Contents

citypaper July 19, 2006

INSIDE July 19 - August 2, 2006 Volume 1, Issue 23

5
COVER STORY 701 Gervais Street
Suite 150-218

4 Ghost Hunters
Columbia, SC 29201
803.446.3458
Corey Hutchins & Todd Morehead hunt down the non-profit S.C. Publisher
Paul F. Blake
Paranormal Activity Research Association (SCPARA) paul@columbiacitypaper.com

3 NEWS, POLITICS & COMMENTARY Managing Editor

Todd Morehead
todd@columbiacitypaper.com
3 From The Editors The DHEC and RTA mess
News Editor
4 Talk Back More cronyism with a new kind of “3 Rivers” and Corey Hutchins
corey@columbiacitypaper.com
the public outcry that pressured the bus fix
8 Monkey Island S.C.’s unknown export: monkeys for testing Senior Writer
Chris McCarter
9 Ted Rall Philanthropists Gates & Buffett worse than Ken Lay
8 mccarter@columbiacitypaper.com

10 The Good Fight Big tobacco lies about second hand smoke Iraq Correspondent
David Axe
11 Statehouse Report Lawmakers focus on big industry instead david@columbiacitypaper.com
of small businesses and working families Movies
12 Mister Meaner’s Crime Watch Caught you ridin’ dirty Deric Kempsell

20 Bum of the Week Crack smoking, titties and Schlitz Angry Whale
Sean Rayford
theangrywhale@columbiacitypaper.com

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT General Sales Manager

Paul F. Blake
paul@columbiacitypaper.com
3 Letters to the Reader 803-446-3458

14 Soundboard Music Calendar Account Executive

Jacky Schuler
Angie Aparo plays Friday at Headliners
15 The Angry Whale The Fancy Lads spread their hate paste Graphic Design
Trenholm Ninstein
16 Grub & Pub Where to Chow! Contributors Alice Addertounge, Polly Baker,
18 Deric Spoils The Movie A Scanner Darkly Andy Brack, Max Cannon, Joe Fotalatte, Hick’ry
Hawkins, Matt Jones, Deric Kempsell, David
18 Movie Times Martin, Aaron McGruder, Ted Rall, Sean Rayford,
Sarah Maddocks, Dan Savage, Jacky Schuler
19 Jonesin’ Crosswords
14
Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume
responsibility for the entire content of their ad-
19 Governor Sanford’s Horoscopes vertisements. The first copy of Columbia City
Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 each.
21 Comics Alternative cartoons including Ted Rall, Views expressed do not necessarily represent
the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its pub-
Perry Bible Fellowship, Red Meat and The Boondocks lisher. (C)2006 Columbia City Paper, LLC.

21 su|do|ku News Tips: news@columbiacitypaper.com

20
17 22 New York Times Crossword
Advertising: 803-446-3458

20 NOW HIRING ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES

22 Savage Love 20% COMMISSION
23 Really Free Classifieds 803-446-3458

24 NBT The only seven-night-a-week music venue in Cola. Submissions welcome (query first):
todd@columbiacitypaper.com

Cover By Sean Rayford

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Letters
Letters to the Reader
Dear “Bum A Smoke?” Guy,
Hey, can I just siphon a gallon of gas?
How about you buy me a beer? Or give
me a piggyback ride? Will you get me
half a sub sandwich and let me crash
at your house to do laundry? Better yet,
why don’t you just buy your own f!#king
pack?
Columbia City Paper
Dear Bored College Students,
Here’s a game idea that no one should
try. Two teams with three to five people
each rendezvous at a location in the city
and plan to return there with the most
political signs in exactly 20 minutes. A
sign with Andre Bauer’s pretty-boy goofy
smile is worth double. Of course, the
losers have to buy drinks all night. This
is strictly a rhetorical scenario and, of
course, we strongly advise our readers
to take no part in anything remotely
similar to what you’ve just read. We
would never think of posting camera
shots or printing your team name and
tally in our paper, no matter how many
e-mails we got. Never…
Columbia City Paper
Tattoo Follow Up:
From The Editors
We received lots of feedback on the
tattoo story, some positive, some ... not
so positive, and some just plain absurd.
Reggie Ferguson, who owns “ ‘A’ Tat-
too Studio” in Augusta, GA took issue
with certain aspects of the article. “I’ve
owned tattoo shops in Augusta for 21
years,” he told CCP via phone, “and I
don’t know of him [Stan Hudgins] own-
ing shops here.” Ferguson also alleged
that his former apprentice, who in his
words “was a heavy narcotics user,”
left Augusta to go into business with
Hudgins, though the person in question
has no affiliation with 5 Points Tattoo.
The point of the article was to
shine a light on DHEC’s alleged attempt
to keep a businessman-- like him or not-
- from opening a legitimate business
and to hopefully discourage the agency
from stonewalling other tattoo shops in
the future. Hudgins and crew expressed
surprise at the scope and length of
the article, and had no idea that CCP
planned to do such a hard-lined expose
on DHEC. They maintain that, despite
past hardships, they bear no hard feel-
ings toward the agency and look for-
ward to working with them through the
coming years to make tattooing as safe
as possible in South Carolina.
-Todd Morehead
letters@columbiacitypaper.com
Dear Ultra Tan,
We’ve had a couple people warn us that
you go willy-nilly with the automatic draft
from people’s personal bank accounts.
Considering that you’re essentially micro
waving these people with harmful UVA
rays that are two to three times more
powerful than the sun, the least you
could do is refrain from charging them
double for the basal cell carcinoma.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Recently Divorced Housewives,
The Vista is where you need to go.
Anytime anyone sees a nicely dressed
40-something, urban-cougar-looking
woman at a bar in Five Points, they think
she’s either a SLED agent, a chaperone,
or an overzealous sorority house mom.
On the other hand, if you take that
scenario and kick it to Gervais Street,
you’ll probably be only three Cosmos in
before you’re not paying for your own
drinks. With that knowledge and just a
little luck, you’ll be catching a morning
cab from University Oaks in no time.
Columbia City Paper
In a seemingly medieval act of po-
etic justice, Richland County Council
members finally decided a way to han-
dle the city bus debacle that should yank
Hammurabi from his grave. On a muggy
Tuesday last week every single sitting
Council member voted in favor of an or-
dinance to increase vehicle registration
fees to buffer the economic hardship of
the Richland Transit Authority. In order
to bail out the financial breakdown of
the bus system, County Council turned
to those who need public transportation
the least—private and commercial vehi-
cle owners, raising the fees $20 for pri-
vate and $30 for commercial vehicles.
For the council members, this was not
only the most appropriate thing to do,
Dear S.C. Rep. Scarborough,
Nice work getting arrested for
pointing a 9 mm handgun at two SCE&G
workers the night of July 15, in your
parents’ back yard. Even though you
were charged with two counts of assault
with intent to kill after accidentally
shooting a bullet into your porch, we
think your lawyer John G. Altman has
a point when he said, “I want to teach
SCE&G a lesson.” You should see what
the power company did to the Eau
Claire neighborhood here in Columbia.
Tell you what; if you get off for this one,
come on out to the capital and we’ll
buy some booze and go cruise by the
sub station on Colonial Drive at James
Street just for kicks.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Liberty Tap Room,
Holy meat market! Gold diggers
here, gold diggers there. I feel like I’m
watching the female whore Olympics.
Who can get dressed up the nicest and
land a rich man in under 15 minutes?
I guess the person with the most free
drinks and the key to the Hampton Inn
room of the married traveling salesman
but was also the easiest of their
options, which included a penny
sales tax and increased property
tax. While both other options re-
quired citizens of Richland County
to vote on the decision, raising the
vehicle registration tax did not and
could be done by a simple raise
of hands during a council meet-
ing. This saves the county the
trouble of an election where the
actual citizens have to, you know,
think about the issue, do some re-
search, maybe nod their heads at
a television ad or put up a VOTE YES or
VOTE NO sign on the front lawn. Then of
course, they’d have to actually show up
and sign their name on a sign-in sheet,
make sure their voter registration card
has the right address on it and go up
and push a few buttons hoping they did
the right thing.
What County Council is saying is
that the public transportation mess is
way too serious to leave up to a “peas-
ant election.” The vote also tells the
people of Richland County that those
who have cars and don’t need to ride
the bus should be thankful for it and
stand up straight, broaden their shoul-
ders and take it on the chin in order to
help out “the little people.” In fact, the
whole idea seems a bit condescending
citypaper July 19, 2006 
is the winner.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Jessica Biel,
We recently learned that you are
participating in a “Win a Date With
Jessica Biel” contest to raise money for
a Colorado teenager who lost her leg in
tragic prom night limousine accident.
Will some of that money go to the other
kids that night, whose prom was ruined
by all the screaming and the blood?
And, CCP staffers have decided that
if one of us wins the date, you have to
promise that we won’t be taking a limo.
Columbia City Paper
Dear SunCom,
We just wanted to remind you that our
contract isn’t up till November of 2007
and we’ll keep our readers informed until
then that your cell phone service does
not work in the Columbia S.C. area.
Usually an unhappy customer tells nine
people, but in this particular case we’ll
be telling approximately 50,000 people
each issue. Do you get it?
Columbia City Paper
when you think about it like that. And
protesting this vote would almost feel…
well, guilty.
What’s an extra $20 for a council-
woman who drives a Lexus SUV or a
councilman’s monstrosity so big it hardly
fits in the church parking lot space at a
public meeting about Wheeler Hill? Help
out the little guy. Don’t be a muggle. And
to those who are paying the increased
fee and NOT riding the busses?
Don’t even try to pull the “taxation
without representation card,” because
even though that’s a Republican corner-
stone, the Party certainly doesn’t need
any worse PR perpetuating the whole
racist or anti-lower-class mentality. Not
that public transportation users are low-
er-class citizens at all, but it sure looks
that way to Richland County Council.
Then again, every Council member does
happen to own his or her own vehicle.
And when a meeting was held about
the bus issue a month ago at the public
library, ask how many of them actually
showed up to listen.
Corey Hutchins
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
 Talk Back!
 Talk Back citypaper July 19, 2006

Via e-mail
On a sad note, the Summer in the
Park series has only 3 more Saturday
concerts as is over. It has always been
from Memorial to Labor ay, but this year
cut all that out. What a terrible shame,
the best thing in Columbia during the
summer and the Columbia City council is
too cheap to fund it, yet they can waste
money on 3 Rivers, Marvin Chernoff’s
proposal to do an arts festival next year
(council already funds 2 arts groups
doing what Marvin is planning to do, so
it is a triplication of funding, or a waste of
money as I see it), $150,000 on insuring
“minority” contractors get a project that
was low bid at $250,000, but run up to
$400,000 for this purpose (there is a
lot more on this issue, but the word I
have gotten from behind the scenes is
it is a sham, and is illegal in light of US
Supreme Court rulings as well-will try to
write about this soon), and all sorts of
other waste, but they cannot a measly
$2000/concert maximum to fund a
truly diverse, popular and well attended
weekly event for 4 or 5 more times over
the summer. Budget cutbacks, they
say. Tell Mr. Wasteful, Bob Coble, with
his rich developer buddies, who have
bought him out this election so he will
not run again next time and they can
put their own candidate in, to come off
some of the breaks he is giving them to
fund the remaining concerts. This burns
me up! Call city council and tell them
to fund it (the Columbia Action Council
does actually make some money to fund
itself by the sales of beer and food at the WHEN YOU WANT NEWS THAT YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY READ IN THE
concerts, and if it is a large crowd, they
can actually almost break even on that MAINSTREAM PRESS. READ IT FIRST IN COLUMBIA CITY PAPER.
concert).
-Joe Azar
News citypaper July 19, 2006 

Carolina Ghost Hunters

An interview with the S.C.
GRYPHON: And that’s one of
the reasons why we keep our clients
confidential, because, you know,
Paranormal Activity Research something like that, you don’t want
Association people thinking you’re crazy. And you
don’t want something like that put
by Todd Morehead and Corey Hutchins out to the media. I’ve had personal
experiences that I would never tell
The non-profit S.C. Paranormal to anybody. It’s just... it’s a very
Activity Research Association (SCPARA) traumatizing thing to have happen to
has been in operation in one form or somebody and they’re putting their
another since 1989. In that time, their trust in you. So, that’s why we keep it
team of volunteers has investigated confidential.
scores of paranormal incidents across
the state, adding incident reports, photos
and audio recordings of the unexplained
to their growing database. When City CCP: When I was younger, part of
Paper met with the lead investigators me wanted to see something like that,
of SCPARA, who go by the call signs cause I never have. Not even close.
“Gryphon” and “Mystic,” honestly, we And I always thought that if I ever
weren’t sure what to expect. But, after saw something like that, would I tell
talking with them for over an hour, we somebody— I don’t know? Because
found that they represent a group of people might think, you know…
hardworking, grounded and genuinely
kind people who simply share a GRYPHON: --That you’re weird.
passion to explain the inexplicable and Crazy.
whose ultimate goal is to help people
understand paranormal activity and how MYSTIC: Well, it also depends on
to deal with it. it without identifying information…or
there’s another one where they don’t care MYSTIC: The gas money, if we have what exactly you witnessed. I mean if it
When we meet the two founders of picked you up and threw you across the
the organization for coffee, Gryphon, the if we give out identifying information. to stay in a hotel, whatever, it’s all out of
our pocket. room, then you might be a little bit leery.
spokesman for the group, stood to greet But if it’s nothing more than...
us. He was large-framed and tattooed We have five core investigators and
with a friendly laugh and overall sense then we have a pool of about 10 people GRYPHON: This is just to help
who all want to be a core investigator. people. CCP: ...A cabinet door opening…
of benevolence. He introduced us to
his wife and fellow investigator, Mystic, We’ve worked together for years now.
When one core investigator can’t go, we CCP: That’s really cool. GRYPHON: --Yeah, you hear
who smiled broadly and cracked jokes something rustling or an occasional
when we sat down with them. Soon, pull from the pool. We teach them how
to go over photographs… to tell what’s GRYPHON: voice, a whisper, or scratching, stuff like
the caffeine kicked in and the questions that. But, see, what we do, we don’t go
started to flow. real and what’s not. At one point I put on our Web site
Every place we ever investigate, we a PayPal thing where if you wanted to in there trying to prove that a place is
haunted. We try to prove that it’s not.
CCP: Do you have any upcoming have 100 percent permission to do. We make a donation…but it lasted like three
investigations? never go anywhere without permission. days then I said ‘I can’t deal with this, I
Ever. There’s a lot of people out there can’t do it.’ There is no profit involved CCP: Oh, okay.
GRYPHON: We have one we’re who will go into graveyards at night, in this whatsoever. I just want to help GRYPHON: So we go in and try
doing tonight. Private residence. A small taking pictures and things…that’s not people, that’s the whole reason why we to debunk everything the person tells
private residence. us. But back to what I was saying.
After we review the case, and after we
CCP: How does that usually work? “Something will catch me off guard. decide whether the place warrants an
investigation, if we all feel unanimously
GRYPHON: The client will contact
us. What we do is an initial interview-
I mean the last one we did we had a that it’s worth an investigation, then
we’ll go ahead and schedule that
type process where we’ll sit down and
listen to what they have to say, we have
lamp move, kept moving.” with the client. And, ah, cause this is
all volunteer; we have to coordinate
an investigation form that we fill out, ask
specific questions, and then we will tell what we’re about. We have to have started this. I want to be there for people everyone’s schedules, because
written permission from a landowner or who have questions with nowhere to everyone has a day job. Once we get
them that we’ll be back in contact. I’ll everything coordinated, we schedule an
take it back to the entire crew and we’ll sit business owner, homeowner or whoever turn.
to do an investigation. Every investigation investigation. We usually try to schedule
down and go over what we’ve gathered,
and we’ll discuss it and we’ll decide: we’ve ever done we’ve had clients there MYSTIC: I want to call it a hobby, our investigations anywhere between 7
with us. They usually sit there and watch but it’s not. p.m. and 10 p.m. at night.
does this warrant an investigation?
the cameras.
And this is all done voluntarily. We GRYPHON: It’s not a hobby. CCP: Do they have a specific time
CCP: How large is your group? frame? Or do you just go until morning?
don’t get paid for this.
GRYPHON: Right now we have five MYSTIC: That’s the only category I
MYSTIC: We don’t charge and we can find to put it in, though. It’s something GRYPHON: It goes with the flow.
core members that usually go on every It depends on how much you’re trying
investigation. The way we work is, once don’t get paid. we really, really believe in. We’ve had our
to debunk. If they have a whole bunch
we decide an investigation is warranted I own personal experiences and we know
CCP: No kidding? there are other people out there who are of claims of different things that have
bring some forms to the client, have them happened, you’re there to try to disprove
sign a Release for Investigation that gives either just scared to death to talk about
GRYPHON: Everything is coming it or don’t know who to share it with. And every one of them, a logical reason why
us the permission to investigate. I also it’s happening. A lot of them you can
bring a form that says we’re not allowed out of my pocket. I’m a business owner; our goal, ultimately, is to get that proof
disprove; a whole lot of them.
to talk about it, or we can talk about I generally work 12-hour days five to six for them.
days a week.
6 News
G RY P H O N :
Yeah.
CCP: Now
that you’re doing
this, have you
ever been with
a client and
both been really
scared?
MYSTIC:
Scared, no.
Uncomfortable.
GRYPHON: It
more fascinates
me. It takes
a lot to scare
me. Startle me,
yeah. But that’s
not scared.
Something will
catch me off
guard. I mean
the last one we
did we had a
SCPARA Crack Creeper Classic Thong is available at www.scpara.com lamp move, kept
moving. And it was
CCP: What’s the most common about from me to
claim? For instance, somebody says you. When I first saw it move: “Whoa,
that something particular is going on that’s moving!” (Laughs) But, it’s really
and you know immediately, ‘Oh, we not that bad.
know exactly what this is: that’s gas in
the pipes.’ CCP: And that was unexplainable
scientifically?
GRYPHON: One that we had here
recently, we went to a client’s house GRYPHON: Unexplainable.
and they said that one of the things
that happened…they had a coffee MYSTIC: We did disprove their
cup on a counter and it moved across scratching theory, which was a bush
the counter. Well, anytime you have outside the house. There are a lot of
a ceramic coffee cup... you’ve seen things that people mistake. They’ll
hydroplaning, you know? You set it hear whatever and right away they’re
down on your coffee table and it will quick to jump to the conclusion that
slide. That’s easy enough to prove. the house is haunted or somebody is
possessed. But nine times out of 10
MYSTIC: My biggest thing to there’s an explanation. But, we’re not
disprove fast would be “orbs.” I’d say going to go into someone’s house
90 percent of the orbs that show up in who truly feels that these things are
pictures could be written off as dust or happening and tell them, ‘Look, you’re
bugs. At this one place we investigated, nuts.’ That’s not what we’re about. We
I got a really cool picture of what many say basically, ‘You know how long we
would consider to be an orb. It’s were here, this is the evidence that we
gorgeous, but it’s just fiberglass dust collected, and—
“...and there’s what they call “demonic”
haunts. Those are nasty. Those are the
ones where people get really hurt.”
from the attic. Beautiful, symmetrical,
it looked like a snowflake, lit up in the GRYPHON: At this time we do not
middle: it was gorgeous. But, I know a have enough evidence to conclude...’
lot of people that would look at that a And usually we tell them that we’re
be like “Oh my god, what is that?! What more than happy to come back out and
could that possibly be?!” Fiberglass. do another investigation. And if you
ever have any problems, call us, day or
CCP: So for something to really night.
strike you guys... I mean, you’re saying
you’ve seen some things. They must CCP: Do you want to talk a little
have really been dramatic for you to— bit about some of the most interesting
ones you remember from the past?
GRYPHON: Yeah.
GRYPHON: Well, the last one we
CCP: Conclusive. went on, we were standing outside
talking with the client, and they have
citypaper July 19, 2006
a big heavy wooden gate, and it’s
really hard to open. And it just popped MYSTIC: Now, an intelligent haunt
open pretty as you please. That was can interact with you.
interesting. That was fun. The client
went and shut the gate and he was CCP: That’s interesting.
kind of freaking out a little and I was
like, “What’s the matter?” and he said, GRYPHON: There’re four
“You don’t know that gate. Try to open classifications: “Residuals,” like a movie
it.” And I was pulling and pulling on it. playing over and over, ‘Intelligence,’
I literally had to get a good footing and which is... I’m very leery to say that it’s
pull before it opened. But, before... it someone who died and it’s their spirit,
just unlatched and opened right up on because that can’t be proven. There’s
its own. That was cool. not technology out there that can 100
percent prove it. But, it can interact
MYSTIC: That was the same place with you— it can move small objects.
we had to discuss whether or not we Then there are ‘poltergeists,’ which
would label it haunted. Did we catch are usually manifested psycho-kinesis,
anything that would be proof positive? usually by pre-pubescent children,
usually girls. And the best way to test
GRYPHON: Was it haunted? No. for those is... if you have one that you’re
Was there something paranormal? investigating and there is a small child,
Well— remove that child for a day or two. Take
them to Grandma’s or something and
CCP: So, is there a criterion? see if the activity stops. That’s the best
way to test. Um... and there’s what they
GRYPHON: The only way I would call “demonic” haunts. Those are nasty.
be willing to label something haunted, I Those are the ones where people get
would have to have a full body apparition really hurt.
appear on video where I could bring it
to you and go, ‘look.’ And if there was CCP: Seen any of those?
no way you could deny it.
GRYPHON: I have not. I hope I
CCP: Has an apparition ever never do.
conclusively been caught on film?
Anywhere in the world? CCP: Fair enough.
GRYPHON: I don’t honestly know MYSTIC: We’re fairly stoked about
that answer. that one... that one house, when all of us
MYSTIC: You’d have to prove so
much. The type of equipment that
was used, you have to know who
the person [photographer] is and do
they have the ability to Photoshop,
which has been a horrible thing for us.
See we stay away from touching up
anything; all we do is turn it [a photo]
into a negative.
GRYPHON: Our biggest things,
our main goals with SCPARA are to
research, investigate, and educate.
And document. Again, we’re here
to help people. Not to be an actual
counselor for them, but when they do
call us, a lot of times they’re scared,
and that’s when we go in and we
investigate and if there is something
paranormal happening, even if we
don’t label it haunted, we try to
decide: okay, is it going to harm them,
do they feel comfortable staying in the
house, and if they don’t, then it’s our
job to talk to them, reassure them that bluelagoonexotics.com
it’s not going to harm them. Now, we
don’t know 100 percent, but—
MYSTIC: If you’ve live in the
house for twenty years, and have dealt
with these experiences, and no one’s
been injured, chances are, you’re not
going to be harmed. It’s just kind of a
residual; it’s doing its thing and you
are doing yours, and--
CCP: --What’s a residual?
GRYPHON: A residual haunting.
It’s kind of like a movie playing over
and over again. It’s just a psychic
impression in time.
News citypaper July 19, 2006 

