Contents DECEMBER 20, 2006 VOLUME 2 ISSUE 9

PUBLISHER Paul F. Blake

803.446.3458 - paul@columbiacitypaper.com
MANAGING EDITOR Todd Morehead
803.740.9090 - todd@columbiacitypaper.com
NEWS EDITOR Corey Hutchins
CHRISTMAS WISH LISTS OF THE (ROCK) STARS PAGE 18 803.261.6874 - corey@columbiacitypaper.com
CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sean Rayford
WAY MORE DISTURBING THAN JUST NEW GUITARS... 803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com

News.Politics.Commentary
IRAQ CORRESPONDENT David Axe
david@columbiacitypaper.com
D.C. CORRESPONDENT Chris McCarter
mccarter@columbiacitypaper.com
LETTERS TO THE READER/TALKBACK 3 MOVIES Deric Kempsell
NEWS GUNS, DRUGS, AND TA-TAS 4
ATHIESTS ARE PEOPLE TOO 5 THE ANGRY WHALE Sean Rayford
THE FUTURE OF OWEN’S FIELD SKATEPARK 7 803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com
THE GOOD FIGHT GLOBAL WARMING CONFERENCE IN CHARLESTON 6 GENERAL SALES MANAGER A.J. Taylor
SPECIAL YULETIDE TALE A CHRISTMAS TREE ON THE WHIFF? 8 803.446.3458 aj@columbiacitypaper.com
BUM OF THE WEEK STREET PSYCHIC 10
MR. MEANER’S CRIME WATCH WALLOPED AT WAL MART 11 ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
STATE HOUSE REPORT HO-HO-HORRIBLE PAY 14 Katie Sloan, Laura Brown, John Starino
PAGE 4
TED RALL PUNDITRY PAYS 15 NOW HIRING COMMISSION ONLY

Arts.Entertainment.Etc
SOUNDBOARD 16
CONTRIBUTORS
M. David Farrell, Arik Bjorn, Andy Brack, Will Moredock
David Martin, Ted Rall, Sarah Maddocks, Dan Savage,
Greg Hambrick, Wes Wolfe, Seagram’s 7
ANGRY WHALE MUSIC REVIEWS 19
HOROSCOPES NONE OF THAT FOR MY SLED, CLARK 20 Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the
JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS 20 entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia
City Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 each. Views expressed
MOVIE TIMES 21 do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper
NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD & SAVAGE LOVE A CLASSY COMBO 22 or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC
SU | DO | KO & FREE CLASSIFIEDS FREE ADS AT POSTLOCAL.COM 23
COLUMBIA CITY PAPER
Comics: Boondocks (pgs 6, 10) Rall (pg 15) Red Meat (pgs 11, 14) Perry Bible (pg 10) 701 Gervais Street, Suite 150-218
PAGE 5 Columbia, SC 29201
Quote of the Issue: “No, bourbon is my entree! Get away from me!” 803.446.3458

