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Letters citypaper August 30, 2006
Dear Self Righteous Yankees, their jobs well. So get over whatever you recently visited Afghanistan and You Can Walk Can’t You?” statute.
Some of you just moved to USC and happened in gym class or Catholic met with leaders to encourage them We also feel that the handicapped
sometimes that comes with an “I’m grammar school, and start treating the to adopt a new system of law and should be made to pay a $200 fine
better than you” attitude towards taxpayers and the City of Columbia government. Hey, uh, while you’re in for parking in spaces allotted for the
anyone who has a southern drawl. with a little respect. If you can’t handle the mood to fight Third World suffering, non-handicapped. Those who agree
You’ll claim fast food takes longer at the power you get when you put on that ya think maybe you change the similar should contact your local legislator
drive thru’s and you’ll blame everything meter maid’s uniform, consider wearing conditions off the I-95 corridor in your immediately.
that doesn’t go your way on the South. a nun’s outfit and bringing a ruler on home state? Columbia City Paper
You’ll come to find out that it’s just your next patrol. Columbia City Paper
Sonic that sucks at 2 a.m. (as well as Columbia City Paper
your attitude). Whatsa’ matta’, you ain’t Dear Health Nut Girlfriends,
used to people bein’ polite, ya mook?
Don’t worry, you’ll discover eclectic
Dear Honeycombs,
You will be missed. We all fondly
While counting and commenting
on every single calorie of every The Five Points
Five Points, the thriving and educated
business community, and maybe one
remember the sound of your freshman
occupants shrieking obscenities at
single bit of food or drink that
passes between your man’s Book Shop
day you’ll connect with a redneck each other from opposing balconies like lips, please consider that a
whom you’ll discover isn’t that different feuding apes. Passersby will also miss hyperactive 170 lb. male has
from you at all. running the gauntlet near Moore, where different nutritional needs than a
Columbia City Paper one could be anonymously pelted by 102 lb. teeny lady. Please. We’re
unopened soda cans or peed upon by all starving. No, sweetheart, you
Dear Drinkers, some dweeb aiming through the lattice can eat a dry salad with a glass of
For the next three weeks there will be on the 6th floor. But, perhaps your lemon water for dinner. ‘Think I’ll
a special mobile unit located discreetly personal touches will be missed most, head out back and start grilling
in Five Points for breathalyzer testing. like the “Roof Access” sign in Snowden the pets for protein.
It’s like having a drive thru for DUI’s and that someone changed to read “Roofies Columbia City Paper
drunken disorderlys. They’ll process Sex.” Adieu, Honeycombs. R.I.P.
you on the spot and transport groups Columbia City Paper Dear Fake Handicapped,
to Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center. We’re sick of seeing you people
Don’t worry, after the city raises some Dear Hippies, park your cars in handicapped
revenue for failed construction projects What the heck is going on over at parking spaces only to get out
during their “Welcome Back Operation,” The Grow? The new paint job is cool, and sashay into the building 10% off with student I.D.
the ratio of hobos to police will return to though. Kind of like something you’d without even a visible limp. We We have 10,000+ Quality
the regular 20-1. In three weeks you’ll see on the side of a van that’s parked propose that handicapped permit
be able to party like a college student out front of a Partridge Family show in fraud could be “cut in half,” so to Used & Out- Of-Print Books
once again. the ‘70s. The painted bubbles work, but speak, by implementing a new
Columbia City Paper we can go ahead and tell you that if you “Three Limb” law. This law will
plan to paint a unicorn, it’ll clash with require a handicapped permit
Dear older meter maid, the Hulk. holder to have no more than two
Some merchants in Five Points are Columbia City Paper (2) arms and legs or vice versa
referring to you, the white haired older
lady as the “Ticket Nazi”. Try not to Dear (Col.) Lindsay Graham,
OR three (3) arms and no legs
respectively. Individuals suffering 718 Santee Avenue
march like a soldier. And, it wouldn’t kill It’s pretty cool that you are the only
you to be polite to people on the streets. U.S. Senator currently on active duty
from blindness, deafness, and
those with mild paralysis will
803.799.7182
drbooks@infionline.net
The other meter maids in the area are in a branch of the military. I guess it be considered on a case-by- www.abebooks.com/home/DRBOOKS9
respectful to those they ticket and do is still don’t ask, don’t tell. We heard case basis under the new “Well
Cleaning
the virus
the plague
Contractors
that has seen us so sentient
so helpful
so alive
29205
COP TALK: An Aug. 21 police report about
a criminal domestic violence incident reads
that a woman was smacked in the face by
her boyfriend who “used a open hand but
smacked her with a force.” He’ll probably
apologize, buy her something nice, and
then do it all over again. That’s the cycle
of the abuse so get the hell out of there
girlfriend, 1500 block Garden Plaza
29205
Short Changed: Someone reportedly
walked into the Corner Pantry on Aug.