are very intently covering their assigned
positions and then everyone hears,
(mimicking demonic voice) ‘Get out!’
Then what are we going to do? We’ve
always joked about it. Are we going to
scramble over one another to run out
or will it be, ‘We’ve got to go find it!’
You just never know until that situation
comes up. Half of us might freak out
and go one way and the other will be,
‘Where is it? Where is it?’ Personally,
I don’t know how I would react to a
demonic haunt.
equipment: IR [infrared] cameras that
can see 60 feet in total darkness, and
we usually run about four of those
during an investigation. We use Sony Hi
8 camcorders, digital audio recorders,
analog audio recorders, EMF readers,
which measure electromagnetic
fields, digital thermometers to test
for temperature fluctuations, motion
detectors, laptop computers. And pen
and paper. (Chuckles) Pen and paper
are the biggest ones. Goes with me
everywhere.
questioning—
especially with EVPs— and we’ll CCP: What do those letters stand
listen and listen and listen and she’s my for: EVP?
testing rod. ‘Cause if she walks into the
room and she hears it and wigs out— MYSTIC: Electronic Voice
Phenomenon. That one will eventually
GRYPHON: We know we got go on the Web site, but like I said it was
something good. the wrong choice of background or
(Laughter) white noise. It almost hurts your ears.
MYSTIC: The EVP where we asked GRYPHON: EVPs are a lot harder
a question and actually got an answer to get because when you’re listening

(She and GRYPHON both share a

long pause as if considering it.)
MYSTIC: Flashlights. “We don’t go in there trying to prove that a
GRYPHON: Digital cameras, 35 place is haunted. We try to prove that it’s not.”
MYSTIC: Luckily, I sit at a station mm cameras, I have a kit that I keep
that is generally by the front door with me that has all of that equipment
(Laughter). Just in case. in there. Right now I’m trying to save the was with me. I asked the question, but to the playback, you’re listening to a
money to buy a 16 channel DVR. Right of course you can’t hear it [the answer] conversation like we’re having right
CCP: Have you guys ever gone to now we’re just using VCR, but I want until playback. now, but you’ve got to listen through all
any of those online databases that show to do DVR because it’s much easier. I’d that for the whispers you might catch.
the most haunted cities and states in rather have the DVR so I can burn it all CCP: Is that the one [EVP] on your You’ve got to take an audio program,
the country? to disk. It would be easier. Plus, storage Web site? like Goldwave or Audacity, and try to
space... enhance it and bring it up, filter out
GRYPHON: We have, but you’ve MYSTIC: No. some of the front noise and grab what’s
got to understand a lot of that is just MYSTIC: ...We have six kids. coming out of the back.
college students freaking each other GRYPHON: That’s a different
out. They’re not big into actually going CCP: Wow! investigation. MYSTIC (to CCP): How often do
out and doing investigations. A lot of you use a digital recorder?
them [the places listed on the sites] are MYSTIC: And of the six kids, CCP: How does that work?
places like “Cry Baby Bridge” or the we have one that is a complete and CCP: Mainly just for interviews like
“Devil’s Stomping Ground.” You know. total chicken. She has seen and she MYSTIC: I just sat down and was this.
I’m not taking my $5,000 cameras has heard and she has experienced trying to test the equipment because
outside to some bridge to play in the and she is terrified of it. She’s now we had just gotten the digital recorder. MYSTIC: You’ll have to go back
mud. I’m not doing that. 17. And with her, it’s so funny, cause I was sitting in my room and I was and listen to some of your recordings,
I mean we have high dollar we’ll come across something we’ll be trying the different sound effects for but not listen to the conversation. Tune
background noise [to drown out other out what the people are saying and see
distractive noises in the background]. what you can hear in the background.
I have a waterfall, crickets. I chose the
cricket one cause that’s the one we GRYPHON: You’d be surprised.
sleep to. I sat there for probably about,
I don’t know, 15 or 20 minutes asking CCP: What do you think about the
random questions. Nothing. TV shows about ‘ghost hunting’ that are
Well, I asked about the cat. We on right now? Like with the mediums…
have a cat that frequents our house,
that we call the “ghost cat.” One time, GRYPHON: We don’t use mediums,
I was carrying in some groceries, and psychics, any of that. Never. Because
you know how a cat will bat at your feet, then you’re just taking their word. Do
playing? I felt that. But, we didn’t have a I believe that those people exist, sure,
cat. Then it darted away. The kids were I believe they do. But I’m not taking
behind me and saw it dart away, but someone into your house or your
I was the one who felt it. The cat still business to sit there and go ‘Oooh,
bops in and out. But, it’s not a cat, OK, I feel spirits.’ What does that prove,
it’s just there. that doesn’t prove anything. I want to
So, I asked about the cat [into the show you pictures, I want to show you
digital recorder], whether it’s a spirit cat. concrete pictures that you were with me
...And something answered. when I took these pictures so you know.
I want to show you video or give you
GRYPHON: Clear as day it said, audio that’s concrete, because that’s
‘spirit cat.’ And it’s in a man’s voice. what we’re about—proving. Beyond a
And she was the only one home. shadow of a doubt.

MYSTIC: I can’t hear it at that point, CCP: Would you ever want to be on
so I go on and ask another question— TV for doing this kind of work?

CCP: —so you can’t hear it until GRYPHON: No. We’re not trained
you play it back? monkeys. We don’t perform on queue.

MYSTIC: Right. So, upon playback, CCP: Would it be possible for us to

I decided that the crickets were not a come along on an investigation?
good choice ‘cause it’s so shrill on the
digital and I’m trying to figure out what GRYPHON: (long pause) We’d have
else we could use and it’s playing and to clear that with a client.
playing and then I heard the voice.
I really got excited and I called him CCP: Well if you ever do… let us
[GRYPHON] at work. The kids came know.
home and I asked them to listen and my
chicken kid, oh my God, she wigged. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
 News citypaper July 19, 2006

Monkey Island on My Mind

Exploring one of South Carolina’s most bizarre semi-natural wonders
are in optimal conditions and are
extremely well looked after. The natural
By Todd Morehead fauna and flora of the island continue
to thrive as well. We are proud to
We were half a mile from shore when play an important in the continued
the boat started to take on water. maintenance of this critical resource
Thomas (Tommy) Bishop, captain and national treasure.”
of our foundering johnboat, used the Labeling it a “national treasure” might
ridiculous white yachtsman’s cap he’d be a stretch, but the island certainly is
been wearing to bail out the backend, a natural beauty; an unmolested piece
while the two of us up front shoveled of land, overgrown and wild, on a strip
out what water we could with a plastic of coast mostly dominated by multi-
cup and a bait bucket. million dollar vacation homes.
“ ‘Plug came out again,” Bishop Bishop swung the boat in close
grinned and slapped the wet hat back to the islands southern beach and
on his head. we cruised along silently, hoping
Seagulls dive-bombed a couple to catch a glimpse of one of the big
of shrimp boats to our east, off the rhesus monkeys, some of which are
northern most tip of Hunting Island rumored to have numbers tattooed
where the Atlantic feeds seawater into on their chests. Driftwood littered the
St. Helena Sound near Beaufort. The beach, daylight barely penetrating the
water was calm that day and a small thick canopy of trees. It seemed like
pod of dolphins cruised along beside a good place for a monkey to raise a
us, feeding on the schools of finger family... well, until the guys in lab coats
mullet we’d been netting for bait. But came to stuff them in cages and ship
we weren’t just there for the fish. them off to be injected with bird flu or
We were headed across the channel sprayed in the face with experimental
and up the Morgan River from Coffin household cleaners.
Point toward the mysterious shores of We cut the engine and fished the
Morgan Island (a.k.a. “Monkey Island”), Morgan River for bait. Up on the
a state-owned 400 acre patch of land, A resident of Monkey Island checks out the boat island, the monkeys stayed hidden in
which has housed a free ranging monkey the shade. I had mixed feelings for the
colony since 1979. Tommy has been hairy little guys-- something between
fishing and swimming these waters since for instance, if it was breeding season said, “there are no plans to develop curiosity and pity-- and felt, almost, like
childhood. One evening he mentioned for the monkeys. Being bum-rushed Morgan Island, which is currently owned I was gazing up at a very beautiful open-
the island to me nonchalantly. and savagely raped by an overgrown by the state of South Carolina. AGI is air death row. But, until that day came,
male macaque wasn’t how I planned to in discussions with the state of South at least, the monkeys couldn’t have
Carolina for continued use of hoped for a better place to grow up.
the island.”
Each year, Alpha Genesis, Inc. (AGI), the lord and According to the Humane
A few long moments passed.
“Man, you could probably catch
Society of the United States,
leaseholder of the island, exports roughly 700 between $500 and $800 million
bull sharks in this river channel,” I
observed.
is spent on monkey research
monkeys (or “nonhuman primates”) of varying each year. The South Carolina
Tommy shrugged and Jeff, who’d been
fishing from the bow, pulled up his line
breeds to various private sector companies and Humane Society has expressed
concern about the existence
quickly. We had just enough gas to get
us back to the dock and decided to
the US government for use in scientific research. of the island, but Westergaard
maintains that the facility offers
call it a day. As we made our way back
toward Coffin Point, trolling a line for
the best environment possible Spanish mackerel, I looked over the tip
for the monkeys. of the pole in the direction of Monkey
“Yeah, man. They’re quarantined on the cap off our fishing trip. “The Morgan Island project is extremely Island and wished them all luck.
island. Sometimes they’ll come right to Currently, the islands population important. The monkeys on the island talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
the water and screech at you and throw has reached an estimated 6,000
sticks. I think they’re used for medical monkeys. Each year, Alpha Genesis,
experiments.” Inc. (AGI), the lord and leaseholder
I’m no fan of animal experimentation, of the island, exports roughly 700
but this place was just too weird to go monkeys (or “nonhuman primates”)
unobserved, something I felt I had to of varying breeds to various private
see to believe. Before our trip, though, sector companies and the US
Bishop made one thing perfectly clear: government for use in scientific
there was no way we were getting near research.
the beach --even if it wasn’t a federal Recently, rumors have surfaced
offense to do so. that South Carolina might not renew
I balked. the colony’s lease, opting instead to
“Dude,” he’d said, “would you really sell the land to potential developers.
want to be stuck on that island with But Dr. Greg Westergaard, President
thousands of them? These aren’t cute and CEO of AGI confirmed to City
little zoo monkeys. ...They’d probably Paper that the monkeys are staying
attack.” where they are for the foreseeable
He had a point. And there were other future.
variables to consider; we didn’t know, “To the best of my knowledge,” he File photo. Bishop and johnboat afloat in an inlet off St. Helena sound.
Ted Rall citypaper July 19, 2006 9

GATES AND BUFFETT: 1000

TIMES WORSE THAN KEN LAY
Why Enron Chief Was Better Than “Phi-
lanthropists”
Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Ken Lay--
all thieves. Compared to the world’s two rich-
est men, however, Lay was small potatoes.
So why are we praising them, and kicking
Lay while he’s down--six feet down?
Yeah, yeah, I watched the documentary
(“Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room”).
Lay and his sidekick CEO Jeffrey Skilling,
ton-era Justice Department thought he’d
cheated millions of American consumers
by violating anti-trust laws--but it’s hard to
see how their billions are more ethically legit
than Lay’s misbegotten millions. Sorry, but
“working hard” doesn’t cut it. I don’t care if
you stay late at the office every night, work
weekends and holidays, or you never go on
vacation. It doesn’t matter how smart, imag-
inative or lucky you are. It just isn’t possible
to earn $44 billion in a single lifetime.
Not honestly, anyway.
Gates and Buffett have created a lot of
to those below,” he told Fortune in 2005. But
philanthropy won’t slow the United States’
slide into Third Worlddom. And it doesn’t
help the philanthropists’ victims. All things
considered, a $45 million lout like Ken Lay
hurts America less than a $44 billion one like
Bill Gates.
Consider a burglar who boosts your TV
and then, thinking better of it, donates it to
an orphanage. His act of generosity beats
the alternative--keeping it for himself. But
you’d probably prefer that he’d returned it to
you, or better yet, never stolen it at all.
(Ted Rall is the author of “Silk Road to Ruin:
Is Central Asia the New Middle East?,” an
analysis of America’s next big foreign policy
challenge.)
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

