"Let It Rain, Let It Rain"

(a diary)
Esther C.

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Table of Contents

Copyright Page
 Table of Contents
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Disclaimer
Introducton: Disappearing Ink
1 The Change
2 Stepping Alone into a Dream
3 Gem and Saying Goodbye
4 Wild Child
5 The Whirlwind
6 Summer of Vampires
7 Black Trench Coat Assembly
8 Into the Shadows
9 Virgin's Blood and the Dizzying Heights
10 Cold Winds Blow
11 Holiday Ghosts
12 Down and Out in Berkeley, Junior High
13 The Awakening
14 The Test
15 Hope at the End of the Rope
16 The Leaps
17 Dry Flowers
18 The Harvest
19 The Magic of Passion- a Rite of Passage
About the Author
Publishing Informaton
Dedicated to my parents, their parents before
them and to all the kids of the past, present
and future.
You are loved.
I would like to acknowledge every person who helped
with this book.
You know who you are.
Thank you.

And to Cybil.
Thank you.
“Let it Rain, Let it Rain” (a diary) is based on actual diaries
but is not entirely a work of nonfiction; parts have been
fictionalized to varying degrees. Names have been
changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.
Introduction: Disappearing Ink
Transcribed from faded papers written over a
quarter a century ago, these stories are the relics
of an era when history itself was scribbled down
effectively in a disappearing ink.

Pen and pencil confessions yellows and dries

within the blue lined paper of notebooks. Written
perhaps by the final generation to have solely
utilized such simple communication devices.

There was a time before car-alarms blared, and

LED lights twinkled in all hours of the night, a
time before the severe California drought – when
rainy winters and salamanders were both
common sights in Northern California. Yes,
indeed, a time of moistness, a time of fog; a time
of magic and mystical thinking; a time when the
easiest escape was with a book and a ripe
imagination.

As this book prepares to go to print – after a

decade long drought, the rain, in abundance, has
returned to California; the water needed to
sustain all living things and hopefully a recurring
trend.

* * *
”Let it Rain, Let it Rain” (a diary) is based on the
diaries of Esther C.

Seeking romance and fairies like young girls

everywhere, Esther's interest in magic is a
standard affair. And it's true, she has much in
common with other girls from around the globe,
yet Esther also possesses a difference: so how
does she differ from other twelve year old girls
living in London or Los Angeles?

1988 Berkeley: the small diverse city bursting at

the seams with espresso shops, innovative
thinkers, drum-circles and street corner
shamans. Berkeley's own particular form of
magic slips throughout its tree-lined streets –
much like the incense smoke you will find there.
This is where Esther grows up swiftly, her reality
shifting dramatically within a year and a half.
Coming face to face with her own shadow,
Esther learns how to define herself as she moves
from tween to teen – and from junior high to high
school.
 PART I

1 THE CHANGE
Still, alone
the beauty of the frozen greenness
and the chilled river
the fog rising
seems so alive
the sun shines bright and cold
my breath is so alive
watch it sing
with the awakening birds
in daylight

(Esther, age 12)

11
Wed. March 30th, 1988

10:00am
Sorry for not writing sooner but my father has been
keeping me on my feet as much as possible. This is
what we did:

Friday- Walk on Broadway for a few blocks.

Saturday- See a movie with Uncle Mike. Go to

Chinatown and Little Italy.

Sunday- Go to Raymond’s (my father's friend) art

studio. Go on Broadway downtown. Go on Circle
Line. Go to Bloomingdales to get clothes. We went to
a lot more places but it’s too much to name.

Now I’m sitting here all dressed up and I’m going to

tea at the Plaza. Not just the “plaza”, but the
“Plaazza”. And it’s not just a mug of hot water and a
bag of Lipton, it costs $17.00 each person.

I would rather get a T -shirt that they sell in

Strawberry Fields (Central Park) it looks like this…

cool huh?

12
Ok, gotta go!

I’ll write more later.

P.S. Yesterday we went to the zoo, the botanic

gardens, and Mike's loft.

Thurs. March 31, 1988

Today I got my hair cut at some place with three giant
floors. My sister Carmen got hers cut too.

Mine didn't look so good (just short on one side).

I said they could just do whatever they wanted, so the

guy just cut off one side - it looked pretty bad.

My sister’s looks good, she knew what she wanted

and asked them for a China doll. They took her to a
different floor.

Everybody always thinks that my sister is older

because she is taller (and knows a lot about fashion),
but Carmen is younger than me, one and a half years
younger.

So after that, my sister had the idea to perm my hair,

so we bought a perm kit. She did it for me, so now it
looks better. It still looks shitty, but weird and
different.
13
Well, I have to go clean the room that’s not mine.

Goodbye, Esther

Sun, April 3, 1988

Not quite sure what time it is….
(I’m not even certain about what time zone I’m in-)

I am in the airplane headed for San Francisco. You’d

think that I’d be glad to be going home, but I’m not
really that happy about it for two main reasons.

One: I’m sad leaving New York, which I had grown to

like, and the friends (adults) I made there.

And two: when I get back many fears are to be faced.

I have to win Christine back as my friend, without
being that mean to Amy –

She really doesn’t know what she is doing, and it

scares me to see somebody so influential and
powerful as Amy be so mean.

And from what she told me, she (and/or her mother)
don’t really know what true friendship is.

Hasn’t Amy ever heard the song “We All Need

Somebody to Lean On”?

In fact I know she has, because when we were

walking on a trail up in Tilden we were all singing it.

14
Also, as I said before, I got my hair cut and permed;
personally I think it looks nice, but I don’t know how
other people will react.

Also I’m reading my favorite V.C Andrews book “Dark

Angel” for the umpteenth time and I realized that
some element is missing in my life and that is true
love romance.

I mean, Christine is going with Ryan (from last I

heard) and I really need someone too.

It’s Spring, romance is in the air, why can’t I find

anyone? Well I can still look but that’s a problem too
because I don’t like anyone.

And it also greatly disturbs me to find out that

Christine was telling all her secrets to Amy and just
lying to me. It just makes me sick.

Amy is ruining Christine and mine friendship, and I

think that she is very conscious about what she is
doing.

Well, I’ll keep you posted.

Esther

Tues. April, 5, 1988

Amy and I are friends again.

Well , I gotta go clean.

15
Goodbye. Esther
Wed. April. 6, “88”
In, school, in 4th period Math.

Hi, I last night realized who I like, it’s Sean- he goes

to my school, but he is not in any of my classes.

Sean’s friends with Christine, so he got my number

from her and called me, we talked on the phone a lot.

I don’t think he likes me, but surprisingly he asked me

to go to the movies with him. But not to suggest it was
a date he said that we should take Christine and
Ryan or someone.

He asked me for Friday night but Christine said that

she couldn’t make it. I don’t know, I’m going to call
Sean later.

These are the pre-plans for my birthday party (I’m

turning 13 in exactly one month and twenty one
days). Invite:

Boys:

Sean, Ryan

Girls:

Amy, Christine, Latisha, Deanna, Blair,

Kanti, Gwendolyn, Esther (*not invite self)

16
Thurs. April 7, 1988
Hi, I’m in Fifth Period Science; I finished my test
early, so I’m just sitting here.

Today before class, Mrs. Ross, my Science teacher,

said that she thinks I came back from Spring Break
different than I was before, that I seemed happier
now. Then she complimented me, and said I look
pretty.

I told her I went to New York over Spring Break, and

then Mrs. Ross said maybe that’s what brought about
the change.

It’s weird. I think visiting New York maybe did change

me-

Because… earlier today in English, I heard Cynthia

talking behind me. (She has always hated me.). She
was talking about me, saying she hated how some
days I come to school looking so gross and other
times I come looking like a fashion model- I guess
Cynthia meant that I looked good today?

I don’t feel like a fashion model today, I just didn’t

know what to wear this morning so I grabbed my
dad’s hat and a scarf. But maybe that was what she
meant.

17
Maybe it’s the perm. Or maybe New York did change
me. I think it did.

I do feel more alive after having gone to New York. I

loved the rainstorms there.

But I have also changed so much since starting junior

high this year. And, when I think about last year,
being in the sixth grade; that seems like forever ago.

Last year in the sixth grade at Malcolm X, I had more

friends than I do now-

But mostly, before Sixth Grade, at Malcolm X, I had

no friends. Everybody hated me: the kids did stuff
everyday like put thumbtacks in my chair and spit
spitballs.

The teacher, Miss Gallager, didn’t care. Although, she

was like, kind of stupid naive. She just let anybody do
whatever they wanted.

Some kids even hung a big sign on the wall in class

that said, “Beware of Esther - the surgeon general’s
warning says that Esther is dangerous to your
health”.

So anyway, I don’t know why, but everybody hated

me. So I would just spend all recess alone, looking at
my feet, or at the sky, twirling around under the big
tree-

And at lunch, I'd never eat lunch. I’d usually spend

18
lunchtime in the library. The librarian was my only
friend. Sometimes I’d help her shelve books, but
mostly I’d just read.

I’d usually read this same big book (we couldn’t check
it out). The book was about witches and witchcraft.
Mostly, it was just a history book, but one rain spell I
got from it would always work for me:

"Let it rain
Let it rain,
The old woman is in the lair,
The little bird sings
And the cock crows.”

When I said this three times in a row, it would rain,

every time.

And that’s how I found out I’m a witch.

Although I’ve actually always known that I'm a witch,

and I've always known that I'm a good witch. I only do
good things with magic.

Anyway, at the end of the Fifth Grade, I started

making up spells. I made up this one love spell – I
had a crush forever, since the forth grade, on my
older brother's best friend named Blake.

He was in the sixth grade at Malcolm X, and I was in

the 5th grade, and he acted like I wasn't alive.

But it was at the end of the 5th grade that I started

19
making up spells and I made up a love charm:

(You write on pink paper with red pen, fold it and tie in
a certain way with red string, and then soak with red
wine vinegar.)

After that, Blake started noticing my existence and

saying hi to me at school, and even one time asked
me to meet him for lunch.

The word got out, and other girls wanted the love
spell too. It got really popular and lots of girls were
trying it. After that, I made some friends-

So I had some friends by the end of the 5th grade.

And in the Sixth Grade at Malcolm X, I had the best

teacher I have ever had: Ms. Kole –

Ms. Kole recognized my writing talent and brought me

presents when it wasn’t even my birthday.

But when I started Seventh Grade at Martin Luther

King Jr. Junior High, most of my friends went to
Willard (the other junior high in Berkeley), or to some
other different school.

Also, a lot of people that had hated me from before,

went to King, with me.

Ok, I gotta go, I’ll finish writing later.

Esther

20
(later) 6:30pm
Hi, I should be cleaning my room, but I wanted to
finish what I was saying earlier- I was writing before
about how much things have changed now that I am
in Seventh Grade, especially with my friends.

I remember at Malcolm X, how mostly everybody

hated me, but at least by the end of the 5th grade I
had made some friends.

Then, the summer in between the 5th and 6th grade I

went on The Trip.

The Trip was my mom’s idea, a summer-long

camping trip. She wanted to take me and my sister,
our two brothers and the dog in a station wagon all
across the U.S.A, and she did.

My parents were divorced by the time I went on The

Trip – my dad was in Brazil doing capoeira (an Afro-
Brazilian martial art-dance form). So my mom and us
just camped and lived in the car for the summer, we
didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Anyway, I remember when I got home from The Trip

and started the Sixth Grade it was good that
everybody didn’t hate me anymore, so I had some
friends- And I had Ms. Kole that year.

But… still… one time in the Sixth Grade, these girls I

21
was friends with: Kanti, and Aisha, along with Paula
and Cynthia (the twins) came up to me after school;
they all took turns slapping me in the face, and saying
mean things. I didn’t try and stop them. I just stood
there and cried.

Paula and Cynthia (the twins) have hated me since

forever a long time. Paula and Cynthia were
sometimes sort of my friends, but mostly not. They go
to King with me.

But even though Aisha and Kanti did that in the sixth
grade, I stayed friends with both of them.

Except now I’m not friends with Aisha anymore-

Aisha was my only friend that went to King with me;

when we started school we would go to the North
Berkeley Library together once a week, to read and
check out books.

But then one day in school, Aisha said that she was
just “using me for my MTV", which didn’t even make
sense, because what we had in common, was that
we both liked to going to the library and reading- and
we barely ever watched TV together.

Aisha said that right in front of Paula and Cynthia (so

maybe she was just taking their side), but Aisha and I
are still not friends. I have not been back to the North
Berkeley Library since then because it makes me
melancholy thinking of when we were friends

22
So after that, Amy and Christine became my only
friends at King. Neither of them went to Malcolm X,
nor do they know Paula and Cynthia. For that, I am
glad.

At first it was just Christine and I (we are in Science

together). Then Amy moved to Berkeley in January,
so we all became friends. Amy’s other friends are
Latisha and Deanna- so we are all kind of a group at
school.

I only have three friends outside of school: Blair, Kanti

and Gwendolyn

Blair and Kanti used to be best friends. They were

both born on an island called Maui in Hawaii. They
are both the astrological sign of Cancer the crab. (I
was born in San Francisco, and my sign is Gemini the
twins.)

Over last summer Kanti stopped liking Blair.

Kanti is always getting jealous of everybody. She is

sometimes even jealous of me. Even though, like I
told you, Kanti was one of the girls who took turns
slapping me last year, she is still my friend, but we
don’t always get along.

But Kanti and I still do psychic readings and stuff

together, sometimes. I don’t do psychic readings with
Blair anymore.

Last year in the sixth grade, Blair, Kanti, and I used to

23
always read each other’s futures and make up
visions, like stories, to go along with the futures.

But then once, at the end of the sixth grade, Blair and
I read each others futures. I had always given Blair
good futures, and she always had given me good
futures too, but that one time she read my future and
said I was “missing my father”, like he wasn't around
anymore.

I think that Blair was feeling bad and maybe jealous,

because she does not know who her own father is -
so she was taking it out on me. So after that time I
didn’t feel like doing psychic readings with her
anymore. So we don’t.

But Blair and I don't really argue, and we take a jazz

dance class together.

Also Blair's house smells good, like the coconut ‘Skin

Trip’ skin lotion or something, and Blair’s mom is nice.

I don’t know why, but Kanti and I argue, and her

house smells sort of bad. I’m not sure what smell it is
exactly, maybe sour milk?

And Kanti’s mom is sort of mean.

But even though we argue sometimes, Kanti is still

my friend.

I guess if my house smells like anything, it smells like

books - because that’s all we really have here- (my
24
dad has a bookshop on Shattuck- but there’s so
many books in our house, so it kinda feels like a
bookstore here too.)

Gwendolyn is my only other friend- she lives next

door, but only part of the time (on the weekends) at
her dad’s (their house smell is good, like those
gingerbread “windmill” cookies, I guess, I don’t know
why I’m writing about all the house smells).

Gwendolyn is fourteen, two years older than me and

she started at Berkeley High this year. I’ve known her
since I was two (when I moved from San Francisco
into my house on Rose street).

I also hang out with my sister Carmen a lot, but she is

younger, in the fifth grade, and has her own group of
friends at Art’s Magnet where she goes to school.

Gotta go!

(Later) 9:18pm
Christine just called- so it turns out she is free after all
this Friday (tomorrow).

I told you about that yesterday; how Sean asked me

to go to the movies with him, but not to suggest it was
a date, he wanted to ask Christine and Ryan...and
Christine said she wasn’t free, but now she is.

She’s coming over after school to spend the night.

25
So maybe we will go to the movies with Sean after all,
(if it’s ok with my dad) although I kind of doubt we will
go because Christine said she doesn’t like Sean, not
even as a friend.

Anyway, I really do like Sean and I hope he calls me

tonight- he said he would.

Bye!

Esther

Fri, April 8th, 1988

Hi,

I feel like I am one of the last girls I know, who has

never kissed a boy, (not even in truth or dare).

I have held hands twice in my life -

I held hands once with Noah, who I went with in the

sixth grade, (‘going with’ means you are together like
that ) and once, with Peter, who I went with in camp
this last summer.

I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want to kiss

anyone- but maybe, if I did, it might be Sean. I’m
really starting to like him a lot.

Sean and I talk on the phone almost every night,

usually for a long time, and about all kinds of things

That’s all.
26
2 STEPPING ALONE INTO A
DREAM

Sun. April 10, 1988

Hi, I feel bad.

Last night I spent the night at Blair’s house. I told you

about her, she is was my friend from the sixth grade.
Not anymore.

Blair had this tequila inside a Seven Up bottle, and

got drunk. She was acting really weird. She took off
her clothes and was riding a big pillow like it was a
horse, with a tube of lipstick between her legs. She
was trying to get me to do it too. I didn’t want to do it,
and I told her so.

Then we went to sleep. Then Blair kept pleading to let

her do oral sex on me. I kept saying “no” but then she
did anyway.

Gross! I don’t want to think about it. Then she tried to

get me to do it on her. I told her I wouldn’t. She said
it tasted like seafood. I said I didn’t like seafood.

I didn’t sleep much. As soon as it was morning I

called my Dad. He came to pick me up. I went
home. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
27
I don’t want to talk to Blair ever again. Also I don’t
want to be friends with her anymore. I’m not sure
what to do because we have dance class together.

But at least she doesn’t go to King and (outside of

dance) I don’t have to go to dance anyway.

I want to make a new beginning tomorrow! I will start

over. I will change my life.

I feel myself changing tomorrow and my life will start

over. Tomorrow.

28
29
Mon. April 11, 1988

7:30 pm
Dear notebook,

Hello, I had a mighty good day for my first day as my

“new beginning”.

First of all Christine and Amy are out of my life

forever. By their choice and not mine.

Second of all, Deanna thinks I gave her poison oak,

(which is unlikely).

Oh nothing would delight me more than moving to

New York at this point! It would be my dream to live
in some nice house in the suburbs and start a new
life.

The only people I’d really miss would be Sean and

Gwendolyn. Of course I would miss Berkeley too, but
I could always visit!

But now my Dad is saying that the move would be

unlikely so Boo Hoo!

Esther

P.S. I really do like Sean, and I’m going to ask him to

go to Great America with me, (that’s an amusement
park, in case you didn’t know) but only if I can get the

money to go.
30
Fri. April 15, 1988

10:00pm

Hi, I’m so sad! Tonight I called Sean and told him I

like him and you know what that sweet young thing
said? He said he likes Christine! Life couldn’t be
worse, I feel like crying.

And then he explained to me his idea of something or

other – it was about being in a hammock in the forest.
Snuggled together in a blanket looking at the stars.
Sound identical? Well it’s my very own ‘yours truly’
thought too!

My opinion is that he’s too good for her. But he might

be too good for me also.

He deserves someone beautiful and gorgeous. He

said Christine is “good looking” and well lets just put it
this way, he said that I’m “interesting looking”. That’s
what he said, it really is.

Why can’t any decent human boy like me?

Well there has been a long string of those great nice

31
guys who stole me from civilization for the moment.
But who can say when I’ll ever have the romance.

It makes me ill to think about Sean loving Christine.

He said he once upon a time did.

And of course I never think of sex with boys I like. I’d

rather just have romance.

Walking in the midnight smelling the flowers. A picnic

by a gurgling brook with horses tethered not too far
off in the meadows.

A first kiss, which I have yet to experience.

A prom night, with the orchids and all! When will the
dream end?

I don’t know but I’m calling Sean at 11 o’clock tonight.

Keep you informed

Esther

Sat. April 16, 1988

9:45 pm
Sick, sick is how I felt when I sat there that Moment
ago telling Sean that I didn’t like him.

Well that’s true! I love him. I said I like him as a friend,

32
which is true, but I like him as a special friend.

Someone I can tell my dreams to. Someone who I

can meet in a special place and just snuggle with
under the stars. Someone who has the right to hold
my hand and stroke my hair. Someone who will
understand me.

And someone who will (lets face it kiss me) once in a

while.

And here Sean is wishing Christine likes him (I have a

creeping suspicion that she does). And I am liking
Sean. And we can’t be together. What a bittersweet
ending to this page in my life.

Is it the ending? It’s certainly bitter. The more I think

about it, the more I miss Christine’s friendship.

I think the feeling that I am experiencing is loneliness.

I admit it. I’m as lonely as a flower in a junkyard, or in
my case a piece of junk in a flowerbed.

Why am I feeling sorry for myself? I don’t know. I

can’t quite get a grip on reality these days.

When I think about love, my life seems to fall into

place. I think Shakespeare said it best “like a lark
rising from sullen earth” or something like that from
that sonnet.

Maybe I can compare myself to Marilyn Monroe, not

to be snobby, but she, as Elton John says, she was
33
“like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to turn
to when the rain set in”.

Or like Ann Frank with her two sides and her friends
and family who just didn’t understand her. So she
took to writing a diary. And I hate to point this out but
they were both Gemini.

Or maybe V.C. Andrews said it best in her book “Dark

Angel”, “a romantic idealist born to destroy and self
destruct.” Do you think that’s me? Well what ever I
am, I am a dreamer.

And “What Happens to a Dream Defrayed? Does it

dry up like a raisin in the sun?”- by Langston Hughes.
What? I must be going mad. I’ve heard that love is
blind, but never schizophrenic. Well maybe I’m not
crazy, just literate.

But in any case I know that I’m in love, because I care

more about Sean’s happiness than my own.

I think I might talk to him about it. Never do a love

spell because firstly, I doubt a love spell would be
true love. And secondly, a love spell would return to
me threefold- and I think that I already love Sean
quite enough at this point.

Oh yeah, Noah, (I told you about him, we went

together in the sixth grade,) anyway, we held hands
once when we were going together and he gave me
some Gummi Bears for my Birthday, they were in a

34
gold box (not real gold, but cardboard) I still have the
box in my special drawer.

Anyway, Noah does not seem important to me

anymore, but the memories with him do.

“Memories… touch me, it’s so easy to leave me, all

alone with the memories of my days in the sun…”

What am I doing? Why I am writing down the words

to “Memories” from the musical "Cats" ? I used to
love that song, but I need rest!

I hope Sean calls me though!

Bye!

Esther

Sun. April 17, 1988

Today I saw a movie with Tammy, she's my 'Big
Sister' (from United Way's “Big Sister-Big Brother"
program).

The movie was called “Biloxi Blues”, a movie about

the Army. I guess you could call it a human comedy.
It was pretty funny except the part about the gay
people majorly disturbed me.

Two guys from one platoon were caught in the

showers doing some homo things. One guy got found
35
but the other guy escaped unseen and they didn’t
show who the unseen guy was but the other guy was
sent to prison.

Also this other guy everyone thinks he is gay but he is

not. It’s pretty weird. Something about gay activities
really disturbs me. Well, enough on that subject.

I’m thinking now that I would want to go to a boarding

school next year but only for the eighth grade. It
would be neat to go to school somewhere across the
country, somewhere where nobody knows me and I
could escape from the rumors at King.

Speaking of rumors, I saw somebody wrote, “Esther

is a slut” on the wall of the gym-

I’m the only person named “Esther” at school so I’m

sure it’s about me, but it’s weird- people calling me a
slut, because as I told you, I’ve never even kissed a
boy.

I just wish I could leave this school.

But anyway, now my Dad is saying that boarding

schools are very expensive and when he’s rich I can
go to one.

I was thinking maybe I can get my Grandpa to pitch

in. I don’t know?

Also, I’ve been getting ideas about the novel I’ve

been meaning to write, but never have the time and
36
the paper.

Oh, speaking of paper, I’m all out of it for school, what

will I do tomorrow?

Oh, speaking of tomorrow, what am I going to do at

lunch? I hope it rains so I have an excuse to go to the
library.

Oh, its pitiful not having any friends.

That’s one of the reasons a boarding school sounds

like a positive solution to me.

I hope my Dad wins the lottery.

Mon. April 18, 1988

Hi, I have some news. Take it any way you want, but
I’m taking it as good news.

I found out that Sean doesn’t know about Christine’s

bad points. Like her unsightly cellulite muscle in the
butt thigh area (which I explained to him in gruesome
detail) and he seemed a bit put out.

And also about her long nose and I put it bluntly when
I said it’s even longer than mine.

Just wait until tomorrow when he sees her and he

won’t be so ready to compliment her about how good
she looks! (Ha).
37
I also pointed out that she can’t speak for herself
(which she can’t.) In fact she can’t even think for her
self although I think that Sean knew that already.

I know I am getting some kind of vicious pleasure

about all this.

But this is Christine’s profile:

38
This is her from the front:

Her hair is blond (dyed.) And she stuffs her chubby

body into tight Guess jeans, so that she does what
everyone else does.

And I mean stuffs!

Amy and Christine don’t really hang out together

39
anymore.

Also another good thing is that Sean is finally reading

my astrology book and it says a whole bunch of good
stuff about Gemini (me) and that they are compatible
with Aquarius (him).

But I gotta go

Esther

Sat. April 23, 1988

10:40 pm

Today I found out that Sean doesn’t like Christine

anymore. Because (he said) she’s turning into a
snobby bitch, yay! Mission one accomplished.

Now to start mission two, make Sean like me! I don’t

know how easy that will be. But it might happen and
the sooner the better.

Also I’m trying not to call Sean that much so he won’t

think I’m annoying or anything.

Well, goodnight.

Esther

40
P.S. I have this kind of weird psychic feeling that
Henry has a crush on me, sicko.

Oh yeah. I forgot to say that the rest of the world is

catching on to my gold mine. Everybody at school is
now reading V.C Andrews books. And to think - I
started reading them last year when nobody was. I’m
still loyal, so I should get down to some serious
reading. For the thousandths of times.

Goodbye my little diary that gives me writers-cramp.

goodbye.

Tues. April 26, 1988

9:30 pm
Hi, I did something on Sunday that I promise myself I
will never do again, Take L.S.D. I don’t know why I
did it. It’s just that I felt I needed a chance to try
something different. I will explain it later but now I
gotta go.

Goodbye

Esther

(Same Date) 9:35pm

41
Hi, I’m back. It’s kinda hard to describe what it’s like
but I’ll try-

At first, before I took the L.S.D, my big brother Nathan

(he is fourteen, two years older than me) asked me if
I wanted to try it, and I asked him what it was like,
and he said it was like being “drunk and stoned at the
same time.”

I didn’t tell my brother, but I have never been drunk or

stoned.

Then when I took it, I went outside with my neighbor

Gwendolyn (she didn’t know.)

We played on the swing-set for a while. Then I just

started laughing and doing weird things. I kept
asking ,“am I acting weird?”

We had this golf ball that we stole from Mr.Yee's

backyard. We cut it open and inside it was a one
really long rubber-band all wound up like a ball of
yarn, I played with it for a while.

Then I went in. I called Sean and talked to him for a

long time. I think he may have noticed that I was
acting weird but then again I am weird.

And then I watched a movie called “The Stepfather”. I

was seeing weird things, like from the video Def –
Leppard “Hysteria”. All sparkly and weird.

“The Stepfather” really freaked me out. It was about

42
this man who chopped up his family and then
changes his identity and finds a new one. He is doing
this a lot until he gets killed.

And then after, I saw another movie. Sorta porno

about a whore-house. I didn’t see all of that but it was
also disturbing. Then around twelve midnight I went
to bed.

Three minutes later my Dad came home. I pretended

to be asleep but I opened my eyes and saw a whole
bunch of florescent cloth dogs on my floor with golf
ball shaped Las Vegas lights on the wall.

On the window was a big colorful golf ball spinning

around. It was so weird.

Then these big slinky tubes came out of my ceiling-

they were like a pair of goggles, so I pulled them
down and put them over my eyes, I could see into the
whole universe through them.

It was really weird. My room kept changing and then I

closed my eyes. I can’t tell you what I saw because it
was so much.

So I just lay there seeing things and magnifying and

thinking about everything under the sun in a profound
way. At one point I thought I might even be God or
something.

I kept thinking about inner space. Infinity. And the

sounds I heard were weird too. But I don’t think I’m
43
ever going to do this again.

P.S. I might go with Sean to Great America, this time

for real!

Wed. April 27, 1988

Hi, today was weird. Kids jumping up at sound of the
bell- it all seemed weird, kind of like a farm or
something.

I don’t think kids really need bells to tell them what

time it is, if they have a clock right there on the wall
too.

And today I was still kind of thinking about the other

night, and how I felt when I looked into the universe.

Like how all the thinking and examining led me back

to the thought that I was actually God and I created
everything, it was a weird thought.

It was partly weird, because I don’t know what that

would mean. I guess I don’t know much about God or
religion.

But maybe God has nothing to do with religion

anyway, I don’t know? But Religion seems like a
weird thing.

I remember when I was like nine, that Judy Blume

44
book “Are You There God, It’s Me, it’s me Margaret”
was my favorite book.

I felt just like the girl in the book, because one side of
her family was Jewish and the other side was
Christian, same as me. And she talks to God trying to
figure it out, I did that too.

My dad says “Jewish by descent not religion”- (my

grandpa on my dad's side is a scientist, so I guess
maybe scientists don’t have much use for religion).

My mom’s family is Christian, and I sometimes

wonder if they don't like us (me and my sister and
brothers), as much because of this, because we don’t
really have a religion. My grandma called us
“heathens” before.

Even though I don’t see my mom’s family very often

anymore, I have gone to church and Sunday school
and stuff. My grandma on my mom's side is in the
Salvation Army.

And once when I was nine, I was staying with my

aunt and uncle in southern California, I had my soul
saved by Billy Graham; they had me sign a paper in a
football field. And I did accept Jesus into my heart.

But later that night, just because I couldn’t find the

word Jesus carved in a wooden fish, someone said I
still wasn’t saved- and I didn’t really believe them, but
it was still weird.

45
I remember walking on hot coals using the power of
Jesus back then too. That’s a weird memory, but as
far as I can tell, it does not show me anything about
God.

When I was little, my parents were Macrobiotic (it’s

from ancient Japan: miso soup, brown rice, seaweed,
only cooked food, chewing each bite 25 times, stuff
like that, but it’s more than just about food, in some
ways it’s almost like a religion).

They met in the 1970’s in the Hollywood hills at a

Macrobiotic commune or a study house or something.

Our dining table was on the floor, like a Japanese

table. We used chopsticks. I didn’t know how to use
a fork.

Before my parents got divorced my mom used to

make futons by hand for the whole family and beat
them out each week over the balcony with a special
wooden futon-beater.

I’ve never had shots or western medicine, and I have

been seeing a Chinese doctor and getting
acupuncture since I was in the womb.

My parents showed me yoga and meditation. At

Jefferson (K through 3rd grade) I was in the Chinese
bi-lingual class. I took akido. We did chanting. We
had an ancestor alter.

And I remember, a kind of Japanese religion- I think

46
they are called Shinto, a Shinto woman came once
and cleansed our house of ghosts that my mom had
been seeing. The Shinto woman chanted and threw
rice and left a silk packet of prayers above the door.
That packet of prayers is still there- above the front
door

I remember when my parents got divorced and I was

supposed to choose which parent to live with, and I
was having trouble deciding which parent to live with -
so my dad brought down this big book called The I-
Ching (that’s an ancient Chinese oracle.)

You toss different size sticks and see where they land
(you can use coins too), each possible pattern that
the sticks (or coins) land goes along with a different
poem like thing in The I-Ching.

The part that I got actually talked about the “first born
daughter” (that’s me) and her father and her mother,
and how she’d have more food at her mother’s but
more creative energy with her father. It actually said
that! It was exactly like my life.

And that’s how I choose to live with my father. (And

it’s true, what it said, we never have any food in the
house). I’m sure my mom would have food, but I do
feel more creative in Berkeley with my dad, than in
Oregon, where my mom moved.

But I know that everything in Macrobiotics is based on

the idea of the yin-yang. So, if there was ever a
47
religion that I was raised with, it would be something
like that -whatever that is. I know it’s something.

But as far as the thought of -God-, I guess I don’t

know exactly what God means.

I guess it’s like the creator of all things? Like I said, I

used to talk to God sometimes when I was little,
sometimes when I was falling asleep, maybe that is
like praying?

And I think you can still have God or Jesus in your

heart and be a witch at the same time. Like I told you,
I'm a good witch, and anyway, the real meaning
behind the word “witch” is “wise woman”.

I guess that is why I'm more sure what magic is than

what God is, because magic is more something you
can touch.

God and the whole universe usually seems so big

and almost far away. It's almost like we are not
supposed to know all of it, mostly.

But the other night, it’s was like I was close, almost
like I could touch it, and more than that, it was what I
created, and it's funny that it kept coming back to that
-I- that had created it all, that I was really God.

I mean, why would I be God?

Me, of all people? That would be too weird.

Although, it made me think of inner space, and outer
48
space and maybe how we all could be the God of our
own universe or something.

Anyway, I don’t know, it was weird, but like I said, I’m

not planning to do that (take L.S.D), again.

I need to go clean my room.

Sean is supposed to call in an hour.

Bye!

Thurs. April 28, 1988

Hi, today was weird. First, after school Peter sang
“Hi” to me. I told you about Peter, we went together in
camp, last summer. He is the only other boy (besides
Noah) who I ever held hands with-

When Peter and I were going together, we held

hands and walked around Pier 39- he bought me a
candy bar of some good chocolate. I still have the
candy bar wrapper in my special drawer, (along with
the gold empty box from the Gummi Bears that Noah
gave me.)

Anyway, Peter was just finished with starring in the

school play so I thought he might be a little hyped up.

Then Peter walked down the hall and he ran into

Marvin Mack. (I’ve never told you about Marvin , but

49
he’s kinda sick.) Marvin picked Peter up and
mutilated him in more ways than I thought possible.

Then I got this sudden thought that I needed to tell

Peter that I wanted to be his friend. So I followed
them (Marvin and Peter, along with their friends Zenia
and Danny) into the library and they took a table
across the room.

I checked out three books on Italy and went near the

desk and stared at Peter.

Then after awhile Marvin came over and asked

“what’s wrong?” I said, “I have a right to stand here
and stare at Peter if I want”.

Marvin said, “Do you like Peter?” “I used to go with

him”, was my response.

And then Marvin said, “why aren’t you with your

friends?”

“Because they turned against me,” I said.

“I’ll be your friend,” Marvin said. So I went to a table

and talked to him about broken bones.

50
And then I went over to Peter. I asked him if he liked
my coat. He said the paisley side looked good on
me, but that he hated paisley and he hated me. So I
bent down and took off his shoe and put it in my bag
and walked away.

I wanted to be alone but unfortunately Marvin

followed me. So I went home. Marvin followed me
inside and then all over my house.

Finally Peter called and said he was at the pay phone

and that he wanted his shoe. I finally got him to say
he’d come over ’cause I needed to talk to him. So he
said ok.

After about 45 minutes he finally came hopping down

the street and then he came in. I gave him his shoe
and we talked (actually I talked he allegedly listened)
then we watched the last of “Double Dare”. Then we
turned off the TV.

I talked more intensely this time, using phrases like ” I

remember” and “I used to”. I had gotten to no point
whatsoever and it was five-thirty so we watched
51
“Silver Spoons”.

At around 6:00 I heard my Dad drive up. I didn’t

wanna go through with his teasing so I dragged Peter
to the backyard. We exited the property from there.
Peter went home. And inside my Father said, “who’s
your friend?” Oh well, so much for that.

At around 7:30 I called Sean and told him what I just

wrote. He said he thinks he knows that Peter likes
me. I didn’t think he did, so I said so.

And so we talked about all kinds of things and then

Sean said that all his friends think he should go with
me. If this means what I think it does...

Then he said that Marvin is hitting on every girl in

school. We talked more and then he had to go. I hope
he likes me!

P.S. I found out that there is no school May 20st, the

day I was planning to have my birthday party. And
then I remembered that Tammy, (I told you about her,
my "Big Sister" from United Way) well, she has her
graduation from Cal on the 21st, what shall I do?
52
Goodnight

Esther

Fri. April 29, 1988

11:30pm
Tonight I called Sean and I guessed, (right before he
was planning to tell me) that he likes Amy “sorta”.

He was amazed with my “sixth sense” and asked me

how I knew. I just had one of my “creeping
suspicions”. I told Sean that have been psychic my
whole life.

Oh why can’t he like me? If my “creeping suspicions”

are always right then why is the sixth sense telling me
Sean likes me?

Oh I know I like him! Why can’t he just like me back?

How does this sound? Mrs. Esther Lefebvre (or
something). Good, don’t you think?

“I love him, I love him, I love him, and where he goes

I’ll follow, I’ll follow, I’ll follow, he’ll always be my true
love, my true love, my true love, from now until
forever, I will follow him everywhere he goes”

I don’t know the rest of the song so I guess I should

stop writing it.

If I could go with him it would make me so happy.

53
Twice as happy as when I went with Noah in the sixth
grade (and that’s pretty happy). I wish I could go with
him because I love him. Do you hear that Sean?

And I mean it. I am so in love with you that I can’t

think about anybody else but you.

...and I haven't eaten chocolate in weeks.

“Love, love , love, all you need is love, love, love,

love”.

54
Sean “let me take you down ’cause we’re going to
strawberry fields, nothing is real and nothing to get
hum about”… “I want you! I want you so badaadad
that it’s driving me mad!”…”something in the way he
moves…”

And that’s just some songs.

I could think of hundreds of songs that understand

love.

But only one boy: Sean. I love him.

Goodnight

Sat. April 30, 1988

12:33 am
That’s right I’m up this late. I’m spending the night at
my friend Kanti’s house (I told you about her, she is
my friend from the sixth grade) and I’m so happy
because I called Sean and I read to him the entry of
April 15th. I don’t know if he was surprised because I
mentioned that it was a long time ago.

And then Dear Notebook, he read me an entry from

his diary, only he calls it a “journal”. He said that there
was a lot of other entries about me but he just read
me this one. Oh do you know what he said?

55
He said that, “Esther is a girl that is really sweet, and
that he “keeps on getting flashes about that he likes
me and wants to go with me! But…”

And then I stopped him. I didn’t want hear about “but”.

So I read the entry of April 16th and boy was I brave,
I deserve a medal or something. Boy, that entry said
how I love him. I don’t think his reaction was that
astounding but his Mother said he had to get off the
phone so he said he’d call back.

Then Kanti and I called and ordered pizza. When we

were eating it I offered to let her read my diary.
Although she didn’t seem too enthusiastic about it,
she said Ok. So she read some of you (not all).

Kanti wanted me to try my old love spell, the one from

the end of the fifth grade (with the red ink, red string,
pink paper and vinegar) but I already told you about
why I don’t want to do any kind of love spell, so I said
I didn’t want to.

Then she wanted to go and sing under the moonlight,

the moon was full, so we did that, then we came in

And then we might….. And I mean m-i-g-h-t go to a

swimming party tomorrow. Because Kanti wants to
meet Sean and vise versa.

But the problem is that it’s somewhere far away and

none of us can drive yet. So maybe (if Kanti’s Mom
can drive us) we’ll go. I’d love it.

56
Well goodbye.

Esther

May 1st 1988

8:38pm
As it turns out that girl who was having that party
didn’t want Sean and I to come, so Kanti went to the
party alone and I went home.

I basically hung out with my sister Carmen and my

neighbor Gwendolyn. I talked to Sean off and on.

He seemed annoyed with me and said nothing of last

nights talk as if it was just a dream.

I know that it was the full moon’s fault that we were

both so crazy. When I said “I don’t know what
possessed me to do this…” I was lying.

And now I wonder if …. Singing, like I did last night,

under the full moon, will it do anything? I was hoping
it would open up the psychic connection between
Sean and me, but now, I don’t know.

Finally about ten minutes ago I called Sean and

asked if he was surprised with what I read to him. He
said “not really”.

57
Oh yeah, I found out that what he read to me was
from February sometime or March (so he says). And
also he told me that his brother stole his journal.

Tonight it still looks like full moon but I don’t think it is.

Sean is sworn to call me at nine or else, said I, “I will

shoot you with the oozy that I have hidden under my
mattress”(I am so weird! But Sean knows that
already.)

So I should sort out what I’m going to talk to him

about because I have this bad habit of just talking
nonsense, for a long time, getting no point by what so
ever, so…

Agenda

what to talk to Sean about:

1)”When you read me that entry you sounded like you

sorta liked me, is that true? “

2) (if yes) do you still feel that way?

2 B) (if no) What exactly did you mean?

3) (continued from 2) if no what exactly do you feel? If

yes, whoa!

Cross all that out, he just called and he said his

Mother said she wanted him to go to sleep but he
wanted to hear what I was trying to tell him.

58
I said “it’s kinda long”. So he said “just tell it to me”.
But I asked him if I could just give a note tomorrow
and he said “ok” and we hung up. So now I’m going
to write it now.

I wish I had my diary ready for him to read. So he

could read the parts concerning him, but honestly
there is so much about him it would take a long time.

So maybe I’ll just write him a note stating the facts.

When I write about him I say that I love him but that
I’m confused about it.