21, started bitching, pitched a fit and then
threw a handful of coins into the face of a
store clerk. The clerk’s face had a higher
return rate than Coinstar. 6500 block
Garners Ferry Road
29205
29063 29201 29201 Man’s best friend saves the day: A 32-
A 39-year-old white lady was issued a Cops busted a 47-year-old crackhead this Cancel that midnight stroll: Cops noticed year-old woman told police she was sitting
citation for leaving her small dog in the week while he was walking away from a a man with a large kitchen knife creepily in her kitchen when a man broke into her
car for 45 minutes while at the dentist. In vehicle that had just been burglarized. The crouching down along the wood line of house. Luckily her dog was also in the
August, are you kidding us? I say, next reporting officer said he asked the man if a main road this week in Columbia, 500 house and the canine chomped down the
time you get caught doing this, instead he could search him, but the guy said no. block Elmwood Ave. would-be burglar’s leg causing him to high
of a citation, they wrap you up in tinfoil Instead, the officer frisked him and found tail it out of there. Time for some treats,
and cram you into an industrial sized a large Brillow pad in the left pocket of his 29201 1300 block South Kilbourne Rd.
microwave just to “see what happens,” cargo pants. Brillow pads, often used as A woman said a pervert followed her for a
300 block Harbison Blvd. filters for rock smoking, are a telltale sign while before finally yanking out his ding- 29205
of a Columbia crackhead. This one was a-ling and making damn sure she saw it. Really riveting video surveillance footage
29201 arrested for possession of it and sent to Now, mission accomplished, this creep of the Rosewood Dollar Tree this week
Police arrested a 46-year-old hobo for the slammer, 1000 block Harden Street can crawl his way back to Pee Wee’s shows an unknown woman entering the
boozing it up in the back of the Columbia store empty handed and leaving with
Transit Station. The well-drunk wino was
ZIP OF THE WEEK 29203: CAT FIGHT! nearly $30 of merchandise (mostly baby
sipping his sauce from a bottle inside of a supplies) stuffed in a pillowcase, 2000
brown bag— the telltale sign of a boozing block Rosewood Drove
bum. Hardcore investigation by police Two twin sisters, 19, were slapping each other in the face
confirmed the bottle to be a 40-ounce 29206
King Cobra “beer,” although any self- and rolling around on the ground until bystanders broke While in Five Points, police say a 42-
respecting convenient store connoisseur it up. And we want the video, 500 block Alcott Drive year-old man was struck in the back with
will tell you King Cobra is, of course, a an unknown object and knocked to the
malt liquor, 1700 Sumter Street ground. He was then hit in the face with a
chair and kicked repeatedly before he was
29201 Playhouse, 1000 block Northwood Street robbed. Welcome to the newly renovated
A store clerk at the Market Express told 29201 Five Points, 400 block Saluda Street
the five-oh someone came in and swiped a College is back in session: After pulling 29203
pack of Pall Malls from behind the register. over a driver for not wearing his seatbelt, Some redneck banged up his girlfriend 29210
When the cops showed up, the cigarette an officer caught a big whiff of the skunky this week, punching her in the mouth, Another man said he was robbed while
snatcher said they’d better get out of his good stuff as he approached the window. nose and right eye. This Neanderthal then in the parking lot of Embassy Suites. He
face or he’d spit on them. Police also said The smell, he said, was coming from the grabbed her by her hair and smacked her said a man with a weapon demanded his
the incident caused such a scene that passenger-side compartment. A search around some more before EMS showed wallet and got away with $120, 200 block
customers quit queuing to come out and also brought up a pipe and some dope, up, 6000 block Bailey Street Stoneridge Drive
watch, 1000 block Elmwood Ave. 3600 block Main Street
29203 29212
29201 29201 CAT FIGHT: Two twin sisters, 19, were A 44-year-old white guy was arrested
After hearing very loud music blaring from HOBO CRACKDOWN: Cops kicked out slapping each other in the face and rolling for stealing a pair of work gloves and
a parked car, an officer found the driver three more members of the Columbia around on the ground until bystanders a pair of ignition pliers from SEARS in
slumped over the steering wheel and homeless community for snoozing in the broke it up. And we want the video, 500 the Columbiana Mall. The total of $30 in
refusing to wake up. The cop called the park after hours, 900 block Laurel Street block Alcott Drive merchandise stolen by this malicious mall
EMS who were able to rouse the 38-year- malcontent probably cost him a night in
old sleeper from his sacked out slumber, 29201 29203 jail, but…just think what he was probably
however, he could barley stand when they Columbia Police also busted a man for The KFC was robbed at gunpoint and $850 up to, 100 block Columbiana Cirlce
pulled him out of the car. Turns out the guy “loitering for the purpose of drugs” on the was stolen. We’re sure Col. Sanders is still
