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Bare Cheek Theatre Companys

Hamlet
Written by William Shakespeare Adapted by: Tony McCleane-Fay for CWYT

SCENE I
The Castle Battlements of Elsinore at night. Four guards keep watch. BERNARDO: HORATIO: tis cold, tis cold. Shut up Bernardo! Pause BERNARDO: MARCELLUS: BERNARDO: FRANCISCO: tis really cold, tis really cold Shut up! tis cold, tis cold, tis cold, tis cold, tis cold, tis cold . Shut up. Pause Im bored let us play the game of I Spy, Ill start I spy with my little.. Quiet. We are supposed to be guarding the castle not playing childish games. Im freezing my doodahs off here, can we go inside and get a warm..

HORATIO: BERNARDO: A moan is heard. HORATIO: MARCELLUS:

Marcellus, stop moaning. tis not me.

A moan is heard. Louder. HORATIO: MARCELLUS: Stop it, Im warning you! tis really not me, foresooth!

They all look around. They hear an even louder moan. FRANCISCO: BERNARDO: Well if tis not you doing it. Who is? Im scared, Im scared .. and cold.

HORATIO:

Quiet! Listen . Pause No tis ok, theres nothing there, it be the wind

Suddenly the Ghost appears with a very load moan. scream and jump to the floor, hiding, very frightened. HORATIO: GHOST: FRANCISCO: GHOST: BERNARDO: HORATIO:

The guards all

(In great fear) W..w..who g..g..goes t..t..there? I want to see him, I want to see him. Who? My blood, my blood. (In panic) Blood .. he said blood, he said blood. (To Bernardo) Shut up you! (To Ghost) Who be thou, what dost thou want? Hello.hello, come back!

The Ghost leaves howling Blood.blood. The Guards get up. HORATIO: FRANCISCO: HORATIO: BERNARDO: Pause Im scared, Im scared. HORATIO: Shut up Bernardo! We had better impart to young Hamlet what we have seen here this night. God I hate this job! Im cold, Im co Shut up! I think that was the King. Do not be foolish Claudius is downstairs counting his money or something. No, not Claudius. I mean the old King, Hamlets father. But he be dead .(gulp)

BERNARDO: ALL: BLACKOUT

SCENE II
A room in the Castle. Claudius the new King is counting his money, obviously very pleased with himself. CLAUDIUS: Hello, my name is Claudius And I be bad and mean. I have loads of money and all the power Ive even got the Queen You see, my brother he was once the King Of all that he could see But now hes dead, oh what a shame It all belongs to me. But even though I have all this, The money, power and Queen My brothers son Prince Hamlet Thinks that Im obscene. Enter Hamlet. CLAUDIUS: Ah, young Hamlet. What has thou been up to this day? (Hamlet does not answer.) Look, thou must desist this grieving thy father has been dead over two months now. You are upsetting your Mother. You must cease. (Sarcastic) Be that a Royal Command? Do not be insolent! Im just concerned about you that is all. (More sarcastic) Oh, why thank you dear Uncle. (Angry) Look you, I am your father now and your mother and I feel .. You may be married to my mother, but you are not my father! Hamlet that is enough! You listen to me Gertrude and I feel that it would be good for you to go away for a while and . Im not going anywhere! 4

HAMLET: CLAUDIUS: HAMLET: CLAUDIUS: HAMLET: CLAUDIUS:

HAMLET:

CLAUDIUS:

(angrier) You are going away! For aa..a holiday and when you return, you will feel much better. You are going! (As he exits.) Now that is a Royal Command!!

Exit Claudius. HAMLET: I hate him, I hate him! Why does he want me out of the way? I do not trust him. Why did my mother marry him so hastily? The funeral meats did furnish the wedding banquet!

Enter Horatio and Bernardo. HORATIO: BERNARDO: HAMLET: HORATIO: BERNARDO: HAMLET: BERNARDO: HORATIO: HAMLET: BERNARDO: HORATIO: My Lord, methinks we saw him last night! last night. Saw whom? The King your father. father. My father? But hes d . .dead. I know but we saw . his Ghost. My fathers ghost something is rotten in the state of Denmark Sorry, that was me, twas the eggs.. Come with us tonight, my Lord and you will see.