So that’s what I’ll do:

Sean,

I don’t want you to have to read the monotonous

details I have written, but basically there is two
different thoughts that I put down on paper write
about you. One, is that I love you. Now this might be
quite a shock to you, and I know that love is a strong
word, that a lot of people misuse don’t use it right, but
I am. using it correctly

And the next is that because you act (or react) to me

in such a way that that I think you hate me, I’m upset.
This may also be a shock to you but now that my
feeling are everything is out in the open I just want to
ask you one question, do you like me ????? I mean
the little signs you leave around are telling me. I
thought you did because of what you told me but now

59
I don’t know-

Monday May 2,1988

10:30pm
Whoever said, “I hate Mondays” probably never
heard of me. Because today…
It started off like any ordinary Monday, the hustling
and bustling around me, then I went to school.

Remembered I forgot the note so I wrote another one.

And then in the middle of first period I remembered

something else, my Math homework that counts for
my final grade and Monday was the last day to turn it
in.

So off I rushed to the office to see if I could call my

Dad, to see if I could walk home and get it. So I did
and I could. So I got it, and I went through school and
at break I gave Sean the note. This is what it said:

“Because you don’t have E.S.P as I do, I guess I’ll

have to tell you what I’ve been thinking”. Then I went
on to say what I already said here in my diary last
night in that pretend conversation (my practice note).
Then I went home.

Family therapy is today. My Dad took me and my

sister Carmen to pick up my big brother Nathan - my

60
brother didn’t show up so we went without him. My
Dad was pretty mad and was taking it out on us, so
me and my sister were pretty explosive.

My sister is usually pretty quiet during therapy, but

today she was crying so much, I guess because she
is still only in the fifth grade, and me being in the
seventh, I have to be more mature, so I was trying to
help calm her down.

I don’t think it’s good for Carmen that every one

thinks of her as so mature. But maybe I'm the only
one who knows about that.

Then we went home. I remembered that I had to

babysit at 6:30, so I didn’t do much until then, just
called Sean off and on, but his Mother got annoyed
so I stopped.

When I went to babysit, I called him once more, this

time I could talk to him, and so I asked him what he
thought of me.

First he said “I like you as a friend” then I probed

harder and came up with some interesting things. He
said that he thinks I’m good looking, nice, that he’s
glad he knows me, that he always liked me as a
friend but a lot of times he likes me more than a
friend.

Then I probed harder and found out he was keeping

this from me because he likes girls with lots of

61
friends. And I do not have a lot.

And until now he liked Christine. But before I could

tell him what I think of him, his brother made him get
off the phone.

I babysat for a while more then I came home. I got

ten dollars and come Saturday that’s fifteen more, so
that dream to go to Great America might become a
reality someday.

So now I’m going to sleep but I’m going to make it a

point to tell, not write, how I feel about Sean, to him.

62
3 GEM AND SAYING
GOODBYE

Tues. May 3, 1988

10:00 pm
Hi,

The most exciting thing that happened today was that

I found out I could babysit for my father’s bookkeeper
tomorrow. I also got new clothing and an A minus in
Math , but I was feeling a little weird today and
accepted them as usual happenings.

First of all I just don’t like Sean as much as I used to

because now he just doesn’t talk to me. I’m sure the
president of the United States has more time to talk to
me than he does. Maybe he’s just busy, but in any
case he doesn’t attempt to look at me or even talk to
me at school.

I doubt he even thinks about me.

Although I must remember he is an Aquarius and my

book says that when they like you they act like they
hate you. If that’s the case, then his is a strange
philosophy.

But as I said before I do have E.S.P and I can tell

63
what people feel about me.

And I think that he likes me`, but that he is just

embarrassed to admit it to me or anyone else. I don’t
know! I just don’t.

I also, became re-friends with Chloe. We used to be

best friends in the 2nd and 3rd grade, and then we
drifted apart. But today I asked her if we could start
over, she said yes.

But when I think of the string of people that used to

be my best friends, you’d think I was fickle but I’m
not. Really.

Maybe I’ll talk to Sean tomorrow. He has never said a

word to me at school.

Or maybe Isaac will like me.

Goodbye,

Lori Gem yes, that’s your name.

As in diamond, emerald, ruby and so on.

Thank you Gem

-Esther

64
Wed May 4, 1988

10:30pm
Dear Gem,

I just babysat and made another $10.00 that means I

have $70.00 now. Oh I am getting rich. And they
asked me if I could babysit again on Friday.

Now for your local news update on Sean-

I realized today that I still like him. When did I realize

this? Today at the assembly when I saw him talking
and laughing with Karen!

I know I shouldn’t, but then and there my eyes turned

green with envy. I mean I wanted to root out and
destroy every bone in Karen’s body- not that she has
much of a body.

Yes I know that it’s wrong to feel jealous like that, and
I am sorry. I don’t even know Karen very well, but
getting jealous was the only way I could see that I still
liked Sean.

This is what happened concerning Sean today-

Today I saw Sean in the library, and I was mad at him

because he didn’t even say hi or anything. So I sat
down and wrote him a mean note that said all kinds of
mean things. Then I left.

65
Then I saw him in assembly, (I told you about that)
and I realized what I did. So when I went to sixth
period I wrote him an “I’m sorry” letter and that I
would call him at seven.

So I go home, go to babysit, call at seven, he’s going

somewhere and said that I should call him in half an
hour. So I do, he’s eating dinner call him in half an
hour, so I do, he’s doing his homework and “can I
leave my number and he can call back?” “No” I say. “I
mean I don’t have it,” say I.

So I say I can find it and call back give it to him, so I

look all over and finally I call back saying I can’t find
it. So his Mother says Ok, but she gives the phone to
Sean and I hear her saying “Sean I want you up here
with that homework now!”

So I say “I guess you can’t talk?” but Sean says he

can for a minute. So he says that I was right, that he
was mad at me, but now he’s not. So then we get off
the phone ’cause he has to go do his homework.

Speaking of homework I’m way behind on my History

report due on Friday and haven’t gotten in any Math
homework since Monday.

But back to Sean-

As I told you, he has never spoken a word to me at

school, and until now I’ve been too shy to talk to him
at school- but tomorrow I promise myself, I’m going

66
up to Sean and I’m going to say “Look Sean, I really
like you a lot and if you are interested in developing a
relationship please tell me because I was almost
ready to give up on the whole thing.”

And just see what he says. I mean what have I got to

loose but my pride. So I’ve gotta take my chance but
only if the vibes are good.

But I guess, if I’m just too shy to talk to him tomorrow,

I could possibly make up a charm to wear. Not a love
spell- but a charm to make me less shy around him.
Now that the roses are starting to bloom, I could
make a charm with roses, it could be a good idea.

Today on the way home, I picked a daisy and I did

the thing where you pluck the petals around in a circle
and say

“He loves me, he loves me not”. I landed on “he

loves me”- I saved the daisy with the one remaining
petal in my special drawer.

Love,

Esther

67
Thurs. May 5,1988
Dear Gem,

I figured you out today. You are a spirit that’s in my

book. You also walk beside me at all times of the day.
You tell me things that people think about me and you
like me.

And about Sean, I’m back to loving him even though I

doubt he likes me. How could I go wrong with all the
signs, you saw them, didn’t you? You know that Sean
does like me, even though I doubted it.

Sean even said he likes me as a friend but a lot of the

time he thinks that he likes me more. Why can’t he
straighten his mind out?

He has me running around in circles trying to find the

door to his heart. At one time I thought I had it but
now I lost it again. I wish Sean could know how I feel

68
about him, but my wish is cold, and like the wind it is
not welcome to the door of his heart (so I think).

So goodbye

Esther

Fri, 6th, May 88

Dear Gem,

I am truly lonely. Now that Christine and Amy are out

of my life, I have no friends at school.

Even though Chloe said she was willing to be friends

again, she still never talks to me.

Outside of school, my only friends are Kanti and

Gwendolyn.

Kanti gets mad so much, and she is always saying

stuff like how she is fat, comparing her body with
mine.

She starts out like she is complementing me saying

things like, that I have a perfect body, but really it’s
like she always wants me to tell her she isn’t fat, and I
am getting sick of all of that.

69
Sometimes I wish I was still friends with a lot of
people that I’m not friends with anymore, sometimes
even Blair, (I told you about her, and how when I
stayed over she pushed me into that gross thing- I’ve
never talked to her since.)

And even though I have not wanted to think about

her, I guess I don’t want to admit that I have even
kind of missed her friendship too. It seems like you
would say to give Blair a second chance.

Kanti is my friend but she gets so jealous and

sometimes she doesn’t seem like a friend. But it
seems like you would say that Kanti is my friend too.
That I should be nice to her even if she isn't always
that nice to me.

Gwendolyn is like my only friend, but she’s older than

me and only around on the weekends.

My sister Carmen is in some ways my only real

friend, except she is younger and as you know she
has her own friends.

So that’s why I’m really glad I have you as a friend.

Thank you Gem.

(later)
Hi Gem,

70
I think I figured out more about you today- you are
like my future self, speaking to me.

You are the one who likes me the most, and is the
most like me.

It’s like, you are me. Like myself somewhere in the

future.

When I was falling asleep as a little kid I used to see

all the lives I’d ever lived or ever will live. They were
laid out like on graph paper or a checkerboard, and
they all existed at once.

And mostly I slid from side to side, or up and down,

from one life to the next, in the order of the squares
on the graph- but sometimes I could jump over one or
more life, to get to another life.

I think you are me… jumping over- My own self,

jumping from one life, and maybe over many lives-

You are speaking to yourself, that is me, in your own

past.

You are walking with yourself, in your own past, that

is me. You are showing me some of my future
because it is still your past.

We walk together. We are one in the same.

Thank you

71
(In fourth period, math)
Dear Gem, I can feel you strengthening my physic
ability. Every time I feel you walking beside me, I
sense what I feel you are saying.

You say that Sean likes me, although he won’t admit

it.

Today I could feel you walking besides me in the hall

and I realized I have never been alone at school.
You have always been with me. I just didn’t know
you were there before now.

Sat. May 7, 1988

I’m sorry Gem, but I think it’s time now to say
goodbye. I’m turning 13 this month and in some ways
you are real but in other ways I know I made you up.
It is a childish thing to have an imaginary friend-

I remember I made up a best friend, “’Lynnette from

Paris" in the fifth grade too, although you seem more
real than she was.

I need to say goodbye for that reason, to say

goodbye to being a child. I want to do a ceremony to
say goodbye. I know you are sad to leave too.

When the sun starts to set, I will burn these last

pages where I’ve written to you over the fire pit in the
72
back yard, with dried mugwort, and say goodbye.

Thank you for all you have shown me. And for being
my friend, I will always remember.

(later, early evening)

Well, I did a ceremony and said goodbye.

At the last minute I realized I shouldn’t burn any

pages from this book, but as I was burning the
mugwort I asked Gem to tell me anything else that
she needed to, because she was leaving and would
not be walking beside me or telling me things
anymore.

I was looking into the fire and in the smoke, and then
I closed my eyes. I looked at the pictures in my head.

There was a vision. (That’s like a dream when you

are awake.) I'm not sure, but maybe I saw a story
from a past life.

It was like a fancy party, lots of people I knew were

there, and a lot of people I don’t know. It was a long
time ago, like in the old fashioned times, it seemed
like “the roaring 1920’s” --

It was really weird. Blair was in my vision. (I told

you about her, and like I said, I still don't want to be
her friend.)

73
But in the vision Blair and I were really good friends,
almost sisters. We were grown-up fancy ladies, just
like those old fashioned “flappers”, and we were
having a lot of fun.

Then the vision changed and something happened to

Blair, (I’m not sure what) but then Blair was with these
three weird looking guys, and they had my sister
Carmen with them.

(Carmen is eleven years old in real life, and in my

vision she wasn’t grown up like Blair and I were. She
was still her normal age.)

My vision then showed Blair, and these three guys,

walking along, kind of pulling my sister Carmen along
a dark pathway to some kind of bad place, maybe to
board a ship or something, and in the vision I yelled,
“Hey! Let go of my sister!”

And then, it was like I had two sisters, (when in real

life I only have one).

There was Carmen – But Blair was like a sister too,

for a moment, and she was being taken over by
something- something that was not herself . It was
something kind of bad.

And in the vision Blair looked at me -- she was sad

and forlorn, like she was tied with invisible chains.

My sister Carmen looked sad and scared too, and

being pushed along, it was like she had lost all her
74
strength.

So in the vision I yelled again “Hey! Let go of my

sister!” again, and they kept on walking, so I yelled a
third time, “Let go of my sister!” They didn’t let go of
Carmen, and by that time the path had ended and
they were boarding a ship.

The vision showed me a dark ship, in a dark sea. But

I saw myself just run after them, and jump aboard the
ship too, following after them. They went into the
ship. It was like a maze.

I knew that the ship would take me far away, to some

place that I did not want to go, and that I would have
to get back home from there.

Inside the vision I didn’t know how I would get back

home- but I knew that I would find my sister Carmen
and that she would come back home with me. I
wasn’t scared.

The vision was over. I was just standing in the

backyard and I looked over at the big pile of junk we
have there.

I saw the dollhouse my dad got me for my birthday a

long time ago. It was really fancy and took a lot of
work to put together and I had trouble doing it myself.

Suddenly I had these all memories of my dad staying

up late for weeks in a row at the dining room table,
putting the dollhouse together for me.
75
I played with it for a few years. But now it was in the
junk pile. It's been there at least all year long. I don't
have toys in my room anymore.

But for some reason, right as the sun was going down
I was standing in my backyard and thinking about
how I used to play with the dollhouse, and how I don't
anymore.

For a second I wondered if I should take it back

inside, but it had mildew, so I didn't, but I felt sad
about it for another minute.

And as the sun went down I burned the last of the

dried mugwort in the fire pit. And by the time the
mugwort was all burned, the sun had set and it was
dusk.

I wonder what that vision that I had means? Maybe

Gem was trying to show me some kind of past or
future? I think it must be important.

When I was standing in the twilight, after the mugwort

was all burned to ashes and the fire was completely
out, our cat came out of the neighbors yard to sit on
the fence and watch me.

She is all black. My brother got her along time ago.

Her name is Bille Jean. She is pretty wild, but she
just sat and watched.

The neighbors friendly tabby came out and watched

too, and we all said goodbye to Gem, as she must
76
have jumped back to her own time.

I guess that would be me, or at least part of me,

jumping back to my own time, but she sure felt like
friend. Although, more like a friend of the mind.

I’m glad I said goodbye to her because I feel myself

really growing up, and now, maybe, I don’t need Gem
anymore.

77
4 WILD CHILD

Sun. May 8, 1988

(6:30pm)
Hi,

Notice today that I did not call this book “Gem”. It is a

silly concept, really. As I told you about yesterday, it’s
not in action anymore. Sorry.

I spent my babysitting money on stuff for my room. I

went swimming with Gwendolyn and my sister.

I called Sean and I got to talk to him for about ten

whole minutes.

I don’t know why, but I told him that I dreamed I was

chasing him saying “J’ tem” (I never dreamed about
him before, maybe more like a daydream, but maybe
not even that, maybe I just wanted to see what he
would say.)

Anyway, I don’t now how you spell it but it’s French

for “I love you.” Gwendolyn has been teaching me
some French; she’s been taking it at Berkeley High

So I asked Sean what “J’ tem” meant (just to see

what he would say) and he asked his father, and his
father being a Frenchman told him.

78
Well, I also found out that Sean said he likes
someone.

Well I’m going to call him now and say “alright you got
it out of me, I like you, do you like me?”

Ok, bye.

Esther

Mon. May 9, 1988

I found out today that the pity for poor absentminded
Christine was an illusion, as was the hatred for
dreadful Amy who brainwashed her into not liking me.

And now, as I look back, I see Amy as someone who

I could tell my secrets to, someone who I could trust
to keep them secrets. And Christine as someone who
would tell my secrets to any living soul, and someone
who talked about me behind my back.

And when Amy thought that we should stay away

from each other for a while, for some reason she
couldn’t explain, that’s the way I felt too.

But then stupid Christine just said, “Esther I hate you

because you told Sean that I hated him” and when I
asked her if it was true she said, “yeah, but you
shouldn’t tell him.”

79
I knew I shouldn’t have, but at that time I knew Sean
liked Christine and I was insanely jealous, so I told
him the truth.

So today I was walking home from Safeway with my

sister, and I decided to stop at Amy’s house to get my
Ouija board. My sister had to go to the bathroom, so
as she used it I asked Amy if she wanted to come to
my birthday party. She said, “when?” I said, “May
20th” she said “that’s Christine’s”. I said, “well you
can go to hers then” but then Amy said, “No, I’ll go to
yours”.

I’m so happy that Amy is my friend again but this time

no matter what I’m not going to push it (our
friendship). That’s what broke it up last time. Even
Sean thinks that pushing friendship is a bad idea.

Speaking of Sean, he’s the person who I understand

least of all. I mean from what he says sometimes he
likes me, as a friend. But a lot of the time he likes me
more. But then at school, why does he act so
indifferent?

That’s the way I feel. I mean sometimes I think I love

him and I mean really love him. And other times I
think he’s just a good friend. And other times I think
that he hates me so I just forget the whole idea. But
most of the time it’s deep friendship, almost as deep
as the universe, love in the most profound way.

And yet, maybe 2% of the time I spend thinking about

80
him (most of the time, which is most of the time.)

In rare occasions when I feel like some sex starved

maniac I feel like doing something more than just
talking on the phone to him. Nothing serious, just
making out. Although I still have yet to experience my
first kiss.

And if I wasn’t so shy, I know it would be Sean that I’d

kiss, if I could choose. So...

What am I going to do?

Maybe I’ll bring this book to school tomorrow.

’till then

May, 10, 88
81
10:04pm
Hi, today some man named “Nostradamus” who lived
a long time ago predicted that today was going to be
“doom day”, and that a big earthquake would kill
millions of people.

It was supposed to happen at ten, but so far no signs

of an earthquake. But don’t know – tonight?

Well, I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Goodnight

Esther

Wed. May 11, 1988

(4th period)
I don’t know why but just now I’m starting to be
attracted to Chad, (he is in Math with me.)

He is crude and mean, but I don’t know why.

Esther

(Same Date)
Hi,
82
I don’t know why I wrote that today. It’s just that
today in Math, Chad was being so nice, and he
usually is mean. So I told him that and in his strong
but silent-type way he said, “once you get to know me
I’m not that bad”.

We talked through the period and when it was almost

over he said, “so do you still think I’m mean?” It just
makes me tingle inside that’s all.

At lunch things seemed back to normal- I hung out

with Amy and her friends, Latisha and Deanna. I
asked Chloe to eat with us too, so she did.

The rest of the day was normal.

And as for Sean, I didn’t see him at all today nor did
he see me, but after school I called him. He said he
had something to tell me and he said he’d tell me.

He said, “well, I want a girlfriend.” (you can imagine

what I was thinking then). ”So what would you say if I
asked someone you hung out with to go with me?
Would you be jealous?”

Boy is Sean naive, somebody just says she loves him

and that’s what he asked me? Of course I would. But
I didn’t say that, I said, “who?“

No one yet.” He said, “but what if I did?” “You guess”

I said. Then he said something that surprised me, “I
need to tell you something, I’ll write you a note, ok?.

83
I said “have fun with your new girlfriend, bye.” And I
hung up. I’ve been a bitch ever since.

Well I wonder what his note will say, if he writes me,

at all.

Yours as ever,

Esther

Thurs. May 12, 1988

Hi, today was kind of weird.

Amy came over after school - Amy and I decided to

use the Ouija board, and we channeled a spirit
named Mary Townes who said she once lived here.

The spirit told us about this way to travel though time,

and said that living humans can also move though
time if they want to.

I’m not sure - maybe Amy was moving the Ouija

thing?

But I do remember once in sixth grade I was doing

the Ouija board with a girl from school named Julia
that I had spending the night.

We channeled the ghost of John Lennon and we said

to him “give us a sign you are here,” and right then,
all the lights went out and it got dark! We screamed.
84
Then my dad came in and told us that a fuse blew in
the house.

Julia was nice to me at school, but she never wanted

to spend the night again.

I always thought that the Ouija was real after that.

But Amy does not seem to take it all that seriously. All
she wanted to do was ask it about different boys.

It did say that Sean likes me. But it also said Sean
likes Amy.

This spirit, Mary Townes, was telling us about how to

find the different time travel places in Berkeley, but
Amy didn’t seem to care that much about that part,
which makes me think she wasn’t moving the Ouija.

The Ouija board said we could find one “time travel

place” in the abandoned Key Line train tunnel, which
runs next door to my house. I’ve been down there a
hundred times and I’ve never seen anything like that.

Although I heard there is a animal graveyard down

there,; I've never seen that either.

Amy and I decided to climb the fence and go down

there. We didn’t see anything, except I think I did see
a small wooden cross, stuck in the ground. A grave
maybe?

And, then we saw Mr. Yee, the old man who lives

85
across the street, he was standing on the other side
of the long row of vines, the vines that grow from
above on the road and hang down like 20 feet, totally
covering the opening of one side of the tunnel- the
side that leads into his backyard.

(The other side of the tunnel has only the fence,

which we climbed.)

Mr. Yee owns the tunnel (it connects with his

backyard). He grows a lot of rose bushes. He was
holding an armful of cut roses. We were standing in
the tunnel, hidden from him; he couldn’t see us, but
then it was like he just filled with sunlight and
disappeared!

Amy got really scared, she turned around and

climbed up the fence and jumped over.

I was also scared but not as much. I stayed looking,

long enough to see that Mr. Yee appeared to had
dropped one rosebud. I ran to grab it, then ran back
and climbed up the fence, holding the rosebud in my
hand.

I met Amy on the other side of the fence. Then she

went home.

I put that rosebud in my special drawer of memories.

If I make up a charm, that could be a powerful
ingredient, or maybe not. I don’t know.

86
Sat. May 14, 1988

(10:38pm)
I didn’t write yesterday because I couldn’t find this
pad of paper but a lot of things did happen. First I
called Sean and asked him, I said “sometimes you
say you like me as a friend and sometimes you say
more what is it? He said “I like you as a friend that’s
all”. So I said bye and hung up.

Then I wrote down the exact day and time of

everything he said that might lead me to believe that
he liked me. I called him back and read them to him.
He said “now don’t expect me to go with you just
because I said those things.”

Then I said a stupid lie I said “I don’t want you to go

with you anyway.” Then I said “why did you say those
things then?”

He said “because I feel that way sometimes.” then he

said “you wouldn’t want to know what I feel about you
sometimes” “yes I would” “no you wouldn’t” “please”
“no” please” it went on like that this for a while until I
finally persuaded him to tell me.

He said “well once when I was really tired and I had

bumped my head I said to myself ‘you’re in love with
Esther aren’t you?’ and then I answered, ‘yeah I
guess so’.”

87
I said “so”. Then Sean said that he wanted to get off
the phone cause “after he says that kind of thing to
somebody” he “doesn’t feel comfortable talking to
them.”

So I said, “But you said you were tired and you said
you bumped your head, a lot of people think weird
things then.”

So he said. “I just said that I was tired and that I

bumped my head so that you wouldn’t think I really
think that way.” “Ok” I said, “Goodbye.” I hung up.

Kanti came over. She was spending the night.

Continued tomorrow.

I’m tired-

88
Mon. May 16, 1988

(10:15pm)

(New Book)
Hi, I found my old diary from the 5th grade, so this is
what I'm writing in. It seems so long ago but also in a
strange way closer to me than the 6th grade.

As I also a long time ago ripped out some pages and

ripped them up into shreds – because my big brother
found my diary and teased me about it. I shall never
do that again for now I realize that ripping pages out
of your diary is like ripping pages out of your life.

How silly I am, not to have told you about my

boyfriends, or the boys that I have intensely liked, or
boys that liked me:

1.) Joshua in the 3rd grade - a gawky silent kind of

boy with dark hair and glasses. He was very smart. I
didn’t pay much attention to him until one day at
Iceland (the ice-skating rink) he told me that me liked
me.

2.) Dusty - I was in 3rd grade. He was in 4th. I guess I

just didn't care for him as much as he cared for me.
He looked like his name. I can't describe it better.
Dusty.

He had dusty reddish hair and dusty tannish skin with

89
a dusting of freckles, or maybe it was just dirt.

Anyway, he liked me very much and maybe I was just

so flattered by the thought that I went with him when
he asked me. But we never held hands or anything.
Soon after that, when I was in the fourth grade, I saw

He was my brother’s best friend. I only saw his back

for one second and I knew that we were destined to
be together. He wore a rumpled white trench coat and
had dark brown hair that curled up at the ends. I
loved him with all my heart.

After that I talked to Blake once, at the Claremont

Hotel - (my Mom stayed there before, when she was
visiting Berkeley, and we (us kids) stayed there with
her because she wanted to show us what it was like.)

Anyway, Blake lives across the street from the

Claremont, so he came over there and I talked to him
in the lobby.

He was as cute as could be and he matched my size.

That was when I was still in fourth grade. But when I
th
was in the 5th grade and he was in the 6 , he grew
very tall.
90
Blake seemed very nice (and not that it matters but
his family was rolling in money.)

But he was just my big Brother's friend and after that

time at the Claremont he never talked to me that
much, except for like I told you about, at the end of
the 5th grade when I put together those love charms
and then he started talking to me sometimes at lunch
in school.

Since Blake is a year older, he graduated Malcolm X

and started at Willard for the 7th grade.

Then I started the 6th grade, and at the end of the 6th
grade I went with Noah-

Noah’s Ms. Kole's son. (I told you about her, she was
my 6th grade teacher.) Noah had red hair and
freckles; he was cute and popular.

Ms. Kole always really liked me, so maybe since she

was always saying nice things about me that Noah
started to like me.

He went to Malcolm X with me, but he wasn't in our

class but he was in Mr. Hamilton's class across the
hall.

Anyway, at the end of the year Noah asked me to go

with him and I said yes, he gave me Gummi bears in
a gold box for my 11th birthday (I told you about that),
and we walked around and held hands once.

91
I gotta go. I’m glad I found this book.

Esther

Tues. May 17, 1988

(9:15pm)
Hi, I’m not going to write about all the boys that I have
been involved with (acutely or remotely) ’cause it
would take too much time.

But one boy, Peter, (I told you about him, and the day
I took his shoe) well, we went together last summer at
camp. I dumped him because some liar said he was
going to dump me.

Well, Peter said I changed since last summer. I said,

“Like last summer I was fun to be with and now I’m a
moody bitch?” He said, “Yeah”.

It depresses me that every one thinks I changed and

only my Father thinks it’s for the better.

Peter is about the smartest person I know and his

opinion means a lot to me. And it makes me sad to
see that he used to like me very much and now he
doesn’t like me at all. I admit at times I think I still love
him but other times its just too impossible.

And for an update on Sean, “time stands still” for him

92
in the sense that he isn’t changing and that he still
won’t tell me if he likes me or not.

Tomorrow I’m just going to try to be myself. Just be

weird and see what Sean and or Peter thinks.

Also I have to make plans for my birthday party. I

mean at first I thought I had it all situated, but now
Amy wants me to have boys at my party. I wouldn’t
mind, but I’m not sure if any of the boys would mind.
I’m going to write down plans:

Who?
Boys: Peter (I already asked but he said he didn’t
want to), Sean

Girls: Amy, Christine, Latisha, Chloe, Deanna,

Gwendolyn
Kanti, Me

How to invite boys: Peter- I will beg! Sean- I will ask

Spare boys:
none!!!

What I need to do:

weekly plan:
Wed: work on asking people, cleaning room.
Thus: clean room
Fri: (party, no school): Clean house, go to store, get
stuff. (Stuff): Cake, Ice cream, movies, pizza, chips,
dip.
That’s all.
93
May 18, 1988
Hi,

I’m depressed. We got robbed.

They took a lot of things like the C.D player, the VCR,
the Walkman, my Dad’s cloak bag.

They trashed my sister’s and my brother’s room.

My room’s already trashed, they didn’t go into my

room (that I know) but it still makes me feel bad and
insecure to have someone prowling around my
house.

Three other people in the neighborhood got robbed

today also.

The neighbor saw him walking from house to house.

Tomorrow they are coming to dust for fingerprints.

Only girls are coming to my party. I don’t know what

we are going to do cause the VCR was stolen.

94
95
This is what it looks like:

Well, I should go,

Esther

96
5 THE WHRILWIND

Sun. May 22, 1988

9:00pm
Hi, sorry I’ve been neglecting you on the three
biggest nights I’ve had in months but there just wasn’t
time.

This is what happened-

It all started on Thursday night when I was talking on

the phone (on three-way) with Christine and Toby. I
had never met Toby before, he goes to Willard,
Christine knows him from summer camp and had
liked him for along time, but she is going with Justin-
(Justin happens to be a hella fine 8th grader at King).

So then Toby said he was just a few blocks away so

he’d stop by, so I said, “ I guess so.”

When he got to my house, we decided to go to

Jefferson school. We went on the roof and ran all
around.

He turned out to be the kind of boy that is always

feeling on girls and stuff, and saying perverted things.

When we got down (from the roof ) I felt really tired so

I lay down in the field to rest. Toby lay beside me and
97
before I knew what was happening he was feeling me
up! I was just laying there and Toby put his hands up
my shirt. I’ve never been felt up before and I was
either too tired, or too weak, or both, to stop, so I just
let it go on.

When he stopped I invited him to my party (no other

boys were coming) so I said that his friend (who was
there) could come. So I went home.

Then the next day at my party his friend brought

along his stupid rowdy cousin. (His friend was stupid
and rowdy himself.) Toby wanted to go to Jefferson.
So Christine, Chloe, Gwendolyn, my sister and me,
plus Toby and the two stupids went.

Then we all went and sat inside that little tunnel in the
Jefferson playground right next to the monkey-bars
I chipped my front tooth on when I was in the 2nd
grade.

As it turned out Toby and my sister stole a bottle of

wine from my house and they wanted to drink it.

I have drank wine before - my dad has given me a

glass with dinner before. But I have never been drunk
before.

It was same old dusty bottle of wine that my sister

always showed me and joked about in the basement.
She jokes that it was rescued from the Titanic
shipwreck because it was from the year 1912 or

98
something.

I said I’d drink it if Christine did, and she said she’d

drink it if I did, so we all shared it.

We played truth or dare. Christine dared me to kiss

Toby so I did. I didn’t want my first kiss to be a French
kiss, but Toby just stuck his tongue in my mouth.

Then I wanted to get Christine back, so I dared her to

kiss Toby (they Frenched).

Then we were just sitting there when suddenly I said

“Toby kiss Christine” so they kissed. Then we played
truth or dare again, and we both kissed Toby again.

Then we went home.

Chloe went before us and she told Amy and Latisha

all these lies about what we did, how much we drank
etc…then they had this big fight and people (not me)
were yelling.

Now that I think about it, maybe that old dusty bottle
of wine was haunted.

I don’t know, but I didn’t drink very much, and I don’t

know exactly what it feels like to be drunk, because I
have never been - but I don’t remember much else,
it’s all swirly in my mind.

I don’t remember the exact sequence it happened-

but I made out with Toby twice, gave him a hickey

99
and got a hickey and sometime then he asked me to
go with him. I thought it would make more sense to
myself what I did if I was going with him, so I said
yes.

Then him (and the two stupids) left and Gwendolyn

got sick and went home. My sister went to sleep.

Christine was the only one left. We talked about Toby

practically all night. She said that she still likes him
and that she’s jealous but she deserves it cause she
goes with Justin.

I told her that I was jealous of her because she’s

going with Justin, but that I deserved it cause I was
going with Toby. I felt like a slut then too- I can feel a
lot of things at the same time.

I liked Toby then (as I said before) and kept talking

about him. Then the next day Christine had to leave
early to get ready for her party, so Kanti came over. I
called Christine and asked her if Kanti could come to
the party. She said yes.

(I still liked Toby). So Toby said he’d come over. So

when he got there, something happened to me. I was
scared out of my mind. I thought, “Why am I going
with this pervert?”

So Kanti didn’t get along well with Toby. So we went

to Christine’s house. When we got there we they all
wanted to take a walk. So we went for a walk.

100
So we all just walked along Grizzly Peak (that’s the
highest street in the Berkeley Hills where Christine
lives).

I had a strange feeling, the fog was all around us and

it was getting a little dark. Justin (who is still going
with Christine) kept looking at me and smiling, and it
kept feeling like it was just him and I, walking alone
together.

The trees were really tall and the fog came up not
quite to the tops of some of the trees, and the fog was
almost like covering us up too sometimes and it was
amazing.

Then, I felt like I knew Justin from another place,

another life, or another world. (I don’t know what it
was, but I know we are connected) And that’s when I
felt the full impact-I love luv Justin. (Luv is different
than love. It’s just like puppy love.)

So, were just going along until it got dark, then we

went back. Some of us played Truth or Dare in
Christine’s backyard.

All this time Toby hasn’t barely talked to me.

They dared me to go up (without warning) and kiss

this boy, Brad Lord, on the cheek. So I went over to
him and I ended up kissing his ear. That was funny.

Then we go in, and we are sort of but not really,

watching this movie “The Lost Boys”.
101
I’m telling everyone but Toby that I want to dump him,
but I just can’t. But I take him outside and say “look,
you’re just going way too fast for me”. Toby’s all hurt
and so I feel sorry.

The boys go home and the girls go to sleep. Then we

wake up. Christine’s friend Monica leaves. Then Kanti
leaves.

It’s just Amy and her friend Latisha, and Christine and
me. We all feel depressed because of the situation
that Justin might dump Christine since she kissed
Toby at my party…

We were morbid - we were melancholy. It was pitiful.

The night before I was trying to explain…

Gotta go, continued tomorrow.

P.S. I still do luv Justin, and I haven’t dumped Toby

yet, but I really do luv Justin.

Mon. May 23, 1988

6:40pm
As I was saying, the night before I was trying to
explain to Toby why I didn’t like him, he didn’t seem

102
to understand. So I just wound up saying that I think
we should get to know each other’s personalities at
this point in our relationship.

As I was saying yesterday, Amy and I decided that

we should tell Justin about Christine liking Toby, so
we did. Then Christine says she doesn’t anymore.
And you know what? I really didn’t believe her. But
we called Justin and told him anyways. Then we told
Christine what we did.

Today- at first Christine was mad at us but now she’s

not.

Justin was at first acting like he liked Christine, and

then after school he confided in me and said that he
just can’t get the feelings of hate away from him.

He wanted my advice. Can you believe it? My advice.

I told him that he should make a list of the ‘pros and
cons’.

Oh yeah, I think Justin looks good, but I like him for

his personality.

Somewhere along the line Sean got lost in all this.

Christine’s still depressed.

I still like Justin, so does Amy.

Life goes on.

Well to quote Christine-

103
“I lived almost 13 years I can live another day.”

See ya,

Esther

(later)
Hi, Justin just called. Oh shit this pen is running out.
All right this is his list of staying together with
Christine:

Pros

He still likes her

Cons

He mistrusts her

He is bored with her

He is mad and bitter

Ok goodbye,

(later)
I talked to Justin again and I found out that his friend
Eric (who all I know about, is what Justin told me- that
he has “a lot of power at King”) used to like me. Justin
says that he thinks Eric still does, he gave me Eric’s
number and said I should call, so I did. But when I
called him, Eric said if I “value my life” not to call

104
again. Weird!

Esther

Tues. May 24, 1988

9:30pm
Hi, my Dad and my Brother are yelling- at each other.

And I’m (allegedly) cleaning my room.

Now I’m thinking about a few things. Toby, Justin,

Christine, Sean and Tammy (you remember Tammy,
my “Big Sister” from the United Way). I’m also
thinking about my room -

Toby: I dumped him- I’m very depressed about it. He

said (not in these words) that I just used him to suit
my fancy then I discarded him when my sanity
regained. He gave me this big guilt trip that I just
couldn’t deal with. But I’m glad I got it over with.

Justin, I’m thinking if I still like him? I know that he is

part of something important in my life, but I don’t
know yet what it is.

I’m thinking if Justin was lying when he said his

likelihood of dumping Christine was at “20%”. In a
way I’d be glad if he wasn’t going to dump her.

I also kind of feel jealous. Kind of. Of Christine.

105
I mean, if I could go with Justin (I mean I like him, but
I wouldn’t go with him). If I was, I’d be so loyal that he
could trust me with Mr. Universe.

Oh well, I guess as Amy says; “Frenching is in

Christine’s blood”.

I don’t know if I still like Justin. I know I like him as a

friend. But sometimes I don’t know. But I’d say 95%
of the time I like him as a friend.

Lets see, who’s next? Ah yes, Christine: I’m thinking if

she’s thinking if I’m trying to break her and Justin up-

And I’m also thinking if she is mad at me and also if

she still likes Toby.

Sean - I called him today just to see what’s up in his

life.

He said that when I was going with Toby and I totally

forgot about him, he felt that before he was taking our
friendship for granted and that if I asked him he would
say yes. Not that I’m going to, I’m just thinking -

106
And Tammy, I’m thinking about Tammy, and how I
don’t think I want to be in the “big sisters - big
brothers” program anymore.

Last time I saw her, she took me out to pack

parachutes with her, so she could go parachuting for
less money. So I was just working for her, packing
parachutes, and it was not fun. And she does not
parachute with me, just by herself.

Then later, at her house, she told me she didn’t like

the make-up I was wearing. (Me and my sister
Carmen got some Wet and Wild make-up at Bill’s
drugs, and that was the first time Tammy saw me
wearing it.) She said I looked bad. She said I was too
young for make-up and that I shouldn’t wear it.

Then I told her that I wasn’t sure I wanted her to be

my “big sister” anymore, and I said that I was sick of
being a charity case.

She told me I wasn’t a charity case, but I think she

knew what I meant.

Then she drove me home on the back of her

motorcycle, even though I asked that we take her car.
It’s scary on the back of her motorcycle going down
Marin, the street she lives on (a steep hill).

And then, she graduated from Berkeley Law school,

and I didn’t go to her graduation, and we have not
talked since. Now I'm wondering if I will ever see or

107
talk to her again.

And I’m also thinking of my room; how messy it is.

Not only messy it’s dirty and cluttered and disgusting.
Also I’m thinking I’m going to clean it and all I need is
a bed and my own phone. That’s all.

So today I ate lunch with Christine and Justin - and

Monica and Brad Lord (Monica and Brad are going
together now).

Today, Justin said the chance of him dumping

Christine were at “99.9999%”,

I thought “oh no!” Then after school he said “100%

I’m dumping her tonight”.

Then later on the phone he said it was back down

“20%”. So I’m confused.

Other than that, school was a boring hell. Hella stupid

teachers babbling on. After school

Amy and her friend Deanna and I went downtown to

Center and Shattuck, we went to See’s Candies and
had fun-

Ok, now I’m getting really bad writers cramp -

bye

Esther

Wed. May 25, 1988

108
8:55am

Hi, I’m in school. I decided to bring this book to school

‘cause I hate boring things and teachers are...

Oh well, gotta go

Esther

(Same Date)

(6:00pm)
Hi, so the day started boring and got even boringer.

I guess you could say that the highlight of the day

109
was helping Amy clean up the backstage area and I
got paid $5.00. But then when I got home it all
changed.

I called Justin and asked him “who likes Amy”? (I had

a psychic feeling it was going to be him, that’s why I
asked in the first place) but he said “Me, a little,
kinda.”

And today he said his likelihood of dumping Christine

was down to 5%, how confusing!

Well Amy, was listening on the other line (on three-

way) and she yelled “are you serious?!!” So now he
knows that she knows.

He might like me too, I don’t know.

But I do know I gotta clean my room, because I can’t

talk on the phone until I do and Justin is calling later.

See ya,

Esther

(Same Date)

Hi,

My room is clean at long, long, long last, it’s finally

clean.

110
I finally got to talk to Justin. He said his chances of
dumping Christine are back down to 20%, and that he
wanted to do something erotic with her, weird!

He told me about when he’s grown-up, he’ll have a

mansion on an island in Greece. He’ll be a millionaire
and wear leather socks and have black velvet
carpets. He must of been in a weird mood.

I found out that Sean has been writing poems.

And that I’m getting my own phone line.

Justin might have an end of school party (or someone

else might). And life seems pretty good. Except
school ends in eleven days and I’m going away for
the four-day weekend.

But on the good side, Justin said I was smart, really

smart.

Ok, that’s all folks

Esther

Thurs. May 26, 1988

9:08pm
Hi,

It’s the eve of my 13th birthday. In a way I’m like

“wow, I’m going to be a teenager”. And I’m also like
“say goodbye to days of being a kid. I’m no longer a
111
child. The happy-go-lucky days are gone.

But really my younger days were neither happy nor

go-lucky. So I really don’t feel that sad. I’m not that
excited, I mean, like I usually am on birthdays.

