Pantheon Comics #10:

"Bar Wars!"
Digest by Joe Grendel
Chapter One: Hacks Bar and Grill
by Hack

Hack grunted as he flew through the link. He lifted his head. Hmm. "J Street." But there
WAS no J Street in New York. Or was this Washington?

Hack scratched his head. Evidently, he had taken a wrong turn somewhere. Strange. His
powers had done nothing like THAT before. He hoped they were working properly.

He got up and brushed himself off. This had not gone well.

Hack strode into the bar. Joe Grendel looked up and frowned.

"Hey!" he growled. "Didnt I tell you to get out of here before?"

"Uh, no, actually," Hack said. "You must have confused me with someone else."

"You sure LOOK like the guy I yelled at to get out of here before. Is your name Hack?"

"Yes."

OzBat leaned over.

"I think he needs to be bounced."

Grendel nodded.

"Yes, I think youre right. Trying to play mind games, eh?"

"No." Hack frowned. This did not look good.

Five minutes and 36 bruises later, Hack found himself sitting outside of Grendels Pond
Bar and Grill. Well, sitting wasnt exactly the word, because he was sort of sprawled over
a flower cart, and some woman was screaming about all the flowers he had ruined, but
still

Hack stood.

"Sorry bout that," he said.

He hands the woman a large bill and walked away. Normally, he wasnt all that generous
with his cash, but right now, he needed to stay out of trouble.
That was when Grendel threw a bucket of soapy water out the window.

On his head.

That was it. Hack frowned and stormed towards the mayors office. He was going to get
even.

He was going to start his own Bar and Grill!

***
Grendels Pond
Bar and Grill

"Hey, wheres the Temporary Guy?" asked Grendel, frowning. "He was supposed to be
here 13 minutes ago."

OzBat looked up from his table-waiting.

"Gee," he said. "I think he said he saw some place, and he decided to try it out."

"Some place? What place might this be?"

"Um, I think its, uh, Hacks Bar and Grill."

Grendel turned and walked out the door.

"Thats it," he growled. "Im going to put a stop to this!"

He stormed into the bar.

"Howdy," Hack said. "What can I do for you?"

"You can close down. Now."

"Very funny," said Hack, as he slid a drink to TTG. "Why would I want to do that? Id lose
all my profits."

"Listen to me, you punk. I dont know what your game is here, but I dont like it. Stop it
NOW."

Hack grinned.

"I dont think so. Youre the one who started this whole thing."

"No, I didnt!"
"Sure you did. You called Raphael on me, remember?"

"YOU were the one who had kept harassing OzBat about screwing up your drink when
the whole thing was fine anyway!"

"I did NOT!"

Grendel glared at Hack.

"Youve got five seconds to close down before I get mad."

"Wow, you can count."

Joe Grendel leapt forward.

***

A dark, dark figure, in a dark, dark room, watched a dark, dark monitor. He smiled evilly,
as he saw the two bar owners battle. Soon, J Street would be his!

Chapter Two: New Year, New Faces

by Joe Grendel

The office of acting Mayor The Scarlet Rob.

TSR examined the resume and attached letters of recommendation.

"Well, I havent even decided if Im going to keep this job," he frowned, looking out the
window. "Mopes death was kind of a surprise. Not that you arent qualified "

He looked at the muscular man before him.

"Kevrhon hasnt really taken to the job Shadowcat dumped on him, either. Which means J
Street could really use a policeman to keep order here. Someone with no ties to the
Pantheon." He scratched his chin. "Michael McTyson, youve got the job. Welcome to J
Street."

***
Grendels Pond
Bar and Grill

"China Grove," by the Doobie Brothers, was playing on the jukebox.

"This," Grendel chopped lemons furiously, "This this this "

OzBat eyed his boss warily.

"Uh, Joe? I think youre in danger of losing a thumb there "

Grendel slammed his fist down on the cutting board.

"This is INTOLERABLE!" He pointed his knife at the imp. "Somebody ought to do

something about Hack."

OzBats eyes bugged out.

"What are you suggesting? This isnt Thomas A Beckett were talking about here "

Grendel waved his hand dismissively.

"Nobody ever proved I had anything to do with that."

Raphael Starkiller, one eyebrow raised, sauntered over to the bar.

"Is there a problem, boss?"

"NO!" OzBat yelled. "Why dont you go keep an eye on those Skrulls, Raph? Theyve
been hitting the Klingon Bloodwine pretty hard."

He turned back toward Grendel.

"Dont even think about it "

Grendel reached for another lemon.

"Spoilsport "

Chapter Three: Law and Prophets

by Michael MacTyson

J Street Police Station, 1st Precinct

Lieutenant Michael MacTyson used the keys Mayor Rob had given him and entered the
building. He figured it had been months since it had been occupied. Dust and cobwebs
covered the place.

"Well, since mayor Rob hasnt given me a budget to work with, Ill have to clean and
repair this place by myself." He looked around. The entire police station consisted on one
large reception hall with a desk, two offices and one holding cell. The whole building was
made with ordinary bricks and mortar. "Ill need to ask one of this super-types to help me
reinforce the construction, otherwise any super criminal I arrest will punch his way out in
no time." He continued on his inspection. A police radio, some telephones and a closet
full of strange weaponry greeted him on the largest office, along with a desk and three
chairs. He entered the small office. Inside there was a desk, two chairs, a water cooler and
a bulletin board. Some joker had posted a title on it. It read "Never Ending Board."
Posted on that board were wanted posters. The oldest one was about some mysterious
fellow by the name of "Elder, Secret;" the most recent "Liefeld, Rob." He sighed. He left
the office and opened the broom closet, took out a broom, a mop and a bucket and began
to clean the place.

After a long while, the precinct was clean. He put everything away and, in the main
office, began to study the law books and rules of J Street (no small feat, mind you), when
the telephone suddenly rang to life.

"Lt. MacTyson speaking."

"Hi! This is SLAM Chet the bartender, over at Hacks Bar and Grill. We got some
Vuldarians SMASH drunk with omkara juice and they are CRASH tearing the place
apart."

"OK, Ill be right over." He motioned to get up, but the other phone rang.

"Lt. MacTyson speaking."

"Come right over to Aziz Emporioum! I want you here to stop a gang of graffiti platypii!
They are posting profanity on my walls!"

He took the adamantium handcuffs from the weapons closet and left. As he was hanging
up, he thought This is going to be a long day. All of this because of that subway shoot-
out. No time for that right now theres business at hand.

Chapter Four: Youre under arrest!

by Hack

Hacks Bar and Grill

"No! Not the chandelier! Anything but the"

CRASH!

"!@#$." Chet turned and looked at Hack. "Boss, we have a big problem."

"Omkara juice?" yelled Hack. He had not been present when the fight had started. "You
gave the Vuldarians OMKARA JUICE?"

Chet frowned.
"Well, how am I supposed to know about these stupid whatever-they-ares? Its NOT
exactly something you study in the bar school."

"First, Grendel, now this," Hack sighed. He ducked a bottle flung at him. "Now, where
the shock am I going to find the money to repair this mess?"

"I called the cops."

"Cops? Why do they need cops in a place filled with superheroes?"

"I dunno. Heck, Im not the expert on J street."

A siren wailed. Hack shook his head.

"I cant stop these jerks, theyre somehow canceling out my powers. Dangit, what am I
going to DO? Grendels going to love this wait."

Hack frowned and stormed to the Bar and Grill across the street.

"Grendel, you jerk!" Hack yelled. "YOU got those !@#$ Vuldarians over there, didnt
you?"

Grendel merely smirked. Hitmen OzBat had said no to. But hed said nothing about
Vuldarians.

Hack grabbed Grendel by the shirt and tossed him through a link.

Grendel suddenly appeared inside MacTysons car. Frowning, he stepped out.

"What do you think youre doing, Grendel?" asked MacTyson.

"Well, officer"

"Jaywalking, huh?"

"Uh, no "

The effects of traveling through one of Hacks links had left him dizzy. He had difficulty
focusing on the three different cops. Hoo boy, this could take some getting used to.

"According to this law book, thats a BIG offense here at J Street. Im going to have to take
you in."

As the car left with a handcuffed Grendel, Hack watched and smiled. Gotcha.

Hack walked back into the bar to deal with the Vuldarians. It was easy.
He sent em to Grendels Pond Bar and Grill.

Chapter Five: Oh, a wiseguy, eh?

by Joe Grendel

Grendel glanced at Officer MacTyson, sneering, and bellowed across the street.

"RAPHAEL! KEEP THE VULDARIANS AWAY FROM THE OMKARA JUICE! AND
THE POOL TABLE! AND THE JUKEBOX!"

He glanced at the burly policeman.

"You might as well take this cuffs offa me, copper."

MacTyson grunted, and stepped on the gas.

Grendel leaned forward against the grill separating the passenger compartment from the
drivers.

"You might as well released me, Sparky."

"Why do you say that?" MacTyson watched Grendel in the rearview. This [naughty word]
was going to be trouble. "And dont call me Sparky."

"Well, Sparky, theres such a thing as due process. We dont have a judge, just like we
didnt have a cop for a while now. Im not going to sit in jail for the days, maybe even
weeks itll take to get all that organized. Ill have your badge if you hold me that long. And
believe me, I know plenty of lawyers."

"Oh yeah?" The lawyer threat didnt bother MacTyson, but the lack of a judicial system
did. What kind of place was this? "Hows that?"

Grendel flashed a toothy grin, leaning back against the seat, putting his hands behind his
head.

"I spend a lot of time in Hell."

Chapter Six: Mighty Morphin Power Tripper!

by The Scarlet Mayor

J Street
The Office of the Mayor
OzBat bamfed into the reception area. He had to ask Mayor The Scarlet Rob to step in
and do something about Hack and Grendel, before things escalated into the kind of
vicious all-out warfare that took place on the "Miscellaneous" board.

OzBat smiled at the pretty receptionist.

"Say, you must be new around here! I dont think Ive seen you in, uh, my bar! Whats your
name?"

"I dont have a name, sir. Im an unimportant background character."

"Oh, come on! You must have a name! (This is your second appearance already!)"

"Well, if I must, sir. You can call me Blanca Kannen-Fauder."

"Oh. Well, maybe Ill see you around (poor thing!) Say, is the mayor in?"

"See the way my teeth are gritted? Yes, hes in for now! Until he disappears, I suppose. I
come in every morning wondering whos going to be mayor today! The banks seen so
many different signatures on my paycheck, they think Im a temp! Mother told me a
liberal arts diploma wouldnt be worth the paper it was printed on, but did I listen?
Noooooooo "

OzBat bamfed past Blanca, wishing he hadnt encouraged her to be a more assertive
background character, and knocked on the mayors door.

"Go away!" The Scarlet Rob screamed. "For Gods sake, havent I got enough to deal with
already? If only Id ever been here when I was administrative assistant, I might have been
able to clear up some of this mess! This is Mopes revenge, I swear! Death was too good
for him "

"Now, TSRob," OzBat clucked, bamfing into the office against his better judgment.
"Youre just feeling overwhelmed! You dont really mean that!"

"Youre right, OzBat! If only Id had the chance to tell Mope how I really felt Choke!"
TSRob wiped a tear from the corner of one eye. "Oh, well, back to business "

"You know, sometimes its hard to tell when youre being sarcastic "

"You want the truth, imp? I lost track long ago myself! Now do you want anything or are
you just wasting my time?"

"Well, as a public-spirited employee of a J Street business concern, I was wondering if

you intend to serve out Mopes term as mayor, or if you plan to appoint someone else?"
"Hah! Like I want to be held responsible for everything that goes on this nutty street! And
have you noticed anything funny about this job? Like, our first two mayors served about
one month each before they disappeared or got killed? Ive inherited a death sentence,
OzBat! My days are numbered! Ill be lucky if Im here to see the Pantheon Valentines Day
story! My last birthday may have been my last birthday, if you know what I mean!"

"So, youll be appointing some poor sucker with less insight in your place?"

"Oh, youd all love that, wouldnt you? I wish! Its about time somebody took control
around here and tightened things up! Shadowcat had the right idea: J Street is entirely too
undisciplined! Well, what can we expect, with a bunch of childish, irresponsible hotheads
running wild their social life centers on a bar, for Petes sake! (Oh, no offense, OzBat!) I
wonder if Joes ever thought about turning Grendels into a more respectable
establishment? Maybe a Chuck E. Cheese franchise? I worry about all the kids with
access to this board "

OzBat left the Mayors office without much reassurance. If were lucky, he thought, his
psycho-killer personality will take over! What was Mope thinking? Guess Ill have to take
care of Grendel and Hack myself somehow

Back inside, Ms. Kannen-Fauder brought the days mail in and dumped it on The Scarlet
Mayors desk. On top was a budget request from Chief MacTyson. Oh, man! Im going to
have to start taxing people! Thatll be murder on my approval ratings! TSMayor thought.
I should have hired that Wiggum fella. He was willing to make do with payoffs and
bribes!

"You know what I just realized, Ms. Kannen-Fauder?" TSMayor asked, a slow smile
creeping onto his face.

"No, what?"

"Im in charge here! The whole enchilada! Its morning on J Street at last! Say, I wonder if
The Temporary Guy could fill in as Administrative Assistant for a while "

I wonder if The Temporary Guy needs a girl sidekick, Ms. Kannen-Fauder wondered.

The Scarlet Mayor leaned forward and rested his chin reflectively on his steepled
fingertips. Absolute power, he mused. For a moment, Ms. Kannen-Fauder thought she
saw his eyes glowing with an inhuman light and flames dancing around his head, but
she decided it had to be a trick of the light.

It was bound to be at least a few weeks before this one freaked out.

She hurried back to the front desk to finish updating her risumi.
 Chapter Seven: Free as a bird
by Michael MacTyson

"Grendel, you are free to go," said MacTyson as he removed the cuffs.

"Feel like Ive been here ages!"

"Yes, almost one hour. You are a real tough guy," retorted MacTyson.

"Told you my lawyers would get me out of here, copper!" spat Joe.

"Its not that. I was reading the J Street Book of Law written by Thej Ester. The biggest
offense is jaywalking, but they can throw you a parade if you dress up as a red colored
platypii and hit the mayor with a rubber chicken."

"Seems like youve been had!"

"I reckon I have. But you and Hack must mind your business and stay away from each
others throats. Ive requested to the mayor, besides my budget, that he should link us up
with the Washington jurisdiction. That way well have a judge and due process"

"Wait until you ask for a drink in my bar, flatfoot," growled Grendel as he walked out of the
station.

"What?"

"I said good day, officer."

Chapter Eight: Revenge and a startling return!

by Joe Grendel

Ms. Kannen-Fauder knocked on the doorway about an hour later.

"Theres someone to see you here, sir. Sir?" She looked up on the ceiling, where a
levitating TSR was reading through some of his paperwork. With an "ahem" he settled
back down to his desk.

