Contents NOVEMBER 22, 2006 VOLUME 2 ISSUE 8

PUBLISHER Paul F. Blake

803.446.3458 - paul@columbiacitypaper.com
MANAGING EDITOR Todd Morehead
803.740.9090 - todd@columbiacitypaper.com
NEWS EDITOR Corey Hutchins
803.261.6874 - corey@columbiacitypaper.com
“FUGGETABOUTIT”
WHY WE SHOULDN’T WORRY ABOUT IRAN
PAGE 4 CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sean Rayford
803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com

News.Politics.Commentary
IRAQ CORRESPONDENT David Axe
david@columbiacitypaper.com
D.C. CORRESPONDENT Chris McCarter
mccarter@columbiacitypaper.com
LETTERS TO THE READER/TALKBACK 3 MOVIES Deric Kempsell
NEWS MORE ON FIVE POINTS ASSOCIATION 5
CRACKING THE NEW CITY PARK BENCH ORDINANCE 6 THE ANGRY WHALE Sean Rayford
THE BUM BEAT 7 803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com
THE GOOD FIGHT RACIST SYMBOLS IN THE LOWCOUNTRY 9 GENERAL SALES MANAGER A.J. Taylor
HOLIDAY HORROR A FAMILY CONFESSION 10 803.920.0877 - aj@columbiacitypaper.com
MR. MEANER’S CRIME WATCH CRACKHEADS & CAR JACKINGS 11 NOW HIRING COMMISSION ONLY
STATE HOUSE REPORT DO DEMOCRATS NEED THE SOUTH? 14
TED RALL MORE ON WAR 15 CIRCULATION MANAGER John Starino

Arts.Entertainment.Etc
PAGE 5 803.463.8297 - john@columbiacitypaper.com

PAGE 17 CONTRIBUTORS
Polly Baker, Arik Bjorn, Andy Brack, Joe Fotalatte,
David Martin, Aaron McGruder, Ted Rall, Sarah
SOUNDBOARD PUNK/SKA AND FEELING LIKE ‘96 16 Maddocks, Dan Savage, Cathy Warner
THE ANGRY WHALE PONY RIDES AND EXPLODING SPHINCTERS 17
HOROSCOPES GOV. SANFORD, MAN OF VISION 20 Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the
JONESIN’ CROSSWORD CUTTING CORNERS 20 entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia
City Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 each. Views expressed
DERIC SPOILS THE MOVIE CASINO ROYALE 21 do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper
NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD & SAVAGE LOVE A CLASSY COMBO 22 or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC
CONFESSIONS OF A RECEEDING HAIRLINE 22
SU DO KO & FREE CLASSIFIEDS FREE ADS AT COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM 23 COLUMBIA CITY PAPER
701 Gervais Street, Suite 150-218
Columbia, SC 29201
803.256.6670

2 NOVEMBER 22, 2006

 Talk Back!
Dear City Paper,
Thank you for the wonderful article about the
guy who got his car stuck on the Five Points
median. It's this kind of cutting edge journalism
that keeps me reading your paper week after
week.
Wow! What a day, huh?
Five Points hasn't seen that much excite-
ment since Kevin Bacon was spotted filming his
movie in the alley between Pecknel and Gourmet
Shop.
I'd like to start by saying thank you to Officer
Rouppasong for using his discretion in this most
embarrassing matter and not ticketing the driver.
If it were my grandparents driving that same car I
certainly would not want them to be ticketed. I
hope that I can get a break like that when I'm old
and senile. Man, I would have pissed myself out
of sheer terror.
I would like to point out however the "No
Entry From 7AM-5PM" and the "No Left Turn"
signs posted at this particular intersection. Now, I
realize with all the construction going on, that the
roads in Five Points can appear unfamiliar.
Okaaaay...but that "No Left Turn " sign has been
there for as long as I can remember and I've lived
here all my life. That "No Left Turn" sign was
there long before the eighteen-inch median was
built. Hey, I'm not one to judge. Just the other day
I saw a bunch of Kappa Alpha’s in their Dad's
Chevy Tahoe drive over that thing like it was a
speed bump. Median? What median? I'm just
glad no one was hurt.
Let's be safe out there everyone and
remember that being old and senile is no excuse
for driving like a jackass.
O'Doyle rules!
Ed Goodwin
Columbia

City Paper invites timely letters about subjects in our

publication. Correspondence must include a daytime
telephone number. Letters may be edited for length,
taste, and clarity. By mail: Letters to the Editor, Columbia
City Paper, 701Gervais St. Suite 150-218, Columbia,
SC, 29201; by email: corey@columbiacitypaper.com.

Letters to the Reader available, her ex saw what you had on your mind, I will wager Black Friday 20% Off
On Nov. 24 all oils, candles, books,
Dear Thanksgiving Dinner, that it would warrant you to be decked by him. You may think you
Uncle Leon, we know that turkey has tryptophan in it and that it are a studwiser, let me tell you to wise up, for no one wishes to
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Columbia City Paper
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Columbia City Paper
Conscious Creations
Dear guy with too much cologne,
Only a dab’ll do you, dude. (Cough.) Read the instructions on the Dear New High Speed Internet Commercial,
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Columbia City Paper ton on the remote then they’re either deaf... or that
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Dear Brew Pub, Columbia City Paper
How do you resist the urge to soak in those giant beer vats?
Man, if I were a bartender there I’d pretend those vats were beer- Dear Days of our Lives,
filled hot tubs, slide on a Speedo, and slip into a vat of stout. We have faith that Beau and Hope will work through
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Columbia City Paper sion chamber. Sammi, your reunion with Lucas is not
“just about whipped cream and breaking the bed.” He
Dear Gamecock/Inferno Player, wants to reunite with you and your son who has some-
You may be able to eat a puck with your teeth, yet you will not how gone from infant to teenager in three seasons.
endear yourself to a woman, especially a bartender of one of And, despite the fact that John Black has had the exact
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your Dixie Cup insulator will not protect you from being slapped if Stephano’s plan comes to fruition. We’ll keep you all
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on the lace undergarment of an employee sorting napkins in a Columbia City Paper
bottom drawer. Let me tell you even though she may appear
NOVEMBER 22, 2006 3

On Oct. 19, a small army of militiamen loyal to
Shi’ite Iraqi cleric Moqtada Al Sadr invaded the remote
desert city of Al Amarah in the southern province of
Maysan on the Iranian border. In a two-day gun battle
that killed more than a dozen people, the militia routed
the city’s corrupt, incompetent police force and
assumed responsibility for security in the restive,
impoverished city of 400,000.
Immediately, pundits in the United States labeled
the militia an insurgent group and pointed to the Al
Amarah takeover as evidence that Shi’ite-dominated
Iran was turning the Iraq conflict into a proxy war with
the West.
But the pundits are wrong, according to British
officers closest to the fighting. They say militias are not
insurgents, and there is no evidence of direct Iranian
involvement in Iraq. The Al Amarah episode represents
business as usual in a region where religious parties,
desert tribes and their militias are at least as powerful
as the elected government and its security forces. And
in many cases, the non-elected powers are more pop-
ular, more effective and more important to Iraq’s long-
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term future.
Bad Cop, Bad Cop
Southern Iraq’s historically thuggish police are at
the root of problems in Al Amarah and throughout the
region.
Of all Iraq's security forces, the regular uniformed
police are the most numerous, the most visible, and
the most vital to maintaining security in this troubled
country. They're the ones in the best position to stop
terrorism and civil strife where they start: on the
streets. They're also the most corrupt and the least reli-
able of Iraq's security forces.
British Army Lieutenant Colonel David
Labouchere, 43, whose 600 troops patrol Maysan from
temporary desert bases, says that the province’s
police extort bribes from 90 percent of residents; in
Basra, 120 miles south, just seven percent of civilians
are similarly extorted. Police corruption in Maysan is
“on an industrial scale,” according to British Army
spokesman Major Charlie Burbridge.
Worse, police in Basra and elsewhere in south-
ern Iraq are suspected of operating “death squads”
On Militias, Marsh
Arabs and Iran’s
“Grand Design”
THESE DAYS EVERYONE’S SCARED OF
IRAN MEDDLING IN IRAQ. HERE’S WHY
YOU SHOULDN’T WORRY.
STORY AND PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID AXE
that prowl the cities at night, abducting and murdering
former Ba’athists and anyone suspected of aiding
coalition forces. It was one of these squads that appar-
ently murdered American reporter Steve Vincent in
Basra last year. “One thing the average Baswari fears
is that white pickup with the blackened window,"
Burbridge says, referring to the death squads' pre-
ferred mode of transport.
By most estimates, police in southern Iraq are a
source of disorder rather than a solution.
The Shi’ite militias, on the other hand, are all
about order. The traditional brand of Islam they enforce
prohibits the sale of alcohol and Western-style enter-
tainment, limit’s the role of women in public life and
punishes thieves with death or dismemberment. As
society in southern Iraq is deeply traditional and “tribal
to a feudal extent,” in Labouchere’s words, most resi-
dents welcome the militias’ brand of justice. And they
would certainly prefer it over the special kind of law-
lessness the police sow.
So the militia takeover of Al Amarah was likely a
welcome one from the point of view of most residents
of the city. And it represents a reaction to the poor state
of the police more than it does any grand design on the
part of some external party such as the Iranian govern-
ment in Tehran.
“There is no evidence of Iranian involvement in
southern Iraq,” Burbridge says. Iranian influence, on
the other hand, is widespread -- but that is an artifact
of geography and ancient history, not necessarily a
reflection of recent Iranian policy.
Marsh Arabs Do It on Boats
On Sept. 28, a Royal Air Force Merlin helicopter
swoops low over Maysan’s marshes, over the heads of
fishermen poling narrow boats along winding chan-
nels. Reeds bend and water ripples under the chop-
per’s rotor blast. The fishermen shield their eyes to
gaze up at the roaring machine.
It’s a typical encounter in the swampy border-
lands. Here, more than 10,000 crude fishing boats ply
the wetlands that straddle the border, providing suste-
nance to tens of thousands of Shi’ite “Marsh Arabs”
who populate teeming villages that aren’t marked on
any map.
CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

