Chinese Education

ISSN: 0009-4560 (Print) (Online) Journal homepage: http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/mced19

What Exactly is the Meaning of Life?

To cite this article: (1981) What Exactly is the Meaning of Life?, Chinese Education, 14:1, 5-13

To link to this article: http://dx.doi.org/10.2753/CED1061-193214015

Published online: 20 Dec 2014.

Submit your article to this journal

View related articles

Citing articles: 1 View citing articles

Full Terms & Conditions of access and use can be found at

http://www.tandfonline.com/action/journalInformation?journalCode=mced19

Download by: [ECU Libraries] Date: 13 August 2017, At: 23:07

 WHAT EXACTLY IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?*

Editor's Remarks
Downloaded by [ECU Libraries] at 23:07 13 August 2017

We study young people. Young people study society and life.

Young people often have the following experience: when they
suddenly lose something they believe in and aspire to, when the
passage of time makes them painfully aware of their incom-
petence and lack of achievements, o r when touched by a certain
scene which evokes the past, a serious question, like the hard
look of a judge, will confront them: what exactly is the mean-
ing of life ?
Has this old question been raised again? Yes, it has. But it
has implications unique to the 1980s.
Those familiar with the changes, the ups and downs, of the
past several decades will have no difficulty understanding the
ordeal of young people in their exploration of life.
Like Pan Xiao, they were sincere in their belief that every-
thing in this world i s beautiful, and they were truly willing to
dedicate themselves to the revolution and their beliefs. How-
ever, ten years of turmoil swept all this away. Could there be
such an amazingly wide difference between ideal and reality?
Could the journey of life be so difficult? Is the purpose of life
so ambiguous and untangible?! They hesitate and feel de-
pressed.. . .
Nonetheless, they a r e unwilling to become nihilists. They
a r e still exploring, exploring arduously! "Long and winding is

*A Discussion Column: "Renshengde yiyi jiujing shi shenma?"

Zhongguo qingnian [China Youth], 1980, No. 5.
 6 Chinese Education

the road, I will search high and low for it."*

They explore life bearing their wounds from the past.
They reexamine life with eyes drawn by the progress of
modern science.
They ponder life with a concern for the nation's destiny and
the future of mankind.
A s has happened many times in the past, on the eve of a
giant step forward in human history, a large-scale debate on
the human prospect has taken place. During the Renaissance
Downloaded by [ECU Libraries] at 23:07 13 August 2017

in Europe, there was a discussion on the theory of human na-

ture and humanism. On the eve of the Russian revolution there
was the discussion on homocentrism and life of the new man.
During the May Fourth movement in China people discussed
science and the outlook on life. All of them contributed to the
progress of society.
Today, when our nation has just undergone such a catastrophe
and i s at the critical juncture of rapid revitalization, and when
science and civilization have progressed to such an advanced
stage, the question of the meaning of life is bound to be brought
up again among young people.
It should be admitted that hesitation and depression repre-
sent historical progress over apathy and ossification. We have
no need to conceal the fact that our society still has its ills.
They will not disappear by themselves simply because they
violate some people's taboo, o r because some people detest
this world and its ways. However, the younger generation of
the People's Republic, having been baptized by blood and fire
during the ten years of upheaval, and having experienced the
tempering of all kinds of setbacks, dangers and disasters, have
not forsaken the mission entrusted to them by our age. The
mainstream among them has become even stronger. Shoulder-
ing the high hopes of the nation and standing firm on China's
soil, they hold up the torch for the new Long March and
staunchly surge forward. Pondering on and searching for the
meaning of life will become the younger generation's new start-

*A line by the famous ancient poet Q u Yuan.

 The Meaning of Life 7

ing point in their journey of life.

How should one a s s e s s society? How should one deal with
life? When the ideal contradicts reality, how can one make
one's life meaningful? Where i s the value of one's life? - Let
the young themselves discuss these serious questions.
Here we would like to publish a candid and sincere letter
Comrade Pan Xiao wrote to the editorial department. Comrade
Pan said: "The hearts of young people beat in harmony." An
Downloaded by [ECU Libraries] at 23:07 13 August 2017

extensive, fair, and scientific discussion on the meaning of

life, we believe, will benefit all young people. Comrade Pan
and many other youths will each find in their different paths of
life the road signs guiding them forward.