"Well, show whoever it is in, Blanca."

She opened the door. TSR jumped to his feet.

"What are YOU doing here?"

***
Hacks Bar and Grill

"Chet, pinch me."

"I know, I know, I see them too. This may be the happiest day of my life."

I dont know how I got here, Hack eyed the Elite Modeling Agency, on a field trip to
Washington and his bar, but Im never leaving!

A slender beauty cozied up to the bar.

"Could I have a vodka-tonic, please?"

Chet and Hack stumbled over each other preparing it.

"YOU BET!" They cried in unison.

***

The Office of the Mayor

"Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet!" TSR said, pausing for breath. "I never
thought Id see you again!"

"Er, I was in the final chapter of Tempus Fugit."

TSR shrugged.

"Sorry, poor reading comprehension." He gestured for Johannes to sit. "What brings you
here?"

"Well, you are a man of the world, one of the few adults in that Pantheon of yours."

TSR, not knowing whether to be flattered or insulted, said nothing.

"I think you haff noticed that since the election, J Street has been more chaotic than effer
before." Johannes blushed slightly. "Obviously, we need superheroes. Otherwise, we
could neffer haff gotten rid of Nemesis and his cronies. Why, when the Pantheon was
missing, it was all the remaining heroes could do to keep J Street from totally going up in
flames."

"So, what are you saying?"

"Im saying that they are a necessary evil, but that J Street still needs mature leadership. I
would like to help you, TSR. I would like to apply for a job as your administrative
assistant."
 ***
Grendels Pond
Bar and Grill

MacTyson took the binoculars grudgingly from Joe.

"Look carefully," the bartender breathed. "All those women appear to be adults, but
theyre actually all between 16 and 20."

Behind them, Raphael Starkiller whimpered. Grendel waved him off.

"Officer MacTyson, Hack and Chet arent carding anyone! Theyre flagrantly serving
alcohol to minors!"

MacTyson handed the binoculars back to Grendel forcefully.

"Well just see about that!" He marched out across the street.

Grendel, polishing the binocular lenses on his apron, turned toward his assistant.

"OzBat, there are some pygmy marmosets at the corner booth who look like theyre ready
to order."

Grendel looked out the window at McTyson storming into Hacks place.

"Nobody messes with Joe Grendel, Hack, nobody!"

Chapter Nine: The Hackfields and the McGrendels

by The Temporary Guy

"What do you mean Im not carding?"

Hacks indignant cry echoed through the bar and into the early evening sky that covered J
Street like a really big sheet. The walking, steroid-induced beefalo that stood before him,
Michael MacTyson, had just stormed into his pub and thrown out a damning accusation;
of course he was carding! With a small number of the heroes still temporarily trapped in
childrens forms due to some leftover temporal disturbance. It would be foolish to not card
in such a situation.

"Well, I have a report stating "

"Grendel! That son of a look officer, I am carding, and you are more than welcome to
take a look around. I have nothing to hide from the local authorities." He turned to Chet.
"Chet, call my lawyer. Grendels going to be sorry he ever messed with me "
Later

"Sued? That little punk, not even on the street for a WEEK, has the audacity to sue me for
defamation of character? What kind of sick monkey hell have I gotten into this time?"

Grendels voice, echoing just as loudly as Hacks did, grabbed OzBat in a rit of fealous
jage (Peter Sellers fans will get it) and tossed him towards Raphael. OzBats quickly
teleported to the other side of the bar.

"Now, Joe just calm down "

"Calm down? How can you just stand there and say that? Especially when your job is on
the line!"

"MY job?" OzBat started forward. "What does my job have to do with this?"

"If he wins this suit, Im gonna have to cover the settlement that means I need to cut off all
of the dead weight around here!"

"Oh, now Im dead weight, am I?"

"Just like John Candy!"

"I dont need to take this, you stupid mook! I wonder if Hacks hiring! Im sure he knows
how to treat his employees with a little dignity!"

OzBat stormed past Raphael out the door. As he passed, the hulking bouncer asked, "You
want me to bring him back, boss?"

"No, let him go. He just needs to blow off a little steam." Grendel looked around the bar.
"Sheez, 97 sure does suck so far now, I need a lawyer! But who?"

"I know a little something about the law."

The voice came from across the room. Grendel turned to see a familiar figure, hidden in
the shadows of the bars recesses. He stood up and walked into the light.

"Well, well, well. The Temporary Guy." Grendel scanned him from head to toe. "How do
you know anything about the law?"

"My father, Career-Minded Man, was a lawyer in his secret identity this was back when
being a lawyer was an honorable thing, mind you. Me? I like to play dirty."

A smirk came to Grendels face.

"How dirty?"
"Very dirty."

"Good. Youre hired."

The door behind them suddenly swung open. Standing silhouetted in the setting sun was
a rather large-sized man, wearing a simple black suit and tie. He entered the bar, checking
out the decorum. He looked professional. He looked impassioned. He looked like
Raymond Burr.

"Hi, Im Perry Mason. Ill be representing Mr. Hacks defamation of character case. I just
wanted to size up my competition." He stared intently at the Temporary Guy, then
muttered, "Cake walk."

Joe Grendel and the Temporary Guy stared at each other. At the same time, their mouths
opened.

"Oh, crap!"

Chapter Ten: Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb

by The Jester

Joe Rice, sometimes known as the Jester or DaDamerican, woke up around 12:10. He
was home in Ashland, Kentucky for Christmas break, or he would have slept even later.
He slipped on his house-shoes and robe and made his way downstairs. Poured himself a
big bowl of Lucky Charms. Flipping through the channels, he decided nothing was on.
He checked his email and the Websites he frequents. Next, he went back upstairs and
took a nice, hot shower. After getting dressed he sat on the couch.

He sat.

He sat.

He sat some more.

He sat in a slightly different position.

He was bored.

He took out his Justice League of Ashland communicator.

"Anything going on? Need any help?"

Infinite Mike answered.

"Not really. El Wood and I are re-designing the computer systems again. Ice Queen and
Wonder Mormon have gone back to Utah. Ever since that debacle with Evil Bill, things
have slowed down [see the ongoing story a bit down the page]."

"Oh. Ah. Thanks, anyway, I.M. Joe out." Joe sighed. "This blows. Im going to J Street. I
wonder if that new cop found that The J Street Book of Laws yet? Heh heh heh."

Chapter Eleven: Memorabilia

by White Knight

The grave of King Arthur, two days ago

Special Agent Dale Cooper caught White Knight as he slumped to the ground.

Jonn raised an eyebrow.

"What was that flash of white?" He looked around. "And wheres my fiancee?"

Cooper, feeling for a pulse on the Knights neck, looked up at Jonn, OzBat and Joe.

"That was the late Mayor Mope. He was rocketing through eternity, evening out the
temporal distortions. He reunited the chronally bifurcated Anne and, while he was in the
neighborhood, apparently retconned White Knight back to life again."

Today, (just before Hack sued Joe):

While at Grendels White Knight fell to the floor with a loud BANG! The rampaging
Vuldarians stopped, startled to see fall a foe they had not touched. This gave Raphael the
opportunity he needed to kick the stuffing out of them and get them out of the bar.

OzBat approached White Knight.

"Whats wrong with you, buddy?"

White Knights face was ashen, his body trembled. A small trickle of blood came out from
his chest.

"Omigod!" said OzBat. "Raph! Call a doctor! Now!"

Raph ran to the telephone. Listed on the wall were the "emergency" phone numbers. He
dialed the "Doctor F."

A few brief sentences later, kevrhon appeared next to the fallen Knight.

"Kev, whats wrong with him?" asked OzBat! "He just fell."
"Its not only that. White Knight is dead."

"Again? How is that possible?"

"As far as I can tell, White Knight died four days ago. He has a stabbing wound on his
chest which caused his immediate death."

"And how could he live for four days?"

"There are traces of eldritch energy on his body. That kept him alive for a while. Then
theres another source of energy. The energies used by Mope to fix the temporal
disjunction are all over his body."

"And?"

"Its easy. As a final act in Mopes life, he tried to bring the Knight back to life, but now
the energies have worn off. His second lease on life just expired. Hes really dead now."

"What in Jonahs name is that?" asked OzBat.

White Knights body began to smoke. A second later, his body disappeared, leaving only
the empty armor behind.

"Hes gone." said Raphael. "But is he alive or dead?" he asked a second later.

"Boy, you are dense!" kevrhon sighed. "Hes dead."

"I saw that before! (OzBat is clearly referring to the Life and Times of the White Knight,
still available on the NEBoard). Maybe its the way their race decompose."

"And thats that" said kevrhon.

Joe appeared at that exact moment.

"Boss, White Knight has just "

"Tell me something I dont know, like how the !7$%$7" get Hack out of J Street. I got an
idea about that armor "

The empty armor was cleaned up and placed on a trophy case inside Grendels. A small
plaque on the base reads "In Memory of White Knight."

"Now, Ill fix that Hack guy once and for all."

Chapter Twelve: Sandy Claws

by The Temporary Guy
Let us now leave the discomforting confines of J Street, let us leave behind the growing
feud between Grendel and Hack, and let us now turn our sights to the small desert
country of Baquash, located somewhere between Qurac, Latveria and Markovia. As we
view the majestic, swirling sands making their way across the world, one can almost see
images. Could it be reflections of the past? Could it be the sign of things to come? Could
it be an echo of a tanked Omar Sharif during the "Lawrence of Arabia" shoot? One may
never know. But remember this the desert hides a great many things.

Just below the surface of the sandy wasteland, a vast temple rested, overflowing with
servants and warriors, all living only to obey the slightest whim of one man. He was a
dark and evil man, although not as dark and evil as his older brother Ras. He sat atop a
throne of solidified magma, glancing about his empire like a queen ant watching her
drones. He was their leader. He was their savior.

He was Ralph Al Ghul.

"So," he hissed to a cowering underling. "How goes my acquisition of J Street?"

"Very well, my lord." The underling was trembling in both excitement and fear. The
master was talking to him. "Hack is in place, and he and Grendel are poised to devour
each other."

"Oh, please, theres no need for melodramatics my good man. Just for that, its off to the
viper pits with you. Be gone."

As two huge bulky guards grabbed the underling, Ralph Al Ghul turned to a shadowy
figure chained to the wall behind him.

"You see, my friend? I am victorious again. Those idiots in the Pantheon, JLAshland,
Warhawks, whatever, theyll wipe themselves out. And in the end, I shall rule J Street, and
all of the mystical properties that lie within. I will become the most powerful being in the
universe, and Ill really piss Ras off."

The figure moved forward, as far as the chains would allow.

"Excuse me Ralph Al Ghul?"

"Yes?"

He thought for a minute.

"Ralph the Demon?"

"Yes, what of it?"

"Oh, nothing. So you led Hack to J Street?"

"Yes."

"And you arranged for him to buy the bar across from Grendel?"

"Yes."

"And you genetically created some clone of Perry Mason to represent Hack in a lawsuit?"

"So sue me, I like old TV. These days its Friends this and Friends that. Who cares about
that?"

"But, this isnt like Hack. I dont think hed be so aggressive towards invading Grendels
space!"

"Ah, but you see, thats where the fun lies. Hack isnt exactly in his own mind "

"What do you mean?" the figures voice raised an octave, his fear soaking through like
Nick Noltes T-shirt.

Ralph Al Ghul made his way down the walkway to his throne and went over to the figure.
Reaching into his cloak, the man pulled out a photograph. It was a picture of Hack and
Chet in their new establishment.

"You see? Everything is perfectly under control."

And as the villains laughter filled the sinister temple, the chained form of Chet began to
quietly sob.

Chapter Thirteen: Bar? What Bar?

by OzBat

OzBat was depressed. Hed stormed out on Grendel in protest earlier, but couldnt bring
himself to actually go over into Hacks Bar. Firstly, because he liked his old job. In spite
of that b@#$&@! Grendel. Ozzie liked feeling like he acted as some kind of moral
compass and moderating influence on Joes darker impulses, but even after all the time
theyd worked together, he still didnt feel like he quite knew what Grendel was going to
do next in any given situation. Outside of the customary "OzBat! Bus table 3!" routine,
that is.

Also, there was the slight problem of Hacks new establishment being right next door to
Abdul Azizs Pan-Dimensional Emporium. If Jeannie saw him float on by during work
hours, shed give him grief for the next few millennia about losing the same job again

Oz floated at about the same level as Grendels bar sign, cowl all drooped morosely,
his travel bag open on the step below. As platypii, beavers, spacemen and a few
particularly brave tribbles sauntered by, they dropped small change in the bag in
sympathy. New Chief Mac charged by in pursuit of some jaywalking chickens (Dont ask
why; because its there!), stopped and gave the Mite a citation for begging without a
license. Three pre-pubescent raptors on jet-powered skateboards ran off with his travel
bag, last seen heading in the direction of the amusement parlor two blocks down, adjacent
to MR MIRACLEs Psychiatry Offices. A long line of tribbles with convictions over
inadequate individuality was forming at the front door. And the sidewalk. And into the
Brontosaurus feeding pens and boarding kennels on the other side. When they got trod
on, they made a funny bath-toy-type sqeak sound

Through it all, Oz rested his head in his hands, floating obliviously at just over
head-height outside Grendels Pond Bar and Grill. Nobody wanted to listen Even new
Mayor The Scarlet Rob hadnt slowed down to take note of his concerns. And the way
that the light reflected around TSRs office, like flames dancing from an unknown source,
whenever his mayorship started thinking about the things he could do now sheeeesh! The
Mite shuddered, and then more depressed than ever, closed his eyes and tried to forget it
all.

Suddenly, a polystyrene cup of coffee was placed in his hands, the aroma knocking him
out of his reverie. Oz looked up, and gazed at the departing form of a particularly tall nun
from the Order of the Overly Attentive Madonna walk on down the street. How did she
walk like that, with those high heels and that broadsword hanging from her sash?

As he thought, and forgot a little bit more about his troubles, he drank from the cup.

And then REALLY forgot about his troubles

***

A deafening CRASH vibrated the front window and counter top in Grendels. The
bartender looked up from his legal conference with the Temporary Guy in a corner
booth.

"What the heck?"

"Dont you mean What the Hell?" asked TTG.

"Been there, got the T-shirt, no big deal" grunted Joe, and looked to his bouncer at the
door for an explanation.

Raphael Starkiller merely looked out the swinging doors, mouth agape.

"Uh, Boss?"

"What is it?"
"Theres a giant black robot-thingy hang on a sec, its now a Lamborgini, and its doing
donuts in the middle of the street "

The Temporary Guys eyebrows raised questioningly. He now had an official TTG utility
belt, and needed a good TTGmobile

"You dont want this one," began Grendel, who was then summarily cut off by more loud
explosions. Raphael ducked and squinted through the cloud of dust blocking the view
out the door.