The deeply tribal Marsh Arabs move freely
between Iraq and Iran. For the British and federal
Iraqi forces whose jobs it is to intercept smuggled
weapons and foreign infiltrators, the Marsh Arabs
are a persistent headache. And for American politi-
cos, they represent the middle swath of a radical
Islamic “Shi’ite crescent” with one end in Iran and
another in Hezbollah-controlled southern Lebanon.
There’s a widespread belief among senior
Western and Iraqi leaders that Iran has infiltrated
southern Iraq, and now channels weapons and
expertise to restive Shi’ite militias while exercising
secret control over regional police and politicians.
Or worse.
“There are growing indications that U.S. troops
are facing attacks from Shi’ite elements, in addition
to Sunni nationalist and jihadist insurgents,” influen-
tial security think tank Strategic Forecasting report-
ed on October 18. It attributed the attacks to
“Iranian-backed … militants”.
But Labouchere says that any Iranian influ-
ence is a result of a long and tragic history, one that
coalition forces should understand before letting
fears of Iranian infiltration influence policy.
For 4,000 years the Marsh Arabs have inhab-
ited what is now southern Iraq. For much of that his-
tory they were ignored by the various governments
that rose and fell in the region. The result is a xeno-
phobic, deeply traditional society where tribal lead-
ers are the highest authority -- and where political
borders are largely irrelevant.
Not that those political borders are always
clear. Maysan’s marshes are a shifting landscape
devoid of permanent features. Labouchere asks
how you mark a border in such a place? “The divi-
sion between Iran and Iraq is, at places, fuzzy,” he
says. So fuzzy that, two years ago, eight British ser-
vicemen were briefly detained by the Iranian military
after accidentally crossing into Iranian waters while
delivering boats to the Iraqi Navy.
If British troops can’t tell where Iraq ends and
Iran begins, how can anyone expect illiterate Marsh
Arab fisherman to know and care -- especially
when, from their shared point of view, borders are
matters of tribe and marriage, not politics and inter-
national agreement?
Even the ethnic and linguistic divisions that, in
the minds of many, separate Iraq and Iran are unim-
portant to Marsh Arabs. Most Iraqis are Arabs
speaking Arabic. Most Iranians are Persians speak-
ing Farsi. But the people of Maysan have married
across that invisible border for so many generations
that “Marsh Arabs” is only half accurate any more.
Many Marsh Arabs have some Persian blood and
speak both Arabic and Farsi. What matters to them
are ancient tribal allegiances born of marriage and
cemented by their shared Shi’ite faith.
Which is why Saddam Hussein hated the
Marsh Arabs. Their religious fervor ran contrary to
his secular Sunni sensibilities and their mixing with
Iranians violated his nationalistic hatred of the
Persian country. Hussein diverted the Tigris and
Euphrates Rivers, drying up 80 percent of
Maysan’s marshes, killing unrecorded thousands
of Marsh Arabs and forcing thousands more to flee
into Iran. After tribal forces liberated Maysan in
advance of the coalition’s arrival in March 2003,
many of those former refugees began returning to
Maysan, bringing with them their Persian brides,
Persian habits and their Farsi-speaking children.
And they brought along Iranian business relation-
ships.
So when an Iraqi Marsh Arab’s boat slips
across the border into Iran then returns hours later,
it’s probably not because the man is smuggling
Iranian weapons or carrying secret orders to
Iranian-backed militants. It’s because he is a prod-
uct of his history, and all this talk of “Iraq” and
“Iran” seems, to him, fleeting.
And when Al Sadr’s militia seizes control of a
lawless city, its goal is probably to restore order.
It’s not coincidence that the militia’s idea of order
looks a lot like Tehran’s; it’s history. But that does
not make the militia the vanguard of an Iranian
invasion.
FIVE POINTS ASSOCIATION
“IN GOOD STANDING”
As of Friday, The Five Points Association (FPA)
has still not provided proper financial filings for the
year 2005 and missed the Nov. 15 deadline on the
extension the secretary of state granted them for
those filings.
When asked what the next steps would be, an
official at the office of the secretary of state told City
Paper, “We’ll fine them.”
The Five Points Association filed for an exten-
sion after a previous article in City Paper detailed
their 2004 financials and their failure to file for 2005.
However, Melissa Dunlap, the secretary of state’s
chief-of-staff now say the association is in “good
standing.”
City Paper filed a records request in May and
again in September requesting the following:
1. Staff salaries for the years 1995-2006
2. Financial statements and budgets for fiscal
years 2005 & 2006
3. All bank statements for years 2005-2006
4. Minutes from past 12 board meetings
5. Salary, commission, expenses and any other
compensation paid to Jack Van Loan for years
2005 & 2006
6. Salary, commission, expenses and any other
compensation paid to Skip Anderson for years
2005 & 2006
7. Detailed recipients of beer sale commissions
and recipients of wristband sales commissions
On Oct. 19, the association responded to City
Paper’s request with a brief letter:
“In response to your FOIA request, The Five
Points Association, upon consultation with attorney
Richard Harpootlian, has been advised that under
the laws of our corporate status we are not required
to turn over the requested records. However, The
Five Points Association will be glad to provide you
with all requested items at the rate of $35 per hour
plus copying costs.”
Unfortunately for the Five Points Association,
S.C. code states differently.
City Paper General Counsel Bryan Alexander
sent a follow-up letter to the association on Nov. 7.
“…[A]n organization, corporation, or agency support-
ed in whole or in part by public funds or expending
public funds is a “public body” under FOIA,”
Alexander explained. “Your initial copying rate of $35
per hour plus copying costs is unreasonable,” he
added, “and could be construed as an attempt to
obstruct CCP from examining the documents
requested.”
The Five Points Association continues to avoid
general financial questions such as where the beer
commissions go on St. Patty’s day. Instead, they
cloud the real issues with accusations that these
questions are somehow bad for Five Points and are
preventing people from shopping here.
On a positive note, the association has begun
to spend money on a new advertising campaign
called “Free Generica” for the area of Five Points.
The campaign is intended to entice shoppers to the
unique shopping village. Advertisements will be
placed in The State newspaper, Jolie, Free Times
and The Gamecock. Locally owned and Five Points-
based Columbia City Paper (a dues-paying member
of the Five Points Association) has offered to donate
free ad space for the campaign but the association
has not responded.
NOVEMBER 22, 2006 5
 Move it or lose it
COLUMBIA POISES ITSELF FOR NEW PARK BENCH ORDINANCE
BY TODD MOREHEAD
It was a beautiful Thursday afternoon in
Columbia’s business district, a perfect day for me to
sit on a park bench in front of the Columbia Museum
of Art and wait for police to arrest me. Across the
street a cruiser was parked in front of Rising High.
The occupant was out walking his beat and keeping
the city in check, I supposed, though he had yet to
notice the criminal (me) who had stationed himself
directly in his line of sight. That’s right, a criminal. I
had been sitting, no actually lounging, on that bench
for over an hour. When I was caught I would face the
difficult choice between a $500 ticket or 30 days in
jail.
On Oct. 25, Columbia City Council voted unan-
imously on a proposal to make it illegal for a person
to occupy a municipal bench for more than one hour.
In theory the proposal would deter the homeless
from essentially camping out on city benches. But
how practical is the law? How would they enforce it?
So far on that Thursday afternoon on Main Street no
one had even taken notice of me.
Then the word “proposal” popped back into my
head... wait a minute.
I called Columbia City Councilman Kirkman
Finlay.
“It’s not actually a law yet,” he said. “We’ve only
had one reading on it. We’re going to vote on it again
sometime before Christmas.”
Damnit.
Another police cruiser had stopped at the traffic
light. The cop at the wheel nodded a polite “hello.” I
could have been laying there in a sleeping bag
and—for the time being at least—it wouldn’t have
made a difference. There would be no vagrancy
charges added to my rap sheet after all.
Still, I wondered how they planned to enforce
this ordinance should it pass. Back before the park-
ing meters in Five Points, a meter maid would walk
around and put a chalk stripe on car tires to gauge
The Boondocks
6 NOVEMBER 22, 2006
how long they’d been parked. Short of putting a
chalk checkmark on a sleeping bum, how could law
enforcement possibly know how long someone has
been sitting on a bench? I asked Finlay how he
thought the police would keep track of bench squat-
ters.
“The idea is just to have a cop walking his reg-
ular beat,” he said casually. “If the same people are
sitting there an hour later...”
When asked if City Council received any back-
lash from the proposal, Finlay replied that some citi-
zens had voiced concerns. But he pointed out that
City Council simply wants to extend the bench ordi-
nance that already exists in parks out to the city and
said that he doesn’t think the new ordinance will be
a major inconvenience.
Even after my conversation with Councilman
Finlay, I found that I still had more questions than
answers. Let’s not mince words here: the ordinance
is to keep the homeless from camping out on the
benches. Certainly leniency would be shown to an
honest citizen who was simply engrossed in a good
book and lost track of time. Yet, at times it’s hard for
me to make the distinction between a wino and a
shabbily dressed English professor. What if a cop
had a similar problem and ticketed a tax-paying citi-
zen simply through a case of mistaken identity?
If it’s a question of a bench sitter’s appearance,
then let’s say you’ve got a bearded slob in dirty rags
who’s checking the Dow industrial report on a laptop
and on the other bench you’ve got a clean-cut guy in
a suit asleep under a newspaper. Which one do you
ticket?
I asked those very questions to Mayor Coble’s
office and so far they haven’t responded.
Maybe it will be a while before the city can
come up with a practical solution to the homeless
problem. In the meantime we citizens will remain on
the edge of our seats... until a cop comes along and
tells us to move on.
AARON MCGRUDER
 The Bum Beat
BY COREY HUTCHINS
When City Paper first
sees her from behind she
looks like a displaced Inuit.
Dressed in a long hooded
Eskimo parka, the woman
pulls two crumpled bills and
a fistful of change from a
massive front coat pocket
and dumps it onto the count-
er of the College Mart in
Five Points shortly before 5
a.m. on a Wednesday. With
two skeletal hands the fum-
bling, shaking woman sepa-
rates the bills from the
coinage and pushes two
36-ounce King Cobra malt liquor bottles toward
the register.
“Cold out there,” she mumbles once then
turns around.
From deep inside her up-turned hood a
weathered face appears, wrinkled and scoured
pink as if from permanent windburn. When she
smiles her teeth look like crooked, rotting fence
posts, her pine-straw hair the consistency of
frayed electrical wire short-circuited by years of
overindulgence, malnourishment and early morn-
ing late-autumn booze runs to the closest 24-
hour bodega.
While the man behind the counter continues
a conversation about a previous attempt to help
a former City Paper Bum of the Week find a job,
the old lady turns and says, “You always got to
in 500 words or less
work.” What comes next is a
sputtering of incomprehensible
syllables strung loosely togeth-
er with a coughing fit and a few
awkwardly placed laughs that
sound more like squealing trac-
tor trailer brakes or a bad door
hinge on a bomb shelter. The
store clerk hurriedly bags and
double-bags the King Cobras.
He knows it could go either way
from here.
“It’s dangerous out here,”
he says nodding toward the
street as the woman turns
toward the door.
Out in the parking lot she
reiterates her mantra about
“always having to work” as the two King Cobra
bottles bang together at her sides, her boney
hands clawing the plastic handles of the bags,
her head-to-toe jacket sand tan and dirty, her
face a continuous lopsided smile that seems
more a saw-tooth grin in the pre-dawn hours of a
morning closing in on Halloween.
For a while she stands motionless in the
angled shadows of the parking lot, only her white
bags moving with the wind and the shifting vol-
ume of her malt liquor. Nearby someone lights a
cigarette. On Harden Street the braided wire of
the streetlights creak in the wind. A road sign rat-
tles. The lady looks up at the moon, squints hard,
and after a while turns in the direction of Martin
Luther King, Jr. Park and scuffles along.
NOVEMBER 22, 2006 7
 Perry Bible Fellowship BY NICK GUREWITCH