I don’t know, all I can think about is Justin and how

much I like him. Speaking of Justin, today at lunch
Amy and I were being twerps, so Justin said “you
guys are so immature”. After school he said he didn’t
always think that, I was just acting that way.

Oh yeah, Joel Zimmerman called me today, (he's an

eighth grader who goes to King, Justin's friend) I
thought that Justin was playing a joke, so I acted like
a bitch.

Tomorrow I’m going away to Chicago. I hate that

whole damn city. We go there every year, and sitting
on a stuffy plane on my Birthday is not my idea of fun.

I’m going to miss Justin so much. I don’t know how I

can live without beautiful, wonderful, talented (he’s
not talented that I know of, but it sounds good), nice,
fine, cute, good, listening, personal, wonderful Justin -
(who I can’t understand one bit.)

I mean Justin has been telling me for days that he is

going to dump Christine. He told me that today as a
matter of fact.

Oh speaking of dumping, that boy Brad Lord dumped

Christine’s friend Monica today.
112
Well, back to the subject. Well, Justin says he is
going to dump Christine, he says he likes her body
but that she is a boring dipshit.

He is still saying that he wants to get erotic with her.

That he wants to feel her up and kiss her to death. Oh
I wish he said that about me! Not the feeling up part,
but I wouldn’t mind being kissed to death by Justin.

Who am I kidding? He only likes me as a friend.

Today, I read parts of you to him, he sounded
surprised when I read about liking him for his
personality, not for his looks.

I mean he looks good, but his personality, wow -

Oops, I’m wasting paper. But I really think ‘I’m falling

in luv, not love but luv. L-u-v is different than l-o-v-e.

It’s not as strong.

But I mean I’m sad that schools getting out in ten

days, ’cause I won’t see him. I’m so sad I miss him
now.

Ok, Goodbye.

113
Oh yeah, P.S. this is a list of my friends:

Amy

Christine

Forget it (well, knock on wood)

Fri. May 27, 1988

3:00pm (western time)

Hi,

The plane hasn’t even taken off and I miss Justin so

much. I miss him so much I think I’m going to cry.
When I close my eyes Justin’s face, flashes before
my eyes. I want to kiss it, it looks so real. But the only
thing in my mouth is gum, that is making my checks
hurt.

But unless we crash I should be in Chicago and then,

I should be home.

On the lighter side I’m going to see my little brother

Ben, (ever since my parents got divorced, he has
always lived with my Mom, so I don’t get to see him
often.)

In the morning I got up, no one said shit about my B-

114
day, so I didn’t say anything. Later, much later, I
couldn’t contain myself any longer and I said to my
Dad, “what did you get Benjamin for his birthday?” My
Father said, “You’ll see”.

Then I said, “Speaking of birthdays…” Then he

remembered.

Oh yeah, I never told you. Christine told me that she

dyed her hair blonde a while back just by pouring
hydrogen peroxide on her hair. So I tried mine the
other day, and it made my hair much lighter, it's now
kind of...a yellow color…I don't mind.

This lady who is sitting near me is putting her seat

belt off (when she shouldn’t) and looking out the
window. I feel like kicking her!

Gotta go.

(Same Date)

(No fucking idea what time)

Hi, I’m in the plane that we transferred at Denver.

They are about to take off. I’m way too hot, stuffy and
tired. And I miss Justin too much to write anymore.
So goodbye.

Esther

115
Sat. May 28, 1988

11:13 (Chicago time)

Hi,

The flight from Denver was better. The trip’s been Ok,
better than I thought. I still miss Justin though…it’s
pretty mellow around here. With both my uncles out
and people getting ready to retire. But I thought I’d
write a few things before I go to sleep.

Got a…

-Tan: it’s been very hot here

-Pair of cute sandals: from my Grandpa for my

birthday

-Guess miniskirt: cute, from my Grandpa for my

birthday

-Pink sweatshirt: cute, from my Uncle for my birthday

-Hair gel for myself from my allowance.

I guess my family is ok, they are kinda screwed but

that’s to be expected.

I wonder what’s going on in Berkeley? I still miss

Justin. Only two days left until we go home. I wish I
had a friend here!

Missing Justin, Esther

116
Mon. May 30, 1988

12:32pm
Hi,

I didn’t write yesterday ’cause I was too busy. Busy

yes, getting ignored. When they don’t ignore me, they
insult me.

Busy, yes busy sitting through nine innings of a stupid

baseball game. The Cubs lost anyway by a pitiful
seven to one. Sad.

Busy yes, busy being bored out of my mind while

people argue. Now there is this stupid thoroughly
boring party with people ignoring me like I had the
plague.

No one under 20 years old is allowed in this city so it

seems.

Oh tomorrow I’m going Home.

117
Yay!

Until then.

When I can see Justin, wash my hair with “my” kind of

shampoo and sleep on my own bed.

Esther

(Same Date)

8:15pm
Hi,

My stomach hurts.

Round and round on the tire swing.

Twirling around and around. Trying to make the

boredom go away.

I took a buffered aspirin and I can’t see. Maybe I’m

allergic? I’m angry.

I miss Justin.

I still see good enough to write, but I am sleepy,

Goodnight

118
(Same Date)

9:15pm
Hello, I’m not sick anymore, not as much as I was
before at least. And I’m not really tired either, in fact
I’m angry…

I’m angry that I might be a vitamin E addict (if there is

such a thing). Because I alone took about 40 200 of
the little things.

I’m angry at people, namely my Grandfather and his

wife (my Step-Grandmother, my real Grandma died
when I was seven).

Yeah, sure, they get me presents, but they really

know how to make a person unhappy and insulted,
not to mention low self-esteem and worried.

I’m angry at myself - you know I’ve taken to

daydreaming about Justin, and I know that it can’t be
realized.

And when dreams aren’t realized I take to sulking.

And when I take to sulking I loose my friends. Sooo, I
think I should stop daydreaming at once or else!

I used to think that maybe Justin does like me, maybe

he just wants to hide it from me. But now I know he
just likes me as a friend.

Oh yeah, speaking of friends, I’m wondering, if, when

119
get back to Berkeley they will drop me as they did
before? I don’t know, the day I left they were sure
acting indifferent towards me.

I’m raving on like a lunatic but I really want to write.

These are the questions I need answers for:

1) Does Justin like me?

2) Do my friends still?

3) I don’t know?

I’m going mad!

From lack of sleep and heat I suspect.

But maybe, ’cause I love Justin. Well I used l-o-v-e;

it’s a very strong word and I don’t know if it really
describes my situation. I gotta sleep (wasting paper)

See ya (unless the plane crashes tomorrow)

Esther

Tues. May 31, 1988

10:45pm
I hate my Father so much, I think he is the meanest
man alive!

Today, it’s 10:30pm and he comes bounding home

from God knows where doing God knows what with

120
Yvette. So he comes bounding home with food in his
arms and ordering me to help make dinner.

I try to help, honestly I do. And then he has the nerve

to say I’m acting like a two year old - so he’d start
treating me like one.

And stupid me, I went into a fit!

After that, I went into my room to calm down and, I

prepared a speech to my Father, I was going to say
how I was wrong! How I was just tired and hungry.

So I go downstairs and say, “Dad” and he says, “Shut

up”. So I sit down and say, “Why do you have to be
like this?!!” And then wham! He hit me across the
head! I can still feel it. Goddamn. I can still feel it!

My Father acts weird when Yvette stays over, I can’t

stand those loud sounds she makes at night. It keeps
me awake all night and makes me sick - then, the
next day if I have to go to school, I’m always falling
asleep in my desk. Those are the only times I’ve
fallen asleep in school.

Well, aside from that issue this is the rap-

Christine and Justin broke up. Christine goes with

Toby.

I ‘m jealous of her, even though I dumped him. I’m

confused as hell.

121
And Justin knows I like him, I mean, really like him.

That’s all. I feel sad now. I’m going to write Justin a

note.

Glad to be home though.

Esther

Mon. June 1, 1988

9:45 pm
Hi, this is news; I hate Justin. But I like him. So does
Amy.

I’m kinda jealous of Christine.

I know this isn’t long but I gotta go.

Esther

Thurs. June 4, 1988

10:00pm
Dear God,

I’m not addressing this letter to God – in fact, it’s just

an expression.

122
This is what I found out-

When Toby went over to Christine’s house he finger

fucked her. Can you believe it?!!!

I don’t know what it is with Toby - my mind knows that

he isn’t my type. Justin is more. But my physical
craving - I just can’t explain it. I still kind of like him.

I don’t know. Amy might spend the night tomorrow.

I’ve been drinking vinegar like a madwoman. Why?

To cleanse my liver. Why?

Well, remember when I told you that I thought I might

be a vitamin E addict? That I took about 200 of them!
Well, they are fat-soluble vitamins and too many of
them are toxic to the liver.

So today when I talked to my mom on the phone I

told her about it, and she told me that vinegar
cleanses the liver. I hope the vinegar works, but still I
am still really worried!!

Poisoned! At the tender age of 13. Can you believe

it?

Oh well, I hope I get cured.

Ok, that is all.

Sun. June 5, 1988

123
9:06pm
Hi,

Sorry I haven’t talked to you for the whole weekend

but a lot did happen.

On Friday Amy spent the night. She wanted to do the

Ouija board, but I put it away on the top shelf of my
closet and I didn’t want to pull it out when she asked
me to. I’m trying not to be too serious these days. I
didn’t even feel like asking it about Justin. I just didn't
want to.

Then on Saturday Amy had to go home.

On Friday at school Amy and Justin got into a big

fight. Justin also said to me, “You’re cool Esther. You
understand me”.

On Friday after school, Toby, me, and Amy went

down to Jefferson and sat in the ever-so-famous
playground tunnel, (the tunnel from my birthday party,
where we all drank that bottle of wine, and I had my
first kiss, with Toby in truth or dare.)

Well, this time Amy, Toby and I played truth or dare

again, and Amy dared me to let Toby put his head in
my shirt until she said stop. So I did. Then he started
sucking on my tit! It felt kinda sick.

I realized that I am not jealous of Christine, she can

have Toby all to herself!
124
So on Saturday Christine came over, it was pretty
fun. She left. I talked to Toby on the phone practically
all the rest of my waking hours. (I went to bed around
11:30). Right before I went to bed he said something
that kinda surprised me-

Toby said to me “I don’t know if it’s true or not

because I’ve never been in love before, but I think I
love you”. Then I said, “I’m really tired”. He said, “I
love you”. Then I went to sleep.

Today I mostly was with Gwendolyn and my sister.

I talked on the phone with Amy a lot.

Then I call Justin. He says he has a crush, then he

turns around and says mean things. Oh, I don’t know
what I’m going to do with him. He’s so confusing.

He says that according to his system I’m at a

negative five percent, which means he likes me, but
he said that he wouldn’t go with me because it would
look bad. Talk about humble!

Justin also told me that his friend, Eric, wanted me to

call him again, which is weird.

Eric wasn’t exactly nice to me when I called him

before, (I told you about him, Justin told me Eric likes
me, and has “a lot of power at king” and said that I
should call him, so I did, but Eric said if I “value my
life” not to call back. So I didn’t). I don’t know. Why
does Justin keep telling me to call Eric again? Weird!
125
Justin can be so weird sometimes, and like I told you,
he can be mean to me sometimes too, even though
he’s admitted he likes me at least a little, it’s so
confusing!

Sean likes me now too. He called me and told me

that he likes me. I didn’t know what to say. I guess I
just don’t like Sean like that anymore.

Also, I think Christine is mad at me, because, I kinda,

sorta, told Justin about Toby and her- (her getting
fingered by Toby). Oops!

Kanti says-

She’d "give her little toe to be in my place"-

Amy says-

“It’ll all turn out fine”-

Toby says (from last I heard)-

“You have me under your spell”-

Justin says –

“-5%” but also “don’t call me again”-

Sean says-

“If you asked me I would say yes”-

John Lennon says-

126
“Anyone in their right mind is weird”-

My Father says-

“Sweep the floors” and “You’re getting your own

phone line”-

Eric says-

“If you value your life you won’t call me anymore” –

Christine says-

“Thanks a lot!” (sarcastically)-

So why aren’t I happy?

Maybe ’cause I have writers cramp.

So tune in next time to the ‘days of our lives’.

127
Mon. June 6, 1988

9:55pm
Hi, so much has happened between this morning and
tonight that it seems a whole week has passed, not
just one day.

This is what happened-

In the morning the word got out. (About Christine

being fingered by Toby).

Justin told Joel Zimmerman , Joel Zimmerman told

his friend Anthony Vasque, and Anthony, well, he told
everyone. And everyone knows. You can imagine
how guilty I feel for telling Justin at all.

First of all I didn’t think Christine was mad at me,

’cause…well she was acting so nice. But I could feel
the hostility Amy had towards me…for reasons I still
don’t understand.

But now Amy is not mad at me but Christine is. In fact

Christine in her own spitefulness called Joel
Zimmerman and said “are you good at spreading
rumors?” well we all know the answer to that.

Then she said “tell everyone that Toby sucked

Esther’s tit.” Can you believe it?!

Oh yeah, speaking of that subject, Justin found out

and called me a "toss-up hoe", a "weak minded 7th
128
grader" and other things. He acted like my protector,
like he really cared about me. Then he admitted that
he was jealous. Can you believe it? I really like him!

So anyway, I told him the truth. That it didn’t feel

good. That I was just tormenting Toby to see how far
he would go when he was still going with Christine.
That I let him do it, but I didn’t think he’d go that far.

But anyway, I gotta go.

Tues. June 24, 1988

9:00pm
Hi, Sorry for not writing sooner – School is out. I have
not had the chance to write but a lot has happened
this week.

I ate lunch with Justin and Joel Zimmerman and Amy

all the last week of school. So at first Christine was
mad, at me and Amy, but now she is not.

Anyway, on the last day of school I cut school for the

first time.

I cut with Amanda and Traci. They are 8th graders

who I met. All the 8th graders cut school on the last
day. So I met Traci and Amanda and they said I
could cut with them. We went to Center and Shattuck
and got food in a Chinese restaurant. They ordered
129
wine.

The next day (the first day of summer) Amanda came

over. She bought some Kools cigarettes in the
machine at Bott’s. We went into the side of Jefferson
and smoked them. I have never smoked cigarettes
before. My sister Carmen came with us. Smoking all
those cigarettes was pretty gross.

Traci and Amanda both came over yesterday. Traci’s

got these friends, a group of runway girls called “The
Pack”. Their names are things like “Fly-by-Night” and
“Baby-Con”. She writes about them in a notebook that
she showed me.

Traci was all upset because she was worried about

her friend named Baby-Con (a nine year old
runaway). I think she might be just pretending or just
making it up, but I don’t know for sure. It sounds
pretty scary, if it’s real.

On Sunday I went over to Joel Zimmerman’s house

because he called me (with Justin there). Joel said
that his parents were out of town and I should come
over.

When I got there Joel and Justin and I all sat around
the living room for a while and then Joel got some of
his Dad’s Bud Light. We all share one can.

And then I feel really tired and I go lay down on the

couch next to Justin. He was already lying down.

130
Then we lay down on the couch for a while and then
we moved closer together, like we were breathing
each others air, and then, out of nowhere we kissed.
Not French, but on the lips.

So then we lay there a little while longer and then we

got up.

Then later on the phone Justin told me that he was

drunk on the Bud Light and that the kiss didn’t mean
anything. I said I was drunk too. We decided that we
are not going to let what happened ruin our friendship
- we are really close friends now.

I can still see that time on Grizzly Peak when the fog
swirled around us, and I knew then, there is a reason
we are friends. And I still feel that way,

Justin left today (to his Dad’s house in Nevada) for

the summer. I miss him already! He is going to
Berkeley High this fall, so he won’t be around next
year anyway. I really hope we stay friends. I think we
will.

I’ve just been hanging out with my sister and

Gwendolyn mostly. Christine went to Australia - she
said she might move there next year. Amy is moving
out to Walnut Creek.

Ok, bye

Esther

131
 PART II

6 SUMMER OF VAMPIRES

Thurs. June 30, 1988

8:31pm

Hi, I am sorry I have not written for a long time. There

hasn’t been much time. But stuff has happened.

I hung out with Blair again (I told you about her, she
was my friend from Malcolm X, but I stopped talking
to her this past year). Anyway, she called me on
Saturday and asked if I could spend the night.

It has been a real long time since I’ve seen or talked

to Blair, and I admit, in some ways I’ve missed her
friendship-

And that vision I had that time I did that ceremony

(back before everything happened, earlier this spring,
when I said goodbye to the friend that I made up:
“Gem.”)

Blair was part of that vision, and it started out really

happy and as though we were like those girls - the
“flappers” in the “roaring 1920’s”. I wonder if that was
a past life vision, or what? And it’s true, I missed her

132
friendship.

Even though re-reading the part I wrote about what

happened at her house (where she pushed me into
that gross thing) is gross, and I wonder if I should rip
it up or burn it, in case anybody reads you, but I
haven’t yet.

And anyway, even though that happened a long time

ago, I have been still wanting to give Blair a second
chance. So when she called me on Saturday, I went
over to her house.

It was pretty fun. This is what happened;

We smoked pot. I’ve never tried it before. Her Mom

has a big cooler filled with this pot - called “Maui
Wowie”.

At first we put a whole bunch of the pot into a big

ceramic bowl and burned pieces of toilet paper. We
were just throwing pieces of the burning toilet paper
into the soup bowl until the bathroom was filled with
smoke.

Blair said I might not feel the pot at first, but I thought
I did. We were dancing around the living room singing
“I feel pretty, oh so pretty” from that musical - I think
it's called “West Side Story.” I thought I did feel the
pot because I never smoked it before.

But then we found her Mom’s pipe and smoked it that

way and then I really did feel it.
133
Blair lives in her own house. Her Mom lives in a
smaller house behind the big house but they share
the kitchen in Blair’s house. Later on, her Mom and
her Godmother came in and cooked fish and then we
all ate.

I choked on a fishbone. And I choked and choked

until I ran out of air. It was really scary. Then Blair’s
Mom gave me some water to drink and it took the
cough away.

The next day we walked around downtown Berkeley

and I really had to pee and no place would let me use
the bathroom and I got really sick. It hurt a lot. I
finally found some place that let me use the
bathroom, but even afterwards it was still really
hurting and I could barely walk.

Then Blair’s Godmother picked us up downtown and

she did some kind of energy healing on me that
helped me so much. I was completely better
afterwards.

What she did was have me envision a container like a

cup in my mind. So I did. Then she asked me to look
at the pain I was feeling and to tell her what color it
was. I did.

Then she asked me to fill up the cup with the pain

and asked me to tell her how far the cup was filled up.
And I did. Then she told me find a dark empty space,
so I did.
134
And then she said to dump out the cup and empty the
contents (the pain) into the empty space. And I did.

We did this a bunch of times until the pain was

completely gone. It really saved me.

Ok, bye,

Esther

July 12, 1988

Hi, I know it’s been a while since I wrote-

Two weeks ago I started daycamp at camp Key Tov.

This is my second year; I went last year between the
6th and 7th grade, too.

Anyway, there is this boy in my camp - Jordan. He is

really cute - he went to Willard.

I like him. Noah is in my camp again. Peter is too.

(I’ve told you about them both). Peter says he likes
me again. I told him I only like him as a friend.

We have all been building a trail under the Lawrence

Hall of Science. It’s really hard and I don’t like it.

I often just stay inside Lawrence Hall and read about

plants, which we are allowed to do.

Gotta go
135
Fri. July 22, 1988
Hi, again, it’s been forever that I have written.

I’m over at Blair’s spending the night. Her Mom lets

her do whatever she wants. We might go to the
Rocky Horror Picture Show at midnight this Saturday
(that is tomorrow night so I need to ask my Dad if I
can stay over at her house again). Blair has already
been to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She’s been
going since she was seven. My brother used to go. I
have never been.

Blair says she is turning into a vampire. She is

reading this novel by Anne Rice about vampires. She
said that she wants me to turn into a vampire with
her. I don’t know. Should I?

Blair got her period. When she got it, it made her so
happy that she leaped all around the room.

Today Blair and I walked up to Telegraph Ave. from

where my camp is (I cut camp today for the first time).
It took us such a long, long time to walk up there.

I don’t know why but Blair really likes to go up to

Telegraph. She wants me to cut camp tomorrow
again and go back up there.

I don’t think I want to walk all that way again. I might

see if she wants to take the bus instead.
136
Also, my brother Nathan took my bike (the new
Schwinn I got for my Birthday) and he took it to
Oregon. He gave me his old Uncle Wiggly skateboard
to ride instead. What can I do? So I’m just riding it.

Tues. July 26, 1988

4:44pm
Camp is out this week. We went on an overnight trip
two days ago. We played truth or dare for a long time,
almost all night. I Frenched Jordan like seven times
and I laid down with him in my sleeping bag.

We were all daring each other to French a lot.

We made up this kiss, it's called the “film kiss”. There

is this girl from France named Sophie, she's a year
younger but she's in our group. She was trying to
explain to us about the kind of kiss in movies where
people kiss and lay down on top of each other and
hug, she called it a “film kiss.” It was so funny, and
then we all called it that, and it became one of the
dares.

I Frenched with Jordan and Noah and even Peter. All

the girls did. And we all did the “film kiss” too.

These birds were out all night, they sounded like they
137
were saying “shit” over and over again. It was funny.
The next day we went to a freezing cold beach and
had to sing songs just to keep warm.

Bye,

Esther

Mon. Aug. 1, 1988

7:30pm
Blair is going to come with me and my sister to
Oregon to visit my Mom next week. I'm over at her
house right now.

Blair is getting really into being a vampire and now

she only wears all black- her Mom took us to
Sunshine Fashions on Telegraph and she got a
bunch of black clothes and leather stuff. She also
dyed a big linen shirt this beautiful color called “blue-
black”. She dyed it in a pot on her stove. It looks
really cool.

So Blair suggested that I dye all my clothes black with

Rit dye in the washing machine, but they all turned all
spotty and light grey - I can’t really wear any of them
anymore.

My Dad got me and my sister new black circle skirts

from Miller’s Outpost yesterday.
138
Today Blair and I dyed my hair red. It was Blair’s
idea, but I like it. I bought the box of hair dye at the
Pay n’ Save near her house and Blair did it for me.

I called Blake from Blair’s house just now. (I’ve told

you about him, my brother’s friend, my almost lifelong
crush). So I just called Blake and told him I dyed my
hair red. And he said, “Oh good, I love red hair.”

And then I told him I am turning into a vampire and he

said, “Oh good, I love vampires”.

Ok, I should go,

Love, Esther

139
Aug. 6, 1988
Hi I’m just babysitting right now. Blair is coming soon;
then we are going to go over to her house and then
over to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, at midnight.
Max (the baby) is sleeping. I guess I’ll just write, while
I wait for her.

Monsters in the dark

Playing cards with my the life of a shadow
all around them glooms a bird
so fiery and old
it’s cage is made of coffin board nails

Monsters in the dark playing cards with the life of a

shadow.

All around them glooms the pretense of a bird

so fiery and old the bird had told
the story of a thousand years but never lived
This cage, all rotted and misplaced
hangs from the ceiling’s scattered face
formed from coffin board nails stolen centuries ago,
from what was known as the other world
Poor drunken monster men play cards for the life of
what appears to be a refection..

140
(I think Blair is here, somebody is ringing the
doorbell-)

Esther

141
Mon. Aug. 8, 1988

(time unknown)
I’m at a truck stop someplace in Oregon before
Portland. I’m on the Green Tortoise bus, going up to
visit my Mom. I think I just got my period!! I had to
use the bathroom so I went into the truck stop
bathroom and looked at my underwear and I saw a
little bit of pink!

So then I went into the shop here and bought some

tampons and then I went back into the bathroom and
I read the instructions booklet about how to use the
tampon, and then I put it in. It’s in now. The tampon
does not hurt a lot, but a little.

(later)
It was my period!

When I got to my Mom’s, I showed her, and she said

it was, and she gave me some pads. The tampons I
bought at the truck-stop kind of hurt, but the pads
don’t hurt. There is now red blood, not pink anymore.

My mom is an artist. She gave me tubes of watercolor

paint and paint brushes with watercolor paper. She
said that “creative energy” and “reproductive energy”
are connected, and that I always have the choice to

142
use my creative energy to create “art instead of
babies”.

I really don't know what she's talking about. I guess

she just means in the future when I'm an adult.

Anyway, I told her that I already I know about the

“birds and the bees”, and that I'm not planning on
loosing my virginity any time soon, anyway.

I want to try the paints though; they seem like fun. I've
never used tubes of paint before. Right now, I feel
tired. I'm not really excited. I feel like I just want to
rest.

Blair is with me. She's all excited that I got my period

and wants to cut my hair tonight but I’m not sure if I
want to cut my hair at all.

Esther

Mon. Aug. 15, 1988

We’ve been in Oregon for a week. I’m going home.
We are driving back down with my Mom.

Blair cut my hair really short on one side. It’s almost

like shaved on the side. I guess it’s ok. I got my
brother’s old black trench coat. Here is how I look
now:

143
144
Blair brought her “George Michael, Faith” tape and
we have been listening to it in the car. She is
obsessed with the song “Father Figure”. She keeps
wanting to rewind it to hear it again.

Blair doesn’t know who her Father is. Her Mom was
in some kind of three-way sex thing or something and
Blair’s Father could be one of two men, an Italian or
an Englishman.

Blair plans to track her Father down someday. She

says her Father contacts her in dreams, and he is
also a vampire, just like she thinks she is. She says
that she got it from his blood-line. She’s pretty sure
he’s the Italian.

Aug. 16, 1988

Hi, I just got back from Oregon, yesterday. Not much
has been going on. I have been spending most of my
time with Blair this summer. During the day we’ve
been staying inside a lot to avoid the sun and stay
pale.

I’m home tonight, but I spent last night at Blair’s. She

sleeps a lot in the daytime, but when she is up she
has been testing me with her poisonous plants flash
cards, she wants me to memorize them.

At night we go outside and walk. Blair acts like she is

hunting- She spits on churches when we pass them.
145
She wants me to spit too, but I don’t see the point in
spitting on churches, so I don’t.

Last night Blair wanted to cut me (on my arm) with a

shard of glass and suck my blood. I let her do it. Am I
turning into a vampire?

Aug. 17, 1988

When Blair cut me with that shard of glass and drank
my blood the other night, I didn’t feel like a vampire. I
just felt as Blair says, that my skin is “creamy and
white”. I don’t think just being bitten makes you a
vampire, I think you also have to be willing to bite,
and I am not.

Maybe I can see why she wants to drink my blood- I

mean maybe. Maybe I think I can kind of understand
the “milky white” skin, so maybe I am halfway
vampire.

I’m not even sure why I want to turn into a vampire

with Blair, except that I’ve already come this far and I
don’t have much to loose at this point.

I still always remember the vision I had a long time

ago, of us being in the “roaring 1920’s” together-

(Whoa! I just realized something, just remembering

that, I think that Blair and Justin are somehow
connected)-
146
Justin is still in Nevada at his Dad’s, but he called me
today. Blair and Justin have never met, but I just had
a flash of that! Weird!

Fri. Aug. 26, 1988

9:30pm
Hi, I’m over at Blair’s right now, she went camping
with us (me, my sister, my Dad and his Capoeira
group.) Blair and I stayed in the tent and out of the
sun as much as possible. When we got back home, it
was my idea to sharpen our teeth with the knife
sharpener in the kitchen.

My sister Carmen is moving to Oregon soon. I’m sad

about it. Carmen is dressing up in all black now too
(she got all these cool Victorian looking clothes; I
don’t even know where she got them).

Carmen has been wanting to hang out with me and

Blair and I haven’t minded, especially because she’s
moving and I’m really going to miss her.

I saw Carmen in her room today, she was all dressed

up in dark clothes, with some really dark eye make up
on too, she looked like she was really depressed, and
not just like she was trying to copy me. We hung out
for a while.

Blair has wanted to walk all over the place instead of

147
take the bus all summer long. So we have been
taking these really long walks from her house on
Prince Street to my house on Rose. But besides that
we have been staying inside during the day and going
out at night.

I have not seen Kanti much this summer. Blair has

been wanting to hang out pretty much everyday. And
Kanti doesn’t get along with Blair anymore.

Blair and I have dressed up and gone to Rocky

Horror Picture Show twice. Blair has all this makeup
and she put it on me. There’s black eye shadow! and
red eye shadow! She gave me some eye shadow too.
I have it at home. It’s cool.

I start school like in 12 days.

148
7 BLACK TRENCH COAT
ASSEMBLY

Mon. Aug 29, 1988

Hi, school starts in eight days.

Yesterday I went over to T.J.’s. (T.J. lives around the

corner; I’ve known him since kindergarten.)

So, I went over to T.J’s, because Paula (I told you

about her, she and her twin sister Cynthia have hated
me forever). Well, Paula was over there, and she
called me up and told me to come over, and for some
reason, I don’t know why, but I did.

At first me and T.J. were play-boxing. Then we got

into his parents liquor cabinet. I’ve never drank liquor
before and I got really drunk. Then for unknown
reasons, Paula got mad and ordered me to go home.

I couldn’t even walk, so I crawled home, and I even

crawled through the traffic light (which was red at the
time.)

149
Then when I got home, my Dad told me to pick up the
clothes-pins off the ground in the backyard. I tried to
pick them up but I ended up rolling all around the yard
laughing. Then I felt really sick.

At night I still felt sick, so I called my brother Nathan,

he told me to drink some warm milk, so I did and I
then I went to sleep.

Nathan is still up at my Mom’s, he’s coming back

down, leaving today, but my sister Carmen left for
Oregon yesterday- she moved up to my Mom’s and
she’ll be gone for at least this next year, but maybe
for good.

I already miss Carmen being around. When I was

sick and called up there last night , I talked to her on
the phone for a minute too, but it was kinda late and I
was sick and she was sleepy.

Today we went to the city. My Dad took me shopping

for school clothes. I was still pretty sick on the BART
on the way over. We went to a discount clothing shop
in the Mission. I got a lot of clothes.

I need to get a new notebook too.

Justin called me today, he is back today (from his

Dad’s in Nevada).

Esther

150
Sept. 19, 1988
I started School two weeks ago.

I am going with T.J. (I told you about him, he lives

around the corner.)

We eat lunch all the way across the yard on the stairs
with the “Cuba” graffiti. We eat with our friend Jesse
Marks. Peter eats with us too. T.J wears all black too,
and is really into this band (that I also love) called
“Depeche Mode”. He also listens to The Cure and
other bands that I love too.

Both Jesse and Peter wear black and have black

trench coats now too.

We are the only cool group at the school.

I have a seventh grader that really looks up me. Her

name is Megan.

Today we went to Wasteland downtown (on Center

near Shattuck). Megan bought a black trench coat (I
helped her pick it out) so that she can look like me.

We saw Blair; she was hanging out with Traci and

Amanda, and some other people I didn’t know. I had
to get home, so we didn’t hang out long, I left with
Megan.

Blair and I have not had a chance to hang out much

since school started, but she asked me if I wanted to

151
spend the night and go to Rocky Horror with her on
Saturday. I told her wanted to go, but I’d have to ask
my dad.

Ok, bye

Esther

Mon. Oct. 3, 1988

I dumped T.J. and I feel horrible about it.

I dumped him because even though we were going

over to his house after school, and making out almost
everyday, he still wanted more from me. Now I miss
him, but he is going with Melody.

I wonder how far she and him have gone or will go?

Is a fuckhead who uses people, well not people…

(Then he told me he hated people like me.)

152
Nobody hangs out at “Cuba” anymore. I eat lunch
with Jesse, Peter (and sometimes Megan, but not as
much). But, we eat on the slope and a lot of other
people eat there. T.J. and Melody also eat there, but
we don’t have a group anymore.

Tues. Oct. 4, 1988

Jesse, Megan and I are trying to make our own group
on the basis that we all get depressed and we all
have that in common.

153
We decided we should open up the group to anyone
at the school.

We went and talked to Carol the school counselor; we

told her our idea about the group and she thinks it’s a
good idea, but we don’t know how we are going to do
it, or if we can.

The Fly

The fly is nasty and dirty

it lays eggs and buzzes in your ear
but still, it flies, can you?
So there.

Wed. Oct. 5, 1988

Hi,

Today my friends Nia and Faith invited me to join the

Black Student’s Union. I told them that I didn’t think I
would be allowed to join.

They told me about an “Oreo cookie”, where

sometimes somebody is black on the outside but
white on the inside, and then they said sometimes
there is an “inside-out Oreo cookie” where the person
was white on the outside but black on the inside.

They said I was an “inside-out Oreo cookie” and that

if I wasn't allowed in the Black Student’s Union it was
discrimination and that I should fight it. But I don’t

154
really want to try and join, although I don’t really have
many friends at school. Maybe like three or four.

Christine came back from Australia; (turns out she

didn’t move there), she is in English with me, but we
just aren’t close anymore.

There is a new girl named Celeste, (she used to live

in Belize last year), she is in English and Health with
me, she is really nice, everybody likes her, she is
really popular, but also nice to everybody.

I saw Brad Lord a few times after school. Even

though he goes to B.H.S. now, I see him at King all
the time after school. He kissed me once, but now
every time I see him he tries to kiss me. I don’t like
him.

Also there is this boy who goes to King, Darren Rye.

Darren chased me after school and tried to make out
with me three times already. Once when he caught
me and pushed me up against the fence, I didn’t have
a choice but to make out with him, but I don’t like him.

He waited outside of my last period class two other

times and I just had to take off running home.

I got some cool buckle boots at Wasteland but the

clanging sound the buckles make lets Darren know
where I am, so I had to stop wearing them.

Luckily I only live two and a half blocks away and I

run really fast, but I’m still kind of scared of him.

155
Today I made a banishing spell, (just an upside down
star that I painted with black paint on a small stone). I
made it into a charm to wear, to help protect me from
Darren, because I went to the office about it and told
Mr. Fletcher, but nothing happened.

Ok, bye.

Esther

Mon. Oct. 10, 1988

I don’t know why some people hate me at this school.
I have more friends than I did last year, but still,
people who don’t even know me, and have never
even talked to me before, are still always trying to
beat me up.

Today Tamara (she’s in History with me, and has

always hated me for some unknown reason), said at
lunch, that she was going to beat me up after school.

She is on crutches, too. Maybe she broke or

sprained her foot. I don’t know.

(I didn’t write about it, but I sprained my ankle on the

stairs at school on Thursday, and I’m on crutches.)

So Tamara saw me when we were getting out of

school and she came crutching over, coming after
me, swinging one of her crutches at me. I just
crutched off, wondering what her problem was.

156
Even though I faced far worse then Tamara- (and
recently Oscar Smalls has been acting so nice to me
and him being nice to me does offer some protection,
because everybody knows he is part of the
Waterfront gang and has a gun in his locker).

I'm not sure, but I think he might like me. Last week
Oscar Smalls came up to me when I was walking
across the yard. He said, “You're not white are you?
You're Jewish right?”

And I didn't really know what to say, but I just said

“yeah”.

(I guess I should tell you, because I guess you

wouldn't know from just reading this, and not that it
really matters but Oscar Smalls is not white; he is
black, but anyway, I just agreed.)

Although whenever we have the tests at school and

fill in the bubble with the number-two pencil, I always
filled in the bubble for “white”.

I didn't know that Jewish people weren't white, but I

really don't know much about it. Like I told you, I am
half Jewish, on my dad's side, but no one ever talks
about it.

And my mom's side, the Christian side, well they are

from England, and seem to be pretty much white,
(although my mom told me we have Native American
in her family, but that my grandma doesn't like to
admit it because she was teased when she was
young and called "Buddha" by the other kids in her

157
school because of how she looked.)

Anyway, what Oscar Smalls said, about me being

Jewish, made me wonder if my moms side of the
family sees me as "white" or not.

Although, the people who always beat me up at

school, (ever since I was in the Fifth grade at Malcolm
X) are mostly white, and they are almost always girls.
Tamera is white.

Black people never mess with me at King. Especially

this year.

Ever since I started dressing in all black. A lot of kids

would ask me, “Why do you wear all black?” and I
told them, “I just love it, it's my favorite color” (it is).

And then they would say, “you are right, Black is

Beautiful!” and stuff like that. And then the very next
week, I started seeing people wearing those black tee
shirts that say “Black Is Beautiful”.

So maybe if Jewish people aren't white, then other

people that aren't white, can tell I am at least half not
white?

It's something I never thought about before. Like, I

said, I always thought I was white. Not that it matters.

Sometimes it seems hard to be white at King, like

when they have the kind of assembly where the
teachers and other people get on the stage and talk
about slavery and how bad white people were.

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Those assemblies get really loud. The teachers yell,
and the other adults get mad, too. There is a lot of
shouting.

So some of the white kids run away when those

assemblies get out, and some of the black kids run
after them and fights break out.

Only once some kids came up to me after an

assembly like that, and were yelling about it, and I
told them that I was sorry about the past, but that I
was not responsible for what happened. After a while
they agreed with me and left me alone. But that was
in the seventh grade and a long time ago.

But it was weird, when Oscar Smalls asked me that

the other day, if I wasn't white, because I'm Jewish, it
made me wonder if because my dad is Jewish that
maybe I'm not 100% white. I always thought I was
white...

But at least I could just agree with Oscar, that I wasn't

white, when he asked me like that. Even thought I still
don't know and I don't really care myself.

Skin color doesn't matter to me, I don't really think

about it, but it's more just about school.

159
I actually think that nobody is “white” or “black”
anyway, and I don't know why they say that, since we
are all really shades of tan and brown and peach, but
that's how it is at King.

So, lucky for me I have Oscar Smalls being nice to

me now.

But when I got home, it hit me. I had to get out of this
school system! It's really just all the fighting. I don't
like being around all the fighting.

So I looked in the yellow pages and looked up private

high schools. I know, I just know, that there are
schools that don’t allow fighting.

My school, King, is not one of them.

I know I can find a school where not only is fighting

against the rules, but they make the kids follow the
rules.

I called a school called The Athenian School in

Danville (near Kensington) and I also called a school
called Maybeck in Berkeley. They are both sending
me information and application packets.

Speaking of this school- Karen (I’ve told you about

her, she is kind of annoying, but still, I don’t like the
idea of her being hurt). Well, Karen told me last
Friday that Darren Rye also had chased her and
pushed her around and made her do things she didn’t
want to do, more than once.

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Karen told me that she had complained to Mr.
Fletcher and that Darren had never gotten punished.
She expected Darren would be suspended or
something, but I also reported that Darren was
chasing me to Mr. Fletcher and nothing had
happened.

Well, Karen and I went into Mr. Fletcher’s office

together to tell him again that something had to be
done about our reports about Darren.

Mr. Fletcher said he would look into it, but I think

nothing will happen to Darren because I heard that
his Mom is the Principal at Berkeley Art’s Magnet (or
maybe some other school). What can we do?

Esther

Tues. Oct. 11, 1988

I'm in yearbook class, just sitting here.

Today has been weird.

I'm on my period, but I don't have any pads or

tampons, and I have no money to buy any.

No wonder they call it “on the rag” –

I found a old tee shirt in the laundry room this

morning and I tore it up into rags to use as pads.

I don't want to talk to my dad about my period. But I'll

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have to if I want him to give me any money to buy
pads.

For now I'm just glad that almost all my clothes are
black.

I've got blood on all of my skirts.

(Because before I found that tee shirt today, like

yesterday and the day before, bits of blood soaked
though and even onto the seats of the desks in
school.)

I hope nobody saw. Anyway, at least you can barely

tell about the stains, because all my skirts are black.

Oh well,

gotta go

162
8 INTO THE SHADOWS

Wed. Oct. 12, 1988

Hi,

Yesterday after school I was talking on the phone to

Justin. (He is at Berkeley High now.) I was telling
him about Blair. (I have not seen Blair all that much
since school started, since she goes to Willard and I
go to King. I have seen her at Center and Shattuck,
but I don't think I wrote about it.)

But anyway, he wanted to meet her, so we called her

up on three-way. We all talked for a while; then we
got off the phone.

Then Justin called me back. He already thinks he’s in

love with Blair and he’s never even met her! Can you
believe it?

He told me he had a dream about Blair, (it was

something to do with the big clock on the Wells-Fargo
building at Center and Shattuck), so that is why he
thinks he can envision her.

I think maybe that Justin thinks he is in love with her

because Blair has been cooking this love spell on her
stove; she’s been been boiling it on a slow boil every
time I go over to her house. She’s been cooking it
almost two weeks already and she plans to cook it
this the entire month of October.

163
I’m not even sure what’s in it, besides roses and
honey. Smells like maybe cinnamon or ginger.

Anyway, gotta go!

Oct. 13, 1988

Hi,

Today I met up with Justin and Blair down at Center

and Shattuck so they could meet in person.

Blair came up to Justin and right away she started

kissing him. He didn’t seem to mind. Then, we all
walked around and then I got on the bus and went
home.