Ready For Work

used bluster, lies, a bunch of fictional Excel
spreadsheets and an updated Ponzi scheme
to create what appeared to be the nation’s
seventh largest energy company. Even when
the truth--that Enron had negative net as-
sets--was about to come out, Lay continued
to talk up his BS company and its fraudu-
lently inflated stock. Shareholders, many of
them employees whose retirement savings
were invested entirely in Enron, believed his
reports that the company’s finances were
solid. Meanwhile, while he lied through his
teeth to thousands of men and women who
would be ruined because they believed him,
he secretly cashed out millions of dollars of
his own.
Federal prosecutors say that Lay and
Skilling illegally bilked Enron out of $183 mil-
lion, including company bonuses paid during
their conspiracy to pump up the company’s
stock and Lay’s use of its line of credit to pay
off millions in personal debt for such items
as a $200,000 yacht for his wife Linda’s 2001
birthday party. When Lay died last week of a
heart attack, having been found guilty of a
fraud that led to the 2001 collapse of Enron,
he had been awaiting sentencing. The New
York Post, noting that Texas law may protect
Lay’s estate from forking over the $43.5 mil-
lion the Securities and Exchange Commis-
sion had sought as restitution, published one
of its instant classic front pages: pictures of
the deceased executive and a coffin, under
the headline “Before They Put Cheato Lay’s
Coffin in the Grave, CHECK HE’S IN IT.”
True, Lay was scum. But the “I Spit On
Your Grave” act is a new phenomenon. Cru-
el and avaricious titans of industry typically
receive the kid gloves treatment when they
pass on to the Great Equities Desk. In 1989
Steven J. Ross, chairman and chief execu-
tive of Time Warner, paid himself a record
$78.2 million--more than 9,000 times the
average salary of his employees, thousands
of whom he had cheerfully laid off the year
before. When some cynics mentioned that
Ross’ victims might be jumping for joy at the
news of his 1992 death from prostate cancer,
they were universally and loudly denounced
as rude and unfeeling.
Lay stole $43.5 million. Ross overpaid
himself at least $78.2 million (worth $121.9
million today). Now consider investor War-
ren Buffett and Microsoft chairman Bill
Gates, worth $44 billion and $50 billion, re-
spectively, according to Forbes. Each one
has accumulated one thousand times more
cash than Ken “#1 Bush Campaign Donor”
Lay. But we’re supposed to like, and even
admire, these rogues.
Buffett and Gates may not have broken
any laws--although, in Gates’ case, the Clin-
pain and misery on their way to “earning”
their combined $94 billion. (Bear in mind,
that’s what they’re worth. That doesn’t in-
clude what they’ve spent.) Gates scammed
his dough the old-fashioned way: over-
charging his customers and underpaying
his employees. Somewhere along the way
to accumulating $50 billion, doesn’t it occur
to a guy that he could charge a little less
than $200 for buggy, instantly obsolete,
software? Or that it’s time for a company-
wide raise? He could even hire (gasp) union-
ized American workers instead of building
plants in the Third World and relying on the
slave labor of prison inmates!
It’s harder to draw a direct line between
Buffett’s convoluted arbitrage machina-
tions and the reduced incomes of thou-
sands of other people, but anyone who has
been downsized by a shareholder-terror-
ized managing board has experienced the
impoverishing of the workers whose em-
ployers he targets.
Now we’re supposed to be shocked
and awed by Buffett’s decision to give $37 MEDS offers accurate drug testing on site to make
billion--about 85 percent of his assets--to
Bill Gates’ foundation. “Stunning in its gen- sure your employees are ready to work. In addition
erosity,” raved the Christian Science Moni-
tor. “The scale of Mr. Buffett’s philanthropy to drug testing MEDS offers the following services
is matched by its good sense,” chimed the
Washington Post. Recent grants paid out for employers:
by the Gates Foundation include $100,000
for the museum at Pearl Harbor, $241,500
SLED Background Checks
“to provide sustainable public access com-
puter hardware and software upgrades” to
D.O.T. Physicals
libraries in Los Angeles, and $21 million “to Drug Testing Kits
provide curriculum and support for teach-
ers as a part of a transformation that aims Vaccines
to prepare...Chicago public school students
for success in post-secondary education.” Physicals
Good causes all, but maintaining Pearl
Harbor is one of the reasons we pay fed-
eral taxes. Why does a national war memo-
rial need help from Gates? One can’t help
wonder whether L.A. libraries and Chicago
schools might be less cash-strapped in the
first place if so much of our society’s wealth
hadn’t been monopolized by America’s tiny,
increasingly powerful oligarchy, rather than
going to city taxpayers in the form of fair
wages and affordable computers.
Factoid: the average member of the Westside Medical Center Spring Valley Family Practice
Forbes 400 list of the richest Americans has
seen his income rise 3.5 times--from $800
million (adjusted to 2006 dollars) to $2.8 bil- 803-939-8422 803-462-3784
lion--in the last 20 years. Meanwhile, real 3020 Sunset Boulevard 9354 Two Notch Road
income for more than half the population
increased...zero. Nada. Zip. West Columbia, S.C. 29169 Columbia S.C. 29223
To his credit, Buffett acknowledges the
rising income disparity. “What has gone on
in this country in recent years is a huge ben-
efit to the very rich and not much that relief
10 citypaper July 19, 2006
The Good Fight: Will Truth Make A Difference?
It means little in current
public policy debates
By Will Moredock
(Founder of the late Point Newsweekly)
It would seem the “debate” about
secondhand smoke is finally over, with the
recent statement by U.S. Surgeon General
Richard Carmona.
“The health effects of secondhand
smoke are more pervasive than we
previously thought,” Carmona said. “The
scientific evidence is now indisputable:
Secondhand smoke is not a mere
annoyance. It is a serious health hazard that
can lead to disease and premature death
in children and nonsmoking adults.”
According to the Surgeon
General’s report, exposure to smoke can
cause heart disease and lung cancer
in nonsmoking adults; it can cause
sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS),
respiratory problems, asthma and ear
infections in infants and children. The
most sophisticated ventilation system
cannot eliminate secondhand smoke.
Only smoke-free environments are safe.
Of course, this is what reputable
scientists have been telling us for years,
but the tobacco industry and their goons
and stooges have created false data and
pumped it through the media for years,
suggesting that there is still serious
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scientific doubt about the effects of
cigarettes and secondhand smoke. As
a tobacco executive wrote in a recently
divulged industry memo from the 1970s,
“…our product is doubt.”
Politicians and media executives were
only too happy to go along with the ruse,
because there were too many advertising
dollars and campaign contributions at
stake to get picky about whether or not
cigarettes actually kill people.
Maybe the Surgeon General’s report
will finally settle the issue of secondhand
smoke. Or maybe not. But the report left
no doubt as to what the Surgeon General
and his staff thought of the tobacco
industry’s decades-long campaign of
deceit and obfuscation: “The industry
has funded or carried out research that
has been judged to be biased, supported
scientists to generate letters to editors that
criticized research publications, attempted
to undermine the findings of key studies,
assisted in establishing a scientific
society with a journal, and attempted to
sustain controversy even as the scientific
community reached consensus.”
The Surgeon General’s report
comes just in time for the good people
of Charleston. For years city council
has been debating a possible ban on
smoking in bars and restaurants. Each
time it has come up for a vote, it has
been sent back for “further study” in a
fog of specious arguments over private
property rights and what the science says
about secondhand smoke. This report
should clear the air on both arguments.
Nobody’s private property gives him the
right to jeopardize the life and health of his
employees and customers. City Council is
currently considering a smoking ban and
will probably vote on it before the end of
the summer. The Surgeon General’s report
might give council members the courage
to do what they should have done years
ago.
The report might also renew efforts
in Columbia to pass a state law against
smoking in public places. In the General
Assembly a few weeks ago, a bill that would
have banned cigarettes in restaurants,
bars and other public places came within
two votes of clearing committee and going
to the Senate floor. It was a much better
showing than most observers expected
and this report will likely give the effort
new life.
Rep. Chip Limehouse (R-Charleston)
told the Post and Courier, “I feel certain
we will bring (the bill) up again next year in
the General Assembly. I expect (the report)
to shift the argument a little bit in favor of
the rights of nonsmokers.”
On June 27, the day the Surgeon
General released his report, Al Gore’s
global warming documentary, An
Inconvenient Truth, received 19 thumbs
up from top climate researchers.
The Associated Press contacted more
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July 20 Edie / Todd Cecil / Hannah Miller
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July 22 Westbridge
July 27 Tom Hall & The Plowboys
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STRUDEL NOW HAS FREE WIFI
than 100 climatologists for their opinions,
including some vocal skeptics of climate
change theory, according to the P&C. Of
those scientists who had seen the movie
or read the book it was based on, there
was unanimous agreement: Gore got the
science right. The planet is heating up and
it is a man-made catastrophe, caused by
the burning of fossil fuels.
Like the “debate” on secondhand
smoke, this debate should be over. Yet,
it will not go away because the fossil fuel
industries do not want us to stop burning
oil, gas and coal. They have spent tens of
millions of dollars in recent years, ginning
up bogus research, news stories and
opinion pieces, all designed to promote the
idea that global warming is a hoax created
by liberals, tree huggers and self-important
baby boomers. The corporate campaign
of disinformation is documented in An
Inconvenient Truth, which is still playing in
Charleston. It’s worth a look, not just for
the terrifying future it foretells for planet
Earth, but for the evil that corporations will
do to make a dollar.
Now we know the truth. The time
for “debate” is over.
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
Statehouse Report
SC STATEHOUSE REPORT
Earned income tax credit can lift some out of poverty
By Andy Brack
From the state Chamber of
Commerce to the Palmetto Institute,
more folks are talking about raising
incomes in South Carolina to boost
competitiveness and make the state
stronger.
According to preliminary 2005
figures from the U.S. Department of
Commerce, per capita income in the
state is $28,352 – 82 percent of the
national average of $34,586. South
Carolina ranks 43rd nationally in per
capita income.
While business and non-profit
leaders are focusing on the problem,
state lawmakers don’t seem to have
it on their radar screen. Yes, they’ve
taken steps to try to lure more jobs here,
but most of that effort seems to focus
on bringing in big industries instead
of pumping up small businesses.
Unfortunately, any gains they see from
new jobs aren’t keeping up with lost jobs,
particularly manufacturing jobs. In turn,
that keeps the state’s unemployment
rate among the highest in the nation.
Perhaps it is time for state
government to do more. One idea to
consider is a state earned income tax
credit. Some 19 states across the
country have successfully implemented
such a credit to help lift working low-
income residents out of poverty. No
Southern state has a fully refundable
credit, although Virginia will implement
a non-refundable version in the 2006 tax
year.
An earned income tax credit is a
work incentive that goes to working
families. State EITCs typically are based
on the federal credit, which has enjoyed
bipartisan support and expansion over
the last 30 years.
The federal EITC reduces or
eliminates income taxes for poor and
near-poor working families. Additionally,
it also can provide a refund for any
remaining amount of credit. It helps
offset other federal payroll taxes, such
as Social Security, and can help bring
working family incomes above the
poverty line.
Here’s how the federal credit worked
in 2005. If a family with two or more
children had an income of less than
$35,263 (or $37,263 for married couples
filing jointly), the working family could
receive an earned income tax credit of
up to $4,400. As incomes approach the
top level of income in the EITC program,
the credit phases out. The maximum
benefit tends to be for families with
incomes around $15,000 to $18,000.
citypaper July 19, 2006 11
Families that take part in the federal
EITC program are able to get back some
of the money withheld from paychecks.
If their incomes are low enough, they
may receive an additional refund up
to the total of $4,400, based on total
income.
Across the South, some 6.4 million
working poor families took advantage
of the earned income tax credit in 2003.
In South Carolina, almost 415,000 of
the 1.8 million federal tax returns filed
included EITC claims worth $980 million.
In other words, the federal government
pumped almost a billion back into South
Carolina to augment wages of working
poor families.
But while the proven federal
government strategy recognizes that
an EITC is a way to boost incomes of
the working poor, South Carolina hasn’t
responded in kind.
So that leaves working poor families
in a weird place: Those with earnings
so low that they get a credit refund from
the federal government still have to pay
state income taxes. Arguably these
taxes are lower, but they put a strain on
already poor working families that are
trying to escape poverty.
States with EITCs generally have
implemented refundable state credits
based on a percentage of the federal
credit, which makes it easy to administer.
If, for example, a family qualified for a
federal credit of $4,400, a state credit at
a 10 percent level would relieve a state
income tax burden of up to $440.
Yes, a refundable earned income tax
credit for South Carolina would “cost”
money. If South Carolina enacted a
credit based on 10 percent of the federal
EITC, they would have to come up with
a $96 million pool to make refunds to
the working poor.
But many argue that investing in
working families through the credit
would reduce the burden of regressive
sales and property taxes. It also would
reward work in a progressive way
without creating a welfare program.
And it certainly seems a better way to
help thousands of working people than
providing millions in tax incentives for
big businesses that bring relatively few
jobs to the state.
Andy Brack is publisher of S.C.
Statehouse Report. He can be reached
at brack@statehousereport.com.
Andy Brack, publisher of S.C.
Statehouse Report, has a new book
of commentaries called Bugging the
Palmettos. You can reach him at:
brack@statehousereport.com.
12 Zip Code Crime Watch citypaper July 19, 2006

Mr. Meaner’s

CRIME
WAT C H
The people involved in these
events are innocent until proven
guilty. The accounts come
directly from police reports.
This is not a court of law.

29127
Deputies look for the $7 Million Dollar Mari-
juana Man this week after cops found a pot
field worth that much in the woods on private
property near tennis courts in North Richland
County. A dog walker allegedly called the cops
to narc on the 3,500 pot plants ranging mostly
between an inch and 4 feet. The owner of the
land reportedly lives in Washington, D.C. In
some places, ounce for ounce marijuana can
be worth its weight in gold and anyone who
says money doesn’t grow on trees obviously
never sold weed in college. North Springs sub-
division

29127
Good News of the Week: A woman called
the po-po to report a lost wallet but was ap-
proached by a “concerned citizen” while she
was making her report. The citizen gave the
woman back her wallet, saying she found it
after it had fallen out of a shopping bag ear-
lier that day. This shows us Columbia really is
full of “smiling faces, beautiful places” and not
just a sunny place for shady people, 400 block
Bush River Road
29201
BackPorchGate: An alleged burglar used a pry
bar to break into S.C. political mainstay, the
Back Porch, according to one police docu-
ment. At around 5:30 a.m. members of the
police force responded to an alarm and noted
damage to the east side door to the gate of the
restaurant. The Back Porch has been known to
cater to the likes of Gov. Mark Sanford, House
Speaker Bobby Harrell, former Gov. Beas-
ley, Attorney General Henry McMaster, former
House Majority Leader Rick Quinn and House
Judiciary Chairman Jim Harrison among others.
The Back Porch was also reportedly the scene
where a storied former Sanford press secretary
had a well-documented spat with a lady-friend,
1600 block Gervais Street
29201
Cut and Run: A police officer arrested a 57-
year-old homeless man and made it a point to
mention the “three to five inch toe nails” on the
hobo. The officer said he arrested the man after
he saw him walking into the courtyard of a prop-
erty he knew the man was already on trespass
for. The man with “no permanent address” was
also carrying an open beer that landed him an
additional “alcohol in public” charge. Get some
clippers buddy and maybe next time you won’t
get caught, 1003 block Elmwood Ave.
29201
After noticing a vehicle stopped at a green light
and not moving, an officer approached the
car to find the driver unresponsive. According
to the officer, the 22-year-old man behind the
wheel reeked of booze and could hardly stand
up when he got out of the car. When trying to
speak, the man was slurring is speech, prompt-
ing the officer to arrest him for drunkenness,
4400 block Devine Street
29201
Boyz In The Hood: Six members of the Colum-
bia Police Dept. responded to a call in refer-
ence to a “person with a gun,” on the warm
evening of July 8. Approaching a large group
of people at a playground, reporting officer Cpl.
D.S. Cribb said he saw a 17-year-old man bend
over and place an object on the ground 15 feet
away and cover it with playground sand. Fur-
ther inspection uncovered the object to be a
pistol and the boy, who lived nearby, was ar-
rested, 900 block Colleton Street
29201
Police nabbed a boozed-up 44-year-old Co-
lumbia man on his own street after they said
he “was unable to finish a complete sentence.”
The man was being interviewed by an officer
reporting to an assault call who happened to
find the middle-aged malcontent staggering
around and smelling like a brewery. He was ar-
rested and taken to the drunk tank for his sins,
500 block Isaac Street.
29201
Caught You Ridin’ Dirty: The 5-0 caught a mid-
dle aged homeless man ridin’ dirty this week
after noticing the paper license tag on the back
of his car that read “Tag applied for.” Appar-
ently the officer knew only a criminal would end
a sentence with a preposition and activated his
emergency lights and siren. The reporting offi-
cer said not only did the man not have a driver’s
license but he also had an open container of
“Old English Beer” (sic) inside the vehicle. First
of all, it’s spelled “Olde” and everyone who
went to college knows Olde English is malt li-
quor, 2300 block Devine Street
29201
Officers were dispatched to a call for a “fight
in progress” at the Uptown Lounge and found
a pistol stuffed gangsta style in the rear waist-
band of some punk. The gun was tagged as
evidence and the 35-year-old man was tagged
as riff raff and locked up, 3000 block Colonial
Drive
29201
“What the f#!k do you know about cocaine,
mang?” An officer reporting to a stolen vehicle
call got more than he bargained for this week
when he found his subject to be in posses-
sion of CRACK COCAINE not only for himself
but apparently ready for sale. The 27-year-old
crackhead was busted for possessing the bag
of sugar boogers and also for intending to sell it
near a park. You’re no Scarface, that’s for sure,
100 block Broomfield Road
29201
After observing a homeless woman in a white
shirt and orange pants sucking down a brewski
in the park after hours, an officer asked her to
pour it out. Totally ignoring the cop, the 29-
year-old booze-bum continued to guzzle her
sauce and tried to hide the evidence. She was
taken to jail…oddly enough not for the orange
pants 1500 block Frye Road
29201
While conducting a field interview, an officer
asked a middle aged Columbia man if he had
any weapons or drugs. Without answering, the
man yanked a bag of CRACK out of his pocket
and showed it to the cop. It is unknown at this
time whether the entire U.S. crack cocaine drug
cartel said in unison “see, all you have to do is
ask,” 900 block Walnut Street
Zip Code Crime Watch citypaper July 19, 2006 13
asked several times.” Police said the woman

3 For Free
then ran behind the residence and started
fighting another woman. The 24-year-old was
arrested for disorderly conduct, for being “the
main aggressor” and not letting go of the other
subject. We’re wondering if the incident was
captured on police video and if we can sell it

1st year Anniversary Sale

to Brawlin’ Broads for beer money, 1400 block
Hyatt Ave.