8 NOVEMBER 22, 2006

theGood Fight
STILL DEALING WITH RACIST
SYMBOLS IN S.C. PUBLIC PLACES
BY WILL MOREDOCK
Founder of Columbia’s
former Point newsweekly
A few decades ago traveling carnivals such as the Coastal
Carolina Fair were a very different kind of entertainment. Sure
there were the rides and games, the wonderful food, the bright
lights and crowds.
It was all there but there was something else. There were
the “freak shows,” featuring dwarfs and the two-headed calf and
the Tattooed Lady and the 600-Pound Man, and “More! More!
More!” as the barker broadcast from the front of the tent.
And there was more, if you moved on to the next
tent. I’m talking about the “hoochie-koochie” girls who took their
clothes off to entertain the swains, farmers and mill hands in the
heart of Jesus Country.
Over the years the freaks and the strippers were sent pack-
ing as traveling carnivals made themselves more family-friendly.
But clearly there’s still work to be done, as the recent spat over
racist T-shirts at the Coastal Carolina Fair demonstrated.
To recap: A vendor was selling shirts featuring Confederate
flags and the words, “Confederately Correct Civil Rights for
Southern Whites.” When Deanna Bernstein saw the T-shirts, her
“stomach turned,” she told The Post and Courier. She asked the
vendor to remove the shirts from view, then requested fair offi-
cials to take action. Both refused, so Bernstein staged a one-
woman protest at the entrance of the fair and was arrested for
trespassing.
After the initial report, the P&C received an astonishing
amount of hate mail and phone calls directed at Bernstein.
Some of it was focused on the fact that she’s from California and
has a Jewish name. Bernstein also received hate mail, phone
calls and threats at her home.
One of the e-mails to the P&C was from a man who iden-
tified himself as commander of the American National Socialist
Workers (Nazi) Party, who wrote, “The only tragedy in this case
is that her count of trespassing doesn’t carry a sentence of exe-
cution. Lynching her and burning her home in the manner of the
Union armies she so loves would set a just example for the com-
munity.”
What can we make of this T-shirt flap?
Chip Boling, president of the Coastal Carolina Fair, said
that Bernstein was warned that no political demonstrations or
activities were allowed on the fairgrounds. Bernstein was arrest-
ed when she refused to stop her protest. Boling somehow deter-
mined that the T-shirt in question, with references to race, histo-
ry and civil rights, was not a political statement, but Bernstein’s
protest was.
It is impossible for an aware and reasonable person to not
find this T-shirt offensive. Assuming the shirt might have slipped
the notice of Boling and his staff, Bernstein’s complaint should
have resulted in its prompt removal. The fact that Boling did not
act says much about him.
The P&C featured Chip Boling in one of its High Profile sto-
ries on Oct. 28. He came across as an affable rube, a farmer by
birth and career. His regular job is with the Clemson Extension
service, where I would wager 99 percent of his colleagues and
coworkers are white.
As a member of the Exchange Club – which he extolled for
its “patriotism and Americanism” – Boling was tapped to head
the Coastal Carolina Fair. He may be a great farmer, great patri-
ot and great American, but he clearly is not equipped to deal with
the nuances of public policy in a multicultural fishbowl like the
Coastal Carolina Fair. He has probably gotten away with this
kind of crap down on the farm all his life and never thought twice
about it, but he was in the spotlight at CCF and he blew it. Let’s
hope someone else is calling the shots at the fairgrounds next
year.
How could an incident like this have happened in 2006 you
ask?
Three days after Bernstein was arrested at the fairgrounds,
America went to the polls. From coast to coast, voters replaced
Republicans with Democrats in congressional and statehouse
races. Even in Virginia, North Carolina, Georgia and Florida
Democrats picked up a U.S. Senate seat and several House
seats. But in South Carolina, not only did Republicans hold onto
all their congressional seats; they increased their hold on
statewide executive offices.
This violent, ill-tempered little state continues to live in fear
of the future, of black people, of multiculturalism. The white
majority lashes out at all three with their Confederate flag, their
racist T-shirts, their angry letters to local newspapers. And they
lash out with their lockstep subordination to the Republican
Party. The GOP remains the White People’s Party, a perfect
index of this state’s sublimated white supremacy. And as long as
the Republicans keep their death grip on state politics and cul-
ture we will continue to have embarrassments like the recent
incident at the Coastal Carolina Fair.
NOVEMBER 22, 2006 9
 Leaving the Holiday Monster
A FAMILY CONFESSION
OF SPOUSAL ABUSE
BY PAUL BLAKE
I remember the first time Victor beat my sis-
ter.
My sister Maureen called and described it in
detail. He had actually hit her a couple of times
she said but this was the first time she called the
cops. Prior, he had pummeled her arm repeat-
edly while she was holding her daughter. During
the most recent outbusrt she called 911. The call
was recorded. While Maureen was on the phone
with the police Victor hurled a picture frame at her
head. The glass rained down on her and on the
baby in her arms. The 911 operator couldn't
believe it and made Maureen stay on the line until
the police arrived. Victor fled and the police
department began learning what many in town
already knew. It appeared as though Victor had
some serious personality flaws.
I had just graduated USC and was living in
Florida. Life was pretty good for me so I immedi-
ately told my boss I needed some time off bea-
cause off a family emergency.
I rented a U-Haul and was ready to move
my sister away from Victor. I literally showed up
with a moving truck. At that time she had two
kids.
She didn't want to move and chose to try to
work things out. Who could blame her? There
isn't a great dating scene when you have two tod-
dlers.
But things were worse than I thought.
Several months later, he had a nuptial
agreement drawn up that his own attorney
described as “draconian.” He began coercing
her into signing it. It started off with minor
threats, and led to him cutting off money for her
and the children completely. Finally, after he
threatened her with divorce if she didn't sign,
Maureen caved.
She told him at the time, “I'll sign it now but
this document is invalid because the terms are
completely unreasonable and you've been coerc-
ing me.”
Victor Parente has a history of domestic abuse
and now goes by the name “Victor Blake”
I had seen the psychotic behavior multiple
times and it got worse each time. Our first
Christmas together, Victor was screaming about
someone using the breadboard as a cutting
board; really trivial shit that most people would
ignore. But it wasn’t trivial for Victor. And it seri-
10 NOVEMBER 22, 2006
B EATEN WITH
POEM BY
THE B IBLE
P AUL B LAKE
B ELT
ously ruined every-
one's Christmas Eve.
The guy turned out to QUOTATIONS DO NOT MAKE THE RIGHTEOUS
be a monster and car- DEEP HATRED FOR THE DIFFERENT
ried on alll evening. He PASSES DOWN THE TREE
was yelling at the top
of his lungs for what DO NOT QUESTION, LISTEN TO ME
seemed like hours that
Christmas Eve. LEAGUE OF THE SOUTH WILL HAVE NO 1ST
Something like this PLACE
happened at least
GUNS DON'T SPREAD JESUS' PEACE
once every visit.
TRUTH WILL RISE AGAIN
Material items
were more important IT IS MY RIGHT TO COMMIT THIS SIN
than the people around
MOUNTED DEER HEAD, SHOT A DOVE
him. Yelling at the kids,
bossing Maureen TAKE ROOT EARLY, SPREAD FALSE LOVE
around and anytime he IT PASSES DOWN THE TREE
heard something like DO NOT QUESTION, LISTEN TO ME
laughter from his step
children he would run in Maureen Blake shows bruises from spousal abuse that took place in September of 2000.
and immediately put them to work on menial It was incredibly sad because my sister is a GO PICK OUT A BRANCH
chores. great mother and they weren’t sent away I WILL TEACH YOU RIGHT
I remember one Christmas Day he told the because of her. But let's face it: no judge would YOU HATE NOW, YOU WILL THANK ME
kids they couldn’t open their presents until they risk his job by putting children in the custody of a DO NOT QUESTION, JUST LISTEN TO ME
changed into church clothes. It may not sound known child abuser. Maureen continued to be an
like a big deal but it was the way it was done. amazing Mom and drove there overnight some
BURNING CHURCHES YIELD BLACK SMOKE
Right when they ran down to the tree and started weekends just to see them.
to open with glee, there he was The Grinch him- The monster continued though. A DIRECT RESULT, THE MINDSET I SPOKE
self. What’s really screwed up is that I can’t even HYPOCRISY IS THE FRUIT OF YOUR TREE
On their wedding day he threw his own recall the latest incident. Maybe I’ve just blocked YOUR COLDNESS HAS SET ME FREE
father out of his house for smoking. His Dad it out, but it is all the same bullshit. Year after
stood outside his year, day after day, and YOU SPEAK RIGHT, IT'S TRUTH YOU SAY
house and said,
“I'll never set foot
“Victor’s father had called each domestic violence
victim makes the same
WHITE RIGHT WINGS GO FLY AWAY
in that asshole's
house again.”
him an asshole on his own excuses for staying.
He’s always con-
FIND YOUR PERFECT PLACE AND STAY
Victor’s
father had called
own wedding day” trolled her. He controlled
money. He controlled
him an asshole on his own wedding day. If we everything. For years I couldn’t even have a con-
only knew at the time what an understatement versation on the phone without him yelling in the
that was. background forcing her to rush off. It was scary. It
My family is comprised of four boys, a girl was like trying to talk to a prisoner of war.
and two fantastic Pleasantville-type parents. My For years we couldn't even talk to her.
folks are Roman Catholic and were pretty strict Until now.
with her, so it left this need for her to please them She finally left him because of yet another
with whoever she dated. But that’s all normal incident of spousal and child abuse. I think he hit
family stuff and Victor’s defects aren’t our fault. one of my newest nieces; honestly I just can’t
Maureen’s first marriage was with a black keep up. I couldn’t be more thankful my sister
jazz musician. We all loved him and my brothers now has the courage to leave this abuser. For the
used to jam with him and go see him play in first time in recent years I am actually visiting her
clubs. Our first Christmas with him was com- and my nieces and nephew, without the holiday
prised of music and laughter. In retrospective, it monster.
was much different than our first Christmas with I’m leaving this week to spend
Victor. But the jazz musician wasn’t our Mom’s Thanksgiving with them. I plan on using the cut-
favorite choice. ting board, running through the home office,
So when Maureen was hitching up with mil- laughing and most of all enjoying the time I spend
lionaire Victor , lets just say our mother was a lit- with my sister, nieces and nephew rather than
tle starry-eyed. It turns out money isn’t anything, worrying over the proper use of kitchen utensils
and I think now even my conservative mom miss- or other material things of Victor’s. Mostly, I’ll be
es the black jazz musician. celebrating that my sister is no longer one of
But back to the holiday monster. I don’t those material things.
know how Maureen dealt with him year after
year.
There were multiple beating incidents but
one of the incidents that involved the police was
when he hit my niece. Victor punched her right in
the head and the force of it knocked her into a
wall. She was eight or nine years old at the time.
Unfortunately that incident got Victor exact-
ly what he wanted. No more step children. Victor
was prevented from having custody of my niece
and nephew via a court order.
 Mr. Meaner’s
CRIME REPORT
THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THESE EVENTS ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. THE
ACCOUNTS COME DIRECTLY FROM POLICE REPORTS. THIS IS NOT A COURT OF LAW.