was drunk, stoned and ready for jail, 3200 same street the state Attorney General a big supporter of the Second Amendment 29212
block Farron Road lives on. Again, 2100 block Senate Street though 3500 block North Main Street A 16-year-old girl, along with a friend, was
arrested for stealing 11 Lacoste brand
29201 29201 29204 shirts from Belk. No word on what sorority
Cops found another drunken hobo “passed COLLEGE RULES: A police officer noticed If you’re driving with a suspended license she plans on pledging in the next two
out on the floor” of an unsecured dwelling a “visibly young” girl getting liquored up for the FIFTH time, you’d think you’d smart years, but at least she’ll have the wardrobe
in Columbia this week. The reporting at Jungle Jim’s in Five Points. When the enough to at least wear a seatbelt. But not for it, 100 block Columbiana Circle
officer noted while communicating with officer asked to see some ID, the girl, 19, this 24-year-old bozo from Columbia who
the subject, the vagrant had slurred showed one that was clearly not hers. The apparently missed the memo on this “new” 29223
speech, was unsteady on his feet and girl was piss drunk and ended up in jail that seatbelt law, 2200 block Waverly Street While at the Sonic Drive Thru, a 32-year-
smelled like liquor. He was taken to jail night and we’re sure her parent’s loved old woman was arrested after cops found
for an apparently more “secure” housing getting that phone call before classes 29204 her passed out in her car with a bottle of
situation than a refrigerator box, 700 block even started 700 block Harden Street A man in a white T-shirt reportedly fired Green Apple Smirnoff vodka sitting on the
Wilkes Road six shots into the air from a handgun after front passenger seat. The woman was
a verbal dispute with a group of people. sacked out and slumped over the wheel,
What goes up, must come down clown! 3300 block Main Street
citypaper August 30, 2006
Columbia City Paper has a candid that is of you? increase the cigarette tax to use that money
conversation with who may be TM: When you start trying to put labels to help subsidize small businesses and people
on someone I think it really is a disservice. to have health insurance. It is economically
South Carolina’s next Governor Not only to the person but more importantly insane to not try to make some effort in that
to the voting public. I have differences of regard because if you get sick [and] you end
opinion on some social issues with folks on up in the emergency room, we’ll pay 10 times
Less than three months before the Nov. either side. But in the cold light of day we can more in the emergency room than what we
7 gubernatorial election, in a state notorious have our religions beliefs; we can have our could have done for a primary care physician
for being one of the reddest in America, social consciousness; but what you do is try to maybe recognize it, prevent it or treat it,
you’d imagine the Democratic candidate for to make sure you do what’s best for all South rather than go to the emergency room. Again,
governor would be preparing for a tough Carolinians and move forward. talking about social issues, if conscience
battle. Not that our Palmetto state hasn’t If someone wants to neatly label me on doesn’t move us on that then we’re all sure
had a Democratic leader in recent past, it anything then just have at it. But what I’ve economics certainly will.
has, but with most current state offices going done is tried to be mindful and very conscious City Paper: Right now Sanford’s camp
Republican and the rise of the “cowboy image” of decisions that affect all South Carolinians— refuses to answer any questions from us.
in southern politics, one might believe a whether you’re talking about social issues, TM: Is that right?
candidate sporting blue and green campaign whether you’re talking about economic City Paper: Yes. Just won’t do it. They
colors would feel like the circular peg trying to issues, or whether you’re talking about men say ‘Oh, I’m sorry we’re not talking to you
force itself into the square block. and women’s livelihood. I understand that. guys.’
But right now that is exactly not how And I think after 28 years the voting record TM: Well that’s the same governor who
Senator Tommy Moore, the S.C. Democratic speaks strongly that I’ve been in favor of says ‘sunshine is the best disinfectant.’
nominee for governor, is thinking. And nor helping people. But I don’t mind discussing Maybe that disinfectant is for everybody else
are any of the folks breezing in and out of any social issue. but not them.
his office at the South Carolina Democratic that— sure you can have your philosophical City Paper: If I get sick I end up paying City Paper: If, when, you become
Party’s headquarters in late August during opinions and differences— but at the end of high costs for medicine and doctor’s bills. governor…
rush hour in Columbia. the day you’ve got to move South Carolina Because I don’t have health insurance… TM: Yes, sir…
As I waited in the lobby before my forward. You take everybody’s ideas; you get TM: Well, guess what, you and over City Paper: You’ll talk to us, right?
