HOW TO MAKE EMOTIONAL

INTELLIGENCE WORK FOR YOU:

A Workbook

Dr. Pamela Qualter, Dr. Helen Whiteley and Kathryn

Gardner, BSc
LEARNING AND LITERACY RESEARCH UNIT
Dept. of Psychology
University of Central Lancashire

The development of this workbook was funded by the Harris

Award for Excellence Grant 2003

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What is or Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (often referred to as Emotional Literacy) refers to the

intelligent use of emotions. It is a cognitive ability, and may be defined as the ability to
perceive, utilise, understand and manage emotions (Salovey and Mayer, 1990).
Numerous studies have found that emotional intelligence is related to aspects of
psychological and psychosocial functioning, including aspects of personality. Indeed,
there is a great deal of research supporting the idea that emotional intelligence is related to
aspects of psychological functioning such as satisfaction with life, happiness and self-
esteem (Saklofske, Austin & Minski, 2003; Furnham & Petrides, 2003; Schutte, Malouff,
Simunek, McKenley & Hollander, 2002). Emotional intelligence is also related to general
health (Slaski & Cartwright, 2002) and everyday behaviours such as alcohol use, social
interaction (Brackett, Mayer & Warner, 2004) and smoking (Trinidad & Johnson, 2002).
Applications of emotional intelligence in the work place and at college or
university are almost infinite. In particular, research suggesting a relationship between
high emotional intelligence, job satisfaction and greater success and performance at work
is accumulating. This seems unsurprising when one considers that the work environment
is a place where emotions often have to be inhibited or controlled in order to “get the job
done”. Emotional intelligence has also been found to be a significant factor in leadership
effectiveness (Wong & Law, 2002). In fact, emotional intelligence is instrumental in
resolving interpersonal problems, closing a deal with a difficult customer (or student),
staying on top of a task until it is completed, and in many other challenges affecting our
success at work and at college/university. Because of the importance of emotionally
intelligent skills for the work environment, many employers now use measures of
emotional intelligence for selection purposes.

The building blocks of Emotional Intelligence (EI)

There are four basic elements of emotional intelligence. The pioneering

psychologist, John Mayer and Peter Salovey, in 1990, identified these four elements.
Each building block represents abilities that together give rise to your emotional
Intelligence. They are hierarchical, with each level incorporating and building upon the
capabilities of all previous ones. The four building blocks are:

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 1.The ability to accurately perceive, appraise, and express emotion (appraisal of
emotions)
2.The ability to access or generate feelings on demand when they can facilitate
understanding of yourself or another person (managing and utilization of self-
relevant emotions)
3.The ability to understand emotions and the knowledge that derives from them
(appraisal and management of other people's emotions).
4.The ability to regulate emotions to promote emotional and intellectual growth
(managing self-relevant emotions).

So, let’s have a look at these different aspects of EI a little more closely and
consider the evidence for their importance in everyday life.

1. Appraisal of Emotions
Appraisal of emotions is defined as the ability to discern one’s own and other’s
emotions based on ‘situational and expressive cues that have some degree of cultural
consensus as to their emotional meaning’ (Saarni, 1999). That is, being able to identify the
emotions others are feeling by looking at their facial expression or body language. In a
number of studies, one’s ability to perceive one’s own and other’s emotions has been
found to be related to degree of social competence and to social acceptance by peers (for
example, Cassidy et al., 1992; Custrini and Feldman, 1989). Researchers have also linked
low self-worth to this domain of EI.
The importance of this skill for everyday functioning is in fact, clear. For example,
if we were unable to read the expressions on our partners or families faces, it may be quite
difficult to understand their emotional needs. As a result of this, how we express and
communicate our own emotional needs might also be affected. This could inevitably lead
to problems in the relationship; and this may also be the case in the university or work
environment since we use the emotional cues others send us to gage how we should behave
around them. Indeed, if we can tell that our friend/colleague/partner/family member is
angry just from looking at their facial expression or body language, we might decide to
alter our behaviour in a way that would ensure not to make that person any angrier.

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 2. Managing and Utilization of Self-Relevant Emotions (Mood Regulation)
These skills involve the capacity for adaptively coping with aversive or distressing
emotions by using self-regulatory strategies that reduce the intensity or duration of such
emotional states. Research findings suggest that older adolescents who report being good
at managing self-relevant emotions are better at managing experimentally-induced positive
and negative moods (Ciarrochi, Chan and Bajgar, 2001). In this study, Ciarrochi et al. also
found that self-reported emotion management was a better predictor of mood management
behaviour (i.e., response to stressful situations) than self-esteem and trait anxiety. One can
see, though, that how one copes with negative emotional experiences will have a direct
effect of self-worth.
While the ability to manage and use emotions is implicated in numerous types of
behaviour such as the perceived quality of social interaction with others (Lopes, Nezlek,
Schutz & Salovey, 2004), on a more general level it is easy to see how these abilities may
be related to almost all aspects of our personal and everyday functioning. A prime
example would be being able to manage feelings of anxiety before a job interview or in
other anxiety provoking situations e.g., going on a plane.
For our purposes here, the 4th building block will be considered under this heading,
as the ability to regulate emotions to promote emotional and intellectual growth is related
to our management and utilization of self-relevant emotions. One can see that how one
copes with negative emotional experiences will have a direct effect of self-worth, mental
health and intellectual development.

3. Skill at managing other people’s emotions

This skill includes the ability to arrange events others enjoy, hide negative
emotions in order to avoid hurting another person’s feelings, and make others feel better
when they are down. This skill is all about having fulfilling, happy relationships with
others – it's about accepting that relationships often include negative emotional
experiences, but that these can be 'worked out'. Because this skill leads to the development
of more fulfilling relationships and also more social support, people high in this skill have
been found to report less feelings of stress and less mental health difficulties (Ciarocchi,
Deane & Anderson, 2002). In light of this, it is easy to infer that individuals high in this
skill may be happier in their personal, social and occupational lives. In terms of the latter,
possessing the ability to manage others’ emotions may ultimately be a prerequisite for the

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staff in any workplace, since these individuals may be able to help resolve conflicts that
occur during work (Matthews, Zeidner & Roberts, 2002).