block Millwood Avenue. 29205

29201 29201 Police say some idiot threw ketchup and mayonnaise all over
Crackheads know they can sell stolen copper wire to pay for It could happen to anybody: An officer on foot patrol in Five 29204 a car and then phoned the owner calling him names like
their next rock hit. So perhaps that's what lead someone to skit- Points said he saw someone escorting a 26-year-old man out Poor taste in booze: the clerk at a British Petroleum gas station told police "jerkoff." With that language we can at least deduce that the
ter up onto the roof of an Earlwood Park building this week and of Good Times. According to the officer the drunken booze- earlier this week that two douchebags in their 20s came in the store and prankster is either from New York or New Jersey or just watch-
steal the copper coils out of two air conditioning units. The wire hound’s speech was slurred, he was unsteady on his feet and jacked $31 worth of Budweiser and Bud Light, 2900 block Rosewood. es the Sopranos way too much, 300 block S. Ravenel Street.
is worth $1,500, which could buy enough sugar boogers to get smelled like a swimming pool full of Long Island Ice Tea. The
the entire late-night Martin Luther King, Jr. Park crew high in officer tossed him in the cruiser and took his drunk ass to jail, 29204 29205
one Saturday night sitting, 1100 block Parkside. 800 block Harden Street. GRAVE ROBBERS: Some shady characters broke into a local Was it something I said? After a night of clubbing it up club-kid
cemetery and stole 28 bronze vases from several different style, a guy outside Club RAcalled the police and told them his
29201 29201 gravesites and then snuck off. Each vase is worth approxi- girlfriend had just punched him in the mouth, 700 block Gervais
Columbia officers were rolling, hating, patrolling and catching A 22-year-old man was walking home late at night when two mately $250 totaling an estimated $7,000 in damage to the Street.
people ridin’ dirty this week when they pulled over a car and men grabbed him and pulled him into an alleyway. Once in the cemetery, 2600 block Two Notch Road.
found three men with illegal guns and ganja, 500 block Alcott shadows the men robbed him of his cell phone, stripped him of 29206
Drive. his necklace and even stole his cigarettes, 1300 block Harden 29204 CARJACKED: A Columbia man said someone flagged him
Street. Double personality: following a fight between two bozos, police down and while he was speaking to him another guy opened
29201 said "Due to conflicting stories victim one and victim two are his car door and stuck a semi-automatic handgun in his side
Attempting to win the “Bust of the week award” a cop arrested 29203 also suspect one and suspect two," 2200 block Waiters Road. while the other one yanked him out of the car, 2700 block
a homeless man for walking in the roadway. The officer said he The spark apparently went out of this relationship because a Schoolhouse Road.
was forced to slow down so the man could get out of his way. 45-year-old woman called the 5-0 to say her ex-boyfriend had 29205
And because of that the officer arrested him. Interestingly just threatened to burn down her apartment. Interestingly Battle of the Light Bill Bandit: A 21-year-old Columbia resident 29206
enough the section of roadway where the cop arrested the enough though the woman did not want to prosecute the called the police to confirm that her skeezy neighbor had been An officer saw what he thought was a man panhandling at the
hobo doesn’t have a sidewalk on either side. In response to scumbag, 3700 block West Avenue. stealing electricity from her house off and on for months. When bus stop in Forest Acres but it turned out he was only asking a
that the officer said "There is adequate amount of room on both the police showed up they found an extension cord leading woman to break a $5 bill. The man told the officer he had a job
sides of the street for the subject to use in a safe and respon- from the back of the woman's house, through her yard and into downtown and was trying to get change, not asking for money.
sible manner." Right. OK. Another hobo off the street. We get 29203 the neighbor's. SCE&G confirmed that her neighbor does not After jerking him backwards by the arm, the officer said he
it, 800 block Pine Street. Bad makeover? A man with dark skin, sunglasses, a black currently have electricity running at the house and that the would “teach him a lesson” and wrote him a “loitering” ticket
shirt, camouflage pants and a red baseball cap burst into Kim's woman's light bill has gone up $60 since, 1100 block King totaling over $1,000.
29201 Beauty Store with a handgun and robbed the register clerk of Street.
What happens when you skip a day on Xanax: police say $180, 2800 block Main Street. 29210
some crazy lady pulled out a revolver and fired off several shots 29205 Police say a suspect still at large shot up a 27-year-old
outside a house in a residential neighborhood, 2800 block 29203 A 26-year-old Columbia man said he was walking down the Columbia man's Hyundai with a shotgun, blowing out the dri-
Schoolhouse Road. An 18-year-old man got his middle finger shot off while he was street when a car pulled up next to him; someone jumped out, ver's side window. The same asshole apparently shot up a
walking down the street. The man told police he saw a car punched him in the face and drove off. The man had a black 2004 Mercedes SLK 230 with the same weapon, turning the
29201 zooming through the neighborhood with several people shoot- eye when police showed up but he refused EMS service. left front quarter panel into a cheese grater, 500 block River Hill
AColumbia police officer said he was sniffing around for a man ing out both sides of the window. One of the stray bullets hit the Contrary to what you might think, this did not happen to the Circle.
with a thin mustache wearing a gold sweatshirt and red base- “f#!k you” finger on his left hand but police said the wound was publisher of this newspaper. Not this week anyway, 400 block
ball cap when he found a dude walking along Two Notch Road non life threatening, 900 block Carteret Street. Beltline Blvd. 29212
who matched the description. When the officer patted him In what has to be the most important Crime Watch news of the
down he found a gun in the guy’s right front pocket, 2800 block 29203 29205 week an employee of the Columbiana Mall told the police that
Two Notch Road. Apparently pissed that Jerry Springer turned down their sub- Bad business: Police this week said a man made threatening a mall rat who was on a 90-day trespass notice came into the
mission tape, a man punched his live-in girlfriend in the face hand gestures “as a gun pointing toward a bank teller" at the mall on the 89th day— a total violation, 100 block Columbiana
29201 and then slammed her head against the window of a truck after Wachovia in Five Points. The man, who does have an active Circle.
Police arrested another homeless man this week for drinking a fight, 2100 block Academy Street. account with the bank, said he was "not going to be nice" to
from an open container of Distiller’s Pride Whiskey in public. them anymore, 700 block Saluda Street. 29223
Police said the bottle was almost empty and also realized the 29203 Bad touch: a 22-year-old woman was arguing with her father
52-year-old man “with no permanent address” had two out- A woman called the fuzz when she heard several shots fired 29205 when the patriarch pushed her in the forehead with his finger.
standing warrants, 800 block Harden Street. outside her home. When she looked out the window all the saw A man came into the police station raving about being kicked She couldn’t ground him or give him an earlier curfew but she
was a car driving away, 4900 block James Street. in the stomach by some whacko outside Group Therapy just could file an assault charge against the old man. And she did,
29201 before the sun came up. The kick knocked the wind out of him 5300 block Farrow Road.
While sharking the bar for underage drinkers, a cop in Five 29203 and caused him to drop his cell phone. The victim said he later
Points said he watched a 20-year-old guy from Eastover Welcome to gangland: two victims told police that four hood- called the phone and the asshole who answered it said he'd
"enjoying an open Corona beer" at Jungle Jim's. While the offi- lums had robbed them at gunpoint. The thugs pointed several give it back for $300, corner of Greene and Harden Streets.
cer interrogated the boy about his age the kid tried to hide a pill guns including a shotgun at them and ended up getting away
bottle in his pocket. When the officer asked what was in the bot- with a total of $1,340, 5400 block
tle he told him "a little weed." The officer arrested him and took Mauldin Ave.
him to jail. Obviously this dude is a terrorist or something, 700
block Harden Street. 29203
The hall monitor of a local school said
29201 a 14-year-old student pushed and
A 49-year-old man called the police when he tripped and fell in then hit him when he refused to let the
a pothole in the road in an upscale neighborhood of Columbia. little brat exit the cafeteria, 5100 block
He said he'd bruised his left forearm when he fell. Police "can- Fairfield Road.
vassed the area but did not find any holes in the street," 1100
block King Street. 29203
Vindicating our choice of the Hot Spot
29201 in our "Worst of Awards," a man was
The same man also filed a separate report with police that day robbed by someone brandishing a
saying someone had punched him in the mouth and ganked razor there at 9 in the evening last
$150 from his pocket, 1100 block King Street. week, 3200 block Farrow Road.
29201 29204
Another day in the ghetto: After shots rang out through a resi- An officer on call to a domestic dispute
dential neighborhood, the po-po found a bag of crack cocaine in Sketch Town said when he frisked
and a stolen handgun at the scene, proving Columbia is still a the man involved he found a pistol in
safe place to live regardless of what you read in the papers, his waistband and a loaded clip in his
100 block Dundee Lane. pocket. OK, off to jail, Rambo, 4200 11
NOVEMBER 22, 2006
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NOVEMBER 22, 2006 13
 DEMS
A Maryland political science professor this
week wrote a provocative column for Salon.com that
suggested the national Democratic Party needed to
write off the South.
Interesting notion but he's flat wrong. In
fact,he's got it backwards. Not only do Democrats
need the South, but the South needs Democrats,
Republicans and independents.
In "Do Democrats need the South?" Thomas F.
Schaller says, "For the first time in 50 years, the
party that controls both chambers of Congress is a
minority party in the South. And in the last four pres-
idential elections, the Democratic candidate has
either garnered 270 electoral votes, the minimum
needed to win, or has come within one state of doing
so before a single Southern vote is tallied. Outside
the old Confederacy, the nation is turning blue, and
that portends a new map for a future Democratic
majority."
Schaller may be correct in those assertions, but
he's looking at trees instead of the forest. If the
Democratic Party is to be truly a national party, it
can't write off one region and represent everyone
else. That's just not democratic (small d).
The Maryland professor points to several rea-
sons as to why Democrats struggle in the South: he
says white voters seem to prefer white candidates
over black ones (even though Mississippi, for exam-
ple, reportedly has more black than white elected
officials in local government than white ones.) He
also says the South's social conservatism is due, in
part, to the region being the most religious and rural
in the country. Schaller further points to the region's
small gender gap and low rate of unionism as con-
tributing factors.
Those are all interesting, but Schaller needs to
take this ostrich-like analysis out of the hole and look
at practical politics. He seems to forget that in the
recent election, the U.S. Senate likely would remain
in GOP control if it were not for Southern Democrats
and independents in Virginia. In fact, in the four
Senate races in the "Old South," Democrats won two
(Florida and Virginia) and Republicans won two
(Tennessee and Mississippi).
Additionally, as pointed out by Chris Kromm of
VISIT CITY PAPER ONLINE:
COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
14 NOVEMBER 22, 2006
AND THE SOUTH
the Institute for Southern Studies, Democrats won 47
percent of 19 key Southern U.S. House races and
were competitive in 63 percent of them. At the
gubernatorial level, Democrats won in Tennessee
and Arkansas.
Notes Kromm: "For Democrats to turn their
backs on a region that half of all African-Americans
and a growing number of Latinos and Asian-
Americans call home, a place devastated by
Hurricane Katrina, plant closings, poverty, and other
indignities -- in short, for 'progressives' to give up on
the very place where they could argue they are need-
ed most – would rightfully be viewed as a historic
retreat from the party's commitment to justice for all.
"But most of all, November 6 proved that the
'forget the South' strategy is a colossal mistake -- if
only because the elections revealed that, if they try,
Democrats in the South can win."
There's another impact to consider. If
Democrats ignored the South, they likely would
cause political debate to be more polarized. By for-
getting about the South, Democrats would become
more liberal and Republicans would kowtow to being
more conservative.
"It's a big country," said "Jethro" in an online
comment to Schaller's article. "Dems can be com-
petitive in every part of it, although they won't all look
and sound the same. Why would we want them to?"
Yet another impact: If national Democrats
bypassed the South, they would write off the next
generation of leaders at statehouses and county
councils. This could kill the progressive spirit that
lingers in many communities across the region
because there wouldn't be much of an apparatus to
support candidates.
One of the outcomes of the recent election is
that people seemed to be frustrated by one-party rule
in Washington for the last few years. By leaving out
one region that's growing like gangbusters,
Democrats would be committing an egregious strate-
gic error … and might end up losing power for good
in years to come.
Americans – and South Carolinians – deserve
robust political debate in Congress and the State
House. To expect less is to undercut democracy.
Ted Rall
WHEN IS A WAR NOT A WIN? WHEN IT’S DEMOCRATIC
NEW YORK--Live every day as if it were
your last. It's good advice. Modified for
politicians: Treat every term in office as if
it were your last.
Republicans get political existential-
ism. When they campaign for office, they
promise to be uniters, not dividers. Once
they win an election, however, talk of
bipartisanship promptly sails out the win-
dow. They freeze out the Democrats,
elected representatives and constituents
alike. Rather than compromise to
accommodate the millions who voted
against them, Republicans play to their right-wing base:
racists and Christianists. The GOP belligerently pro-
motes the most extremist items on its legislative wish list
by declaring their victory to be a broad manifesto for
radical change and wholesale rejection of the other
side. They nominate judges whose conservatism is far
to the right of the average Republican. Sure, they want
to unite the country--by forcing everyone to go along
with what they want.
"Back in December 2000," recalls Lincoln Chafee, a
Republican senator from Rhode Island, "after one of the
closest elections in our nation's history, Vice President-
elect Dick Cheney was the guest at a weekly lunch
meeting of a small group of centrist Republicans." Many
people expected Bush, who'd received 48 percent of the
vote and had been anointed after a controversial
Supreme Court decision to halt the recount, to make
good on his campaign promises to reach out to
Democrats in a spirit of bipartisanship. But Cheney had
something else in mind. "I was startled to hear the vice
president dismiss suggestions of compromise and
instead emphasize an aggressively partisan agenda
that included significant tax cuts, the abandonment of
international agreements and a muscular, unilateral pol-
icy."
Cheney and Bush understood that they might only
have one four-year term to accomplish their goals.
Knowing that they might never get another chance, they
insulated themselves with a staff of likeminded ideo-
logues and got to work at remaking America in their
image. Drawing on bluster and hubris, they bullied
Democrats into going along with the transfer of the fed-
eral tax burden from the rich to the middle class. Next
they skillfully exploited Americans' fear and anger fol-
lowing the September 11th attacks to attack Afghanistan
and Iraq. By 2004 they had eliminated civil liberties that
citizens of Western countries had enjoyed for hundreds
of years, emasculating Congress and the Courts to cre-
ate a "unified executive" form of government.
Most of the changes carried out by Bush's neoconserv-
atives during his first term--new tax rates, USA-Patriot
Act, two wars, pulling out of the Geneva Conventions,
torture, domestic eavesdropping--will probably remain
in force for decades. Their strategy of running
roughshod over the Democrats worked.
It helps to enjoy the complicity of the media. Whenever
Republicans win an election, mainstream pundits cite
the results as prima facie proof that the American peo-
ple have handed them a mandate to do whatever they
want.
When Reagan won in 1980, Newsweek hailed his tri-
umph as "an idea whose time had come," "a rousing
vote of confidence in him and his politics," and posited
that the results spelled "nearly certain death for liberal
causes." When Republicans picked up seats in the
1994 midterm elections, House Speaker Newt Gingrich
drew upon media support to stampede Clinton into a
year-long "copresidency," resulting in welfare reform
and free-trade pacts.
When is a win not a win? When it's Democratic. When
a majority of Americans cast votes for the Dems, the
results are invariably interpreted by the media as a pub-
lic desire for moderation and bipartisanship rather than
some "radical left-wing agenda." Democrats are told to
abandon their campaign promises and ignore their liber-
al base. The pain and divisiveness of the (Republican-
ruled) past must be healed by big-hearted (and soft-
headed) Democrats. Democrats don't get mandates.
The double standard isn't new. "For all the records it
broke," Time editorialized in 1996, "[Bill Clinton's 49-to-
41 percent win] was a victory for studied modesty; for a
willingness to swallow his pride to preserve his power,
embrace his enemies to steal their ideas and march into
editorial
PULITZER PRIZE FINALIST
history as the first two-term Democrat since
F.D.R., not with great leaps forward but one
baby step at a time. It couldn't be clearer if they
had spelled it out letter for letter: voters elected
a moderate Democratic President to carry out a
moderate Republican agenda."
Clearly.
For the first time since 1994, Democrats find
themselves in control of both houses of
Congress. They picked up 28 seats in the
House and six in the Senate--a stunning sweep
considering that congressional redistricting has
made it more difficult to unseat incumbents. But
the facts that a lot more Americans voted Democratic
than Republican and that Bush's approval rating has hit
a record low (31 percent) don't mean much to the offi-
cial media--or, it seems, to the winning Democratic can-
didates.
Time's post-election cover story was called "Why the
Center is the Place to Be." The incoming freshmen rep-
resentatives, reported The New York Times (house
organ of the Clinton-style centrist Democrats) in its lead
story on November 12, "say they were given a rare
opportunity by voters, many of them independents and
Republicans, who were tired of the partisanship and
gridlock in Washington."
Ahem. Gridlock? Whether or not you support agree
with them, no one can deny that Bush and Cheney got
a lot of major legislation passed through their rubber-
stamp Congress. Bush hasn't had to veto a single bill.
Anyway, let's continue:
"Now, they say, they have to produce...to find a bipar-
tisan consensus...to avoid the ideological wars that
have so dominated Congress in recent years, to be
pragmatists, and to change the tone in Washington after
a sharply partisan campaign."
"They've set a bad example in not working with us,"
incoming Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said of the
Republicans. "We're not following that example."
Blech. The fools are already running for reelection.
The New New Democrats need to study the calendar.
Two years from now, they may well end up back in the
minority, reading passionate speeches no one will ever
hear to an empty chamber for the benefit of C-SPAN.
Rather than triangulate or moderate their views,
Democrats should take that two-year time limit serious-
ly and go gangbusters, emulating Cheney and Bush's
balls-to-the-wall style to pass as much legislation as
they can before 2008. That means unraveling as many
GOP accomplishments as possible. Cancel the tax cuts,
close the torture camps, restore habeas corpus, get the
NSA out of our email, yank our troops out of Afghanistan
and Iraq.
It's high time for vengeance. Impeachment is essen-
tial, to cleanse our national soul, as a downpayment of
good will toward the rest of the world, and because they
did it to Clinton for far, far less. And we need investiga-
tions--lots of them. Special prosecutors ought to track
down everyone, up to and including Bush, who lied
about WMDs in Iraq, chose not to pursue Osama in
Pakistan after 9/11, deliberately withheld help that could
have saved lives during the Hurricane Katrina, and
signed off on warrantless wiretapping of American citi-
zens. Law and order starts at the top.
At the same time, Dems ought to ram through such long
overdue (and popular) liberal agenda items as national
health insurance, pulling out of the failed NAFTA accord
and a big hike in the minimum wage. If any Republicans
object, do what they'd do: call them terrorists or traitors
or some other smear that forces them to sit down, shut
up, and vote yes.
Of course, there's an alternative. Bill Clinton wasted
his entire political career placing short-term victory at
the polls over achieving his political goals. Sucking up to
moderates and Republicans got him eight years in the
White House, but for what? He never signed a major bill
that could be described as liberal.
If they govern like there's no tomorrow, Democratic
lawmakers will be able to say that they represented their
constituents, who will have gotten what they voted for.
That's how democracy is supposed to work.
Remember?
(Ted Rall is the author of the new book Silk Road to
Ruin: Is Central Asia the New Middle East?, an in-depth
prose and graphic novel analysis of America's next big
foreign policy challenge.) NOVEMBER 22. 2006 15
 FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
Magnetic Flowers, Lamb Handler
Counter Intelligence, Josh Bowers
Minute For Midnight
Wild Wing Cafe
The Plaids
Headliners 8pm
Joal Rush, Brent McDonald Band,
Jeremy Lister
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25
Art Bar
Country Crooners Jamboree featur-
ing: Carrie Phillips, Elizabeth Allen,
Jennifer Whitley, Megan Miller and
Shannon Arthur w/ The Baldness
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
Against All Authority, Flatliners
The Know How,Time Again, Testing
Ground
Wild Wing Cafe-
Jah Creation
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
Erley Grace, Xemir, JT And The
Blame, Monstro
Sandra’s Corner Pocket
D.B. Bryant
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27
New Brookland Tavern- 7 pm
The Hold Steady The Big Sleep
The Specs
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28
New Brookland Tavern 8pm
Lovedrug, Brandtson, The Myriad
NOT SO SILENT NIGHT AT HEADLINERS
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 3 - 5PM - $10 ADV
Santa’s bringing early
Christmas presents for everybody
and it’s much more entertaing than
those Advent calendars you had in
elementary school. Blossoming
toward the mainstream, Stretch
Arm Strong leads the pack, with the
help of friends from the Southeast
BAUMER AT HEADLINERS FRI, DECEMBER 1 - 8PM - $10
Baumer has just returned from
2 1/2 weeks on the road, beginning
their tour in New York at the CMJ
showcases.
Interestingly enough, MTV
Logo (entertainment programming
for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and
transgendered community) has
added “Take What’s Mine” into
16 NOVEMBER 22, 2006
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Headliners 9 pm
Reggae Night: Mystic Vibrations,
DJ Wriggle
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
MikeNPike, Manchester Orchestra,
Monday In London, Estates
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30
Art Bar-
The Cartridge Family, Petrillo
Relents, Bentz Kirby
New Brookland Tavern- 8pm
Oldstate, Ninjaloot, Pagan Savant
A Gift Wrapped In Blood
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1
Headliners 8pm
Baumer, The Noises 10
New Brookland Tavern 6pm (early)
Hello Tomorrow, The Decade,The
Facing
New Brookland Tavern 9pm (late)
Quickfuse, Diavolo, White Light
Complex, Chairleg
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 2
Art Bar-
American Gun, An Epic At Best,
Low Red L, Birds & Batteries
New Brookland Tavern 5pm (early)
NearMiss, Crash Romeo, Echo
Screen, August Rain, The Dirty
Brians
New Brookland Tavern 10pm (late)
Columbia City Paper
Christmas Party (HOLY CRAP!)
Secret Lives of the Freemasons,
Evergreen Terrace, Casey Jones,
Burns Out Bright (still not broken
up), and Firefly Summer.
Kind of like a Christmas stock-
ing with all sorts musical genre
variations and goodies.
rotation. The band spent the major-
ity of the time with Scottland’s
Cinematics attempting to win over
masses of yankees in the
Northeast.
Still haven’t caught a Baumer
show? Get out from under the rock.
The Noises 10 from Charlotte open
the show.
SUNDAY. DECEMBER 3
Headliners 5pm
"Not So Silent Night"
Stretch Arm Strong, Evergreen
Terrace, Burns Out Bright, Secret
Lives of the Free Masons, Casey
Jones, Firefly Summer
New Brookland Tavern 6pm
Singer/Songerwriter Night
Marian Carter, Brett Treacy, Justin
Petrey, Brandon, Tim McManus,
Code Name: Juan, Josh Hammond
MONDAY, DECEMBER 4
New Brookland Tavern- 7pm
Jacob And I, White Rose Revival,
Public Radio
University of SC
Brazz Tree
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5
Headliners 7pm
Buckcherry, Mercy Fall
Kelly's
Bleu Edmondson
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
The Toasters, The Supervillains,
Maladroit Mafia, Foxes That Fight
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
Burr Lives, Racing Kites
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7
Art Bar
Saturn 3
Headliners 8pm
Almost Jason, Black Eyed Susan
Stillhouse
THE TOASTERS AT NEW BROOKLAND
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5 - 7PM - $10
The Toasters: masters of two-
tone ska and the longest active ska
band in the United States, the
Toasters have been skanking it up
since before the Commodore 64 was
released in 1982.
Breaking onto the scene in 1987
with Skaboom! the Toasters paved
the way for later third wave ska
bands like the Miighty Mighty
Bosstones and the ska explosion
during the ‘90s.
After 25 years together some
might call this two-tone army ancient
New Brookland Tavern 8pm
Satanic Romantic
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 8
Headliners 8pm
Rehab, Stealing from Bandits
New Brookland Tavern 5pm (early)
Fair Street, Because Of This, Sent
By Ravens, Restless Oblivion,No
Honor Lost
New Brookland Tavern 9pm (late)
Moment Of Truth, Death Valley,
Driver, Bullistic, Order In Ruin
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 9
Art Bar
Autonomous with Authority
Headliners 9pm
King Hippo
New Brookland Tavern 8pm
Southern Culture On The Skids
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 10
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
Columbia Poetry Slam
MONDAY, DECEMBER 11
New Brookland Tavern 6pm
The T. Moody Band, Blind Dog,
Crown Atlantic, Asteria, A Thin
Place
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
Ruba Say & The Cosmic Rays, The
Stelle Group, Normal Bias, Vaeda,
Motion Picture Demise
but most woould describe them as
dedicated. After a quarter of a
decade the Toasters will have played
over 4,500 shows, traveling more
than a million miles, while releasing
16 albums.
The sole original member of the
band Robert ‘Bucket’ Hingley found-
ed Moon Ska Records which operat-
ed for 17 years bringing ska to the
masses in the United States.
The Supervillains, Maladroit
Mafia, and Foxes that Fight will open.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13
New Brookland Tavern 6pm
Bouncing Souls, Street Dogs,
Whole Wheat Bread, World Inferno
The Colonial Center
Trans Siberian Orchestra
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14
Art Bar
The Queen Is Dead
New Brookland Tavern 8pm
Hickry Hawkins, The Defilers,
Bo-Stevens
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 15
New Brookland Tavern 5pm (early)
The Safe And Sound, Division By
Zero, Michael Higgins (All Good
Citizens), Of Fear And Faith
New Brookland Tavern 9pm (late)
Diavolo, From Graves Of Valor, A
Stained Glass Romance, Knives
Exchanging Hands, Diemona
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 16
New Brookland Tavern 9pm
Oldstate, Havoc Din, Slow Decline,
Dogskin Pinata
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 17
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
LongStreet, Sequoyah Prep
School, The Track, Southcott
MONDAY, DECEMBER 18
New Brookland Tavern 7pm
Colour Revolt, Goodnight
Providence, American Film
ROAD TRIP
CHARLESTON, SC December 2 - Tremont Music Hall
November 28 - Music Farm Gwar, The Red Chord
New York Dolls, Supersuckers,
Chesterfield Kings, The Charms December 6 - Tremont Music Hall
Sepultura
December 4 - Music Farm
The Bravery, Radio 4 December 6 - Tremont Music Hall
The Draft, Fifth Hour Hero, Stress Space
November 5 - Music Farm
Bullet for My Valentine, Drop Dead ASHEVILLE, NC
Gourgeous
November 24 - The Grey Eagle
Ted Leo & the Pharmacists
AUGUSTA, GA
November 24 - The Grey Eagle
December 1 - Sector 7G
Evergreen Terrace, Stretch Arm Strong, Rasputina
Secret Lives!, Casey Jones, Charge the
Mound ATLANTA, GA
December 7 - Blue Horse Music November 24 - The Fox Theatre
String Cheese Incident
Shawn Mullins
November 24- The Masquerade
CHARLOTTE, NC Cattle Decapitation, Goatwhore, Daath,
Army of Anyone
November 28 - Tremont Music Hall
Reel Big Fish, Streetlight Manifesto, November 25 - The Tabernacle
Suburban Legends, Westbound Train Deftones, Deadsy
November 29 - Tremont Music Hall
November 28- The Loft at Center Stage
Murder By Death, The Hush Sound, This is Sparta, Moros Eros, Florez, Pistolero
Me Smiling, This Providence
November 28- The Masquerade
November 29 - Amos’ Southend Peaches, Quintron & Miss Pussycat,
Papa Roach, (hed)pe, Bullets and Octane, Whitey
Stealing December
November 28- The Masquerade
December 1 - Tremont Music Hall Between the Buried and Me, Norma Jean,
Gym Class Heroes, Cartel Fear Before the March of Flames and more

