Friends or Lovers

Commissioned by Social Exchange Ltd

Rory Ridley-Duff
Friends or Lovers
For every man who has lost love, and every woman who can t find it
Penny Leyton is one smart sexy woman on her way to the top. Bridget Jones she ce
rtainly is not, but she has the same chaotic approach to romance. Just as she is
breaking through the glass ceiling, her boss Dave Stockton hints at a workplace
scandal. Ablaze with moral outrage, Penny realises too late that one of her own
friends is implicated and that she is part of the problem. Can she untangle her
self from a hidden web of intrigue and save herself?
Dr Rory Ridley-Duff is an author, composer and university lecturer whose researc
h established how friendship, courtship and parental interests shape behaviour i
n organisations. His interest in gender issues and workplace democracy evolved o
ut of directorships in worker cooperatives and 15 years of consultancy work in t
he social economy.
www.roryridleyduff.com
Anyone who cares about love will give this book to their partner or spouse, siste
r or brother.
Dr Poonam Thapa
Gender, Culture and Sexual Health Expert
Also by Rory Ridley-Duff
Emotion, Seduction and Intimacy: Alternative Perspectives on Human Behaviour
Rory?s work is insightful and helps to redress some of the imbalances in the femi
nist theory of patriarchy while simultaneously introducing the concepts of gende
r and intimacy to the subject of enterprise governance .
Professor Phil Johnson, Head of HRM and Organisational Behaviour, Sheffield Univ
ersity
Rory is a man who has deliberately chosen the left-hand path of progress. He does
not shun the moral maze of human desires and passions but brings greater unders
tanding to that very facet of life the forbidden fruit that made us fall from gr
ace and its role in our emancipation.
Dr Poonam Thapa
Gender, Culture and Sexual Health Expert
Available from Amazon.co.uk
Copyright © Rory Ridley-Duff, 2009
All rights reserved. No reproduction, copy or transmission of this publication m
ay be made without written permission except as defined below.
No material may be reused except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyri
ght, Designs and Patents Act 1988, or under the terms of any licence permitting
limited copying issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham Court Roa
d, London W1T 4LP.
Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be
liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
Rory Ridley-Duff has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this w
ork in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Acts 1988.
Published by:
Rory Ridley-Duff
4 Rosehill Close
Penistone
Sheffield
S36 6UF
Social Exchange logo designed by Natasha Ridley-Duff
Acknowledgements
The people who made this book possible are numerous. Firstly, I?d like to thank
Caroline, my wife, for the enormous patience and support she has given to my wri
ting aspirations. It is every author?s dream to have someone with whom they can
freely discuss ideas, draft chapters, propose story lines, and who will also che
ck their manuscript for errors and support them through lean times. For these an
d many other reasons, you are still my dream woman.
To family members and life-long friends who did not spare my feelings in their f
eedback on early drafts, you have my enduring thanks. Your comments were invalua
ble and I trust you will spot your influence in the end result. To my children,
Natasha and Bethany, you have been a constant source of inspiration and the best
antidote to loneliness that any writer could ask for.
This book tackles a sensitive subject and I am indebted to many research partici
pants and work colleagues for the insights they have provided over the years (wh
ether intended or not). This book is fiction but without undertaking a series of
workplace studies, this text would never have seen the light of day or come clo
se to the reality of working life in early 21st Century Britain.
To my muse in business, Poonam, I thank you for helping me find moral courage wh
en everyone around me thought I was mad or hopelessly naïve for writing this novel
. Our conversations about the human condition will remain with me always.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 1
So, Mike, I said, why have you been bothering Elona?
He looked so unconcerned that it made me slightly irritable, but that is not som
ething that you show in this job. Calm, confident, concise look him in the eye.
It?s nothing, just a misunderstanding. She wanted to discuss something private so
I asked her if she?d like to go for a drink. She said no?. End of story. It?s no
big deal.
Not to you, maybe. There?s been a complaint.
She?s never said anything about it. If she felt uncomfortable, she never showed i
t. And yes, we?ve been close at times, and sometimes I think she?s tried to flir
t with me, but I?ve always been careful.
Mike looked uncomfortable now. His eyes looked around the floor. The frown on hi
s brow was more pronounced. Time to give him a push.
Bit of a tease, was she? I said with a laugh.
No, that?s not what I?m saying. I?m not making out she was up for it? or anything
crude like that. I just never got any sense that she didn?t like the way I behav
ed.
Yes, Mike was traditionalist all right. To him a bit of fun? probably included th
e occasional trip to a lap-dancing bar or shagging in the toilets. To Elona, it
was a different matter. Still, Mike was moderately bright, had worked his way up
through the ranks, landed himself a regional sales management job and probably
felt he was enjoying the best years of his life. He was married and fancied hims
elf a bit too much, if you ask me. He prided himself on being friendly? but I jus
t found him a creep. He was 50, one of those pretty boys? who does not realise th
at
Friends or Lovers
they are past it. God, was he past it! He had aged well, I guess, but too old fo
r me definitely! And he really irritated me when he shared dirty jokes with his
friends but never with me. I could see right through him. He was certainly not m
y type. Not my type at all.
I?m fairly new here. Nine months into my first job as Head of Personnel. In my p
revious job I?d been fast-tracked to deputy director but came up against the gla
ss ceiling. To progress I had to move. I guess the sexual revolution has helped
a bit. Twenty years ago this company would not have contemplated me in this posi
tion. Many of my management colleagues are women too. I can see that men have it
harder in some respects, but the patriarchy seems alive and well. Mike is proof
enough of that. I would not call myself a feminist, but I?m not averse to a con
frontation with the occasional unreconstructed man, particularly in the company
of like-minded female friends. It can be quite a laugh making a sexist-pig squir
m.
So, here we are. Mike the macho, sales rep of the year four years ago, now leadi
ng a successful team but getting angry when one of his administrative staff won?
t go for a drink with him. Married with children, probably bored at home, still
wanting to resurrect his youth and put it about. Not quite as straightforward as
some situations I?ve faced because he has a good reputation and is well liked.
I think, perhaps, I?d better check with my boss before I do anything here.
Mike. Leave it with me for the next 24 hours, I?ll look into this and get back to
you. In the mean time, steer clear of Elona. She?s a bit sensitive at the momen
t. Boyfriend trouble, I think. Come see me tomorrow and we?ll wrap this up.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Mike did not look relieved at these comments and mumbled something I could not h
ear. He shook my hand. His eyes met mine and he fixed his gaze for just a second
then looked away. He had never struck me as a formal sort before.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 2
He?s done what? asked Dave, my director.
Not completely sure, but it clearly looks like he?s got the hots for Elona. I hea
r he?s not been a paragon of virtue in the past. This does worry me. Elona?s ups
et. I can?t let this rest.
I liked Dave. Unlike most men, he engaged with women as equals and was sympathet
ic to many of the problems they faced. I could happily spend time in his company
in the office or away on business. He enjoyed working with me but was careful n
ever to overstep the mark or make me feel uncomfortable. He was not much older t
han me, and I knew that he was ambitious too. We shared a professional ethic and
modern outlook.
Well, this isn?t easy. Mike?s good his team like him. But I agree we can?t let th
is pass. Zero-tolerance and all that! What?s right here, Penny?
I was not sure whether the question was rhetorical but as no more words were for
thcoming I gathered my thoughts.
As far as I?m aware this is the first such complaint against Mike. I don?t think
he should be sacked, but we should move him. It?s fair to Mike and it ll send a st
rong message to the rest of the company that it won?t be tolerated.
Dave looked at me thoughtfully for several seconds.
Do it sensitively, Penny. Okay?
I nodded.
* * *
Innovation Centre Ltd was modern and dynamic. Dave was Director of Business Devel
opment? and spent his time seeking out creative types and developing relationshi
ps with them. He
Rory Ridley-Duff
found inventors, got them to commit their products to us then helped them obtain
development grants. Over the last decade, the Innovation Centre or IC as we cal
l it in-house - has created a network of 60 inventors and a catalogue of wonderf
ul gadgets.
As for me, I did the women into business? thing a few years back. They were dishi
ng out bursaries to encourage graduates into management. I thought I may as well
get myself an MBA - couldn?t see what harm it would do - and now I understand a
ll that talk of returns on investment, nett present values and can put together
a business plan. I still prefer the relationship? thing, however, and decided to
specialise in human relations work.
Dave has a penchant for that too. He looks smart, speaks well and is incredible
at building trust. He mentors me and I appreciate that. Of course he?s taken mos
t guys like him are and he now has a young child that he rarely sees. I remember
that he wistfully joked once that IC not only wanted its pound of flesh but als
o insisted that you hand it over with a smile. Much as I like him, he is strictly
business?. I?ve read my share of self-help books, but avoid the ones called How
to Find the Man of your Dreams at Work . They?re fine for those who want to give u
p work when they find their prince, but for me they?re a heap of crap.
My friends joke that I am a model of the Cosmopolitan revolution vibrant, smartl
y sexy, intelligent, able to live independently, but go out on the town and get
a shag if I want to. I have my share of paranoia about my looks, but even so I a
m a bit of a man magnet when I wear black. I?ve worked hard for my career. Workp
lace relationships might put that at risk. Most men are bastards anyway, interes
ted only in sex, football
Friends or Lovers
and drinking. I do boyfriends, but only until they want me to cook them a special
? meal or wash their clothes. I lived with a guy once but soon felt like his mot
her. I dumped him. Since then, I?ve taken my pleasure carefully and on my own te
rms. It seems to work for me.
* * *
Thanks for dropping in, Mike, I said showing him to a chair. I?ve had a chat with D
ave and Elona about the situation and I?ve a suggestion for you.
Mike looked at me and nodded to indicate he was ready. I can?t say that I like t
his side of my job, but it goes with the territory and you have to harden yourse
lf to it.
We think it?d be a good move for you to join Direct Marketing. Same salary, same
status. It?d mean travelling more, of course, and working with a new team. They?
re a bit wet behind the ears, so we want someone with lots of experience.
Mike looked blankly at me for a moment. Carry on, he said quietly.
It?s a new project. Another feather in your cap.
Cut the crap, Penny, Mike interjected, I wasn?t born yesterday. I?m taking the flak
for Elona, aren?t I?
Well, we need a solution to that too, and this provides one.
And what if I don?t take this position? he asked.
That?d create a problem, I said firmly. Our eyes locked and his hand moved up and
rubbed his chin, then around the side of his head as he pinched his ear-lobe.
Can you give me until Monday? he asked.
Rory Ridley-Duff
No, Mike, I?m away in France next week. I can give you til 4 pm. If you need to ta
lk to your wife then take the day off, but I don?t want this hanging around whil
e I?m away.
She?s working.
Can?t you call her? Meet her for lunch?
I?ll try. Penny... he hesitated. He was trying to say something, but I could see t
hat he was struggling to find the words.
What is it, Mike?
This his eyes looked up at the ceiling then down at the floor. His awkwardness was
palpable but no further words came out.
If that?s all, Mike, I have to go.
I got up from my seat and felt his eyes burn a hole in me. He was not a happy ma
n.
Mike called me back later that day and accepted the new job. It is never easy gi
ving someone a sideways move but it has to be done sometimes. The hardest thing
is protecting someone?s dignity while sending a message that some behaviour is u
nacceptable. In some ways, I feel sorry for Mike, but the world is changing and
the type of behaviour he is responsible for is no longer acceptable to either me
n or women. I do have a conscience. I was able to protect his income. He can?t r
eally complain. His family is still safe. The problem is sorted and Elona is pro
tected. I get a small amount of satisfaction that I can contribute to changing t
he values of society and make the world slightly safer for women. If I have to c
lip the wings of a man who sets a bad example then it feels like a job well done
.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 3
France was fun, but hard work a two-day conference. If I go to these events with
Dave I feel obliged to spend time with him, but this time I was on my own and h
ad the chance to really let my hair down. If there is one thing I enjoy about go
ing away on business it is the freedom I have in the evenings. At home I might b
ump into a neighbour or colleague from work. But abroad, I can either lock mysel
f away in my hotel room and read a good book or slip on a sexy outfit to indulge
myself at conference parties.
This time I did both. First night I snuggled down with a Bernice Rubens novel. T
he second night I decided to dress up and take my chances at the conference part
y. After relaxing in the bath, I shaved, moisturised myself with assorted oils,
and applied a dab of Clinique near my ears, wrists and breasts before setting of
f to await the chat up lines. It was a dull evening.
The best approach I got all week was not at the conference. He must have been at
least ten years older than me and at the boarding gate I saw him reading what l
ooked like a textbook. Our eyes met briefly a couple of times. He was casually d
ressed in jeans and a black top. I studied him. He had dark brown hair with touc
hes of white. I guess he was around 45 but still had a hint of the handsome feat
ures of his youth. He had definitely aged well. His eyes were brown and there we
re wrinkles stretching from the outer corners across both temples. Clearly he wa
s a person used to smiling and laughing. They were nice eyes, kind but sexy. Whe
n he cast them in my direction, I could feel them undressing me. Usually that pi
ssed me off, but not
Rory Ridley-Duff
today. He was not bad, I thought. A pity he had not been at the party the night
before.
When we boarded the plane, I manoeuvred myself into the queue just in front of h
im. My bum looks good in jeans so I ensured that he got a good look at it by ben
ding down to tie a (non-existent) shoelace. It seemed to have the desired effect
because five minutes later I was in a window seat and he sat down next to me. H
e continued to read his book until the plane took off but then started to look a
cross me out of the window. As the plane rose higher and higher, he continued to
gaze at the buildings and roads below.
Flying always makes me feel humble, he suddenly remarked. You look down there and y
ou realise just how insignificant you are.
He looked straight into my eyes and held my gaze for a second, and then he smile
d. All the lines at the corners of his eyes creased. Definitely nice eyes. I ins
tinctively smiled back. He held my gaze long enough to let me know he liked the
way I looked, then without another word he resumed reading his book. From then o
n, I noticed his every move. He was reading intently, underlining phrases that c
aught his imagination. Sometimes he would sigh, and at other times he frowned. A
fter a while he let out a laugh.
A comedy? I asked.
He turned to me again and smiled.
Of sorts, he remarked showing me the title of an article he was reading. I obliged
by reading it out.
The impact of sexuality on group dynamics: a symbolic interactionist perspective.
I paused for a moment and then quipped, Some comedy!
Friends or Lovers
He looked carefully at me and nodded in agreement.
Penny, I announced, thirty-something manager from Warwickshire.
John, he responded, forty-something consultant from London.
There was that smile again. This time I held his gaze for a little longer to let
him know I liked the way he looked.
A consultant, eh! In what field? I enquired.
Behaviour, he responded.
Are you in my line of work? I asked, hoping to dig a bit into his background.
And what line is that?
Employees. I?m an HR manager.
Partly, I guess. I sometimes work with HR people. I would guess they read my work
sometimes .
You?re a writer? This was getting better and better.
Well, I write, but I?m not a writer. I mean I don?t write for a living; writing i
s a by-product of my living.
Very enigmatic. So, what is it you do?
He paused.
I challenge the way people look at themselves and each other, he said guardedly.
In what way? I was genuinely curious.
Well .I might help men to look at women differently, or women to look at men differ
ently.
 So are you a relationship counsellor? A sex therapist? As I said the word sex? I pl
aced just enough emphasis on it to ensure he knew it was a flirt.
Only to my wife! he joked, acknowledging my interest and deflecting it at the same
time.
Rory Ridley-Duff
You?ve got a wife? the words came out so fast that I kicked myself.
Yes, and kids, he immediately answered.
He continued without any trace of embarrassment while I wanted to shrink into my
seat. If my cheeks had coloured up, he convinced me that they had not.
Some of my clients think of me as a pain in the arse.
I was tempted to make another flirty comment, but resisted.
Why?
Well, let?s see. You?re in HR, right? You must have an abundance of knowledge? abo
ut men and women.
The way he said knowledge? was weird, like a challenge. Did I detect the hint of
mockery?
As much as the next person, I guess.
Oh, more than that, surely? It is your job to know about men and women. You must
be acutely aware of their typical profile.
Of course, I said with a smile. Woman are made of sugar and spice and all things ni
ce while men are made of slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails.
He smiled.
We don?t have long enough to discuss that one! Okay. A taster only. Let?s take so
mething outside your everyday experience. Let?s think about the army.
The army! I was genuinely surprised. Your assumption is right. Khaki never was my c
olour and I don?t like getting dirty.
You disappoint me, he said, raising his eyebrows.
What about the army, then? I asked, brushing aside his comment with a smile.
Friends or Lovers
Well, it may not be fair. I usually ask this question at the end of a course, he s
aid.
Aha! The million pound question! I said. Can I ask the audience?
Well, it?s your opinion that really intrigues me, he said.
I liked that. It was flattering to think I intrigued him.
Okay. Here?s your question. What?s the most sexist thing about the army??
What an odd question, I thought, and it made me pause.
Fuck! Where do I begin?
Where would this lead? I turned over half a dozen arguments in my head the army
is, after all, an organisation created by men, staffed largely by men with the p
urpose of keeping men in power. However, I didn?t want to spoil a promising conv
ersation by saying this. I started to offer less controversial suggestions.
Bullying, raping and abusing.
He looked at me kindly.
That?s three things, he said with a wry smile.
I saw a documentary some time ago about women in the army. Some had to put up wit
h dreadful abuse. I had a girlfriend who was in the police, and she talked of si
milar things happening to her. I imagine the army is even worse.
Bullying, rape and abuse happen to men as well, John said.
I felt nervous and my right hand instinctively went to pinch my ear lobe. I foun
d it difficult to look him in the eye while I thought.
Can I phone a friend? I teased.
All mobiles must be switched off during the flight, he said with mock severity.
Rory Ridley-Duff
What?s the most sexist thing about the army? I repeated quietly to myself. It?s not
a trick question, is it?
Not at all. But it?s a thought provoker, don?t you think?
In a way it was and I kept looking for the way he wanted the question answered r
ather than the way that I would have answered it myself. That, I felt, was the r
eal thought provoker.
You did ask! he said with a laugh.
I wasn?t going to be put off that easily, so I thought some more.
Women soldiers get raped .men don?t.
Male soldiers get raped too, usually when in enemy hands, said John.
I was genuinely shocked to hear that.
God, that?s sick.
Indeed.
But it?s not the same, surely? I retorted. I mean, a woman is always going to feel
more violated, more powerless. Even as I said it, I wasn?t sure that I was making
sense.
Maybe. Have we asked the men how they felt about it?
I paused. He was probably so practised at fielding answers to this question that
I was on a hiding to nothing so I looked for a way out.
I can?t say I?ve given this much thought.
You wouldn?t be alone in that.
Bit of a depressing subject, I added and shot him an irritated look that hopefully
did not cross the boundary into rudeness.
You?re right. And I wouldn?t want you to remember me as the depressing old git wh
o spoiled your flight home.
Don?t get me wrong. It?s food for thought, I replied somewhat apologetically.
Friends or Lovers
But not a very sexy topic. Not nearly as sexy as your perfume .
I laughed before I could stop myself.
Hey, married man! Should you be talking to me like that? I snapped back ensuring m
y eyes caught his again.
But it is sexy. Are you asking me to lie to you? I thought women hated liars .
Perhaps you should be a bit more choosey about the things you say. I said these wo
rds with a smile that reassured him that his compliments were very welcome.
Okay, what should I say to a young woman like you?
It was not what he said that induced butterflies, but the way he looked at me as
he said it.
Less of the young?, please, I said coyly. I?m old enough to gobble you up.
Hmmm. Nice thought. I can see that I?m going to have to watch you! he chuckled.
Watch me? I think you opened up this ..er ..line of talk. I was enjoying this.
Do you like to open up? he asked inquisitively.
Yes, but only with strangers, I quipped.
Then I?d better not get to know you too well, had I?
Whatever I had expected on the journey home, it was not this. I was not sure whe
ther to invite him to join the mile high club, or punch him in the balls for bei
ng so cheeky. I felt that perhaps I should not be encouraging him to continue th
is conversation but there was something magnetic about him and I found myself en
ergized in his company. I wanted the conversation to continue. It was one of tho
se moments where I could have
Rory Ridley-Duff
stubbed out the fire before it got too hot but chose to fan the fire instead.
Our banter continued. He talked fondly of his wife, Ann, and children. By the ti
me we landed I felt like I?d had a brief tour of his life. He was an academic tu
rned marketing consultant, who specialised in work with creative teams. He?d bee
n married for 20 years, survived a few ups and downs, and had two children he lo
ved deeply. His boy was 12 and his daughter 14. For a living he helped companies
educate men and women to improve their marketing skills. Our flirting gave way
to convivial conversation but as I found him both engaging and interesting I did
not care so long as it continued. As our descent into Heathrow started, I took
him back to the start of our conversation.
So what is it you do exactly?
I just told you, he said pleasantly.
Exactly, I stressed.
He thought for a moment.
I try to find another way to look at human relationships.
And what way is that? I added, continuing to dig.
The way they really are.
The brevity and simplicity of his response made me pause again and he used the m
oment to spring another surprise on me.
Would you like to meet up for a drink next week?
What about your wife and kids? I said with a hint of sarcasm.
My wife knows me well. I don?t hide my friendships from her.
Friendship? That was a quite a leap in such a short space of time and I was take
n aback. It was not just his forwardness that
Friends or Lovers
caused me to stop short, but also a sense of disappointment that his aspirations
were not a little higher. He saw my hesitancy and I felt a burning need to say
something, anything.
You?re a most unusual man and while I?d like to go for a drink, I don?t think it
would be sensible .
He nodded his head, but did not look disappointed.
Just thought I?d ask. How about swapping e-mail addresses?
I smiled. He was hard to resist. I gave him my personal e-mail, rather than work
.
Okay, I found myself agreeing before I could stop myself. I can pretend that we met
at the conference.
Do you need to pretend? he inquired without a trace of mockery.
As we swapped cards I felt a pleasant sensation that was rare for me. I?d flirte
d with quite a number of men over the years but I?d never really cared whether t
hey liked me or not. With John it immediately mattered to me that he liked me fo
r more than my womanly charms; I actually found that I cared what he thought. As
I drove away, I could not get him out of my mind. When I reached home, I chucke
d my bags into the corner of my bedroom, went through my winding down routine an
d settled into bed. I continued to think of him as I allowed my fingers to work
their way down into my pants.
I let a story unfold in my mind. His eyes moved over me, greedily consuming ever
y inch of my skin, and his hands moved slowly across me tantalising and pinching
my nipples, caressing my stomach, then slowly pulling down my knickers. With on
e assured movement his mouth latched onto me and began to knead my flesh. My hea
d and body arched as the pleasure rose within me. Here was a man who knew how to
make a woman
Rory Ridley-Duff
feel good all over. I focussed all my thoughts on his delicate firm tongue circl
ing and massaging until every nerve ending in my body sizzled and my heart pound
ed so loud that I heard it thumping in the dead of night.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 4
On my return to work I found that Mike was now complaining that his salary would
drop because his team would earn no commission until the direct marketing opera
tion was up and running. I asked one of my staff, Phil, to find out the unresolv
ed issues and discuss them with me at the end of the day. This gave me time to c
ast my eye over some of the mail I had received.
There were several memos about recruiting regional organisers for the new home c
atalogue. Our approach was to recruit people with school age children who could
use their local networks to recruit others (usually mothers) to go door-to-door.
Just like Avon, really, but specialising in a much broader range of gadgets, no
t simply beauty products. The marketing manager, Jo, wanted specialist training
for her team on consumer behaviour. None of this was new, just a variant on prev
ious recruitment campaigns. We advertised in the local press, short listed peopl
e, and then interviewed them at a hotel. Those that I liked would be invited to
our headquarters in Leamington Spa for an assessment day, where they would have
a second interview with Jo.
After spending the morning organising the following week?s meetings, I turned to
my e-mails. Despite the efforts of our IT department, junk mail still got throu
gh and I weeded this out as quickly as possible. There were offers of Viagra and
penis enlargers as well as selection of links to web-sites for dating rich men
or a quick shag. I found most of these distasteful but they were becoming common
place and whatever we did the problem still increased.
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I dealt with a couple of e-mails from friends wanting to know if I?d had any con
ference adventures and I responded with the cyberspace equivalent of flouncing m
y hair. There were several messages from Dave wanting to set a meeting to discus
s what I?d learnt in France so I arranged a follow up session for Monday. Lastly
, there was a message from someone that I did not immediately recognise:
From: j.t.simons@tascali.com
To: penny@hotlips.com
Subject: Drinking with women?
Penny,
Had a word with my wife. No probs if you want a drink.
John
My god, he?s e-mailed me already. He must be keen. I hit the [Reply] button:
From: penny@hotlips.com
To: j.t.simons@tascali.com
Re: Drinking with Women
Hi John,
To think that you are so willing to corrupt a sweet innocent girl like me .. Who a
re you playing verbal tricks on today?
Penny
Even though I knew that I had more pressing tasks to do, I kept wondering if he
was going to reply. Every time a new e-mail arrived, I felt a sense of expectati
on disturbing me. The hour seemed to drag.
Penny,
Isn t it your turn to teach me some tricks ?
John
Friends or Lovers
Good. He likes to play.
John,
Tricks? Well, I can walk on my hands (always goes down well in a beer garden whe
n I m wearing a summer dress without knickers). Can you do that?
Penny
While I pondered whether this was too risqué, habit caused me to hit the Send butt
on. Bugger. Too late. And the bastard made me wait over an hour for a reply.
Penny,
Which? Wear a summer dress, walk on my hands or lose my knickers?
John x
Ha! He?d added a kiss! What was he trying to say? I started to wonder whether he
?d really asked his wife about me or whether it was just a trick to put me off m
y guard. Every time a voice inside me warned me to be cautious another told me t
o be daring.
John,
I ll come if you wear a kilt. We can shock some genteel country folk by doing hand
stands together .
Penny x
Not much chance of him accepting on those terms, but at least I get to kiss him
back. This time he replied quickly.
Penny,
Hmm! Tempting, very tempting. But unfortunately I don t have a kilt. I think my wi
fe has one from her Scottish dancing days, but she s petite and it won t fit me. Do
you have any that would fit me?
John x
Rory Ridley-Duff
The cheeky bugger! He?d mentioned his wife again. Better back off for now.
John,
I m a big girl, but not that big ..? Looks like we are going to have to postpone tha
t drink for the time being.
Penny x
I hoped that I?d not pushed him away too quickly. After 30 minutes, the joy I?d
been feeling drained away. After 45 minutes, I felt a mixture of annoyance and r
egret. What was I playing at? Were we flirting or joking? I was not sure. Whatev
er my thoughts, they had to be put on hold because Phil entered the office and s
at down with a large sigh. He?d clearly had an eventful meeting with Mike.
Okay, hit me with it, was my starter for ten.
Phil was a good lad. He was young and hard working, bright but inexperienced. He
had good grasp of psychology (always useful in this line of work) and had recen
tly graduated with a good degree. He was personable too, the pick of an excellen
t bunch, and with careful guidance I could see him going far. For now, however,
he had to learn how to do the donkeywork and that meant devising and running the
administrative systems I needed.
Do you want the good news or bad news? he asked.
Good news first, please, I replied.
I think I?ve found the people to fill the vacant positions in the marketing team.
That?s good. So what is the bad news?
You?ve got three vacancies in Mike?s old team.
Shit! I exclaimed. What?s he playing at?
Phil settled back in his chair.
Friends or Lovers
Not sure. Not sure he?s playing at all. The moment I arrived in his department I
was collared by three of his sales reps. They were pissed as hell at Mike being
moved.
Well, they would be, wouldn?t they? The old boy network will naturally stick up f
or him. Don?t worry about it.
It?s not the men it?s three of the women. They want to move with him.
How weird, I thought! Perhaps he weaves a magic spell that I don?t know about ye
t. I nodded to Phil to carry on.
It overlaps their territories so they?re confident they?ll build sales quickly. T
hey all fit our desired profile. Their sales records are pretty good. Two have s
chool age children and the other has grandchildren. All have contacts from previ
ous sales jobs. They want to work with Mike.
Hmm. What about Mike?s money concerns? Did he raise that? I asked.
Well, he said that he?ll accept the temporary drop if these three can join him. I
get the feeling that he?ll quieten down if he gets his way on this, or prepare
for battle if he doesn?t. What d?you want to do?
Leave it with me. I?ll check with Dave. Sounds okay to me. Anything else?
Nope.
Okay. I?ll keep you posted. Thanks. Are you off now? I asked.
Not yet. Few things to round off.
Phil was good. He had no problem working for a woman and we got along well. He w
as fresh out of college, part of a new generation that accepts the way the workp
lace is changing.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I sought out Dave to confer on the latest developments. He did not immediately j
ump at the idea and rubbed his chin in thought. Something was disturbing him. He
asked if recruiting three salespeople for Mike?s old team would be any more dif
ficult than recruiting for the new one? I thought not. The job information we se
nt out would be slightly misleading, but I could explain the changes at intervie
w. The differences were not so great that we needed to worry. The starting salar
y would be the same. Dave finally agreed but as I left he said something that se
t off alarm bells.
Mike may become a problem. Find out more about him - it may come in handy.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 5
Back at my desk I started to wind down for the night. I locked away sensitive in
formation and tidied my desk. Before logging off, I retrieved my e-mails to see
whether there were any final issues to deal with. I?d forgotten about John, so i
t was a surprise when another e-mail from him appeared in my inbox.
Penny,
Thanks for playtime. It was fun. I hope we can enjoy more banter in the weeks to
 come. Before that resumes, however, I want to give you the chance to walk away
if you wish. You are an attractive woman. I like you. In saying that I don t want
you to read more into these comments than is in them. I love my wife. I love my
kids. I have women friends and I d like you to be one of them. If I flirt it is be
cause I think you find it fun too. But enjoying a mutual attraction does not mea
n I m going to make a pass at you (that will have to remain a fantasy).
If you are okay with this, then we will become friends. If you are not, then I s
till have a pleasant memory of meeting a smart and sexy woman. That is a lovely
thought to keep in my head if that is all you want to give. My wife does not usu
ally interfere in my personal friendships (unless she feels threatened) and we h
ave become much more relaxed in recent years. Our relationship is a strong one.
Hope to hear from you soon.
John x
Who was this guy? His arrogance pissed me off. Fuck him.
That evening I settled down with my Bernice Rubbens again. Try as I might, I cou
ld not concentrate. Mixed in with my anger was a spine-chilling excitement that
I could not shake off. What had he called me? Smart and sexy. A Fantasy. Why does
Rory Ridley-Duff
he tell me he won?t make a pass at me? Why not? Bastard. No guy has ever talked
to me like this.
The hours passed and still I could not read my book. I put on music, but I did n
ot listen to it. I tried to watch a film but the moving images were just a backd
rop. Slowly it dawned on me why I?m angry at him he dares to resist me. He dares
to resist me. And that realisation had a strange effect. My thoughts kept retur
ning to our e-mail exchanges. He makes me laugh, no denying it. He?s fun. He?s i
ntelligent. He?s sexy. I must stop thinking like this. He?s too old for me. He?s
married. He?s got kids. He?s got ups and downs in his life. Maybe he is just afte
r a fling. Don?t trust him, Penny. Play it cool.
The word danger? keeps forcing its way into my thoughts but my mind wanders back
to his eyes. The prospect of looking into them thrills me. Why do I want to trus
t him? I never trust men. As I lay in bed, the minutes ticked and questions inva
ded my thoughts, circling around like vultures gnawing at old wounds. Why does t
his hurt? Don?t let him in, Penny. Don?t let him in. By 2am, my eyes finally got
so heavy that I dropped asleep. For a few hours I was free of the conflict ragi
ng in my soul.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 6
Following my conversation with Dave, I asked Phil to find out more about Mike. I
told him not to be too obvious - to start by finding out what he could from mem
bers of his former team as unobtrusively as possible. Naturally, he quizzed me.
I?m still concerned about Elona?s complaint, I said. I want to be sure that there i
s not a pattern to his behaviour.
If I start asking about him, won?t they start wondering why?
Just spend time with them in the canteen, get to know them, see if they talk abou
t him. If they do, then join in the conversation. Just take an interest.
Phil looked awkward. His eyes looked at the table while he rubbed his chin. As h
e looked up, he scratched his nose.
What am I looking for? he asked.
Nothing in particular. Just see if you can find out about him. I?m trying to buil
d a picture, not find out dark secrets.
He rubbed his hands together, and his brow still showed a frown. I remembered th
e first time that my manager asked me to keep my ears and eyes open. I too felt
awkward because I had initially imagined that work was conducted in the way desc
ribed in study texts. When you experience the real world, of course, you find th
ere is this whole other world that no-one talks about. Much as I wanted to focus
on recruiting the best people and developing them to their full potential, we h
ave to work within management objectives and commercial constraints. Whether I l
ike it or not, we are part of the management team and that means we bend to thei
r wishes.
Rory Ridley-Duff
 Phil, I understand how you must feel. Sometimes we have to do things that are not
pleasant. The worst thing you might have to do one day is make people decent pe
ople redundant. If you stay in this profession, you?ll learn how awful that can
be. At other times, you may suspect that someone is acting more in their own int
erests than those of the business. When that happens, we sometimes need to be ci
rcumspect in finding out what we can. It is a very difficult job and we can only
find out so much by asking people directly. I?m not asking you to spy, just kee
p your ear to the ground and mix in certain circles when the opportunities arise
.
He looked at me briefly and smiled, but the lines on his forehead never totally
disappeared.
Okay. I?ll see what I can find out.
Good man, I said and I felt my body relax. I smiled strongly at him, got up and wa
lked towards the door. Phil got up slowly and made to leave. As he passed me, I
put my hand on his shoulder and reassured him. You?ll be fine. If you?re not, com
e and talk to me.
With Phil gone, my mind turned back to the task I?d been putting off. I knew tha
t I must reply to John, but did not relish the task. Even though I?d thought abo
ut it all the previous evening, I was still not sure what to say. One thing I am
sure about - I want to keep in touch with him. The problem is how to do that wi
thout ending up in a situation where I get hurt.
Words and phrases keep going around and around in my head but no concrete senten
ces form. It is just a drink, I keep telling myself, but I cannot forget that ne
arly every relationship I?ve had with a man gets complicated. One that I lived w
ith, despite having a lovely side to his character, ended up taking me for
Friends or Lovers
granted. I don?t want to mother my partner; I want him to look after me. There h
ave been others that I adored for a short while (and who adored me) but as soon
as they started talking about their goals in life, I felt them threaten my own.
One wanted me to move with him to London just after I?d started this job. I woul
dn?t go and the relationship ended. Why am I thinking like this? It is just a dr
ink, after all.
As much as I keep trying to convince myself that he only wants friendship, I can
not shake off the idea that going drinking with a married man will lead to probl
ems. If I get close to him, will he make a pass at me? Why will this one be any
different? And if he did, would I be able to resist him? Perhaps this is why I a
m so nervous. I don?t want to be a mistress. I have to write something so I crea
te an e-mail and stare at the screen. My fingers start to type:
John,
Tell me about your marriage. How strong is it?
Penny
I hit the Send key before I realise that he might take this question the wrong w
ay. While contemplating my gaff, a message appears in my inbox.
Penny,
Strong enough for you not to worry about it.
John
I had hoped for a fuller explanation than that. No kiss today, I notice. Perhaps
my question irritated him. At times like this, I tell myself to follow my head.
What does my head say today? I listen carefully to my thoughts; there is danger
here, to myself, to his marriage and children. But there is potential too. What
if
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he is how I hope he is? It will be a pleasure to know him. Could he become a fri
end I can trust and talk to like my father? But what if he turns out to be a cre
ep? What will happen if I start to love him? I can?t deny my desire to meet him
or the thought that if I turn this opportunity down I?ll always ask have the que
stion what if.. I will never answer any of my questions if I don?t get to know him
. As one of my school friends used to say to me life is not a dress rehearsal .
John,
I accept. When would you like to meet?
Penny x
In for a pound. Later that day, he e-mailed me back to ask if I?d meet him in Le
amington the following Wednesday. He could stop by as he was working in Birmingh
am then staying with friends in Warwick. With that out of the way, I relaxed and
focussed better on my work.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 7
With the week coming to an end, I finalise arrangements with interviewees and th
en decide to check on Elona. She is quite young, in her mid-twenties, and works
within sales administration. She?s been with the company since leaving school an
d is well-known about the place. I?ve only met her half a dozen times or so sinc
e joining, twice due to her recent complaint. I want to check that she is happy
with the way we have dealt with it so I decide to read over her file and recent
appraisals.
She is a single child, the daughter of local shopkeepers. When she was in her te
ens, she worked in the shop with her parents and saved enough money to go to col
lege for two years. She lives in Kenilworth, a small town about 7 miles away. Ni
ce place. In her interview notes it says that she led a relatively sheltered upb
ringing due to her parents? ties to the shop. Holidays have been few but she doe
s have good friends in the local community. She has a boyfriend her fiancé - who s
he provided as a second emergency contact. They hope to buy a house together soo
n but each live with their parents at the moment.
Her career at IC has progressed fairly smoothly. She started in a typing pool se
ven years earlier. When it was disbanded she took on a series of clerical jobs,
including a stint in customer services, but eventually felt her attention to pap
erwork and maintaining filing systems was being under utilised. In short, she wa
nted something more challenging than a continual stream of phone calls. The move
to sales administration, therefore, was a good one for both her and the company
. Her knowledge of
Rory Ridley-Duff
order processing together with customer skills equipped her for a trouble-shoote
r role in which she dealt with customer complaints.
By all accounts, she appears to be a reliable hardworking employee. So I called
her and asked her to drop by. Fifteen minutes later, we were sitting together in
my office having a cup of tea.
Hi. Glad you could come. Do you take sugar? I asked.
No. Thanks. Hmmmm. That?s very welcome, she said taking her first sip.
I won?t take much of your time I?m sure you want to get away like me. I want to c
heck that you are happy with the way we have dealt with your complaint.
Elona looked slightly puzzled, but smiled and settled back in her chair a bit.
Yes. Very. It?s the first time I?ve seen anyone in this company take a complaint
like this seriously, she commented.
Good. I?m glad I?m making a difference. The directors want this company to follow
best practice and I?m here to make sure that happens.
Elona?s comment made me feel good on the inside. I continued boldly and directly
.
Elona. One of the directors wants to be sure that Mike?s behaviour is not part of
a pattern. Had you ever been concerned about his behaviour before you made the
complaint?
Me? Well she hesistated, sometimes I felt uncomfortable around him. He?s very friendl
y too friendly if you ask me and he does seem to be very attentive to some of th
e women reps.
Friends or Lovers
Elona stopped for a moment to gather her thoughts. She rubbed the back of her ne
ck and crossed her legs.
They didn?t seem pleased with me when they came in for a meeting yesterday. I hea
rd later that they were leaving my section to stay with Mike. They always speak
highly of him and he?s always joking with them. I find it embarrassing sometimes
. He treats them almost like they are his daughters. They seem to like it, but I
don?t. I don?t like it when men are too familiar with me, put their arm round m
e and things.
Things? I asked.
Well, you know she said.
No, Elona, I don?t know. Tell me? I said firmly.
Well sometimes, especially if we?re down the pub after work, they go too far.
How? I asked.
They put their arm round me like they would their girlfriend or something. I don?
t like it.
Does Mike do this?
Not often. Sometimes. The younger lads are worse.
How exactly?
Well sometimes their hands go down my back, and sort of rub it. It?s too familiar
, but I feel stupid if I say no? because everybody seems to be okay with it. One
of them sometimes puts his hand on my bottom and squeezes it. I don?t know what
to do, so I do nothing.
This seemed like normal? behaviour in most companies that I?d worked in but that
did not make it okay. Clearly Elona was more shy than most. Others would have to
be sensitive. I decided to dig a little more deeply; I adopted a more woman-to-
woman style.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I guess it depends whose got their hand on your behind, eh? I said with a furtive
look.
Elona tensed and was unsettled by this remark.
What do you mean? she replied as she shuffled in her seat. I detected a touch of e
mbarrassment in her behaviour.
I was just saying that perhaps some blokes? attention is nicer than others?
She rubbed her ear and her brows came together as she spoke.
I don?t understand what you are implying, Ms Leyton. I have a boyfriend and I onl
y like him to touch me like that. I don?t want other men doing it.
Ms Leyton? A bit formal, I thought. Still, I could see she was agitated so I too
k another approach.
And quite right too, Elona. I?m glad we had this talk.
I smiled strongly at her as I drew the conversation to a close.
It seems that we have a few more heads to knock together, doesn?t it? If anyone d
oes something that you don?t like, tell them straightaway. Can you do that?
Yes. I?ll try.
Do you have a diary? I asked.
Yes. Why?
If you?ve asked someone to stop and they continue to touch you in a way that you
don?t like, make a note in your diary. Can you do that too?
Sure.
And if you feel the need, come and see me. Okay?
She seemed to relax.
Okay, she confirmed.
After Elona left the room I pondered her behaviour. Her defensiveness suggested
she was hiding something. I wondered
Friends or Lovers
if she was receiving more attention than she was saying. I?ll discuss with Phil
before I depart on Monday. Clearly we will need to work on this problem together
.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 8
I live on the outskirts of town in a two-bedroom flat. It suits me for the momen
t, although one day I?d like a house with a garden that I can tend. I take some
pride in my home. Although I live on my own, I?ve worked hard to shape it in my
own image. Last year, after I was accepted in this job, I splashed out on a wood
en floor and cream leather sofa. I always work hard to make my living room the m
ost welcoming one in the house. Over the brick fireplace I have some ethnic artw
ork. On the wall either side are two African masks, each with different tribal m
arkings. At ground level, I have large vases with dried flowers that give some c
olour and texture next to an attractive gas fire. The mantelpiece supports two t
all candles in wrought iron holders and a number of stone carved nightlights. Wh
en I settle down with a box of chocolates and dim the light, the candles give th
e room a romantic sexy feel.
On the opposite wall, I have a photo of my younger sister, Carole. She is 30, tw
o years younger than me, and has made her career in teaching. At the moment she
is on maternity leave, her first child with boyfriend Chris. I think he?s a bit
of dope she does too but since their son was conceived he?s taken his job (as a
computer programmer) more seriously. Recently he got a promotion to project anal
yst and is now supervising others for the first time.
Next to Carole is a picture of my parents on their 40th wedding anniversary. Con
sidering their generation, they had children quite late. After meeting at univer
sity they wanted to travel the world together for a while. They had decided that
if they still wanted to be together after living in each other?s pockets for tw
o
Friends or Lovers
years, they?d do it for life. And so it has been. When they got back, they each
established their careers, got married and had children. My mother, like my sist
er, is a teacher; she will be able to retire next year. My father, however, stil
l has two years before he can retire. He is a civil servant who rose through the
ranks to lead a unit that answers parliamentary questions. Sometimes he gets to
prepare answers for TV. He even gets to write answers for the Prime Minister so
metimes. Fame of a sort, I guess. I?m proud of him.
My father is the kindest man I know but I have had a prickly relationship with m
y mother ever since I turned 14. At that time, I grew close to my sister and we
stayed that way ever since. We now call each other every week, sometimes we writ
e e-mails to each other and swap humorous cards. A few of these hang on a pin bo
ard in my living room. My favourite card is
Men have only two faults Everything they say And everything they do
although I also like another one that says Grow your own dope: plant a man . My sist
er sent these to me when she was having difficulty getting her boyfriend to sett
le down with her. I ask if we will hear wedding bells soon but the most optimist
ic response she?s given so far is Next Year: probably. What is it about men and co
mmitment? Even though she?s been with him for three years now, many of our phone
conversations still dwell on man problems . I keep telling her that we are better
off without them, but she holds out hope that eventually they?ll get married. Fo
rlorn, I reckon, but hope springs eternal where she is concerned.
Rory Ridley-Duff
My bedroom is a mini-paradise. The focus is my pinewood king-size bed with a del
uxe duck feather duvet and pillows. I don?t have a regular fella to keep me warm
at night, so a sensuous bedroom equipped for lingering self-pampering is one of
life?s essentials. I have a built-in wardrobe and dresser a present paid for by
my parents when they helped me buy this place four years ago. They know how I l
ike to adorn myself, so the dresser came with an array of drawers to hold all my
paraphernalia: lip gloss, selections of lipsticks, nail varnishes and eye shado
ws (which I use only on special occasions). Either side of the mirror is a raise
d area for an assortment of bottles; moisturisers, facial scrubs, make-up remove
r and spot sticks. Jewellery is in one of my side drawers; organised into earrin
gs, belly bars, necklaces, bracelets (wrist and ankle), and a choice of rings fo
r fingers and toes. The other side draw holds my collection of lingerie, careful
ly selected so that on the rare occasions I think enough of a man to invite him
back, I can make him think that he?s gone to heaven early.
The headboard is decorated with subtle white lights, and on each bedside table I
have one of these new cylindrical lights with slow moving silver flakes that re
fract light. When I go to bed, I switch out the main light, switch on the bedsid
e lights, and watch the patterns that meander around the room. Wrapped in my duv
et, I feel deliciously erotic, a sensual and very personal love nest, just perfe
ct for fuelling my fantasies when I feel like playing with myself.
The kitchen is small but functional. The work units and oven are built in so the
re is a reasonable amount of workspace and cleaning is easy. I don?t have space
for a washing machine so I still do my laundry down the road. It gets me out of
the house
Friends or Lovers
and I can chat to Betty who does the service washes. She gives me the latest cel
ebrity gossip. When Big Brother hits our screens we chat about it each week and
I invite her around my flat to watch eviction nights.
* * *
Hi sis?
Hi Carole. Good week?
I enjoy these chats with my sister.
Not bad. He?s sitting up now and he?s a lot happier because he can look around. I
give him a toy with a bell on it and he sits there shaking it and laughs for ag
es.
If only adults were as easy to amuse I commented.
Chris has raised the idea of using his flexi-hours to spend more time at home. I
don?t know, I?m not sure about it. In some ways it?s good to have him home, but
he just makes more work for me.
Can?t you train him better? I ask. This has been a standing joke ever since she st
arted going out with him.
I try. I try. He is trying too, bless him. He can change a nappy now, but baby re
fuses to be fed by bottle. He actually gets upset that he can?t feed his child.
I reassure him that as soon as he starts on solids then he?ll be able to get in
on the action.
He sounds keen, I interjected.
Yes. He is. Quite sweet really. Just wish he could cook then he?d be really usefu
l to me.
Nothing on the matrimonial front, yet?
Haven?t raised it for a while, it just creates tension. How about you?
Rory Ridley-Duff
This is another standing joke - my inability to find any man worthy of me.
No, nothing to report there. But I did meet an interesting man this week on the p
lane back from France.
Tell me more . Carole quipped.
He?s married, got kids, so that?s a no go area. He was keen to meet me again so w
e?ve agreed to meet up next week for lunch.
Hey you. Sounds like he?s a fast worker, and you?re giving him a big green light.
No Carole, it?s not like that. No sooner had I uttered the words than I realised h
ow stupid they sounded.
Oh, yes? she asked.
No. He?s most odd. I can?t explain. He burned my ear with all this stuff about se
xism in the army. Like I say, he?s an odd-ball.
So, why are you meeting him?
It was a pertinent question.
Oh. I?m not sure. He has lovely eyes. He is a practiced flirt. He?s intelligent,
a consultant, a writer.
You?re smitten. I can tell.
Oh don?t say that Carole. I have no idea whether I?m doing the right thing and yo
u know what I?m like with men. But he seems different. I want to satisfy my curi
osity.
And your libido?
I don?t think so, I said weakly, but I didn?t even convince myself so I doubt that
I convinced her.
Go for it, I say! You only live once.
We are so alike.
Yeah! I?ll call you in the week; let you know how it goes.
Too right you will.
Friends or Lovers
Say hi? to mum for me if you talk to her.
I will. Stay cool.
Bye sis?
And with that, we both put down the phone and returned to our very different liv
es.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 9
My weekend was fairly typical: shopping, cleaning, reading, relaxing and sleepin
g. Living on my own, I have the pleasure of buying in exactly the foods I wish,
watching only the television that I want to, and getting up when I like. I can a
lso avoid having my house systematically trashed by boisterous kids (although I
imagine it won?t be long before my nephew will oblige). Not having a man about t
he house also helps in that respect; most men who I let into my bed think that t
he corner of my room has an invisible linen bin placed there. There is a constan
t battle to train them to put their clothes in a bag ready for them to take away
when our romantic interludes are concluded. No way am I going to start washing
their clothes.