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Profile and Interpretative Notes

The remainder of this booklet will lead you through the following topics and will
provide steps that will help you to understand and interpret your EI questionnaire answers.
Also, you will find activities and tips on how to engage in continued development of the EI
domains.

Section One:
PAGE 7
Testing your own Emotional Intelligence level using an adaptation of a self-report
measure of emotional intelligence (SEI) 1

Section Two:
PAGE 10
Creating your personal EI profile
Interpreting your scores

Section Three:
PAGE 13
Developing the EI competencies

Section 4:
PAGE 41
Re-Testing your own Emotional intelligence level using an adaptation of a self-
report measure of emotional intelligence (SEI)
Summary Scores of Change from Time 1 to Time 2
Continued personal EI development planner

1
SEI was developed by Schutte, Malouff, Hall, Haggerty, Cooper, Golden, and Dornheim.
(1998). Development and validation of a measure of emotional intelligence. Personality
and Individual Differences, 25, 167-177. The adaptation, which lead to a 4 factor solution,
is used here (Petrides and Furnham. (2000). On the dimensional structure of emotional
intelligence. Personality and Individual Differences, 29, 313-320).

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Section One: How Emotionally Intelligent are you?

Please respond to each of the following statements by rating how frequently you
demonstrate or use each behaviour. Use the rating scale below. When you write your
response to each question, write it in the column that has a grey box on that particular line.
For example, for question 1, you would write your response in column B.

1 = Never 2 = Rarely, 3 = Sometimes 4 = Often 5 = Consistently

Question Question Subscale A Subscale B Subscale C

Number

1 I know when to speak

about my personal
problems to others

2 When I am faced with

obstacles, I remember
times I faced similar
problems before
3 I expect that I will do
well on most things I try

4 Other people find it easy

to confide in me

5 I find it hard to
understand the non-
verbal messages of other
people

6 Some of the major life

events of my life have
led me to re-evaluate
what is important and
not important.

7 When my mood changes,

I see new possibilities

8 Emotions are one of the

things that make life
worth living

9 I am aware of my
emotions as I experience
them

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10 I expect good things to
happen

11 I like to share my
emotions with others

12 When I experience a
positive emotions, I
know how to make it
last
13 I arrange events others
enjoy

14 I seek out activities that

make me happy

15 I am aware of non-
verbal messages I send
to others

16 I present myself in a
way that makes a good
impression on others

17 When I am in a positive
mood, solving problems
is easy for me

18 By looking at their facial

expressions, I know the
emotions people are
experiencing
19 I know why my
emotions change

20 When I am in a positive
mood, I am able to come
up with new ideas

21 I have control over my

emotions

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22 I easily recognize my
emotions as I experience
them
23 I motivate myself by
imagining a good
outcome to tasks I take
on
24 I compliment others
when they have done
something well
25 I am aware of the non-
verbal messages other
people send
26 When another person
tells me about an
important event in his or
her life, I almost feel as
though I have
experienced that event
myself
27 When my emotions
change, I tend to change
my views on important
things
28 When I am faced with a
challenge, I give up
because I believe I will
fail
29 I know what other
people are feeling just
by looking at them
30 I help other people feel
better when they are
down
31 I use good moods to
help myself keep trying
in the face of obstacles
32 I can tell how people are
feeling by listening to
the tone of their voice
33 It is difficult for me to
understand why people
feel the way they do
Total

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 Section Two: Creating Your Personal EI Profile

To create your EI profile, you will first need to calculate your total scores for the
three EI facets. You do this by adding the scores together for column A, then column B,
then column C. However, for questions 5, 28 and 33 you will need to use the key below to
obtain your score:
If your score is 1 change this to 5
If your score is 2 change this to 4
If your score is 3 leave this as 3
If your score is 4 change this to 2
If your score is 5 change this to 1
Once you have a score for each of the three columns (A, B and C), transfer your
total column scores from your completed questionnaire to the profile sheet below. Divide
each total score by the number noted in the table to get your final, mean score for each
domain. Visual learners may like to plot each of these scores in the shaded profile chart:
This will help you to see where your weaknesses and strengths are.
For example, say your total score for A on the questionnaire is 36. Write 36 next to
A on the profile sheet, Appraisal of Emotions and then divide by 9 (in column 3). Your
final score for Appraisal of Emotions (A) is 3.6. Using a dot plot on line A of the shaded
profile chart.

1 2 3 4 5
Appraisal of Total A ÷9
emotions (emotion
perception)
Utilisation of Total B ÷19
emotions and Mood
regulation (aspect
of managing own
emotions)
Managing Other's Total C ÷5
Emotions

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Interpreting your Scores

Please note: the scores provided in this workbook will correspond to the emotional
intelligence score provided during the study, although a different scoring system is
used here.

You may decide to concentrate on either areas for growth and development or areas
of strength. If you score 3 or higher, it means you have demonstrated the competency at
least some of the time and would find it easier to work on this than on a competency that is
very low. If you do score very low on a competency (1 or 2) and it is important to your
quality of life, then you may decide to work on this: you do need to stay focused though
and get advice from others regarding your development.
For a competency to be considered a strength, you should be demonstrating it often
(score of 4) or consistently (score of 5). Working on strengths can be a good idea if you
want to develop it further or use it more effectively.