Pony rides with happy ending: $300/hr
In the night sky over the bright lights
of Hollywood a demonic pegasus with
laser-firing eyes wrecks havoc on the
celestial sphere. Down on the streets
below, a cartoon-like pink equine being,
eerily reminiscent of My Little Pony trots
past hookers and human corpses. And
randomly an ass sphincter blasts out cot-
ton candy pills and Christmas presents.
Sounds inviting? Definitely interest-
ing and when you think about it, not too far
off from the so-called real world.
This is life in “Horse Girl” the newest
music video for Seattle’s These Arms Are
Snakes. Strange, perplexingly weird and
chaotic- much like the band’s moniker and
auditory offerings.
“I get satisfaction out of people think-
ing we’re going to be a certain way and then
we’re not when they see us. Things are a lit-
tle different and not macho,” says vocalist
Steve Snere in response to today’s slew of
jock strap mosh pit anthem style bands.
Characterized by their intelligently
loud and abrasive signature, These Arms
Are Snakes is a band with an impressive 0-
60 clock, stopping on dimes, and piloted by
a Hollywood stunt driver.
Following the dissolutions of the influ-
ential hardcore and metal colossus Botch
and Minneapolis based Kill Sadie, These
Arms Are Snakes formed and shopped their
demo to numerous labels. Jade Tree found
one of those packages in their mailbox, but
the band had failed to provide any contact
STORY AND PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEAN RAYFORD
information.
Jade Tree hired Deleware’s finest
bounty hunter and tracked them down from
the other side of the continent.
“We had a decent amount of respons-
es and that I think had to do with the Botch
thing,” says Snere.
“I'll be the first to admit that we proba-
bly wouldn't have a record on Jade Tree if
we didn't have our pedigree,” says Snere.
Their alma maters broke down the
door and helped get These Arms Are
Snakes off the ground but with the release
of their second full-length, Easter, the band
is cementing their own identity.
“There's some heavy shadows- espe-
cially the Botch shadow is hard to get out of.
I don't think we sound anything like that and
I think people are starting to realize that we
are our own entity,” says Snere.
While on tour with the Young Widows
and North Atlantic the other evening Snere
spent more time off the stage than on it.
Climbing across speakers and tables with a
tangled mic cord in tow bouncing his way
into the crowd he shouted and yelped. Then
at some point Snere was standing on the bar
downing a shot mid song.
There were no stage lights on this
night because within seconds of hitting the
stage Snere had accidentally managed to
temporarily bust the system.
While actually on the stage Snere’s
possessed body would contort and gyrate as
he ricocheted between fellow bandmates.
His reckless abandon on stage paral-
leled the band’s spastic and mathy hardcore
influences. Although Snere is quick to point
out that even though it may not always
appear, there’s plenty of thoughtfulness
involved with the creation of the band’s
songs.
“There's a lot more to it than just being
loud and obnoxious. That's not my goal,”
says Snere.
It’s not just all chaos with this band.
Easter provides the listener with ‘70s rock
manipulations scattered amongst the spaz-
core.
“I'm a huge Yes fan, a King Crimson
fan. Zep and all that shit. We definitely have
a classic rock influence no doubt,” says
Snere.
These Arms Are Snakes are as much
of a product of their former projects as their
hometown of Seattle. A town that is slowly
emerging from it’s identity as the birthplace
of grunge.
“We're rock ‘n' roll central,” Snere said.
“We've got all sorts of bands coming out of
there. It's great. We're all friends and we all
challenge each other to push us further. The
Blood Brothers, Minus the Bear, Pretty Girls,
and Shoplifting. I'd like to think that we're a
pretty good scene that will support each
other and try to make a better world besides
that Fall Out Boy fucking crap which doesn't
even fall onto my radar in my opinion.”.
THE BLOOD
BROTHERS
Young
Machetes
Oct. 10, 2006
V2 Records
Much like the Locust, U2 and the Carpenters, you
either love or hate the Blood Brothers' contribution to
music. There is no middle ground. Singers Johnny
Whitney and Jordan Blilie's bratty, acerbic screeching
can (and usually will) make even the most patient and
open minded listener press the EJECT button on their
disc player the first go around.
On Young Machetes, the Brothers bring back the
discordant sound that made people love (or hate) their
2004 release, Crimes. They even got Guy Picciotto
(Fugazi) to produce this, their fifth endeavor.
The 15 songs making up Young Machetes,
although still lacking a discernable structure, seemed to
have matured, at least in terms of melody. Albeit, very
well hidden, unpredictable melody.
“Set fire to the face on fire” opens up the album and
spews out frantic drumming and a guitar squelch that
somehow compliments the helium-injected screams of
Whitney and Blilie. Probably the catchiest song on the
album, “Laser Life” shows that the Blood Brothers can
write and record material that more than just a few select
ears could enjoy.
But tracks like “You're the dream unicorn!” and
“Nausea shreds yer head” remind us that the band is still
quite capable of turning two and a half minutes into a
canvas of cut and paste chaos.
If you liked the previous efforts by the Blood
Brothers, you're probably going to fall head over heels for
this one. It's loud, obnoxious and chock full of all the
unnerving qualities it takes to make a great (or horrible,
depending on your taste) hardcore scream-o rock
record.
Enjoy.
-William Logan
THE
MARS VOLTA
Amputechture
Sept. 12, 2006
Universal
Break out your TI-82, a Spanish to English dictionary
and a healthy dose of patience; the Mars Volta have
released their third album. Littered with odd-ball time signa-
tures and drawn out intervals of noise, Amputechture takes
the Volta to pompous levels of pretension never before
imaginable. Save one song (“Vermicide”), the album is a
long-winded experiment that goes great lengths to prove
nothing except its ability to make Robert Fripp scratch his
head at all the confusion.
If you're looking for the sequel to their 2003 debut De-
Loused in the Comatorium, I suggest you save your $13 for
a rainy day. But, if you want to hear a more turgent take on
2005's Frances the Mute, the buck definitely stops here.
“Tetragrammaton” and “Meccamputechture” have
their moments, but ultimately lost me around the eight
minute mark. Don't get me wrong. I'm a fan of prog rock
and time consuming tracks, but it's as if the Mars Volta are
creating confusing arrangements for the sole sake of confu-
sion. Maybe they're trying to give Geddy Lee a run for his
money. I'm not sure. They are certainly catering to the guy
at the party who “gets” these kinds of albums. You know, the
one who will defend even the worst Dream Theater record
to his dying breath.
Unless you are a HUGE, HUGE fan of jazz-prog
fusion, this record is probably not for you. Amputechture
takes a few listens to even begin to figure out where the
Volta are going and by the time you figure it out, you really
don't care anymore. Hopefully, this album will help them iron
out their progressive fantasies and drive it out of their sys-
tems. And if they don't, whatever. They're still better than
Sparta.
-William Logan
NOVEMBER 22, 2006 17
 Five Points
Confidential
GUEST COLUMN BY YORK
“BUDD” DURDEN
Five Points, USA: Where
the beat meets the street.
There are many places called
“the Five Points”—but this one
is mine.
Maybe the old girl isn’t
quite like she was in the glory
days (whenever those were),
but on a Friday night you can
still get in as much trouble as
your parents might have “back in the day.” You can
still get shouted at by proselytizers and panhandlers;
you can still co-mingle with hipsters, tripsters, and all
manner of hepcats—though beware the poseur, as he
lurks nearby in his too-clean Chuck Taylors and skin-
ny jeans waiting for the right moment to strike (hope-
fully before his temporary tattoos begin to fade under
the relentless orange glow of the streetlamps).
Scared yet?
Don’t be.
This column is here to help as well as provide
another excuse (as if one were needed) to put off
reading competing publications.
Whatever the neighborhood’s troubles, flaws or lim-
itations might be, you still can’t go anywhere else in
this town and get the same flavor. Part college ghet-
to, part small-town ambience and with a 30,000-stu-
dent major research university at the top of the hill to
provide trickle-down intellectual vibes, what more
could you want?
Hell, once a year you can even put a johnboat in at
the intersection of Saluda & Devine. That’s more than
most people living along the shore at Lake Murray
can say.
But as my friend and confidant B. Buddy Ballcap
just reminded me (he sported a knowing smirk), “Go
Cocks” is where it’s at, baby— at least on a Saturday
in autumn—not questions of intellect. I bow to his
wisdom; I knock the dust from my copy of The
Stranger (just returned to me by a curious, searching,
seeking borrower; no hints as to who it was, but the
return package did have a Crawford, TX postmark); I
flip idly through its crisp pages, unsullied as they are
18 NOVEMBER 22, 2006
by the glare from anyone’s
optic nerves.
But a new day may be
dawning. The detritus of the
seemingly endless street
construction continues to
clog the neighborhood’s
marginally sclerotic arteries
but the finished sections,
albeit few in number, provide
a portent of future cleanli-
ness, order and renewal.
Complainers abound but to
make a soufflé you have to
not only break eggs but also refrain from slamming
the oven door.
I mean: What would you have us do around here?
Lie down and die a whimpering, ignominious death at
the hands of chain restaurants and big-box retailers
scattered on either side of every freeway interchange
like discarded colorful blocks abandoned by the Jolly
Green Giant’s bored kid? Nah. Nah. The
Beautification project (not unlike the term for my
wife’s recent elective surgery) is putting the Five back
into the Points: slowly but surely.
Sitting outside the coffee shop—the only real one,
don’t you know—a kid kicking a faded hackey sack
asked me what I thought about it all.
“What, the crisis of modern existence?”
“Nah, brah,” he said. “The new light poles.”
I told him I thought they were spank, which is my
newly minted euphemism for “keen”; he characterized
the redbrick sidewalks and concrete crosswalks as
“tight.” (The endless, cosmic search for the appropri-
ate complementary modifier goes on).
I I just had to broach The Subject, finally: “Parking
meters…?” He regarded me with a baleful eye:
“I don’t drive.” Touché, kid. Were it to be that way
for all of us.
Until next week, faithful readers of Columbia’s num-
ber two alternative weekly birdcage-liner, I remain,
York Durden is a pseudonym used by a prominent Five
Points merchant (no, not Joe Azar).You may e-mail
York “Budd” Durden (buddurd@hotmail.com) any tid-
bits, news, bon mots, or brickbats you may wish him to
reference in future columns—but beware, your words
may return to haunt you.
USC vs Clemson
NEXT BIG FASHION TREND:
NOT DYED-ORANGE OVER-ALLS
BY JOHN D. ANONYMOUS
South Carolina quarterback Blake Mitchell (center) has solidified his position as the starting quarterback for the Gamecocks
after taking over for Sevelle Newton against Arkansas earlier this season and his most recent performance against Middle
Tennessee State. Against MTSU Mitchell completed 21 of 28 passing attempts for 388 yards. PHOTO BY SEAN RAYFORD
Recognize that smell in the air? The first frost is com-
ing soon, folks are lighting their fireplaces and winter is
about to set in.
It's also a sign - the great unwashed segment of this
state that dresses itself in orange every Saturday is next
up on South Carolina's football schedule.
I should have realized it was getting close when USC
lost to Florida a couple of weeks ago. The Florida loss
usually predates the Clemson game and besides, that
smell was either my sewer backing up or the toothless
web-toed contingent creeping into the picture.
I checked it out - sure enough, there it was. Nov. 25,
USC at Clemson.
Great. Another chance for the mighty Gamecocks to
go up north and thoroughly embarrass themselves in
front of 90,000 would-be farmers who are only at the
game because the fall tobacco harvest won't begin for
another few weeks.
That being said I really don't think USC will lose the
game. Watching the Gamecocks play for the past four
weeks and suffering through three oh-so-close, heart-
breaking defeats, I just feel the law of averages will kick
in and USC will find a way to beat the Tigers.
Of course, I also felt the law of averages would keep
somebody with plain, don't-cross-on-red sense in the
White House at least once every 20 years, and that one
hasn't really worked out.
It's ridiculous to think that this university, of which I
and several thousand others are so proud, has been his-
torically lousy against that agricultural wasteland on the
edge of Pickens County. Clemson has nothing to counter
this university's strength in educational value, facilities or
atmosphere.
Clemson has football. And the Tigers have had their
share of good football. Why else would they hold what
amounts to a weekly salute to mental illness every week
at that tinker toy they call a stadium?
They dress in overalls-- orange overalls-- for heav-
ens' sake. And they can't buy orange overalls, they have
to buy white ones and then dye them orange to be con-
sidered “official” (true).
They claim their football “superiority” as a birthright,
despite not winning a conference title in 15 years and
being the only team in NCAA Division I history to ever win
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a national championship with Wofford on the schedule
(that will win you some bar bets).
They list their football All-Americans and award win-
ners on flagpoles outside the baseball stadium despite
them having a rather rich baseball tradition. Remember
that College World Series they choked away a few years
ago?
One of their biggest football legends is William
“Refrigerator” Perry who gained fame later on as a con-
testant at those crazy hot dog eating contests in New
York. Of course, I shouldn't be so hard on the Fridge - he
did help inspire the birth of rap with the infamous “Super
Bowl Shuffle.”
While I like to think the majority of USC fans are
proud but dignified, not foolishly ignorant, I can't even
hope to have one fraction of that sentiment when dis-
cussing Clemson's finest. Trying to treat those inmates
with class is like trying to empty the Pacific Ocean with a
teaspoon.
That's why this game is so important. Not only is it
crucial to USC's postseason dreams but it would knock
those degenerates down a few pegs and leave them with
some dubious history. A season that seemed destined for
greatness was lumped like most of the others - on the
“coulda, shoulda, woulda” pile.
A loss this week would knock Clemson out of every
goal it had at the beginning of this season. No ACC title,
no BCS berth, not even a victory over an arch-rival it's
beaten eight times in nine years.
And call me crazy but I just see all the frustration and
heartache USC has had in those narrow losses spilling
over on Saturday. If Steve Spurrier can harness that pain
and force it into his players there should be no problem.
Just think of the reaction on those faces afterwards.
Walking around Clemson with a big smile on your face
while they're wearing expressions reserved for Frank
Howard's funeral is a feeling better than a night with
Jessica Alba (or so I've heard).
But of course, the Gamecocks must win first. It
seems obvious why the Gamecocks should win, but who
knows if they actually will.
I'll bring a clothespin for my nose just in case. Win or
lose, I at least have a hot shower to look forward to.
NOVEMBER 22, 2006 19
 ARIES
You will lose your appetite for
Thanksgiving dinner after you
accidentally walk in on your
grandpa stuffing your grandma’s
turkey.
TAURUS GEMINI CANCER
I still wake up screaming at the You voted for the gay marriage Too bad Bauer’s complex won’t
nightmare of the great Atari riots amendment ...but your wife still also be on display at the Napoleon
of 1981. And while tragic, the suspects. exhibit. Zing!
shootings and stampedes associ-
ated with the release of the new
Play Station 3 will be nothing
compared to the cruelty you will
visit upon the kid ahead of you in
line at the release of the “Stinky
Diapey” Elmo doll.s