"It seems to have disappeared, no wait, theres a Vuldarian taking pot shots at Smurfs "

"I thought you got rid of the Vuldarians."

"Guy Gardner came by and collected them earlier; seems they misplaced the instructions
on how to get to Warriors Bar in New York."

"Well, thats an understandable mistake, but whys this one targeting Smurfs?"

Joe sighed, removed his apron with a flourish, and headed for the door.

"Trust me; you dont want to know!"

In the street, smoke continued to billow, along with strange noises filling the air amidst
the random explosions.

BAMF!

A hideous overgrown Liefieldized parody of Batman, resplendent with claws and fangs,
lobbed bat-grenades at a passing undercover truck ferrying Thiefs guild members on a
mission.

"Oz "

BAMF!

The Hulk, complete with teensy weensy cape and cowl, belted a parked sandskiff,
upsetting Jabba the Hutts lunch.

"Hey Oz, if youll just listen a sec "

BAMF!

A neon-bright Triceratops tried to ram those punks on the skateboards, and succeeded in
hooking a battered travel bag, still with $15.37 inside.
"Look, if youll just CUT IT OUT, Ill Ill give you your job back" Joe sighed.

BAMF!

A strangely incongruous 2 foot tall floating imp in an ill-fitting Batman costume

appeared, looking high as a kite.

"Ya mean it Joe? Honest, really?"

Joe grabbed the cape, and slingshotted the Mite through the doors and out of sight of the
street, bowling over Raphael in the process.

"Yeah, I mean it, unless Hack tries pinning this mess on me. Cause technically, You
WERENT MY EMPLOYEE when you went about disturbing the peace GOT IT?"
This last bit was said with Joes snarling teeth right about button-sized Mite-ish nose
height, close enough for breath to steam over the oversized eye-slits on the Mites cowl.

Somehow, this didnt effect OzBat in the least.

"Sure thing Boss! Hey, while were at it, can I have a raise?"

"WHAT?"

Joe, incredulously taken aback as he was, hadnt noticed the pink mist wander in the
bar, reforming into Miss September 1996 uh, sorry, Jeannie the Genie.

"You wont get any sense out of him right now, Joe Grendel! We are in for 24 hours of
Pure Hell; Hes on a CAFFEINE-induce High!"

Around the bar, TTG and the other patrons present sat stunned, as Joe beat his head
against the bar counter. Repeatedly.

"Who would be so stupid as to give an interdimensional imp COFFEEEEEEE!" he

bellowed.

Outside, Mother Superior Bessie-Gigit-Teresa stopped feeding the tribbles in her usual
compassionate way, thought worriedly, and made her way back to the convent.

"Is it always like this?" asked TTG; "It might have some bearing on our case "

"Why, are we going to plead insanity if things dont go our way?"

"Maybe we could claim that Hack is not mentally a fit and properly prepared individual
to be able to cope with this "
 Chapter Fourteen: Squatter on J Street
by Mope

Mayors Office

Ms. Kannen-Fauder and TSMayor surveyed the office.

The space above the file folders: crammed with papers and junk.

The space below the Mayoral desk: crammed with papers and junk.

The space in the bathroom not taken up by (1) toilet and (1) sink: crammed with papers
and junk.

The space etc.: crammed with etc.

TSMayor: We have no space!

Bianca: Well, we are the second floor of a four story building. Why not shove half this
stuff upstairs somewhere?

TSMayor: Hmmm. Yeah. What is upstairs?

***

The hall outside The Mayors Office

The Scarlet Mayor surveys the hall. Hmmm stairs down to the street, water fountain, fire
escape, janitorial closet. No door upstairs.

"Hey! Janitorial Closet!" A light goes off in TSMayors head. "A place to cram stuff!"

TSMayor opens the janitorial door, and the obligatory avalanche of mops, brooms and
cleaning stuff spilled out on TSMayor. Luckily his amazing super abilities protected him
from janitorial harm. Gathering the stuff back up, TSMayor banged his head on the trap
door hanging slightly (two inches or so, just a crack) from the ceiling

TSMayor: (as the light bulb flashes) Trapdoor upstairs hey!

The Scarlet Mayor pulls the trapdoor down, which folds out into a quite convenient set of
fold-up stairs.

The third floor is revealed to be a very drafty part loft, part crumbling-office-space.
TSMayor takes some time to see if he can find a handy place to cram the extra financial
concerns of J. St. FY95-96
TSMayor starts humming: Love Love will tear us apart again.

TSMayor realizes hes actually humming to music he can hear.

TSMayor looks upstairs from whence he realizes the music is emanating.

The floor above him creaks slightly.

Another trap door folds out. A girl walks down out of the 4th floor loft. She hops down
off the stairs. She turns around.

Girl: ECK! (kind of a surprise yelp)

TSMayor/mysterygirl-at-the-same-time: WHO ARE YOU?

Mickey OPeigh: (say it out loud and get the joke :) Uh

Mickey: Im Mickey.

TSMayor: Mickey. Mopes niece?

Chapter Fifteen: I fought the law and I won!

by Joe Grendel

Grendel eased back into the booth keeping an eye on OzBat, who was busy doing his best
Cornholio impression.

"Maybe I should just hire Hack and Chet," he growled. "I bet they dont freak out like
this."

"Mmm," TTG nodded. "Well save that for a last resort. Ive been thinking about the very
nature of this suit: Its frivolous. He cant prove defamation of character unless he can
show an actual financial loss from it. And being accused of having selling to underage
drinkers would realistically have the opposite effect."

Grendel nodded absently, taking a sip from his RC Cola.

"Assuming theres even a court he can take this to. This is just a sideshow in any case:
Hell be out of business soon enough. He doesnt have a liquor license."

TTG raised an eyebrow.

"WHAT? Im sure he does "

Grendel grinned.
"No, I dont think so. The application was destroyed the night he filed it." He grinned.
"Retroactively. Never mess with a guy whos got a map of time and space in his head,
TTG."

***

Hacks Bar and Grill

MacTyson slapped the cuffs on Hack.

"Damn it, Grendels behind this, somehow, I know it! Chet, get on it: Find out how that
bastard erased our liquor license!"

Chet groaned quietly.

"Was this trip really necessary?"

Chapter Sixteen: Lightning Strikes

by Mope

The third floor, above The Mayors Office

The Scarlet Mayor finds himself talking to a young teenage girl, who he just found out is
the niece of his former boss, the late hero and Pantheon member, Mope.

Mickey had that ambiguous "teenage" look about her that could mean she was 13 or it
could mean she was 21 but not the kind that made 19 year-old guys susceptible to "jail
bait" suits. Mickey just had a normal, harmless air about her the typical girl of the 90s,
Claire Danes with black hair, a younger Winona Ryder. A nice girl.

***

Mickey OPeigh: You say it like that? (smiles in lieu of a laugh)

The Scarlet Mayor: Uh, yeah. Mope, rhymes with Pope or Rope. Yeah of course!
(Mickey shakes her head slightly) How do you say it?

Mickey: Like our last name with an M, with the "e" not silent M.OPeigh.

From the sky above J Street, a flash comes. Its 3:42 in the afternoon but the flash of
lightning still lights half J Street. The bolt flickers briefly across the sky like its looking
for a place to land. The lightning bolt picks the Mayoral building.

Luckily, Mickey and TSRob were standing just close enough to a window that the
lightning came through a window instead of Mickeys recent living quarters (the
abandoned fourth floor of the building). The lightning swiped through a large factory
window, causing the glass to melt rather than shatter.

SHHEEE-RRRAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKK!

Also, luckily, The Scarlet Mayor took a reflexive step back, as it helped him avoid getting
hit by lightning.

Lightning struck Mickey OPeigh but now someone else stood before The Scarlet Mayor.

A wispy smoke wafted before TSMayor, perhaps remnants of the blasted out window.
The smoke cleared to reveal a figure dressed not more than a little similar to The Scarlet
Mayor himself.

The Captain stood squarely before TSMayor, his large hands planted firmly on his hips.
On his chest was a large lightning bolt, that with detailed glancing, would be revealed to
spell "M.O.P.E.". The costumes color design was black and red, very similar to a costume
worn by a popular Fawcett/DC character but with black where Captain Marvel wore
yellow or white. He was Captain Pantheon, but he didnt know it yet. Neither did the
Mickey inside him.

Captain Pantheon stood for a second, smiling broadly, his eyes crinkly slightly. His face
was maybe a little broader, but the resemblance was unmistakable. The Scarlet Mayor
actually had to blink to prove to himself he wasnt seeing things. That was Mopes face on
this large caped wonder before him. Captain Pantheons cape flapped happily in the
breeze wafting in through the broken window.

The Scarlet Mayor: Mope?

Captain Pantheons left brow went up.

The Captain: Eh? (his deep voice resounded. The Captain was obviously taken aback by
his appearance as much as The Scarlet Mayor was. He dropped his Beck/Fawcett/Krause-
ish Shazam-ish-ness slightly to simply stare down at himself in disbelief. Next he held up
his hands, staring now in horror at his own body. Next, Captain Pantheons gaze drifted
off, looking blankly out into space. His head drifted increasingly up

Captain Pantheon: Oh wow

The Captains knees buckled, the cape flipped up, and with a

BAMMMPPDD!

Captain Pantheon fainted hard on the weak abandoned floor.

Ms. Bianca Kannen Fauder felt dust and chalk fleck down on her desk, hair and face
from the creaking ceiling above.

Chapter Seventeen: What kind of lousy joint is this?

by Joe Grendel

Grendels Pond Bar and Grill

"HEY!" A Joe Gallagher looked up angrily from the jukebox.

Grendel looked over The Temporary Guys head to look at Gallagher.

"Whattya want, Dr. J?"

"Huh? No ones ever called me that before."

"Well, now they have. Anyway, whatya want?"

"Theres no Dave Matthews on this jukebox!"

Grendel slid back down into the booth.

"Of course not," he called out. "Its one of our three rules. Tell him our rules, Raph."

The bouncer groaned. Grendel actually expects me to memorize the employees manual?

"Uh first is we dont serve calamari."

"Hey!" An angry squid waved its tentacles in agitation.

"He means to eat," TTG, Grendels legal counsel, soothed.

"Second," Raphaels brow furrowed. "No Dave Matthews."

Gallagher crossed his arms angrily.

"Third " Raphael licked his lips. "No fat chicks?"

"No!" Grendel flung pool chalk at Starbreaker. "We dont allow line-dancing."

Gallagher, his face very red, stalked toward the door.

"No Dave Matthews? No calamari? This place bites! Im going to Hacks "

Grendel massaged his temples.

"I still say I should just have Hack killed "

Chapter Eighteen: Across my head.

Found my way downstairs
by The Jester

Joe Rice, now in full Jester regalia, walked down J Street, whistling. A man with a large
11 printed on his shirt walked by, babbling incoherently. When the Jester got to Joes, he
looked in the window. Joe was fuming about something, and The Temporary Guy looked
mischievous. He could hear crashes in the background.

"Surely theres excitement to be had here," he said, walking in. "Grendy! TTG! Hey, guys!
Whats up?"

"@$^%ing Hack and his @*$(ing bar, thats what! Hes suing me! I got him back, though.
Have me arrested, will he? Wait that law book Thej Ester .JEEEESTERRRR!"

The Jester took this (rightly so) as his cue to leave.

"Man. I better stay away from Mister No Soul for a while. Didnt think hed be the one
paying for that prank " Suddenly, the Jesters Oscillating Impregnatron (the device used by
the JLAshland to contact its members) went off. "Allllllright! An emergency! Something
to do! Woo-hoo!"

***

Justice League Ashland HQ, Ashland.

"You beeped me for WHAT?"

El Wood cringed.

"Uh, we finished updating the computer. Thought youd like to know. Are you mad?"

"No. Im not mad. Im just bored. I thought youd found something to do. Oh, well."

"Wanna play Duke Nukem?" Infinite Mike asked, deviously grinning.

"Thats OK, man. Ive learned not to play those games with you guys. Youre too good."

"Well, you could join the others, Joe."

"What others?"

"The other bored folks. Theyre in the rec room."

Entering the room, the Jester saw Leaguers amusing themselves in various ways. Kung
Fu was playing the Tekken 2 game. Adrenaline was filling out some application.
Bassmaster was watching a fishing show on TV and playing his bass. Girl Man was
combing his hair. Heartman was reading a collection of Jonathan Lethem short stories,
while Wonder Mormon and Ice Queen were reading trashy romance novels. The Battling
Beatnik was in the corner, writing something and drinking coffee. Bassmaster looked up.

"Hey, Joe. Anything goin on?"

"Nope. Nuthin."

"Great."

Wonder Mormon batted her eyes.

"Jooooe? How about you take us to J Street? Weve only been there for special occasions.
Never had the chance to poke around. Cmon, please?"

"Sure, OK. Ill show you guys around. I.M.! El Wood! Field trip time!"

"Whos gonna watch the monitor?"

"Its OK. We wont be gone for long."

"I dont know about this, Joe "

"Cmon, El Wood! Live a little!"

Chapter Nineteen:
IsThatAHorsesHead,OrAreYouJustGladToSeeMe?
by The Scarlet Mayor

Hacks Bar and Grill

Amazon, gail, Regina, and hellgirl held court in the bar from a central table where they
laughed, whispered and giggled over a quartet of pastel-colored "girl drinks" adorned
with elaborate decorative trappings. (Even hellgirl had given in and ordered a chili-
pepper Tequila daiquiri, with the worm from the bottom of the bottle speared on the tail
of a green plastic mermaid hooked over the edge of the glass.)

"This is terrific!" Amazon enthused. "Joe Grendel always refuses to serve fun drinks like
these!"

"Speaking of Grendel," Regina began, and then whispered something to her companions,
who burst into hysterical laughter.
"NO! (Snort!)," gail was beside herself. "Now why doesnt that surprise me?"

Chet sailed by with a tray of drinks.

"Are you ladies doing OK here?"

"Oh, yes, were fine!" Amazon said, flashing a big smile at Chet.

"We certainly are!" Regina burst out, and the four dissolved into helpless giggles.

"Dont forget," Chet added over his shoulder, "Macarena lessons at nine tonight!"

hellgirl followed him with her eyes as he walked away.

"Mmmmmmm!" she growled. "Like peaches in a wet paper bag!"

In a dark, secluded corner of the bar, Hack sat in a high-backed booth, conferring with a
barely-visible figure in the shadows. The red-clad mystery man spoke slowly and
deliberately, as he fed nachos to a pudgy rag doll in his arms.

"So, my friend. If I take care of this Joe Grendel for you, what will you do for me?"

"You name it, Your Honor! Ill be forever in your debt! You just say the word!" Hack said
earnestly. "But listen, were not talking about anything - you know - terminal, are we? I
mean, I just want that bar out of the way!"

