HANDOUT ON

ASSERTIVENESS

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CONTENTS

1: Understanding Assertiveness

• Life positions
• Transactional Analysis
• What is Assertiveness
• Passive, Aggressive and Assertive behaviour
• Advantages of assertive behaviour

2: Self Awareness

• Evaluating your life position

• How assertive are you?

3: Concepts / Models on Assertive Communication

• Diagnosing communication style

• Verbal/ Non verbal aspects of Behaviour
• Assertive – Responsive model
• Assertion vis-à-vis Power
• Six types of assertions
• A model for influencing others

4: Tips on Assertive Communication

• Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness

• 20 ways to say NO
• Top 10 ways to be effectively assertive
• Helpful hints for assertive behaviour

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Wisdom lies not in the
amount of knowledge
acquired,

But in the degree of its

application.

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 COMMUNICATION

Every communication has a sender and a receiver , and in order to understand

communication, it is essential to understand the dynamics of the
transactions(stimulus and response) that happens between the sender and receiver,
and the various factors that cause the transactions to happen in a particular way.
Let us start with understanding transactions in communication.

Sender Receiver

55 %
Body Language
Voice (Tone) 38 %
Content- Words 7%

The communication that we have with others stems out from our life positions.
Depending on our experiences since birth, we all get into a particular life position
and operate dominantly out of that particular life position. All our communication
and transactions therefore happen accordingly. Let us understand what are life
positions.

LIFE POSITIONS

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 I You Life Position

NOT OK OK PASSIVE

O.K. - NOT O.K. AGGRESSIVE

NOT O.K - NOT O.K. PASSIVE- AGGRESSIVE

O.K. O.K. ASSERTIVE

I'M NOT OK
I'M OK
YOU'RE OK
YOU'RE OK
"I wish I could do that as well as you
"Hey, we're making good progress now"
do"
I'M NOT OK I'M OK
YOU'RE NOT OK YOU'RE NOT OK

"Oh this is terrible - we'll never make "You're not doing that right - let me show
it" you"

People will move around the grid depending on the situation, but have a preferred
position that they tend to revert to. This is strongly influenced by experiences and
decisions in early life.

"I'm OK, you're OK" people are in the 'get on with' position. They're confident and
happy about life and work, and interact by collaboration and mutual respect, even
when they disagree.

I'm OK, you're not OK" people are in the 'get rid of' position. They tend to get angry
and hostile, and are smug and superior. They belittle others, who they view as
incompetent and untrustworthy, and are often competitive and power-hungry.

I'm not OK, you're OK" is the 'get away from' position. These people feel sad,
inadequate or even stupid in comparison to others. They undervalue their skills and
contribution and withdraw from problems.

I'm not OK, you're not OK" is the 'get nowhere' position. These people feel
confused or aimless. They don't see the point of doing anything, and so usually
don't bother.

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 TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS

Ego States

Controlling Parent CP NP Nurturing Parent

Adult
A

Adapted Child AC Free Child

FC

Controlling Parent (Firmness, Control)

+ves: Great when there’s a need to be firm, appropriate when colleagues /
customers are taking unfair advantage.
-ves: Can be seen as bossy and overbearing, opinionated, over smart, know-it-all.

Nurturing Parent (Nurturing, Caring)

+ves: Essential human quality, great “people” people, often badly needed in
organizations
-ves: Excessive “mothering” can sometimes hinder people development

Adult (Logical, Problem solving)

+ves: Rationality, good judgment, problem-solving, decision making, objective,
practical
-ves: Could be seen as boring and pedantic. Not enough emotion, absence of
humor / fun / spontaneity.
Adapted Child (Politeness, Courtesy)
+ves: Adaptable to circumstances, conformity, good manners, pleasant, likeable
-ves: May be perceived as lack of confidence, may not be given responsibility,

unable to resist unreasonable demands from colleagues / customers, lack of

“presence”.

Free Child (Friendliness, Creativity)

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+ves: Display of genuine feelings, impulsive actions, the ideal state for
brainstorming, willingness to ask questions and express curiosity.
-ves: Risk of being labeled immature, childish, over-emotional, not serious.