LEO VIRGO LIBRA SCORPIO

After hearing reports that most
commercial fish species will be
extinct by 2048, you will be more
concerned about the fate of your
Captain D’s stock than the fact
that fish are about to be freakin’
extinct!
Dressed up lap dogs are so like (Yes, Libra, the new smoking ban Former wrestling superstars Nikita
Paris Hilton, like five months ago. in restaurants also applies to Koloff and Sting are both televange-
Get a jump on Columbia’s glam- crystal meth.) lists these days. Man, imagine Sting
our scene by acquiring standing at the pulpit with a white
Hollywood’s latest fashion acces- suit, paten leather shoes and that
cool makeup he used to wear.
sory: adopted East African Maybe have a guy in a devil suit
children. come out and Sting could break a
chair over his back. Woooo-hoooo!
Man, that would be the coolest
f#!king church service ever! ...Oops,
sorry Lord.

SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN AQUARIUS PISCES

To spice up Thanksgiving this People often mistake your out-
year, try individual stuffed para- wardly bubbly persona for
keets in lieu of turkey. Tourette’s Syndrome. And be
especially careful to keep the
sudden shrieking laughter in
check while uncle Bobby is
cleaning his hunting rifle.
If I had a time machine I’d like to
think that I’d go back and, you
know, help mankind. In reality, I’d
probably just buy a lot of cool sh!t
and heckle some famous speech-
es.
Yeeah! Four more years, biatch! I
can’t stop celebrating. And, Pisces,
my first act as governor—God, I love
saying that—will be, hmmm... to out-
source the horoscopes to India.
Thanks and goodnight!

Jonesin’ Crosswords "Cutting Corners"--more themeless magic, baby! BY MATT JONES

Across sound) 29 "Let me point out..."

1 Sights tough to turn away
from
12 Statement of disbelief
14 He says "Feel the burn"
16 Somewhat
17 Cincinnati's river
18 Michael's brother
19 Patsy and Edina's
Britcom, to fans
21 Rowing machine unit
23 Letters before a colon
24 They come before UV
25 Like Neil Patrick Harris,
after 11/2/06
28 Almost all males, to
Foghorn Leghorn
30 ___-de-France (brand of
Brie)
31 Beck song with the lyric
"Soy un perdedor"
33 "Fraggle Rock" con-
struction worker
35 Marvin Gaye classic
39 34-down and 34-down?
40 Dinner partner
41 560
42 Band with the compila-
tion album "And I Feel
Fine..."
44 Female enlistee, pre-
1978
45 Theater major's deg.
48 Play parts
50 Path of virtuous con-
duct, to Confucians
52 Gear up
54 ___-tat (snare drum
55 Check for prints
58 Coll. near the Mexican
border
59 Blabbed
63 Spread, like fingerpaint
64 "House," in 2006
Down
1 Penny pinching
2 Ganja smoker
3 Get from ___ B
4 "Then ___ longer be in
your mind" (Sheryl Crow
lyric)
5 He took pairs
6 "Nets to Catch the Wind"
poet Elinor
7 Copter parts
8 Second-smallest cont.
9 Org. that named Kenny
Chesney their 2006
Entertainer of the Year
10 David's boyfriend on
"Six Feet Under"
11 Clean
12 Jack and Jim and Spud
13 Stinging herbs
14 Carson's "Tonight
Show" predecessor
15 "Three's Company"
spinoff, with "The"
20 Nasal nugget
22 Famous naked horse
rider
26 Venue for newsgroups
27 New Year's Day, in
Hanoi
31 Tyler of "Jersey Girl"
32 Butter in the field
34 Bad rating
35 Trees of Lebanon
36 Format that looks like
shouting
37 When the villain vows to
catch the hero
38 "I'm amazed!"
43 Surname followed by a
year in video games
45 Lighter stuff
46 Fan
47 Killer ___
49 Willamette University
locale
51 Top
53 Liverpool lineup
56 Hoax
57 Eva and Felicity's costar
60 On the ___ (fleeing)
61 Suffix meaning "place of
business"
62 ___ vivant
©2006 Jonesin'
Crosswords(editor@jonesin
crosswords.com)
For answers to this puzzle,
call: 1-900-226-2800, 99
cents per minute. Must be
18+. Or to bill to
your credit card, call: 1-
800-655-6548. Reference
puzzle #0284.