Later Justin called me and told me that Blair is the

164
“girl of his dreams.” I didn’t tell him that Blair is going
with this guy from Rocky Horror named “Hawk”
(although that doesn’t stop her from making out with
Justin, or anybody else.)

Justin told me that he wants me to meet his friend

named Mark - (he met Mark met at Berkeley High).
Justin said that Mark’s never even kissed a girl.

Blair called me later and was sounding really weird.

She was saying that her dreams about her father had
been leading her on, and that she didn’t believe in
them anymore.

I didn’t know what to say. I haven’t been having any

dreams lately.

But I remember one dream I had about Blair not too

long ago - Blair and I and we were running through a
garden at night, and there were flowers made of
moonstone, shaped like crescent moons and stars. It
was an enchanted dream.

I think a dream like that is telling me that Blair is not a

bad person, or at least she is not all bad, she just
thinks she is. She was saying that she wants to “give
herself to the dark”, but I don’t think that such a thing
is truly possible - I hope it’s not.

165
Oct. 14, 1988
Hi,

There is this girl who goes to King named Sunny (she

is new).

Ever since I met her she kept telling me that her

parents are in some kind of cult, satanic or
something. I don’t know why she ever told me that,
except she has no friends (she has some sort of red
bumps all over her skin). I think she must just trust
me because I dress weird and I’m not very popular.

But I don’t know what she expects me to do about it!?

I didn’t exactly believe it, but then she asked me to

come over to her house. I was kind of scared
because she told me that her parents lock her and
her brother up in the basement all the time. She said
they are only allowed upstairs for rituals.

Anyway, I went over to her house after school today,

and it was like she said - she lived in a basement with

166
her brother and they had a kitchen with food and
beds down there.

And a long steep set of stairs that led to a locked door

at the top.

The vibe was pretty bad. I wanted to leave, so I did.

(My dad picked me up; she had a phone down there.)
It was weird.

I didn’t tell anybody about what she said - but I feel

sad for her.

I don’t mind talking to her, but she seems kinda like

nobody at all likes her, and I know that if I make
friends with a girl that nobody likes, everybody will
stop liking me.

Anyway, I don’t know what to do - maybe I’ll take my

Ouija board to school on Monday and ask her if she
wants to use it, maybe that will help her.

167
Oct. 17, 1988
Hi,

Today I brought my Ouija board to school and looked

for Sunny, but she was absent (or at least I didn’t see
her in yearbook class.)

After school I went over to Blair’s. Since I had my

Ouija board with me, we decided to use it.

I told Blair about the last time I used it with Amy, (I

told you about that a long time ago) and how the spirit
we channeled told us about different Time Travel
Places in Berkeley.

Blair was amazed, because she said she’s been

having dreams about the exact same thing! (Places
like that in Berkeley).

I guess since her dreams have been leading her to

how she is going to find her Father - this is how she
figured out she will do it.

She thinks, (at least this week,) that her Father has
died and is speaking to her from some place beyond
this earth.

So we tried to channel Blair’s Father with the Ouija

board and this is what it said. It spelled out “Lake
Anza” and then went on to write out about a trail
across from the beach at Lake Anza, and a burnt out
1920’s car being a marker.

168
I was kind of scared, because I remembered the
vision I had last year, the vision about Blair and I in
the ‘roaring 1920’s’.

The Ouija (or maybe it was Blair moving the Ouija,

but I doubt it) said that Blair would find her Father on
this coming Halloween, if she appears right at sunset,
to this place, up on the Lake Anza trail.

So, I guess Blair says she knew all this already, and
that’s why she’s been boiling that spell in the pot on
her stove all month. But she now feels I am involved -
because I told her about the last time I used the
Ouija, and how I found out about the Time Travel
Places.

She is preparing for this meeting, and she wants me

to help her. She is working on a spell and one of the
things she needs is the blood of a virgin, and I am a
virgin.

Blair told me she lost her virginity when she was

seven years old (and he was nine), in the sugarcane
fields of Hawaii. I kind of feel sad for her about that.
That seems way too young to me.

But anyway, she needed a virgin’s blood, and said it

only needs to be a few drops, and it can even be
menstrual blood, so I guess I’m ok with that, I am sort
of curious to see what happens.

I said I would do it, but I’m not exactly sure what I’ve
gotten myself into. I hope it’s not too bad. I feel ok
about it, even though it does seem a bit like “dark

169
magic,” maybe? I’ve only ever done “light magic”,
I’ve always been a good-witch.

I’m a good witch, that is for sure, and I don’t want to

get too “involved”, but if Blair really thinks I am
already involved then I suppose it’s possible that I
am, maybe?

For some reason I never told Blair about the vision I

had last year, (the one about her and me being like
those “flapper girls” in the 1920’s). But now that
Blair’s going to be looking for this 1920’s car on
Halloween (as a possible marker for a Time Travel
Place), I feel that, because of that vision I had last
year, it’s possible that I am partly, involved.

Or at least I’d like to see what happens, it does

seems like an interesting coincidence.

Ok, bye

Oct. 18, 1988

Hi,

Today after school, I met Blair downtown at Center

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and Shattuck and then we went over to her house.

She is still boiling those roses and other herbs - she

told me: ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, cardamom,
clove, allspice and black pepper. Making some kind
of paste, an “ultra powerful love spell” she says.

She wants to “test” it out. Not only does she need my

blood because I’m a virgin, she also wants me to test
it out with her.

She asked me if I wanted to try it, warning me that I

would feel “sexual pleasure”. I said ok, I might as well
try it, especially if it’s going to be made with my blood.
(I guess I’m a scientist at heart.)

Blair said the paste she is making will “attract all the
vampires in the land.” That it is already working, and
that “they are gathering”.

Blair is still convinced that her father is a vampire,

even though she thinks he died - because she
dreamed of him in a “vampire’s grave” where he was
buried with a brick in his mouth to prevent him from
coming back to life. So I guess she is trying to free
him from that grave, and make him immortal again.

I think Blair is possibly, maybe just a little bit crazy. I

suppose we shall wait and see.

Last night I got grounded (for the rest of week) for

coming home late, so I couldn’t stay at Blair’s too
long, I had to go home before dark. Now I’m home, I
guess I’ll go watch TV.

171
Bye.

Esther

Oct. 19, 1988

Hi,

Today was weird. First: at school, I got dressed in

the morning and I thought I looked pretty cool; I was
wearing aqua sheer stockings, an aqua paisley skirt,
with an aqua plaid flannel shirt, I was all matching
colors, so that was cool.

Then a bunch of people started to ask me why I was

wearing plaid and paisley at the same time. Then I
realized you aren’t supposed to wear two patterns at
once. They were all laughing at me.

Then, I told them all I was having my own “tacky day”,

and then, a lot of stubbies (aka want-to-be gangsters)
and some other just popular kids thought that was
cool. They said they were gonna have their ‘own
tacky days’ too!

It was kind of like that day last week, when I wore red
make up on one eye, and green on the other eye, and
people said it was weird, but then by the end of the
day I saw other girls were doing it too.

Anyway, when I got home, Blair called me, she was

being sorta weird, saying that I must bite someone, or

172
drink their blood by the time her spell is complete.

She said she’d cut herself and offer her own blood to
me, but she said that it would be better if I find
somebody who has never been bitten. (So, I guess
Blair was bitten by a vampire or something? She
never told me about it.)

Blair said I must do this for my own “protection”, as

the vampires are “gathering”; she told me that there is
no such thing as a “half-way vampire”.

So, then she explained that even when you give

somebody a hickey, and you can feel their blood rush
through the skin, into your mouth, that is the same
feeling that vampires feel. She said the main part is to
believe that you are a vampire, and you will be one.

I do know that hickeys can bleed, because Christine

came to school wearing turtlenecks for two week
straight. She had these “love bites” from Toby. (Hard
to believe, Christine and Toby are still together!)
Christine showed me, (when I saw her in the
bathroom applying make up to cover them) and her
hickeys looked maybe like they had bled at some
point, but I seriously doubt Toby is a vampire!

But anyway, Blair was trying to say that eating meat

was the same as being a vampire; that there is
always some blood. She said she likes to eat her
hamburgers cooked rare. I have never tried a
hamburger that way, but it seems really gross.

She was telling me how much she loves sushi - I

173
personally have never eaten it.

I wasn’t even allowed to eat meat when I was little

kid, but as soon as I was allowed to, I loved it. I like
hamburgers and hotdogs, but blood? I’m still not sure.
But I will try Blair’s spell.

Her spell is supposed to be “complete” on Halloween

at sunset. She said she is going test it out this Friday
night, and get it ready.

Part of what her spell is supposed to do, is make us

irresistible. She said that ever since she started
boiling the pot of herbs, it’s been sending out all this
energy.

I have been having the strangest dreams lately.

One repeated dream is of a person, - it’s hard to tell if

it’s a lady or a man- with long white hair and eyes that
are strikingly blue-grey and very wolfish.

The eyes are always of a kindhearted wolf, not scary,

but there is something that tells me it’s coming from
another place, somewhere not here on this earth,
maybe? Although it is always out in nature, out in the
trees, in my dreams.

Justin called me tonight too. He is still desperately in

love with Blair. He begged me to show him some kind
of white magic love spell. I told him there was no such
thing.

Ok, gotta go.

174
Esther

Oct. 20, 1988

Today I went to Center and Shattuck for a little while
after school.

It was kind of weird. I saw Blair and Traci and

Amanda. (They are friends with Blair now.) Justin
was there too, and some other cool people - I didn’t
know their names. Justin is still entranced by Blair.

I finally met Mark. (He is friends with Justin. They

met at B.H.S. Justin has been telling me about him
and said that I would like him.) Mark is the one who
has never kissed a girl. And he is in ninth grade!
Crazy!

Anyway, he was tall, with pale white skin and blonde,

almost white, hair. His skin looked like how Blair
once described mine (this past summer when she cut
me with that shard of glass and drank my blood)
-“creamy and smooth” and as she said, “almost good
enough to eat”.

I think I could finally understand that feeling that Blair

was describing. There was something about him that
reminded me of a sweet, freshly baked, warm pastry.
Something was warm and sweet, and soft about him,
and fresh.

175
His skin was pale white, but his lips were red. He
made me remember in the fairytale “Snow White”
when her real mother pricks her finger on her sewing
needle and drops one drop of blood, into the snow.

And how her Mother thought the red blood upon the
white snow was so beautiful that she called her
daughter Snow White.

There was something warm about Mark, but also

something cold and fresh like pure snow. Something
warm and cold at the same time seemed so delicious.
That is why Mark looked so cute to me that I kissed
him.

Then I gave him a hickey and I felt like a vampire.

Then Blair told Mark that I was one. It was weird. I

almost believed it myself.

I feel bad about being Mark’s first kiss, because I

didn’t really like him that much after I kissed him.

He just didn’t seem as cute anymore. I don’t want to

go with him or anything, but I don’t want to hurt his
feelings. I feel bad, like I took his innocence.

Maybe the whole thing had something to do with

Blair’s spell - maybe she put a glamor over Mark. I
don’t know. He is ok – but I don’t like him in that way,
I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings.

176
177
9 VIRGIN'S BLOOD AND
THE DIZZYING HEIGHTS

Sun. Oct. 23, 1988

Hi this is Esther writing about a weekend I will
remember for a long time. This weekend.

Ok- I got out of school on Friday feeling wonderful

because I wasn’t grounded anymore and so I was
glad. So after school I went to my friend Katrina’s
house. (Katrina goes to King with me; she is pretty
and popular.)

We just hung out at her house for a while, then (as I

planned) we went to meet Justin at Cedar Rose Park.

He was there with Traci, Mark, and an unexpected

serious attitude about what happened yesterday.
Maybe I should explain what happened.

Justin and I were having one of our long serious talks

on the phone, and I told him about some weird
repeated dreams I’ve had for a long time. Dreams
about an abandoned mansion in the middle of an
over grown field.

He started freaking out and saying strange scary

things about this Steven King horror book he read
and how it was connected with our lives.

178
I was very frightened and went to sleep. But as I said,
that was Thursday. I woke up Friday feeling as young
and green as springtime.

But anyway, I got to the park and Justin just blew it

when he started saying “I presume we all know why
we’re here” and beginning a formal meeting. It just
seemed like he was taking this stuff (with the book he
read) pretty seriously.

People shared unusual happenings.

Mark was saying that he felt there was some kind of

“evil being” in Berkeley and that it takes over kids
minds and bodies.

Traci was talking about some more of that stuff that

was going on within her (possibly imaginary) group of
friends. (I’ve told you about it.) She said they are all
runaways; the group is called “the pack”

Traci said that her friend named “Fly-by-Night” was

having terror dreams and was possibly being
possessed by this same “being” that Mark was talking
about.

Justin was saying how it’s all connected to my

dreams - (this and the things I have told him about
when I’ve done magic or Ouija -which isn’t everything,
by far) - so of course Justin wanted to bring Blair into
this, because he seems obsessed with her at this
point.

I guess I was acting too immature because everyone

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‘cept Katrina was getting pissed at me. So I left with
the knowledge that Mark loves me, really loves me.

So I went home and did my chores and then my Dad

drove me and Katrina to her house so I could sleep
over. Then anyway we stayed there for awhile, then
we left for La Val’s.

La Val’s is this cool pizza place on Telegraph, it’s got

booths and stairwells that people hang out in.

We first saw Blake, (I’ve told you about him, he’s my

Brother Nathan’s friend, I’ve had a crush on him
forever.) Then I met Zach, Blake’s friend and for
some reason we were flirting a lot, even though it's
Blake that I've loved forever.

Then all these other (cool) people came there. I didn’t

know any of them - but I met all these cool people:
Fawn, Susan, Molly, Trevor, and a lot of other cool
people.

We hung out at La Val’s, and then we went to this

place in the hills called “The Platform”. That’s a place
teenagers go to get drunk and stoned. It’s a real neat
place that looks over the stadium. Anyway we
trudged up there. It was really neat. But only a tiny
bit scary on that platform, so high up. So I didn’t go
near the edge.

I got kinda drunk (one beer does it). Then me,

Katrina, Molly and Fawn left. Then we went to Fred’s
Market and Fawn bought whipped cream (three
bottles). Then Blake came back with a girl named

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Rainbow and her friends. Fawn was blowing whipped
cream everywhere. Then Trevor bought two 12 packs
of beer. And Fawn and Molly left to get some acid.

So then me and Katrina left with Trevor and Blake

and them. But Blake and them went up to someplace
called “The Turf” to get drunk. I wanted to go with
Blake and his friends, but Katrina and Trevor didn’t
want to walk all the way up there.

So we went to “The Chateau”; it’s this large deck (of

this big house or apartment or something); the deck is
looking over the city. Got sorta buzzed, and then
Trevor started hitting on me kinda. But he’s twenty-
one so I didn’t even get into teasing him. Even him
hitting on me, just made me want to leave.

So anyway, I stuck four beers in my coat, paid Trevor

for them - then me and Katrina went back to her
house. We got there about one and then we went to
sleep.

Then we woke up in the morning. We went to the

Ashby Flea Market to buy Katrina’s friend a -B- day
present. Then we went back and met this nice man;
we walked with him for a while.

Then we went back to Katrina’s house. Then we went

back to mine.

Then she left, and I went up to Center and Shattuck.

I saw Blair with her boyfriend named Hawk - Hawk

was with his friend named Mouse. Traci was there

181
too. Then Traci and Mouse left.

Then Blair was really depressed so this big

controversy happened. Everybody was trying to help
her.

Then she was Ok.

Hawk left. Then Katrina came down to Center and

Shattuck.

Me, her and Blair hung out for a while. Then my Dad
drove by and he saw me and stopped and drove me
home.

Then I mopped the floors. I saw Gwendolyn. Then my

Dad took me to Blair’s house to spend the night.

When I first got there, Blair showed me the paste

she’s still boiling. I don’t know if she just has been
leaving it on a slow boil while she’s at school or what?
But she told me she’s been boiling it the whole time,
since October first.

Blair said it was time to add the blood. As it turns out I

am on the rag, so we went to the bathroom and I
collected the blood for her, on a large white dried
belladonna flower, which Blair had prepared from her
yard for that reason. So we did that and then Blair
added the blossom into the pot of boiling paste.

Blair had asked me to invite somebody to this, so I

invited Sierra, a friend from school. Blair had also
invited Amanda (Traci’s friend) to come. As it turned

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out (I asked them) Sierra and Amanda were also
virgins and I thought that Blair was going to ask them
if they wanted to add their blood , but she didn’t
mention anything about the blood.

She did ask them if they wanted to test out this new
“ultra powerful love spell” that she was making, they
both said yes. So she explained to them, sort of what
she told me, that this paste make you “irresistible’ and
creates “sexual pleasure”. It did smell good, it was
like roses and honey, and cinnamon and nutmeg and
the other herbs I already told you.

So Blair took me up her loft and asked me if we

should tell Sierra and Amanda about the blood in the
magic paste, and see if we could add their blood too.
I said Ok.

So then we went down and Blair told Sierra and

Amanda about the blood added to the paste and
asked them if they wanted to add their own blood to
make it more powerful.

Blair explained it to them, asked them too, making

sure that they were really virgins.

She told them how she couldn’t use her own blood
because she wasn’t a virgin. She explained to them
that it could be menstrual blood.

As it turned out Sierra was on the rag too, but

Amanda wasn’t. So Sierra said ok, and Blair gave her
the large white dried belladonna blossom and Sierra
went into the bathroom to get Blair the virgin’s blood

183
she needed.

Blair was hoping that one of us virgins would prick

ourselves with a pin, or something, because she said
that blood” fresh from the vain” was more powerful for
what she needed, but none of us wanted to.

So Blair boiled-in the other dried blossom with the

blood from Sierra into the pot - and then not long after
she scooped up a small amount of the paste with a
tiny silver spoon and put it on a dish.

So, Amanda, Sierra and I (the three virgins) sat on

the floor, facing each other, while Blair walked around
and smeared the magic paste on us, on our
breastbones, right above our hearts. She had lit some
incense and a large beeswax candle.

Then Blair held her Mom’s African drum between her

thighs and beat on it, while singing some song in
Italian. She said it was a love song. She was trying to
teach it to us.

It was pretty fun, then I don’t know why, but all of a

sudden, I got all depressed and said I was going to
leave. I was trying to go out of the door.

Amanda tried to stop me and her hand went through

the glass window. She was bleeding all over.

Amanda’s wrist was slit!

And I felt awful, it was my fault, so it seemed.

Then Blair and her Mom and Amanda left for the

184
emergency room.

Right before they left, I saw that a few drops of

Amanda’s blood had gotten on one of the dried
belladonna flowers (which were piled up in the
kitchen, right next the window that Amanda’s hand
went through).

I saw Blair quickly pick up that dried blossom with the

spot of Amanda’s blood on it, and drop it into her
slow-boiling pot as she walked out the door.

I might have already told you this, but that is not a

love spell Blair is cooking; she calls it that, but I know
better. I don’t know what it is, but it is powerful.

So, Sierra and I and Blair’s Godmother drank tea to

calm our nerves. Then Blair’s Godmother gave Sierra
and me a ride to Rocky Horror Picture show.

Like every Saturday - it was weird. But now even

different. Everyone all our friends who work there,
clothes normal leather and spikes, was now replaced
with expensive suits. They looked like the Mafia.

So anyway, this time I didn’t even pay. Mouse let me

go in the back. So anyway, Blair came eventually -
but of course Amanda couldn’t come, she was at
home. So we went in and walked to our seats and the
thing started. I watched it this time; I’ve never sat and
really watched it before -

It’s a movie about an alien transvestite who is making

a human man. There is more to it than that, but it’s

185
hard to explain, it’s weird.

Blair and Hawk made out in the seats. And Sierra

was getting chased around by this old guy named
Randy. Close to the end I sat on this guy’s lap - (not
sure what his name was) - I don’t know. He was
feeling on my thigh.

Well anyway, after the show - me, Sierra, Blair and

Hawk , this guy named Rick and that guy Randy plus
this cute guy named Dale all got in Randy’s car and
drove up to the hills.

Blair whispers in my ear that she wants to check out

her ability to find (she said “hone in”) on the place in
Tilden near Lake Anza. The place where she plans to
go to connect with her father’s spirit on Halloween.

In the drive up, at first I had my arms around Dale

and Rick both. But by the end I was just wrapped up
with Dale. Sierra was on Rick’s lap and Blair was on
Hawk’s lap.

After a long fast winding drive in the hills, we got to

this very, very foggy place in Tilden Park. Blair said it
was not the place she was looking for, but since
Randy couldn’t find it, he just stopped the car.

Then Randy brought out the booze: one bottle of

champagne, one bottle of Jack Daniel’s and four 12
packs of beer. I got a bottle of beer.

Then Randy (the old guy who was sitting by himself

and not with a girl), well, Randy freaked out. He

186
jumped out of the car and started kicking it (I guess
people were saying, he was kicking it with his bad
knee). Everyone was scared out of their minds.
People (except me and Dale) talked to him.

I drunk my beer and was gulping at the J.D.’s. I had

some champagne also. Dale was getting pretty drunk
also. We were just sitting in the car and making out.
Then we went out and we went into the forest and it
got intense-. I know it was Blair’s love spell, and I
don’t plan to go this far again, but this is what
happened -

Dale was kissing me, then he said “you’re fucking

beautiful”. Then he started kissing my neck and I was
wearing a shirt with velcro in the front, so he opened
my shirt and kissed my tits. I was prepared for
something to happen.

I am sure that Dale must have tasted that “ultra

powerful” love spell which Blair had smeared on our
breastbones, because Dale started kissing down,
then he ate me out! I don’t know why I let him do it. Of
course I have never gone this far with a boy before,
and I don’t plan to again . It was weird, but it was real
romantic out there under the trees at night in the fog.

And then Hawk came and stole me away (I don’t

know why he wasn’t with Blair at that point). I didn’t
want to be with Hawk, but he kept trying to French
me.

Then I found my way back into Dale’s arms. We were

187
making out again. He whispered into my ear “I love
you”. I didn’t know what to say.

Anyway later we went down the hill. I was still making

out with Dale in the car, then we got to Blair’s house. I
don’t know why but Blair, Sierra and I all each
Frenched each guy goodbye (maybe because of
Blair’s spell?) and then we went in. It was 6:00am.
But we went to sleep at seven.

When we got back to Blair’s, we drank some Red

Zinger tea. Sierra and Blair and I all told each other
what had happened with each guy, and it turned out
we all had the exact same experience!!

There is actually is something real to that love spell

that Blair made, (although, like I told you, it’s not
really even a love spell and I don’t really know what it
is.)

Blair told us that we were fulfilling the role of

goddesses, I guess I can understand what she
means. She said she had a vision that this was our
destiny- a psychic vision that this would be our future.

Blair admitted to us that she also added her own

blood to the paste, she also happens to be on the rag
and had added it earlier before we got there. She said
she wasn't sure if virgin's blood even had any special
properties.

But I wonder, what did she need us for? If she could

use her own blood all along? I’m wondering if Blair
maybe was just trying different things to see what

188
would happen. She never told us why she wiped up
Amanda’s blood and added that, but I guess that
does not need much explaining.

Blair said she wanted us all to be like “blood sisters”.

That’s the same thing she told me too, when she cut
me with that shard of glass and drank my blood this
last summer. Blood sisters.

Ok, well Blair is an only child, with no brothers or

sisters, and she doesn’t know who her father is, so I
guess she is lonely in her soul, that is why she wants
to be “blood sisters”.

Blair is lonely in a way that I may never understand,

although I know how it feels to be lonely too.

Me and Blair and Sierra hung out all day on Sunday;

it rained off and on. We spent Sunday at Blair’s
mostly; we ate food, and made Mochas with Blair and
her Godmother.

Now it’s Sunday night. I’m spending the night over at

Sierra’s and I think I might hella love Dale- or maybe
it’s just Blair’s spell. I feel really strongly. Goodnight

189
Oct. 26, 1988
Hi,

So, Dale is so in love with me!

I have to break up with him immediately!

I don’t even think he is that cute anymore.

I don’t think that I ever loved him. I think that was just
part of Blair’s spell. (I mean the same kind of glamor
that she probably cast over Mark that day I “bit” him,
she could have done that, she is capable of that sort
of thing.)

Dale is 16 years old (that’s just three years older than

me), but he was talking about how he wants to marry
me! I’m not ready for anything like that! Crazy!

Also he is a “rocker”, has long hair, and rockers with

long hair are not my type.

I saw Dale yesterday, downtown at Center and

Shattuck. He came up to me and hugged me, and he
wanted to kiss me right away. He was so happy to
see me and asked me to go with him, and I said Ok,
but I now know I need to dump him. It’s just not going
to work out.

Anyway, next time I see Dale I’m just going to break it

off.

Gotta go!

190
Thurs. Oct 27, 1988
So I dumped Dale.

I did it today after school at Center and Shattuck. I felt

sad. I gave him a hug and it did feel nice to hug him
in his leather jacket and everything, but he is just not
my type..

I saw Blair, I also saw Justin, she’s really leading him

on, I can tell.

Traci was there too. She was crying and everybody

was running around trying to help her. I was trying to
help her too, but she got mad at me, I don’t even
know what her problem was exactly.

She had the same problem that she did the other day,
(about that group of runway girls that she is always
talking about). So, anyway, I guess, Traci says that
her friend was dealing with some kind of demons.

Demons are not real. They are always made up by

humans; that’s what I believe.

Anyway, Traci got real mad at me, because I was

trying to help her!

oh well!

Blair and Justin were making out for a little while,

before Hawk came up.

Then I left and walked back home, and Justin walked

back with me to North Berkeley, and then he kept

191
walking home.

I’m glad I broke up with Dale though, (though I only

went with him for one day), I’m glad I got it over with.

Bye.

Esther

192
10 COLD WINDS BLOW

Friday Oct 28, 1988

Hi, so I’m in Math. I’m going over to Blair’s house
after school.

I’m going to spend the weekend at her house,

preparing for Monday (Halloween) and I’ll go to
school on Monday from her house and then meet
Blair after school before sunset - we’ll go up to Tilden
(Lake Anza), and then I’ll go home.

I have my Ouija board with me. I also brought that

one rosebud I found that day last year, with Amy, in
the Old Key Line train tunnel, (the time I saw Mr. Yee
with all those roses and he appeared to disappear). I
brought that rosebud - it’s all dry now, it’s been in my
special drawer.

I also brought the candy wrappers I’ve saved (I told

you about those candy wrappers, I got some Gummi
Bears from Noah in the sixth grade, and a candy bar
from Peter two summers ago in camp).

I pretty much brought everything that was in my

special drawer. I brought it all with me, just in case I
need it. I’m not scared.

193
Sunday Oct. 30, 1988
Hi, Halloween is tomorrow; I’ve been over at Blair’s
since Friday after school. This is what we have done -
Blair wanted to contact the spirit of the Ohlone
Indians. (They were the Native American tribe that
lived in Berkeley before anybody else.) I said that I
didn’t think that that Ouija board was the best way to
make contact with the Ohlone, that being in nature
would be better.

Blair agreed, so we walked all the way down to the

Marina . It was a really, really long walk.

We sat at the water’s edge and mediated. In our

meditations, we both had a vision.

My vision was that I saw the Native People of this

land, maybe the Ohlone, fishing in the creeks. Then I
remembered my Mom telling me about the story from
the Native Americans that live up north in Oregon
(where she lives).

I remembered the story of the salmon, how the

salmon are born in the streams, and then they spend
their lives in the ocean, but finally they return to their
original home in the streams - to give their bodies to
the tribe, so that the tribe would have food and
continue to live.

Blair didn’t tell me much about her vision, but she

said that she had seen three snake Goddesses. She
said it was hard to explain.

194
Then we walked back to Blair’s.

Blair will finally turn her stove off tomorrow (how is it

that she keeping that pot boiling all day when she’s at
school? I wonder again.) Maybe her Mom or her
Godmother keeps an eye on it for her, I don’t know.
But tomorrow, Halloween, Blair said she'll stop
cooking it.

It’s now thick and tar-like, looks like black burnt

caramel. I don’t even know what she plans to do with
it. I think the magic was in cooking it, cooking all the
energy out, sending it all out like steam.

And now it’s all cooked up.

Well, we shall see.

Esther

Nov. 1, 1988
Hi, so here is what happened:

Yesterday (Halloween) I went to school from

spending the night at Blair’s house the night before.
My sister had given me this blue old-fashioned clown
suit before she moved, so I brought it to Blairs and
wore it to school the next day. Then after school, Blair
took the bus over from Willard and met me at King
when I was getting out.

Blair was dressed as a fairy, wearing a pair of orange

195
butterfly wings. I didn’t want to keep wearing the
clown suit, but I did, I just wore my trench coat over it,
because there was no time or place to change.

Blair had planned it with the buses and everything.

There is a bus that goes up to Tilden that runs near
King, so we went to the bus stop, and got on the bus.
Right about an hour before sunset we got to the Lake
Anza bus stop.

Lake Anza is closed this time of year but we got off at

the stop and climbed over the fence. Then we walked
on this trail around the lake. The trail, Blair already
knew about. She was looking for this burnt out car…

Blair said the car was like from the 1920’s and it only
appeared sometimes. If we saw it, we knew were on
the right track. So we walked along the trail.

Blair had some pot, so we stopped to smoke it on the

trail. (She had taken her Mom’s pipe.) Blair made a
whole ritual of smoking it, which ended up taking a
little more time.

So by the time we got to the other side of Lake Anza,

it seemed the sun was just about to set, and then, we
saw it! The burnt out car from the 1920’s!

Although it wasn’t all there; part of it was sticking out

of the ground; it looked like half a car, covered in
leaves and buried in dirt. But it was the car that Blair
was looking for, and the sun was just setting though
the trees.

196
It started to seem really quiet; you couldn’t hear any
more birds. And it was foggy. It was starting to get
really foggy.

And even though Blair said she had been there

before, we were both kind of lost. So we walked
alongside that old burnt out car and came to as fork in
the trail, so we went to the left.

We walked a few feet more down the trail and we saw

a small light coming though the trees on the other
side of the trail. So, we walked in the direction of the
light we saw coming though the trees, and then we
saw that it was a fire! There was a low fire on the
ground!

We walked to where we could see fully a clearing in

the forest. There was a fire burning really low, like in
a perfect circle around the ground, along the clearing.

I kind of gasped, it was scary, but Blair silently

gestured “shush!” and we hid behind a large live oak.
What we saw I still can’t understand. There were
some people, standing around the fire. It was getting
darker by the minute, so it was hard to tell but they
looked to be wearing dark uniforms, black, blue or
brown. At first I thought that they were park rangers,
or firemen and policemen here to put the fire out.

But it was soon clear they weren’t anybody like that.

Because we could hear a soft chanting and it seemed
one had a drum, or something, because I heard a
faint drumbeat. Or maybe it was just my heartbeat, or

197
all the sound of the wind, I don’t know.

Even Blair was scared. And we huddled together.

Then, suddenly, Blair was like a ‘moth to a flame’. I

saw she had some tears glistening in her eyes as she
literally flew, as graceful as a butterfly, fluttered over
to the clearing in the woods where the circle of fire
was burning.

I stayed where I was, near the trail, behind the oak.

Blair, was over on the other side, and she stood in
plain sight, on a small hill above the fire. She was
looking for her father; she was crazy. These figures in
the dark did not seems to see Blair. They were just
standing around this circular fire on the ground

As Blair was standing on that hill, I was scared

enough to turn around and run, but I didn’t want to
leave Blair on her own. I knew the bus ran until nine
pm and I’d even walked home from Lake Anza
before. I could do it again.

I was considering leaving Blair there and just getting

out of there. But then suddenly I thought again about
the vision I had last year, back in seventh grade, the
vision with Blair and I in the 1920’s.

I looked at the burnt-out 1920’s car that I was

standing across from, in the blue shadows, how it
was coming out of the ground, half here, half not
here. I realized I wanted to stay with Blair now, I
needed to stay, I realized, like it or not, I was
involved!

198
I’m not sure if it was the pot we smoked, or what, but
sometimes those figures did just look like policemen,
and maybe that’s all they were, just there to put out
the fire, but really to me, and that’s why I say maybe it
was the pot, but those people kept moving as though
they were not really one thing or the other.

It looked like the entire group was connected by an

invisible thread; then one of them caught my eye.

Through the dark, I saw the eyes, these striking blue-

grey eyes. Wolfish, but kind. And then, as quick as
the eyes had looked my way, they were gone again.

But after that, this feeling of calm washed over me; I

am sure this was the white-wolf-like person I had
repeatedly dreamed about not long ago. I felt safe
and protected, it was weird. I breathed a sigh of relief!
It was like I had been holding my breath the whole
time.

I almost wondered if it was all a dream for a second,

but I knew that this was not. Or maybe it was? I mean
I guess I didn’t know if it was a dream, and it didn’t
matter. Like I said, maybe it was the pot, I’ve only
smoked it a few times.

Right then, Blair came prancing back, as light as a

wood nymph. She said she was ready to leave.

So we walked towards the beach side, quickly on the

trail. Looking back for one minute, as we waked
away, I noticed that the light from the fire wasn’t
coming though the trees in the clearing anymore. It

199
was just dark behind us.

I didn’t see the burnt out 1920’s car either. So Blair

and I walked along Lake Anza on the trail in the dark
(both Blair and I have good night vision, so we could
see fine.)

We got to the beach side of the lake, climbed back

over the fence, and ran back up to the street, where
the bus was waiting to take us downtown.

When we got down town I got on the 43 to go home,

and Blair waited for her Godmother to pick her up.

Before, on the bus ride home, from Tilden, I wanted

to ask Blair what had happened, but she didn’t say
anything about it, so I didn’t want to be the one to
bring it up. She looked different, older, it was like she
was even more pale, like she had seen a ghost,
maybe. I’m sure she’ll tell me what happened to her
soon enough.

After that, I got home around 10pm.

I changed out of the clown suit, into my pajamas.

There was still some “trick-or-treaters” downstairs, but

my dad answered the door. I’ve just been up in my
room.

Now I’m going to sleep

Love. Esther

200
Wed. Nov 3, 1988
Hi,

So today school went pretty good.

I think I told you that because Celeste is my friend, I

have been sort of making friends with a few of the
popular girls. So today, right after school, Katie S.
(she is pretty and popular) asked me if I wanted to go
behind the Gym and smoke a cigarette with her and I
did.

Then I went up to Center and Shattuck to meet up

with Blair; she wanted to walk through Cal campus to
Telegraph, so we did.

I have been waiting to see if Blair would tell me what

happened to her at Lake Anza on Halloween, but she
didn’t offer to tell me so I asked her. This is what she
said-

She told me she was “called over “ to that circle of

fire, and felt herself being lifted by the wind over
there. And that she saw the ground spinning around
the fire. She said it was an entrance to another
dimension.

She said she entered into another place and time and
saw her Father’s spirit there. (I told you about that,
how she said her father is a vampire.)

Well, Blair told me that she found out that her father
had died and his body had been placed in a vampires

201
grave with a brick in his mouth to stop him from
coming back to life, just like in her dream. She said
her father told her he is not stuck there, that he
doesn’t ever want to become physically immortal
again.

She said he was one of the oldest, if not the oldest,

just one of the first vampires in the world.

He told her that he was glad he died a vampires

death, and was buried in a ‘vampires grave’. He didn’t
want to be alive anymore, but that he felt sad,
knowing he had a daughter that wanted to be a
vampire and live how he had once lived.

So he told her that she will stop being a vampire.

She said he ‘ordered her to retire’. Blair said she has
no choice in the matter.

Then she said he warned her about “Golden

Vampires” how they can sometimes shine with gold,
but they are still vampires, and her Father told her not
to be a “golden vampire” either - that she needs to
just to retire all together.

I, for one, think it’s a great idea - stopping being a

vampire.

I’ve been feeling like I’m done with this vampire

phase myself. I’d be glad to done with it once and for
all.

Blair agrees with me, she already threw out that black
burned paste she cooked all last month (or I guess

202
she put it in the compost in her Mom’s garden).

Although, like I told you, the magic in that was in the

cooking of it. I’m pretty sure it’s just an old burnt
paste now.

I talked to my Mom and my sister Carmen on the

phone today.

My sister is really missing Berkeley and wants to

move back here even though she’s only been gone
two months. It’s harder with out her around, for me
too.

My Mom was sad too. She wants to see me for

Christmas break I might go up there.

The sun is going down right now and I can hear the
different birds. The wind is chilly and I hear the
neighbor’s wind chimes.

Ok, goodnight.

Esther

203
204
11 HOLIDAY GHOSTS

Monday Nov. 7, 1988

Hi, the weather has been getting cold.

I’ve been spending a lot time with Celeste lately; it’s

been fun. I haven’t talked to or seen Blair much this
past week.

It seems like Blair has changed. It's like she's moved

away from being a vampire, to now just talking about
guys all the time –

not that she didn’t do this before, she did, but now it’s
way more and it’s like all older guys from Center and
Shattuck that she gets obsessed with.

Blair always has lots of guys hanging off her,

whenever I see her now. And she’s kind of obsessed
with sex now and always talking about it.

(A lot more than she was before, which was already

enough) and she’s always trying to get me to loose
my virginity.

Celeste is still a virgin, so are most of the girls I know.

Blair is just weird.

Saturday, me and Celeste took BART to El Cerrito

Plaza and went to Emporium Capwell’s and stole
some bras and underwear.

205
(I have been really needing a bra; last year my sister
Carmen told me once about how to steal a bra, but I
never tried it before.)

Celeste is really good at stealing.

She steals a lot of stuff and never gets caught (or

even looked at twice).

I feel safe when I am with her, but still too scared to

steal much stuff.

Although I doubt I’d ever get caught when I’m with

her.

Ok, gotta go.

Esther

Tues. Nov 8, 1988

Justin just called me - he is still so sprung on Blair.
Sometimes she says she loves him too, sometimes
not. It’s kinda mean.

I don’t know what she did to him, but he is not himself

around her.

Blair is so vain sometimes, she doesn’t even really

like Justin, she has like maybe five boyfriends.

But he is convinced she loves him.

206
Justin is my friend, and Blair doesn’t treat him right. I
am wondering what she did to him - it seems like
maybe some

kind of magic, and also is there any way I can help

him?

I don’t know.

Bye! Esther

207
Monday Nov 14, 1988
Hi, This weekend has been good. On Saturday
Celeste and I went back to Capwell’s again. She
brought a big shopping bag (a bag from Capwell’s)

208
and started filling it with clothes and stuff.

Then we left. We went over to Woolworth’s and got

some ice tea.

Celeste stole me a pair of Isotoner leather gloves;

they are so soft! She also got herself a pair.

I didn’t steal anything myself this time. I wouldn’t feel

comfortable to steal like Celeste does.

Even though I have stole bras with Celeste before.

I'm kind of afraid of getting caught.

When I was five my mom caught me stealing candy

and made me bring it back to the store and then told
she me how I had broken the law.

She always says how bad it was to break the law,

telling me about how her father (my grandfather)
broke only one law, but was still after that she had to
live in one-room motels with her whole family, and
keep on the run, and lie to people that came to the
door looking for him, for years.

All because he once wrote a check for food and didn't

have money in the bank or something like that, and
even though it was a mistake, it is against the law.

He died when I just a baby, so I don't remember him

very well.

So anyway, I was always kind of very afraid to break

any law, and stealing that bra the other day made me
kind of scared to try to steal anything again. I do think

209
I could get caught.

I don't know why, but Celeste is never afraid she'll get

caught.

Anyway, she looks kind of like a goody-goody, so

nobody suspects her, I don’t look like that, not really,
not at all.

So that day, Celeste stole way more stuff than I

thought she would, shirts, jeans everything!

I have been hanging out Celeste a lot these days.

Here we are together:

210
Blair hasn’t called me, and I haven’t called her, for at
least a week- it feels weird because we’ve been
talking everyday for so long.

I still hear about Blair all the time from Justin. He is

still so crazy about her. I don’t even bother telling him
now, how she has like so many boyfriends. He won’t
listen.

I called Blake the other day. (I’ve told you about him,
my almost lifelong crush and my older brother
Nathan’s friend, I’ve liked Blake since the fourth
grade).

Anyway, I called Blake, just to say hi. And he told me

that he thinks I should call his friend Zach (I met Zach
that night I told you about- the night I hung out with
Katrina from my school, and we went up to La Val’s
and “the platform” and all around, that night, we saw
Blake, and I met Zach.)

Blake told me he thought I should call Zach and he

gave me his number.

So I called Zach, and we talked, he’s nice.

That’s all for now.

Esther

211
Wed Nov 23rd
Hi,

Today, I got in the mail, three “Sympathy” cards my

sister Carmen sent me, about her moving to Oregon
(ha ha!)

