Pantheon Comics #8:

"A Nick In Time"

Digest by the White Knight

Chapter One: Twas the night

by Joe Grendel

Grendel's Pond
Bar and Grill

"I don't know, OzBat," Joe stared at the sign, "I'm not real comfortable with those sorts of
gimmicks."

"Ah, I reckon you just need help getting into the holiday spirit!" He bamfed over to a
table, clutching a tablet in his hands. "Have you two decided?"

Dom and JYu looked up from their menus wearily. They'd been trying to tackle the twin
headaches of holiday shopping and trying to arrange for workmen to begin repairing the
comic shop two weeks before Christmas.

JYu sighed.

"The grilled margarita chicken is new, isn't it?"

"Yeah," the imp nodded. "Joe ripped it off from Chili's. He's still working on the recipe,
but it's pretty good."

"I'll try that."

Dom scanned the menu.

"I'll have the crab-meat quesadillas, OzBat," she looked up, frowning. "Getting into the
holiday spirit yourself, aren't you?"

"And what would you like to drink with what did you say?"

"You've grown a little gray beard, OzBat," JYu laughed, "You look like a little wizened
Christmas elf!"

OzBat flew up into the air, looking in the mirror that (deep breath), was above the fish
tank, behind the bar, above the liquor bottles and next to the fraternity paddle. (Thanks,
Spiff, for bringing that mirror back!)

"It's not holiday spirit," a frightened OzBat squeaked. "I'm OLD!"

 Chapter Two: A Nick in Time
by Mope

Dec. 17th, J Street

Mope's Apartment
10:40 AM

A tired mayor sleeps. He dreams of stellar voyages, quantum physics, and lost loves. He
dreams and dreams

BRR-IIIIIII-NNNNNNNN-GGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Mope: Wha? Huh? (looks at alarm clock) Ah 6:30. Got plenty of time to get suited up and
down to my first official day as mayor.

Getting out of bed, Mope's secret-alarm Underoo's RIPPPPPPPP. Mope looks down. His
Underoos (his only pair BTW) are shredded, tattered, and generally nasty looking; like
they've been laying in a sheep pasture for a few decades.

Mope: Ewww. Gross.

Mope flexes slightly and the Underoo's easily slide off his White-Dwarf powered self into
a nasty little heap. Mope reaches out with his hand and causes the Underoos to disappear
into sub-atomic nothingness.

Mope: Hmmm I haven't used those since my pre-Retcon, pre-"Dark Skulker" days
anyway. Oh well.

Mope showers, shaves, relaxes, eats breakfast (Cookie Crunch, coffee, lemonade, more
Cookie Crunch), played a little Risk on his PC, polished his boots, watched an episode of
Twin Peaks, and took a really long shower (again) all confident in the knowledge that he
had PLENTY of time to get to work.

***

He is a Willie. He is Wet. He is the Wet Willie.

It's a beautiful day on the Mall. Kids laughing, kids playing, people generally having a
good time. The Wet Willie however was not. He never had really quite figured out this
crazy town's geography, and quite frankly he was lost, and not too happy about it. He
could spot the Potomac up ahead, and knew he could figure out how to get back to J
Street if he could just get back in the water

"Hey Blondie! Yeah you!" some guy yelled, holding a football, "Catch!" The football
went flying in the air
Wet Willie: Yeah, catch this.

Wet Willie sticks his arm up behind him without a thought, just to hear the sound of that
football as it hits his terribly sharp

hand. Wet Willie catches the ball in a hand that he hasn't seen in many years.

WW: Huh? What? Oh man this is weird.

Wet Willie threw back the football and ran towards the Potomac to get back to J Street.

***

12:20 PM

Mope strolls into his new mayoral digs.

The Scarlet Rob, his newly hired Administrative Assistant greets him: "Good afternoon,
Mr. Mayor. Will you be working until midnight or is this just a short day?"

Mope: Afternoon? (Mope flexes into his white dwarf armor reflexively) What do you
mean?" Mope sees the clock on the wall.

Mope: Oh man

***

Elsewhere:

The Red Ricky walks in front of a mirror to find that he has returned to the form of the
RED BRICKY! (It's a Ben Grimm thing. See the Marvel story from the KCMB#1)

***

Amazon and Buried Alien bump into each other by the busy bar of Grendel's. Both turn
around to find each other face to face; but face-to-butt on everybody else. Amazon and
Buried Alien are now apparently for all purposes 8 years old and the Alien bears no
marks of ever being Buried. He's just the Alien. The Alien and the Amazon chase each
other out of the bar playing tag

***

The North Pole

St. Nicholas Leifeld sits on his throne, surveying those naughty and nice Around his lair,
the Lie-Field pulses and glows
Deep inside the Liefield-ed St. Nick, a small fraction of the original jolly old elf still
clings to existence, fighting for control of his now-overmuscled, tiny-legged, sckrinkly-
faced over-drawn self that was once the Great Elf, Santa Claus.

The Lie-Field grows, enveloping elves by the dozen and turning Mrs. Claus into a "Bad
Girl"

***

It's the same all across J Street as weird things happen to weird people dressed funny like
super heroes and stuff.

They are the Pantheon, this is X-Mas, and weird time-stuff is happening.

There's a NICK IN TIME.

Chapter Three: Sorry, I'm on Break!

by The Scarlet Rob

12:30 p.m.

Mayor Mope strode purposefully into the outer office, determined to get some work done
so the day wouldn't be a total waste. He had changed his white dwarf armor into a white
dwarf suit and tie: very simple and elegant, if hard to keep clean.

"TSRob," he began, "I want you to pull some files for me "

The Scarlet Rob looked at his Mr. Potato Head watch.

"Whoops! Sorry, it's lunch time! I've gotta fly really important errand!"

Mope watched his new Administrative Assistant fly out the door and began composing a
memo in his head about work schedules.

***

Grendel's Pond
Bar and Grill

The Scarlet Rob flew in wearing a Santa hat with his red and black costume, tossed a big,
green sack into a chair, and sat down at the bar.

"What's this?" Joe asked. "Santa coming early this year?"

"You're not far off, actually!" TSRob said proudly. "I decided to start making good use of
my new power to fly, and since I figured the planetary crises are best left to the
professionals like the JLA, I flew out to the Island of Misfit Toys to rescue them and
distribute them to needy children!"

"I thought they cleared that island out years ago," the Jester said, puzzled.

"Well, yeah, but they get a new batch of unwanted toys every year! This year it was
mostly Pantheon action figures, for some reason. I just stopped in for a quick lunch and
then I'm taking a whole bunch of The Mighty Hank! figures to Taco Bell. They're gonna
give 'em out free with kid's meals."

"That's great!" Jester enthused. "Anything else?"

"Well, there was a whole carton of Reginas, but I just left those."

"Right," Jester nodded. "Can't give them away."

"Yeah," Joe added. "Dealers tell you they're rare, but it's just a scam."

"Heck, kevrhon was in here just last night with a whole case he couldn't unload."

"I told him to hit the bricks."

"He tried selling them out on the street. No takers."

"Then a Salvation Army Santa caught him stuffing Reginas in the kettle. Called the
cops."

"kevrhon took off. Said he was gonna dump them somewhere nobody'd ever find 'em."

Just then, the aged, bearded OzBat popped by to wipe the counter.

"AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! TSRob screamed. "They shrunk Santa

Claus!"

"No, no, it's just me, OzBat! I've mysteriously aged!"

"Phew, that's a relief. I thought maybe I'd wandered into some new Christmas special:
you know, like Honey, the Grinch Shrunk Santa!"

At a nearby table, the Grinch burst into tears.

"I've reformed, dammit!" he sobbed. "Why can't they ever forgive and forget?"

Cindy Lou Who reached over and patted his fur.

"There, there, sweetheart," she cooed. "Mommy'll make it all better later."

TSRob looked at OzBat.

"So what's the deal with this mysterious aging? What caused it?"