BLACKOUT

SCENE III
The Castle Battlements of Elsinore at night. Four guards and Hamlet keep watch. HAMLET: HORATIO: HAMLET: Well, where is he? It should be here soon, twas this time last evening. Well, I hope so. I cannot wait around here all night. (Enter Ghost from USC moaning) GHOST: Hamlet, my son, my blood! (Everybody jumps, the guards hide) HAMLET: GHOST: My Lord, Dad, is it you? Of course tis me, who were you expecting, Macbeth? (Everybody looks at each other) HAMLET: GHOST: Why hast thou returned from the grave? Because I must warn you that my brother, your Uncle Claudius, is an evil man. He killed me by pouring poison into my ears whilst I was sleeping beneath my tree. He what? Why? (Cupping his hand to his ear) Pardon? (Louder) Why did he do that? Because he wanted to rule over Elsinore and marry my dear wife. But he is your brother! Pardon? (louder) Are you deaf? I said but he is your brother! Do not shout at me young man! 6

HAMLET: GHOST: HAMLET: GHOST: HAMLET: GHOST: HAMLET: GHOST:

HAMLET: GHOST: HAMLET: GHOST:

I am going to kill Claudius for what he has done to you. NO!! You will not kill anyone; you need to get him to confess. How will I do that? Use your imagination. Look, I must to go now. (Ghost exits, moaning)

HAMLET:

My Lord, wait, wait! (Ghost returns)

GHOST: HAMLET: GHOST: HAMLET: GHOST: HAMLET: GHOST: Ghost exits. HORATIO: HAMLET: HORATIO:

(Wearily) What? What is it like, being dead? Be there a God? (Pause) Well, I am not really allowed to say (whispers) but I will impart this.(pause) (Leaning closer) What? (Whispers even quieter) Gjahaysfemopfgbz! (puts his hand to his mouth) Oh, my Liege! I will depart but may visit with you once more my son.

What did he tell you my Lord? I cannot say but there are more things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Well, what are you going to do my Lord?

Hamlet is lost in thought for a while, then an evil smile spreads across his face. HAMLET: Do? You shall see. You shall see.

Hamlet exits. Guards let out big breaths. MARCELLUS: Well, that put the heart sideways in me! 7

FRANCISCO: HORATIO: BERNARDO:

I do not EVER want to go through that again. Quiet you two, be professional! Its cold its cold (All the guards shout and jump on Bernardo)

BLACKOUT

SCENE IV
Inside a room in the Castle, we meet Polonius and his son, Laertes and his daughter Ophelia. They walk DS and pose in front of the audience for a series of Family Album type photographs. The final photo is of Ophelia hitting Laertes and him chasing her. POLONIUS: Hey you two .. Stop it, stop it, you are making a show of us! (To audience) I am sorry about that, kids huh! Well now here we are. My name is Polonius and these two rascals are Ophelia my daughter and Laertes my son. Well say hello you two! (Smiling) Hello! (Also smiling) Hi there! Hmm, well now, here we are. I am the Kings adviser and I, well, advise him about things. Laertes is Hamlets childhood friend and Ophelia is Hamlets sweetheart. Daddy!! Well tis true, and one day I hope you shall marry and you will be a princess. Not if Hamlet keeps acting queer I shall not! What do you mean acting queer? You must have noticed my Lord? Well he is still upset about his fathers death and so on.... No, tis more than that he is a bit eerie.

OPHELIA: LAERTES: POLONIUS:

OPHELIA: POLONIUS: OPHELIA: POLONIUS: LAERTES: POLONIUS: OPHELIA:

Enter Hamlet from US, walking backwards and reading a book upside down. They do not see him yet. LAERTES: tis true my Lord. I caught him eating flies not two days ago! I believe he may be of unsound mind.