"Dont worry, my friend. I will not harm Joe Grendel he may prove useful to me later on.
But I will see that your business flourishes! And someday, when I call on you, you will
pay me back "

The speakers eyes flashed with otherworldly fire as he threw his head back and laughed.

"AH HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!"

"AH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!"

"AH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!"

"You know," gail remarked to her friends as she glared at the source of the outburst, "The
one thing this place needs is a good bouncer!"

***

Meanwhile
Darkness cloaks the offices of the Mayor of J Street. Another shadowy figure scurries
from place to place like a rat, coming to rest in front of the computer on the mayors own
desk.

Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet crouched before the glowing box, and

began typing in his password.

!@#$%! he thought. Whose idea was it to use last names as passwords? Ill be here all
night!

"WRONG PASSWORD," the screen read. "PASSWORDS ARE CASE SENSITIVE -

BE SURE TO USE CORRECT UPPER AND LOWER CASE!"

Oh, for Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet fumed and typed again furiously.

Some time later, he accessed the files he was looking for.

"TOP SECRET!" the screen cautioned. "THE FOLLOWING QUICKTIME MOVIE

FILES CONTAIN EXTREMELY SENSITIVE MATERIAL INVOLVING PANTHEON
MEMBERS. NOT INTENDED FOR USE BY BLACKMAILERS!"

Pay dirt! Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet gloated. Now this may be just
what I need

He double-clicked on a file named "powricky.mov", then stared in fascination at a small,

grainy image of the Red Ricky and a life-sized Power Woman action figure.

Now thats an action figure! Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet thought

admiringly. My God, how can he possibly hold his breath for so long?

Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnets musings were interrupted by the slam of

the office door, followed by the overhead lights flickering on.

Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet spun around to face Ms. Kannen-Fauder,

who stood by the door staring at him with a look of uncertainty.

"I - I forgot my purse," she stammered.

Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet regarded the newcomer with cool

detachment.

"Im afraid youve caught me at a very bad time, my dear," Johannes van
Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet purred.
 Chapter Twenty: But Wait, Theres More!
by The Scarlet Mayor

J Street, Office of the Mayor

Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet smiled at Blanca Kannen-Fauder as his

finger hit the "DELETE" key on the mayors computer.

"I was just getting rid of some potentially dangerous material," he explained.
"Apparently, some Quicktime movies of various Pantheon members in extremely
embarrassing situations found their way accidentally onto this computer. Its not the kind
of thing wed want to see fall into the wrong hands."

"Gosh, thats very thoughtful of you!" Ms. Kannen-Fauder remarked.

"A good administrative assistant thinks of these things!" Johannes van

Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet said modestly. "But I was just about to go out for some
dinner. Perhaps, Ms. Kannen-Fauder, if you have no other pressing engagement, you
would care to join me?"

"Id love to!" she replied. "And please, call me Blanca."

Blanca Kannen-van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet she thought to herself, tentatively.

Not bad!

***

Later, a shadowy figure once again stood before the computer in the mayors office.

"Oh, no!" he cried out. "Someones erased all my movie files even the ones of Raphael
Starkiller (Choke!) I paid the monitor big bucks for those, too! @#$%^&*! Now Ill have
to start from scratch "

***
Grendels Pond
Bar and Grill

Joe Grendel stared at the mail.

"Proclamation? Since when does the mayor issue proclamations?"

"I dont think the mayors role has actually been clearly defined" OzBat began.

"What is this [extremely naughty word]? Alcohol may be served on one side of J Street
only? And my bar is on the wrong side?"
"Well just see about this," said Grendel menacingly.

Chapter Twenty-One: The Free Masons

by The Temporary Guy

"The way I see it were talking about a blatant disregard of your rights, Joe. Under the
constitution of these United States, anyone posessing a liquor license has the right to sell
liquor as he sees fit, provided its in accordance to the federal mandates. So you can go
ahead and keep selling." The Temporary Guy stood, proud of his legal know-how, even
prouder that for once he was more than comic relief in one of these bloody things.

Grendel shook his head.

"Well, thats all well and good, Clarence Darrow, but you seem to be forgetting one little
thing."

"Whats that?"

"J Street isnt necessarily part of the United States! It blinks around through dimensions,
remember? Thats why you had such an easy time finding an apartment!"

"I knew you were going to say that!" The Temporary Guy reached into briefcase and
pulled out a group of papers. "Joe, your situation is nothing new. Look at this Tyroc vs.
the Legion of Super-Heroes The People of the Marvel Universe vs. the Squadron
Supreme it clearly states that when a person or persons from one dimension are
inhabiting another dimension, regardless of the amount of time, that said person or
persons are expected to behave in accordance to the laws of that dimensional territory.
Therefore, Rob cant very well say that only one side of the street can sell booze, because
its not a law in the U.S.!"

"Hey," Grendel grabbed the papers, a smile coming to his face. "Youre right! Hack doesnt
have anything!"

"Im afraid youre wrong, Mr. Grendel!" The inhabitants of the bar turned to face the
steely-eyed glare of Perry Mason. "What my esteemed competition failed to tell you were
cases such as The Freedom Fighters vs. Earth-X or Captain James T. Kirk vs. The Mirror,
Mirror Universe. These cases clearly provide an exception to the rule. They say that if
acting according to laws in an established dimension will prove to be detrimental to you
or any in your party, or may cause injury or death, a person or persons may act in direct
violation of said dimensions rules." He paused and turned to the petite woman standing
behind him. "Della! Get me a sandwich!"

"Yes, Perry!"

"Make it a huge one. So you see, Mr. Grendel, the war is far from over. As a matter of
fact," he stepped forward and handed a slip of paper to Joe. "Youve even lost this battle."
"Whats this?"

"Its a summons. My client is counter-suing you for wrongful prosecution."

"Ooh!" The Temporary Guy winced. "Hes good."

"We are to meet at the J Street Courthouse in three days to resolve this once and for all.
Good day, gentlemen." He turned and left the bar, followed by Della, carrying a sandwich
roughly the size of a Yugo.

Grendel turned towards the Temporary Guy, his eyes blazing.

"Counter-sued? COUNTER-SUED?"

"Now, Joe I know this looks bad, but we can get around this."

"In three days?"

"Thats more than enough time, buddy! Hey, dont worry! Everything will be fine!" The
Temporary Guy pat Grendel on the shoulder, packed up his briefcase and walked out the
door, pausing just long enough to mutter, "Were screwed."

The Temporary Guy started left, which is too bad. If hed started right, he would have seen
Perry Mason, hiding in the alley behind the bar, speaking into his watch.

"Yes, master! I tell you, all is working perfectly!"

"Excellent!" the voice of Ralph Al Ghul slithered like Leona Helmsley. "And you say the
trial is in three days?"

"Yes, three days."

"Perfect. You and the Chet-clone are more than fulfilling my expectations. And when the
third member of the team arrives on J Street, the blood of the Pantheon will flow!"

"Third member? Who is that, master?"

"Oh, youll see. Youd best go, counselor. You have trial in three days."

"Mason out."

Ralph Al Ghul turned off his view screen and turned towards Chet, who cried, "Youll
never get away with this, you madman!"

"Oh, but I will, Chet. For you see, the trial of Joe Grendel will be the last of your precious
group of heroes!" He turned towards the black-robed clone that lay sleeping in a large
glass tube. "J Street will be mine at last. Isnt that right " he paused for dramatic effect.
"Judge Wapner?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Chapter Twenty-Two: Legislate THIS!

by Joe Grendel

The Mayoral Office

"Whereas the pocket dimension colloquially known as J Street has a random relation to
other external phenomenon and because said pocket dimension alters in appearance and
geography at irregular intervals, the mayoral proclamation of date-1 (regular dating
techniques also being unreliable) constitutes an unfairly vague prohibition and
furthermore infringes upon the rights of legal businesses without due compensation."

TSMayor looked up, his head swimming.

"TTG wrote this? Whys he working for Grendel?"

Johannes van Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet looked on worriedly.

"Uh, hes right you know: Issuing a decree like that is sort of pointless. And illegal. And
divisive."

"WHO ASKED YOU?" TSMayor snarled. "Its not like YOU were elected!"

"Well, neither were you "

TSMayor wadded up TTGs brief and hurled it at his assistant.

"Out, you Teutonic twerp!" TSMayors eyes fairly glowed with anger. "Ill get him for this.
Ill get them all."

***

Hacks Bar and Grill

The shadows deepened and the jukebox ground to a halt, restarting a moment later with a
swirl of synthesizers and the sounds of Donna Summer. Points of light swirled through
the room, as though an invisible disco ball were flinging light everywhere.

A pale androgynous figure, dressed in a form-hugging black suit and an open-necked

shirt, stood in the middle of the room, smoking a joint.
"Well, hello, people! Its time to get " it wiggled its pelvis obscenely. "FUNKY! Disco of
the Endless is here to turn up the heat on this tired joint! Its a blank canvas we are gonna
make into FUNKYTOWN!"

The she-Pantheon and the rest of the patrons looked on in shock. [See "Pantheon Plus"
#2, for more on Disco of the Endless.] Hack reached for his rapidly depleting bottle of
Tums.

"Grendels behind this, I just know it "

Chapter Twenty-Three: Drunk Man Walking

The Temporary Guy

Justice. Thats what it was all going to come down to. But justice for who? Would it be
justice for Hack, a newcomer to J Street, just trying to make a buck? Would it be justice
for Joe Grendel, a J Street mainstay who was practically a founding father of the
community? Or would there be justice for no one? Heavy issues. And these issues
weighed on the Temporary Guys mind like Roseanne. He was in for the fight of his life.
And he was going to need some help.

As he entered his apartment (or the "Temp-Cave" as he liked to call it), he threw his
briefcase to the ground and flopped down on the tattered couch. His former sidekick,
Recessive Gene, was back at the asylum hed escaped from. The Jester was busy with his
other team, the Justice League of Ashland. There was no one else he could turn to. He

Jonn!

The Temporary Guy was suddenly out of his apartment and racing down J Street towards
Grendels. Bursting through the door, he saw the Martian sitting in a booth, enjoying an
Oreo shake. He came up and slid into the booth.

"Jonn!" he gasped, out of breath.

"Hello, Temporary Guy. Can I help you with something?"

"Actually, you can." The Temporary Guy composed himself. "You worked with my
father, didnt you?"

"Career-Minded Man? Ah, yes, those were the days." Jonn turned towards the window,
gazing out of it as if the past were recreating itself before him. "The Silver Age was a
much simpler time, Temp. Your father hired me in my detective guise to help locate
various criminals, whom he then put behind bars in the courts. This was, of course, before
anyone had heard of O.J. Simpson or the Menendez Brothers. It was almost fun."
"Jonn, I need your help. I need you to look into this Hack guy. Whats his background?
Wheres he from? Why did he show up on J Street when he did? Jonn," The Temporary
Guy motioned to the bar around him. "Grendels Pond may just depend on what you find."

Jonn took a long, contemplative sip of his shake. He looked at the Temporary Guy for a
second.

"Ill do it. But you must promise me something."

The Temporary Guy looked at him.

"What?"

As Jonn morphed into a human form, complete with trenchcoat and fedora, he smirked
quickly at the Temporary Guy.

"Tell your dad I say hi."

The Temporary Guy watched the Martian walk out the door. Who knows exactly what he
would find? All he could do now was wait

and prepare for the case.

Chapter Twenty-Four: The appeals court and the OzBat!

by Hack
Grendels Pond
Bar and Grill

WHUMP.

"Whats this?" growled Grendel, attempting to glare at the man behind the ten foot tall
stack of papers. "You better get your butt and your stupid [CENSORED] papers out of
here, Hack!"

"This, Mr. Grendel, is a court order. You are to appear in court immediately."

"J Street doesnt have a court."

"Yes, it does. I specifically recommended to the kind Scarlet Mayor that he start one. You
know what he said?"

"What?"

"Excellent idea. But who shall we have as judge?"

"Uh-oh."

Hack smiled.

"I, the Honorable Hack Emery, will see you in court, Mr. Grendel."

"But you cant DO this! Conflict of interests!"

Hack shook his head.

"Aint in the book. You can suggest it to the court, who will rule on whether the law
should be approved or not."

"Ill shove these papers down your [CENSORED], you [CENSORED][CENSORED] son
of a [CENSORED]ing [CENSORED]. I oughta [CENSORED] your [CENSORED]
[CENSORED], CENSORED]!"

Hack whipped out a notepad and jotted something down. Grendel frowned at him.

"What are you doing, [CENSORED]?"

"The Scarlet Mayor recently proposed a law banning all foul language. I approved it."

"What about [CENSORED] Girl?"

"Shes heckgirl now. Didnt like it much, tho."

Grendel lifted a machete and tossed it at Hack. Hack grinned and linked it at the huge
rack of drinks.

"AAAAA!" screamed Grendel. "MY DRINKS!"

OzBat BAMFed into the room.

"Where were you, you [CENSORED]?" Grendel cried. "AND GET THAT [CENSORED]
BOUNCER OVER HERE TO TOSS HACK ON HIS BUTT!"

As OzBat disappeared in search of the bouncer, Grendel turned.

"Ill get you for this. I had drinks from all over the multiverse, and I promise you, theres
NO WAY the appeals court is going to agree with your ruling."

"Appeals court?"

Grendel grinned evilly.

"Buh bye!"

***

The Scarlet Mayors office

KA-WHUMP.

KA-BUMP.

KA-SLAM.

"Whos out there?" the acting mayor called. He opened the door and looked at the two
struggling figures outside. "What are you two doing?"

"Fighting. Isnt it obvious?" Grendel swung at Hack, who ducked and launched a flying
kick. Grendel grabbed his foot, and yanked it up.

Hack twisted and slammed against the ground. Shaken, he began to pick himself up.
Grendel charged forward, and Hack dropped to the ground. He tossed Grendel over his
shoulders, and the bar tender rolled down the stairs.

Grendel charged back up, and threw Hack off the balcony. Hack grabbed onto the railing,
but Grendel began to stomp on his

"STOP!" shouted Scarlet Mayor. "BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF IMMEDIATELY!"

"Sir, Id like to " SHOVE!

"Mr. Mayor, I would appreciate it " BAM!

"I, Hack would " GRUNT!

"I, Joe Grendel, would appreciate it if you " THUMP!

" like it if you let me also "

"Next person who shoves gets thrown in jail," growled Scarlet Mayor.

"Sir, Id like it if you placed me in charge of the appeals court for J Street," they both said
simultaneously.

"But Hack, youre already the regular judge."

"Yes, but I feel that Mr. Grendel is incapable of taking on the awesome burden of being a
judge. Why, hes not versed in J Street law, hes not even lawyer!"
"Neither are you," pointed out the Mayor.

"Yes I am. In Hollywood, anyway."

"Hack is just hungry for power. Why, hed probably be after YOUR job next, sir. I think "

"He tries, but it hurts his brain," muttered Hack.

