FRIENDS

"The One With Monica's Television Debut"

Written by

Lina Larson - Henrik Barenborg

1 LMU DRIVE MSB-1505

Los Angeles, CA 90045 FINAL DRAFT
(206)455-1551
04 24, 2018
 (CONT’D)

(CONT’D)

(CONT’D)

(CONT’D)

(CONT’D)

TEASER

INT. CENTRAL PERK - DAY

(ROSS, JOEY, PHOEBE, RACHEL, MONICA)

ROSS WALKS IN THE FRONT DOOR AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE COUCHES
WHERE THE GANG IS HANGING OUT.

ROSS

Heyo guys!

ROSS LETS OUT A LOUD SNEEZE. JOEY SHIELDS HIS CROISSANT AS

ROSS SITS DOWN.

JOEY

Whoa there! Watch it sick-o!

ROSS SITS BETWEEN RACHEL AND PHOEBE AND THEY SLOWLY SCOOT
AWAY FROM HIM TO THEIR RESPECTIVE ENDS ON THE COUCH.

PHOEBE

Hey Ross! How are you feeling?

RACHEL TUCKS HER FACE INTO HER SHIRT.

ROSS

I’m just fighting a minor cold.

PHOEBE SCOOTS A LITTLE FURTHER AWAY FROM HIM.

JOEY

Geez, Ross, you haven’t repelled women

like that since... I guess the last

time you tried to flirt with one.

Lina - Henrik 2.

ROSS

Thanks Joey... I didn’t realize you

all were a bunch of germaphobes.

ROSS SNEEZES, STARTLING EVERYONE.

PHOEBE

Somebody get the leper a tissue!

RACHEL, WITH HER SHIRT COVERING HER NOSE AND MOUTH GRABS THE
STRAW OUT OF JOEY’S DRINK AND USES IT TO PUSH A TISSUE BOX ON
THE COFFEE TABLE TOWARDS ROSS.

ROSS

Okay that’s a little overkill.

RACHEL

Hey, we have a baby to take care of so

I’m not taking any chances here. And

don’t act like you don’t do the same

thing when you change Emma’s diaper!

AS ROSS LEANS TOWARD THE TISSUES HE GETS ANOTHER SNEEZE

ATTACK AND ACCIDENTALLY PICKS UP THE CROISSANT INSTEAD.
PHOEBE AND RACHEL GASP IN DISGUST. JOEY STANDS UP AND THROWS
HIS HANDS IN THE AIR.

JOEY

Ah man! I don’t like jelly croissants!

ROSS PUTS THE CROISSANT BACK ON JOEY’S PLATE. MONICA RUSHES

INTO CENTRAL PERK.

MONICA

I have incredible news! Do you know

Good Morning with Brenda Lee Jones?

PHOEBE FREES HER FACE FROM HER SHIRT.

Lina - Henrik 3.

PHOEBE

Yeah! Once I saw her reading the paper

on the subway. She has a glass eye!

MONICA

Okay... well I’ve been invited on to

be a guest chef!

JOEY

Whoa! How did she get a glass eye?

PHOEBE

She said she got it from looking up at

the eclipse on the golf course.

RACHEL

Anyway... That’s amazing! What are you

making?

MONICA

Italian Bucatini Carbonara.

ROSS

What exactly is a Buca de Carboniti?

MONICA

It’s just the traditional Carbonara

combining pancetta or some toothsome

guanciale with foraged egg yolks, and

a curated selection of cheese

reduction. Deconstructed, of course.

JOEY AND PHOEBE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG. ROSS, COUGHING,
STANDS UP. MONICA AVOIDS HIM.

ROSS

I’m so proud of you Monica!

Lina - Henrik 4.

MONICA

Don’t even think about touching me

with those germ infested hands!

ROSS PLUMMETS INTO HIS SEAT.

ROSS

Thank you. I feel so loved.

MONICA

I’m sorry. I can’t afford to get sick.

Everything must go perfectly. Millions

of people will be watching!

MONICA GRABS THE CROISSANT AND TAKES A BITE. EVERYONE WATCHES

IN HORROR.

ROSS

Wait! Don't!

MONICA

What?

JOEY

Uh, that’s mine!

RACHEL

Yeah, uh, you know Joey hates sharing!

MONICA

Sorry Joey! But, what’s the deal guys?

ROSS

Uh nothing. Hope you like jelly.

AS WE:

FADE OUT:

END TEASER
Lina - Henrik 5.

ACT ONE

SCENE A

INT. CHANDLER AND MONICA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (DAY 1)

(RACHEL, MONICA, CHANDLER)

RACHEL AND MONICA, SITTING ON THE COUCH, SHARE A BOTTLE OF

WINE. MONICA POURS RACHEL A LIGHT GLASS.

RACHEL

Don’t be cheap. Top me off.

CHANDLER ENTERS AND JOINS THEM.

MONICA

Hey Honey. Can I pour you a glass?

CHANDLER

Only if it’s a slow acting poison.