29203
This Week In Gangland: Police found what they
said was “gang graffiti” painted on the entire
door of Aimes Manor Apartments. Cops said
the graffiti extended throughout the entire walls 1 FREE Solid Cotton Cover
2 FREE no-slip pad
on the side of the building and passed the infor-
mation on to Sgt. C. White (who is the supervi-
sor with the Columbia Police Gang Task Force.)
The same graffiti was also allegedly found on
three other buildings nearby, 5800 block Aimes 3 FREE Delivery
Road (Columbia area with futon purchase of $250 or more)
29203
Sticks and Stones and Broken Noses: Police
say a victim was “teased” before being struck
in the face with an open hand. That’s called a
“bitch slap,” I don’t care where you’re from, 100
block Lorick Circle

29201
Someone called to report a person setting a fire
on the top deck of a parking garage on Rich-
land Street, saying they could see it from the
Bank of America building. Police found their
suspect who admitted to pouring fuel from a
leaf blower on the ground and lighting it on
fire. Thing is…July 4 was a while ago, buddy,
and fireworks really aren’t that expensive, 1100
block Richland Street
29203
A verbal altercation got physical at Sunset Place
this week after a middle-aged woman saw her
boyfriend dancing with another girl. The wom-
an said she approached her boy toy to “con-
front him about the other woman,” and while
she was doing so the other woman waltzed
away. The argument turned violent when the
boyfriend pushed her and scratched her arms.
He was then allegedly escorted out of the club
by security, 300 block Sunset Blvd.
29203
Cat Fight! The call for “two females fighting”
crackled across police radio channels around
4:15 p.m. on July 7. Reporting officer JM Oli-
vares said upon his arrival, a 24-year-old 5’6”
black woman with black hair and brown eyes
was “very loud and boisterous, using profan-
ty (sic) and would not calm down after being
29203
A redneck pounded his girlfriend three times in
the face with his fist over the weekend causing
injuries to her nose and mouth. The 44-year-old
victim’s face was swollen and EMS took her to
the hospital. She said the guy used to live with
her and he took off before the police showed
up like any normal wife beater would, 3200
block Lyles
29203
An 87-year-old lady said she got into an alterca-
tion with someone who she found sleeping on
her porch. The woman said the person picked
up a rake and threw it through her screen door.
She said she believes her intruder to be home-
less and that it’s not the first time this has hap-
pened. She sure puts the “old” in “same old
story,” 5800 block Ames Road
29203
The $15 Black Eye: A 47-year-old Columbia
man said an individual “confronted him about
fifteen dollars” and then struck him in the face
“with his right closed fist.” Hey, we’ve gotten
black eyes from just reporting this stuff, 1600
block Bailey Street
29203
A Sign From God? The owner of a residence
complained that a stained glass window was
smashed when a rock was kicked up by a
neighboring lawn mower, sailed through the air
and then shattered the glass. The complainant
believes “it was accidental,” 100 block Isaac
Street
29203
Identity Theft Drama: A baby’s momma believes
her baby’s daddy is using the Social Secu-
rity Number of their…baby. The SSN has been
used in Maryland, Virginia and Washington D.C.
The baby’s daddy has admitted to using the
number. Case closed unless the little thing can
crawl that far, 3400 block Carver Street
29204
Some jag-off threw a brick through the living
room window of a house in Columbia causing
$200 in damage. They’ve been doing reruns of
Dazed and Confused all summer, but come on,
2500 block Center Street
29204
Doesn’t Make Cents: An employee of a gas sta-
tion told police a young man came in with a real
$20 bill and a “fake” $10 bill.” The complainant
said the young man used the $20 to pay for gas
803-988-0662
743 Saluda Avenue, Five Points.
90 days same as cash with approved credit!
M-Fri 10am-7pm, Sat 10am-6pm, Sun 1pm-6pm
and was given $10 back in change. After he left
the station, the employee said she realized the
$10 was fake. This is exactly what she told po-
lice in a statement, but it doesn’t seem to add
up. Where in her story was she ever given a $10
bill? The United States Secret Service was noti-
fied, so maybe they can sort it all out and then
get back to that war in…Iraq? 3900 W. Beltline
29204
A man said he was yelled at, screamed at and
called “worthless” by another individual who
later scratched him on the back, side and arms.
To escape further injury, the man told police he
left to go to his uncle’s house. And hopefully
after that he went to his new Karate lesson or
scheduled a kickboxing class somewhere in
between Yoga and Pilates, 1900 block Windo-
ver Road
29205
Crime Of The Week: Brandishing two black
pistols, two men forced a 30-year-old man into
his apartment and duct taped him to a kitchen
chair. The man said one of them, between 20
and 30 years old and wearing a black shirt,
gray pants, braids and a mustache, held him at
gunpoint while another man pulled out dresser
drawers and ransacked the apartment. The man
holding the gun to his head asked him “where
the money at,” while emptying his pockets and
ending up with $2,000 in cash and a silver Mo-
torola flip phone. The attackers were later seen
exiting the residence and leaving in a black car
of unknown make and model. The subjects are
wanted for burglary, kidnapping and armed
robbery, 4400 block East Chapel
29205
A 20-year-old man was robbed at gunpoint with
a black semi-automatic pistol, according to po-
lice. The attacker reached into the man’s pock-
ets, stole his wallet and took off running like a
chump. He then jumped into a green four-door
Chevy Blazer and fled north on Beltline Blvd.
Welcome to Columbia when school’s out, 4400
block Blossom Street
29209
Can’t Always Get What You Want: A man from
Bishopville allegedly will not stop calling his ex-
girlfriend and saying things like “You are going
to get exactly what you deserve.” Police say
the man also uses profanity when speaking to
his 34-year-old ex who says she “used to date”
the clown but would rather file a report for Un-
lawful Communication instead, 1900 block Sat-
urn Lane
29210
Bad Deal! A 28-year-old woman said her purse
was snatched at the WIS-TV booth for “Deal
or No Deal,” at the Dutch Square Mall. The
woman’s purse was later found and turned in
to Customer Service but not before $355 was
jacked from it. The woman would probably
rather just have her money back than a another
shot at that joke of a game show, 400 block
Bush River Road
29210
Officers responded to a report of a lynching
in Columbia when two witnesses claimed to
have seen a victim being assaulted by punches
and kicks at the Marriott, 1200 block Hampton
Street
29210
While on a routine patrol, an officer said he
spotted a 21-year-old man “walking in the
roadway.” After stopping to talk with the guy,
the cop said the man was “in a grossly intoxi-
cated state” and smelled like beer. The loser
boozer was sloppy with both his speech and
14 Soundboard citypaper July 19, 2006

Thursday, July 20 122 State St., West Cola. A Coat 4 Joe

Wild Wing Café The Dirty Lowdown Running Nowhere
New Brookland Tavern 1150 Bower Pkwy., Cola. Sugar Jones Faith In Ashes
122 State St., West Cola. Seven & the Deadlies Westbridge Blindside Seven
Hello Radio So This Is It
Four Fifty One Saturday, July 22 Wednesday, July 26 Pagan Savant
The Killing Moon
Even Trade New Brookland Tavern New Brookland Tavern Wild Wing Café
122 State St., West Cola. 122 State St., West Cola. 1150 Bower Pkwy., Cola.
Art Bar 5:30PM Aposable Scum Tokyo Joe
1211 Park St., Cola. Judy Garland Death Polemic
Analog Moon Squad Tuesday, August 1
Too Late The Hero The Ackleys Headliners
JacobAndI 700 Gervais St., Cola. New Brookland Tavern
Headliners 9PM 122 State St., West Cola.
700 Gervais St., Cola. Pauly Paul & DJ Relapse Wild Wing Café To Kill The King
Virginia Coalition
Sun Brewed Soul
Erik V & Beija Flor
Will Wylz vs. Rhythm
1150 Bower Pkwy., Cola.
Sun Domingo
Brandtson at New Brookland Tavern I Am The End
Day Of Battle
Almost Jason Mechanic Saturday, July 29
Thursday, July 27 Doors: 5:30pm, Tickets: $8 advance/$10 day of show Wednesday, August 2
Art Bar At one time Brandtson was churning out albums that
1211 Park St., Cola. New Brookland Tavern had mid-school emo fans slobbering over the Deep New Brookland Tavern
Angie Aparo at Why Johnny Kills 122 State St., West Cola. Elm catalog. Several years ago the band made the step 122 State St., West Cola.
How to Vanish LeHorla over to Militia Group and released Send Us a Signal. The Stelle Group
Headliners: Friday The Stelle Group Soiree American Aquarium
July 21 It crunched, swirled, soared and had an elite group of
The Bamboons The Sammies twenty-somethings singing about Mexico early into the Magnetic Flowers
Doors: 8pm, Tickets: $10 Josephine\
advance/$12 day of show morning at hipster bars. This past Spring the boys from
Headliners Cleveland released Hello Control, heavy on synths, Headliners
Atlanta’s beloved Angie 700 Gervais St., Cola. Cafe Strudel 700 Gervais St., Cola.
Aparo returns to our city of Isabelle’s Gift 1810 State St. W. Cola programming, and killer dance moves. The Umbrellas, Hinder
southern hospitality once Tom Hall & The Plowboys DeSole, and Heist & the Accomplice will open. Chamber 6
again to share his award Jammin Java
winning songwriting skills. 1530 Main St., Cola. Art Bar Wild Wing Café Sunday, July 30 Thursday, August 3
Dylan Kight 1211 Park St., Cola. 1150 Bower Pkwy., Cola.
With ditties like “Space- Blankety Blank New Brookland Tavern
ship” and that Grammy Creve Coeur New Brookland Tavern
Wild Wing Café Hungry Models 122 State St., West Cola. 122 State St., West Cola.
winning song he wrote for Saturday, July 29 Seeking Eternity
Faith Hill he’s sure to have 1150 Bower Pkwy., Cola. Parklife
Stone Echo Headliners Senor Citizen Extra Blue Kind
you singing (and drinking) New Brookland Tavern Guns Of August
along. Madison Fair and 700 Gervais St., Cola. Hello Tomorrow
Cafe Strudel Stroke 9 122 State St., West Cola.
Autonomous will open. Brandston Monday, July 31
1810 State St. W. Cola Stereoside Art Bar
Cafe Strudel Westbridge Umbrellas 1211 Park St., Cola.
1810 State St. W. Cola Jammin Java DeSole New Brookland Tavern Sunshone Still
Edie / Todd Cecil / Hannah Sunday, July 23 1530 Main St., Cola. Heist & The Accomplice 122 State St., West Cola. Campo Bravo
Miller Taylor Davis New Music Night
New Brookland Tavern Aaron Hale Art Bar All Is Vanity
Jammin Java 122 State St., West Cola. 1211 Park St., Cola. Kill Anties
1530 Main St., Cola. Robinson Friday, July 28 Petrillo Relents
Micah Dalton Sings Of Collapse Josh Roberts
Nathan Angelo Me & Sir Octagon New Brookland Tavern
The Map Says We’re 122 State St., West Cola. Cafe Strudel
Friday, July 21 F#$%ed 5PM 1810 State St. W. Cola
Distress Case Kings Heart
New Brookland Tavern Monday, July 24 The Hundredth myspace/kingsheart
122 State St., West Cola. The Varsity
5:30PM New Brookland Tavern Aslan Headliners
Xemir 122 State St., West Cola. The Decade 700 Gervais St., Cola.
The White Light Complex Acoustic Night W/: 10PM King Hippo
9:30PM Brett Treacy Drum N Bass Night Black Eyed Susan
Jus Productions Marian Carter
Dawson Huss Cafe Strudel Jammin Java
Cafe Strudel Brightford 1810 State St. W. Cola 1530 Main St., Cola.
1810 State St. W. Cola Justin Petrey Happy Bones The Edison Project
Samsara Zach Fowler Faith GIlmore
Danny Moris Headliners Matthew Perryman Jones
Headliners Adam Bryant 700 Gervais St., Cola.
700 Gervais St., Cola. Physical Graphitti Wild Wing Café
Angie Aparo Wild Wing Café 1150 Bower Pkwy., Cola.
Madison Fair 1150 Bower Pkwy., Cola. Jammin Java Headshop Boys
Autonomous Tokyo Joe 1530 Main St., Cola.
Mark Wagner Jillian’s
Jammin Java Tuesday, July 25 Ryan Horne 800 Gervais St., Cola.
1530 Main St., Cola. Jon Black Radio Cult
Jeremy Scruggs New Brookland Tavern
15 The Angry Whale citypaper July 19, 2006

Fancy what?
cursiVe
Happy Hollow
August 22, 2006
Saddle Creek
STORY AND PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEAN RAYFORD

Carolina’s Fancy Lads make landfall with It’s a sad fact that Bright Eyes was really the first band to
break out of Omaha indie rock obscurity and into the lime-

foul mouths and hate paste. light. There are so many reasons why Cursive deserved to
be the first like Domestica and The Ugly Organ, but hopeful-
ly Happy Hollow will take them there.
It’s full of their discordant sing-a-longs and it is all about
intensity. Cursive have a reputation of trying something new
on every record, but it’s still all strung together in a very famil-
iar way. It’s kind of like that really cool uncle who would dress
up like Santa or the Easter Bunny to get a rise out of the
kids. He didn’t look like him, but the laugh and cigar smell
gave him away.
Cursive’s last album was full of beautiful cello and organ
swells that seemed to make every track bright and boom-
ing. They played it smart though. They got off a good thing
before beating it into the ground.
In Happy Hollow, they punctuate their conventional rock
foursome with a horn section, piano, accordion and even
some gospel. But, don’t worry they are probably using the
choir-esque track to highlight one of the album’s main
themes, religious hypocrisy. Don’t worry singer Tim Kasher
is still as bleak and jaded as ever.
He’s just trying to keep you grounded in reality while the
rest of the music industry is whirling factory-farmed songs of
bling and unrealistic dreams. But, who’s saying that reality
can’t be a little fun.
Happy Hollow is full of amazingly explosive choruses that
could have you doing a hip sway or a head bob while you
sing them out of key completely unaware the lyrics you sing
speak to our social climate and everyone’s unrest.
-Dewberry Mills