"Shut up! I think that you should definitely not allow Hack to be placed in a position of
power. I feel that I am clearly the best candidate "

Hack erupted into snickers (no, not the candy bar).

" for this position."

"Hmm. Well, I dont know."

"Ill give you 10 free drinks at my bar and grill!" said Grendel.

"Ill give you 20 drinks, AND a 50 dollar bill!"

"Ill give you 50 free drinks, fifty bucks, and stock in my bar!"

"ILL give you free drinks for a YEAR, a 100 bucks, AND stock in my bar, plus a box of
those nifty little umbrellas!"

"Well, ILL give you free drinks for a year, a hundred bucks, AND 51 percent stock in my
bar, PLUS the box of umbrellas AND those cool straws!"

"Ill give you all of the above stated stuff, AND all of Grendels above stated stuff!"

"Both of you SHUT UP!" yelled a very annoyed Mayor. "Out! Out! Out! All of you, get
your lousy [CENSORED] out of my office!"

They got out.

***

Back at Grendels.

"Thats it. Ill kill im. Ill axe him to death. Ill stick a "

"Boss, boss, calm down. Calm DOWN." OzBat looked around wildly. Grendel was busy
chugging down his drink and considering the best way to seriously injure Hack.
Ah, there they were. Mickey. Strong, but it would have to do. OzBat grabbed the mickey
and slipped it in Grendels drink.

"Whuzzat?" growled Grendel. "Whatd you just slip in my drink?"

"Ah, er, a, mild sedative." It was true. In the mood Grendel was in, the mickey would just
make him calm down. Sort of.

"YOU SLIPPED A SEDATIVE IN MY DRINK?"

"Well, boss, Im attempting to calm you down, see, and Ill "

***

Back at Hacks.

"Earnings are going up pretty well, Chet," said Hack. "Look, see, were getting 45 percent
of all the customers here. I figure if we "

Ever wonder what the sound of a flying little imp is? Hack and Chet found out.
Unfortunately, they also found out what the sound of an OzBat crashing through the roof
sounds like, as well as the sound of an OzBat crashing against the table, and Hacks
carefully prepared list of earnings and losses in the current quarter.

"Hey, you little imp!" yelled Chet. "Look what you did! You ruined the table! And the
roof! And the table!"

"Sorry, sorry," said OzBat, hurriedly brushing himself off. "Grendel got a little unhappy
with me, you know, and he sort of threw me over here."

"All the way from across the street?" asked Hack.

"Yeah."

"Hes got quite an arm."

"Yeah. Look, Im gonna need to sneak back, cause if Jeannie sees me, shell think I lost my
job at Grendels, and "

"How much is he paying you?"

OzBat stated the figure.

"Thats not much. Here, Ill give you a fourth more," said Hack. "You get a raise for good
work."
"A RAISE? Whoa!"

Chet grabbed Hacks arm and dragged him behind the bar.

"Hack, we cannot afford to pay him, now that he just went through the roof and the
table."

"Shh. Dont think short term, think long term. We got one of Grendels on OUR side. The
more, the merrier. Dont forget, if Grendels out of business, we CAN afford it, and more!"

"Oh."

"And if he does really good, hell earn his pay. I could use a bouncer."

They stood.

"Youre in, little guy, if you want to be."

"I dont know, Jeannie wont like this "

"Come on, you can buy the lady a nice necklace. Heck, heres an advance."

Hack handed OzBat the money for a nice necklace.

"Are you always this nice with bartenders?" asked OzBat.

"Usually, unless they cough, cough keep going through my roof and destroying property."

"Sorry. Wont happen again."

"Glad to hear it, Ozzy."

Chapter Twenty-Five
by OzBat!

Joe Grendel straightened up the back of the bar after Hacks little linkage stunt. He then
turned around and motioned to Raphael and Jeannie at the window, binoculars in hand:

"How are things going?"

"As predicted, Ozziekins just accepted a job a Hacks. I cant tell from this distance
whether its to pay off the damage to the roof and tables, or just to p!$$ you off though!"

"Doesnt matter. Hack just earned himself a WHOLE lot of trouble"

"I thought he just made YOU a whole lot of trouble?"

"Jeannie, mdear, lets look at this in perspective" smirked Grendel. "Hack has himself a
hole in his roof and smashed tables. The Temporary Guy should be at his scarlet
mayorialships office right now, lodging an injunction against Hack on the grounds that
his establishment is flimsy, dangerous, and never passed a safety inspection!"

"Oooooh! Good one!"

"It gets better! Hack has actually done me an additional service " Grendel paused for
dramatic effect;

"Who do you think now has to deal with OzBat while hes as high as a kite on caffeine?"

***

Behind the bar at Hacks, OzBat is reading Superman/Silver Surfer #1, with some
difficulty as the coffee-addictive shakes make it hard to keep the page still: "Im glad I
dont run into those two idiots whenever I pass through that dimensional staging point!"

Chet turned around, not quite understanding the reference.

Polishing the jukebox at the far end of the room, his eyes bugging out with a fever pitch
not seen since Jonn Jonzz wacked out on Oreos on a road trip, OzBat said "I mean The
Impossible man and Mr Mxl Mixallplic Mixuplick ahhh, that twit that hassles Superman
all the time!"

OzBat3, at roof height and buffing the chandelier after moving it away from the crude
new skylight, agreed: "At least I got to star in a more up-market publication!"

The Kingdom Come Batmite, peering out of the display on the cash register, beamed
proudly.

"My crowning achievement!"

The Legends Of The Dark Knight (Mite) BatMite grudgingly agreed, but only because
Bob Overdog ruined his audition for the part when he turned up in the Knightsend Bat
Armor. Irritated, he threw his order pad at the Hanna-Barbera BatMite, whom none of
the currently co-existing variant personalities could quite stand.

OzBat: Warrior, Mite-ily morphed into a nine-foot Vuldarian figure complete with bat-
cowl and cape, righted another table, then broke it when he sat on it and fired a few
plasma
rounds at the Smurfs Funeral procession walking solemnly down the middle of the road.
OzBat8 balanced on one foot in mid-air with 10 schooner glasses balanced on his nose,
while another couple of imps slipped by on the floor with wet mops, and if you looked
closely at the corner booth, some suspiciously familiar Mites in a semi-tangible state
were cheating at cards.

Hacks eyes bulged wide in disbelief, as glasses came crashing down, the noise throwing
the big ones aim off and blasting one of the swinging doors off its hinges again; an imp
swinging from the chandelier was distracted, missing his mark, crashing through the
second chandelier which until now had remained untouched by the carnage. Yet another
figure in an ill-fitting Batman costume with a big bright green Oz map on his chest tried
to escape the raining glass by grabbing an improperly pilfered jet-powered skateboard out
of a battered old travel bag but was unprepared for the sudden acceleration, rushing
through beneath Chets legs and heading for the Aquarium in the corner.

With impending doom in the offing, Alvin-pitched gasps of "aaaahhhhh NO!" "Gasp!"
"Who put that bloody thing there!" "Leggo my cape, ya idjit!" etc errupted, and then
literally hordes of smallish characters began bamfing and popping or blipping in and out
of harms way; small explosions of imploding air and smoke heralding arrivals and
disappearances and slowly filling the breathable air and billowing out the doors into the
street

***

Grendel, Jeannie and Raphael sat laughing around a table at the feature window.

"Oh, youve gotta love him!"

"No, youve got to love him, Ive just got to get him straightened out before his next shift
tomorrow!"

And the three of them laughed again as across the road, a second hole appeared in Hacks
roof as a large black Transformer robot, big green OzMap symbol painted boldly on its
chest, stood upright accidentally to avoid breaking the bar whilst in car mode and said
"Whooops!"

Chapter Twenty-Six: Meanwhile

by Hank

Hank The Snowboarder, having just recently arrived in J Street, wanders the city, looking
around at all the strange sights the pan-dimensional pocket reality had to offer. Which is
quite a bit.

The Snowboarding Hank wandered around J street, trying to take in all that he saw. He
saw birds flying upside down under the streets, and marmosets taking the bus, and
dinosaurs walking on their hind legs pushing hot-dog carts. Stranger still, weird robot hot
dogs seemed to follow the carts, carrying protest signs. Weird.

Hank saw a strange, multi-colored sky that in one instance was night, yet in the next was
day. The amazing thing about the flicking sky, though, was how the street lamps
coordinated their flicking with the skys flicking. The sky went black, the lights came on.
The sky went light, the lights went out. Strange.

Gosh, thought Hank.

(Needless to say, Hank is not necessarily the swiftest of eagles. Editors note)

Hank sat with his snowboard on the side of the road, wondering just what the holy heck
was going on. One minute, he was snowboarding down a road in his hometown of
Bellinghamster. The next, he suddenly appeared in this kooky place. Then, some big dork
at a bar threw him into the street. Hank didnt think that was very fair.

Especially since the bouncer didnt even bother to check his ID. Hank furrowed his
eyebrows.

Theres something familiar about that guy, thought Hank. Shrugging his shoulders yet
again, Hank rose from the sidewalk and continued to wander down the Street of J.

***

Hank walked, marveling at the strange architecture. The only analogy his mind could
construct to explain the strange conglomeration of buildings was, basically, that
everything here looked like things in New York.

(If the city of New York ever had hemorrhoids and had been designed by a Frenchman,
perhaps. The editor)

Hank walked, then bumped into a wall. Hank considered this rather strange, since he
hadnt actually planned on walking into a wall. He looked up.

He saw nothing in front of him, then continued to walk. Again, he felt like hed bumped
into a wall.

Except that this time, when he walked into the invisible wall, it went, "Umph, watch
where youre walking, please."

Hank blinked for a moment. He pushed on the invisible wall again.

"Stop that," the invisible wall said. Hanks eyes went wild. He pushed again. Again, Hank
heard the voice, except that this time it was in his mind.
*Stop THAT! Im trying to do surveillance,* the invisible wall said inside Hanks head.
Hank could feel his brain slipping far away, to that place it would go whenever he
encountered something too strange to comprehend. His mind always raced around,
panicked, trying to find some lost memory or something. But, the thoughts never seemed
to find a home, and Hank always remained just a bit confused.

"Stop stop what Mr. Invisible Wall?" said Hank.

Hank, look, Im a little busy to play right now. Im busy," The Invisible Wall said to Hanks
brain.

"I dont want to play, how do you know, my name? Youre invisible? What?" Hank
babbled.

Rotflol! For the love of all thats green and holy ," The Invisible Wall said, as it slowly
became invisible. And, much to Hanks surprise, it wasnt really an Invisible Wall at all.

It was actually a big Green Bald Guy wearing some briefs, a cape and some boots.

"Hank? Whats happened to you?" The Martian Manhunter said.

Hanks brain, unable to comprehend or deal with all of the strangeness, finally gave it all
up, and sent his consciousness on a much needed nap.

Hmm, a mystery to be solved at a later date, perhaps, thought the large Martian. He
picked up the little man (relatively speaking) in the Gortex jacket, and flew him into the
sky.

Ill just leave Hank at his apartment, and we can figure out why he looks like a wuss later,
thought Jonn.

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Property damages

by Hack

Hacks Bar and Grill

Hack peered through the binoculars.

"Ah-HA," he said, grinning. "Just as I suspected!"

He turned and walked downstairs.

"Chet," he said. "Hand me the Folgers Crystals."

The bar fell silent. All 32 OzBats and Co. fell silent, although they still shook visibly.
"T-t-t-the F-f-folgers C-c-rystals?" cried The Wizard of OzBat. "YOU DONT HAVE
THOSE HERE, DO YOU?"

Sirens. Hack grinned.

"Ozzy, you have exactly five seconds to DEPART IMMEDIATELY by immediately,

I mean IMMEDIATELY or else I will shove this stuff down your throat. AND DONT
BREAK ANYTHING on the way out. Head to the roof."

BAMF.

Chet glanced at his watch.

"Twenty one-hundreths of a second. Not bad, Hack."

"Thanks. Now, to the rooftop!"

***

Grendels Pond Bar and Grill

"Whats he doing? I dont see him, OR the Ozzies. Where did he go?" asked Jeannie.

"I dunno," said Grendel. "But hed better think quick, or else hes gonna have his hide in
jail."

***

The roof of Hacks Bar and Grill.

"FAAAALL IN!"

The Ozzies fell in.

"I AM HOLDING YOU UNDER THE THREAT OF A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH,
NAMELY FOLGERS CRYSTALS. WHEN I SAY POOP, YOU SAY, WHAT COLOR?
WHEN I SAY JUMP, YOU SAY, HOW HIGH.

"YES SIR, HACK SIR!" the 34 OzBats said hurriedly. They did NOT wish to attempt
stomaching Folgers Crystals.

"YOU WILL REPAIR ALL DAMAGE TO MY BAR AND GRILL IMMEDIATELY.

YOU WILL RETURN TO HERE WHEN DONE."

"Done," said OzBart Simpson. "Dont worry, man."

"Chet, go check."

"Looks fine to me," said Chet. "Nice work."

Hack nodded.

"And just in time, too."

MacTyson came to a screeching halt and leapt out.

"Stay here," whispered Hack. "Drill Seargant Chet will have you practice your uh,
bamfing."

Hack linked into the bar and grill.

"Howdy, officer. May I see a card showing your age, please? You dont want to serve
under-aged minors, after all."

"Yup. Say, this place is real nice."

"Thanks." Hack smiled. "I do my best to run a neat and clean establishment."

***

Grendels Pond Bar and Grill

"The bars fixed."

"WHAT? Let me see!" Grendel grabbed the binoculars out of Raphaels hands. "How did
he DO that?"

"Maybe its an illusion. He could be a psi."

"Jeannie, sorry about this, but I think youre in trouble."

"Why?"

"Cause MacTyson is gonna come over HERE, and hes going to get you, because hes
gonna think you made a crank call."

"I got an idea," said Jeannie, grinning.

***

Hacks Bar and Grill

"Huh. This place is great. And to think Jeannie complained about this place."

Hacks eyes widened, although you couldnt see it behind the shades he always wore.

"Oh, Im sure this call must have been made by one JOSEPH GRENDEL," said Hack
cheerfully. "He is SUCH a kidder. Dont bother to bring him in, you know, Im sure he was
just JOKING, he probably didnt MEAN to make you WASTE YOUR TIME."

"No, no, it was Jeannie. I better go over there and yell at her."

"Nonetheless, she needs to be taught a lesson."

After MacTyson left, Hack collapsed against the bar. This was going to be a lot harder
battle than he thought. Grendel had a lot of friends.

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Behold the terror that is WAPNER!

by Joe Grendel

The Office of the Mayor.

"What a pair of goons! What ultra-maroons!"

A knock at the door.

"Yer honor?" Blanca looked in uncertainly. Shed heard about power corrupting, but this
was getting a little spooky. She could swear she smelt brimstone. "Mister Mayor? Theres
a man here to see you."