RACHEL

Close. It’s Bevmo’s Chuck-A-Buck. Faux-

fatal without the after-taste?

MONICA

Oh, Sweets, what’s wrong?

CHANDLER

Well I was notified that I’m up for a

promotion.

MONICA

That’s great!
Lina - Henrik 6.

CHANDLER

But then I found out that I’m

competing against some new transfer

hot shot named Brad McMan.

RACHEL

Well, if he’s half the McMann you

are... Sorry. That’s the cheap wine

speaking.

MONICA

Oh. Have confidence. I believe in you.

RACHEL

Maybe you should have some wine.

CHANDLER

No I can’t. I need to prepare for my

interview with my CEO on Monday. I

heard Brad McMan eats and breathes

advertising copywriting.

RACHEL

He’s probably some average Joe who’s

still a virgin, lives with his

grandma, and his idea of fun is

watching the bubbles in the water

cooler. You know what?!

Lemme find this McMan on Facebook.

I’ll bet you ten bucks that once you

look at his profile picture all your

worries will disappear.

Lina - Henrik 7.

RACHEL TAKES OUT HER PHONE.

CHANDLER

Damn! I forgot that my job like your’s

is solely based on aesthetics.

RACHEL

Shut up I found him. Wait. Oh my god.

CHANDLER

What?

RACHEL REVEALS THE PHOTO.

CHANDLER (CONT’D)

Crap! He’s fan of the New York Jets.

RACHEL

And a fan of the gym! How many abs can

one man have?! I bet he has washboard

on his resume too.

CHANDLER

My CEO wears a New York Jets tie every

Monday. I’m Screwed!

MONICA

That is one beautiful man.

CHANDLER

Jesus. He’s not that good looking.

RACHEL

That’s because you’re just fixated on

his Jets hat, while we’re fixated on

everything below it.

Lina - Henrik 8.

MONICA

More like mesmerized.

CHANDLER

Hi Monica! Remember me! Your husband

and future father of your baby.

MONICA

Oooh scroll to the next photo!

RACHEL

They just keep getting better.

CHANDLER GRABS THE PHONE.

RACHEL (CONT’D)

Hey give that back! Don’t worry! I’ll

gladly give you that ten bucks.

CHANDLER

I don’t care about the ten bucks!

RACHEL

I’ll give you another ten if you can

help set me up with McMan.

CHANDLER

Screw it. I’ll take that glass.

RACHEL POURS HIM A GLASS.

RACHEL

So is that a yes?

CHANDLER

Never mind. Give me the entire bottle.

AS WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 9.

SCENE B

INT. RACHEL AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (DAY 1)

(JOEY, OLD WOMAN)

JOEY FLEXES HIS ARMS IN A MIRROR.

JOEY

How you doin’?

SFX: DOOR KNOCK

JOEY, PUZZLED, LOOKS BACK AT HIS REFLECTION.

JOEY (CONT’D)

Excuse me.

SFX: DOOR KNOCK

JOEY LOOKS OVER AT THE DOOR. HE ANSWERS IT. AN OLD WOMAN WITH
A HUNCHBACK STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM.

JOEY (CONT’D)

Hello, can I help you?

OLD WOMAN

Hello young man. My grandfather, Elmer

B. Brockton used to live in this very

apartment.

THE OLD WOMAN’S EYES WIDEN AS SHE LOOKS AROUND. SHE PUSHES
HER WAY THROUGH THE DOOR, COMPLETELY IGNORING HIM.

JOEY

Come right in I guess.

Lina - Henrik 10.

THE OLD WOMAN WANDERS AROUND THE APARTMENT EXAMINING THE

LAYOUT AND CARESSING THE LIVING ROOM WALLS.

OLD WOMAN

It’s just the same as I remembered it.

I remember listening to the first ever

radio right here.

JOEY

Whoah how old are you? You gotta be at

least 200!

SHE CONTINUES TO WANDER AROUND.

OLD WOMAN

So many memories. He use to read me

countless fairytales in this

apartment. Stories of dragon fights

and heroic rescues.

JOEY

Elmer was a Knight!

OLD WOMAN

Oh no. He was an electrician back in

his day. Not a very good one though.

He died right over there in the

kitchen, while installing a light.

THE OLD LADY POINTS TO HIS BEDROOM. JOEY STEPS BACK, ALARMED.

JOEY

Wait he died in the kitchen? Where I

keep my food...
Lina - Henrik 11.

OLD WOMAN

Yes. At least he died doing what he

loved... oh my would you look at-

THE LIGHTS START TO FLICKER. JOEY FREEZES, EYES DARTING

AROUND THE ROOM.

JOEY

Oh, must be a power outage. Too bad

Earnie isn’t here to fix... whoa.

THE LIGHTS STOP FLICKERING.

OLD WOMAN

(Eerily) Or maybe he is...

OLD WOMAN (CONT’D)

Oh well, I guess my grandmother was

always right that Ernie was too much

of a prick to ever pass on to the

golden gates. Thank you for letting me

see the place. I best get going now.