smoosh
Free to Stay
June 6, 2006
Barsuk
South Carolina’s Fancy Lads are foul human beings. in current music trends the band’s early inspirations “It said meet me here at ten p.m. and it was already
When they open their mouths the stench of Wild Turkey come strangely from the legendary Mongolian ruler seven o’clock so I only had to wait three hours. It turned
and menthol cigarettes mixes with the Waffle House air Genghis Khan. out to be the lead singer from Strife. The guitar player
during an interview on a recent humid summer evening “If you take our music and strip it down you can total- from Earth Crisis was there and the drummer from I wish I didn’t like this CD as much as I do. It has
near I-26 and US #1. One thing is for sure: The Fancy ly hear so many Genghis Khan references. We owe so Gorilla Biscuits,” says Todd. become one of my guilty pleasures. Right next to Pink.
Lads hang from the lowest rung of humanity. much to Genghis Khan,” says Jones. “It worked out in a really odd way,” says Frederick. Yeah well, don’t think poorly of me for that last one.
The Fancy Lads are what mothers are afraid of when “No one really realizes how influential Genghis Khan “We’re metrosexuals if you will. If I come across a Here’s the deal. THIS CD IS DAMNED CATCHY!!!
their offspring attend their first concert. They are in par- is to modern music,” says Baron. man in a forest and there is no woman around or farm It’s just two girls singing with piano, drums and the
ents’ nightmares and make their kids say, “Awe come After the Fancy Lads controversial and recent split animals of the like I may take it upon myself to take occasional guitar. They are 12 and 14 years old.
on mom, why not? Everybody is going.” with Victory Records they sought to take a different advantage of the situation,” explains Todd. The lyrics are a little juvenile, but gimmie a break they
The band’s origin is disputed among band members approach toward their musical goals. In the end both the band and label felt that they would are 12 and 14. At least they aren’t about Barbie and
Prince Frederick Toothpaste Jones, Baron von Baron “The Fancy Lads have embarked on a musical pro- all be better off if they severed ties. Before the two part- her trip to the pool.
III, and Karate Todd. gression, skewing our sounds to yacht rock of the ed ways the Lads were able to complete a Spring tour By this point you are probably asking, “what the
“Me and Frederick were on one of our many outings nineties. You might remember such artists like Hall & with labelmates Hawthorne Heights. hell?” Well, first of all, these girls are incredible song
to Nilbog, SC. We were coming back and decided to Oates, Christopher Cross, and JImmy Buffet. Light “We played to a pack of 14 to 16 year-old boys. The writers. If they keep with it, they will be a freakin’ glob-
wet our whistles at a local watering hole right outside of rock to soothe the savage beast. I like the Buffett man. funny story is that all the boys came to the Hawthorne al commodity in five years. Also, they have already
Nilbog because there are no bars in Nilbog. Well, it was I almost went on a date with his niece. I was supposed Heights show because they were expecting the girls to toured North America and Europe with Jimmy Eat
a gay strip club. But we were just damned and wanted to go down to the beach with Brian Shealy because show up but none of the girls showed up. Well, Baron World and Mates of State.
to fucking drink,” says Baron Von Von Baron is really good at fake signa- They have also played with bands like Pearl Jam,
Baron III.
According to Baron, that night “I I F COME ACROSS A MAN IN A FOREST AND tures so we did a bunch of fake signa-
tures on Hawthorne Heights posters and
Death Cab for Cutie and Sufjan Stevens. Smoosh was
also nominated for Spin’s 2005 “Band of the Year”.
Karate Todd was working as an THERE IS NO WOMAN AROUND OR FARM ANIMALS we charged the kids BJs,” says Todd. Pretty impressive for a pre-teen and her sister eh?
entertainer and the three found a But just when you think the Fancy If you don’t want to listen to me, take it from Jason
common interest in music. I
OF THE LIKE MAY TAKE IT UPON MYSELF TO Lads have stepped over the line that McGerr, the drummer for Death Cab for Cutie.
According to stories I’ve heard, McGerr was playing
Although Karate Todd quickly dis-
misses this story and denies TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION .” most don’t even want to look at, the vul-
garity continues. drums at a music store in Seattle where he gives les-
sons in his time off when the two girls heard the sound
employment at the club.
“We’ve actually been together
-K ARATE T ODD Led Zeppelin, shark, hotel? Nothing.
“We have a song that we call the and came into the room where he was playing.
since we were all toddlers. We Fancy Lads manthem and it embodies One of the girls began taking lessons from him, and
were raised in the British Isles - not quite sure where Brian’s girlfriend hangs out with her and she was going the spirit of our sonic creations,” says Todd. the other one came with her. Sing-a-longs ensued.
exactly. We never knew our parents. Some people say to fix us up on a date,” says Todd. “With lyrics like: We are the Fancy Lads and we’re on McGerr gave the girls the necessary push in the right
the earth opened up and shit-farted and out we came. According to the Fancy Lads, the dispute with the a mission from God, you can taste me scrote deep in direction and put them in contact with the right people.
The Earth sharted and out we popped. We label came when the band started posting MySpace your throat, keep both hands on me rod, you tend to be Even if you don’t dig it, you need to at least hear
were the speckles of dookie on the oth- bulletins about how the band originally hooked up with pretty polarizing. You’re gonna hate us or love us, kind these girls because they are going to be around for a
erwise white underpants of the world,” the label. As the story goes they met a Victory A&R of like Styx or Europe. Problem is that most people hate long time.
says Todd. member after Todd read a message on a Hardee's us. Although we do like to say that Baron Von Baron
Pushing the limits of originality with- bathroom stall after returning from a gig in Pelion, SC. has a steel back and a soul composed of poets.” -Dewberry Mills

THE ANGRY WHALE no. 1.20 theangrywhale@yahoo.com

16 Grub & Pub citypaper July 19, 2006

GRUB & PUB

CCP provides comprehensive restaurant, bar & coffee shop listings for our readers, tourists and locals
alike. E-mail grub@columbiacitypaper.com if you would like to list your establishment or edit/update its one
line description, but remember: Menus are for restaurant tables (please don’t send a paragraph on your sub
shop, our readers can figure out what you do from the name of your establishment.)

Asian Grills
M Café
Downtown: 1417 Sumter St., 779-5788
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.;
Mon-Sat 5:30-10 p.m.
Miyo’s
Downtown: 922 S. Main St., 779-6496
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Mon-Sat
5-10 p.m.
You can’t go wrong at any of the Miyo’s
establishments
Miyo’s at Columbiana Place
Harbison/Irmo: 1220 E-2 Bower Pkwy.,
781-7788
Mon - Thu 11:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. and 5 to
10 p.m.; Fri - Sat 11:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. and Five Points: 342 Pickens St., 779-0606
5:30 to 10:30 p.m.; Sun 11:30 a.m. - 2:30
p.m. and 5 - 10 p.m.
Miyo’s on Forest
Northeast: 3250 Forest Dr. Suite B, 743-
9996
Sun-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Mon-Thu
5:30-10 pm.; Fri-Sat 5:30-10:30 p.m.; Sun
5-9:30 p.m.
Deli/Sandwich
Andy’s Deli
Five Points: 2005 Greene St., 799-2639
Mon-Sat 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.
Atlanta Bread Company
Downtown: 1307 Main St., 779-0101
Mon–Fri 7 a.m.–7 p.m.; Sat 8 a.m.–2 p.m.
Harbison: 1230 Bower Parkway, B-1, 407-
2003
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sat 8 a.m.-10 p.m.;
Sun 9 a.m.-6 p.m.
Ballentine Family Deli
Harbison/Irmo: 101-A Ministry Dr., 781-4666
Mon-Fri 9 a.m.-3 p.m.; Sat 9 a.m.-2 p.m.
Carolina Café & Catering
Downtown: 945 Sumter St. (corner of
Sumter & Pendleton), 799-6676
Mon.-Fri. 7 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat-Sun 8 a.m.-3
p.m.
DiPrato’s Delicatessen & Market
Mon-Sat 10 a.m.-9 p.m., Sun 10 a.m.-4 p.m.
DL McLaughlin’s
Harbison/Irmo: 10400 Broad River Rd.,
732-4109
Mon-Thu and Sat 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Fri 11
a.m-10 p.m.
Earth Fare
Shandon: 3312-B Devine St., 799-0048
Store hours: Mon-Sat 8 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sun 9 Heavenly Ham
a.m.-8 p.m.
Hot and Cold Bar: Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-8:30
p.m.;
Fri-Sat 8 a.m.-8:30 p.m.; Sun 9 a.m.-8:30
p.m.
Fat Cat Café
Downtown: 1202 Sumter St., 251-3456
Mon-Fri 7:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.
Firehouse Subs
Harbison/Irmo: 7467 St. Andrews Rd.,
407-8521
10:30 a.m.-10 p.m. Mon-Sat; 10:30 a.m.-9
p.m. Sun.
Garden Bistro
The Vista: 923 Gervais St. (parking available
off Park St.), 933-9085
Mon-Fri 8 a.m.-3 p.m.
Downtown: 1320 Main St., 988-8188
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-3 p.m.
Gervais Street Deli
Downtown: 1200 Main St., 779-2222
Mon-Fri 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m.
Groucho’s
Forest Acres: 4717 Forest Dr., 790-0801
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-8:30 p.m., Sun 11 a.m.-3
p.m.
Five Points: 611 Harden St., 799-5708.
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-4 p.m.
Lexington: 117 1/2 East Main St., 356-8800
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-9 p.m.
Forest Acres: 16 Trenholm Plaza, 782-4267
Harbison/Irmo: 1260 Bower Pkwy, 407-7620
Mon-Fri 10 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat 10 a.m.-5 p.m.
Jersey Mike’s
Garners Ferry/Southeast: 4717 Devine St.,
787-0945
Mon-Sat 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-8
p.m.
Jimmy Johns
The Vista: 715 Gervais St., 933-9595
Mon-Sun 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.
Five Points: 2015 Devine St., 806-8282
Mon-Sun 10:30 a.m.-3 a.m.
Linda’s Little Deli
Northeast: 4130 Bethel Church Rd., 787-
4351
Mon–Fri 11 a.m.–3 p.m.; Sat. 11:30
a.m.–2:30 p.m.
McAlister’s Deli
Harbison/Irmo: 300 Columbiana Dr., 781-
4550
Sun-Wed 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.;
Thu-Sat 10:30 a.m.-10:30 p.m.
Northeast: 119 Sparkleberry Ln., 788-7600
Mon-Sun 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.
Lexington: 5175 Sunset Blvd., 951-3332
Mon-Sun 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.
Forest Acres: 4710-A Forest Dr., 790-5995
Mon-Thu 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 10:30
a.m.-10:30 p.m.
Nature’s Deli
Downtown: 1616 Taylor St., 748-9344
Mon-Fri 7 a.m. to 6 p.m.; Sat 8 a.m.-2 p.m. a.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-11 p.m.
Nice-N-Natural
Downtown: 1217 College St., 799-3471
Mon-Fri 10:30 a.m.-3 p.m.
No Name Deli
Downtown: 2042 Marion St., 252-0480
Mon-Fri 10 a.m.-4 p.m.
No Credit Cards
D’s Wings
West Columbia/Cayce: 920 Axtell Dr. WG’s Chicken Wings
(Parkland Plaza), 791-4486 St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 736 St. Andrews
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.- Rd., 772-1489
11 p.m. Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-10 p.m.
Damon’s Clubhouse Wings & Ale
The Vista: 900 Senate St., 758-5880 St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 125-C Outlet
Sun–Thu 11 a.m.–10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.- Pointe Dr., 750-1600
11 p.m. Sun-Thu 11 a.m.-11:30 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11
a.m.-midnight; kitchen closes at 10 p.m.
Dream Wings every night.
Five Points: 2009 Greene St., 779-0006
Mon-Fri 4 p.m.-3 a.m.; Sat 11 a.m.-3 a.m.; American/Southern
Sun noon-midnight
Alley Café
Duke’s Barbecue The Vista: 911 Lady St., 255-0257
West Columbia/Cayce: 2736 Emanuel Wed-Sat 5 p.m.-until (Food 5-10 p.m.)
Church Rd., 356-4488 Rainbow Female Friendly
Fri 11 am-9 p.m.; Sat 11 a.m.-8 p.m.
Birds on a Wire
Green’s BBQ Shandon: 2901 Devine St., 254-2445
North Columbia: 5310 Farrow Rd., 333-0077 Mon-Sat 11:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-3
Tue-Sat noon-until p.m.
Northeast: 4561 Hardscrabble Rd., 788-
Hooters of Columbia 1801
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 1928 Broad
River Rd., 798-5694 California Dreaming
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-midnight; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-1 Downtown: 401 Main St., 254-6767
Sun–Thu 11 a.m.–10 p.m.; Fri–Sat 11
a.m.–11 p.m.
Hudson’s Smokehouse
Lexington: 4952 Sunset Blvd., 356-1070 Carolina’s
Tue-Sat 11 a.m.-7:30 p.m. Downtown: 1615 Gervais St., 771-8711
Breakfast: Mon-Sun 6:30-10:30 a.m.; Lunch:
John D. Hite’s Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m.; Dinner: Mon-Sat
West Columbia/Cayce: 240 Dreher Rd., 5- 10 p.m.
794-4120
Fri-Sat 8 a.m.-7 p.m. The Club House Restaurant

It’s frozen drink time on

The Vista: 936 Gervais St., 799-2739
North Main Deli Little Pigs Mon-Sat 4 p.m.-2 a.m. (Kitchen closes at
North Columbia: 3708-A N. Main St., 929- Northeast: 4927 Alpine Rd., 788-8238 10 p.m.)
0980 Wed 11 a.m.-2 p.m.; Thu-Sat 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Comedy House Theatre

our outside patio

Mon-Fri 10 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat 10 a.m.-5:30 St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 14 Berryhill Rd.,
p.m. Myer’s Barbecue 798-9898
Blythewood: 10324 Wilson Rd., 754-7400 Tue-Thu Doors at 7 p.m., Show at 8:30 p.m.;
Pita Pit Mon-Sat 9 a.m.-9 p.m. Fri-Sat Doors at 6:30 p.m., Shows at 8 and
Five Points: 2002 A Greene St., 799-4557 10:30 p.m.;
Mon-Wed 11 a.m.-3 a.m.; Thu-Sat 11 a.m.-4 Palmetto Pig Sun Doors at 6:30 p.m., Show at 8 p.m.
a.m.; Sun noon-3 a.m. Downtown: 530 Devine St., 733-2556
Tue-Fri 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Finlay’s
Sammi’s Deli Downtown: 1200 Hampton St., 744-6940
Downtown: 919 Sumter St., 256-7763 Piggie Shack BBQ Express Mon-Sun 6:30-11 a.m., 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m.;
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-2 a.m.; Sat 8 a.m.-2 a.m.; North Columbia: 5609 Farrow Rd., 691-4406 Mon-Sat 5-10 p.m.; Sun 5-9 p.m.
Sun 11 a.m.-midnight. Thu-Fri 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sat noon-9 p.m.
Five Points Diner
Souper Spoon Porky D’s Five Points: 800 Harden St., 254-9999
Downtown: 1212 Hampton St., 256-0902 Lexington: 675 Two Notch Rd., 359-5556 Mon-Wed 7 a.m.-2 a.m.; Thu-Sat 7 a.m.-4
Mon-Fri 10:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Thu-Sat 11 a.m.-7 p.m. (or until they run out a.m.
of meat)
Sub Pub Flight Deck
Five Points: 2002-F Greene St., 252-5505 The Publick House Lexington: 109-A Old Chapin Rd., 957-5990
Mon-Wed 11 a.m. -3 a.m.; Thu- Sat 11 a.m. Shandon: 2307 Devine St., 256-2207 Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Fri-Sat: 11 a.m.-8
--4 a.m.; Sun noon-2 a.m. Mon-Sun 4 p.m.-until. p.m.
Sub Station II Shealy’s Bar-B-Que House Fuddruckers
West Columbia/Cayce: 503 Knox Abbott Dr., Leesville: 340 E. Columbia Ave., 532-8135 St. Andrews/Dutch Square:
791-8693 11 a.m.-9 p.m. (closed Wed and Sun), 180 Bush River Rd., 798-9679
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-10 p.m., Sun 12-8 p.m. Carry Out 9 a.m.-9 p.m. Sun-Thu 10:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 10:30
a.m.-11 p.m.
BBQ/Ribs/Wings Sike’s Barbecue
Garners Ferry/Southeast: 11170 Garners Harper’s Restaurant
Big-T Bar-B-Que Ferry Rd., 353-9620 Five Points: 700 Harden St., 252-2222

801 Harden Street

Northeast: 1061 Sparkleberry Ln., 788-4295 Thu-Sat 10 a.m.-9 p.m. Mon-Thu 11:15 a.m.-10 p.m.;
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Fri-Sat 11:15 a.m.-11 p.m.; Sun 10:15 a.m.-
Gadsden: 2520 Congaree Rd., 353-0488 Southern Pig BBQ 10 p.m.

803-771-7363
Wed 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Thu-Sat 11 a.m.- Blythewood: 135-A Blythewood Rd., 348-
midnight 8057 Jerry Kelly’s
Garners Ferry/Southeast: 7535 Garners 11 a.m.-8 p.m. Mon-Thu; 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Shandon: 1332 Rosewood Dr., 799-8747
Ferry Rd., 776-7132 Fri-Sat; 11 a.m.-6 p.m. Sun. Mon-Fri 7- 10 a.m. and 11 a.m.-2 p.m.

The only Daiquiri Bar in Columbia!

