The Pursuit of APPiness This tune will scar my mind, it will live in the squidgiest part of my brain for

months and will require a thorough lobotomy for it to ever truly be gone. I fling various tiny birds at a moustached pig, he snorts at me in the way only a true swine can as i miss him with my lightspeed canary. F*ck you 'tache pig i mutter as I sup from my morning cup of tea. I hit the retry button so hard the screen almost cracks, I inhale deeply and enter into a state of birdy rage. With feigned precision, my enraged and feathered friend flies true and the bright green swine explodes in a cloud of chinny chin chin hairs. Three tiny stars appear on the screen. I feel a sense of accomplishment I have not felt since completing my degree... Several hours later and I have just planted several tomatoes and a legion of zombies. I set the timer on my phone to go off in four hours. The timer isn't nescesary, I will be counting the seconds until then. My farmyard is a peaceful place, filled with the moans of the undead and the terrified moo's of my neighbours cows. 3 hours 58 minutes to go. I plough a few more soil beds and plant a headless zombie, I wonder what his name will be I ask Barry and Will as they wander mindlessly around the farm. "Brains?" Barry replies, even the undead can be quite witty... 3 hours 55 minutes to go... My battery is down to 20%, this is horrible! I bound upstairs to my computer and connect everything up. After a horrific sync-ing feeling, everything is alright again. I have some lunch and take a stroll round the garden, as i look across the flower beds I can still hear distant groans from an imagined undead horde. I return to my little black box as quickly as I can. I hit the home button and quickly head for High Noon. The phone suddenly feels heavier in my hand. Staring back at me is the cast of an Oldy Western remake of The Usual Suspects. I pop into the barbers and purchase an incredible moustache for 800 gold. As soon as i walk back into the line-up my phone vibrates. Porkchop Joe has challenged me to a gunfight, graciously I accept, even though he is a level higher than me. I stand tall and upright in my kitchen, Trooping The Colour plays on the Television behind me. I hold the phone in its imaginary holster and wait 10.15 seconds. There is a vibration and i raise my arm so quickly the phone almost flies out of my hand and through the patio doors. I take a shot at that b*stard Porkchop Joe, and he fires right back. My bullets hit nothing but vibrations corse down my arm as I take a shot to the gut, i fire back at PJ wildly as my phone waves around in front of my face. I've missed him completely, and he has shot me several more times, blood coats my scratched-up screen. My hand shakes as I try to reload, frantically poking the empty chambers in my ammo wheel. By the time i raise my pistol again I am dead, the bullet hits me clean between the eyes. Damn you Porkchop Joe!!!! His moustache is even more powerful than mine, I didn't have the Wampum for that Movember Monster... I think back to 'Tache Pig and start to understand how hard it is to stand up for the facial fuzz when all the 'Moustachioed' seem to do is fight one another... I'm sorry Tache Pig... I continued Gunslinging for many more hours stopping briefly to devour a delicious rump steak and of corse to harvest my tomatoes/zombies!!! I look at the four little numbers at the top of my screen = 21:17. I feel a little empty, sadness creeps up inside of of me. I have achieved nothing in the space of 12 hours... This is my first day of owning an I phone 3...

The App Games that have ruined my life:

Angry Birds - Zombie Farm - High Noon

"Is this what APPiness is supposed to feel like?"