Interpreting your data: Questions

1.Which emotional intelligence competencies do you demonstrate at Level 4 or

above? These are you strengths.
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

2. Which emotional intelligence competencies do you demonstrate at level 3 or

below? These are your areas for growth or development.
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

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3) Select one or two competencies you would like to work to develop. Make sure
that you note down why you want to work on these competencies (i.e., how do they
relate to your quality or life?).
1._________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

2._________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

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 Development Tips

1. Self Awareness (Appraisal of emotions and Utilisation of emotions)

“There is only one corner of the universe that you can be certain of improving; and that is
your own self.” (Aldous Huxley)

Self awareness is about being able to see ourselves clearly and to be aware of our
goals, values (rules that we live by), beliefs, motivators, and about being aware of our
inner voice that tells us what we should or should not do or what we are or are not good at.
Understanding ourselves clearly can help us to be aware of certain factors that may trigger
inappropriate responses from us. Thus, we can use our self knowledge to help us to
regulate our behaviours and take more control over our lives.
Developing self awareness is about getting to know who you are so you need to ask
yourself some searching questions and answer them honestly.

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Activity 1: What are my strengths?: My view of myself

1.List all your strengths under each of the following headings:

Physical/sport
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
Intellectual/educational
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
Social/relationships
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
Business/financial
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

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Health (eating, exercise, smoking, drinking etc)
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
Other (e.g. musical, literary, gardening, cooking, parenting,….)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
2.Now list all your weaknesses in each of the areas above
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
3.Now list all the things you enjoy doing in these same categories
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
4.Finally list all the things you don’t enjoy doing in the above categories.
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

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In order to get a more rounded perspective of yourself, it is often useful to ask for
feedback from others who know you well. If you have 3 or 4 close friends, family, or
fellow students try asking the following questions of them (you need to feel safe with these
people and to feel that you trust them).

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 Activity 2: What are my strengths: What do other people think of me?

1.When you think of me – what is the first thing that comes into your mind?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
2.What do you think is the most interesting things about me?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

3.What do you think my greatest accomplishment is?

___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

4.What do you most value about me?

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

5.What do you see to be my greatest strengths?

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

6.Have your views of me changed since we first met?

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

7.What do you think I could do to improve myself?

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

(These questions are adapted from Transform Your Life by C. Gaskell, 2000).

Think about the answers you receive – any surprises? Have you learned anything
new? Are the answers generally consistent with your view of yourself or are there
discrepancies – if yes, why do you think that is?

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 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Knowing what you need is an important aspect of learning how to handle your
feelings, communicate these to other people, and for getting your needs met when
resolving conflict. The following exercise encourages you to think about your basic needs
and help you learn to recognise and accept them.

Activity 3: What do I need?

(Adaptation of Activity 4 from Stop! Think! Choose!(2000) written by Mapes. K)

On your own or in groups, consider the following table written by K.Mapes (2000).
Consider the list and decide if there are other concepts/ideas you would like to add.

PHYSICAL NEEDS MENTAL NEEDS EMOTIONAL NEEDS

Shelter and clothing to protect To create through music,
from the elements
Rest and relaxation
Movement, exercise, and
recreation
Safety from physical harm
Healthy food, clean air and
water
Physical space for some
privacy
Caring touch
writing, arts, crafts, and all
other means
To believe that you and your
life have meaning
To believe in yourself – that
you are capable and worthy
To learn to develop to your
highest potential
To know and express your
thoughts, feelings and needs
To have something to look
forward to
To be loved and accepted for
who you are
To feel that you have the
power to do what you need and
want to do
To be noticed and appreciated
Emotional space – to have time
alone to sort things out
To feel that you belong and are
connected to others
Safety from emotional harm

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 Now that you have considered these ideas, complete the following table.
1.What do you need at this time in your life (in general)? You can select ideas from Mapes'
list, but you may want to add your own.

PHYSICAL NEEDS MENTAL NEEDS EMOTIONAL NEEDS

2. How can you get your needs met in a way that will not hurt you or anyone else?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

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Linked very closely to self awareness are the concepts of self-confidence and self-
esteem. Self-esteem is much more than just self confidence. Whereas self-confidence
relates to actions and our trust in ourselves to be able to do certain things well, self-esteem
is about how much we value ourselves. Generally, people with high self esteem have a
strong sense of self (a well developed self awareness); they like themselves; they are able
to recognise and manage their own emotional states and they have a clear sense of purpose.
It is unlikely that someone with low self-esteem will have high self confidence, thus self
esteem is very important. The following activities are designed to help you to explore
your self esteem and to develop your self esteem and your self confidence.

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 Activity 4: How much do I like myself?
Ask yourself the following questions:

1.Are you able to accept a compliment without verbally deflecting it and without blocking
it or qualifying it in your head? (Your hair is lovely today…. ‘Oh, no it’s not, it’s all
untidy at the back – it never looks good’)

2.Are you afraid that one day people will find you out ?(‘they will realise that I don’t
deserve to be here, I’m not really good enough)

3.Can you list 5 things you like about yourself without hesitating?

4. How do you react when asked to try something new? (‘Yes, great, I’ll give that a
go’, feeling excited, or ‘Help, I couldn’t possibly do that!’ feeling nervous, worried)

5. What is your inner voice saying to you when you are about to do something
difficult or challenging?

Do your answers suggest that you like yourself, or that you are critical about
yourself and your abilities? If you want to try to change the way you feel, here are some
tips:

Activity 5: Improving self-esteem

(Activities are based on ideas in The NLP Coach by McDermott & Jago, 2003.)

Compliments:
Simply say “Thank you”
Remember compliments people have paid you – hear them in your head and go back again
and again.

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Being found out:
This kind of fear is usually not based on reality. For example, you wouldn’t have been
accepted on the course, picked for the team or offered the job if you weren’t good enough!
Don’t underestimate yourself. Others may appear confident but there is no correlation
between confidence and ability!

Liking yourself:
Write down all the things you can think of that you like about yourself – your fingers?
Your eyes? Your hair? The way you are with your children? Your smile? Your sense of
humour? Your values? Your beliefs? Keep the list and add to it over the course of a week.

Trying new things:

If you react with anxiety and fear when asked to try something new - think about different
scenarios in your mind. What is the worst that could happen? What is the best that could
happen? What if it all goes really well? How would Joe Bloggs (a really confident person
you know) handle it? There is a useful book called ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway’
(Susan Jeffers) – it may be worth a look.