THE OLD LADY EXITS.

JOEY

Wait?! What?! No! Don’t leave me

alone!

THE LIGHTS GO OUT. JOEY SCREAMS.

AS WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 12.

SCENE C

INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - DAY (DAY 2)

(MONICA, PHOEBE, ROSS)

MONICA SITS AT THE KITCHEN TABLE CRADLING A BOX OF TISSUES IN

HER PAJAMAS. THERE IS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR AND SHE GETS UP TO
ANSWER.

MONICA

Coming!

PHOEBE ENTERS.

PHOEBE

Oh hey, ready to go to brunch? Oh. Why

aren’t you dressed yet?

MONICA SNEEZES INTO THE CROOK OF HER ELBOW.

MONICA

I think Ross got me sick. If I’m not

better for my TV appearance on Monday

I’m going to kill him.

MONICA SITS BACK DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.

PHOEBE

If it makes you feel any better, he’s

probably suffering just as much as you

are.
Lina - Henrik 13.

THE DOOR KNOCKS. ROSS, NOW COMPLETELY HEALTHY ENTERS.

ROSS

Hey guys!

PHOEBE

Hey Ross! How are you feeling?

ROSS

I’m great!

MONICA

Oh screw you!

MONICA SNEEZES INTO A TISSUE.

ROSS

What?

PHOEBE

How are you already over your cold?

ROSS

Oh I just took some cold and flu

medication. I have some on me.

ROSS PULLS OUT DAYQUIL CAPSULES FROM HIS POCKET.

ROSS (CONT’D)

Do you feel weak, achy and feverish?

MONICA

Yes, yes, and yes.

ROSS HANDS HER THE CAPSULES.

ROSS

The contents of this near impenetrable

packaging will help with that.

PHOEBE SNATCHES THE MEDS OUT OF MONICA’S HAND.

Lina - Henrik 14.

PHOEBE

Hold up Monica. Pharmaceuticals can

have dangerous side effects. My step

aunt hallucinated on these and

kidnapped a kid at Sea World.

MONICA

What? What happened?

PHOEBE

She got arrested after taking the kid

to the pound.

ROSS

The pound?

PHOEBE

It had on a child leash so she thought

he was a stray. Common mistake.

ROSS

Monica, the chance of that happening

is so statistically unlikely. You’ll

be fine.

MONICA

What other choice do I have here?

PHOEBE

Well that aunt sees an herbalist over

in China town. She swears by his

natural curing powers.

Lina - Henrik 15.

MONICA

Really? What does your mother suffer

from?

PHOEBE

What? Kidnapping isn’t enough?

ROSS

I mean it would be a lot easier if you

just took the meds but -

PHOEBE SITS DOWN NEXT TO MONICA, TAKES HER HAND AND LOOKS HER
IN THE EYE.

PHOEBE

But think of the children.

MONICA LOOKS TO ROSS, WHO IS ROLLING HIS EYES.

ROSS

Fine. Chinese herbology has the oldest

continuous written history of any

medical system on Earth, it must have

something going for it.

MONICA

Okay, lets go!

MONICA, PHOEBE, AND ROSS ALL GRAB THEIR BELONGINGS AND EXIT.

AND WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 16.

SCENE D

INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT - DAY (DAY 2)

(JOEY, CHANDLER)

CHANDLER PACES AROUND THE CLOSED BATHROOM DOOR.

JOEY

You’re still there right?!

CHANDLER

Yes Joey...

JOEY CRACKS OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR AND STICKS HIS HEAD OUT.

JOEY

You can’t leave me alone with the

ghost. I can feel him all around me.

JOEY CLOSES THE DOOR.

CHANDLER

Just calm down. There’s no ghost.

Plus, I can’t deal with this right

now. I gotta worry about McMann. Not

even my own wife can take her eyes off

of this guy and his overrated eight

pack.

JOEY STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE DOOR AGAIN.

Lina - Henrik 17.

JOEY

Hey, it’s not like he’s going to take

his shirt off in the office!

And ya gotta give yourself some more

credit. You’re at least the second

best looking guy in our group.

CHANDLER

Lemme guess. You’re first.

JOEY

Well, it obviously isn’t Ross.

CHANDLER

Obviously.

JOEY

Just find something around his office

that you can relate to.

CHANDLER

But that’s the thing. His office is

packed with Jets stuff. No amount of

money in the world will make me a Jets

fan! They’re the bottom feeders of our

country.

JOEY

Alright yeah screw the Jets, but there

has to be something you and the boss

have in common.

CHANDLER

(DEFEATED) Oh, I don’t know.

Lina - Henrik 18.

JOEY

Hey man. At the end of the day, it’s

confidence that counts. Just envision

me. Be me. Act like me. And bang

you’ll have confidence!

THE BATHROOM DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND JOEY STANDS THERE IN

NOTHING BUT A SPEEDO. CHANDLER, STARTLED, JUMPS.

