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Intemationa/ Standard Book Namber J-V77ZZJJ
Library of Congren Cata/og Card Namber J1JZ1
1hs bOOk s Obtatnablc lOt $.0 pOstpad ltOm
1M LOLM FBbb
Box IJ4Z, BouIdcr, LoIorado 80J0
1 hIS DOOK IS O8OIC0l8O
lO IlS OWH 0ulHOIS.
1O 1HF bFRFs
F 1HF bCViFI MPiRF
n 8u 0 8n nll00ucl0n
I0VO0 announccd a compctton 1ot t hc bcst
po|tca|jokc.
ltst ptzc: Tcn cats fotccd |abot.
VHLALL
Sncc t hc htst cdton ofthscoIIccton Was pub-
Ishcd n !99, t hc Sovct Emptc has conquctcd
motc coI oncs and has toWn motc poWctfuI; n
patt bccausc Amctcans havc bccn IuIIcd nto
catcftcc ndctcncc b thc ttustccs oft hct sccu-
I1l) WHO HuVc HuUc _Ht O1 "tHc DOtUDatc 1cat O1
Communsm."
Yhat s CommunsmIkc"
Thc fuII ansWctcan bcIcatncdbIvnundct t;
a pattaI vcWcan bcancdbtcadn suchWotks
as SoIzhcntsn's Lu0g .ICHI]80gO.
But aImpsc ofthc scnscIcss btutaIt ofCom-
munsms aIso,ntsWa, cauhbt hcjokc oft hc
sncczc that ntcttuptcd StaIn's spccch (tc htst n
thscoIIccton) .Thcstots, ofcoutsc,putchcton;
ct thc fact that, Ikc thc othct j okcs, t madc t hc
tounds, n Whspcts and amd subducd I auhtct,
thtouhaII oft hc Sovct Emptc shoWs that t Was
nvcntcdWcII.!nIthcusthcdokcs oft hssavac
humot sutvvc b natutaI scIccton n a hostIc
cnvtonmcnt.
Yh arc thcsc j okcs whispcrcd" Yh is thc
I auhtcr subducd" Thcrc arc somc oun
Amcricans to whom thc answcr is not obvious:
bccausc in 5taIin's da thc pcna|t of tcI|in, or
cvcnIistcninto, onc ofthcscstorics was !0 cars
forccd Iabor, which in thosc das oftcn mcant
dcath 1n thcT0's itotaIitt|c bcttcr, and now it is
cttin worsc aain, for as anothcr j okc has it,
sociaI ist rca|ism (thc ociII approvcd schooI of
art) has bccnrcpIaccd b nco-rcprcssionism.
1nan casc, what ou arc now hoIdin inour
hands adds uptoscvcraI ccnturics offorccd Iabor.
1 hcard virtua|I cvcr onc ofthcscstorics whiIc
l stiI||ivcdinthcCzcchosIovakcoIon ofthc5ovict
Empirc ( throuh !93); 1 havcdonc no morc than
5ccCl uDO I HC. HdY dUUU SYId lhal
camcto mind aainaftcrpubIishinthchrstcdition
[ undcrthctitIc HIS]8I8O 7H8COOl8S in !99; and
1 havcomittcd afcwthatdidIittIctothrowIihton
thc charactcr of Communism and Iifc undc it.
1 think thcrcadcrwiII ctmorcoutofthcscjokcs if
hcrcads thcminscqucncc(whichI oosc| tc|Is somc
sort ofstor), rathcrthan nibb|n hcrcand thcrc.
ThcscjokcshcIptokccpupthcspirits ofthcscrfs
ofthc 5ovict Empirc.
Ma thc hcIpAmcricans to undcrstand what it
is that is thrcatcnin thcm.
BOu|dcr,COIOradO
laI| lB0