They are so funny. One of them says “ She’s Just

Away” and it has a poem that starts “you can not say,
you must not say, that she is dead, she’s just away…”
And then inside she wrote “I’m just away. I’m coming
back! From the dead!’ ahhh!”

I’ve been laughing every time I see the cards she

sent (I put them in my special drawer). But I also feel
sad because I miss my sister and in some ways I do
have a few friends, but in other ways I am truly alone
now that she is gone.

I was thinking about when we used to fight so much

over stupid things, like a head of cabbage or a
package of ramen. I even had to go to the hospital
when I dislocated my elbow knocking it on the coffee
table when I was fighting with my sister over some
food. I feel bad about that now. I wouldn't fight with
her if she moved back.

Ok, gotta go,

Esther

212
Dec. 1, 1988
I think I told you that I've sorta made friends with
some of the popular girls (like Katie S. and Katrina ).
Celeste does not smoke, but a lot of those girls
smoke cigarettes behind the gym at school.

I’ve been going and smoking with them sometimes. I

had half a pack of cigarettes that T.J left at my house
(Camel lights), back when we were going with each
other, right when school started this year. I kept the
pack in my special drawer to remember him by (now
the empty box is there).

Katie S. showed me that, depending who’s working,

it’s easy to buy cigarettes at Bill’s Liquors right next to
school, (not from Bill, the owner, he knows me, I’ve
been buying candy there since I could walk) but when
some other people are working. You can buy lighters
there too.

213
I don’t smoke them unless I am with my friends; they
are pretty gross, and I never inhale.

Also, I saw that girl Sunny today at school too, (the

girl who lives in the locked basement, who told me
her parents are in the cult), she is in my yearbook
class and has been absent a lot. I was wondering
where she was. She showed me these like burns that
went all the way around her wrist.

Sunny is friends with Zenia now. (I think I told you

about Zenia, but maybe not, she hangs out with
Marvin Mack and Peter and them).

Anyway, I’m glad Sunny has a friend at school

besides me, because I wasn’t really her friend. But I
hope she is ok.

I’m never going back to her house, I know that for

sure.

I hung out with Zenia once last year, she asked me

over, and she lived in this big house with her dad by
the marina. She said she was a witch too. We got
along ok, and we took a walk by the bay in the
moonlight, and she read some of my future, but for
some reason we never hung out again after that.

But it was so weird, because last year during

Christmas break my mom took me down to Tijuana
and I was just walking down the street one night in
Tijuana and I looked up and there was Zenia! She
was there for Christmas break with her mom too, and
we just ran into each other on the street!

214
Anyway, I'm glad her and Sunny became friends at
school.

Ok, gotta go.

Dec. 9, 1988
Hi,

Today, Celeste and I decided to go up to Center and

Shattuck after school. (I don’t think Celeste has ever
hung out there before today.) Lots of people hang out
there, not just the people on the oval (brick wall), but
everybody really hangs out there sometimes.

So today, Celeste got slapped by this girl that goes to

our school. This girl, Koko (we call her Kokomo
behind her back, like that Beach Boys song).

Koko is probably one of the few people at King who

doesn’t like Celeste. Celeste didn’t say anything to
Koko: Koko just said, “Are you looking at me?” And
Celeste said “no” and then Koko slapped her on the
face. A bunch of people crowded around, and then
right afterwards we got on the bus.

Before Celeste got slapped by Koko, we saw Blair

and Traci and Amanda and Justin and some others
over sitting on the wall. Traci and Amanda and Blair
and Justin and everybody still hangs out at Center
and Shattuck. I just have not been up there lately.

215
I went over with Celeste and said hi to them. Blair
was busy making out with Justin. Traci said she
wanted to talk to me and that she would call me later
today. I still haven’t heard from her.

I wonder what she will say if and when she calls.

I’ve never really been her friend, but in some ways

she is ok, but her stories of her friends, (the runway
girls “in the pack”) kinda freak me out. I hope they
are aren’t real. That would be better.

Esther

Dec. 10, 1988

Hi, this wont be long, but I just wanted to say that
Traci did end up calling me last night - she asked if
she could meet me tomorrow, I said that was Ok with
me. She didn’t say why.

I spent today with Celeste at her house, and we made

Chocolate chip cookies, they were so good. That’s all.

Esther

Dec. 11, 1988

So today, I met up with Traci, we walked around the
King track, and talked.

Something was different about her. Firstly, she made

no mention of “the pack” (which I was thankful,

216
because I’m sick of talking about that with her) and
secondly, she wanted to talk to me about ghosts.

She said she was dealing with some serious ghost

type stuff at her house, (stuff falling off the wall, stuff
flying through the air, feeling a man kneeling at the
foot of her bed each night, something pulling her
covers off at night, stuff like that).

She told me that Justin had suggested that I help her

with it.

Well, I told her about how my Mom saw ghosts in the

house I live in, before she moved away. (I always
wondered if the ghosts my Mom saw helped to drive
her away, they sounded pretty scary, one was just a
half a person, no legs, and it tried to smother my
Mom with a pillow.)

My mom told me the story of how my parents came to

own our house on Rose street. She did not like this
house or living here.

She told me that my dad and her were renting the

house when they first started living there, in 1977,
when they moved from San Francisco to Berkeley,
when I was two.

And then the owners of the house, who were an old

man and his wife on vacation in Europe: they got in a
car accident and the lady died. And the man was hurt
or something, and the doctors said he could not live
alone or something, so this house went up for sale at
a low price, and since my parents were already living

217
here, they bought it.

But then my mom saw all those weird ghosts.

And I told you about that, how my parents had this

Japanese (I think they are called “Shinto”) woman
come and do a ghost cleansing. How she chanted
and threw rice and left that tiny silk book over our
door, a packet of prayers, and even though my mom
moved away after that, that little book of Japanese
prayers is still there above the front door.

I have never seen any ghosts in my house. Not one.

I’ve looked since I was small. (although when I was
little I used to think I saw the other ghost my mom
saw, a baby in a orange tee shirt. But I’ve never seen
a ghost.

I’ve used the Ouija board to channel spirits, and

maybe I've felt ghosts sometimes.

But anyway, Traci wanted to use my Ouija board with

me, and I said ok, so we went back to my house. We
channeled that same spirit I channeled with Amy last
year in seventh grade - “Mary Townes”. She told us
that Traci’s house was haunted with the ghost of a
musician from the 1960’s named Ted, who had died
there.

Mary Townes (or the Ouija ) spelled out that Traci

needed to stop talking to Ted and he would go on his
way by the end of the year. The Ouija told Traci to
bring Ted a glass of water and set it out for him on
the table near her bed everyday for a week.

218
There is always a chance that somebody is moving
the Ouija thing. But this time, I really felt it. I think this

is real. In fact, I thought I could feel a ghost walking

behind us on the track earlier at King,

And then when Traci left, and it was dark already, and
I looked up the street and I could faintly see a
woman, all in white. It sent shivers down my spine. I
think it was a ghost, maybe the same one walking
behind us on the track at King, or maybe it was the
ghost (or the spirit) of Mary Townes? So maybe I saw
a ghost tonight? I don’t know...

Into the Darkness

Smiled the Air
Venturing in and venturing out
Despair
two mortals walking,
beneath their feet
dust explodes,
they talk of ghosts behind them
When Blackness tucks in and pulls the chill of cover
over his eye
to see her lunar hand reach out and brush away his
own dark tears
in a house
safe and warm
the mortals began to fear for the life of their dear
ghosty
the hunger pains yet elevate
waiting for the key
outside

219
Dec. 15, 1988
(10:25 pm)

Hi, I got a new book – I know I should write about my

past and shit, but I want to write about tonight.

Ok, so I left the house at 6:40 pm, I went to buy some

cigarettes and then I bought a lighter. I went to the
dance at school (the first night dance).

So I met up with Katie S. (I’ve told you about her,

she’s the 8th grade president, pretty and popular) we
went off and smoked. Then we went in the dance and
she went someplace else. All these popular kids were
being nice to me. I saw Celeste and we hung out for a
while.

Then I went home.

Dec. 19, 1988

Hi,

I found out today that I’m not going up to see my

Mom this Christmas, but Carmen is coming here!
That will be fun to see her.

My Dad got a Christmas tree, and he put lights in it.

We don’t have many ornaments, just a few, but it’s

nice.

220
It’s been getting really cold out side, my Dad also got
some Presto Logs for the fireplace, and we burned a
fire.

“Merry Christmas, from Pay-Less, Merry Christmas”

Jan 1st 1989

Happy New Years

Today, me and my sister walked around looking for

some food but nothing was open. We’ve just been
watching TV. I’m going to sleep soon.

Goodnight,

Esther

221
12 DOWN AND OUT IN
BERKELEY, JUNIOR HIGH

Jan. 20, 1989

Hi,

Sorry I have not written in a very long time.

Right now I'm in Yearbook class. I'm just sitting here.

Today was ok.

It was cool, I saw Kathy Bell (she is in history with me

and is always nice to me, she's kind of like a goody-
goody, but I like her.)

Anyway, I saw that Kathy was wearing all black today

(I've never seen her wearing all black before).

Then at lunch I saw her over on the slope, and I

noticed that she had a little note pinned to her jacket
–

the note said “I am wearing black today because of a

black day in history…” and then it went on to read
about how today George Bush is being sworn in as
the new president of the United States and why this
was a bad thing.

There was a lot of reasons, it was a long note…I can't

222
remember the rest, but it was cool that she did that. It
was kind of like a protest.

Kathy is really smart. She does well in history. I wish I

was her friend more than I am, but she is friends with
Melody (who is still going with T.J.).

I just never really talk to either of them at lunch even

though I always sit next to Kathy in history.

Ok I gotta go

Esther

(Later)

9:30pm
Hi,

So, today after school I went down to Center and

Shattuck and I met Steve. He offered to walk me
home. At first him and I were leaning on each other
while we were walking.

Then we walked though King, it was already dark. We

sat at the picnic tables, we were making out for a
while. Then I stopped, because he kept trying to go
below the waist.

I was ready to leave, when he told me that I couldn’t

just go because I gave him blue-balls. I asked him
what blue-balls was?

He told me that his balls could turn blue and he could

223
get really sick from making out with me (because I
had teased him). And that he had to ejaculate to
make sure he didn’t get sick from the blue balls, so,
he basically said I had to give him a blow.

I didn’t want to do it, but I did, and it was disgusting! I

can’t believe I did that! I really don’t want to think
about it.

Afterwards, I told him I would walk the rest of the way

home myself, and I did. I don’t think I like him. I don’t
know how old he is, but he seems old. I don’t want to
think about it anymore, but I don’t like him.

Esther

Jan. 21, 1989

I ran into that guy Steve down at Center and Shattuck
after school again today, he wanted to walk me
home, but I said no. As I told you, I don’t like him.

Today at school I told Celeste what happened with

Steve, and she was shocked and upset. It’s true, it
was gross having the reminder, walking by the picnic
tables at school today. Celeste kept saying how I’m
only in eighth grade! And it’s true.

I haven’t been talking to Blair as much these days,

but I called her last night when I got home, and told

224
her about what happened with Steve. She was all
excited and happy for me because I never did it
before. She told me to practice doing it on a corn on
the cob.

Blair told me that your supposed to lick it up and

down and then relax your throat and give “deep
throat”. That sounds super disgusting to me.

It’s weird, Blair reminds me of these kids that lived at

Harbin Hot Springs. When I would go up there when I
was little, there was one girl who was like my age, like
eight, and she would do a strip tease for her whole
class, and she wore a real fur rabbit's tail. Once a boy
our age laughed and said he stuck his finger up her
butt. She looked upset and said that wasn't funny.

Those Harbin Hot Springs kids always seemed kind

of weird to me, and Blair is like that.

Celeste is normal. Blair is not really normal. I wonder

if I am normal or weird, or maybe I am both. Like a
mix of weird and normal, I don't know.

Celeste is kind of mad at me because I let Steve do

what he did, push me into doing that.

At least Blair would never get mad at me about that.

It’s the opposite, Blair is always trying to get me to
lose my virginity.

So, as I told you, I haven’t been hanging out with Blair

as much for the past couple weeks, all she talks
about these days is her boyfriends and sex. Justin

225
told me he’s only ever kissed her, but Blair is more
into much older guys, and Justin is only a year older
than us.

Jan. 27, 1989

11:00pm
I feel so alone in the world. No one wants to see me
or talk to me anymore, so it seems. I feel like I’m no
one, no one at all.

I feel like my outside is getting better (such as grades,

habits, etc.) But my insides must be getting worse.

I don’t have that many close friends, about five or so.

But lately they seem to dislike me a lot. I miss my

226
sister a lot too.

And Celeste (the person who I was spending a lot of

my time with before) has just decided against our
friendship or something.

I don’t feel comfortable with guys in my life at this

point; probably what happened with that guy Steve
the other night caused this.

Anyway, I need to really and truly fall in love. I feel

lonely! I guess I feel sorry for myself but…I’m so sad.
I want to be happy.

But I also want to be famous, and in love.

All my magic inside (and all my writing talent), is

going far away, to never, never land, where I’ll always
be young, but leaving me here in the real world.

(here is my tear)

Feb. 1, 1989
Hi,

Well, I found out I was wrong, Celeste was not mad at

me. She spent the night this weekend.

227
We called up this boy named Matt, he is in English
(we call him “Red” behind his back because he
always wears a red jacket). He is cute, I’ve never
talked to him before, but Celeste had his number.

We pretended to be different people, we said our

names were “Crissy” and “Trish” and that we went to
a different school, but that we knew a lot of people at
King.

He talked to us for a while and didn’t know it was us.

Then we asked him what he thought of us.

He said that he liked Celeste but that he thought

Esther was a “scabby hoe”.

Then we told him it was actually us, and then he said

he didn’t really think I was a scabby hoe, that he just
said that.

Whatever Matt! I guess it's good to know what people

are willing to say about me.

(later)

228
Hi,

I am realizing today how young I am, (as I told you,

Celeste pointed that out to me recently, and it’s true).

Blair on the other hand, whenever I talk to her (which

isn’t as much as it used to be) always makes me feel
like an “old-maid”, it’s so crazy! I’m not even 14 yet.

And, personally I’m glad I’m not as experienced as

Blair.

Traci called me today. She said the ghost in her

house is making her really depressed and sad. She
said she’s planning to run away from home.

I haven’t been hanging out at Center and Shattuck

much, and hadn’t seen her, or anybody from there in
a while, but I went up there yesterday.

I saw Traci, with Justin and Mark; Traci was holding

Marks hand.

Blair wasn’t there. Justin is still in love with Blair, or

she seems to have some power over him. I told him
about a banishing spell, because he keeps asking me
for a love spell.

I told him how upwards stars attract

229
and downward stars repel.

It’s like magnets.

So I told him to dip his pointer finger into grape or

pomegranate juice, or red wine if he could get it, and
to trace the downward facing star with his fingertips,
on his forehead, three times in a row, while saying
“goodbye Blair.”

Then, to draw the down-turned star on a small piece

of paper and to write “goodbye Blair” under it, and
then to rip it up in 17 little pieces and sprinkle it into
the outside trash can at sunset.

And then walk away, without looking back.

There are many kinds of banishing spells, but this is

the one I told him about.

Who knows if it’ll work for him but it’s worth a try.

230
He needs to break free of Blair somehow. She is just
leading him on, and he knows it now.

Ok, bye.

Esther

Feb. 3, 1989
Hi, I realized something today.

That during that whole time with Blair, becoming

vampires, I lost some of myself.

I feel like I used to have more of myself inside, it’s

hard to explain, but I want to get it back.

Whatever I felt inside that was me, I need to get it

back.

Feb. 5, 1989
I remember a long time ago when my Mother and
Father were married.

And all of us, my sister and my brothers, and

Gwendolyn and her brother Dylan, who live next door;

231
and we would come out and play.

This was before Dylan learned to drive (before he

was ten actually). Before I was in the 8th grade,
before everything.

I remember Rachel and Beth who lived down the

street, (before they both moved away.) And the swing
set in Sam’s yard

I remember when I was in kindergarten, how my

grandpa kneeled down to look me in the eyes and
told me I could be anything I wanted to be.

And when play with stuffed animals could be done.

And along time ago I was happy to have six dollars,

so I could go to Mr. Mopp’s.

And Valerie who lived with us (and was our

babysitter).

And I remember last summer I would babysit for Max,

and during the hot summer nights I would dance with
him to Paul Simon Graceland, and he would laugh.

Then when Blair would come and babysit with me,

and we would dress in black and pretend we be
vampires, and go to Rocky Horror afterwards.

And along time ago I could sit and not feel empty
inside.

Now I feel nothing…

232
Feb. 6 1989

10:40pm
Today was a wonderfully productive day following
yesterday's "be a slob- I don't care day". Despite the
record breaking lows but extremely sunny and cold
gusty winds. Which all lead to a slightly chapped face
and a very scarlet nose (at least outside).

This is what I did;

I bought myself a really good four-subject notebook

with all sorts of special features.

As you (whoever you are) know, I lost my wallet with

my ten dollars in it yesterday, so I had about eighty
cents and that’s all. So I changed the price tag of the
notebook from $5.98 to 75 cents. I got away with it
though. Then I went home.

Karen (as you know she's annoying and gossipy)

233
asked if she could come over. I said it was ok. She
came over and my brother, Karen and I all sat in the
dining room. I did science, Karen babbled.

Then my phone rang. I went upstairs and Karen

stayed (still babbling). Then after I talked to
Gwendolyn I went down and did Math.

Karen went, in a little while; then I went upstairs to

clean my room. I have been doing that for most of the
time until now.

Except that I am really glad because Celeste is

spending the night on Friday, plus on that day I visit
Maybeck High School. I can't wait, but I can.

yours,

Esther

-I hear the wind pounding against the windows, it

wants in.

-I hear the buzzing of my clock, it's determined.

Things I smell:

-The smell of my electric toothbrush reminds me of

my Grandma Langley's house, but even more so, her
kitchen.

234
-The smell of my hair gel reminds me of when I went
to Grandpa and Elaine's last May (in Chicago, that is
where I bought the gel.)

-The smell of Blair's house (I smelled it Saturday)

reminds me so much of the past summer. It's like the
coconut “Skin Trip” lotion that they have by their
phone (and I always put on when I'm there), but also
something else, like a cedar-wood hope chest, or
something.

Today

Today I saw a spider die on my windowsill, It

reminded me of "Charlotte's Web" and how much I
cried at the end. It also reminded me of nature and
how beautiful it is, even down to the tiniest thing. I
wished so much I could help it. Hopefully someday I
will be able to help all living things.

-E.C

-Oh dear! What am I going to do about Steve? Poor,

poor Steve!

I love Blake forever. I wish upon the same star

looking out my window every night.

I simply wish "Blake forever". The star knows what I

mean.

235
Feb. 7, 1989

9:30pm(about)
Today sucked in a way. First I fuck up in Drama; then
I got yelled at to do better in History.

In English Malik kept throwing spitballs at me, and the

sub didn’t even care. In Math I fucked up on - and
brought home - a test.

Then to top it all off I get sick. I was ok, my throat just
hurt a little, and the next thing that I knew, the walls
were spinning.

I was coughing and sneezing and my head felt about

a foot thick. I could barely hear and…I sound like a
commercial for some kind of flu remedy. I think it is
the flu, since most of our school is out with it. I don’t
think I’m going back tomorrow.

Hopefully I can go to work with my Dad. He’s having

a party at his bookshop with tons of gourmet food. I
went to one last year. It was fun.

Anyway, hopefully, I’ll have go to school on Thursday

so I can visit Maybeck on Friday. I don’t know if
Celeste is sleeping over or not on Friday. She called
to say she might have to change it to Saturday.

Justin also called. He said he wanted to talk to me so

I said I’d call him back downstairs. I did but it was
busy. So in about five minutes he called saying
Cynthia, (the bitch,) called him, and he had to go

236
now. (Remember, I’ve told you about her a long time
ago, both her and her twin sister Paula still hate me.)

Then in about ten minutes I called him and he was

nicer about the whole thing, although I'm still not sure
why Cynthia called him since she's not his friend.

So anyway, I guess I’ll call him tomorrow.

I remember when the phone was one of the most

important things in my life, now it’s one of the least.

I guess I should go now.

See ya.

Esther

237
Metaphors to exist:

as cold as wires
as frustrated sand being ground and tossed and
played with for eternity,
and the sorrow exclaimed so understanding
that forever shall remain
unknown

????

Blake Forever!

238
"Creamy White
Dreamy white
Sweet dreams you can't resist
N-e-s-t-l-e-s
Sweet dreams you can-an't resist"

(I really love that Nestles white chocolate commercial

for some reason, it reminds me an old dream I used
to have.)

239
Feb. 8, 1989
Today was great. First I was sick so I didn’t go to
school. Instead I went to a party at my Dad’s
bookshop.
It was fun. I stayed inside all day. And to my surprise
and delight it started to rain. Really hard!
I nibbled all day. This is one of the menus; well I only
have one so I have to write it down.

“Before Noon”
British Columbia smoked salmon
bagels by Brothers
caffeinated coffees by Peets.

“Later”
Duck liver mousse pâtè maison poulet
Italian Torta with black olive and pine nut filling

God, I can’t finish this -

Anyway, gotta go!!
See ya
Esther

Feb. 9, 1989

Hi,

So I found out that Traci is real mad at me and I’m not

even sure why. I did everything I could to help her

240
with the ghost in her house.

She said that I’m spreading rumors about “the pack”

but I think she must just be saying that, because I
don’t think I told anybody about it.

It seems like she’s just looking for a reason, any

reason, to be mad.

If anything, she is probably mad at me that I doubted

the whole “pack” thing from the beginning.

Justin is always taking Traci’s side these days, but

he’s still my friend.

Mark is in some kind of mental hospital. He took

acid with Traci; they were planning to run away
together, but he got sick and had a bad trip. His
parents took him to some teens mental hospital called
Oak Grove out in Concord or Fremont.

Justin told me that Mark’s going to be locked up there

for a long time.

Ok, goodnight

Esther

Feb. 11, 1989

Hi,

Tonight I called Zach (Blake’s friend, I told you about

241
him); we talked for a while.

Then I called Blair, we haven’t been taking as much

lately.

Blair said she tried to “retire” from being a vampire,

(as you might recall, her Father’s spirit told her to do
this, during her “spirit journey” on Halloween at Lake
Anza.) But Blair now says, that she can’t retire.

I don’t know.

Maybe I believe that. Sometimes I do miss being a

vampire too. It seemed, so, I don’t know, alive.

Everything was alive and it seemed to sparkle in a

way…

I belong to love and passion

runs though my veins
can you help me?
drink my blood

Feb. 13, 1989

Beauty, love, happiness

Hi, I’m Esther C.

242
I don’t know why I’m telling that to my very own
notebook. But anyway (as “you” see) it’s the day
before Valentine’s Day.

I just called Blake (you know, my brother's friend and

my almost lifelong crush).

And he first said, “How’s your brother? Where’s your

brother? What’s he been doing lately?” It hurt me but
I answered.

Anyway then he said, “How are you? Happy

Valentines Day.” Then we talked and he was just
kidding around (I think) when he said, “Will you be my
Valentine?”

I felt at that moment, just because Blake had said

those words, my mind relax and my body feel so
bubbling over with joy and love and excitement and
all other emotions I couldn’t speak. I finally said, “Will
you send me a card?” He said he would…

(Later)
I just called Blake again. He and I talked for awhile
more!!!!!!! I love him so much. He got off the phone
saying “bye Valentine.” I am so happy I could drool.

Perhaps all those wishes upon the same star are

coming true - thank you my lovely star.

I haven’t felt this happy since Noah and I started

going together in 1987 (the sixth grade). I was so
happy then, a song came to mind from this - “Minute

243
Maid Orange” TV commercial, now it comes to mind
again.

“When you feel love you gotta let it out

when you feel like laughter let it out
when you find the one you’ve been dreaming about
when it’s this good inside, you gotta let it out”

Feb. 16, 1989

Hi,

Trying to stay friends with Traci has been pretty much

impossible. She gets mad at me ever time I see her.
I’m starting to think maybe she is right, maybe the
ghost in her own house doesn’t like her.

Maybe it’s because she is so bossy; she is a Leo, like

my dad. I usually get along well with Leo’s; they can

244
be bossy, but still, that’s no reason to control
everybody, not even house-ghosts.

But Traci is just always freaking out, and I’m pretty

sure she doesn’t like me anymore.

Maybe Traci was never my friend, it seems like she

just uses me to get everybody else mad. I don’t even
care if she is lying about me, I just want peace.

Ok, gotta go,

Esther

Feb. 25, 1989

Hi,

I haven’t written in a long time. But basically this is

what’s been going on -

I’ve been hanging out with Celeste a lot.

245
Justin (and Blair) have been taking Traci’s side more
and more - I am worried they are both mad at me.

Traci now hates me, but I’m just trying to put all that
stuff behind me!

I’m trying to shield myself more. Been home resting,

watching TV this weekend; there was a Twilight Zone
marathon on, I watched it for a while tonight, then I
called Blake and we talked for a few minutes.

I love him.

Goodnight

Esther

246
13 THE AWAKENING

March 15, 1989

I have not written in forever.

Last night I had a dream -

Blake and I were behind an orchestra but there was a

wall in front of us and behind the orchestra. There
was a grass lawn and flowers and ivy growing on
either side of a small dirt trail, leading to some
eucalyptus trees and a wire fence (like in schools)
with groups of kids.

I wanted to go across the trail but Blake wasn’t sure if

it was safe and he was scared. Actually where we
were was like

this:

247
Anyway, so we didn’t go across. We both lay down on
the lawn. The sun was hot. It felt very good. Blake
was reading a learners manual of some sort or the
other. It was orange and yellow with black writing.

I asked him a question. (I think I asked him what the

book said). And he said “this”. He was talking and
holding my hand, then he had his shirt off and I
thought I was kissing his back but he got mad at me a
little.

I said I was sorry, not really knowing what I had done.

And then I looked and where I thought I had kissed
him, I really had bit him. It was puffed up and welted,
it looked like it hurt a lot.

Then, still in the dream, I remembered lying to him

and telling him that I had another dream where we
were vampires, walking down a misty road, with our
trench coats blowing in the wind. (And I really did tell
him this, although it was not really a night -dream only
a day-dream.)

Anyway, in the dream I had last night, I was thinking,

how could I bite someone as sweet and nice and
wonderful as Blake? Not to mention the fact that I
have been in love with him forever.

So anyway, the dream then changed, we aren’t at

that lawn anymore. We are at the Cubs stadium in
Chicago. Not in the actual seats, but by the place
where you park your car. On the stairs - (grey
cement). He still has that book, and he looks very

248
hurt.

Still I try to talk to him. Then we are at his house.

Some girl wants to race elephants with him. He says
Ok. I feel jealous.

Then I woke up.

Then I fell back asleep and I had another dream-

Me and Kanti and Blair were all at her house. Then

Blair gets mad at us, (I can’t remember why), and
makes us leave.

I am next at a computer, (still at Blair’s) it reads in

green print that I’m going deaf or blind in my left ear. I
typed that I don’t think so.

Then a man who was my fourth grade teacher (he

wasn’t really, just in the dream); he asked me why I
typed that. “Typed what?” I asked. “See, you are
going deaf” he said, (it was like he tricked me).

And then I woke up.

My throat hurt. My head was pounding. My body

ached and I was coughing. Plus my sinuses couldn’t
be worse. And my nose was running.

I tried to put on my white jeans then I decided I was

very sick and couldn’t go to school. So I didn’t. My
regrets: Math homework and the weather.

Why couldn’t it be raining? But it was so wonderful

outside. What I did today was watch two movies (on

249
TV) eat, and read. I ended up reading one of my
favorite books almost all day.

Then I called Kanti. Asked her if she wanted to do

something with me this weekend. “No,” she said,
she’s busy. So I call Blair, ask her. “Not if Traci can’t
come, and she doesn’t want to,” said Blair.

Traci was over at Blair’s so she picked up the phone -

then all these insults being spat in my face from Traci,
about how I am 13 going on 2 and all this other stuff.
I couldn’t deal with it, so when she finished I just
ended up crying in the end like I always do.

Then I called Justin and we called Traci and Blair

again on three-way. Traci said the same thing, only
this time Blair was partially agreeing with her. This
also made me sad, I cried.

Then me and Justin talked.

Gotta go

Esther

(later)
That dream I had last night about Blake made me
realize something: that I’m not a vampire! (at least not
anymore.)

And that I shouldn’t miss it in my mind, like I’ve been

doing - and maybe, it was just a lie from the start.

250
Just a daydream.

Also, it’s awful. I would never want to bite anyone like

that, it seems gross.

I feel much better now that I have realized this.

The dream was so tell-tale, I mean it was awful and I

don’t wanna do that.

I would never want to bite somebody like that! I’m so

glad I realized that I was never a vampire!

It was all a lie. Like in my dream last night, an illusion.

I don’t want to be one, even if they are real.
And like Blair says, you just have believe. Well, I don’t
believe anymore.

And what I do believe is that I’m not a vampire!

I think Blair, (or maybe my friendship with Blair) was

causing me to be like, blind or deaf, and that’s maybe
what the second dream meant, (but it was the man in
the computer that said it, at her house, not her.)

But really, that dream of biting Blake was so real and

scary. I’m done with thinking that being a vampire is
cool, it’s not.

I feel like I’m having some kind of major revelations,

and I’m returning to how I felt when I was just a kid –
the good-witchcraft and light-magic, making up
charms and magic spells at Malcolm X. I’m
remembering what magic really is again.

251
In other news, school has been pretty good lately, I’ve
been hanging out with Celeste a lot, and also I’m
working on the school play. It’s a lot of staying after
school, but it’s been pretty fun.

Ok,

Goodnight

March 17, 1989

Happy Saint Patrick’s day! I am so happy that am
bursting.

I can’t really say why. But today after school everyone

was being really nice to me. All these really popular
kids were hugging me goodbye.

It’s only ten more days until school starts again.

I’m totally sprung off this boy named Andre that is in

the school play with me (Celeste loves him a lot too),
and I love Blake.

I could feel the school as one today. All one group of

people instead of thousands of little groups.

Andre was being hella nice to me today. My life is

really looking good!

I’m so glad that my sister Carmen is coming down for

252
spring break on Monday, my little brother Benjamin
also. So that’s about all.

My only regret, my room (it’s messy).

Gotta Go,

April 6, 1989
Hi,

I talked to my sister Carmen on the phone today,

253
she’s moving back down here as soon as school is
out! Yeah! I am glad! It’s been depressing around
here with out her this year.

I’ve been wearing white and light colors again (for the
first time since last summer) it feel’s good. I’m not
dressing so weird anymore either. I stopped wearing
my trench coat.

Spring is in the air and I feel pretty good.

Although there is still some people in my school that

don’t like me, and some mean girls told me they were
going to beat me up today after school, but I also
have way more friends then I have ever had.

The other day, there was a fight between some boys

from King and boys from the Catholic school Saint
Mary’s; and the boy from Saint Mary’s died, because
they beat him up with a metal pipe. It happened right
across the street from Mr. Mopp’s, at the bus stop.

It makes me sad, but at the same time I know I’m not

going to have to put up with this kind of fighting next
year. Since I’m going to such a small high school -
Maybeck -with only a hundred kids, I don't think there
will be fighting.

I talked to Zach again tonight; I think I might be

starting to really like him (but I also still think Andre is
hella fine).

Blair called me too. She has been busy with all her
boyfriends lately or something, because she hasn’t

254
called much, but she called and at first she wanted to
call Zach on three way because she wanted to meet
him, so I called Zach back and we all talked. Then
Blair wanted to call Traci on three way, so we did, but
Traci was being kind of mean.

Ok, gotta go,

Esther

Friday, April 7, 1989

Hi,

I'm just here in the auditorium. I'm backstage getting

ready for the play to start. But I got here more than an
hour before I was supposed to, so I'm just really early.

I don't have a speaking part; I'm just one of the

villagers that comes on stage and sings and dances
with the whole cast, mostly at the end of the play.

So I have a lot of time just to watch, but we are not

ready to start make-up or costumes yet anyway. Like
I said, I got here really early.

I don't have anything to do right now, but it's exciting

to watch people practice their lines and be excited.
I'm not sure why I didn't try out for a speaking role.

And I haven't had stage fright since I was five. But I

255
just didn't want to try out for a speaking part in the
play. Maybe I was just worried that I wouldn't get the
part.

When I was a little kid I used to do a lot of performing,

singing, dancing, acting and stuff, but I kind of
stopped.

I used to play piano, too.

My mom has told me a million times that after I first

saw a piano, I was only two, I kept asking for a piano
every single day for three whole years, until I was
five, and then she said she got a part time job to
make money so she could save up and buy a me
piano.

I remember when we got the piano, my dad knew

how to play a song called “Heart and Soul”; there was
two parts to play on separate octaves, so he taught
me the part on the higher keys and he played the
lower part, and we played together.

So I took piano lessons, and I learned how to play

piano. I even wrote songs.

But then my mom moved away and took the piano

with her. And then after that she had to sell the piano
to pay for her '76 gas card after The Trip. (I told you
about The Trip)

Anyway, my mom always talked to me about music

and stuff because she played the clarinet. Everybody
in my moms' family plays instruments (I think it has to

256
do with the Salvation Army); my grandma plays the
tuba, my great grandma was a pianist.

And so even after my mom moved away and had to

sell the piano, she kept really wanting me to play
music at school but I didn't --

Although I did sing in Chorus in Malcolm X, and we

got to go on stage at the Great American Music Hall
(for two years in a row) and sing with these famous
jazz players named Stan Getz and Richie Cole; they
called us "The Children of Madness" - that was fun
and cool.

But anyway, my mom is always telling me to make

music, saying I should practice on other people's
pianos, and I did love to play piano. But it has been a
while since I have even played one.

It was weird, when I was nine, my mom saw a healer.

I think he wore a white robe and that is his name was
“Dr. Starman” or something.

But I guess my mom had a treatment with him, and

then she had a vision while she was getting healed.

My mom's vision was that she had been a very

popular musician in her past life, (where she had lived
in Atlantis, the underwater city) and that the
government had done something to her music – so
that the message she was trying to put out in her
music was destroyed, and that she was holding on to
a lot of sorrow in her current life because of this.

257
Then she said her vision changed into an angel with a
golden halo that appeared at her side, and the angel
said to my mom, “Don't worry. Esther is here”.

Anyway, my mom always told me about that, and

since she always told me I was good at singing and
music, it always makes me think I have to make
music or sing or something when I become an adult.

And sometimes I do want to be a singer when I grow

up, but I usually just want to be a writer. Although
sometimes I think I'd like to be a scientist like my
grandpa. It changes.

Anyway, I think they might be getting everybody

ready and I have to go now!

Bye!

Love, Esther

Sat. April 8, 1989

12:20am
Hi, Tonight I just finished the last performance of our
school play - Scapino! It’s a great play, a modernized

258
version of Moliere.

Tonight, (I think) was the best show of all. The

audience loved it. Everyone had such high energy it
was amazing. It was fun singing and dancing with the
other villagers. And everyone kept saying funny
things to say with their lines or to cover up their
mistakes. My dad came to see me; and his girlfriend
Cindy came with him.

Anyway, afterwards there was a cast party at Becky

Bateman’s house. It was a really weird party. I just
can’t explain it, but it was Ok. I have never been to
parties with people like Becky and her group. But it
was Ok.

Anyway, my Dad drove me home from Becky's at

about midnight, (the play was over at ten) and here I
am.

I’m really tired. I’m also scared. I don’t know why, but
I am. I only get afraid when I go to sleep.

Well goodnight.

Mon. April 10, 1989

9:20pm
Hi, I’m just here - thought I’d write a moment to say
how beautiful the weather is at the moment.

For days we’ve had a heat wave. I mean in the 80’s

259
and 90’s, in April, especially in Berkeley. But anyway,
it’s really nice weather.

Now shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to clean my room.

I’ll do that now.

See ya,

Esther

Tues. April 11, 1989

11:00pm
Hi, I guess it’s really weird and only I would
understand.

But I wish life could be like, not straining anything,

just small shapes, but getting the point across. Like
mouthing the words to a song you know very well,
that is very free flowing.

Anyway, I’m weird.

Today I didn’t clean my room. Although - I started. I

went to Bills Drugs and got a hella cool looking file
cabinet. It cost 17 dollars but I changed the price tag
to two dollars.

260
Anyway, Last night I talked to Celeste and Zach. I
realized who I like, no matter how hard I try, Blake, I
guess, forever (not that I can do that much about
liking him, it’s in my blood).

I’m scared because I learned today in health class

that there is a tiny winey, itty bitty chance that I might
have AIDS (HIV).

I mean I really, don’t really think I do, but it’s always a

possibility because I was ‘blood sisters’ with Blair
(well, I mean, last summer when she cut me with that
shard of glass and drank my blood).

And Blair has fucked so many people, she lost her

virginity when she was seven years old and says
she’s been having sex regularly since then.

I already told you about that, how she said she was
seven and he was nine, in the sugarcane fields of
Hawaii, she said it was real romantic, but sometimes I
wonder if it is even true, that maybe she made it up
and something else happened. Maybe something
worse, I don’t know.

Anyway, I really don’t want to think about that.

So anyway (I smell peanut butter.) I burnt my finger

on my light bulb.

It hurts!!!

Ok, gotta go,

Esther

261
Wed. April 12, 1989

4:00pm
Sadness. I feel alone because I really don’t have
anyone.

No one to help me or to hold my hand. I’ve fucked up

so many times, maybe I don’t know.

I feel like a real nowhere man. Like that Beatles song.

“He’s a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land,

making all his nowhere plans for nobody. Doesn’t
have a point of view, knows not where he’s going to.
Isn’t he like me and you? Nowhere man, please
listen.”

April 13, 1989

That's how I feel. I guess I should explain.

262
I mean I do like Blake and he will always have a
special place for me. But on Monday night I realized
who I like, Zach (a friend of Blake's).

Anyway, I talked to him for an hour or so; then I

talked to Blair. Then we called him on three way and
talked and Blair told him I like him. And Zach said,
"Fuck!" because he likes her!

And I like him. And oh, I feel like crying again. And
Blair likes him (and Justin). But she is going with
Gomez- this guy from Rocky Horror.

Then I just felt all bad and got off the phone with Zach
and cried. Then later I called him without Blair and
said "I do like you and of course it hurts, but that
shouldn't change the fact that we're friends right?"
He said, "Yeah" and we talked a while more.

Yesterday I didn't call him. Then today my Dad took

my phone away for two months (because of me
calling Mill Valley all those times, talking to some
people I met who I never told you about, I met them
calling Zygote, 644-2424 the party line thing ).

263
But I called him (Zach) downstairs. I talked for awhile.
He really likes Blair, not just to use her either, he
really likes her.

I feel like shit!! Anyway I wish he would like me!!!

I ♥ Zach (I still ♥ Blake)

Zach Neville:

Age: 15 - 9th grade

Fav- food: Mexican, color: black, music: 60's

264
One word to describe: interesting, different

Draws

Aries

Fri. April 14, 1989

5:00pm
T.G.I.F

HI. TODAY I LEARNED SOMETHING

WONDERFUL.

HOW TO MAKE ENERGY BALLS. IT’S GREAT!!

AFTER SCHOOL I WENT TO MR.HENDRIX ‘S

ROOM AND HIM AND KEVIN AND I DID THIS
WONDERFUL MEDITATION AND THEN MADE
ENERGY BALLS. IT WAS THE BEST FEELING I
EVER HAD.

ANYWAY I STILL LIKE ZACH AND BLAKE. THAT’S

ALL FOR NOW

ESTHER

P.S.

I WONDER WHY I’M WRITING IN ALL CAPS??

(I’m not anymore)

265
April 15, 1989
Hi,

Now that I’ve learned that energy ball meditation I feel

so much more balanced. This is how you do it:

You sit straight and breathe and envision your

chakras,

your chakras are places of energy in you body, along

your spine starting at your tailbone, they each have a
color -

red-tailbone

orange-tummy

yellow-solar plexus (lower edge of ribcage)

green-heart

blue -throat

purple-third eye (middle of forehead)

You have a white chakra on the top of your head too.

So basically, you just sit there, and focus your energy

through your charkras.

Even though we were doing this after school; earlier

266
that day during Science- Mr. Hendrix had been talking
about the different kinds of energy during class that
day-

then he said, there was one kind of energy that they

don’t talk about in the book, and that was psychic
energy.

(Even though I already knew about psychic energy, I

thought it was cool that he was teaching the class
about it.)

He showed us how to use psychic energy to heal

people’s headaches in class, but after school with
Kevin and me, he was showing us, something more,
with the energy balls.

So, basically, you just channel your energy through

your chakras into your hands.

You cup your hands around each other like this:

Then you move you hands slowly back and forth.