But I can?t deny that there is loneliness too. I still can?t get used to going t
o bed by myself and I especially miss the pleasure of waking up next to someone,
snuggling up to them, and sharing my thoughts and feelings. I don?t always feel
safe on my own. Despite the façade of strength I present at work, if the doorbell
rings on a dark winter evening I use my spy hole to check who?s the other side.
If it is a man I do not know and sometimes even if I do I don?t let them in. I
particularly hate having workmen in the flat during the day.
One thing that only women can understand, I think, is the silent fear we have of
violence. Breaking up with a man is traumatic because you never know how he?s g
oing to react. Some withdraw into themselves and skulk off; but with others you
can visibly see their bodies convulse with anger. Sometimes I get really scared.
So far none have hit me, but my sister was not so lucky. Her last boyfriend pun
ched and kicked
Friends or Lovers
her when she ended the relationship. Sitting with her, looking at her bruised mo
uth and eye, holding her hand while she sobbed like a young child, watching her
shrivel with humiliation as she admitted to a nurse how she received her injurie
s; that?s an experience that?ll never leave me.
By Sunday, I?d done my chores so I took myself off to the Malvern Hills for a wa
lk. It was a pleasant day, warm for April, and I was able to remove my jumper an
d wear just a tee-shirt and shorts. Walking gives me a wonderful sense of freedo
m; time and space to think. At the moment I wonder whether my life is going in t
he direction that I want. On the surface it looks very fulfilling; good career w
ith responsibility and the chance to travel; two circles of friends (inside and
outside work) that balance each other and provide good times and support for bad
times. I have a nice home and neighbours; a family I can see when I need (far e
nough away not to crowd me but close enough to visit the same day). I?m sufficie
ntly attractive to be able to enjoy male company more or less whenever I like, s
o why do I feel so empty?
As I walk on the brow of the hill I look north towards Worcester. The houses on
the plain are as tiny as an architect?s model and the specks that move slowly al
ong the motorway look like matchbox cars. The wind buffets my face as I stand li
ke the French Lieutenant?s Woman; an isolated and desolate beauty searching the
wilderness for something in life that will make it more meaningful and satisfyin
g. In my mind, I recall John?s comment that looking down on the world reminds us
of our insignificance.
Am I significant? Do I make a difference? Have I had a positive influence on the
people I?ve known? I wasn?t sure.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I?ve been hard on boyfriends who would not make a commitment to me, but perhaps
it is me who is avoiding commitment. The life I have is safe, and I have many th
ings that give me pleasure, but deep in my heart I?m still quite lonely. Even wh
en I?m shacked up with a man, I still feel lonely.
Family and friends are great but there are limits to how I can be with them. If
my parents knew how I behaved sometimes they would probably die with shame; I ca
n?t show them the real me. I even hide my feelings from my sister. My deepest ne
ed; the desire to share myself physically, emotionally and spiritually, cannot b
e satisfied with any of them. In fact, I?m not sure there is anyone with whom I
can do that. Why is it that the greatest source of pleasure is also the source o
f so much fear and pain?
As I resume my walk I cannot help but notice that most people are walking with s
omeone else. Husbands walk with wives (lovers or friends, perhaps). Parents walk
with children. Rarely do I see two women or two men walking together; the hills
are filled with people who have come to terms with sharing themselves with anot
her. I don?t think I?ve shared myself fully with anyone. I?m too afraid.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 10
I?m in Leeds today. The interviews went off as well as could be expected. I foun
d a man and woman; both married. Both with children in the 11-15 age range and e
xtended family support (that?s usually necessary in this line of work). There wa
s a single woman with previous direct sales experience and good family support s
o I think we have found the people we need. I also interviewed a single man who
had won custody of his children. He too seems to possess the necessary enthusias
m and skills.
At the moment, I?m driving back to meet John. I can?t help but feel excited even
though I know this is not an appropriate way to feel. I have George Benson play
ing Lady, Love Me One More Time on the CD player and this fuels an expectation tha
t lunch will be the start of a romance. I keep reminding myself that this is an
unrealistic (and unhealthy) way to be thinking but the butterflies in my stomach
won?t go away, no matter what I do. We e-mailed each other over the weekend and
agreed to meet at Pizza Hut. As I enter the outskirts of town, the clock shows
there are only 50 minutes to go and my breathing deepens and lengthens as my ner
ves start to intensify.
Stop it! I shout. Go away! but ranting makes no difference. I wish I didn?t feel lik
e this. I shouldn?t be meeting him. But I keep driving towards the town centre,
turn right into an NCP car park, watch the barrier rise, see the front of the ca
r turn to the left and climb the levels. The car parks itself as if I?m on auto-
pilot. I try not to think and focus on getting through the next few minutes.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Find the exit. Go down the stairs. Turn left. Now right. Along the high street.
Look in the shop windows. Check my handbag. Where is my lippy? Look in the shop
window. Apply evenly. Press lips together. Turn left. Continue. Go to cashpoint.
Press 7725. Enter. Choose Cash no receipt . £50. Wait for card. Take the money. Turn
left. Walk. Open the door.
Penny! There you are. The moment I hear his words I come out of my trance.
I take off my jacket and sit down, look at him and smile. My hair was washed thi
s morning and tied back into a ponytail. Around the eyes, I applied a modest amo
unt of eye shadow and liner; a subtle shade of blue (just enough to emphasise my
long black lashes without looking trashy). Studs with a light blue jewel adorn
my ears and a matching necklace drapes around my neck. I?ve put on a white top t
hin enough to give a hint of the lace bra underneath styled into a V?. The neckla
ce is long enough for the jewel to draw attention to a hint of cleavage; classy
but not tarty. All this elegantly covered by a light purple trouser suit that hu
gs my figure. There?s no harm in showing off my pert behind and womanly curves.
You look good. Thank you.
Thank you? I ask. What a surprising remark!
Yes. Thank you for making the effort to look nice. I appreciate it.
Just my normal work clothes, I say with false modesty. Inside, I?m not only please
d I?ve made an impression but also delighted that he?s noticed. I can feel mysel
f beginning to relax.
He has turned up wearing an unironed tee-shirt and jeans with a hole in one knee
. But his hair looks freshly washed and there
Friends or Lovers
is a day?s stubble giving him an undeniably rugged look. I like it.
I see you dressed up for me too I say cheekily.
Yes. I carefully ironed the creases into the shirt and hired a tailor to give my
trousers that deliberate just torn? look.
Does your tailor get much business from you, then? I quip.
Lots. Especially before I go on holiday. I need an exclusive casual outfit for ea
ch day otherwise my beach cred is seriously damaged.
Perhaps it will catch on in Hollywood?
He laughed and looked deeply into my eyes. All the nerves that I?d felt were swe
pt away. I felt comfortable and content.
So, did your interviewing go well? he asks.
It did. Shortlisted four people, including a single father, would you believe?
Only just, he jests.
I settle into my seat and look at him more closely. I still don?t know how old h
e is, but in the daylight I guess he?s a bit younger than I first thought somewh
ere in his late 30s. His face has worn well and his hair shows only slight signs
of greying. The lines at the corners of his eyes only display when he smiles; w
hen he?s relaxed they disappear.
Tell me, I say boldly, how old are you?
Forward aren?t we?
Oh, yes! I don?t beat about the bush.
I?m 44, he says without any embarrassment. Then he adds, I use my wife?s Nivea ever
y day. Good on the wrinkles.
She keeps you young, obviously.
Yes. Very energetic woman. I have to work hard to keep up with her.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Given that we?d moved onto the subject of his wife, I felt we should dwell there
a bit.
What does she do?
She?s a linguist. Translates government documents from English to French to Germa
n and back again. It suits her.
Not out and about like you, then?
She prefers a quieter existence where her opinions are not the subject of public
scrutiny. She saves her strong opinions for our marriage and children.
Strong minded?
He says nothing. He doesn?t need to; his smile and nod say it all, including tha
t he admires her.
So! he says. I could sense a question coming. Want to try something I do on my cour
ses?
Why not? I answer.
Your life in 5 minutes. Can you do that? Then I?ll give you mine.
Okay. Here we go. Born, age 0, in Malvern where I grew up with my teacher mother
and civil servant father. Warm loving home for the first dozen or so years. One
sister who is two years younger than me; now with child and dopey boyfriend. She
?s also a teacher but currently on maternity. Age 13 onwards I became a bit of a
rebel, fell out with mum, always closer to dad. Politics became liberal. Did ra
dical bit at university. Protested the Gulf War (the first one). Shouted regular
ly at politicians, got angry with men; attended women?s groups; got angry with w
omen. Started to like men more. Tried a few. Started to like men less. Chose car
eer instead. Developed well, manager at 29 but stumbled across the glass ceiling
. Now HR manager in a growing firm. Relatively happy modern career woman. Likes
Friends or Lovers
chocolate, exercise, walking, nights in with cat. Eastenders. Frost. No Angels.
Friends. Sex and the City shame it has finished. Now 32, usually fine, sometimes
lonely.
I stop.
How about you? I quickly ask. Wow! he injects. All in one breath?
I laugh out loud. This is fun and I am enjoying myself.
Right. My turn. Born in Hampshire; same age as you funnily enough. Artist mum. Ma
rine engineer dad who died when I was eight. Very sad but coped okay. A rebel un
til age 13, then calmed down. Lots of freedom. Lots of responsibility. Two siste
rs. Both older. One works in a women?s refuge; the other lectures in some obscur
e social science. Went through the football craze. Went through the basketball c
raze. Went through the girls? craze. Did my extremist bit at university. Proteste
d the Poll Tax; refused to pay it. Missed first Gulf War demo. Flirted with radi
cals (both ideologically and literally). Went off radicals. Always liked women.
Tried a few, fell in love with one. Married her. Did a masters, then PhD. Worked
in academia. Tried real world. Went off real world. Returned to research. Had k
ids. Loved kids. Hated kids. Loved them again. Started writing. Got hired as a c
onsultant. Liked kudos, the pay, the freedom. The portfolio life is for me. Hobb
ies include walking, Mexican food, romantic comedies, flirting and friendship bu
t in reverse order.
He stops and takes in a deep breath to replenish his oxygen supply.
I think that?s the best exercise I?ve had all day, he adds.
A waitress stands at the end of our table ready to take our order. We both laugh
in unison and I look at her.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Could you give us a few more minutes? I ask.
Would you like any drinks while you are thinking?
Her voice came out in a monotone as if it had been pre-recorded.
Decaf coffee, please, I request.
Cappuccino? asks John.
I?d afraid the machine?s broken, sir. Is a normal coffee okay?
Of course, he answers politely.
As soon as she went, he leans over towards me and speaks quietly.
I think someone has placed a contract to sabotage all cappuccino makers worldwide
. Wherever I go they never seem to work.
* * *
As we chatted away, we were joyous and smiling. He felt like an old friend, not
a new one, and I was drawn more and more into the conversation.
So what have you been doing in Birmingham? I enquired.
Helping some marketing recruits find new ways to look at men and women.
And did you succeed?
I was actually interested this time and he could sense this. His demeanour chang
ed and took on a more relaxed and thoughtful expression. As he started to speak,
he started to gesticulate.
These things take time. People have many preconceptions; some well-founded, other
s not.
Such as?
Friends or Lovers
He thought for a moment. I could tell that he was selecting one from a great lon
g list.
That men are instinctively more violent than women.
Is that well-founded or not? I asked, feeling that I knew the answer already.
Difficult to tell, he replied surprisingly. It depends on whose data you look at.
But we all know that men are more violent that women. I affirmed. I could feel a s
prinkle of alarm go through me because I could sense he was leading me into a tr
ap.
Perhaps. But he sounded sceptical.
In the 70s and 80s, he continued, lot of studies suggested that men were more viole
nt than women in personal relationships. Then some people started to ask whether
the research design was distorting the results. Researchers started to ask both
men and women, not just women. The results were surprising and not what you?d e
xpect. In the last few years there have also been findings that children raised
by single fathers are less violent that those raised by single mothers.
You are joking! I don?t believe you. It?s everywhere. You see it all the time. In
the papers, on TV. Men are definitely more aggressive and violent.
I thought of my sister and my body felt tense all over, but John continued calml
y and reassuringly.
There?s a growing body of research now. Over one-hundred and seventy studies in t
he last three decades disagree with you. I don?t understand why. It?s my job to
make sense of reliable data.
The studies must be biased.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I can?t rule that out. But the results are consistent across different industrial
ised countries, different age groups, different social environments, and have be
en conducted by people from different research backgrounds.
I don?t believe them.
You?re not alone, he said with a smile.
I stopped for a moment. I was in deep shock. At that moment, the waitress return
ed. She had an impatient look on her face. John and I looked at each other and t
his time we didn?t laugh. We both picked up a menu, quickly found something we l
iked and ordered.
Thank you, said the waitress. I?m sure there was a hint of sarcasm in her tone.
John looked at me supportively.
We don?t have to talk about this if you don?t want to, he said.
No it?s okay. I am interested. It is just hard to accept.
Of course.
Explain. I know you are going to try.
I can?t explain it this is very new data to me too and I need time to reflect on
it.
John paused.
D?you remember Wait Til Your Father Gets Home?? he suddenly asked.
I thought for a moment. Yes, I remembered a TV series with this name. What is me
ant by this phrase? I looked at John with curiosity.
Dad is being used to threaten the kids. Is that your point? I asked.
Friends or Lovers
Not sure. I think it is about Mum making Dad responsible for discipline. That hap
pens in my house too. My wife sometimes says to me John, they won?t listen to me.
Make them go to bed, will you?? I?ve managed to avoid smacking so far, but some
times they dig their heels in and I come very close. I have threatened it once o
r twice. I hate doing it I feel like I?ve failed - but what d?you do when kids w
on?t respond to anything?
I was beginning to see his point. The threat is only effective if the kids fear
Dad.
Maybe we use Dad as a weapon because he is more scary, I said.
John paused for a moment. He was forming his thoughts on-the-fly as well.
Maybe we use Dad as a weapon whether he wants to be scary or not, he answered spea
king directly from the heart.
When I think about this, he continued, you see it everywhere. I?ve seen girls say le
ave me alone or I?ll get my dad onto you? or they might say I?ll get my brother o
nto you.? Even my female students used to say that they?d play dumb or frightene
d to get their brothers, fathers and boyfriends to do things for them.
He paused.
Now I come to thing of it, there have been times when my wife says are you going t
o let that man talk to me that way??
John became immersed in thought again and I watched him struggle to put his thou
ghts together.
I?m not sure any more that men choose to be aggressive, he said finally.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Maybe, I answered, but the issue for women is that the threat is always there. The
threat is enough. We?re never free of fear.
Yes. I?m sure you are right. But it is double-edged, isn?t it? On the one hand we
want men to be violent for us but we don?t want them to be violent against us.
We both paused. Instinctively, we both realised we?d had enough of this. That mo
ment, our starters arrived. He?d ordered potato skins, and I was eating chicken
dippers. After that, we shared a stuffed crust with extra mushroom and chicken.
What?s your work like? he asked.
Okay. Busy at the moment. Tricky situation in one department. We have a man who h
as been pressuring a young woman for a drink. I?ve had to move him. I don?t unde
rstand all the ins and outs, but he?s done this before and the young woman was s
o upset that I had to separate them. I?m trying to find out more because somethi
ng peculiar seems to be going on. The woman is holding something back. I?m not s
ure exactly what.
I stopped myself.
John. I?m not sure it is appropriate for me to talk about this. You understand? I
said.
Yes. Completely. But I?m under no such obligation. I have a friend who felt a you
ng woman was getting too close to him. She?d been having some difficulties at ho
me and she singled him out as a father figure to talk to. He only became worried
after she started to flirt a bit. He tried to cool it off.
John looked at me in a way that suggested he did not know whether to carry on. I
raised my eyebrows, nodded and then
Friends or Lovers
tilted my head slightly to one side to indicate that he should continue.
He suggested they meet outside work to sort things and made it clear that he was
providing her support as her manager and not asking her out on a date. She backe
d off and was hurt. Next thing he knew she?d complained about him.
It?s always complicated, isn?t it? I said.
Yes. Always. A minefield.
He held my gaze. We both knew exactly what the other was thinking. We had our ow
n minefield to navigate.
I said softly .
we?ll have to tread very carefully
He nodded and also spoke softly.
I don?t want to tread on any mines.
Me neither, I responded.
Men and women talk to each other in such oblique ways. I could have said I?ll be
very sensitive about your marriage . He could have said I don?t want to ruin this b
y sleeping with you. But, no, we danced around each other using metaphors hoping
the other would understand, protecting our egos while leaving the door open just
in case we both had a change of heart.
We?ll be fine, he asserted.
I hoped he was right.
After coffees, he paid, but only after I made him promise that it would be my tr
eat next time. We both agreed there would be a next time in about a month. We sw
apped mobile phone numbers too. When we parted, we hugged. As I walked back to m
y car, I felt good. I hoped that I had found a friend a real friend.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 11
When I returned to work, I met Dave to discuss the interviews, then confirmed th
e final shortlist. I got Phil to phone all the candidates and give them the news
. Four accepted an invitation to our offices for the following week. The assessm
ent centre uses an array of techniques to provide a more rounded picture of a ca
ndidate?s suitability for a position. They undertake a psychometric test, partic
ipate in role playing exercises, we introduce them to teams that undertake simil
ar work to give them a flavour of the real? workplace, and also to give the teams
a chance to evaluate the candidates in a less formal setting. Lastly, there is
a formal interview that asks a series of technical and social questions that ena
ble us to probe their experience and handling of social situations.
Even with all this care and effort, recruitment is a hit and miss affair. More t
han once, we?ve found our perfect candidate only for them to decline the positio
n at the last minute. At other times, those that were marginal in the recruitmen
t process turn out to be the best performers. I?d like to better understand why
people decline, but I?m confident that we?re reducing the recruitment lottery th
rough the use of these techniques.
After I rounded off with Dave, I called Phil into my office for an update on Mik
e.
Have you been able to find out anything? I asked.
Some. Not quite what I expected, but interesting nevertheless.
I chatted to Elona too. Anyway, you first?
Okay. Nearly all his team talk highly of him. I found them a good deal more open
than I expected. They are sad that he?s
Friends or Lovers
moved on, particularly the women. It sounds like he had a reputation for not put
ting up with any nonsense, but was also sympathetic and supportive when his staf
f had problems. A couple found him a bit old school?, you know, polite and caring
to women and a bit rougher and more argumentative with the men, but they all re
spect his abilities as a manager and as a salesperson.
Did you pick anything up about Elona? Were he and Elona close?
Yes and no. People liked her well enough but they found her a bit quiet. She work
ed closely with Mike that went with the job. They were always working together t
o resolve customer issues. Some didn?t mention the complaint in fact I got the i
mpression they didn?t know about it.
Phil stopped talking for a moment and had a puzzled look on his face, then he ga
ve out a slight laugh.
I can feel a but? coming ., I said.
Those that knew she had made a complaint were surprised. Some said they were shoc
ked because they thought the two got on extremely well. They wouldn?t elaborate,
and I felt that it wasn?t the right time to probe.
I decided to share what I found out.
Elona told me she felt uncomfortable socialising with her team. Mike, and some of
the younger men, touch her and make her feel uncomfortable. I still think there
is something going on that we don?t know about.
Phil paused. He rubbed his chin and touched his eyebrow before making several at
tempts to start speaking. Finally, some words were forthcoming.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I agree ..something didn?t feel right but I can?t put my finger on it.
What about Mike?s marriage?
Ah! Yes. He did have a rough patch a couple of years back. I think they sensed at
this point why I was taking an interest. They clammed up a bit. I got the impre
ssion that they were saying don?t go there?.
Interpretation?
Phil was hesitant, but I pressed him.
Tricky. Nobody said it out loud, but I would hazard a guess that he broke up with
his wife for a while.
I shared something that Dave had told me.
I?ve heard that too. He got close to Sally, one of the sales reps, and his wife k
icked him out for a while.
Then Phil said something that shocked me.
Yes I gathered that much and I?m sure I spoke to her.
Why d?you think that? I said with genuine surprise.
Sally?s attitude to him was so different from the others. She spoke about him alm
ost like .
He rubbed his chin vigorously as he sat thinking. He was searching for words.
Yes? I prompted.
.a cross between a brother and a lover .No. I don?t know. There was such a familiari
ty in the way she talked about him, as if they had spent a considerable amount o
f time together outside work ..
He paused again and I was starting to get a little frustrated.
Come on Phil, spit it out.
Friends or Lovers
Well. I got the feeling that Sally had lived with him for while. So far as I can
see, he still lives with his wife. I just can?t work it out at the moment.
Hmm. Okay. Keep your ear to the ground, I?ll see what I can find out my end.
After Phil left my office I pondered what I?d learnt. What do I know? Firstly, M
ike asked Elona out for a drink. Secondly, Elona is upset. Thirdly, Mike admits
that he put his arm around her, and when he admitted this he was definitely agit
ated. We now know that Elona has been troubled by over attentive men at social e
vents and that she?s hiding something. Fourth, Mike had an affair with a sales r
ep, his wife kicked him out, he lived with the rep for a while, his wife forgave
him and he moved back in.
What I find hard to understand is why his team is so supportive of him. Am I mis
sing something? Why would the women put their jobs on the line to move with him?
Why is his ex-lover so supportive? I think I should talk to Mike again it is on
ly fair to let him tell his side of the story.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 12
Hi. Come on in, Mike, I said with a welcoming tone.
He did not look relaxed so I tried to put him at ease.
Mike. I?m trying to clear up the background to this situation with Elona and, to
be frank, it doesn?t make sense to me. Are you happy to talk about it some more?
Mike?s hands were locked together and he looked very tense.
What do you want to know? he asked.
I talked with Elona about a week ago and I can?t help feeling that she?s holding
something back. I understand that you worked closely with her.
The moment I said this, Mike shuffled a bit in his seat. I let him settle before
I continued.
I?m not accusing you of anything, but I wondered if there is anything that you ca
n tell me that would help me understand the situation.
Mike looked at me for quite a few seconds. It was as if he was trying to decide
whether he should speak.
Has she told you about her problems at home? he asked.
Not in any detail. I understand that things have not gone smoothly with her boyfr
iend. Is that right?
Er. Yes .. but he stopped short of saying anything more and looked down at his knees
while he pondered further.
Is there anything further you can tell me about your working relationship with he
r?
He knew he had to talk and I watched as he drew in a large breath and settled in
to his chair.
It was good. She worked well. We worked well. She was not the most talkative or o
utgoing young woman, but I liked her
Friends or Lovers
and worked well with her. She does have problems at home and some issues within
the team my old team but I felt she and I had a good understanding. Her complain
t took me by surprise.
She didn?t make a complaint, Mike, I corrected.
She didn?t? he asked.
No. It was someone else in the department.
Well that explains a lot, he commented.
What do you mean? I asked.
Well, they clearly had no idea what was going on.
His statement puzzled me. I was not sure where to go next.
Why did you ask her out for a drink?
Mike tensed and I could see his hands clench. Then his right hand moved swiftly
to his face and he touched his cheek. His hands settled back into lap and he sta
rted to speak.
Haven?t we been over this before? he asked. Why are we raking it up again?
Because I think there?s more that I don?t know and maybe I didn?t fully understan
d, I said.
He started to nod slowly and relaxed a bit. I thought I detected a wry smile.
There is more, he said deliberately, but she spoke to me in confidence. I would fee
l more comfortable if you talked to her directly about it.
I?ve tried. But she?s hedging, I asserted.
Penny, she confided personal stuff to me and I don?t think I should break her con
fidence.
I felt myself start to get irritated, but tried to remain calm.
If I?ve made a mistake, I need to know, Mike. Nobody?s interests are served by wi
thholding relevant information.
Rory Ridley-Duff
He thought for a moment, then gathered his thoughts. He decided to open up.
She spoke to me in private about issues with her boyfriend and also an upsetting
incident with a team member. I talked to her several times over a number of week
s, gave her whatever support I was able. I also offered to meet her outside work
and the next thing there?s a complaint against me. I thought I must?ve said or
done something insensitive. If I have, I apologise but I really don?t know what
was alleged or why.
Why didn?t you come to me earlier? I asked.
I am used to handling these things within my team.
I found that remark patronising and privately wondered if he resented my involve
ment.
You get close to people don?t you? I commented.
He immediately tensed again.
What on earth do you mean?
I regretted the remark but it was out now and I had to limit the damage.
I know you give good support to your team.
Who?ve you been talking to? he asked aggressively. I thought you were trying to str
aighten this thing out.
His defences were up now, but I needed him to calm down if we were to make any p
rogress.
Mike. Mike. Slow down. Like I say, nobody?s accusing you of anything.
Then why can?t you look me in the eye when you say that? he retorted.
I looked him in the eye.
Nobody is accusing you of anything.
Inside, I knew the damage had been done.
Friends or Lovers
Okay, I said. Cards on the table. You are well liked by your team. Clearly you give
them excellent support and I can see they appreciate this and it has worked wel
l in the past. But you have got too close to team members before and this has ma
de managing the team complicated. Are you sure you?ve not overstepped the mark w
ith Elona?
I could see his anger rising and his face started to go red. I felt uneasy; I di
d not want this situation to get nasty but experience told me to remain calm and
sit in my chair.
He fixed my gaze.
I did not overstep the mark?, he said with some force. I did what any good manager w
ould do. I offered personal support for a member of my team who was experiencing
personal difficulties at work and at home.
I struggled to contain my own impatience.
Then tell me about these things. I cannot manage a situation I don?t understand.
She spoke to me in confidence and I?m not prepared to break that confidence. I ga
ve her my word. Even if it makes my position difficult I?m not prepared to break
my word.
He was a stubborn bugger and I decided to exert a bit of pressure.
I don?t want to fall out about this Mike, but it is as well you understand how I
feel. I think something has taken place between you and Elona, or Elona and a te
am member. It sounds like one or more of policies have been breached and you hav
e a duty to inform me if this is the case. You have a chance to be open with me
now, or later. On the basis of this conversation, I will have to talk to Dave ab
out calling a formal enquiry.
Mike looked at me. Curiously, he seemed to relax.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Do that and a can of worms will open so large that you may never recover from it ,
he said
My patience ended.
Are you threatening me, Mike?
It was my turn to fix my eyes on his.
No. I?m saying that you do not know enough about this situation to handle it, and
seeing as you?ve moved me to another department it is no longer my responsibili
ty. You?ve made mistakes already, calling an enquiry will just compound things.
People will get hurt.
Mike, maybe this is one can of worms that needs to be opened, I argued.
 Penny. There is more at stake here than my job. This is not in your interests tru
st me. Elona, you and others will be hurt if you pursue this.
Trust him? I don?t think so. This is one situation in which I will trust my own
instincts. There is some serious shit going on here and it is my job to find out
what it is. I gave him one last chance.
People have already been hurt. I need your co-operation. Are you going to give it
to me?
He stood thinking. Then, with a more friendly gesture he made a concession.
If you get Elona?s consent, I?ll talk, he replied.
Okay. Let me think on this and I?ll get back to you.
Right. I?ll await your call. His tone was slightly sarcastic and that annoyed me,
but I let it ride and saw him to the door.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 13
Things calmed down over the next few weeks. With all the recruitment issues to d
eal with, and the new starters, I put the Elona issue on a back burner. John and
I continued to e-mail each other in the evenings and steadily got to know each
other. We bantered about men and women and I started sending him feminist jokes.
He replied with masculist ones. My favourites were:
Question: Why does it take 20 million sperm to impregnate an egg?
Answer: Because none of them know how to ask for directions.
to which he responded .
Question: Why does it take 20 million sperm to impregnate an egg?
Answer: Because the egg is so busy rehearsing a speech about equality it forgot
to meet the sperm half-way.
The other one I really liked was:
After God made man, she said to Adam, there s some good news and some bad news .
Adam asked to hear the good news first.
The good news is that I ve given you a brain and a penis .
So what s the bad news? asked Adam.
The bad news is that you can only use one at a time.
..to which he replied .
Scientists have, after 20 years of diligent research, and a study involving 2000
women, finally discovered the food that reduces women s sex drive by 90% ..
....it s called Wedding Cake.
He added that when both men and women could laugh at both jokes, then perhaps we
?ll be approaching the end of the sex war. I responded with a George Burns quote
:
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There will always be a sex war because men and women want different things: men
want women and women want men.
His final retort was that there were still too many women who thought the best w
ay to end the sex war was to chop off the useless bit of skin attached to a peni
s called a man .
* * *
Tonight, after several months off the scene, I?ve decided it is party night! My
sister Carole and Chris will be around in half an hour and we are going to hit t
he pubs. They managed to pack the baby off to mum?s so we?re going to really roc
k n? roll.
I?m well into my beautification routine. About an hour ago I had a bath and soak
ed myself in essential oils, shaved under my arms and between my legs (quite the
fashion at the moment). I am lucky to have young skin, not least because I have
looked after it. Although I?m thirty-two, I easily pass for 25 and that means I
can still enjoy the singles scene and taste the delights of men who have more p
assion than technique, more ardour than intellect. It still gives me a thrill to
lead a man from first eye-contact to passionate fuck knowing that I am controll
ing every second of his (and my) pleasure; I can choose to blow his mind or tell
him to piss off.
Not all women have this power I?m lucky, I guess. And with this power comes some
responsibility. But the men in the singles scene are playing the same game; out
 for fun without commitment. If they didn?t fancy me they?d probably tell me to
piss off. In fact, now I come to think of it, they do say that in their own way
after they?ve shagged me. They don?t call me. Do I care? Yes, actually, it hurts
. It hurts a lot. But when I think about things, there is a perverse balance of
power. If I?m eventually going to get rejected, at least let the man have a
Friends or Lovers
smooth tanned muscular body, a handsome face, plenty of money in his wallet, and
a cock as big as his ego.
When I?m getting ready for nights like this, I like to soap my boobs. I have a g
reat pair no need for a padded bra or implants. Any under wired bra brings out t
he best in them, and when I put on a black body-hugging Elle top with a suitably
cut V-neck, I look sexy as hell without looking cheap or trashy. Tonight, I?m g
oing for it. I?ve put on some crystal studs and some dangly earrings that have a
blue tint (to match my eyes). Around my neck I have a Swarovski necklace bought
for me by a former boyfriend bastard wanted it back but I wouldn?t give it to h
im. It is studded with crystals and an eye catching sky blue jewel that fits int
o the crease of my cleavage.
Under my trendy black leather jacket there is a leather skirt with an overlong b
elt dead stylish, really cool and cut above the knee but not so short that I loo
k like a chav. To complete the effect I?m wearing close woven black fishnet stoc
kings not the unsubtle type with large holes that you get from Ann Summers the t
ype with holes so small that a guy won?t notice them until he?s up close and per
sonal. On my feet, I?ve put on black high heels with open toes and a single buck
le strap at the ankle. They are not that comfortable, but they complete the visi
on. I?m a hot babe tonight; a femme fatale out for a kill.
While I wait for my sister, I apply sky blue varnish to my fingernails. This is
a skill men cannot appreciate one area where you must be ambidextrous and exerci
se care so that the varnish is evenly applied and no splodges get on the skin. I
imagine most blokes won?t notice the detail, but the women will. I?m a piece of
art, fashioned to move the senses, a living sculpture. Sometimes being a woman
is such fun.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Even with all this preparation, it?s not looks alone that will attract. I?ve lea
rned from experience that the way I walk into a bar, the way I dance, the way I
talk and engage makes a huge difference. If I go out in a bad mood and don?t tal
k much, far fewer men approach me. But when I?m with girlfriends being vivacious
, talking boldly giving men discrete (and sometimes indiscrete) eye contact, the
n they flock to me like bees around a honey pot. There is nothing magical about
it, I just understanding how to flaunt myself.
Now my nails are dry, I open a bottle of wine. No harm having one glass before I
go out. If I do have to buy my own drinks (unlikely) then it will cut down the
cost of getting drunk. I take in the latest episode of Eastenders while I sip aw
ay. Eastenders! That reminds me out comes my pad and pencil. I decided to try so
mething out. Do men or women hit more in the soaps? To my astonishment, I find t
hat the women hit far more often. Funny, I?d never noticed that before.
And as for adverts, I am finding that if anybody is ridiculed it is men. The onl
y advert that reverses this is Nuts!? an advert for a trashy weekly men?s magazin
e. That advert is so unfunny like women don?t know how to do car repairs or seri
ous DIY work in the home. Actually I don?t know how to do these either, but it d
oesn?t matter because I get my father to come over. If I?m really stuck, then I
pick up the phone to get my favourite handyman to sort it out for me. Isn?t that
what men are for?
The adverts that do make me laugh are the car adverts aimed at women. Size matter
s?? It sure does although girth is probably more important. And that AA car insu
rance advert, it just shows what plonkers men really are. Why spend hours and ho
urs looking for a good deal when the AA can do it for you?
Friends or Lovers
And there are those women only insurance companies now. I can?t believe that the
re is talk about banning them or forcing them to offer insurance to men too; if
we women are safer drivers we should get cheaper insurance. All this stuff about
 insurers discriminating against men, it?s just bollocks. Why don?t men just lea
rn to drive more safely?
Anyway, these thoughts go through my mind as the doorbell rings. Up I get, open
the door, and see Carole and Chris looking chic and ready to party.
Come on in, I say. Just let me finish my glass of wine and we can shoot.
I give Carole a hug. She looks great too, but her bust isn?t as good as mine. Sh
e tends to avoid V? neck tops and wears a wonderbra with smooth silky fabric agai
nst her skin. This gives the suggestion of a full breast and shows her nipples w
hen she gets sweaty or turned on. She?s got great nipples, my sis?. I compliment
her while I look at Chris. His eyes are on stalks as he takes in my outfit. He
may be a bit of a twit, but he knows how to look at a woman and make her feel go
od.
You look good tonight Chris, I say.
I?m not lying. He?s been to River Island to buy new jeans and a shirt. I imagine
Carole went with him, but he?s a credit to her. His hair is washed and groomed.
He?s clean shaven which I know Carole likes and he?s got some dead cool trainer
s on too.
Just let me pop to the loo, interjects Carole. Back in a mo.
As soon as Carole is out of sight, Chris turns to me.
You look fantastic, Penny. Whoever reels you in tonight will be a lucky guy.
Thank you, Chris. I respond coyly. I aim to please.
I pause for a second and then a thought occurs to me.
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but I think it is me who will be doing the reeling in.
I bet you will, he replies, his eyes firmly looking into mine.
Doesn?t Carole look great? I say to deflect his attention.
She sure does. I?m a lucky guy going out on the town with you two I?ll be the env
y of every other bloke there. You both look a million dollars.
He was doing so well up to that point but had to spoil it by drawing attention t
o how good we?ll make him look. I like attracting men, but hate it when they reg
ard me as some sort of trophy. It is comments like these that show Chris for the
prat he is. Still, Carole loves him, so I guess there must be something about h
im. For the life of me I can?t see what it is.
Carole returns from the loo and we call a taxi. Carole and Chris stay over on ni
ghts like this and I give Chris a pair of spare house keys. There is a good chan
ce I won?t make it back home so they need to be able to let themselves in. I usu
ally try to come back for breakfast, but I like to take things as they come. I c
an?t predict whether I?ll feel like coming back home; it depends on whether a go
rgeous guy has whisked me off to a stunning penthouse.
The taxi arrives and drives us to a classy bar at the better end of town. I like
this bar. It has lots of comfy chairs to relax in with stylish tables. There is
a dining area too with a dance floor between the bar area and restaurant. On Fr
iday nights it is quiet until about 8.30pm and is rocking by 10pm. A good time t
o arrive is 8.15 as we have done early enough to get a table in the bar area, dr
ink until the restaurant table is ready, and then work off the calories on the d
ance floor.
Chris gets in the first round of drinks. I alternate between sparkling mineral w
ater and wine on these occasions it gets me
Friends or Lovers
drunk quite quickly and the water prevents me dehydrating. We chat while decidin
g what to eat:
So what?s happening in your life, sis? asked Carole.
Usual stuff at work. Always someone having difficulties or creating tension, I rep
lied.
And outside work? she added.
Well, I met John. We had a good time, I think.
You think? queried Chris.
You can never be sure, but yes, I think we had a good time, I confirmed.
Carole looked at me closely, and rested her chin on her hand momentarily as a su
btle grin took shape on her face.
 What? I asked.
She continued to grin but didn?t say anything.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Both Carole and Chris looked at each other and smiled.
Are you going to meet him again, then? Carole finally asked.
Yes. Now would you like me to tell you the length of his penis? I remarked pointed
ly.
Chris laughed. Carole looked me directly in the eye and did not miss a beat.
Yes. Just give me a rough idea. Was it as long as his CV?
His what?
His CV you said he was an academic turned consultant he must have a very long CV ..
Carole. I?ve news for you. He?s just a friend.
Oh yeah. She took on a superior tone as she started to make fun of me. My big siste
r who is all upright and proper at work, but a regular shag-bag outside work, ha
s got a friend?. It?s got bells on. Try again.
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I like him, okay. He?s married. He?s told me straight that he loves his wife, his
kids. This is a friendship.
And you believe him? interjected Chris.
I paused for a moment. Inside I was not sure whether I believed him or not. I wa
s not sure I wanted to believe that all he wanted was friendship, but for reason
s that I could not understand I felt that he meant what he said, even if I would
have liked more. Finally, I spoke.
Yes, was all I said.
Both Chris and Carole looked at each other again and gave each other a puzzled l
ook.
But you never have male friends outside work! shrieked Carole. You have male friend
s at work and a line of hunks knocking at your door outside work.
I was about to object but on reflection she was probably right. I do have female
friends although many stop seeing me when they have steady boyfriends. I used t
o think they were just busy, but slowly I realised that they were deliberately a
voiding me. Men as friends? No. She was right. Friendship with men had thus far
proved impossible.
Hey! Perhaps she?s growing up? Chris commented to Carole.
Cut the cheek you, I objected, but there was no stopping him.
Next you?ll be telling us that you are going to look for a husband.
Not tonight, I quipped.
Then, to make sure Chris was aware that I?d not enjoyed his comments, I looked a
t him with a dismissive smile. Men over 25 need not apply.
Friends or Lovers
It was Carole?s turn to laugh.
God sis?! When are you going to grow up and settle down?
If there is one thing that Carole had never said to me before it was that I shou
ld settle down. I thought she knew better, but the way she said this in such a c
arefree and matter of fact way actually stopped me in my tracks for a second.
Not tonight, I said after a moment. I?ll give it some thought tomorrow.
My mind returned to the task in hand and I could feel my face relax and a more p
leasant demeanour return.
But since the night is young and there are some young strapping lads here who are
hot and willing .let?s get on and eat, drink and party.
We ordered our food and I finished my second glass of wine. People were beginnin
g to come into the bar in greater numbers; couples, groups of young men and wome
n, sometimes together and sometimes separate. By 9pm we were sitting at our tabl
e, and the bar was getting so crowded that we had to queue for drinks. After mai
n courses and coffee, and a third glass of wine, I was ready to dance.
Shall we hit the floor? I asked.
Carole turned to Chris and gave a gesture.
I?ll stay here and order some coffees? he responded.
I?d rather have another sparkling water. Best not to mix drinks too much, I said w
ith a delicate hint of sarcasm.
Carole nodded and we made our way onto the floor. As I looked around, I could se
e the eyes of several men follow me. One of my great pleasures in life is attrac
ting admiring looks when I dance. When the DJ put on You Sexy Thing I began to tak
e control of the dance floor. I like this song, particularly
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since I saw Robert Carlisle strut his stuff in The Full Monty. God, he was great
but I think I have the edge when it comes to oozing sex appeal.
I put my arms above my head and I let my hips swing and my long hair fall sensuo
usly about me. I began to look around as I danced to see whose eye I could catch
. At the bar was a strong looking young man in a white tee-shirt and jeans. He l
ooked good and I caught his eye before quickly turning my face away and giving h
im a sight of my curves swinging in time to the music. Each time I turned quickl
y the hem of my skirt rose up enough to show an increasing number of admirers th
at I had black stockings and suspenders on.
As I cast my eyes around the restaurant tables, I caught half a dozen men lookin
g in my direction. One was so taken that his girlfriend put her hand under his j
aw and twisted his face back so that it looked at her. I grinned broadly and bri
efly as I flashed a look at the young man sitting at the bar. He was with friend
s, chatting, but his eyes kept looking in my direction. Good, I have his attenti
on. As the song ended, I saw that Chris was queuing at the bar not far from him
so I turned to Carole.
I?ll just help Chris with the drinks, and off I went.
As I walked towards this young man I looked directly at him and I could see his
nervousness. In Cosmo I read that a second of eye contact is a flirt. A two-seco
nd gaze is a come-on. Three-seconds is tantamount to telling him I want him insi
de my knickers. For now, I give him a series of strong admiring looks each lasti
ng a second or two. As I walk right past him, within a couple of feet, our eyes
meet. Then I turn to Chris so that my back is towards him.
Friends or Lovers
Shall I take that, I ask. Pretending to be helpful. Dancing is thirsty work.
Watching you makes my throat go dry too, Penny, he jokes.
Not as much as his, I think I say turning to my admirer and catching his eye again
.
Go easy on the young lad, Pen. His heart may not be up to it.
It?s not his heart I?m interested in, Chris.
Even though I was alternating water and wine, I could feel the effects of the dr
ink. I knew that I?d probably had enough, and that another glass might cause me
to get sleepy before I?d had any fun. Still, it had been a while since I?d let m
y hair down so I decided to take things as I found them. As I returned to the da
nce floor, I walked past my admirer again and this time I made sure that I brush
ed close by him and turned my head to check his eyes were following me. They wer
e. His friends realised I was giving him the eye and they were ribbing him and l
aughing loudly. One gave him a shove forward as if to say Go on, get after her! He
smiled and laughed in an embarrassed way but did not come out onto the dance fl
oor. He seemed a bit more nervous that most men. Whether it was the drink or not
, he definitely looked good to me. I decided to bide my time.
Carole was bopping away to YMCA when I arrived back with my drink. I tip-toed ar
ound her while I downed the water, gently moving in time with the music so as no
t to spill anything. The next record was Madonna?s Open Your Heart, one of my fa
vourites, and Carole decided to leave me to hog the limelight while she drank he
r coffee. Soon I was in full flow again, with my arms above my head, gyrating my
hips and inviting the onlookers to let their imagination run wild.
Rory Ridley-Duff
A number of men tried to join in with me while my young admirer remained at the
bar drinking his pint. I allowed them to dance near me, but if they tried to tou
ch I quickly moved away so as not to discourage the man I?d set my eyes on. Afte
r five minutes Carole and Chris joined me and we grooved away for the next coupl
e of records, letting the alcohol and atmosphere go to our heads. It was time to
cast my line and hook my man.
Just going to the loo, I shouted in Chris?s ear. Back in a minute!
I walked towards the bar again and could see my catch stare at me as I approache
d him. His friends, like the parting of the red sea, backed away a little as I w
ent up to him calmly and confidently.
Hi! I?m just going to the girls? room. Would you like to get me a drink and we ca
n chat when I get back?
He broke into a big grin and nodded. Yes, he was really very fit indeed and his
face was kind and very pleasing to the eye. I put my hand on his shoulder as I d
rew my mouth close up to his right ear. White wine. I shan?t be long.
As I drew away, I let my cheek very gently touch his.
I walked down the stairs to the toilets, past two young couples who were already
exploring each other?s throats and fondling each others? buttocks. I imagined m
y youthful admirer - almost certainly rock hard by now as I entered the women?s
loos to reapply make-up that had been affected by the sweaty atmosphere. I looke
d in the mirror. My black hair had become loose and free-flowing and I looked li
ke a high-class tart. The tingle of anticipation heightened my arousal as I ente
red a cubicle to relieve myself. I closed my eyes and pictured the young man who
was buying me a drink. I was ready.
Friends or Lovers
I returned to the bar and he had my drink ready. It occurred to me that I had no
t heard him speak yet so I held out my hand.
Hi. I?m Penny. He took it and instead of shaking it, he raised it to his lips and
kissed it. Very smooth.
George, he said. His conversation skills could do with a bit of grooming, I must s
ay.
Out with your mates, I see, I said, looking over in their direction.
Yeah. Load of tossers, but they?re alright.
I raised my glass in their direction and they acknowledged me en masse.
Nothing wrong with a good toss ., I said, looking him straight in the eye.
To my surprise, he did not respond. In fact, if I?d not known better I would hav
e said he almost wet his pants. It looked like I was going to have to be gentle
with him.
So, what do you and your mates do? I said, trying to get the conversation going ag
ain.
Them lot? he said. Most of us work for the AA, you know, emergency breakdowns and t
hat stuff. Rescuing damsels in distress!
So, not overloaded in the brain department, but there was a hint of humour there
. I decided to play with him and see how far he would go.
Are you feeling lucky tonight, then?
I wondered if this was too much of a come on, but I thought it was already obvio
us that I was coming onto him. Again, he didn?t respond and I began to wonder wh
ether I?d misread him.
Do you like the outfit? I asked giving him a quick twirl, fast enough to give a fl
ash of suspenders.
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I saw the Adam?s apple in his throat move. Christ, he really was nervous! But th
en some words came out.
I .I think you look ..I ..
Come on lad, spit it out.
I ..I think you look .absolutely fucking fantastic.
At last.
There, that wasn?t so hard, was it?
He laughed and suddenly he relaxed. I?m not sure exactly what I did or said, but
from that moment on he seemed to change into a different person.
I?ve not seen you here before, he said.
I only go out when I?m with my sister. She?s over there with her would-be hubby.
I moved closer to him and pointed her out on the dance floor.
Hmm. Hot stuff, he said and then he must have detected a slight movement in me bec
ause he looked me in the eye and continued but not as hot as her younger sister.
Keep them coming. That was good, very smooth.
Well, you look like a fit young lad. Are you old enough for me? I teased.
 Twenty next week. How about you?
I decided to lie no point shattering his illusions.
I?m twenty five.
Fuck. You don?t look it!
I was not sure whether that was a compliment or not but I need not have worried
because he quickly reassured me.
I thought you were my age.
Cool. I thought. Is he deliberately flattering me or does it come naturally. I s
miled at him a genuine smile of appreciation, and then gave him a wicked look.
Friends or Lovers
Old enough to teach you a few tricks?
Before I knew it he?d slipped his firm hand around the back of my head and kisse
d me, gently as first, and then more passionately. I opened my mouth and let his
tongue in. For his age he was a good kisser, and his tongue explored my mouth.
It felt confident and firm which I hoped was a good sign for later. I pulled awa
y slightly and whispered in his ear.
.don?t waste it all now, plenty of time for that later ..
I put my hand between his legs and gave a quick squeeze. I heard a slow rising s
ound from my right. He friends were looking on and gave a long slow Wwwwooooooooo
rrrrrrrrrrrrr!
With perfect timing Rock DJ started to play. There was a sudden movement from al
l of George?s friends and I followed them onto the dance floor. The place sudden
ly came alive and I found myself surrounded by young men, with George?s arms aro
und my waist as we did a bump and grind. We must have cut quite a picture my ars
e pressed against his groin as he pretended to pump me from behind.
He moved well. I thought him quite a sexy dancer and his friends were fun too. C
arole and Chris joined us and we had quite a party for the next hour. I drank an
other glass of water and wine and started to feel very naughty. Over the loud mu
sic, I managed to make him understand that he should meet me outside the loos in
5 minutes. I went to check my make-up again, relieved myself once more and then
waited outside, leaning against the wall like a prostitute waiting for a client
.
He came down the stairs and I could see the animalism in him. I parted my legs s
lightly and guided him in between them. We kissed passionately, our tongues wind
ing around each others,
Rory Ridley-Duff
our hand moving over each others bodies and between each others legs. His hands
were all over me, under my skirt and inside my top. Time to get out of here, I sai
d.