JOEY (CONT’D)

It’s for a swim suit commercial. But

come on now, what do you really think?

CHANDLER

Okay. Okay. Uhhh, you look... shiny!

AND WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 19.

SCENE E

INT. CHINESE HERBAL STORE - DAY

(ROSS, PHOEBE, MONICA, CHINESE HERBALIST)

MONICA FILLS OUT A QUESTIONNAIRE, WHILE PHOEBE AND ROSS

SCRUTINIZE THE ECCENTRIC STORE OF ODD HERBS. ROSS COVERS HIS
NOSE.

ROSS

I feel like my nostrils are burning!

PHOEBE PICKS UP A JAR.

PHOEBE

Caterpillar fungus! I’m in heaven!

ROSS

Monica. Please. Hurry. Now.

MONICA

I’m trying, but how can anyone answer

these questions? When your throat

burns, does it cloud the chakra in

your mind’s eye? What...

PHOEBE

You should ask for brain bleach! It’ll

do wonders for your third eye. Really

gets the chakra flowing. Plus you see

colors!
Lina - Henrik 20.

ROSS

Who’s your doctor? Timothy Leary?

PHOEBE

You knew Tim! He showed me brain

bleach back in the 80’s!

ROSS

That explains a lot.

MONICA

Ugh screw it. I’m checking yes and no.

Hmmm. Where do I turn it in?

THEY ALL LOOK AROUND UNTIL ROSS SPOTS A STOIC CHINESE MAN
SITTING STILL IN THE CORNER.

ROSS

Sir. Excuse me?

THE MAN DOESN’T MOVE. HE LOOKS THROUGH ROSS.

ROSS (CONT’D)

Maybe he’s deaf.

MONICA

Or he’s just ignoring you. Like most.

PHOEBE

(YELLING) Excuse me! Where should my

friend turn in her questionnaire?

ROSS

Now I’m actually deaf.

CHINESE HERBALIST
(grunts)

THE CHINESE HERBALIST REACHES OUT HIS HAND.

Lina - Henrik 21.

MONICA

Should I give it to you?

CHINESE HERBALIST
(grunts)

MONICA

Um... I’ll take that as a yes.

SHE HANDS HIM THE QUESTIONNAIRE. HE LOOKS OVER IT THEN WRITES

A PRESCRIPTION IN CHINESE. HE HANDS IT TO MONICA.

MONICA (CONT’D)

What uhh exactly is this?

CHINESE HERBALIST
(grunts)

PHOEBE STUDIES THE PRESCRIPTION.

PHOEBE

Hmmm I think it’s Chinese.

A WELCOME TO CHINATOWN SIGN HANGS ABOVE THEM.

ROSS

You don’t say.

MONICA

What exactly do I do with this?

THE CHINESE HERBALIST POINTS TO THE FRONT OF THE STORE.

CHINESE HERBALIST
(grunts)

THEY TURN AROUND AND NOTICE AN EMPTY COUNTER AT THE FRONT.

MONICA

Should we go there?

CHINESE HERBALIST
(grunts harder)

THE THREE OF THEM WANDER TO THE EMPTY COUNTER. MONICA HITS A

BELL. THE SAME CHINESE HERBALIST, NOW SMILING AND WEARING A
BASEBALL CAP, RUSHES OVER TO THE COUNTER.
Lina - Henrik 22.

CHINESE HERBALIST (CONT’D)

Hiya! How can I help you kind folks?

CONFUSED, THE THREE OF THEM LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

ROSS

Phoebe did you just slip me some of

your brain bleach?

PHOEBE

No, but I think I may have taken too

much this time.

CHINESE HERBALIST

Oh! Lemme take that prescription off

your hands!

MONICA GIVES THE PRESCRIPTION TO THE CHINESE HERBALIST.

CHINESE HERBALIST (CONT’D)

Looks like someone’s got a nasty cold!

MONICA WEAKLY RAISES HER HAND.

CHINESE HERBALIST (CONT’D)

We’ll have you fixed up in no time.

THE CHINESE HERBALIST REMOVES A CONTAINER FILLED WITH BLACK

POWDER FROM THE COUNTER BEHIND HIM.

MONICA

Did you just give me sand?

MONICA OPENS THE LID AND ROSS IMMEDIATELY COVERS HIS NOSE.

ROSS

Well one thing’s for sure, it will

clear your sinuses!

AND WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 23.

SCENE F

INT. JOEY’S BATHROOM - DAY

(CHANDLER)

CHANDLER WASHES HIS HANDS. HE NOTICES HIS REFLECTION IN THE

MEDICINE CABINET MIRROR. HE TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND FLEXES.

CHANDLER

Abs schmabs. They aren’t that special.

I’ve got them. Somewhere.

HE FLATTENS AND STRETCHES HIS STOMACH WITH HIS HANDS.

CHANDLER (CONT’D)

There they are!

HE SLICKS HIS HAIR. IT DOESN’T HOLD. HE RUMMAGES THROUGH

JOEY’S MEDICINE CABINET AND FINDS A BOTTLE OF NAIR.