While you meditate through your chakras and focus

the energy in a ball in your hands, you can feel the

267
energy ball pulsing and growing inside your hands.

It’s really cool. Mr. Hendrix loaned me a book about

the Kahuna (Hawaiian shamans), I’ve been reading it
and it’s great-

It talks about the three different selves -the higher

self, the middle self, and the lower self.

The higher self is like your spirit self, the lower self is
like yourself as a little child, and the middle self is like
your physical body.

But your higher self will only talk, or communicate,

with your lower self though your middle self, not
directly.

It makes so much sense- I feel truly aware, awake

and alive! I feel like I am back into the light!

Whatever I lost of myself this summer being a

vampire with Blair, I got that back. I feel back to my
true self again! I’m so glad about that.

Ok, bye

Esther

268
269
14 THE TEST

Mon. April 17, 1989

Hi, This morning I woke up really early around 6:30

because I didn’t feel good at all. I went to the
bathroom (diarrhea) Then I went back to sleep. I slept
a little too late (woke up at 8:35. I’m supposed to
leave at 8:30) I still feel really sick.

If my Dad was here I would have told him but he is in

Tahiti and his friend Paulo is staying with us until
Thursday. Then Cindy (my Dad’s girlfriend) will come
and stay.

Anyway, I didn’t want to tell Paulo I was sick because

he’s a real sweetheart and would do something even
if he knew it was wrong just to make me happy. So if I
told him I was too sick to go to school, I might get in
trouble with Cindy and (when my Dad gets back May
19th), my Dad.

So I forged a late pass and went to school. I got there

in the middle of first period. Next period (swimming) I
was sick and I didn’t have my suit so I couldn’t swim.

Then I went into the yard and Byron and his friends
started throwing basketballs at me chanting insane
words like;

“Don’t think about sex, irritated by your Kotex.”

- or -

270
“Don’t think about sex, can’t get it on, irritated by your
tampon.”

Maybe it was part of a rap song or something.

But anyway, after break I went to third period

(Science). Halfway through that I had to go to the
office (I really felt bad).

I got to the office to call somebody - my Dad’s friend

Paulo who is staying with us now, is not home (I
wanted to go home) and my Dad’s girlfriend Cindy is
teaching aerobics class, she won’t be out until 12:00
(halfway through fourth period). So I waited there until
12:00 when Cindy said I could go home.

So I did and Mica (Cindy’s son) was there (sick also.)

So we watched TV for the rest of the day. Then just
about 20 minutes ago I got off the phone with Celeste
(before we were talking to Justin on three way).
Celeste was really sad and she was crying and she
had to go but stupid me I hung up on her (by
accident) before I could even say goodbye-

You know, Celeste is a really a good friend. Not as

close as she used to be, but still a good friend. I don’t
know why I give her a hard time. She is not a snob.

Anyway, today is Gwendolyn’s -b- day. Can you

believe that GWENDOLYN IS 16?

I mean just yesterday she was 9 and I was 7 and we

were playing in Sam’s yard and now she is 16.
People age, I guess. But it’s just kinda scary that’s all.

271
I’ve known her since I was two, she was four. Now
she is 16

I mean, she’ll be driving soon, and working and

then…who knows.

But anyway I should stop tripping on this.

’m going to make her a poster of all our memories.

And also I’m going to buy her a Beatles tape (or
something.) Anyway, I’m still sick so I guess I should
say

“Ciao”

(Is that how you spell it?)

(Later)
P.S. Saturday night, (the night my Dad left for Tahiti)
my Dad’s girlfriend Cindy with her daughter and son,
Sarah and Mica, plus Celeste and me- (my Dad also,
although he left in the night) - we all went to Karen’s
(Cindy’s sister’s) Wedding reception.

They live right next to the ocean. At night it was

really fun (except for the drums when I was trying to
get to sleep). We went rowing and stuffed our faces.

The next day (Sunday) we stayed about half the day.

Celeste and I got into an argument over a stupid
game of Pictionary. Because I was acting stupid and
bitchy. Anyway, though, we made up.

272
Afterwards Cindy, Sarah, Celeste and I went
shopping for food.

So, I guess I never wrote about Cindy....

She's my dad's girlfriend. But she's not like his new

girlfriend or anything. I just didn't write about her until
now.

They have been together for a long time, ever since

the summer.

And I never wrote how at the end of summer, when

we got back from the camping trip with my dad's
capoeira group, my dad's ex-girlfriend, Yvette, kicked
our front door down (it was a door with glass
windowpanes.)

That was a scary day. Yvette was doing capoeira

moves, but she was actually really fighting with my
dad and Cindy (although Cindy was mostly just trying
to help protect us, the kids).

Yvette had been coming around last year when I was

in the seventh grade, after her and my dad broke up.

It was weird, Yvette lived with us for a while before

that, and at first she was gone, and then she came
back and was pregnant, and she had a baby, the
baby's name was Kaya.

Yvette lived with us, with her baby Kaya. They had
this diaper service. My dad told me that the baby
wasn't related to me, but I played with her a lot.

273
Then Yvette moved out, and my dad was really sad. I
used to hear him on the phone with her at night, it
seemed like he was asking her to get back together
with him, and she was saying no.

And then, a while went by and things were pretty

normal,

and then my dad met Cindy (or maybe they had

already met, because they all study capoeira in the
same group). Anyway, my dad and Cindy have been
together awhile now.

Cindy is really nice, she told me about how she used

to be a prima ballerina in New York.

Now she owns this aerobics studio on Solano.

She makes us pasta with pesto (and makes the pesto

with fresh basil) a lot on the weekends, and her kids
(Sarah and Mica) and us all go out to dinner a lot too.

But back to what I was saying, at some point, after

my dad was with Cindy -

Yvette started to come by our house in the middle of

the night, and scream and cry for my dad.

And she'd bring the baby Kaya too.

And the baby would cry too. And she'd stand outside
our house screaming until my dad would have to call
the police.

This happened a lot until Yvette kicked the door down

274
and everybody was fighting capoeira in the street.

After that, we got a new door; it's solid wood with a

peep-hole.

Anyway, that was all a long time ago, but I never

wrote about it. Now Cindy is staying with us because
my dad is out of town.

Cindy is really nice a lot of the time. She makes this

jewelry and gave me a wire wrapped crystal.

She also gave me this bottle of “Karma Sutra love

oil”, (she sells it at her aerobics studio) it smells good
and you can eat it too.

So - I don't mind Cindy staying with us while my dad

is out of town.

And I don't mind being sick today, as long as I don't

have to go to school tomorrow.

I also never told you, but I am also kind of friends with

Sarah (Cindy's daughter) now. Sarah is cool.

She is a writer too, although she is only eleven.

Here she is…

275
Ok, I think I'll go watch TV.

That's all.

Wed. April 19, 1989

9:00 am
Hi, I’m not in school though I don’t feel all that sick.

I didn’t go to school yesterday because I did feel sick.

I thought I needed a day to recuperate. So that’s why
I’m here, home.

276
Anyway, I feel really calm and centered (unlike last
night where I had to listen to classical music all night
to calm myself.) I’m also on the rag, starting this
morning so that’s really the only thing that’s got me
down.

Let me see;

Today I should.

1.do dishes✓

2. clean kitchen

Fri. April 21, 1989

I guess deep down I still really love T.J.

I cry when think how happy I could have been. And to

think he used to kiss me and now he won’t even talk
to me. I must remember, I dumped him, but I know, I
just know he would have hurt me more than I was
already hurt. But we all must have hurt feelings, or is
that true???

I’m just listening to Depeche Mode and I’m thinking

about T.J and…well I saw “Fun House” today and
remembered.

How every day we would go to his house. We would

watch “Double Dare” and such. Then once we were
sitting on his bed like we always were, and watching
“Fun House”. They had these stupid people being

277
cave-people. I said “cave-people…”

Hold on, I just realized - from the time I was on The

Trip, in the car, riding down endless roads, curled
next to my sister and little brother in the back seat,
listening to this same music-

(My big brother’s tapes, as he played them in rotation

on the stereo from the front seat - Depeche Mode,
The Cure etc.)

I knew as much about life as I know now. And I have

experienced so much since then, but I haven’t
learned anything. Nothing of real importance in the
world.

Not since I was looking out at the fields of Nebraska,

Georgia, whatever state I happened to be in. On our
across the U.S.A car trip. (I told you about that.)

Anyway, I realized, haven’t learned anything since

then. Nothing that matters.

But back to my story - T.J and I were watching

Double Dare and there were these people on the
show pretending to be cave-people so I said to him,
“Cave-people don’t do that - they pull each other’s
hair”. Then I pulled his hair. “Ouch!” he said. “You
hurt me!”

“Sorry.” I said in a voice that somehow always comes

out sounding tender and loving.

Then he pulled my hair. “You hurt me,” I said. “Sorry,”

278
he said in the same tender voice. Then we started
kissing.

This is too painful to recall right now.

Going to sleep.

Night,

Esther

Sat. April 22, 1989

The loneliness has set in.

I don’t have any food in the house, and I’m hungry.

I’m missing so much right now. I’ve been missing

romance and feeling stale and bored. I’m just here,
praying under the moon I see now shining through my
window, that something will happen.

The wind is pretty wild right now. I hear it banging

against the house. I feel like that wind tonight.

I just need something to happen, a little adventure.

I’m bored these days. I miss feeling things so
strongly. I don’t seem to do that any more.

I mean feel strongly, I wish I still did.

Esther

279
Monday April 24, 1989

9:30pm

hum…Argh…Yawn…so much has happened since

last I wrote (I mean Saturday).

I can summarize it up

Before I forget let me write about Saturday night’s

happenings. I had planned to go sleep over at Blair’s
and get stoned with Zach and Blair.

Blair has sorta been taking Traci’s side for a while

now, and also just not really being much of a friend
because she’s so busy or something with her
boyfriends, but she called and wanted to hang out.

I wanted to meet with him (Zach) so I called Saturday

morning and talked to him, but I also told him I didn’t
know when, and that I’d call him back sometime
today and tell him.

So we planned a time and I called him but he wasn’t

home. So I left about six messages for him from
about 4:00pm to 6:00pm.

280
I had pot, and I left it at home so we (Blair and I) had
to go over to my house.

Afterwards we went to Center Shattuck and we

stayed there and I met Caleb and this other guy that I
didn’t know, Blair knows them both from Rocky
(Horror).

Caleb (who is really fine, good body, but kinda fucked

teeth)- well, I didn’t know Caleb at all, but I was riding
his skateboard all around.

Caleb and me and Blair and this other guy (Caleb’s

friend) all went to the ally courtyard type thing and
smoked a joint they had.

I was so fucked up, I mean I couldn’t barely see.

Anyway, afterward (Caleb and me were just hanging
on each other, not kissing).

But anyway, we were acting weird. Then we all went

to Burger King, yeah… I know…Burger King…I got a
salad and I got Caleb a shake…I spilled my coke…

People ate my salad. Caleb was feeding me, I was

feeding him… Yeah I know it’s corny… Then me and
Blair did “where is thumpkin”.

Then we left.

We walked down to Rocky (it was about 9:00pm).

And then Traci went and told Caleb some very bad
lies about me, although I'm not sure what she said.

And then it seemed very apparent that he didn’t want

281
to be near me. Then no one was telling me why.

I was stoned as hell. I could not see well. I felt

strangely by myself in my own world. Caleb flitting in
and out of it more often than not.

But often he would leave on his skateboard and then I

really felt detached.

I was really confused (and as I said before really

stoned) and no one would talk to me.

So I cried. I cried a stream of tears. It seemed like

forever I was crying.

I felt lost in a pool of tears.

But then I stopped crying.

Blair asked if I knew why Caleb was mad, would it

make me happy. I said it would, so she went to find
Caleb.

Then, I saw him balled up in a corner with his

skateboard. And when I walked by he said he needed
to have a “talk”. I said “ok”, I sat down.

He told me that Traci said some stuff about me, but

he didn't tell me what it was. He also said that he
doesn’t want to hurt me.

282
I don’t remember what I said. But in the end I asked,

“So does this give you bad feelings about me?” He

said, “I can’t deal with this” and skated away.

Confused and stoned me wandered about, but soon I

was just stoned. I was happy - that’s when Caleb
came back and put his arm around my shoulders.

I said groggily, “Let’s go smoke a bowl”. Then this

other girl named “J” (she’s really nice) came with us.
She had a few tokes and then she left.

Then we just stayed there in another parking lot back-

ally, Caleb had his head on my lap.

Then, for the longest time we just sat there face to

face (or kinda cheek to cheek), breathing and
listening to each other’s breath.

And to my delight, he didn’t try to feel on me like other

guys do.

Then he got my neck and latched himself on with his

teeth (it bled). I think that made him feel good.

I don’t know what he was doing, but it was making me

go into spasms. I’ve been to the vampire phase, but I

283
don’t know. Anyway it felt really good.

After he was done, I felt like I wanted to be with him

for the rest of my life.

I didn’t say that, but I think he heard me in a

telepathic way, because then we just started kissing.

Then, everything started spinning and for one

second, I wasn’t in that parking lot anymore, and I
wasn’t with Caleb either, I was alone, further down on
Shattuck -

We were closer to the U.C Theater, over near

University and Shattuck, (in a parking lot near
MacDonald’s) but I was, all of a sudden, by myself,
further down on Shattuck, like near the library and the
Shattuck Hotel.

I don’t know how that happened, but as the ground

was spinning, my body really felt like it moved places
- the ground continued to turn, and then I was back in
the parking lot with Caleb. It was really weird, I can’t
really explain it, it’s like I left my body or something.

Then we sat there kissing for a while. Then we went

back in the front of the parking lot. We sat down and
just held each other for a while. We stayed that way
most of the night. From like 10:30pm-1:00am.

Then around 1:00am we went inside Rocky (I had

bought a ticket, but just a waste of $4.50). So we
went in and sat in some seats in the back row and
kissed and hugged for a long time.

284
Then I latched with my teeth on to his neck. Then he
shivered and jerked about. Then said, “Don’t do that
again if you don’t want me to rape you here and now”.

So I didn’t for a while, then I don’t know why, but I did

it again. Then he did it to me again.

Then I went in the lobby and he said he had to go. He

said he had to leave. And I got serious and he didn’t
kiss me goodbye. I hugged him and then he held out
his hand in a half wave and skated away.

Soon after, Blair and I left. Then me and Blair walked

in the freezing pouring rain to catch the bus.

We waited. (It was about 4:00am on Sunday.) And

then in about twenty minutes a cop came and asked if
we were runaways, etc.

So we called Blair’s Mom from the payphone, and

she came and picked us up. Then we went home,
had tea, and went to sleep. I got to sleep around 5:30
Am and woke up at 9:30 am.

Sunday, hum…what did I do?…Sat around…watched

TV…couldn’t get to sleep…

Today…went to school…took make-up CAP test.

Got a bathing suit for $58.00……Cindy took me

shopping for it. …..????

I thought of Caleb. I wonder? Does he like/remember

me?

285
On Sunday and today I had to hide hickeys. Cindy
saw them when I was trying on bathing suits today.
Oops……

I don’t have Caleb’s phone number (if he has one)

and don’t have any way of getting a hold of him.

Maybe I will go up to Center tomorrow (Center and

Shattuck).

I might see him. I know he said he is going to Oregon

on the 1st.. I don’t know -much about him.

286
Wed. April 26, 1989

Around me circles sweet thick smoke. And can I cry?

For the mask is not fair.
On the windowsill a troll stands.
Fearless, yellow eyes don’t care. They just stare.
Can you look my way. And flick your eyes?
For I can’t.
You pulled out from under me, the ugly sheet of my
appearance.
And grabbed the inside of me.
Not even knowing what it was.
And you didn’t want it.

Fuck, I can’t write anymore!!!!!!!! Caleb is confusing

me!!

287
(9:30pm)
I’m a real nowhere man. Today I wanted to try and
find Caleb so I went up to Center and I saw a bunch
of Rocky Horror people, Traci’s friends, I don’t know
any of them, but most of them hate me now anyway.

One of the nicer girls named Alice called over to me,

“Esther!” so I went over there. Caleb and Traci were
there with some of their Rocky friends. It looked like
Caleb and Traci were making out or something.

So I went over, and walked around in circles and then

I went back and another one of the other nice girls,
Suzy, was there.

So I talked to her, then I walked near “them”- (Traci,

Caleb and the rest of the people sitting on the oval
brick wall). They told me to leave.

“They” were acting really spiteful and nasty. So I

stayed talking to Suzy. Then went to where “they”
were about to leave. Caleb told me he’d explain “all
this” to me if he saw me in Portland. Then he started
to walk away.

Alice called him back, so I told him that “I wouldn’t be

in Oregon and if he could tell me now”.

“No,” he said, he couldn’t. “You could you call me?” I

said. He said that he already tried to get my number
from Blair last night but she wasn’t home. “I could
give you my number now,” I contributed.

288
“No, I’ll tell you when I’ll get home,” he said. And
that’s all. He walked away with Traci. Maybe he hates
me, but not as much as Traci hates me. (Well, that’s
part of it).

But he already hates me and he hasn’t even given

me a chance. It’s Traci. She does not, at any
expense, want us to be around each other. The
fucking bitch.

Anyway, nothing much is going on. I’m just really

depressed. And bitter

(My trademark)

289
(Later)
I just now realized something...after that happened
with Caleb, I remembered how Blair told me what she
learned from her Father’s spirit on Halloween about
the “Golden Vampires”.

I realized that Caleb must be a golden vampire.

Not that I know what that means, besides that Caleb

has a tan (and a golden glow), instead of being pale
white.

Besides that, I really don’t know anything anymore.

I’m just feeling so confused.

I feel like Caleb took the light that was starting to

grow back inside me again. I am scared of him, but I
kind of like him too, and I don’t know why.

I just know nothing about him, have no way to reach

him and don’t know if he likes me. I doubt he likes
me, I think he was just using me.

I feel bad. I feel like I let him take my life force when
he latched onto my neck with his teeth. It was like he
was out to drink my blood and now there is nothing
left.

I wonder if Blair was right, that there is no “going

back”, and maybe I sometimes still wish I was still a
vampire. Just like Blair used to say, for my “own
protection”.

290
I don’t know, maybe I’m just really sick of being used
by people.

That’s all

291
15 HOPE AT THE END OF
THE ROPE

Thurs. April 27, 1989

I’m feeling a lot better then I was yesterday.

I just feel centered. Do you know my -B- day is

exactly a month away (well not exactly, but I was born
on May 27, 1975 at 5:46 pm. That is when I was
born.)

You know, I was thinking,

Maybe life’s a test and after life is when something in

“reality” begins- maybe?

Anyway, this will be short, because I want to read

then go to sleep,

Night,

Esther

Fri. April 28, 1989

Hi,

Well, if life is a test, then I hope to improve my life.

I don’t know exactly how- I’m going to the store to get

food, (Cindy is going to take me) and that is a good

292
thing.

I never used to eat, or I’d just eat a candy bar for

dinner or something... so it feels good to be going get
food.

But it's weird because I feel like the more aware I get
the more depressed I get.

Gotta go!

(later)
Ok, I got some food for the week! I'll make a plan of
what I'll eat;

Monday:

Breakfast-yogurt

293
Lunch-soup

Dinner- ravoli

Tuesday:

Breakfast- cereal and milk

Lunch- yogurt

Dinner- soup and salad

Wednesday:

Breakfast- yogurt

Lunch-soup

Dinner- burrito

Thursday:

Breakfast-cereal and milk

Lunch-burrito

Dinner- soup

Friday:

Breakfast- yogurt

Lunch- soup

Dinner- ravoli and salad

Saturday:

294
Breakfast -cereal and milk

Lunch- burrito

Dinner- _ _

Mon. May 1, 1989

9:00pm (exactly)
Hi,

I haven’t written for a long time (since Friday) but I’ll

tell you what happened.

Friday, I went to Safeway with Karen (I told you about

her, she goes to King) and her friend Daisy (great
fucking deal!).

Then we went home and Sarah (I told you, Sarah is

the daughter of my Dad’s girlfriend Cindy); anyway,
Sarah was here, so we watched the Muppets. Then
Cindy took me shopping for food at Andronico's.

Then on Saturday Celeste came over and we went to

Bill’s Drugs and changed a lot of price tags and got
things. Then she spent the night.

(I think I mentioned to you how my Dad’s in Australia

and he’s been gone for two weeks. He was in Tahiti
before. My Dad’s girlfriend Cindy’s been taking care
of us part time and his friend Paulo is staying with us
part of the time).

295
Anyway, then Sarah, Celeste and I went to Bill’s
Drugs and changed more price tags, bought more
things. Cindy left with Sarah.

Celeste left. Then I called Kanti. She came over to

sleep over (she doesn’t have school today). Anyway
my brother’s friend Perrin was around and we all
stayed up real late (like until 3:00 Am on Sunday)
talking.

I let Perrin hold my hand, so I’m afraid that he might

like me. I don’t like him.

I got stoned last night with Perrin.

Blair seems kind of mad at me again or something, or

she is just kind of distant because of other reasons.

She’s still obsessed with sex and boys, and it's like
she wishes I was too, but really, I don’t know why she
even cares if I loose my virginity or not, I mean it
seems like it’s my choice, not hers.

Now I’m cutting school for the first time this year. I’m
just chilling at home, hoping Cindy doesn’t drop by.
Kanti is going to call at 11:00.

Esther

296
Tues. May 2, 1989

Hello,

I feel like a real ‘Nowhere Man’. I’m severely

depressed.

I have nothing to look forwards to.

Just another boring day at school with no real friends.

After the play ended there was nothing.

No full schedule, no nothing.

Now, the -b- day party I wanted to have, my Father

cancelled.

Nothing nowhere.

I'm missing my sister too.

I feel like, as my sister said on the phone: “everyone

is pulling me into a big dark endless shit pit”.

297
Today Paulo yelled at me because of things my big
brother did. So did Cindy. So did my Dad, when I
talked to him on the phone in Australia.

All I can do is justify my brothers actions, put myself

in his place and take the anger.

I talked to my sister today on the phone today. She is

depressed, she wants to run away.

My little brother still has no discipline and is still way

too dependent.

My Mother’s mind is screwed, and guilt inflicting as

usual. I am not exaggerating.

My Father only shows his feelings in anger.

And me, I take on other people’s feelings, and get

depressed.

It’s amazing how music can lift your feelings (or drop
them). Now the song “The Look” is on the radio- it’s
one of my favorite songs, and it has lifted my spirits- a
little- but I’m still a Nowhere Man.“

298
"…walk like man, never was a quitter, she’s a juvenile
scam, tasted like a raindrop, she’s got the look…na
na na na, when everything I ever do I do for you-”

(Those are just some of the words to the song "The

Look". I don’t know the rest.)

Anyway I guess I feel a little better. I guess I’ll live.

Last year I used to say “I’ve lived almost 13 years. I

can live another day”...

Now I’ll say “I have lived almost 14 years. I can live

another day”… Okay? Guess so-

299
↑Happy ↑Sad ↑ Sick ↑ False

↑ Embarrassed ↑ Evil ↑ Snobby

↑ Silly ↑ How I feel ↑ How I feel

Wed. May 3, 1989

10:01 p.m.
Love is something I can look back to. Something like
ice-skating at Iceland, beside Joshua, the first person
who ever said they liked me.

And perhaps that sad day in June when I graduated

from 6th grade. I was going with Noah, then, and I

300
knew love.

Maybe dare I say I loved Sean and Justin back in 7th

grade. But after I kissed anyone I haven’t loved
anyone, in a way.

Today was boring, in a pleasant sort of way… I just

don’t know.

gotta go (I'll write more later)

Esther

(later)
I have been thinking about a lot of memories lately.

A lot of memories from when I was in the 3rd and 4th

grade, for some reason that time keeps coming back
to me.

I was thinking back to the 3rd grade when I was nine,

and how I had a really weird dream that I have always
thought about sometimes since then.

The dream was about these space aliens that came

down through the ceiling and took me out of my body
and took me through the roof up into the sky to
another planet.

301
They took me through water like an ocean and then
took me out of the water. I was still wet for a minute.

But then they put me in an orchestra pit with a bunch

of kids from all over the universe, and we were all
playing a symphony with these funny looking musical
instruments.

We played all night (for the alien type people) until

they put me back through the water on their planet
and back through the ceiling into my body, and told
me I would think it was all a dream.

It was almost like those “choose your own adventure”

books, because it felt like I was choosing it too, but it
seemed like a real dream.

(Later)

(late night)
Hi, I can't sleep, and I tried to put on the radio to listen
to classical music to soothe my nerves and help me
sleep. That usually helps, but tonight it didn't work,
so I turned it off. And I turned on my light next to my
bed and I'm just going to finish writing what I was
writing before.

I was thinking about when I was nine, in the third

grade. Besides the dream with the space aliens it was
the worst year of my life. That was the year my
parents got divorced and I was molested by a boy (a
teenager) who lived down the street.

302
I told my friend in school about it, and she told her
mom and her mom worked at our school, so they
called my mom and told her, and my mom called the
police.

I was going to have to testify in court against him and

be a “witness” and I didn't want to do that.

But then he confessed and he went to Juvenile hall

and I didn't have to go to court.

My mom told me that he thanked her when the police

came to take him away, because his father always
hurt him.

There was also some other bad stuff that happened

that year, maybe writing it all down will help me sleep.

That was the year that I found out that people die.
And it made me really sad. I didn't want to think about
it, but I did. I thought about it all the time.

I worried all the time about people dying, my parents

and myself too. I also read “The Diary of a Young
Girl” by Anne Frank for the first time when I was nine.

After my parents got divorced my mom worked at the

library and I would go there after school with her and
stay until closing at 9:00 pm. I read a lot of kind of
grown-up books, and “The Diary of a Young Girl” was
one, even though it was in the young adult section.

And then I found out Anne Frank died when she was
only 15, and it made me think I was going to die when

303
I was still a kid for some reason.

I knew there had been a war called World War Two

and that was how she died. Somebody told me about
the holocaust and how she died in the concentration
camps. I didn't really understand it. I was even scared
of going camping after that, I had to go camping
sometimes, but it felt awful.

I was scared of the whole time period, after I saw this

horrible photograph in Time Magazine, a picture of
piles of dead people in dumpsters, it like I was
haunted for a while after that, when I was nine.

And the same year, when I was nine, my grandma

Langley wanted me to go with her on a trip to visit
Europe, but I was afraid to fly in a plane over the
water.

I had flown a lot over land, that didn't scare me, just
flying over the water.

So my mom took me to a psychic reader named

Peggy Pringle, and the psychic said that I had lived
during World War Two and I had been a girl that was
riding in a plane and we got shot down.

It didn't really help me feel any better about flying

over water. I didn't end up going to Europe with my
grandma.

I was really scared of war too, that year, the year I

was nine and found out that people can die.

304
Back then all the adults talked about war, they talked
about Russia and America and the fear of nuclear
war. I guess people don't talk about that any more,
I'm glad.

But back then they said there was a man with his
"finger on the button", and all he had to do was spill
his Coke or something and he could blow up the
world ten times over. I would lay in bed every night
thinking about that and how scary it was. I would talk
to God about it, hoping that the world stayed safe,
those are some of the times I would talk to God.

Another thing that happened was that I was with my

little brother Ben and we were walking across the
street from the park; actually Ben was riding his
tricycle, and I was walking with some other kids.

Out of nowhere a car came down the street really

fast! I yelled, “Benjamin!” and Ben looked up at the
car and got off his trike and pointed at the car, it all
happened so fast.

I should have run and grabbed him, but I didn't have

time. The car hit him and he went flying! I felt so
horrible like it was my fault.

But he was ok! He broke some bones, but he was

ok!

He has always had luck, because he had a lot of

accidents, like when he was only a baby crawling, he
pulled a tea pot of hot tea on himself and had bad
burns.

305
 And then when he was old enough to walk he fell off
the balcony and landed in a small puddle of
rainwater, the doctor said the puddle saved his life.

I was just thinking, maybe my little brother Ben has

spirits or maybe even angels watching out for him.

But anyway, the third grade, was a really hard year, it

was also the year my parents got divorced.

Right after that same year, my mom had this scary

boyfriend for a while. His name was Edmond. He was
in some kind weird cult, Rajneesh or something,
maybe not that, I'm not sure; anyway, he was really
mean.

Edmond threw me against the wall once. At first it

seemed like my mom didn't see how mean he was,
only I did, but then she tried to break up with him and
he wouldn't let her. She said she was scared of him
and that he had a gun.

Then my mom had to run from Edmond, because he

raped her at gunpoint, and at first I thought my
parents were going to get back together, but then she
moved to Portland.

And then, I was given the choice to live with either

parent (I told you about this part before).

Anyway, around the time I turned ten my dad helped

me use the I Ching to decide, and I decided to stay
here in Berkeley with him.

306
But the year when I was nine, It was the worst year I
ever had in my entire life.

The only good thing about that year, (besides that

dream I had with the space aliens), was that there
was a kid on our block who's dad had this - like flying
metal disc that would float above the ground - like a
few feet up, it went pretty fast.

I think he said it was a “hover craft” or something.

Anyway, his dad drove on the “hover craft” down the
block once, to show it to us. I've never seen anything
like that. Not before and not after.

It's like Kindergarten

wonderful childish beauty

the mind saying the colors it sends

and us building our brilliance

each minute

(later)
It's weird, I turned off my light and tried to sleep
again, but I just can't sleep. So I guess I'll write some
more. I think I might have already written some of this
part, but I don't know.

Anyway, so I've been living just with my dad since

then, (since I was nine) but he told me at the

307
beginning that I had to do well in school, and to not
expect much from him. That was the deal. So I've
been here with my dad ever since.

Except for two summers. I've told you about that. My

dad was going to Brazil to study capoeira for two
summers, so I was away too.

The first summer I went to my aunt's in Southern

California and got my soul saved by Billy Graham (I
told you about that.)

And the second summer I went on The Trip around

the USA with my mom, (I told you about that too).

But something happened right after I got back from

The Trip, and I always think about it, but I never wrote
it down.

It was the time that I was already back in Berkeley,

but school hadn't started yet, but I was about to start
the 6th grade. I had a friend from the 5th grade named
Ishawna, she was the best friend that I made (at the
end of the 5th grade when I made some friends, I told
you about that.).

Anyway, I was really looking forward to seeing

Ishawna again when I was on The Trip, I even mailed
her postcards.

Anyway, Ishawna lived with her grandmother, and I

had never been to her house, but that time when I got
back to Berkeley, and I went to visit Ishawna at her
gandmother's apartment, her grandmother and her

308
were fighting and her grandmother started to beat her
up!

I was scared and never had seen a grown-up beat up

a kid before.

I mean, I've been spanked by dad, and I hate that, but

it was not the same as what Ishawna's grandmother
was doing to her, beating her up.

And I guess along time ago Kanti told me her mom hit
her before and she had bruises on her back from it,
and I was kind of scared of Kanti’s mom after that.

And it was scary when Ishawna's grandmother got

mad, I didn't know what could happen. I don't think
Ishawna did either.

Ishawna and I both hid in her closet for a while, then I

decided to leave, even though I didn't call my dad.

I didn't know exactly where I was, because I was over

in south Berkeley where Ishawna lived.

So for some reason, I just lay down in the middle of

the street, and all these grown-ups came up to me
and asked me if I could get up.

I said, “no” that I couldn't get up. It felt like I was

glued to the street.

I don't know why, I just couldn't get up.

Somebody called a fire truck and they came and

helped me get up. Then a policeman in a police car

309
drove me home.

I never told anybody about Ishawna's grandmother

beating her up and how it made me feel.

But now that I think about it, it wasn't just seeing

Ishawna's grandmother beat her up that made me lay
down in the street like that.

It was everything. It was that, but it was also more. It

was having been on The Trip all summer with no
place to live.

I was so much looking forward to coming home to

Berkeley and was really happy to come back.

But the first thing that happened when I got home

was seeing Ishawna get beat up by her grandmother.

I think that was why I laid down in the middle of the

street that day, and felt like I couldn't get up.

Anyway, after that, summer was over and I started

the 6th grade. It's weird how now that I'm in the 8th
grade, it seems like I was really young back then.

And I don't know why, but I keep thinking about that

time, even though it was a long time ago.

Anyway, I'm really really tired now. And I have really

bad writers-cramp. I think I'll be able to finally sleep
now. I'm going to turn off my light and go to sleep.

Goodnight.

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Love, Esther

Thursday May 4, 1989

Now the song “Patience” is on, it’s a good song,
(when I don’t remember the video), but very sad.

There is nothing I have at this moment, it seems as if

I am one step behind and one before but not in the
middle.

Yet I feel uncertain, unsettled and middle everything.

Today was another semi pleasant day or so to speak

kind of bland and boring. Nothing. Floating among
endless Cornflakes in a sea of nonfat milk…

ha ha, I almost laughed.

I need something to trigger my emotions.

I have even (I know it’s terrible) taken to thinking

about people that I love dying (myself also) so that I
can have some kind of real emotion and feelings.

I know it's bad to think that way, but I can't help it

sometimes. I don't know why.

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I haven't even known many people that have died.

I guess only one. My friend (adult) that died was my

neighbor named Richard. He was the nicest adult I
ever knew.

Me and Gwendolyn met him when we were spying on

him.

Richard used to have these parties out in his yard.

With a man dressed like a lady that would sing and
perform and other cool people.

He saw us spying on him and invited us to his party,

he asked me to invite my dad, so I did and my dad
went over there too and brought some wine.

So then after that, Richard got to know me and

Gwendolyn.

We would always walk around the neighborhood,

door to door looking for jobs, raking leaves, picking
snails for a penny a piece, and shining shoes.

Richard paid us the best for our work raking his

leaves. He even gave us Christmas presents. He
gave me a set of brass ducks that I still have.

Anyway, after a while he told us that he was sick and

needed to find a new home for his cat, because he
had a sickness that made him share germs with cats.
His cat was a girl, a calico.

Anyway after that Richard got a dog, a puppy named

Ashby. Richard would pay Gwendolyn and me to walk

312
Ashby on the weekends. Richard didn't seem sick at
first.

But then I came by to say hi and he answered the

door and Richard seemed really sick and was skinny
with these dark bruises all over him. He told us he
was sick.

And then the next time I stopped by and knocked on

his door a lady answered his door and told me that
Richard had died.

He was just gone.

And, still, every time I walk by his house, I feel sad.

He was the nicest adult friend I ever had.

And I still miss him.

The only kid I know that died was a boy named

Michael.

He and his brother were both Macrobiotic kids with

us. Their parents were my parents friends, and they
lived in Berkeley or some place close.

We used to go over there a lot, they had a trap door

in the kitchen floor, and it lead to a ladder down to the
basement.

So, I guess one time Michael was down in his furnace

room playing, and he got a really bad burn and I
guess he died.

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My dad gave his blood to Michael when the doctors
were trying to save him, because they both have this
rare “blood type”.

Still, Michael did not live. He died. And we were never

allowed to play in our own furnace room again. (We
used to play there all the time before.)

That boy Michael’s dying was sad, but I was pretty

young when that happened.

And actually my grandma (on my dad's side) died too.

She died when I was seven. I loved her. It was like
she was my favorite person in the world.

I still remember her very well. I rode an Elephant with

her when I was five at Marine World Africa USA. I
remember lots of things.

I don't know how she died. I think that she died in the
hospital and that something happened, that they
made a mistake or something. I miss her too.
Everything was better before she died.

My grandpa on my mom's side died too, but I was a

baby when I met him, and I don't remember him very
much.

Thinking about death reminds me also of when I was

in the 6th grade, in Ms. Kole's, and we read “The
Outsiders” and how sad I was when Jonny dies and
tells Pony Boy to “Stay Gold”.

I cried so much at the end of that book, so did Ms.

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Kole, and so did the whole class. I guess it was a
tragedy, or something like that, but I was feeling
something.

Maybe that's what I mean, it's just so hard to think or

feel anything right now.

It's hard to think right now. Why can’t I think? I don’t

know. Maybe it’s because I have no one or nothing to
think about.

I don’t like anyone really, and the people I like a little,

I don’t love. And I know they don’t, and most likely will
never, like me.

I need a little adventure in my life.

Not a disaster like a fire or something.

That would suck.

Maybe I don’t have any real friends except for myself.

The people I consider my friends are not around

much these last few days, not at all.

Around my house it’s all the same.

I come home, nobody’s home.

People call for my brother Nathan.

I eat some canned, boxed or frozen food.

I watch TV, when I wish I was watching sunsets.

315
I sit around; then I go to sleep.

Nothing.

And most of it’s my fault.

Anyhow. I don’t know what to do about it.

I tried.

-Esther Cohen

316
Sun. May 7, 1989

9:35 p.m.
Hi, I haven’t written lately because I have been out a
lot.

On Friday Celeste slept over and we went to

Telegraph. We were going to meet Zach, but then we
called him and he said he couldn’t come and meet us.

So we went back. We got home about 9:30pm. We

called Justin but he was acting real weird. At one
point he wasn’t saying anything but every so often he
would sort of groan. I swear to God it sounded like he
was jacking off.

Anyway Celeste and I stayed up until about 3 a.m.

talking and watching music videos

Then the next day we went to her house and on the

way we went to a garage sale. I got a good bulletin
board (which I’ve been looking for) for ten cents.
Good huh? And some other knick-knacks.

Anyway, we went to her house and got some lunch at

Berkeley Natural Grocery.

Then at 4:00p.m. we got in her van with her Dad and

step-Mom and drove with our sleeping bags and
pillows and such and went to Point Reyes to this
Cinco de Mayo party thing at a ranch.

It was really hot in that van. So, when we got there it

317
was really weird. There was a lot of meadows and
cows and Mexicans and oysters. We noticed that
Mexicans guys are really horny. Well, maybe not all
of them, but the guys at this party were.

We mostly sat in the van listening to music or went on

the grass. We also went into this really cool barn with
hay all over and swallows on the roof.

The food was pretty good. Cactus salad, pork, salsa,

tortillas, rice, and then desert was really good. It was
called Mississippi mud cake and was wonderful!

Then this weird (I know I use that word too much)

Mexican-American reggae group came on and
started playing American reggae and Mexican pop
and, what???

We left to go to the van, this time for good except for

the occasional trip to the outhouse. We sat in the van
and listened to music and talked and then we went to
sleep. (Oh yeah when we got there I had like 4 or 5
cups of wine and I was sleepy.) Celeste's Dad and
Stepmom slept in the barn.

Then we woke up this morning about 7:30 and we got

packed up and left. The meadows around and fields
of wildflowers were really pretty. And the small white
churches with steeples and the red schoolhouses
with school bells were simply beautiful.

Then we went out to breakfast. I had a good hearty

country breakfast. Then we went to the Point Reyes
Nature Center or something like that. And that was

318
really weird because I had been there twice before-

Once, when I was really little like five or seven. All I

remember of that, is when we were in that Indian
village and my big brother got cut on one of the Indian
arrows displayed.

And another time I had been there was two years ago
in Camp.

Before everything and during happiness.

I had been walking around the little dark museum at

the nature center there with Noah. (I’ve told you
about him, from the sixth grade, the first boy I ever
went with that I liked.)

Anyway, I remember us sitting down together, and

putting my hand on Noah’s stomach, and feeling it all
nice and round. That was the first time I ever got
close to a boy, it was before we held hands. That
memory is still in my brain, it seems like we were still
like children then.

Anyway, me and Celeste went out and sat in the

grass and the wildflowers and drank “Koalas.” (Her
Dad and step-Mom had gone on a hike.) Anyway
then we left in about 3 hours. Then we went to lunch.
Then we went home.

Got back to Berkeley about 4:00 p.m. I walked home,

Celeste came with me. Then we went to Bill’s Drugs
with Gwendolyn. I got some aloe spray and some
gum, a notebook and a coloring book. We came back

319
and Gwendolyn left. Celeste stayed for a while. We
called Justin and Zach They were both acting weird
and horny. I talked to Zach (after Celeste left) for a
while.

Then I just dazed and vegetated (TV) until now. I’m

tired, but I am really glad that I had a good weekend.

Knock on wood (I just did now)

Wed. May 10, 1989

“Buffalo Stance”

(10 p.m.) Haven’t written for three days ’cause I’ve

been real tired before I go to bed. But now I’ll tell you.

Monday- To tell you the truth for some reason I don’t

really remember what happened. At least the details.
I know I went to school and I had a pretty good, up
day. That’s about it.

320
Tuesday- If life is a game then Tuesday was definitely
the game show. It was the second annual Student
Appreciation Day. It’s this day when we don’t go to
class we just pick activities and then we go to the
dance.

Last year’s was nothing compared to this year. First,

we went to 5th period first. I’m glad ’cause Celeste
and Christine are in that class. Then we got these
King t-shirts. Most people put them on. We’re
supposed to wear blue or white, the school colors,
and most everyone was.

