ELTU2012: Supplementary Exercise on Job Application Letter

Teachers’ version. The followings are suggested revisions. There can be other possible
ways to rewrite the original.

1. I was awarded a faculty scholarship worth $21,000 in academic year 2013-2014

for my academic excellence. I was also invited to the Outstanding Business
Student Program by university and I was provided with some professional
training.

(Use active rather than passive sentences.)

I received a faculty scholarship worth $21,000 in academic year 2013-2014 for
my academic excellence. I was also a member of the Outstanding Business
Student Program where I received some professional training.

2. First, my academic concentrations in marketing and human resource management

are directly related to this job. Studying marketing and HRM have already
developed my professional researching and communication skills. As a mainland
student, studying in Hong Kong has also developed my fluency in Cantonese and
English.

(Develop a paragraph around a single topic.)

First, my academic concentrations in Marketing and Human Resource
Management are directly related to this position. For example, in one advanced
marketing course, our final project involved identifying a target audience,
forecasting a budget, and designing a research and development plan. In my
Human Resource Management course …

3. As a degree holder, I major in finance. I have taken various courses in financial

field. I analyzed business cases and gained in experience. In addition, I often read
business newspapers. They developed my knowledge of the financial industry.

(Do not write in a string of simple, short sentences.

As a degree holder, I majored in Finance, taking courses such as “Financial
Markets”, “Corporate Finance Theory and Practice”, and “Cases in Corporate
Finance”. I especially enjoyed analyzing business cases, and since I read business
newspapers regularly, I try to apply what I have learned in the classroom to the
real world. This has helped me develop my knowledge of the financial industry.

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4. These skills have been inestimable to me as an internship in Global Markets
Division at Bank of China International for the last two months, during which I
received tasks from the Fixed Income Dept, Equity Derivatives Dept and Foreign
Exchange Dept as well as from other experiences.

(Avoid overly-long sentences.)

These skills have been valuable while I was an intern in Global Markets Division
at the Bank of China International. During these two months, I performed
financial analyses in the Fixed Income Department, the Equity Derivatives
Department and the Foreign Exchange Department.

5. I am fluent in Cantonese. I am also fluent in Mandarin. And I studied English.

(Do not write in a string of simple, short sentences.)

I am fluent in Cantonese, Mandarin, and English. Studying these languages have
developed my confidence because…

6. For my outstanding academic performance, I was included on the Dean’s List of

United College in the year 2013 and Outstanding Business Student Academy, an
award for future business elites by the Faculty of the Business Administration in
the year 2014.

(Avoid overly-long sentences. Use parallel structures.)

In 2013, I was included on the Dean’s List of United College because of my
outstanding academic performance. In 2014, I was included in the Outstanding
Business Student Academy, an award given to future business elites by the Faculty
of Business Administration.

7. I am a good time planner, concentrating on work at the appropriate time and

working hard.

(Use parallel structures).

I am good at time management, I focus on the immediate task, and I work hard.

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8. If I were given the chance to meet you, it would be much appreciated.

(Overuse of verb to be.)

I would appreciate the opportunity to meet with you.

9. I was excited by the recruitment talk. I am eager to start my career in the financial
field.

(Use a reader-focused message. Adopt the you-attitude.)

I was excited upon hearing your recruitment talk. I am eager to join your company
to start my career in the financial field.

10. I adapted to the work environment by learning skills in a college course.

(Be specific. Add supporting evidence.)

In order to adapt to the computerized office environment at my part time job at
Deloitte, I completed an advanced MS Office application course last year. This
course emphasized the usage of office software, including Excel, Word, Power
Point and Access. I also used Excel and MYOB to do my accounting assignments
while a student in college. Therefore, I am confident in using this software to
make my work effective and efficient at your company.

11. Also, I’m good at teamwork because of my work experience last year at the Hong
Kong Economic and Trade Office in Washington, D.C.

(Be specific. Add supporting evidence.)

My experience as a part-time assistant at the Hong Kong Economic and Trade
Office (Washington, D.C.) in 2013 helped me improve my initiative as well as
teamwork abilities when I worked with many different people to organize the
activities promoting Hong Kong to investors.