Mon-Wed 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Thu-Sat 11 a.m.-
10 p.m. Sticky Fingers Jillian’s
Harbison/Irmo: 380 Columbiana Dr., 781- The Vista: 800 Gervais St., 779-7789
D’s on Beltline 7427 Sun-Wed 11:30 a.m.-midnight;
Forest Acres: 2005 Beltline Blvd., 787-2595 Sun-Thu 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.- Thu 11:30 a.m.-1 a.m.; Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m.-2
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-11 11 p.m. a.m.
p.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Northeast: 7001 Parklane Road 865-7427

GRUB & PUB
John Paul’s Armadillo Oil Co.
Downtown: 1215 Assembly St., 771-9902
Mon-Thu 11:30 a.m.-10 p.m.;
Fri 11:30 a.m.-11 p.m.; Sat. 4-11 p.m.
Keg O’Nails
Shandon: 3008 Rosewood Dr., 252-1992
Sun–Thu 11 a.m.–10 p.m..; Fri-Sat 11
a.m.– 11 p.m.
Mac’s on Main
Downtown: 1710 Main St., 929-0037
Mon-Tue 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5 p.m.-8
p.m.; Wed-Thu 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5 p.m.-
midnight; Fri 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5 p.m.-2
a.m.; Sat 5 p.m.-midnight
MacDougall’s Restaurant & Bar
The Vista: 902-F Gervais St., 779-6400
Mon-Wed 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Thu-Fri 11 a.m.-2
a.m.; Sat 4 p.m.-midnight
MacGregor’s Tavern
Forest Acres: 3157 Forest Dr., 738-9290
Kitchen: Mon-Fri 11 a.m.-11 p.m.; Sat noon- noon-9 p.m.
8 p.m.
Bar: Mon-Fri 11 a.m. –2 a.m.; Sat noon-2
a.m.;
Sun 4 p.m.-midnight
Mallards Restaurant & Lounge
Northeast: 8105 Two Notch Rd., 736-5600
Mon-Sun 6-10 a.m., 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m., 6-10 Five Points: 748 Harden St., 933-9950
p.m.; Lounge open Mon-Sat 4 p.m.-2 a.m.
and Sun 5 p.m.-midnight
(At the Ramada)
Mama Nem’s
St. Andrews/Dutch Square:
559 St. Andrews Rd., 213-9932
Tue-Sat 11 a.m.-8 p.m.; Wed and Sun 11
a.m.-6 p.m.
Nonnah’s
The Vista: 930 Gervais St., 779-9599
Mon-Thu 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m. and 5-11 p.m.;
Fri 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m. and 5 p.m.-12:30 a.m.; Mon 5– 10 p.m.; Tue-Thu 11:45 a.m.-2 p.m. Tue-Thu 5:30-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 5:30-11 p.m.; The food is always fresh. The menu is
Sat 6 p.m.-12:30 a.m.
Nonnahs is Shannon backwards and is a
perfect date place for Lunch, Dinner and
Deserts (whether her name is Shannon or
not).
The Original Pancake House
Forest Acres: 4840 Forest Dr. (Trenholm
Plaza), 782-6742
Mon-Fri 6:30 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sat -Sun 7 a.m.-9 p.m.
p.m.
Roadhouse Grill
Harbison/Irmo: 301 Park Terrace Dr., 407-
1212
Sun-Mon 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-
11 p.m.
Roche Brothers
Forest Acres: 3123 Beltline Blvd., 254-7360 Mon-Thu 5-9:30 p.m.; Fri 5-10 p.m.;
Mon– Fri 11 a.m.–2 p.m. and 5–10 p.m.
Rush’s
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 2640 Broad
River Rd., 772-2393
Northeast: 2500 Decker Blvd., 736-0101
West Columbia: 2332 Sunset Blvd., 796-
2396
Southeast: 7450 Garners Ferry Rd., 783-
5201
Lexington: 201 Columbia Ave., 359-5201
Irmo: 283 Harbison Blvd., 781-1277
Northeast: 10016 Two Notch Rd., 699-1376 Japanese Hibachi
Camden: 2207 West DeKalb St.
Mon-Sun 10 a.m.-midnight
Salty Nut Café
Five Points: 2000-A Greene St., 256-4611
Mon-Sun 11 a.m.–midnight (kitchen); Bar
open 11 a.m.- until.
What-A-Burger
West Columbia/Cayce: 804 Meeting St.,
794-1929
Mon -Sat 10 a.m.-9 p.m.
Willy’s
The Vista: 1200B Lincoln St., 799-3111
Mon-Wed 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Thu-Fri 11 a.m.-
11 p.m. (bar until 2 a.m.); Sat 4-11 p.m.
Yesterday’s Restaurant and Tavern
Five Points: 2030 Devine St., 799-0196
Sun-Thu 11:30 a.m.-midnight; Fri-Sat 11:30
a.m.-1 a.m. (bar open until 2 a.m.)
Zaxby’s
Northeast: 9840 Two Notch Rd., 462-0013
Northeast: 101 Clemson Rd., 419-1599
Harbison/Irmo: 1042 Lake Murray Blvd.,
732-0011
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 650 St. Andrews Mon-Thu 11:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri 11:30 a.m.- Free WiFi and City Paper, located under
Rd., 772-8253
West Columbia/Cayce: 821 Knox Abbott Dr.,
791-5200
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri 11 a.m.-11
p.m.; Sat 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun 11 a.m.-9
p.m.
Japanese/Korean
Blue Cactus Café
Five Points: 2002 Greene St., 929-0782
Tue-Fri 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5-9 p.m.; Sat
Lloyd Reese once told us to take our rack
and “get the fuck out.”
It turns out this kind of passion makes for a 11 p.m.)
phenomenal chef. Too bad we have to send
someone else in for our take out.
Grilled Teriyaki
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 5-10 p.m.;
Fri 11 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. and 5 p.m.-3 a.m.;
Sat 5 p.m.-3 a.m.; Sun 5-9:30 p.m.
Hibachi Restaurant Tama
Northeast: 2318 Decker Blvd., 699-5041
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 4:30-9:30 p.m.; Liberty Taproom & Grill
Fri 11:30 a.m.-3 p.m. and 4:30-10 p.m.; Sat The Vista: 828 Gervais St., 461-4677
11:30 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun 11:30 a.m.-8 p.m.
Inakaya Japanese Restaurant
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 655-C St.
Andrews Rd., 731-2538
and 5-10 p.m.; Fri 11:45 a.m.-2 p.m. and 5-11 Bar opens Tue-Sat at 5 p.m.
p.m.; Sat 5-11 p.m.
Northeast: 224 O’Neil Court, 669-2626
Sushi baby!
Kyodai Japanese Restaurant
Northeast: 9710 Two Notch Rd., 419-0802
Sun-Thu 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m., 5-9:30 p.m.; Fri The Sunday brunch rocks.
11:30 a.m.-2 p.m., 5-10:30 p.m.; Sat 5-10:30
Micato Japanese Restaurant
Northeast: 8909 Two Notch Rd., 788-5358
Mon-Sun 5-10 p.m.
Miyabi Kyoto Japanese Steakhouse and
Sushi Bar
Harbison/Irmo: 100 Columbiana Circle (in
Columbiana Mall), 407-0574
Sat 4-10 p.m.; Sun 12-2 p.m. and 4-9 p.m.
O Bok Korean Restaurant
Northeast: 1616 Decker Blvd., 787-1100
Tue-Thu 11 a.m.-9 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-10
p.m.; Sun 1-9 p.m.
Osaka Inn
Lexington: 5454 Sunset Blvd. Ste. E, 957-
5414
Mon-Sun 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Mon-Fri 5-9:30 Tombo Grille
p.m.; Sat-Sun 5-10:30 p.m.
Saki
4963 Fort Jackson Blvd, 787-5307
Call for hours.
Slammin’ sushi!
Cajun
Doc’s Gumbo Grille
Downtown: 1115 Assembly St., 256-4440
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Wed-Thu 5-10
p.m.; Fri 5-11 p.m.; Sat 6-11 p.m.
Be sure to check out the house band.
Pierre’s II Cajun Turkey Restaurant
Downtown: 2001 Hampton St., 254-5544
Mon-Tue 11 a.m.–7 p.m.; Wed-Fri 11 a.m.-9
p.m.; Sat 12 p.m.-6 p.m.
Bistro/New American
Back Porch on Gervais
Downtown: 1616 Gervais St., 779-4626
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.;
Dinner starts at 5:30 p.m.
Brix Bistro
Lexington: 109 J Old Chapin Rd., 356-9915
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5-10 p.m.;
Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5-11 p.m.;
Sun 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5-9 p.m.
Bull Market Restaurant & Taverna
The Vista: 902-C Gervais St., 343-2855
11 p.m.; Sat 4-11 p.m.
Buster’s Bistro
Forest Acres: 5143-B Forest Dr., 738-8066
Tue-Thu 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 5-10 p.m.;
Fri 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 5-11 p.m.; Sat 5-11
p.m.; Sun 10:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.
Cat & Cleaver Catering Co.
Downtown: 1202 Main St., 255-0950
Lunch: Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. Fri 11
a.m.-2 p.m.; Dinner: Wed-Sat 5-10 p.m.
Gracie’s
Five Points: 711 Harden St., 312-0012
Mon-Wed 5 p.m.-midnight (kitchen until 11
p.m.); Thu-Sat 5 p.m.-2 a.m. (kitchen until
Hampton Street Vineyard
Downtown: 1201 Hampton St., 252-0850
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m. and 6-10 p.m.;
Sat 6-10 p.m.
If I could get a date, I would bring her here.
Icy’s Sports Bistro
Northeast: 10005 Two Notch Rd., 736-5775 Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun Noon-10 p.m.
Tue-Sun 11 a.m.-2 a.m.
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-2 a.m.
Watch out for gold diggers
Mo Mo’s Bistro
Shandon: 2930 Devine St., 252-2700
Motor Supply Co.
The Vista: 920 Gervais St., 256-6687
Tue-Thu 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 6-10 p.m.; Cool Beans!
Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 6-11 p.m.; Downtown: 1217 College St., 779-4277
Sun 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 6-10 p.m.
Mr. Friendly’s
Five Points: 2001-A Greene St., 254-7828
Mon-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; Mon-Thu 5:30
p.m.-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 5:30-10:30 p.m.
Rhino Room
The Vista: 807 Gervais St., 931-0700
Tue-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m.; Mon-Wed 5-11
p.m.;
Fri-Sat 5 p.m.- midnight.
Edisto Salad!
Rust Whiskey Bar and Grill
The Vista: 918 Gervais St., 933-9383
Tue-Sat 5 p.m.-until
The Blue Martini
The Vista: 808 Lady St., 256-2442
Wed 8 p.m.-until; Thu-Fri 5 p.m.- until;
Sat 7 p.m.-until
Forest Acres: 4517 Forest Dr., 782-9665
Mon-Thu 5:30-9:30 p.m.; Fri-Sat 5:30-10:30
p.m. (bar opens at 4:30 p.m.)
Bagel
Carolina Bagel Bakery & Café
Downtown: 925 Sumter St., 799-6676
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat-Sun 8 a.m.-3 p.m.
Manhattan Bagel
Forest Acres: 4840 Forest Dr., 782-7551
Mon-Fri 6 a.m.-4 p.m.; Sat. 7 a.m.-4 p.m.;
Sun 7 a.m.-2 p.m.
Bakery
Chocolate Nirvana
Downtown: 1531 Richland St., 790-4016
9 a.m.-3 p.m.
City Café
Downtown: 1901 Main St., 252-1133
Mon-Fri 8- 9:30 a.m. and 11:30 a.m.-2:15
p.m.
Panera Bread
Garners Ferry/Southeast: 6080 Garners
Ferry Rd., 647-9722
Mon-Sat 6 a.m.-9 p.m.; Sun 7 a.m.-8 p.m.
Rising High
Five Points: 827 Harden St., 254-3113
Mon-Sun 7 a.m.-9 p.m.
Downtown: 1508 Main St., 252-6111
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-5 p.m.; Sat 9 a.m.-5 p.m.;
Sun 11 a.m.-5 p.m.
other papers on our newspaper rack.
Tiffany’s Bakery & Eatery
Northeast: 8502 Two Notch Rd., 736-2253
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat 7 a.m.-3 p.m.
Tiffany’s Café and Bakery
Shandon: 2865 Devine St., 933-0050
Mon 7 a.m.-2 p.m.; Tue-Fri 7 a.m.-6 p.m.;
Sat 7 a.m.-2 p.m.; Sun 9 a.m.-2 p.m.
Holy shit, that’s good French Toast.
Cafe/Coffeehouse
Adriana’s
Five Points: 721 Saluda Ave., 799-7595
Mon-Fri 8 a.m.-midnight; Sat 9 a.m.-
midnight; Sun 10 a.m.-11 p.m. Kitchen: 11
a.m.-10 p.m.
Watch out for Kipp Shives!
Bad Ass Coffee
819 Harden Street 803-251-3185
Café 31
Forest Acres: 4711-27 Forest Dr., 782-0731
Coffee & Ice Cream
Café Strudel
West Columbia/Cayce: 118 State St., 794-
6634
Mon 8:30 a.m.-3 p.m.; Tue-Thu 8:30 a.m.-10
p.m.;
Fri 8:30 a.m.-midnight; Sat 9:30 a.m.-
midnight; Sun 10 a.m.-3 p.m.
diverse and original. Basically, this place is
freaking awesome and you’ll wonder why
there isn’t a line out the door.
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-midnight; Sat-Sun 9 a.m.-
midnight
Courtyard Coffeehouse
West Columbia/Cayce: 116 State St., 791-
5663
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-11 p.m.; Fri-Sat 11 a.m.-
midnight; Sun noon-midnight.
The Gourmet Shop Café
Five Points: 724 Saluda Ave., 799-3705
Mon-Fri 9 a.m.-3:45 p.m.; Sat 9 a.m.-4:45
p.m.;
Sun 10 a.m.-3:45 p.m.
Immaculate Consumption
Downtown: 933 Main St., 799-9053
Mon-Fri 8 a.m.-7 p.m. (lunch 11 a.m.-3:30
p.m.)
Iron Brew Coffee Company, Inc.
Five Points: Corner of Harden and Gervais
streets, 779-0780
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-3 p.m.; Sat 8 a.m.-3 p.m.
Jammin Java
Downtown: 1530 Main St. Suite D, 254-5282 All I ever had here was a $6 glass of Crown
Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-midnight; Sat 9 a.m.- midnight and the leftovers off of a rich friend’s plate
Starbucks
Five Points: 747 Saluda Avenue, 779-1082 Sophia’s Fine Dining
Forest Acres: 4840 Forest Dr., 743-4350
Garners Ferry/Southeast: 6080 Garners
Ferry Rd., 695-0115
Mon-Thu 6 a.m.-10 p.m.; Fri 6 a.m.-11 p.m.;
Sat 7 a.m.-11 p.m.; Sun 7 a.m.-10 p.m.
Village Gourmet
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 1410 Colonial
Life Blvd., 798-6300
Mon-Thu 11 a.m.-4 p.m.; Fri 11 a.m.-6 p.m.
Andrew’s
St. Andrews/Dutch Square: 2100 Bush River
Rd., 731-0300
Breakfast Mon-Sat 6:30-10:30 a.m.; Lunch
Mon-Sun 11 a.m.-2 p.m. ; Dinner Mon-Sun
5-10 p.m.; Brunch Sun 11:30 a.m.- 2:30 p.m.
Elisabeth’s
Northeast: 224 O’Neil Ct., 419-0380
Mon-Sat 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5:30-10 p.m.
Goatfeathers
Five Points: 2017 Devine St., 256-3325
Kitchen: Mon-Sun 6-10 p.m.;
Bar: Mon-Sun 4 p.m.- 2 a.m.
A quiet, dark, sophisticated bar where you
can actually have a conversation and enjoy 4-10 p.m.
a little grub. The only thing stuffy at Goats will If you are going to support the Dark Lord and
be your waitress.
Grub & Pub 17
Hennessy’s
Downtown: 1649 Main St., 799-8280
Mon-Thu 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 6-9:30
p.m.; Fri 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 6-10 p.m.;
Sat 6-10 p.m.
Impress a date, kill a bottle of red, and bring
your Amex card. Upscale.
Que Syrah
Northeast: 108 Columbia NE Dr., Ste. G,
419-8438
Mon-Sat 5-10 p.m.
Restaurant One·Two·Three
Harbison/Irmo: 7001 St. Andrews Rd.,
781-0118
Mon 5:30-9 p.m.; Tue-Fri 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m.;
Tue-Thu 5:30-9 p.m.; Fri-Sat 5:30-10 p.m.
If you live in Irmo, you can afford to have
your parents pick up this tab. Upscale baby.
Saluda’s
Five Points: 751 Saluda Ave., 799-9500
Mon–Thu 5:30–10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 5:30–11 p.m.
(it’s all about priorities).
Northeast: Fortune Square on Two Notch
Rd., 788-3637
Mon-Thu 5-9 p.m., Fri-Sat 5-10 p.m.
Cuban
Rivera’s Hideaway
Lexington: 109-U Old Chapin Rd., 951-2326
Tue-Sat 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and 5 p.m.-until.
Italian
Al’s Upstairs Italian
West Columbia/Cayce: 304 Meeting St.,
794-7404
Mon-Sat 5-10 p.m.
Italian Fine Dining
Carrabba’s
Harbison/Irmo: 370 Columbiana Dr., 407-
1811
Mon-Thu 4-10 p.m.; Fri 4-11 p.m.; Sat 3-11
p.m.;
Sun 11:30 a.m.-10 p.m.
Northeast: 200 Grace’s Way, 865-5688
Mon-Thu 4-10 p.m.; Fri-Sat 4-11 p.m.; Sun
eat at a chain this would be the one to
18 Movies citypaper July 19, 2006

Movie Times Effective Fri, July 21. Please

call theater to confirm.