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What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the
rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open, and honest communication which is
self-enhancing and expressive. Acting assertively will allow you to feel self-confident
and will generally gain you the respect of your peers and friends. It can increase
your chances for honest relationships, and help you to feel better about yourself and
your self-control in everyday situations. This, in turn, will improve your decision-
making ability and possibly your chances of getting what you really want from life.

"Assertiveness basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a
way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with
the other" (The Wellness Workbook, Ryan and Travis). However, before you can
comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a legitimate right to
have those needs. Keep in mind that you have the following rights:

• The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own
goals and dreams and establishing your own priorities.
• The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions -- and the right
to respect yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.
• The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.
• The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.
• The right to express yourself and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't
understand," or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you
need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.
• The right to ask for information or help -- without having negative feelings
about your needs.
• The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act
illogically -- with full understanding and acceptance of the consequences.
• The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and to sometimes
do less than you are capable of doing.
• The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel
comfortable and free to express yourself honestly -- and the right to change
or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.
• The right to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine.

When you don't believe you have these rights -- you may react very passively to
circumstances and events in your life. When you allow the needs, opinions, and
judgments of others to become more important than your own, you are likely to feel
hurt, anxious, and even angry. This kind of passive or nonassertive behavior is often
indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying.

Many people feel that attending to their legitimate needs and asserting their rights
translates to being selfish. Selfishness means being concerned about only your
rights, with little or no regard for others. Implicit in your rights is the fact that you
are concerned about the legitimate rights of others as well.

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Selfishness and Aggressiveness

When you behave selfishly, or in a way that violates the rights of others, you are, in
fact, acting in a destructive, aggressive manner --rather than in a constructive,
assertive manner. There is a very fine line that divides the two manners of action.

Aggressiveness means that you express your rights but at the expense,
degradation, or humiliation of another. It involves being so emotionally or physically
forceful that the rights of others are not allowed to surface. Aggressiveness usually
results in others becoming angry or vengeful, and as such, it can work against your
intentions and cause people to lose respect for you. You may feel self-righteous or
superior at a particular time -- but after thinking things through, you may feel guilty
later.

What Assertiveness Will Not Do

Asserting yourself will not necessarily guarantee you happiness or fair treatment by
others, nor will it solve all your personal problems or guarantee that others will be
assertive and not aggressive. Just because you assert yourself does not mean you
will always get what you want; however, lack of assertiveness is most certainly one
of the reasons why conflicts occur in relationships.

Specific Techniques for Assertiveness

1. Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel. The
following statements project this preciseness:
o "I want to..."
o "I don't want you to..."
o "Would you...?"
o "I liked it when you did that."
o "I have a different opinion, I think that..."
o "I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons,
but I am disturbed about these aspects for these reasons."

It can be helpful to explain exactly what you mean and exactly what you
don't mean, such as "I don't want to break up over this, but I'd like to talk it
through and see if we can prevent it from happening again.

Be direct. Deliver your message to the person for whom it is intended. If you
want to tell Jane something, tell Jane; do not tell everyone except Jane; do not
tell a group, of which Jane happens to be a member.

2. "Own" your message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your
frame of reference, your conception of good vs. bad or right vs. wrong, your
perceptions. You can acknowledge ownership with personalized ("I")
statements such as "I don't agree with you" (as compared to "You're wrong")
or "I'd like you to mow the lawn" (as compared to "You really should mow the

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 lawn, you know"). Suggesting that someone is wrong or bad and should
change for his or her own benefit when, in fact, it would please you will only
foster resentment and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation.

3. Ask for feedback. "Am I being clear? How do you see this situation? What do
you want to do?" Asking for feedback can encourage others to correct any
misperceptions you may have as well as help others realize that you are
expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Encourage
others to be clear, direct, and specific in their feedback to you.

Learning to Become More Assertive

As you learn to become more assertive, remember to use your assertive "skills"
selectively. It is not just what you say to someone verbally, but also how you
communicate nonverbally with voice tone, gestures, eye contact, facial expression
and posture that will influence your impact on others. You must remember that it
takes time and practice, as well as a willingness to accept yourself as you make
mistakes, to reach the goal of acting assertively. As you practice your techniques, it
is often helpful to have accepting relationships and a supportive environment.
People who understand and care about you are your strongest assets.

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 INTERPERSONAL STYLE

For each statement below, decide which of the following answers best applies to
you. Place the number of the answer to the left of the statement.