interview, a young man wearing a blue tucked the best of the ideas, you forge a compromise 800,000 other South Carolinians. And TM: Absolutely. Absolutely, and you
in button up shirt, khakis and a tan palmetto- and do what’s best for South Carolina. Not what’s confusing out there and what is so know what? We’ll agree to disagree on a
tree-and-moon belt approached the front desk be entrenched in an ideology that says ‘my misrepresented is when you start talking about certain issue and I’ll take my lumps and, you
and snatched up a handful of “Republican for way or no way.’ We’ve had four years of that people who don’t have health insurance a lot know, if somebody wants to take a difference
Tommy Moore” stickers. anyway. of people think it’s just the very poor. But the of opinion I think that’s the beauty of it, that’s
“Do you have any more of these,” he City Paper: It seems Gov. Sanford has middle class, and I consider myself middle why I enjoy being a Democrat. You know
asked, adjusting his sunglasses equipped started a negative campaign against you. class, there’s quite a number of people out the Democrats, like Will Rogers said, I’m
with the standard issue matching croakies. Would you care to talk a little about that? there who don’t have insurance. not a member of any organized party, I’m a
“They’ll go on cars. I’m afraid to admit TM: Well, I read the stuff… it was basically Look, in South Carolina… only 20 percent Democrat.
I have some Republican friends.” talking about my ethics. I mean I chaired the [of small businesses] offer health insurance to talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
“Sorry, that’s all we have,” the white ethics conference committee that wrote the their employees. What I’ve done is tried to
haired receptionist said, also noting how toughest legislation in America at the time, recognize that we have got to have emphasis
surprised she was at how many people had which basically says ‘no cup of coffee (from on affordable and accessible healthcare.
been asking for the stickers. a lobbyist), not even a cup of coffee.’ I didn’t I sponsored an amendment this year to
Originally our City Paper interview was have to say very much [about the attack
scheduled for Aug. 22, coincidentally the from Sanford], I think when (Republican
exact same day Madden 2007 debuted majority leader of the senate) Harvey Peeler,
for video game systems, making it a near- Republican Senator Larry Martin, Republican
official national holiday for college students Senator John Hawkins said it was untrue,
and sports fans alike. Days before, however, unfounded, over the line… they defended me
Moore’s spokeswoman, Karen Gutmann, as one of the most honest guys there.
called to re-schedule. Naturally that lead So I think basically what it did was
to the first question we had for the senator backfired on [Sanford’s] little political games
from Aiken who in June won the Democratic and gimmickry. I think they’re shortchanging
Party’s nominee for governor by 64 percent of South Carolina citizens tremendously thinking
the vote and plans to beat incumbent Mark they’re not wise enough and smart enough to
Sanford in November. see through this.
Could the reason I was interviewing him When you’re desperate you‘ll try
on Aug. 25 instead of Aug. 22 be because the desperate motions and desperate acts.
senator had spent that entire Tuesday playing Being negative…when you can’t defend,
Xbox? when you have a nothing governor, when
Unfortunately not. you can’t defend ravaging public education,
“I can assure you on August the twenty- higher education tuition steadily climbing…
second I was not playing [Madden 2007]. The when you’re number two in the nation in
only box I was playing is this one right here,” unemployment, you can’t talk the issues so
Moore said tapping the number pad of a black you’ve got to be negative.
office telephone on his desk. City Paper: Do you think it’s a sign that
While Gov. Mark Sanford’s camp he’s on the ropes?
repeatedly said they would not take questions TM: I smell fear, I’ll tell you that.
from this publication, the 57-year-old, gray- City Paper: I almost didn’t want to bring
haired, stately-looking man with blue eyes it up but he’s obviously tried to tie your name
spread his arms wide and leaned back in his in with Operation Lost Trust… at least to the
chair. voters anyway.
“Ask away,” he said. TM: I would commend anyone to speak
with the attorneys in the district attorney’s
City Paper: What’s it like running a office and anyone who had any credible
Democratic campaign in one of the reddest knowledge or didn’t have a bias before and
states in America right now? wanted to know the facts. It won’t wash.
TM: Well, you know, I think the results It absolutely will not wash. It reminds me
talk ‘red state’ over the years…but I think of somebody running for a high school
South Carolina more so is independent. This presidency, playing games with people. It’s
state doesn’t register by party so I think what immaturity at its worst.
you have to look at is the cross tabs and all City Paper: I’d consider that straw man
that business. When you break it down, the logic
vast majority of South Carolinians consider TM: [Laughing] OK, straw man logic; I
themselves independent. So as a democratic said straw man logic.
candidate for governor I think what I’ve done City Paper: I’ve heard privately that you
is spent my entire legislative career appealing may consider yourself a social conservative.
to people from a bipartisan perspective How accurate a description would you say
Ted Rall Column & Cartoon citypaper August 30, 2006 9
803-513-5511
chairman of the Afghan Independent Human with another. Republican or Democratic, such
Rights Commission, told The New York Times. people deserve neither our respect nor our
“Beneath the surface, it is boiling.” Afghans votes.
chant “Death to Karzai!” in the streets of Kabul. (Ted Rall is the author of the new book
“Corruption is so widespread, the government “Silk Road to Ruin: Is Central Asia the New
so lethargic and the divide between rich and Middle East?,”)
poor [are] gaping,” reports the Times.