Then we went to assembly. B.H.S (Berkeley High

School) people were there. First the Jazz Band,
which was pretty good. Then the chorus who sang
the first ever “We Are the World” rap (with the help of
our school student body).

It started out singing, then people started singing

along. Then they started clapping and stomping their
feet chanting “Hoe-o” So it went rap-like and was
funny.

The cheerleaders come on and taught us cheers.

Then we had a rally against the 7th graders and the
8th graders, it was fun.

Then I went to my activity. It was a movie called

“Child’s Play” a horror movie that was hella good.
Then I decided who I kind of like - Andy, I mean I
don’t know, he seems safe.

Then there was a semi bunk dance. I can’t do many

321
dances very well. I mean I can’t do the Kid n’ Play at
all, or The Butt. But I can do The Freak okay.

But I don’t dance at school dances. I would, but no

one asked me. So I watched. It was okay, kinda
boring. Then I went home. It was a good game show
like day.

Today school went good. I forged a note so I can get

out of school earlier because I thought I would need
time to get to Maybeck for the placement test.

So I left at 2:10. And when I got downtown I called

Maybeck from the payphone and they said the test
was at 3:45. So I went up to Telegraph and looked in
Headlines and the poster shop.

Then I went in and took the test. I think I did pretty

good. Then I went home. I talked with my sister
Carmen on the phone, she’s getting ready to move
back down here! Then I talked on the phone with
Celeste and sometimes Zach until now. - Esther

322
Saturday May 13, 1989
Haven’t written since Wednesday, but the rest of the
week went by very quickly thank God.

Last night I slept over at Celeste’s house; she invited

Zach over at 9 p.m. We planned to watch “Blue
Velvet,” this really weird perverted movie about sex,
drugs, and blue velvet.

But when he got there we got drunk. We drank some

peppermint schnapps that Celeste had in her kitchen.
Celeste kept saying ‘hey man”. Zach kept saying “I’m
fucking drunk”. I wasn’t saying much.

We were watching Blue Velvet in Celeste’s parents

room. Celeste’s brother came by to pick up
something.

Zach had to pretend he was my boyfriend. He

cuddled up to me and said “now we have to make
out, right?”. Then Celeste came back in the room.

Oh yeah, before, right when Zach came in, he started

playing the piano. I don’t know, watching his fingers
rippling across the keys touched me.

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Anyway Celeste came back in and then he started
hanging on her. Then we turned off the movie. Then
me and Celeste lay down on the bed and Zach lay in
the middle and put his arm around us. Then he was
kissing Celeste kinda (not French).

Then the phone rang. Celeste went to get it.

Then Zach and I started kissing and making out.

When Celeste came back in we were passionately
making out, so she slept on the floor.

We were just making out (I made sure though,

nothing below the waist. Although he seemed like he
wanted to do something like that). But later I let him
feel my ass (don’t know why he wanted to).

He took off his shirt and unbuttoned mine. He held

me close and kissed my chest and my neck and of
course my lips.

It was all very sensual. And him holding my head or

hugging me tight. Or exploring what I would allow him
to. And our legs entwined in each other.

We did this for about an hour then the phone rang. It

was his Dad. He had 20 minutes. So he came and
told me.

Then Zach was like “shit, I was supposed to make out

with Celeste tonight.”

So we made out more, for like 10 minutes.

Then he collapsed on the floor and was mumbling.

324
Then he got his shirt back on, and his coat and
shoes.

I also saw that his belt was unbuckled and his zipper
undone. Maybe he had some sort of thought that
didn’t work out.

He left mumbling about something or other.

We were still drunk after he left. Celeste and I did the

dishes.

She kept saying “hey man”. Then we watch some

more of “Blue Velvet”. We got really caught up in that
movie, then her parents came home so we had to
turn it off and go to sleep.

Celeste is now in Cazadero camping for the rest of

the week.

And I’m here at home. Sarah (I told you about her,

she is Cindy's daughter) and her cousin are here. I’m
going to stay in Cindy’s sister’s place again tonight
while the “adults” go out.

The only person there my age will be Paul (Sarah’s

cousin) but he’s kind of unappealing

anyway I gotta Jam

Esther

325
Sunday May 14, 1989

10:30pm
Hello,

Yesterday right before I went to Alameda (to Cindy's

sister's house), I met Adam, a friend of Celeste’s.
Celeste and I had talked to him on three-way a lot,
and on Thursday Adam and I talked for a few hours
by ourselves. He seems very nice.

Anyway, I met him and he was kinda cute. Not

beautiful like Blake, Zach or Justin. Not fine like
Caleb, just cute, like Noah. Maybe that's why I
thought he was cute and Celeste doesn't.

Anyway, then I went to Alameda, it was really boring.

I talked to Adam for about an hour, but then I watched

T.V and went to sleep.

Then today I was very depressed because it's

Mother's Day and I missed my mother, not only her,
but the way things used to be...anyway I went out to
brunch with Cindy and her kids and then home. I went

326
shopping for food with Sarah, and then I came home.

Stayed here for a while, I ate Chinese food for dinner,

and then I went out and met Adam down at Bott’s. It
was closed. Then we went down to Jefferson and
went on the roof...it was weird. I was leaning against
him. At first I thought maybe we were going to kiss.

I didn't really want to, because all I know is that it

ruins things...anyway, we were up there, and then
these policemen came up, and told us we could be
arrested and scared the shit out of us.

They looked into our eyes, and took our numbers and
addresses and names. I was never so glad to leave
Jefferson, and that will be the last time I go on that
roof of memories, and of my childhood.

Anyway, Adam and I were walking, and sometimes

he put his arm around my shoulder, then we hugged
goodbye. It was all very weird.

I watched some TV, talked to Celeste and Adam (at

different times). I just got off the phone with Adam.

I think he's either mad at me, or thinks I'm mad at

him.

Either way, life goes on.

Esther

327
Monday, May 15th, 1989

8:30 p.m.
I’m not in bed or anything I just thought I’d write.

Today I felt really kind of bad. And nothing. And the

old “no hope” bit that I have.

Then I called Blake and he said,“What’s up with you

and Zach?” I found out that Zach told him, and I’m
glad that he cared enough to tell Blake.

I talked to Blake for less than a minute and just what

he said and the sound of his voice made me
completely happy.

And I know that love is not something that can go

away. I've loved him since the fourth grade, when I
saw his back for the first time.

I do love him.

Esther

Tues. May 16, 1989

10:00pm (about)
I feel empty, that’s all. Nothing exciting seems to be
coming up.

328
I was thinking summer won’t be all that great after all.
If nothing happens.

Anyway I’ll just wait and see and hope for the best.

-You know who!!!!!!!!

(same night)

10:30 p.m.
I know it’s really stupid but I’m sad because no one
wants to talk to me. I don’t know?

Today sucked in school - I saw Marvin Mack after

school, (I’ve told you about him), and he was wearing
my jacket! It was obviously my jacket, it didn’t even fit
him, the sleeves ended at his elbows, it was so small.

I knew it was mine because, firstly, it was the exact

same jacket, black jean jacket with brown leather

329
collar, my Dad got it for me, for Christmas.

And secondly, I knew it was mine, because once,

when I was working on the school play, I backed up
against a wet painted set it got some brown paint on
the shoulder and that patch of brown paint was still
there on the shoulder.

Marvin must have taken it from me when I wasn’t

looking - maybe I dropped it somewhere and he
picked it up, but I don’t think so.

It was really upsetting! He wouldn’t give me my jacket

back! It got me so mad, I was trying to get it back and
he was just pushing me down like he was stepping on
an ant - I don’t know why, and I know I shouldn’t
have, but I bit him! It's not like I bit him so hard that he
bled or anything, (I don't think), but I know I shouldn't
have done it, but even then, he still wouldn’t give me
my jacket back!

Mon. 22nd, May 22, 1989

12:00 noon
4th Period

I haven’t written for a week or so. Nothing has

happened and nothing will. I’m really bored and kind
of pissed off. Ok? -Esther

330
(same day) after school - detention
The reason I have the detention is because Mrs.
Mendall (the hoe) gave it to me because she was out
of control -

This is what happened - I had my Beatles illustrated

lyrics book out on my desk today in Drama. It is a rare
book and it cost me sixty dollars, but I really wanted it
so I bought it when I was at a book fair with my dad.

I know you aren’t supposed to read in class, but I

wasn’t reading it, I just had it on my desk.

Mrs. Mendall started yelling at me about not having

the book out and I was putting it away when she
grabbed it from me and she tore the dust jacket!

I stood up and tried to grab the book back from her,

telling her it was a rare book and that she had ripped
it; then she actually hit me! Slapped me in the face! I
sat back down.

I know that teachers are not supposed to hit students

so I reported her to the office for hitting me (doubtful
they will do anything) - but she gave me a whole

331
week of detention to cover up for what she did! And
I've never had detention before in my life.

I feel bad because I’m on the rag again, and the trip is
coming up to the dunes. Fuck and I just feel like shit.
My birthday is next Saturday and no one seems to
care, and let me see, what else can I bitch about?

I have a zit which is about the size of Montana on my

cheek right below my eye. And my eyes hurt.

And Zach still isn’t talking to me.

I have to go to that dumb family shrink tonight.

And I washed all my clothes and the dryer isn’t

working so they are all wet. And it’s only…

Wed. May 24, 1989

'just here in detention thinking about how fucked up
this school system is. And the stubbies and white
stubbies that overrule the school.

And about the different groups at the school. And the

teachers who try and the teachers who mess up.

332
And the air-headed trendies and the smart ones also.

And the boys who clutch their baseball hats as

though they were pet kittens. And all the other dull
colorless and empty fools in this school.

And I come to the thought why?

Why don’t these people have peace within

themselves and stop selling crack and start living
normal and prepare for the upcoming hardships in
their lives.

Hopefully all the stubbies will die or see their negative

points and hopefully become better people.

I see it this way, either the world and these kids

shape up fast- or the future will be as fucked up as
this school…

333
Fri. May 26, 1989
I’m in the airplane now; my birthday is tomorrow.

I was thinking of my sweeties- Adam, Mark and

Justin.

Adam, I told you about him, he is Celeste's friend, but

we've been talking on the phone a lot.

Mark, he got out of that mental ward place (Oak

Grove). We had been talking on the phone almost
every day that he was locked up. Mark's a good friend
now. I'm not sure, he might still be in love with me. He
knows I don't feel the same, and he is ok with that.

And Justin, he fell off his bike yesterday and broke his
nose and cut himself badly. Poor Justy. For a while
we weren't talking much, but then we started talking a
lot again. And for that I' am glad.

I just don’t know, the week went by slowly because I

have a cold sore. Yuck!!!

I got some new shoes they are black patent crocodile.

Cool, I guess...

Also- I found out something about that girl Sunny,

from my school - Well, Peter told me, that Zenia told
him, that Sunny’s Mother got killed or something like

334
that.

That seems like a really a terrible thing. I have not

seen Sunny at school much lately; also, I don’t really
talk to her anymore.

Peter told me that Sunny told Zenia- the same thing

that she told me - (about her parents being in a cult,
and being locked in the basement, not allowed
upstairs except for rituals.)

Anyway, Sunny told that to Zenia and Zenia told her

dad, and Zenia’s dad called the police or something,
and the police came to Sunny’s house, and then they
brought Sunny to a foster home, or something like
that-

Then after that, I guess, was when someone killed

Sunny’s Mother. Nobody knows anything besides
that.

I feel bad for Sunny and I feel bad about it for myself
too, I knew that she needed a friend and I wasn’t
really her friend. But I'm glad Zenia helped Sunny. It’s
still just really sad.

Also, they messed up my ticket and gave me a first

class ticket by mistake. I was the only one who had it,
but the stewardess said I could give it to anyone in
my family.

So my little brother Ben, who, after flying down from

my Mom’s in Portland, met up with us in the airport
before the flight, was begging me for it, he said "I've

335
never been in first class before." (He just turned ten,
and I've never been in first class either, and I'm about
to turn 14). Anyway, he was saying it in such a cute
way that couldn't help but give him the ticket.

So now he is up there eating an ice cream sunday.

And we are all sitting back here. It's not really too
bad, but it's not like up there.

I saw like five stewardesses fussing over him; I'd

never seen him look so happy. I can only hope it will
be good karma on my part. Ok, I should just relax
now and enjoy the flight.

Esther

(same day)

11:30 p.m. (Chicago time)

Hi, We got here about 4:00pm. Then we went out for
pizza. It was good.

Then I got some stuff for my cold sore. I have this

cold sore (I’ve had all week) - it’s really working well.

Tomorrow it’s my birthday. I’m not excited, at all.

I guess as you grow older you stop being excited by

birthdays and Christmas and such. Only the presents.

Maybe growing older is why, these days I feel like I’m

almost loosing touch with feelings.

And now, I don’t know, I guess I don’t feel as strongly

336
about much anymore, I guess I’m just really glad that
13 is over.

They say the worst is over. I guess it’s over with and
I’m finally adjusting. I guess I will kinda miss being 13.

That’s all, Esther

Sat, 27th May 1989

10:35 p.m. (Chicago time) /11:35 p.m.

(Michigan time)
Anyway, that’s where I am: Michigan. In this beautiful
modern beach house of my Grandpa’s.

Today was my birthday. I got a stereo that I haven’t

looked at yet.

Then we drove on down here, the other side of the

lake. I went to the dunes - I turned into a sloppy sand
monster and felt like shit.

Then we went and ate.

Then my sister Carmen and I went on a walk. We

saw these boys driving in a red convertible, they
stopped and asked if we needed a ride. We said,
"no".

When we came back we played Monopoly with my

little brother Ben and Grandpa. Carmen won.

337
Then I am here in bed with all these weird small
statues of people with spears and masks on the table
next to me.

I feel really weird and grown up in a way.

Don’t know. Not at all…I wonder if Zach will ever like

me? I wonder if I care?

I wonder if I will ever see Caleb again?

I just told my sister a freaky story, and it scared me

very much.

← fat woman at the beach

Don’t know. I miss Berzerkley quite a lot. My heart is

beating way too fast. I wish I had a book or something
to read, but I don’t.

I want to like someone that likes me. Don’t you?

Who are you anyway? Part of myself no doubt.

I was thinking of memories, and how I could use

some herbal tea right now.

Why do people write their A’s like this:

338
I only know a few people who do that.

Tomorrow I’m going to my Dad’s high school reunion

picnic. Should be okay.

← table

←What? What is this?

339
Sun. May 28, 1989

11:30 p.m. (time)

Now I feel ethereal, alive, but immortal. I don’t know

why.

Looking at myself in the mirror, just now I saw

something - maybe it was my higher self, myself as
an immortal spirit, or something.

I’m going home tomorrow.

Today I went with my Father to his class reunion

picnic. It was fun. I’m glad. I feel I understand my
Father more now.

a lot more than I did yesterday- and tomorrow,

maybe.

340
I saw a movie tonight “Indiana Jones and the Last
Crusade” it was good.

Oh no I have dark circles under my eyes. I need to

sleep. Goodnight. -Esther

Tue, 30th May 1989

10:00 p.m. (home time)

Yesterday wasn’t all that fun.

Today was restful.

I feel better.

I’m having a -b-day party on Friday.

Cool, I guess.

I have been really taking a trip down “memory lane”

lately, thinking of memories.

I've just been thinking back to when I was really

young and it seems like in some ways it was so long
ago and other ways, it wasn't that long ago.

I keep remembering things that I haven't remembered

for a long time. It's almost like “my life flashing before
my eyes”. I just keep seeing all these old memories.

Like that time when I was seven and I got bit on my

face from this big white husky dog. And there was just
this big hole, but it didn't hurt.

341
And I was thinking of other memories from a long
time ago, like the first time I ever went to a slumber
party and it was at Chloe's (I told you we used to be
best friends in the 1st and 2nd grade.)

But anyway, I went to her slumber party, and I had a

horrible time, they did this thing called a S.L.A.M book
where everybody passes it around and writes stuff
about the other people, and it seemed like everybody
wrote mean stuff about me. I was like eight.

Also there was this serial killer on the loose called

“The Night Stalker” and for some reason we were all
sleeping outside in Chloe's back yard.

But it was really scary because we knew he was out

there. I really didn't want to be there sleeping in her
yard. It was the worst party I ever went to. It's still a
scary memory and I don't know why I keep thinking
about this stuff.

I remember that was the year I almost missed

Halloween, for some reason, I don't remember why,
something to do with my parents separating. But I
wasn't going to be able to go trick-or-treating,
because I hadn't gotten a costume in time. But I
decided that I would go “dressed up” as a school kid.
And I wore my Jefferson School tee shirt and carried
my lunch box. That was kind of funny, looking back.

Another funny memory, well not really funny, but

embarrassing, was at the end of the 5th grade. I told
about that time, I was ten and I had just started to put

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together love charms and that is when Blake started
to notice I'm alive.

And once I called him and we talked on the phone

and Blake asked me to meet him for lunch the next
day.

I was really looking forward to meeting him, so I wore

my favorite pants from the 4th grade, they had these
purple fold down pockets, that's why I liked them so
much.

But I guess I hadn't tried them on for a while, because

the next day at school, my pants split all the way
down the back!

I was so embarrassed. I had to tie my jacket around

my waist all day so I wouldn't show my underwear.

I didn't meet up with Blake for lunch. That was a weird

day! Looking back it's almost funny now. Even though
I still remember the feeling wasn't a good one.

Maybe that’s part of the “law of return” (from doing

the love charm) like a joke from the spirits.

I just remembered another thing. A joke I made up in

kindergarten:

“How do you draw a line on the ocean?

“With an ocean liner!”

Ha! Ha! Very funny.

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I'm not sure why I keep having all these memories,
but I should go to sleep.

Goodnight

Esther

Thurs. June 6, 1989

3:45 p.m.
Actually, it’s later than 3:45, it's about 4:00.

I haven’t written for a while. My party was not fun.

Parts of it were Ok.

Adam came over on Sunday, (I told you about him,

and when we went up on the roof of Jefferson and the
police came up there and told us to get down – He's
Celeste's friend.) Anyway, we kind of scammed ( a
scam means to make-out with somebody without it
meaning anything) it was a weird experience

Then that night I found out he doesn’t like me and

he’s feeling guilty. I don’t really know what’s going on
with him. I do care whatever’s happening though.

I’ve been feeling upset and extremely insecure inside

lately.

The only person who really understands my need to

be a child, or better yet a baby is Celeste, and she’s
leaving for Africa in about 15 days… for a year-and-a-

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half.

I miss my Mother singing “You Are My Sunshine” to

me, and how sad “Please don’t take my sunshine
away”.

Maybe life would be better if I was a baby again, who

knows. But then I would have to grow up. But I don’t
want to grow up. I want to go to Never - Never Land.

I remember thinking I would never grow up.

I know when I’m older. I’ll look back and say how
stupid this phase is. And I might laugh. But now all I
want is the security of a warm blanket and my
Mother’s heartbeat close.

Yesterday I was walking through Walnut Square, and

I saw this tiny little shop and I went in and I spent half
of the rest of my birthday money and bought myself a
really special cute little baby doll.

It is like a French brand name or something “Corolle”

and it cost 43 dollars, but it was worth it.

Then today I went to Mr. Mopp’s (an old fashioned

toy store,) and I saw a Mother walk into the doors
with her son and say,

“This is an old fashioned toy store, the kind your

Father and I used to go to, with all kinds of wonderful
things and everything interesting. You can pick out
anything you would like…”

I bought for myself, a white plush dragon (that plays

345
“Puff the Magic Dragon” when you wind it.) It has
pink wings.

It cost $18 but it’s worth it. So sometimes, life must go

on. Sometimes, no, it can all stay the same.

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 PART III

16 THE LEAPS

Mon. June 12, 1989

4:00 p.m.
Hi,

On Friday night Kanti slept over. On Saturday night I

went with her to a party. It was a stubbie party with
the police.

Later during the party I met a guy named Simon (he

goes to Kanti’s school) and we were siting down and
making out. Then the room got so crowded so we
went outside and made out.

Then you know how if you pop those pink fuchsia

flowers, you can make a wish? So me and Simon
popped them and each made a wish.

Then yesterday I was whining to Kanti about Simon

all day. Then Kanti and I called him, and we told him
my wish, (that he would like me). And then he said he
wished that I would like him.

And then we decided to meet him at King park.

Kanti sat away from us.

347
And we at first sat there holding hands and talking.

And then we were kissing and then we lay on the

grass and kissed.

He had to leave so we kiss goodbye.

Then he started to lay down again, and I didn’t want

him to be late, so I didn’t lay down.

He left.

I have trouble talking to him. I get all nervous and I

babble.

And oh, I don’t know.

Esther

Tues. June 13, 1989

Simon & Esther  looks good huh?

348
Don’t know what all the exclamation points were for.
Who knows…

I, yesterday, went through a confusing time at

school. I was wondering and thinking maybe I didn’t
like Simon. Then I got home and realize I do like him,
a lot!!!!!!!

Almost every minute I wish I was with him.

I feel so strongly about Simon.

We made that wish together that first night we met,

and now I’m thinking that maybe it’s coming true.

Oh, I don’t know.

I’m really pissed because I ran out of Retin-A and my

Dad says he will pick up some more from me from the
pharmacy, but I doubt it. Meanwhile I have to suffer
with zits. Yuck!!!!!

I’m glad schools getting out soon. Just this last week
(finals) and three more days at the end.

Except this Friday we’re going to Great America.

Simon’s school is also going on Friday. I want to see

him there, and maybe go on some rides with him.

349
If I ask him he’ll say yes, but I don’t know how I’m
going to ask him.

“Um, Simon do you want to go on a few rides with me

when we go to Great America?” Duh!! I don’t think so.

I have a better plan: “Simon, I’ve always been scared

to go on roller coasters, you know that, but do you
want to go on The Demon or something on Friday?”
Sounds better.

Takes more guts though, but that’s what I’m going to

use.

I miss his sweet body -maybe- I do know this looks

real good, don’t you think?

Simon & Esther

Simon & Esther
Simon & Esther
Simon & Esther

Forever

“I touch you once

I touch you twice
I Won’t Let Go
at any Price
I need you now, like I needed you then

350
you always said we still be friends”
↑(not that part)

Thurs. June 15, 1989

(about 10:00am)

1st Period. (Really 3rd) Science Final.

You know I finished in 15 minutes and got one of the

highest scores!!!!

Guess who got asked to go with by someone that I

like?

It was so funny because yesterday I was talking to

Simon for hella long.

At night he said, “I feel like going with someone.

Maybe Nancy is available.”

Then I asked him if he liked her and he said no but he

couldn’t think of anyone else.

Then I then I said I could think of someone. And he

said who was it? And I said, “Well she doesn’t go to
your school.” and then I said, “I’m not available”…
continued later, kay?

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(Same day) about 12:00 noon

Second period. (Really 4th) History Final. Finished.

Flunked. (Probably.)

I said I’m not available, ’cause I’m going with a tree

named Timothy (don’t ask). And then he’s totally
confusing me. He says that he hates me, but he
wants to go with someone.

And then he said, “Flip a coin.” “Okay,” I said, “heads

you like me, tails you don’t.” It was dark. I couldn’t
see but I said, “tails, you hate me, that’s messed up
to go with someone you hate.”

He said, “The coin’s wrong,” so softly and gently I

didn’t even notice what he said at first. Then I was
just as quick and I said “yes”.

Then he said. “Huh? Oh, OK. I’ll go with you.”

Then I was totally confused and he said, “How ’bout

this, I hate your guts, will you go with me?

I said, “Yes.” He said, “What?” over and over again

352
until, he said, “Well, let’s sleep on it, I’m going to get
some brownies...”

↑Happy ↑ Lovesick

↑Embarrassed ↑ Bored

I think because Simon and I both made the same

wish, (when we were standing together the night we
met, and popped those pink fuchsia blossoms to
make a wish), that it must really mean something-

I mean I hope it does.

I’ve never met a boy who even knows about that kind

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of stuff.

Simon is special.

(same day 9:36pm)

Hi!!

Guess what!?

I saw my baby today, but he wasn't acting timid any

more, a little at first, but we were standing in King
Park between these trees and kissing and it was
really cool!!!!!!!!!!!

This time we held each other close, instead of the

loose hug, maybe because we hadn't seen each
other in 4 whole long days, and 5 whole long nights,
anyhow, it was really romantic. I also noticed that he
is also kissing me differently, kind of more open, not

354
as nervous, I hope you know....

Tomorrow I am going to Great America with my

school. I'm going to meet Kanti and her friend Corrie,
and hopefully one of my friends from school.
(‘Cause, of two reasons: the rides only seat two or
four people, and Kanti always thinks that with three
people one person will always get left out.)

I don't know, I guess I'll ask Chloe if she wants to go;

she is the only one I can think of that might not be
going with anyone.

Don't know.

Simon is now at graduation.

Sat. June 17, 1989

I talked to my sister Carmen on the phone today. I’m
really glad she is coming back to live down here
again.

She’ll be here in two weeks!

I missed her a lot when she moved away last year.

Yesterday I went to Great America with my school, I

didn’t meet up with anybody. I just hung out by my
self.

355
My Dad gave me forty dollars to spend, so I just
played those carnival games. I actually won
something, called an “invisible dog”.

It was a stiff plastic leash thing that connected to a

stiff plastic harness thing.

I felt like I was walking that invisible dog all around -

Until I got back to the school buses to leave, and all

these kids starting laughing at me, and then I realized
it was kind of a stupid thing, and I stopped playing
with it.

I left it there. Maybe a younger kid will find it, I hope

so.

Gotta go,

Esther

Tues. June 20, 1989

about 11:30 p.m.

I haven’t written for a long time. Well maybe not that
long but…Tonight I graduated. It was at first just
strange to see all those people so dressed up.

I wasn't as dressed up as a lot of the girls. My dress

wasn't all shiny or anything. I got it from the J.Crew

356
Catalog and it's peach cotton. Cindy tied one of her
scarves around my waist and it looked nice. My dad
and Cindy came to my graduation.

Then, afterwards at the dance (the gym looks really

nice for once), I started to get really depressed, and
was crying.

It didn’t look weird or anything because a lot of girls

were crying. I was sad because I was thinking about
how I’ve grown up with these people and then next
year I won’t see them because I’m going to Maybeck,
not Berkeley High.

Then I was just sort of bored.

Then I said what the fuck, “If I never see any of them
again I might as well dance.” So I started to do The
Butt and I was having a lot of fun. My legs were
getting sore but I kept on dancing.

Until a slow one came on and I wanted to dance so I

asked some people to dance, they said, “No”, so I felt
like shit again. Then a fast one came on and it was
okay.

Then all these slow ones came on and I just asked

people and they said, “No,” so I just sat down. And
then I left at the end.

Celeste’s Dad gave me a ride home. I’m really going

to miss Celeste. She is going to Africa for two years.
I’m sad that we aren’t as close anymore.

357
I gave her the dragon I bought for myself at Mr.
Mopp’s as a going away present. Although I kind of
wanted to keep it, I knew she would like it.

I wanted to dedicate a song to her, so I wrote it down.

I went over to the D.J to request it and all these
people wanted me to put their names on it too - so I
just said “from everyone”.

When they played “Please Don’t Go Girl” by New

Kids on the Block, the song that I wanted to play with
the dedication, a lot of people were crying and
hugging and saying goodbye to Celeste.

It was sad. Even though most of her friends were

never my friends.

I’m going to truly miss everyone.

The person I think I’ll miss quite a lot will be T.J.

I never got to tell him how I feel.

I’m feeling really empty now.

Don’t know. I keep going back and forth with Simon -

we keep deciding to break up and, then we keep
getting back together, we always talk though.

Even though I won’t be going to school there, I still

had to self-schedule at B.H.S today.

I talked to this boy I met…named Justice … a lot…

He’s really fine and nice.

358
Don’t know. It was weird to see everyone from
Willard; people I had also grown up with, and it was
sad.

I just feel like hugging everybody -

It’s like a kind of love that I have never felt before, the
love for all the people I have grown up with.

Even though I’ve had such an emptiness inside lately,

to be able to feel that feeling, (even though it was
sad), was almost like a little touch of melancholy
sparkle inside… or something like that and now I'm
just feeling … something. And I'm glad I can still feel.
Ok, I guess I should go.

359
17 DRY FLOWERS

Sat. June 24th, 1989

5:45 p.m.
The last day of school was pretty fun -

Although I grabbed a rubber mallet on the way out, as

I was walking out through the basement and it was
just sitting there -

I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea, but

more than one person at school told me they were
going to beat me up on the last day, so I think just
pulling the rubber mallet out of my bag once at break
may have kept anybody from messing with me.

Last night (Friday) I saw “Batman” it was “opening

night”. (Mark just got out of the mental hospital a few
weeks ago; I didn’t tell you, or maybe I did, but we
have been talking every night on the phone while he’s
been locked up in Oak Grove).

So Mark got two tickets to Batman opening night, and

he invited me.

On Saturday I went to Kanti’s friend (Rio’s) party –

and that night these two girls from King, Kara and
Laura (they are sisters) slept over.

On Sunday Simon came over. We made out.

360
Then Monday my sister moved all her stuff back
down here. (She’s been in Oregon this past year).

Today my sister and I went out and hung out at

Center and Shattuck for a while.

I’m going to Kanti’s Birthday party on the 5th and a

Howard Jones concert on the 8th.

Speaking of birthdays, today is Blair’s. She’s

fourteen.

Summer’s been okay, ya know,

I should go.

Esther

Wed. June 28, 1989

Today was a strange day.

At first my sister Carmen and I went to Bills Drugs. I

got some Oxy-10 because I have zits again and I
don’t have any more Retin-A.

Then we went to Baskin Robins and got ice cream, I

got daiquiri ice with whipped cream. That’s where we
met Evan. He walked in and said “hi” to us. And
invited us over to the commune where he lives.

We went over there and we all smoked pot, and then

361
me and my sister went home. It was fun.

My big brother told me about Evan; but until today I

had never met him. Evan is cool. He has all these
black rubber bracelets and other jewelry. He goes to
high school, that’s how my brother knows him.

The commune is a cool place.

Ok, I should go

Esther

Sun. July 2, 1989

(about 10 o’clock)
It’s been fucked up since Thursday.

Okay here it goes -

Thursday Simon came over we were making out. (He

362
had asked me to go with him again, and I said yes).

Then I got into some rum and was drunk. And he kept
pleading with me to give him a blow. And (oh my God
I can’t believe I did this) I said ok, if he would put on a
condom.

So I did. I don’t want to even think about it at all!!!

And then the next day (Friday) I told Simon I didn’t

remember anything that happened, but still-

Blech Yuck!! I can’t Believe I did that!!! I don't want to

think about it.

The only other time I ever did anything like that in my

life, was that one time I told you about, (that guy
Steve and his story about “blue balls”) I don't want to
think about that either.

Gross!

But anyway, the rest of Friday was cool…

I went up to the commune on Friday.

When I was leaving, it was really weird, (speaking of

that guy Steve)

Anyway, I ran into Steve out in front. I guess he lives

at the Commune now.

At first he was trying to tell me again how much he

wanted to “walk me home,” I was like, “no way”.

And maybe it was because of what happened with

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Simon the day before -

Not that Simon pressured me, he didn’t, but Simon is

my age, he’s not like Steve, calling me “jail-bait” but
still making me feel like I had to do it because of the
“blue balls.”

So maybe it was what partly happened with Simon,

but I decided to tell Steve, (when he asked to walk
me home) - I told him I didn’t like him.

I felt strong enough to tell him that I didn’t like his blue
balls story either!

(I found out “blue balls” is not real, because

Gwendolyn told me, she learned in Health class at
Berkeley High, that “blue balls” is not real; Steve just
made it up.)

Then, I said to Steve, “My boyfriend doesn’t have

make up stories about ‘blue balls’ to get a blow”.

Ha!

After that, even though I was leaving before, I went

back up and chilled in Evan’s room for about 45 more
minutes. We smoked some hashish.

Then Steve even came upstairs and smoked with us;

I didn’t even care that he was there.

Maybe it’s because I’m 14 now, I feel stronger than I

used to be, plus I felt safe in Evan's room. And I had
just told Steve I didn't like him when we were standing
out front, so he knew.

364
Then on Friday, I went up to Kara and Laura’s house
to spend the night; it was fun. (They are sisters and
went to King with me).

Friday started out ok and it got fun, although when

Kara, Laura and I went down to El Cerrito Plaza, they
shoplifted these bras.

I didn’t, because I didn’t feel safe, at all. I have not

shoplifted without Celeste. (She would never get
caught.) And I told you about how even when I was
with Celeste, I didn't really feel safe stealing anything
myself.

Celeste is gone now, in Africa.

So, Kara and Laura and I were about to leave the

plaza when this lady stopped us and took us to this
little room, and made a file on each of us. Even
though they were the ones who shoplifted. I didn't
steal anything.

Then Kara and Laura told the people that I made

them do it!!!

It kind of freaked me out because their Mom was

screaming at the top of her lungs at me, telling me
how it was all my fault whatever happened.

They weren’t sticking up for me and then their Mom

said I would never see them again and they left.

The people who busted them seemed cool and nice. I

was glad to leave though. Then my Dad came to pick

365
me up.

I found out that Kara and Laura (the girls who got
caught stealing the bras) can’t talk on the phone or go
out until the end of summer when they’re moving. Oh
well, I never really got to know them anyway.

Oh, by the way, Simon’s moving too.

I don’t know if we will stay together when he moves.

Also, I told him I don’t plan to loose my virginity, and
he seemed depressed upon hearing this.

Whatever Simon!

Anyway, I should go,

Goodnight

Wed. July 5, 1989

11:10 (about)
So, let me finish telling you about last weekend -

Saturday daytime was cool. So was the night. It was

all kind of weird though. I went over to Blair’s house
to spend the night.

Like I told you, Blair has been really into her older
boyfriends lately and talks a lot about sex. We have
not been seeing each other as much, plus she’s
friends with Traci, (Traci still hates me), but Blair and I
are still friends.

366
I had some acid, and Blair wanted to do it, so we took
it.

It was the 2nd time I ever took fry, (I told you about the
first time I took L.S.D, that was forever ago, back in
the 7th grade, before anything had happened).

This time it was a different trip. Maybe less fun. Not

that frying was all that “fun” either time, but the 2nd
time was maybe less fun.

Anyway so this is what happened: Blair’s friends, this

guy named Yves, (you know, the French name) and
Perrin, (I told you about him: he is a friend of my
brother’s that my Dad hates - I learned Perrin is also
a friend of Blair’s)…

So they both came over to Blair’s, and we gave Yves

some acid; he chewed it. (You are supposed to let it
absorb in your mouth.)

Then Yves and me were downstairs looking at the

fish tank and talking. Then we started kissing. Then
we all left.

So anyway, we all started walking up towards

Telegraph. At some point Yves would hold my hand
or had his arm around me. At some other point he
would just, like walk by himself, and I would walk with
Blair and Perrin.

So then we got up to the Courtyard of ASCU. And we

went up onto the balcony thing and started kissing for
a few minutes. Then we started walking through

367
campus down near the creek and forest. Then we
went near the water under some trees and made out
for a few minutes.

Then we started walking to Rocky. We got there

around 12 midnight, so I’ll start with Sunday now-

Sunday-

So we just went in Rocky and sat down. Blair had all

these guys drooling over her. So I was just sitting with
Yves watching the movie. Really looking at the acting
and shit. That’s when I decided I’m never going to
Rocky again.

I started sitting on Yves's lap -

Then Traci’s friend, Lucy (this Bi pregnant bitch, I

don’t know her, and have never talked to her), well,
Lucy brought me into the lobby and bitched me out,
because Traci saw me and freaked.

Then afterwards Blair wanted me to go to this party

(which turned out to be some little get together).

So this guy Ralph drove us (Blair, Perrin, Yves, and

me, plus eight more people) over there. Then we sat
in this room for a while.

Then that girl Lucy bitched me out again.

Then we had to leave because Traci was having

some really bad stress problems and flipping out on
me. So we left the “party.”

368
All kinds of people I didn’t want to see were there,
including Caleb, so I was glad to leave.

But Blair wanted to stay in that slummy apartment

building for some reason, and so this fat, old, red-
haired man took us in - into his place with about 15
cats and kittens, and cat shit everywhere.

And he started talking to me; he told me the reason

he took us in (me, Blair, Yves, and the other guys)
was because he, as a kid, was “rejected and rejected”
until he “became a twisted animal inside.”

He was fucking insane.

So we were in the cat shit room. Then we left.

Blair, Perrin, Yves, and me, plus like seven other

people, all went to Denny’s in Emeryville at about 4
a.m.

We ordered shit coffee and stayed there until about

6:30 a.m.

We got back to Blair’s house. We got to sleep around

7:15 a.m. I woke up at 9 a.m. Blair woke up at 4
o’clock p.m.

Blair left her retainer at Denny’s, so her Mom made

her go back and sift through the dumpster. I helped
them. It was sick…. But we didn’t find it.

I realized something while I was digging though the

Denny’s dumpster with Blair and her Mom, looking for
Blair's retainer.

369
I realized that I really love Blair - it’s not that she has
power over me, or that I am a doormat to her, I just
love her.

I don’t think it’s that I’m homo, but I do really care

about Blair. I never really knew how much I loved her
until that moment - I realized that I would never go
sifting though the Denny’s dumpster for very many
people; if I didn’t love her I don't think I would do it -
and I do love her, a lot.

And maybe that makes me a homo, but, really, I don’t

think so. It’s just something I realized - And maybe
it’s more something to with that vision of us I had a
long time ago: the vision of the past life or something,
like the flappers in the roaring 1920’s.

Or something else, I don’t know. But I think it’s ok to

love people.

Wow, I just had this flash, of Blair and I singing and

dancing in like an old 1920’s movie…seems related
to my old vision. Not sure what it is. Anyway, after
that, I went home.

And then, hum…what did I do on the 3rd?…I…

babysat until about 5:30pm or so. Then… I don’t
know? On the 4th (yesterday), I went to a block party
over in Rockridge. It was fun.

My sister and I went with Perrin to a block party at his

friend’s Trent’s house. Trent is a stoner, so we all got
a little bit stoned.

370
Then Perrin had to leave, so then me, and my sister,
and Perrin walked down the street.

And we saw this guy named Ki (my sister knows him

from Arts Magnet).

Ki was with this other guy named Matt. They were

drunk. (It was weird, every so often hearing
explosions from the forth of July). We smoked more
pot, then we went to the park.

I had been to that park before with Blake and Kanti,

so it was weird...

really weird, because at that park was one of the only

times I ever hung out with Blake, outside of seeing
him with my big brother… …

(Because, like I told you, they were best

friends)...or… I saw Blake at Malcolm X, a long, long
time ago in the 5th grade....

But this park that Ki and I and my sister and that guy
Matt went in to smoke pot, it is over in Rockridge. I
don't know what's it called.

But way back in the 6th grade, Kanti and I were just
walking by when we ran into Blake at that same park
(it was also night time). That is the weirdest memory!

371
I remember that when we saw Blake, and we talked
for a while he was acting really funny, he kept asking
me to dance ballet on top of a car; I didn't do it, I
didn't even understand what he meant....

...anyway, so Ki and I were talking, and so were

Carmen and Matt. We Just hung out in that park in
Rockridge for a while, and then we got some take-out
Indian food, but we didn’t eat much.

(same day)

about 11:30 p.m.

372
Now everybody has been fighting. First my Dad and
his girlfriend Cindy. Then my sister and my Dad.
(Cindy left). Then my brother and my Dad.

And I burned the palm of my hand (on my light bulb

again) and I feel like shit.

But I’m going to finish writing about what happened

yesterday. -So, we didn’t eat much of our take-out
food-

Ki and I were talking for a while. Then about 12

midnight I called my Dad, he was mad. He picked us
up, he wasn’t that mad.

(Shit, my brother’s hella pissed off, he’s never pissed

off. Something is going to happen!!)

Anyway, today me and my sister Carmen went to

some lame barbecue for about half an hour. (Four
people were there)

We left. Then, me and my sister went to Lake Anza

with Blair plus these guys that I didn’t know.

373
I just wanted to check, so we walked around the lake
on the trail and looked, but we couldn’t find, the burnt
out 1920’s car anywhere.

(I keep wondering if all that magic that I used to feel

all the time, was just part of being younger, and when
you get older you stop feeling it? I hope not.)

Carmen and I got a ride home with these guys in a

pickup truck.

Then I talked to Ki for hella long tonight. I hella like

him.

(I used to talk to Ki a lot on the phone a long time ago

in the sixth grade, because we both liked The
Beatles, and my sister was going with his brother.
That’s how I met him. Then my sister dumped his
brother, and we never talked after that, until we just
saw him on the fourth of July).

Well, anyway after I talked to Ki, Brad Lord called me;

he wanted me to come to his party (tonight ) -
whatever, Brad! But I might see him tomorrow.