Why I s It the Path of Life I s Ever Narrowing

a s One Walks Along?

Comrade Editor:

I am now twenty-three years old. It should be said that for

me life has just begun. l3ut it seems that all the mystery and
attraction of life no longer exist and I have already reached its
end. Looking back on my journey, it has been a trip from pur-
ple to gray, a trip from hope through disappointment to despair,
a long river of ideology originating at a selfless source and
terminating with the self a s center.
In the past I was filled with beautiful wishes and dreams for
life. I heard the stories How Steel I s Tempered and Lei Feng's
Diary when I was a pupil in primary school. Though unable to
appreciate fully the import of these stories, I was so excited
by the heroes' deeds that I could not go to sleep night after
night. Paul* made this famous remark on the meaning of life.
"One should spend his life in such a way that when he recol-
lects the past, he will have no need to regret unfruitful years;
nor will he be ashamed for having been incompetent and having

*Protagonist of the novel How Steel I s Tempered. - Tr.

 8 Chinese Education

.
achieved nothing. . ." In neat handwriting I copied these few
lines on the f i r s t page of my diary. When the first diary was
filled, I recopied it in the second one. How encouraging this
passage was for me! I thought that because my father, mother
and grandfather-in-law were a l l Communist Party members,
naturally I would embrace communism and join the Party later.
All this was beyond doubt.
Afterward, I read by chance a previously published pamphlet
entitled For Whom Should One Live and How Should One Act?
Downloaded by [ECU Libraries] at 23:07 13 August 2017

I read it again and again, completely absorbed. I began to form

my preliminary, and also my most beautiful, view of life: to
live is to make others live even better; to live one must have
lofty ideals and be ready to dedicate all one has to the needs of
the Party and people. I lost myself in a passion of dedication.
I wrote in my diary whole paragraphs of dazzling words and
tried to model myself on heroes in everything I did o r said.
Nevertheless, I often felt an indistinct pain. What I saw with
my eyes often contrasted sharply with the teachings in my head.
Not long after I entered primary school, the tide of the Cul-
tural Revolution started rolling and became increasingly tur-
bulent. I witnessed such things a s the ransacking of houses,
violence, treating human lives a s if they were nothing, my fam-
ily looking down all day, my grandfather-in-law cautiously pre-
paring self-criticism, young people older than I mouthing ob-
scenities, playing cards and smoking all day. When seeing off
my little aunt to the countryside, I saw people around all weep
bitterly, beating their chests and stamping their feet. I was
somewhat puzzled; I began to feel things around me did not
appear a s attractive a s they had in books I read previously. I
asked myself: Should I believe the books o r my eyes? Should
I trust the teachers o r myself? Still young a t that time, I was
unable to probe these social phenomena. In addition, my past
education had equipped me with a strange capacity to shut my
eyes to the outside, to persuade myself, to memorize Chairman
Mao's quotations, to find refuge in the noble recess of my heart.
But later this did not work. Life began to hit me with heavy
blows. The year I graduated from junior high school, my grand-
 The Meaning of Life 9

father- in- law passed away. A harmonious and affectionate

family suddenly became callous, and monetary problems caused
a big fight. Because of this, my mother, who lived in another
city, refused to send me living expenses. A s a result, I was
unable to continue my studies and was reduced to being an un-
employed youth. It was really a head-on blow for me. Good
heavens, if things can be this way among members of a family,
how should people treat each other in society? I was seriously
Downloaded by [ECU Libraries] at 23:07 13 August 2017