“A lack of electrical power and other talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
10 citypaper August 30, 2006
American Theocracy
THE GOOD FIGHT By Will Moredock, founder of the late Point newsweekly
A disillusioned Republican blasts the Phillips takes the reader on a tour of that ministered to the wounded psyche of white
House of Bush history, including the machinations of early oil Southerners. They spun from this great tragedy
barons Samuel S. Bush and George Herbert the myth of Southern downfall, purification, and
It’s a little late to be making a summer Walker. A century later, the descendants of redemption, based on biblical mythology. The
reading list, but American Theocracy: The these two men have taken turns in the White Southern churches led their people in seceding
Peril and Politics of Radical Religion, Oil, and House and have led their nation into two wars from reality, in creating their own history and
Borrowed Money in the 21st Century was never to maintain American hegemony in the oil-rich mythology, bearing little resemblance to any
meant to be summer reading — or certainly not Middle East. The Bush family has close personal facts. Most Southern Christians have not
beach reading. ties to the corrupt ruling family of Saudi Arabia, rejoined the world of reality, remaining in denial
American Theocracy is a weighty and well- the nation with the greatest oil reserves in the of evolution, global warming, and the corruption
footnoted tome of recent social and political world. of the current administration.
history, representing the apogee of author Kevin America’s reckless policy in the Middle East Part of that corruption is the staggering
Phillips’ career from his beloved Republican is a direct result of our addiction to oil, Phillips debt which the Republicans have allowed to
Party. writes. But there are some people who actually accumulate through reckless tax cuts. Phillips
In his groundbreaking 1969 book, applaud the war in the Holy Land as a fulfillment estimates that the total of all private and public
The Emerging Republican Majority, Phillips of biblical prophecy. Perhaps as many as a third debt in the United States to as much as $70
trumpeted the rise of the Republican Party in a of all Americans believe the second coming of trillion. The bill collector is coming in the form
region he was first to call the Sunbelt. Jesus, the Rapture, and the end of the world of foreign governments, which grow weary and
In the nearly 40 years since that are imminent, Phillips writes. Such people care worried at constantly underwriting our bonded
groundbreaking work, Phillips has written a little about environmental destruction or the debt. When China and Japan decide they have
dozen volumes of historical, political, and unsustainable national debt. To these voters had enough, the dominoes of debt will start
social analysis. In The Politics of Rich and Poor, there are only short-term answers and the falling and there is little to stop them.
he wrote about the widening economic gap Republican Party keeps them on a steady diet The Republican Party lies at the crux of
between the classes in post-Reagan America. In essays, the first on the dangers of petro-politics of red meat with issues such as gay marriage, these three dangerous trends in American
American Dynasty, he scourged the Bush family and foreign policy; the second on the rise of abortion, and obscenity on television. society and at the heart of the GOP is the House
and their connection to business practices and radical Christianity and its grip on the GOP; “The rapture, end-times, and Armageddon of Bush.
foreign interests inimical to American security. and the third on the staggering debt the federal hucksters in the United States rank with The usual array of rightwing pundits
Now, in American Theocracy, he takes government has accumulated under George W. any Shiite ayatollahs,” Phillips writes, “and have lined up to take their shots at American
the next step in denouncing the Republican Bush. the last two presidential elections mark the Theocracy. David Brooks’ denunciation recently
Party he has spent most of his life nurturing “Despite pretensions to motivations transformation of the GOP into the first religious ran in The Post and Courier. Brooks scorns
and supporting. “This book is dedicated to the such as liberty and freedom,” Phillips writes, party in U.S. history.” “Americans, both cynical and naïve,” who are
millions of Republicans, present and lapsed, “petroleum and its geopolitics have dominated Phillips does an excellent job of explaining willing to buy into Phillips’ thesis.
who have opposed the Bush dynasty and Anglo-American activity in the Middle East for a how this brand of Christianity became so Cynical and naïve. That’s a perfect
the disenlightenment in the 2000 and 2004 full century. On this, history could not be more deeply rooted in the South. After the defeat and description of the corporate/Christian alliance
elections,” he writes in his dedication. clear.” humiliation of the Civil War, it was the Protestant which is the modern Republican Party.