2 DECEMBER 20, 2006

 Talk Back!
CITY PAPER SHOWS THE WAY
Dear City Paper,
I am a new resident to your fair city. I was going
to leave shortly after I came but then I saw your
paper. It was the feather that shifted the scales.
Now I am committed to Columbia; and the down-
ward spiral into alcoholism and depression that fol-
lowed from this choice has made my life a living hell.
At night-when I am not 'raging'- I dream of moist
potato fields. I know the boys back home would
scarcely recognize me now. They are simple people
and, sadly, their diet is protein-deficient. I admit that
I am probably beginning to idealize my hometown
the way some people idealize the Eisenhower
years.
Also, the capitol dome has horns. When back-
lit by the November sky they are plainly visible. We
all know what a centrally placed architectural feature
of this nature means.
Thank you for showing the way,
'O. Berdick
To the Editor,
The State of South Carolina Education Lottery
is giving away $92,000 to private businesses
through a raffle for retailers in place to encourage
retailers to promote the lottery’s “Carolina
Millionaire $10 Raffle.” Retailers must sell 50
Carolina Millionaire Raffle tickets in the week to be
eligible for that week’s drawing. If the retailer sells
100, their name goes in the retailer raffle twice.
The Lottery Commission then proceeds to draw
one retailer’s name and declares that retailer the
winner of the raffle and the recipient of $500. This
is done once a week for each county in the state
for four weeks.
Now, that the boring explanation is out of the
way we can get to the heart of the matter. The
Reader
drawing is held in private and according to SCEL
Letters to the
Dear Jim Casey’s,
Hurry back . Saturday nights in Columbia after 2 a.m.
just haven’t been the same without you. The whole of the
social strata was represented in your cavernous basement
bar. Where else could you see drunken sorority girls and
attorneys partying alongside the stringy blonde Rosewood
tweaker types that you see riding a child’s bicycle from their
meth trailer to the convenience store? We look forward to the
day that you rise from the ashes like a sketchy phoenix.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Mall Santas,
You guys are the unsung heroes of the season. While
the real Santa and his elves are busy putting the finishing
touches on everything, you guys contract out to make
appearances in his place. There must be some kind of union
contract? And while the big man gets his lists as hardcopy
letters, y’all have to memorize each kid’s list and, what, phone
them in from the phone booths near the Food Court? Santa
gets magic eggnog and a flying sleigh, while you guys putter
home in rusted Chevettes with bottles of peach Schnapps.
Well, City Paper salutes you, mall Santas. ...And, hey,
put in a good word for us, will you?
Columbia City Paper
Dear Uncle Barney,
I think I smell a regift here. And it’s not just the scent of
the home body wax kit you gave me. For one, the model on
the package is leaning on an ‘85 Camaro. Not to mention the
Richway gift bag ; that department store chain has been
closed for like 15 years. But, hey, it’s the thought that counts.
Upstate Sales Manager Stewart Ellison, only he
and one other person was present for the drawings
involving the retailers in his territory. In a phone
call to Ellison, he stated that not only were the
names of those retailers eligible for the retailer raf-
fle private, but that the winner was to remain
anonymous as well. For the lottery novice, it is a
fact that these CM raffle tickets are not selling as
the Lottery Commission had hoped. With one mil-
lion tickets available for sale between October 30th
and January 8th, as of midday December 15th less
than 337,000 have been sold. This means that few
retailers were eligible for the raffle. In fact Ellison
stated that no retailer in Union or Abbeville coun-
ties even qualified for the raffle drawing held this
week.
Ellison stated that eligible (and winning) retail-
ers’ names, since the raffle is not paid for by tax-
payers, could remain private. However, lottery win-
nings are funded in the same manner, but lottery
winners are not exempt from the Freedom of
Information Act as stated on the lottery claim form
provide by the SCEL website (http://www.sceduca-
tionlottery.com/images/PDF/claimform.pdf). While I
am not accusing Ellison of any sort of corruption,
his reluctance to release any information regarding
to the participants or the winners of the retailer raf-
fle do not evoke a great deal of confidence in those
handling funds in the name of the State and its
education.
Joe Threadgill
Manager of Lil Store
Lottery retailer #224837
City Paper invites timely letters about subjects in our
publication. Correspondence must include a daytime
telephone number. Letters may be edited for length,
taste, and clarity. By mail: Letters to the Editor, Columbia
City Paper, 701 Gervais St. Suite 150-218, Columbia,
S.C. 29201; by e-mail: corey@columbiacitypaper.com.
When I clean out my garage this spring, I’ll be sure to save
something nice for you for Christmas.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Recycling Guy,
You fill every Thursday morning with comedy, your loud
curses rivaling the clanging of the empty glass bottles that you
sling angrily into your truck. “Goddamn! You drink this much,
you got a problem!” That’s right... filled two bins again. This
business takes it toll, man.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Heart Broken at Christmas,
Most sociopathic partners will smile their way through
Christmas so as not to rock the boat, only to dump your
trifling butt on December 27th to give them time to find a cute
date for the New Years Eve parties. For those sad sacks who
got dumped before the holidays, City Paper would like to
suggest a few great country songs to help you along.
While the rest of your family revels in holiday cheer, take
a decanter of Scotch into a dark guest room and turn up the
stereo to drown out your weeping so as not to ruin everyone
else’s Christmas too. Start off with the seminal classic,
“I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me.” Follow up
with “Goin’ Through the Big D, and I Don’t Mean Dallas.”
Balance that out with some George Jones before moving on
to “I’m Drinking Christmas Dinner (All Alone This Year).” Cut
the lights, pass out fully clothed in a fetal position, repeat for
six months or so and you’ll be as good as new.
Columbia City Paper
DECEMBER 20, 2006 3
 PLATINUM PLUS STRIP CLUB MOGUL
UNDER INVESTIGATION IN MEMPHIS:
Columbia club claims no connection
BY TODD MOREHEAD
At 1:45 a.m. on Saturday, December 9th local and
federal investigators raided two Memphis, Tenn. strip
clubs, including a Platinum Plus club. The bust resulted in
75 arrests and topped off a 19-month undercover inves-
tigation of alleged gun trafficking, drug peddling, and
prostitution at the clubs. Authorities seized crack
and powder cocaine, ecstasy, and Lortab, a pre-
scription painkiller. So far, 11 federal and 63
state indictments have been issued and of
those arrested, eight are known gang mem-
bers, some of whom are affiliated with the
Crips.
An undercover police officer also
worked alongside-perhaps unknow-
ingly-an undercover adult industry
watchdog, whose recently released
report offers further damning evi-
dence against the clubs.
Eric Damian Kelly, an attorney
and professor of urban planning at Ball
State University, moonlights as a de
facto strip club investigator for cities
across the nation. An expert in govern-
ment regulation of adult-oriented busi-
nesses, Kelly was recently paid
$38,000 by the city of Memphis to
investigate its strip clubs. On Monday,
December 11, just two days after feder-
al and municipal authorities staged the
raid on Platinum Plus and the Tunica
Cabaret & Resort, Kelly released an
89-page report of his findings and
addressed state and city officials on
how to more effectively regulate the
clubs.
Kelly described live sex
shows between entertainers and
customers at the Memphis
Platinum Plus, among a litany of
other findings.
The federal investigation cen-
tered on 61-year-old Ralph Lunati, an adult
industry mogul, who owns the Platinum Plus in
Memphis, as well as other strip clubs all over the
Dawn Caldwell and Anne Hightower-
Patterson On Display Till January 11
Give the gift of Art!
Jewlery, Art & Gifts
Located next to
Goatfeathers
The Artists’ Basement 2013 Devine Street
4 DECEMBER 20, 2006
country. Shelby County (TN) District Attorney Bill Gibbons is that Lunati let his rights to the name expire. Yet, in August
seeking the permanent closure and forfeiture of Lunati's 2006, according to court documents obtained by City Paper,
clubs in that county. U.S. Atty. Christopher E. Cotten also Lunati-listed as President of Entertainment U.S.A. of
filed a civil complaint seeking forfeiture of Tennessee/Platinum Plus-
Lunati's real estate assets. sued Charles Westlund Jr.,
Over his 30 years in the adult enter- owner of the Platinum Doll club
tainment industry, Lunati has owned a in Memphis, over the use of
swingers club and a 900-number phone the word “platinum” in the
sex line. In the 1980's he and former busi- establishment's name.
ness partner Steve Cooper opened a When asked if the SC
string of strip clubs that ran from San clubs could have been listed
Francisco to San Antonio, Cleveland, and on Lunati's tax filings, Ellis reit-
Jackson, Miss. When he and Cooper erated that Lunati currently
finally split ways, Lunati took ownership had no holdings in the
of Platinum Plus chain, which generated Columbia or Greenville
$5.9 million in revenue in 2002, according Platinum Plus clubs.
to a tax filing for that year. “They try to sweep every-
According to a source close the thing into one pan and try to
investigation, the IRS was also involved make it a bigger issue than it
in last weeks raid on Lunati's home and is,” he said.
federal officials were seen carting off As for the displaced
boxes of documents from the scene. One dancers from the Memphis
report of the raid claims a 1997 tax docu- Platinum Plus who are alleged-
ment connects Lunati to interest amounts ly being integrated into the SC
held in Platinum Plus clubs in Columbia clubs, Ellis again reassured
and Greenville, SC, though City Paper City Paper that it was standard
was unable to verify the report. industry procedure and doesn't
It is unclear what effect, if any, imply that they are affiliated
the Memphis raids will have on South with the Memphis club.
Carolina's Platinum Plus clubs. “Dancers travel,” he said.
Ken Wood, owner of the two “It's part of the business.
Platinum Plus clubs in SC, is in Miami We've had some go to
overseeing another business venture and Memphis. Some from
could not be reached for comment. Memphis dance here. Our
Jimmy Ellis, who oversees operations of Columbia Platinum Plus owners deny connec- dancers might travel all over the
the SC clubs, told Columbia City Paper tions with the Memphis location, although the country to dance at different
that the clubs have no affiliation to Ralph promotional card above suggests otherwise. clubs, but that doesn't make us
Lunati and won't be affected by the recent affiliated with those other clubs.”
raid and pending indictments. It appears that Columbia's
“Our only connection to Ralph Lunati is the name Platinum Plus will continue to prosper and operate within the
[Platinum Plus],” said Ellis. “We don't operate with him and law. Though a night there could never be called boring,
he doesn't operate with us.” debauchery on a Memphis scale may not reach the Jacobs
According to Ellis, the SC clubs wanted to use the Rd. club any time soon.
Platinum Plus name and Lunati granted them permission to According to Ellis, “Nothing that exciting is going on in
do so. Kenwood Enterprises, owned by Ken Wood, then Columbia.”
trademarked the name in 2004. A source in Memphis claims
We wish you a happy holiday—by whatever
name you call it—and a happy New Year
extremism and sold a quarter-million copies. Now he is
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my back with Letter to A Christian Nation, a polemical blast
tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" --- at religion as the source of most of humankind’s misery.
Woody Allen And then there is Daniel Dennett, the dean of the
new wave of non-theists and director of Tufts
South Carolina has been getting its tongue caught University’s Cognitive Studies Center, whose Breaking
in one metaphorical typewriter or another for genera- the Spell: Religion as a Natural Phenomenon, continues
tions. But unlike Woody Allen, this state’s long, sad his- to spark controversy nearly a year after publication.
tory only seems to bring out the religiosity in its people. Why the sudden interest in atheism in this country
South Carolinians will pray at the drop of a hat – where 90 percent of adults profess belief in some form
political rallies, sports events, public meetings, school of Supreme Being? Why would anyone wish to be iden-
commencements – you name it, somebody will almost tified as an atheist when a University of Minnesota study
surely stand up and say, “Let us pray.” And if they are in published last April reported that atheists are the least-
a really bad mood, they will do it “in the name of Jesus trusted minority in America? In that study, researchers
Christ, our Lord and Savior.” found that 39.6 percent of people selected atheists from
For those three percent of Americans who declare a list when asked which group doesn’t share their vision
ourselves atheist or agnostic— and for the seven per- of American society. Atheists beat out Muslims (26.3 per-
cent who remain in the closet— the holiday season cent) and homosexuals (22.6 percent). One of the
brings a mixture of happiness and apprehension. There researchers theorized that the “findings seem to rest on
will be food and parties with family and friends but also a view of atheists as self-interested individuals who are
awkward moments and a feeling of not being understood not concerned with the common good.”
or respected. Intolerance of atheists rivals that of homosexuals
This year, as we look for the perfect gift for friends in this country. Asked if he recognized “the equal citizen-
and loved ones, there is a trio of books that will surely be ship and patriotism of Americans who are atheists,”