He nodded and we gathered our jackets and left. I flagged us a taxi and gave the
driver the address. As the car moved away, his hand was under my skirt again an
d I opened my legs wide for him. His fingers worked inside the hem of my pants a
nd rubbed around my clit. Then a finger was inside me and I gasped before grabbi
ng his hair and guiding his mouth back to mine. My hands were inside his tee-shi
rt, feeling his muscular body, rubbing him up and down while he finger-fucked me
.
We paid the taxi driver, who bid us farewell with the comment Have fun!
As soon as we were inside the door of my flat, I jumped up and put my legs aroun
d his waist.
That room, I indicate with a nod of the head.
He carried me through and dropped me on the bed. I slowly pulled my arms up behi
nd my head, closed my eyes, and opened my legs wide for him so he could see my s
uspenders in all their glory. His head was between my thighs, kissing me gently,
moving up slowing. He pulled my pants to one side and buried his face in my pus
sy.
Then came my first disappointment.
That firm tongue that was so good exploring my mouth felt like a dish mop betwee
n my legs. I tried to focus and get excited but his tongue action was so off put
ting that I could not put up with it for long. I grabbed his head, indicating he
should stop, and pointed down to his crotch. He understood immediately and took
 off his trousers and pants. Then he climbed roughly back on top of me and tried
to put it in. He did
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not guide it in with his hand, but poked around inexpertly, looking for the entr
ance. Eventually he was inside, but he pumped me so fast and furiously that it h
urt. I liked it long and slow, preferably with my lover holding my legs up over
his shoulders and making sure he angled his cock into the pit of my stomach.
I was beginning to get frustrated, so I shut my eyes and let him fuck me for a f
ew minutes.
Do you want me on all fours? I asked.
Yeah. Yeah, he said furiously.
Take it a bit slower, I said with a hint of impatience. Long and deep, I added in a
seductive tone.
He looked at me in an odd way. Then quickly nodded.
I took up my position, and lowered my head against the pillow and presented my p
erfectly fuckable clean-shaven fanny to him. He broddled about again before he f
ound the hole and despite my instruction he continued to pump fast and furious.
I put my hands down between my legs and tried to compensate for this unerotic ex
perience by massaging my clit. It started to work, my excitement rose. Then I di
d something that perhaps I should not have done. I shut my eyes and started to i
magine it was John behind me, thumping away in my hole and I began to feel a pri
ckle welling up in my body.
I pictured John?s handsome face behind me, his strong hands on my back, and his
cock working away in my pussy. I started talking, egging him on, come on big boy
, give it to me hard, fill me up with your spunk, come on John ..
John?! he shouted and suddenly pulled out of me.
Who the fuck is John? he shouted at me.
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George, George, come on hun, get it back in me, come on ..
I saw his face slowly turn to beetroot as the resentment rose in him. As it did,
so it rose in me too. I turned away, got up and shot an irritated glance at him
as I walked to the bathroom.
Well, I suppose it was good while it lasted! I added sarcastically.
His face turned red. Then he bellowed.
I am not a piece of meat!
He started to put on his clothes. As soon as I realised he was going to leave th
e rage boiled over in me too.
You bastard. You?re a fucking crap kisser, your tongue is like a dish mop and you
fuck like a pneumatic drill! Go on. Piss off out of here.
He dressed quickly and did not bother to button up his shirt or jacket before he
made for the door. As he left the room, he turned around and with a cruel sneer
made a parting remark that I?ll never forget.
And you, you old slapper, are never 25.
I picked up a glass of water by the bed and threw it at him, but he closed the d
oor and it smashed.
Fuck off out of here .! I shouted at the top of my voice but he was already out of t
he front door before I?d finished saying it.
I sat back on the bed and curled up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with distress an
d an emotion that I?d not felt for years. It grew inside me slowly, swelling lik
e a wave and rolling slowly into shore. As I felt it get closer, the wave starte
d to break, my emotions started to erupt, engulfing me and crashing frenetically
throughout my body. I felt my mouth twitch and my eyes grow moist. What am I do
ing? I?m a grown
Friends or Lovers
woman picking up a teenager for sex. What am I doing? Suddenly, I was being swep
t away on a huge wave of feeling. My pitifully shallow life crushed me. With my
eyes dripping, I curled up into a ball and started to howl like a baby. My insid
es convulsed in pain, as if I had been run through with a wooden stake. Never in
my life had I felt such pain and I wept for the first time in 11 years, the fir
st time since I kicked out my university boyfriend after he?d cheated on me with
 my best friend. And as I wept, I thought of only one thing. John. I wanted to b
e with John, to feel his arms around me, to weep as I lay on his chest. I though
t of nothing else but to be with John.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 14
I cried for an hour as thoughts bounced around my mind like a powerball inside a
hollow steel container. I was all over the place, pulled this way, then that. W
ho am I? What is this life I have created? Why am I so afraid? Why do men treat
me like shit? Why do I treat them like shit? As much as I hated George for sayin
g it, I had treated him like a piece of meat, a succulent Sunday roast to devour
and then throw away the carcass. I never sought a relationship, certainly nothi
ng that would last. Why not? What was I doing wasting my life?
I?m not young any more. Okay, so I can pull the guys. But there is something mis
sing that I can?t understand. I?ve lived like this, on and off, for ten years, n
ever settling with anyone, never letting anyone settle with me. If they get too
close, I push them away. If they run away, I get mad and grab onto someone else
to ease the pain. There must be more. There must be something beyond passion and
sex.
And, am I really happy at work? I tell everyone that I am, but I don?t know any
more. Every year that passes, I earn more brownie points but feel less enthusias
m. The greater the responsibility, the less I seem to feel for people. In the pa
st, I used to like the staff I recruited, to enjoy nurturing them and watching t
hem grow. But now, it is a chore. Yet another person leaves and I have to shuffl
e everyone around, fill out more paper work, update more systems. Sometimes I wi
sh people would just stay still.
I get up and go to the bathroom. My face is stained and I look ugly. I feel ugly
. Who have I ever made happy? I?ve done so much, but achieved so little. Same ol
d, same old, week after
Friends or Lovers
week, month after month. I pull my hair back and begin to dab my face to remove
some of the stains while the tears start to flow again. What is the point? As I
throw myself on the bed, I look at the clock and the mobile phone next to it. Wi
thout a moment?s thought, I pick it up and type John? and press Dial?. It rings. A
nd rings. Come on John, be there, pick it up. Pick it up.
Urrm. Hawww Who?s th What time is it? Fuck! What? Errm. Who is there? he finally say
s.
I try to talk but all I can do is sob.
Hello? he asks. I can hear you crying. Who is it?
Amongst the whimpers, I finally manage to say my name.
Penny? What is it? What?s happened?
In the background, I can make out a woman?s voice saying who is it, darling? and h
e responds that it is me. I can faintly hear another question . wh .she ..this ime .of .gi
It sounds like the line is breaking up, but then his voice comes across strongly
.
Penny? You still there? What happened, love?
I have no idea why, but the moment he said the word love? I started to feel safer
. I calmed down enough to get a sentence out.
I?m such a fool. Such a fool. I?ve really fucked up. I knew I was not making much
sense but at least some feelings were coming out.
Just take your time. No hurry. Just tell me what happened.
I paused. I really did not know what to say.
Oh, John, I said. Just hearing a friendly voice helps.
Good. Good. But what?s happened? he asked again.
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I feel so stupid. It is so stupid. I don?t even understand why I?m upset or why I
?ve called you. Please forgive me for waking you up, I just wanted to talk to so
meone.
I knew that he would not be able to make head or tail of this, but as I talked I
was trying to work out in my head exactly what it was that I was upset about. W
hy exactly was I crying?
 I just had a bad night, I continued.
Have you been attacked? he said kindly.
No. No. It?s not that. It?s just that .it?s just .you know I just don?t know what it
is. I?m not even sure. Maybe it is the drink.
I stopped for a moment and he spoke with a strong voice.
Penny. Can you do something for me? I?ll try, I replied.
Can you get a pen and paper and write down what you are feeling now. Right now. W
rite out what you are feeling. Don?t think too hard, just get a pen and paper an
d write.
Why? I said with a puzzled tone.
Tomorrow I?ll come round and we?ll read it together.
And that was all he needed to say. To know that I was going to see him made such
a difference that I felt my tears and distress subside. Normality returned.
Thank you. Thank you, John. I?ll call again in the morning.
I could hear a woman?s voice again asking wher ..uck .goin .morrow? and then John?s voic
e explain that it was me on the phone and that I was seriously distressed by som
ething. Then another faint question: why .ling you? . He said he didn?t know but that
he?d find out tomorrow. Before he signed off I heard her say in a less concerne
d, and much
Friends or Lovers
friendlier voice come ack t .ed, superman. . Then he spoke to me again.
I have to go now, Penny. Find that pen and paper. Start writing for me.
I said that I would.
I got a pen and paper and started to think. I did so for over 30 minutes trying
to form thoughts in my mind and get them down on paper. By the time I heard a ke
y in the lock I had written only two words.
I m lonely.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 15
Carole looked after me. Chris slept in the spare bed while little sis slept with
me. I couldn?t tell her what happened - I just couldn?t - and luckily she did no
t press me. I?m sure she must think that I was raped or assaulted, but I just ca
n?t tell her that the man I?d seduced had realised, mid-shag, that I was fantasi
sing about another man. How do you tell that to anyone, let alone your sister?
I had another session sobbing my eyes out at the breakfast table. Carole and Chr
is had no idea how to stop me. They just sat there quietly, Chris on one side, w
ith his hand on my back, Carole holding my hand.
Um .Do you .d?you .want to
No, I said quickly. It?s too painful.
What about the police? Chris asked. I could tell they?d been talking to each other
.
God, no! I said with a start. You mustn?t do that!
But .
I had to tell them something. I had to tell them enough of the truth for them to
understand and not blame anyone.
He walked out on me. We got back here, started having sex and then he just got up
and walked out on me.
What a bastard! said Carole.
I?ll punch his face in next time I see him, threatened Chris.
No. No. You must not blame him.
Why not? they said together. Then Carole took my arm and spoke more softly.
What happened, sis, you can tell us. We just want to help.
I .I .He .
Friends or Lovers
What could I say? I did not want to lie, but I could not tell them what happened
. What could I say?
I don?t want to tell you, I started but suddenly the words started to come out. Som
ething happened that upset the evening. It is no-one?s fault you must not blame
him - but when this something? happened we got angry with each other. That?s all
I can say.
 But why all the tears, sis? said Chris.
Oh! Carole. It just all came down on me. My life looks great on the outside but i
nside it is a heap of shit. I look at you and Chris and wonder what I?m doing wi
th my life. I know I look all confident and happy, but I?d trade places with you
if I could.
Carole?s mouth dropped open. Clearly she could not believe what she was hearing.
Then her mouth closed, she took my hand and indicated I should stand up. As soo
n as I was on my feet she held her arms open and I fell into them.
Welcome to the real world, sis, she whispered.
No fairy tales. No happy endings? I asked.
Don?t be such a cynic, she said pulling away and looking me in the face.
Why not?
I found my prince charming. So will you, and she cast a glance at Chris the like o
f which I?d never noticed before. I was so used to her moaning about his habits
that I?d not noticed that she really admired him.
Chris smiled back then put his arms around both of us.
Family cuddle, he said, and for reasons I could not understand another wave of emo
tion engulfed me and the tears
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started to flow again. Carole spoke softly while Chris hugged us both.
That?s right. Go on. Let it out. Get it out.
I suddenly realised that my little sister had done more growing up than I had. S
he had taken on the responsibility of a partner and baby. What had I done? Yeah,
I had my career but how did that compare to the responsibility of loving anothe
r person? I hadn?t done that. I?d never been ready to do that. And I was still n
ot sure if I was ready to do it now.
By the way, Carole suddenly interjected, John called. He said he?ll pick you up at
12pm.
John? Oh God, yes! I remembered and was amazed. He was going to keep his word.
Carole smiled at me.
He sounded nice.
Don?t! was my first response. I?ve had all the romance I can take for one weekend.
Romance? laughed Chris.
Oh, shut up, I said, but the smile that was creeping back into my demeanour commun
icated to him that I did not really mean it.
Chris smiled back at me. I?d never noticed before what a kind smile he had. I wo
ndered if, perhaps, I had misjudged him. It was already 10.30; John was coming a
t mid-day so I had to stir myself to start getting ready. I went over to the dre
sser and combed my hair.
Now girl, said Carole. Don?t dress up for him. Just put on something real casual an
d be yourself.
My hand rose to my forehead as I gave her a salute.
Friends or Lovers
Don?t try to impress him. Just let the day unfold and run with it, however it goe
s.
I knew she was trying to help, but it always annoyed me when she gave advice lik
e this. I took it on the chin, however; it was good advice after all.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 16
Twelve o?clock came and went, and I could feel a few butterflies in my stomach w
ith each passing minute. I drank the dregs of my tea, fidgeted, walked around, s
at down, walked around again and generally irritated everybody. As each car pass
ed outside, I kept expecting it to be him. The wait seemed interminable. After w
hat seemed like forever, a car pulled up and a handsome man in jeans and a black
pullover got out of the car and looked around. He was clearly looking at the ho
use numbers to check which doorbell to press. I looked at my watch and could not
believe that it was only 12:06.
I unlatched the door and opened it.
Hi there! he said without a moment?s hesitation.
Would you like to come in for a sec? I asked.
 Sure. I can meet that sister of yours. The one with the sexy voice.
And her partner . I quipped nodding my head in Chris?s direction.
He put his hand over his mouth.
Oopps! he said self-consciously.
Don?t apologise, chirped Chris. She has got a sexy voice.
Chris was standing behind Carole and wrapping her in his arms. She lent back and
gave him a kiss on his neck to thank him for the compliment.
John had a cup of coffee and made small talk with Carole and Chris while I gathe
red up my things. I?d dressed casually, just jeans and a rugby shirt (with a cut
especially for women). I?d removed my make-up, and just put on a small amount o
f transparent lippy to give them a moist look.
Friends or Lovers
I?m set to go! I finally said.
John got up, said his farewells? and nice to meet yous?.
Your carriage awaits you, Madam, he joked as he escorted me to his car.
It was quite a swish car, I thought. I was no expert, but from work I had more k
nowledge of motors than the average gal. He?d chosen a mid-range Ford in black,
with a 2-litre engine, in-car stereo/CD player, full security system, sunroof an
d alloy wheels. It fitted his character. He had no need for a flashy sports car,
or gas-guzzler, but he liked a few luxuries, and the colour and style had a hin
t of sexiness about it.
Inside the car, he had a selection of CDs, compilations of classical music by Fr
ench classical composers and American jazz artists. His tastes were broad and se
lective; the music of a person did not care about fashion or his own image, just
the sensuous experience of listening.
He saw my eyes casting over his collection.
Any preferences?
I particularly like Carly Simon, Norah Jones and Eva Casidy but it doesn?t look l
ike you have any.
To my surprise he opened another hidden compartment with a further dozen CDs. In
there was music by Casiopeia, Carly Simon, Queen, the Yellowjackets and Mozart.
He took out the Very Best of Carly Simon CD and away we drove to the rich tones o
f You?re So Vain?.
Any particular destination you?d like? he asked gently.
I thought for a moment. I had no wish to go a long way, but was keen to walk som
ewhere quiet.
How about Warwick castle? We could walk around the grounds, I suggested.
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He nodded. I was about to give him directions but he made a left turn. I realise
d that he must already know the area.
You know the way? I queried.
Yes, a bit. I have friends in Warwick.
Of course, you told me.
I did not feel talkative because I was not sure how to start. I?d called him whe
n I was distressed and he was bound to think I wanted to talk about what happene
d. Now he was here, I was not sure what to say. I could hardly tell him the trut
h.
Do you want to eat before or after the walk? he asked.
I still had a bit of a hangover so food was not high on my agenda yet.
Let?s walk first, I suggested.
I recalled the voice in the background during our phone conversation.
Was your wife okay about your coming here today?
Not really. She?ll get over it. She knows that no man particularly me can totally
resist being a knight in shining armour. She was forgiving.
Is that what you are? I asked.
I don?t mind being a stand-in until you find someone who can do it for you full t
ime.
It didn?t fit somehow with the conversations we?d previously had about equality
between the sexes, but at this particular moment I was happy to borrow someone e
lse?s knight for the day.
 But there is one condition, he added.
What?s that?
No hanky panky! he said with a smile.
Friends or Lovers
The thought never crossed my mind, I snapped back with a grin.
He may have been driving, but he caught my message and smiled back at me briefly
.
Just so long as we both understand the boundaries, he confirmed.
I do, I said, with some irony. This small phrase, normally the preserve of people
tying the knot, seemed appropriate for the contract that we were making between
us.
After this, I felt myself relax and the prospect of the day ahead filled me with
pleasure. The trauma of the previous night receded as I filled my senses with t
houghts of what we would do with our day. We turned a corner that brought the ca
stle into view then drove around the perimeter to the visitor car park.
Okay, Madam, he said with mock politeness. I am now in your hands.
In my dreams , I thought to myself. My sumptuous naughty side had not been destroye
d by the humiliation I?d been through; I was grateful for that. Even though it s
ometimes got me into trouble, the kitten in me was still there.
He continue playing the game of protector? by opening the car door for me and ind
icating the direction of the grounds with a slight nod and wave of his right han
d.
Thank you, my man, I said with a haughty look that I imagined women of class would
give to a chauffeur, or footman. Then I blew it by whispering to him do I give y
ou a tip??
He broke into a chuckle as he swung the door shut.
We set off on a path around the perimeter of the castle. I liked this path becau
se it led through a couple of wooded areas, then up a slight incline as we cross
ed more open ground until we had
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a view of the whole locality. The full circuit would take about 45 minutes and b
y then I would feel ready for lunch. We walked for a couple of minutes without s
aying anything to each other. I sensed that both of us were looking for an openi
ng line that would enable us to talk about what had happened. Finally, he spoke.
I imagine a man was involved somehow last night?
I wished it was that simple, but I had to start somewhere.
Yes. That was the trigger, I replied.
The trigger for what?
I looked at him and the distress must have shown in my face.
Penny, we don?t have to talk about this if you don?t want to.
I was afraid but I longed to talk to him.
It?s okay. This is not easy for me to talk about. I?m not good at sharing my feel
ings, particularly with men.
He gave me one of those half-smiles that conveyed both sympathy and an understan
ding of my suffering. He did not interrupt and I realised that he expected somet
hing more.
Last night I tried to follow your advice. I sat down after I came off the phone,
made myself a coffee and tried to write down what was troubling me. I could have
written pages and pages of trivia; lots of tiny agonies; irritations with thing
s at work; lots of conflicting emotions about how angry I feel about things that
happened in the past. All the boyfriends I dumped, their irritating habits, the
bastards that dumped me, or didn?t call me, or made me feel beautiful when they
were trying to get in my knickers, but then backed off when I opened my heart i
n response to their lovely words. I could have written about how jealous I am of
my sister. She?s found a man to love her and now has a beautiful child that she
dotes on. I could have written
Friends or Lovers
about the distance I feel from my mother for the way she used to look at me when
I brought boyfriends home. I could tell she thought I was little better than a
tramp so I dug my heels in and took my boyfriends up to my bedroom just to make
her mad.
I stopped for a second to gather my recollections. I noticed that he was listeni
ng intently so I continued.
I fought her for years. She thought I was too young? for boyfriends! How can you c
hoose things like that? I was ready at 14. I had passion in me, John, real passi
on and I did not want to wait until some stupid outdated law said I could sleep
with boys. You?d think my father would be the one to object, but no, it was my m
other who was constantly critical. There were times we would hit each other, but
I would not be controlled.
He nodded.
Well, all this was going through my head last night while I held the pad. Do you
know what I wrote in the end?
It was a rhetorical question, but he followed form by asking me anyway.
And then I said it. I said out loud the words that I?d hidden in my head for yea
rs.
I?m lonely, John. Really lonely.
As I said the words, I felt my eyes moisten again and I looked at him. And then
I got a total shock. I could see a single tear rolling down his left cheek. He w
as crying. He was crying.
John! I started. What is it, John?
Come here, he said, and just as my sister had earlier in the day, he offered his a
rms and I fell into them. Unlike my sister, however, his arms were larger and st
ronger. They made me feel safer and all warm inside.
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He rocked me gently from side to side for a few seconds. Then he released me and
started to walk again. I wished that I could have stayed in his arms for longer
, but it would not have been right.
I?ve made all my own choices, never let anybody run my life for me, or be my slav
e.
He gave me a sideways glance.
But at such a high price he responded.
I was not sure what he meant, so I gave him a puzzled look.
All that control?, all that competence?, all that professionalism? comes at a high p
rice, don?t you think?
And I did think, but I was still not sure what he meant. He spoke more.
When was the last time you felt like this, talked like this?
I thought hard. I could not remember a time when I had cried like this .. My God!
I looked at him.
Not since my first day at university. After my parents drove away, I sat alone in
my room and felt so unbearably alone that I cried my eyes out.
And by the end of the day, I?ll bet, you had made several girlfriends who later b
ecame your enemies. And after your first disco, you had lads competing to become
your boyfriend.
I smiled.
Yes. But those few hours were the loneliest. Unbearable.
We all need intimacy in our lives, Penny, even hard-nosed career women.
As he said this he cupped my cheek with his hand. It was such a gentle gesture,
something that my father might have done to me as he put me to bed. For the firs
t time in years, I felt the
Friends or Lovers
warmth of a man?s love and I could not stop my head incline itself towards his s
oft touch.
Do you want to talk about last night? he asked as we resumed our stroll.
I was not sure, but I felt I should give him something to understand why I?d cal
led.
I fell out with the person I picked up at a bar. He walked out. All that loneline
ss it just crashed down on me and I had to talk to you. I felt I just had to hea
r your voice.
Why mine? he asked.
That, indeed, was the question I did not want to answer. I had to say something,
 however.
Because if there is anyone who can help me unravel the minefield that stands betw
een men and women, I guess it is you. You?re an expert in it, after all.
I detected his pleasure at hearing this.
Not an expert, Penny. It is just something I take a keen interest in.
Suddenly some words popped out of my mouth that I did not intend.
Help me, John.
There was a pregnant pause while he considered the import of what I had just sai
d.
Of course I will, he said reassuringly. I?ll try.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 17
Over the next few hours we took in the views around Warwick, lunched in a tea sh
op, climbed a tower, laughed, joked, discussed politics, the meaning of life, tr
avelled to deepest outer space, and generally just chilled together. I was more
relaxed with him than I had been with any man for over a decade, perhaps more re
laxed with him than any man except my father. Our conversation never stopped all
day. Wherever we were, whatever we did, we talked and exchanged thoughts consta
ntly. The sexual tension was always there. My attraction to him never completely
left me, and the way his eyes fixed themselves on me sometimes, I could tell th
at he was sucking in my beauty so that he could savour and bathe in it.
His eyes were not lustful, just filled with the admiration a person might feel l
ooking at a beautiful portrait or marvelling at a moment of cinematic brilliance
. He looked at me as if he was searching my soul, not ogling my body, and it fil
led me with a confidence that I could not explain. I admired him, but the desire
to seduce him slowly ebbed away. I just wanted to be with him, occupy the same
space, hear his voice, and know that he was nearby.
By late afternoon, he suggested that we might like to eat at Pizza Hut again. I
felt, however, that I should take him somewhere special to thank him for the day
out. I chose my favourite Italian, a place tucked away in a cobbled side street
that was quiet enough to have a hint of romance, but with a festive atmosphere.
How?s that problem at work you had? he asked, as we started on our desserts.
Friends or Lovers
Which problem is that? I answered without looking up.
You mean there are so many?
Can we utter a sentence without it being a question? I asked.
I don?t know. Can we? he said with his smile broadening all the time.
What was your question again? was my retort.
My first, second or third question? he said chuckling.
Do you want to ask the first one? I was not giving up first.
The one about the problem you had at work.
Gotcha. Fifteen love. I said with a victory salute.
His face told me that he was interested in more than the game, so I dropped the
stupid stuff and regained my composure.
Work. Yeah. Things have moved on a bit. Things don?t seem to be quite right. The
more I talk to the man, the more I sense that he?s trying to be straight with me
. The more I learn about the woman?s situation Well, he seems more on the level th
an I first thought, but he?s hiding something from me, not just about the curren
t incident but about a past relationship too. She?s a prude for sure, but I thin
k she is holding back on an incident with somebody in the team. I get the feelin
g that some sexual shit is going on that nobody wants to talk about. What about
your friend?
I?ve only had one update, but I should get the full story soon we?ll be working t
ogether on a project.
So what?s the story there?
Well, it has been difficult at home for him. The problem at work has made things
worse at home.
Why?s that?
He thinks it will be okay, but he?s very sensitive about what happened.
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 Why?
To explain that I?d have to go way back.
I?m in no rush, I said.
Okay. Well he had a difficult period with his wife about .er four years, yes, about f
our years ago. He?s a really sweet guy. One of his colleagues was having marital
problems and she started talking to him about them eventually she admitted she
was being abused by her husband.
Not a situation you come across every day, I commented
Not something you hear about every day, he clarified. Anyway, he gave her support b
ut after a few weeks they had a real heart to heart and she said she wanted to g
et out.
So what happened?
Well, that night he collected her from her home and took her to his. His wife was
not pleased, but he convinced her that he?d no choice. She became his lodger fo
r several months while they waited for a vacancy at a refuge. He helped her furn
ish her room. Later he helped her find and move into a flat he even gave her the
money for a deposit.
I bet his wife did not like that!
Yeah. Right. Big problem. Big rows. His wife accused him of having an affair, and
to this day he has always denied it. The money thing was too much for her and s
he threw him out. So he stayed with his woman friend as her lodger for a while.
It took a few months but eventually his wife came around and let him come back h
ome. She took him back but made him promise never to get involved with another w
oman again.
So how does that have a bearing on his current problem?
From what I gather he started to help another woman at work who had been having p
roblems at home. He didn?t want to let
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her down, but he also didn?t want her to get too close to him. So he backed off
and upset her. He changed jobs and only told his wife afterwards.
I felt sorry for this guy. He sounded like he really cared for both his wife and
his work colleagues and just wanted to help everybody. John was relaxed while w
e chatted and I could tell he cared about his friend. In fact, I got a feeling t
hat John just cared about people. There didn?t seem to be anyone in his life tha
t he did not like.
John. I?ve enjoyed today.
It was one of those leading phrases, one that invites intimacy.
Penny. I?ve enjoyed today too, and he gave me that same warm smile that I remember
ed from our first meeting.
Do you .. I stopped. This was risky. Did I have the courage to say it? Do you .
Hell, why was I so nervous? I hate my nerves.
Do ah!
Then he did something that really startled me. He took my hands in his.
Sometimes things don?t need to be said.
Inside I could feel my heart pumping and my breathing quicken. I said it anyway.
Do you .ever fantasise about me? I asked.
Whatever he had expected, I don?t think it was this because he immediately raise
d his eyebrows in astonishment. He took one hand away and squeezed his nose.
I?ll answer that question if you will tell me why you?re asking it.
Why was I asking it? I was not sure.
Deal. I said.
Rory Ridley-Duff
He hesitated, but only for a moment.
The answer is Yes?, but not when I?m making love to my wife.
I felt a peculiar sensation; a deep pleasure that he thought of me sexually, but
disappointment that he mentioned his wife. Clearly he wanted me to know that I
would not take her place.
Your turn, he said, reminding me of the pact.
I hesitated. I shuddered because I realised why I?d asked him this question. I w
anted to tell him I fantasised about him. I wanted to tell him about the night b
efore, about the way things had unfolded. I tensed, and he noticed immediately a
nd took my hands again.
Last night .. I stopped and looked down into my lap.
Last night? he queried.
I could feel the emotion rising in me again. I was not sure if I had the courage
to say it. I closed my eyes and summoned my strength. Was this going to lead to
disaster? I wanted to tell him. I wanted to share this, but I did not want him
to reject me.
I ., my hands started to shake.
Penny, Penny. You don?t need to say it.
I never trusted anyone so why did I want to trust him? What was I doing here wit
h him? He was married and we were holding hands in a restaurant while his family
was a hundred miles away. This was crazy. I wanted to share my humiliation with
him, to tell him the part he had played in it. What if he was angry? What if I
spoiled the whole day? What if it ruined our friendship?
I ., but I stopped again.
You don?t need to say it, he repeated.
Friends or Lovers
I made an attempt at a smile, but it was not a very convincing one.
I felt the tears fill my eyes again and I looked up at him. He gave my hands a l
ittle squeeze to keep me reassured. My whole body was rigid, tears were dripping
down my face, and I shuffled awkwardly in my seat. I had never talked like this
with anyone, not my sister, not my mother, not my father or any of my boyfriend
s. I looked up, letting the tears roll. I could not say the words. I just could
not. John got up from his seat, came around to my side of the table and pulled u
p his chair. He put his right arm around my back, and stroked my cheek with his
left hand. Through my sobs I suddenly heard the sound of my own voice.
It was awful. .as he was fucking me I started to think of you, and then I blurted
out your name.
Shit! I bet that cooled his ardour, he said with a laugh.
I laughed, with relief mostly. I laughed and suddenly I felt it was okay to carr
y on.
You bet it did. He got really mad at me. And then he left. And and
His hand was rubbing my back and it felt lovely.
I felt so alone. I?m so sorry I rang you. I can?t believe I?m telling you this. I
should not be telling you this.
Why? he asked.
Why? I said with astonishment.
Yes, why? he asked again.
Are you crazy? You?re married and I?m pouring out these feelings to you. I should
n?t be saying this.
So we?ve broken the rules. Big deal. You?re attracted to me. I?m attracted to you
. I like that it?s honest. People normally
Rory Ridley-Duff
make each other miserable because they can?t express or share the simplest feeli
ngs.
He paused.
That took courage, didn?t it?
More than you?ll ever know, I responded.
I was not sure where to go from here but it did not matter because he carried on
talking.
Somebody once said to me that there is no such thing as a non-sexual relationship
between a man and a woman. There are only sexual relationships where they agree
not to have sex.
There was a prolonged silence during which neither of us dared to ask the questi
on that was on both our minds.
I love it that you are attracted to me, he finally said.
Why? I asked with genuine curiosity.
Because my fantasies will be much more exciting now!
I laughed again. How did he make this happen? How did he take my troubles away a
t the very moment I felt more vulnerable than ever before?
I can?t believe how close I feel to you, I said.
He was quiet for a while and just rocked me in his arms. It was my turn to break
the silence.
I feel a bit better.
Thank you, he said.
He was so strange. Why was he thanking me for sobbing all over him?
What for?
For sharing this.
You are really weird, I said.
I tried Mr Normal, he interjected, but I couldn?t keep it up!
I shook my head as my smile returned.
Friends or Lovers
And thank you, I said at last.
You?re welcome, he responded.
He asked the waitress for coffee then continued.
Where are we going to find you a good man, then?
I wanted to say I?d found one, but I knew that it was not the right thing to say
.
Are there any left? I asked.
Oh, yes. So long as you know where to look.
I was about to say that I thought he must be joking, but on this occasion I let
it pass. I was not about to start another debate.
Where? I queried.
Have you looked at work? he asked.
I don?t think people react well to women in positions of authority having sexual
relationships at work.
Why on earth not? he reacted. Isn?t that why people go to work? he asked.
What do you mean?
Why is work any different from anywhere else?
It?s a place of work, surely?
Employerspeak! he laughed. If not at work, where will you find Mr Right?
His question was rhetorical. I could not think of any good prospects at work tha
t were not already in relationships and said so.
And you know that they are happy and committed?
Well no, I don?t, I answered.
Find out. Perhaps you?ve already met him? he suggested.
I can hardly ask them, I said.
You don?t need to ask. All you need to do is get the person you are interested in
talking about their life. Take an interest.
Rory Ridley-Duff
We drank the last of our coffee and I paid the bill. Then, he drove me back to m
y house and walked me to the door. In the movies we might have kissed, but I jus
t knew that we would not. At the door, he hugged me, pecked me on the cheek, the
n returned to the car and gave me a salute as he drove off.
I wanted him to come in, but I knew he needed to get back home to his family. He
?d given up a whole Saturday for me and it was important that I should not intru
de further on his time. I find it difficult to describe how I feel now. I?ve bee
n more distraught today than I can ever remember, but inside I now feel like I?m
walking on water. This is not like the butterflies of teenage love, but a tingl
ing feeling burrowing into the darkest caverns of my soul, a warmth so spiritual
that I can feel my humanity light up. He makes me want to be a better person, t
o live more, risk more, and share the best of myself. Is this, I wonder, how peo
ple feel when they first experience the deepest kind of love?
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 18
Due to a lot of demands on my time, when I got to work the weekend was purged fr
om my mind. Phil was first to update me. He had been diligently taking lunch wit
h Elona?s team and learned that a number of the men enjoyed teasing her and flir
ting with her. According to them, Elona was pretty off-hand with all of them exc
ept one. Nathan was a lad in his mid-twenties and the general consensus was that
she had a crush on him. Nathan himself was not that interested although he did
join in some of the flirting. Phil thought this was more to bond with his mates
than to pursue Elona.
They are surprised that she accused Mike. Most of his team said that he was very
gentlemanly. He was careful how he behaved and spoke around everyone, particular
ly Elona.
I was perplexed by this. It did not seem to fit. Even Mike had admitted to me th
at he?d flirted with her. I nodded for Phil to continue.
Then there?s this Nathan! Phil said.
What about him?
He was quite cagey when the others were talking. He did not volunteer anything an
d I got the feeling that the whole conversation made him uncomfortable.
D?you think I should talk to him? I asked.
Well. If you ask me, the relationship between Elona and Nathan is connected to al
l of this somehow. I don?t understand how Mike fits in maybe he got jealous or s
omething but I feel there must be a connection somewhere.
Okay. What about Mike and Sally? I enquired.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Yeah. I was right about that. He did live with her for a while. She?s one of the
people who transferred with him to the new team. Nobody is completely sure why t
hey are so close, but they did live together for a few months. But they don?t li
ve together now, he?s back with his wife. It all sounds kind of bizarre. If they
?d had an affair and split up, why would she want to keep working with him? It d
oesn?t make sense.
I was puzzled too, but there was nothing to be gained by discussing it now.
Okay. Well done. I?ll have a word with Dave. We seem to be getting closer. Perhap
s it is time for another chat with Elona. Then I?ll speak to Nathan.
I had to set this to one side for the moment. The marketing manager, Jo, had enl
isted Mike?s support to get his team some training in consumer behaviour. As I w
as up to my eye-balls helping Dave bring on board some new inventors, I was keen
to off-load this. She said that she had worked with a consultant several times
and wanted to bring him in again. I could not see any reason to object, so I sig
ned off a purchase order for 30 days consultancy and left her to get on with it.
I thought back to my weekend conversation. John had suggested I look for a partn
er at work for two reasons. Firstly, most people meet their marriage partner in
a workplace setting. Secondly, he claimed that nearly half of all married women
chose their job in order to find a partner. I told him the second one must be ru
bbish, but he provided me with a source. I promptly went to WH Smith and bought
the book. Sure enough he was right. I found the statistics both staggering and a
ppalling. In this modern age, after 40 years of gender equality, who would have
thought this? To think that hoards of women at
Friends or Lovers
work were actively looking for husbands. The thought actually annoyed me. Who, I
wondered, was searching for a husband in our workplace?
* * *
Come in Penny, said Dave.
Hi. So what needs doing today? I asked.
We need to draw up three contracts. I?ve got Clive Preston coming over from Londo
n, Brian Thwaite from Birmingham, and Claire Nunn from Glasgow.
A woman? I remarked. Rare that?
Yes. But a good find. She?s a remarkable designer and has assembled a small team
of engineers to make customised kitchenware. They manufacture through companies
in Sheffield. She?s ready for exposure and now has a large portfolio. I?m sure y
ou?d be impressed.
I?d never pictured Dave as someone with either the inclination or ability to app
reciate cutlery and kitchenware.
Careful, I commented, your wife will be asking for freebies.
He gave me an odd look. I did my best to ignore it and returned to the issue at
hand.
 Okay. Standard Terms? I asked.
For Claire and Clive yes, but Brian will be getting 25%
Is he worth it? I asked.
We?ll see in due course. We are poaching him away from his current distributor so
I had to offer a bit extra. He also wants help recruiting marketing support sta
ff and I said we?d be able to help. Sorry I didn?t ask you beforehand. Is that o
kay?
Rory Ridley-Duff
He gave me one of his hopeful looks, opened his palms and shrugged his shoulders
. He really could look quite cute at times. I made his request sound like an imp
osition, but I did not mind.
I?ll see what I can do ..
As I made to go, he touched my arm to stop me.
By the way, he added, my wife doesn?t buy stuff for the house any more.
Why?s that? I asked.
He looked hesitant.
She?s ..not well.
I?m sorry to hear that. I hope she gets better soon.
It was not often that Dave ever talked about anything outside work and it took m
e a bit by surprise. I confirmed the contract details with him one last time and
then remembered that I wanted to ask him about Mike and Sally.
There is something else, I said. I?ve been putting together a picture of our sales
manager friend and it seems that he has a mystery relationship with Sally, one o
f the local sales reps. Do you know anything about that?
Dave pondered and raised his eyebrows.
I heard they shared a flat for a while. Lots of rumours flying about, just tittle
tattle, I imagine.
Come on, Dave. Spill it, I insisted.
Well, most people just think they had a fling that they moved into a flat togethe
r and that it didn?t work out so he left.
Something in his tone suggested that he had something else to add.
And? I asked with an expectant look.
..and I don?t believe that. I used to get on well with one of Sally?s colleagues a
nd it seems that she moved in with him and
Friends or Lovers
his wife. That?s not the sort of thing that she would do if she was having an af
fair him. Unless the affair came later, of course.
Dave paused for a smirk, and then carried on.
No. I think Sally had some domestic crisis and Mike offered her a way out. Anyway
, it caused no end of problems in his marriage and Sally had to move out. Then M
ike joined her, I think. Not sure what happened after that all I know is that hi
s personal life got into a real mess for a while. I?m not a rumourmonger. What h
e does in his own time is really not our business.
He?s back with his wife now. I said.
Really? he said with surprise. Interesting. Bet Sally was pissed when he went back,
he remarked.
Apparently not, I said, They still get on well. She asked to carry on working with
him recently when he moved jobs.
Feathering two nests, you think?
I sensed that there was no love lost between Dave and Mike.
Maybe. Not sure. What is it with you and him? I enquired.
Oh. I?ve no strong feelings. I just think that whenever people let their personal
and professional lives get confused things can become very messy.
My sentiment entirely, I thought.
He should?ve left well alone, I think. He paused for a moment as pieces of the jig
saw were reassembled in his head. How does this link to Elona? he finally asked.
Not sure. Should find out soon. I?m meeting Elona in a few minutes, then Nathan.
I think we?ll get to the bottom of this soon.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Okay. Keep me posted. When you have a complete picture we can discuss how to bust
 up this secret network.
I had not realised before how similar Dave and I were in our outlook but it plea
sed me that we shared this point of view. I thanked him and returned to my depar
tment to meet Elona. With Dave?s support, I felt ready to get to the bottom of t
hings and achieve closure.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 19
Come in, come in, I said as I welcomed Elona into my office.
Do you mind if Phil sits in on this one?
Elona looked around the room and rubbed her ear. She looked unsure but answered
positively.
If you want him to stay, I guess that?s okay with me.
Thanks. He knows more about this situation than I do, so I?d like him here.
Elona shuffled in her seat and looked uncomfortable.
Can I offer you a cup of tea? I asked.
She lifted her hand to decline the offer, but I decided to ask Phil to make one
for me anyway. It would give me a moment to put Elona at her ease. As Phil left
the room, I got up from my chair and sat beside her.
Elona. There! I said, as I put my hand on her shoulder. Don?t worry. This is just a
quiet chat to establish what has been going on. Phil?s been following up on som
e of your concerns and we want to discuss a few things with you. There?s no need
to worry.
Despite my calm and sympathetic words I detected an increase in her nervousness.
She would not look at me and her hands were clasped together on her knees.
Elona. Before Phil comes back, is there anything you want to share with me privat
ely?
She glanced at me and shook her head quickly in denial.
Phil entered the room with two cups of tea and a glass of water. He put one cup
on my desk, keeping the other for himself. Although Elona had declined the tea,
she immediately
Rory Ridley-Duff
picked up the glass of water and drank half of it. As she put the glass down, sh
e summoned up a slight smile and I felt ready to begin.
Thanks for coming in again, I began, and she looked a little more relaxed. As I was
saying earlier, we are grateful that you made a complaint and raised some impor
tant issues. Phil?s talked to others in your team and they admit they behaved in
appropriately to you. I?ll be talking to them in due course.
Elona seemed to relax when I told her this.
What they say is that they flirted with you, you ignored them, and they stopped.
Would you agree with that?
Elona said nothing but nodded her agreement.
Thanks for that, I said reassuringly.
There is one thing, however.
What?s that? she asked, finally finding her voice.
I looked squarely at her.
Well, the lads in the team said that one of them, called Nathan, gave you some at
tention and that you did not seem to mind.
At the mention of Nathan?s name, Elona immediately went bright red and got extre
mely agitated.
Elona. Elona. It is alright. If you like Nathan?s attention, nobody minds.
She looked down at the table in front of her, saying nothing. I tried to calm th
e atmosphere further, but clearly this was a sensitive matter and she was deeply
embarrassed. Phil chipped in too.
Elona. Nobody is judging you, love. We just need to understand whether there is a
ny link between this and the incident with Mike? Is there?
Friends or Lovers
Elona seemed to be petrified by this suggestion and started to shake. I remember
ed that Mike said he would talk if Elona gave her permission. I tried a new tack
.
Mike mentioned that you confided some information in him. He has refused to talk
about it because he gave you his word that he wouldn?t.
At this, Elona looked up at me and her mouth dropped open. She was clearly fight
ing back tears but to my surprise she started to nod.
Yes? You did confide in Mike?
She nodded again.
Something about Nathan? Phil asked.
She nodded again.
Mike won?t speak about it without your permission. Would you give your permission
?
At this suggestion, her face went red again and her eyes filled with moisture. H
er shaking got more acute and suddenly she exploded.
No! No! No! I don?t want to talk to anyone about any of this. Leave me alone! She
got up and ran out of the room in tears. Phil got up to follow her, but I shot h
im a look that he should let her go.
Not now, I said. Let her calm down. We can always go and see her later.
Fuck! offered Phil. Some serious shit has happened to her. That?s for sure!
I felt angry that Elona was still so distressed. It fuelled my desire to find ou
t more.
Go get Nathan! I commanded Phil.
Now? he asked.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Yes! Now! I said raising my voice. Phil held up both his hands as if to hold me at
bay and quietly made his way out of the room.
My mind was spinning again. What had Nathan done to her? Had he raped her? Had s
he confided this in Mike? Had Mike done nothing? Had Mike tried to take advantag
e? Why was she later upset with Mike and not Nathan? None of this seemed to make
any sense. As I was running over all these things in my mind, Phil returned wit
h suspect in hand. I was in no mood to be pushed around any more.
Nathan. Come on in. Take a seat.
He sat down, looking as puzzled as he was concerned.
I?ve just had Elona in here and clearly something has happened between you and he
r. She is extremely distressed. Can you explain?
Nathan seemed to go completely white and started reeling in his chair.
Fuck! he said as his eyes seemed to look everywhere in the room except at Phil or
myself. But no more words came forth. I started to get angry again.
Nathan, I said. Look at me!
Nathan looked pale and distressed but finally looked me in the eye.
Tell me what happened.
What has Elona said? he asked.
Nothing. That is why I am asking you.
Nathan held my gaze and did not flinch for even a fraction of a second.
I would like to leave, please, he asked.
Friends or Lovers
Phil, who was sitting in the corner, seemed to get agitated and looked at me and
if to indicate that he should be allowed to go. That did not satisfy me, howeve
r.
Nathan, I said, Let me be completely open with you ..
I saw Nathan?s lips go tight and the whites of his teeth show.
Phil was gently moving his head from side to side to indicate no?, but my anger g
ot the better of me and I let rip.
We have a situation here. Someone in Elona?s team has made a sexual advance. She
is seriously distressed and will not talk. She confided something to Mike, but h
e will not talk either. You can either give me an account of your behaviour or I
?ll call a disciplinary hearing. You can give a full account to your line manage
r and myself. What is it to be?
I imagine that while I said this, the whites of my teeth were showing too. With
Phil in the room I felt a bit bolder.
Nathan, still calm and unflinching, gave me a look of absolute disgust. Phil, in
the corner, was looking down at the floor as if he could not bear to watch what
was happening.
 You don?t have a fucking clue, do you? Nathan started.
About what? I fired back.
A fucking clue about anything . he added.
If you use that type of language once more, I?ll suspend you here and now. Do you
understand?
I would like to leave, please, he asked again.
No! I shouted. You tell me what happened, or I will have to take this to your line
manager first thing in the morning.
Phil looked as white as a sheet. What on earth was going on here? Nathan kept lo
oking at me and was unmoved.
I would like to leave, please, he repeated without showing any anger.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Okay, you have made your choice. I would like you here at 10am tomorrow morning w
ith your line manager. You may go.
Holding my gaze, he slowly left the room with hatred burning in his eyes. I coul
d feel them pierce me right through. I was glad that Phil was in the room. Shake
n as I was, I held myself together and summoned Phil over. The situation felt li
ke it was getting out of control, but I had one more card to play.
Right. Firstly, go immediately to Nathan?s manager and inform him of the meeting
at 10am.
Phil nodded.
Is Mike still in the building?
Sorry? asked Phil, who seemed taken aback at this question.
Is Mike still in the building?
Phil looked unsure. If he?d been more experienced, perhaps he would have suggest
ed that I sleep on this, but he was too intimidated. Still looking shaken himsel
f, Phil nodded a yes?.
Okay, I want you to get Mike and bring him here immediately. Do not take no for a
n answer. Is that clear?
Phil obediently did as I asked while I made myself another cup of tea. I felt on
a roll, as if everything was coming together. Nathan must have made a pass at E
lona. Maybe she didn?t reciprocate and got upset. I imagine she tried to confide
this in Mike. Then again, what if Elona did want Nathan to make a pass? Perhaps
he seduced her, then dumped her. Whichever is true, she tried to confide in Mik
e and he tried to handle it within the team?. Idiot. What a bloody amateur. He mu
st have suggested they go out for a drink and then said something that upset her
. Whatever he said made Elona mad. This kind of
Friends or Lovers
stuff really makes my blood boil. Always the woman who gets hurt; always the man
who gets away with it.
Phil returned with Mike, who stormed into my office with an irritated look on hi
s face.
What the hell is this? I was in a meeting with my team and Phil tells me that you
have an emergency. What is so urgent it cannot wait until morning?
Sit down, Mike. It has come to light that there is a relationship problem between
Elona and Nathan and that she reported this to you. I want to know what she sai
d and how you handled it.
Mike raised his hands and grabbed his head in despair.
I told you to back off this. What on earth are you doing?
Don?t piss me around, Mike.
Phil had again retreated to the corner of the room and was looking uncomfortable
.
Okay, okay. Sit down and let?s talk about this, he said ushering me into my chair
with his open palm.
So where d?you want to start? he asked.
What?s the relationship problem between Elona and Nathan? I asked.
Have you talked to Elona? he responded.
Yes. She got so upset that she left the room in tears. She won?t talk about it.
Mike, surprisingly, seemed to slow down and take this in. He looked away as he t
hought for a moment, and then he rubbed his cheek.
 I?m not surprised, he finally said.
Why? I asked.
He looked me calmly in the eye.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Because this situation is probably the most upsetting thing that has ever happene
d to her.
Are you going to tell me about it? I asked again.
Did you ask her if she?d mind me talking? he asked.
I did and she confirmed that she had confided in you, I replied.
Did you ask her if she was okay about you talking to me? he repeated.
Yes, but she did not answer, I confessed.
They why don?t you respect her wishes? he asked.
I began to wonder who was conducting this enquiry, him or me.
There may have been a breach of the law and I have a duty of care towards her.
A duty of care! You call this a duty of care? he asked accusingly.
She?s distressed. I cannot help her unless I understand the cause of the distress
, I responded keeping my calm.