Phillips’ book is divided into three extended churches — especially the Baptists — who talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
the College Survival Guide
the literary cat 90 days. last night’s pasta from the Bates House Cafe-
Second or subsequent offense: Up to $100 teria after the kid two doors down slammed a
fine or 30 days imprisonment; driver’s license six-pack of Hard-Core Apple Cider. We don’t
for 25 cents
suspended for six months. even need to get started on what the guy is
S.C. Code Sections 56-1-515(2), 56-1-515(4), doing in the corner stall and if an athlete is
56-1-746(a) on the toilet, breathe through your mouth—
when combined with the steam, the stench
Using an altered ID: To alter a driver’s license will smoke you out faster than NORML during
so as to provide false information. a student pro-democracy rally.
First offense: Up to $2,500 fine and six
The Five Points Book Shop months imprisonment; driver’s license sus- MONEY
pended for 90 days.
718 Santee Avenue Second or subsequent offense: Up to $2,500 Don’t let a T-shirt of free pizza induce you
fine and six months imprisonment; driver’s li- to sign up for a credit card.
803.799.7182 cense suspended for 6 months.
drbooks@infionline.net S.C. Code Sections 56-1-515(1), 56-1-515(3), They look friendly enough, beckon-
www.abebooks.com/home/DRBOOKS9 56-1-746(a) ing from the foldout table near the Russell
Giving false information for the purpose of House. And, wow, you can get a free generic
buying alcohol: It is illegal for a minor to lie Carolina shirt for just filling out that form?
to a clerk about his or her age in order to buy And the credit card lady says, “Haaay, how
alcohol. are yeeewww!” like she’s a long-lost relative,
Penalty: Fine between $50 and $100 and up and, oh, the whole experience just seems so
to 30 days imprisonment. S.C. Code Section genuine...
Wednesday, August 30 Mac’s On Main Wild Wing Café The Modern Society
1710 Main St. Columbia 480 Town Center Columbia Chandler
Art Bar Hennessy Blues Jam Uphonic
1211 Park St., Cola. Wednesday, September 13
Mr. B’s Goodtime Karoke New Brookland Tavern Saturday, September 2 New Brookland Tavern
122 State St., West Cola. 122 State St., West Cola
Headliners Havoc Din Art Bar The Dirty Lowdown
700 Gervais St. Columbia Unit 17 1211 Park St., Cola. Who’s Todd
Dub Conscious The Dirty Guns Ryan Monroe
D.J. Riggle Dr. Harry Woo w Almost Jason Thursday, September 14
Foxes That Fight New Brookland Tavern
Friday, September 1 Jammin Java 122 State St., West Cola.
Mac’s On Main 1530 Main St., Columbia Jucifer
1710 Main St. Columbia Cafe Strudel Ward Williams Hungry Models
Evan Williams Open Ben Wilson Solo Acoustic Pop/Rock Jucifer at New Brookland Tavern
Jam Session Steven Fiore Friday, September 15
Headliners Thursday Sept. 14 Headliners
New Brookland Tavern 700 Gervais St. Columbia New Brookland Tavern Jucifer is loud as shit. This Athens duo just signed to Relapse 700 Gervais St. Columbia
122 State St., West Cola. D.J. Frosty 122 State St., West Cola. Records and will surely blast your face off. Did I mention that Need To Breathe
Charge The Mound My Surprise Jucifer is loud as shit? Bring your earplugs. The Hungry Mod-
Fight Like Hell Jammin Java Indeed els open featuring everyone’s favorite bartender in Columbia Monday, September 18
On A Warpath 1530 Main St., Columbia (Tim from Art Bar). Headliners
Death Blow Sam Fisher The Saloon 700 Gervais St. Columbia
xlead the fightx Solo Acoustic Pop/Rock Alex Buck 480 Town Center Columbia Sunday, September 10 Band of Horses
APPEARING WITH: Brent Lundy New Brookland Tavern Chad VanGallen
Wild Wing Café Gabriel Gordon The Whig 122 State St., West Cola Simon Dawles
1150 Bower Pkwy. Columbia Solo Acoustic Folk/Rock International Grapevine New Brookland Tavern Long Street
Grayson Hill Jeremy Lev 122 State St., West Cola.
APPEARING WITH: Wild Wing Café The Indepedants
Wild Wing Café Gabriel Gordon 1150 Bower Pkwy. Columbia Testing Ground
480 Town Center Columbia Solo Acoustic Folk/Rock The Showmen Maladroit Mafai
Brent Lundy Jeremy Lev
Wild Wing Café Art Bar
Thursday, August 31 New Brookland Tavern 480 Town Center Columbia 1211 Park St., Cola.
122 State St., West Cola. Tokyo Joe Mr. B’s Goodtime Karoke
Art Bar Hamster Theater
1211 Park St., Cola. GreenLaw Sunday, September 3 Thursday, September 7
Electric Bird Noise
Erector Set Jillians Art Bar Art Bar
The Deadbeats Specer Rush 1211 Park St., Cola. 1211 Park St., Cola.