"I don't know " the imp admitted, his voice trembling with age or was it fear?

"Better not happen to kevrhon," Joe cut in. "If he starts aging, he'll be dead in minutes."

The Scarlet Rob glanced at his watch again.

"Oh, shoot! I don't have time for a burger! I can't be late I'm still on my probationary
period at work! I'll have to grab one of those burrito thingies when I drop the Hank!s off
at Taco Bell."

TSRob hefted the green sack over one shoulder and flew toward the door

then suddenly fell flat on his face. "OUCH! What the %&$*?"

Chapter Four: It's beginning to look a lot like crap

by Red Monster and otherwise
Grendel'sPond

Bar & Grill

Joe Grendel: Um, gals, you'll have to take a set at the bar, all the seats in the grill are full.
And I won't be able to serve Red, Rose, or Loudmouth liquor. Too young.

Mommy: Oh, that's OK, Joe, everyone has to have the upper hand in the Christmas
season, of course your establishment is full.

Red: Mommy's a little down because we just went shopping and the mall was really
crowded and, well, you know about Rose!

Ramblin' Rose: Why does everyone have to talk about me like I joined the KKK?

Loudmouth: Because you're such an easy target, silly!

Ramblin' Rose: Oh yeah, forgot.

Joe Grendel seated the Greenhill Troupe at the Bar and Wet Willie greeted them happily.

Wet Willie: Hey, gals! How's everything in the psychopath neighborhood?

Fluffy: These spazzes are all pissed off because people walk slowly in front of them and
refuse to get out of the way.

Professor of Nuttiness: We had a rather tiring Christmas shopping day, Willie, and
(whispering) Red's still gritting her teeth over Rose's pregnancy.

Wet Willie: Oh yes, very hush-hush about that, wouldn't want to clear out the restaurant
like the other day!

Hatman: Hey, Troupe, aren't most of you a little underage?

Joe Grendel: There's no room for them in the family section, Hat.

Hatman: Well, then kick out all the parties with no minors in them and let these girls sit in
real chairs, especially the one expecting the baby!

Red shot him a very nasty look that clearly said: "Don't go there."

Hatman: Gotcha, Red.

Wet Willie: Look, Red, can I take you outside and talk to you? I know it's cold, but you
look like you could use some fresh air.

Red: OK.

They went outside behind the bar, looking over at the waterfront.

Red: It's beautiful, isn't it, Willie? I mean, even with all the horrible industrial waste in
the water and the trash sitting along the beat-up piers, it still maintains a sort of calmness
with such quiet. Makes me feel better even. I mean, that all the trash and oil sitting on the
water doesn't ruin the view. It's still a river, it's just full of stuff that people didn't want.

Wet Willie: I guess you're right. Could you tell me a little bit, dear?

Red: Shoot.

Wet Willie: Why do you call Mommy that? I mean, we know she's not your real mother,
so what's the deal with the whole Greenhill Troupe?

Red: Long story. Mommy and the Professor of Nuttiness have been roommates a long
time. Known each other since high school. Mommy's a social worker, but she never got
into foster care or adoption, just pointed lost people in the right direction. My real mom
was real young when she had me, 12 or 13. Her parents didn't figure out that was
pregnancy until about a month before I was born, and the kicked her out of the house
when the found out. Mommy found me and my birth mother when I was about four
months old, we were living out on the street, we had almost nothing clean to eat, I was
starving, and my birth mother wasn't much better off. Mommy saw us and knew she was
going to have to do something more than she was used to doing. She was relieved from
the
duty of figuring out what when my birth mother asked Mommy to take me. Didn't have
any encouragement, just asked some social worker she hardly knew to take her baby and
never bring her back.

Wet Willie: Your mother just gave you up of her own accord? Didn't she love you at all?

Red: Of course she loved me! Living out on the street with a starving baby can teach a
young girl quite a lesson. My mother knew I'd never grow up a whole person if she kept
me. I might not have even grown up. Mommy could take care of me, she could raise me
as a normal child should be raised. My birth mother probably got herself her own foster
parents and went back to school and made something of herself. If my birth mother had
kept me and I was still living to see this day, I'm certain I'd wish she let someone older
keep me.

Wet Willie: Hmmp. Never really thought of it that way. What about everyone else?

Red: Loudmouth we got a few years later. Her parents were neglecting her, sometimes
abusing her, and the court system put her in Mommy's care for a year, and her parents
were supposed to take her back at the end of the 12-month period, but they never showed
up, so we kept Loudmouth. We got Fluffy just after she was born a couple years ago. We
didn't find Rose until about nine months ago. She's the one I'm worried about. She'd
already dropped out of high school when we got her, and shows no signs of going back.
No that she's having a baby, I don't think she'll ever go back. But if she's still going to
spend all day at the mall, at least we can give her something to come home to at night.
Was that too much information?

Wet Willie: Nah. I wish everyone was that open. Let's go back inside. I'd hate to see those
pretty blue eyes get all red and bloodshot from the winter flu.

Back Inside:

Ramblin' Rose: So, what did you guys talk about out there?

Red: None of your beeswax. Well, actually, it is your beeswax, but that's beside the point.
Say, Grendel, is AoAMimic here?

Joe Grendel: Nah, he's away for the month.

Red: Aw darn. Say, OzBat, you're starting to get a little gray there!

OzBat: Aw, don't rub it into the beard!

 Chapter Five: Fade to gray
by Joe Grendel

OzBat bamfed over to the booth where TSRob lay propped up, with a concerned Amazon
hovering nearby.

"His hip is definitely broken." Amazon looked from OzBat to TSRob. "Why are you big
stinkers getting so old?"

OzBat patted the eight-year-old Amazon on the head.

"I don't know, dear." He paused to readjust his dentures. Go with the adhesive gel next
time. "We don't seem to get a break around here, do we? Oh, sorry Rob."

"Eh?"

"Never mind."

A long, involved burp that began spelling out the Greek alphabet echoed across the bar. It
stopped prematurely at "mu." The crowd looked toward the bar, where a 21-year-old Joe
Grendel was scratching his crotch with his fraternity paddle.

"WHAT?" He scanned the room, swilling a beer. "We need some more chicks around
here. Where's Regina? I hear she likes to party."

OzBat scratched his beard.

"Hmmm. Hatman and Hank are still missing, as is AoAMimic."

"I saw him on 'The Price Is Right' this morning!" Rob shouted. OzBat leaned over and
turned up his hearing aid.

"As I was saying Grendel doesn't seem like he'll be much help. We need kevrhon or
Mope. Hopefully they'll have some insight into what's going on."

Chapter Six: Through the Looking Glass

by kevrhon

Just then, the door to Grendel's Pond Bar and Grill swung open, followed by the
motorized hrrrrmmmmmmmmrrrrmmmmmmrrrmmmm of a MartCart which had been
appropriated from the J Street mall. kevrhon thought it was a bargain for the $5.00
deposit he had left at the customer service desk. Besides, in his current condition it was
the only way he could get around.
Thankfully, he had quickly given up his habit of appearing in public wearing only a g-
string. For he had "blossomed" into a 420 lb. nearly immobile lump of flesh incapable of
supporting his own weight. All that remained of his hair was a few thin wispy strands of
white. His face and scalp were covered with liver spots. He wore a large muumuu he had
fashioned out of one of his old Dr. Fate capes. Or perhaps two or three capes. He was
accompanied by a very shapely nurse whose sole function seemed to be to keep his
oxygen tank and mask at the ready.

hrrrrmmmmmmmmrrrrmmmmmmrrrmmmm kevrhon wheeled his way over to

the bar. He began to speak in that raspy, shrill old man voice that comes from dry brittle
vocal cords. "Where the hell hhhhhuakkkk hhhhhhuuuaakk hhhhrrrrrruuuuuaaaahh
where's Grendel?" he demanded.

TSRob looked at OzBat! and shrugged.

"If you want to get someone's attention, say it with phlegm."