Did it ever occur to you this witch-hunt is the cause of her distress?
His words inflamed me.
How dare you! If people told me what the fuck is going on then we could sort this
mess out. I?m trying to help her. Why can?t you see that?
Oh, I can see that alright. She is of great concern to you. And what about Nathan
? What about me? Are you concerned about us too?
What? What on earth are you going on about? If looks could have killed, then Mike
would have been dead on the floor in an instant.
Friends or Lovers
I?m asking you why you only seem concerned to protect Elona?
You arrogant bastard. She is the one who is distressed and somewhere in this heap
of shit Nathan or you did something to cause that distress. You are not going t
o wriggle out of this.
And what did Nathan tell you? he asked.
I resented him asking all the questions, but I did not know how to respond.
He would not talk. He seemed to think that I don?t know what I?m talking about.
Mike gave a small laugh.
What?s so funny? I said angrily.
Because he?s right.
You think you are so fucking clever! Well, not this time. One of you is going to
answer for Elona?s distress. One of you is going to answer for what happened.
Suddenly, Mike snapped and shouted at me in a way that reverberated in the marro
w of my bones.
You stupid woman!
I was bright red with anger and started to defend myself.
You sexist bastard .. my being a woman has nothing to do with it .
Mike, however, pointed an accusing finger at me and carried on.
It?s got everything to do with it. Did it ever occur to you that it might be Elon
a who made a pass at Nathan? Did it ever occur to you that Nathan was the one re
ceiving unwanted attention? Did it ever occur to you that Elona might have made
accusations because she felt rejected and hurt? No, not for one second!
Rory Ridley-Duff
He paused for a moment and seemed to calm down. I was so shocked that I did not
know what to say. After a moment, Mike got ready to speak again. This time, his
voice was much calmer but the words cut into me and I felt a shiver run through
my body.
Tell me, Penny, he said as he fixed his gaze on me, have you ever made a pass at a
man?
Then he calmly walked out of the room.
There have only been a few occasions in my life when I have been completely lost
for words. This was one of them. It took me a full 10 minutes to calm down and
regain my composure, during which time Phil remained seated. I looked at the col
d cup of tea on my desk and gave a short laugh. What had just happened? I looked
 up at Phil and beckoned him over to my desk. He came over slowly looking as sha
ken and as shocked as me.
Sit down, I said. Tell me honestly, Phil, I asked, What d?you think of what he just s
aid?
Phil looked uncomfortable. His mouth opened several times without any words comi
ng out. He found it difficult to look at me, and his hands fidgeted on his knees
. With his eyes fixed on the desk, he eventually ventured an opinion.
Mike?s an awkward bugger, isn?t he?
I grabbed my head with both hands.
What a mess. What a total fucking mess! Call Mike and tell him that I want him ba
ck here at 10am tomorrow.
Phil looked at me and nodded slowly.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 20
When I was young, my father told me that my instincts and emotions were my great
est assets. He was an unusual man. While many people, particularly men, put grea
t stock in objectivity and science, my father was quite different. I think it wa
s his career inside the civil service that inclined him towards a political way
of thinking, including a view that science was rarely scientific. He argued that
science was always oriented towards a political goal, even if that goal was a m
odest one such as building the scientist?s reputation. As such, he had a strong
spiritual side that, if not religious, was imbued with deeply human values.
Emotion, he would say, is the key to a deeper understanding. Scientists, he argu
ed, were doing themselves a disservice when they argued that emotion had no plac
e in science. He would ask me why I enjoyed learning some things but not others.
He would ask me why I liked some people and not others. Intertwined in our deli
berations, he always pressed me to talk about the underlying reason for my inter
est in something. Together we had many conversations in which we traced my inter
est back to an emotional experience or aspiration. His words echoed in my head.
When we are interested in something, Penny, it is because it moves us emotionally
. We don?t study a subject because it is intrinsically interesting if that were
true then everybody would be interested in the same things. We study something b
ecause it is interesting to us. It is interesting to us because it is meaningful
.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Don?t you find it strange when people talk about being motivated? They talk as if
the thing that motivates them is outside themselves. So strange. Emotion is wha
t drives us! When people say we should not let emotion affect our judgement they
forget that it?s emotion that inclines us to make a judgement in the first plac
e.
Just look at what we do when we desire someone?s attention. We open our mind to t
heir views, become more willing to learn things they are interested in, more wil
ling to change our own values. We may find ourselves learning new skills, studyi
ng new things in order to impress them. Our behaviour and feelings can change dr
amatically. And the reverse! What monsters we can be when we don?t want a relati
onship. We?re at our most cruel when trying to get people out of our lives.
Despite his slightly pompous manner, my love for him grew with the conviction th
at there was wisdom in his words. My mother, on the other hand, would often walk
out of the room and leave us to it. She said my father talked twaddle about sex
. I disliked her for that she seemed to deliberately misunderstand him - and thi
s was one of the reasons she and I argued throughout my teens. To me, my father
was, and is, more humane than anyone else I?ve met.
Why does this situation with Elona and Mike make me so angry? Why does Mike rub
me up the wrong way? What is the deeper truth here? Is my past coming back to ha
unt me? My father would say that if I want to hurt someone it is because they ha
ve hurt me. Has Mike hurt me? Maybe it was the other way around. Had I hurt him
and he was now trying to get back at me? My emotions did not settle and Mike?s w
ords kept echoing in my head.
Friends or Lovers
Did it ever occur to you that Nathan was the one who was receiving unwanted atten
tion?
Had I considered this? It was an unfair question, I felt. It was only the previo
us day that I had learned there was a Nathan at all. I had no feelings about him
except as yet another person who was adding to Elona?s distress. I tossed and t
urned throughout the night and in every configuration, I could not make the piec
es fit the puzzle.
Elona would not make up an accusation like this, would she? I couldn?t buy Mike?
s view that Elona was the protagonist here. It made no sense. Whenever I met her
, she was quiet and scared. She was as introverted as any person I had ever met.
Would a person like that make a move on Nathan? I did not see how it was possib
le.
And yet, even as I had these thoughts, my emotions kept on churning. Am I reacti
ng to my own past? I can feel Elona?s hurt. I empathise with her. I may have the
veneer of confidence, but underneath I understand how it feels to be crushed by
the weight of male attention. We either buckle under the weight or kick back.
In my first year at university, I felt used by men. At first I was flattered. It
was exciting, then confusing, and finally annoying. My father helped me look at
these as learning experiences. Eventually, I committed to one lad, but later he
cheated on me and I was crushed. I fell apart and he quickly left me for someon
e else. So, I decided that I?d never again be a shrinking violet. I would have t
he men I chose, not those that chose me. I would no longer wait for a man to mak
e up my mind, I would make up my own.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Is my past affecting me now? Can I really understand her? For the first time I a
m having real doubts. Do I understand what she is going through?
I thought of Mike. Encountering him up close was disturbing me. He is a good-loo
king man. Even at his age, I can see why young women might be attracted to him.
It is quite possible that Elona likes him more than she?s saying. All the other
women seem to like Mike. He?s strong too. Both mentally and physically.
I thought of John. Maybe he could help. He might have some words of wisdom for m
e so I called him.
Hi, Penny, he said brightly as he answered the phone.
Hi, John, I replied.
As if by instinct, he immediately sensed concern in my voice.
What?s up? he asked. Are you still troubled by the weekend?
The weekend? That seemed like a lifetime ago.
Good lord, no! I laughed. As I did so, the burden of the last few hours seemed to
lift instantly.
That?s my girl he responded.
I was a bit irritated by his use of the word girl?, but I let it pass.
I just thought I?d pick your brains, if you don?t mind. That situation at work is
spiralling out of control. I find it very confusing and thought I hesitated for a
moment.
Up until this point, I had never intruded into his professional world to benefit
my own. We?d been intimate in a personal way, but never professionally. This wa
s something new. I realised that I was crossing another line and inviting a new
type of relationship.
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.I thought that maybe we could discuss it a bit more and you could guide me a bit.
I chose my words carefully. In this world, I was not an amateur, and not seeking
a fatherly opinion so much as a professional dialogue.
Sure, why not? he answered without a moment?s hesitation.
Do you remember that I mentioned someone who had been moved to a new job because
he had distressed a young woman in his department? I asked.
Yes. Sure I do. Has anything changed? he asked.
Perhaps. It seems there is another young lad involved and that she and this other
lad somehow got involved? with each other. As I said the word involved? I cringed,
but there it was tripping out of my lips before I could stop it.
Involved in what way? John enquired.
That?s not clear. She confided something to her boss about this lad, but later sh
e accused the boss of inappropriate behaviour, I said.
Hmmm! This does sound a bit more complicated than you first thought.
Yes. But the strangest thing is that the boss is now saying that she had a crush
on the lad, and that the situation was caused by her giving him too much attenti
on. How likely is that?
I asked this as a rhetorical question, but John took it literally and gave me a
most peculiar answer.
Most relationships are started by women in very subtle ways. They initiate with n
on-verbal stuff that induces the man to talk to her. It is fallacy that men alwa
ys pursue and women always resist; it is more like a ritual series of moves that
women and men make in turn. When it works everyone is happy. When it
Rory Ridley-Duff
doesn?t things can turn quite nasty, particularly if one party feels led on and
then humiliated. Most of women?s behaviours are non-verbal, most of men?s are ve
rbal at least initially.
I paused for a moment unsure what to say next.
Is that a surprise, Penny? he asked.
Well ..yes, I suppose it is. Men are always pursuing and pestering women, don?t you
think?
If that is what you believe, it will look that way. I assure you that it?s not th
e case. Men tend to think they are making the first move but often they are resp
onding to a non-verbal cue. This is true in most cultures. Women signal. Men res
pond. Women comfort their own egos by thinking they have been singled out by an
attractive man. Men comfort their own egos by thinking they?ve initiated the rel
ationship. Close observation, however, shows women select the man they want and
do everything they can to ensure he notices them so that he starts a conversatio
n. These are generalisations. There are women who take verbal initiatives but ge
nerally it is the other way around.
I was puzzled by this. I?d studied psychology and this was the opposite of what
I had learnt.
So you are saying this is only true for some people? I asked.
He started to give me to fuller explanation.
Men will respond quickly if an attractive woman signals, providing they can overc
ome their own nerves. Many won?t they?ll get scared. But, if an unattractive wom
an signals in a similar way, she may be ignored both verbally and non-verbally.
Do men signal? I asked, feeling a little more relaxed.
Successful ones do, but most don?t. Others jump in with both feet at the first op
portunity. Men who don?t pay attention to a
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woman?s signals will probably end up embarrassing themselves.
I stifled a laugh. Interesting as this was, I felt a need to direct the discussi
on.
Is it likely she made a pass at him? I asked.
Well, we are talking probabilities. I?ve never met them and different couples beh
ave differently. All I can say is that it is possible but against the norm. If s
he likes him enough, she?ll eventually make a move that he cannot ignore.
So this is unlikely? I confirmed.
I don?t know the specifics, I?m giving you behaviour patterns. Men who get a sign
al will usually proceed fairly gently at first to see whether they continue to g
et signals, such as prolonged eye contact, laughter, positive body movements and
such like. This is often unconscious, just gut feeling stuff, but people have b
een able to observe it. They?ll only carry on if they are interested, otherwise
they?ll ignore the signals. In these early exchanges, a woman?s behaviour genera
lly encourages the man to talk more, tell stories. If there is a mutual attracti
on, behaviour moves through a series of stages. They?ll exchange personal inform
ation, start sharing opinions, talk about common interests, increase their eye c
ontact, turn towards each other, start touching each other. Then you get a kind
of game that signals mutual interest. She lifts a glass, he lifts a glass, she n
ods, he nods, she links his arm, he puts it around her, she whispers in his ear,
he laughs and says something back. Not everyone agrees about the meaning of thi
s, but in the trade it is called synchronisation? or rapport building?. You?ll kno
w if this is happening in a group because a pair seem to be ignoring everyone el
se.
Rory Ridley-Duff
He paused for a second before making one final comment.
If he doesn?t respond, she?ll feel rejected and may do something to hurt his feel
ings. She?ll give him an emotional slap. Men are routinely humiliated. It is not
hing special for them, he added with a light-hearted chuckle.
No less than they deserve! I replied quickly.
There was a moment of awkward silence as I contemplated my last comment.
Only kidding! I added.
Sure, he said, but I detected a coolness in his tone.
I was still contemplating when he started to talk again.
Penny, I?m away in the Lakes this weekend, but would you like to meet up next wee
k to chat about it? You can give me specifics. I?m in Leamington next Wednesday
afternoon and all Thursday. We could meet in the morning if you are free.
I could hear an urgency in his voice. It was unlike John to cut short any conver
sation, so my defences were immediately triggered.
Errr .can you let me get my diary? I asked to buy myself a moment.
What is going on here? I wondered. I decided to ask directly.
Is there something you need to do? I asked.
He hesitated for a moment.
Um. Sort of he responded, .it will be easier to talk next week. Are you free?
I could hear other voices in the background and realised that someone in the hou
se was calling to him. It really pissed me off that someone else only had to sho
ut and he wanted to cut off our conversation.
Friends or Lovers
Let me see .. I said, making him wait a bit longer, ..ah yes ..maybe. No. No, yes! I
said, I can fit you in on Wednesday morning.
Okay, I?ll e-mail you with a time and see you then.
He rang off before saying goodbye.
I was not impressed. The conservation was not as friendly or as pleasant as I ha
d come to expect. I wondered if he resented me asking him for a professional opi
nion. I could not understand why he had been curt with me.
Still, his comments were interesting and useful. He confirmed that it was unlike
ly Elona would have made the sexual advance, but could have done so if Nathan ha
d not been responding to her. Phil told me that all the lads had flirted with he
r. If Nathan had started flirting, from what John says, it is unlikely that Elon
a would have felt any need to make an advance. No, I think I have enough here to
read the riot act to Nathan tomorrow if I don?t get answers.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 21
My sister has just called. She says she has news. Big news. I imagine that she?s
pregnant again and wants to celebrate in style. I still can?t get used to being
an aunty, but if another sprog is going to come along I guess I?ll just have to
accept it fully. Every time she does something grown up like this it makes me f
eel a little bit older.
While I wait for her to come around, I tidy up the house. There is not much to d
o. When I go around to Carole?s, it always looks like a bomb has hit it. Young T
oby, Carole?s boy, has progressed from sitting up to rolling around. She called
me a few nights ago almost wetting herself with laughter.
I just wish you could see him, she said trying to contain guffaws.
Tell me what you see . I dutifully command.
Well. He?s on his back with a rattle in his hand. Wait here he goes. Over onto his fr
ont now. Come on baby, do your stuff!
As I wait, trying to sound enthusiastic, she roars with laughter as he manages t
o shift his weight again and roll onto his back.
He?s on his back, feet in the air, cooing and laughing. This is just brill! I wis
h you could see this.
Try as I might to understand how watching a baby roll over and over can make her
 giggle like a schoolgirl, I just can?t fathom it out. Still, she?s happy and th
at?s what matters.
I tidy round the kitchen, put the few plates I?ve used in the dishwasher wonderi
ng just how lazy I can be. My windowsill is adorned with an assortment of stones
and rocks that I?ve picked up over the years, along with holders for utensils a
nd
Friends or Lovers
instruments for practising my Nigella Lawson recipes. Decadence! Just what the m
oment needs and I rustle around the cupboard seeing if I have the ingredients fo
r a calorie busting meal. Just as the boredom is banished, the front doorbell ri
ngs. I flick the switch on the kettle and amble back into the living room.
Come on in! I shout. The door?s open .
And in she walks looking groomed and beaming.
Has someone given you a happy pill? I ask
No need, she says.
I look her up and down to try to understand what is different. I cannot put my f
inger on it but something has definitely changed in her appearance.
All right you. What is it?
Keep looking, she says mysteriously.
I walk right up to her and put my hand on her stomach. It is firm and flat. Abso
lutely no sign of a baby there, I think.
Am I getting warm? I ask.
She smiles, playing with me.
Try a bit higher, she says.
I give her a puzzled look and start to move my hand upwards. Her breasts look qu
ite firm today so I cup one in each hand.
Don?t tell me you?ve had these done?
Better than that! she jokes and with one swift move she places her left hand on to
p of my right hand.
See anything now? she asks, with her smile getting wider all the time.
I look carefully, tracing a line from her shoulder to her elbow. Nothing special
there, I think. I continue tracing a line from the elbow to her hand. Her hand
is different.
Rory Ridley-Duff
As I look at the image before me, I felt something in my sides coarse up through
my body. My mouth dropped open and I barely heard myself speak as a wave of emo
tion moved through my neck and my head started to tingle.
When? was the only word that came out. I could feel the moisture start to fill my
eyes.
July 31st?
Oh, Carole! I still felt in shock. When did he ask?
Last night. He came home and told me that he?d got another promotion and had a pr
esent for me.
Some present! I shouted and suddenly the tears were there. I don?t know why I was
crying but the drops started to roll down my face as I grabbed her with both my
arms and squeezed her as if my life depended on it.
Be my best woman?? she asked.
I took a step back and held both her arms, one with each hand.
Your what?
My best woman?. I want a best woman?!
I just looked at her unsure what to say. What do you say when your younger siste
r displays a dazzling engagement ring and asks you to be her best woman?? I pulle
d her to me and held her tight. The tears just kept rolling down my cheeks.
Careful sis?, she gasped, I want to make it to the alter without crushed ribs.
I don?t know what to say. How many women have ever been asked that question?
?Yes? will do nicely.
I just closed my eyes and nodded. It is so hard to describe how I?m feeling. It
isn?t happiness. It is, of course, what she has been dreaming of for the last fe
w years, but now the moment is
Friends or Lovers
here, I feel worried, ecstatic, concerned, shocked every emotion I have in me ju
st crashes down and I feel giddy with the intensity of it all.
Of course. Of course, I manage to get out before I completely give the game away.
Sis?? Are you alright?
I feel a bit woozy ..
And then it happened. I can?t explain why. My legs just gave way as if they simp
ly could not hold me up any more, and I tumbled onto the floor and nearly hit my
head on the table. For a few moments, I can?t get up.
Jeez sis?, says Carole almost falling to the floor with me, What?s happened?
You think I know? I ask.
Here. Put your arm around me!
She levers me towards the sofa and finally I think I can make it to my feet.
I never thought of you as heavy! she joked as she hauls me up. If I knew my news wo
uld have this effect on you, I would have got you to sit down first .!
Instead of feeling wild with excitement and happiness, I feel cold and sweaty, l
ike the room is spinning. My little sister is getting married. My little sister.
My little sister is getting married. I am pleased for her, but I realise that I
did not expect to feel like this. I did not expect her to marry before me. When
we were young, we would play weddings? and I was always the bride and she the br
idesmaid. We would write all the words of the ceremony out and act the whole thi
ng for hours and hours. We never took it in turns, she was always the bridesmaid
and I was the bride.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I looked up at her and felt ashamed. This should be one the happiest moments in
our life. My little sister is getting married, and yet I feel totally hollow ins
ide, totally useless, totally alone, totally old. How can I feel like this? I bu
ry my head in my hands as more tears emerge. How can I possibly tell her?
Whatever she was expecting it was not this, but she took it in her stride. It pa
ins me to say it, but she is the mature one, not me. I feel like taking a dagger
and stabbing myself for not thinking of her, for not thinking of how happy she
must be feeling, not being able to feel the excitement she feels. But the truth
is that my little sister?s announcement makes me realise that I have not grown u
p yet. She is not my little sister any more. She is my big sister.
Right! I shout, down the pub we go, get smashed, talk dirty and then .you tell me exac
tly what is expected of a best woman? ..
That?s simple! she says without a moment?s hesitation. You make us all laugh with a
funny speech and then you get drunk and try to shag the best man?!
My moment of despair is over as quickly as it started. When I hear her wicked su
ggestion the grin returns to my face. A few seconds later, my lips part and my t
eeth are showing. I playfully punch her on the arm.
Okay! Okay! I say, my confidence returning. As I go to get my coat, I quickly turn
and give her a sly look. I think I can manage that.
Okay sis? lead the way! and with that remark we went to the pub, drank all evening
, got thrown out when we started to sing rude songs and staggered back to my pla
ce.
We flopped on my bed in fits of giggles.
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Do ..do you .. Laced with liquor, my words just will not come out properly.
I do! she shouts hysterically.
No. No. No! I exclaim. Stop a moment. Be serious! I demand as we lie there trying no
t to giggle.
Do you want to hear something funny? Do you want to know what I thought?
Thought about what? Carole asks.
Thought your big news? was going to be .
Tell me! she asks.
I thought you were going to say that you were pregnant again, I laugh.
Carole dissolves into fits of giggles and starts kicking her feet in the air.
Do you want to hear something funny? she retorts busting her sides and unable to c
ontain her hilarity.
Yeah, come on! Spill it to sis? I tell her.
 I am! she says. It?s due in November and her name is going to be Penny Anne after y
ou and mum!
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 22
My plans for Elona were thwarted the next morning. Nathan phoned in sick. I call
ed Mike?s department and his colleague said that he had also not arrived at work
yet. I switched on my PC and opened the personnel database system and searched
for their details.
I called Nathan first and heard an answer phone message. I left a message asking
him to call me. Next I called Mike?s home number and a woman replied.
Leamington 397333. Can I help you?
Hello. Is Mike there? I asked.
Can I ask who is calling?
My name is Penny I?m the Head of Personnel at IC, I answered.
Hang on a minute, I?ll see if he?s still here. I think he?s already gone.
There was a long pause and in the distance I thought I could hear some voices. E
ventually, the woman returned to the phone.
Hello? she said.
I?m still here, I replied.
He?s already gone to work. Can I take a message?
I thought for a moment because the issue was sensitive.
It?s nothing really. We had a disciplinary meeting this morning but Mike?s not tu
rned up for work. We?ll have to rearrange. Can you get him to call me?
Sure, she said, if I see him before you do.
The tone in her voice was strange, almost mocking, but I thanked her and spent a
few moments considering what to do next. I had a full schedule until the end of
the following week. I
Friends or Lovers
really wanted this resolved now and did not want it to drag on. I called Phil in
to my office and asked him to check later that day whether Nathan or Mike made i
t into work. We found a slot free at 3pm the following Wednesday week I would me
et them after I?d had lunch with John. Phil agreed to inform all the parties con
cerned.
I retrieved my e-mails and my mood improved when I received a note.
Hi sexy,
Just to let you know that I ll be arriving in Leamington about 10.30am. I m stopping
overnight with friends so we could either have our meeting late morning or make
an evening of it. Will it damage your street cred if you are seen out on the to
wn with an oldie like me?
I was glad that his sense of humour had returned, and I felt my emotions stir a
bit when I read his greeting. I checked my diary and found that I had to go to a
n evening event with Dave a launch event for a new product. I was to chaperone t
he young entrepreneur who would be speaking while Dave was acting as host. With
a tinge of regret I declined John?s offer of an evening meal.
Hi John,
Still trying to corrupt my sweet innocence? Naughty, naughty. I d love to be seen
with you, but it will have to be in the morning as we arranged although a lazy l
unch is possible, if you prefer. I ll save the silky black dress for another occas
ion (!!) you ll just have to admire my power suit instead.
Penny xx
I read over the message again. Was I being too flirty? Hell, this was John and fl
irt was his middle name so I hit the [Send]
Rory Ridley-Duff
button without further ado. Fewer than five minutes had passed before I received
his response.
Penny,
Lazy lunch it is. We can compare power suits. If my meeting goes well in the aft
ernoon then I ll be in Leamington quite a lot over the next 2 months and you can i
mpress me with your silky attire ?. Meet you at 12.30pm at Bella Marie?
John xx
I loved flirting with him. He still had a way of making me feel special. I confi
rmed the time and place of our next lunch date and allowed myself a few minutes
to bask in the warmth of feeling attractive and desirable. The issues with Natha
n and Mike slipped from my mind as I contemplated the prospect of spending more
time with John. I finished going through my e-mails and the last one was from Da
ve about the evening event.
Subject: Launch Event
Pen,
Just finalising stuff for Wednesday. Are you able to meet me in the morning so t
hat I can try out my presentation on you? Also, just been going through some Pro
fessional Development stuff. Both you and I need to consider this before our app
raisal in July. Do you know of any CIPD events coming up that we could attend to
catch up on the latest issues?
Dave
I confirmed that I could meet him and asked Phil to call the Chartered Institute
of Personnel Development to find out any events that would be running in Birmin
gham in the near future. He found an afternoon event with an optional evening di
nner. It would run on 30th June and covered the latest legislative changes in ou
r field. The evening event had two guest speakers
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scheduled one giving a talk on entrepreneurial behaviour and the other called Int
imacy at Work . Given what was going on, the second of these really caught my atte
ntion. For those attending the evening event, there was an option to stay overni
ght in the hotel. I thought Dave would enjoy the first talk so I asked Phil to l
iase with him and book the overnight option for both of us. Thankfully the day e
nded without further incident.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 23
On the Monday morning, I got into work early and resumed work on the contracts f
or Dave. Around 9am, the phone rang.
Phil, I shouted, could you get that for me?
He picked up the receiver and redirected the call to his own phone. A few moment
s later I could hear him conversing in a slightly agitated way.
I?m afraid she?s no she?s ..she?s busy at the moment. Can you ?
It sounded as though someone was not letting him get a word in edgeways. I mouth
ed to him who is it?? but he shrugged his shoulders to indicate that he didn?t kn
ow.
Please hang on a moment, sir! I?ll see if I can find her, and with these words he
pulled the handset from his ear and gave it a harsh look.
Who is it? I asked out loud.
It?s a man for you. Called John. He insists he must talk to you.
I smiled because it was unusual for him to call me. He may be bold by e-mail but
he rarely initiated phone conversations.
It?s okay, Phil, I say. He?s a friend.
Well he doesn?t sound very friendly to me, Phil said as he diverted the call to my
phone.
I picked up the receiver.
Hi, John. Is everything okay? I asked.
Wednesday. Can you meet any earlier? he asked without seeming to pause for breath.
And a good morning? to you too, John! I pointed out.
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Sorry Penny! Good morning? to you. Can you meet any earlier on Wednesday? he repeat
ed.
Well, a bit I could bring it forward to 11.30 if that helps.
Yes. That?s good. Okay. I?ll see you at 11.30.
Hang on, hang on! I say, trying to slow him down. What is this all about?
Can?t say, Penny, not on the phone. I?ll tell you Wednesday. We need to talk.
That sounds fairly ominous! What do we need to talk? about? I said in an attempt to
mock him slightly and lighten the mood.
Can?t say, Penny, not on the phone, he repeated.
 Why not? The heavens haven?t fallen down over the weekend have they? My sister?s
wedding hasn?t suddenly been cancelled, has it?
He completely ignored this piece of news and carried on.
It?s better to talk in person.
John? Has something happened to you?
I could feel concern creeping into my being. It was unlike John to sound so agit
ated.
No! Not me.
Your wife?
Penny. I don?t want to talk on the phone. I?ll meet you at 11.30 we can talk over
a coffee before lunch. Try not to worry.
With that last comment, he rang off. Whenever anybody says try not to worry it is
sure to make you worry even more. He did not answer my question about his wife a
nd I wondered whether something might have happened between them. But
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then I remembered that he said it was nothing to do with him. What then?
Did he say anything to you? I asked Phil.
About what?
Did he say what he wanted to talk about?
No. He was just very insistent that he talk to you immediately. Very pushy guy, i
f you ask me.
I thought for a moment.
Yeah. He?s a pushy guy alright. In my head I added a few extra words that Phil did
not hear. That?s what I love about him.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 24
I took the contracts around to Dave?s office and he ran through his presentation
. I took notes and stopped him after each section to give him feedback. He ran t
hrough the section again until I gave him a thumbs up and we continued this proc
ess until late morning. We don?t do many major product launches so Dave was putt
ing in extra effort. His belief in this entrepreneur and his innovations was hig
h so he was making a career gamble by investing in a lavish public relations eve
nt. After working through the contracts, we agreed a few minor changes for his a
fternoon meeting.
Do you have to rush off? he asked.
No. Something on your mind? I enquired.
Dave is rarely hesitant, and for him to pause for any length of time before givi
ng an answer was quite strange.
Yeeaah! he finally said slowly.
Well, come on then. Tell aunty Penny . I was beginning to get used to the idea that
I was going to be an aunty twice over.
Do you remember I said my wife was ill?
I vaguely recollected him saying something, but I responded with more confidence
than I felt.
Of course! Is she not better?
Dave did not show any emotion. It was almost like he was a blank, looking straig
ht into my eyes in a way that I?d never seen before. He licked his lips and I co
uld tell that he was slightly nervous so I walked up to him and touched his arm.
Come on, Dave. If there?s something, you can tell me!
Rory Ridley-Duff
He looked into my eyes again. There was fear in them. I had never seen him like
this before. He licked his lips again. Finally, he spoke.
She?s dying!
This news had a deep and lasting impact on me. I held his left arm in my right h
and and then placed my left hand on his shoulder. He didn?t say anything either,
just tilted his head until it rested on my hand and closed his eyes. He was in
pain and I let go of his arms and put my hand on his cheek and stroked it.
Have you told anyone?
No. You?re the first person I?ve told.
I?d worked with Dave for 10 months and this was by far the most human moment tha
t we had shared.
Family? Have you told them?
I?ll do that later today. She?s not been well for a while, and she?s been back an
d forth to the doctor. I took her into hospital this weekend because her headach
es were so painful that she could not sleep. They?ve done a scan and found a tum
our. It?s advanced. They don?t think she?ll survive more than a few months.
Oh Dave! I?m so sorry. Come here.
I put his head on my shoulder and my arms around him. Dave had a lot of energy b
ut deep down he was a gentle soul. As I held him I could feel his heart breaking
and the gentle movement of someone crying. We stood there for many minutes befo
re he slowly pulled away and without looking at me said thank you . He turned slowl
y and left the room.
Sometimes you work with a person for a while and simply do not realise the bonds
that are forming. I was sad for the rest of the day, and in the evening when I
was on my own I felt acutely
Friends or Lovers
distressed. Deep down a pain formed inside me that actually hurt. My friend Dave
should not have to bear this so young. It was unnatural, cruel and so unfair. H
e was a bit older than me, but not by much. I found myself struggling to get to
sleep as the silent anger I felt kept me awake. There was no God if this could h
appen. I had not realised I cared about him and it came as a surprise. As I lay
there - thinking of him sitting with his wife at the hospital - I decided he nee
ded a friend. He needed someone to care about him. It was my time, my moment to
face someone else?s pain and not shrink from the thankless task of helping him t
hrough it.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 25
When Wednesday came, I had no idea what was in store for me. I had taken extra c
are getting dressed because I wanted to look good for my lunch date with John. I
n the afternoon, I was due to meet Mike and Nathan for a showdown. In the evenin
g was Dave?s product launch.
I strode into work feeling smart and confident. When Phil saw me, he raised his
eyebrows.
Doing something special today? he asked.
Got the launch event tonight and have no time to go home, I lied. But it was a goo
d lie, I thought.
That young entrepreneur will think he?s died and gone to heaven!
For Phil to pay me a compliment was so unexpected that I actually stopped in my
tracks. I looked at him with new eyes.
That?s very sweet of you, I said, smiling.
He looked a little embarrassed, as if he had said more than he meant to, but wit
h a small shuffle of his feet and with his eyes slightly lowered, a few words ca
me out.
You?re welcome, he said sheepishly.
I was surprised at how flattered I felt. He was a good-looking lad, too young fo
r me, but for a moment I looked at him in a lustful way.
I got myself a cup of coffee and went through my e-mails.
Hi Penny,
Is there any background information you can bring on that personnel problem you
have got? May help us find out what is going on.
See you soon, John
Friends or Lovers
Even if I had wanted to, I couldn?t take anything with me. The information was c
onfidential. If I hired him, it would be different, but I responded by saying th
at the Data Protection Act prevented me sharing confidential records. We would h
ave to discuss the issues as a series of hypothetical situations.
Next, there was an e-mail from Dave.
Subject: CIPD
Pen,
Thanks for booking the CIPD thing. I just don t feel like a big social evening aft
erwards. After the speeches, would you like a drink?
Not the most difficult executive decision I have ever had to make. A swift respo
nse winged its way back through the IT network.
Dave,
That would be lovely. I look forward to it.
The other e-mails were either trivial or junk. By the time I?d waded through the
m, the time for Dave?s presentation approached. I took Phil with me, a reward fo
r his earlier flattery, and we both settled into the company?s small lecture the
atre. It was quite a showpiece, complete with visuals and sound. As he stood the
re in a new suit and tie, hair cut and groomed, his voice confidently outlined t
he magnificent benefits of tomorrow?s personal health gadgetry. I thought he cut
a fine figure. He was impressive and looked cute.
You?ll go down a treat, I reassured him. The preparation was worth it.
Are you sure? Are you really sure? he hurriedly asked. You don?t think that final v
ideo is slightly overlong or overdone?
I put my hand on his arm and reassured him.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Slicker than a New Labour political broadcast, but much less spin.
He just beamed. As he was a dedicated New Labour supporter, he took this as a bi
g compliment, even though I didn?t intend it that way. The materials were fine,
I thought, but it was Dave who gave them charm and wit.
Thanks, Pen, he said. See you tonight when the madness has died down.
This was going to be a very long day.
* * *
John was slightly late. We arrived at Bella Marie around 11.50 and settled down
for lunch. He was pleased to see me but carried a grave look that I?d not seen b
efore. He was dressed in a dark deep blue suit. It was the first time I?d seen h
im wear a tie. He was well groomed and I quickly realised that I preferred him i
n casual attire. John the businessman? just didn?t seem quite right.
His behaviour was different as well and I initially attributed this to his meeti
ng in the afternoon. He would be nervous, I felt. When we chatted on the phone y
esterday, he said that this was one of the best contracts he had been offered an
d it would bring him about £30k for little more than a month?s work. He intended t
o use the money to support his writing for several months.
We settled down at the table, ordered drinks and looked at the menu. The banter
I expected didn?t materialise so I probed him to see if anything was up.
Nervous about this afternoon? I asked.
Friends or Lovers
A bit. Not too bad. I know the person contracting the work. We?ve worked together
several times so I think today?s a formality. There are others to convince, how
ever, so I thought I?d dress the part.
If it was not his interview then why was his behaviour so different? I was puzzl
ed and tried a bit of flattery.
You look the part. Very smart you?ll knock them dead.
I looked at him directly as I said this, but his gaze remained firmly on the men
u. He momentarily looked up and tried to smile, but he averted his eyes quickly.
I started to feel that something had changed between us but was at a loss to un
derstand why.
John. You said we had to talk. No point beating about the bush. What?s on your mi
nd?
He looked up, slightly relieved. As he settled back in his chair, his gaze start
ed to focus on me properly.
Tell me about Mike . he requested.
Our hypothetical Mike! I answered. John nodded and set himself in a listening pose
.
He?s one of our sales staff, 50-ish, married, personable and popular. I can see t
hat he?s good looking, and women would fall for him, but I?m not sure why. Somet
imes he gives me the creeps.
John intervened at that point.
Not sure why? Can you expand on that?
 Well, he?s good at his job. My boss Dave is suspicious of him. I find him a bit ol
d school?, you know, patronizing. I feel he looks down on me sometimes. We had q
uite a row last week. He called me a stupid woman?. I called him a sexist pig!
Rory Ridley-Duff
John nodded, and his demeanour was attentive and serious, encouraging me to cont
inue.
Someone complained that he was hassling a colleague for a drink. It looked open a
nd shut initially. I moved him to a new position. He took some of his staff with
him, women mostly, and I thought that?d be the end of it.
So what?s changed? John asked.
Well, my boss wanted me to find out more. I asked my assistant to keep his ear to
the ground. He found that men in the department had been flirting with her. The
re was one lad in particular that seemed to take a fancy. That?s where the stori
es conflict. The young woman won?t say what happened. The young lad won?t co-ope
rate, either. Mike, their former boss, says the young woman confided in him but
he won?t talk unless she consents. Now he?s implied she might have been pursuing
the young man, not the other way around. But I know her. She lives at home. She
?s engaged to be married. There?s a meeting this afternoon. I intend to crack so
me heads.
John nodded, looking very thoughtful.
What do you think? he asked.
My instinct tells me that the lads went too far, and one in particular got quite
keen. He made a pass and she rejected him. She was sufficiently upset to confide
in her boss. He gave her support, they got close, he invited her for a drink an
d perhaps she misunderstood or maybe he was making his own play - she got upset
again and now she won?t talk. The boss is pissed off with everyone because he go
t landed with the blame for a situation not originally of his own making. I don?
t buy his story, however, because he?s got a reputation as a womaniser. He has a
history.
Friends or Lovers
John kept nodding. I had never seen him this intense and studious before.
Shall I try another interpretation for you? he asked.
I was slightly taken aback. I was not looking for another interpretation.
Err. Okay. I said hesitantly. John started to talk.
The young woman tell you what, let?s call her Elena she?s quiet, fairly pretty, a
nd has a job as administrator to a department that has quite a few young men. In
her previous job she worked with women so this is a change for her. She starts
to receive more sexual attention. She?s inexperienced with men, a bit embarrasse
d, but likes one of them. Let?s call him Nath, shall we?
Hold on! I said. Where are you getting these names from?
This is a hypothetical example, Penny, right?
This was too coincidental, but I nodded to indicate he should carry on.
Okay. Nath thinks she?s a bit of alright and joins in the flirting at first. But
then he realises that her boyfriend is an old school friend. His mate is crazy a
bout Elena, wants to marry her, but he sees her flirting with a whole group of l
ads. So he backs off. Elena is not put off and actually starts to single out Nat
h himself. She?s confused. He backs off some more. She confides in her boss. We?
ll call her boss Mick, shall we?
You know these people. Explain! I commanded.
Penny, if I tell you the source of my information then I?ll be involved and could
be dragged into the process. If things go badly, I could be called as a witness
to a tribunal. Regardless, I want to help. Let me pretend this is a hypothetica
l case. You use the information as you see fit.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I was angry. He seemed to have more information than I did.
D?you want me to continue? he asked.
I struggled to keep my emotions in check. When I felt in control again, I nodded
.
Her boss has a reputation for being sympathetic to his staff. He?s been known to
intervene personally sometimes and help people out when their personal lives are
 troubled. Mick listens to Elena and realises she?s in a difficult situation. Na
th then tells his old school friend that Elena came onto him and was flirting wi
th all her work colleagues. Her boyfriend reacts badly. He storms around and tel
ls her the wedding is off. Her parents are furious. Every day she goes home they
argue with her and tell her she?s ruined everything. She becomes desperate to l
eave home.
It was my turn to start nodding. I did not know where he was getting this inform
ation but suddenly things started to make more sense. He continued the story.
Mick?s known for his kindness. Once he helped a work colleague suffering abuse. H
e?d risked his own marriage to get her out. He put her up at his home until she
found a new home.
As these words came out, I could feel the shock rise through me as I realised wh
ere all this was coming from. John knew Mike. I?d never told John exactly where
I worked. He never asked. It never seemed relevant. Pin-pricks shuddered all the
way through me. For a moment, I reeled, completely bewildered. Luckily, the wai
tress brought the drinks and asked for our order. Having recovered my composure,
I asked John questions.
What happened to .Mick? I asked.
Friends or Lovers
The situation got so bad that Mick?s wife gave him an ultimatum. Either the work
colleague leaves or the marriage is over. Mick gave in, on the condition that he
be allowed to help her find a place to live. He hoped that would be the end, bu
t later his wife learned that he?d given money to buy furniture. Mick?s wife fel
t betrayed. She kicked him out. With nowhere else to go ..Mick .moved into a flat wi
th his work colleague. They became extremely close but were never lovers. After
a few months of Mick calling his wife every day, she finally relented and let hi
m go back home. There was a condition, however, that he never bring another woma
n into their home. Mick agreed.
I felt I knew where the story was heading and my sense of dread started to incre
ase. My head dropped and my eyes fixed on the table as John continued talking.
Elena wanted Mick to let her have his spare room. Mick was sympathetic, said that
he would help her, but could not let her move into his house or give her any mo
ney. Elena was angry because she?d heard how Mick had helped someone else. Elena
told him private details about her life and now felt abandoned. In a rage, she
goes around to Nath?s house and tells him what he?s done. Nath tells her to piss
off?. She goes into work the next day and is angry, not with Nath, but with Mick
and shouts at him for not helping her. She tries again to persuade Mick to take
her in, but he refuses. She won?t calm down so Mick tries to persuade her to le
ave the building and continue the conversation at a local pub for a drink. She r
esists so he takes hold of her by the arm and makes her leave. Someone walking p
ast stops to watch and immediately reports the scene to their manager.
Rory Ridley-Duff
My head just hung there as I looked down at the table. I did not speak for sever
al minutes.
What a total fucking mess!
John was silent so I looked up at him feeling completely at a loss.
It gets worse, Penny.
Worse? How could it get worse?
You may want a stiff drink. Are you ready?
I need a stiff drink now! I said trying to lighten the mood but John?s face was im
placable. There was more to come and I had to hear it.
There is another hypothetical character, let?s call her Pen.
At the mention of this name, another shock wave went through me and I became rig
id with fear.
Mick, because of the past, did not tell his wife why he had recently changed job.
He was concerned that his wife would pre-judge the situation and end the marria
ge. So, he told a half-truth, that the new job was a promotion rather than a con
venient solution to an accusation of sexual harassment. However, one day, Pen ca
lls his house announcing herself as the Head of Human Resources and that Mick sh
ould be in a disciplinary meeting. His wife?s curiosity is fired and she relentl
essly asks questions until Mick tells her the whole story.
Well, in some ways I?m relieved, I said.
She threw him out again, said John.
She did what? I said. Why the hell did she do that?
At the moment he?s staying at a hotel with a friend.
No prizes for guessing who the friend? is, I thought.
He?s been to a solicitor. She feels the problem lies with the way Pen handled the
original complaint, a clear case of sex
Friends or Lovers
discrimination and failure to observe natural justice principles now enshrined i
n law. There is also the issue of the call to his home. The solicitor takes the
view that Pen has not fulfilled her duty of care to all the parties concerned.
My body froze a second time, and my eyes dropped as I let John finish.
Today he?s going to bring his solicitor.
He can?t do that! I interject.
He and his solicitor have checked the employment contract. It says he can bring a
friend if there is a disciplinary hearing. There?s nothing to say whether the f
riend must be a work colleague or not. The solicitor is coming as a friend. At l
east, that is the story he will stick to if challenged.
Is that true? I ask.
It is. She?s been a friend since his university days.
I was silent.
Fucking mess was about right, I think, Penny! said John.
I did not know how to feel. Could I really have got everything so wrong?
Well, that?s one way of looking at things, I commented sardonically.
Penny! John exclaimed.
Suddenly, I lost my appetite. My head was spinning while I tried to work out wha
t to do.
Why are you telling me? I asked in a slightly accusing way.
Because I couldn?t let you go into your meeting later today completely unprepared
.
I felt attacked from all sides and my defences started to bristle.
How noble of you! I retorted.
Rory Ridley-Duff
M .Mick .has been a life-long friend of mine. He led my scouts group when I was a kid
. I?ve not known a kinder more honest man in my entire life. He doesn?t know tha
t I know you. If he did, or knew I?m telling you this, he might terminate our fr
iendship.
So it?s all lads altogether is it?
I didn?t know where these words were coming from, but part of me sensed that I h
ad to get out of the restaurant and find Dave. I needed to talk to the legal dep
artment of the company before the meeting. Panic overwhelmed me. This could be t
he end of my career. What was I to do?
Where did that come from? he demanded.
Just let me think a moment, this is all too much, I snapped.
Penny, I care about you. This is serious.
Yes. This is serious. It?s going to come down on my fucking head not yours.
I was getting more and more defensive and angry.
Don?t be like that. I?m trying to help. I don?t want to lose your friendship, but
this could come between us if Mike asks me to testify.
Why on earth would he do that? This is nothing to do with you.
Penny, this is my field. I act as an expert witness at tribunals.
How? Why? You know nothing about this case, really, you are just telling one side
of the story.
I try not to take sides, just give a professional opinion.
You what? You?re saying you might testify against me?
Penny! He?s been a friend all my life. He?s been like a father to me. He?ll ask f
or my help and I will give it to him.
Friends or Lovers
You are going to testify against me, aren?t you?
 Not if we can find another way.
Another way? Is there another way? You said he?ll have a solicitor with him this
afternoon ..
There is a way out. You?ll have to grab it with both hands this afternoon.
Well, I?m fresh out of ideas. Amuse me.
I wished that I could stop myself being sarcastic and argumentative but I was sh
aking from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I felt like I was being dr
iven by something outside myself. At the moment I was not in control, just exist
ing from second to second, hoping somehow I would disappear down a hole in the g
round and this would all go away.
You must listen this afternoon. Don?t say anything, just listen. Listen to the st
ory the way it is told by the other parties. Make notes, lots of notes. Do whate
ver you have to do to get the company to offer mediation to all the parties invo
lved. Help him with his domestic situation until the mediation is complete. Don?
t admit liability, but acknowledge the points of view of the other parties.
I don?t know if I can do that, I said weakly.
If you don?t, this is going to end up in a court of law.
I?ll have to involve the company lawyers ..
No! You mustn?t do that, he shouted. The moment you talk to them, they?ll call your
insurers and the insurers will instruct you to have no further contact. If you
contact Mike after talking to your insurers, the insurers will not cover your em
ployer for any losses. You and the company will be completely exposed. You have
to mediate. Once you talk to
Rory Ridley-Duff
your legal team it will be out of your hands and will go to court.
I can?t handle this, John. This is too big for me. Anyway, why should I take your
advice? I hardly know you.
He looked hurt at my words but composed himself.
Penny, he said firmly. Once a formal process starts it?s almost impossible to stop.
I wanted to talk to Dave. For all I knew, John was doing this to save Mike, to p
rotect him. My responsibility was to the company. Not John. Not Mike. I had to p
rotect the company?s interests. John was not put off and continued his attempts
to persuade me.
Penny, please listen. Please. You are personally at risk from prosecution.
I bloody know that. Do you think you get to my position and not know stuff like t
hat?
I resented him treating me like an idiot.
And if I don t tell the legal team, then I could lose my job as well. Do you apprec
iate that, John?
My fiery response took him back a bit and he regrouped.
There are risks. But do you think they?ll protect you? They might get you through
the court case, but what then? What of your future career?
Oh God! I don?t know!
Privately, I did. There was little chance I would survive after such a misjudgem
ent.
What if you can mediate? he insisted. What if you can get Mike and his wife back to
gether?
The pretence that we were talking about hypothetical characters had completely v
anished. This was as real as it gets.
Friends or Lovers
I can?t authorise that on my own. At the very least, I?d need Dave?s support.
Would he help?
I couldn?t do this without him. We?re close. I can?t keep this from him.
Would he help?
I see him later tonight. I can run it past him. I don?t think he?ll like this.
The waitress brought our food and asked if we?d like any more drinks. I looked a
t the meal in front of me. In any other circumstances it would have looked beaut
iful and tasted delicious, but I picked at it intermittently. I felt sick.
I?m sorry for getting angry, I said.
It?s okay. How could you know?
Indeed, how could I know? There was so much that I?d not been told. John continu
ed.
We can only see what we look for. It?s a kind of blindness, he said.
It sounded like he was criticising my judgement.
What do you mean? I asked sharply.
What? he reacted, sensing immediately he had irked me. I mean that you were looking
at the situation the way the vast majority of people look at such situations. W
e assume men pursue women, and that women spend most of their time resisting men
.
Don?t stereotype me. I wasn?t blind to this! I said with some irritation.
No more than anyone else, he said in a slightly frosty way.
And you?re the big shot who thinks he knows? I said sarcastically.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I?m sorry. I didn?t mean to sound critical. It?s a common problem. Unless you und
erstand that both men and women are initiating and responding in different ways
it is easy to presume the man is doing all the initiating and is always to blame
.
Stop talking like a fucking academic
I wished I could stop myself behaving in such an angry way, but it just kept pou
ring out of me.
Sorry. I?m sure you are very knowledgeable.
I simmered for a few minutes and ate my food. John ventured a question.
Who is protecting the men, Penny?