CHANDLER (CONT’D)

Nair. Must be a combination of nice

and hair. Nair. Nice hair.

HE TAKES A FEW DABS AND FEELS GOOD PRIMPING IN FRONT OF THE

MIRROR. HE THEN FILLS HIS HAND WITH FOAM AND SLATHERS IT IN
HIS HAIR. HE SPREADS IT ACROSS HIS RIGHT EYEBROW. HE FREEZES
THEN SCREAMS IN PAIN. HE RINSES HIS HEAD UNDER THE SINK. HE
GRABS A TOWEL AND DRIES HIMSELF. HE LOOKS UP AND SCREAMS AT
HIS COMPLETELY BALD HEAD.

AS WE:

FADE OUT:

END ACT ONE

Lina - Henrik 24.

ACT TWO

SCENE G

INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT - DAY

(JOEY, CHANDLER)

BALD CHANDLER POUTS IN THE BATHROOM DOORWAY AS JOEY LAUGHS.

JOEY

I can’t decide if you look more like a

dill pickle or an oversized Gerber

baby!

CHANDLER

Are you done?!

JOEY STARES AT HIS REFLECTION IN CHANDLER’S BALD HEAD. HE

FIXES HIS HAIR.

JOY

Wow! You’re a walking mirror! Hmmm...

how you doin?

CHANDLER

Stop Joey! Why do you even have hair

removal?!

JOEY

I need shiny swimmer thighs for my

audition.

(MORE)
Lina - Henrik 25.

JOEY (CONT'D)

Plus, I wasn’t the one rummaging

through other people’s stuff like a

naked mole rat.

CHANDLER

God! My interview is tomorrow!

JOEY

I think I still got an old wig from

one of my theater shows.

JOEY GRABS AN ELVIS WIG FROM HIS CLOSET AND A BOTTLE OF WATER-
BASED ADHESIVE.

CHANDLER

I am trying to get a promotion, not a

gig at a 50’s drive-in diner.

JOEY

Well, it’s either this or... that.

CHANDLER

Fine! I’ll take the wig!

JOEY

You’ll also need this.

CHANDLER

What is that?

JOEY

It’s a water-based adhesive, so make

sure not to get it wet or else it

uuh... I guess will just be water-

based and without the adhesive part.

JOEY HANDS HIM BOTH THE WIG AND BOTTLE.

Lina - Henrik 26.

CHANDLER

I hate my life.

JOEY

Try it on!

CHANDLER PUTS ON THE WIG.

JOEY (CONT’D)

Bada bing, bada boom! You’re now my

very own Chita pet!

CHANDLER

What do I do about the eyebrow?

JOEY

Hmmm. I got a sharpie.

AND WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 27.

SCENE H

EXT. MONICA & CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

(ROSS, MONICA, PHOEBE)

PHOEBE AND MONICA BOIL THE TEA. ROSS, COVERING HIS NOSE AND
GAGGING, STANDS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM.

ROSS

I can’t escape the smell!

MONICA

I wonder if it’s safe to drink.

ROSS

You’d be safer bottling and selling it

as bug pesticide.

PHOEBE

Oh come on! It’s not that bad. I think

it smells curious. Actually... it

kinda smells like my massage parlor!

ROSS

Are you actually going to put that in

your body? Just take my pills!

ROSS’ GAGGING BECOMES EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVE.

MONICA

Ooo yeah, you look great.

Lina - Henrik 28.

ROSS

I can’t take it anymore! It’s about to

smell a lot worse in here if I don’t

leave. Trust me Monica. Just take one.

ROSS TAKES OUT A PILL BOTTLE FROM HIS JACKET POCKET AND
PLACES IT ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER. ROSS, GAGGING, EXITS.

PHOEBE

Ooooh I think it’s done!

PHOEBE POURS A CUP.

MONICA

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just take the

pill.

PHOEBE

You spent your whole day getting it.

Plus, you never know. You may have

actually developed a rare terminal

illness. Would you really want this to

be just another wasted day when you’re

about to die?

PHOEBE POURS ANOTHER CUP. SHE DRINKS IT.

PHOEBE (CONT’D)

It’s delicious! My tastebuds are

dancing! See! Just try it.

MONICA DRINKS THE TEA. SHE NEARLY VOMITS.

MONICA

Dancing? My tastebuds are seizing!

AS WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 29.

SCENE I

INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

(JOEY)

JOEY, WEARING ONLY A SPEEDO, POORLY PRACTICES HIS BUTTERFLY

STROKE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR.

JOEY

Be a butterfly. Be a butterfly. Be a

Butterfly. I’m doing it!

JOEY’S ARMS FLAIL AROUND EVEN FASTER.

JOEY (CONT’D)

I. am. speed. Pure speed!

HIS RIGHT HAND SMACKS THE WALL. A SCRATCHING NOISE APPEARS

BEHIND IT. JOEY FREEZES. HE TAPS THE WALL. THERE’S NO
RESPONSE. HE TAPS IT AGAIN.