Write : 4 if it is most like you.

3 if it is almost like you.
2 if it is some what like you.
1 if it is seldom like you.

____ 1. I respond with more modesty than I really feel when my work is
complimented.

____ 2. If people are rude, I will be rude right back.

____ 3. Other people find me interesting.

____ 4. I find it difficult to speak up in a group of strangers.

____ 5. I don't mind using sarcasm if it helps me make a point.

____ 6. I ask for credit when I feel I really deserve it.

____ 7. If others interrupt me when I am talking, I suffer in silence.

____ 8. If people criticize my work, I find a way to make them back down.

____ 9. I can express pride in my accomplishments without being boastful.

____ 10. People take advantage of me.

____ 11. I tell people what they want to hear if it helps me get what I want.

____ 12. I find it easy to ask for help.

____ 13. I lend things to others even when I don't really want to.

____ 14. I win arguments by dominating the discussion.

____ 15. I can express my true feelings to someone I really care for.

____ 16. When I feel angry with other people, I bottle it up rather than express it.

____ 17. When I criticize someone else's work they get mad.

____ 18. I feel confident in my ability to stand up for my rights.

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INTERPERSONAL STYLE

Scoring

To calculate your interpersonal style scores, refer to the responses you gave.

Your passive score is the total of answers to items 1, 4, 7, 10, 13 and 16.

Your aggressive score is the total of your answers to items 2, 5, 8, 11, 14 and 17.

Your assertive score is the total of your answers to items 3, 6, 9, 12, 15 and 18.

Put these score in the appropriate box below. Your score in each box will range
between 6 and 24.

Passive ______________

Aggressive ___________

Assertive ____________

This score evaluates your basic interpersonal style in terms of the emphasis you
place on passive, aggressive and assertive behaviors.

Passive behavior is inhibited and submissive. Individuals who score high in passive
behavior seek to avoid conflicts and tend to sublimate their own needs and feelings
in order to satisfy other people.

Aggressive behavior is the opposite of passiveness; it is domineering, pushy, self-

centered and without regard for the feelings or rights of others. People who score
high in assertiveness express their ideas and feelings openly, stand up for their
rights and so in a way that makes it easier for others to do the same.

The assertive person is therefore straight forward yet sensitive to the needs of
others. Assertiveness improves interpersonal communication because the more
assertive you are, the more assertive you encourage others to be. So assertiveness
facilitates more effective interactions because it lessens defensiveness, domination
and putting down other people.

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 Communication Styles

HI
OPENLY AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR
BEHAVIOUR

D I am direct in expressing my I clearly express my needs, wants

needs, wants and opinions and and opinions in a way, which is
I I give no thought to other considerate of others.
people’s.
R I WIN, YOU WIN

E I WIN, YOU LOSE

C PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PASSIVE BEHAVIOUR

BEHAVIOUR
T
I indirectly make sure that I do not express my needs, wants
N others are aware of my needs, and opinions directly. I put
wants and opinions and that others’ needs above my own.
E these are more important than
theirs.
S
I LOSE, YOU WIN
I LOSE, YOU LOSE
S

CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS HI

LO

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 Diagnosing the Communication Styles

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PASSIVE ASSERTIVE

AGGRESSIVE

Words Qualifies, Blames, Sarcastic, Clear, concise,

apologises, accuses; “Do blaming; “Oh constructive.
“I’m sorry; It’s as I say, don’t really!” “I
not important” argue” recommend.”
“How does
that sound?”

Tone of Soft, hesitant Loud, sharp Snide, Steady, calm

voice taunting

Body Averted, Stares, body Tuts, sighs, Good eye

language closed taut raised contact, open
eyebrows, body language
clenched fists

Why people Lack of Lack of Lack of Confident,

act this way confidence; confidence; confidence; high self-
low self- low self- low self- esteem
esteem esteem esteem

Effect on you Lack of May have a On a short Positive,

and others respect for short term term basis mutual
person who is effect but these people respect. Good
passive, others will may appear long term
tendency to generally funny, but this relationships
use passive avoid these is always at
people as people, there others’
doormats will be poor expense.
relationships Leads to
and lack of avoidance and
respect. lack of respect

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 Verbal Aspects of Behaviour