What? I responded. I remembered Mike saying something similar during our earlier a
rgument.
Women aren?t weak, he said. You know that.
I looked at him coolly.
Equality means protecting both sexes, he said looking me firmly in the eye.
I nodded.
As one of my friends told me a few years ago if you think women are weak, try divo
rcing one!?
John. You are so fucking pompous!
He smiled.
You are not the first person to say that, he laughed.
Good! I added.
But this is my field! he responded.
Bugger off! was all I could say.
He laughed again and I found that I could not sustain my anger with him. I start
ed to realise that I was being deeply unfair to him. As the remorse grew, I look
ed at him.
Sorry, I said with as much conviction as I could muster.
Friends or Lovers
Right now I had a plateful of food and an attractive man sitting opposite. I was
not going to waste either a moment longer.
Shall we enjoy the rest of our meal? I continued, offering a conciliatory smile.
When he saw this, his own smile broadened and I realised how tense he had been t
hroughout. As his body relaxed, I considered what an ordeal this must have been
for him. Hearing this story from Mike, and then deciding to tell me over lunch,
must have been difficult for him. It would have been much easier for ignore it,
or cry off the lunch date and avoid me.
We chatted away, about nothing in particular, for the next hour. As we departed,
he reiterated that the situation could go pear shaped if the legal teams got in
volved. I acknowledged what he was saying but said that I still didn?t see how I
could avoid discussing this internally. I had to protect myself, not just the o
ther parties. As I left the restaurant, it was this last point that occupied my
mind. How was I going to protect myself while finding a way to resolve the situa
tion?
We said our goodbyes outside the restaurant and agreed to call each other the fo
llowing evening. I saw real concern in his eyes, and for the first time I saw hi
m more as a friend than a potential lover. Parting turned out to be quite diffic
ult. We stood there chatting for a bit then going silent then chatting some more
. Neither of us wanted to walk away. Eventually, he said come here and guided by a
n external force I stepped forward and fell into his arms. He hugged me for a wh
ole minute and I just clung on for as long as I could. Sometimes words are so in
adequate and unnecessary. Touching says everything that needs to be said. I gues
s John must have felt the same way.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 26
By the time I returned to work all my doubts and dilemmas had returned. I felt s
o torn about what to do that I went to the staff canteen for another coffee. Oth
ers could see I was troubled and avoided me. I thought about visiting the legal
department to spill all this out, but John?s caution made me pause at least for
now. Another part of me wanted to find Dave and have a heart to heart but he was
preoccupied with the product launch.
Another thing that consumed me was how I felt about myself. I was ashamed. If I
had got things completely wrong then I was responsible for a great deal of miser
y. Elona?s distress, and that of Nathan, Mike and his wife, even John these all
beat a path to my door. And yet, how could I have known? Was I being too hard on
myself? Nobody would explain. Nobody would talk. How could I have known? So, I
sat there both angry at myself and at others. In the end, I decided to follow so
me of John?s advice. I hatched a plan.
* * *
Hi Phil, I said as I returned to my office. I need to discuss things with you befor
e we go into the meeting.
He looked as apprehensive as I felt, and my invitation to discuss things did not
hing to reduce his unease.
Come into my office for a chat.
At this suggestion, his apprehension seemed to progress to outright fear but he
obediently followed me.
Can you close the door? I asked, and he duly obliged.
Friends or Lovers
I had gathered my thoughts and knew how I wanted to play this. Phil was my first
port of call for a good reason. I took a deep breath and made a start.
I?ve been thinking a lot about Mike?s outburst.
I paused for a moment to see if Phil would say anything, but his eyes remained f
ixed and expressionless.
What if he?s right?
At this suggestion, Phil?s lips parted and his rigid body began to move and come
alive. His hands, both of which had been in his lap, suddenly surfaced and star
ted to gesture strongly. Everything about his body screamed Thank God! His words,
however, were cautious.
That thought had occurred to me too. It makes more sense.
The idea that Phil has worked out the situation without help came as both a reli
ef and a surprise. I wondered whether I should have solicited his opinion more q
uickly.
If he is right, Phil .., I let the words linger for a moment, how are we going to appr
ach this meeting?
As I asked this question, Phil?s moment of relief ended and his face became thou
ghtful again. Clearly he had not expected this, or considered this question, so
I gave him a few moments by leaving the room to make coffee. When I returned, he
was more relaxed.
Any ideas? I asked as I walked in the door.
I think we need to admit that maybe we got it wrong. Then listen and listen and l
isten ..
He was moving in the right direction, but a little more caution was called for.
I agree with you on the listen and listen and listen?, I answered.
Rory Ridley-Duff
After waiting for a moment to see whether he might say anything else, I offered
my opinion.
Of course, if we admit that we got it wrong? both you and I could be for the high
jump if this ever goes to court
I had his attention now and a look of horror spread across his face. His eyes le
ft mine and looked down at the table for a few seconds. When he looked up again,
there was a definite sense of conviction as he spoke.
Then I guess admitting we got it wrong is out of the question, he said, with just
a hint of a smile.
I smiled back at him a big smile showing my teeth. I looked him straight in the
eye as I answered him.
We?ll make a manager out of you yet!
Without letting my eyes wander even for an instant I took the lead.
Okay, Phil. We?ll do as you suggest. We?ll say that we want to look at the whole
thing again, listen to what they have to say. I want you to bring a notebook and
take lots of notes. We?ll keep our mouths shut, at least until I?ve talked to D
ave and Legal, and just keep insisting that we?ll do everything we can to mediat
e a solution. This afternoon is about buying time. Okay?
I could see from Phil?s reaction that his ego felt well and truly massaged. He b
roke into a smile and nodded. I looked away from him to give the impression the
meeting was over. When Phil got up and made to leave the room, I completed the a
ct of seduction.
Phil? I asked, and then waited until his eyes were again looking into mine, You?re
a good lad. I appreciate you.
Friends or Lovers
I did not look away and his eyes remained on mine until he could hold the gaze n
o longer. I caught a trace of redness in his cheeks. He turned to go, started to
walk, but when he reached the door he glanced over his shoulder and smiled at m
e again. I smiled back. I have to admit that sometimes it is great fun being a w
oman.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 27
I feigned surprise when I met Mike?s solicitor and was as pleasant as possible.
If his solicitor had been a man, I might have peppered my pleasantness with a br
usque manner. If we were to meet again in a court room or industrial tribunal, a
married woman giving a single woman a hard time in the witness box would not be
pleasant. I have to say that Mike was proving a lot smarter than I?d expected.
To my surprise, I found myself developing a grudging respect for him. If we made
it through this conflict, I promised myself that I would get to know him better
.
I opened the meeting and stressed that we would be as co-operative as possible.
No conclusions had been reached. Mike initially looked as if he was ready for a
battle, but my opening gamble paid off and took the wind out of his sails. I int
roduced Phil as my assistant and said that he had expressed a view that we shoul
d listen to Mike and Nathan. At the mention of his name, Phil looked up and smil
ed, still beaming from our earlier encounter.
First Nathan, then Mike, gave their accounts while I nodded, prompted, enquired
and encouraged. Phil made copious notes as the story unfolded more or less exact
ly as John said it would. At certain points in the narrative, I expressed surpri
se and shock at what I was hearing. Phil followed my lead and we successfully co
mmunicated the seriousness of what had taken place.
Every few minutes I glanced at Mike?s solicitor friend to see how this was playi
ng with her. At the start of the meeting, she had looked calm and confident. Wit
h each reaction, I noticed that her look changed from one of confidence to one o
f
Friends or Lovers
puzzlement. Sometimes she would look at Mike and tilt her head to one side. She
was trying to work out how the meeting could be going so well for her client. At
the end, after taking both Mike?s and Nathan?s statements, I offered to get Phi
l to type them up and send Mike?s to her for checking. At this suggestion, she s
tarted to engage me.
That?s good of you, Penny, she said. I didn?t like her using my first name but I l
et it pass.
 My pleasure, I answered.
Mike?s got issues over lost pay, and a problem with his housing situation
We can help with that, I answered. My comment stopped her in her tracks. She was n
ot expecting this. With surprise on her face she uttered a question.
How?
I was growing in confidence and put the final piece of my plan into place.
There are two flats rented by the company to accommodate sales managers who commu
te here from time to time. One of them is free at the moment and I can arrange f
or Mike to use it until he can make alternative arrangements.
Who will pay? she asked.
The company will pay, I answered.
And what about the loss of pay since changing his job?
On pay, I?ll have to clear any changes with my director, David Stockton. I meet h
im later tonight.
I paused for a second before I asked the next question to ensure it had maximum
impact.
What would be helpful is if you could work out with Mike the amount of wages he h
as lost. I cannot guarantee that we will
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meet it in full, but I?m sure it will be sufficient for him to treat you to dinn
er. Could you do that?
As I asked this question, I looked at them both. They looked at each other for a
moment and I noticed that she nodded her head at him.
Yes. We?ll do that now. Mike can confirm it in writing.
Mike looked at me, then at her, then at me again. I detected a smile on his face
. After a few moments, he gave a short chuckle.
Women! I have no idea why you go around letting men think they are in charge.
He chuckled again as he looked at Phil, then me again.
I?ll check with Dave tonight, I said, just to see whether I need to involve Legal.
If we don?t, then you?ll have my response tomorrow. I?ll deliver it by hand, if
necessary.
Mike smiled at me the first time I had seen him do so and I have to admit that h
is face was handsome. In all our previous meetings, he?d looked worried and pens
ive, but now I saw him in a moment of happiness, I was taken aback at just how a
ttractive he looked.
Penny? he asked.
Yes? I answered.
I underestimated you. Thank you.
He looked me strongly in the eyes.
I underestimated you as well. Thank you.
At the start of the day, I would have been happy to see someone kick him hard in
the balls, but as it turned out a mutual respect was born. I?d hoped to stall t
hings long enough to consult with Dave but we?d gone almost as far as resolving
the
Friends or Lovers
whole thing. As Mike turned to leave the room, he fixed me one last time with hi
s handsome face.
I can now see why Dave hired you.
I tried to return his look but found that I could not as I felt a rush of adrena
lin rip through me. He beat me at my own game. The moment of exhilaration passed
and I finally understood why he had such a good reputation as a salesman. Not o
nly did he have integrity and courage but, when he felt at ease, he was also ext
raordinarily sexy.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 28
I remained in the room with Phil while Mike and his solicitor exchanged words. I
noticed them hug warmly as she departed. Clearly they were more than acquaintan
ces; the way they looked, laughed, touched and moved indicated a much closer rel
ationship. Mike, now I was experiencing him up close, was a friendlier person th
an I had thought. It made me wonder why Dave harboured hostility towards him.
Phil, with a puppyish expression, fussed about me.
That was fantastic, Penny! Absolutely brilliant.
Such praise I can live with, but I actually felt exhausted. It?s hard to force n
iceness and that was exactly what I had been doing for most of the last two hour
s. It was time to cool Phil?s ardour now the job was done.
That is sweet of you, I said, with a look that communicated not just my appreciati
on, but also the gap in status between us.
His face, while still smiling, developed a small frown and his body language bec
ame submissive.
Thank you, was all he could say.
Can you tidy up the loose ends here? I need to get ready for this evening.
Phil nodded and still smiling, offered a further comment.
I learnt a lot today, he said.
A curious look came over his face.
What made you change your mind about Mike? he asked.
This comment caught me short for a moment.
Let?s just call it a woman?s intuition, shall we? I responded.
Nothing more? he asked again inquisitively.
Friends or Lovers
Clearly he was not convinced. I flicked my head back, and let my locks fall abou
t my face alluringly.
Don?t you believe in women?s intuition, Phil?
His smile returned as well as his confidence. If he had felt dominated a few mom
ents ago, all trace had left him. He started to walk out of the room and his fin
al remark not only surprised me, but also deflated my ego a bit.
I certainly believe in a woman?s cunning! he remarked.
As I stood there, I thought back over the whole day. A number of shocks, surpris
es, twists and turns had left their mark. I thought of the way John had helped,
Mike?s willingness to accept a settlement when he could have thrown the book at
me, and Phil?s shrewdness at seeing through me. I had one of those ah ha! moments
in life. Suddenly things came together. Perhaps men were not jerks after all.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 29
What a day it had been and there was still quite a way to go. I visited the wome
n?s toilets. As I delicately added a small amount of rouge to my cheeks, Jo the
marketing manager came in looking very pleased with herself.
You look happy, I remarked.
Yes, good meeting. We signed a contract this afternoon. It will give a boost to o
ur training programme, and get the new team ready.
Sounds good, I chirped. I?m off tonight to see Dave strut his stuff at the launch.
Are you coming?
Yes, of course, I?ll be there. Always enjoy watching Dave strut his stuff! she rem
arked.
Her comment surprised me, but as I?d had a totally stressful day, I let my hair
down a bit as well.
Hmm! He can look quite dashing at times, can?t he?
Yeah! I?ll say. Shame he?s taken. All the good ones are.
You looking? I asked, thinking back to the book John had recommended to me.
Aren?t you? she answered.
I thought for a moment. Was I? I didn?t really know. Certainly, I enjoyed fantas
ising about people sometimes people I knew but did that mean I was looking? Jo s
miled at me as she washed her face and removed some of her make-up. She was not
a stunner but even without make-up her skin was quite good. She had cut her hair
quite short a mistake I thought because without a good size bust it gave her a
rather boyish look. Long hair would have made her look womanly. Jo looked profes
sional, not attractive.
Friends or Lovers
As these thoughts flashed through my mind, I also considered her question. Over
the last couple of months I felt a change in myself. With Carole announcing her
marriage, having a second child, with meeting John and feeling more comfortable
with men as friends, perhaps I was ready to look. I considered Mike, and how har
d he had tried to make things work with his wife. Clearly, there were men who wa
nted marriage. Even John, flirty as he was, had a maturity and confidence that c
ame from understanding how to keep a relationship interesting. Then there was Da
ve, the sadness in his eyes when he thought of his wife, the total commitment he
seemed to have for her. I certainly felt that I wanted that before I died.
Maybe I am! I finally answered.
Really? With Dave?
I could not help but laugh out loud at this suggestion.
No! Not Dave. He?s nice and all, sweet really, but I don?t think he?s my type.
Jo seemed pleased that she was not in competition and moved a little closer.
There?s a rumour going round that his wife is ill, that she won?t live long. He m
ight be back on the market soon.
Her comment made me both cross and curious. I found it hard to believe that Dave
himself would mention this to anyone else. Perhaps he had. Perhaps I had misjud
ged him.
What?s the rumour? I asked, deciding to dig a bit.
That his wife has cancer. One of my neighbour?s children is at school with Dave?s
kids. They were playing one day and came straight out with it. My mum?s going to
die? he said. Anyway, my neighbour went round and they admitted she was not wel
l.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Just as Jo was giving me the low down, Elona walked in. She looked dreadful, as
if she?d been unable to sleep for a week.
Hi! we both said to her.
She nodded, but did not talk and started to look in the mirror.
Anyway, Jo continued, they said that Dave?s wife looked terrible.
I was not sure whether to confirm or deny the rumour. This was a difficult call
because I was obliged to keep information confidential. At the same time, rumour
s spiralling out of control were problematic and could cause embarrassment.
When was this? I asked.
Oh! A couple of weeks ago, I think. You know anything?
With this remark, I could tell that Jo was digging for information because her c
asual manner was suddenly replaced by attentive curiosity.
I?ve heard the same rumour, I responded as casually as possible.
It was not a lie. Jo seemed to know as much as I did, even if her source was a l
ittle further from home, and the admission that I?d heard a rumour did nothing t
o substantiate or deny her claim.
Where did you hear it? she asked, clearly not satisfied by my response.
I gave a small laugh.
Well, Jo, where do you hear most rumours? I asked.
In here! she responded.
I said nothing.
Quite masterful that, I thought. I omitted, of course, that it was Jo who had to
ld me the rumour only a few moments ago. I was relieved that she?d got the rumou
r from outside the company. My respect for Dave remained intact.
Friends or Lovers
Elona reapplied her make-up and listening to our conversation.
Bloody rumours! she remarked, clearly not happy.
Sorry, Ellie? asked Jo. What rumour?
I just said that I don?t like rumours. They are hurtful and mess people up.
Jo clearly did not understand why Elona had the hump.
Someone been pissing you off, Ellie? she asked.
If you haven?t heard, you will soon. There?s a rumour going round about me.
What rumour?s that? asked Jo.
?bout me and Nathan!
What about you and Nath? Jo enquired.
I was concerned at the direction of this conversation. If there was a rumour, it
was the first I?d heard. I knew from past experience that if a rumour started i
t would be hard to quash.
 What rumour? asked Jo enthusiastically.
That Nath has a thing going with me!
What was Elona doing? I felt that I had to act fast.
Elona! Not another word. To my office now!
I was not sure if there was a rumour, or whether Elona was trying to start one,
but whichever it was I had to put a stop to it.
Jo looked both shocked and amused. She gestured with her eyes and head to indica
te something to me, but I could not take it in.
Quickly now! I demanded and Elona packed up her stuff and hurried out of the toile
ts. As she left, I turned back to Jo.
That rumour, I said, glancing at Elona, is not true.
I turned to leave wondering whether issuing a denial was wise. By drawing attent
ion to it, I was indicating that something? was going on between Elona and Nathan
. Half an hour earlier, I felt
Rory Ridley-Duff
that things were under control, but now they could easily spiral out of control
again. If Jo went back to her team and started talking about it, the rumour migh
t yet cause more problems.
Jo? I said.
Yes, she replied.
I would appreciate if you did not repeat to others what Elona just said.
Sure! she said, with a smile. But it was a smile I didn?t feel I could trust. Ther
e was too much pleasure in it.
I don?t often lose my temper, but this was an occasion when coolly losing my tem
per was the most effective way to drive home what I had to say. As soon as Elona
was installed in my office, I turned to her and let fly.
What the fuck d?you think you were doing?
Elona was so shocked that she did not sit down.
What ..what do you mean? she said quietly.
Just answer the question, I demanded.
But .but you you .. blurted Elona, trying to get a grasp of the situation.
I what?
I ..I thought ..thought you , mumbled Elona
Thought what?
Given that I was faking my anger, this exchange struck me as slightly comical, l
ike something out of Yes, Prime Minister, when Jim Hacker had Humphrey Appleby i
n a corner embarrassed and grasping for words. Elona, however, did not really cu
t the mustard as Sir Humphrey and that made it hard for me to keep a straight face
.
I thought you knew? she said.
Friends or Lovers
This was an interesting turn of events. Was Elona implying that there was someth
ing going on with Nathan, or just that she thought I knew about the rumour.
Thought what? I repeated, gesturing that I needed more clarification.
Elona?s eyes started to dart around the room as if she was looking for something
to say. Clearly, she was trying to get me to say what I knew, but I did not obl
ige.
I thought you well you had Mike and Nathan in here nearly all afternoon, didn?t you?
Yes, I did.
So you know, don?t you? she prompted again.
Elona, please tell me what you think I know.
Elona looked concerned but did not say anything.
Sit down, Elona, I said. I imagine you?re wondering what happened earlier?
She took her place and nodded. I considered carefully how to put it across.
I can say with reasonable certainty that we will not be investigating the matter
any further.
She looked relieved. When I remember the way she left my room in some distress,
it was good to see her relax.
Does that mean you?ve got to the bottom of things?
I wondered what she wanted to hear. Was she asking who had been found guilty?? I
wished I could tell her more, but to do so would breach the confidentiality I ob
served in these matters.
Elona, I started. We won?t be looking into it any more. I?m satisfied that all part
ies have told me the truth, at least as far as they are able to, and I don?t thi
nk that questioning people further will reveal anything more. I accept that you?
ve had a
Rory Ridley-Duff
difficult time, and I don?t want to add to your distress any more. You can go ho
me tonight and sleep better, I hope.
I was being economical with the truth, but no untruths passed my lips. My only r
egret was that Elona might think that her account of events had been vindicated.
But could she really think that Mike and Nathan would back up her story? That w
as naivety beyond possibility. She must surely realise I was being kind and savi
ng her face.
She seemed happier and relaxed.
So don?t start any rumours, okay? I said pointedly.
She looked up and paused for a moment. Then she nodded to indicate that she unde
rstood.
I?ve got a question, Elona said.
I braced myself.
Do you know anywhere I could stay?
I didn?t enquire why.
I don?t, I?m afraid. Have you put a notice on the board? I asked.
Don?t want to do that, she said. People will ask why, and I don?t want to say.
Okay. I?ll ask around discretely. Is there anything else?
No, she answered.
Give me a few days, I said. I have an idea.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 30
The evening passed off well. The entrepreneur that Dave was promoting came acros
s fairly well, and I quite enjoyed minding him for the evening. He had his young
er wife and family with him and the evening was something of a personal endorsem
ent and triumph for him after years of struggling at home and in university labo
ratories. He was dynamic and Dave made the most of this during the presentation.
I?ve saved the best for last, Dave announced. All of Sam?s products involve the use
of advanced technology to improve personal hygiene. This last product is someth
ing that every woman will want, and every man will want to buy for her. Sam tell
s me that his wife, Elaine, has extensively tested this final product. She will
vouch for it personally.
Dave cast his eye over to the other side of the stage where Sam and Elaine were
standing.
Play it again, Sam, said Dave boldly, and there was a gentle ripple of laughter as
the video images appeared.
The lights dimmed as the finale began. Sam?s product range comprised advanced tec
hnology? approaches to personal care that were to say the least sensuous in thei
r design and application. This last product, however, was the one that Dave beli
eved would become a top seller. It was a battery operated hair remover that coul
d be strapped onto arms, legs, or anywhere else that a woman wanted to remove ha
ir. Just as self-exercise belts use gels to transmit current into the muscles (w
ithout actually having to do any exercise), Sam?s product went one further. A na
rrator started to explain benefits to an attentive audience.
Rory Ridley-Duff
What does every woman want? Yes, to have silky smooth skin. And what does every
man want? To buy the ultimate gift for his partner and bring a smile to her face
. You want to SHARE. What every woman will want next Christmas, and what every m
an will want to buy for her, is the - Sensuous Hair Removal Experience.
On the screen, a handsome male model gave a gift wrapped present to a beautiful
brunette, her face full of mock excitement at receiving her favourite? present. T
hen, as the man wanders onto a patio to reveal a breathtaking mountain landscape
, he dons a pair of black glasses a la Terminator - and a fanfare of music alert
s the audience to a James Bond like action sequence. The man jumps off a cliff e
dge and the next 90 seconds is a tongue in cheek satire of past Milk Tray advert
s. The mock-hero slides down the mountain-side, risking life and limb, to delive
r a second package to a mansion home in the valley beneath. He leaves the packag
e, with his card, in her bathroom and jumps out of the window into the night. Mo
ments later, a blonde in a long robe picks up the package. With a hint of wicked
ness in her grin, she takes the package into her stately bedroom and lies down o
n the four-poster bed.
The music changes again, the model tastefully disrobes, removes the gift from he
r package and relaxes. The satire switches to playful pastiche of 1980s Flake ad
verts, and as the model?s eyes close and she enjoys the sensual delights of the
SHARE experience, Sam?s wife moves to centre stage. Dressed in a daring black dr
ess, adorned with tasteful jewellery, a beam of light is shone onto her from the
back of the auditorium and the volume of the music lowered.
Friends or Lovers
Dear guests Sam and I are so confident that you will enjoy this wonderful product
that we and I personally will guarantee that you will treasure it. We?ve prepar
ed a gift pack for every woman here tonight. Take away your own SHARE experience
and enjoy the benefits of the latest in personal hygiene technology.
As she stepped back from the microphone, the larger than life model held a pose
reminiscent of the flake advert delicately crumbling chocolate between two gorge
ous red lips. She sucked, then bit her finger, as her mind becomes occupied with
the erotic. Even as I was starting to think that this was a bit OTT, I looked a
round the hall and saw women alternating their glances at the presentation with
chuckles into the ears of their female friends. The eyes of the men, however, we
re on stalks watching every tiny movement of the model applying gel to the insid
es of her thighs, then turning the appliance - and herself - on.
Nobody said it out loud, but everyone clearly understood. This was no ordinary h
air remover. As Elaine walked off the stage and sat down next to me, I lent over
and whispered into her ear.
You should be selling this at Ann Summers parties!
She gave a broad smile and leaned towards me.
We will be, but we can?t say that here.
It was my turn to smile at her. When I watched Dave?s practice run, he had not s
hown me this video. He did tell me that there was another presentation but that
Sam and Elaine were keeping it under wraps. I could now see why.
What accessories? I whispered with more than a hint of curiosity.
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Let me put it like this, said Elaine. If we?ve not beaten the rampant rabbit? into s
econd place by next Christmas then I?m going to be pissed as hell.
I chuckled. This was pretty risqué for IC but it was becoming clear why Dave was p
repared to take the unprecedented step of a full product launch. She carried on
talking in my ear as the video presentation neared the end.
You won?t see the accessories advertised anywhere in your brochures. Dave thought
it might be regarded as distasteful. It?s a good hair removal product, much les
s painful than wax and much more effective than creams. There is a range of innov
ative? extensions. Our pilot trials have produced spectacular feedback.
Can?t wait to try mine out! I said.
We exchanged smiles and a final fanfare alerted the audience to the finale. As t
he final chord echoed throughout the hall, the blonde looked seductively into th
e camera and spoke breathlessly.
Much better than Milk Tray!
The place filled with roars of laughter and the lights came up. Dave walked back
to the microphone and announced that drinks and snacks were available in the lo
bby. The gift packs could be collected at the exits.
The chatter was interminable but the evening was a success with guests energised
and enthusiastic. When the VIPs had been safely escorted home in pre-booked tax
is, I pulled Dave to one side for a private word.
Can we slip out of here - there is something I need to discuss. It can?t wait unt
il tomorrow.
Friends or Lovers
Dave nodded, then walked over to Sam and Elaine. He exchanged words with them, s
hook their hands and spoke with a representative of the PR company.
Okay we?re off. They have everything under control.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 31
We walked to a nearby bar and settled ourselves into a corner table. Dave bought
the first round a real ale for himself, a gin and tonic for me. As soon as he h
ad parked the glasses on the table, he removed his jacket and loosened his tie.
No point standing on ceremony, I said. May as well take it off.
I?ve been wearing these things for 20 years and still hate them.
You should try wearing high-heels! I joked.
We spent a few minutes discussing the evening. We both thought it had been a min
i-triumph. He confessed that he thought the product was risqué for IC, but Harry (
the MD) had given him the go ahead. With the company enjoying some success, ther
e was a feeling that a calculated risk was appropriate. It might backfire, but i
f it did so, the portfolio was now broad enough to weather a set-back. Alternati
vely, it might catapult the company into the top league.
You wanted to talk about something? he asked.
Yes, I said. I?ve had quite a day.
I recounted the events, including the lunchtime meeting with John, and Dave reac
ted in quite a peculiar way.
John? Who?s this John?
I met him at the conference in Paris. Not at the actual conference, on the flight
home...
Is he married? he interrupted sternly.
Yes, I said a bit defensively, Why do you ask?
His question irritated me.
Is it wise?
Friends or Lovers
Dave! You are married too! I said trying to lighten the mood.
Yes, but I?m a close colleague, he said casting me a bad-tempered glance. It?s diff
erent! he said.
I sat for a few moments wondering why it mattered to Dave. The more I thought ab
out it, the more incensed I got.
Why is it different? I said, deciding to defend my friendship with John.
Dave immediately looked a bit put out. Could he be jealous, I wondered?
Well I see you all the time. We know each other well.
I thought about how much more John knew about me. For all the time I?d spent wit
h Dave, he knew only a fraction of the real me.
John and I know each other well, I affirmed.
Dave looked at me with surprise and I realised that he may have misinterpreted w
hat I said.
Work colleagues often go out together. It?s just different isn?t it?
I don?t see why, I said firmly. John and I exchange e-mails as often as you and I t
alk.
Dave raised his eyebrows.
It?s different, Penny, he said starting to sound defensive.
How often do you and I go out after work? I asked. I didn?t even know that your wif
e had been unwell until you told me recently.
I wished that I could hide my irritation, but it must have been obvious because
Dave backed off a bit. I could see in his body language and movements that he fe
lt hurt. As I didn?t
Rory Ridley-Duff
want the situation to spiral out of control I decided to offer some reassurance.
I?m fond of you, Dave! I said, and his face lit up again. How are things at home?
The smile left his face and his eyes were downcast.
My parents are with her tonight. I don?t think she?ll ever leave hospital.
D?you want to talk about it? I asked.
He looked up at me and appeared unsure.
 Maybe after another round of drinks he said tentatively.
Let?s get this work stuff finished, then I?ll get the next round in, I said positi
vely.
Dave listened to the story that unravelled with Mike, Nathan and Elona. I watche
d him closely as I described Mike?s part of the story to see if I could detect a
nything in his response. He seemed to take it in okay, and concurred with me tha
t I would need his authorisation to fund Mike?s housing costs until he could fin
d accommodation elsewhere. He recommended that I see Legal to arrange a three-mo
nth tenancy. He promised to e-mail them first thing in the morning.
When does he want to move in?
As soon as possible, I think. He?s shacked up at a hotel at the moment.
Dave gave a small laugh. I don?t know why, but I was immediately irritated. Why
did he have to laugh like that? Why take pleasure at Mike?s marriage breaking do
wn? I didn?t expect it of Dave.
Thanks! I said with as much sincerity as I could muster.
I downed my gin and tonic then went to the bar to get another round of drinks. I
had not been to this place before so I cast my
Friends or Lovers
eyes around while waiting to be served. Most of the patrons were in their 30s an
d 40s. The tables were wooden. They had a natural look about them, not that manuf
actured to the nearest tenth of a millimetre feeling. The edges were jagged and r
ough, and each table had a bowl in the middle that had the appearance of driftwo
od, filled with stones. On the wall, there was wood panelling, deliberately unva
rnished to fit in with the tenor of the furnishings. I liked it.
Drinks in hand, I returned to the table and asked Dave again about the situation
at home. He looked awkward and reticent, so I put my hand on his shoulder and e
ncouraged him. His eyes looked down into his lap as he spoke.
She?s deteriorating, he said. They give her less than a month. The doctors want to
talk to me tomorrow. I?m dreading it.
It was difficult to respond. I thought about trying to show deep sympathy, but i
t was impossible for me to feign feelings that I didn?t have. Certainly I cared,
but doing the there, there routine just was not me. I thought of my father. He ha
d an expression, drawn from his love of cricket: playing a straight bat .
What will you say? I finally responded.
He looked up. I don?t think he expected me to ask such a question.
Er .I?m ..I?m he stopped for a moment.
You?ll have to tell them something, Dave, I continued.
He looked pained and I could not really work out why. Not having had a lover or
even a family member in this situation, I wondered if I was being insensitive. T
he problem, however, was that I didn?t know how else to be.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I?m I?m
I began to grow tired of his hesitation, but I tried not to show it.
..torn!
Finally!
What are you torn about?
He gave me a look that was puzzling, as if he thought I might be slightly mad.
I?m torn between helping her die and keeping her alive, he responded brusquely, as
if he had noticed my prickliness and was responding with some of his own.
I?m sorry, Dave, of course! I felt a bit of a twit but then some words emerged fro
m my mouth that I wished had remained in the darkness of my mind.
Might it be kinder to let her die?
He looked at me and I saw tears form in his eyes. I surely should have felt more
sympathy for him, but for some reason he was irritating me. For someone approac
hing forty, he sure was immature. And yet, even as I had these thoughts I heard
my father?s voice. What?s the deeper meaning here, Penny?? I kept asking myself wh
y don?t I feel more sympathy?? Why? The right thing to do at this moment would h
ave been to put my arms around him. I could see his face growing red. A few days
ago, I had no problem comforting him. Why was I putting up barriers now?
These thoughts swirled around in my head. I traced my mind back and suddenly rea
lised that his moment of mirth at Mike?s situation really infuriated me. But why
? What is the deeper meaning here? I kept asking myself. There in my mind was my f
ather smiling at me, encouraging me to reflect. Suddenly, the
Friends or Lovers
awful realisation hit me. I was evaluating them, deciding which of them would ge
t my sympathy.
When the meeting with Mike had concluded, he found it in him to pay me a complim
ent. I can see why Dave hired you, he had said. He had every reason to hate me, bu
t instead he appreciated me. It was generous and I kept thinking I had completel
y misjudged him. I didn?t feel worthy of his respect. The moment Dave took pleas
ure at Mike?s misfortune he lost my respect.
So I sat there and found myself no longer wanting to comfort Dave. I even starte
d to wonder if Dave was playing the sympathy card. Even as I chastised myself fo
r being so uncharitable, I kept asking myself why I felt more sympathy for Mike
than Dave. After all, I hardly knew Mike. Why did it matter? Dave broke the sile
nce.
I don?t want to admit that it would kinder to let her die. I can?t bear the thoug
ht of losing her.
As he said this, I saw his eyes furtively look at mine. That didn?t seem right.
He was watching me to see how these lines played. I continued with a straight ba
t.
It would be kinder, wouldn?t it?
Dave?s eyes were on me now as we talked and I felt increasingly self-conscious.
Yes. Unbearable. But kinder!
It felt incongruous that he was looking deep into my eyes while talking about hi
s wife dying. I fought a gut instinct to get up and walk out. I stopped looking
at him but then he spotted my awkwardness.
Penny? Are you okay?
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I was not sure what to say. I couldn?t tell him how I was feeling. My sense of u
rgency was growing.
I feel a bit unwell, I said hurriedly. Just need to go to the loos and then I?ll be
back. Wait here, I said.
Okay, he replied.
As I started to get up, I felt his hand touch my back and my body reacted like i
t had received an electric shock. I was sure he sensed my tension because his ha
nd dropped and eyes looked away. It was an instant reaction and both of us reali
sed what it meant. I made my way to the toilets and lingered there for as long a
s I could without appearing rude. When I came out, I grabbed my glass and tried
to smile.
Look, Dave, I?ve had a really long day and my stomach does not feel good. I appre
ciate you meeting me and going through things. I?ll come in early and sort the s
tuff out with you. It went really well tonight. You were a star. Book some time
off and spend it with your wife. Grab every moment you can.
I was talking too quickly. Even so, he did not challenge me and just kept noddin
g.
Okay, Pen, okay. D?you want me to walk you back?
No, no! I said too quickly. It?s okay. I?ve drunk too much. I?ll get a cab. Pick th
e car up tomorrow.
I looked at the table and saw that he had nearly a whole pint to drink up.
Perhaps, you should do the same! I blurted out.
I?ll do that! he replied.
Okay, then. I?ll see you in the morning. Don?t stay up too late, will you?
No, I won?t
Bye.
Friends or Lovers
Bye, he replied with just a hint of sarcasm.
Whatever hopes I had of growing close to Dave, they evaporated that night. I cou
ld not explain why, it was a sixth sense telling me not to get close to him. As
I rode home in the taxi, the events of the last week just kept playing in my min
d. My opinion of Mike had risen from rock bottom to something approaching respec
t. Perhaps I was attracted to him? My desire for John had changed from one of gi
rlish lust to one of sisterly love. As for Phil, he had changed from someone on
a level with a placement student, to a sharp and roguish young man who merited t
he occasional fantasy. As for Dave, my respect for him was waning. What was goin
g on? What was happening?
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 32
When I got home, I poured myself another glass of wine and had a bath. The event
s with Dave were upsetting so I tried to eradicate them from my mind with soothi
ng music and some self-pampering. I ran a bath and as I lay in the warm water, I
thought about Mike. I had to find a way to make up for the way I had treated hi
m. Even though he had reason to feel bitter, he chose not to be. I wondered why
he was not offended. The more I thought about him, the more I felt I had misjudg
ed him, the more I started to like him.
As these positive thoughts about Mike ran around my head, it raised new question
s over Dave. He had told me to find out about Mike because he may become a problem .
I was now curious about Dave?s comments. It was as if he felt threatened by Mike
and wanted me to get dirt on him. I made a mental note to follow it up with Phi
l.
With these thoughts behind me, I started to relax and drink the wine. I indulged
myself by recalling Phil?s red cheeks when I flirted with him. He may be young,
but he was quite a dish. With the soap in my hands, I ran it over my breasts an
d built up a sumptuous lather. Then I did my stomach, thighs and between my legs
. I arched my buttocks and started working on the folds of flesh between my legs
. This was a good way to relax, but the water kept washing away the wetness I wa
s feeling and prevented me reaching orgasm, so I got out of the bath and returne
d to my bedroom.
On my bed was the bag from the launch. The SHARE experience? Yes, it was there.
Inside the bag there were two gift-wrapped presents. I undid the larger one to r
eveal a tasteful
Friends or Lovers
package that contained a battery operated motor. There were two buttons on it, o
ne for switching the device on and off, and the other to increase and decrease t
he intensity. On the side were four holes for attaching accessories. There were
several pads and a tube of gel. Some of the pads were round, but one was triangu
lar and obviously moulded so that women could use it to remove their pubic hair.
I started to feel aroused as the sense of expectation started to build.
I used my fingernail to slide under the sellotape and gently remove the gift wra
p from the second gift. As I opened the package, I started to lick my lips with
a sense of exhilaration. Inside was a dildo extension and another tube of gel. T
he dildo was mainly plastic but there were small metal panels inlaid at various
points. A small instruction book was also inside and I excitedly opened it and r
ead:
Apply the SHARE gel to both the accessory and the pubic hair remover for an unfor
gettable experience.
So there I lay on the bed almost breathless with anticipation. I took it in my h
and and turned it over. There was a fine mesh of plastic teeth interspersed with
similar inlaid metal panels. I applied the first tube of gel, plugged the panel
into the motor, and attached the straps that were included. By the time I had f
inished, I looked like a porn model. Next I took the dildo and second tube of ge
l and worked my hands up and down the shaft until it was covered all over. I pic
tured Phil?s cock in my hand to increase my excitement. I looked like someone?s
whore, enjoying my sexual power.
Lying back on the bed, I lifted up my legs and inserted the dildo into the motor
device then inserted it. The gel was good and it slid in nicely and I worked it
around until its full length
Rory Ridley-Duff
was pressing on the pit of my stomach. I played with myself for a couple of minu
tes, pressing on my clitoris at the same time to heighten my arousal. Then, with
 my free hand, I reached over to the motor and pressed the on switch. A sensatio
n ripped through me that made me shudder in total ecstasy. Not only could I feel
a gentle vibration on my pubic bone, there was a gentle vibration inside me. I
remembered the booklet describe an intensity button for a special experience . With
each press, small shots of electricity engulfed my pussy from both the hair rem
over and the dildo and I just gasped.
The SHARE experience had been thoughtfully designed. As I let my finger work me
into a frenzy, I imagined Phil, Mike and John walking into the room. There I was
, bare breasted and naked with my legs wide apart, dildo inserted, as I played o
ut a fantasy of being a hot and horny slut. Phil and John came either side of me
. John took my breasts in his hand and gentled rubbed them while I felt Phil?s m
outh on mine. John started to pinch and suck my nipples and run his hands all ov
er my stomach and sides. While they gorged themselves, I imagined Mike?s hand on
the insides of my thighs and his mouth sucking on my fingers. My finger was now
circling furiously, and I closed my eyes as I imagined Mike?s tongue in place o
f my finger, massaging gently then harder then gentler again, then hard as his f
irm tongue edged me towards a heavenly climax. With one finger on my clit, and t
he other periodically pressing the ecstasy button?, I imagined my three lovers fi
lling me with cock and spurting their cum over me until wave after wave of pleas
ure set my convulsing body on fire.
As I lay on the bed exhausted, two strange thoughts burrowed into my mind. First
ly, I wanted Mike. I wanted to fuck him like
Friends or Lovers
no-one else I had ever met and felt I would do anything to have him. Secondly, t
he SHARE experience was going to make IC rich beyond belief. How could this prod
uct fail? How could anything capable of bringing women so much pleasure be anyth
ing except a runaway success?
In that moment, the future took on a positive glow and I saw myself as Phil had
seen me, as a Professor of Cunning, a vixen with a keen eye, finishing a new pla
n to suck as much pleasure out of life as possible. With these debauched thought
s filling my mind my satisfied, naked, emotionally and physically spent body fel
l into a deep sleep.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 33
Despite my good intentions to get up early and speed off to work, my exertions t
he previous day caused me to oversleep. Hurriedly, I got up and took breakfast o
n the way to work. Even so, I was half an hour late. Given my attendance beyond
the call of duty the previous evening, I felt entitled.
Once at work, my first port of call was Office Services from where I picked up t
he key to the company flat. I found that Dave had not e-mailed them and I wonder
ed whether he too had overslept. That being the case, I signed for the keys on m
y own authority and proceeded to the legal department to sort out the paperwork.
Hi, Stella, I said walking up to her desk. I?m here about the company flat. I need
to arrange for Mike to rent it for three months. Has Dave been in yet?
Yes, he was in here about half an hour ago, but he didn?t mention anything about
a flat.
That?s strange, I thought. I was sure Dave said he would sort this out. Perhaps
I had misunderstood him.
Did he e-mail you about it? I asked
Let me check, said Stella.
She quickly checked her inbox and shook her head.
He must have forgotten! I said. We agreed last night that I could rent it out to Mi
ke Bennett. I need to sort out a three-month tenancy agreement for him.
Well, I can get the paperwork sorted, Stella replied. But you?ll need Dave to sign
the contract. It has to be a director.
Okay. Can you sort out the paperwork and I?ll come back this afternoon.
Friends or Lovers
I returned to my desk and said good morning to Phil. He was cheerful and greeted
me warmly. I felt that we were developing a good working relationship and the p
rospect of that pleased me. We had been through an emotional experience together
.
I sent Dave an e-mail to ask him to sign the contract that Stella was preparing
and promised to catch up with him later in the day. I told him that after testing
the product personally, I think the SHARE experience is going to be a winner.
I chatted with Phil and mentioned that I wanted to offer my apologies to Mike.
Keep that off the record, quipped Phil.
Yes, of course, I responded.
Then for a reason I could not fathom - I winked at him. He gave me a broad smile
in return. What was I doing? Even as I struggled to understand myself, I felt g
ood inside, like a newborn person. She was happier than the old one, confident a
nd self-assured, complete and rounded, tolerant and self-critical. I found that
it gave me pleasure to give others pleasure.
I found Mike having a coffee with a woman.
Can I just interrupt a moment? I asked.
Sure, we?re just chatting.
Here are the keys for the flat. Dave says you can move in any time you like. Ther
e?s some paperwork being drawn up. You?ll need to sign that later.
Thanks! I appreciate this.
The woman nodded her approval too, which struck me as slightly odd. She was olde
r than me. Her clothes were well kept but not designer labels. She came across a
s someone who would look chic if she could afford it, but was not currently able
Rory Ridley-Duff
to. Her face had a modest amount of make-up around the eyes, but other than this
she had a natural beauty that her advancing years did nothing to diminish.
Do you need any help moving in? I asked.
Are you offering? Mike replied, in hope more than expectation, I think.
Sure, I?ll help! I responded.
Thanks! he said with some surprise and pleasure. This is Sally, he said looking at h
is coffee companion. She?s offered to help as well.
Sally! Things quickly slotted into place. I studied her more closely and felt he
r doing the same to me. She was in her mid-forties and kept herself fit. Her fac
e looked as if she applied cream, but I could not detect any eye-shadow or blush
er. Her attractiveness was natural, not manufactured. I extended my hand.
Good to meet you. I feel like I already know you a bit, I said.
She glanced in Mike?s direction as she responded.
Yes, I gather he has told you quite a bit about me. Not all good I hope!
I liked her playfulness and returned the favour.
Well, he said he?d leave you to fill in the details.
Mike smiled when he heard me say this and glanced at Sally to check that she was
not going to scold him. Sally continued the riposte.
From what he?s been telling me, it doesn?t sound like he left details out!
Then you can get your own back by telling me all his secrets!
Friends or Lovers
I felt an instant rapport. It was like that with John, and I hoped it would be t
he same with Sally.
Sally looked playfully at Mike.
Good idea. There are plenty to tell, and then, as she looked back at me she added,
Are you interested in them?
Linguistically speaking, she had just speared me and I realised she was checking
me out on Mike?s behalf. My confidence was high, however, and I continued to jo
ust.
Only the particularly wicked ones!
She laughed out loud and then turned to Mike.
Watch this one, Mike! She?s got her eye on you.
Mike gave me a wry smile. Today I stood my ground much better and did not look a
way.
And very nice eyes they are too, he complimented.
Sally laughed and managed to divert attention from the colour that was flushing
through my cheeks.
Well, I have to familiarise myself with this new SHARE experience! blurted Sally.
I laughed out loud and it caused both of them to look at me enquiringly. At that
moment I felt just a touch of embarrassment.
What? I asked.
They both paused momentarily, and then Mike spoke.
Are you going to share it? he said, with a chuckle.
I caught his dark and sexual humour, but it went over Sally?s head. I wondered h
ow I could respond without being too explicit.
I?m already familiar with the SHARE experience. Sally, you?re in for a treat part
icularly if they give you a product sample.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Sally and Mike looked at each other in a puzzled way, and then Mike turned and w
inked at me out of Sally?s line of sight. I actually felt butterflies. He was de
finitely flirting with me. To my relief Sally did not ask any further questions.
See you after work, then? asked Sally.
I?ll come by your office around 5-ish, answered Mike.
You definitely in? asked Sally, directing the question at me.
I nodded and then Sally lent over and whispered into my ear.
Be careful! He?ll charm the pants off you and before you know it you?ll be deeply
in love with him.
Her remark cleared up many loose ends. The story that Phil had uncovered, and th
at Dave had hinted at, suddenly made sense. Sally realised that she would never
have a hold over Mike the way that she wanted to and had accepted the next best
thing. I realised that she was talking from experience and while I was grateful
for the advice, it also brought home to me that the issue was not whether he cou
ld charm the pants off me, but whether I could charm the pants off him.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 34
Back at my desk, I asked Phil to come into my office. As my mind went back over
events, I realised that Dave had fuelled my concerns about Mike and this had dir
ectly motivated me to ask Phil to investigate Mike?s private life. Given the way
that events had turned out, I wondered why Dave had done this.
How are you feeling? I asked.
Phil looked quite relaxed so I felt it may be a good time to gather his thoughts
on the outcome of the investigation.
Okay. Quite a turn of events, wasn?t it?
Yes it certainly was. When did you think something wasn?t right? I asked.
Phil sat back in his chair and became quite animated. He clearly appreciated his
views being taken seriously and was keen to express them.
Quite a while ago. When I sat in the canteen with Mike?s colleagues nothing seeme
d to fit. When Mike lost his temper with you in that meeting, I think my suspici
ons were confirmed.
I wondered how much I should tell Phil. I was going to need his help again and i
nvolving him would be risky. I decided to come clean.
I was not particularly clever over this, I said.
You seemed pretty sharp to me, he replied.
I gave him a smile and shrugged my shoulders.
I?d love to take the credit, I said, but that would be dishonest. Someone outside w
ork a good friend suggested to me that maybe I was looking at things the wrong w
ay.
I see, mused Phil.
Rory Ridley-Duff
You were not entirely wrong when you asked if someone had influenced my thinking.
It was Phil?s turn to smile at me.
Anyone I know? he asked.
No. Someone outside work. We discussed the situation hypothetically.
Even as I gave Phil this explanation, I felt a tinge of embarrassment that I did
not admit how completely wrong I had got things.
Why had I been so convinced that Elona was right and Mike wrong? Mike, if anythi
ng, had acted with remarkable restraint when I moved him to a new department. I
took that as an indication of his guilt. It never crossed my mind for one second
 that he might actually be helping and protecting his accuser. In fact, he sacri
ficed his own interests to honour a promise to Elona. I had never met anybody wi
lling to do that. It did not just add to my respect for him, it shamed me for th
e selfish way I conducted my life. In the pub, John said we only see what we are
looking for. What an insight that is! I was only looking for things that confir
med Mike?s guilt and Elona?s innocence.
As I considered these thoughts, I reflected on my own behaviour. How many times
had I taken the lead? Often. How many times had I made a pass at a man? I had lo
st count. I was a master at coaxing someone into making a pass and I suddenly re
alised how it is almost impossible for two people to get into an intimate situat
ion without both parties actively considering a relationship.