Grendel slipped up behind kevrhon and snapped the back of his head with the elastic
band of his oxygen mask.

"I'm Grendel. Whatdaya want, ya old geez?"

"Oh no. It's worse than I thought. It's not still isolated. I hoped that
Grrrrrrraaaaaagggggkkkk Grendel would have caught this before it had a chance to
ummm what? What is everyone staring at?"

Amazon spoke first.

"You were telling us what happened to everyone. Why some of us are getting younger
and some of us a are old and yucky."

"What? Well how the hell should I know? You are a most precocious little girl."

Grendel had made his way off to a corner of the bar with kevrhon's nurse, and had nearly
convinced her to teach a young boy all the things a nurse knows about sponge baths when
a sound like a room full of sick cats filled the air from the direction of the mirror that was
above the fish tank, behind the bar, above the liquor bottles and next to the fraternity
paddle.

There, sticking out of the mirror like a trophy mounted on the wall, was the head and
shoulders of Spaceman Spiff!

Chapter Seven: A Beavis and Butt-head Christmas

by Joe Grendel
Spiff dangled through the mirror-cum-interdimensional back-door.

"Aah! This SUCKS! Change it, Grendel, change it!" Spiff, although never a huge,
hulking manly man, had been reduced to a 13-year-old's body. (His mind was always
relatively close to that.)

Grendel reached behind the bar and came up with a handful of rubber bands.

THWACK!

"Stop it, damn it!"

THWACK!

"I know stuff!"

THWACK!

"It's about Santa!"

THWACK!

"Something horrible has happened!"

Amazon leapt onto Joe's arm, fouling his aim. Her lower lip trembled and her eyes filled
with tears.

"What what happened to Santa?"

Spiff shot a wrathful look as only an adolescent boy can at Grendel.

"It was the Youngblood action figures. Something's gone hide hidy something's gone
really wrong. The figures have emitted a LIE-FIELD!"

The Pantheon gasped. Kevrhon continued gasping, beckoning frantically for his nurse to
return with his oxygen mask.

"Perhaps," his voice rasped through the mask a moment later, "Santa is behind this. Or
perhaps whatever caused this effect has mutated the dolls. TO THE NORTH POLE!"

The Pantheon looked at one another.

"I just broke my hip," The Silver Rob snarled. "You want me to go running around on the
ice?"

"I don't have my mittens," Amazon sniffled. "But I want to save Santa!"
Grendel slipped up next to kevrhon's nurse. He had changed into his fraternity sweatshirt,
which had returned to as-new condition.

"Wherever you go, babe, I'm there."

"Hey!" Spiff screeched. "Isn't anyone going to get me down from here?"

Chapter Eight: Back and At'om!

by Mope

Mope's Mayoral Office

Mope sat at his oak desk, the affairs of managing J Street spread across the desk in pile
after pile. Nearly a month out of the office (and away from J Street) had caused many
minor irritations to become major hassles. Mope wondered how Bruce Wayne kept
WayneCorp from going belly up.

"Must be Alfred "

RRRRR-IIIIINNNNNN-GGGGGGGGGGG
RRRRR-IIIIINNNNNN-GGGGGGGGGGG
RRRRR-IIIIINNNNNN-GGGGGGGGGGG

Mope: G@%*&mit, Rob! Get the phone!

RRRRR-IIIIINNNNNN-GGGGGGGGGGG
RRRRR-IIIIINNNNNN-GGGGGGGGGGG

Mope: (sigh) Hello? (pause) Hey! Thanks for calling me back! (pause) (Mope holds the
phone out from his ear)

A tiny figure jumps out of the phone's receiver to enlarge into a blue-and-red vest-
wearing figure with big floppy hair of about a foot tall; floating above Mope's desk.

Mope: Ray!

Atom: Hey. Uh I'll say it again. Who are you? Your name sounds vaguely familiar but I
don't recognize you.

Mope: Yeah, I heard you lost many of your old memories. Wow, this is so weird. I used to
be your sidekick, and now you're younger than I was back then. So, you really don't
remember me?

Atom: Nope. Hey man, look, I've got to get going. Nice, uh, chatting. (Atom floats near
the phone) Wanna get the phone for me?
Mope leans back, grinning.

Mope: You want to hang out with the TEEN TITANS more than me? I'm hurt. Oh well, I
guess you're just too "titanic" for your old buddy

Atom: I'm not a TEEN TITAN! I'm big time! I'm Justice League, man! I'm Justice League
(Atom spazzes out mid-air animatedly and quite frankly, rather goofily).

Mope gets up from his desk and walks over to the stocked office bar.

Mope: Hmm You're 16 now, aren't you, Ray? Want a drink before you go? I won't tell
anybody just our "little secret."

Atom: (calms down slightly) Really? Wow. That'd be cool. Sure, I'll have the strongest
you have.

Mope: Ahhh Martini or Long Island Iced Tea?

Atom: Martini sounds cool.

Mope turns around to mix the drink.

Atom: AGGHGGGGHHHHH!

Mope spins around.

Ray Palmer's has disappeared under the original blue skullcap of his old uniform. The
Atom grows to full-size and his uniform stays on. He walks to Mope's bathroom mirror
and tears off his mask to see if what he suspects is true

The Atom: I'm a grown-up again!

The Atom looks over at Mope.

The Atom: Hey, I'm sorry for being so rude. I do remember you, buddy. Friends?

Mope: Friends. (Mope and the Atom brother-shake and slap high-fives)

RRRRR-IIIIII-NNNNNNNGGGGG
RRRRR-IIIIII-NNNNNNNGGGGG

Mope: Hello?

TSRob: Mope? This is Rob. You've GOT to get down to Joe's. We've got major problems!
Mope: I'm on my way, and I'm bringing reinforcements! Hold the phone away from your
ear.

Mope sets the phone on his desk.

Mope to Atom: Wanna stay a while and help out?

Atom: Sure. I'm back to my old self, and I have you to thank! I owe you one. (Points to
the phone.) After you?

Mope jumps into the phone receiver.

The Atom jumps into the phone receiver.

Chapter Nine: Youngblood Action figures, Series Two

by Joe Grendel

The North Pole.

Now, the North Pole is funny not funny "ha ha," but rather funny "weird" in that, like J
Street, it doesn't line up exactly in time and space with any given universe.

Having said that, however, there are differences between the North Pole and J Street.
Principal amongst them is that the North Pole doesn't touch every universe, as J Street
does. (Neither does it connect to any time other than the "present.") But it touches a
number of them. Twenty-five, to be exact. But no universe is left untouched, as there are
multiple North Poles, each with slightly different Santas, elves, reindeer, the whole nine
yards.

This twenty-five times a "year" schedule means that Santa's workshop each of the Santas
remains busy year-round. About every two weeks, another universe is entered, toys are
distributed, and Santa and company seal off their connection to that universe, and open
the next gateway. The gateways appear as the aurora borealis. Each gateway is located
above a different constellation in the sky.

For purposes of this story, let's designate the North Pole that contacts the CBMBU North
Pole-1. Of course, as just stated, North Pole-1 contacts other universes as well. Two
weeks ago, a gateway linked it to the Image Universe.

As told in "Crisis on Marvel Earth" (see the digest below), Fanboy's attempt to remake it
in Rob Liefeld's, well, image failed. This was due in small part to the efforts of the
Pantheon, but to a greater extent to the interference of the demon lord Barney, which in
turn attracted Those Who Are Greater Than Gods, the creators of the Image Universe,
who set things
right, wiping the whole sordid affair from the minds of all involved.
But their powers had no effect on those not harmed by Fanboy's power grab. Fortunately,
no one was aware of what happened that was not restored by the creators. At least, no one
they noticed.

The Secret Elder noticed, saw the whole thing played out on his magic drawing board.
Normally, he was uninterested in what occurred in the Image Universe, with its vastly
overmuscular and shockingly oversexed genactives, but he filed this knowledge away for
later.

