Who’s Pulling Your Strings?

How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life.
By Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D.

Introduction.
THROUGHOUT my career I have been interested in the psychological problems
that men and women develop as a result of their good—but often misguided—
intentions.
In the mid- 1980s, just as the full thrust of the women’s movement was
beginning to alter the American labor force and the fabric of American life, I wrote
The Type E Woman: How to Overcome the Stress of Being Everything to
Everybody. That book compared and contrasted the different types of stresses of
men and women. Specifically, it examined the continuing stress cycles created by
women’s flawed attempts to “have it all” by trying to meet everyone else’s needs at
the expense of their own health and welfare.
For nearly 20 years now, high-achieving women across the United States and,
indeed, the world over have identified with the Type E concept. They have
populated my clinical practice, retained me to consult in their businesses, invited
me to give keynote speeches, and formed a receptive and gracious audience for
my radio and television appearances.
No matter how powerful or successful, Type E women talk to me about how their
desire to make others happy sets them up to be victims in damaging
manipulative relationships. I revisited the topic of people-pleasing, twenty-first
century style, just a few years ago in another book called The Disease to Please:
Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome.
Since publication of The Disease to Please in 2001, I have received a continuous
stream of e-mails and messages on the Web site’s guest book from both women
and men who identify with the problem. The theme of these messages is
consistent: People-pleasers’ nice intentions make them an easy mark for
manipulators. And the victim status they adopt when manipulators wrest away
their freedom, self-direction, and sense of personal control creates deeper and
more damaging emotional problems.
The message to me came loud and clear: My readers could really use a good self-
help book that cuts through the fog of confusion that manipulation produces.
They need to better understand why, how, when, and by whom they get
manipulated. Most important, of course, they need to know what they can do to
stop it.
However, make no mistake, people-pleasers are by no means the only ones
vulnerable to manipulation. Nearly 30 years of practice as a clinical psychologist
and management consultant have driven that point home to me. I have witnessed
the painful, disruptive, and disabling effects of manipulation on patients and
clients from varied backgrounds, with disparate personalities, of wide age ranges,
and all levels of economic, educational, and social status.
Some people are easier targets than others, but nobody is completely invulnerable
to skilled manipulators. I have worked with patients and corporate clients who
never felt the need to speak to a psychologist until they found themselves under
someone’s thumb—unable to extricate themselves from a manipulative spouse, a
controlling boss, an ambitious subordinate, a back-stabbing competitive
coworker, a guilt-inducing mother, or an insecure friend. The list of manipulators
goes on and on.
My own experience with manipulative relationships extends well beyond a merely
professional interest. I know firsthand the toll on self-esteem, happiness, and
emotional and physical health that manipulation exacts. I have been entangled in
the insidious web of coercive, manipulative control. I never want to go there
again.
In the interest of self-protection, as well as the welfare of those who seek my
professional help, I have worked for many years to develop tactics and strategies
to resist manipulation.
I have written Who’s Pulling Your Strings? in order to share those skills with a
wide audience. My goal, simply, is to help readers break the shackles of
manipulation and reclaim control over their own lives.
There are a few important caveats about the audience for this book. Who’s Pulling
Your Strings? is about emotional or psychological manipulation. It is not intended
to apply to relationships in which physical violence—or the threat of physical
violence—is used as a means of control.
If you are the victim of a physically abusive relationship, you do not have the
luxury to read this book. Not now. You need to take urgent steps to protect
yourself and others by putting as much physical and psychological distance as
possible between you and the person who has been abusing you.
Neither is this book intended for people being manipulated by someone who
abuses alcohol and/or drugs. Alcoholics, addicts, and substance abusers are
quite literally not in their right minds by virtue of the intoxicants they ingest. You
simply cannot deal effectively with an abuser until he or she gets the substance-
abuse problem under control. As long as substance abusers keep drinking or
using, your problems with them will continue. Manipulation is a core symptom of
their illness; you need to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
Finally, this book is not intended for those being pressured or coerced into illegal
activities. Whether it is a corrupt boss at work who wants you to “cook the
books,” a boyfriend or girlfriend who intends to lie and defraud others and wants
you to swear to it, or any other person who is pushing you to cross the line of
criminal behavior, you need to get away from the relationship and away from the
manipulator immediately. There is no room here for negotiation.
Barring these exceptions, this book is for you.
How do I know?
I have yet to meet anyone who has not been manipulated by someone at some
point in his or her life. So everyone can benefit from learning how to resist
manipulation. If you are the victim or target of a manipulative relationship right
now, take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Millions of people share the
feelings that manipulation produces—the impotent sense that there is nothing
you can do to interrupt the toxic cycle or to limit the damage.
This is just how a manipulator wants you to feel.
My fervent hope is that this book will shed new light on your problem and change
your feelings of helplessness, confusion, and loss of control. If we succeed
together, you will have a great answer the next time someone asks you, “Who’s
pulling your strings?” You can look them dead in the eye and say, “Nobody but
me.”
1. An Overview of Manipulation