In the past I had been hurt. My cavalier attitude toward men, indeed my hostilit
y toward them, was rooted in the pain of past rejection. Afterwards, I had judge
d all men harshly. It was only
Friends or Lovers
when I met John that I wanted to find a way out. My loneliness was largely a cho
ice and not an accident or misfortune.
My fear of being intimate my fear of sharing thoughts and feelings began to fade
when I met John. He taught me the value of being honest about my desires. My er
rors were born out of a desire to protect myself, to avoid the pain of rejection
and avenge those who I thought were responsible. Can I forgive myself for not b
eing perfect? Can I forgive myself for having fears? If shame and fear are the p
rice of the warmth and desire I now feel, then it is a price worth paying. Howev
er imperfect, inconsistent, fearful and difficult they are, I want to know the p
eople in my life better.
Phil waited patiently. Finally, I spoke.
If he had not helped me understand my own prejudices, I might have been responsib
le for a tremendous injustice.
I saw Phil?s eyebrows quickly rise and fall and he tried to form some words.
I can only speak for myself, he said. You should take some credit. I may be young,
but I?m old enough to have seen people dig themselves into an early grave throug
h bitterness.
I looked up at Phil.
When did you become so wise? I asked.
We all have our cross to bear, he said with just a hint of sadness.
It was strange to sit in my office exchanging these views with a person who just
a few days earlier I would not have credited with sufficient experience or wisd
om to handle a dispute. In this moment, I felt young next to him, and wondered w
hat else I might have missed. The humility did me good. He grew in
Rory Ridley-Duff
stature before my eyes. Perhaps I had as much to learn from him as he from me.
Phil, I said. I need your help again.
What did you have in mind?
D?you remember that I asked you to find out about Mike a kind of necessary evil?
Yes.
I did so because Dave led me to think Mike might become a problem.
Phil realised not only the extent to which I was about to take him into my confi
dence, but also the import of what I was about to suggest. I saw him momentarily
shuffle uncomfortably.
And now? Phil asked.
And now I?m not sure who to believe, I responded.
Are you suggesting what I think? queried Phil.
We need to find out whether there?s a reason for Dave?s animosity.
How? Phil asked.
Eyes and ears to the ground again. Not sure what else we can do because I?ve no i
dea where to start.
Okay. I?ll see what I can find out.
This instant loyalty and acceptance of responsibility moved me so I felt it nece
ssary to sound a note of caution.
Phil, I said pointedly, we?ve just poked around a number of people?s private lives
and screwed them up. This isn?t a seek and destroy mission, just a way to unders
tand what happened.
I understand, he replied.
There?s one other thing, I added.
What?s that?
I swallowed hard at the thought of what I was about to say.
Friends or Lovers
I am starting to fancy Mike like crazy. Do you think I?m mad?
Phil?s face broke into a broad smile.
Come on, what d?you think? I asked with urgency.
I think, Phil said with a momentary pause, that he is old enough to be your father .
Oh! I said, somewhat deflated, but Phil put up his hand to indicate that I should
stop talking.
and that he?s also one hell of a lucky guy.
I was so chuffed that Phil said this that I was lost for words. Eventually, in a
moment of blind instinct, I offered him my hand.
Friends? I said.
He took my hand and shook it firmly.
Yes, of course! he replied.
As I look back over my life now I can trace the start of my friendship with Phil
to this meeting. The amount of goodwill that was generated between those four w
alls in a few minutes contributed to one of the best working partnerships I woul
d ever have. It was a risk, much as John had taken a risk with me. The result wo
uld be one of the most enduring and loving relationships I would ever have.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 35
Later in the afternoon, I returned to Legal to collect the contract for Mike. I
found that Dave had still not signed it. I guessed that Dave must be too busy to
deal with it, so I took the contract to Harry, the company?s managing director,
and explained the situation. I admitted my mistake, but also said that the prop
osed settlement would ward off the possibility of litigation and save the compan
y money in the long run. I added that Mike was doing a good job establishing the
new sales team and that any protracted dispute could have indirect costs that w
ere unforeseeable. Harry accepted my comments with good grace.
Quite a learning experience? he asked.
You?ve no idea, I answered.
I know we see each other infrequently, Penny, but I?m assured by Dave that you?ve
made quite a mark here.
Thank you. That?s good to hear, I responded. Today was turning into a very good da
y indeed.
Don?t be afraid to drop in from time to time.
I swallowed quite hard when I heard this. Until now, I had only met Harry formal
ly, but he was inviting me to be more informal with him. The flattery that I fel
t was considerable and I duly made the promise. He signed off the contract to re
nt the flat to Mike and called Legal to approve the pay settlement. I thanked hi
m for his help and left his office feeling as though I had just grown wings and
could fly.
My detour took me near to Jo?s office. I felt I should touch base with her over
the comment Elona had made. I did not want gossip or rumour to spread. As I walk
ed into her office I heard a voice that was familiar. A strange feeling came ove
r me.
Friends or Lovers
Surely it could not be? But as I walked up to the door the voice was unmistakabl
e. As I entered the room, presentation in full flow, John was outlining his thou
ghts on male and female consumer behaviour.
John noticed me at the back of the room and his face beamed.
Hello there! he said with just a trace of a smile.
Everybody turned around to look at me and for a moment I felt quite embarrassed.
You know each other? asked Jo.
I was not sure whether to admit to a close friendship in front of all the others
, but if I had denied it then it would surely have shown in my face. My attitude
to mixing business and personal relationships was momentarily compromised.
Yes, I answered, We are good friends.
I could see Sally looking both pleased and surprised as she whispered something
in the ear of a colleague. As I looked at John, our eyes connected just long eno
ugh for others to register that we were more than acquaintances. Tongues would p
robably wag, but there was little I could do.
You are Jo?s new consultant, then?
John looked at Jo.
Jo and I are good friends too , he replied, continuing the charade.
In my mind I wondered how good? but I resisted the temptation to ask. I imagine sh
e was asking herself the same question about me.
.we?ve worked on projects together and had some interesting results!
The way he said interesting? made both Jo and him laugh out loud.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Okay everyone. That?s more or less it for today. See you all next Wednesday. Reme
mber to bring in lots of magazines. Guys, you?ll need to bring some in yourself
if you don?t buy them normally, buy some this week. We are going to learn where
different products are advertised and you are going to do some serious research
about men and women! And don?t forget to ask yourself what is the most sexist thi
ng about the army?? We?ll touch on that again next time.
With these words, he shut down his laptop to signal the end of the meeting and w
alked over to greet me. Without batting an eyelid, he put his hand on my shoulde
rs and kissed me on the cheek. For a second I wondered whether to chide him for
creating the impression we were close, but his manner was so open and unaffected
that he disarmed me. Mixed with surface irritation, however, was a deep pride t
hat he acknowledged me so warmly. Not only did it make me feel special, it would
probably do my social standing amongst the staff no harm at all.
Well, this is a turn up, isn?t it?
I guess it is, I responded.
How are you fixed later? asked John.
I thought for a moment and remembered my commitment to Mike.
Helping Sally and Mike move him into a company flat!
He turned to them both, smiled, and gave a thumbs-up sign.
Things worked out, then?
Sure did! and he immediately sensed the glint in my eye.
John leaned over and whispered into my ear.
Watch out! He?ll charm the pants off you before you know it!
I laughed out loud, but John did not understand.
Friends or Lovers
Someone else said the same thing earlier!
Must be true then, he quipped. Problem is that he?s far too devoted to his wife!
Can a man be too devoted? I joked.
Sure if it leads him to deny himself the company of other interesting people.
Aren?t you devoted to your wife? I asked, with just a hint of playfulness.
Yes, I am, but not so much that I would avoid your company, Penny.
His eyes had that glorious warmth that I had come to adore. I could have deliber
ately misunderstood him and read more into his words than was there, but an inst
inct told me not to. Sure he wanted to be close to me, but I was beginning to re
alise the limits of his commitment. I felt that his marriage, indeed his life, m
ust be an endless juggling act. Reluctantly, I felt myself giving up any aspirat
ions I had to seduce John and I comforted myself by looking forward to more fant
asies.
So what?s going down with Mike, then? I asked.
John took one look at me and twigged.
You interested?
I blushed. Damn it, why do I do that! His remark caught me so off-guard that for
a moment I was angry with him. He immediately sensed this, and his tone changed
in an instant.
Penny, he said in a low voice and drawing me towards the corner of the room. I woul
d normally not say such a thing, but Mike is not just a nice man, he?s a very ni
ce man. Treat him well.
I intend to, I said.
John smiled.
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I believe you will, he said with more confidence than I felt.
What about Sally? I asked. I thought there was no harm seeing if she was competiti
on.
The way he tells it to me is that she wants children he does not. He?s got three
already and does not want any more. If they?d agreed on that then perhaps he wou
ld have let her get close to him, but because of this he would never let anythin
g start. Apart from that, they?re like a married couple. They fight and bicker a
ll the time! She?s been in love with him for years, but I can?t see his feelings
changing.
No more kids? I said, more as a remark to myself than a question for John.
Even as my own sister brought hers into the world, I still felt no maternal twin
ge. I wanted a man, not children. I looked at John again.
Thanks for that, I said warmly.
For what? he asked.
For that advice, I responded.
What advice was that? he said.
Whether he was being deliberately obtuse or just plain dumb, I did not care. Kno
wing that neither Mike nor I wanted children took away one potential conflict. J
ohn then grinned at me and I realised that he was playing. Mike and Sally came o
ver and John announced that he too was helping with the move. I returned to my o
ffice and decided to make one more trip to Dave?s before packing up my things. I
was looking forward to the evening.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 36
There you are! I said. I?ve been looking for you all day.
Why?s that? answered Dave.
The flat, the contract! I said
What contract? answered Dave.
Don?t you remember? I asked.
This was odd, I thought. Dave was behaving quite strangely and I was confused. I
went over the talk we had the night before in the pub and he listened without m
aking comment. When I finished, he finally said something.
I said you?d need my approval, but I didn?t approve it.
Dave! What d?you mean?
I wanted to discuss it with Harry first. We didn?t agree anything last night you
just told me what you wanted to do. I didn?t agree to it.
What do you mean? You said you?d e-mail Legal this morning. You said you would go
and see them to sort this out.
You?re mistaken, Penny, he said.
His stubbornness was mirrored by the rigidity in his body. He was standing next
to his desk. His fists were clenched as he spoke. My mood changed from one of co
nfusion to concern. I couldn?t understand why he was behaving this way. What was
he playing at?
Well, whatever Dave! I said. I just dropped by to say that I?ve sorted it anyway. M
ike is moving in tonight.
What?
Dave was acting so strangely that I felt like asking why, but I confined myself
to the issue in hand.
He?s moving in tonight, I said again.
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But we haven?t sorted out a contract yet. You haven?t given him any keys, have yo
u?
Yes, I have. And I?ve sorted out the contract.
He looked defensive and angry.
How? he said, almost shouting. I need to sign it. You haven?t signed it yourself?
 No! I answered.
It was my turn to feel defensive.
So how d?you sort it? he asked with a tone bordering on aggression.
I got someone else to sign it because I couldn?t find you.
You went around me?
No, I didn?t go around you?, I couldn?t find you so I got Harry to sign.
Dave looked at me, clearly irritated. I wondered if something might have happene
d at the hospital.
Don?t do it again! he said finally.
On another occasion I would have challenged him, but I wanted to retreat. His be
haviour was strange and my evening engagement so much more inviting. He was spea
king to me like a child. That was so out of character I decided to give him the
benefit of the doubt. He must have had a very bad day.
Okay, I said. Without saying goodbye, I left the room.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 37
It took us less time than expected to move Mike?s stuff. As the flat was partly
furnished, he needed to take only a few easily transportable things, plus his cl
othes, bedding, computer, hi-fi and a portable television. With four helpers and
four cars, we quickly filled each of them up, drove to the new flat, unloaded a
nd had four glasses of champagne on the table before the 7pm.
Sally raised her glass.
To new beginnings, she announced.
We all dutifully raised our glasses and clinked them together.
To new beginnings!
I noticed myself glancing in Mike?s direction repeatedly. Sometimes he would loo
k back and acknowledge my interest, but at other times he would remain engaged i
n conversation with John and Sally. I initially felt out of place amongst such c
lose friends, but they took care to include me in their conversation. As the eve
ning wore on I felt more and more relaxed. By nine o?clock, after we had consume
d a pizza-takeaway and several bottles of wine, Sally stood up and raised her gl
ass.
Penny, she started. This man here ., she lost her balance for a moment as the drink be
gan to affect her. She quickly regrouped and continued, .this man saved my life.
Mike?s eyes looked downward as he shook his head and laughed.
Yes he did! Yes he did! I don?t mean he saved my life like he rescued me from dea
th or anything. I mean that he rescued me in here.
She pointed to her heart with a finger and kept stabbing herself as she laughed.
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Mike?s eyes looked everywhere but towards me and I sensed that he wished Sally w
ould shut up.
Don?t you look around the place like that! she barked at Mike. You?re one of life?s
superheroes.
Mike threw up a hand to discard her remark.
I don?t think Dave would see it like that , answered Mike. Come on Sal, sit down love
and rejoin the party.
Sod Dave! she said. He and his stinking brother can rot in hell for all I care.
This outburst and the mention of Dave?s name fired my curiosity but in my drunke
n state I was more interested in giving Sally some sisterly support.
You leave er alone, you! I said boldly. If she wants to praise you, let er!
As Sally sat down, I stood up. Her boldness had made me bold and I wanted to say
my piece as well. I wobbled momentarily as I raised my glass to John.
This man, I said looking at him.
I decided to mimic Sally so I feigned a stumble.
This man saved my career!
John smiled back and raised his glass to me in appreciation.
Did he? Well, I never, responded Sally. How d?ee do that?
I was feeling liberated so I let my feelings spill out. As I spoke I looked deep
into John?s eyes. I wanted him in no doubt how special he was to me.
Well firstly, he helped me see something that I couldn?t see. When he did that .(hi
c) .
Everybody laughed as I struggled to articulate what I felt.
.he stopped me causing this man
Friends or Lovers
I quickly glanced at Mike before continuing
any more upset and pain.
Mike?s embarrassed look left his face and was replaced by one of genuine surpris
e.
I was about to do one of the most stupid things I?d ever done, and I would?ve don
e so if my good friend John who I will now love forever .., as these words spilled
out my hand instinctively moved to cover my mouth.
Ah shit! What the hell, I said and then continued. This man ..this man .this man .
As I stood there, the other three giggled away, but in my mind a whole world of
understanding descended on me and I felt completely overwhelmed. Before I knew i
t there were tears in my eyes and I was struggling to talk. John noticed and sta
rted to get up but I put my hand up to stop him. I did not understand what was h
appening to me, but I knew that I had more to say so I gathered myself and start
ed to find the words.
.this man , as the words formed in my head a single tear started to roll down one of
my cheeks.
Penny, said John, you don?t have to say this.
I looked at him and was overcome with such feelings of love and affection that I
put my hand up again.
John, I do. I do have to say it and I want these two to listen.
He sat down again and with a resigned look, braced himself for what he thought I
was going to say.
.this man did more than save my career.
Penny! John interrupted again. You don?t have to. Really you don?t.
I laughed as I realised just how comfortable I suddenly felt.
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Shut up, you ..you ..arsehole! I said with a smile. You?ve had this coming to you for a
long time so don?t spoil it.
Sally and Mike were transfixed as they witnessed this intimate exchange.
Since when did you two get so close? asked Mike.
You shut up too, you arsehole, and I?ll tell you!
Sally creased up with laughter when I called Mike an arsehole, and John gave a s
hort chuckle and relaxed in his chair.
You men, honestly! Never know when to shut up .
As I spoke, I giggled at the comedy that was taking place.
Right! This man , and this time I paused for effect more than anything else, taught m
e how to feel again.
John obviously felt that I was going to tell him again how much I loved him, so
this caught him by surprise.
For the last 10 years, I?ve known a series of jerks and losers and none of them e
ver made me actually want to know them. You John, you changed all that. I don?t
know how you did it but you made me take an interest in living again. I mean rea
lly living not just have a job and exist. I?ve been a bad girl, me. I?m the sort
of person your mother warned you about. Good as gold at work, but a vixen at ni
ght who stalks and preys on vain and needy men to satisfy her own vanity and nee
diness. What I?ve done while at conferences would fill the pages of a Jackie Col
lins novel! But you, John
I fixed my eyes and aggressively pointed my finger at him.
you made me want to behave!
Sally and Mike creased up with laughter as I fired my double barrel. John looked
less worried and began to take in what I was saying. I had them all where I wan
ted them now, so I continued
Friends or Lovers
with the performance and grew in confidence. As Mike?s giggles subsided, the vix
en started to return and my gaze left John and fixed on Mike. Mike starred back
at me and for a few seconds we were transfixed by each other.
 You, on the other hand ., I said conjuring up the sexiest look I could muster, are the
most difficult, stubborn and surprising person I?ve ever met. And one more thing
I held up both hands to stop them interrupting.
You make me want to be bad again!
When I said this, Sally?s giggles subsided and it was John who creased up with l
aughter. He roared and clapped. Sally, despite her feelings, started to join in
too. Mike, on the other hand, grinned to himself contentedly. Then, he got up, c
ame over and gave me a hug.
You make me want to be bad too! he whispered in my ear.
And then he pulled away, walking backward, and kept his eyes on me while he sat
down in his chair. I knew. In that moment, I knew. If I had thought that John ha
d helped me to feel again, it was nothing compared with the tidal wave that engu
lfed my being on hearing these words. Suddenly all the other sounds in the room
seemed to go silent and every fibre and nerve-ending in my body was focussed on
Mike?s eyes and mouth. A few moments later I felt a tingle rush through my body
and I had to shut my eyes and wait until it passed. It was the most exquisite fe
eling I had ever known, better than any orgasm, better than any drug. Was this l
ove? Was this lust? In that moment I was touched by my own humanity. This was li
ving. I blew Mike a kiss then sat down. A modest contented grin was etched onto
his face and we both knew what was going to happen. There was not a force in the
world that was going to stop it.
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It took me a few moments to notice that Sally had climbed onto John?s knee and w
as kissing his forehead.
As for this one, she started to say, he?s been a bad boy a few times, haven?t you m
y dear?
Now it was my turn to crease up with laughter. I pointed at John and shouted at
him.
You sly old dog, you! And there was me thinking you were a devoted and loyal husb
and!
You are mixing me up with Mike! he said.
Mike raised his glass to John in appreciation but when I glanced at Mike, and he
glanced back, the thought ran through my mind that his loyalty was coming to an
end.
Sally? I quizzed.
Sally looked at me. She did not need to say anything. She and John were lovers.
John! How long has this been going on?
He looked at me half-embarrassed.
How else do you think I got to know all the stuff that was going on in his life? h
e quipped firing a glance at Mike.
But I thought he told you? I responded.
He?s too damn loyal for his own good, answered John. He was so loyal to this sweet
woman that he nearly destroyed his marriage. Then he was so loyal to Elona that
he nearly destroyed his career.
I was laughing again. All my inhibitions regarding John vanished. Suddenly his r
esistance made sense. It was not only his family that he was protecting; it was
Sally. He was not the paragon of virtue I had believed him to be.
And there was I thinking that you are a family man, I joked.
Friends or Lovers
He is, darling, said Sally. He?s frustratingly devoted to his wife and children.
I remembered the recent phone call.
You told her, didn?t you?
Yes, and you called me right in the middle of it! She thought you were Sally and
started wrecking the house. That?s why I had to go.
Why did you tell her?
I wanted to stay at Sally?s while working on this contract.
I got up from my chair, offered my hand to John, and asked Sally if I could borr
ow him for a minute. She consented, so I grabbed him and led him roughly across
the living room and out of the flat. Whether it was the drink, the situation, or
the knowledge that he was weak with women, I was not going to waste this moment
.
Right you! I said. This is the one and only chance you will ever get to kiss me bec
ause by midnight tonight I?m going to be off the market.
As I said these words, I pressed myself up against him, put my hands around his
buttocks and pulled him close.
You have no idea ., he said.
Oh yes I have , I replied.
Our lips met, gently parted, and our tongues touched. As my hand slipped under h
is shirt and felt his strong body, his hands clutched my behind. We pulled each
other close and snogged until we both sensed that enough was enough.
One day soon, I said to him, I want to talk about this. You must have known how muc
h I wanted you. Why did you resist me?
He looked at me and draped his arms around my neck.
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Sally is not the only woman that I?ve given in to - there has been one other. But
with you, it was different somehow. Being with you was enough.
I stroked his face. He did not have to explain how he felt. Just being with him
had been enough for me too.
I love you, John, I said. That?s what I thank you for the most. You are the first m
an, after my father, that I?ve not been afraid to love. If you saved me?, that?s
how you did it. You made it possible for me to love again.
And I love you too, Penny. You?re the first woman I?ve not had to sleep with to k
eep interested. With others, if they thought I was not intending to sleep with t
hem, they would lose interest. You liked me from the moment we met, even after I
told you I wouldn?t make a pass at you. That made you special. Very special.
What about Sally?
If I?d not slept with Sally, I?d have lost her. I?m fond of her and she was in a
state after Mike returned to his wife. She was, not surprisingly, very needy. I
was there, Mike was gone. That was the price of continued friendship.
She?s certainly a looker, I said.
Yes, but it?s not that. It was hard for her to leave her husband. I was part of h
er recovery, I think.
I nodded as I spoke.
You look after her and I?ll look after you.
He laughed and held hands.
You have yourself a deal, Penny Leyton.
How are things with your wife?
They?re okay. This isn?t the first time for either of us. Things changed some yea
rs back. When the kids were both at
Friends or Lovers
school she started working again. We drifted apart and she had an affair. We wor
ked things through but a lot changed. I admitted to her that I?d thought of havi
ng an affair as well. We found that we both liked the idea of more freedom. Soon
after, I took the plunge. Then I met Sally through Mike and gave in again! My w
ife and I are still good friends. She?s a lovely woman and, thankfully, we?re ab
le to get past blaming each other. I admire her more than when we first married
but the exclusivity has been lost. There?s no way to get it back so things have
changed. The kids are older now. I?m travelling much more. We both get lonely. W
hen we are together we still have a fabulous time.
D?you think you?ll have a house in one piece when you get home? I quipped.
We both love the kids. There?s no reason to divorce. Sally won?t marry me. She ho
lds a torch for Mike and likes having her own place. I?m just a temporary distra
ction for her.
But you need somewhere that?s a home. You don?t want to just drift between places
like a visitor?
With my work, Penny, my whole life?s like that. I travel for days, sometimes week
s, at a time. This is a long contract and it?ll be lovely to spend time with Sal
ly. A nomadic life suits me and I have friends and nests in many places. Maybe I
can sleep in your nest occasionally?
I smiled. That was a lovely thought and I warmed to it.
 As long as you behave, I said.
Not so white as white, am I? I hope you aren?t disappointed.
Don?t worry, lover. You?re secret is safe with me.
With this exchange of words we made our pact. I was determined to hold onto his
love. We hugged again but this time
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it was devoid of sexual passion. It was almost as if we were saying goodbye and
hello at the same time.
I thought of Sally and Mike and how everyone thought they had been lovers. It wo
uld be John and I that others would mistake now. But when I thought about it, we
had become lovers of a sort. There was now such a deep intimacy, a bond as stro
ng as I?d ever known. It would be our joke just as it had been for Sally and Mik
e - that acquaintances would misunderstand.
I remembered John?s words that there was no such thing as a non-sexual relations
hip between men and women, only ones where they chose not to have sex. Our relat
ionship was now like that. We both understood our attraction to each other. We k
new that sex would be there if we ever both needed and wanted it at the same tim
e. But I didn?t care either way the most important thing was to protect the trus
t.
As for the rest of the evening, Sally retired to one of the bedrooms with John.
I retired to the other with Mike. Sleeping with Mike for the first time was, wit
hout question, the most special moment of one of the most extraordinary days of
my life. The memory is like a precious stone, a priceless treasure that sparkles
. I hope you will forgive me for shielding it from gossip that would corrupt it.
This diamond is mine, and mine alone.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 38
I went into work the next day on a tremendous high. Suddenly all those soppy rom
ance novels, movies, and songs made sense and I realised people were not simply
making it up. Every few minutes I would pause to think of the future. To have wa
ited nearly 33 years to discover this! Suddenly I understood why people could fa
ll apart when their partner leaves, or how a husband or wife might feel driven t
o murder after discovering the other was having an affair. If anybody tried to s
teal Mike from me, I felt capable of doing anything. As I sensed these feelings,
I was astonished and frightened, worried and pleased at the passion I felt.
As I settled down to my computer to retrieve my e-mails, there was an apology fr
om Dave.
From: dave.stockton@innovation.co.uk
To: penny.leyton@innovation.co.uk
Subject: Sorry
Pen,
Sorry about yesterday. I was irritable and too harsh. Can you forgive me?
I answered immediately.
Dave,
Don t worry about it. We all have off days. Is there anything we need to follow up
after the product launch?
I was pleased that Dave apologised because that was how I expected him to be. Ev
en though I felt like telling him (and the whole world) what had happened the ni
ght before, it would have been imprudent and insensitive.
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There was a knock at the door and Phil was standing with a cup of coffee.
You don?t have sugar, right? he asked.
This was a surprise. Phil did not usually make coffee unless I asked.
Thank you. That?s very sweet of you.
Have to keep the boss happy! he joked.
No need to do that today, I?m happy enough for both of us, I responded.
Phil looked up and my smile told him all he needed to know.
Bloody hell, Penny. That was fast work.
Hard to believe it myself, I said.
Don?t tell me ..you ..?
I just kept silent and smirked enough for him to work out that he was right.
Don?t you go blurting this around the place. Keep it under wraps for now, okay?
Okay. But I can?t see this staying a secret for long, Phil said.
If any rumours start, I want them to come from me.
Sure thing, boss! he said sarcastically.
Okay. What have you got for me?
Elona?s off sick again. That?s the third time in two weeks. She?s over the 10-day
mark and her manager is asking if you?ll visit.
Elona! I had forgotten about her in all the excitement.
I guess that?s a good idea. Have you called her?
Yes. No answer.
Hmm. Strange. Okay, give me the address and I?ll go round. No answer from her par
ents?
No. They?ll probably be in the shop.
Friends or Lovers
Yes, of course.
* * *
I drove to Elona?s flat and rang the bell. There was no reply so I entered the s
hop and spoke to her mother.
She?s up there but we can?t get her out of bed. All weekend, all last night, just
crying and crying. We?re worried sick.
I asked them to let me in. Her mother led me though the shop and up the stairs.
Elona! Elona, love! she shouted, there?s someone here to see you .
There was silence, so her mother gently opened the door of her room and a crumpl
ed figure lay in the bed asleep.
Oh the pet! said her mother. She?s cried herself to sleep. What do you want to do?
Can I stay here a bit, maybe make her a drink, wake her up and chat.
Feel free, my dear. We?re at our wits end. Don?t know what to do. We?ll be in the
shop.
I sat with Elona for fifteen minutes before stirring myself to go to the kitchen
. I took the liberty of putting together breakfast-in-bed. Having played hide an
d seek with the butter, bread, plates and bowls, I finally assembled something t
hat looked appetising.
Elona? I said gently as I rocked her shoulder.
She turned around and after a moment of confusion she saw the breakfast tray.
You?ve been busy!
Yes. You looked like you could do with something.
What?re you doing here? she asked.
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I?m finding out how you are. Nobody at work could contact you. We were worried.
She sat up in bed and I gave her the tray.
This is kind of you.
Just part of the job. Don?t make me into a saint, I responded.
No. This is kind of you.
Earlier in my career I might have believed that these visits were out the kindne
ss of the company?s heart but over the years I had come to realise that this was
just another way to ensure that people did not take the piss and bunk off work.
And yet I did feel concern for her so I accepted her thanks.
Your mum and dad say you?ve been upset.
As I looked at her face, I could see the tear stains around her eyes. Without ma
ke-up she looked quite different, but still had a girlish charm. She looked at m
e sorrowfully and tried to talk but nothing coherent came out. Eventually, she s
tarted to nod and the tears began to flow as she tucked into her toast and cup o
f tea. I did not try to start a conversation and just sat next to her. It is har
d watching someone sink into the depths of despair.
We sat there while she finished her breakfast and then she thanked me again.
You didn?t have to come, she commented.
Elona. I won?t kid you. I?m here because you?ve been off work for 10 days this ye
ar and it is my job to be here. At the same time I do care what happens to you a
nd if there?s a way I can help then I will. Have you seen a doctor?
She gave a dismissive laugh.
He?ll just say I?m depressed and give me some drugs. I don?t want that.
I?m sure they?ll do what?s best.
Friends or Lovers
At this comment Elona looked at me angrily.
I said I don t want that. Did you not hear me?
The sharpness of her tone took me aback and I realised that perhaps she was not
quite the shrinking violet that I had previously thought.
Yes. I heard you, I said. What then? I asked.
Nothing, she said. I?m nothing. Nobody likes me. Nobody. I?m useless, completely fu
cking useless, a waste of space, a zero, a failure.
I listened with patience. In the back of my mind, I recalled the many conversati
ons I?d had with John. I wondered if he might be able to help. At the moment, ho
wever, I was on my own and had to do the best I could.
I need you, I said.
You don?t need me. Administrators are ten-a-penny.
It was my turn to show a bit of aggression.
Don?t give me that crap. I?ve seen your file and you?ve earned that position. The
re are people at work who believe in you.
My efforts were not rewarded.
I don?t give a shit. It?s all meaningless.
Why? I asked.
I?m useless. Nobody likes me.
Is this to do with Nathan?
At this remark she turned toward me and I could see the rage building in her fac
e. Even though she was slightly built I began to feel a bit afraid. She looked l
ike she was going to explode, so I started to clear the tray and returned to the
kitchen. As I walked out of the room a torrent of abuse showered my back as
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she screamed the place down about Nathan, her parents, her ex-boyfriend, Mike, w
ork, me, Phil. We had all ruined her life.
I tried to remain calm but it was difficult. When I returned from the kitchen I
held out my hand and surprisingly she took it. She turned onto her side and wept
again. I sat with her for another quarter of an hour, motionless except for the
occasional stroke of her face.
Elona. I need to go now. There are a couple of people I want to talk to and then
I?ll be back. Do you understand?
She made no movement so I repeated the question and she gave a nod of her head.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 39
For the rest of the day, I busied myself. My first port of call was John. He was
in a meeting with Jo, but he agreed to take a break at mid-day and chat to me i
n the canteen. Next I went to see Mike. As I walked through the door, he smiled
at me as if it was any other day at work. Even though I was there on business, I
felt myself get aroused as I moved closer toward him.
Hello .err .Penny! he said slightly stiffly. What can I do for you?
Can I speak to you in private? I asked.
Anything in particular you want to speak about? he enquired.
Elona! I said in response and suddenly he dropped the formality and whispered in m
y ear.
.and there was I hoping you wanted to shag me in the toilets .
I whispered back.
..I do, but this has to come first .
He pulled his head away and I noticed there was a bulge in his trousers.
Better do something about that! I said with a smile, looking down towards his crot
ch.
Any ideas? he replied.
Plenty, but none that I can act on here, I said.
If there was a cold shower somewhere, I?d go and have one.
We?ve got to keep a lid on it at work, I said.
He nodded and even though I felt like dragging him into the nearest broom cupboa
rd for a quickie, I managed to calmly lead him into his own office.
Okay. What is it? he asked as soon as I closed the door.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Elona needs somewhere to stay.
Elona? What?s the problem now?
The same problem. I visited her and she?s in a right state. I?ll talk to John lat
er, but I think she needs some space to herself.
What d?you have in mind?
I gave a half smile and got ready to ask him, but he anticipated me.
You?re not thinking ..Jeez! I?ve only just got you to myself. Is it really that urg
ent?
Well actually, I wanted to know how you felt about the idea. It?s technically you
r place. I can?t act without your consent. I?m not sure it?d be a good idea anyw
ay.
Elona and I have always got on well. I don?t hold what happened against her. She
was upset and I was there so she took it out on me. We were always friends befor
e and I?m sure we will be again.
Does that mean you?d be okay if she moved into the other room?
It?s going to look very odd, Penny? he said.
Of course, if you want to get back with your wife . I proffered.
He looked surprised at my remark.
Are you checking me out? he queried.
My hand instinctively jumped to my mouth. I could hardly believe what I?d said a
nd started to apologise profusely. He walked over and silenced me with a kiss.
Stop! People will see, I protested.
Let them! he said.
I allowed him to kiss me briefly but stopped him when I felt my passion rising.
Friends or Lovers
I?ll tell her .I?ll tell her that she can move in next weekend if she wants.
Why next weekend? he asked.
I lent over and spoke quietly into his ear
Because this week I?m going to fuck your brains out every night!
And with that remark, I turned to leave the room.
I?m all yours, he said with a big grin.
One of his staff had noticed our kiss and by lunchtime a rumour was making its w
ay around the offices. As I sat with John in the canteen, one of the reps came u
p and congratulated me. I played it cool by asking what for? I talked to John abou
t my idea and he concurred that a move to the flat might be helpful to Elona.
When I returned in the afternoon, Elona was up and dressed. She took the news of
the flat offer in her stride and did not seem to show any great enthusiasm. She
promised to think about it and let me know the next day. I told her again that
there were people at work who cared.
When I got back to the office, the rumour about myself and Mike had spread to Ph
il.
Not a word passed my lips! said Phil as I brought him a cup of tea.
Already? I asked.
What did you do send out a company wide e-mail?
No, just a little kiss in his office, I replied.
May as well have sent out an e-mail! he retorted with a chuckle.
Oh well! It?s out now.
Phil looked at me warmly.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I?m happy for you, he said.
* * *
At my desk, I decided to have one last trawl through my e-mails in case Dave had
replied.
Subject: Sorry
Pen,
I just wanted to say that the thought of you testing the SHARE experience persona
lly is definitely something to dream about at night!! I look forward to a blow-by
-blow description of your experiences.
Dave x
I sat for 30 minutes while thoughts burned my mind, crashing and spinning out of
control. Beads of sweat formed over my body and face. With every passing minute
, my heart sank slowly into the quicksand of despair, and the clarity I had brou
ght to work evaporated as my mind felt like it was turning to treacle. Where on
earth had this come from? As I tried to find answers to impossible questions, th
e high spirits that had kept me aloft all day dissolved. By 4.30pm Phil found me
slumped at my desk.
What?s up, Penny?
I swivelled my screen around so he could read the e-mail. After a few moments, j
ust two words sprang forth from his lips.
Oh fuck!
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 40
Instead of going home, I returned to Mike?s flat. I think he expected me to jump
him as I walked through the door, but after receiving Dave?s e-mail, my mind wa
s preoccupied. Now I had a personal problem it dawned on me that I hardly knew h
im. Could I talk to him? What if I scared him off by mentioning it? What if he a
sked questions? Did I really want to explain that I?d told Dave about testing ou
t the SHARE experience? Whichever way my mind went, I could see a potential for
disaster.
I gave him a hug, but the promise to explore the love-making potential of the fl
at was a distant thought. He seemed to take it in his stride and did not press m
e. He made me a cup of coffee, sat with me, watched the television and held my h
and. To others we looked like a regular couple but inside I was full of question
s about how far I could trust him. He went out for bottle of wine and came back
with two. He joked that the second was just in case .
Just in case what? I asked.
Just in case we finish the first one, he answered.
I could tell he was nervous too but he poured us both a glass of wine and we pas
sed the time watching Channel Four News. He sat at one end of the sofa and I put
my head on his lap. Even though we were not speaking, we communicated a lot. Hi
s right hand lay on the side of my face, stroking me. My right hand rested on hi
s knee and every few moments I would caress it and sometimes rub the inside of h
is knee. Intermittently, his left hand would stroke the back of mine and I would
move my head and nestle it even more deeply in his lap. Sometimes, he would sli
de his fingers between mine and hold my hand more tightly - I
Rory Ridley-Duff
would respond by tightening my grip to catch and squeeze his fingers.
As I lay there, a line from a film entered my head.
The little things. There?s nothing bigger is there?
Little what? he answered.
I remember this film. There?s a man standing with a woman and she?s talking about
her husband who has just died. She says to him I miss the little things? and the
man replies ah! .the little things, there?s nothing bigger is there?? Don?t you th
ink that?s a great line?
He smiled and stroked my head again.
Where?s this coming from, Penny? he asked.
Well I was just lying here and our hands are touching, I?m stroking you, you are
stroking me, and these little things mean a lot, don?t they?
I hope so, he said.
I sipped the wine as the TV programme played in the background. I was not really
watching it so I started to ask Mike questions.
Are you going to tell me about your wife? I asked.
Not yet, he said. Plenty of time for that!
It was a small remark, but it gave me confidence that he looked upon me as more
than a fling.
When did you know? I asked.
 Know what? he replied.
Know how you felt about me? I answered.
When I insulted you!
I sat up and looked at him.
What do you mean?
Friends or Lovers
When we were arguing and I called you a stupid woman? and I asked you if you?d eve
r made a pass at a man. Do you remember that?
Yes, I answered. Won?t forget that in a hurry!
Well there I was shouting at you. I can?t remember ever standing up to my wife li
ke that. At work, maybe, but at home I?ve always been quite passive. And there I
was challenging you on whether you had ever made a pass at a man.
Go on, I encouraged.
I was thinking how nice it would be if you made a pass at me.
I laughed out loud because at that moment I would have fed him to the sharks.
You thought of that while we were arguing?
Well, yes, I did. I remember being really angry, then looking at you intently thi
nking that a woman as confident and smart as you would surely have made a pass a
t a man, so the thought came into my head.
I was not sure how to react. Before I had time to think, he?d asked me the same
question.
When did you know? he asked.
I thought and went back over my mind.
Well, I think there were two moments. Firstly, when you asked why women let men t
hink they rule the world. I?d always pegged you as old fashioned and that comple
tely took me back. Secondly, when you held my gaze and would not look away. That
?s my trick and you stole it from me! You made me go funny inside and I couldn?t
hide from myself that you excited me.
Do you remember when we first met? he asked.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I tried to recollect but I couldn?t.
Tell me, I commanded.
I was with Dave. He?d been bitching about Harry insisting on your appointment. He
told me to watch out for you because you were a ball breaker?
He said that! I exclaimed.
He didn?t want you in the company. He preferred the other candidate, but Harry in
sisted on you.
This came as a surprise. Dave had successfully hidden this from me for nine mont
hs.
Go on, I directed.
Dave and I were chatting and I was about to tell him a sexual joke. He said to be
careful because of you. Anyway, I started the joke then stopped when I saw you
walking toward us.
My God! I remember now, I interjected.
I annoyed you, didn?t I? commented Mike.
I thought back.
Yes. Yes, you did. I pegged you as a paternalistic anti-feminist old git.
Mike laughed.
Why are you laughing? I demanded.
John, he replied.
What about him? I asked.
I was thinking what John would say, he replied. He?d say that I censored myself bec
ause I was afraid of you.
Is that true?
It was Mike?s turn to reflect.
Yes, he said, after a moment.
Why would you be afraid of me when you don?t even know me?
Friends or Lovers
Mike looked me in the eye.
I don?t know any male manager today who?s not afraid of sexual accusations.
 Are you serious?
Mike frowned.
My God, you are! I responded.
I didn?t want your first impression of me to be a bad one.
Well, it was, I?m afraid, I said.
Why? he asked.
Because you didn t tell me the joke.
That?s the problem, he said.
What?s the problem? I asked.
Damned if you do, damned if you don?t.
What do you mean? I queried
If I tell the joke, I?m sexist because I turn women into sex objects. If I don?t
tell the joke, I?m sexist because I?m excluding you.
Was it a good joke? I said trying to lighten the mood.
It was brilliant. One of John?s best.
I thought back to my e-mail exchanges with John.
I can imagine, I replied. Tell me the joke, I said sinking into his lap.
No, he replied.
Without any further words he pulled my face closer. His mouth met mine and we go
t properly reacquainted. We soon finished the first bottle of wine and opened th
e second. If he had been John, a witty remark would have been forthcoming as he
popped the cork, but Mike was quieter and calmer. While he had charm and sex app
eal, he did not routinely crack jokes or flirt when he was alone with me. It was
strangely reassuring.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I had a shock today, I blurted out.
Mike felt no need to press me to explain myself. His body was relaxed and I felt
comfortable opening up to him.
Dave sent me an e-mail that was sexually suggestive, I said.
And?
That?s it, I said.
You?re concerned? he asked.
Well, yes, I am. He?s never done that before.
Too repressed for his own good, he answered.
Too repressed?
Yeah. Comes across as such a nice guy? but underneath beats a heart of appalling m
eanness, he said with considerable force.
I?ve always liked him, I remarked, not absolutely sure how I felt about him now.
Yeah! He behaves great to his favourites or women he fancies. Get on the wrong si
de of him and you?ll discover just what a bastard he can be.
I recalled how Dave had been suspicious of Mike. Clearly the feelings were recip
rocated.
He asked me to find out about you.
Did he really? said Mike with a sarcastic knowing laugh.
Did pretty well, didn?t I? I quipped.
Very well indeed, he answered seductively as his hand moved under my blouse, aroun
d my waist and started to caress the small of my back.
Hmmm. Nice. Do that some more, I said.
Mike obliged but kept talking at the same time.
Dave and I go back a long way, he continued. We joined IC at roughly the same time.
I was his boss back then.
Friends or Lovers
What happened? I asked.
We fell out over Sally, he said.
Sally? I responded with some surprise.
Oh yes. Whenever there is shit in the workplace, there is usually a man and woman
involved!
Cynic! I joked.
Only half the time he answered.
I began to realise that his wit was considerably drier than John?s.
 What about the other half?
Optimist! he said without missing a beat, smiling or wavering for an instant.
You?re teasing me! I answered.
You like being teased, he asserted.
Where did he get these insights from, I wondered.
Get on with your story, I said with mock impatience.
Sally used to be related to Dave.
He paused, as if waiting for me to ask a question.
Are you going to ask how? he continued.
Okay. How?
She was Dave?s sister-in-law.
I suddenly pretended to be stupid.
Oh, Mike. You know how dim women can be. Please explain it for me.
Doesn?t work! he suddenly said.
What?
Doesn?t work! he said again.
What doesn?t work?
The can you explain it to me coz I?m a stupid woman? routine, he replied.
Rory Ridley-Duff
He did not play the way that John played so I tried another approach.
Just get on with the bloody story, will you? I said briskly.
That works! he said with a laugh.
It was beginning to dawn on me that Mike liked to play things straight. He might
not make me laugh as much as John, but his assertive and commanding manner turn
ed me on. With only a moment?s hesitation, he continued and finished the story.
Sally used to be married to Dave?s brother. Dave?s brother used to beat her. You?
ve had this story from John so I?m not sure what else to tell you.
I sat up straight and suddenly the pieces dropped into place.
Say again? I asked.
Sally used to ..
It?s okay I was being rhetorical! I said.
There was just a hint of smile on his face.
What? I asked.
He gave a gesture to indicate that he did not understand.
What are you smiling for? I asked.
You are so sexy when you raise your voice, he answered.
You like it, do you? I queried.
Oh, yes. I like strong direct women, he replied.
Well, my lad, I said, gathering words together in my head. You are going to like me
a lot!
He relaxed a bit and laughed. I could feel my confidence and ardour beginning to
build.
So now you know why he and I are not best buddies, Mike concluded.
Friends or Lovers
I still did not get it completely. He had helped Sally. So what? Then the final
piece of the puzzle clicked into place and I instinctively covered my mouth in s
hock.
He thinks ., I started. He thinks that you ..and Sally.
Yes, he thinks I fucked Sally and broke up his brother?s marriage.
Did you? I asked. The words came out so fast I had no time to retract them.
You don?t need me to answer that, he responded.
No. I don?t. I said.
No wonder Dave had a grudge against Mike! Suddenly my need to tell Mike about Da
ve?s e-mail became more urgent. If Mike and Dave had fallen out once before, the
re could be more unpleasantness.
I want to tell you more, I said.
Okay.
You may not like it, I added.
Still want to hear, he replied.
And out it all came. I told Mike of Dave?s wife, her illness, my fondness for hi
m, that Dave had invited me out after the CIPD event in Birmingham and that we w
ould be staying in the hotel together. When I told him the details of the recent
e-mail exchanges, I began to wonder whether I had been completely blind. Whatev
er Dave felt when he recruited me, I thought he was getting ready to make a move
on me. What would Dave do if he found that I was sleeping with Mike?
Maybe we should deny our relationship? I suggested.
He has to know sometime, Mike replied.
Just try to look at this from his perspective, I insisted. You and I are at loggerh
eads. You leave your wife after a big row
Rory Ridley-Duff
with me in the workplace. I find you a company flat to move into. Then it comes
out that we are sleeping together. How does that look to you? Dave behaved stran
gely at the pub the other night. The following morning he didn?t want to sign th
e contract for this flat. Later he and I had our first angry words. I don?t want
to take the risk, Mike!
Having felt a bit dim a moment before, I suddenly felt quite clever.
What did he say, again? asked Mike.
I repeated the recent e-mail exchanges with Dave.
He must have taken your message as encouragement . Mike pointed out.
I didn?t mean it like that. I was just being polite after the hasty exit the nigh
t before.
You? Polite? he teased again.
I gave him a playful shove and he shoved me back with a deadpan face. When I did
not respond, he gave me another shove and I realised he wanted to play. So I sh
oved him off the sofa, got up and ran away. For the next 10 minutes he chased me
all over the flat until he managed to corner me in the bathroom. As I backed up
against the wall, his strong frame moved towards me and my screams gave way to
giggles, then my giggles gave way to a low pitched moaning as I suddenly felt hi
s hand between my legs and his hot breath on my neck.
That was the first of many times we made love there. The next day Elona decided
she wanted to move in and with only a few days of freedom, Mike and I made the m
ost of our freedom. After she moved in, we used my flat as a new base. Never in
my life had I enjoyed such passion and intimacy with a man. Within a month neith
er of us had any secrets left to tell.
Friends or Lovers
Despite the generation gap, we started to talk extensively about politics (offic
e and otherwise). I listened to his experiences as a father, he listened to my m
emories of childhood. I learnt of his dreams and fantasies, he learnt of mine. M
any joint dreams were born. The threads of our lives intertwined and bonds were
woven into a fabric so strong that I could not imagine them ever breaking. If ou
r first night together was the most special moment of my life, our first month f
elt like a honeymoon that would never end. I savoured every second.
Carole and my parents thought I had disappeared off the face of the earth. John
and Sally occasionally dropped in and we would all go out for a meal. When, towa
rds the end of June, I turned up at my parent?s house for Sunday lunch with Mike
in tow, we announced that he would be moving into my flat. Even as they express
ed surprise, they accepted and welcomed this development and all quietly congrat
ulated me. Privately Mike and I had discussed that if we enjoyed living together
, he might file for divorce so we could marry. But publicly nobody, not even Joh
n and Sally, knew of our plans.
To call this a whirlwind romance does not do it justice. For sure our relationship
took off at quite a pace, but we were never a lovely-dovey couple. Our conversa
tions were realistic and grounded, our plans firm and concrete, and our love-mak
ing was varied and passionate. But throughout all this, for all the intense time
s we spent together, for all the future plans we mapped out, for all the commitm
ents we made, the words I love you never passed our lips.
Carole phoned me daily after Mike and I had appeared for lunch at my parents. I
talked to her of the things we had done together, but never of our future aspira
tions. At the end of each
Rory Ridley-Duff
phone call she would say I?m really happy for you and gradually I began to see wha
t it was that bound she and Chris together. We talked about her forthcoming wedd
ing and the preparations. I apologised for not getting more involved but she ass
ured me that mum was on top of everything. All I needed to do was to turn up, sp
eech in hand, make everybody laugh and be beautiful. I broke the news to her tha
t I would have to pass up the opportunity of shagging the best man.