20 NOVEMBER 22, 2006

Deric spoils the movie
(1:15), (2:05), (4:15), (5:00), 6:55, 7:55, 9:35, 10:30
Casino Royale
Rated PG-13, 2 hr 24 min PASTIME PAVILION CINEMA 8
(1:20), (2:00), 4:10, 5:00, 7:00, 8:00, 9:50 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington
Showtimes nightly at 7:00 & 9:00
(3:00 matinee Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday) Departed, The Borat: Cultural Learnings ofAmerica for Make
Rated R, 2 hr 30 min Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
NOVEMBER 17 - 22 FRIDAY- ONE SCREEN- (1:00), 4:00, 7:00, 9:35 Rated R, 1 hr 24 min
ING ON SATURDAYTHE 18THAT7 P.M. ONLY 4:50, 7:55, 10:00
Employee of the Month
FACTOTUM Rated PG-13, 1 hr 43 min Casino Royale
Starring Matt Dilon and Marisa Tomei. (1:30), 4:15, 7:10, 9:35 Rated PG-13, 2 hr 24 min
4:00, 7:20, 10:30
NOVEMBER 24-30 FRIDAY- THURSDAY Flicka
HALFNELSON Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min Flicka
(1:30), 4:15, 7:00, 9:30 Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min
ONE OF THE NOMINEES FOR BESTPICTURE 4:20, 7:50, 10:05
- 2007 GOTHAMAWARDS Good Year,A
NOMINATEDFORA GRAND JURY PRIZEAT SUNDANCEAND Rated PG-13, 1 hr 58 min FlushedAway
WINNEROFMANYOTHERAWARDS. (1:15), 4:15, 7:15, 9:50 Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min
4:10, 7:00, 9:40
REGAL CINEMA 7 COLUMBIA Harsh Times
3400 Forest Drive, Suite 3000. Rated R, 1 hr 55 min Happy Feet
(1:30), 4:30, 7:30, 10:00 Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min
Babel 5:00, 7:40, 10:20
Rated R, 2 hr 22 min Let's Go to Prison
(12:40), (4:05), 7:00, 10:00 Rated R, 1 hr 24 min Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, The
(1:35), 4:30, 7:20, 9:40 Rated G, 1 hr 38 min 4:40, 7:30, 9:50
Borat: Cultural Learnings ofAmerica for Make
CASINO ROYALE (2006) OPENING IN WIDE RELEASE THIS
Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan MarieAntoinette
Rated PG-13, 1 hr 58 min
Saw III
Rated R, 1 hr 47 min
The best Bond film since GoldenEye WEEK: Rated R, 1 hr 24 min (1:40), 4:20, 7:05, 9:50 (3:50), 7:10, 9:45
By Deric Kempsell (12:20), (2:40), (4:40), 7:40, 10:10
Deck The Halls X Casino Royale One Night With the King Stranger Than Fiction
Rated PG, 2 hr 3 min Rated PG-13, 1 hr 45 min
Casino Royale opens with British Intelligence Agent largestSynopsis: Danny Devito decides to build the world’s
Christmas light display! (1:15), 4:10, 7:15, 9:50 4:30, 7:15, 10:10:10, 10:00
James Bond making his first two kills—and being promoted Rated PG-13, 2 hr 24 min
to revered ‘00’ status— a gritty, yet humorous montage that making Prediction: It’s now OK to add Devito to our ‘stop (12:45), (4:00), 7:15, 10:15 Deck the Halls
movies’ list. Hooray! Open Season AMCDutchSquare14
sets the stage for the rest of the film. Departed, The Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min 800 Bush River Rd., Columbia, SC, 29210
Following a bomb maker in Madagascar, Bond is off Deja Vu X Rated R, 2 hr 30 min (1:15), 4:15, 7:30, 9:55
to the Bahamas to try to track a man known only as Le (1:00), (5:00), 8:15 Borat: Cultural Learnings ofAmerica for Make
Chiffre. Le Chiffre is a private financier to terrorist organi- crime!Synopsis: Denzel Washington travels time…to fight Return, The Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
zations around the world, investing their money then trying Prediction: Hasn’t Denzel been in a movie like this Let's Go to Prison Rated PG-13, 1 hr 25 min Rated R, 1 hr 24 min
to make a profit, legitimately or otherwise. After Bond before? Maybe? Rated R, 1 hr 24 min (1:45), 4:45, 7:30, 9:30 1:00, 3:00, 5:20, 7:45, 10:10
thwarts an elaborate attempt to make money off an explo- (12:05), (2:10), (4:20), 7:25, 9:50
sion in Miami Airport, Le Chiffre loses serious amounts of Return, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning Casino Royale
cash that doesn’t belong to him. He then decides to set up The Fountain X Rated R, 1 hr 24 min Rated PG-13, 2 hr 24 min
a Texas Hold ‘Em poker tournament (blackjack in the book) odyssey Synopsis: Hugh Jackman stars in a 1,000-year (1:45), 4:45, 7:40, 10:00 12:00, 2:15, 3:15, 5:45, 6:45, 9:15, 10:15
about the meaning of life. Rated PG-13, 1 hr 25 min
with a $10 million ‘buy in’ in Montenegro to recover the Prediction: Hugh is good but he’s been in too many (12:10), (2:30), (4:30), 7:30, 9:45 Saw III
funds. As Bond is the best card player in the service he is films lately COLUMBIANA GRANDE CINEMAS Departed, The
commissioned to beat Le Chiffre, so that out of fear from it seems. 1250 Bower Parkway Rated R, 2 hr 30 min
Rated R, 1 hr 47 min
his debtors he will turn to the government with information. (12:00), (2:20), (4:45), 7:20, 9:55 12:30, 3:40, 6:45, 9:50
Ms. Vesper Lynd is introduced as representative of the Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny X Borat: Cultural Learnings ofAmerica for Make
Treasury who will be watching the government’s money as Band Synopsis:of All Time”?
How Tenacious D became the “Greatest CARMIKE WYNNSONG 10 - COLUMBIA Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan FlushedAway
Bond plays. 5320 Forest Drive. Rated R, 1 hr 24 min Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min
Unfortunately Bond loses his initial investment and Prediction: Stupid premise…stupid movie. (12:45), (3:00), (5:20), 7:30, 9:45 12:50, 3:00, 5:10, 7:20, 9:20
Vesper refuses to finance him further. Enter Felix Leiter, Catch a Fire
Bonds’ classic CIA connection. Leiter agrees to finance Rated PG-13, 1 hr 38 min Facing the Giants Good Year,A
Bond and he goes on to win. Also Playing This Week: (1:45), (4:30), 7:15, 9:35 Rated PG, 1 hr 51 min Rated PG-13, 1 hr 58 min
(12:55), 7:10 1:50, 4:20, 7:10, 9:40
Meanwhile Vesper is kidnapped and Bond strikes out Flushed Away √
to rescue her, gets double-crossed in the process, and tor- Synopsis: Animated tale of a pampered mouse who Flicka
Rated PG, 1 hr 40 min Flags of Our Fathers Happy Feet
tured to reveal a secret bank code that will unlock the funds inadvertently winds up in the sewer. Rated R, 2 hr 12 min Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min
he has won. Unfortunately for Le Chiffre and his other kid- Verdict: Yes, animals live in the sewer. As do Futurama (1:30), 7:00
(2:10), (5:05), 8:15 12:00, 1:45, 2:30, 4:30, 5:15, 7:15, 8:00, 9:50, 10:30
nappers the debtors have decided it is time to pay up and reruns. Give us new episodes already
kill Le Chiffre. Bond takes off to Venice with Vesper and FlushedAway
Harsh Times √ Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min FlushedAway Harsh Times
prepares to travel around the world for a month by boat. Synopsis: There are many vices in L.A. when you are Rated PG, 1 hr 26 min Rated R, 1 hr 55 min
All is not as it seems however as Vesper had cut a trying to go straight and get a job as a cop. (1:00), (3:05), (5:10), 7:15, 9:20 Good Year,A
Rated PG-13, 1 hr 58 min (12:50), (3:10), (5:40), 8:00, 10:20 Buy Tickets: 2:20, 5:00, 7:40, 10:10
deal with Le Chiffre’s debtors to spare hers and Bonds life Verdict: Christian Bale will forever sit atop this ‘favorite Let's Go to Prison
for all of the Poker earnings. Leaving a small clue bond actor’ list. (1:15), (4:15), 7:15, 9:50
Happy Feet Rated R, 1 hr 24 min
sets out to find her and inadvertently causes the destruc- Grudge 2, The Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min Buy Tickets: 1:15, 3:20, 5:30, 8:00, 10:20
tion of a canal-side home, trapping Vesper in an elevator Let’s Go to Prison X
Rated PG-13, 1 hr 35 min (12:00), (1:00), (2:00), (2:40), (3:40), (4:45), (5:15), Return, The
shaft, which she proceeds to lock—killing herself. Bond is Synopsis: A criminal gets his revenge when the son of (4:15), 9:40 7:00, 7:40, 8:15, 9:30, 10:10 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 25 min
crushed and as the movie closes we seem him in his pol- his convicting judge is incarcerated with him. Guardian, The Buy Tickets: 2:10, 4:40, 7:00, 9:10
ished suit uttering his trademark phrase and killing LE Verdict: Not so much. Yeah. Next. Rated PG-13, 2 hr 15 min Man of the Year Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, The
Chiffre’s debtor whom Vesper dealt with. The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause X (1:00), (4:00), 7:00, 10:00 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 55 min Rated G, 1 hr 38 min
Casino Royale presents a picture of Bond that was Synopsis: Tim Allen and Martin Short star… (1:05), (3:50), 6:50, 9:25 Buy Tickets: 1:00, 3:20, 5:40, 7:50, 10:05
lost in the last few installments. Here is a man’s man, not Happy Feet Saw III
Verdict: It might have been easier just to pretend this Prestige, The Rated R, 1 hr 47 min
afraid to seduce someone’s wife after taking their car in a movie was never made. Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min
game of cards and then ‘bounce’ on her. Here there is no (12:00), (12:30), (2:25), (2:55), (4:50), (5:20), 7:15, Rated PG-13, 2 hr 15 min Buy Tickets: 2:10, 4:50, 7:45, 10:30
Q, no Moneypenny, no ridiculous gadgets, no evil lairs or Saw III √ 7:45, 9:40, 10:10 (1:10), (4:00), 7:05, 10:00 Stranger Than Fiction
trips into outer space; what Casino Royale presents is Synopsis: Jigsaw returns for this eagerly anticipated Rated PG-13, 1 hr 45 min
some good old-fashioned gritty espionage. The Sony sequel. Man of the Year Queen, The Buy Tickets: 2:00, 4:45, 7:30, 10:00
image branding is a little overdone (yes we see your Vaio Verdict: The first still wins, yet this installment is Rated PG-13, 1 hr 55 min Rated PG-13, 1 hr 37 min
laptop and Sony Ericsson phone already. And are you driv- gross. (1:20), (4:30), 7:10, 9:45 (1:50), (4:30), 7:20, 9:50 THE BIG MO DRIVE IN
ing a FORD?) but far less so than previous installments. 5822 Columbia Highway North, Monetta
Stranger than Fiction √ Running With Scissors Take I-20 to exit 33 (SC Route 39)
Technically the film is considered a ‘reboot,’ wherein the Synopsis: Will Ferrell’s life mirrors that of a fictitious Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, The
series has been started from scratch (although Judi Dench character and he hears the author writing it. Rated G, 1 hr 38 min Rated R, 2 hr 2 min Take SC 39 to Monetta, SC (approx. 7
reprises her role as M) and is a great showcase for Martin (1:00), (3:15), 5:30, 7:45, 10:00 Stranger Than (3:30), 9:40 miles.) Turn right onto US 1.
Verdict: Oh sure we gave it a shot. And it was OK. Fiction The drive-in is approximately one mile
Campbell (director of GoldenEye) who now has two incred- That’s all. OK. Next.
ible Bond movies under his belt. While Casino Royale may Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, The down US 1 on the right.
Man of the Year √ Rated PG-13, 1 hr 45 min Rated G, 1 hr 38 min
not hold what you are looking for if you are hoping to see (12:45), (3:20), (5:45), 8:10 Screen 1
Bond save the world, it is a breath of fresh air in an other- Synopsis: A political comedian wins the Oval Office. (1:30), (4:15), 7:00, 9:40
Verdict: Is this a warning for comedic presidential Happy Feet
wise stale franchise— and cheers to Daniel Craig for carry- Saw III Santa Clause 3
ing the mantle of Bond forward proudly. “wannabe's” in 2008? CARMIKE CINEMAS 14
122Afton Court. Rated R, 1 hr 47 min
Classic Movie Spoiler: (2:35), (5:10), 7:50, 10:25 Screen 2
GoldenEye (1995): Babel Casinbo Royale
Casino Royale (2006) starring Daniel Craig, Judi Stranger Than Fiction Stranger Than Fiction
Dench, Mads Mikkelsen, Eva Green and Jeffrey Wright is Synopsis: In Pierce Brosnan’s first stint as 007, Bond Rated R, 2 hr 22 min
(1:00), 4:00, 7:00, 10:00 Rated PG-13, 1 hr 45 min
directed by Martin Campbell and rated PG-13 for intense investigates the head of the shady Janus group.
sequences of violent action, a scene of torture, sexual con- Spoiler: He discovers Janus is former fellow agent 006
tent and nudity. believed to be dead for years. NOVEMBER 22, 2006 21
 Savage
CONFESSIONS OF A RECEDING HAIRLINE
BY HARRY S. LARCH dome existence so I’m not really too worked up about bald. As Ford might put it, “You have to f#!k with hair.
it. And when I experimentally shaved my head last Every movie I try desperately to do something so peo-

