A Toast

Is a bit tipsy.

I just wanted to say that it has been great getting to watch the two of you fall in love and end up

here. I mean wow, what a great couple! And what a great ceremony! Such a wonderful wedding

you two are having. It is such a blessing to be surrounded by people who love you on your

special day, and I’m just so happy that we could all be here to celebrate this milestone with you.

I’ve been told that the best speech advice is to keep it short and sweet so congratulations you

two! Let’s raise a toast to the bride and groom, may you both have many great adventures ahead!

To the bride and groom! And a toast to the days that I could be happily single. I’m so happy for

the two of you and wish you all the best, and I loved being a part of planning your wedding, it

was great. Loved every minute of it, I loved the drama of choosing bridesmaids— sorry you

didn’t make the cut Amber, how’s table seven treating you? Oh and the seating chart...believe

me folks this was not the original seating plan. Aunt May caused us to rearrange the seating chart

five times because apparently she can’t sit with half of you all—especially you John she hates

you. Your wedding was fun and I really enjoyed how you yelled at me in front of the entire

bridal shop for not liking this style for the bridesmaid’s dresses. But I mean seriously, a floral

high-low hem with no straps? No one looks good here. Sorry girls. I thought Jessica was going

to bust right out of her dress. Double stick tape Jessica, that’s all I’m saying. As the maid of

honor, sorry Amy but you stood no chance, as the maid of honor I had to organize your

bachelorette. This is not about how amazing your husband is for putting up with you! A

bachelorette is about your last day Unmarried. You are supposed to have fun—not want to sit

drunk and cry about how you two have argued over the color scheme for the big day. To be

honest you all did make the right call with baby pink and light yellow instead of black and navy
blue. I love you and I love your wedding, but I just wish that you kind of hadn’t gotten married.

I can’t help but notice that this decision of yours to get married was extremely selfish of you. Oh

my gosh, I didn’t mean that. I’m so sorry. Well, I …ya I did, I did mean that. I mean how could

you? How could you do this to me? All of the focus was on you. You were the perfect daughter

and you found him! Congrats, you did it! I had never seen our parents so happy and dedicated to

making one day so special for the two of you. Is it so wrong to think of me for a change? Now

that you are married our parents have taken it upon themselves to marry me off. It’s medieval.

Why do I need to be married? It’s just outdated to think that. And originally it was funny, but

now it’s annoying. Like mom and I were shopping and her friend Margret shows up. You

remember Margret mom? How about her lovely son David? By the way Mom, I will not be

seeing David again as he is seeing how good he looks in an orange jumpsuit for selling cocaine.

I’m sure Margret will fill you in. Oh hi Margret, I didn’t remember you were here. Oh no mom

you stay there I’ve got this. Now if they just wanted me to eventually get married, that would be

fine, but they don’t want me to get married eventually, they want me married next June. So thank

you, for getting married. And I would just like to say, please, please next time you decide to get

married, because let’s be honest one of you is going to mess this up, just reconsider announcing

it to the world and elope so that your matrimony is out of sight and mind. And just tell us when

to keep our calendars open for the divorce party and your next engagement. I’ll be free next

June.