Page 15.
Have you ever felt as though someone is pulling your strings—making you do
things you would rather not or stopping you from doing things you would prefer
to continue?
Have you tried to untangle the strings only to find that you become more
entrapped with each futile struggle?

Manipulation respects no relationship boundaries. It can invade your most

intimate personal relationships with your spouse or lover. It can happen at
work—with peers and nonpeers alike. Manipulative relationships occur in
families, organizations, friendships, professional relationships, and even at
churches, synagogues, mosques, or other places of worship.

There are no age limitations or gender preferences. Men and women of all ages
and sexual orientations can be manipulative and manipulated. And whenever life
transitions—positive or negative—take place with their inevitable stress,
uncertainty, and anxiety, the red carpet is unfurled for manipulation.
Ironically, manipulation takes particular hold in those relationships where you
have the most to gain and/or the most to lose. These include your most
significant bonds—your family, marriage, romantic partner, coworkers, friends,
even your mentors and advisors.
If someone is pulling your strings, then I have written this book for you.
If you are the victim—or former victim—of manipulation, you very likely feel
confused, resentful, frustrated, helpless, stuck, and/or pretty angry. You are also
likely to feel guilty, anxious, and depressed, especially if the manipulation has
gone on for a long time.
You probably want to know why and how you became ensnared in such a
maddening no-win relationship so that it will not happen to you again. Most
important, you want to know—you need to know—how to stop being
manipulated. This book will answer your questions.

1.1. Control and Countercontrol

When you participate in a manipulative relationship, you unwittingly collude with
the person who seeks to control you. Every time you comply, capitulate, cave in,
or other- wise satisfy your manipulator’s wishes and purposes, you reinforce the
toxic cycle that is compromising your self-esteem, coopting your values, and
corroding your emotional wiring.
Being manipulated is a highly stressful experience. It is unpleasant, demeaning,
and disturbing. And it is harmful to your physical health, too—literally.
I wrote this book for people who are targeted, exploited, and controlled by
manipulators. I did not write this book to enlighten manipulators about the
unfairness of their tactics and purposes. Nor do I expect to change the minds or
methods of manipulative people by appealing to them directly. These would be
futile exercises.
Instead, I wrote this book to make you and other victims of manipulation aware of
your countercontrol. And I intend to empower you to use that countercontrol. I
realize that your participation in the manipulation probably has made you feel
quite powerless. This is what the manipulator wants you to believe. However, the
truth is that you hold the key to either making the manipulator successful or
foiling his or her efforts.
Manipulation is used because it works. As long as you allow a manipulator to
exploit and control you, he or she will continue to manipulate. However, if you
make the manipulation ineffective by changing your behavior, the manipulator
will be forced to change tactics or to seek an easier target elsewhere.
You are not likely to change a manipulator by pointing out that her tactics are
unfair or that you feel unhappy with the way the relationship is going. To put it
bluntly, manipulators do not care about your feelings. They are out to serve one
purpose: to advance their own interests and goals, frequently at your expense. If
you benefit from a manipulative relationship, it is merely accidental.
You can, however, exercise countercontrol to change the power balance of the
relationship. When you stop rewarding manipulative tactics by ceasing to
cooperate, comply, please, acquiesce, apologize, or respond to intimidation or
threats, you will unilaterally alter the nature of the manipulative relationship.
Then you can stop or at least begin to reverse the emotional havoc that the
relationship has wreaked.