To my surprise, the rumours at work died quickly and did not spread further. Dav
e, fortunately, did not learn of our relationship and Mike and I managed to keep
our contact low-key and light-hearted. If people knew, there was a conspiracy o
f silence. The only person I updated from time to time was Phil. He, in turn, to
ld me about people that he fancied. Like true professionals, we remained the ver
y souls of discretion.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 41
The prospect of going to the CIPD event with Dave was something that I came to d
read. While we still worked together well on a professional level, our personal
relationship had cooled. Neither of us spoke about the situation with his wife o
r his admission that he fantasised about me. Even if he had said it as a joke, I
felt that raising it with him was too risky. In the back of my mind I wondered
whether it was wise to say nothing. I was conscious that my probationary period
was coming to an end and Dave would decide my future. So far as I could tell, co
nfirmation was a formality but this new situation meant that I could no longer t
ake my appointment for granted.
Following the launch of the SHARE experience, I met Sam and Elaine again (with D
ave) to organise the recruitment of more support staff. Mike, as sales manager f
or the domestic market, also met Sam and Elaine regularly to develop marketing s
trategies. I would join them for drinks and found that I particularly enjoyed El
aine?s company. Her background in sociology and international business was diffe
rent to mine, but there was sufficient common ground to compare perspectives.
As a group, we developed too. John knew Elaine from academic conferences so all
six of us started going out weekly for meals. The story of how Mike and I got to
gether became something of a party piece. After much drinking we playfully acted
out the battle-axe and gentle man confronting each other angrily while an unspo
ken mutual passion was developing. We exaggerated, of course, and many side-stor
ies and alternative plot lines were elaborated.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Elaine became the first person to learn of my private aspiration to marry Mike.
We would take lunch together and have girly chats. She had also been a human res
ources manager before advancing her education. After obtaining an MBA she took u
p a senior management post at the engineering company where Sam had been working
. It was her interest in his engineering, and the company?s ignorance of its pot
ential, that spurred their close relationship. Their close working relationship
evolved into a personal one.
They married secretly and this triggered a hostile reaction from some board memb
ers. They decided to establish a new company for Sam to continue working on his
ideas. For the last 5 years they had developed their product line. It had been a
struggle but the relationship with IC was a breakthrough. This enabled them to
expand their market and leverage in considerable financial investment. After all
their hard work, they were beginning to achieve security both for themselves an
d the company.
On the day of the CIPD conference, I arranged to go with her to Birmingham befor
ehand to buy an evening dress. She picked me up about 10am and we made our way u
p the motorway.
So what you going to get? Elaine asked.
Not sure. I love sexy outfits, but as I?m going with Dave I don?t want to send ou
t the wrong signals.
Get something you can wear for other occasions as well! said Elaine.
I guess. I look good in tight black dresses but perhaps that would be too risqué.
Is there such a thing? she asked.
Friends or Lovers
 Depends, surely. I could hardly wear something like that to work!
She glanced at me and we laughed at the thought.
Men use their power when it suits them. We shouldn?t be embarrassed about using o
urs, she answered.
I nodded and she carried on.
Don?t know about you love, but I don?t have millions stashed away to bring in the
punters. But I do have a lovely pair of legs, great boobs and a sharp brain.
Killer combination, I quipped. Just ask Erin Brockovich.
You better believe it!
And with our sights set on the shops, lunch, coffee and chocolate cake, she gave
out a loud Yee-haw! and put her foot down on the accelerator as if she was about
to drive off the cliff in Thelma & Louise. Her Porsche 911 accelerated quickly a
nd my body pressed back into the seat, flushed with shock and excitement. After
a few seconds, she took her foot off the gas and cruised into Birmingham at 90mp
h.
I found a lovely black dress, elegant with a cut that was suggestive without bei
ng too daring. It hung at the knee and had a waist that was gathered with a belt
that was covered in ethnic beads. A matching necklace and earrings completed th
e vision.
After shopping, we retired for coffee and cake.
Chocolate delight! They weren?t kidding were they? I said as I tucked away another
slice and sipped on my café latte.
If only men tasted as good! said Elaine.
Some of them do, I quipped.
You?ll have to introduce me, she replied.
She was irrepressible, irresponsible and exuded a freedom than I?d never witness
ed at close quarters. She reminded me of John.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I could see why they had become friends and I secretly wondered if perhaps she w
as the other woman? to whom he had once given in?. My new circle of friends gradua
lly brought me out of my shell. I talked more about my thoughts and feelings to
Mike, Elaine and John than to everyone else in the whole of my life. My sense of
well-being grew. I found an emotional security that reminded me of my early chi
ldhood.
We said our farewells and departed to attend to our respective tasks. The CIPD e
vent went off well. After an opening key speech, we were split into workgroups f
or role-play exercises that covered recent legislative changes. Of particular co
ncern were provisions regarding temporary and part-time staff. Their employment
rights had been strengthened, but many organisations still did not grasp the ful
l impact. Various scenarios were introduced on video, then pairs of people acted
out one-to-one meetings between an employee and personnel officer. Others made
notes and gave feedback on the legality (or otherwise) of their intended actions
.
I sat with Dave during the keynote speech but we were separated for the group se
ssions. After a question and answer panel, and closing comments, we adjourned an
d were asked to come back at around 7.30pm for the dinner. Dave and I checked in
to the hotel and agreed to meet in the bar about 6.30pm. As I retired to my room
I began to realise that for the first time I found myself struggling to find th
ings to say to him. Nagging at the back of my mind was the possibility that he m
ight be harbouring feelings for me. I showered, pampered myself with goodies fro
m my overnight bag, then sat in front of the mirror applying my face.
Friends or Lovers
At 6.30 I made my way down to the bar. Dave was chatting and laughing with the b
arman.
Here she is! he said. Doesn?t she look fabulous?
A compliment is almost obligatory when a woman presents herself in a new frock s
o I acknowledged and dismissed the remark. Perhaps I should have complimented hi
m too but I didn?t.
What would you like? asked Dave.
Thanks, Dave. I?ll have a rum and black.
He duly ordered and the barman said he would bring it to our table. Given the oc
casion, and the prospect of spending the whole evening together, I felt I should
broach the subject of his wife.
How are things at home? I asked.
She?s stable, he responded.
I expected more than this, but nothing was forthcoming. He smiled gently at me b
ut it only increased my nervousness.
Here you are ma?am, said the barman as he delivered the drink. He presented the ti
ll slip for Dave to sign.
I don?t suppose it matters who signs it, he said looking at me.
The barman looked surprised but took the hint and gave me the bill. I signed it
and gave it back to him.
Thank you, ma?am! he said with appropriate emphasis.
Barman? I said boldly. He turned to face me again. You can call me, Penny! I?m not
the queen.
Thank you, Penny! he said and we both smiled.
Dave looked slightly flustered.
That was a bit familiar?, wasn?t it? Do you know him?
No. I was just being polite.
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I wondered if we were in for a bad tempered night.
You shouldn?t be too familiar with bar staff, Penny.
You were, I answered, immediately recalling that Dave was laughing with the barman
when I entered.
Just don?t, Penny, he said defensively.
Oh lighten up, Dave, I said dismissively.
Don?t use that tone with me, he said.
Dave, I started, I don?t want to fall out with you. But please don?t tell me how to
behave towards people when I?m not at work.
You are at work, Penny. You?re representing the company here.
And I was doing it splendidly, being polite to the hotel staff, I said.
You were flirting with the barman, he said sternly.
A bubble of rage formed in the pit of my stomach but I managed to contain it.
Dave? I said.
Yes, Penny?
Up yours! I said, holding my drink aloft.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. I felt so awkward that I got up and went ba
ck to my room. I began to panic. That was a really dumb thing to do with my appr
aisal only a few weeks away so I phoned Mike on my mobile. At first he laughed,
which made me all the more cantankerous, but he managed to calm me down. At the
end of the conversation, however, I was none the wiser whether I should apologis
e or not. I decided that it would be stupid not to. First, however, I decided to
see if table places had been set.
Friends or Lovers
In the dining room I met Jules, the conference manager, who showed me to a priva
te bar and the seating plan for the evening. It had been turned into a charity e
vent so the 50 participants were swelled with another 200 people for the dinner.
Husbands and wives joined the delegates and professional bodies had been invite
d for the evening speakers and networking opportunities. I had been allocated a
place next to Dave so I asked Jules if I could sit elsewhere. Using her mobile s
he called reception and about ten minutes later a man came through with an amend
ed seating plan.
Thank you, I said, I really appreciate this.
Not too keen on your boss, I take it? she asked.
Not at the moment, no, I answered.
Glad to help, she said with a warm smile.
I thanked Jules then went to the private bar to order another rum and black. Wit
h the prospect of a stressful evening receding, I returned to the main bar.
Dave? I asked.
He turned around and acknowledged me, but there was no smile.
 I?m sorry for earlier. That was rude of me.
Forget it, he said.
I waited for him to give me an apology in return, but none was forthcoming. This
time I went back to the private bar without making a show of my feelings. The s
ea change in our relationship worried me.
The food was well presented but not especially delicious. The service and compan
y, however, were excellent. Waiters and waitresses plied us at regular intervals
with wine and aided the socialisation over dinner. My table included a CEO and
his
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wife, a female entrepreneur and her husband, and three other human resource prof
essionals (two men and a woman). With four men and women around the table, the c
onversation was mixed and lively.
The woman entrepreneur started to talk about one of the speakers. She heard him
once in Scotland. Later they contracted him to assist in the investigation of a
sexual harassment case. She described him as humorous and charming, but with a m
ind and attitude so sharp that you could cut yourself on it. She found him diffi
cult to work with but praised the way he helped staff reconcile their difference
s.
Desserts came and went, coffees were served, and the chatter was eventually inte
rrupted by a clink of glasses as the Chair introduced the fundraiser. It was a t
ypical appeal to emotional sympathies. I felt sickened by the scene of an earnes
t charity worker begging for crumbs at the tables of the rich. I wrote a cheque
for £30 unsure what would be considered an appropriate amount but as I was getting
dinner for free I contributed the cost of the meal to the charity. Even as I di
d it, I felt no virtue. There must be better ways to help the less fortunate tha
n this.
The first speaker was reasonable. The subject matter was more in Dave?s line, bu
t I did see the pros and cons of entrepreneurial behaviour amongst employees. Wh
ile she talked about side-stepping rules and procedures, the CEO at my table jok
ed that if anybody tried that in his place, they?d be out. Controls were there f
or a reason, he said, and had to be followed. I wondered whether he had ever bee
n an accountant.
Our table was a long way from the platform. When the second speaker stood up, I
did not recognise him but there was a touch
Friends or Lovers
of familiarity in his voice. I thought he must be a celebrity off the TV but ann
oyingly one of my dinner companions kept distracting me. The speaker continued.
Thank you. Thank you very much, he said. I hardly recognise myself in those kind wo
rds.
I asked my dinner companion if we could continue our conversation later because
I was particularly keen to hear this speaker. He looked offended, but at last I
was able to focus on the speaker?s words.
I?ve been asked to talk about a subject that most of us think about daily, some o
f us talk about regularly, but which is rarely talked about publicly. It is a su
bject hardly ever discussed in business books. In my view, it exerts more influe
nce over the workplace than any other single thing and is the bedrock of social
organisation both at home and at work. I?m talking, of course, about sexual attr
action and intimacy. Now if you think I?ve come here to talk about bonking in th
e broom cupboard
With most of the audience tipsy, the speaker expected a few giggles and paused.
A few people obliged. Everyone else stopped chatting and started to listen.
..or kissing in the canteen, then you are going to be disappointed. If you?ve come
here to understand how private lives impact on work then you are in the right p
lace.
I noticed that more and more people were sitting up and taking notice. On the to
p table was a jug of water. The speaker paused for a moment and poured himself a
glass.
Always good when they give you a large jug of gin to drink always makes the talk
more interesting, he quipped. If you see them bringing a second jug, then the chan
ces of me telling
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you a story about bonking in the broom cupboard rises considerably!
A slightly larger group laughed at this remark, but one of my dinner companions
just raised their eyebrows and gave a disapproving look.
Talking of stories, he continued, I have a couple for you that I hope will prompt i
nteresting discussion in the bars.
Everybody in the room was now paying attention. He came across as an above avera
ge public speaker.
Not so long ago I was sitting in an airport lounge and an attractive woman called
Patsy glanced in my direction. When they called the flight, Patsy joined the qu
eue and edged her way in front of me.
I laughed out loud as I recalled the way John and I had met. A few people on adj
acent tables turned their heads to look at me. I thought it was uncanny the spea
ker had such a similar experience.
Then Patsy did something that most people here will probably think is a bit bizar
re, but which to me was not bizarre at all. She bent down to tie her shoelace
My laughter subsided and I began to feel slightly uncomfortable.
Nothing strange in that, you might think? Well, it would not have been strange ex
cept for one small detail. Patsy was wearing shoes that had no shoelaces
A ripple of laughter went around the room and the speaker paused to let the impo
rt of the joke linger. As for me, my heart was pounding as I realised that the s
peaker was John and that he was talking about our first meeting.
Friends or Lovers
What is significant about this story is that Patsy?s willingness to give me a bir
d?s eye view of her butt was one of several reasons I decided to sit next to her
. Very bold behaviour, I felt, and not something I was likely to come across eve
ry day. We fell into conversation, swapped e-mail addresses and later met for lu
nch. Now we take walks together. She became a close friend and is now also a pro
fessional colleague.
He paused again.
She?s also dating one of my best friends! he said loudly with gusto.
His comic timing was excellent and there was a further smattering of laughter.
Now what?s the relevance? Sexual attraction is often the reason we choose to take
an interest in someone. As we work out the tensions many long and durable frien
dships are formed. I was lucky. Patsy liked and welcomed my response, but not im
mediately and not without a lot of soul searching about my intentions towards he
r. If she had taken offence, she might have withdrawn, confronted me, argued wit
h me, perhaps even accused me of sexually harassing her.
We are still, even in this modern age, overwhelmingly social beings. Yes, we come
to dinners like this to talk about how to make more - or lose less - money. We
come for the networking opportunities, the social opening that will start a new
business venture. But I want to suggest to you that there is something more than
that, something deeper, more important.
He paused and took a sip of his water before continuing.
Once, a business mentor of mine said to me that money was not the most important
thing to him. To him, the money was a means and not an end. The money enabled hi
m to feed his
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family, to open doors to social networks he wanted to belong to, to attract and
be in the company of many beautiful women. In short, he was in business to have
fun. If you?re not having fun? he would say, sell the business?. To him, business
was entertainment.
So what?s the key thing here? asked John. For him, being in business meant an emoti
onally fulfilling life. He did it for the buzz. For the challenge. For the compa
ny. And yes, let?s admit it, for the sex. He was, in a way, one of the business
world?s rock stars, although he liked to avoid the press.
Of course, there are many out there .and perhaps even in here who will take a dim vie
w of this. Business is about profit-maximising, about efficiency, about effectiv
eness and all those terms that are popular in business schools and board rooms.
There are a few strange people who actually get off on this. Picture them in you
r mind: Laddie Lawyer Amy Accountant Adam Auditor.
There was substantial laughter as he recounted these names. He knew his audience
. Human resource staff often battled legal and financial staff for influence and
John cleverly used his knowledge of workplace tensions to win them over.
Now, I imagine that you?re sitting there thinking not me?. I?m rational, everybody
else is emotional. I always do my best for my boss. I?m a complete professional
never let myself get distracted by this stuff. So I?m going to ask for a bit of
audience participation. Can I have a show of hands, please? How many of you met
your most recent wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend in an organisation? Don
?t just think of your own place of work. Did you meet in theirs? Was he or she y
our client? Were you students together?
Friends or Lovers
The hands started to rise, at first tentatively. The murmurs grew as spouses and
partners reminded each other of their first meeting, with the result that more
and more hands were raised until at least three-quarters held them aloft.
More than usual, he commented. We have a horny bunch in tonight!
The room rumbled with chatter and laughter as people started to absorb what had
just been illustrated. As the noise died down, so John continued.
So let me make one or two comments before I tell you my second story. Firstly, ho
w is it that most human resource professionals here tonight met their partner or
spouse in a workplace and yet the profession is being persuaded to support zero
-tolerance policies towards sexual behaviour at work?
There was less laughter now and he paused to have another drink. The women entre
preneur opposite looked irritated.
See what I mean? she said.
I nodded, but privately I thought John had a point.
Need a bit more gin for this bit, John quipped as he drank some more water.
More controversially, recent research suggests that research participants say har
assment is very rare, almost unheard of, during the formative stages of a relati
onship. Accusations are made when relationships are breaking down. This raises a
n issue. Are we are missing the underlying sexual dynamics that bring about thes
e accusations. It may be that a man is trying to break off the relationship rath
er than form it, or that a woman is trying to back off a relationship that has a
roused her sexual feelings. When it comes to the law, have politicians created a
rod to break our back?
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I looked around and saw some people nodding.
This leads me onto my second story. This also has a lovely butt in it, but this t
ime it belongs to a man. It involves Ben and Diane. During Ben?s induction, Dian
e told him about the company annual dinner. Each year they have a big celebratio
n, and without fail there is some set piece bit of corporate fun?. The year Ben j
oined, they had a Butt of the Year? competition. This involved a number of men ta
king pictures of each others? naked bottoms and creating a slide show for the wo
men.
John smiled. The audience laughed some more.
Okay, okay I realise that some of you probably consider this essential work in th
e run up to the Christmas party, but this story has a challenging ending.
He paused again and took another swig of gin?.
Diane thought one of the directors? butts was so sexy that she described it to Be
n during his induction. Diane is a CIPD qualified member of staff. I looked hard
but couldn?t find that induction technique in the CIPD manual! he quipped.
He paused and the audience obliged with more laughter. Then his tone suddenly be
came quieter, more measured.
Yes it?s funny, isn?t it? he agreed with his audience.
Then he delivered a killer sentence.
Would it have been funny if I?d told you that Ben was making comments to Diane ab
out one of the women director?s tits?
The room quickly went quiet. John?s tone was not critical, but questioning. He s
omehow managed to avoid accusing his audience, but everyone in the room suddenly
 felt embarrassed that they had been laughing. In the silence that followed, the
hum of personal reflection lingered in the air.
Here?s the rest of the story, he continued boldly.
Friends or Lovers
At the Christmas Party, Diane flung her arms around Ben and playfully put ice cub
es down his trousers. He did not mind her attention and they grew close. They st
arted to go out for drinks after work. Both were married. Diane confessed that h
er marriage was sexless. Ben confessed his wife had been having an affair.
You may think that you know what is coming , he teased.
Ben?s marriage collapsed and Diane offered him a place to sleep. He thanked her b
ut did not accept. She told him repeatedly that he had admirers?. You won?t be lon
ely,? she told him. Ben thanked her and felt reassured. Ben responded that he li
ked one or two of the women at work and had asked one out for a drink.
Instead of being pleased for him, Diane got cross and told him he should not look
for love at work. When Ben asked why, Diane reported his activities to her own
manager. She now claimed that Ben was womanising? and might misuse personnel reco
rds. Ben was questioned for over an hour in a private room about inappropriate? b
ehaviour. Ben argued that the accusation was unjustified, hypocritical and sexis
t. His objections fell on deaf ears. Ben argued with the company?s MD.
John raised his volume a couple of notches to finish the story
He was fired.
A few people in the audience gasped.
So! he said, a woman who talked openly about her lust for a male director during Be
n?s induction, put ice cubes down Ben?s trousers at a party, invited Ben to stay
at her house, told Ben he had admirers and then got jealous when Ben admired so
meone
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else she only had to make an accusation that Ben might be behaving inappropriately
for his world to quickly fall apart.
John paused again, but this time he did so for effect.
That is power, he said, a kind of power that we don?t acknowledge.
I thought back over my own experience, at the way the accusation against Mike ha
s triggered the storm inside IC. We had weathered it but not without capsizing a
few times.
What can we learn from this? continued John.
Firstly, my main point is not that men can also be subject to sexual harassment o
r false allegations. That much is obvious and while it is not discussed much, mo
st enlightened people realise it.
My main point is that whenever there is a sexual conflict it is usually underpinn
ed by a complex intimate relationship. Both parties play a part. Both parties ar
e responsible. Accusations often reveal as much about who is hurting as who is b
eing hurt. HR departments rarely investigate the motive for an accusation, only
the accusation itself. Attention switches immediately to the accused. The accuse
r may be given special protection before it is known whether their accusation is
true.
These are two cases where the underlying dynamics are known. Most people are like
icebergs. Nine tenths of what might be known is submerged beneath the surface.
Workplace behaviour arises out of our desire for, or our desire to avoid, intima
cy. Those desires, in turn, are affected by what is taking place in our lives ou
tside work. Our desires are not always sexual. Maybe we are trying to avoid lone
liness. Maybe we are trying to be accepted. This said, feeling accepted by a sex
ually
Friends or Lovers
desirable or successful person is particularly meaningful. It is, therefore, emo
tive and triggers disruptive conflicts.
Two thoughts for you as you retire to the bars. Firstly, if Patsy had objected wh
en I started to talk to her on the airplane, would I have been guilty of sexual
harassment? Or was her behaviour, by deliberately being provocative, itself a fo
rm of sexual harassment? Perhaps neither? The situation we have now is that if s
he claims to others that I am creating a hostile environment? for her, regardless
 of my intent, I could be accused in the same way as Ben. How would you go about
investigating that to undercover the truth??
So, are we destroying our society with zero-tolerance policies? Are we compromisi
ng our ability to take, face and overcome the everyday risks that underpin stabl
e enduring relationships? Zero-tolerance approaches assume it is right and prope
r to prevent any intimacy that could be interpreted as sexual. Isn?t this the mo
st naïve policy in the history of humankind?
So, to conclude, I want you to think about how to contribute to the current debat
e on equality of opportunity and sexual harassment. Would it not be better to ha
ve a process that allows each party to tell their story until they find closure?
Should we approach conflicts in a way that allows both parties to learn about e
ach other, or continue to name and blame? one party? Are we serious about equalit
y?
If you are sitting next to your financial director and she or he is saying too exp
ensive?, I ask you to think of the cost of replacing staff. In Ben?s case it cos
t the company over ten thousand pounds to replace him, enough to pay for over 20
days of mediation. That ignores the costs of training and lost
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productivity. It ignores whether the replacement is as good at the job. So, whil
e this is an ethical issue, it is also a financial one.
Ladies and Gentlemen - thank you for listening! My name is John Simons and I am a
t your service. My business cards and these two cases are available on the table
.
The audience broke into a round of applause. I did not join in. Instead, I got u
p and walked towards the front. When John saw me, he initially beamed with pleas
ure, then as he realised that I had been in the audience he started to look apol
ogetic.
Can you forgive me? he asked.
You might have asked, I said with a smile.
Such a good story and I never thought that you would ever be in one of my audienc
es.
And I?m a case study, am I?
An anonymous one, yes!
And close friends, eh?
You think I?m being economical with the truth, Penny?
I?ll let you get away with it, just this once, I said.
Suddenly I felt another person moving up beside me.
Get away with what? asked Dave.
My mood changed and John noticed instantly.
Hello. My name is John.
Dave! Good talk, mate. Hope I?m not interrupting anything.
Not at all, said John, turning on the professional charm.
John smiled as we shared the private joke. Dave, however, was surprisingly astut
e.
You know each other a lot better than you are telling me, I can see.
Indeed we do. I did not realise that
Friends or Lovers
Oh God! I prayed that he was not about to say what I though he was about to say.
.. one of my best friends was in the audience.
One of your best friends! said Dave. Well, Penny, you are a dark horse. Is this the
John you mentioned to me? The one you met on a plane?
I hesitated. There was little point denying it.
Yes.
And John, is this Patsy? asked Dave pointedly.
John and I hesitated. Dave laughed.
So, you don?t just flirt with barmen, but also strange men in airports!
John joined in the conversation again.
And you don?t, Dave? asked John.
Don?t what? asked Dave.
Don?t you flirt? asked John.
 I?m married! he said indignantly.
So am I, replied John, but like most adults I still end up in situations where ther
e is flirting, whether I like it or not. How else can people establish another p
erson?s motive?
Dave was slightly taken aback at these remarks.
Flirting is dangerous, said Dave.
Would you like to have this conversation at the bar so I can buy you a drink? aske
d John.
Dave nodded.
If you go to the bar and order what you like, I?ll join you in a second. Just ask
them to charge it to Room 1156 and I?ll sign the receipt in a moment.
Are you coming, Penny? asked Dave.
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John glanced in my direction and I realised that he was trying to get me on my o
wn.
I?ll join you in a second, I just want a quick word with John.
Dave had committed himself now and went off to the bar.
He?s hurt. You?ve got a problem, said John.
Tell me about it. It?s getting worse and worse. We had an argument earlier this e
vening.
Do you want to talk about it later? asked John.
I?ve chatted to Mike and thought we were through this.
I can meet you later if you like? he asked again.
Yes, okay.
John and I made our way to the bar. On the way, he engaged with people who wante
d to talk to him. Were the stories true? Yes, totally true. Was it not all a bit
Freudian? Not really, said John. Freud thought it all emanated from complexes f
ormed in childhood experiences. He did not agree with that. However, in the sens
e that sexual desires and aspirations underpinned a lot of adult behaviour, John
did agree with Freud. Having negotiated these questions, we got to the bar and
Dave was ready with our drinks. We found a space to talk.
You were saying that flirting is dangerous? remembered John.
Always leads to trouble, said Dave.
I disagree, said John boldly. Flirting is a good way for men and women to establish
the level of intimacy they want in their relationships. They push and probe to
check out how the other responds. Most people do this in non-threatening ways an
d it works most of the time. Many find it fun. It is those who are inexperienced
or shy who are uncomfortable with flirting. I accept it is a problem for them.
Friends or Lovers
I was not sure whether John intended to be offensive but he was coming perilousl
y close. It was almost as if he was suggesting that Dave was inexperienced and s
hy.
But it causes so much disagreement, said Dave.
Only if people are insensitive to each other, answered John.
Insensitive? I asked.
Perhaps that?s not a good word, said John.
Flirting causes misunderstandings, insisted Dave. I?ve had to deal with many proble
ms caused by flirting.
I don?t doubt it, said John, but you won?t notice all the problems that are solved
by it. They never land on your desk.
Don?t buy it, mate. Too much experience, said Dave arrogantly.
What about you, Penny? said John. You?re a good flirt!
I wanted John to stop because his comments could deepen my problems.
I can?t say that flirting has ever landed me in deep water at work, but it has ce
rtainly landed others I responded.
I added a rider as a warning shot, as well you know!
John picked up my allusion and acknowledged my concern. Dave, however, also pick
ed up that some covert message was passing between us.
Sounds like you?ve discussed this before, commented Dave.
Not directly, answered John, but I think we will later, he added.
 Oh! Are you two getting together? asked Dave.
The sarcasm was back and I couldn?t help fuelling the situation.
Yes we are. By the way, John, how is Sally?
Sally? asked Dave, as John proceeded to respond.
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Oh she?s great. We?re enjoying ourselves - I wish I could stay longer but I?m nee
ded back at home.
Sally at work? Do you know Sally?
Yes known her for years, answered John.
She never mentioned you to me, replied Dave.
John is staying at Sally?s while he works for us. Didn?t you know? I said.
No, said Dave. Small world, isn?t it? he added, totally engaged by this discovery.
By the way, Penny, asked John. Do you and Mike want to come over for dinner on Sund
ay night?
My blood ran cold. By asking John about Sally it invited John to ask me about Mi
ke. Before I could answer, Dave intervened.
You and Mike? he asked.
Yes.
And when did this happen? he asked, piecing things together in his head.
Just recently hardly got used to the idea myself! I said pretending joy while my m
ind was turning to clay.
Before or after you arranged the flat for him? Dave asked with disdain.
John looked at me, slightly embarrassed and mouthed the word sorry?.
After! I said firmly.
Just as well, said Dave cynically.
John made another intervention.
Well! he started. Perhaps the two of you could explain to me what the fuck is going
on?
Both Dave and I looked at John with a start.
What? said Dave.
Friends or Lovers
It?s a simple question, responded John. The two of you are antagonising each other.
Why?
It?s complicated, I said, trying to diffuse the situation.
Not complicated at all, said Dave. I?m fed up working with this tart.
Dave turned and left before I could answer. I was about to go after him and make
him apologise but John stopped me.
I?d like to fry his arse! I shouted. A few people near us picked up my tone and tu
rned to look.
There are better ways to do it, Penny! said John trying to calm me down.
That ..that ..pig is going to do my appraisal in three weeks!
Then you?ve got to use this, he said pointing at my head, as well as this, he said w
ith his hand on his heart.
Fuck him! Wanker!
I hope so, quipped John, because if he?s not we really have a problem.
It took me a moment to get the joke.
Why don?t we circulate for a bit and then slip out? If Dave comes anywhere near y
ou, then find me.
My knight in shining armour? I queried.
No. If he starts a fight with you, I want to be there to watch you beat the shit
out of him!
And you the mediator? I asked, my sense of humour returning.
Only as a first resort! he responded.
John moved closer and whispered in my ear.
Be careful. You?ve not been employed for a year yet.
Shit! You?re right.
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You?ll need friends for this one, Penny. How?s Mike going to take this? he asked.
I?ll call him later. I want to go home.
I?d take you but I?ve been drinking gin all evening .. he joked.
 Damn, I said before I saw his grin.
I?m probably the only sober person in the room, he corrected. I never drink before
a talk so if you want to go home, I can take you.
Thank you. You?re a sweetie.
The rest of the evening passed off without any more incidents. About an hour lat
er, John and I took a cab to a quiet pub and I told him about Dave?s wife, the l
aunch evening, Dave?s e-mail and my conversations with Mike. I could see the con
cern growing on his face. He called Elaine and Sam, invited them for dinner then
insisted that I come with Mike. He said that he wanted to talk strategy . When I a
sked why, he cryptically replied that every good soldier needed the support of hi
s unit?. I told him of my wish to marry Mike. When he heard this, he grabbed me
and hugged me for what seemed like an age. When he let go, I noticed that his ey
es were filled with tears. I told him not be such a soppy idiot.
As days go, today had not been a good one. When I set out this morning I was ful
l of the joys of spring, but now I was battling to save my job.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 42
I was glad to get home to Mike. When I told him what had happened, he was matter
of fact and kept reassuring me that I had truth on my side. Given what I?d lear
nt from the conflict between Mike and Elona, however, I was less confident. If,
as John had suggested, we can only see what we are looking for, then I was up sh
it creek without a paddle. Dave would not be looking for evidence of my innocenc
e, only evidence of my guilt. And what was it that I was guilty of? Most of his
attacks were about my flirting. Hard as it was to admit, I was now experiencing
things from the other side.
Two months earlier, I had been judgemental about Mike?s motives. Now it was Dave
who was being judgemental about me. I began to wonder whether perhaps I might h
ave done things differently, or left Mike and Elona to sort out their own proble
ms. The law required me to investigate, however. In the past, I had been convinc
ed that sexual harassment laws were progressive, but now I was not so sure. It w
as bad enough that I had intruded into a number of delicate personal relationshi
ps, but now it was the other way around I started to experience how the intrusio
ns feel on the receiving end, and the frustration of having to deal with others?
unstated agendas. How could others possibly know or understand what had gone on
? How could I possibly explain the complexity of this situation so that another
person could understand it?
The world not only looked more complex but it also made more sense. Not only had
I misjudged Mike, but I now realised that my attitude had been coloured both by
the hurt I felt in the past and my attraction to him. It may not only have been
my
Rory Ridley-Duff
judgement that was at fault, but perhaps my values as well. I had created an ima
ginary world in which men and women should behave one way at work and another wa
y outside work. Not everybody saw the distinctions as I did, or felt they should
be enforced.
I remember once seeing the film About a Boy. The main character Will tried to li
ve an island? existence but gave in to the attention of a lonely 12-year-old boy.
I started to see myself as a female version of Will. I had my island existence
at work, rather than at home. I protected myself with professional ethics and pe
rsonal boundaries to create a haven for corporate values. I was independent? and e
fficient?. I was also emotionally disconnected and dysfunctional.
Just like Will, however, others intruded into my world. Firstly, John pierced my
armour. Later, Mike did the same, and most recently Elaine. Elona has, to some
extent, and Phil has also made some inroads. I was coming to a realisation that
these bonds not only reached deep into my personal life, but were also contribut
ing to better decisions about people in the workplace.
Mike and I had a quiet day. Unlike John, he had no wish to talk strategy . Instead
he just savoured the conversation we had. Mike and John were different. John was
the pragmatic politician, Mike the stubborn idealist. Together they were a form
idable combination, searching for truth and justice and then working out how to make
 it happen. They rarely saw eye-to-eye, but every conversation made me question
my life a little bit more.
On Sunday we went for a walk. I retraced the route I took with John around Warwi
ck castle and we ended up at the same Italian restaurant. In my mind, I did this
not only to share treasured
Friends or Lovers
memories with Mike, but as a tribute to John. When I look back, my change of hea
rt, my coming out of myself started on that day, from the moment I faced-down my
fear and shared my most private feelings.
I brought John here a couple of months ago, I said.
Nice for him, responded Mike.
He never used five words where three would do.
And for me, I said.
And now for me, he replied with a straight face.
That was another difference between them. With John, his emotions always came ou
t as he spoke, but with Mike you had to dig for them.
Do you have any special places? Places you went with your wife? I asked.
A few, he said.
Would you take me to them?
I?d rather find new places, he answered.
I smiled and said that would be nice.
You don?t talk about the past, Mike, I commented.
What would be solved by talking about it? he responded.
I?m just interested.
What would you like to know?
I suddenly realised that it was not so much his past that I was interested in, b
ut any remaining attachments that might affect our future together.
You, I said.
You have me. Lock, stock and barrel.
Yes, in body. But I also want to know the person in here! I said, pointing to his
head.
You might be disappointed, he replied.
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Haven?t been so far, I said with a grin.
That?s because you?ve only microscopically examined my body! he joked.
There was little point holding back now I had started.
I guess I?m curious how you feel about your marriage.
He stopped and turned to me, then held me in his arms and kissed me. While it wa
s nice to have his attention, he had also evaded the question.
You were very committed to her
Suddenly I stopped. His silence on the issue of his wife troubled me. While we h
ad made plans and I kept telling myself that I should take comfort from them it
worried me that he may not truly be over her.
I prefer not to think about it, he replied.
I guess, I responded.
Even though I did not push him, I realised that I was starting to have doubts ab
out his commitment. Strangely, I felt unconcerned. No matter what happened in th
e future, nothing could take away the bliss that I was enjoying right now. I wou
ld have these memories forever.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 43
He?s not going to bring that up! asserted John, getting quite heated.
But that?s what pisses him off surely he?ll raise it? I argued.
We had been discussing my situation at work for nearly half an hour over after-d
inner coffee. John was trying to persuade everyone that Dave was going to block
my appointment, but most of the others would not believe him.
But Penny is brilliant at her job aren?t you, Penny? said Sam, who probably knew t
he least about all the cock ups I had made.
Thank you, Sam. But John is right about Dave. He?s pissed off with me.
But you said that even Harry thought you were doing a good job. It was Dave who g
ave him this impression.
Mike joined in the strategy discussion and kept coming back to what people had sai
d about my work. He thought the company would be crazy to sack me. I knew he was
biased, but it was good to have his support.
How long have you been there, Mike? asked John.
Nearly 6 years, he answered.
Now look at this from Harry?s point of view. Is he going to believe someone he?s
worked with closely for 6 years or a probationer that he?s met just once or twic
e? asked John.
He?s going to look at the truth, surely? responded Mike. He?ll see through Dave, wo
n?t he?
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John gave Mike a dismissive look, showing considerable irritation. Elaine, who h
ad been listening more than talking, now joined the conversation.
Let?s assume for a moment that John is right, she started. Let?s assume that Dave i
s going to look for a way to get Penny out. He?s under no obligation to keep her
on. He does not even have to give her a proper reason. The only thing Dave has
to fear is Harry?s reaction. I concur with John. If there is a conflict, he?ll c
ontrol what Harry hears. It?s not what?s going to happen, but what we are going
to do about it.
Everyone around the table stopped for a moment to consider her remarks. I notice
d John smile at Elaine and she raised her glass to him.
That?s right, said John enthusiastically. If I?m wrong then we have nothing to worr
y about. But if I?m right then we need to ensure that Dave does not control what
Harry is hearing.
And also give Dave a few worries of his own! added Elaine.
Everyone turned to look at her.
What do you mean? asked Sam.
Elaine had talked to me about some of the corporate battles that she?d been in,
the subtle political pressures and pragmatic alliances that work behind the scen
es. I began to catch her drift.
You?re not suggesting we get involved? queried Sam.
I certainly am, said Elaine. We?ve invested a huge amount in this partnership. If D
ave wants to fuck it up because he can?t deal with Penny?s rejection then I want
to apply some pressure.
But isn?t this between Penny and Dave? asked Sam.
No. If he sacks Penny, then I?m going to kick his arse it will affect my working
relationship with him! she said pointedly. And how is Mike going to be able to wor
k when
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Dave sacks his future wife. This isn?t just about our friends, Sam, this is abou
t our company?s well-being. Mike?s our sales manager. Dave?s the Director of Bus
iness Development. Can?t you see the threat?
Since I had told both Elaine and John about my marital aspirations it had been c
ommon knowledge within the group. However, Mike was not aware that I?d talked to
the others and he shot me a quick glance then cast his eyes down at the table.
We all have an interest! said Elaine. You too, Sally!
Sally had remained fairly quiet throughout.
I?m keeping out of this, she said.
You?d stand by while Dave shits on Mike? asked John.
I wondered for a moment whether Sally might secretly want me off the scene to op
en the way to Mike again. Since we?d become a couple, I?d taken over his life an
d he saw her much less. With John returning home in a couple of weeks she might
start to miss Mike?s company.
It?s not that, she said. I don?t have a way of influencing things the way you do.
Okay, Sal. Perhaps you?re right! responded John. But you can influence things on th
e ground.
On the ground? she asked.
Stuff like this doesn?t stay secret. If your colleagues talk about it, you can pu
t them straight!
 And have Dave on my back? she asked.
So little confidence! complained Elaine.
I could understand Sally?s fear. Elaine had both political and financial indepen
dence whereas Sally?s life was more precarious. She was also in a line managemen
t situation with Dave. Only Mike stood between her and Dave. If Mike?s
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position was threatened then Dave would be able to exact personal revenge on Sal
ly.
Sal has to be careful, said Mike.
Elaine, I realised, did not understand the complex background and network of rel
ationships involving Dave, Mike and Sally. I made a mental note to update her.
The debate continued over more bottles of wine. Various scenarios and plans were
hatched, debated and discarded. By the time Mike and I left, we had some idea o
f what to do if Dave tried to block my appointment and there was talk of a last r
esort action plan if he succeeded. It was reassuring that my friends took such a
keen interest in protecting my future, but they were protecting theirs at the sa
me time. In fact, as we talked, I realised that it was not so much that they wer
e protecting me, or protecting themselves, as protecting the group. We all wante
d to work and live together and this guided our discussions.
My security came from the knowledge that there was no shortage of organisations
seeking HR professionals. My mind, therefore, was not over worried regardless of
the outcome of my appraisal. I focussed more on Mike?s reaction to Elaine?s com
ment about our marriage plans. He had been much quieter after her comment. I did
not have to wait long. As soon as the car sped away from Sally?s house, Mike op
ened up.
We have to talk, he said.
Yes, we do, I replied. Are you having second thoughts?
Not exactly, he replied.
What then? I enquired.
I?m much older than you, Penny!
So what?
Friends or Lovers
What if you want children? he asked.
I don?t want them. You know that, I answered.
You don?t now. But what if you change your mind? What if you accidentally get pre
gnant?
I don?t know! I answered.
I had a friend once who didn?t want children? until she got pregnant.
What?re you saying?
I?m saying that I know for sure that I don?t want children.
How can you know that?
My wife got pregnant a few years ago and I was completely opposed.
Despite what I had told him previously, I actually felt a pang of disappointment
that he did not want children with me. Did I want to give up the choice?
Tell me about your friend. I asked.
She was successful like you. She had a good career, a regular boyfriend who she l
ived with. She didn?t want children until in her mid-thirties - she accidentally
got pregnant. Once she faced a real choice her feelings started to change. And
who could blame her? he asked.
How do you mean? I said.
Well, it dawned on her this might be her only chance to be a mother. Did she want
to miss that chance?
I have thought about this, Mike. I don?t want children.
But have you ever been pregnant, Penny?
When he asked that question, the argument began to affect me. I paused trying to
imagine what it would be like to have a child growing inside me. When I conside
red the question in the abstract I was sure of my feelings, but when I asked mys
elf how
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I would feel aborting Mike s child it affected me differently. Could I do that?
 No, I haven?t, I finally answered.
What will happen if you get pregnant and I don?t want it?
His questions were beginning to deeply unsettle me and I started to feel emotion
al.
I can?t say, Mike!
That?s what worries me, he continued. It could tear us apart. If you want a child a
nd I don?t, our relationship won?t survive.
But don?t you love me?
He smiled broadly.
Yes but I don?t want to be a dad in my 70s. I really don?t.
What did your friend do?
She had the child. The relationship with her boyfriend broke up soon after. Now t
hey hate each other with a vengeance. They both feel the other betrayed them. Sh
e thought he?d change when the child was born. He never forgave her for ignoring
his feelings. She never forgave him for leaving.
So what?re you saying? You want to break up?
No, no, no! I want to treasure this for as long as possible and that means being
realistic. Our relationship probably won?t survive the birth of a child. Is it a
good idea to marry?
I did not respond.
I?ll live with you but if you want children then I?m going to bow out so you can
fulfil your dream. I can?t stand in the way of that.
I pondered this strange proposal. When I was young I imagined that all serious r
elationships operated on the basis of unending commitment. I was not sure what t
o think.
Friends or Lovers
Tell you what, he continued again. If you reach the menopause and we?re still toget
her, I?ll marry you!
I gave a short chuckle. Romantic this was not, but that was Mike through and thr
ough.
Okay. I?ll think about it.
And with that, we arrived home, went into the kitchen and made two cups of cocoa
. We chatted more in front of the TV and caught a late night film, then went ups
tairs. For the first time since we?d started sharing a bed we did not make love
before going to sleep. Even though we?d talked about the possibility of breaking
up, this was the clearest indication I?d had that we were going to have a long-
term relationship. Moments later I felt one of his arms around me as he kissed m
y neck and said goodnight . The future was still full of possibilities.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 44
Elona?s move into the flat with Mike was problematic at first. I dropped in a co
uple of times to check how things were. As part of his professional development,
I asked Phil to make some visits to see how she was progressing. Normally we wo
uld not visit so much, but given her precarious state, I felt we should visit da
ily. It took two weeks for her to feel strong enough to return to work. When she
did, my professional worries receded.
When I had been at her parents? shop and heard her torrent of abuse, she accused
me of bullying her. As a result, I decided to visit her when Mike went out with
his drinking pals. We started to have chats in the evening at home and at work
during lunch breaks. I was trying to build her confidence, not just to learn abo
ut her, but also to learn about myself. Was I a bully? Mike sometimes joked that
I could be, a by-product of my strength of character. He had not seen me when I
felt weak and feeble (the way John had seen me). I told him I was not always st
rong but he would not believe it.
Elona, on the other hand, turned out to be strong in ways I?d not realised. We t
alked about her upbringing. There was no weekend in her family, just a Sunday an
d Wednesday afternoon when the shop closed. Her parents were committed Christian
s and they arranged for her aunt to take her to Sunday school each week. Brownie
s and Guides followed and she talked of the many skills she had developed, but a
lso the scriptures and morality that affected her freedom.
Even as a grown up, her parents disapproved of her drinking in pubs and when the
situation erupted at work they felt deeply ashamed. Instead of showing sympathy
, they chided her for
Friends or Lovers
getting mixed up with a bad crowd . They would tell her that in the devil? world of G
odless? people, people pursued each other for sex and treated each other disresp
ectfully. I listened as much as I could, judged as little as I could, and avoide
d the temptation to get angry with either her or her parents. Instead, I started
to wonder how she had turned out so normal? despite her upbringing.
My parents had been liberal in their attitudes, especially my father. Elona?s fa
ther was protective and would never let her go to parties. Both my father and mo
ther allowed me to have male friends, to take them up to my room, play music, ch
at and talk. Sometimes I would get keen on a boy and still my parents would not
interfere, although my mother would tell me what I should and should not do. Mor
e than once that led to us having a fight. Even so, my voice was heard and sex t
alk was commonplace in our house.
If I had a boy with me they would knock on my bedroom door. My room was a privat
e space to do as I pleased. Elona, on the other hand, was not allowed to bring b
oys into the house without the permission of her father - upstairs was strictly
out of bounds even after she reached the age of 18. They did not even let her ta
ke girlfriends upstairs. When I asked her how she got to know boys, she simply s
aid that she had not been able to. Private conversations with boys were not allo
wed in her house one or other parent had to be present.
Attitudes to sex or more accurately, those of our parents - could not have been
more different. I can still remember my parents telling me on my 16th birthday t
hat if I wanted boys to stay over they would be allowed to sleep with me if I wi
shed. I remember only mild embarrassment at their openness, and
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confessed to them that sometimes I had sneaked a boyfriend into my room in the m
iddle of the night. They admitted that they knew but chose not to say anything.
We laughed as stories came out of hiding and got aired for the first time. I rem
ember feeling grateful, rather than relieved, at their attitude.
Elona, on the other hand felt embarrassed if her parents even hinted at sex. Eve
n at work, she would walk away if she heard crude conversations. Some women deli
berately excluded her. Others picked on her and ridiculed her prudishness. But i
n talking to me, she gradually opened up and admitted that she had been buying r
omance novels for years. Privately she lusted after the kind of life that was de
scribed in them but never imagined she could ever be part of it. She fantasised
about this other world, this strange morality where people could express themsel
ves freely. When the young lads at work invited her to the pub, and showed inter
est in her, she was bursting with curiosity.
There was something tragic in hearing her story. She was a young woman trying to
navigate the minefield of courtship armed only with knowledge from romance nove
ls. She imagined bold heroines aggressively seducing their prey, or meek wallflo
wers schooled in the art of attracting real? men. When Nathan took a shine to her
, he triggered all the feelings she was harbouring. When he rebuffed her, she fe
lt bitter, betrayed and misled.
I tried to reassure her that experience had to be gained first hand. You could n
ot rely on what was written in books. As I talked, it was as if I was also talki
ng to myself. I shared with her my boldest adventures. While I had no inhibition
s about my body, when it came to my mind, thoughts and feelings I was
Friends or Lovers
even more inhibited than Elona. Through her candid confessions to me, I found ye
t another avenue to release the pain and hurt of the past. Before I realised it,
I was learning again from someone years my junior, and our friendship gave her
a way to compare her fantasy world to the reality of my life.
As for Mike, he gradually opened up about his marriage and I learnt that his kid
s were the principle reason he had remained for so long. They mattered to him an
d he felt the pleasures that came from fatherhood and family life outweighed any
problems in his relationship with his wife. He did admit too that, despite the
problems, he found his wife attractive and their argumentative relationship spic
ed up their sex life. But since the fall out over Sally he had returned home onl
y to be with his children. His wife never forgave him for giving financial suppo
rt to another woman. Mike joked that if he had lied and said it was just sex? his
marriage might have survived. It was the financial betrayal that killed it.
I switched the conversation back to Elona.
You are good for her, you know! I told him. If she?d had a father like you, she mig
ht have grown up very differently.
And a mother like you, perhaps? he retorted.
A mother like me! At hearing those words, I felt a shudder. His comment started
a chain of thoughts that still haunts me. I started to get a sense of just how i
mportant parents are and the huge responsibility they bear. Was my hostility to
motherhood another way of avoiding responsibility? These questions troubled me.
As I watched Mike and learnt about each new layer of his character, I found new
depths in myself. I started to realise new things that I had been missing that t
he ephemeral materialism
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of corporate life, the transient consumerism pressed on us by the media, was not
important. I found that there was nothing more fascinating or more pleasurable
than getting to know people well. Corporate life was not a reason for being, it
was a means. It was a setting in which our lives unravelled, but was not life it
self. The media was not reality, it was a place where vanity ran amok, where tho
se obsessed with self-importance told us how to live our lives. Their stories wh
ich had for two decades been a source of entertainment and amusement to me start
ed to lose their standing. In their place, conversations with real people flouri
shed to the point that my television became just another piece of furniture.