ill for a time. After I got well, with the help of a few close
schoolmates, I wrote to the subdistrict office and won their
sympathy. I was assigned to a small collectively owned fac-
tory and started to earn my own living. At that time I still as-
pired to the true, the good, and the beautiful and thought the
misfortune in my family was probably exceptional. Now that I
had embarked on life, it was still full of appeal; it beckoned
me.
However, I was disappointed again.
I trusted the Party organization. But when I offered a criti-
cal opinion to the leadership, it unexpectedly became the rea-
son preventing me from joining the Communist Youth League
for many years.
I sought help from friendship. Wlt once when I committed an
e r r o r , a close friend quietly put on paper all the intimate words
I had said to her and reported them to the leadership.
I searched for love. I got to know the son of a ranking cadre.
Persecuted by the "Gang of Four," his father had long been in
a difficult situation. I lavished on him my sincerest love and
deepest sympathy. I nursed his wounds with my injured heart.
Some people say that a woman gives all her heart in pursuit of
love; it is from love that she can gain support for her life.
There is no denying that the remark contains truth. Even
though life hit me from outside, I had love; love gave me com-
fort and happiness. I did not expect that after the downfall of
the "Gang of Four ," when his father was restored to his former
status, he would turn his back on me a s he has ever since.
I was confined to bed. For two days and nights I could neither
eat nor sleep. I was angry and agitated. I felt suffocated a s if
 10 Chinese Education

I would explode. Oh life, you have truly shown me your ugly

and ferocious features. Can this be the mystery you want to
reveal to me?
Searching f o r an answer to the meaning of life, I observe peo-
ple. I have consulted gray-haired old men, fledgling youth,
cautious and conscientious workers, and peasants who work
from dawn to dusk, but none of them has given me a satisfac-
tory answer. To live for the sake of revolution, for example,
appears to be hollow and wide of the mark. Besides, I am no
Downloaded by [ECU Libraries] at 23:07 13 August 2017

longer interested in that sort of indoctrination. If we say one

lives for fame, that would probably sound too remote for peo-
ple in general. There a r e not many who either "leave a good
name for a hundred generations" o r "go down in history a s a
byword of infamy." To say that one has to live for the whole
of mankind would be irrelevant to reality: If people can kick
up a row for a few work points o r make a scene over trifles,
how can they talk in such extravagant t e r m s a s "mankind"? If
life means the pleasure of eating, drinking and playing, then
one becomes but a sojourner in the world, is born with a bare
body and dies just skin and bones; that does not amount to much.
Many people have tried to persuade me to stop cudgeling my
brains, saying: "Life is for the sake of living. Many people do
not understand its meaning, but they lead a happy life just the
same." But this won't do for me. I keep turning over in my
mind such things a s life, meaning.. . a s if a noose were tied
around my neck, forcing me to make a decision right away.
I sought help from the treasure house of man's wisdom - I
buried myself in reading in the hope that I could find an answer
and consolation in books. I read Hegel, Darwin and Irving, and
works by Balzac, Hugo, Turgenev, Tolstoy, Lu Xun, Cao Yu,
Ba Jin, and others. But reading did not spare me from my
painful thoughts. Like a knife, the incisive pens of those mas-
t e r s strip and expose human nature layer after layer, allowing
me to perceive even more deeply all the ugly things in the
world. I was surprised to find the resemblance between what
happens with humans in the r e a l world and in the world de-
scribed by the masters. Regardless of whether I am absorbed
 The Meaning of Life

in books o r have returned to reality, I see around me no one

but people like Grandet and Nekhlndov. I lay in bed, tossing and
turning, thinking all the while. I thought hard, racking my
brains. Slowly I calmed down and became apathetic. Social
Darwinism enlightens me deeply on this: Man is, after all, a
human being. No one can escape the law governing his inner
being. At a critical moment of gain o r loss, he will make a
choice a s his instinct dictates. No one will abide by the lofty
ethics and ideas they usually pay lip service to. A l l men a r e
Downloaded by [ECU Libraries] at 23:07 13 August 2017