Non-verbal Aspects of Assertion, Aggression and Non Assertion

Non-verbal behaviour refers to all the observable aspects of behaviour that

accompany speech, apart from the words themselves. These are:

Voice:
The tone: sarcastic or sincere; warm or cold; rich and expressive or dull and flat. The
volume: shouting; barely audible; or medium volume

Speech pattern:
Slow, hesitant, fast, jerky, abrupt or steady even pace

Facial expression:
Brow: wrinkled or smooth
Eyebrows: wrinkled or smooth
Jaw: set firm or relaxed

Eye contact:
Whether the speaker looks at other people or the surroundings and for how long

Body movement:
Movement with individual parts of the body (for example, head, hands)

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Movement and position of the whole body

Non-verbal Aspects of Assertion, Non Assertion and Aggression

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 Assertive/Responsive Model

Assertion refers to behaviour that involves:

• Standing up for your own rights in such a way that you do not violate
another person's rights
• Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and beliefs in direct,
honest and appropriate ways
So, assertiveness is based on beliefs that in any situation:
• You have needs to be met
• The other people have needs to be met
• You have rights, so do others
• You have something to contribute, so do others
The aim of assertion is to satisfy the needs and wants of both parties in the situation
(known as 'Win/Win').

Non-assertion refers to behaviour which involves the following:

• Failing to stand up for your rights or doing so in such a way that others
can easily disregard them
• Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and beliefs in apologetic,
diffident or self-effacing ways

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 • Failing to express honestly your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and
beliefs

Non-assertion is based upon the beliefs that in any situation:

• The other person's needs and wants are more important than your own
• The other person has rights but you do not
• You have little or nothing to contribute; the other person has a great deal
to contribute
The aim of non-assertion is to avoid conflict and to please others.

Aggression refers to behaviour that consists of the following:

• Standing up for your own rights, but doing so in such a way that you
violate the rights of other people
• Ignoring or dismissing the needs, wants, opinions, feelings or beliefs of
others
• Expressing your own needs, wants and opinions (which may be honest or
dishonest) in inappropriate ways

Aggressive behaviour is based on the belief that:

• Your own needs, wants and opinions are more important than other
people's
• You have rights but other people do not
• You have something to contribute; others have little or nothing to
contribute
The aim of aggression is to win, if necessary, at the expense of others.

Example of the three different behaviour

Situation:
Taking an unsatisfactory letter back to the person who produced it

Assertion:
'John, I'd like you to re-do this letter as there are several mistakes in it.'

Non-assertion:
You find an excuse not to take the letter back, or you say: 'I know it's um .... any
chance at all you could find a spare minute to um just change one or two small
things on this letter for me.'

Aggression:
'I don't know how you've got the nerve to give me this sort of stuff for signing. It's

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full of mistakes.’

Assertiveness and Power Choices

Non-assertive
• Gives everyone else their choice, puts everyone else first, even at own
expense
Aggressive
• Makes all the decisions: everyone else has no choice
Assertive
• I can make decisions and so can you, we both have the right to an opinion
and a choice

Assertiveness Preparation Checklist

• Get clear in your own mind what it is specifically that you want. i.e. your
"bottom line" objective
• Clarify your own and the other person's rights
• Practice the assertiveness statement with which you intend to start the
transaction to ensure that it is neither non-assertive nor aggressive

Rights you have Within the Area of Assertiveness

These derive from various humanistic beliefs such as "All people are equal", "All
people are entitled to freedom". They are similar to the statements underpinning
the constitutions of many countries and the universal declaration of human rights.

All people are equal

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This is not to say that all people are the same, but rather that, regardless of race,
colour, creed, background or behaviour, all people are of equal value as human
beings. Thus your colleague may put forward different ideas from yours (some
might say 'better ideas'): this does not mean that he is a better person than you, or
a more valuable person; it merely means that he is different.

All people are entitled to freedom

This is to say, all people are free to do and be what they like provided they do not
affect others, taking away their freedom of choice. So, for instance, you are free to
listen to your transistor on the beach provided you do not inflict that choice on
others who prefer not to listen.

As with any belief system, an assertive belief system affects the rights you give
yourself and others, which in turn affects your behaviour.