JOEY (CONT’D)

Hello? Is that you Elmer?

THE SCRATCHING NOISE REAPPEARS AND GRADUALLY AMPLIFIES. JOEY

LETS OUT A HIGH PITCH SHRIEK.

AS WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 30.

SCENE J

INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

(CHANDLER, MONICA, JOEY)

MONICA WATCHES TELEVISION ON HER COUCH. SHE STARTS COUGHING

UNCONTROLLABLY. CHANDLER ENTERS. MONICA COUGHS INTO HER SOUP.

CHANDLER

Ewww.

MONICA FREEZES AT THE SIGHT OF CHANDLER’S NEW LOOK.

MONICA

Ewww!

CHANDLER

Just don’t ask.

MONICA

What the hell happened to you?!

CHANDLER

Thank you for asking. You’re probably

referring to the scent of ethanol in

my breath. I’ve been drinking my pain

away at a karaoke dive bar. Luckily,

they gave me free drinks because they

thought I was the entertainment.

Lina - Henrik 31.

MONICA

Seriously! You’re hair!

CHANDLER

It’s hip.

CHANDLER EXITS INTO THE BEDROOM. JUST AS MONICA FINALLY

RELAXES, THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND JOEY, SCREAMING, ENTERS.

JOEY

Please! I need to stay here tonight!

Elmer’s back. Well, his ghost is,

anyway. I heard him scratching. He

won’t rest until he has taken my soul!

MONICA

You got all that from a scratch? Look,

I can’t deal with this right now!

JOEY

An actor is useless without a soul!

I’ll just be another... Nicholas Cage!

MONICA

Joey it’s all in your head!

JOEY DIVES ONTO THE COUCH AND BURROWS INTO THE CUSHIONS.

JOEY

See! You won’t even know I’m here.

MONICA TURNS AWAY AND NOTICES ROSS’ PILLS. SHE TAKES ONE.

MONICA

Screw it.

AS WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 32.

SCENE K

INT. ROSS’ APARTMENT/ INT. STUDIO - DAY

(PHOEBE, ROSS)

AS ROSS MAKES COFFEE, PHOEBE ENTERS.

PHOEBE

Have you seen Monica? I went by her

apartment earlier and she wasn’t

there. Also I think she’s having an

affair with Mr. Clean.

ROSS

Wait! What time is it?

ROSS CHECKS HIS VELOCIRAPTOR-THEMED WATCH.

ROSS (CONT’D)

The show’s about to start!

ROSS TURNS ON THE TELEVISION. THEY BOTH SIT DOWN ON THE

COUCH.

PHOEBE

There she is!

ROSS

There she is... wait is that her.

Oh. My. God. What the hell happened?!

Lina - Henrik 33.

PHOEBE

Wow this show is a lot more exciting

than I thought!

ROSS

She’s using the pasta as hair

extensions!

PHOEBE

Hmmmm interesting choice. She has

really now become one with her food!

Wait wow! Monica can speak Italian?!

ROSS

No she can’t! She clearly doesn’t even

have a grasp on the English language!

PHOEBE

Well she isn’t coughing. The tea must

have worked!

ROSS

She’s completely lost it! I knew she

shouldn’t have drank it.

PHOEBE

But I drank it and I’m completely

fine. Incredible actually!

ROSS

I knew this day would come, but not

this soon. Her neuroticism must have

finally tore her weak grasp on

reality.
Lina - Henrik 34.

PHOEBE

Well she sure hasn’t lost her grasp on

that sausage. She’s really flailing

that thing around!

ROSS

This is horrible! Her career is

totally over!

PHOEBE
(You’re recording this right?

ROSS SHOOTS PHOEBE A JUDGMENTAL LOOK.

PHOEBE (CONT’D)

What?! It’s her first time on

television! Millions are watching her

at this very moment! This is a special

moment!

ROSS

Special? Oh, look! She’s now trying to

communicate with the raw bacon.

PHOEBE

Well she may not know Italian, but she

definitely understands Pig Latin!

AND WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 35.

SCENE L

INT. CEO’S OFFICE - DAY (DAY 3)

(SECRETARY, CHANDLER, MR.MORRISON)

THE SECRETARY LEADS CHANDLER INTO THE CEO’S OFFICE AND

GESTURES FOR HIM TO TAKE A SEAT.

SECRETARY

Mr. Morrison will be in shortly.

THE SECRETARY SMILES AND EXITS. CHANDLER STARTS STUDYING THE

PICTURES ON MR.MORRISON’S DESK. HE FOCUSES ON A VINTAGE
PHOTO. HE IS STARTLED WHEN HE HEARS A VOICE BEHIND HIM.

MR. MORRISON

1968, the first game to officially

bear the name Super Bowl. The year I

was born... It’s also the only time

the Jets have ever won.

CHANDLER JUMPS UP AND SHAKES MR. MORRISON’S HAND.

CHANDLER

What a game.