Love
There are two types of people in this world: year I was pleased to discover that I have a fairly sexy
ple aren't f#!king picking at it all the time.”
those who have full heads of hair and those who wish round head. Or as my wife calls it “the Stone Cold Maybe it’s just me but I’m having a difficult time
such people were dead. Also lumped into the second Steve Austin look— minus the flat abs.” picturing Robert Duvall in the intrepid role of Indy or
category would be Socrates, Yul Brynner and The But it’s this interim stage of ‘going bald’ that real-
Stanley Tucci as Han Solo.
Coneheads. ly annoys me. Every time I walk into a mirrored eleva- Oh well. For now, there’s still something to
Hair follicles such as mine do not respond kindly tor—about 12 times a day at work—the crown of my f#!king pick on my head—even if it’s a little f#!king less
to roller coaster years and this past year has been par- head looks as though drunken mini aliens used it for a each day. Yet something inside me is desperate to
ticularly (un)harrying to my pate.
I spent three months in a hospital bed
crop circle testing ground. stay on to the bitter end and maintain the hair still SEX ADVICE COLUMN
there. BY DAN SAVAGE
recovering from a football-sized open wound on Perhaps I’ll start telling people that my
my leg; then another three months in Chicago head is doing an interpretative dance of the
hobbling around on a cane desperate to find deforestation of the Amazon Basin. Or per-
work before my wedding. But most troubling of I live in Colorado Springs, home to the right-wing conser-
haps I can dupe people into believing I’m vative evangelical movement. As the nation recently learned,
all, I married a woman of Irish-Catholic descent taking forehead growth hormones.
on the condition that I would begin cheering for the founder of New Life Church, Ted Haggard, was fired after a
Here’s what I won’t do: I will never don male prostitute revealed that Haggard bought sex and drugs
Notre Dame football. a toupee, attempt a comb-over or spend my from him. It's hard not to feel a bit sorry for him, even though I
You might ask: was there a particular life savings on hair plugs. Nor will I join a have always hated everything Haggard stood for. Does
moment when I realized I would spend the rest monastery just because I have a natural Haggard deserve our sympathy? Or do we point our fingers
of my life under the ignominious, yet smooth tonsure. and laugh?
penumbra of baldness? Instead I will do what manly men have
Why yes, actually there was. When I was been doing for thousands of years; the only Confused Coloradoan
10 my mother and I were reviewing family pho- hirsute option accorded to my gender: I will
tograph albums and it dawned on me that all of We should make a joyful noise, CC, whenever a powerful
grow a beard. hypocrite is exposed. God should bless Mike Jones, the male
my male relatives over the age of 22 had heads A beard to rival the facial hair of Noah,
that could be hired out as concave reflectors. prostitute who exposed Ted Haggard, and you should balance
Moses and ZZ Top. A beard so long and of whatever sympathy you feel for Haggard against the misery he
When I asked my mother about this she such Franciscan desire that all the birds of inflicted on the countless numbers of gay young people his
said, “Yes, son, you’ll be bald someday. Soon.” the air will nest within its bushy grandeur. A church has "counseled." If you want to feel bad for someone,
Then as if to comfort me she added, “But for beard that will make me indistinguishable feel bad for Haggard's kids, not Haggard himself.
every hair you lose on your head you’ll gain one from Father Time, Santa Claus and Now, I realize Haggard is ancient fucking history at this
somewhere else.” Michelangelo’s Sistine God the Creator— point—there was an election last week, huh?—but there's
Needless to say I was petrified when minus the flat abs, of course. something I just gotta get off my chest: For more than a
puberty hit. I feared that soon I would look like But for now those lines from T.S. decade, the religious right has insisted that homosexuality can
Lars Crigler, the bald, 12-year-old chemo-case be cured. Just give your heart to Jesus and—poof!—you're
So how does one bow out gracefully from the Eliot’s “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” just keep straight! If there is any justice in the world—and there seems to
in my class. world of hair? mocking me:
But like Dickinson’s Specter of Death, be, judging from last week's election returns—Haggard's
I could go the Kevin-Costner-in-The-Bodyguard downfall should be the death of the "ex-gay" movement. No
Androgenetic Alopecia was kind enough to stop for me short hair route. Costner is often credited with this With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— more ex-gay ad campaigns, no more credulous stories about
two decades later. couture creation but it was actually Harrison Ford who [They will say: How his hair is growing thin!] "successful" ex-gays in daily papers or on cable news.
Mom was right: For every inch of receded hair- brought short hair back into fashion in 1990 with his Arguing with religious people about the futility of giving
line a thick crop of follicles has sprouted in my ears deco bald coiffure in Presumed Innocent. Oh well. your heart to Jesus—at least where "cures" for homosexual ori-
and nose, on my back and just about everywhere else While we’re on the subject, the actor who not Prince Hamlet, nor was I meant to be. entation are concerned—can be maddening. As with evolution,
with the exception of my fingernails and eyeballs. brought us Han Solo and Indiana Jones has men- they're not moved by science, data, or irksome facts. Not even
I’ve had two decades to prepare for a chrome tioned in numerous interviews that he wishes he were the existence of ex-ex-gays gives them pause. Anything is pos-
y y sible through Christ, they blandly insist, and if you're sincere
enough in your devotion to Christ, if you invite him into your
heart, he will cure you.
Hello, fundies? I know you're reading this, because every
week I get e-mails from concerned Christians who just hap-
Edited by Will Shortz No. 0320 pened to chance upon my column—cough, cough—and write
ACROSS 41 Occupied, as a DOWN 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
lavatory
to share the wonderful news: I don't have to be gay! If I give my
1 “No bid,” in 1 Doorkeepers’ heart to Jesus he will cure me!
14 15 16
bridge 42 Them, to us demands, briefly Well, my fundie friends, did you see that letter of apology
6 Settled, as a bill 44 Buenos Aires’s 2 Paid player
land: Abbr.
17 18 19
Haggard wrote to his congregation? I'd like to wrap it around a
10 Go after, as flies 3 “How adorable!” brick and shove it up all of your fat asses. But since I can't do
14 BBC sci-fi 47 Zany 20 21
4 Sand bar that, I'll just quote from it. In his mea gulpa (Haggard gives
classic 50 Sgt. or cpl.
5 “Darn it all!”
22 23 24 25 lousy head, according to Jones), Haggard copped to "sexual
15 Shows on TV 51 Adds to, as a immorality" and described himself as "a deceiver and a liar."
16 Head, in France bar bill 6 Danish or tart 26 27 28 29 30
Those details made it into most of the headlines. These details
54 Person from 7 Sony competitor
17 Carouse, when
Pocatello
31 32 33 34 35 didn't:
young 8 Colored eye "Describing a lifelong battle against temptations that were
56 Colorful Apple part 36 37 38 39 40
20 Main arteries contrary to his teachings," says the Denver Post, "[Haggard]
computers
21 Out, as a candle
57 One of the
9 High-speed 41 42 43 had sought assistance 'in a variety of ways,' and while he had
22 Go gaga over Internet inits. stretches of 'freedom,' nothing proved effective. 'There is a part
Gabor sisters
25 Volkswagen bug 59 “Now tell me 10 Sturdy wall 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring
something I composition against it all of my adult life,' Haggard wrote." (Emphasis
26 “Who ___ to 51 52 53 54 55
argue?” don’t know” 11 Riches added.)
27 Place of refuge 64 Transport on 12 Historic Hun
56 57 58 If you believe that Jesus Christ can change the sexual ori-
30 Part of Ralph
rails
13 Consumer 59 60 61 62 63
entation of a believer, why on earth did he refuse to cure
Kramden’s 65 Perched on Reports Haggard? He founded a church that has 14,000 members!
laugh 66 Blackmore’s employee 64 65 66 Thousands were brought to Christ by Haggard's preaching.
31 The fifth letter “Lorna ___” 18 Greek god of Mixed in with Ted's meth-fueled gay sex romps and hypocriti-
67 68 69
of “garage,” but 67 Concerning, in love cal gay bashings were, without a doubt, thousands of good
not the first a memo works.
19 Scheduled to Puzzle by Earl W. Reed and Nancy Salomon
33 Got up 68 Mollycoddle arrive 37 Gas station 45 Water cooler 57 Letter after Did Jesus help Haggard out? No. Haggard tried to battle
36 Clinch the game 69 Came to a close 22 Notes after mis fixture tidbits epsilon off his "dark" desires, but nothing proved effective. There was
38 Happy ___ clam 46 Bother horribly 58 Neatnik’s no cure for Haggard, no miracle. No matter how long he strug -
23 Old Testament
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE book 39 City near Tahoe 48 U.S. operative opposite gled, no matter how much faith he had, Haggard's sexual ori-
C U D D L E T A R
P A P E R 40 1978 Village 49 Wood-shaping 60 Key above caps entation remained unchanged. Nothing helped.
24 Prison sentence
A N O R A K A G U
I L E R A that may be People hit tool lock If giving his heart to Jesus couldn't cure Haggard, what
M I M I N G R U S
T L E R S “without parole” 43 Over there, 52 Doofus 61 Silent hope is there for the likes of me? If Jesus can't be bothered to
S T I N K R E S
T S T O P 25 Univ. class old-style 53 Can./Mex. acknowledgment work a miracle for the most powerful evangelical minister in the
H A N K L A Y S I
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22 NOVEMBER 22, 2006

 Free Classifieds in Print & On-Line at www.columbiacitypaper.com
Services
Would you like to know if your name has
a Coat of Arms? (Family Crest) 2 prints
of your Coat of Arms or yours & a gift for
the price of 1 print we will research your
name and print it. Great for gift giving!
“It’s All In The Name”, 605 Harden St.,
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Here’s a dreadnought guitar with lami-
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seeking new bass player. Alt. Rock. We
play in bars so adults please. Call Brad
@(803)343-0406 or hear us at
www.myspace.com/figure1a
BLUES SINGER WANTED!!!!
Wanted..... a BLUES SINGER who can
su|do|ku
also play RHYTHM GUITAR for a local
WORKING Blues Band. Please call
James at 803-383-2881 or Jimmy at
803-269-1776.
DECEMBER 16, Saturday, noon-6:00
pm. Free event for everyone!
Bring your family & join in on our
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Events going on: St. Nick (looks like the
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Musicians
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LEAD SINGER NEEDED.
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LIBBY AND THE
Labels ISO of versatile lead guitar play-
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Fill in the grid so that every row, column
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Must know dynamics and be able to play
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Real Estate
NEWLY REMODELED
3 bdrms, 2 bths Brick Ranch. Must See
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Employment
SUPPER THYME USA
is seeking dishwasher. Tues., Thurs., &
Sat. $6-$7/hour. Call to inquire 803-732-
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CABINET INSTALLERS NEEDED
for FT construction company. DT & DL
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DOWNTOWN CAFE NOW
hiring for KITCHEN, COUNTER, &
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UPSCALE SALON & SPA Hiring Exp FT
& PT Hair Stylist & Nail Techs Call 254-
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HOLISTIC HEALTH CENTER
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Automotive
CAR FOR SALE 1997 Ford Escort
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'00 TOYOTA COROLLA
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'01 MITSUBISHI ECLIPSE
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'96 HONDA ACCORD
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'92 CADILLAC SEVILLE.
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Call B & L Auto Sales 755-9148
2000 HARLEY DAVIDSON FXDWG
This is THE bike. Black and yellow with
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$12,500 obo. Call Travis at 803-920-
2659.
1998 Mazda 626. Already bought a new
car just looking to get rid of as quick as
possible. 107000 miles, automatic
trans., no major accidents and no dam-
age in the interior or exterior of car.
Dustin Keith
803-2534160 ext 258
NOVEMBER 22, 2006
1987 Ford Ranger Pickup. Vin#
IFTBR10A3HUA04433. 68,000 miles on
ODO. Forrest Green Color. Runs very
well: new plugs (old ones were clean),
new shocks, all new front end parts. This
is an excellent work truck. My driver lost
his license so the truck doesn't get much
use, but it never fails to start right up! 4
cyl gets 20mpg!$2,000 obo...
Call Gary @ 803-767-7044
email: searchassociates@msn.com for
pics
1995 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo. Vin
1J4GZ58SOSC627865. Forrest Green.
180,000 miles. Nice ride! Interior clean -
shows little wear. Light paint oxidation
on right hood, fender and door. 20mpg
on the road and 15-18 in town. Class III
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miles. Very reliable and will get you there
and back as fast as you want to go!
$3000 obo
Call Gary @ 803-767-7044
This is a 2006 Black Chevy Equinox. It is
in GREAT condition and never been
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miles. It has one owner and taken well
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It has a gray interior with cloth seats. It
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23