The following list contains some of the general rights that are available to you under
"assertiveness". They are important if you want to behave assertively in many
situations in your life.
• I have the right to have and express opinions, views and ideas which may
or may not be different from other peoples - and so do you
• I have the right to have these opinions, views and ideas listened to and
respected (not necessarily agreed with or put on a 'pedestal', but
accepted as being valid for you) - and so do you
• I have the right to have needs and wants that may be different from other
peoples - and so do you
• I have the right to ask (not demand) that others respond to your needs
and wants - and so do you
• I have the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty or selfish - and so
do you
• I have the right to have feelings and to express them assertively if I so
choose - and so do you
• I have the right to be 'human', e.g. to be wrong sometimes - and so do you
• I have the right to decide not to assert myself (e.g. to choose not to raise
a particular issue) - and so do you
• I have the right to be true to my own self; this may be the same as, or
different from, what others would like me to be (it includes choosing
friends, interests, etc.) - and so do you
• I have the right to have others respect my rights - and so do you

All this underpins the right to be assertive.

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 SIX TYPES OF ASSERTION

Adapted from "Assertiveness at work" by Ken and Kate Back.

1. Basic assertion

A statement where you state your position, make clear your needs, wants, beliefs,
opinions or feelings.

This type of assertion is used everyday to make your needs known. In addition you
use it to give praise or compliments, information or facts, or when raising an issue
with someone for the first time.

Examples of Basic Assertion:

• "I need to be away by 5 o'clock"
• "I feel pleased with the way the issue has been resolved"
• "The cost will be £2,000"
• "I haven't thought about that before, I'd like time to think about your
idea."

2. Empathetic assertion

This assertion contains an element of recognition of the other person's feelings,

needs or wants, as well as a statement of your needs and wants.

This type of assertion can be used when the other person is involved in a situation
that may be counter productive with your needs and you want to indicate that you
are aware of and sensitive to his position.

Empathetic assertion is useful in holding you back from over - reacting with
aggression when it causes you to give yourself time to imagine the other person's
position and therefore slow down your response.

Examples of Empathetic assertion:

• "I appreciate that you don't like the new procedure, however, until its
changed, I'd like you to keep working on it."

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 • "I know you're busy at the moment, John, but I'd like to make a request of
you."
• "I recognise that it's difficult to be precise on costs, however, I need a
rough estimate."

3. Consequence assertion

This informs the other person of the consequences for them of not changing their
behaviour. This is the strongest form and is seen as a last resort behaviour. It can
easily be seen as threatening and therefore aggressive. Only use this form of
assertion when you have sanctions to apply, and only when you are prepared to
apply them.

Examples of Consequence assertion:

• "If you continue to withhold the information, I am left with no option, but
to bring in the production director. I'd prefer not to."
• "I'm not prepared, John, to let any of my staff cooperate with yours on the
project, unless you give them access to the same facilities that your
people have."
• "If this occurs again, I'm left with no alternative, but to apply the formal
disciplinary procedure. I'd prefer not to."

A Few Words of Warning:

Phrases from empathetic assertion can be over - used and become insincere, for
example "I appreciate your feelings, but..." in this case the currency of empathy is
devalued by the word "but" and the phrase becomes aggression masked as
assertion. In TA terms, an ulterior transaction results.

Alternatively, putting the other persons needs before your own could lead you to
behave non - assertively. For example if you see a colleague is busy and saying to
yourself "oh, he's too busy to talk right now, I won't disturb him." This is sympathy,
not empathy!

4. Discrepancy assertion

Pointing out a discrepancy between what has previously been agreed and what is
actually happening. This is useful for clarifying whether there is a misunderstanding
or a contradiction, and when a person' s behaviour does not match their words.

Examples of Discrepancy assertion:

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 • "As I understand it, we agreed that Project A was top priority. Now you're
asking me to give more time to Project B. I'd like to clarify which is now
the priority."
• "Paul, on the one hand you are saying that you want to improve
cooperation between our departments, but on the other hand you make
statements about us that make it difficult for us to cooperate. I agree that
we can improve the situation, so I'd like to talk about that."

5. Negative feelings assertion

Here you draw attention to the undesirable affect another person's behaviour is
having on you. Used when you are experiencing very negative feelings towards
another person - anger, resentment, hurt and so on. This allows you to deal with the
feelings without making an uncontrolled outburst, and alerts the other person to the
effects of their actions on you.