MR. MORRISON

A bit before your time.

CHANDLER

Uuuuh got it on video.

MR. MORRISON WALKS AROUND AND TAKES A SEAT AT HIS DESK.

CHANDLER SITS DOWN TOO.
Lina - Henrik 36.

MR. MORRISON

Can’t blame you for taking an

interest. You’re a Jets fan?

CHANDLER

Oh yeah. Huge fan! Love the Jets!

CHANDLER STARTS TO SWEAT. HIS TOUPEE LIGHTLY SHIFTS.

CHANDLER (CONT’D)

Uh, is it hot in here?

MR. MORRISON

No, but I can turn the fan on.

MR. MORRISON REACHES TO TURN ON A DESK FAN. CHANDLER’S TOUPEE

SLIPS DOWN, COVERING HIS EYES. HE QUICKLY FIXES IT.

CHANDLER

No! No that’s okay. I’ll be fine!

MR. MORRISON

(SUSPICIOUS) Mr. Bing, I hate to ask,

but man to man, are you wearing a

piece?

CHANDLER

I... just have very bouncy curls.

IT SLIPS COMPLETELY OFF. HE QUICKLY PUTS IT BACK ON.

MR. MORRISON

Son, I once had the most luscious head

of hair ever seen on a man. But it all

went south, or should I say, north,

when I hit 25.

CHANDLER

Oh, sir, I had an acc-

Lina - Henrik 37.

MR. MORRISON REMOVES HIS TOUPEE.

MR. MORRISON

Mr. Bing, seeing you like this today

has made me realize that I don’t need

this toupee and you know what? You

don’t either. Men like us have got to

carry ourselves with pride, mane or no

mane. I’ve looked at your resume, you

have a lot to be proud of.

CHANDLER BITES HIS LIP. THEN HE TAKES OFF THE WIG.

CHANDLER

Boss, I was trying to be what I

thought you wanted me to be. I’ve been

loyal to this company for so long, I

didn’t want to lose the promotion.

MR. MORRISON

Well, I’m offering you the promotion.

CHANDLER

What?

MR. MORRISON

I appreciate your honesty son. It’s

not easy to do what you have done. I’m

expecting great work from you.

MR. MORRISON AND CHANDLER STAND UP AND SHAKE HANDS.

AS WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 38.

SCENE M

INT. RACHEL AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (LATER)

(JOEY, PHOEBE, RACHEL)

THE LIVING ROOM IS DIMLY LIT AND JOEY AND PHOEBE SIT ON THE
GROUND HOLDING HANDS OVER A SMALL CAULDRON SURROUNDED BY FIVE
CANDLES.

PHOEBE

Okay Joey are you ready?

JOEY

I think so. Hey don’t tell anyone, but

I’m kind of scared.

PHOEBE

Oh don’t be scared. Elmer seems

harmless. Okay, now close your eyes,

and hum for me.

JOEY STARTS HUMMING THE TUNE OF SMELLY CAT.

PHOEBE (CONT’D)

Joey! Hum something somber. Set the

mood.

JOEY

(HUMS)

PHOEBE SWAYS FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND THEN SUDDENLY STOPS.

PHOEBE

(YELLING) Hey Elmer! You here?

Lina - Henrik 39.

THE FRONT DOOR KNOCKS. PHOEBE AND JOEY FREEZE AND LOOK AT
EACH OTHER IN FEAR. JOEY SLOWLY GETS UP AND HESITANTLY
REACHES FOR THE DOOR HANDLE AND SLOWLY TURNS IT. HE SWINGS
OPEN THE DOOR AND HE AND PHOEBE SCREAM.

RACHEL ENTERS. AND SCREAMS IN A SURPRISED SHOCK.

JOEY AND PHOEBE ARE OVERCOME WITH RELIEF.

RACHEL

What on earth are you doing?

PHOEBE

Actually, we’re on the astral plane

seeking Elmer.

JOEY

We’re trying to talk to Elmer so we

can help Elmer cross over to the other

side.

RACHEL

If screaming at a ghost were a way to

get rid of them than why is Halloween

so damn haunted? Are you guys crazy!

This Elmer guy is dead!

PHOEBE

Ignore her Joey. Hand me the potion.

JOEY HANDS PHOEBE MONICA’S TEA. PHOEBE DROPS IT IN THE

CAULDRON.

PHOEBE (CONT’D)

Follow the light Elmer! Be gone!

EVERYONE COVERS THEIR NOSES WITH THEIR SHIRTS.

RACHEL

Oh god! What is that smell?!

Lina - Henrik 40.

PHOEBE GETS UP AND WALKS AROUND THE PERIMETER OF THE ROOM

WAVING AROUND THE CAULDRON TILL SHE COMES TO THE WALL WHERE
JOEY HEARD THE SCRATCHING.

JOEY

If this doesn’t make him leave, I

don’t know what will.

PHOEBE

You in that speedo might.

SUDDENLY THE SCRATCHING REAPPEARS AND JOEY JUMPS UP.