RED WHITE & BLUE Cypress Knees
Headliners The Saloon FESTIVAL
700 Gervais St. Columbia Two for The Road The Country Crooners New Brookland Tavern
From Idle Hands Falling Off A Building 122 State St., West Cola.
Fair Street The Venue Black Bottom Biscuits The Elements
Seeking Eternity Villanova Nervous System
Day of Battle Hellblinki Sextet Friday, September 8
Because of This Wild Wing Café
1150 Bower Pkwy. Columbia New Brookland Tavern Headliners
Peace & Love 122 State St., West Cola. 700 Gervais St. Columbia
O’Death Corey Smith
Skeletonbreath Trevor Hall
Monday, September 4 New Brookland Tavern
122 State St., West Cola.
New Brookland Tavern Early Show:
122 State St., West Cola. The Skuds
Daughters SickSickSick
Russian Circles Dirty South
Rapist In The Choir Revolutionary Youth
Loards Late Show:
Madison Fair
O’Death at New Brookland Tavern Wild Wing Café
Sunday, September 3 1150 Bower Pkwy. Columbia Saturday, September 9
Tokyo Joe
Dusk has just arrived on September 16, 1862 and you’ve set New Brookland Tavern
up camp barely outside of Sharpsburg, Maryland. Tomorrow 122 State St., West Cola.
will be the bloodiest single-day battle of the Civil War and the Baumer
last time you will ever see the sunrise. The fellas in O’Death Tuesday, September 7 Starting Tuesday
are a stones throw away and their Appalacian whiskey in- New Brookland Tavern Firefly Summer
spired sounds float from campfire to campfire. At least your 122 State St., West Cola. The Stock Market Crash
last night will be enjoyable. O’Death, a six-piece from New Idle Vice
York, New York will bring their dark mountain bluegrass to Art Bar
Columbia and stretch the limits of instruments like the ukule- Wednesday, September 6 1211 Park St., Cola.
le, fiddle, banjo, and euphonium and you’ll forget that almost Rockefeller Horsecollar
23,000 soldiers will lose their lives tomorrow. If you think you Jammin Java The Rapist in the Choir
might like music that sounds like a “steam train, wet soil, bad 1530 Main St., Columbia The Stock Market Crash
dog, dried blood, knock kneed, blackgrass, rickety fence David Mead
teeth, [and/or] gypsy death,” don’t miss this one. Yukos the
Crude and Skeletonbreath round out the line-up. Wild Wing Café
STORY AND PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEAN RAYFORD Angeles, and even cell phone ring tones (a category that worthy clip featuring a hot broad, piles of cash, and a yel- and then the idea also was that we have a new publicist
Billboard magazine now charts). low ferrari just as slick as the songs on Come on, Feel It. and to get her on board in time for the re-release,” says
Sometimes accidents produce amazing results. Two and This past spring the now five piece flew out to the West “Daron was the man,” says McWilliams. McWilliams.
a half years ago Nate Boykin and Kenny McWilliams start- Coast to work on a music video with famed director Daron “I think the plan now is to use this re-release as a build- Baumer’s infectious tunes highlighted with Boykin’s
ed a joke that was never intended to even leave the studio. Doane (Jimmy Eat World, Thursday, Atreyu, Underoath). up for the next album that we will probably be recording this insane vocal range will surely be able to turn heads across
Eventually they added a live drummer and bass player-- “We got there and there were donuts, bagels and muffins winter,” says Boykin. the country as the band gets the right exposure and people
and Baumer was born. It only took a few months before the and three big things of Starbucks coffee and we drink a lot “We’ve probably already written ten songs for the next can find the record in stores. For the time being, Baumer is
Columbia band was filling local rock clubs to near capacity. of Starbucks on tour so it was killer,” says McWilliams album. We’re still excited about the re-release and hopeful- Columbia’s big little secret. If Baumer can overcome their
Everyone was talking about the band that had risen from about their experience shooting the music video for “Take ly we’ll be able to sell a few more copies and set up the difficulties with distribution and find some success on the
the ashes of Courage Riley with the help of the singer from What’s Mine.” next album,” says McWilliams. road it won’t take long before the world finds itself holding
Tigerbot Hesh. At that time most regulars to the local music The new video will be included as bonus material along Originally released in September of last year people out- Baumer dance parties in their living rooms.
scene would have expected Baumer to have already swept with a remix of the song on the re-release of Come On, side of their hometown had a tough time finding the CD on “Touring has been the one thing that has plagued this
up the typically disappointing culture of music of the United Feel It, (September 12) their debut full length on Astro store shelves. band. We’ve been through four booking agents now which
States. Magnetics Records. “The initial idea with the re-release was that distribution is a ridiculous number for how little touring we’ve done,”
Perhaps single handily they would save pop music and Doane found the set for the video in a town not too far was kind of a mess on the last [release] and it wasn’t real- says McWilliams.
