouse
nibble too much because ur running out
of cheese!
i love u....u know who this is for...sexy
BOY!
oi webbie! ur sexy t-shirt is so nice!
27
P Fulford, G Hart, M Saunders, R Scruby
(former Stinger), A Stitt, D Tobin (current
Stinger), P Wakeford
Tight Ends: N Budd, R Camplin, R Ellis
(current Stinger), K Lettman (current
Stinger)
Wide Receivers: J Allen (former Stinger),
S Belcher, J Clark, R Edgerton, A Gilley, D
Graham (current Stinger), J Wyse
Offensive Line: P Biscombe (former
Stinger), D Carpenter, B Kenton, K
Keohane, M Lockwood, D Nesbeth, P
Setterfield, J Shepherd (current Stinger), D
Skinner (current Stinger)
Defensive Line: S Clackson, C Cook, G
Duarte (current Stinger), S Harrison, T
McKenzie, M McMillan, R Rochester, D
Sweatman, J Vaamonde
Line Backers: S Gray, B King, J McLees
(current Stinger), T Porter, G Robbins, S
Sadaba (current Stinger), S Scrivens, S
Stonelake, M Tomas
Defensive Backs: J Cashman, A Grist
(current Stinger), S Hollingdale (current
Stinger), A Mitchell (former Stinger), G
Neilan, C Saylor, P Waddington
i cant stop staring at it! so am i
stonewash or no wash?
Sexygirls you are too kind too me! From
Sexyboy
Hey,u,sexy Nicky, I’ve never seen anyone
looking sweeter than u with your hood
on! xxx
Please... no more threesomes... I’d prefer
a bit of 1 on 1 next time!!!!!!!
Whatever happened to the surrey scoop?
Some people get offended by everything.
what mark lost his bag?
You have made an honest women of me
now!
are girls supposed to have dimples in
their backs?
death
submit a personal
online:
www.ussu.co.uk
naughty
28 27 February 2003

SURREY PRIDE
University of Surrey bring home the Federal Cup
BY RICHARD WATTS

University of Surrey 8
University of Surrey (Roehampton) 3

THR UNIVERSITY OF Surrey completed an

8-3 victory against opponents Roehampton
in the second annual Federal Sports Day,
thus claiming sweet revenge for the draw
that saw the trophy go to Roehampton
last year. With sterling performances by
the three men’s football teams leading the
way, UniS recorded what was in the end a
comfortable victory over their federal rivals,
completing a successful year against the op-
ponents from just down the A3.
Vice President Sports, Denise Goodwin,
said: “I’m delighted that we have won and
that the trophy can come back to Guildford.
We were disappointed not to win outright
last year and so to win convincingly this
time around makes the day all the better.
Thanks to Roehampton, though, for keeping
us on our toes.”
Following the day, the Vice Chancellor
Professor Patrick Dowling and Rector of
Roehampton, Dr Bernadette Porter, joined
Ms Goodwin at the presentation of the cup
and congratulated each university on their
sporting achievements displayed throughout
the day.
Later on that evening, the Wednesday
Night Out at the Union saw the launch of
this year’s Colours Ball. This year’s event
is to be held at Savill Court in Egham,
following on from last year’s successful
event there and will take place on Friday Above: a Roehampton player hands the Federal trophy over to a UniS player as the Guildford based uni claim victory in the second
16th May. annual Federal Cup between the two universities. Photo: Paul Wright
Tickets cost £45 for those that are involved
in sport and have paid their participaion
fees, £50 otherwise, and are available from
the sports office
Federal sports day men’s football match
Triumph for squash team at national championships
reports on page 23.
UniS player becomes divisional national champion at BUSA’s in Birmingham
LAST WEEKEND SAW Surrey’s finest (well BY CHRIS PETCH
the squash team!) travel to Birmingham
to compete in the BUSA Individual’s was suffering from a lack of sleep, brought
National Championships. We had entries about by the ridiculous workload of a final
in two of the five divisions and with the year; we don’t really need to say what
first round matches scheduled to start at degree, do we? Paul battled to cope with
2pm and registration at 12pm, an early the conditions on the court, (similar to the
start was required on Friday morning. Not Serengeti) and his tiredness. He played well,
our strongest point! Still we all made it up competing with his opponent all the way,
Above: Dr Bernadette Porter, Rector of safely and found ourselves in good spirits until loosing at the very last to the eventual
Roehampton, the VC and Denise Goodwin upon arriving at the courts. Then we were winner of the division. So with Friday over,
at the presentation. Photo: Paul Wright informed that the first matches were not just two of the Surrey lads were left in the
until 8pm for some of our players! So eight main draw. After the delights of the ‘Guild’
Sports writers and hours to kill at Birmingham Uni Sports (Birmingham’s Union), the lads were ready
Centre! So off we went to the hotel to check for a hard days competition. Chris and
match reports in and relax for a while. Upon returning to Martin Page progressed through opposite Surrey in the final the next day. No problem
the courts some time later, Chris Petch got sides of the draw through to the semi finals; ensued, with Chris’s great shot making,
If you are interested in writing the Surrey boy’s off to a good start with it was looking good for an all Surrey Final length and width proving too much for
sports articles for barefacts or if a convincing win in four games. Mike on Sunday morning! Chris dispatched of his his opponent. The weekend proved a
you have a sports story/match Willmoor competed well (considering how opponent, with clinical efficiency and the good chance to get a look at some of the
unwell he was feeling) going six points clear minimum of effort, whilst Martin struggled competition for the team event, and Surrey
report, then please email our new
in each of his games, hitting winners from to cope with his opponent’s level of fitness, are now feeling pretty confident as we have
sports editor, Eddison Ruswa on unbelievable positions, fading towards the going down in straight games. So it was just a Divisional National Champion in our
ce21er@surrey.ac.uk end at the crucial points. Paul Chance Chris left to get glory and revenge for team!