Your inner voice:

Our internal dialogue can be very influential, after all, it is our constant companion! If
your inner voice is telling you how things always go wrong for you or how useless you are,
then it’s a problem. Think about what you would say to someone else in the same position
as you, e.g. faced with a new challenge – what would you say to them? Now change the
inner voice and talk to yourself in a similar way – be your own best friend and always talk
to yourself just as you would talk to your best friend. How do you feel when the inner
voice says positive things? Monitoring your inner voice and changing that internal
dialogue can be a very powerful (although not easy) way to improve how you feel about
yourself.

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 Activity 6: Improving self-confidence

This activity should be done with friends or family:

1. Each member of the group should bring a selection of magazines along to the session
(and be willing for them to be cut up!)
2. The magazines are put into one pile and each individual takes 3 or 4 (preferably not the
ones they brought)
3. The next step is for individuals to look through the magazines and cut out
anything/everything that appeals to them. The cut outs should be visual rather than verbal.
There is no need to think about why.
4. Each person now takes a sheet of flip chart paper and glues their pictures/images onto
the sheet to make a collage.
5. Now, each individual presents their collage to the others and tries to say why they chose
the images they did – what was it that appealed to them? The group is allowed to ask
questions to clarify the description.

The aim of this activity is:

- the development of trust with others
- the development of increased self awareness
- the development of greater awareness of others
- increased self-confidence through the presentation and questioning process.

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The next activity gives you some insight into self-talk that may be keeping you
stuck in self-hate. The activity is designed to help you realise that everyone engages in
positive and negative self-talk at some-time.

Activity 7: Learning to Accept Yourself

You will need: (a) some small index cards or slips of paper; and (b) two pieces of
paper (as large as possible) titled 'Positive Self talk' and 'Negative Self-Talk'.

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Consider the following:
1. How might what we think about ourselves affect how we feel about ourselves?
2. How might positive self-talk generate positive feelings about yourself
3. Can we change the way we feel about ourselves? Can we control our thoughts and
feelings?

On each of the three pieces of paper, write down one thing that you say to yourself
about yourself. If you get stuck, start by thinking 'I am ...' or 'I can...' and see what
thoughts follow.

Now take the pieces of paper and decide whether you stick them to the larger
pieces of paper titled either 'Positive Self-Talk' or 'Negative Self-Talk'. Read each slip
out allowed, then note whether there are more negative or positive self-talk slips? Why
might this be the case?

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 Activity 8: The Wheel of Life

Partner/
spouse
Carreer/work/college/Uni

Money
Fun

Personal Health/
development fitness

Environment Friends/
(home, work) family

The eight sections in the wheel each represent some aspect of you and your life.
The examples show how you can produce a visual representation of your life as you feel it
is at this point in time. Drawing a line across the outer edge of a segment means that you
are really fulfilled in that area or things are great with that aspect of your life. Drawing
lines closer to the centre indicates less fulfilment or satisfaction. So you might imagine a
scale of 0 (at the centre) to 10 (at the outer edge). The wheel of life allows you to produce
a visual representation of your life as you see it.
Look at where you are scoring high and low. How are the lows impacting on your
life and your emotions?

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Tuning in to your senses

We tend to act according to our map or mental model of reality but “The map is not
the territory” (A. Korzybski, Science and Sanity, 1933). In other words the map of the
world that we create in our mind is not a true representation of what is out there (visual
illusions are an obvious example of this) – different people have different maps or different
views of the same situation. For example, a supporter of a football team may see a last
minute goal as the result of excellent technical skills, whereas a supporter of the opposing
team watching the same goal may see it as pure luck – they see the same events but their
representation of it differs. This is a consequence of filtering – as our senses receive
information, that information is filtered and distorted as a consequence of experiences and
expectations. Raising your self awareness can help you to distinguish between what is real
and what is a distortion, resulting from this filtering process. It can also help you to
understand others’ perspectives.

Distortion of our experiences can happen in 3 ways:

1.Deletion: we leave information out of our communications or ignore warning signs.
2.Generalisation: e.g. feeling that no-one likes you – everyone is against you (this is
highly unlikely!)
2.Distortion: e.g. you see two fellow friends/colleagues talking and laughing and glancing
at you – you ‘know’ they are making fun of you (there are many other possible things
happening here)

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 Activity 9: Tuning in to your senses:

Try thinking about how you might be distorting information – is your map always a
true representation of reality?
Do you delete any information that is received by your senses? (especially verbal)
Do you generalise when speaking? (Everything is so hard)
Do you distort information? (I got a low mark: this means the tutor really doesn’t like me)

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Activity 10: Understanding your emotions

Try keeping a feelings diary, record:

The situation – what happened?
What was your immediate response?
What did you think?
What physical changes did you experience? (heart racing, sweating,
calmness, cold shivers etc)
What did you feel (fear, anxiety, sadness…)

Think about whether or not you may have distorted any aspect of the event (see
activity 3 above). Were your actions/responses appropriate or inappropriate (with
hindsight)? Were your automatic thoughts true - what is the evidence? Would it be
beneficial to change my thinking in a similar situation in future?

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 Activity 11: Knowing your goals and motivators

Just as feelings are not always obvious to us without some thought and analysis,
similarly our goals and intentions are not always clear to us. By raising our awareness of
our goals we can take steps to ensure that we move towards them and are not easily
sidetracked. Our goals and what motivates us to achieve, and are linked to our values and
beliefs. So it’s important to be aware of our own values. Ask yourself:
What’s important to you, what do you really care about?
What excites you and challenges you?
What makes you feel good? Describe a time when life felt good.
What do you admire most in others?
Now think about your goals – what are they?
Do you have any habits that are working against your moving towards your goals?
Do you have any positive habits that are taking you towards your goals?

Raising your awareness of these aspects of your life and feelings will help you to
be clear about what you want and how you will get there – people with high emotional
intelligence (high self awareness) tend to be more successful.