OPHELIA:

Yes, and he keeps running at me then stopping, then falling down at my feet like he has just died. He is most absolutely queer! Ah, my dear daughter he is mad for your love! Yeah, he is mad all right (He sees Hamlet) Uh-huh! Ah, my Lord Hamlet what are you reading? Words, words, words. Are you a fishmonger? (He moos) Indeed you know I am not and I do not take kindly to insults! Funny, with a face like yours, I would have thought you would be used to it by now. (with humour) Ahh, my Lord Hamlet, how be the flies? Laertes, do you smell it? Smell what, my Lord? (with great malice) The corpse of your dog. My dog? Oh, angels and ministers of grace what has thou done to my dog?

POLONIUS: LAERTES: POLONIUS: HAMLET: POLONIUS: HAMLET: LAERTES: HAMLET: LAERTES: HAMLET: LAERTES:

Hamlet licks his lips. Laertes exits. POLONIUS: OPHELIA: HAMLET: OPHELIA: (In Panic) Ill get Claudius!! (He exits) Hamlet, what is the matter with you. Are you a penguin? Hamlet, what dost thou mean, penguin I be Ophelia, your fianc! Do you not know me? We grew up together! Are you playing one of your games? I do not play chess anymore, because somebody killed my King and took my Queen! Fianc! Fianc! Get thee to a nunnery!! (She exits, crying) (Normal again) tis very difficult I love Ophelia really, but I must continue with my cunning plan. A bunch of 10

HAMLET:

actors is coming to the Castle tomorrow I will write a play for them to perform in front of Claudius and we will all see his guilty face as watches the actors re-enact his dastardly deed. To be or not to be, that is the questionbut what is the answer? Am I mad or just pretending to be mad? I would rather be a good son than a faithful nephew, and when Alls Well That Ends Well, I will take my Ophelia out one Midsummers Night and wine her and dine her and beg her forgiveness. And my dear friend Laertes, his dog resides in the kitchens as always. Oh, to be or not to be as Tempestuous as the wind but Measure for Measure on a Twelfth Night, my Loves Labours will not be Lost on this Comedy of Errors that is really Much Ado About Nothing and signifies nothing but a Winters Tale of love and revenge for my poor fathers death! Enter Horatio HORATIO: HAMLET: HORATIO: HAMLET: Exit Ahh, talking to yourself I see! Yes, tis the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation. Very droll my Lord. What have you decided? Come to the play tomorrow night and see Claudius frightened with false fire!

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SCENE V
A room in the Castle. Everybody is present. The Players enter. PLAYER KING: (Bowing) Your Royal Highnesses, my Lords, Ladies and gentlemen. Today we will perform a play, written by the young Prince Hamlet. (To Hamlet) Oh, I did not know that you were a writer! (Proudly) I did not know either! Oh, my son, the writer! Your father would have been so proud! (Smiling) Mother, there are many things that you do not know. Sit back and learn as my father inspires me to do many things! Come hither my dear Hamlet, sit by me. No, good mother, (regarding Ophelia) heres metal more attractive. My dear Ophelia, shall I lie in your lap? I mean my head upon your lap? In my lap, my Lord? Now, now bawdy Ophelia, did you think I meant country matters? IIdo not know what you mean my Lord You are indeed frisky and merry this night!! Oh, you do know what I infer my Lady! And what should a man do but be merry? Look you how cheerfully my mother looks and my father dead not a rainy day. (Sharply) Enough of this talk! Let us see this play.

OPHELIA: GERTRUDE: HAMLET:

GERTRUDE: HAMLET:

OPHELIA: HAMLET: OPHELIA: GERTRUDE:

CLAUDIUS:

Claudius looks at Hamlet suspiciously. PLAYER KING: In this play, I shall play the part of Romeo Montague, a young man in love with...

PLAYER QUEEN: Juliet Capulet, a feisty young wench from the other side of townRomeo, Romeo, where forth art thou Romeo.. Hamlet jumps to his feet. 12

HAMLET: PLAYER KING:

That be the wrong play you idiots!! (Flicking through some papers) Oh, thousand apologies mLord, of course that is our Italian playah, here we be

The Players start another Play. ALL PLAYERS: Double, double toil and trouble Fire, burn and cauldron bubble

Hamlet jumps to his feet. HAMLET: PLAYER KING: HAMLET: PLAYERS: HAMLET: PLAYER D: For Gods sake, what the hell is that?? That is not my work! What are you doing? Oh, million apologies mLord of course that is our Scottish play. Oh, you mean Macbeth? Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Aaahh. What was that? We were exorcising evil spirits, you will not know the great theatre tradition that one does never speak the name of the "Scottish Play". What, Macbeth? Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Ohhh. Good lord, you mean you have to do that every time I say Macbeth? Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Owwww. Will you please stop saying that. Always call it the "Scottish Play". So you want me to say the "Scottish Play"?