Columbia would sit back proudly and say ‘they’re from from Los Angeles and ly distributed any- Until recently the band existed as a four piece and never
here.’ Hootie and Crossfade would be left in a cloud of introduced Columbia’s where. A lot of the put too much thought to adding any additional members
smoke. Baumer to the process of sales were online but this spring Baumer recruited Chad Rochester expand-
On their debut Baumer was even able to enlist the help making a music video. because people ing and cementing their live sound.
of super producer Mike Shipley (the Cars, Blondie, Kelly “It was this crazy awe- couldn’t find it “We eventually decided that we could make a bigger
Clarkson, Devo). “Having a guy of that caliber working on some looking bar straight anywhere. That sound if we had another guitar player. We could also get
your stuff is amazing. He made it sound a hundred times out of a movie,” says looks good and him to play synth and the parts that we had tracked and
better,” says vocalist Nate Boykin. vocalist Nate Boykin. means people were playing along to we could do live and have a better
“We started the band as a joke and side project and if you “We were doing the were looking for live feel. We got to a point where we realized it would be a
happened to go to any of our early shows that was obvious songs over and over. All our record but not hassle but if we could make things just a little bit better it
that we were messing around. But then things got a little these people standing able to find it in would be worth it,” says Boykin.
more serious when the label was interested and we signed around watching you sing stores. So they Perhaps by the new year people will start to get it. They’ll
with them,” says guitarist Kenny McWilliams. this one song. I had to wanted to rere- realize that pop music isn’t created on a Puff Daddy reality
It’s just taking a little more time than probably do the song 15 lease it and give it TV show. They’ll see that there isn’t a pop music formula
expected but slowly that experiment in to 20 times. It was super another shot. We controlled by the elite. Don’t miss the boat, it sets sail again
the studio has transformed into a world awkward,” says Boykin. have a new distri- at Baumer’s rerelease party September 9 at the New
with a flashy music video, trips to Los The end result is a TRL bution company Brookland Tavern.
shorts during Ladies Night. ...Just imagine a cashew town drunk lost its allure once I turned 21. Similarly, you
tightly wrapped in black cellophane. will find that turning 18 takes some of the fun out those
late nights in the Jungle Jim’s stock room with the door
Cancer guys.
The qualities that you find endearing about your girl are
also the ones the make her bat nuts insane.
Sagittarius
You will find a scrap-- just a scrap-- of respect for Giraldo
Leo Rivera after seeing a photo of him from the 70s, wacked
Aw, your haircut isn’t that bad, Capricorn. Look at the out, and hanging with Cheech and Chong.
bright side: from the front that shaved section makes
you look like a cop. From behind, the piece that sweeps
in from the side captures the romance of a sportscaster Capricorn
with a comb-over in a high wind. And, I’m sure you can We had another one of your tables cancel the shaved
paint over that bald part. onion appetizer, Capricorn! How many times have I told
you to stop picking at that disgusting rash in front of the
diners?
Virgo
When I suggested that you take up “collecting” as
Aries a hobby, I didn’t mean your own urine in plastic soda Aquarius
Rats gain independence from their mothers after just bottles. Overnight, two houseflies will act out the beauty and
three weeks. Seeing as you’re roughly 40 times the size pain of the circle of life-- eating, sleeping, mating, and
of a rat, er, relatively speaking... Nah, it’s still pathetic to Libra dying-- in the pot of coffee that you will reheat and drink
live with your parents at 36, dude. Nothing like seeing the stars and bars glide up the the following morning on your way to work.
flagpole every morning, eh, Libra? I would shed a tear,
Taurus but abuse of prescription eye drops over the decades
Snort a line of dust off your ceiling fan blade to jumpstart has eliminated my tear production completely. Joy, pain, Pisces
you immune system for Fall. all emotions pass blankly by. Inside I shriek! I wail! Yet, Halfway through a long jog, the fact that you are a
the gods ignore my pleas. I can’t even weep for my respected real estate attorney will enter your mind while
handicap! Do you hear me? I CAAAN’T EVEN WEEP! you squat to take a dump off to the side of someone’s
Gemini driveway before wiping with one of your socks.
Retro fashion will backfire, leaving Columbia’s hipster Scorpio
hierarchy in flux after Randy Dinkle, formerly the dominant Girlfriend, it’s time to grow up and forge ahead with your
male, strolls into the Whig in an ironic pair of 80s bicycle plans to be a kindergarten teacher. I found that being the
Art Show
September 8th
Do you ever recommend having a third in the
Refreshments bedroom of a M/F couple?
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