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 2. Self management (managing emotions, mood regulation)

Inappropriate outbursts of temper are generally unproductive and can often lead to
negative consequences. It is important to learn how to manage our own emotions so we
respond in a manner that is appropriate to any given situation.

Activity 12: Stress Reduction

If you are prone to high levels of stress (which often leads to automatic and
inappropriate responses or emotional hijack) there are a number of simple activities
that may help to reduce the negative feelings, for example:
1.Exercise – join a gym or take part in a sport regularly
2.Massage
3.Yoga classes
4.Relax in a warm bath
5.Take regular time out (even if only for 5 minutes every 2 hours) and do something
relaxing, e.g.:
i) gaze out of the window and look carefully – what colours do you see? – In the sky,
in the birds, in the flowers, in the walls of nearby buildings, in the clothes of passer’s
by? Do the clouds form any kind of patterns?
ii) relax, close your eyes and cast your mind back to a wonderful experience – a
party, a walk with a loved one, a really successful football game – anything that
made you feel really good at the time. Imagine yourself there again. What do you
see? Look at the colours and describe them? What do you hear? Are there other
sounds? Are they loud, soft? What do you feel? Be there – for just five minutes and
enjoy the thrill and the warmth and the happiness or excitement again.
iii) go outside for 5 minutes and just walk around the block. Focus on your senses –
what do you see, hear, and smell? Really focus on your senses – there’s a lot more
going on than you realise!

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 Activity 13: Taking Responsibility for Yourself I

Identify and list all those things that act as triggers for automatic, inappropriate
responses and create a strategy to avoid the response. For example, each time you
experience a trigger sing your favourite song to yourself in your head or think of your
favourite activity or person or imagine yourself lying on a beach somewhere exotic. The
idea is to interrupt the automatic feelings and response so that you can stop and think about
what a more appropriate response might be at this point in time. You may want to give
yourself time to go away and think about your response, so “OK, I hear what you’re
saying, but I need a little time to think about that before I get back to you with my
decision”. Remember, we choose how we see a situation, we create our own maps of
reality – no-one can make us feel angry (or anything else).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Activity 14:Taking Responsibility for Yourself II

(Adaptation based on Activity 11 from Stop! Think! Choose! (2000)

First, think about what it means to be responsible. Consider the following: how power
comes from believing and accepting responsibility for what you think, feel, say and do;
how by 'saying he made me feel', we are giving away our choice to feel what ever we want
(we give away our control), how with every choice we make, we have to face the
consequences; and that taking responsibility requires impulse control and delayed
gratification.

Now think what would a responsible person think (i.e., positive self-talk), feel, say and do?
(Some examples are noted below).

Think (Self-Talk) Feel Say Do

'I can do this' 'I feel scared I'll make ' I think I need help Get to places on time
a mistake' with this Do everyday tasks e.g.,
'I feel confident that household chores, as
'I need to figure out Let’s give that new
what the consequences when I do my best, necessary
course a try (to a
will be if I decide to do things will be okay' friend)
this'

27
 Now think about which of these you do well already and which need improvement.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Activity 15: Managing Worry and Nervousness:

You may feel worried or nervous, for example, when you have to speak in public,
when exams are imminent, when you have to use the telephone or when it’s your first day
at a new job. Try to analyse your feelings and thoughts at times like this. So, ask
yourself:
What am I feeling?
Is it nervousness, worry, fear – maybe some excitement and exhilaration? Why?
What is the evidence that I should feel this way?
Is there any logic to my interpretation of this situation (remember you have created
your own representation of reality)
What is the worst that could happen? (Will it kill me? Will it make me ill?)
What is the best that could happen?
What if everything goes really well? What will that feel like? Look like? Sounds
like - Focus on this.
What can I gain or learn from this experience?

NEXT:
Remember a really positive time in your life when you felt good – stop and think about it –
see yourself there, feel the happiness and satisfaction again – focus in and amplify the
feelings that you felt then. Think about:
What happened?
Where?
When?
Why?
What were your physiological responses?
What did you feel like?

28
 What could you see?
What could you hear?
What could you touch?

In the future, when you feel anxious, nervous, worried, think about this session,
think abut the experience, and aim to feel positive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

29
 3. Relationship Management (self and other awareness, managing own
and other's emotions)

Emotional intelligence includes a consideration of how we relate to ourselves and

to others. Linda Field in The Self Esteem Workbook suggests that “The ways that people
treat us are reflections of the ways we treat ourselves”. If this is true, then having a clear
understanding of ourselves is vitally important if we are to establish successful
relationships with others. There are, of course, many types of relationships such as
personal partnerships, friendships or relationships with work colleagues or college peers.
The reasons for and the nature of different types of relationships will necessarily differ.

There are many reasons why relationships might fail. M. Chapman (2004) offers
the following potential factors:
•Unrealistic expectations
•Lack of empathy (a core EI component)
•Immaturity (low EI)
•Dependency/co-dependency
•Inability to assert ones own needs
•Poor communication
•Ineffective strategies for conflict resolution
•Personality differences (different maps of the world)

The activities included in the next section will help you to better understand your
relationships with others and will help you to continue to develop effective communication
skills.

30
 Activity 16: To Have a Friend Is to Be a Friend
(Adaptation of Activity 21 from Stop! Think! Choose!, 2000, written by Mapes.K)

Have a look at the following table Are there other concepts/ideas that you would
like to add?
Family These are our first relationships. We are
connected to our family through a legal
relationship: birth, marriage, or adoption. We
may or may not be friendly with our family
members.
Acquaintances These are people we know casually from
college, work, neighbourhood, or other places.
We do not know them very well and they do
not know us very well. We may say 'Hi' and
discuss general topics.
Friends These are the people we enjoy spending time
with. They know us better than other people.
Best Friends Best friends know us and accept us. We have
a high level of trust and comfort with these
special people. We easily share our thoughts
and feelings with our best friends and we
understand each other.
Boyfriend (husband)/Girlfriend (Wife) Ideally, these people know us and love us
more than anyone else. Besides our best
friends, they also may share physical intimacy
with us.