found under many good atheists’ holiday trees. Indeed, Former President George H. W. Bush answered, “No, I
atheism is as popular today as it has been in many don’t know that atheists should be considered as citi-
years, making the covers of major magazines and zens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one
appearing on bestseller lists. nation under God.”
Richard Dawkins, the Charles Simonyi Professor Atheists may get a bad rap, but in the age of
of the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden, religion has got-
University, is author of The God Delusion, which has ten a bad name as well, and some say that there is a
been riding high on the New York Times and Amazon straight line between the moderate religious observanc-
bestseller lists. es of billions of Christians, Muslims and Jews and the
Two years ago, Sam Harris published The End of kind of fanaticism that threatens the very foundations of
Faith: Religion, Terror and the End of Reason, which civilization.
focused public atten- “As long as we accept the principle that religious
tion on the dan- faith must be respected simply because it is religious
gers of reli- faith, it is hard to withhold respect from the faith of
g i o u s Osama bin Laden and the suicide bombers,” Dawkins
writes in The God Delusion.
This “New Atheism,” as it is called, is the subject of
the cover story in the November issued of Wired maga-
zine, where contributing editor Gary Wolf writes, “The
New Atheists will not let us off the hook simply
because we are not doctrinaire believers. They con-
demn not just belief in God but respect for belief in
God. Religion is not only wrong; it's evil. Now that
the battle has been joined, there's no excuse for
shirking.”
Herb Silverman couldn’t agree more.
Silverman is the founder of Secular Humanists
of the Lowcountry (www.lowcountry.human-
ists.net) and has the distinction of being
South Carolina’s most outspoken atheist.
(See following story.)
“Tolerance enables fundamental-
ism,” Silverman said in an interview at his
office at the Department of Mathematics
at the College of Charleston. “All holy
books have horrendous violence and intoler-
ance, as well as love and peace. The funda-
mentalists will always seize upon the dark side
of religion… why should we give ludicrous beliefs
a pass?”
Silverman and Dawkins both see the New Atheism
as taking the critical step from “mere philoso-
phy” to a political move-
ment. Dawkins said
this in the Wired
story: “I’m quite
keen on the poli-
tics of persuading
people of the
virtues of athe-
ism…the num-
ber of nonreli-
gious people
in the U.S. is
something
nearer to 30
million than
20 million.
That’s more
than all the
Jews in the
world put
together. I think we’re in the same position the gay
movement was in a few decades ago. There was a need
for people to come out. The more people who came out,
the more people who had the courage to come out. I
think that's the case with atheists. They're more numer-
ous than anybody realizes.”
Silverman also goes for the gay analogy: “Forty
years ago, I thought homosexuals were just child moles-
ters, because I didn’t know any homosexuals. That is, I
didn’t know any who were open about their homosexual-
ity. They were all in the closet.
Today it’s possible to
know gays as
individuals and that’s
what I want for atheists. It’s time to come out of the clos-
et.”
“Coming out of the closet” is a pleasantly innocu-
ous term. In the hands of Richard Dawkins, the New
Atheism takes on a harder edge. “Highly intelligent peo-
ple are mostly atheists…not a single member of either
house of Congress admits to being an atheist. It just
doesn't add up. Either they're stupid, or they're lying. And
have they got a motive for lying? Of course they've got a
motive! Everyone knows that an atheist can't get elect-
ed.”
He’s probably right, but Wendy Kaminer warns
against hubris in the New Atheism movement. Kaminer
is an attorney and former Guggenheim Fellow and the
author of seven books of social criticism, including
Sleeping with Extra-Terrestrials: The Rise of
Irrationalism and the Perils of Piety and Free for All:
Defending Liberty in America Today.
Kaminer was in town last month to address the
annual American Civil Liberties Union banquet and took
the opportunity to speak to the monthly meeting of
Secular Humanists of the Lowcountry, at the Unitarian
Church.
She reminded the 40- plus in attendance that great
intellectual traditions have come out of religion, including
the Jesuits and Talmudist scholars. Furthermore, great
social reforms have been spawned from religious ethics.
In the United States, these would include the abolition
and civil rights movements. The great slaughters of the
twentieth century were committed, not in the name of
religion, she said, but in the name of nationalism and
secular ideologies. “Human nature is the problem, not
religion.”
She quoted Mary McCarthy in saying, “Religion is
good for good people.”
(Curiously, Kaminer said that she does not think
there is more religiosity today that in earlier times, but
the way the Republicans have gerrymandered electoral
maps and use religion as a wedge issue gives religious
voters more power today that at any time before.)
The challenge, Kaminer said, is to replace con-
tempt with compassion and to preserve the ethics of reli-
gion, including the concept of sin and moral condemna-
tion.
Silverman agrees. He has no use for religious ritu-
al— though he tries to keep the ethics of religion in his
own life. “It’s the latter that are important to me,” he said,
“not the former…I try to do the right thing because it is
the right thing.”
Deeds, not creeds, are the measure of a person’s
morality, Silverman said.
To those who say that people without religion
would be released to commit mayhem, Silverman
responds, “I do not consider it morality if you act purely
out of rewards or punishments…morality is what you do
when no one is watching.” In a Universe without a God,
that would be most of the time.
Another popular attitude that Silverman confronts
at every opportunity is the sound bite, “Freedom of reli-
gion does not mean freedom from religion.” This was a
slogan of Sen. Joe Lieberman, a conservative Jew, dur-
ing his vice presidential campaign in 2000.
“How can you have freedom of religion without
having freedom from religion?” Silverman asked. “To
BY
WILL MOREDOCK
defend only
freedom of reli-
gion implies you
must have some
religion.” Silverman
prefers “freedom of
conscience” as the
proper understand-
ing of religious toler-
ance.
Silverman does not think that atheists and agnos-
tics will ever be a majority in this country, but he would
like to see them receive the respect now accorded Jews,
who were a safe object of public ridicule only a half cen-
tury ago. He is not aware of any self-identified atheists
holding elective office in this country but is working for
the day when atheists can be elected to public office as
readily as Jews.
This season leaves non-theists in a quandary. We
love the food and parties as much as any Episcopalian
but there come those moments when we do feel left out.
This is a Judeo-Christian holiday season after all, and
those of us who do not buy into the deal are likely to feel
a twinge of emptiness, unless we can find another way
to make merry. For some, the winter solstice has
become the focus of their season. After all, this was an
ancient pagan holiday, which was co-opted by early
Christians and branded as Christmas. Now pagans are
reclaiming it as their own and many non-theists are
happy to join in.
Herb Silverman and his partner, Sharon
Fratepietro, will attend a winter solstice pot luck dinner
with friends at the home of another couple— he, a sec-
ular humanist; she, a Christian.
“I used to be comfortable with strangers wishing
me Merry Christmas,” Silverman wrote in an e-mail,
“until some conservative religionists manufactured a so-
called ‘war on Christmas.’ Unfortunately, I now think
some of the Merry Christmas greetings I now receive are
said more in anger than in the spirit of Peace on Earth,
Good Will Toward Men (and Women).”
“Although I am Unitarian/atheist/secular humanist,
I do celebrate Christmas with my family,” said environ-
mentalist Laura Moses. “It is more about tradition than
about religion. Growing up in a Catholic-Jewish house-
hold, we learned to be very flexible about such things.
We will meet at my father's house for gift-giving, favorite
foods, and relaxed company.”
“Growing up in a Catholic-Jewish household, we
learned to be very flexible about such things. We will
meet at my father's house for gift-giving, favorite foods,
and relaxed company.”
Retired dentist Bill Upshur and his wife Jane, a
retired physician, will celebrate Christmas around the
tree, opening presents with their grown son and daugh-
ter and two grandchildren. Both are secular humanists,
though their son and daughter-in-law are Baptists and
fundamentalists.
Religion has never played much part in our
Christmas,” Upshur said. “It’s just a family get-together
and we open presents…it’s nice to get the family togeth-
er when we can.”
So however you plan to spend the holidays— in
prayer or partying, with family or on a cruise— those of
us who do not share the religiosity of the season wish
you a happy holiday-- by whatever name you call it-- and
a happy New Year.
 the Good Fight
WITH OCEANS RISING, LOWCOUNTRY IS NO PLACE TO BE
"With all of the hysteria, all of the fear, all of Strachan Donnelley, President of the Center for
the phony science, could it be that man-made glob- Humans and Nature, told the conference. "Just the
al warming is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated name Lowcountry ought to send chills down our
on the American people? It sure sounds like it." spines."
—Sen. James Inhofe The sea level in Charleston
In the three and a half years since Harbor will rise as much as 19 inches in
the Oklahoma Republican and chairman this century, according to the
of the Committee on Environment and Environmental Protection Agency
Public Works, made this stunning decla- (which former House Majority Leader
ration on the floor of the United States Tom DeLay once called the Gestapo).
Senate, awareness of global warming Warming atmosphere and warming
has increased radically. seas will make tropical storms more fre-
Nevertheless, Inhofe has made the quent and more violent.
cable news circuit, repeating his mali- Warmer weather and milder
cious blather and making even grosser winters will bring more insects —
charges: He has compared those who including mosquitoes — which may
warn of global warming to Hitler and BY WILL MOREDOCK mean we will see more West Nile
his "big lie;" and people who believe in Founder of Columbia’s virus and the return of malaria. Warm
global warming he has called Nazis. former Point newsweekly water will spawn toxic algae blooms,
He has said that every claim in Al which will poison both fish and the
Gore's film, An Inconvenient Truth, "has been refut- people who eat them, said Dr. Robert Ball of the
ed scientifically" — which truly is a big lie — though S.C. Department of Health and Environmental
he admits he has not seen the documentary. On Control.
another occasion, he compared Gore's film to The irony in all this is that people continue to
Hitler's Mein Kampf. flock to the Southeastern coasts by tens of thou-
It is a measure of the corruption of our politics sands a year. "The shift of population to the coast
and our media that such dangerous nonsense was in the present manner is unsustainable and will
ever unleashed on the public. To cite just one inevitably lead to permanent damage to the coast,"
example, Ian Bowles, former senior science direc- Charleston Mayor Joe Riley said.
tor on environmental issues for the Clinton Fifty-four percent of the U.S. population lives
National Security Council, told the Boston Globe in within 50 miles of the coasts; $4 trillion worth of
2001: "The basic link between carbon emissions, real estate lies in America's coastal counties.
accumulation of greenhouse gases in the atmos- Insurance premiums will continue to rise or insur-
phere, and the phenomenon of climate change is ance will become unavailable for much of that
not seriously disputed in the scientific community." property, said Eleanor Kitzman, director of the S.C.
But the "public debate" goes on, because Department of Insurance. Federal and state gov-
prominent people like Inhofe are paid to keep the ernments will have to make hard decisions on
public divided and confused on global warming. whether to underwrite property that private insurers
That's right — paid! Since 1999, according to the won't touch.
Center for Responsive Politics, Inhofe has If the world had acted in concert decades ago,
received almost $300,000 in campaign donations much of the destruction and havoc, which now
from oil and gas interests and nearly $180,000 seems inevitable, might have been avoided. But
from electric utilities. In the 2002 election cycle, he we did not act, and have not acted, because there
received more oil and gas money than all but one was too much money to be made by certain inter-
member of the Senate. ests.
This was the unmentioned background to the Today we are fighting a war halfway around
conference of environmentalists, regulators, busi- the world, ostensibly to protect ourselves from
ness leaders, and policy makers who gathered at global terrorism, but what have we done to protect
the Francis Marion Hotel last Wednesday. The ourselves from global warming? The United States
Heinz Center for Science, Economics, and the has not even signed the Kyoto Accord on green-
Environment organized the event as part of a 30- house gas emissions. When chief U.N. weapons
month project to prepare America's coasts and inspector Hans Blix said, "I'm more worried about
their inhabitants for rising sea levels, increased global warming than I am of any major military con-
storm activity, and the inevitable havoc they will flict," Sen. Inhofe labeled him "ridiculous and
wreak. alarmist."
Yes, it's here and it's now. Regardless of what The clock is ticking on our way of life in this
James Inhofe says, global warming has come to proud old city. What would any of us be willing to
South Carolina. sacrifice to save it?
"The fact is, global warming is real, sea levels
are going to rise, and we have to prepare for that," talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