JOEY

There! He’s in the wall!

PHOEBE

Elmer! Follow the light!

SUDDENLY A RAT CRAWLS OUT OF THE VENT BELOW AND RUNS ACROSS
THE ROOM AND OUT THE OPEN FRONT DOOR. RACHEL RUSHES TO CLOSE
THE DOOR AFTER THE RAT EXITS. ALL THREE SCREAM.

JOEY

Gross!

RACHEL

See, I knew there was no such thing as

ghosts!

PHOEBE

Or, Elmer reincarnated!

RACHEL

Oh Phoebe, get out of here!

AND WE:

CUT TO:
Lina - Henrik 41.

SCENE N

INT. MONCIA AND CHANDLER’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (LATER)

(REPORTER, MONICA, ROSS, PHOEBE)

MONICA IS STAMMERING AROUND THE LIVING ROOM WITH THE NEWS ON

THE TV.

REPORTER

Study finds that religious married

women report the highest satisfaction

with their sex lives.

MONICA

(YELLING) It’s cuz they don’t know any

better!

MONICA TEETERS AND LAUGHS TO HERSELF. THERE IS KNOCKING AT

THE DOOR AND SHE PRANCES OVER TO ANSWER IT.

PHOEBE AND ROSS WALK IN, ENTERING WITH APOLOGETIC LOOKS ON

THEIR FACES.

MONICA (CONT’D)

Oh hello friends!

PHOEBE

Hey Monica! Uh, how are you feeling?

MONICA

Great! National television, can you

believe it?

(MORE)
Lina - Henrik 42.

MONICA (CONT'D)

Ross you were so right about the

pills! Ah, I felt like I was on a high

all day!

ROSS AND PHOEBE SHOOT EACH OTHER A CONCERNED LOOK.

ROSS

Oh no...

MONICA

Whats wrong?

ROSS

Well, you see, as a doctor I’m just

going to make a medical inference. But

I believe you may have suffered from a

chemical interaction.

MONICA

What kind of interaction?

ROSS

The herbal tea you drank may have

properties in it that may have

interacted with the meds I gave you.

PHOEBE

Oh it was great. I thought I was

watching SNL! Here, we taped it.

PHOEBE GRABS THE REMOTE AND PULLS UP THE RECORDED SHOW.

MONICA IS HORRIFIED AS SHE WATCHES HERSELF.

MONICA

Turn it off!

PHOEBE SNICKERS ON THE SIDE. MONICA ANGRILY GETS IN HER FACE.

Lina - Henrik 43.

MONICA (CONT’D)

What am I going to do? I look like a

fool! I completely embarrassed myself.

MONICA SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH.

MONICA (CONT’D)

I don’t even remember doing that!

ROSS

Monica, we are so sorry. Phoebe and I

both feel so bad for our hand in this.

PHOEBE

Yeah, of all people I should have

looked up the side effects. My cousin

Joseph mixed prozac with -

ROSS

Not now Phoebe.

PHOEBE

Oh, okay.

ROSS

The point is that we both feel really

terrible and we hope that you can

forgive us.

MONICA

Oh guys, it’s not your fault. You had

no idea. None of us could have known

this would happen. Even if I never go

on television again, I still have my

job at the restaurant.

Lina - Henrik 44.

PHOEBE AND ROSS GIVES HER A HUG.

SFX:PHONE RINGS

MONICA (CONT’D)

Oh no.

MONICA GETS UP TO ANSWER THE PHONE.

MONICA (CONT’D)

Hello? Yes, yes, really? Oh wow, okay,

yes. Goodbye.

ROSS AND PHOEBE WATCH IN ANTICIPATION FROM THE COUCH.

PHOEBE

Well?!

MONICA

That was the producers! They said they

liked my wild antics and want to book

me for future segments!

ROSS and PHOEBE JUMP UP.

ROSS

Holy cow! Monica, that’s great!

MONICA

The only problem is how am I going to

recreate that personality?

PHOEBE PULLS OUT THE ZIP LOCK BAG OF TEA FROM HER POCKET.

PHOEBE

More tea?
AS WE:

CUT TO:

END OF ACT TWO

Lina - Henrik 45.

TAG

INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

CHANDLER SITS AT THE END OF HIS BED WITH HIS WIG LYING IN HIS
LAP. HIS BALD HEAD ILLUMINATES FROM THE OVERHEAD CEILING
LIGHT. HE TAKES OUT A BRUSH AND BRUSHES HIS WIG. HE SMILES
AND STARTS TO HUM. MONICA ENTERS AND CATCHES HIM IN THE ACT.
HE FREEZES AS THEY MAKE EYE CONTACT.

CHANDLER

Hello.

AN AWKWARD BEAT.

CHANDLER (CONT’D)

I uh understand how this may look but

uh...

MONICA

(Interrupting) Leave your Sundays open

for now on. We’re starting couples

therapy.

MONICA EXITS. CHANDLER THROWS THE WIG.

AS WE:

FADE TO BLACK.