Elements of Negative feelings assertion:

• "When you leave it this late to produce your report...
(objective description of other's behaviour)
...it involves my working over the weekend.
(specific effects of that behaviour on you)
• I feel annoyed about this, so in future...
(description of your feelings)
• ...I'd like to receive it by Friday lunch time."
(preference statement)

For example, " When you continually interrupt me when I'm working on the balance
sheets, it means I have to start all over again. I'm feeling irritated by this, so I would
prefer you to wait until I have finished."

6. Broken Record

This is a technique using a progression of assertiveness styles, remember to first

establish your "bottom line" that is, what it is you specifically want.

Always begin with the mildest stance, getting more and more assertive as you see
fit. Avoid jumping in with the heaviest consequences stance, it will be a threat, NOT
assertive behaviour.

Example of taking an item back to a shop, with the aim of replacing the faulty item
with a good one, using all levels of assertiveness, while repeating own need.

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Basic
• "I bought this clock here yesterday. The button for moving the hands isn't
working properly so I'd like to exchange it please"
At this point the assistant will either agree or:
• "The clock should have been checked before it left the shop"

Empathetic
• "I realise that would have made things easier, however, I would still like to
replace it."
At this point the assistant will either agree or:
• "I don't have the authority to exchange things"
Response "I would still like it to be replaced."
• After a few exchanges the level could be raised to:

Consequence
• "I would like the item changed. If you are not prepared to do that I will
take the matter up with your Head Office. I would prefer to resolve it now."

When to use Assertion

ALWAYS USE THE MINIMUM DEGREE OF ASSERTION FOR ACHIEVING YOUR

AIM.

• If you use strong assertion too early, you will undoubtedly come across to
some people as being aggressive.
• It is far too tiring to be assertive all the time!

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Summary of Types of Assertion

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A Model for Influencing Others

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 Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness

What is assertiveness? What is the difference between being assertive and being
aggressive? Will people think that I'm being pushy? These are common questions

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and concerns. Here are some pointers to help clarify what assertiveness is really all
about.

Assertiveness is...

Assertiveness is expressing our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest,

and appropriate way. It means that we have respect both for ourself and for others.
We are consciously working toward a "win-win" solution to problems. A win-win
solution means that we are trying to make sure that both parties end up with their
needs met to the degree possible. An assertive person effectively influences, listens,
and negotiates so that others choose to cooperate willingly.

Assertiveness is not...

Assertiveness is very different from aggressiveness. Aggressiveness involves

expressing our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is inappropriate and
violates the rights of others. It can be either active or passive, but no matter which,
it communicates an impression of disrespect. By being aggressive, we put our
wants, needs, and rights above those of others. We attempt to get our way by not
allowing others a choice. Where assertiveness tried to find a win-win solution,
aggressiveness strives for a win-lose solution: I'll be the winner; you'll be the loser.

Assertiveness is also different from non-assertiveness. Nonassertive behavior is

passive and indirect. It permits others to violate our rights and shows a lack of
respect for our own needs. It communicates a message of inferiority. It creates a
lose-win situation because the nonassertive person has decided that his or her own
needs are secondary and opts to be a victim.

USE "I" MESSAGES

An "I" message is a good way to let people know what you are thinking. It is made
up of three parts.

• Behavior -- what it is, exactly, that the other person has done or is doing
• Effect -- what is happening because of their behavior
• Feelings -- what effect does their behavior have on your feelings?

By using this kind of message, you are giving another person complete information,
leaving no room for second guessing or doubt.

An example: "When you come late to the meeting (behavior) I feel angry (feelings)
because we have to repeat information the rest of us heard (effect)."

This is much more productive and assertive than simply ignoring the problem or just
expressing your anger or frustration.