Deric Spoils The Movie Regal Columbia Cinema 7

3400 Forest Drive Suite 3000,
Click PG-13, : (12:45)
803-772-7469
Doogal G: 1:00
Ice Age: The Meltdown
11:55am I 2:15 I 4:40 I 7:20 I 9:40
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead
Man’s Chest (PG-13)
Monster House Rated PG,1:30, 3:20, 5:10, 7:10, 12:00 I 12:30 I 3:30 I 4:00 I 6:45 I
Rated PG, 1 hr 31 min (9:50am), 9:10 7:15 I 9:55 I 10:20
Deric Spoils The Movie Also Playing This Week: (11:45am), (12:15), (2:10), (2:40), Mission: Impossible III Superman Returns (PG-13)
By Deric Kempsell (4:35), (5:05), 7:00, 7:30, 9:25, 9:55 Rated PG-13, 2 hr 6 min 12:35 I 3:45 I 6:55 I 10:10
Cars √ My Super Ex-Girlfriend 1:40, 4:15, 7:00, 9:25 Click (PG-13)
Synopsis: A rookie racecar discovers life is Rated PG-13, 1 hr 35 min Poseidon Rated PG-13, 1 hr 38 12:15 I 2:25 I 4:55 I 7:10 I 9:30
about the journey, not the finish. Showtimes: (10:05am), (12:20), min 3:15, 5:15, 7:30, 9:30 Waist Deep (R)
Verdict: There’s a reason this is still in (2:30), (4:55), 7:40, 10:00 RV Rated PG, 1 hr 38 min 12:10 I 2:30 I 5:10 I 7:30 I 10:05
theaters; it’s GOOD. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead 3:00, 5:00, 7:05, 9:00 The SpongeBob SquarePants
Man’s Chest Robots PG 1:00 Movie (PG) 10:00am
Click √ Rated PG-13, 2 hr 31 min Scary Movie 4 PG-13 4:45, 9:20 Dr. Dolittle 2 10:00am
Showtimes: (10:00am), (12:30), Wild, The Rated G, :1:05, 2:45,
Synopsis: Adam Sandler receives a (1:00), (4:00), (4:30), 7:20, 8:00, 7:20 Regal Sandhill Stadium 16
universal remote...for the universe! 10:30 450 Town Center Place
Verdict: This is one remote your girlfriend Superman Returns The Big Mo DRIVE-IN 803-736-1811
won’t fight with you over. Rated PG-13, 2 hr 34 min Hw1 past Lexigton/6mi past Cars Rated G, (1:10), (4:00), 6:50,
Showtimes: (4:05), 7:10, 10:20 Batesburg 803-685-7949 9:35
The Devil Wears Prada √ You, Me and Dupree Gates open 7pm/show starts at Clerks II
A Scanner Darkly (2006) Synopsis: Anne Hathaway tries to cut it in Rated PG-13, 1 hr 48 min 9pm Get there early! Dbl features: Rated R, (12:50), (3:10), (5:30),
New York’s Fashion industry. Showtimes: (9:55am), (12:05), Screen 1 7:50, 10:15
Dazed and Confused meets Fear and Verdict: Ms. Hathaway, you are doomed to (2:25), (4:50), 7:15, 10:10 Monster House PG & Click PG13 Click PG-13 (11:15am), (2:00),
Loathing in Las Vegas Disney movies…forever! Hahaha! Screen 2 (4:35), 7:05, 9:45
Carmike Wynnsong 10 Cars (G) & Pirates of The Carib- Devil Wears Prada, The
A Scanner Darkly represents the most The Fast and The Furious 3: Tokyo Drift √ 5320 Forest Drive 803-782-8100 bean:DMC (PG13) Rated PG-13, 1 hr 46 min
recent adaptation of works by the late Philip Synopsis: High Stakes racing set in Tokyo’s Clerks IINEW (R) Showtimes: (11:45am), (2:30),
K. Dick for the big screen (previous examples underground. 12:15 I 2:25 I 4:40 I 7:00 I 9:30 Carmike 14 (5:05), 7:35, 10:05
include Total Recall, Blade Runner, and Minority Verdict: Call me lame, but I saw it twice… Lady in the WaterNEW (PG-13) Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Lady in the Water PG-13
Report). Utilizing an animation technique known 12:00 I 2:30 I 5:00 I 7:30 I 10:00 Man’s Chest (PG-13) 11:30am I (11:00am), (11:30am), (1:45), (2:15),
as “interpolated rotoscoping,” the viewer is taken Little ManNEW (PG-13) 12:00 I 12:30 I 1:45 I 2:40 I 3:10 I (4:30), (5:00), 7:15, 7:45, 10:00,
on a trip seven years into the future, albeit it a trip The Lake House X 12:30 I 2:50 I 5:10 I 7:30 I 9:55 3:40 I 5:00 5:50 I 6:20 I 7:00 I 8:15 10:30
more of the psychedelic drug-induced variety. Synopsis: A love story that transcends time, The Devil Wears Prada (PG-13) I 9:00 I 9:30 I 10:10 Little Man
Bob Arctor (Keanu Reeves) is an and the mystery behind it. 1:30 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:40 The Devil Wears Prada (PG-13) PG-13 (12:00), (1:00), (2:20),
undercover narcotics officer who moonlights Verdict: There is a perfectly good Keanu The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo 1:00 I 1:30 I 4:15 I 4:45 I 7:00 I 7:45 (3:20), (4:40), (5:40), 7:30, 8:00,
as a low-level user and pusher of a new drug Reeves movie reviewed above…see it instead! Drift (PG-13) I 9:20 I 10:00 9:50, 10:20
known as “Substance D” that has 20 percent 1:45 I 4:15 I 7:10 I 9:35 Superman Returns (PG-13) Monster House
of the population of Orange County, California Little Man X Nacho Libre (PG) 12:00 I 12:30 I 1:00 I 1:30 I 4:00 I Rated PG, (11:40am), (12:10),
addicted. With continued use, Substance D Synopsis: A tiny criminal poses as a child to 1:20 I 4:10 I 7:30 I 9:50 4:30 I 5:00 I 5:30 (2:10), (2:40), (4:40), (5:10), 7:10,
causes miscommunication between the right and recover his stolen goods. Cars (G) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 9:40 7:30 I 8:15 I 9:00 I 9:30 7:40, 9:40, 10:10 My Super
left sides of the brain resulting in hallucinations, Verdict: I know a girl that will hit you with a A Prairie Home Companion (PG- Click (PG-13) 1:55 I 4:45 I 7:30 I Ex-Girlfriend
cognitive impairment, and psychotic episodes. beer bottle if you go see this movie, or even if you 13) 1:30 I 4:20 I 7:15 I 9:30 9:55 PG-13,(11:20am), (2:10), (4:45),
There exists a single rehabilitation effort against don’t go see it! X-Men: The Last Stand (PG-13) Waist Deep (R) 1:10 I 4:30 I 7:15 7:20, 9:50
the growing addiction known as “New Path” 1:15 I 4:30 I 7:30 I 10:00 I 10:00 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead
which is embraced by many as the only hope Monster House √ The Da Vinci Code (PG-13) The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Man’s Chest
for society’s salvation from the growing drug Synopsis: Three children join forces to stop 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 10:00 Drift (PG-13) 1:30 I 7:15 Rated PG-13, (12:15), (12:45),
menace. As he and his roommates (played by The Lake House (PG) (3:45), (4:15), 7:00, 7:30, 10:15,
a neighbor’s house once they realize it’s alive.
Robert Downey Jr. and Woody Harrelson) sink Nickelodeon Theatre 1:15 I 4:00 I 7:10 I 9:40 10:45
further into their addictions they slowly lose Verdict: CGI film of the week! (Yes, there 937 Main Street, Columbia, SC The Omen (R) Superman Returns
their grip on reality and Arctor develops a split are a lot of them.) 803-254-3433 4:00 I 9:45 PG-13, (12:25), (3:40), 6:55, 10:10
personality unable to combine his knowledge WATER You, Me and Dupree
of his work life and private life. Assigned by his Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest √ JULY 18-20 7pm & 9:15pm Columbiana Grande Cinemas PG-13, (11:50am), (12:20), (2:20),
supervisor to scan and survey his own house Synopsis: Captain Jack Sparrow discovers (3:00 matinee Wednesday) 1250 Bower Parkway (2:50), (4:50), (5:20), 7:25, 7:55,
and roommates looking for a sign of a higher he owes a blood debt to the legendary Davey WORDPLAY (803)407-9898 9:55, 10:25
connection on the drug ladder, Arctor falls into Jones. JULY 21-27 7pm & 9PM An Inconvenient Truth
despair as his “girlfriend” Donna (Winona Ryder) Verdict: THE most infuriating cliffhanger (3:00 matinee Saturday, Sunday, Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min (11:30am), Pastime Pavilion Cinema 8
continually refuses his sexual advances. One ending. Wednesday) (2:00), (4:20), 7:05, 9:30 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington,
of his roommates is revealed to be a link much IN SEARCH OF GLORY Break-Up, The SC, 29072 803-951-3604
higher up the drug chain, but as the revelation Superman Returns √ JULY 21 - 27 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 46 min Cars Rated G, (1:10), (4:00), 6:50,
comes Arctor has already succumbed to his Synopsis: The Man of Steel returns to Earth Special showtimes: (12:15), (2:45), (5:05), 7:45, 10:15 9:35
addiction and is subsequently sent to New Path following a mysterious absence. Friday, Monday, Tuesday and Cars Rated G, 1 hr 57 min Clerks II Rated R, (12:50), (3:10),
for treatment. Verdict: Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird, it’s a Thursday @ 3 p.m. Saturday, Sun- (11:40am), (12:30), (2:30), (3:55), (5:30), 7:50, 10:15
plane…it’s way better than X-Men! day, Wednesday @ 1 p.m. (5:10), 6:50, 7:50, 9:35 PG-13, (11:15am), (2:00), (4:35),
And now by popular request, may I present: Da Vinci Code, The 7:05, 9:45
Spoiler Alert!!! AMC Dutch Square 14 Rated PG-13, 2 hr 29 min Devil Wears Prada, The
Waist Deep X 800 Bush River Road, 750-3576 (1:30), (4:50), 8:10 PG-13(11:45am), (2:30), (5:05),
It is revealed Donna is also an undercover Synopsis: Tyrese takes on the L.A. Cars Rated G, 1 hr 57 min Doogal G(10:00am) 7:35, 10:05
officer and that the police have knowingly underworld to rescue his kidnapped son. 11:15am, 1:50, 4:40, 7:30, 10:10 Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties Lady in the Water (starts Fri)
addicted Arctor to Substance D as to submit Verdict: Come on…the people responsible Clerks II Rated R, 10:45am, 1:00, Rated PG, 1 hr 20 min (12:55), PG-13
him to New Path treatment and allow him to for Glitter made this movie. 3:10, 5:30, 7:50, 10:10 (2:50), (5:00), 7:10, 9:15 (11:00am), (11:30am), (1:45),
investigate the rehab facilities—should his mind Click Rated PG-13, 11:20am, Little Man PG-13, 1 hr 30 min (2:15), (4:30), (5:00), 7:15, 7:45,
survive. In a twist reminiscent of “Soylent Green X-Men: The Last Stand X 1:45, 4:50, 7:15, 9:50 Devil Wears (12:20), (1:00), (2:40), (3:20), (5:00), 10:00, 10:30
is PEOPLE!” it is discovered that New Path itself Synopsis: A cure for mutancy sparks an Prada, The (5:40), 7:20, 8:00, 9:40, 10:30 Little Man
is the cultivator of Substance D and is using brain epic battle. Rated PG-13, 11:10am, 1:40, Nacho Libre Rated PG-13,(12:00), (1:00), (2:20),
dead addicts to cultivate its deadly crop. Verdict: I shed a tear when I think of how 4:20, 7:10, 9:45 Rated PG, (12:40), (3:00), (5:20), (3:20), (4:40), (5:40), 7:30, 8:00,
While many will find A Scanner Darkly utterly good this movie could have been… Lady in the Water Rated PG-13, 7:35, 10:00 9:50, 10:20
confusing, with a little help from the old noggin, 11:45am, 2:15, 5:00, 7:45, 10:30 Over the Hedge PG, (11:15am), Monster House
answers will materialize for the conscientious You, Me and Dupree X Little Man Rated PG-13, 11:40am, (1:20), (4:15), 6:45, 9:00 Rated PG, (11:40am), (12:10),
observer. It is important to realize that the novel Synopsis: Down on his luck Dupree 1:15, 2:00, 3:40, 4:30, 6:15, 7:05, Prairie Home Companion, A PG- (2:10), (2:40), (4:40), (5:10), 7:10,
the film is based on was the product of countless overstays his welcome at a buddy’s house. 8:45, 9:30 13, (11:50am), (2:35), (4:55), 7:30, 7:40, 9:40, 10:10
amphetamine and psychotropic binges by the Monster House PG,11:00am, 1:10, 9:55 My Super Ex-Girlfriend (starts fri)
Verdict: Owen Wilson without Vince Vaughn
Philip K. Dick and is in turn dedicated to all his 3:30, 5:40, 8:00, 10:15 X-Men: The Last Stand Rated PG-13, 1 hr 35 min
friends who either died or suffered greatly from or Ben Stiller? NEXT! My Super Ex-Girlfriend PG-13, Rated PG-13, 1 hr 44 min Showtimes: (11:20am), (2:10),
their chronic drug use. There exists a relative 10:40am, 12:50, 3:00, 5:20, 7:35, : (11:20am), (1:50), (4:25), 6:55, (4:45), 7:20, 9:50
ambiguity to the film as seen in Total Recall that Classic Movie Spoiler: Blade Runner (1982): 9:50 9:25 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead
questions our own perception of the film itself. In Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead You, Me and Dupree Man’s Chest PG-13, (12:15),
the word’s of Recall’s Hauser: “Get your ass to Synopsis: Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford) is Man’s Chest PG-13,11:30am, Rated PG-13, 1 hr 48 min (12:45), (3:45), (4:15), 7:00, 7:30,
Mars”…or in this case the nearest digital cinema a bounty hunter in future-set Los Angeles who 12:00, 12:45, 2:45, 3:15, 4:10, (11:00am), (12:45), (1:40), (4:00), 10:15, 10:45
to delve into a bizarre twisted futurescape that has been charged with tracking and eliminating 6:15, 6:45, 7:20, 9:30, 10:00, 10:30 (4:40), 7:00, 7:40, 9:50, 10:20 Superman Returns
won’t disappoint, so long as you are willing to dangerous “replicant” androids that have Superman Returns PG-13, PG-13, (12:25), (3:40), 6:55, 10:10
think a little. escaped from outer space colonies. 11:50am, 3:45, 7:00, 10:20 Columbia Place 8 You, Me and Dupree
A Scanner Darkly (2006) starring Keanu You, Me and Dupree PG-13, 7201/802 Two Notch, Rated PG-13, 1 hr 48 min
Reeves, Winona Ryder, Robert Downey Jr., and Spoiler: Deckard is an android himself! (Or 10:50am, 1:30, 4:15, 7:00, 9:40 Little ManNEW (PG-13) 11:45am Showtimes: (11:50am), (12:20),
Woody Harrelson is directed by Richard Linklater is he?) I 12:20 I 2:05 I 2:40 I 4:25 I 5:00 I (2:20), (2:50), (4:50), (5:20), 7:25,
and rated R for drug and sexual content, language St. Andrews Cinema 5 7:00 I 7:25 9:20 I 9:50 7:55, 9:55, 10:25
and a brief violent image. 527 St Andrews Road You, Me and DupreeNEW (PG-13)
19 Horoscopes citypaper July 19, 2006

HOROSCOPES by Governor Mark Sanford*

*Gov, Sanford doesn’t actually write these horoscopes.
We just think he is a man of vision.

shape of the Blessed Virgin.

Gemini
Well, right there’s your problem, Gemini. You’ve got
hydraulic star fluid re-calibrating your luck rod when
Pluto’s in the 6th House. But, I can’t get Ronnie on it
till next week, we’re covered up. Unless you pay extra
labor
Scorpio
In the coming weeks, your life will come to resemble
a bad Gregory Hines movie. But, the dancing will be
much, much worse.

Aries
You will be traumatized when answering a classified
ad in person (and will also unwittingly expand your
sexual horizons by learning that the phrase “Tranny
for Sale” doesn’t always refer to a motorcycle
transmission).
Taurus
There’s an old maritime proverb that states: “There’s
no such thing as a favorable wind for a man who has
no idea where he’s going.” There’s also no such thing
as a favorable wind for a man who’s just eaten a Super
Burrito.
Cancer
You will solve the global warming crisis by developing
an alternative fuel source out of telemarketers, thus
killing two birds with one stone and subsequently
earning you the Nobel Prize for Chemistry.
Leo
“After testing 11 other potential men, when it comes
to six-month-old Shauna, Leo ...You are the father.”
OOOHHHHH! MAURY! MAURY! “Now what, punk?!
That’s yo baby! Now what?! Now what?! How you like
me now?! You and your crazy momma both better be
getting’ jobs! Yeeah! You gonna pay up! You gonna
pay up!”
Virgo
Naked, you resemble a mudslide... only hairier. And,
I’m sure the other 2,000 people at that particular
Widespread show will back me on that.
Libra
You will awaken to a legion of eager pilgrims at your
door mere hours after your roommate posts a photo
of you passed out with a chili stain on your shirt in the
Sagittarius
You will be greatly unnerved by the shortage of bras
and the prevalence of chilly air conditioning in the rec
room of your Grandmother’s retirement home.
Capricorn
Your nude girlfriend will serve you breakfast in bed.
But you will suspect ulterior motives afterwards when
she folds her arms over her flapjacks, withholds her
cocoa puff, and questions you about your cell phone
call log, while hovering a scalding hot cup of coffee
above your fruity pebbles.
Aquarius
Speaking of breakfast: This week, Aquarius, reverse
the order in which you pour your bran flakes to find
the optimum milk-to-cereal ratio and, therefore, a
more satisfying bowl.
Pisces
Your exaggerated lisp will cause you to be smacked
by a cute coworker when you joke that one day you
will remember her “in a song.”