HAMLET: PLAYERS: HAMLET: PLAYERS: PLAYER E: HAMLET:

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PLAYERS: HAMLET: PLAYERS: POLONIUS:

(shout) Yes. Rather than Macbeth? Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Owwwwww. For heaven's sake, what is all this hullabaloo, all this shouting and screaming and yelling blue murder? Why... tis like that play we saw the other day, what was it called... umm... Macbeth, my Lord? Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Owwwwww. No, no, twas called Julius Caesar. Ah, yes, of course. Julius Caesar... not .Macbeth. Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Owwwwww. Please my Lord, may we

HAMLET: PLAYERS: POLONIUS: HAMLET: PLAYERS:

Hamlet waves his hand, Players are flicking through some papers. Here we are the Danish Play! Now in this play, I will play the part of the Good King! PLAYER QUEEN: Are you tired my Lord? You work too hard, go and lie down. PLAYER KING: Yes my Queen, I think I will. I shall sleep under my favorite tree out in the garden, and think about you and my beautiful and clever son.

The Player King lies down under a tree the other players have made using their bodies. PLAYER KING: (Yawning) Ruling a Kingdom is hard work but I do enjoy it and I am a Good King. (He falls asleep)

Another Player, playing Claudius, creeps up to the sleeping King to the sound of creepy music provided by the remaining players.

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PLAYER B:

(Laughing Evilly) Now my brother, by pouring poison into your ear, I shall become the New King and I shall marry your Queen and be really horrible to your beautiful and clever son. I shall rule over your Kingdom with an iron fist and an evil laugh! (He pours the poison into the ear. The Good King struggles and holds his head but then dies.) Now, tis all mine, all mine! (Evil Laugh)

During the above action, the real Claudius is getting very agitated and worried. He keeps looking at Hamlet. Hamlet does not look at the play. He keeps watching Claudius. CLAUDIUS: (Jumping to his feet) Stop! Givoer the play! (He storms out of the room with a murderous look at Hamlet.) (Laughing) Look at the frightened rabbit run. My father was right! Get out everybody. Get out! Not you Hamlet, I want to talk with you.

HAMLET: GERTRUDE:

Everybody exits except Hamlet and Gertrude. HAMLET: GERTRUDE: HAMLET: GERTRUDE: HAMLET: How like you the play Madam? Hamlet, you have your father much offended. Mother, you have my father much offended! Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue. Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue!

Pause, the Ghost enters, unseen by Gertrude but Hamlet sees him. HAMLET: GERTRUDE: GHOST: HAMLET: GERTRUDE: Whats the matter Mother, did you not like the play? I did not understand it! What is going on Hamlet? Why do you hate Claudius so much? Tell her. (to Ghost) I am, trust me. Who are you talking to my son? 15

Polonius sneaks back into the room, unseen by Hamlet and Gertrude. He hides behind a curtain. HAMLET: Mother, Mother, Mother, do you not realise what Claudius has done? Do you not think that my fathers death was suspicious? What do you mean suspicious? Are you saying Claudius had something to do with it? (slowly clapping) Ahh, the penny doth drop! Claudius had everything to do with it! Oh, speak to me no more! These words, like daggers enter my ears. No more, sweet Hamlet! Convince her. He is a murderer and a villain! He killed my father to rule the kingdom, he does not love you he is an unfeeling treacherous monster, the epitome of depravity! (rising and going close to her) Do you not understand? He is ruining this Kingdom and is defiling you! What are you doing? Do not you touch me! Help, help! Help, Help! (Drawing his sword) A rat! (He goes over to S.L. and stabs through the curtain, killing Polonius) Oh, no, what have I done! Oh, great, well done Hamlet, that has really convinced her! (he exits) (Rushing to Polonius) Polonius, Polonius Hamlet, you have killed him! (Sorry) I did not know . (Acting again) Well I thought he was a spy. I shall be rid of him! (He wraps Polonius in the fallen curtain and drags him off stage, dumps him and re-enters) (Yelling) Claudius! Claudius! Come quick, help, help! 16