selfish and no one can be seLfless and noble-minded. Propa-

ganda conducted in the past was either fabricated o r excessive
exaggeration of the facts. If this were not true, then let me
put this question to all the imposing saints, learned scholars,
honorable teachers, and respectable propagandists: "How many
of you can claim to be immune from the law of selfish desires
if you dare to examine yourselves squarely?" In the past I
fanatically believed that "to live is to make others live even
better," and "one should not begrudge laying down one's life
f o r the sake of the people." Recalling this, I realize how ridic-
ulous it was!
Seeing through life has given me a dual personality. On the
one hand, I condemn vulgar reality; on the other hand, I drift
with the tide. A s Hegel said: "All that i s realistic i s rational
and all that i s rational i s realistic." This has almost become
a motto for me to console myself and heal my wounds. I am
also a human being. I am not a person of noble mind, but I am
rational just a s others are. I, too, scramble for wages and
haggle over monetary rewards. I have learned to flatter and
tell lies. When doing this, it pains my heart; but I recover
when I call to mind what Hegel said.
Of course, I am unwilling to indulge in the pleasures of eat-
ing, drinking, and playing, being muddleheaded all my life. I
have my own career. I have developed a love for literature
since childhood which has grown with all the hardships I have
suffered. I intend more than ever to depict all this with a lit-
e r a r y pen. It can be said that I live and do all the things I a m
doing for the sake of literature.
 12 Chinese Education

It seems, however, that no one can understand me. In the

factory where I work, most of the workers a r e housewives.
The young girls talk about nothing but permanent waves and
clothes. I can hardly find anything in common to discuss with
them. They call me eccentric and aloof and ask me whether I
want to remain celibate. I take no notice of them and dislike
their vulgarity. Being out of tune with the people around me
often leads to a feeling of sadness and desolation. Whenever I
am overcome by loneliness, I want immediately to join others
Downloaded by [ECU Libraries] at 23:07 13 August 2017

in talking and laughing. But once I come into contact with their
coarse language and jokes, I feel it is better to find refuge in
solitude.
I am fully aware that my intention to write is not because I
want to make contributions to the people o r to do my bit for the
four modernizations program. I do it for myself, to fulfill the
need of my individual character. I am not reconciled to having
society regard me a s an insignificant person; I have decided to
demonstrate my presence by my writing. I cling to this a s my
sole spiritual pillar with all my might a s if I were desperately
holding on to a small boat in an ocean threatening to engulf me.
It is my understanding that anyone, whether for the purpose of
living o r creating, i s subjectively furthering his personal ends
and objectively the ends of others, just a s the sun giving out
light i s primarily an inevitable phenomenon of its own move-
ment of existence. Its shining on other things i s but an objec-
tive effect derived from the movement. Therefore I think that
so long a s everyone can do his best to increase the value of his
existence, it will inevitably help the entire society move for-
ward. This is probably the law of mankind, a law that governs
the progress of living things - a law that can in no way be en-
gulfed o r deceived by any arrogant indoctrination!
Supposedly a person should feel solid, happy, and powerful
once he has a career to pursue. But my case is different. I
feel a s if I were undergoing an ordeal, struggling and torturing
myself. I always t r y to be strong, but I know I am weak inside.
I earn very little but have to spend a lot on books and manu-
script papers. This forces me to count every dime and
 The Meaning of Life 13

penny.. .. Sometimes it suddenly occurs to me: why should

I go to all this trouble pursuing a career and torture myself?
I, too, am a human being and should also have a cozy, happy
home. I can be a virtuous wife and a loving mother. Besides,
is it really possible that I can produce something valuable?
Granted that I can produce something, can a few manuscripts
have the power to agitate life and influence society? I just do
not believe it. Some say that the times a r e moving forward,
Downloaded by [ECU Libraries] at 23:07 13 August 2017

but I cannot feel their powerful arms. Others say in this world
there is a broad and great cause, but I have no idea of its
whereabouts. Oh, the path of life, why is it ever narrowing a s
one walks along? As for myself, I am already so tired now. It
seems that slackening for a moment would mean total destruc-
tion. Indeed, I did stealthily go to watch the service at a Catho-
lic church; I struck upon the idea of cutting my hair to become
a nun; and I even went so far a s intending to end my life - I a m
extremely confused and self-contradictory.
Comrade Editor, I write this letter to you when my feelings
a r e at the lowest ebb, I make a clean breast of all this not be-
cause I intend to find from you any effective prescription o r
wonderful cure. If you a r e courageous enough to publish the
letter, I a m willing to let all young people in the country read
it. It is my belief that young people's hearts beat in harmony
and they can communicate with each other. Perhaps I can get
some help from them.

Pan Xiao
April 1980

(Editor's Note: On all incoming manuscripts for the discussion

of this question, please mark in the upper right corner of the
envelope "Question Discussion.")