“Middle America”
JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS --bridging the gap between left and right.
52 “I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy 31 Have the title to
by Matt Jones day” song 32 Reason Fluffy needs a bath
53 Despise the hell out of 33 “My good man...”
Across 54 Diamondbacks’ org. 34 Planet in a sitcom
1 When doubled, American Samoa 55 Address bar entry, quickly 35 Negative vote
city 56 “The Simpsons” answer to the 37 Recently
5 Green day, for short Barbie Doll 40 “Swans Reflecting Elephants”
11 “Looney Tunes” spinner, famil- 59 Astrological fire sign painter
iarly 60 Engraving expert 41 Defenseless
14 Country singer Jackson 61 Purple perennial 42 Influential 1957 jazz album
15 Like Springer guests, typically 62 Prefix for skeleton “___ Ahead”
16 Sighting subject 63 Sexual craving 43 Dog at the end of “Family
17 It’s often used in Inuit clothing 64 Sex ed topic Ties”
19 “Viva La Bam” uncle ___ Vito 45 Tense time?
20 ___ Girl (YouTube hoax of an Down 46 Glass brand introduced by
extremely sad videoblogger) 1 Joshua Jackson, on “Dawson’s Corning in 1924
21 Trap stuff Creek” 47 Home out in the cold
22 “___ of the North” (famed 1922 2 Thrifty rival 48 Fencing sword
documentary) 3 Loup-___ (werewolf) 49 Word after book or street
24 Heckler’s remark 4 Ending for pepper 50 Spanish national hero who
26 Not completely 5 Unfeeling sorts fought the Moors
27 Ques. counterpart 6 Jack location 51 Vast pit
28 Game where it’s not cool to call 7 History 52 Drug smuggler
some pieces “horses” 8 Pop the question 53 “___ Puffy AmiYumi” (Cartoon
29 Take a kid, legally 9 Reedy quality Network show)
32 What immunizations may pre- 10 Part of a thought process 57 Famed Steelers lineman
pare for 11 Style of English architecture Greenwood et al.
36 Spread seed 12 Underway 58 “Agreed,” poshly
37 “Zut ___!” 13 ___ out (go to sleep) ©2006 Jonesin’
38 Fund that accumulates tax-free 18 Big joint Crosswords(editor@jonesincross-
39 Shaivism or Shaktism 23 Discovery launchers words.com)
42 Like swamp water 25 What tree climbers may have to For answers to this puzzle, call:
44 “Under ___, whose antique root wash off 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per
peeps out...” (“As You Like It”) 26 “___ myself today...” (NIN/John- minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to
45 Teensy lie ny Cash lyric) your credit card, call: 1-800-655-
46 Rice dishes 28 It may be watched at work 6548. Reference puzzle #0266.
48 SE Asian body of water not 29 Volcano vomit
named for a guy on “Star Trek” 30 “Who ___ remind you of?”
20 citypaper July 19, 2006
By Corey Hutchins cooter cat, mmm, gotta…mmm,” in Columbia? hand on the carburetor, and when

Bum Of The Week “I smoke crack.”

he said.
When asked where to locate any
That’s what a man told City crack nearby, Willy said he didn’t
BUM: Goin’ on about nine years
now.
CCP: What’s the worst thing
you get it, take it and…Ooooh,
Lord!
CCP: Let me ask you some-
Paper reporters shortly after mid- know. you’ve seen out here? thing…this is going to sound weird,
night on the muggy night of July 13 “I don’t smoke crack,” he said. “No BUM: Motherf#!kers be break- but if I wanted to get some crack…
in Five Points. more,” apparently forgetting his ing into cars and shit. where would I go?
“I’m trying to get high,” the earlier statement made only eight CCP: Who is our country at war BUM: I don’t know around here,
62-year-old man said as he scur- minutes and two seconds before. with right now? man. I don’t know. Don’t know
ried down the sidewalk giving The following is a transcribed inter- BUM: Vietnam. around here.
nervous sideways glances at the view with City Paper’s Bum of the CCP: How do you feel about il- CCP: When was the last time
flashing blue lights of three police Week: legal immigration? you had sex with a woman?
cruisers. CCP: Hey, what are you up to? BUM: This president now, he BUM: Last night.
Scraggly bearded, rail-thin BUM: Trying to get high! messin’ up somethin’. He messin’ CCP: Where’d you meet her?
and balding, with milky, bugged- CCP: What are you getting high up somethin’ now. BUM: Right over there, in front
out eyes, the man calling himself on? CCP: And who is the president? of the waterfall over there.
Willy said he believed the current BUM: I smoke crack. BUM: I don’t know, what is it, CCP: The waterfront?
U.S. president was Henry Ford and CCP: You smoke crack? Ford… or whatever it is. BUM: The waterfall right there!
BUM: Sixty-two CCP: Fair enough. You know where the water shoot
years… yeah I smoke BUM: See, you’re a young man. up in the air.

WILLY’S STATS
crack!
CCP: Who is the pres-
ident of the United
Age: 62 States right now?
Name: Willy BUM: Ford.
Where Loitering: CCP: Ford?
Post Office at Five Points BUM: Henry Ford.
CCP: What are you
Time & Date: 12:05 a.m., July 13 doing right now?
QuotE: “I Smoke Crack.” BUM: I’m fit to go
Drug of choice: The home right now.
Cricketty Crackety CCP: But earlier you
said you were going
*These are real people and real events, to smoke crack.
now on the public record. BUM: No…no…I
been tellin’ lies, I been
thought our country was still at war tellin’ lies.
with Vietnam. CCP: Where were you going to go
Using a 24-ounce Schlitz smoke crack?
Malt Liquor can, Willy later demon- BUM: I don’t…no I don’t
strated how to smoke crack with- smoke.
out using a pipe. When asked if he CCP: You don’t smoke it?
ever participated in prostitution he BUM: No.
said the most he’d ever paid for CCP: Do you shoot it?
sex was $20. BUM: No. I don’t do drugs…
“I’m looking for me a lady,” he BUM: I’m lookin’ for me a lady!
said, before mentioning the previ- CCP: A lady?
ous night he’d met a woman by BUM: Don’t let no woman go
the Five Points fountain and had to your house and stay with you.
sexual relations with her. You gets your little nut off, then you
“Dat cooter cat. When you suckin’ just…you go about your business.
one of them titties and eaten that CCP: How long have you been
I done been there and been done
that.
(At this point Willy goes into a song
and dance. While the lyrics are in-
comprehensible beyond belief, the
dance moves are…well, similar).
CCP: Let me ask you a ques-
tion, do you have a stem on you
right now? I’m not a police officer.
BUM: No, no, no, no, if I had a
stem I’d give it to you. I ain’t got no
stem.
CCP: I don’t want it; I just want
to see it because I’ve never seen
one before.
BUM: No, no, no I aint got no
stem.
CCP: What do you use?
BUM: You can…
(Willy looks around and sees an un-
opened can of Schlitz Malt Liquor
near the sidewalk and picks it up.
He turns the can on its side with
the bottom of it pointing toward his
chest. Using his thumbs, he looks
as though he’s about to press both
of them into the middle of the can).
BUM: You bend this here… get you
a pin. Put your carburetor right over
there. Get you some ash, here. Like
you light a cigarette…some ash
there. Ooooh, Lord. And put your
CCP: Oh, the fountain. You met
her by the fountain. Did you have
to pay for it?
BUM: I had to buy it? Yes,
yeah…if you buy a lady a couple
beers you pay for it.
CCP: What was the best part?
BUM: Dat cooter cat, when
you suckin’ one of them titties and
eaten that cooter cat, mmm, got-
ta…mmm
CCP: Have you ever paid for
sex?
BUM: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CCP: What’s the most you’ve
ever paid for it?
BUM: Most I ever paid for sex?
Um, $20.
CCP: What’s the most you’ve
ever paid for crack?
BUM: No, I don’t smoke crack.
CCP: You told me you were
looking for crack, look, I don’t
care…you said…
BUM: No, I…I don’t smoke
crack. No more.
CCP: Anymore!
BUM: Yep.
CCP: All right, Willy. Have a
good one.
Listen to the interview with Willy at
www.columbiacitypaper.com

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Cartoons citypaper July 19, 2006 21

Ted Rall

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22 Advice citypaper July 19, 2006

In-town Properties
2144 Wallace Street….Located in historic Cottontown. Perfect for investor…Pre-
listing opportunity…1600+ sqft bungalow...3b/1b, corner lot, hardwoods, sunroom,
Savage Love
new windows, exterior recently painted. Priced for investor @ $160,000.

4404 North Main Street…Great commercial opportunity, duplex located in the heart
of Eau Claire, multiple uses high traffic area. Within planned N. Main renovation
project.... Property needs major renovations. Priced for investor @ $85,000.

1303 Florence Street…Classic Earlewood Bungalow, completely renovated,

hardwoods throughout, archways, smooth ceilings, granite countertops, site built
cabinets, updated electric, HVAC, and plumbing. 2200 +- sqft….All new kitchen and
baths...View of Earlewood Park from front door...$222,900.

6905 Cleaton Road / Point Arcadia condo- 1650+ sqft well maintained and move in
ready!! Large 2bed/2½ bath conveniently located to Fort Jackson, 1-77, and 1-20.
Community has pool, clubhouse, and common lake with dock for fishing. $93,000. BY DAN SAVAGE
105 Promentory Court…New construction in developing, upscale, “intown” Wood-
hill Crest subdivision...Great open floorplan in cul-de-sac...4b/5b...ready in mid- 1929 Marion I am a 21-year-old male in a two-year relationship
with a 20-year-old girl. The first year we dated we
July...$599,000. Street were living in the same city, but now we live an hour
Call Chris Barczak Broker for a showing 803-513-5511 apart. My girlfriend comes up to visit me almost every
weekend, and I visit her every once in a while. Up until
or additional details. 513-5511 three or four months ago we had a very healthy sex
life. Now we barely have sex. She claims that it’s not
In the House RealtyThespecializes in Syndication
New York Times representing clients
Sales Corporation
that she doesn’t want me, but every time I come on
609 Greenwich
seeking or selling property in theStreet,
highNew York, N.Y.down-
demand, 10014
to her she declines. She says stuff like, “We will do it
For Information Call: 1-800-972-3550
town market. tomorrow morning/tonight/when we get back from the
For Release Monday, July 10, 2006 store,” but when the time comes she has no interest.
I don’t know if she’s just no longer sexually
interested in me or what. I know that she loves me,
and she tells me she thinks I’m very attractive. We
used to have sex a couple of times a day. Now I’m
Edited by Will Shortz No. 0529 lucky if I get it once or twice a month. I love her very
much, but I can feel it already coming between us.
ACROSS 35 Place for an 66 Extend the due 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
1 Soccer scores F.D.R. chat date of
13 14 15 Hopeless And Konfused
6 Not go to 36 Smell
Crow s call 37 ___ Michaels of DOWN
10
“S.N.L.”
16 17 18 She isn’t into you anymore, she’s seeing someone
1 “Oh, fer ___ else, or she isn’t into you anymore and she’s seeing
13 “Kate & ___” of
1980 s TV 39 Les États-___ sake!” 19 20 21
someone else. So why doesn’t she dump you?
40 Lamp fuel 2 Kind of acid
14 Opera set on 22 23 24 Because she’s trying to let you down easy, HAK. Your
the banks of the 42 Dead tired 3 To whom a girlfriend, being young and stupid, doesn’t realize
Nile 43 Conversation Muslim prays 25 26 27 28 29 30
that a long, drawn-out period of constant, low-level
15 Pepsi, but not filler #3 4 City NNE of
Paris 31 32 33 34 35
rejection only makes the ultimate, unavoidable pain of
7-Up 46 “Obviously!” total rejection worse.
16 Conversation 47 Lines on 5 The Caribbean,
e.g.
36 37 38 39 It’s a mistake that a lot of people make when they’re
filler #1 weather maps young, HAK: We worry that the boyfriend or girlfriend
52 Geek 6 Gives the green 40 41 42
18 Tends a garden we want to be rid of will be devastated when we
light
19 Rotary 55 Not just one of leave, so we string ‘em along, making ourselves (and
the two 7 New Zealand 43 44 45
telephone part bird our bodies) less available to them, in a futile attempt
20 Sale tag words 57 Basic util. 46 47 48 49 50 51 to gradually wean them from our irreplaceable selves.
8 Mrs. William
21 Cowboy s 58 Frees (of) McKinley and When we finally do get around to dumping them, the
52 53 54 55 56 57
workplace 59 Conversation others hurt of being broken up with is compounded by the
22 Lively, playful filler #4 9 Salary 58 59 60 humiliation of having been made a fool of.
musical piece 61 Meter or liter 10 Masked critter In other words, HAK, it’s over. Your girlfriend
24 Rank above 62 Shoe bottom 11 Actor Baldwin
61 62 63 doesn’t have the decency to end it honestly, but you
maj. 63 Ouzo flavoring 12 Laundry 64 65 66
can have the self-respect to end it yourself.
25 Conversation 64 Understand 15 Attributes (to)
filler #2 65 Gorbachev was 17 “The Producers”
Puzzle by Alex Boisvert I’m an 18-year-old female. My version of senioritis
31 An arm and a its last leader: extra 34 Most 45 Worker safety 51 Fastener that s took a psychotic turn and I was hospitalized. After. A.
leg Abbr. 21 Womanizer encompassing grp. twisted in Pitiful. Suicide. Attempt. Now I am pleased to be alive.
23 “Treasure 37 Lustful one, 52 Pharmaceutical However, my problem lies in the ever-challenging
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE 48 Designer world of teenage boys. Having formerly been the most
Island” inits. informally 53 Merlot, for one
Geoffrey prudish of virgins—I’ve. Never. Been. Touched.—I now
J O S H E D J E R O B O A M 24 Very center 38 Yoko, the “fifth 54 Revise
A P P E A R I S A B E L L A 26 Violinist Beatle” 49 ___ Ailey 55 Warner ___ realize that life is short. I want to get fucked, sir. I’m
C E L E R Y M O B I L I T Y Zimbalist 41 Treat rudely American 56 Big-eyed birds
attractive, but the boys I know have concluded that
K R I L L Z E T A S V A N 27 Yang s 42 ___-cone
Dance Theater I am crazy because of my recent history. What. The.
59 Sch. in
F E N S T E N E T M I R O counterpart Stillwater
Fuck. Do. I. Do?
44 One or the 50 Witherspoon of
I T T R Y D E R Y E A S T 28 Full complement other “Walk the Line” 60 Sailor
S T E
P U P Z I
P P Y of baseball “Crazied” Unfairly, Now Traumatized
H A R
R I E D C
U R E A L L players
I N B O X P E R D U E 29 Valhalla chief For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a Go. To. College. Far. From. Home. Meet. Some.
credit card, 1-800-814-5554. New. Boys.
P O E M S V E E P S R C A 30 Pacific states,
Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday
U R S A G E R R Y P E R P with “the” crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS.
N I P C O C O A M O N E Y 31 Trickster in mail@savagelove.net
Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000
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Post Local citypaper July 19, 2006 23

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803-446-3458 This is a com-
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Employment
lynn madden century 21 @
318-5176
approx.1650 sq. ft. building on
main strip in gaston. used to
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business in front seller is very
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century 21 @ 318-5176
2400 sq. ft. approx. 4b/2b
fenced garage can be home
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den century 21 @318-5176
3b/2b home for sale in gilbert
on 1.75 acres. doll house style
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lynn madden century 21 @318-
5176
throughout, archways, smooth
ceilings, granite countertops,
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electric, HVAC, and plumb-
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kitchen and baths...View of
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513-5511
105 Promentory Court…New
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ready in mid- July...$599,000.
513-5511
Christian Band looking for
Exp. and/or musical ablities
a plus. call Frank @ 843-337-
5384.
DRUMMER, BASS PLAYER
& Lead Guitar Player look-
ing for Rhythm guitarist to
complete Beatles/ 60s & 70s
psychedelic rock cover band.
Call Bobby 803-553-9022.
GUITARIST AND BASS needed
for recording project. have
songs. pop/country ballads.
want to send to publishers.
need good players that can
learn songs quickly and play
them well. 260-1769

Various Sizes of brand new
Gamecock tennis shoes. Very
cool! Call: 803-530-9474 for
details.
TWIN LOFT BED
Excellent Condition, Wooden
Frame, Very Sturdy, Futon or
Small Couch Will Fit Under-
neath. Great way to gain more
space!
$120 or best offer
.
PITBULL PUPPIES FOR SALE.
$125 males and females. Black
with white markings. Mother
& father both on yard. Father
pure Chinaman bloodline,
mother 3/4 Chinaman and 1/4
Jeep bloodlines. (803) 251-
4422. Ask for Antwon
Personals
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Licensed Massage Therapist
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Are you looking to buy or sell a
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areas! I can also give you a
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home if you’re just curious to
know what it is worth! call me
any time Lynn Madden Century
21 @ 318-5176
Housing
3b/2b brick home in lloyd-
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call lynn madden century 21
@318-5176
little over 1800 sq. ft. 3b/2/
with 2 car garage, FROG,
fenced back yard in exclusive
neighborhood. Springdale
area, Hampton Crest S.D. call
2144 Wallace Street….Lo-
cated in historic Cottontown.
Perfect for investor…Pre-list-
ing opportunity…1600+ sqft
bungalow...3b/1b, corner lot,
hardwoods, sunroom, new
windows, exterior recently
painted. Priced for investor @
$160,000.
513-5511
4404 North Main Street…Great
commercial opportunity, du-
plex located in the heart of Eau
Claire, multiple uses high traffic
area. Within planned N. Main
renovation project.... Prop-
erty needs major renovations.
Priced for investor @ $85,000.
513-5511
1303 Florence Street…Classic
Earlewood Bungalow, com-
pletely renovated, hardwoods
drummer and lead guitarist.
Influences Third Eye Blind,
Better than Ezra, Cutless, etc.
Call Kevin at 803-413-4888.
BASS LESSONS Personal
bass instruction for beginners
and intermediate players. Les-
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Mike Mahoney with over 30
years of live, studio and tour-
ing experience. In your home.
Call for scheduling, rates and
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NEW PRIVATE LESSONS
studio. Exp. teacher cur-
rently accepting students on
all instruments to take weekly,
biweekly or monthly lessons.
Call 803-699-2590.
Exp. singer seeking for a work-
ing acoustic/blues/modern
rock band in Columbia area.
RETRO-INDIE BAND SEEK-
ING... energetic vocalist to
complete local project. Call
917-3778
METAL/HARD CORE BAND
seeking lead guitarist. Call
803-730-3390 lv msg.
Musicians
Wanted
PROFESSIONAL BASSIST
MIKE
FROST former student of
JACO PASTORIUS, available
for performances, recording
and lessons. All styles, all
levels. mcfrost.com, karmic-
tiempo.com 803-644-8655, cell
631-252-4359

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