GERTRUDE: GHOST: HAMLET: GERTRUDE: GHOST: HAMLET:

GERTRUDE: POLONIUS: HAMLET:

GHOST: GERTRUDE: HAMLET:

GERTRUDE:

CLAUDIUS: GERTRUDE: HAMLET: CLAUDIUS: HAMLET: CLAUDIUS: HAMLET: CLAUDIUS: HAMLET:

(Rushing on) What is wrong, what is wrong? (Sobbing) Oh, Claudius Hamlets just killed Polonius. Me? (To Hamlet) Now, Hamlet, where is Polonius? At supper. At supper? Where? Not where he eats, but where he is eaten. What do you mean? Where is Polonius? In heaven. Send someone to seek him. If your messenger cannot find him, seek him in the other place yourself! (points down to Hell and exits) He is insane, what am I to do? (weeps) (Calming her down) Okay, okay, I will deal with this. Go and lie down. Take a pill. I will look after everything. (He leads her off stage. Then comes back with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) Right, you two, this is what I want you to do. Take Hamlet away to England and when you are on the boat let him sleep with the fishes!

GERTRUDE: CLAUDIUS:

ROSENCRANTZ: How can he sleep with the fishes, he would not be able to breath under the water? GUILDENSTERN: I believe our esteemed sovereign was expressing a metaphor my dear Rosencrantz. ROSENCRANTZ: Expressing a what? GUILDENSTERN: A Metaphor. ROSENCRANTZ: What is a metaphor? GUILDENSTERN: A metaphor is a figure of speech in which a word or, in this case, a phrase is applied to an object or, in this case, an action to which it is not literally applicable.

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ROSENCRANTZ: What? CLAUDIUS: What?

GUILDENSTERN: Its a thing regarded as representative or symbolic of something else, something abstract, unlike a simile which is again a figure of speech but this time involving the comparison of one thing with another thing of a different kind, used to make a description more emphatic or vivid. ROSENCRANTZ: So, for us to get Hamlet to sleep with the fishes, he means we should kill him? GUILDENSTERN: Sadly, yes. ROSENCRANTZ: But he is our friend! GUILDENSTERN: (to Claudius) My Lord, I am sure Hamlet did not mean to harm anyone. He is ill, he needs a physician! CLAUDIUS: I command you to do as I say or you will need a physician and that is not a metaphor! Do I make myself clear? Do you understand me? (Frightened) Yes, my Lord!

ROS&GUIL:

Exit Claudius. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern look worried. ROS: GUILD: ROS: (Suddenly laughing) April Fool!! What? It must be April Fools Day, yknow the first of April!! So, Claudius is only joking oh, man he got us there, did he not!! (Shouting after Claudius) Hey, your Majesty, your Majesty!! (Grabbing him) Shut up you halfwit, you will get us both killed! Now listen to me. Claudius never jokes, he has no sense of humour! No, no, no, he must be joking he cannot expect us to kill our friend. He is not serious. tis the first of April, is it not? No, my friend tis actually the Ides of March. 18

GUILD:

ROS:

GUILD:

ROS: GUILD:

Are you sure Rossie, Rossie, read my lips. He is as serious as a heart attack. He wants us to kill Hamlet and dump his body at sea! So that he can sleep with the fisheys.. Sleep with the fisheys, yes. I cannot do it, I cannot, I cannot.(breaks down) (slapping him/her) Calm down, get a hold of yourself Rosencrantz. Let me think! Ok, ok I am alright now. But, I wish I were somewhere else. What did you say? I said I am alright now. No, after that Nothingwhatwhatwhy are you looking at me like that?? I have a plan! Oh, cool!! Is it cunning? I have a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. Pray tell, Guildenstern! Pray tell!! We go with noble Hamlet to England on the boat and when we get there we disappear! You mean we do not come backever? Never! But what shall we do in England?