Read the following sentence: 'To have a friend is to be a friend'.

Now take a few minutes to think about your friendships with others – ask yourself
what qualities they have that you enjoy?

Next, fill out the left-hand column of the table below, where you check off 8 traits
that you want from a friend. Then, fill in the right hand column to indicate what you have
to offer as a friend.

31
To have a friend, you must be a friend (Taken from Mapes (2000). Stop! Think!
Choose!)

Follow these steps:

1. Check off the 8 qualities that you want in a friend in the left hand column.
2. Now check off the top 8 qualities that you have to offer in a friendship in the right-
hand column.
3. Answer the questions below the questionnaire.

What You What You

Want In Have to Offer
A friend Qualities for Friends As A Friend

1. Accepts you as you are; allows you to be yourself

2. Cares about you and your well being
3. Helps you with the problem solving
4. Is honest; doesn’t lie to you or cheat you
5. Is loyal to you, even in tough times.
They’ll stand up for you
6. Is reliable; you can count on him/her to do
what you have said
7. Keeps your confidence; doesn’t tell others what you have said
8. Listens to you when you share your thoughts, needs
and feelings
9. Often knows what you are thinking, needing and feeling
10. Puts you up, not down
11. Shows respect for you by what he or she says and does
12. Shares his/her thoughts and feelings with you
13. Supports you; is there for you when you need him or her
14. Understands you
15. Will apologise when wrong
16. Will tell you when he/she has a problem with you
and talk it out with you

What, if anything, is different between what you want in a friend and what you have to
offer in a friendship?

What will you ask for in your friends or change about yourself after doing this activity?

32
 If there is a discrepancy between what you want in a friend and what you have to
offer, think about how this might affect your current relationships. How might you change
this?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

An important part of communicating with others is being able to listen to them.

This is, of course, often more difficult than we think. At times, when we are supposed to
be listening to others, we become lost in our own thoughts and are not paying attention to
what is being said. Often these thoughts have nothing to do with what the speaker is
saying, whilst sometimes we are thinking of a response to the speaker. Further still, we
may disagree with what the speaker is saying and so do not attempt to try and understand
what he/she is saying.
Certain skills, such as active listening and giving feedback, can help most people
listen and communicate more effectively. Active listening uses the body to show another
that we are paying attention to him or her. Repeating back what someone has said, called
giving feedback, shows the speaker that the listener was listening. Activity 18 includes to
exercises that address the skills of listening and giving feedback. The first provides an
opportunity to brainstorm, thinking of ways that the body can show another person that we
are listening. The other exercises provide opportunities to practice active listening and
giving feedback.

Activity 18:Active Listening and Feedback Skills I

(Adaptation of Lesson 19 from Teaching Emotional Intelligence [1999] by Lewkowicz.
A.B)

Try to think of as many ways as possible which your body can show another person
that you are listening. As you come up with an example, use your body to demonstrate the
posture or gesture that you are talking about.
Also, consider the idea of giving feedback noted above.

33
ROLE PLAY: ACTIVE LISTENING
This activity will be need to be done with friends or family members. If this is not
possible you could engage in a pretend role play alone in order to practise some of the
techniques described below.

Assign people to the different roles of speaker, listener, and observer (if there are
only two of you try adopting the roles of just speaker and listener). You are going to
practice the skill of active listening, using your bodies to show that you are listening.

So:
1.The speaker talks for 5 minutes about something that happened to them this week.
2.The listener uses his/her body to let the speaker know that he or she is being listened to.
The listener can refer back to the brainstorm activity to remind him/her about the ways
in which bodies can show that one is listening.
3.The observer watches the listener, looking to see the ways in which the listener is using
his/her body to show that he/she is listening. The observer must also watch the speaker
to see if he/she responds to the listeners moves.
4.Discuss with your friend/s or family member/s what each person observed and felt.

ROLE PLAY: FEEDBACK

Now you are going to practice giving feedback. So, the listener is restating the facts
that he or she has been given by the speaker, to let the speaker know that he/she has been
heard. So, in this activity, the speaker speaks about the same situation as in the active
listening activity above. The listener actively listens to the story and then gives the speaker
feedback about what was heard (you need to decide when is the appropriate time to offer
feedback). The observer listens to hear if the listener is giving appropriate feedback (or is
it opinion or advice) at the appropriate time. The observer will watch the speaker to
observe reactions to the feedback, to help them decide whether the feedback was useful or
not.

Now think about whether it was difficult or not to give advice or opinion. Was it
difficult to stay attentive? What was it like hearing feedback?
How about swapping roles and repeating the activities again?

34
 Activity 19: More on Active Listening II

Active listening can lead to:

Improved, more effective communication
Better teamwork and collaboration
Improved friendships and relationships (work and personal)
Increased understanding of others

The better you listen and respond to others, the better they will listen to you. If you pay
more attention to someone else when they are talking, they are likely to pay more attention
to you when you are talking. Here are some tips for listening actively:
Listen twice as much as you speak
Maintain eye contact with the speaker
Make notes if appropriate
Always allow people to finish their own sentences (don’t jump in and complete them for
them – even if you do know what they’re going to say!)
Listen to all the information in the conversation, so that you won’t jump to wrong
conclusions
Make some response so the other person knows you are listening (nodding your head,
saying yes, mm etc)
Be open minded about what you are hearing (having preset ideas can lead to deletions)
Ask questions if you don’t understand something
Ask questions that prompt for deeper, more detailed information (Why?)
Pause before replying – it indicates you have considered your response

35
 It may be useful to complete the enclosed self-assessment sheet (adapted from materials
produced by Nightingale Conant: the Best Kept Secrets of Great Communicators). This
asks 12 questions about your own listening skills. Responses are scored as follows:
Usually: 4 points
Sometimes: 3 points
Rarely: 2 points
Never: 1 point

NB: questions score 4, 5, 6 and 9 are scored in reverse order:

Usually: 1 point
Sometimes: 2 points
Rarely: 3 points
Never: 4 points

On average, people score about 26 points, but there is a wide range. Importantly, if you do
score fairly low on this, you can use the response scores to identify which aspects of your
listening skills need to be developed. You could take the test again in a few months time
to see if you have improved.