"I am HERE!" Judge Wapner swished into the room, his black robe swishing about him
in a most impressively swishy manner. "J Streets judge!"

"Er, appeals judge." TSMayor shrugged.

"WHAT?" He swished in confusion. "Ralph, I mean, I understood I would be the only

judge on the street!"

"Eh. You try to control these goof-balls."

***

Hacks Bar and Grill

Chet rubbed his eyes. The cigarette smoke, Bee Gees music and smell of Brut (by
Faberge) was getting to him. Stupid Endless. Couldnt do a thing about getting rid of
them. Disco just laughed off all the links Hack called up. At least now he was sitting in
the corner with the Solid Gold dancers and leaving everyone alone.
"Boss? Maybe J Street wasnt the best idea you ever had."

Hack, who was busy pulling a particularly friendly OzBat off one lady patrons lovely
calf, sighed loudly. He flung the imp into one of the ferns Disco had decorated the place
with. OzBat had been disciplined for about 30 seconds after McTyson left. Hack didnt
know that hed accomplished a minor wonder in so doing.

"Im not letting Grendel win. Im not."

A figure materialized in the center of the bar.

"This has gone on long enough!"

***

Elsewhen.

The planet Coruscant, in the Star Wars universe.

The figure stepped up to the steel desk, handing across a document.

"Im here for La Belle Dame Sans Merci."

The clerk, an unctuous (look it up) little amphibian stared goggle-eyed at the figure.
(Well, he was goggle-eyed all the time, but he was especially goggle-eyed in this case.)

"Thats Jo Grendal, the Imperial privateers ship. Are you the executor of her will?"

The figure glared at the clerk, who fumbled to approve the document.

"Lets just say Im taking charge of her estate," was all he said. Document in hand, he
turned and marched back up the ramp to the spacedock. A woman, wrapped in a heavy
hooded robe, slipped up next to him.

"You got my ship back?" The light struck her face, hidden deep within the folds of her
cloak, briefly, illuminating a network of knife scars and the mark of what appeared to be
a bullet wound. "I dont know how youve done any of this, but if theres any way I can
repay you "

"Your service will be payment enough. Now, be quiet. We have more stops to make
before we visit our vengeance upon Mr. Grendel."

But that is a story for another day

***
Grendels Pond Bar and Grill

The jukebox was playing White Zombie.

Jeannie had hidden from MacTyson as a pink cloud in the ventilation system. The officer,
who was beginning to think the Bronx didnt look so bad, had stormed out in disgust.

TTG and Grendel passed the glassed back and forth while Jeannie buzzed around the bar,
serving the rather perplexed customers. (Special today on crab meat quesadillas and on
the jerk chicken wings: Half-price before 9 p.m.)

"Can you see anything?" She asked in a spare moment.

"No." TTG frowned. "Those stupid ferns, and the fog machine, make it impossible to see
whats going on."

"This," came a voice, "Is about over."

TTG and Grendel turned as a figure materialized in the middle of the bar (disturbing the
Red Ricky and Red Monster, who were busy with a game of pool).

"Jonn?" The Martian held a squirming Hack in his arms. The rival bartender began to
summon a link when Jonn gently zapped him telepathically, causing it to fizzle. "You two
have been set up from the start. A sinister foe has manipulated events, creating ill-will
between the two of you, keeping things at a boil, trying to get you two to destroy the
Pantheon itself so that he may conquer J Street."

"Oog." Hack added. "Dont do that again. My stomach couldnt take it."

"Shut the [bad, bad word] up," The Temporary Guy snarled, reverting to his old ways,
"Who are you talking about?"

"I speak of none other," Jonn said dramatically, "Than RALPH AL GHUL!"

Grendel pondered this.

"Ralph the Demon?" He looked and shrugged at TTG. "I speak Arabic. Abdul Aziz taught
me."

TTG resisted the urge to shake Grendel senseless.

"Who the [whoa, Nelly, now THIS is a REALLY bad word] is Ralph Al Ghul?"

The door slammed open.

"Your DOOM!" Laughed Judge Wapner, pointing a LAW rocket at the rivals. TSMayor,
an infernal light burning in his eyes, stood behind him, an Uzi pointed at them as well.
"Your doom "

Grendel glared at Hack.

"I should have killed you when I had the chance "

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Valhalla on J Street

by Mope

The empty loft above the office of the mayor.

The large superhero named Captain Pantheon still laid passed out on the floor where he
had fainted, and where The Scarlet Mayor had left him.

***

Elsewhere

Mickey OPeigh, who had earlier found herself transformed into the mysterious new hero
named Captain Pantheon, found herself now walking through a misty cityscape. It
definitely felt like a dream to her.

She came upon a mystical looking bar. The title of the bar was hard to make out.

A large group of hazily silhouetted hero-like figures were assembled in the bar. Before
them, two figures were visible clearly. They were a armored White Knight and Unca
Mope! The other figures were all hard to make out clearly, but they seemed to include a
floating elf, a man wearing a fedora, a pair of tall bald Martians, and other strange
silhouettes.

Mope (I) stepped forward to give Mickey a hug.

Mope: Hey. (smiled) Thanks for dropping by. Welcome to Valhalla on J Street. Hope you
dont stay. (laughs slightly, then sees Mickey didnt reciprocate) Sorry, thats a "dead" joke.

Mickey: This is all too much. Im happy to see you, Unc but whats GOING on?

Mope: This is our Valhalla. The heroes you see behind me are known as "The Pantheon,"
and in their time, they were the great defenders of J Street. All great things come to an
end however, and so here we all are.

Mickey: The Pantheon is DEAD?

Mope: Oh, no, certainly not in your time. No, no we come to you from a indefinite time
sometime far in the future when most of the Pantheon is dead Youd be surprised whos all
here actually

Mickey: Uh huh. So why did I turn into a big superhero when I said your name
pronounced phonetically. ("M-O-Peigh")

Mope: You became Captain Pantheon, the chosen representative of our available power to
help the Pantheon in their coming battles. You familiar with SHAZAM?

Mickey: Uh, I think so, barely.

Mope: Well, SHAZAM summons forth the power of Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus,
Achilles, and Mercury. Unfortunately, we didnt have quite those kind of power-hitters at
our disposal, so instead, Captain Pantheons powers are derived from the Valhalla versions
of other heroes.

Mickey: Like who?

Mope: Well, I cant completely disclose that, but you have the "flight of OzBat," "speed of
Buried Alien," and the indestructibility of someone I cant mention. (Mope looks back at
the Valhalla Pantheon and gets a series of nods, etc.)

Mickey: So what can this Captain Pantheon do?

Mope: Well, like I said, you can fly really fast and hes virtually indestructible physically,
but

Mickey: But? What?

Mope: Well, we had trouble getting physical strength to transfer back to your time very
well, so Captain Pantheon is not super-strong, just about how strong a fairly-pumped up
guy would be which in superhero-terms is pretty darn weak. We figure youll just have to
"bluff" to make villains think youre stronger than you are. (Mope smiles defensively)

Mickey considers it

Mickey: Hmmm but theres ONE problem. You made me a GUY. You HAD to make me a
GUY?

Mope: Ah hey, Im sorry about that. No, we knew that could be extremely unnerving at
times, so yeah, you can become "Ms. Pantheon" by just saying "M. OPeigh" twice
instead of once. I know being a "superhero" will be hard to adjust too, but I also knew
that maybe this change could be the perfect "escape" for you from the doldrums of your
frustrating teenage life.
Mickey: Yeah, I see what you mean. Itll be nice to just "be someone else" occasionally.

Mope: Just watch out for that skirt. The Pantheon is loaded with testosterone with no
place to go. (The assembled Valhalla Pantheon giggles to themselves.)

The White Knight steps forward, draws his sword.

SC White Knight: Please kneel. (Mickey kneels, throwing Mope a kind of "whats up with
this?" look)

SC White Knight: In the name of the Pantheon, I dub thee Captain Pantheon, defender of
J Street. Go forth and, you know, like defend.

Mickey gets up, straightening and dusting off her jeans. (Obviously they dont dust much
in Valhalla).

Mope: Well be here for you time to time to guide you. You can say "M.OPeigh" while
you are Captain Pantheon to bring yourself here. (looks back at the Pantheon again) Itll
usually work. :)

Mickey: So, I guess Ill be on my way then?

Mope: OK. Hey, its been nice to see you again. Take care, OK?

Mickey: OK. I miss you, you know.

Mope: Just be careful out there! Im sure youll do OK.

Mickey heads for the door.

Mope: Oh, and Mickey? You might want to try to change to Captain Pantheon outside
from now on. That lightning bolt can cause very bad property damage.

Mickey: You got it, Unc! (looks past Mope to the Valhalla Pantheon) Thanks guys.

Mickey leaves the Valhalla Pub.

***

The empty loft above The Office of the Mayor.

Mickey OPeigh now lies where Captain Pantheon passed out. She wakes up, dusts herself
off, and heads back up the stairs to her fourth floor loft hangout
 Chapter Thirty: Wapner We Gonna Do?
by The Temporary Guy

He stood before them, a sick, twisted glimmer emerging from his eyes. He eyed his
potential victims Joe Grendel, Jonn, the Temporary Guy, Hack and all of the patrons of
Grendels Pond. He held the uzi in his trembling hand, ready to shower the party with hot
lead. He was deadly. He was dangerous.

He was Judge Joseph P. Wapner.

"Great shades of Dusty the Bailiff!" the Temporary Guy shouted, not so much out of fear
than to get any "Peoples Court" references out of the way. "Its Judge Wapner!"

Grendel eyed him cautiously.

"What do you want, old man?"

Wapner giggled maniacally, an unnerving sight considering hed never even smiled on the
show.

"Isnt it obvious, Mr. Grendel? The complete and total acquisition of J Street for my lord
and master, Ralph Al Ghul."

"You serve some guy named Ralph?" the Temporary Guy asked.

"Theres no time for that now, Temporary Guy." Jonn stepped forward. "You have one
chance, Wapner. Surrender. Now."

"Oh, I had hoped to meet you, Martian. I did so want to show you my uzis special flame-
throwing feature!" Wapner pressed a button, and a crimson stream of flame arced its way
towards the Martian.

Suddenly, the doors burst open. In a burst of wind, a figure, moving almost too fast for
the eyes to follow, knocked the gun from Wapners hands and pushed him away, sending
him tumbling to the floor. This man was the purest essence of hero-hood. He looked at
the gathered heroes and flashed a smile that reminded all of the dad from "My Three
Sons."

"Oh great," the Temporary Guy muttered. "Its Hasselhoff."

"No, its not." Grendel stepped forward. "Its someone else."

"The name is Captain Pantheon, Mr. Grendel."

He just stared at him.

"Captain?"

"Pantheon?" Jonn finished.

Grendel turned towards the Temporary Guy.

"I knew we should have gotten that name trademarked."

Jonn started forward.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"Well, lets just say Im the friend of a friend, and Im here to help."

"Yes, and speaking of our situation," The Temporary Guy grabbed Wapner by the robe.
"OK, Judge-boy, spill it! What other secrets does your master have for us?"

"Ill never talk."

"Oh, you dont need to talk." Grendel walked towards him, a smirk on his face. "Jonn?
Scan him!"

Jonn stared at Wapner, concentrated, then turned towards Hack.

"That man you have in your bar "

"Chet?" Hack, whod been sitting in a corner booth rubbing his temples, looked up. "What
about him?"

"Hes an impostor. The real Chet is located in Ralph Al Ghuls secret fortress. The Chet
you have working for you? Hes a spy."

"Youre kidding!"

"Thats not all Perry Mason is also working for Ralph."

"I knew it!" the Temporary Guy snarled.

"Hey!" Hack spoke up. "We need to go get Chet. Thats my little buddy in there!"

Grendel stepped into the ring of heroes that had formed.

"OK, clearly we need a plan. Jonn, you go get OzBat, and take care of Chet. Hack, you
have this whole linking-thing crap power, right?"

Hack glared at him.

"Sure Joe. Whatever you say."

"Great. Hack, link up to Ralph Al Ghuls computer. You, me, Captain Pantheon and the
rest of us will go to his fortress and rescue Chet. As for Mason "

"Hes mine," the Temporary Guy muttered.

"OK fine. Jonn, establish a mental link with us. When you finish with the evil Chet, if
were not back yet, you round up as many heroes as you can and come after us."

"Right."

"OK, lets go!" Grendel started towards the door.

"Grendel! What about the mayor?"

"Well deal with him when we get back! Until then its hurtin time."

Chapter Thirty-One: Bushwhacked in Baquash!

by Joe Grendel

The desert realm of Baquash.

Hack, Grendel, OzBat, Jonn and Captain Pantheon appeared amidst the swirling sands.

"Its hurtin time?" Grendel rubbed his jaw. "What possessed me to say THAT?"

"Say," OzBat said after a moment, "Didnt Wapner have TSMayor with him in the bar?"

"Well," Jonn rumbled, "He skeedaddled between chapters."

"Skeedaddled?" Grendel raised an eyebrow. Jonn only shrugged.

"So, do any of you heroes have an idea what to do now?" Hack spit out a mouthful of
sand.

***

J Street. The office of the mayor.

TSMayor flew in through the window, turning visible as he did so.

"Contingency plan," he gasped. "Firepower. Contact allies. Beat puny Pantheon."

Blanca Kannen-Fauder knocked on the door.

"Mister Mayor? Ill be going home. The freezing rain is going to make the commute a
little long "

It was at this moment that The Temporary Guy swung through the window, utilizing his
new Temp-Belts Temporary Line.

"Hold it right there, Rob, or whoever-you-are!"

In a movement almost too fast to follow, TSMayor had grabbed Kannen-Fauder and
pointed a gun snatched from a drawer.

"Hold it yourself, Guy! Or I use this trophy from an as-yet-untold Pantheon adventure to
paint the walls of this office red!"

***

Baquash.

"Have you been able to interface with Ralphs computer system?" Jonn asked.

"No, no I havent. Itd help if we actually found one. Where do we go from here?"

Grendel looked at Captain Pantheon, and tapped OzBat on the shoulder.

"Doesnt he look awfully familiar?"

"HEY!" Hack shrieked. "Arent we gonna go kick Ralphs butt and rescue Chet?"

The sand exploded around them and Ralphs desert ninjas [Ninjas? In a desert? Oh, hush,
if you can accept Captain Pantheon, you can give us desert ninjas!] leapt upon them with
drawn scimitars.

"I would guess the answer to be no," Jonn quipped in that dry Martian way of his, and the
battle was joined.

Chapter Thirty-Two: Who turned out the lights?

by OzBat!