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CHOOSE ASSERTIVE WORDS CAREFULLY

Use factual descriptions instead of judgments

Compare the following:

"This is sloppy work." (Aggressive)
"The pages in this report are out of order." (Assertive)

Avoid exaggerations

Compare the following:

"You never are on time!" (Aggressive)
"You were 15 minutes late today. That's the third time this week." (Assertive)

Use "I" not "You"

Compare the following:

"You always interrupt my stories!" (Aggressive)
"I would like to tell my story without being interrupted."(Assertive)

Express thoughts, feelings, and opinions reflecting ownership

Compare the following:

"He makes me angry." (Denies ownership of feelings)
"I get angry when he breaks his promises." (Assertive and owns feelings)

CHECK-UP

The following questions will help you to assess your assertiveness;

1. When you differ with someone you respect, are you able to speak up and
share your own viewpoint?
2. Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests made by friends or co-workers?
3. Do you readily accept positive criticism and suggestion?
4. Do you ask for assistance when you need it?
5. Do you usually have confidence in your own judgment?
6. If someone else has a better solution, do you accept it easily?
7. Do you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct and honest
way?
8. Do you try to work for a solution that, to the degree possible, benefits all
parties?

A "yes" response indicates an assertive approach.

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ACTION PLAN

Here are some communication techniques that can help you convey a positive
assertive attitude:

• Use suitable facial expressions, always maintaining goodeye contact.

• Keep your voice firm but pleasant.
• Pay careful attention to your posture and gestures.
• Listen...and let people know you have heard what they said.
• Ask questions for clarification.
• Look for a win-win approach to problem solving.

20 WAYS TO SAY " NO "

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"I CAN'T RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN DO IT LATER"
If you really want to help the person but don't have time now, tell them so. Offer a
later time or date -- if they can't wait for you they will find someone else.

"I'M REALLY NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB"
If you don't feel that you have adequate skills to take on a task, that's okay. It's
better to admit your limitations up front than feel overwhelmed down the road.

"I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY ROOM IN MY CALENDAR RIGHT NOW"

Be honest if your schedule is filled -- and "filled" doesn't have to mean really FILLED!
It just means you have scheduled as much as you are willing and you're stopping.

"I CAN'T, BUT LET ME GIVE YOU THE NAME OF SOMEONE WHO CAN"
If you aren't available to help out, offer another qualified resource.
Professionals do this all the time when they refer a client to a colleague.

"I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT"

And it doesn't matter what that commitment is. It could be a meeting or a dentist
appointment or a day in the park with your kid. The point is, you aren't available.

"I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS AND CAN'T SPARE THE TIME"
Let people know when you have already accepted other responsibilities
-- no one is going to fault you for having already filled your plate.

"I'VE HAD A FEW THINGS COME UP AND I NEED TO DEAL WITH THOSE
FIRST"
Unexpected things happen that throw your schedule off -- it happens. So accept that
you may need to make a few adjustments until your life stabilizes again.

"I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN END UP DOING A MEDIOCRE JOB"

Knowing that you aren't able to deliver a quality product -- for whatever reason -- is
reason enough for turning a request down.

"I'M REALLY FOCUSING MORE ON MY PERSONAL AND FAMILY LIFE RIGHT

NOW"
People act ashamed of wanting to spend time with their families -- like it means
they don't have goals. Having a strong family is a goal in and of itself!

"I'M REALLY FOCUSING MORE ON MY CAREER RIGHT NOW"

The reverse is true also -- you may have to give up some civic or community duties
to focus your energies on a work-related task (and that's fine, too!)

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"I REALLY DON'T ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK"
Who said you were supposed to enjoy your chores and assignments?! Well, if you
don't enjoy them, why do them? Life isn't about drudgery and boredom.

"I CAN'T, BUT I'M HAPPY TO HELP OUT WITH ANOTHER TASK"
If someone asks you to do something you really despise, refuse -- but then offer to
help with something you find more enjoyable or stimulating.

"I'VE LEARNED IN THE PAST THAT THIS REALLY ISN'T MY STRONG SUIT"
Another way of admitting your limitations. Did you know that actually makes you
stronger? Knowing what you can handle and what you can't is a tremendous talent!

"I'M SURE YOU WILL DO A WONDERFUL JOB ON YOUR OWN"

Many times, people ask for help because they doubt their own abilities. Let the
other person know that you have confidence that they will succeed.

"I DON'T HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH THAT, SO I CAN'T HELP YOU"
Volunteering to help out shouldn't mean that you have to learn an entirely new set
of skills. Offer to help out with something you already know how to do.

"I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT"

You might be uncomfortable with the people involved, the type of work, the moral
implications -- this is a very respectful way to avoid a sticky situation.