Listening skills self-assessment

(adapted from 50 activities for self development, Francis and Woodcock)

Behaviour Usually Sometimes Rarely Never

1. Do you show interest in the person
speaking? (nodding head, maintaining
eye contact etc)
2. Do you show interest in the subject
under discussion?
3. Do you continue to listen when the
subject becomes boring?
4. Do you allow preconceived ideas to
reduce your attention?
5. Do you allow your enthusiasm to
lead you into jumping into the

36
conversation before the speaker has
finished?
6. Do you find yourself being critical
about the other person’s speech,
accent or tone of voice?
7. Do you regularly summarise to
yourself what you hear?
8. Do you ask questions to check for
understanding?
9. Do you allow your emotional
reactions to affect your attention to
what is being said?
10. Do you keep concentration when
difficult ideas are being expressed?
11. Do you make notes of what is
being said (if appropriate)?
12. Do you allow some time for
understanding to develop before
reacting?

37
Tips for building effective relationships (based upon ideas from M. Chapman, 2004):

•Establish the boundaries of the relationship (what is acceptable. What is not.)

• Check out the other person’s expectations/needs/wants
• Review your perceptions (are you distorting the evidence, drawing conclusion
for which there is no evidence)
• Review the other person’s perceptions of you – ask them!
• Think about your interactions – what went well, or not so well and why.
• Set clear goals for the relationship – what do you want out of it? What do they
want out of it?

Chapman also has a rather useful piece of advice: “realise and accept that you
cannot change other people. All you can do is to change yourself. When someone says or
does something to annoy you, the annoyance is not in the thing being done, but in your
response to the thing being done. Things and actions are not in themselves annoying: the
annoyance lies within us, in the response. If you keep on doing what you have always
done, you will keep on getting what you have always got!’” (2004, page 36).
L. Field (Weekend Life Coach, 2004) agrees that you can only make changes in
relationships when you are ready to change the messages you are sending to other people.
Field argues that each time you focus on the other person in the relationship – you are
looking in the wrong direction.

Rapport: the key to any relationship

Rapport means a relation of harmony, conformity, accord or affinity – it is an

important process in any interaction. Rapport is natural; we don’t so much need to create it
as to stop doing the things that will prevent it developing! Rapport derives from adopting
the position of another person. When we do this we are trying to understand the other
person from their point of view. As a result of this process we might realise that if we
knew what they know and had had the same experiences as they have had, then we would
probably act in just the same way as they are acting! In other words, it’s about ‘knowing
where the other person is coming from’.

38
 In order to build rapport you need to take a genuine interest in the other person, be
genuinely curious about who they are, what they think and feel, and be willing to see the
world from their point of view. There are several specific techniques that you can use to
deliberately try to establish rapport. However, these techniques need to be used very
carefully otherwise they may have the opposite effect! A process called mirroring can
work well if used wisely. Mirroring is the matching of certain behaviours of the other
person, whilst maintaining your own identity and integrity, e.g.:

•Matching voice tone (e.g. speed, volume, rhythm, characteristic sounds or

hesitations) (if they speak quietly and slowly so do you – but not so much
so that it seems like mimicking – you simply adapt your normal pace and
loudness to more closely fit with theirs)
•Matching breathing
•Matching rhythms of movement with another movement
•Matching body postures and gestures (body language)

If you watch close friends when they meet socially you will see that they naturally
match their body language, especially eye contact and people who are really close, such as
lovers, can be seen to be breathing in unison and very closely mirroring each others
actions. Try watching other people in different situations – are they in rapport or not? How
do you know?

Activity 20: Managing Feedback

Feedback is essential for learning. Without feedback – how do we know what we do well
and what we do less well? Feedback can be especially useful in helping us to build
successful relationships, but also in being successful generally. It’s important to use
feedback constructively as a source of information which can help us to move forward
towards more effective ways of behaving, acting or interacting.

Failure is actually an excellent and very useful form of feedback!

39
Successful people value failure – they attempt to get feedback from the failed situation so
that they can learn from it for the future. So, if something doesn’t work out as it should,
try asking yourself: How exactly did I do that?
What exactly did I do that didn’t work?
When did I do this? At what stage in the process?
Where did I do this? Does location matter?

Asking specific questions about failures helps to move us away from the more global self-
blaming response that often occurs “I was never any good at things like that and I never
will be” What never? What do you mean by “Things like that”. “I’m always late”, “I
always fail”, “I’ll never learn” - These are all unhelpful generalisations.

Learning to question these generalising statements can help us to understand where they
come from. Why do I believe that I will never learn? What is it that I do that makes me
think that?
Checking for exceptions to this kind of global statement can also help “I’m always late” –
Really? Can you think of an occasion when you were on time? How was that situation
different from others?

It can be useful to actively seek out feedback (don’t just wait for it to happen). Every
response to any one of your actions is potential feedback – there’s lots of it out there! Try
to take note of it and use it. Feedback may be written, but also it could be spoken, or it
could be in the body language of the people you are interacting with.

The rest of this activity will need the help of a friend or family member:

Now try to think of a time when something didn’t work out. Ask yourself the
questions above (how, what, when, where). Now tell a friend or family member about
your experience and why you think it didn’t work out. Ask your friend or family member
to challenge any generalising statements. The aim here is to help you to gain as much
feedback as possible about that situation that didn’t go well.
Next: think of something that you did really well and explain to your friend or
family member “how, what, when, where” of that success. What can be learned from each
of the positive and negative experiences for the future?

40
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Final comment:

Hopefully, the developmental tips and activities in this Workbook will help you to
develop your strengths across a range of emotional competencies. However, this
Workbook only touches the surface of some of a whole range of emotional competencies.