The Temporary Guy halted. Quickly. This wasnt in the superhero-handbook! Well, it was,
saving hostages and all, but wasnt it usually the bad guys who did this kind of thing? The
Scarlet Mayorial Rob was supposedly a member of the Pantheon, in good standing!
Except for those multiple personality problems, but Hey! We all go through a rough spot
sometimes
The Scarlet Hostage-Taker smirked; his eyes glowed with an evil fiery flickering that was
mesmerizing in an odd sort of way. Well, it would have been mesmerizing, if only all
those damn tribbles flooding the sidewalk outside werent filling the window frame,
putting TTGs concentration off. TSR didnt have to worry about concentration for much
longer however, as the window suddenly gave way and a tribble tsunami swept him off
his feet waves and waves of them forcing him towards the back wall, pining him against
the bookcase. Unfortunately, the bookcase, or the back wall for that matter, wasnt built to
stand up to this kind of punishment, and it promptly gave up in disgust after years of
constant abuse and collapsed. Bricks, Mortar, and 500 signed copies of the J Street
Constitution (a collaborative effort between Thej Ester and D. Ada Merican) came raining
down on the hapless mayor.

The Temporary Guy had fortunately retrieved his temporary line and Ms. Blanca Kannen-
Fauder, and swung to safety outside.

To witness a sight undreamed of; a peril so shockingly frightful that all else paled into
Coney Island rides before it

A solid wall of cute furry death, moving inexorably down J Street towards the Gray Line
Metro station

Chapter Thirty-Three: "It was I, Light-Turner-Offer Man!"

(NOT!)
by The Scarlet ?

Ms. Kannen-Fauder, having narrowly escaped death for the second time in several
chapters, stared in numbed shock, horror and disbelief at the crumbled remains of the
Mayors office: perhaps tons of wood, plaster, brick and mortar piled upon what must
surely be the hideously smashed, crushed, flattened, no-doubt unrecognizable remains of
The Scarlet Blot Formerly Known as Mayor Rob.

Fortunately, the buildings overall structure was so sound that, although the back wall of
the second floor had collapsed inward, the third floor loft storage area was completely
undamaged and still supported the fourth floor living quarters of the late Mayor Mopes
niece, Mickey OPeigh, who heard the loud rumbling and wondered if the super could do
anything about the pipes.

The Temporary Guy looked on in shocked silence, similar to Ms. Kannen-Fauders own,
then whipped a pair of Temporary Binocu-Lenses from his Temp Belt to take a closer
look at the pile of rubble, in case any sign of life still remained.

As the Evanescent Avenger and his rescued companion watched, flames began to dance
and, well, cavort around the pile of brick.
"[CENSORED]," TTG exclaimed, "The place is on fire! Ive got to put it out before the
entire building goes up!"

"I dunno," Ms. K-F opined, "Those flames appear to me to have more of an eldritch
nature. Youll note how they arent actually burning anything they touch."

As the two onlookers continued to stare, the rubble moved! Yes, impossible as it may
seem, the piles of brick and lumber began to heave and shift, and before the astonished
gazes of The Temporary Guy and Blanca Kannen-Fauder, a strange, distorted, hideously
misshapen creature erupted from the debris!

The tattered remnants of The Scarlet Costume still clung to him, but he appeared to have
grown some in stature, and his skin had taken on a red, dry, almost reptilian appearance

"[CENSORED]," TTG gasped, "Ive never seen burns so horrible "

"No, no," Blanca cut in, "I think if you look more closely, youll see thats the result of
some kind of inexplicable physical metamorphosis "

Which appeared to be unfinished, because as TTG and BK-F continued to gape in

bewilderment, the bizarre creature in the ruined office stood, shrugging off plaster dust
and brick fragments, and, in another burst of intangible flame, sprouted a pair of huge,
bat-like crimson wings, then launched into the air with a mighty kick (and tremendously
loud flapping), and took off at great speed into the sky, disappearing quickly over the
surrounding rooftops!

The Guy and Blanca could only watch in near-mute disbelief.

(Note: Id like to take this opportunity to point out that Blanca Kannen-Fauder speaks in
the voice of Ellen Greene as "Audrey" in "Little Shop of Horrors". TSR!)

"Gosh. This one didnt even last a month!" Ms. Kannen-Fauder remarked sadly.

"[CENSORED]," TTG added, "He didnt even make it through one story-arc!"

"Gosh," Blanca continued, "I guess this means Johannes van

Mocklingstricklenausgeseichnet will take over as mayor. I sure wish I werent the mayors
receptionist "

"Butcha are, Blanca, ya are," The Temporary Guy concluded sympathetically.

Chapter Thirty-Four: Mason Jarred

by The Temporary Guy

"Ninjas," Grendel muttered to himself. "Whys it always gotta be ninjas?"

"Oh, cmon, Joe, its not that bad!" Ozbat shot back, BAMFing over the top of two ninjas
and slamming their heads together. "I can think of a lot worse things than ninjas!"

"Oh yeah?" Grendel stopped pummeling a hapless ninja to face the imp. "Like what?"

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justi err, J Street

"Oh my god," the Temporary Guy started, looking out at the gray-coated street.
"TRIBBLES!"

Yes, tribbles. The street was awash with the blood-thirsty purrs of the deadly balls of fluff
filled the air. Blanca had a look of total disbelief on her face. "Theyre multiplying at
incredible rates."

"Hey, cmon, you were young once," he shot back, shaking his head in dismay. "I dont
suppose you have any poison grain on you, huh?"

"Nope."

"Damn."

The door suddenly burst open behind them. They spun around to see Perry Mason, his
eyes afire with complete insanity. He advanced on the pair, mouth foaming.

"So, counselor, I guess well never go to trial now, with the masters plan out in the open.
So Ill just have to destroy you another way!"

The Temporary Guy sneered.

"Anytime youre ready, law-boy."

Mason launched himself across the room, tackling the Temporary Guy to the floor. The
Temporary Guy reached into his Temp-belt and pulled out the Temp-laser, which he
aimed at Masons leg and fired at full intensity. Mason howled in pain as he rolled off of
the hero and onto carpet, clutching his leg in pain. Wincing in pain, he muttered, "Itll heal
soon, itll heal soon. Im a clone, I heal quicker than real people, itll heal soon."

The Temporary Guys ears perked up.

"Youre a clone? Just like Ben Reilly, huh?"

Mason flashed a weak smile.

"Y-yeah "
The Temporary Guy walked over to where the weapon from the as-of-yet-untold
Pantheon tale sat. He picked it up, aimed it at Mason, and shouted, "I hate Ben Reilly!"

The blast, colored a bright orange, arced through the office, catching Mason dead in the
chest. In what looked like the scene from a Raimi movie, the blast slowly peeled Mason
layer by layer, until only a gooey pile of bone marrow remained.

"Thats gonna stain."

"Oh my I think Im going to be sick." Blanca sat on the couch holding her stomach. "I
havent seen a clone die that badly since "

"Ben Reilly?" the Temporary Guy looked at the gun, then holstered it to the Temp-belt.
"This, like that, was a good thing. Now, lets see here all we need to do is wipe out this
outbreak of tribbles, which are reproducing at alarming rates, take care of the Chet-clone,
then go see if Joe and the gang need our help oh yeah, we got a full afternoon ahead of
us!"

"And dont forget Rob."

"Blanca, he turned into a large bat-demon before my eyes I dont think forgetting Rob will
be that hard, thank you very much!"

"Well, what about Grendel? Whatever happened to Baby Joe?"

The Temporary Guy shook his head.

"We gotta stop with the Bette Davis references in this story. Well get to Joe, dont worry.
In the mean time," he glanced towards the engulfed street. "Lets go kill us a tribble or
two."

Chapter Thirty-Five: Everything falls apart

by Joe Grendel

Elsewhen.

A monitor illuminated the room, the way monitors always illuminate the HQs of
mysterious masterminds. This storys second mysterious mastermind (identity to be
determined, that is, REVEALED later) stood before it, his grin gleaming in the light of
the CRT.

"So, TSMayor failed me. No matter, now Johannes is mayor, and he wont stand in the
way of my plans BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

***
The blood-soaked desert of Baquash. (Say it out loud.)

As the battle swirled around them, Jonn grabbed a ninja and flew straight UP. Gripping
the now-harmless figure tightly, he did a thorough mind-scan.

*Ah, thank you.* Plicking the ninja into unconsciousness with a single finger, Jonn
floated back to the ground, where Grendel, OzBat and Hack sat, huffing and puffing,
amidst the disposed-of ninjas.

"Now thats settled, lets take care of Ralph Al Ghul himself " Marching over to a
seemingly random dune, Jonn reached down, dusted off a large brass ring and puuuulled
open a hidden door.

***

The demon-haunted world of Clarrd.

The sorcerer Nhar, perched upon a throne of ivory, stared into his seeing crystal.

"Damn you, Grendel! My master bid me kill you, and the charm I laid upon Joss carried
over to his armor in death. How did you know to seal it within a force field, where I
cannot animate it?"

The room rumbled ominously and Nhar screamed in pain. After a moment, it subsided, a
trickle of blood coming from his nose.

"Yes, master, I hear. I will reanimate that armor somehow and kill Grendel and the rest of
the accursed Pantheon!"

But that too is a story for another day

***

Beneath the sands of Baquash.

Ralph Al Ghul, like all good villains, observed the proceedings of the battle above on a
monitor.

"Well, thats that, I suppose. One thing my brother always told me have a Plan B."
Flipping open a cover on his control panel, he stabbed a red button labeled DESTROY.

A universe away, twin bombs exploded ...

Chapter Thirty-Six: Rubble, You Idiot

by The Temporary Guy
"THE POND!" The psychic backlash hit Jonn like a ton of bricks.

"THE POND?" Grendel screamed, knowing from the look on Jonns face that something
was horribly wrong.

"THE POND?" OzBat cried, realizing the prospects of job-hunting on J Street.

"The Pond." Hack smiled. Business was sure to increase now.

"Yes, and your bar too," Jonns retort came.

Hack stared up into the darkness of the underground fortress.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

***

Meanwhile

"THE POND!" The Temporary Guy was knocked off of his feet as the shock wave
rippled through the neighborhood that was J Street. As he forced himself to his feet, he
saw the singed carcasses of hundreds of tribbles purring their death-cries, and the twin
smoldering pits that had previously been Grendels Pond and Hacks Bar. The charred
remains of the Chet-clone, a victim of his own masters hand, twitched and trembled like
an epileptic breakdancer. It was gone. Grendels Pond was gone.

"Joe is going to KILL ME!"

"What about Hack? He may kill you, too!" Blanca piped up.

"Oh, thank you ever so much, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm! II gotta figure out a way to
set this right!"

Minutes later, the two were sifting through the remains of Grendels Pond. The jukebox,
which was normally playing something, was now lying in a million shattered fragments.
It wasnt the end of the world but it just may be the end of Grendels. The Temporary Guy
came across the White Knights armor, still in somewhat decent shape, just charred from
the explosion. Another pile of rubble revealed a scrap of Mopes costume, all that
remained of the heroic avenger. How would they feel, if they were here? They

The Temporary Guy suddenly had an idea. He shouted to Blanca, "Go find kevhron! Go
find kevhron now!" He then started to don the armor of the White Knight.

kevhron was soon there, overlooking the remains of the once proud establishment.

"I just cant believe its gone!"

"Hack lost his bar, too," Blanca spoke up.

"Whatever."

"Now," the Temporary Guy, wearing the full White Knight armor, interjected. "Heres
what I need for you to do. Mopes costume still has a small fragment of the temporal
anomaly inside of it. I need you to use it to send me to the cause of the explosion "

"You mean the bombs?"

"No, do not, I repeat, do not send me to the bombs right before they explode. That would
be what I like to call a bad thing. Send me to whomever set the bombs off. I have a
sneaking suspicion that Ill run into Joe and the guys there."

"But what about the laws of time?" Blanca spoke up. "If you go back in time before this
happens, therell be two Temporary Guys running around the world!"

"Whatre you, Doc Brown?" the Temporary Guy practiced moving in the armor. "If I go
back to prevent all of this from happening, then in theory, I will have never needed to go
back, therefore I should return to the point in time when the explosions took place, not
realizing that I changed history!"

kevhron chuckled.

"Heh-heh, I love a good paradox."

The Temporary Guy swallowed.

"Anytime youre ready, kevhron"

kevhron focused on the cloth, and soon a small white portal opened before them.

"May the force be with you, Temporary Guy."

He turned towards kevhron.

"Oh, blow it out your a"

And he was gone.

***

Meanwhile, beneath the sands of Baquash

Ralph Al Ghul, like all good villains, observed the proceedings of the battle above on the
monitor.
"Well, thats that I suppose. One thing my brother always told me have a Plan B."

"ss!" The light flashed, and the Temporary Guy stood before Ralph Al Ghul, whose eyes
grew wide with anger. With a quick thrust, the Temporary Guy drove the White Knights
sword into the computer terminal that Ralph stood by, shorting it out instantly.

"You have signed your own death warrant, my friend. Seize him!"

"Oh, seize this, Ralphalpha! Im a temporal anomaly now, and any second time will
realign itself and Ill be gone."

A dozen ninjas dropped from the darkened ceiling.

"Any second now "

Two large guards entered the room, cracking their knuckles as they stared in his direction.

"Any blessed second "

Ralph Al Ghul smiled.

"You are going nowhere."

The Temporary guy shook his head.

"Damn laws of physics."

Chapter Thirty-Seven: OK, now for plan C

by Joe Grendel

The ceiling caved in at that moment.

"Hi," Captain Pantheon beamed, showing his Rembrandt-white teeth. "Remember me?"

The other Bar Warriors followed down his makeshift tunnel.

Ralph Al Ghul looked from hero-to-hero, then to his shorted-out console. He pulled a
small remote control from his pocket, shrugged, and pressed a button.

"Would you believe, Plan C?"

The complex collapsed on their heads.

A universe away, a second set of bombs, placed in the sewers beneath the bars, went off.
 Chapter Thirty-Eight: Tour Cut Short
by The Jester

The Jester led the JLAshland on down the street.

"And on your right is Grendels Pond Bar and Grill, my home away from home."

"What a freakin dump!" Kung Fu shouted.

"THIS is the place you kept telling stories about?" Wonder Mormon asked.

"What? Whats wrong?" the Jester finally looked at the Bar. Or, rather, where the grill
always had been. Instead, there was a pile of rubble. Reflexively, he screamed, "THIS IS
NOT MY FAULT! I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! Ohhhhhh, no. Joe is going to
be sooooo p*ssed "

Chapter Thirty-Nine: RALPHS BAR AND GRILL?

by Hack

The Temporary guys jaw dropped.

"This is awful," he muttered. "Truly awful. Where will I get my [CENSORED] drinks
now?"

Jester ran up to him in a panic.

"Whats going on, TTG? What happened to his place?"

"I dont know, buddy. I dont "

KA-THUD would be the best description for the noise they made as they rocketed into
the air.