ROS: GUILD: ROS: GUILD: ROS: GUILD: ROS: GUILD: ROS: GUILD: ROS: GUILD: ROS: GUILD: ROS: GUILD: ROS:

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GUILD: Exit.

I do not know as yet, but let us go impart to young Hamlet what Claudius is up to!

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SCENE VI A river. Ophelia enters and dances around in a mad trance. OPHELIA: Why? Why? Why? Where is he? Claudius said he had died, drowned, fallen overboard on his way to England, so is there any point in going on anymore, without him? I know that he killed my father but he did not mean to. I still love him. I love this river it reminds me of when we used to play here together splashing each other, swimming, of how my Noble Prince Hamlet would hold my head under the water for ages, an experiment he would say oh, he was so playful and inventive!! We went out on a boat here once, we floated for miles. Hamlet joked that it was a great place to dump a body but I always floated like a penguin. This river runs right out to the ocean where my Noble Prince Hamlet now sleeps with the fisheys. So, I am going to join him and we can be together forever. (Ophelia jumps into the river and lies at peace.)

Enter Laertes he kneels at Ophelias side. LAERTES: (Holds her hand) I blame Hamlet for this, first my diplomatic father and now my kind, gentle but slightly imbecilic sister. I do not believe that he is dead he is too evil, too cunning. I will therefore dedicate the rest of my life, my dear simple sister, to avenging your death and Papas death. I will search to the very edge of this flat Earth for that murderous devil and when I find him I will .

Laertes exits. Enter Hamlet and Gravedigger. GRAVEDIGGER: .kill him? I rather eat my own vomit I said! Ha ha ha. Here is another one Who builds the best houses? HAMLET: Oh God, not another riddle! I do not know! cluetis either the

GRAVEDIGGER: Alright, I shall give you a stonemason or the gravedigger. HAMLET:

That be easy, the stonemason of course stones and bricks are much stronger than clay and mud and lasts for years!

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GRAVEDIGGER: Wrong answer, wrong answer. tis the gravedigger, because the houses he builds will last till doomsday! Ha ha (he laughs madly) HAMLET: (Picking up a scull) Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him, yknow. He was a court jester in my fathers castle long ago before the rot set in! Whose grave are you digging?

Funeral Group enter on stage in slo-mo. GRAVEDIGGER: Dunno, hang on this lot will know, I shall ask them (Shouts) Oi(Hamlet wrestles him to the ground) HAMLET: PRIEST: No, no stop, I know who they are stay down and be quiet. I wonder who has died. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the happy joining together, in holy matrimony, of two young people who It is a funeral service you nincompoop! What? (Sees Ophelias dead body) Oh, yes, eh sorry about that, wrong serviceeh.. Get on with it man, tis cold tis cold, tis cold, tis Ah, here we are. Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the sad departure to another life of our kind but simple Ophelia. So tragically taken from us. NO! NO! (Jumping up and running over to kneel at Ophelias body) Not my beautiful Ophelia, this has gone too far. Why did I start this.I am sorry little penguin, I am so sorry (Diving on to Hamlet) Arrrgh, I am going to kill you, you murdering son of a drooling dog.

GERTRUDE: PRIEST: CLAUDIUS: BERNARDO: PRIEST:

HAMLET:

LAERTES:

They fight viciously. GERTRUDE: Oh, part them Claudius, they are incensed, insane with grief, they will kill each other.

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HORATIO: BERNARDO: CLAUDIUS: HAMLET: LAERTES: CLAUDIUS: HAMLET: CLAUDIUS:

My money is on Hamlet! (Shouting) Go on my son!!! (Shouting) Kick him in the codpiece, the codpiece Hamlet, kick him in the (Pulling them apart) Stop! Have you no respect for the dead? Much more than you have, you bastard. I will kill him you will not stop me!! I command you both to stop, now! Command this! (He makes the thumb gesture at Claudius) I understand your anger men but we must do this properly. I declare that a duel will be fought between these two men tomorrow evening in the Castle of Ellsinore in the Country of Demark. And this will be a duel to the death! Fight, fight, fight, fight