"I HATE TO SPLIT MY ATTENTION AMONG TOO MANY PROJECTS"

Let people know that you want to do a good job for them -- but that you can't when
your focus is too divided or splintered.

"I'M COMMITTED TO LEAVING SOME TIME FOR MYSELF IN MY SCHEDULE"

Selfish, selfish, selfish! But in a good way! Treat your personal time like any other
appointment -- block it off in your calendar and guard it with your life!

"I'M NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW PROJECTS RIGHT NOW"

You aren't saying that you will never help out again -- just that you feel your
schedule is as full as you would like right now.

"NO"
Sometimes it's okay just to say no! Just make sure that you say it in a way that
expresses respect and courtesy -- that leaves the door open for good relations.

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 Top 10 Ways to be Effectively Assertive !!!

There's a fine balance when dealing with people between the arrogant, aggressive,
offensive style and the timid, submissive doormat method. The balance is in being
confident enough to be assertive of personal rights and boundaries while respectful
of others.

1. Know the distinction between being assertive versus being aggressive

or arrogant
Assertive people promote their rights rather than stepping on those of others.

2. Have clear boundaries when dealing with others.

If you're clear where the limits are, others know as well.

3. Politely but directly, let people know your position.

Don't allow your position, point of view and feelings to be ignored. Your needs are
important.

4. Affirm yourself and your good qualities.

Develop self-confidence and positive self-esteem.

5. Know what you want.

There is a time and a place to go along with others but there is also a time to reach
for your own dreams.

6. Avoid being timid.

While aggressiveness steps on the rights of others, being overly timid sacrifices
your own rights. Don't let others steamroller you.

7. Be willing to clearly say either yes or no and to stand by your answer.

Allow yourself to develop opinions and maintain them.

8. Avoid arrogance.
Dominance and controlling tendencies impinge on others being themselves.

9. When opinions are in question, give yourself permission to self-disclose.

Let others know your viewpoint and recognize that it is significant.

10. Take responsibility for yourself.

Don't make many excuses. Require that friends and associates take responsibility
for themselves and their actions. Avoid being codependent; be careful not to
dominate quieter spirits.

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- By Robert G. Jerus

Helpful Hints for Assertive Behavior

Elaborated Opinion Statements

1. Begin with a personal pronoun: "I think that..."; "My opinion is..."
2. Use a compound sentence containing several phrases connected by such
words as because, therefore, and but: "I disagree with what you've said
because..." or "I agree with your first point, but..."
3. You do not need to have an original argument in order to express your
opinion. You may rephrase, repeat, or comment on what another person has
said.
4. You may agree or disagree with what others say. Or you may change the
direction of the conversation: "I think we're ignoring an important point,
which is..."

Breaking into an Ongoing Conversation

1. Listen actively -- nod, look directly at others, say "uh-huh."

2. Wait for a natural pause in the conversation.
3. Raise your voice slightly to signal others you wish to speak.
4. Use your body -- lean forward into the conversational arena; use hand
gestures; touch the person to whom you wish to speak.
5. State an opinion, "I think that..." or ask a question, "What about..."
6. Use the person's name to gain attention, "Bill, I also think..."
7. "Excuse me, may I join you?"
8. "I don't know exactly what you're talking about, but it sounds fascinating."

Resisting Interruption

1. Raise your voice slightly to signal that you would like to finish your comment.
2. Repeat your opening phrase so that you don't lose your train of thought, "I
think...but I do think that..."
3. Continue talking without hesitation; engage in parallel talking for a short
while.
4. Don't look at the interrupter; look at those who are attentive.
5. Ask the interrupter to wait until you have finished your statement, "I think the
best thing to do would... please wait a minute... would be to start a new
program."
6. Hold up your hand or touch the person to signal that you would like the
interrupter to stop.
7. Pause briefly, then quickly resume your comment, "I think that... the new
program idea is a good one."
8. If interruption is a question, briefly reply and resume comment.
9. "I'll be back to that in a minute."

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10.If you do not want to agree to the person's original request, but still desire to
help her/him out, offer a compromise: "I will not be able to baby sit the whole
afternoon, but I can sit for two hours."
11.You can change your mind and say "no" to a request you originally said "yes"
to. All the above applies to your change of mind.

Notes

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Notes

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