The Boondocks AARON MCGRUDER

6 DECEMBER 20, 2006

 Owens Field skate
park due for a facelift
BY TODD MOREHEAD
It's hard to describe the nuts and bolts of skate-
boarding to those who have never dropped in on a
ramp. But, Ryan Cockrell of the Owen's Field Skate
Park Association did a pretty good job of it to
Columbia city council during their December 13
meeting. The city plans to relocate the existing
ramps to make way for a running track, requested
by Richland School District 1. Cockrell explained the
immense popularity of the sport nationwide and
urged city council to build an updated skate park
with the money they plan to use to simply move the
current wooden ramps. The skate park association
has so far collected around 400 signatures in sup-
port of this plan.
In October, city council voted to allow Richland
School District 1 to build a track and field facility,
consisting mainly of an eight-lane running track in
the space that is now occupied by the skate park.
The city currently has plans to move the existing
wood and metal ramps, nearing a decade old, to a
new area within the Owens Field complex before
razing the current site to make way for the track.
There were initially two other sites considered for
the track, but one site infringed on a YMCA field and
the other site would call for the removal of a large
stand of trees, a prospect which has raised vehe-
ment opposition from the Rosewood Community
Council.
There seems to be no other choice but to move
the skate park. Cockrell and crew don't want the
track project to impose on the YMCA or needlessly
cut down trees either. They simply want to be con-
sidered as part of the equation and don't want to be
left without a skate park. They also want to encour-
age the city to demolish the worn out old ramps and
divert the money it would take to move those ramps
toward building a concrete park in the new location.
Thus, the track would be built, the trees would be
saved, and the kids would have a fun and safe place
to skate. Everyone wins.
The Owen's Field Skate Park features a small
street course on asphalt and a 6 ft. half pipe, all of
which are constructed of wood and metal. The metal
parts of the aging ramps are rusting through and the
wood, long weathered, has begun to separate at the
joints. The weathering of the ramp surfaces has
exposed screws in some places and holes in the
asphalt are large enough to catch a wheel and pitch
a rider forward, Cockrell says.
Doubtless the current ramps should be
replaced. But, some local skateboarders feel that
the city should boast something larger than that. Our
city's centralized geographic location within the state
should make it the ideal launching pad for a high-
end concrete skate park facility to not only draw rid-
ers from all over the state, but also the greater
southeastern region. And considering the benefits,
according to Cockrell, it would be relatively inexpen-
sive to build.
According to some estimates, it would cost
between $250,000 to $300,000 to simply relocate
the skate park as planned. At a recent city council
meeting, Charles Austin lowered the estimate to
$100,000. Based on his conversations with some of
the country's leading skate park designers, Cockrell
puts the rough cost of building a world-class con-
crete park at $480,000.
Though the current park occupies 16,000
square feet, Cockrell proposes that the new park
could be spread out in smaller pockets around the
grounds and some of it could even mimic a natural
urban park environment with large green spaces,
trees, and benches, with the fixtures built to be both
aesthetically pleasing and totally skateable.
The skate park association doesn't expect the
city to pick up the entire tab, though they encour-
aged the city to help in other ways, like donating city
bulldozers, offering tax breaks on building supplies
and the use of city employees for planning and
rough work. The bulk of the funding, should city
council approve the new park, will most likely come
from the association's private fundraising.
Cockrell encourages skateboarders and their
families to attend the Owen's Field Skatepark meet-
ings every Thursday at 7 p.m. at Bluetile in 5 Points.
For more information or to make a donation to the
skate park fund, visit www.owensfieldskatepark.org.
 GOOD STUFF BY COREY HUTCHINS
The Christmas tree stuck out its twig hand with the two
twenties folded in half. Its eyes were red and one of its orna-
ment lights blinked out. The tree twisted and shrugged trying to
get the string to light back up again. When one of them goes
they all go.
“F--k,” it said.
The little penguin just looked at him.
They were standing in the alleyway behind Colson’s store.
The Christmas tree shivered but the penguin looked fine. The
small half-bird looked up at the green thing twisting back and
forth on its stump, shaking its branches, trying to get that whole
string of colored droplets to brighten.
The penguin shook out its small wings and held the zip-
lock bag out with both its flippers. The tree stepped back and
looked up and down the alleyway. Paranoia. The little silver
bells and do-dads jingled in the wind. Snow drifted across the
pavement like detergent and the penguin shuffled its feet.
The Christmas tree cursed again and took the bag,
opened it, stuck one of its twig-fingers in and licked some of the
white powder inside. Its red eyes were still on the penguin who
hadn’t moved. The little thing stood there on a small patch of
black ice, its orange beak slowly moving up and down like pen-
guins do.
“Good stuff,” the Christmas tree said and held the two fold-
ed twenties out to the penguin. For a second there was the Artwork by M. David Farrell
awkward moment when neither of them knew how the penguin The penguin watched as the Christmas tree hobbled out
was going to take the money. Or where he was going to put it of the alleyway and onto the sidewalk. Watched the tree look
when he did. both ways and quickly cross the street, silver strands of tinsel
The angel on top of the Christmas tree snorted and blowing behind it, stripping away in the wind. The penguin
coughed and both of them looked up at it. She was still asleep, watched as the tree nearly tripped on the curb and cursed itself.
but the Christmas tree looked inpatient. Bending down, its low- A car’s headlight beams swung across the baseboards of a yel-
est branches scratching the snowy ground, the Christmas tree low fenced-in house and the penguin watched the Christmas
stuffed the forty dollars under the penguin’s birth-pouch just tree drop to the ground, cut its colored lights and roll into the
above its yellow feet. A small blue glass bulb fell to the ground gutter. Just another late term holiday abortion. Just another
and broke before its pieces blew away down the alley in the Christmas tree thrown out with the wrapping paper of already
wind. forgotten gifts. The car drove on and the tree got up, shook
“I have to get a move on,” the Christmas tree said, stand- itself off and turned the corner without looking back.
ing up and looking again up and down both sides of the alley- The small penguin had a long walk back to the front of the
way. seasonal gift shop on 53rd. He looked up and down the park-
The penguin still hadn’t said anything but looked content. ing lot and sniffed the air. Somewhere he thought he heard
The wind blew and rattled the sign on the front of Colson’s sleigh bells.
News Stand and Liquor Store. The braided wire of the stop- The penguin started his long walk.
lights creaked out in the street. The cold and the silence of the
city made everything feel more exposed.