` ALL: Segue to Sc VII

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SCENE VII A room in the Castle. On one side of stage: Gertrude and half of the court on the other side Claudius and the rest of the court. There is a referee with a bell at centre between Hamlet and Laertes. REF: All right boys. We want a good clean duel, no pulling of the hair, hitting below the belt, biting or crying. Have you both gone to the toilet? (They nod) Good, cos I do not want to be cleaning up the mess. Blood I do not mind but the other stuff, no. Right so, boys. Seconds Out Round One (Rings Bell)

Hamlet & Laertes circle each other with their swords. The crowds start to cheer them on calling for blood. They fight- the bell rings, they go back to their corners. CLAUDIUS: (To Laertes) You are doing well son, you have him scared now. Oh hang on a minute, let me see your sword. (Takes it a looks down it) Looks a bit crooked to me, I shall straighten it out for you. (Takes sword DS towards audience and says to himself, evilly) Now, I shall just smear a little bit of poison on to the tip of Laertes sword and all he has to do is barely scratch Hamlet with it and tis goodbye Prince Hamlet!! Ha ha ha. (Handing back sword to Laertes) There you are, all fixed! Thank you my Lord. (Rings Bell) SECONDS OUT. now boys, come on now! ROUND TWO. Come on

LAERTES: REF:

Hamlet and Laertes circle each other again. They fight, but are clearly tiring now. Bell Rings they go back to their corners. CLAUDIUS: (To himself) Damn, foiled, it did not work. I know, I will give Hamlet a drink and in that drink I will place some soluble poison. And when he drinks it he will die! (Gets goblet, drops in poison and walks to Hamlet who is beside Gertrude.) I salute your bravery my dear boy, join me in a toast to your impending victory!! (Hands poisoned goblet to Hamlet but Gertrude grabs it) Gertrude, no!

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GERTRUDE: REF:

I drink to your health and your victory, my brave son!! (She drinks the poisoned drink) (Rings Bell) SECONDS OUT. ROUND THREE! Up and at em boys, up and at em now.

Hamlet and Laertes circle each other again. They fight, but are clearly exhausted. Gertrude starts to feel dizzy and staggers into the fighting area and over to Hamlet. She falls into his arms. Everything stops silence. GERTRUDE: (Choking and gasping) Oh, Hamlet, the drink twas poisoned. Claudius, you have killed meforgive me Hamlet for doubting you I lov.(She dies)

Silence, Hamlet lays Gertrude gently to the ground. then with a roar of rage, he launches himself at Claudius. HAMLET: CLAUDIUS: HAMLET: CLAUDIUS: First my father and now my mother you are a dead man!! You have absolutely no idea what irony is, have you Hamlet? Yes I have. It's just like steely and goldie, except it's made of iron, like my sword, now die! Save me Laertes! Save me!!

Laertes rushes at Hamlet, they scuffle and the swords become mixed up and Hamlet scratches Laertes with the poisoned sword. Laertes starts to die immediately. LAERTES: The sword, my swordit is poisonedClaudius did it.I am sorry Hamlet, my dear friend, avenge me, avenge us all (He dies). Do you think that you can take me? Do you Hamlet? Come on try me, try me, you are just like your father.weak.

CLAUDIUS:

Hamlet now rushes at Claudius. He doges and they fight viciously eventually, Claudius falls and Hamlet stands over him with his sword poised over his face.

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HAMLET:

This is to avenge my father and mother and Ophelia and Polonius and Laertes and all of the other fine people of this holy land that you have offended! Go on kill me, you dont have the bottle!!

CLAUDIUS:

Hamlet starts to bring the sword down on Claudius face but Claudius has a knife hidden in his clothing brings it up into Hamlets body. They both die. Silence. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern rush in. ROS: GUILD: ROS: Weve come home, England was awful and Claudius is a murderer. We are too late Rosencrantz, look! Oh, shit!

The guard Bernardo walks around the bodies, touching them, hugging himself BERNARDO: ALL incl dead: Oh, tis so sad, they are all dead and cold, cold as the gravetis so coldtis cold, tis cold, tis co SHUT UP BERNARDO!!

END

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