Later came, during Halloween, when he was drawn into the schemes of yet another
demon, Malvolio. Most of the Pantheon had thought him to be the mastermind behind the
plot that had left Grendel's Pond Bar and Grill in ruins and several members of the
Pantheon dead.

It took him two months to recover from their vengeance. He spent those weeks angry,
fuming, scheming. He couldn't challenge Malvolio, but that was hardly important. He'd
have dumped the blame on Malvolio for one of his schemes, if he could have managed.
No, his rage was focussed on the Pantheon.

So, two weeks ago, he entered the Image Universe and made some modification to the
Official Youngblood Action Figures, Series Two. When the elves returned to North Pole-
1 with their supply of action figures, the Liefeld contained within them was activated.

Santa, Mrs. Claus, the elves, the reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Jack Frost, the Christmas
tree forest, the lot of it was changed.

Only six days until Christmas. Six day until Santa Claus came to town, and killed the
Pantheon.

And a happy new year!

Chapter Ten: Touching Base

by Mope

Joe's

TSRob's hand shook slightly as Mope hurtled from the phone he was holding. Mope
landed in the middle of the room full-sized and fully-armored, in battle pose, ready for
action. The Atom followed him, landing on Mope's shoulder. When the two figured out
that there's not a battle going on, they relax.

Mope: Hey Rob Hey, you're pretty darn old! (Mope scans around and sees the aged
Kevhron and the de-aged Grendel, Amazon, and Buried Alien) Oh wow There's some
kind of time-twist stuff going on here. (Looks at Atom)

Mope to Atom: You thinking what I'm thinking?

The Atom: Chronos. I knew he'd come back somehow. I don't know how, but I'm not
surprised.

TSRob: Well, it doesn't have to be Chronos. There's plenty of time-altering villains out
there even some that don't come from the DC Universe.

Mope: Hmmm if it's not Chronos though, the Atom's appearance here wouldn't be quite
as appropriate though!

TSRob: Well, young man, sometimes the world doesn't make sense. HACK COUGH
GACK! (TSRob bends over in nasty coughs)

Amazon sniffles: Who'th Chronoth? Did he do the bad thingth to Thanta Clausth? (A tear
wells up in young Amazon's eye. Very Who-ville-ish)

TSRob (recovering from his hacking) comforts the nearly-disillusioned dear little kid.

Grendel starts picking his nose, caught in a daydream about Bad Girls and X-chicks

Mope: Santa? Something's happened to Santa? (Mope sees OzBat) Oh my god! Santa!
They shrunk Santa! He's hideous, like one of those Shrunken Heads toys from the 70's
ewwww

OzBat: Thanks a lot. I'm not Santa, I'm OzBat.

Mope: Oh. Sorry. So what's happened to Santa?

TSRob: It's pretty bad. A Lie-Field has enveloped Santa's secret HQ. All the elves,
reindeer, Mrs. Claus, Santa, and about a dozen nasty Polar Bears have been Lie-felded.
It's very scary, very dangerous, and well (TSRob descends into another bout of coughs
and hacks).

The Atom: By all that's holy. That's a fate worse than death.

Mope to Grendel: Joe, what do you think?

Grendel: (Caught with his finger in his nose. BUSTED, Joe tries to fake like he wasn't
doing that.) Huh? Oh sorry man. You lost me after you jumped out of the phone. That
was pretty cool, can you do it again?

Mope: Hmm. (Whispers to Atom: "Grendel's out of it.") We need all the Pantheon we can
get. We need to figure out who should head up to the North Pole to investigate this. I
need to think.

Mope scanned the room, trying to sum up the Pantheon's available forces.
TSRob: Broken leg, hence out of action. (OUT)
Kevhron: Old to a silly degree. (OUT)
OzBat: Old, but probably still effective in battle. (IN)
Wet Willie: He's got his hand back. He's ready. (IN)
Amazon and Alien: Maybe still powerful, but emotionally vulnerable to the horrible
things that Santa and his friends may have become. (OUT)
Grendel: Ah, yes. Grendel. Grendel right now is just Grendel. He'd probably be more of a
nuisance in a pinch right now than help. (OUT)
Dom and JYu: Not affected (yet), but can Dom be trusted near the Lie-Field? Will her IU
origins be a help or a hindrance? (Mope pondered sometimes you just have to take a
chance) (IN)
Out of J Street altogether: Hatman, Hank, AOAMimic, Jason Borelli (?)
Not accounted for: Red Ricky, Joe Gallagher (or any of the JGC), SNAP!MAN!,
Drew101, Jonah, Regina, Gail, J'onn, A'nne, White Knight, Jester, MRMIRACLE, Scott
Free, Revenant and probably a bunch more.

Mope: OK, I'm taking command from here on. The Atom and I have a lot of experience
with dealing with time and dimension weirdness. It's something that happens a lot when
you mess with quantum physics too much.

The Atom: Mope, I can stay around as long as you want. Say, do you want me to call in
some reinforcements from the DCU?

Mope: No, that might not be a good idea. We shouldn't allow anymore DCU characters to
get exposed to the Lie-Field. As it is, I'm a little worried that you might get exposed, Ray.
Are you sure you want to get near the Lie-Field?

The Atom: I've been through Crisis, I've been through Zero Hour, although I certainly
didn't enjoy that at all, but I'm willing to do it again. You can count on me.

Mope: Thanks for being here, Ray. Santa needs you. OK AQ, sorry, Wet Willie and
OzBat. You guys are with me and the Atom. Everyone else, I want you to scour J Street
and find all the Pantheon members you can. No offense to the rookies, but all the big-
timers we can get the better. Let's hold the "Substitute Pantheon" for reinforcements here.
OK, Rob. You're in charge of organizing all the Pantheon members while the four of us
are gone. Once you get a team ready, have them follow us to the North Pole.

Wet Willie: Mope, don't you think we should wait here for more Pantheon members? I
mean, you, me, the Atom, and OzBat against Lie-fielded elves and polar bears?

Mope: You've got a point, but look at us. It's only been a few hours, and we're already cut
in half. What will another couple of hours do to us? When will some of us start digressing
into zygotes or piles of bones? The time to act is now. We'll do what we can. Hopefully
where we fail, the others might not. But we'll never know if we don't start now. Ready,
guys?
OzBat: Count me in, youngster.

The Atom: Of course, Mope.

Mope: Willie?

Wet Willie: I'm in. Let's kick some Lie-felded Santa butt!

Amazon starts crying at the thought of Santa getting his butt kicked.

Wet Willie: Oh. Sorry.

OzBat floats out the door and heads down a side street Grendel says will lead them all to
the North Pole.

Wet Willie, Mope and the Atom leap out of the bar and into the portal. Soon nothing is
left of them but a wisp of cold December air.

***

North Pole-1

OzBat: OK, guys. I can protect from the Lie-Field if you all stay within ten feet of me or
so.

Mope: So, that means we have to stay tight, act as a team and make sure none of us loses
contact. To make this easier, I suggest OzBat, the Atom, and I all sit on AQ's shoulder
until we see trouble. Sound good guys? (Nods all around.)

The Atom and Mope shrink and jump up on Wet Willie shoulder, as does OzBat.

Wet Willie: This is weird. You guys make me feel like a giant!

Mope: Good! Use that! You're as big as you think you are! Now, let's get going.

OzBat: OK, MisterMopeMiracle. Now let's get going! It's COLD out here!

Wet Willie starts running toward the impending Lie-Field spreading across the tundra
south of Santa's HQ. What our heroes don't see is

Chapter Eleven: Reindeer Games

by Joe Grendel
Grendel's Pond
Bar and Grill
"C'mon, man, get me out of this stupid mirror! I wanna go with Mope and kill people and
stuff."

Grendel ignored the frantic Spiff, and dropped the bowl in front of The Silver Rob. The
noise startled kevrhon and TSR awake.

"What's this, son?"

"Figgy pudding."

"Huh?"

"Just eat it."