***

That desert again.

"Wheres Hack?" asked Grendel, turning. "He was here a second ago."

"Looks like he found a way into the computer system," said Jonn. "Lets hope he can help
us in some way."

***
Cyberspace

He was really lucky to have found this place. Now, he might be able to enter Ralphs
mainframe and figure out how to stop this maniac.

Suddenly, two dark riders in armor approached. Manifestations of a security system,

Hack realized. No matter. He was Internet Incarnate!

A quick cyberblast and a linking of one directly inside the other, and Hack had entered
the cyber-fortress.

Now, it was time to do some damage.

***

Back IRL

"Security alert," the computer blared. "An intruder has by-passed the security systems.
Repeat, the intruder has by-passed the security systems."

Ralph turned in a maniacally evil fashion, with his cape swirling about.

"Blast!" he growled. "Hack must have penetrated my systems!"

"Begin self-destruct?"

"No," said Ralph. "This Hack may menace my future plans. I shall deal with him
personally."

***

J street, or "Tribble City"

The Scarlet Mayor laughed in a maniacally maniacal fashion. Then he got hit with a
brick.

***

Cyberspace

Hack read the plans and gasped. This was horrible, to say the least. Ralph was clearly
more intelligent than anyone had guessed before.

My plan is simple. The only way to conquer J Street is to own it. But that, of course, is
the
tricky part.
The tribbles disappeared.

I have studied the superhero known as Hack, an enhanced individual that is, Internet
Incarnate. By using a clone of him, I created a deep hatred of him in several J Street
residents.

However, Hack managed to recover from this by starting a bar and grill. Not only did
this further my plans of destroying Grendel, but it also showed me the window of
opportunity on how to conquer the transdimensional nexus.

The rubble that has knocked the Jester and the Temporary Guy out cold slowly begins to reform. It creates a
single huge building in the middle of the road.

While I must partially destroy J street

The destruction of J Street vanishes.

I will repair it easily enough. Then, at last, my plan will be complete! All the denizens
will have no choice but to give me their money, at RALPHS BAR AND GRILL!

Ralphs Bar and Grill is created. It is a huge, tall building.

When I gain enough money, I will beginning snatching up property through fake
companies. This will lead to my total vic

DELETED

Hack turned.

"You!" he cried. "So this is your plan, fiend? Ill stop you yet!"

Cyber-Al Ghul stood before him, in full armored glory.

"I think not. This may be your home turf, Internet Incarnate, but its my computer!"

Hack frowned. This was going to prove to be a very, very, difficult fight.

Chapter Forty: Uh oh
by Joe Grendel

J Street.

The Temporary Guy and the Jester stood at kevrhons elbows, sweat pouring off their
foreheads despite the snow and wind.

"Uh, kev, big guy?" the Jester squeaked. "Can you fix the bar?"
kevrhon, wrapped in a blue-and-gold parka, scratched at his beard.

"kevrhon?" The Temporary Guy cleared his throat. "I think Joe will be really upset when
he gets back "

kevrhon sighed and reached out with beams of eldritch energy. The gold light danced
across Ralphs Bar and Grill, pulling at the stones, whispering around the chair legs,
disturbing the carnivorous fish. kevrhon, caught in the power of his spell, lifted up off the
ground, light pouring from his skin. Beneath his feet, the snow melted, flowers bloomed
from the concrete and an ant-hill suddenly became the home to a highly advanced (if itty
bitty) civilization. Finally, there was a concussive burst, Jester and TTG were hurled
backwards a few feet and kevrhon settled to the ground.

Jester and TTG looked at one another.

"Uh nothings changed."

"Not so," kevrhon said, gasping for breath. "Read the sign."

"Grendel and Hacks Bar and Grill?" The Jesters voice was a squeak. "Thats IT?"

kevrhon shrugged.

"That Ralph Al Ghul doesnt fool around. When he destroys-and-rebuilds a place, he

doesnt do it halfway "

TTG groaned.

"I dont want to be around when Grendel finds out hes sharing a bar with Hack "

"Maybe its for the best," kevrhon said. "There wont be any competition any more, and
Disco is gone. Joe will understand that hes a reasonable man."

The three looked at each other.

"You can all hide in the tower with me."

Chapter Forty-One: Destruction

by Hack

Cyberspace

"Come to me, my cyber-minions!" roared Ralph Al Ghul. "COME TO ME!"

Hack gasped as swarms of small creatures ran forward. He realized with a growing horror
that this was a manifestation of a virus!

He immediately linked to a virus checker, but he couldnt. His access had been cut off!
His only way out was to the real world. And if he left, he doubted he would be able to
come back. But he had a plan.

"See ya," he said, dashing through a link.

"What?" cried Ralph Al Ghul. "Where do you think youre going?"

Hack smiled. "Where else? To get help."

***

That darn desert

Grendel sighed.

"Great. I should have known better than to let Hack just disappear. Now, how are we
going to get home?"

Hack popped out of a link.

"Hi." He grabbed OzBat and Grendel, and dragged them into the link.

Jonn frowned. He saw the tower in the distance. It appeared that he and Captain Pantheon
would have to save Chet themselves.

***

Ralphs computer

"What are we doing here?" cried out Grendel.

"What else? We gotta deal with HIM!" Hack pointed at the suddenly growing Ralph Al
Ghul.

Hack dodged a wicked cyberblast, and realized with growing horror that the viruses were
beginning to destroy the computer!

"Grendel!" he yelled. "Stop the creatures! Ill deal with Al Ghul!"

OzBat frowned.

"What do I do?" he asked.

"Help Grendel," said Hack, charging forward. "I got a street to save."

"Hes nuts," muttered Grendel. "Totally out of his mind."

"Here, take a mallet," said OzBat, BAMFing his trusty weapon. "We need to stop these
guys before they eat through everything!"

Ralph frowned. It looked like it was time for Plan D.

***

That desert

Captain Pantheon vanished.

"What?" mumbled Jonn. "It looks like Im going to have to fight alone."

***

J Street

RRRRUMBLE.

RRRRRUUUUUUUMMMMBLLLEEEEEEE.

"Uh oh," said TTG. "I think we have a problem."

"Whats going on now?" said Jester.

A huge hologram of Ralph Al Ghul appeared.

"[CENSORED]!" said TTG.

"ATTENTION J STREET CITIZENS. DUE TO THE ACTIONS OF A ONE HACK

EMERY, I AM FORCED TO DESTROY J STREET IN ORDER TO SAVE ALL OF
YOUR LIVES. PLEASE EVACUATE THIS AREA IMMEDIATELY. J STREET WILL
BE DESTROYED IN EXACTLY 15 MINUTES. EVACUATE NOW."

"Hack?" muttered the Temporary Guy. "Ill kill him."

"Now, now," said kevhron. "Dont be too quick in judging him. This may be another
fiendish plan!"

"No matter what, weve got to do SOMETHING!"

***
The police station

MacTyson stood and walked out the door. This hologram clearly meant business. As the
only cop on J Street, it was his job to put an end to it.

First, he had to find the means of destroying J Street. Then, he needed to stop it.

That was all. Yeah, right.

***

Ralphs computer

Hack slammed against a nearby virus and groaned. There was no possible way he could
beat Ralph Al Ghul! The man moved like lightning!

He had no choice. Groggily, he stood to his feet. There was one thing left to do.

He had no choice.

"Whats Hack doing?" muttered Grendel to himself. He turned and glared at the Internet
Incarnate.

"Watch your back!" said OzBat, smashing a nearby virus. "You need to be careful, boss!"

"Shut up and tell me what Hacks doing."

"Looks like oh, [CENSORED], hes set off the automatic self destruct!"

"This computer will self destruct in two minutes.

Two minutes and counting."

A deadline. Great.

***

MacTysons car

Ten minutes left? He leapt out of the car, and nearly ran into kevhron.

"Watch it!" he growled. "Im trying to save J Street!"

"Same here," said Temporary Guy. "Care to give us a hand?"

"Yeah, sure. Look, I need to find out how Ralph is going to destroy J Street. kevhron,
come with me. The rest of you, get the citizens out of here!"
MacTyson charged forward.

***

The desert

Jonn rubbed his head. His powers did not work against the fortress! There was some sort
of invisible barrier.

Suddenly, a group of snow ninjas leapt out from no where! Jonn prepared to fight.

"Say," the leader said. "Are you Captain Corndog, protector of the junkfood?"

"Nope."

"Sorry. Guys, we must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. This looks like a desert, not a
frozen wasteland. Captain Corndog must be somewhere else."

The ninjas leapt back into the tunnel in the ground they were using for transportation.

Jonn smiled. He had a great idea.

He dug under the fortress and entered through the bottom.

***

Ralphs computer

"Hack are you out of your MIND?" screamed Grendel. "Youre going to get us all killed!"

"Shut up and listen to me," said Hack. "I want you to make sure that Chet is all right,
OK?"

"Why? Why cant you "

Hack tossed OzBat and Grendel through a link.

He turned and faced Ralph. Now, he had to keep his enemy here until the computer
exploded.

He had no choice.

Thirty seconds.

***
J Street

"Found it," said Kevhron. "Its a small nuclear weapon, hidden in the Mayors office."

"Can you disarm it?" asked MacTyson.

Kevrhon suddenly crumpled to the ground.

MacTyson frowned. The bomb must have some sort of anti super hero force field on it.
Luckily, he was not a superhero.

All he had to do was disarm the bomb.

Ha. All.

Five minutes left.

***

Ralphs fortress

Grendel and OzBat reeled from the sudden, unexpected trip.

"Whoa," mumbled OzBat. "He must have sent us here to save us from the self-destruct!"

"We gotta go back there and save him," said Grendel. "Can you BAMF back?"

OzBat shook his head.

"No. I cant enter cyberspace. Hacks got to face Al Ghul alone."

Jonn appeared out of nowhere.

"Come on," he said. "Weve got a bartender to save!"

***

J Street

MacTyson spent a good four minutes just FINDING the bomb. Now, he needed to disarm
it.

This was great. JUST great. The thing was incredibly complicated, and covered with
adamantium. How could he possibly bust through it?
He saw two loose wires. He realized it was the old super villain trick. One wire will
disarm
the bomb; the other will make it explode.

The problem? Which one.

Thirty seconds.

***

Ralphs fortress

Grendel pointed at Ralph Al Ghuls physical body.

"Look," he said. "Hes wearing VR Armor."

Grendel reached out to attack.

"Stop!" said Jonn. "I sense hes got a anti super hero force field around him! Dont touch
it!"

Grendel frowned.

"You guys go after Chet. I got an idea!"

"What?" asked OzBat.

"Shut up and find Chet."

***

Cyberspace

Hack stared blankly.

"Good bye," he said.

Fifteen seconds left.

***

J Street

It was usually the red one, right? MacTyson reached out, not realizing that if he pulled
either wire, he would ignite the bomb. Ralph knew the old super villain trick.
Fifteen seconds left.

***

Ralphs dungeon

"Chet!" yelled OzBat. He waved at the bartender, who had escaped and was plowing
through his former guards. "We gotta get out of here!"

"I rigged this place to blow soon," said Jonn. "Lets move, shall we? I do not feel like
having my atoms spread across the planet."

"Lets," said Chet, grinning. "Wheres Hack?"

OzBat sighed. "He didnt make it."

***

J Street

MacTyson reached forward. Closer, closer.

Ten seconds.

Ralphs VR room

Grendel plugged into the stray VR Armor. He knew now what was going on.

Ralphs computer

"Bye bye," laughed Al Ghul. "Now, my little puppet, you will die!"

Grendel lunged forward.

"HACK!" he yelled. "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

Hack shook his head.

"Wha what?"

"Hes been manipulating you! I recognized it after you linked me away! You had that
expression on your face!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Ralph, as the two linked away.

"NOOOOO "
Waitaminute. There was self destruct and

Times up.

***

Ralphs VR control room

The body of Ralph Al Ghul shrieked and twitched uncontrollably as his mind was forever
separated and destroyed.

"Whoa," muttered Hack. "To think we were all being manipulated by him."

Grendel nodded.

"Amazing, aint it," he said. "Come on, lets find the others and get out of here."

***

J Street

Eight seconds. Seven.

***

Ralphs dungeon

"Hack!" yelled Jonn. "Bring us to the mayors office ASAP!"

Hack nodded.

"Bye bye!"

Times up.

***

J Street

Five.

Closer, and closer, MacTyson reached.

Four.

The heroes appeared.

Three.

Jonn charged forward, making his hand immaterial.

Two.

He plunged his hand through the bomb.

One.

And he pulled the right red wire.

"How did you know?" gasped MacTyson. "How did you know what wire?"

"When kevhron woke up outside," said Jonn. "You became part of the mental loop. I saw
what you were doing and realized Ralphs trick."

"Well," said Hack, grinning. "I say this calls for a celebration. What say we head on down
to my bar and grill and get some drinks."

Chapter Forty-Two: Creation

by Joe Grendel

1602 J Street, N.W.,

Washington, DC

Hacks and Grendels Pond

Bar and Grill

The Pantheon, the JLAshland and the Minutemen who were of age (and I dont mean "of
Apocalypse") partied on through the night, even those not appearing in the story up to
this point. At about 1 a.m. (local time, for time does flow, in its own fashion, in this
pocket universe), Hack noticed Grendel was outside on the street, standing in the sleet,
staring at the bar.

Grabbing a coat, he trudged out after him. He joined Grendel staring at the front of the
building.

OzBat and Chet were busy serving the customers, yet ANOTHER Wurlitzer was
chugging out music ("Divine Thing" by the Soup Dragons, at the moment), Lucky (who
clearly has better survival instincts than, say, the Mighty Hank!) wandered beneath the
tables begging for scraps, some of the lady Pantheoneers were playing pool and Raphael
Starkiller stood in the doorway, glowering up and down the street, looking for a certain
snowboarder to show his face.
"Pretty cool place, huh?" Hack asked after a moment.

"I couldve gotten out of there, you know," Grendel said after a moment. "Thats my
power, well, my main one, anyway: I instinctively know all the back routes through time
and space."

"Could you have gotten back here in time to stop Ralph Al Ghul from destroying the
street?"

"Its not a bad bar, I guess. Itll be nice to have a larger staff, so when OzBat and Raphael
feel compelled to go off heroing I wont have to drag Jeannie over here everytime." He
looked at the second story. "And it was nice of kevrhon or Ralph or whoever to double
the number of apartments."

"You know," Hack dropped a hand onto Grendels shoulder, "I think this could be the start
of a beautiful friendship."

Grendel glared at the hand and Hack removed it.

"I dont have any friends, [mildly naughty word]," Grendel snarled as he stalked back into
the bar.

Hack sighed and followed him in.

The End
(Ralph Al Ghul is a parody of DC Comics character Ras Al Ghul and no copyright threat is intended or implied. The Temporary Guy, esq.)