8 DECEMBER 20, 2006

 BUM OF THE WEEK
THE OTHER SIDE OF STREET LIFE
BY COREY HUTCHINS
For the middle-aged homeless black man with the curly
white beard, being on the street “ain’t no different than working a
job except you’re on the street.” That’s what Columbia street res-
ident James said when City Paper recently caught up with him as
he enjoyed the midday weather on Gervais Street and watched
the cars pass by. “I still got to live,” he said as he surveyed his
large blue backpack equipped with a roll of plastic sheeting. “I still
need shoes and clothes; I still need plenty of hygiene stuff. I got
all these things to worry about and still gotta eat.”
James said he is “close to a hundred” years old. He’s real-
ly only in his 50s but you can’t help but admire the optimism.
While he’s only been out on the street close to two years now,
being homeless for him is not about the dark days and cold nights
capable of breaking a person down or leading to an itinerant life
of desperate drug use, prostitution, alcoholism or abject self-
abasement. For him, living out on his own doesn’t have to be
about the side of street life illuminated by commercial DVDs like
Crackheads Gone Wild or many of the interviews in this very col-
umn.
He’s on the street right now because he needs to be.
As there’s much more to Hollywood than the stars and glit-
ter, Columbia street life is not similarly defined by cracked-out
hobos needling up in parks, guzzling mouthwash, shitting in the
road or sharing a cardboard mattress under the train bridge. Each
one of them has their own story as to why they’re out there but
it’s not often you hear of a man choosing a life like this simply
because it’s easier.
He’s not lazy— that’s not what James is saying. He used to
have a real job, a car, a place to call his own. But he there is
something going on in his head that he doesn’t want to talk too
much about.
Perry Bible Fellowship
10 DECEMBER 20, 2006
NAME: JAMES
QUOTE: ALL COPS ARE NICE IF
YOU TREAT THEM LIKE PEOPLE.”
DRUG OF CHOICE: FREEDOM
LOCATION: GERVAIS STREET
“If you’re a telepath like I am then you don’t want nobody
messing with you,” he said. “If you’re trying to avoid other people
you can’t be in a place where they can help you… like shelters.”
Because of James’ gift he says he can’t be around other
people because of the things he hears; the sounds are some-
times too much for him to take. On the street though he can deal
with it and work through the catacombs of his own mind and try
to work through it. So far he says God has been able to look out
for him. He’s been able to find food without a problem and what
he owns he carries on his back so he can set up a makeshift shel-
ter under the stars on a nice night such a this. The way he looks
at it, the whole city is his home.
While out on the street James admits he is only now begin-
ning to understand the workings of his mind, something he con-
siders a very personal thing. As a little kid people used to hurt him
because of it but he doesn’t want to get into the details.
“I got a better chance of dealing with my telepathy [alone].
I’m coming through everything that I didn’t know about— thank
God— you know things like hypnosis and stuff like that.”
Ever since he was young James said people had always
told him there was something about him. He understands he’s dif-
ferent and he’s trying to figure it out on his own terms. As for
things like the psychic hotline and commercial use of his condi-
tion, James doesn’t want a part of it.
“Some people take advantage of that, see,” he says. “You
don’t think too much about them other people no more. But
they’re still psychics, right? But you don’t read too much or talk
about that. I wonder what happened to them people?”
James also understands the dangerous complexity
involved with believing and admitting that he is telepathic and
knows some people wouldn’t understand it.
For Thanksgiving this year he said he went to the Carolina
Coliseum but it was murder on his mind to be around the people
who were there as he stood in line to fill up his plate.
“Some of the sounds I heard in there,” he said, his brow fur-
rowed and his face recalling the feeling of agony, “Oh God.”
Life is going to get better for him, he knows that— it’s not a
The Boondocks AARON MCGRUDER
matter of “if” it’s “when.” For now he’s going to just keep on keep-
ing on and it hasn’t been too bad for him yet. Earlier James had
been talking to a female Columbia police officer who he said he’d
called over to chat.
“That’s a nice cop,” he said. “All cops are nice if you treat
them like people.” “They shouldn’t give me no problem,” he said.
“I don’t do nothing. I don’t do nothing to nobody. They don’t has-
sle me.”
James said that people need to understand that there are
“street people” and “people on the street” and that there is a dif-
ference. He said if City Paper wanted to talk about “the other side”
of living on the street then they could move on down the road. For
him this is just where his life has taken him and eventually he’ll be
all right. This he knows.
BY NICK GUREWITCH
 Mr. Meaner’s
CRIME REPORT
THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THESE EVENTS ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. THE
ACCOUNTS COME DIRECTLY FROM POLICE REPORTS. THIS IS NOT A COURT OF LAW.

29203 report the officer filed, in the box marked "weapon," is punch for punch on Devine Street and issued them city unless you want an "unlawful weapons" charge.
A 12-year-old kicked another kid in the balls at school the word "cup;" 1800 block Carter Street. both tickets for fighting as well. We're adding this report to the "racial profiling" file; 100
so hard he had to be treated by the school nurse; 5000 block Merian Street.
block Fairfield Road. 29204 29205
Employees of the Piggly Wiggly said someone stole a Some jag off smashed a car window with a brick and 29209
29204 TV and $50 in groceries from the store before jumping stole the radar detector; 800 block Albion Road. A 34-year-old Columbia man called the police after he
Some local gang bangers tagged up Bolden Stadium a car and taking off. PS - If this is you, they have you was knocked down and bitten by his neighbor's dog;
in Columbia with red and black gang symbols. It's on video; 7400 block Garners Ferry Road. 29205 1400 block Ellison Road.
going to cost the owner $1,500 to get that crap cleaned A couple of jag-offs broke into an 18-year-old man's
up, too; 1900 block Germany Street. 29204 dorm at Allen University and ganked his Xbox, shoes,
A man beat his pregnant ex-girlfriend. Yeah, because cash, clothes and DVDs; 1500 block Harden Street. 29209
29204 that's how great the world can be; 1300 block Bonier Gervais Street. When police showed up to a call that a man was
Police said they found a bag of "green plant-like mate- Ave. passed out in the driver’s seat of his car they got more
rial" in the pocket of a 21-year-old woman they were 29205 than just the drunk ticket they were after. A search of
already arresting for drunkenness. Police were proba- 29205 Two men pulled out handguns and pistol-whipped a the car turned up some dope pipes and some pot;
bly just as surprised as we were to find out she wasn't Stolen Stocking Stuffers: cops were called to the Dollar man before robbing him of $286 as he walked down 6200 block Fitzgibbons Drive.
rolling with a pocket full of mistletoe; 2800 block General on Beltline Blvd. after a middle-aged man the street; 4400 block Blossom Street.
Lincoln Street. jacked two pairs of socks and t-shirts off the rack and 29210
then high-tailed it out of there. 29209 Cops were called after a woman in Belk's stole a Curve
29204 A woman said she was walloped at Wal-Mart when cologne gift box. While taking the shoplifter to the
Neighbors called the cops when they saw a woman 29205 another woman came up and punched her in the face. office, the woman went nuts, screaming, yelling and
come screaming out of the house followed by another Police charged a 22-year-old Five Points motorist with The victim didn’t give police any reason why the crazy cursing and causing a big mall ruckus; 400 block Bush
woman brandishing a handgun. When the cops came drunkenness, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest lady would have clocked her but she did end up going River Road.
and found the armed broad they also found some pot at 11:15 p.m. after he plowed into another car drunk as to the hospital; 7500 block Garners Ferry Road.
on her as well; 7800 block Baily Street. a skunk and driving like an idiot; 700 block Harden 29210
Street. Clerks at the same Belk called the police again after
29204 29205 they watched someone steal nearly $700 worth of
Cup Culprit: cops were called when a woman said Cops arrested another man last week because he was clothes from their store; 400 block Bush River Road.
someone smacked her in the head with a measuring 29205 carrying an automobile battery. Highly suspicious ter-
cup. Police arrested the attacker and on the incident Another officer only a half hour and several blocks later rorist activity, indeed. A quick frisk of the man turned up
found another pair of Fight Club style ruffians going a pocketknife and you can’t carry one of those in this