Amazon ran through the room, an apron around her shoulders.

"Look at me: I'm Soopagirl!"

Grendel walked back to the bar, checking out kevrhon's nurse as he passed.

"So, you know lots about anatomy, am I right?"

She blushed and grinned at this.

***

North Pole-1.

The reindeers had been changed the most.

Dasher and Dancer stalked forward through the Christmas Tree Forest, carrying their Red
Rider enhanced BB gun rifles. No one was going to tell these two that they'd shoot their
eyes out.

These were reindeer that walked like men. The hooves on their hind legs remained the
same, but their front hooves had been twisted into small brown hands.

Their eyes glowed red making Rudolph a rather bitter, short-tempered guy and their
antlers had grown into cruel, killing weapons, which had been tipped with razor points.

Oddly enough, given the effects of the LieField, their long spindly arms and legs weren't
extraordinary. Hell, Santa had long spindly arms and legs now.

"Down," Dancer hissed, and they squinted past a garland-draped tree.

Mope, his hands on his hips, glared at the superheroes, who huddled together miserably.
"Well, why DIDN'T you think to go get coats before we left?"

JYu coughed, rubbing his hands together for warmth.

"Anybody know which way to Santa's workshop?"

The cocking of Red Rider BB energy weapons answered them.

The Wet Willie, icicles forming on his nose and ears, sighed.

"Here we go again "

***

Grendel traced the nurse's forearm with one finger, teasing her about a slip of the tongue
she'd just made. Spiff fumed. Why did those stupid lines work for Grendel and never for
him?

"Will you let me DOWN, man? Just pull me through. Or push me back. What are you
doing with that box?"

"It's the lost-and-found."

"Whatcha gettin'?"

Grendel stood up on the bar, on eye level with Space Marine Spiff, and rummaged
through the box with one hand. Grinning, he pulled out a stick of lipstick.

"HEY!" It was hot pink. A leftover from Easy Chicks night, apparently. Grendel went
back to the box.

"Is that eyeliner? Watch it with that AAH! YOU SUCK, GRENDEL!"

Grendel put the box down and scratched his essentially whiskerless chin and pondered
Spiff's now-painted face.

"You know, I think we have some extra Christmas tree lights around here "

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

There was a thumping noise at the end of the bar, which Grendel felt through the soles of
his feet.

He turned and looked at the source of the noise.

The bar patron banged his forehead against the bar again.
"Oh, woe is me."

Grendel looked at Spiff, picturing wrapping his head in blinking, tiny and hot lights. The
patron banged his head against the bar once more.

Grendel sighed and hopped to the floor.

"What is it, pal?"

The man looked up miserably.

"Nothing. It's just that I wish I'd never been born."

Grendel, now distracted again by the smell of a nearby nubile woman in her early 20s,
looked around the room for a superhero who could help this poor schmuck out.

I'm gonna fire that OzBat's @$$ one of these days, if he doesn't quit skipping out without
my permission. And I hope Hank reappears out of whatever retconn he disappeared into
sometime soon

The nurse seemed genuinely touched and hurt by the depressed patron. A thought
occurred to Grendel. Mustering his most sympathetic look, he turned toward the man.

"What's your name, Sparky?"

"Myron Scheinblatz."

Grendel considered this.

"Jewish. Well, that's hardly traditional, but I'm a progressive guy." Alien hadn't devolved
so much that he'd forgotten what 'progressive' meant, and snorted in the disgusted way 8-
year-olds do when they discover the substitute teacher was briefed on the day's
lesson plan. Grendel made a mental note to spank BA when he got back.

"OK, Myron, let's go take a walk down J Street. I believe there's a turn we can make on
about 34th Street that'll take us where we're going."

"And where's that?"

"Haven't you ever seen 'It's A Wonderful Life,' Myron? I'm going to show you what things
would be like if you'd never been born!" And I better get laid out of this ...

Chapter Twelve: Rudolph the gun-toting reindeer

by Mope
Earlier
North Pole-1

JYu phases out of chameleon-state to huddle next to his fellow Pantheon members being
stalked by Reindeer.

JYu: Man, it's cold up here.

Mope: What are you doing up here? I thought you were staying at Joe's to help round up
the cavalry. (Mope ponders a second. Of all the Minutemen, JYu is probably the most
Lie-field resistant and trustworthy. He's cool.) Well, JYu, now that you're here, it's good
to
have support.

CLICK.

JYu: Mope there's a gun pointed at your head.

Mope, fully regaled in his full-stellar armor comprised of the full masses of a 100 white
dwarf stars, smiles.

Mope: Oh, really? (whispers): Guys: Disappear or duck.

JYu and OzBat phase/blink away, the Atom shrinks, and Wet Willie swims into a nearby
snow drift (snow's just frozen water, right?) A hail of lazer, phaser, masers, bullets,
shrapnel, fire, and ice rain down, across, below and above Mope. This continues for about
20 seconds (an eternity in gunfire). Eventually the gunfire stops.

His armor only smoking slightly. It is at this point that he finally turns around, smiling
quite broadly.

The baffled reindeer look disappointedly at their over-sized super-rifles, and then dump
them. A temporary loss-of-face on the part of the reindeer is replaced by a new stance of
"charge'm buckaroo" kind of antler-warfare. Dasher dashed; Dancer danced; both
charging at Mope with full antlers armed and dangerous.

They IMPACTED Mope for a second, then he shrank and grew again as they proceeded
to charge over the spot where he had been standing (mostly by pure force of momentum)
and then Mope grew and grew from underneath the two reindeer, picking them up, once
in each hand until Mope was 30 feet tall (luckily still not taller than the trees though he
did get some pine needles in his face on the way up). Holding the two reindeer, Mope
then shrank back to his regular 6'3" (you didn't know Mope was actually quite tall, did
you?) In his hands, Mope held the two miniaturized reindeer, now about the size of
regular house-tabby-cats. Creating a bag out of a stretched out piece of his white dwarf
material, Mope
created a sack in he deposited the shrunk reindeer and zipped it up. (Don't worry, it has
airholes.)

OzBat and JYu reappeared from their "strategic hiding places," as did the Atom.

The Atom: Wow, Mope, Wow. You've really changed since the days of you and me
storming bank robbers and international spy rings. You could probably take on J'onn
J'onnz or Superman nowadays.

Mope: Yeah, I suppose I could. But you know, with great power comes great moping. I
think about the awesome responsibility I have now, and I angst, Ray. I really angst.

OzBat: Now, sonny I don't think "angst" can be used as a verb.

Mope: Hmm. You're probably right.

Wet Willie appears from a nearby snow bank, his hair and face ice-covered kind of like
the Icicle. He actually appears to have adapted to the cold though. (Remember that "sea-
dwellers" like Aquaman and Wet Willie are actually used to swimming in CHILLY sub-
arctic depths. The North Pole would be no big deal for them.)

Wet Willie: Guys! I found Santa's HQ. But I only know how to get there through the ice.

Mope: Well, could you swim near the surface so we can follow your trail?

Wet Willie: You got it.

So, Wet Willie swims through the snow towards Santa's fortress, with Mope, the Atom,
OzBat and JYu each following stealthily in each of their own ways.

Of course, they forgot that perhaps Santa would notice a Bugs-Bunny-looking-burrowing

coming straight towards his lair

Chapter Thirteen: Dashing through the snow

by Joe Grendel

North Pole-1

Unseen by the Pantheon, who were busy picking their way through the Christmas trees, a
pair of mutated reindeer silhouettes flew across the moon.

The alarm went off in the workshop, and the elves scrambled, snapping on their plastic
armor, grabbing their "toy" weapons, and piling out into the snow.

"Where to?" asked Blinky, displaying his new filed-to-points, red-stained teeth.
"South corridor, Christmas Tree Forest." Snowflake, snapping the knife onto the stump
where her left hand used to be, replied.

"Uh, isn't everything south of here? Isn't that the point?"

Snowflake stopped and pondered this.