He was acting hella weird. So was Ki, he was stoned.

I told Brad that my Dad and his girlfriend were fighting

and he said, “I just want you to know Esther, I’ll never
treat you that way.”

Weird huh?

Okay! This man-

374
walks into a bar-

and-

he says, “ouch..!!!”

get it?

↑man walks into bar

I guess summer’s been good so far-

-Esther Jester

Thurs. July 6, 1989

10:30 p.m. (about)

Shit (again). My sister’s gone (again.) We don’t know

375
where she is.

I’m worried she might be with Caleb, (they met

yesterday for the first time at Center and Shattuck
and Caleb liked her.)

My Dad’s out looking for her.

I’m scared I don’t know what to do. My Dad just got

home. He is pissed off. Fuck!!!!!

(same night, about a half hour later)

I got a call from my sister and she’s okay. She wasn't
with Caleb, but that rocker guy Dale that I told you
about along time ago.

She called right after I stopped writing above.

Now she called again, my Dad’s not as pissed, but he

is restricting her for a while.

I don’t know! Anyway I miss Ki. He’s away for a week.

The transportation to and from the Howard Jones

concert this Saturday is fucked!

I didn’t do much today except babysit. I decided to

give this girl I babysit for named Ashli, my “Corolle”
doll. I told you about it; I bought it for myself when I
turned 14.

And even though I still love it, I think I'm finally getting
too old for dolls.

376
I watched “The Wizard of Oz” “lions and tigers and
bears oh my”. ‘Oh my fur and whiskers’- I’m going
batty. I’m tired. Goodnight - Esther

Sat. July 8, 1989

Tonight I went to the Howard Jones concert. It was
the first concert (rock) that I have been to. It was cool.
I will write more tomorrow when I’m awake. For sure,
dude. (Just kidding) -Me

377
 (↑remember me?)

Sunday July 9, 1989

10:22pm (and 4 seconds)

Okay let there be ink…

The concert was raw – !!!

It was extremely loud. The electric lights of all colors

were cool, so was the neon black-light. The smoke on
stage with lights going through it looked cool. The
crowd (however you spell it) was great.

Best of all was of course the music, it was the best.

But since Gwendolyn won the tickets we sat up on
the lawn and froze. But most the time we were
standing up.

Near the end of the show Howard Jones had us all

stand up, hold hands and send brain-waves of hope

378
to the students in Beijing. It was cool!!!

I saw T.J. there. I’m really glad T.J. and I are friends
again. Actually we started talking a while ago.

The day before yesterday, my sister and I went to

Lake Anza and met two guys from Albany. One of
them was ugly and whiny but the other one was pretty
cute, they’re both fighting over me (kind of.)

But I’m still hella devoted to Ki. I can’t wait until he

comes home. I also still love Blake. I have forever.
And of course that’s forever, and forever needs time.

Yeah whatever. You’re so weird.

Yes, I am extremely strange, got a problem with it?

My problem is the starving people in Ethiopia.

Well Esther - you talk and write conversations with

yourself, I think you should work on that first.

I have to work on getting Ki to like me, but if he

doesn’t I don’t really mind, ’cause he’s still a really
good friend.

I would love to go to a reggae concert with him

(stoned) would be nice.

Esther, you talk too much!

I know.

Who are you anyway?

379
Who RU?

Same question.

Well. I was born May 27th 1975 at 5:46 p.m. in San

Francisco General Hospital one day after full lunar
eclipse…

when according to my mom ten thousand people

gathered together on Twin Peaks to howl at the
moon.

Okay I get it, you r me!!! No! I’m me- I think the
question is what are you?

No I’m not on drugs. Strange, got a problem with

that?

My problem is the starving people…

Oh dear me!!

380
I wonder why I was just writing down a conversation
to myself? Don’t you?

Me and my new Howard Jones t-shirt:

Key:

■ = black
words = blue

381
 ↑ She’s alive, what do
you think?

-Esther Jester

July 14, 1989

10:45pm

382
Damn this week went by quick! It’s been weird.

Christine thought she might be pregnant so we had to

go to East Oakland to Planned Parenthood and she
got some ‘morning after pills’.

She had to get a full pelvic exam before anything.

Christine lost her virginity on the day before to Toby (I

never expected it, but can you believe that they have
stayed together all year!)

They didn’t use any birth control when they did it, and
she realized that she was possibly pregnant because
of it.

So yesterday she called me and asked me to go with

her to Planned Parenthood.

I haven’t spent any time with Christine outside of

school this entire year. I guess she must just trust me.
But I didn’t mind going over there with her.

I sometimes just feel like one of the last remaining

virgins on the earth. But I don’t want to loose mine
just for the sake of loosing it, I am waiting for the right
time and I hope to be in love.

Love seems to me, like the last remaining shred of

magic left over.

Today Ki came over. We got totally zonked (stoned)

we listened to this meditation tape I have, it helps you
find yourself in a restful space in your mind, and we
kissed. It was fun but weird-I don’t know if I love him,

383
but he is hella fine and nice.

I don’t know, my room is so fucking messy. Before I

go anywhere tomorrow I’m going to clean it. I’ll wake
up early and do it.

Fri. July 21, 1989

around 10 o’clock a.m.

Well I haven't been writing in quite a while, a week to
be exact.

I'm still feeling rather dull and blah. Anyway, the last
week was, well should have been…If I haven’t been
in a non-emotional mood. Quite shocking, in a way.

Saturday- I went over to Ki’s we got slightly stoned

and made out.

Sunday-ditto

Monday- nothing except that the late afternoon Dave

came over, (I'm not sure if I told you about him, Kanti
and I met him on Zygote, 644-2424, the phone party
line). Anyway on Monday Dave and I were in the
living room, playing strange games with our hands.

Tuesday- Dave came over, we started kissing and

then we made out.

Wednesday- ditto, except that night my sister and I

went to the commune and we had everyone believing

384
we were twins, we got a little bit baked.

Wednesday- wait I fucked-up! I don’t think… wait a

minute here… oh well. I think Dave came over and
we made out.

Thursday-nothing except majorly fucked up my toe.

But at the late afternoon Dave came over. Guess
what happened? Duh, we made out.

Last night I called Jesse Marks. (I've told you about

him, he was one of the people that also wore a black
trench coat at King with me in the 8th grade.) I’m glad I
got to talk to him. We haven’t talked since school got
out. He really understands me, a lot.

Esther

(same day about 10:45 pm)

I don’t know. Today Dave came over, we listen to a
lot of depressed music with my sister. (I got the new
tape by The Cure called “Disintegration”).

My sister and I started carving our skin. I have never

done anything like that before.

I only carved a small one inch “Blake” on my ankle. It

looks neat.

I realized that Blake is love. I love him so deeply. I

have loved him forever.

385
Deeper than the sky, and I love him.

I don’t know. Blake’s coming back from Brazil the 5th.

It’s weird because when we were on The Trip, my

dad was in Brazil and we felt like wanderers.

I wrote about The Trip a few times in here, but I don’t

think I wrote how even though we mostly camped in
the tent, or in the car, or stayed with different people I
stayed in a homeless shelter on The Trip too.

But anyway, now I feel like a wanderer, even though

I’m at home almost all the time.

I don’t know. I like Dave a lot and he’s moving to

Arizona at the end of the summer.

But I don’t know. I wish I was just Dave’s friend

because he’s getting really attached- today he carved
his skin too, and he carved “D + E ’89” on his hand.

I feel like Dave should see that I carved “Blake” and

see what that means, but he can’t seem to see it.

Dave says he’s in love with me, and whenever we

make out he never tries to pressure me to go below
the waist. but I just don’t feel the same way about
him, that he feels about me.

I told Dave that, and he cried. I feel bad, but what can
I do?

I don’t know, so yesterday Ki came over and we had

an open conversation about what’s happening.

386
We decided to just be friends, but now he never
wants to talk to me.

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not going to do

more than kiss (not French) with anyone for a month.

But I probably will kiss Dave. Not that it’s wrong or

anything.

I do feel weird in a way that he’s four years older than

I- I don’t know. I really care about him. I don’t want to
hurt him. I don’t want to hurt myself either.

I just wish hurt was never invented.

Then… well I don’t know exactly…

Blake. He is the one I truly love.

I love him. I have since the fourth grade, when I saw

has back. We talked that year, on Martin Luther
King’s birthday. He was my size then, he said he
thought I was sweet.

I remember last year’s summer…

“Blake, I’m dying my hair red” “Blake, I’m turning into

a vampire.” “You are? I love red hair!” “I love
vampires, good.”

This Valentine’s Day… Blake: “Will you be my

Valentine?"…"Bye Valentine.”

Love Blake Forever, Esther

387
Wed. July 26, 1989

(Probably about 2 p.m.)

“Down on Fascination Street!” -The Cure

(I’ve been listening to The Cure a lot)

Well hello my notebook !!! I don’t know! What

happened since last I wrote?

388
Friday- vegetated I believe

Saturday- ditto

Sunday- I went to Manteca water slides it was fun.

Monday- vegetated except for I got a letter from

Celeste, and my stuff from Maybeck. I can’t wait. I
also called Celeste in Africa. She’s okay. I hope the
phone bill won’t be too high.

Tuesday- yesterday Dave came over and even

though we agreed to not make out anymore, we did.

I feel sick about it now. I care about him…but I don’t

love him. I shouldn’t have let it happen…

Now I’m sitting here listening to The Cure and trying

to clean my room.

389
390
I must hold onto the magic of love, it’s like all I have
left now.

Red

When I woke
the sky was red
and I was just sitting there
staring at the light-bulb
and I was just becoming a vegetable
because the sky was red

391
Friday July 28, 1989

11:30 a.m.
Okay yesterday I went to this really cool riot. It was
really strange and violent.

So the riot, it was basically about anarchy, but they

said it was for the homeless.

Anyway.

-Esther

Tues. Aug. 1, 1989

“All the things I detest I will almost like”…

yes I’m listening to “Somebody” (by Depeche Mode)

392
and just thinking….Oh good another song is on, I
don’t have to be depressed.

Anyway what happened since last I wrote? On

Saturday I got a kitten. He’s black with green eyes.
And I named him Troy.

I guess yesterday Dave came over and even though

we said we wouldn’t again, we made out. This really
has to stop!

Anyway I told him that this is the last time I will even
kiss him. I just keep thinking about that day we
carved our skin, and it’s wrong to kiss him, because I
don’t love him, and he loves me.

Kanti is coming home tomorrow. Blake on the 5th.

Zach on the 8th or 9th.

393
“You can come with me if you want to”…

Anyway I gotta go!!!

-Esther Jester

P.S. I finally cleaned my room.

Wed. Aug. 9, 1989

1:25 a.m.
Hey, I’m up. It’s not that late, but I don’t know when
was last I wrote? Hum, seven days.

Does it really matter? These days I don’t know. It

does because a lot of important things happened but I
don’t feel like writing it now.

394
Z

The power of Zorro!!

(Later)

am down in my sister’s room now.

Sarah, her and I took Vivarin caffeine pills. They got
really sick but I healed them. I’m sick also but I’m
strong; I can deal with it.

Today I went with my sister and Dave to Hilltop Mall. I

told him on the bus that it was over with us, and he
was crying again.

At least we didn't kiss and he knows I won't kiss him

anymore. But he was really crying a lot, it was making
me sad.

I don’t want to think about it now.

Last night and this morning there was some

earthquakes. I’m really scared of the “big one” that

395
everyone talks about.

Anyway, I don’t know. I don’t know much when I write

do I?

See I have good handwriting when I try.

Getting really sleepy. More like fatigued. I remember

that from “The Pearl” by Steinbeck. It was a
vocabulary word.

Goodbye,

Esther

396
397
 We were a group. T.J, Jesse, Peter, Megan and I.
We were the only cool kids at the school.
Those were the days when Megan looked up to me,
T.J. liked me
and I had great friends.
We always wore black or grey or white, sometimes
blue jeans.
We were so cool. Just so cool……

398
Friday Aug. 11, 1989

(2:45 am)
“If u got the money

I'll give u the time

To (2) buy yourself a dirty mind” -Prince

399
“oh give me a home
where the buffalo Rome
where the dear and the antelope play
where seldom is herd a discouraging word
and the skies aren't cloudy all day”

Hooray!

PuPu

PooPoo

FUH-Q

Who R u?

400
Wed. Aug. 16, 1989

2:30 a.m.
“Hand in hand is the only way to land” – “Lovecats”
-The Cure.

I know I should write things that have happened- but I

won’t.

-E

(same day)

full moon (lunar eclipse)

11:08 p.m.
My Dad’s wiggin. He’s being really mean. He has
been mean for a while now. Not really cruel, just like
he thinks he should have all the fucking control in the
world.

He feels like he can go through my shit anytime he

wants. He treats me worse and gives me less
freedom then Carmen who 12 years old and
grounded.

I have to ask him if I can go anywhere, always. I have

to ask him if anyone can come over. I can’t go out
after dark. He’s such a fuckhead. He keeps changing
his rules. I wish he would fuck a typewriter, as long as

401
it’s not mine.

I don’t really hate him, it’s just that I’m grateful for the
things he does for me, but he’s not for me. He doesn’t
care except when I disobey him.

I just wish he would just shut the fuck up.

I’m so tired from not sleeping

402
18 THE HARVEST

Sat. Aug. 19, 1989

“8,19,1989”

(weird)

Here we are on the Green Tortoise bus up to Oregon.

Yesterday was so weird. Anyway I have $50 to spend
at a thrift shop on clothes. How shall I do it?

$10 on trench coat

$10 on shirts
$10 on jeans
$10 on boots
$10 on skirts

I guess something like that?

Wed. August 30th, 1989

10:49 PM
I know, I haven’t written for fucking days. I have not
written what I’ve done for more than days. But I will
write from the week I left off-

For like the first 3 weeks of August I was hanging out

with Kanti and Dave, plus some other guys we met

403
(Kanti and I met them all from calling Zygote, 644-
2424). (I told you about that).

Then Kanti and I went camping with my Dad and his

Capoeira group. We met this guy named Ryan up
there in Yosemite; he was also camping with his
parents, and hella fine.

After we first met during the day, we met up again at

two in the morning. It was hella cold outside, and so
beautiful under the stars. Ryan and I made out lying
on these big rocks. Kanti was so jealous of me,
because he was so fine.

And then Kanti and I came back to Berkeley and

hung out a lot.

Those days I was taking lots of Vivarin and there was

a lot of nights where Kanti and I just stayed up all
night under the moonlight shining through my
window- we just stayed at home painting things with
nail polish and talking. It was cool.

Then I went to Oregon with my sister.

The day I left I took fry, (that was the third time I’ve
ever taken it.) It was really weird. I walked around
with this boy I met from the Zygote phone line named
Rob. He tripped with me.

Rob kept saying “ Trust me.” (saying it like “truuusst

me”) and “I’m Rob, trust me.” It was all he would say,
and he kept saying it over and over, it was really
weird.

404
We went to the North Berkeley library and sat
outside, the trees were nice, it was kind of fun, but
weird.

Then me and my sister took the Green Tortoise up to

Oregon.

Before my dad dropped us off at the bus, he took us

out to Indian food at Pasand, there was a sitar player
playing, and it was cool, but that place was tripping
me out.

I think my dad knew I was frying, he didn’t say

anything and I was trying to act normal, except I kept
saying “Trust me.” and “I’m Rob, trust me.”

My sister dosed on the bus on the way up. When we

were going through Mount Shasta there was all this
blue light coming from her hands and she was talking
about becoming “The Energy Master”. I could feel it
too, it was cool.

I stayed up all night on the bus on the way up, I

couldn’t sleep, even after my sister went to sleep. It
felt like I had turned into Rob and I kept saying “Trust
me”, and “I’m Rob, trust me”.

I felt like I had Rob’s baseball hat on and this zit that
he had on his chin, it felt like I had that too, it was like
I turned into Rob. I did not really like this feeling, but
there wasn’t much I could do about it.

Lucky for me, there are a lot of cool people on the

Green Tortoise bus and they didn’t seem to mind.

405
People talked to me all night, they were awake
anyway.

Then Oregon was fun. I got to see my Mom. I made a

lot of friends (with my sister’s friends from her past
year of living up there).

I met these two guys in Oregon, one named Cory

and one named Kyle.

I made out with Cory the first day I was there.

And Kyle was really sweet, he was crying when we

left.

Everyone steals things up there, so people hella stole

things for us. Then we got sick and we didn’t go out
much.

Then we came back. I hung out with my sister and

Kanti a few days. Then Kanti went to her choir retreat.

So I was hanging out on Telegraph a lot. I saw Caleb

last Saturday night when I went to Rocky. I went to
Rocky with Blair because I slept over.

Gotta Go!

(I'll write more later)

406
(Later)

(11:36pm)
So as I was saying, last Saturday I spent the night at
Blair's.

That was the first time I spent the night over at Blair’s

407
since the night she lost her retainer at Denny's.

I didn’t want Traci to flip. So I let Blair dress me in a

disguise. I wore my trench coat and Blair put a ski
mask, sunglasses and cowboy boots on me.

Traci didn’t know it was me. But I was hot and

uncomfortable under the disguise. Caleb acted like he
wanted to be my friend again. So I decided to be nice
to him.

That day Kanti and I took three contact cold

medicines and some champagne. Then that night I
got drunk and stoned with Blair and her friend named
“Skunk” and someone else.

The next day Sunday I went to Great America with

Gwendolyn and my sister and little brother. It was
kind of sucky but ok.

Afterwards my sister and I dropped by at Blake’s to

say hi. He wasn’t acting too mean, just like he wanted
to get rid of us. I've never been to Blake's house
before; we were just over by his house coming home
from Great America.

This week I have seen a lot of Blake (just around, and

he was acting kind of cold to me). I saw him with a
motor bike that didn't run, and he was walking it down
the sidewalk on Center, wearing black china flats.
(You know, like those kung-fu slippers.)

I’ve seen a lot of Caleb this week. My sister and me

went and sat with him on UC campus in a tree, and

408
smoked pot for a long time for a few days in row. I still
think he is weird, but me and my sister were just
bored and didn’t have anything else to do.

I gotta go, I want to write more, but my dad is telling

me to turn off my light and go to sleep.

Ok, goodnight!

Thurs Aug 31st 1989

(3:33am)
It’s late and I’m supposed to have my light off. I tried
to sleep for a while, but I just turned it back on. I want
to write about today….

So, today was really crazy!

At first, Kanti came back and we went shopping with

my sister.

Then my sister, Kanti and I went to Telegraph and

saw Blair and Caleb (we also saw Blake and a bunch
of his friends).

Then we ran into Justin and Mark on Telegraph.

When Mark first got out of Oak Grove, his parents
wouldn't let him go outside, but now I guess they are.

Then Blair and Caleb, plus Justin and Mark, Kanti, my

409
sister, and I, all went up to this treehouse way the
fuck out there in the wild.

It was still pretty early afternoon, like 1pm.

Anyway, so we get up to the treehouse, I’ve never

been there but it’s really big, and built high up, so
high up that it’s kinda scary near the edge.

So when we got there, Caleb wanted to get into the

biting each other and hickeys and stuff again.

I wasn’t scared for myself, because he’s already

bitten me, and I knew what could happen, but I knew
he was trying to get to my sister Carmen, so every
time he tried to get her attention, I’d flirt with him an
draw his focus away from her.

Anyway, it seems like since I’ve already been bitten

by him, I might as well try and protect my sister from
him, if I can.

Then he wanted to bite my neck so I let him.

At that point I looked up and around and saw that

Kanti and Mark were giving each other hickeys, so
were Blair and Justin.

It was really weird, while Caleb was biting me, I could

feel something in my body trying to spin around the
trees, like I was trying to leave my body, but I didn’t
let it happen.

I was luckily not effected by his bite this time (not like
I was in the parking lot that night I met him, earlier

410
this year, when I found myself leaving my body.) I
think it’s maybe because I was already bitten by him.

But Caleb then lunged for my sisters Carmen’s neck.

He tried to latch his teeth onto her, but he missed.

We were all sitting on the tree house floor, which is

not really a house, it’s more of a big wood platform
built in the trees, with one side built into the hillside,
like a cavern.

Anyway, he tried to reach for her again, and I stopped

him from latching his teeth into Carmen’s neck by
latching my own teeth into his neck. He began to
shake and go into spasms.

He pleaded with me to stop. So I stopped.

I let go of his neck, and he thanked me; but then he

moved for my sister again.

He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and so I started to give him

a hickey on his back, really hard, like sort of drawing
blood as Caleb himself does, using my teeth and
everything.

I was trying to make sure he wouldn’t try and bite my

sister again- and just then the wind picked up (I
wasn't sure what time it was, but some time around
3:00pm – my mom has told me the wind is always
strongest at 3pm all over the world).

So the wind starting picking up really strong in the

trees. It was weird, and it’s strange because for some

411
reason it’s kind of a blur and I don’t fully remember
what happened- maybe because we were smoking
pot?

But for a moment, Kanti and Mark, as well as Blair

and Justin seemed to disappear, and then suddenly
they were all back.

Blair and Kanti had hickeys and were red and raw
from them, same as I was, so did Justin and Mark
and Caleb.

My sister was still the only one untouched- and I was

hoping to help her keep it that way, she is after all,
only 12 years old.

Then, the wind picked up some more. Caleb was just

sitting on the floor of the tree house, and it was so
weird, Caleb started smoking a bowl, we all smoked
and he was ducking behind Mark to lite his pipe and
get out of the wind and then, out of nowhere, Mark bit
Caleb on the neck! Mark latched on and started to
suck on Caleb’s neck!

I think Mark is still a bit sensitive these days. I have

always kind of felt bad about being his first kiss.

(I told you about that) and how Blair kinda pushed me

into giving him a hickey and her telling him I was a
vampire, and me kind of half believing it.

Because, as I told you, after that; Mark thought he

was in love with me, after that, and then he freaked
out on acid with Traci, and his parents locked him up

412
in Oak Grove for a long time; then we became really
good friends.

I have heard that Caleb is Bi, and he did appear to

enjoy Mark biting him very much. What I do know
about Caleb, and I don’t know much, but I do know, to
him, biting like he does, is just like making out is to
normal people.

Then this is where things get a little blurry, I can’t

remember, like I said, maybe I was just really stoned-
but me and my sister stayed sitting where we were,
smoking the pot in the pipe-

I was just feeling the wind picking up and beating the

leaves of the tree, and I can only recall like a faint
vision of it. So weird!

It was also really weird that after that Caleb, after

Mark had latched onto his neck, and like bit him,
Caleb seemed to have all the color drained out of his
face. It was like suddenly he became pale white.

He was no longer looking like one of those “golden

vampires” (that Blair had told me about.)

So Caleb and was just kinda lying down on the floor,

and then he tried to get up, but it seemed like his legs
were not working.

Mark tried to help him up, but for some reason Caleb
was still stuck. Caleb called my name “Esther!” Justin
and Blair tried to help Caleb up too, but he told us I
was the only one who could help him get up.

413
So Caleb kept calling my name and I went over there
to see why.

The wind got even more fierce and shaking the tree
house and the height was dizzying. My higher self, or
something, told me to feel sorry for him.

So I watched him again, as he tried to get up,

He seemed ok, just lying there. Then I helped him get

up, and it really did seem like he was like stuck to the
floor of the tree house, and he couldn’t get up with out
my help. Weird!

And the other weird thing was that he had become as

white as a ghost, when he is usually tan and “golden”.
I told him to leave my sister alone.

Then he said he was mine and my sister’s servant.

He said he would always be our servant for the rest of
time.

Whatever!

So I now have many hickeys, (so does Blair, Justin,

Kanti and Mark.)

Caleb does too, although his hickeys are much, much

worse.

It’s strange, in some ways I don’t care what happens

to him, but in some ways, I hope he’s ok. It was
weird.

At least my sister is ok, and she didn’t get bit by him -

414
being bit by Caleb really messed me up for a while,
when it happened to me.

So then my sister and I went back home.

Kanti and Blair both came with us, and for some
reason we all talked Caleb into coming over, I’m not
sure why, maybe we just wanted to see if he would
come with us.

And even though Kanti and Blair aren't really friends

any more, we all just talked on the way back to my
house.

Caleb was wigging out at times. Then at times he

seemed happy. I don’t know.

Then, when got there, my Dad wigged out.

There was no way we could sneak Caleb in- then

Caleb got really pissed and walked away.

My Dad was saying (after Caleb left) that I’m lucky he

doesn’t tell me who to be friends with or how to dress.

My Dad has told me this before too, and it’s true, I

guess, because Mark’s parents do that.

Anyway, then my dad pointed out that Caleb had an

electric guitar on a shoulder strap and that he didn’t
have a guitar case, which is not a proper way to carry
an instrument.

Then I saw Caleb in my mind, saw him how he really

is now- shirtless under his leather Jacket, walking

415
around with an electric guitar slung over his shoulder,
and as my Dad pointed out, no guitar case.

Skateboard, pale white, no more golden tan, just like

he lost all his power, if he ever hand any to start with.

I got upset when my dad said that, (But later tonight I

realized that my Dad was right about that.)

Me and Carmen both got grounded for coming home

at 10pm.

Then my Dad said Kanti and Blair both had to go

home. He was acting really nice this week, then all of
a sudden, I don’t know…

So they both left. So now I'm just laying in my room.

But anyway, it was a really crazy day!!!

I’m also really upset because…

is here-

Dave got Cure tickets (even though I broke it off with

him for good that day we went up to Hilltop Mall, and I
have not seen him since then...he still wants to take
me to the concert), but I have a school camping trip
that week, so I can’t go.

416
I should really turn off my light and try and sleep…I
hope I can.

Ok, goodnight -

Love, Esther

417
19 THE MAGIC OF PASSION-
A RITE OF PASSAGE

Sept. 1, 1989
Hi,

It’s all starting to makes sense, I mean I talked to

Justin today, and he said he has proof that Traci’s
group of friends called “the pack” is all made up.

He didn’t tell me exactly what sort of proof he has, but

I believe him, and what can I say, but I knew it all
along! Justin is not Traci’s friend anymore either.

He said he was sorry for taking Traci’s side so much.

Justin and I were laughing about back when he

thought our lives were connected to that Steven King
horror book he read. (I still haven’t read it, I don't
know the title), but that’s when he and Traci became
friends, because of that book, so Justin and I were
laughing about those times.

It was good to laugh with Justin about Traci making

up those stories about those runaway girls (and how
she even made up demons to go with the made-up
girls), I was beginning to think everybody was going
to take her seriously forever.

(Although I have a feeling she was telling the truth

418
about the ghost in her house; I guess I'll never know.)

I was thinking about how demons are not real, I don’t

know how I know, I just feel it to be true- they are just
something that humans make up in their mind, that’s
how I knew that (at least that part) of what Traci was
saying, wasn’t real.

But it's weird because on the other hand I think that

ghosts and fairies are real, I can’t prove it, (I can’t
prove about demons not being real either, but that is
what I believe.)

I remember the time I tried to do that Science Fair

project in the 5th grade, where I was trying to prove
that fairies were real, and even though I couldn’t
prove it, I looked and looked for the fairies because I
know they exist.

Fairies, ghosts, E.S.P, being able to read minds and

see the future, I believe in those things. Past lives
and future lives, I believe those are all real too. And
you know, I do think time and space travel are real
also. I have always believed in God too, although I
never believed in the devil.

And I realized about vampires, they are like demons

and the devil, mostly they are fake- just things people
make up.

But there is such a thing as “carnivorous beings”.

Even plants like Venus Flytraps.

Those beings must eat life.

419
I don’t know, but I do like animals a lot. I didn’t even
think about how eating beef was the same as eating a
cow, until Blair explained it to me.

The idea of animals being killed really upsets me. I

actually really love all animals.

When I was a kid, I always used to go up and pet the

cow at the Little Farm in Tilden.

And I really do love animals so much.

But for some reason I never stopped to think about

how the cow we would pet at the Little Farm was the
same as hamburgers (not that I got to eat
hamburgers very often but I liked them when I got
them.)

Anyway, I do love animals so much,

I remember the book “Where the Red Fern Grows”,

we read it in the 6th grade in Ms. Kole's. I cried so
much at the end when the dogs Old Dan and Little
Anne die.

Maybe I’m just not cut out to eat meat. Maybe I'll
become a vegetarian...

I think my parents were cool when they were

Macrobiotic and didn’t let us eat meat.

But I guess eating a vegetable is eating a living thing

too.

I remember my Mom told me she heard a carrot

420
scream once, when she pulled it out of the ground.

And one summer we got a big plum on the tree in the

front yard. That tree never had plums on it before, but
that summer we got a big huge plum from the tree. It
was big enough to share with everyone. My mom
called it a “santa rosa” plum.

And then, when we got home from Macrobiotic

summer camp and saw that plum tree had been
knocked over and chopped up into wooden logs. My
parents said somebody probably hit it with a car, and
then chopped it up.

But it made me sad. And I wondered about that last

plum. How the tree never grew a plum until right
before it was killed. It's like the tree knew it was going
to die, and grew that one last huge plum for us all to
share as a way to say good-bye.

And nothing was really the same after that.

I sense that trees are able to think and feel, just the
same as animals. Wood is like the meat of a tree.
Sap is like the blood.

And it's weird and sad to think about how about how
meat was a living animal.

How it had been a living animal before it had been

killed and how it’s life had been taken.

I didn’t think of any of this until Blair explained it to

me, telling me about how “vampires need to eat too”.

421
Meat is filling, (even though it is so sad how it comes
from a dead animal) and who knows, maybe not
being allowed to eat it, is one of the reasons I was
always so hungry all the time when I was really
young.

I was always eating candy off the ground and stuff. I

remember once I ate a whole tube of lime flavored
Chapstick because I was so hungry. I used to eat dog
biscuits too.

Maybe humans are kind of like dogs; when we are

hungry we just eat what ever we can.

Our neighbors would have bones from pork chops

that they would give to our dog. I would sneak those
bones from the dog dish and chew on them too.

Maybe that is why eventually my parents gave us

some meat, even though they weren't supposed to.

And when we did get chicken or something, I'd

always break open the bones and suck out the
marrow too.

Eating is a strange thing, and maybe that is why Blair

is sort-of right when she talks about this stuff. Like
cats, they have to eat meat to live. People are
obviously not cats, but it's weird to think about it. Like
humans will eat meat. If they are hungry. Some
animals, like rabbits, won't.

But maybe, when I was really young my parents knew

about this - (like what Blair was always telling me),

422
that meat is the same as blood, and eating it is kind of
like being a vampire.

Maybe my parents knew it wasn't “just meat”, but also

blood.

So maybe, vampires are only real as much as there

are a lot of animals that eat other animals, human’s
included. And humans do eat meat. But I wonder if
we need to eat it?

And, maybe I will try to stop eating meat. I think that

could be a good idea, although I don't really eat much
food anyway.

But whatever happened with Caleb, (and with Blair,

the summer before, when she cut me and drank my
blood).

They were both, kind of like vampires, trying to push

themselves beyond the magic that they had a right to
have - the magic being my blood.

And as for Caleb, he overtook himself.

Whether he was human or vampire or maybe a little

bit of both, I don’t know, I just know that he no longer
had the shine I once saw in him.

He lost his golden color for some reason -- most likely

because of what happened in the tree house
yesterday.

I saw him downtown today, and he still looks so pale

and like he has lost his shine.

423
And in a way, I wish I had never bitten him, the same
with Mark too...

I told you about that; that day last year right after I
started the 8th grade, when I kissed Mark (I was his
first kiss) and then I gave him a hickey and Blair said I
was a vampire, and I kind of believed it.

And as far as Mark goes, I wish that I never bit him

for other reasons.

But as far Caleb goes, he bit me first , (at Rocky, way

back in April) and for some reason, I felt like what
happened in the tree house yesterday was the only
way for me to get back the part of myself he took from
me.

And I do feel stronger now, after that happened and

back to “myself”.

Oh! Just now, I heard a little girl, skipping by my

house, singing-

“Frère Jacques,
Frère Jacques,
Dormez-vous.
Dormez-vous”

It reminded me so much of being a kid, and the real

magic, that was in being a kid. That is good magic,
and so much more powerful that anything else...

424
Anyway... like I was saying, it feels like I finally got
back what Caleb took from me.

And I'm sure there would have been other ways to get
it back, but I got it back, and that’s what matters now.

And maybe the life energy that’s inside me, this is

what the vampires “feed” on. And if I ever feed on life
energy, am I am being a vampire too? I guess
maybe. I'm not sure.

And it’s true what Blair was saying, how everyone

needs to eat. Like if you ate nothing you couldn’t live
very long.

I just now thought of, or remembered, the vision I had

425
at the Marina the day before Halloween, this past
year with Blair.

The vision of the Native American fishing, and also

remembering my Mom telling me a Native American
legend;

How the salmon returns to their home to give their

body to the tribe - how the tribe catches the fish and
eats them.

There is magic there.

It's like I am realizing that the blood in my veins is

earth magic, like the rocks and the roses.

And truly, earth magic is true magic.

It’s like what I realized when my sister and I (and

Dave) carved our skin this summer.

That was the day I carved “Blake” in my ankle and

Dave carved “E +D '89” in the palm of his hand.

Anyway, when we were carving our skin, it's weird but

maybe it got us in touch with our true feelings; even
though cutting ourselves was not a good thing to do.

And that’s what made me finally see that I was

hurting Dave (by keeping on making out with him,
when I didn’t love him.)

Because when I saw it like that that, when it was

'written in blood': his “E+D”, (aka Esther+Dave) and,
my “Blake” carved in our skin, right before my eyes,

426
seeing it like that, the meaning behind it, seemed to
have a lot more power.

Like I finally understood how intense the feelings we

had were, how much Dave loved me - and how much
I loved Blake, not Dave.

Passion is in the blood that runs in our body, the love,

the life inside.

So, maybe blood is a just symbol of love? Or maybe

love and blood really are the same thing.

Maybe blood and passion are the same thing? We

need earth magic to live, I need passion to survive,
maybe that’s all it is, survival?

But maybe if I have too much passion, and am too

passionate, that could keep me stuck, like in a
dizzying circle of intensity?

So maybe it’s like the feeling of being drunk? That

feeling of being filled with too much intense life
energy.

That is maybe why I am waiting to loose my virginity,

passion is also scary - many people misuse love, I
think many people misuse passion too.

427
428
429
Life and Blood and Passion are the same?

What is a misuse of passion?

Well, anyway…like I was saying... I was just thinking,

if somebody was to get like, drunk, from the passion,
it might keep them from seeing into the infinity?

Or maybe just pushed off balance? I know I got

pushed way off balance that time Caleb bit me back
in April.

I remember my mom once told me about how in The

Bible it says something like it’s the “love of money”
that is the root of all evil, not money itself.

So maybe that’s what I mean, like the love of passion,

or the overuse of passion, is the problem, not the
passion. It’s when the passion overtakes.

430
But, anyway like I was saying, Blair was the one who
told me about this, about how "drinking blood" and
eating meat are the same, and I think she could be
right. At least partly.

But does "draining life" from something actually give

you power? I don’t really know. I kind of doubt it.
Unless you are a cat and need to kill in order to eat.

Maybe it’s like if you drop your spoon into a bowl of

hot soup, and then you fish it out- but it keeps falling
back in the soup because the spoon gets wet and
sticky, and hot, and hard to handle.

At least that’s the vision I see when I think about it

right now.

I feel myself truly returning to myself now, to being a

good witch, I feel it glowing inside, what you might
call 'light magic'.

I don't think I ever stopped being a good witch. I may

have just gotten pushed out of balance in some ways
and am now returning to myself.

But I realized, through all this, that I don’t think that

'dark magic' is bad: it’s just like a porthole, just like a
realm, or a time of darkness, it’s a place, and you
have to go through it.

It seems there are some people, without any sense

and with absolutely no real power. But there are a lot
of people with some sense too, and for that I am glad.

431
I feel good today.

I know that, in truth, it’s always been this way, ever

since I was a little girl, skipping down the street,
singing “Frère Jacques” that magic is real. Fairies
are real.

Spirits are real.

Love is real, all kinds of love.

The key is to believe.

Love in my heart, love in my mind, love in my body

and love in my spirit. Underneath it all, love is the
most pure magic of all, the real magic, of real love.

I have many kinds of love, and I found the magic

inside of so many different kinds of love.

I had to go where I did, and see what I saw.

I guess there are some people who believe in some

sort of great evil; that is fake magic, and also it’s
stupid.

But anyone who believes in some great evil, they are

missing darkness for what it is, or precisely, what it’s
not!

Because, darkness is no thing. It is mystery. So “evil”

can't exist, it's just “fake darkness”, real darkness
never existed, and never will.

I think that some people can go into what they think is

432
darkness, and they think they can learn how to
understand the meaning of darkness, in a good way.

I guess I feel like I did that, even though it seems not

to make much logical sense.

I guess it doesn't make logical sense, because it feels

like even though darkness is 'no thing' -- it seems like
it can, in some ways, feel alive anyway; it seems to
have a vibration, or at least a magnetic pull.

I think the word for this kind of thing is a “paradox’.

But maybe not, maybe it's just because darkness is

no thing, and it is not self-created, so instead it draws
things in like a black-hole, and maybe if you get too
close it attaches itself.

Maybe it does this to anything that is self-created.

Perhaps if I am 'self-possessed', darkness reaches to

me because it craves my light and my ability to
possess myself, because by nature, it can't.

But I know to make any thing visible, you must have

both light and the absence of light. So I must have a
need for the darkness, at least just as much as the
darkness needs my light.

And there is always a balance- to have day, there

must be night. But let there be light- To balance the
dark.

Like the Yin Yang…

433
Ok, That’s all.

- Esther

Sept. 3, 1989
Hi,

This will be the end the last entry in this book. I got a
new notebook to write in.

I’ve decided to empty out the special drawer in my

desk, so I can make room for school supplies.

As far as emptying out my drawer, I don’t really need

all those old mementos anymore. What were they
anyway? Some candy wrappers from a long time ago
and stuff. I saved the cards my sister sent me (when
she was living in Oregon), but the rest of the stuff I
threw away.

I mean, the stuff in my drawer was sentimental, but I

had to see, those things weren’t something I needed
to keep, now that I’m starting high school.

I did a little ceremony in the side yard as I stood by

the trashcan, I just said goodbye.

434
After that I went down to Monterey Market and got a
pomegranate, I came home and cut it open in the
kitchen, then I ate six of the pomegranate seeds,
counting backwards, one after the other. Then I
shared the rest of the pomegranate with my sister.

Then my kitten Troy came up to me and rubbed

against my leg, I picked him up and we went up to my
room.

Ok, goodbye -

Love,

Esther

The End

435
 New Book
Mon. Sept 4, 1989
Hi, so I’m writing in my new book. I’m glad to be
done with my old notebook and it’s nice to start new.

Maybeck starts tomorrow. I’m actually happy the

summer is over. It feels like I can think clearer when
the fall season returns and the cold weather comes
in.

Ok, I should go…glad to have a new book!

Esther

Tues. Sept 5, 1989

Today I started school. It wasn’t really school, more of
a meeting type thing. Anyway I’ll write more later.

436
Thurs. Sept. 14 1989 1:20 pm
I’m on the bus coming home. This week at Feather
River (Maybeck’s beginning of the year camping trip)
has been great. I’m going to miss it. I think that
Maybeck is going to be a great School! Classes start
on Monday.

Being out in nature at Feather River was magical. I

felt a lot of different kinds of energy out there…

A few days ago one of my workshops was the ropes

course. I think I conquered my fear of heights; it was
really fun!

I met a lot of friends up there that will be going to my

new school. Joshua, (actually there were two boys
named Joshua in the ropes course workshop with
me), but the one that I’m talking about, the one I like,
was acting really nice to me during that workshop.

Last night we had a dance, it was cool except for the

endless rap “music”. I’m glad, because I thought
Evan, (I told you about him, he’s from the commune,
he is a Junior at Maybeck), well I thought he was mad
at me, but last night he gave me a hug and swung me
around.

I actually danced! Last night I danced with this boy

named Turtle about three times. Then I danced with
this boy Thomas and I danced with Evan. I danced
with a lot of people.

Although he spent most of his time with Margie, I

437
danced with Joshua. He said he has a girlfriend back
at home. Oh well.

Also last night this girl named Willow hurt her leg. I
slept in her cabin and her boyfriend Saul slept there
too. Saul calls me “Meadow”. I’m not sure why.

Anyway-

I keep thinking about T.J. (remember him?) and how

he would play “Stand by Me” for me on his bass.

I should go now but I’ll write more later...

438
439
Esther C. was born in San Francisco in 1975
and raised in Berkeley.

440
“Let it Rain, Let it Rain” (a diary)
E-Book version full color
Published by Mangrove Library
Second edition
Copyright © 2017 Esther C.
All rights reserved.
ISBN-10 0692965807
ISBN-13 978-0692965801

441