Daniel Goleman (1998) argues that:

“We are being judged by a new yardstick: not just how smart we are, or by our training and
expertise, but also by how well we handle ourselves and each other.”

By developing our emotional intelligence skills, we therefore give ourselves the

advantage in a highly competitive world.

Good luck with your personal development and have fun along the way!

Section Four: Re-Testing Your Emotional Intelligence

You have spent some time engaged in active development of key emotional
intelligence skills, so it is important to see if you have made gains on these skills. Below,
you will find another copy of the EI questionnaire you have previously filled in. Please
complete this copy of the questionnaire, trying not to look at your responses from last time.

41
Please respond to each of the following statements by rating how frequently you
demonstrate or use each behaviour. Use the following rating scale

1 = Never 2 = Rarely, 3 = Sometimes 4 = Often 5 = Consistently

Question Question Subscale A Subscale B Subscale C

Number

1 I know when to speak

about my personal
problems to others

2 When I am faced with

obstacles, I remember
times I faced similar
problems before
3 I expect that I will do
well on most things I try

4 Other people find it easy

to confide in me

5 I find it hard to
understand the non-
verbal messages of other
people

6 Some of the major life

events of my life have
led me to re-evaluate
what is important and
not important.

7 When my mood changes,

I see new possibilities

8 Emotions are one of the

things that make life
worth living

9 I am aware of my
emotions as I experience
them

42
10 I expect good things to
happen

11 I like to share my
emotions with others

12 When I experience a
positive emotions, I
know how to make it
last
13 I arrange events others
enjoy

14 I seek out activities that

make me happy

15 I am aware of non-
verbal messages I send
to others

16 I present myself in a
way that makes a good
impression on others

17 When I am in a positive
mood, solving problems
is easy for me

18 By looking at their facial

expressions, I know the
emotions people are
experiencing
19 I know why my
emotions change

20 When I am in a positive
mood, I am able to come
up with new ideas

21 I have control over my

emotions

43
22 I easily recognize my
emotions as I experience
them
23 I motivate myself by
imagining a good
outcome to tasks I take
on
24 I compliment others
when they have done
something well
25 I am aware of the non-
verbal messages other
people send
26 When another person
tells me about an
important event in his or
her life, I almost feel as
though I have
experienced that event
myself
27 When my emotions
change, I tend to change
my views on important
things
28 When I am faced with a
challenge, I give up
because I believe I will
fail
29 I know what other
people are feeling just
by looking at them
30 I help other people feel
better when they are
down
31 I use good moods to
help myself keep trying
in the face of obstacles
32 I can tell how people are
feeling by listening to
the tone of their voice
33 It is difficult for me to
understand why people
feel the way they do
Total

44
 Now you need to create your EI profile as it is currently and compare these scores
with those you had at the beginning of this workbook. So, you will first need to calculate
your total scores for the three EI facets, by adding the scores together for column A, then
column B, then column C. However, for questions 5, 28 and 33 you will need to use the
key below to obtain your score:
If your score is 1 change this to 5
If your score is 2 change this to 4
If your score is 3 leave this as 3
If your score is 4 change this to 2
If your score is 5 change this to 1
Once you have a score for each of the three columns (A, B and C), transfer your
total column scores from your completed questionnaire to the profile sheet below. Divide
each total score by the number noted in the table to get your final, mean score for each
domain. Visual learners may like to plot each of these scores in the shaded profile chart:
This will help you to see where your weaknesses and strengths are.
For example, your total score for A on the questionnaire is 36. Write 36 next to A
on the profile sheet, Appraisal of Emotions and then divide by 9 (in column 3). Your final
score for Appraisal of Emotions (A) is 3.6. Using a dot plot on line A of the shaded profile
chart.

1 2 3 4
5
Appraisal of Total A ÷9
emotions (emotion
perception)
Utilisation of Total B ÷19
emotions and Mood
regulation (aspect
of managing own
emotions)
Managing Other's Total C ÷5
Emotions

45
Summary Scores of Change from Time 1 to Time 2

Below is a summary table, where you need to transfer your scores for Time 1 and
Time 2. Look for changes of between 0.5 and above to show changes in EL domains.

Time 1 Time 2 Change Score

(T2-T1)
Appraisal of Emotions (A)
Utilization of Emotions and Mood Regulation
(B)
Managing Other People's Emotions (C)

As emotional intelligence is something that we need to continue to improve, please

complete the following questions to help guide the future EI work you do.

Continued Personal EI Development Planner

1. Which emotional intelligence competencies do you continue to demonstrate

at Level 4 or above? These are you strengths.
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

2. Have you improved to a Level 4 for any of the competencies? These are
now your strengths that you need to maintain.
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
3. Are there any emotional intelligence competencies that you continue to
demonstrate at level 3 or below? These are your areas for growth or
development.

46
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
4. Are there any emotional intelligence competencies that you have gone down
on? These are areas that may have been affected by recent events in your
life. You may need to find time to work on these areas.
_______________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
5. Which competency would you would like to work to develop over the
next 12 months. Make sure that you note down why you want to work on
these competencies (i.e., how do they relate to your quality or life in or
outside college).
1.__________________________________________________________
2.___________________________________________________________

47
References
Chapman, M. (2004). Emotional Intelligence Pocketbook. Smallwood Publishing
Ltd
Field, L (2004). Weekend Life Coach. Vermillion books.
Harrold, F. (2001). Be Your Own Life Coach. Coronet Books.
Kagan, M (1999). Higher-Level Thinking Questions: Personal and Social Skills.
Kagan Press.
Lewkowicz,A.B. (1999). Teaching Emotional Intelligence. Skylight Professional
Development Ltd.
Mapes, K. (2000). Stop! Think! Choose!: Building Emotional Intelligence in
Young People. Zephyr Press.
O’Connor, J. (2002). NLP Workbook. Element Books Ltd

48