"ENOUGH! Get your little butts out to sector six!" Jack Frost, the Supreme Elf
Commander, stalked through the workshop, hurrying elves on their way with a quick boot
to the backside. "We have some 'nice' entries to eliminate from the list "

***

Chicago, circa 1958.

"Where are we?" Myron whined. He looked around a rather small living room, watching
a young, poor couple light the next candle on the menorah. They clearly couldn't see him
or Joe.

Grendel sighed.

"These are supposed to be your parents. In your time-line, they'd be at the hospital right
now, where you'd be getting born. But in this world they never have any children." I
never realized these dimension-traveling skills would work against me this way. How
humiliating!

"But but they look so sad."

"Yeah, well, duh!" He rolled his eyes. "That's kind of the point. Your parents bottle up
their disappointment for years and years, each secretly blaming the other's fertility, until
they finally have a nasty divorce in the mid-1970s."

"But that's impossible! They just had a huge wedding anniversary party last month!"

Grendel rolled his eyes again.

"Nothing gets past you, does it, Sparky? C'mon, let's get to the next stop on our hit
parade." Of course, there are alternate time-lines where they're quite happy as a childless
couple, but I think I have a better chance of getting laid if I bring Myron back alive.

Chapter Fourteen: Nick's Fury!

by The Silver Rob
Grendel's Pond
Bar and Grill
The Silver Rob hunched forward over his work. (Actually, he hunched forward over
anything and everything, now that he was so old.) His eyesight seemed sharper and
keener than before. In one of the few bizarre blessings that come with age, he had grown
farsighted until his nearsightedness was overtaken and he had perfect vision once again.
He
rotated the large sphere on the table in front of him, trying to bring an image into focus.

The motorized whir of kevrhon's electronic MartCart drew up behind him, followed by
the damp, rhythmic rasp of the bloated mage's breathing as he sucked pure oxygen in
through his mask and his heavily-taxed heart struggled to pump it through the farthest
reaches of his vast wasteland of a body.

"Whatcha doin', Gray Rob?" he asked.

"That's The Silver Rob, if you please." TSR snapped. "I'm trying to fix this old Magic
Sphere. It's pre-Crisis technology, but I think I can get it to work. Amazon picked it up for
me from Queen Hippolyta, who never uses it anymore something about the time
paradoxes it causes, but I figure heck, this is J Street, we thrive on time paradoxes, space
ones, too and I thought it would be handy for Mayor Mope to keep tabs on the civic well-
being if he can monitor any place or time in the world. I've got the Mental Radio, too, but
that only works if you have a tiara to plug it into, unfortunately."

"And you don't?" kevrhon asked.

"Shut up, you old fool!" TSR snapped again. "I can cut that oxygen tube in two before
you can even raise a hand to clutch at your chest! I'm tired of being treated like a
worthless old geezer by all those young folks and Mr. Joe kill off everyone over 30
Grendel! Heck, if Liz Taylor can get around with no hips, I can get around with one! And
my mind is sharp as a tack! It's like that classic X-Men vs. Magneto story, where the team
was regressed to infancy, but Storm was able to free herself because even as an infant she
had the coordination of a young child Well, I've been acting like a cranky old man since I
was in
kindergarten, so I'm not about to let a little setback like this inconvenience me! I just
want to tune in the North Pole and see how the away team is doing "

The image on the Magic Sphere flickered and then a picture came into focus. The Silver
Rob and kevrhon watched a little blond boy in a Hulk Halloween costume laughing as he
beat up a smaller boy in a Superman costume.

"What's that?" kevrhon hissed wetly behind his mask.

"Oh, my God, it's Grendel Tot!" TSR gasped. "This is one of those time paradoxes! I've
got to change channels before he gets into current continuity and starts teaming up with
his adult self "
The dial spun around and stopped at a blur of blue and white, which quickly sharpened
into an aerial view of the snow and ice at the North Pole. Mope, in his White Dwarf
armor, JYu, OzBat and the Atom were slogging heavily through the snowdrifts, following
a tunnel of raised snow that was moved forward slowly from the bottom of the screen. At
the same time, at the top of the screen, beyond a large bank of snow, a small mob of
massively muscled elves, bulging biceps holding big, heavy, intricate guns, tiny heads
flanked by huge, pointed ears and surmounted by pointed, tasseled caps, moved
inexorably down toward the seriously outnumbered heroes.

"I can't watch!" TSRob muttered. Spinning the dial again, he tuned the sphere in to one of
Santa's workshops.

The jolly old elf himself stood taking inventory in the midst of a sea of intricately
detailed toys, all of them Lie-Fielded into weapons of mass destruction. Saint Nick had
undergone the same hideous change as his elves and reindeer: his once-jellylike belly had
snapped taught into row after row of rippling abdominal muscles. Above his barrel-like
chest, his head was about the size of a baseball; he had trimmed his beard into a short,
pointed goatee, and doffed his cap to reveal a shiny metallic emblem in the shape of a
Christmas tree apparently welded to his glistening bald skull. The fur trim on his boots
helped support the weight of his massive thighs atop his spindly ankles, and he had
stripped down to a red muscle shirt to better display his upper arms, which were now the
size of grade-school children, and bore innumerable twisty veins trailing down into the
gleaming chrome of his deadly Santa Claws, razor-sharp blades either worn or
permanently grafted over his
hands.

Behind him, Mrs. Santa strutted about the room in her tight red leather corset and g-
string. Her breasts, larger than her head, were pushed up to the level of her muscular
shoulders. Her hips swelled out from her toothpick waist, her pelvis having been
eliminated by the Lie-Field, and she stalked back and forth on shiny black leather stiletto-
heeled hip boots with plenty of fur trim. Again and again she tossed her head to display
her thick mane of platinum hair. She practiced spinning her razor-sharp Christmas
cookies across the room with pinpoint accuracy, burying them in the walls like ninja
throwing stars. A nasty-looking set of candy-cane nunchuks hung from her hip.

"Are you ready, my love?" she hissed through gritted teeth behind blood-red lips.

"Of course," Nick replied in a deep, yet strangely hollow voice. "This Pantheon thinks to
surprise one who can see them even when they're sleeping the fools!"

The Silver Rob drew back in horror as the picture in the Magic Sphere faded.

"My God, kevrhon, we've got to warn them! They're heading in like lambs to the
slaughter! Can you work a spell to communicate with them?"
"Spell?" kevrhon rasped. "I don't know so hard to remember so tired
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzSNORT!zzzzzzzzz "

"Consarn it! I guess it's up to me Amazon! Amazon, come here!"

The little girl in the star-spangled costume stopped jumping off the bar in her apron-cape
and wandered slowly over to the mean old man in the loose-fitting red longjohns, afraid
he was going to yell at her again.

"Didn't do nuthin'," she said, projecting her lower lip sullenly.

"No, no! I'm not yelling at you! I just need your help. You see this little radio with the
Greek columns around it? I want you to plug the end of this wire onto your tiara "

***

North Pole-1

The cold Arctic wind cut into Mope, OzBat, JYu and Atom viciously as they trudged
forward through the snow.

Suddenly Mope, in the lead, stopped abruptly and waved the three behind him to a halt.
Up ahead, the tunnel marking Wet Willie's chilly swim stopped moving as well. All five
heard a tiny voice in their heads:

Hey, wait, you guys! This is Amazon. The old yelling guy wants you to watch out; he says
the bad elves are about to get you!

"You heard the girl, friends!" Mope said. "Santa Claus is comin' to town "

Chapter Fifteen: Getting to the stinky middle of all this

by Red Monster and otherwise

The North Pole-1

Loudmouth: Red, this is officially the last time you drag me up to some cold place like
this!

Red: Calm yourself, this isn't anything like our basement this time of year!

Fluffy: Well, you know, ringleader, the spazz isn't holding me, so of course she's frigid.

Red: Well, suffer you, Loudmouth. C'mon, Lifekill himself could be anywhere.