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 HO, HO, HORRIBLE
South Carolinians are a warm, kind and generous
people.
Just ask Jermaine Husser, head of the Lowcountry
Food Bank. At this time of year, people open their hearts
and wallets to collect and give 400 tons of free food for
thousands of hungry people along the coast.
But getting donations and help around the holidays
isn’t too tough. It’s the rest of the year that poses chal-
lenges, especially in South Carolina, now recognized as
the hungriest state in the nation.
“It’s feast or famine for us,” Husser said. “Around
the summertime when people’s minds are on vacation or
their leisurely life, they forget about the people who are
not getting any food or the kids who are not getting lunch
or breakfast at school.”
According to a November report by the U.S.
Department of Agriculture, 15.5 percent of South
Carolinians are “food insecure,” which means they aren’t
able financially to guarantee they will avoid hunger with-
out help or charity. The study also showed some 6.3
percent of South Carolinians - - about 100,000 families -
- experienced hunger between 2003 and 2005. This
most recent federal data translates into another dubious
South Carolina first - - number 1 in hunger. Just eight
years ago, the Palmetto State ranked 21st.
About the same time in 1997, the federal govern-
ment increased the minimum wage from $4.25 to $5.15.
Since then, inflation has erased the buying power of the
wage increase. $5.15 today buys the equivalent of only
$3.95 in 1995, according to the Economic Policy
Institute.
Another set of facts: South Carolina has about
64,000 working poor families with children - - families
where parents work most of the year, but who live at or
below the poverty level, which is $20,000 a year for a
family of four in 2006.
So if you mix all this information, it’s easy to draw
the conclusion that a significant number of South
Carolinians are working, but don’t make enough money
to get out of poverty or hunger, at least for part of the
year. Again - - they work, but they don’t earn a living
wage.
In the last few weeks, two similar bills, one in the
Senate and another in the House, have been prefiled
14 DECEMBER 20, 2006
PAY
that call for South Carolina to set a minimum wage at
$6.15, or $1 above the federal standard. Currently, the
state is one of six without a minimum wage law. Half of
states have minimum wages at or above the federal min-
imum.
Husser, the head of the Food Bank, says raising
the minimum wage is a great strategy for South
Carolina’s charitable people to do something for poor
people throughout the year. A $1 increase in the mini-
mum wage would translate to $8 more per day or $2,000
per year. It would raise living standards and decrease
hunger.
Sen. Darryl Jackson, the Richland County
Democrat pushing the Senate bill, said South Carolina
needs to raise the minimum wage to send a clear mes-
sage that it is time to break the mindset that hard-work-
ing people aren’t appreciated.
“I would ask anyone whether they would be able to
survive today on what their salary was 10 years ago,” he
said. “Most people would say no.”
A common argument against raising the minimum
wage is that it would put a burden on business, particu-
larly small business. But in North Carolina, which this
year voted to boost the minimum wage by $1, business-
es aren’t relocating because of the new law, Jackson
said.
In fact, raising the minimum wage might be good
for the economy, according to Sue Berkowitz of the S.C.
Appleseed Legal Justice Center. Why? Because poor
people spend their money on surviving, she said.
“That money gets put into the economy. It gets spent in
our state. If wages go up, we will see it helps South
Carolina’s economy.”
State leaders need to consider seriously the pro-
posal to raise the minimum wage to help lift working peo-
ple out of poverty. It’s a practical way to help smooth the
rough edges that the working poor experience most of
the year. By doing so, there might be plenty of food, a
basic necessity, throughout the year, not just during hol-
idays when food banks are overflowing with food.
Andy Brack, publisher of S.C. Statehouse Report, can
be reached at: brack@statehousereport.com.
Ted Rall
GETTING PAID FOR GETTING IT WRONG
BAD BROKERS GET FIRED,
BAD PUNDITS GET HIRED
NEW YORK--"Past performance is no
guarantee of future returns," investment
firms warn their clients. Be that as it may, no
standard disclaimer can shield stockbrokers
from accountability for lousy advice. Those
who earn a reputation for picking good
stocks become wealthy. Those whose coun-
sel consistently costs their customers money
get fired. On Wall Street, hard work and a lit-
tle luck pay off.
It's the same for other professional prognosticators.
Doctors who misdiagnose, lawyers who file doomed law-
suits and film directors who go over budget suffer oppro-
brium, damaged reputations and--ultimately--diminished
incomes. Even our political leaders, who enjoy access to
up-to-the-minute assessments by high-tech intelligence
agencies and are thus presumed to know what they're
doing, are expected to foretell the consequences of their
actions. Six months before invading Iraq, defense secre-
tary Donald Rumsfeld assured us that "there is no doubt
that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass
destruction." "I doubt it will last six months," he predicted
when the war began. Rumsfeld, always wrong wrong
wrong, got fired.
Political pundits are the exception to the rule that
applies to everyone else--the more they're wrong, the
more they're paid.
Millions of people turn to America's top syndicated
newspaper columnists and broadcast talk show hosts to
place the day's events into context and to get a sense of
what will happen on the national and international politi-
cal scene in years to come.
All this inside-the-Beltway chatter is serious busi-
ness. The prognoses of opinion mongers influence poli-
cymakers and investors whose decisions determine
whether economies rise or fall; their take on foreign poli-
cy can drive Congress to war or pressure a president to
make peace. Had Rush Limbaugh opposed the invasion
of Iraq in 2003, to cite one example, there's a substantial
chance that 600,000 Iraqis and Americans would not be
dead today.
Unlike stockbrokers and doctors and lawyers, how-
ever, no one holds pundits accountable for their predic-
tions. In opposition to logic and the tenets of capitalism,
editorialists who repeatedly get it wrong prosper never-
theless. The biggest morons in print and on the air are
hired for increasingly prestigious and lucrative gigs on
radio and TV, invited to give $10,000-an-hour talks, and
showered with awards and six-figure book deals. Strange
but true: repeatedly screwing up is a prerequisite for mak-
ing the bestsellers list.
During the run-up to the Iraq war, syndicated colum-
nist Ann Coulter repeatedly parroted Bush Administration
talking points that will go down in history for their
depraved falseness and brazen illogic. "As George Bush
pointed out in his State of the Union address," she wrote
on January 31, 2003, "dictators are not in the habit of
'politely putting us on notice before they strike.'" By the
time a threat is 'imminent,' Chicago will be gone."
Everyone, including Bush, now admits that Saddam
never possessed or tried to develop nuclear weapons.
Given the information available at the time, however,
Coulter ought to have known that Chicago--and the rest
of the United States--had never been endangered by
Iraq. The reason: Saddam's missiles had a maximum
range of a few hundred miles. If she knew that fact, she
lied. If she didn't, she should have looked it up. Whether
she was dishonest or lazy, neither conclusion speaks well
of her skills as a pundit.
During the early days of the invasion U.S. troops
faced fierce resistance--not just from regular Iraqi army
troops but by the Shiite civilians we'd expected to greet
us as liberators. Clued-in pundits recognized these inci-
dents as the beginnings of an insurgency that would later
reduce the U.S. to near financial and moral ruin. Not
Coulter. Typing from the comfort of her Manhattan apart-
ment, she ridiculed the accounts filed by reporters
embedded with U.S. troops half a world away: "The [New
York] Times said our troops were 'faced with battlefield
death, human error and other tragedies.' The task 'looks
increasingly formidable.' There were 'disturbing events,'
editorial
PULITZER PRIZE FINALIST
and American forces were engaged in a 'fierce
firefight--an early glimpse of urban war-
fare.'...We're losing this war! The Elite
Republican Guard is assembling outside New
York City! Head for the hills!"
But the Times was right. Coulter commit-
ted the cardinal sin of the paid prophet. Not
only was she wrong, she was snotty about it.
On May 27, 2004, Coulter claimed on Fox
News: "We have found weapons of mass
destruction. That is something the media is
repeatedly lying about. We have not found
stockpiles. We found the plants for manufac-
turing, we found the experiments, we found the room for
human experimentation labs. We found lots of weapons
of mass destruction." In the same interview, she said "it's
pretty darn safe over there [in Iraq]." Obviously, none of
this was true.
Coulter has been wrong about just about everything.
She defended Bush, his preemptive wars against
Afghanistan and Iraq, torture programs, unilateralism and
deficits. All have been proven disastrous; all have been
repudiated by most Americans, including Republicans.
Yet Coulter continues to cash in. All five of her books,
thanks to heavy promotional campaigns by Random
House and mass buys by right-wing organizations, have
been bestsellers. She continues to be asked about, and
paid for, her opinions on Fox News and MSNBC. She's
so powerful and influential that liberal authors have pub-
lished three new books attacking her--none of which
stands a chance of matching her sales.
Liberal Times opinion columnist Thomas Friedman is
more proof that, for pundits, being wrong pays off. When
U.N. illegal arms inspectors went to Iraq in 1997,
Friedman shrieked that "Saddam is up to something seri-
ous this time."
As subsequent events have proven, Saddam wasn't
up to anything. He had destroyed his chemical and bio-
logical weapons at the end of the 1991 Gulf War, as the
U.S. had demanded. Nevertheless, Friedman went on, "it
cannot be just to obliterate those sites where he
[Saddam] is still hiding weapons--although that's impor-
tant. The U.S. has to try to destroy him too. Because the
worst of all worlds would be if we destroy his weapons
but he survives and throws out the UN inspectors. He
would then be able to rearm without anyone watching
Iraq. And he will try to rearm."
In 2003, a week before the invasion, Friedman was
giddy that his war lust was about to be sated: "I deeply
identify with the president's vision of ending Saddam
Hussein's tyranny and building a more decent, progres-
sive Iraq. If done right, it could be so important to the
future of the Arab-Muslim world, which is why I won't give
up on this war."
As if Friedman's support for the attack wasn't moral-
ly and tactically heinous enough, he posited a ludicrous
supposition: that the Bush Administration, which had
already botched the occupation of Afghanistan, could
have "done" Iraq "right." Friedman continued to pimp the
war in column after column, pausing occasionally to Fair despite widespread consensus that the United those who hope to use force to control their domains.
bemoan what he described as the faulty execution of a States hasn't rebuilt anything since its fall 2001 bombing That is even putting aside the likely U.S. actions, and
noble idea. campaign. Given that virtually everything Hitch writes what they will trigger--possibly more attacks like this one,
Now it's obvious that the war itself, rather than the gets debunked a few months later, it's reasonable to or worse. The prospects ahead are even more ominous
plan for a subsequent occupation, was intrinsically assume that editor Graydon Carter doesn't worry about than they appeared to be before the latest atrocities. As
flawed. But it was Friedman's job to see and convey that credibility when picking his roster of well-remunerated to how to react, we have a choice. We can express justi-
before the tragic waste of thousands of lives and billions writers. fied horror; we can seek to understand what may have
of dollars--carnage that his work helped promote and pro- Some pundits' predictions prove prescient. On led to the crimes, which means making an effort to enter
long. March 13, 2003, MIT linguist and political critic Noam the minds of the likely perpetrators...We may try to under-
Despite his dismal performance Friedman's star still Chomsky warned against invading Iraq. "The conse- stand, or refuse to do so, contributing to the likelihood
rises. His job at the Times secure, he recently collected quences," he wrote in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, that much worse lies ahead."
an Overseas Press Award and was named to the Order "could be catastrophic in Iraq and around the world. "The Chomsky's analyses are consistently literate,
of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth II. His latest United States may reap a whirlwind of terrorist retaliation- humane and, more often than not, dead on target. So
book, the turgid pro-free trade screed "The World is Flat," -and step up the possibility of nuclear Armageddon." where does his latest book "Failed States" appear on the
has been on the New York Times Bestsellers List nearly Terrorist attacks against Americans have become an bestsellers list? It doesn't. Seven months after publica-
two years. Among its many laughable errors is its central hourly occurrence in Iraq; North Korea's dangerous tion, it's the 1856th bestselling title on Amazon.
premise that Christopher Columbus set out for the New nuclear brinksmanship resulted from Kim Jung Il's fears Maybe he should look for a job on Wall Street.
World in order to disprove the idea that the world is flat. that he would be targeted for "regime change." (Ted Rall is the author of the new book "Silk Road to
It has sold over two million copies; assuming a standard Conceding that "Saddam remains a terrible threat to Ruin: Is Central Asia the New Middle East?," an in-depth
royalty rate of eight percent and $30 cover price, he has those within his reach," Chomsky continued by correctly prose and graphic novel analysis of America's next big
received at least $4 million for this title alone. assessing where Coulter and Friedman failed: "Today, his foreign policy challenge.)
Christopher Hitchens, the socialist-turned-neocon- reach does not extend beyond his own domains."
servative who famously gloated that Afghanistan was Chomsky's finest post-9/11 moment took place just talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
"the first country in history to be bombed out of the Stone one day later. "In short," Chomsky wrote in an online
Age," continues to collect four bucks a word from Vanity essay, "the [9/11] crime is a gift to the hard jingoist right,
DECEMBER 20, 2006 15
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 20
Art Bar
Mr B's Goodtimes Karaoke
Explosion
New Brookland Tavern
Haste The Day, Calico System,
Heavy Heavy Low Low, Flee
The Seen
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21
Art Bar
Band Appreciation Party
Headliners
Everything After, Hot Lava
Monster, Namedropper
New Brookland Tavern
The Reverie, Suhgarim, The
Modern Society, About Zoe
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 22
Art Bar
Delirium Tribal Bellydance
Company
iPop! (DJ) 11 p.m. -2 a.m.
Headliners
The South
New Brookland Tavern
Ninjaloot, Meant To Be Morbid,
The Remnants Of Yesterday
New Brookland Tavern 10pm
Analog Friday w/ Guy Presents:
California Dreaming's Rock,
Hip Hop, Cello & D'N'B Expo:
Branhan Anderson Lowther,
Dargan Gore, Michael Conway,
Alex Corboy, Clockwork Dj's
Guy/Todd, Alana Robles, GuyL
& Bspot feat. dot
Hunter Gatherer
The Fossil Record
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 23
Art Bar
Christmas Benefit Show for
Sistercare and Victim Assistance
Network, featuring: Danielle Howle,
Todd Cecil, Josh McGill, Elizabeth
Allen, James Ponce, Elizabeth
Cameron, Chris Compton, Hannah
Miller, Rian Adkinson, Lorrie Rivers,
Bentz Kirby, Amy Steinberg, Zach
Fowler and Jeff Johansson.
Headliners
Captain Easy, Analog Moon
New Brookland Tavern
From Idle Hands, The Herat
Massacre, Bull Durham
Chevy Chase Shot The King
The Downcide 9pm
Self-Afflicted, Pagan Savant
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 26
New Brookland Tavern
Johnny Fever & The Frantics
Kennedy Curse, The Shake Up
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 27
Art Bar
ABSTRACT Drum & Bass and
Electronica dance night with DJ
Joey and GuyL
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28
Art Bar
King Of Prussia
New Brookland Tavern
The Dirty Lowdown, The Delta
Drift, TBA
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 29
Headliners
Blue Dogs
Kenny Floyd Band
New Brookland Tavern
Zippy the Chipmunk's Family
Thrash Band, Chyme, Red
September
SATURDAY DECEMBER 30
Headliners
The Movement, Villanova
Evil Empire
New Brookland Tavern 5pm
And Since Forgotten .
The Decade, By No Means
Massacre Of The Umbilical
Cord, Rapture Cabaret
New Brookland Tavern 9pm
Erley Grace , Saturn 3 , Blind
Dog,TBA
SUNDAY DECEMBER 31
New Brookland Tavern
Third Annual New Years
Covers Show
Baumer (performing as
The Smashing Pumpkins)
Burns Out Bright (performing as
Green Day), Jey Cannon w/
guests (performing as
Rage Against The Machine)
Maladroit Mafia (performing as
Limp Bizkit )
MONDAY JANUARY 1
New Brookland Tavern
Singer/Songerwriter Night
Nick Moak, Gerald Shealy
Adam Bryant, TBA
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 3
New Brookland Tavern
New Music Night W/:
On or Off
Headfirst For Halos
TBA
THURSDAY JANUARY 4
Headliners
Hello Tomorrow
Adam Bryant
Goodnight Amazing
John Jett
New Brookland Tavern
Something About Vampires And
Sluts
Little Baby Dynamite
TBA
FRIDAY JANUARY 5
New Brookland Tavern
Jam Room Compilation
Release Party W/:
Quickfuse
Diavolo
From Graves Of Valor
Moment Of Truth
Black Tusk
SATURDAY JANUARY 6
Art Bar
Jam Room Studio CD
Compilation Release Party with
Death Becomes Even The
Maiden and Scary Hand