I cast my mind over my life with my mother and father. Before the arguments of m
y teenage years, my mother told me stories. I had loved Scooby Doo and rather th
an watch videos again and again, she would make up new adventures on the spur of
the moment. In them, she and I would join the gang and solve our own mysteries.
Perhaps that is what spurred me to write this story. Perhaps my own mother encou
raged this creative streak in me, something that my father?s pragmatism and libe
ralism also shaped. For me, setting out my life on paper became part of my liber
ation. The world of parenthood took on a new fascination. No longer could I igno
re how the crazy complicated mess that Elona and I had created at work had its f
oundation in our family histories. That spurred me to take greater interest in h
ow I came to be who I am. And when Mike suggested I would make a good mother the
urge to be a parent grew stronger and stronger.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 45
Six weeks after Elona moved in with Mike, something happened that transformed he
r life. Her excitement was so great that she could not contain it. The moment I
arrived at her flat she screeched at me to come and see something.
Penny! Penny! Come here, come on, come here!
I hastily hung up my jacket, pleaded with Elona to let me go to the loo first. W
hen I emerged, she was waiting on the sofa clutching something in her hand. Her
eyes were wide open and her face was so animated that I thought she would burst
a blood vessel.
What?s happened? I asked. Have you won the lottery?
Better than that, she answered.
Well, come on then. Show me!
Inside her sweaty palm was her mobile phone. She open the lid, pressed menu , then m
essages , then inbox . For a couple of seconds a fancy graphic showed a pile of paper
s being sorted. Down the list I could see messages from her old boyfriend, but a
t the top was a phone number.
Who is that from? I asked.
Elona excitedly pressed a green button and the message appeared.
M and P tell me u r recovering. Wud u like drink with mates after work?
Phil x
Better than the lottery? I asked, raising my eyebrows in wonder.
 Well, it?s good isn?t it. I mean he must he must like me!
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I didn?t know how to break the news that this may be kindness, or an attempt to
help her mix in with people at work. It was good?, however. I mentally got ready
to nail Phil when I saw him next morning. He had mentioned Elona, but had his ey
e on others as well.
Maybe you shouldn?t read too much into it, I commented.
But it?s a drink invitation! He?s asking me out.
My heart sank. It may be that Phil was asking her out, but then again it may not
and I felt that it would be irresponsible not to prepare her for the possibilit
y.
Elona, love! Look at me, I said as I took her hands and our eyes locked.
She duly obliged.
When a man asks you for a drink, it does not always mean that he?s asking you to
be his girlfriend. He may be interested in that. But he may just want to be your
friend ..
But my Dad said ..
Forget your Dad, I interrupted. I have a friend called John and when he first asked
me for a drink I thought that perhaps he was trying to ask me out ..
You just want to spoil my dreams! she interrupted, starting to look a bit downcast
.
Dream all you like, my love. Pretend he?s your fantasy hero, but remember that th
is may be your wish but not his.
What about John? she continued.
I was excited. Very excited. Secretly I thought about him a lot, but when I was w
ith him I took nothing for granted. You?ve met him? I asked.
Yes, she answered. Everyone talks about him at work, especially after he did that w
orkshop about sexism in the army.
Friends or Lovers
Have you replied to this? I asked, returning to the question in hand.
No! I was waiting for you. I don?t want to appear too forward.
Good. But you don?t want him thinking you?re not interested either? I replied.
But I don?t know what to say! Could you ?
Could I what?
Could you reply?
I laughed. The thought of me flirting by mobile with Phil while he thought he wa
s talking to Elona tickled me. I saw that she looked slightly hurt by my mirth s
o I immediately apologised and gave it some thought. Would it be so bad?
I can?t have a text conversation with him, I said.
Why not? she asked.
My heart went out to her. She so wanted to get this one right.
I think it would be better if it all came from you, I said finally.
Just start me off, Pen, she said imploringly. Just send the first few messages then
I?ll take over.
I thought about this. Perhaps Phil would never know the difference.
How d?you want to play it then? I replied, giving in to her.
She jumped on her seat and punched the air with her fist. She?d been planning th
is all day. I gave her a school-ma?am grin.
You?re hot for him, right?
You?re the best! First impressions, eh? I want him to know I?m interested I mean
really interested.
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I thought for a second. We didn?t want to be tacky or crude. I knew Phil could b
e shy, but also that he had a quiet confidence. How could we use that?
Okay! Give me the phone, I said.
I selected reply? and typed away carefully. I showed the message to Elona and she
kept nodding enthusiastically. Then she broke into laughter as I added the last
two words.
D?you think that?s too risqué? I asked her.
Depends! she replied.
 On what? I asked.
On whether I care about frightening him off!
I?d assumed that she?d be crushed if he turned her down so I was confused by her
comment.
Don?t you care?
A bit, I guess. But it?s so exciting, isn?t it? she replied. I want to have some fu
n!
I suddenly felt as if, despite all our conversations, I hardly knew her. Could s
he change that much in a few weeks?
You can get hurt, you know? I answered.
Never stopped you! she said, in a matter of fact way.
No, I guess it didn?t!
Penny?
I looked up at her and she continued to speak.
Do you have any idea how much I admire you?
What! Admire me? I said, in response.
I sat for a second wondering why she would admire me. We were so different.
I?m flattered. Thank you! I said, wondering if she was drunk.
She took my free hand with both of hers.
Friends or Lovers
You?re my heroine! she said.
Oh, Elona! I?m nothing of the sort. I?ve pissed around and messed things up big t
ime. I can be crabby and unreasonable, bitchy, emotional, selfish, mean and nast
y
I started to run out of words so Elona decided to take over.
..and kind and thoughtful, and sexy and vivacious, and strong and fair
I shuddered at the thought that someone would use me as a role model.
But most of all, she continued, you?re a natural.
What do you mean?
I mean that you live your life without any fear.
I wish! Seriously, Elona, you only see what?s on the outside. Inside I have doubt
s just like you. Sometimes I?m miserable, lonely and wretched...
She suddenly got cross with me.
What are you talking about? You?ve done so much with your life. Been places, trav
elled, done things, studied, got a good career and now a fantastic man. From whe
re I?m sitting, you know how to live!
She said this with such force that I didn?t know what to say. Inside I knew I wa
s no better and no stronger than she was. I?d not had to overcome the things she
had lived through, or suffer the disappointments she had faced. What possible c
laim could I have to a life better than hers? And yet, she wanted me as her role
model. It was not something that I felt I could refuse.
Elona, that?s such a sweet thing for you to say. I?m really touched.
She glanced at the phone.
Are we going to send that, then?
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I looked at the message once more and read it out loud.
Accept. What outfit wld u like me 2 wear for u, sexy?
Elona took the phone out of my hand and pressed the green button.
Too late for second thoughts now, I said.
A moment later, her mobile signalled the arrival of new mail so we excitedly ope
ned her inbox. Elona held it up and read it out loud.
Wot u have in mind? P xxxx
Look! Look! shrieked Elona. He?s added four kisses.
Okay, girl. He?s taking the bait. Let?s reel him in, I said confidently.
Elona handed me the phone again and I typed away. When I finished, I looked up a
t her.
This is the last one I send, okay? After this you?re on your own!
Elona nodded. She read the message to herself and cackled again. We were like tw
o schoolgirls swapping messages in class with a boy. She pressed the green butto
n and away it went. In an instant, she read Phil?s reply out loud while jumping
up and down.
Skn-tite and sexy? Wow! Looking 4wrd to seeing you in it and out of it .. Call right
now!
I got up and went to get my coat.
Where are you going? she asked.
You two should be alone, I think.
But Penny?
Trust me, Ellie. This is between you and him.
She looked slightly confused.
But tomorrow, I said. I want all the gory details, okay?
Friends or Lovers
She grinned broadly.
Okay, piss off then and see if I care! she said.
If I had only heard her words I might have been offended, but the excitement and
joy that filled her whole body was matched only by the size and breadth of the
smile she beamed. With my coat on, I walked over and gave her a big hug.
Thank you! she said.
You?re welcome, I replied.
As she dialled the number and let it ring, I turned and walked out of the flat.
In the distance the sound of an excited young woman could be made out amidst muc
h laughter and giggling. Elona had come alive she was, as she put it, ready to l
earn how to live?. As I walked down a flight of stairs into the car park, I reali
sed that this was the first time I?d ever been someone?s heroine. Even as I cont
emplated my own heroes and heroines Mike, Elaine and John the extent of my impac
t on Elona was beginning to dawn on me. She had seen me stand up for her against
men she felt had hurt her. Even as I chided myself for my judgement, I realised
that perhaps this mattered less to her than the example I had set. In her eyes,
I had challenged the behaviour of others and shown no fear. She could not see w
hat was going on inside me, only the confidence and bluster that erupted when I
was in the grip of moral indignation. I would have to talk to her about that. So
me other time.
Perhaps I was able to show her that you could be a woman in your own right, with
your own thoughts and feelings, able to make your own judgements even if someti
mes they turn out to be flawed and wrong. For me, I had taken from the experienc
e that I had to be more cautious and respectful of others. She was
Rory Ridley-Duff
setting out on a bumpy road of that I had no doubt but after several weeks of pa
in and years of loneliness it was a moment of unfettered joy. She grasped her fu
ture with both hands and held on firmly.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 46
Mike and I had a quiet evening at my flat watching a DVD. At around 10pm the pho
ne rang. It was Elona again, laughing and shouting that she needed a wage rise.
Why? I asked. Not just booked a holiday with Phil, have you?
I talked so much I ran out of credit. Need a raise to keep my mobile phone topped
up.
Then how come you are talking to me now?
I heard her giggle, and then heard something crash in the background.
What was that? Is there someone with you?
Maybe, she said coyly.
Faaannnnntttttaaaassssttttiiiiccccc! I shouted, and Mike looked at me with a quizz
ical expression on his face.
Now don?t rush things. Take things slowly, I started to say.
I don?t think slowly? is in his vocabulary, Pen!
Are you okay?
I?m on cloud nine! Thank you so much.
I did nothing, really.
Mike got up and walked over to me and I felt his arms move around my stomach. He
fondled me gently as I talked some more. Gradually, one of his hands edged up i
nside my blouse and started to fondle my breasts while the other stroked my leg,
 then moved underneath my skirt and played with the elastic of my pants.
I?ve got to go now, Ellie! I said.
Why?
Because I won?t be able to talk soon!
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Why? What?s wrong?
Nothing at all it is just that right at this moment there is someone?s hand gentl
y playing with my ..oooohhh ..left nipple, while the other .aaahhhh has just gone down in
ide my pants.
Mike whispered in my ear Keep talking .
What? I replied. Elona thought I was talking to her and asked again what was wrong
.
Keep talking, whispered Mike a second time.
Ellie? I have a man here who is dying . I had to pause for a second as his finger tou
ched a spot that took my breath away, to have sex with me while I talk on the phone
to you .
I heard a round of giggling as Elona repeated my words to Phil. A few moments la
ter, her level of laughter increased and I heard her shriek.
Me too! she said when she finally came back to the phone.
Better finish ..this conversation Oh God! ..
Mike had knelt down on the floor, lifted me onto the table, pulled down my knick
ers and buried his head between my legs.
..tomorrow .I?ve got ..to go ..bye Ellie!
I put the phone down and spread my legs wide. He was dying for me. Right there i
n the hall Mike nibbled the folds of my flesh while two fingers eased their way
in. I imagined what might be happening to Elona, that Phil?s strong body had mov
ed between Elona legs. I tried to imagine Elona?s excitement as she trembled in
anticipation of her first fuck. As Mike pleasured me between my legs, I pictured
Phil ripping open Elona?s blouse, then picking her up and carrying her to bed.
Friends or Lovers
In my mind?s eye, I watched him as he spread her legs and climbed between them.
His strong muscular buttocks thrust into her with each movement of Mike?s finger
s inside me. Just as I started to wonder whether it was pure wickedness to pictu
re Phil as Mike brought me off, waves of pleasure started to glide up through my
body. I arched back and focussed my thoughts on the feeling of Mike?s tongue wh
ile picturing Phil between Elona?s legs. The surge continued and built, and I su
rfed towards heaven, my breath shortening, my eyes closed, until the nerve ends
all pulsated simultaneously and I convulsed struggling to catch my breath.
As I lay there, moaning, Mike?s lips made their way up the front of my body gent
ly kissing the breasts that I had exposed, until I felt his breath on my face. H
e tried to kiss me but I pulled away.
How do you do that? I said.
Do what? he asked.
How d?you make me feel like that?
He laughed gently.
I don?t know. Comes naturally, I guess.
He did not intend the pun, but I laughed anyway. Then I put both my hands on his
cheeks and felt tears welling up in my eyes.
Have you any idea how deeply I am in love with you? I asked.
It was the first time I had uttered the actual words and I waited for his reply.
This much? he said, gesturing a small amount with his thumb and finger.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I laughed again but wanted to preserve the tenderness of the moment.
No. This much! I said as I pressed my lips onto his and aggressively pushed my ton
gue into his mouth. I held his head in my hands as I explored everything I could
find. As we kissed, he picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Aft
er carrying me to the bedroom, he threw me down manfully and put his hands on my
knees while glancing down at a huge erection.
And I love you this much! he said.
He tried to spread my legs but I resisted him. Something told me I was wicked bu
t I just knew he was dying for me. I revelled in the lust that we?d created and
teased him to the full, pretending to resist while egging him on to have his way
with me.
Come on, big boy, I said, remembering the way Elona and I had goaded Phil. Show me
what you are made of!
As these words left my mouth, I gave in and allowed him to overpower me. I held
his sleek and powerful body as it tensed and relaxed. I spread my legs as wide a
s I could, and guided his penis towards my pussy. Then, for reasons I could not
fathom, my mind suddenly cast itself back to the moment when John had asked me a
bout the army and sexism. Suddenly here, as Mike overpowered me and started to t
hrust himself deep into me, I found myself wondering if I had stumbled across th
e answer.
I immediately pushed the thought from my mind. As the man I had chosen to give m
y heart glided into me again and again, I helped to bring him to the heights of
ecstasy. As a teenager, my sister once said to me that she could not imagine any
thing more satisfying than the thought of her lover so filled with passion
Friends or Lovers
that he could not resist her. She would fantasise about her boyfriend so full of
lust that he would force himself on her as she tried to resist him. At the time
, I found her fantasies sick, as if she was fantasising about rape. But in this
moment I realised what was so exciting to her. I wanted to be Mike?s greatest fa
ntasy, the woman that he could not resist. I wanted to him to feel an uncontroll
able desire for me that no-one, not even I, could stop. If I could do that to hi
m for him he would be mine forever.
And there, as Mike arched in the throws of orgasm and shot his sperm deep into m
e, I hoped he was feeling the same crushing desire that I felt for him. I hoped
he felt the bewilderment and disorientation I felt when his magic tongue took me
to another plane of existence. I watched his face strain as he reached the limi
ts of his passion, every spark of sexual energy that he possessed ignited and fi
ring through his body. What greater gift could I give him? And what more could h
e give me than show his inability to resist me? As I lay on the bed, with Mike?s
spent body still lying inside me, I held him in my arms and wept. All the certa
inties that I had ever felt about how men and women should behave vanished in th
e dust. I had entered a new world and reached a new level of understanding.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 47
My first task, when I arrived at work the next morning, was to invite Phil into
my office for a private conference. I had two agendas - one personal, the other
professional. Unusually for him, he was late so I passed the time by checking ov
er my e-mails. There was the usual junk that I discarded, but today I looked at
them differently. I found myself less worried about pornography than e-mails off
ering prescription drugs. Did we want staff self-prescribing Vallium or Diazepam
? That thought horrified me considerably more than sex-invitations from places l
ike Dirty Dicks or Giant Jugs. In fact, I was tempted to tear up the zero-tolera
nce policy on porn completely. Would it really cause a problem to treat people l
ike adults and allow them to exercise their own judgement?
I received an e-mail from Dave. It was my appraisal form. When I started, one of
my first acts was to introduce 360º reviews. I had to appraise myself, then ask o
ne of my peers, then one of my subordinates and lastly get feedback from a direc
tor. The objective was to stimulate discussion and reflection about different pe
rceptions of my work.
I printed it and filled it in. Each part of the appraisal had tick boxes. The ti
ck boxes allowed each person to say how the employee performed relative to their
own expectations. I felt this was better than a 1 5 scale because communication
skills in a CEO were much more important than in a bookkeeper. But when it came t
o attention to detail the reverse was probably true.
It was strange filling out an appraisal form that I had designed myself, but I d
id it both quickly and diligently, adding written
Friends or Lovers
comments at the bottom of each section. I was quite hard on myself a reflection
of the difficult period I had just been through but in the comments I talked ext
ensively about what I had learnt. As soon as Phil arrived, I gave the form to hi
m and asked if he would complete it then pass it to Jo. Finally, Dave had to com
plete the section as director.
When Phil had completed the form I called him into my office. As he walked throu
gh the door the two of us beamed at each other in the knowledge that we had both
enjoyed the evening before.
Good morning, Mr Trent! I said with mock formality. Had a good evening, did you?
Yes, Ms Leyton, he replied with a smile. Very pleasant. How about you?
I?ve had worse! I replied in probably the biggest understatement of my entire life
.
Phil broke into laughter and I instinctively moved to embrace him.
Too late, he said, slightly defensively.
For what? I asked.
I?m off the market, Penny!
Before I could protest, I realised that he was having a joke with me.
Between friends, I said, I think it?s permitted.
My gentle sarcasm amused him and he felt slightly awkward as I put my arms aroun
d him for the first time. After a second, his arms made their way around my back
and he held me much more tightly than I expected. It felt really good. I found
myself hanging onto him and not letting go. I started to rub his back, then felt
his hands on mine.
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When we finally let go of each other, we looked into each other?s eyes and both
realised the intensity of the feelings that we had just communicated.
Well, there?s a first for everything! I said with some surprise.
She worships you, you know!
A sudden surge of modesty interrupted my moment of vanity.
I cannot think why! I replied.
I can, he said, as he separated himself from me and sat down in a chair.
You are too kind, sir! I said mocking him a bit, but inside I was uncomfortable at
anyone building me into a special person.
She gave me a message for you, by the way, added Phil.
What is it?
He rummaged around in his briefcase and brought out an envelope. On the outside
were the words Penny Leyton strictly Private and Confidential . I showed the writin
g to Phil.
Go on then, hoppit and come back in 5 minutes. Go make a coffee or something.
Aren?t you going to show me? he asked.
Rule number 1, I said, if an employee says something is private and confidential, t
hen treat it as private and confidential! Go on, see you in a moment!
Phil, slightly surprised, but accepting of my command, left for the coffee machi
ne while I opened the envelope. Inside was a folded bit of paper.
Penny, I lost something last night I m sure you ll understand what I mean. It was no
t the wonderful and incredible experience that I had hoped for but it was still
very exciting. I found the
Friends or Lovers
cuddling afterwards more enjoyable and we talked and talked. Waking up with some
one next to you is something else, isn t it? Is this normal I don t feel completely
bowled off my feet?
Ellie
I immediately picked up the phone and dialled her extension.
Can you talk? I asked.
Yes. There?s no-one here at the moment.
I got your note! I said.
Am I being too hard on him?
No, Ellie. Sex is like everything else in life. The more you practice it, the bet
ter it gets. Just be patient and it will happen. Was the spark there?
What do you mean?
I mean did you want to rip his clothes off and jump into bed with him?
 God, yes. But when we started it hurt a bit. He wasn?t that gentle!
Then tell him.
I can?t do that.
Why not?
I might hurt his feelings!
Why, I wondered, did people so often think that it was preferable not to hurt so
meone else?s feelings when their body was being hurt?
Ellie, he?ll want to give you as much pleasure as he can. If he doesn?t then you?
ll want to think again about whether he?s right for you.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Phil coming back into the office.
Rory Ridley-Duff
I have to go now, I said. Phil?s coming!
Don?t tell him. Please!
Jeez, Ellie! I wouldn?t dream of it. See you at the flat tonight, okay?
Yeah, sure!
I rang off as Phil entered the office.
She told you then?
No secrets between girlfriends, I answered.
What did she say?
That?s between me and her, but if you are wondering whether she wants to see you
again, I think I can definitely confirm that the answer is yes?!
He smiled as he gave me the coffee.
I?m more interested in what you have to say, I offered.
He suddenly looked quite sheepish and unsure. His eyes left mine for a moment an
d studied the floor and I noticed that his hands moved from his knees and joined
together in an awkward clasp. He was surprisingly nervous.
Phil? I asked. Are you alright? You don?t have to say anything.
This is in confidence, right?
Like a doctor and patient! I said, trying to be reassuring.
Well, it was good and all, but we didn?t I didn?t ..
He hesitated again. When he didn?t start talking I tried to give him some gentle
encouragement.
I realised that his anxiety about sharing his feelings was no different from min
e. As I watched Phil struggle it reminded me of my own struggle with John. I rem
embered how he had moved around to my side and gently reassured me. I decided to
Friends or Lovers
do the same. As I sat next to him, I put my arm on his back and helped him.
I was so excited, Penny! I just wanted her so bad, but she didn?t really know wha
t to do. Do you know what I mean?
I looked at him and nodded.
I mean I took her into the bedroom and I could tell she wanted me
He hesitated again. Clearly this was difficult for him to say.
But we didn?t
It?s okay nobody?s going to judge you, Phil.
We didn?t ..have any foreplay! he finally said.
I started to understand what he was saying and gently encouraged him.
I really like her and all, but I didn?t know how to ask her to you know ..?
I think I know what you mean, Phil! I said confidently.
I wanted her to but she didn?t seem to know anything. I just ended up sticking it i
n and pumping away. It hurt and I was worried about hurting her. But I?d started
and didn?t want to take it out because I thought she might think I didn?t want
to make love to her. I thought I might hurt her feelings.
I had to stifle a laugh he would not have understood why I found this funny. I w
as instantly relieved. They were going to do well if they cared so much about ea
ch others? feelings on their first date. Neither was interested in blaming the o
ther.
These are the moments when people are at their most vulnerable, when one wrong w
ord or gesture can destroy trust and end a relationship. I gently listened to hi
m and tried to work out how to tell him what he needed to hear. Can there be
Rory Ridley-Duff
anything more important in my line of work? Is there anything more important in
life?
Talk to her, Phil. Talk to her about her parents. Talk to her about her upbringin
g. If you can do that you will find the answers you are looking for and discover
someone who is going to bring you a lot of pleasure.
You think? he said.
No promises! I said, but I?m confident you?ll be happier the more you get to know h
er.
I just wanted it to be better for her, you know?
Then tell her, I said reassuringly.
I can?t do that!
I felt like I was in the middle of a re-run, but I smiled broadly and looked him
in the eye.
Tell her! I said gently. She?s ready to learn if you have the confidence to teach h
er.
As I looked at him, I saw his eyes grow moist. This was a first for me, I realis
ed. I couldn?t remember any other occasion when a man, any man, family, friend o
r lover, had expressed his fears to me about sex. I had always thought men didn?
t care but as Phil poured out his feelings, I thought about George, the lad I ha
d picked up in the bar when I was out with Carole and Chris. He had screamed at
me that he was not a piece of meat. As Phil talked about the pleasure he had wan
ted to bring Ellie, I thought about George and the violence I had done him by no
t treating him with respect. Where did he end up that night, I wonder? I tried t
o imagine how he must have felt as he walked away. Before I knew it, words start
ed to spill out of my mouth.
I did something once that I?m truly ashamed of . I started.
Friends or Lovers
It was my turn to feel ashamed and hesitant, to cast my eyes down on the floor a
nd wonder whether I had the courage to talk. I looked at Phil and his gentle smi
le reassured me.
I picked up a young lad once. He was called George, not even as old as you
It was Phil?s turn to touch me gently and reassure me that it was okay to talk.
I ruthlessly seduced him.
Phil looked surprised at my choice of words.
Yes, I ruthlessly seduced him, I repeated, letting the import of the words hang in
the air for a moment.
What happened? Phil asked.
I took him back to my flat and demanded service. When he wasn?t very good at it,
instead of gently telling him how to give me the pleasure I wanted, I did the mo
st disrespectful thing I?ve ever done ..
Phil sat there, saying nothing, but gently coaxed me with his eyes and gentle to
uch.
I , I began, but found it too hard to say at first.
As the realisation of what I had done engulfed me, my eyes started to moisten an
d tears started to roll down my nose and drip onto the floor.
I ..wished ., as I struggled to say it, I felt Phil?s hand at the small of my back rubb
ing my spine. It felt nice. I looked up at him with eyes full of tears.
I wished he was someone else.
Phil just nodded and suddenly the words started to flow much more freely. Out po
ured the story of that night with a frankness and level of detail that I had wit
hheld from John. I realised that I was letting Phil into my life, not just as a
professional
Rory Ridley-Duff
colleague but as my closest personal friend. I poured out my feelings to him for
nearly 15 minutes. When I stopped, Phil started to talk again.
Penny. I?ve never talked to anyone, ever, about this kind of stuff.
Never? I asked.
Never! he reaffirmed.
When I thought about it, for all John?s openness, for all my closeness to Mike,
neither of them had ever revealed to me how they felt about making love to a wom
an. When do men talk about this I wondered?
Never? I asked again.
He nodded more strongly.
Never! he said again.
My God, I said after a pause. What a thought!
As we gathered ourselves up we noticed the cold coffees on the table.
I?m going to get us some more drinks, I said, drying my eyes. Then, I have to tell
you that I think I?m going to be sacked.
Friends or Lovers
Chapter 48
The rest of the week was unsettling. After I had divulged to Phil what happened
at the CIPD event, Phil confessed to me that he?d been visited by Harry. At seni
or management levels, there was a growing interest in the dispute between Elona
and Mike. Phil reassured me that whatever happened I would always have his respe
ct. I told him he was too generous. I nearly screwed up completely for no other
reason than my own prejudices. Phil berated me for being too hard on myself and
said that I had come to terms with it more quickly and more fully than anyone el
se he had known. The way I changed my mind about Mike, and the care I had shown
to Elona, mattered more to him than the prejudices I had initially displayed. It
was this that gave him confidence in me.
I received my appraisal from Dave and there were no surprises. He had marked me
down on most aspects of my performance and cited the handling of the dispute as
the reason. Privately I knew that it had more to do with the way our relationshi
p had turned sour. This was the beginning of the end. Jo had been kind and posit
ive, as had Phil. Nevertheless, having briefed Dave and the other senior executi
ves about the appraisal process, I quickly realised that my continued employment
was problematic.
I took the matter into my own hands and visited Harry. I talked with him for nea
rly two hours, going over the issues that the appraisal had raised but avoiding
the matter of Dave?s behaviour toward me. At the end of our meeting, he said he
could make no promises? which I took to mean that a decision had already been tak
en.
Rory Ridley-Duff
As I left his office, I suddenly realised something that had never occurred to m
e before. It is only by keeping someone in a post after they have made a mistake
that a company can benefit from what they learn. The human resource policy capa
ble of developing truly outstanding leaders is the one that allows people to lea
rn from their mistakes. If our propensity to sack people, or demote them, goes u
nchecked then eventually a company loses the very people capable of forming a to
p-rate management team.
Intolerance toward failure removes the very people learning the most and those l
ucky enough to avoid it remain untouched. And so, a layer of new managers develo
ps beneath them - a generation of sycophants and conformists who (having watched
their own bosses fall from grace) learn not to take risks and never do anything
that might lead to failure. As conformity and false consensus takes root, chall
enges to management behaviour, ideals, thoughts and actions slowly fades away. M
anagers stop facing on a daily basis - the impacts of their decisions, or any mo
ral debate about their actions. Management failure is passed down the line and b
efore long senior managers start to wonder why no good people are coming through?
.
As I contemplated what would happen if I failed my probation, I felt in awe of t
he social forces that were assembling. Harry, perhaps, was about to make a corpo
rate decision that would spark a major conflict. Maybe he would survive it, mayb
e not, but his isolation from what had taken place meant that people around him
should have been urging caution. They should have been urging him to avoid actin
g precipitously.
I could see that matters were already spiralling out of control. Harry would act
on what he knew. My two-hour conversation
Friends or Lovers
was a drop in the ocean compared to the tidal wave of advice and information swe
eping across his desk from Dave and others who knew nothing of what had occurred
. I was foolish to harbour any hope. I was tempted to return to Harry?s office a
nd say all this. Instead I returned to my office and trusted that my friends wou
ld be able to bring off their coup d etat.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 49
John was waiting for me at Pizza Hut. I wanted to return to the scene of our fir
st meeting. He had anticipated a long lunch and had ordered a bottle of wine. It
felt like a homecoming. At the end of such an emotional week, I was particularl
y glad to see him.
His contract at IC was at an end. He felt the training had gone well and that th
ere was now a good chance that the SHARE experience would sell well. As we looke
d over the menu, he chatted about progress. Before I left, I talked to Jo and re
alised that John?s contribution was not just technical. In the time he had been
there, he had formed a committed and thriving team. The way he talked and cut th
rough bullshit impacted on staff morale. Two-months earlier when the department
had been formed, there was a group of disparate and irritable people. Now it was
a cohesive squad equipped to take on the competition. I finally realised why Jo
hn?s reputation was so good.
Everything is set, he said.
That?s good. A week ago I was dreading this, but now I?m quite excited about it.
Mike talked to everyone in the department yesterday. The reaction was really good
. He let me say my piece. I was moved that people listened to my views and were
so supportive.
It was good to hear that the future was positive for IC staff despite the direct
ion of my own life. We were gearing up for the largest marketing and sales push
in our history and even Sam and Elaine had taken the time to speak with everyone
. They had
Friends or Lovers
organised a drinks reception to round off the day: a last chance to let their ha
ir down before the big push .
We chatted and exchanged small talk until the food came. Then I decided to get p
ersonal. Several things bugged me and I wanted to clear them up.
John? I started tentatively.
Yes, Pen?
Why did you sit next to me on the plane?
Seriously?
Yes, I really want to know! I said.
Remember my talk at the CIPD?
Could hardly forget it!
Well, your arse was definitely part of the equation but not the main reason!
What else?
I noticed you sitting in the lounge. Our eyes met a couple of times and I liked t
hat. You were reading a book, like me. It was a novel by Bernice Rubens, I think
. I?ve read her novels so I thought we might get on. But it was when you moved i
n the queue that I realised you?d noticed me too.
I was listening attentively, trying to see myself through his eyes and understan
d how I had impacted on him. He looked at me from time to time, but as he spoke
he focussed more and more on his thoughts. His eyes wandered around, looking var
iously at his food, the table and me. As he did so, his face lit up.
The clincher was definitely the shoelaces, he said.
You mentioned that in the speech, didn?t you?
Yes. When you did that I knew you must?ve read Ms magazine.
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I did not understand how he could work out that I had once read Ms magazine.
How could you know that?
Easy. That?s where the advice was first given to women. There was an article in t
he mid-90s telling women how to flirt at work. The headline was quite uninspirin
g, I remember. I think it was something like The Working Woman?s Guide to Sex at
Work? right before an article about sexual harassment! Anyway, I pictured you as
 a single professional woman who enjoyed her independence and men!
We both laughed at the irony, but I was still amazed that he?d made a connection
.
You never cease to amaze, John. Are you really telling me that you remembered thi
s article about tying non-existence shoelaces while in the queue at the airport?
It?s not so strange Penny. I didn?t read the article, I wrote it! I added that bi
t of advice about the shoelace as a joke. I?d never seen anybody do it. I though
t the idea was amusing and it would be a laugh for the magazine?s readers.
You?
Why so surprised? I?d just finished my PhD and was full of that stuff. I had to m
ake a living and for a short while I wrote lots of magazine articles.
I can?t believe it! I said, absolutely gob-smacked.
John looked me square in the eye.
So there you were doing something to attract me that I?d written about nearly 10
years earlier. It was art creating life. I was looking at you in those fantastic
jeans and pondering the connection between us. I stood there behind you and rea
lised
Friends or Lovers
that my life had touched yours 10 years earlier. I couldn?t resist talking to yo
u.
As I was trying to take this in, to comprehend the myriad of different things th
at he had been thinking about when we met, I realised what a complex and acciden
tal thing attraction can be.
Do you remember what you asked me on the plane?
We chatted for ages, I must?ve asked you many things, he replied.
About sexism in the army!
Did I ask you that? My goodness we must have got on well for me to ask you that!
He had forgotten. To me that question had separated him from everyone else I?d e
ver known. To him, the question was old hat, a party piece that he?d asked hundr
eds, if not thousands of times.
Yes! You were very forward, I said.
You mean there are people more forward than me? he joked.
I tried to think of one, but could not.
Well, there?s me! I answered.
Yes, he laughed. You?re definitely more forward than me!
As we laughed, I wanted to tell him of my discovery.
I have an answer for you.
To what?
To your question, dummy!
Oh, that? he said mockingly as I realised that he was jesting with me.
If you have, Pen, then you have my total respect. Usually I have to spend ages gi
ving hints and heavy clues before people work it out.
I hesitated. What if I had missed the point and was about to make a complete foo
l of myself? I dismissed it quickly from my
Rory Ridley-Duff
thoughts. If I was to become a fool again, it would take its place at the back o
f a very long list of foolish thoughts and actions. I wanted to know whether my
answer was the one he was looking for so I set aside my fears and told him.
He looked gob-smacked. How did you come up with that?
He was truly amazed. Just as I was about to panic that I?d made a huge gaff, a g
rin started to spread over his face. His hand moved to his cheek and he rubbed i
t as his mouth stayed open. He was truly amazed.
How did you work it out, Pen? he asked.
It?s strange, really, I said.
So I started to tell the story. Mike had been fondling me while I was talking on
the phone and in my head I kept thinking he?s dying for me, really dying for me?
. That phrase kept popping into my head. And then, as I started to tease him and
goad him I had a sudden realisation that I wanted him to be strong I wanted him
to be stronger than me. So I started to resist him. Initially, I felt bad, as i
f I was doing something wrong, but I wanted him to overpower me to prove to me t
hat he could. I wanted to test that his love was so great that I couldn?t stop h
im expressing it.
And in the next instant, I thought how unfair it was that I should be testing hi
m, making him use force to get what I dearly wanted to give anyway. I was encour
aging him to be aggressive and I started to wonder why I was doing it. Then it h
it me. I wanted him to prove he was stronger than me. Never before had I thought
of sex as a kind of test through which men had to pass to prove their strength.
Never before had I thought of the problems that might create.
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So I set out for John what had been going through my head. If he was not stronge
r than me, how could he ever protect me? And the moment I felt ashamed of thinki
ng this way, I stopped resisting him. And yet, the phrase he?s dying for me kept s
pinning through my head. Suddenly, I put these two thoughts together. I wanted h
im to overpower me so that I would know he was strong enough to protect me, even
die for me. I wondered about that phrase. Why do we say he?s dying for me?? Wher
e does that expression come from? There I was lying there wanting him to prove t
hat he would be prepared to die for me.
John?s question popped into my head it was one of those flashes of intuition tha
t have no explanation. What could be more sexist than expecting a man to die for
you when you were not prepared to die for him? Would I be prepared to die for h
im? I would kill to keep him, but that was not the same thing as being prepared
to die to save him. I wanted him to be prepared to die for me, but I realised th
at I would not die for him. So I stopped teasing him and started to care instead
about giving him as much pleasure as I could.
It gave me my first true glimpse of the power that women can wield that we make
a man feel that he has to prove his willingness to die before we will love him.
Mike, I knew, would sacrifice himself for me, but not in the movie hero sense. A
few days before, when we had been driving home, he told me that he would let me
go if I wanted children. I could not imagine making such a sacrifice.
But your question, John, I continued. It stopped me insisting that he be prepared t
o die for me as a pre-condition of my love. I gave it to him willingly, no preco
nditions, no tests.
Rory Ridley-Duff
That?s it, Penny! That?s what men are taught to do. Usually they never think twic
e about it for the entirety of their lives.
We expect men to die. We expect them to die to protect us. And for no other reaso
n than they are men, I said, finally.
What a journey I had travelled. For the last 20 years, since I had been introduc
ed to feminism, I had been taught (and taught others) that war was caused by men
, fought by men, for the benefit of men. It had taken me all this time to see it
a different way. War might be fought in the minds of the men who fought them to
protect those they love. Perhaps it was not even for this reason. For them, per
haps, it was to show themselves worthy of someone?s love. As I faced up to the t
ruth that I would not die for my man, but wanted him to be prepared to die for m
e, my own part in men?s violence became clearer to me.
John interrupted my thoughts with some of his own.
If we cared about equality, Pen if we valued men as much as women - we would be r
ecruiting the strongest people to fight our wars. Many women are strong and fit,
even if the average man is stronger than the average women. By rights, our armi
es would have many women fighting alongside men. Equality means that women would
insist on their responsibility to fight, not just their right.
I thought about this for a second and suddenly became bold.
Then that?s what we should do, I said. It?s only fair!
Fair, yes. Sensible, maybe not.
Why? Surely we should recognise this .. I said with ardour of a convert.
John stopped me.
There is another point of view, he said firmly.
Friends or Lovers
I gestured for him to continue.
Let?s suppose that there was a battle and after there were 1,000 women left in a
village who could bear children, but only 100 men. Would the society be able to
survive?
Of course. And those men are going to be busy, aren?t they?
I suppose they are, he said.
His face, however, was not whimsical.
But what if it was the other way around? What if there were 1,000 men and only 10
0 women left?
His question made me think. It would take countless more generations to rebuild
a community if this happened. I thought about his words but challenged them.
I don?t buy that, I started. If women and men were fighting on the front line toget
her, not only would they be building mutual respect and enduring relationships w
ith each other, when the battle was over there would be roughly equal numbers le
ft. I think any community would be happier as a result of that, wouldn?t they, e
ven if there were not as many left. Women have fought alongside men in revolutio
ns so why not in armies?
He smiled at me.
Would you fight? he asked.
I hesitated.
Would you? I responded.
I don?t have a choice, Penny.
Of course you do, I insist. We don?t force people into the army.
John disagreed.
Look at the history of war. If I refuse to fight, my own government is likely to
put me in jail where I can be expect to
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be beaten, buggered and left to die. If I fight at first, then change my mind, I
am court-marshalled for cowardice, not bravery. Not long ago I would have been
executed if I tried to reject violence. My only other alternative would be to ta
ke up arms against my own government which means fighting my own people, my own
brothers and sisters. Either way, I?m left with no way out of violence. I can ch
oose the enemy, my own government, or a court of law. Even if my own country sup
ported a right to conscientiously object, would I get mercy from the enemy? he as
ked.
What do you mean?
Do you remember Fallujah? he enquired.
Fallujah? In Iraq you mean?
Yes. No man between the age of 15 and 55 was allowed out of the city before the U
S forces attacked it. Remember the phrase they used? The soldiers were clearing t
he ground?. They cleared the ground by shooting everyone they came across.
But that?s genocide, I objected.
No, John replied. Only men were killed. The women and children were allowed to leav
e. Even if my own side spares me, the enemy won?t. They don?t care if I support
the war or not, they?ll still kill me. Again, I have no choice except to fight.
My God! was all I could say. The horror of this appalled me. I felt sick. John saw
my discomfort.
I don?t have the choices you do, Penny. It?s not a question that really means any
thing to me. It?s not true that men love war. If we did, there would be no need
for conscription, no need for draft laws, no need for military laws to punish de
serters, no
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need for court marshals, no executions or jail for men when they reject violence
.
I wondered what it must be like to grow up constantly wondering if, one day, you
would be forced to fight against your will. Suddenly it made sense that little
boys played with guns. It?s not necessary to teach them, they simply work out fo
r themselves that one day they may have to fight.
Keep saying these things, John. Don?t let anyone stop you.
He nodded and the conversation moved onto an assortment of trivia as we finished
off a lovely stuffed crust pizza with chargrilled chicken, peppers and extra chee
se. After a second bottle of wine, I was too drunk to drive home so we walked it
 off in the park and visited a coffee bar. I had a truly wonderful day.
Rory Ridley-Duff
Chapter 50
I wish I could tell you that things worked out well, that truth and justice prev
ailed, that the initial love I felt for Mike lasted until the day I died. I wish
I could say that most of us lived happily for most of our lives. It wasn?t to h
appen, but as things changed, new relationships were formed and moments of happi
ness were found amidst the problems we all faced.
I was sacked. Or, if you prefer the description on my employment record Penny fai
led her probationary period because of poor job performance . It would have been e
asy to get bitter and start a crusade over the injustice but I did not want to b
ecome another statistic at the Equal Opportunity Commission, or a voice to be us
ed against men and women I had come to respect. They did their best, but were as
frail, prejudiced and limited as me.
If it had not been for the intervention of a gifted person, who did so only out
of affection for me, I would have added to these statistics myself. I did not wa
nt to end up being one of the women who contributed to the problems that men fac
e today, problems which after millennia of neglect are finally becoming the subj
ect of debate. But nor did I want to become another woman who gave up her dreams
of mixing work and family by finding a balance that enabled me to enjoy life ou
tside the home. Several generations of women made it possible for me to exercise
choice, some died so that I could do so, and I felt a responsibility to give ba
ck some of what they had given to me.
John returned to his wife and they continued, between his and her escapades, to
make their peace with each other. For the rest of his life he enjoyed if that is
the right word an open
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marriage. I prefer to think of them as two free spirits with the capacity to for
give each other when loneliness led them astray. John saw Sally from time to tim
e, and certainly whenever she needed his support he made himself available. At t
he same time, he kept returning home from his travels to enjoy time with the fam
ily that he created, nurtured and loved.
Professionally, John remained a nomad for another decade before finally giving i
n to the temptation of politics. My cynicism about politicians faded dramaticall
y as I met him over the years and learned of the endless no-win scenarios that t
hey face. It was impossible, of course, for him ever be completely free of bias
or prejudice, or the interests within which he had become embedded, but I watche
d as he did his best to navigate them. He never rose to the level of cabinet min
ister but he distinguished himself in small ways as a member of one government.
You have probably never heard of him.
After serving just one term, he lost his seat and switched to writing. I have hi
s books and read each one that comes out. He remains my dearest and most endurin
g friend. Once or twice, at times when we both felt sad, we got together to spen
d good times. Sometimes we would cuddle on the sofa. But and this is something I
partly regret, but am also proud of we have not felt the need to consummate our
relationship. It is no less special for that and we continue to protect what we
have in ways that seem right to us.
I enjoyed many happy years with Mike, but he was right about my desire to have c
hildren. I gave him one or two pushes in that direction but he kept his word and
stubbornly encouraged me into a new relationship. We parted amicably and he rem
ains a good friend. Sally was immediately on the scene and this time
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Mike gave in to her. She had been through the menopause and Mike lost his excuse
for resisting her. They are now married. Sally finally got her man. Nine years
after his first wife had falsely accused him of sleeping with her, Mike ended up
committing himself to Sally for life. When I meet them, I detect the kind of cl
oseness that I have in my own marriage. They are one of life?s happy couples.
As for Sam and Elaine, their marriage hit the rocks about five years later. The
success of their company created problems. Elaine enjoyed life as a company dire
ctor and took on more directorships. She got a buzz from the political battles a
nd liked to forge change. Sam, when the success of SHARE began to fade, wanted t
o get back to inventing and engineering new products. She was the business brain
s and it was her will that prevailed in the short term. After Procter & Gamble b
ought them out, their marriage failed. Sam rejoined IC to engineer new products.
Dave kept his job, of course, but the events that took place following my depart
ure cost him dearly. His wife went into a hospice where she died six-months late
r. Within twelve months he had been demoted. Afterwards, he had a breakdown. Acc
ording to Phil, he never fully recovered. I once wrote to him to see whether he
wanted to talk about the past. He declined, adding that he hoped never to see me
again. It was a sad way for our relationship to end and despite the bitterness
on his side, I think of the good times we had.
My sister Carole married Chris, and their second child Penny Ann was born one da
y early. In giving a best woman? speech, I discovered my talent for public speaki
ng. I also found myself taking a much greater interest in being an aunt. The lov
e
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between Carole and Chris was elastic: it stretched and bent as life threw its wo
rst at them. Each had a tremendous capacity to accommodate the other?s weaknesse
s and failings.
Phil and Elona had a crack at things, eventually got married and had two childre
n. However, it did not last. When Elona?s parents retired, they devoted themselv
es to grandparenthood. Phil felt they spent all their time interfering in his ma
rriage and the raising of his children. He felt so superfluous that eventually h
e left. When Elona took out a court injunction to stop Phil seeing his children,
it created a big rift between Elona and myself. Given what happened later, I fo
und it impossible to build bridges with her again.
Phil got limited access after a lengthy court battle. It took much of the spirit
out of him for many years, and when his children started blaming him for the ma
rriage break-up, he eventually stopped seeing them altogether. It broke his hear
t. He writes to them each birthday and still clings onto the hope that one day h
e will be able to make up for lost time.
As for me, the contingency plan worked a treat. I went to work for Sam and Elain
e. Phil was promoted into my position at IC and we kept in touch. Mike, with hel
p from John, Sam and Elaine, persuaded the entire SHARE team to leave IC and bec
ome members of Sam and Elaine?s company. In exchange for giving up continuous em
ployment rights, Sam and Elaine gave each member a generous shareholding in the
new company. Everyone expected the SHARE product to be a success, so they took u
p this opportunity in large numbers.
There was a furious legal battle, of course, but Sam and Elaine had committed in
vestors and staff. When I look back, the dispute between Elona and Mike was the
catalyst that ended
Rory Ridley-Duff
IC?s rapid growth. In the 5 years that followed, I rode on the crest of a wave a
s the SHARE experience exceeded all our expectations and became the number one s
eller in the personal hygiene market. It gave the rampant rabbit a good run as t
he number one sex toy, but never toppled it. Many of us became paper millionaire
s for a while, but arrogance and shortsightedness eroded the share price before
the company was sold off.
I remain close to Elaine and we both did well out of the company sale. We formed
a new business together the Social Exchange. Today, I am its managing director
and we help organisations develop progressive approaches to human resource manag
ement. John works with us on some projects, but he is getting quite old now. As
I learnt through reflecting on my life and writing this story, it is not only in
side the home that intimate relationships are of vital importance.
Each new business starts out with two people who like and trust each other well
enough to give the other what they need. While banks and development agencies ge
t flustered about business planning, finance, constitutional matters and legal f
rameworks, this simple truth is not stated often enough. Trade begins when you t
rust someone enough to pay for the products or services they offer. That can hap
pen without any written agreement, or company constitution, and certainly does n
ot require a written contract of employment. Through the simple act of exchangin
g labour for money, two people enter into their own agreement. If it works for t
hem both, they continue it.
It is a thankless task arguing against bureaucracy, against the trend towards ev
er more standards of excellence, standardised codes of ethics and kitemarks, aga
inst increasing numbers of
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laws that seek to regulate not only our behaviour, but even the way we articulat
e our thoughts. In this struggle I have unsurprisingly - made little headway. Bu
t I am pleased to have influenced a few organisations so that they keep bureaucr
acy to a minimum and replace this with the exercise of moral judgement in the wa
y they deal with investors, customers, employees and suppliers.
For a business to grow, there needs to be a culture in which relationships are i
ntimate and people can learn from the mistakes they make. I learned this at IC,
and that is why I wanted to tell you this story. Intimate relationships are the
foundation our society, and from them spring not just new human life but new eco
nomic life as well. Thankfully I have been able to make a living saying this to
many people, and exploring ways to make it work in practice.
After I split from Mike, and Phil split from Elona, I started to see Phil more.
Our friendship developed into a lasting romance. We now have two lovely children
: a boy I insisted we call John. Three years later we had a girl. We called her
Hope. It may not last, these things are never certain, but for now I am content.
Phil and I are the closest of friends and managed to rekindle our passion for e
ach other after we got the kids out of our bed. As I look to the future, there i
s only one thing of which I am certain. There is a strength that grows from bein
g quick to listen and slow to judge. If I can teach this to my children and gran
dchildren, my time on this earth will not have been wasted.
~ End ~<PIXTEL_MMI_EBOOK_2005>17</PIXTEL_MMI_EBOOK_2005>