Loudmouth: How easily is this guy killed, Red?

Red: What makes you think I have that piece of information at my disposal?

Loudmouth: Oh God, she drags me to the North Pole and doesn't know if what we came
here to do can be done or not!

Fluffy: What else could you expect from her? This is the girl who thought tuna fish would
make my coat lustrous!

Red: Quiet, you two. I've got movement.

Lifekill quietly lurked about in the snow. His Lie-field had already claimed the appeal of
Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and was attacking the Pantheon. World's Lamest
Team. Fortunately, these three members of the Greenhill Troupe were Lie-field resistant,
and armed to the teeth with knitting needles, textbooks, hairbrushes, and expandable fur!

Fluffy: Could that be Santa Claus?

Loudmouth: No, he's farther south, and he's been Lie-fielded. That might be Lifekill!

Red: Be ready, Troupers. He could do anything.

Lifekill: Do I hear voices? (Looks over the snow) Oh no, those girls still have their real
breasts! I'm doomed!

Fluffy: I smell a rat, ladies, be prepared. This rat carries the scent of vulnerability! Gonna
be a hot time in the old town tonight!

Red put Fluffy down, and her silky white fur blended in with the snow as she crept
towards Lifekill.

Lifekill: (seeing Fluffy) Back, rodent! I'm armed and I'm dangerous! I'll turn my Lie-field
on you that'll turn you into a pitiful mass of dried-up noodles just like Feral in early X-
Force!

Fluffy: Get real, pissant, you don't know me.

Fluffy expanded her fur until it gagged Lifekill, and he went sprawling to the ground like
a slain deer.

Red got him in a headlock while Loudmouth shoved a knitting needle up his nose to
disable him.

Red: You tough guys go down easy, don't you? Hmm, hard to talk with a stick shoved up
your nose, isn't it? That's called a knitting needle, Lifekill, it's supposed to be used for
making warm winter clothes for people you love, but as you can see, they do serve other
purposes.
Fluffy: Oh, I forgot, you don't know what love means, do you? Take him in, Troupers.

***
Grendel's Pond
Bar & Grill

OzBat: Who is that horrible thing Red?

Red: It's Lifekill, the one responsible for what those toys did to Santa Claus. Oh my God,
Oz, what's happened to you? There's barely anything left!

OzBat: I'm getting too old for this

Loudmouth: Well, here, let us put Lifekill inside the bar where he can't hurt anybody.
Where's Joe Grendel's fraternity paddle?

Fluffy: I see it up there by the wine cooler. I'll keep an eye on the toy-story, you guys take
OzBat to the hospital where he won't get hurt.

***

At the hospital

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas! What do we give to these children this year,
darling?

Mrs. Claus: I don't think these two asked for anything from us.

Red: I don't get it. We were told that you two were turned into hideous demons by the
Lie-field, why are you so nice and fat and jolly now?

OzBat: I guess the Lie-field died when you took out Lifekill.

Loudmouth: Wow, that wasn't too hard at all! Amazing what a little knitting needle can
do when you're really mean about it.

Joe Grendel: Red, Loudmouth! Where's the rest of the Troupe, what are you two doing
here? Wow, Santa Claus, you're back to normal, how did that happen!

OzBat: They took out Lifekill, so I guess that made the Lie-field wear off. I, however, am
another story.

Loudmouth: Not to mention keeping Lifekill under the ropes. He may escape and corrupt
the toys all over again. We left Mommy, Rose, and the Prof home because they're not Lie-
field resistant, not to mention they'd get in the way.
Joe Grendel: So where's this Lifekill creature?

Red: He's trapped under the bar with a knitting needle up his nose, and Fluffy's standing
guard. But if he gets that stick out of his nose, Fluffy can only expand her fur so many
times before she needs to rest and recharge.

OzBat: And what are we going to do about me?

Chapter Sixteen: He sees you when you're sleeping

by Joe Grendel

A windswept castle in a distant dimension.

The Secret Elder looked at his Magic Drawing Board in confusion. He scanned the word-
bubbles over the Greenhill Troupe.

"LifeKill? Who the?" He ground his teeth, a sound like boulders mating. "I hate it when
other people get the credit for my villainy."

Reaching behind him, he grabbed his one-of-a-kind commemorative Prophet cold-cast

statue and pointed at the page before him. LieField energy leaked out of it, and into North
Pole-1.

***
Grendel's Pond
Bar and Grill

"I warned 'em," Amazon said. "Now, whatcha gonna get me fer Christmas?"

"Huh?" The Silver Rob glared at her balefully. "Ain't you a hero, girlie? Whatchu want
with monetary rewards?"

Amazon began to sniffle pitifully.

"I'm just a kid. I wants a present!" She began to bawl.

kevrhon began to sniff the air worriedly.

"What the @#$% is that smell?" His face fell. "Oh, that's me." He pointed his motorized
wheelchair toward the bathroom, grumbling about his colostomy bag.

"Hey!" Spiff shrieked, spitting in frustration. "Will someone get me down from " His
eyes grew wide as he realized he could see down the front of kevrhon's nurse's top.
"Never mind."

***
Chicago, CBMBU Earth, circa 1975.

Joe dropped onto a stone bench, watching Myron spin around, gape-mouthed.

"We're we're "

"At your college, yes." Grendel glanced around, thinking the mid-1970s were a
particularly bad period for women's fashion except for the popularity of the braless look.

Myron began dancing from one foot-to-another, pointing excitedly.

"That's Rachel! She's the woman I marry," he stopped. "Then divorce."

Grendel sighed. This timeline was the best one he could come up with. Rachel and Myron
had always mixed like oil and water. The only thing that had held them together had been
their mutual lack of self-esteem, and eventually even that hadn't proven enough.

"Yeah, well, not in this world, Sparky." Grendel watched as Rachel slouched forward,
then dropped dejectedly beside Joe on the bench. He leaned over to look down her shirt,
but upon noticing how oily and zitty her skin was, thought better of it. "In this world, she
doesn't end up with anybody," even as pathetic as you, "She decides she must be a
lesbian, then moved to a kibbutz. Of course, she wasn't a lesbian, and ended up moving to
New York a few years later. She dies a lonely old woman, living with 18 different cats.
Her death makes the New York Post, because the cats eventually ate her rotting corpse."

Myron's eyes bugged out in horror.

"That's awful!"

"Hey, what do you expect, some Jimmy Stewart movie?" Grendel stood up, grabbing
Myron by the arm. "Let's get a move on."

***

North Pole-1

Santa snapped back into LieField shape, as did Mrs. Santa, the elves, Jack Frost, the
reindeer

Dom looked at JYu and sighed heavily.

"Uh oh."

Several dozen toy guns cocked and were pointed at the Pantheon.
 Chapter Seventeen: Gifts
by Jason

Soon, long after whatever foe had beat pounded into submission, the Pantheon would
come back to Grendel's. And there will be a package awaiting them.

Claven brought the package. He was bloodied; not from the usual disgruntled postman
hijinks, but from rumors he had a sack of Tickle-Me Elmo dolls.

The package has a return address of Staten Island, NY, hometown of Jason Borelli, Green
Lantern of the Pantheon. And there's a letter attached:

Dear Guys,

Hope you got the box. I had to make sure Cliff got it because only he knows about the
existence of J Street. I got my Wildhawk Christmas bonus, so I figured I'd do a little
shopping for you guys.

To the Mighty Hank, I have enrolled you in the Interdimensional Beer of the Month Club.
Now you can sample the best brew the multiverse has to offer.

To The Scarlet Rob, I made this gift for him. Back when I first became a GL, I needed
music to soothe my nerves. I've taped some of my favorite "flying tunes." I've included
Seal's "Fly Like An Eagle" and the theme song from the Superman cartoon.

To Joe Grendel, my longtime nemesis, I leave the hope that once I come back to J Street,
we can get along better. Also, I got a karaoke machine. Not much, but it can be a lot of
fun. I still have the receipt in case you don't want it.