Jam Room
Recording Studio

Full Day of
Recording +
100CDs
$565.00

803.787.6908
jamroomstudio.com
16 DECEMBER 20, 2006
STORY BY SEAN RAYFORD PHOTO BY SEAN RAYFORD
Who would have guessed that Lovedrug vocalist Michael Shepard hopes that Santa will bring him an endearing friendship with Brad Pitt? The other evening I’m bartending at the New
Brookland Tavern in West Columbia just after soundcheck chatting with the fellas from Lovedrug and Brandtson. I pass out a notepad with two questions: (1) What do you realistically wish to
receive as a Christmas gift this year? (2) What do you wish for this year but it’s an unrealistic request? Quickly inspired by the responses, I made some phone calls and shot out a bunch of
emails and things have snowballed as I received a plethora of interesting requests for this holiday season. This time of year can be difficult for the touring musician trying to balance life on the
road and celebrating with family so if you come across a golden elephant that doesn’t fart, find a big crate and send it to Greta from the Hush Sound. Above: Greg Attonito of the Bouncing
Souls shows his holiday spirit at the New Brookland Tavern. He wants his very own tropical island.

EL HEFE (GUITAR, TRUMPET)
NOFX
A Ramirez nylon string acoustic guitar, made in Spain.
A house in Malibu.
CHRIS MCLANE (VOCALS)
STRETCH ARM STRONG
A new pair of running shoes and the desire to use
them for running.
A new house with more than 1400 square feet with my
very own room to put all my stuff that I really don't need
anyway.
BUCKET (VOCALS/GUITAR)
THE TOASTERS
An English roast beef dinner with Yorkshire pudding
and roasted potatoes with Coleman's English mustard.
A brand new Chrysler Sprinter van because it's
made by Mercedes and it rocks.
GREG ATTONITO (VOCALS)
THE BOUNCING SOULS
A new really good digital photo camera!!!
I want my own tropical island like Johnny Depp.
MIKE KINSELLA
OWEN, CAP’N JAZZ, AMERICAN FOOTBALL
A tool set. What kind of grown man doesn't have pliers
on hand?
An entire band of robot me's that can tour as 'OWEN'
so I can stay home and get fat and watch TV.
RICHARD CHEESE (VOCALS)
RICHARD CHEESE & LOUNGE AGAINST
THE MACHINE
I think the best present that anyone could give me this
year would be to just buy my new "Silent Nightclub" CD,
available in stores and on iTunes and at my richard-
cheese.com website. You see, all of the proceeds go to
a very special cause...each month, I send a big check to
18 DECEMBER 20, 2006
a wonderful organization called "MasterCard." So
please, buy my CD, and support the children.
World Peace? All of our troops to come home?
Britney in 2002, before she was Federlined? No, none of
those things. I think the thing that I would want more than
anything for Christmas would be for the Von's Grocery
Store near my house to get paper bags WITH HANDLES.
The Ralph's stores have them, why can't Von's get them?
I mean, seriously, it's a fucking grocery bag. I'm not ask-
ing you to fix the goddamned Hubble Space Telescope.
Just put some handles on your bags, you bastards!
ED ROSE (PRODUCER)
BLACK LODGE RECORDING
Lexicon PCM 70.
A return to taped-based recording.
JARED JOLLEY (DRUMS)
BRANDTSON
Kate Beckensale.
The replacement of Jay Leno.
ADAM TURLA (VOCALS GUITAR)
MURDER BY DEATH
The transmission fixed on the Ford Galaxie 500.
To be able to go visit my friend Zack in Nepal who is
studying at a monastery.
TRAVIS SHETTEL (VOCALS)
PIEBALD
A massage is realistic.
A bag of rocks is unrealistic.
CHRIS BROACH
BRAID, THE FIREBIRD BAND,
A book on spanish grammar, speaking, and improve-
ment... for example... an intermediate 'self' teaching
method to improve my Spanish ... maybe a workbook to
fill out and work on grammar... I really need to brush up...
for real.
A cure (I already take meds for it) for my intense fear
of flying, being trapped at 35,000 feet and not being able legged dalmatian named
to get off the plane is a big problem for me... plus - being Spec that loves Elvis. Or a
that far above the surface of the earth makes me feel Democrat controlled congress.
weightless and have physical symptoms of falling - while Wink.
not actually falling - and it doesn't stop - I just start to lose One that I want, but will never get: an official Red
my stomach - like when you drop on a roller coaster... it's Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air
all in my mind... I know, but my mind won't shut off - and rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells
results in real and terrible physical symptoms and reac- time. But, alas, I shall never get it. Obviously, the terrorists
tions... this fear began on airplanes - and has since moved have already won.
into my every day life... sometimes I feel like I am falling
for no reason at all, while driving, walking... and now - GLEN CALDER (GUITAR)
being on the second floor of a building is beginning to
become difficult... so it has now manifested itself into a
STRETCH ARM STRONG
The Promise Ring record Wood/Water. I can't find it
fear of heights... don't even make me think about taking anywhere.
an elevator to the top of some high rise... seriously... think- A new car. Mine is a piece.
ing about it sucks... and living it is totally irrational and
crazy -I know - and I realize that I sound nuts, but I can't
control my physical reactions (feeling like I am falling, ver- MATT TRAXLER (GUITAR)
tigo, feeling of being trapped, and more) when I think too BRANDTSON
much about it... so I just try to ignore the open atrium look- Scarlett Johansson joining me for breakfast- oh wait…
ing down onto the first floor at the mall, or a college, or realistic: Arrested Development season four or a movie.
where-ever I am... and I pray that the flight is as short as No more President Bush.
possible when I have to fly... it has nothing to do with
crashing & sometimes - I feel like even that would be a GRETA SALPETER (PIANO, VOCALS)
blessing, because at least I would be on the ground, and THE HUSH SOUND
my mind would forever be shut off... that's how much I Gershwin complete song book.
hate flying... A golden elephant so that I don't have to waste gas.
But it might fart.
CHRIS CARROLL (DRUMS)
MADISON FAIR MICHAEL SHEPARD (PIANO, VOCALS)
A vintage Journey “Escape” tour shirt. LOVEDRUG
To stop dying a little inside every time that I watch MTV. A laptop computer device.
An endearing friendship with Brad Pitt.
ANDREW W.K. (VOCALS)
ANDREW W.K. ISAAC STONE (VOCALS, BASS)
Total love for all. BURNS OUT BRIGHT
True reality. Mo' problems.
Mo' money.
CRAIG CHANEY (GUITAR/VOCALS)
EVERGREEN TERRACE SARAH BALLIET (CELLO/KEYBOARD)
I do believe that this year, I'm finally getting what I've MURDER BY DEATH
always wanted, but never found under the tree: A three Musicians' earplugs.
 For all the children in the world to hold hands and sing
in unison. Actually, that and a pony.
CHAD ROCHESTER (GUITAR)
BAUMER
Money to pay off debt.
A ‘75 reissue 5-string jazz bass that never goes out of
tune and 2 Ampeg 8x10 cabs that weigh just a little more
than a small child.
WILL NOON (DRUMS)
STRAYLIGHT RUN, BREAKING PANGEA
I actually think holidays like Christmas are awful and
terrible. If people get excited and happy during this time of
the year, with the "holiday spirit" that's fantastic. But more
often than not I see or hear about people who are slightly
depressed or more often stressed out. There's way too
much obligation and too many expectations placed on us
by no one in particular. Its just this holiday has grown into
some unworldly entity in and of itself. When people build
and put pressure on a hand full of days out of the year, like
Xmas, Channukkah, etc or birthdays, anniversaries etc, I
feel like it just gives people an excuse to be considerate
for one day, and it’s out of obligation so it doesn't even
really mean anything. Why not just act nice and consider-
ate and tell/show people that you love them and care
about them 365 days a year??
I just want everyone to be ok for Christmas, that's all.
RYAN SHELKETT (GUITAR,VOCALS)
LIARS ACADEMY, CROSS MY HEART,
DEAD RED SEA
Since Christmas has turned into such a materialistic
beast I decided on actually gifts.I did not want to be the
person who said "an end to world hunger or something
like that.”
Realistic: a new video game system. Ps3.
Unrealistic by the holidays: A new record label for
Liars Academy.
DAN GELLER (VOCALS)
I AM THE WORLD TRADE CENTER
To get a wii without the need to totally dork out and
wait outside at a Best Buy all night
My dog to develop the ability to communicate with
humans.
TODD KOLWASKI (BASS)
PROPAGANDHI
I would like a new pair of underwear from my mom.
(Very unrealistic) I would like for Jordan David
Samolesky to please stop farting.
DAVE HAUSE (VOCALS/GUITAR)
THE LOVED ONES
A pair of non sneakers, a fashionable man's shoe per-
haps.
A new Dillinger Four record.
NATE BOYKIN (VOCALS, KEYBOARD)
BAUMER
I told Santa I wanted a Zune MP3 player. I'm way late
on the whole mp3 player trend. I still use CD's.
Unrealistically, I want a new keyboard. Clavia Nord
Lead 2X. But I'm saving my monies so I can buy it for
myself. A nice "To Me From Me.”
Liars Academy’s Ryan Shelkett hopes Santa leaves a Playstation 3 under the tree on Christmas day. Or possibly a new
record label for his band who have regrouped after breaking up over a year ago.
DIXIE EARTHMOVER (ROAD CREW)
MURDER BY DEATH
A dependable vehicle: the van that I have is a hunk of
shit.
I hope that my mom's cancer subsides and she lives
for another 50 years.
TONIO GARCIA-ROMERO (DRUMS)
LOVE EQUALS DEATH
Adidas Sambas size 10.5
George W. Bush to be impeached and ousted from the
White House effective immediately.
JOSH MOORE (GUITAR/VOCALS)
CLASSIC CASE, BELOVED
A new pair of shoes that doesn't leak in the rain.
A Segway (you know those futuristic hovercraft two-
wheel upright mobility devices). I saw this cop on one at
the hospital, and I tried to beg him to let me try it out.
DENVER DALLEY
STATISTICS, DESAPARECIDOS, INTRAMURAL
The Bill and Ted's excellent adventure soundtrack. I
watched that movie the other day and there's this song in
the background when they meet Rufus in the future- its
called "In time" by Robbie Robb and I want to hear the full
version.
A wolf. I've always wanted an actual wolf. Or at least a
half wolf that really looks like a full one. I don't know the
legality of that, but it's just unrealistic for me to have any
type of dog right now, let alone a wolf.
HUGO (VOCALS)
THE SAINTE CATHERINES
I really wanna get all the Ron Hextall hockey cards
that I'm missing. I'm a hockey card collector and I am a
really big fan of the goalie Ron Hextall. I have more than
300 cards of him and I wanna get the ones I don't have.
They are kinda hard to find cuz he's not a popular player
but if you really look for it on ebay you might find some I
don't have. Last Xmas I had a Ron Hextall bobblehead fig-
urine and I freaked out. I just need it.
I would love to get a pair season tickets for the
Montreal Canadians. It's fucking expensive but I think it
would be the sickest thing in the world to see every single
game with a friend. It would be a good reason to stay
away from touring too... ''Oh sorry, we can only tour in the
summer... I have season tickets for the Canadians."
Respect.
PATRICK CARRIE (GUITAR/VOCALS)
LIMBECK
A new record player. I have one right now, but it's a bit
noisy, and doesn't have a cover, so it tends to get a bit
dusty. Nothin' fancy. Just a new record player.
I wish people could have the golden rule permanently
implanted in their heads. you know, the "treat other peo-
ple like you would like to be treated" rule? I think that a lot
of people would act a lot differently if they thought about
that before they acted. People should be nicer to each
other, and I think that would help.
JOEY LAROCCA (VOCALS, GUITAR)
THE BRIGGS
A new laptop.
My dream house.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SEAN RAYFORD
MY CHEMICAL THE BLACK
ROMANCE KEYS
The Black Parade Magic Potion
October 24, 2006 September 12, 2006
Reprise Records Nonesuch Records
Vampires and zombies and teenagers, oh my! My
On their fifth studio effort, The Black Keys once again
Chemical Romance's latest composition, The Black evoke the spirits of the Mississippi Delta in hopes of captur-
Parade, is still centered in singer Gerard Way's darkly fan-
ing more ears and wrenching more hearts. “Just Got to Me”
tastical subconscious, but this time he's stepping it up a bit. barrels out the gate to usher in the album and proves that,
Sure, the same energy that first got me excited about yes, white boys do in fact get the blues. “Your Touch” is
MCR during an uncomfortable drive to the bleakest corner fueled by one of Dan Auerbach's monster swamp-stomp riffs,
of New Jersey is present. But, there are also hidden treats
on the album that show a more versatile and adaptive side easily becoming the most addictive of the eleven tracks.
The B.B. King-esque “Strange Desire“ shows off
to these death-obsessed rockers. The title track of the
album is just that, a parade celebrating a darker more Auerbach's lugubrious and lamented vocals (“I don't want to
go to hell/but if I do/it'll be because of you”) over Pat Carney's
supernatural side in our lives equipped with marching band
and baton. well placed drum crunches. And “Modern Times” tips its cap
to Johnny Lee Hooker while still maintaining its originality.
Then, on “Mama”, the band uses their knowledge of
the occult to summon the spirit of Myron Floren (a One would think that the whiskey soaked blues-rock that
deceased polka musician) while Liza Minnelli shows us all this Akron based duo crank out would eventually become a
her grim side (who knew) by adding some background stagnant bore as the albums piled up, simply because these
vocals. guys are so fond of lo-fi recording techniques and a “less is
Sci-fi geeks and dreamers like myself should get a real more” attitude. But on Magic Potion, it's apparent that the
kick out of this record. I'm sure I'll see a lot of you in line at route they have chosen is the right one.
the comic book store in mid-2007 to pick up Way's take on Certainly, The Black Keys aren't anything new. Their
superheros called Umbrella Academy. sound isn't revolutionary. This has all been done before. And
yet, they play it so effortlessly and with such raw passion that
MCR gets some flack now and then for not being more
positive. But, what do they expect from a band that was they definitely won't go unnoticed in the years to come.
born from the September 11 tragedy. In a world that's full of William Logan
“why did you leave me?” love songs, it's nice to know there
are bands out there keeping an eye on the most tragic
event in our lives; our deaths.
Dewberry Mills
CAMERA
OBSCURA
Let’s Get Out of
This Country
June 6, 2006
Merge Records
Since their debut, Camera Obscura have endured
constant comparisons to fellow Glasgow band Belle &
Sebastian. On this, their third studio release, the band has
finally cast off the ominous B&S shadow and claimed their
own little spot in the world of whimsically morose dance
pop. And with the departure of vocalist and percussionist
John Henderson, it's been up to Tracyanne Campbell to
steer the band's musical helm and she does an exception-
al job.
The album is equal parts mellow country gold and six-
ties girl-group pop. Have you ever listened to The
Shirelles……on Xanax? If you answered “no,” then I rec-
ommend you give this one a whirl. If you answered “yes,”
we should start hanging out. Anyway, the subject matter
Campbell addresses herein revolves around lost love, jeal-
ousy, mistrust and of course depressing regret.
Songs like “Dorey Pevin” and “Country Mile” have a
certain “aww, shucks” quality that will have you scrambling
for a tissue and a stiff drink in no time. While the upbeat
numbers “If Looks Could Kill” and “I Need All The Friends I
Can Get” gracefully sway and swagger their way inside
your head for days.
Campbell and company have created a strong ten
song set here and seem to be comfortable in their new skin.
It's definitely an album you can pop in on a day off and
lounge about blissfully satisfied.
William Logan
DECEMBER 20, 2006 19
 ARIES
None of Clark’s new wax on your
sled, Aries. Remember, you had to
have that metal plate in your head
replaced with a piece of govern-
ment plastic because every time
Catherine revved up the
microwave, you’d piss your pants
and forget who you were for a half
hour or so. The new plate runs
right underneath your part ...and if
that thing gets dented then your
hair just ain’t gonna look right.
LEO
A group of European terrorists
has taken over a high-rise build-
ing for the millions of dollars in
the company vault. Though your
wife is among the hostages, just
play along and –Wait... What?
“Yippie-Ki-Yay, Motherf—ker?”
...Now, that’s just rude.
TAURUS
While doing battle with the furnace
in the basement your old man
wove a tapestry of obscenities
that, as far as we know, is still
hanging in space over Lake
Michigan. He will cheer up, howev-
er, once his leg lamp is delivered.
The Red Rider “Pump Action” BB
gun with the compass in the stock
that you want? ...You’ll shoot your
eye out, kid.
VIRGO
Dangit, Virgo, you’re over 900 units
short of your quota! Look, your clum-
siness and lack of rudimentary man-
ufacturing skills is due to genetics
and not solely to stupidity. You are
not a freakishly tall North Pole elf but
are, in fact, an adopted human.
There. I said it. Now, take the month
off, head to the city and find your real
father so the rest of us can get these
Etch-A-Sketches out in time for
Christmas.
GEMINI
You got a mouth on you, midget!
Why don’t you shut it, go unhook
your partner from the behemoth
in the women’s dressing room,
sober him up, slap the Santa
beard on him and plop a kid on
his knee so you guys can get
back to casing the joint? Once
mall security leaves all the loot
will be yours for the taking. Or will
it?
LIBRA
I’m at one with the Yuletide...
Know what I mean? So, it will be
a galdarned miracle when you
and your floor buffer unwittingly
help Santy Clause save
Christmas this year. Bobby and I
are glad to hear it. Aiiin’t that
right, Bobbay?
CANCER
Linus is right. I won’t let all this
commercialism ruin my Christmas.
Good grief! Cancer, you block-
head, what this horoscope needs
is a Christmas tree and some vel-
vety jazz.
SCORPIO
It’s just one kid, Scorpio. You and
Marv, the notorious “Wet Bandits,”
can’t handle one kid? There are no
more boobie traps in the house.
Just go in through the doggie door.
Trust me, you’ll be fine.

SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN AQUARIUS PISCES

“Santa Claus only brings presents
to them that's been good all year.
All the other ones, all the naughty
ones, he punishes! What about
you, Sagittarius? You been good
all year? You see Santa Clause
you better run boy! You better run
for your life!”
When Santa is kidnapped by the
Boogie Man, you and your ghoul-
ish brethren will have to pick up
the slack. Though you’re from
Halloween Town, you will still be
overcome with Christmas spirit.
After all, there’s something more
quaint about children throwing
snowballs instead of throwing
heads.
You seek to break the societal
chains that bind you to a life of
cheery carols and basic carpentry.
You want to be a dentist. But when
you leave the safety of home you,
Yukon Cornelius, and Rudolph will
be set adrift on a glittery chunk of
ice and will face a snowy monster
more hideous than your wildest
dreams.
You are the only person in the court-
room who believes that the home-
less guy on trial for vagrancy is actu-
ally Santa Claus. At the end of the
trial, bailiffs will bring in dozens of
sacks of letters. At first they may
appear to be letters to Santa. In
actuality, they’re public defecation
citations. ...This guy’s going away for
a long time.

Jonesin’ Crosswords "Gee, You're Quiet"--prepare for the silent treatment. BY MATT JONES

Across noises 26 British sailor, in slang

1 Startled silence
5 It gets you backstage
9 Styling stuff
12 Cookie that turns 100 in
2012
13 Oedipus's father (and mur-
der victim)
14 Memorial Day weekend
race, to fans
15 Guy whose job it is to rotate
tiny bugs?
17 Kind of boots
18 Counting Crows frontman
Adam
19 What a circle with a cross
underneath symbolizes
20 Gasoline measurements
23 Lunar features
25 Wisconsin wacko
26 The yellow one, in kid vid
27 It's between Norway and
Pakistan in the U.N.
28 Dryer materials
29 It moves when blinking
32 Wagon wheel groove
33 Subject at Wildebeest
Elementary School?
35 Bother
36 Sound from a leaking tire
37 Support for the arts?
38 Site of 1993 accords
39 Like crime dramas, often
41 Stiller role in two movies
43 Cure-all
45 Puts more water in the
squirt gun
46 Refrain sung with barnyard
20 DECEMBER 20, 2006
47 Fresh alternative
49 Leave off
50 The act of grinding your
teeth while thinking about
comedian Martin?
54 Branch home
55 Good looks sources
56 Andy Taylor's kid
57 Poll response
58 Low numero
59 Sommelier's choices
Down
1 Word after road or blanket
2 Cremains vessel
3 Black, White, or Andaman
4 "Sweeet!"
5 "1 Night in ___" (noted unau-
thorized sex video)
6 ___ It Cool News
7 Shipping shortcut
8 Borat's home country was
once one: abbr.
9 City of little magical crea-
tures near the Arctic Circle?
10 Painter Degas
11 Movie reviewer Jeffrey
13 Enticing sort
14 "___ Man" (1993 rap hit by
Positive K)
16 Get the guitar ready
19 "America's Most Wanted"
host John
20 Junkyard emanations
21 "The Stranger" novelist
22 Geologist's explanation?
24 "Invasion of Your Privacy"
glam-rock band
28 Want bad
30 Let the motor run
31 Opportunities, in metaphor
33 Company with TV ads of
irritated cavemen
34 G-Funk rapper ___ Dogg
38 Figure in a 1992 "SNL" con-
troversy
40 Blues-rocker Bonnie
41 Hats with tassels: var.
42 Couturier Cassini
43 Flower that's a traditional
symbol of China
44 Singer/songwriter Mann
45 Wanders aimlessly
48 Russo of 2005's "Yours,
Mine and Ours"
50 USMC rank
51 "___ Escape" (1999
PlayStation game)
52 Game designer Meier
53 "I'll Bet ___ Nice" (Beach
Boys song)
©2006 Jonesin' Crosswords
(editor@jonesincrosswords.co
m)
For answers to this puzzle,
call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents
per minute. Must be 18+. Or to
bill to
your credit card, call: 1-800-
655-6548. Reference puzzle
#0290.
 Rated PG-13, Happy Feet
(1:35), (3:55), 7, 9:50 Rated PG,
The Holiday 11:20, 1;50, 4:40, 7:20, 9:50
Rated PG 13 Nativity Story, The
937 Main Street, 803.254.8234 1, 3:55, 7, 9:50 Rated PG,
Showtimes nightly at 7:00 & 9:00 1:20
(3:00 matinee Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday) Nativity Story, The
Rated PG, Niight at the Museum
12/20 - 12/21Army of Shadows (1:15), 4:10, 7:20, 9:40 Rated PG
12/22 - 12/24 Boynton Beach Club One Night With the King 10:30, 11:15, 1, 1:45, 3:45, 4:30, 6:30, 7:15, 9:15, 10
12/26 - 12/28 House of Sand Rated PG,
(1:15), 4:10, 7:15, 9:45 The Pursuit of Happyness
REGAL CINEMA 7 COLUMBIA Rated PG 13
3400 Forest Drive, Suite 3000. Rocky Balboa
Rated PG, 10:50, 1:30, 4:10, 7, 9:40
Blood Diamond 12:30, 1;15, 3, 4:15, 5:30, 7:30, 8, 9:45
Rated R Rocky Balboa
1:00, 4:15, 7:10, 10:15 Turistas Rated PG
Rated R 11:50, 2;20, 5:10, 7:45, 10:20
Casino Royale
Rated PG-13 1:40, 4:30, 7:45, 10
Unaccompanied Minors
10
COLUMBIANA GRANDE CINEMAS Rated PG
Charlotte’s Web 11:45, 2:10, 4:50, 7, 9:30
Rated G, 1250 Bower Parkway
11:50, 12:20, 2:25, 2:50, 4:40, 5:10, 7:05, 7:35, 9:30 Apocalypto WeAre Marshall
The Holiday Rated R, Rated PG
Rated PG-13, 1:45, 8:15 10:40, 1:40, 4:30, 7:30, 10:30
12:45, 4:10, 7:20, 10:20
Borat: Cultural Learnings ofAmerica for Make THE BIG MO DRIVE IN
Night at the Museum Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan 5822 Columbia Highway North, Monetta
Rated PG Rated R, Take I-20 to exit 33 (SC Route 39)
11:45, 12:30, 2:20, 3:05, 4:50, 7, 7:30, 10:05, 10:30 9:25 Take SC 39 to Monetta, SC (approx. 7
Rocky Balboa miles.) Turn right onto US 1.
Rated PG, Charlotte’s Web The drive-in is approximately one mile
12, 2:30, 5, 7:40, 10:10 Rated G, down US 1 on the right.
11:45, 12:30, 2:20, 3:15, 5, 6:30, 7:30, 8:50, 9:30
CARMIKE WYNNSONG 10 - COLUMBIA Closed for the winter
5320 Forest Drive. Deck the Halls Thanks for making it a great year!
Rated PG,
Apocalypto 11:50, 2:30, 4:50, 7:05, PASTIME PAVILION CINEMA 8
Rated R, 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington, SC,
8 Eragon 29072
Rated PG
Black Christmas (No Fri. and Sat.) Apocalypto
12, 12:40, 2:40, 4, 5:20, 7:20, 8, 9:50, 10:25
Rated R Rated R
12:50, 3, 5:10, 7:20, 9:30 8
Good Shepherd
Rated R Charlotte’s Web
Eragon 11:30, 3:30, 5, 7:10, 10:15
Rated PG Rated G,
1:45, 4:15, 7, 9:30 11:40, 2:15, 4:40, 7, 9:30
Happy Feet
Rated PG, Eragon
Good Shepherd (12:20), 2:50, 5:15, 7:45
Rated R Rated PG
12:30, 1:30, 3:50, 5, 7, 8:15, 10:10
Happy Feet
Rated PG,
Pursuit of Happyness
Rated PG 13
12:15, 2, 3:40, 4:45, 6:50, 7:50, 10:15, 10:35
11:20, 1:50, 4:50, 7:20, 9:50
Happy Feet
Rated PG,
Did the gym membership work last year?
Professional Trainers Work
( (12:30), ((2:55), (5:20), 7:45, 10:10 11:35, 2:10, 4:45
Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, The
Pursuit of Happyness Rated G, Niight at the Museum
Rated PG 13 11:20, 1:35, 3:50, 6:05 Rated PG
1:30, 1:55, 4:10, 4:40, 7:05, 7:20, 9:45, 10 Unaccompanied Minors 11:30, 2, 4:30, 7;30, 10:15
Rated PG Pursuit of Happyness
Santa Clause 3 11:40, 2:15, 4:40, :15, 9:35 Rated PG 13
Rated G 11;15, 2:05, 5, 7:50, 10:30
1, 3:15, 5:30, 7:45, 10 WeAre Marshall
Unaccompanied Minors
Rated PG
Rated PG 13
1, 1:40, 4, 4:40, 7, 7:40, 10, 10:40 Rocky Balboa
Rated PG, ONE FREE
PERSONAL
1, 3:10, 5:20, 7:30, 9:40 11:50, 2:30, 5:10, 7:40, 10:10
AMCDutchSquare14
800 Bush River Rd., Columbia, SC, 29210 WeAre Marshall
WeAre Marshall
Rated PG
1, 2, 4, 5, 7:10, 8, 9:50, 10:30
Apocalypto
Rated R,
12:30, 3;40, 6:50, 9:45
Rated PG 13
12, 4;10, 7:10, 10 TRAINING
CARMIKE CINEMAS 14
122Afton Court. Black Christmas (No Fri. and Sat.)
Phoenix Theaters Columbia Place
Cinema 8 SESSION
Rated R
Babel Black Christmas Rated R
10:50, 1, 3:15, 5:30, 7:50, 10:20 1/31/07
Rated R, 12:05, 2:20, 4:35, 7:15, 9:40 EXP
(2:00), 5:00, 8:00 Casino Royale
Rated PG-13, Charlotte’s Web Rated G,
Blood Diamond 11:45, 1:55, 4:15, 7, 9:15, 12:10
12:45, 6:40
Rated R
1, 4, 7, 10 Charlotte’s Web
Rated G,
Deja Vu Rated PG-13,
12:30, 3:25, 3:45, 6:45, 9:25, 12:10
Get advice from an
Candyland
Rated G
10:30, 12:50, 3:10, 5:20, 7:40, 10
Eragon Rated PG
expert, Mark Neal, for-
1, 3
Casino Royale
Deja Vu
Rated PG-13,
11:50, 2:15, 4;30, 7:15, 9:35, 11:50 mer Mr.South Carolina
Rated PG-13,
(1:00), 4:00, 7:10, 10:00
3:50, 9;40 Niight at the MuseumRated PG
12:10, 2:30, 4;55, 7:25, 9:55, midnight
and owner of Nutrition
Deja Vu
Eragon
Rated PG Pursuit of Happyness Rated PG 13 Warehouse
Rated PG 13 11:30, 2, 4:45, 7:40, 10:15 11:30, 2:05, 4:45, 7:25, 9:50, 12:20

Nutrition Warehouse
1:30, 4:30, 7:30, 9:30 Good Shepherd
Rated R Rocky Balboa Rated PG,
Departed, The 12, 3:20, 6:45, 10:10 12:20, 2:40, 5:05, 7:3, 10
Rated R, 2 hr 30 min
(1:00), 4:00, 7:00, 9:30
1603 Broad River Road Boozer Shopping Center 803.216.0910
Fountain, The

DECEMBER 20, 2006 21

 Savage
Happy Holidays From
Our Family To Yours

Love
SEX ADVICE COLUMN
BY DAN SAVAGE

I'm a 20-year-old straight girl. For six months, I

was dating a guy I thought was nice and normal. One
Make your heating system way my boyfriend showed he cared, or so I thought,
was by massaging my feet after work (I wait tables to
more efficient with a Cleaning pay my tuition). Then he confessed that he has a foot

Only $69.99
>Clean and replace filters
>Clean Condenser Coil
>Clean and wax outdoor unit
>Clean debris at outdoor cabinet
>Check refrigerant levels
One system, One visit. 2nd system add $49.99
fetish. He wasn't rubbing my feet to be sweet or tender
or considerate, but for his own selfish reasons. I
dumped him. He was very upset and is still begging
me to take him back.
We had been talking about marriage, but that's
over now. I don't want to be with someone who has a
fetish. How can I know if he wants me back or just my
feet? I know a lot of freaks write to you, and I enjoy
reading about freaks, but I don't want to date a freak.
Where can I find a normal man?

803.754.9099 FREAKED OUT GIRL

I owe you an answer, FOG, considering the num-

ber of new assholes I've ripped you since your letter
arrived in September. At speaking gigs around the
country, I've held you up as a shining example of sex-
ual selfishness. Your most recent asshole dates from
my talk at Cornell two weeks ago, where I spoke to a
few hundred students about politics, dungeons, butt
plugs, and you. (Sorry I couldn't make porn night,
Risley, and thanks for everything, Lauren.)

On to your question: Where do you find a normal

man? I have no f--king idea, as I've never met one.
Kink and variance seem to be a natural, intrinsic
aspect of male sexuality. And while most men, like
your ex, fall on the mild end of the mild-to-wild contin-
uum, if you can't handle the odd nonnormal sexual
interest, FOG, I urge you to stop dating men, get a
vibrator, and pack it in.

But here's what I really want to say to you:

Those foot rubs were fine—they were wonder-

ful!—so long as you believed your boyfriend derived
no pleasure from them. The moment you learned he
enjoyed those foot rubs, you were no longer capable
of deriving any pleasure from them yourself.

You know what, FOG? You are the worst kind of

sex partner: judgmental, selfish, and cruel. Should
your boyfriend have come clean about his foot fetish
sooner? Sure, maybe a month or two earlier. But not
because you had some right to know what a freak he
was, FOG, but because it would have spared him from
getting more emotionally invested in a freakishly petty
and sexually immature dumbf--k.

I predict—no, I guarantee—that this is going to

come back to haunt you. There is a Karmic Rule of
Kink (KROK), FOG, and it goes something like this:
"Dump the honest foot fetishist and you will marry the
dishonest necrophiliac." Break up with a guy over his
relatively tame fetish and KROK will make sure your
next boyfriend is some lying corpse-f--ker who tells
you only what you want to hear. ("Honestly, honey, I
only like live girls!") Only after you've married the
corpsef--ker and had a few kids—once extricating
yourself from the marriage becomes a hugely compli-
cated ordeal—will he ask you to lie in a tub of ice until
you're good and cold.

And when you're lying in that tub of ice you'll

remember that sweet, harmless foot fetishist whose
heart you broke back in college, the man you could
have married.

savage@savagelove.net
22 DECEMBER 20, 2006
 Free Classifieds in Print & Online at www.columbiacitypaper.com
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Fill in the grid so that every row, column and
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SUPPER THYME USA
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803-2534160 ext 258
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23
24 DECEMBER 20, 2006