To Mope, who I dumped the mayorship on, I offer my services once I get back to J Street.
Also, I've enclosed Ed Koch's biography (it was either that or Al D'Amato's bio).

To Hatman man, I miss you. After the falling out we had during the mayorial race, I've
been meaning to talk with you. I give you a cap. I have imbued it with a little of my
power. Yes, you can use it like I use my ring. However, the power is limited, and once the
charge is gone, you're left with a plain cap. So use it wisely.

To Red Monster, I leave a gift certificate to Mr Miracle's office. Couldn't hurt.

That's about it. I'm sorry I didn't get anything for the others; I have zero clue what Gail,
Regina, and Amazon would want from me (other than slapping me silly on general
principle). I wish I could join you guys. But I'm content in spending Christmas at home. I
will be back soon.

Pantheon Forever,
Jason
 Chapter Eighteen: More Stuff
by Jason

Jason had forgotten to mention gifts to two of his friends:

To Wet Willie: Gift Certificate for whatever harpoon upgrade he would need later.

To J'onn: Tim Burton voodoo doll. That'll teach him to stereotype Martians!

Chapter Nineteen: It almost wasn't Christmas

by Joe Grendel

DCU Chicago, 1996

The city was abandoned and empty, filled with blowing drifts of snow. Wild dogs
prowled the streets and an owl hooted mournfully.

Myron looked at Grendel.

"Are you going to say this is because I was never born?" He raised an eyebrow
skeptically.

Grendel, shivering in his fraternity jersey, thought frantically.

Actually, it's because the Sun-Eater swallowed the sun. Dark Lord help me, this yo-yo
made no difference at all in this life. Showing him that wouldn't do a lick of good. He
licked his lips and decided to bite the bullet.

"Well, now that you mention it yes. You see, you don't remember it, but you once gave a
quarter to a 'bum' down on his luck. That bum was actually a servant of the Lords of
Order, temporarily under an evil spell. That quarter enabled him to place a phone call to a
number that he remembered through his daze."

Myron's skepticism dimmed. This was working.

"Anyway, kevrhon got a hold of the Pantheon, who rescued him, and he was later
instrumental in keeping the Earth from being destroyed. Without you, no one else would
give such a disreputable guy the quarter he needed. The Earth is now void of all human
inhabitants."

Hot tears rolled down Myron's face.

"Wow "
"Now," Grendel grabbed him by an arm, leading him quickly toward J Street, "Can we
get going? I'm freezing?"

***

North Pole-1

Mope yawned and stretched out his arms. Using his ubiquitous white dwarf matter, he
selectively created a gravitational well, sucking the elves, reindeer, Santa, Mrs. Claus,
Jack Frost and the Youngblood Action Figures into a point singularity.

JYu, Dom, Ray Palmer and the Wet Willie looked on in amazement.

"Well, if it isn't Deus Ex Machina Man!" AQ exclaimed.

"What, is Jason Borelli around?" JYu received a slap upside the head from Dom for his
trouble.

"Now all we have to do is load up Santa's sleigh and get all the presents delivered before
dawn," Palmer said. "How about we get to work?"

***
Grendel's Pond
Pond Bar and Grill

Spiff had fallen asleep stuck in the mirror. A long string of spittle connected his lower lip
to the bar several feet below. He awoke to feel a hand on his rear end, pushing him
forward. His arms popped through the mirror, and he was able to catch himself and he
landed face-first on the bar below.

He looked up, as did The Silver Rob and kevrhon's nurse (kevrhon, Amazon and Buried
Alien were all sound asleep) to see the Pantheon carry Santa's sleigh in through the
mirror.

They settled to the floor, just as Grendel marched back into the bar beside a puffed-up
and clearly full of self-esteem Myron.

"Hey, babe," Grendel leered. "I just saved this guy's life!"

The nurse and it didn't say much for her intelligence or taste grinned and moved towards
Grendel.

"Not so fast, boss." The wizened OzBat bamfed onto Grendel's shoulder. "We have a little
problem."

Grendel grabbed the imp by the neck.

"Imp," he hissed. "Do you know how long it's been for me?"

OzBat bamfed onto his other shoulder.

"We can't navigate the sleigh through the interdimensional nexuses it needs to go through
to reach all 14 million homes it needs to tonight."

"So what?" Grendel began fishing around in his pockets for a condom.

"So, we just happened to know someone who could navigate the dimensions in his sleep."

"No, no, no!"

***

And so it was that Christmas that year came a little late. Children all over the world
(well, the Christian world Muslim kids really don't expect Santa to be dropping down
their chimneys. Nor do Buddhists, Hindus, Animists or Jews. But I digress.) asked their
parents the next day why Santa was so short.

And where were his reindeer? That sleigh appeared to be carried by a flying senior
citizen. And who was that grumpy elf navigating?

And why was it that he had an Australian accent, as he exclaimed, as he rode out of
sight, "A Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Good Night!"

The End

God bless us, every one.

Epilogue: Silly me, I'm such a putz!

by Red Monster and otherwise

Grendel's Pond Bar & Grill

Red: Loudmouth, you told me this Lifekill freak was the one responsible for turning
Santa and Mrs. Claus and all the reindeer into Liefeld characters! Have you been drinking
Drano again? It was the Evil Elder or whatever that made the Lie-field come out of those
toys!

Loudmouth: Well, geez, I went to elementary school with this guy, and he was always
bragging about making a Lie-field that made nice, jolly, generous people mean and
overly-pumped, so I thought this Lifekill was responsible!
Fluffy: Lifekill, we're really sorry, we didn't realize you weren't the source.

Lifekill: Yeah, you would think that, since you have Loud living with you, wouldn't you!
Geez, ya brag a little in elementary school, and ya get knitting needles stuck up your
nose!

Mommy: Something I'm confused about. If it was some other dude who turned Santa and
Mrs. Claus into steroidal contortionists, then why did the Lie-field lose effect when you
girls stuck knitting needles up Lifekill's nose?

Red: Oh, well, we don't know exactly when the Lie-field fizzled out. Perhaps something
bothered the source and temporarily cut off power between the time we attacked Lifekill
and when we got to the hospital. Coincidence, I guess.

Professor of Nuttiness: Something I'm confused about. Why did you three leave Rose,
Mommy and I at home?

Loudmouth: Well, we weren't about to bring Rose, as she's pregnant, and we weren't
about to leave her home alone, as she's also a bonehead, and we didn't bring Mommy, as
she tends to get in the way of things.

Rose and Mommy: Hey!

Joe Grendel: (sits down at table) Well, Troupers, have you figured out that your hostage
here wasn't the source of the Lie-field?

Red: Yeah, it was Loudmouth's fault, she thought it was him, and it seemed logical to us.

Loudmouth: Well, he always acted like Satan when I knew him in childhood.

Lifekill: Well, I didn't think it would get me a knitting needle up my nose!

Joe Grendel: It probably wouldn't have, except you happened to run into Loudmouth
here, who's quite the unorthodox one.

Loudmouth: (snickering) Yeah, that's me, I smashed the mold to smithereens!

kevhron: (sitting down) Troupers, you have to understand that when we warn the newer
Pantheon members to stay behind and let the experienced ones handle the situation, we
mean it! Why did you act of your own accord?

Red: Um, perhaps because we find something slightly askew about keeping the
inexperienced members behind. I mean, how will we ever gain any experience if we're
always told to sit the heavy missions out?

Professor of Nuttiness: Joe Grendel, is OzBat here?

Joe Grendel: No ma'am, he went home awhile ago.

Professor of Nuttiness: Well, would you give this to him for me? It's a de-aging
compound I made in the school lab. Even if he's started to de-age already, or if he doesn't
want to be young again, it couldn't hurt.

Joe Grendel: Sure, I'll make sure he gets it. (He and kevhron leave)

Mommy: Say, did you save any of that stuff for us?

Professor of Nuttiness: I most certainly did! (heh heh heh heh)