P.T.
@nc g+niiN
@cnns
O LTd.IB HB My[0M. [0H0M I| .II0DH M0M,
]BK]dCHyI0 0BCHI0 C.IdIdBT Hd]O.
LTdJII|H, Hd]d C.IdBd DOBBdW
LTd.II|H, Hd]BW I0H0CTh 00.IBT!
L 0BCHWMB , DO]WCb I| 0OBXdW
!BR Hd]O Bd LTd.IBHb|M BBT!
boul5lcln lhc wsc, ourown, our bclovcd,
7hc pcoplc composcs c mosl bccul(/ulson.
5lcln, our/hlnlory,
5lcln, lhcsocrn o/ouryoulh!
5nin,/hlin, cndrccpin vclor},
Ourpcoplc]ollow 5lcln!
Onc OInnumcrabIc hymns tO 5ta|n
1h8 bn8828
5taIinaddrcsscs ascssion ofthc 5uprcmc 5ovict
inthcKrcmIin. AI oud sncczcintcrruptshisspccch.
"Yho was that, comradcs" '
Mo answcr.
"Guards! iquidatc thc hrst row. '
Thc uards stcp forward with thcir sub
machinc uns and mow down thc first row of
mcmbcrs ofthc5uprcmc5ovict.
"Yhowas it"" 5taIinasks for thc sccond tim.
Mo answc.
"Guards!iquidatc thcsccond row. '
Thc uards mow down thc sccond IOW O lDC
>UjICUC O.
"Yhowas it" 'asks 5taIinaain
A dcput stands up in thcthird row
"1t was mc, Comradc 5taI in'
L8SuHOH8Il cxcI aims 5ta1inandcontinucswith
his spccch.
8lSghl80
Afcr thccoup of !948, KImcnt GottwaId, thc
Czcch Communist I cadcr, bccamc prcsidcnt. 1n a
csturcaimcdatthcIarcI CathoIic popuIation,hc
attcndcd a 18 18uH in his own honor.
Ourin thc scrvicc, sas this stor, his wifc
arta whispcrcd tohim:
"Oo ou scc that man on thc cross" Hc, too,
wantcd thcsaIvation ofmankind, and whcrcdid it
ct him" Thc crucihcd him. . . '
"Oon' t worr, ' GottwaId whispcrcd back. "B
thc timc 1 am throuh with thc CzcchosIovak
cconom, thcrc won't bc a piccc of wood, nor a
sinIc naiI I cft.. . '
8Sc0
GottwaId has Iost his pipc and phoncs thc
Ministcr of thc 1ntcrior (in charc of thc sccrct
poI icc) . But haI fan hour IatcrMarta brins it to
him; it had sIippcd undcrthccouch. Hc phoncs to
rcscind his prcvious ordcrs.
"Toobad, 'sas thcministcr. "Thcbos havcar-
rcstcd !50 suspccts, and !20 ofthcm havc aIrcad
confcsscd. . . '
9
H8l8lVly
Thc dicrcncc bctwccn an optimist and
pcssimist.
An optimist cxpccts to bcdcportcd to 5ibcria.
A pcssimist cxpccts thc wiII makc him waIk aII
thc wa.
An0lh8l V8lS0n
Lc pcssmstsas "This is thc uItimatcdcrada
tion.Yc'rcrcaII in thcsoupnow. ltjustcan'tct
an worsc. '
But thc optimist objccts: "!hcs, itcan. . .'
1h8 8l
A ccII in prison. A ncw prisoncr has just bccn
brouht in.
"Howmuchdidouct" 'ask thcothcrinmatcs.
"25 cars . '
"Yhatdid oudo" '
"Mothin! BcI icvc mc, am innoccnt! '
"!h, comc o it! You onI ct l8H cars for
that . . . '
JuSlm80
"Havc ou hcard thc Iatcst" CzcchosIovakia is
on to havc an admraIt. '
Yhat" Anadmrat nacountr thatdocs not
bordcron thcsca" '
"5o"Ychavc a JusticcOcpartmcnt, don' twc" '
1hl88 S 8 Ll0W0
lordccadcs,ichard 5Inskhad bccnthcno.2
man in thc CzcchosIovak Communist Fart. 1n
!950, hcsuddcnI fcII ntodisfavor and on5taIin's
ordcrs, his |ifc-IoncomradcGottwaId had hmar-
rcstcd.
hrcc prisoncrs in accll.
"Yh did thc Iockou up" '
"1 spokc badI of5Insk. '
"And ou" '
"1 spokc wcll of5lnsk. '
"And ou" '
"1 0H 5nsk.
%88 Lulp8
1n !95 ! , 5Inskwas brouhtto a show traI n
thc bcst5ovct tradt on: Broadcastovcr thcrado,
wth a packcd audcncc that chccrcd, appIaudcd,
hsscd orboocdasthcscrpt rcqurcd. 5Inskcon-
fcsscd to cvcrthn from bcnapad acntof thc
mpcraIsts tohavnstoIcnhs bcstfrcnd's watch.
Aftcra fcwdas ofths show, hcwasscntcnccd to
dcath and hancd shortI aftcrwards.
!nthcnhtofthccxccutonhccaIIs foraprcst.
"1 want to confcs ather.'
"Y ou mcan thcrc s stII somcthn ou havcn't
confcsscd to""
"1ndccd, thcrcs. 1twas mcwho burnt Jan Hus,
who bIndcd Jan

ka's cc, and who Iost thc

BattIc ofthcYh tc Mountan! "
L2cch rcIOus rcIOrmcr Hus was burnt at thc stakc n
l 4l,
_
zkawasaOnc-cycdHusstcgcncraInthclthccntury,
and thc Vhtc MOuntan was whcrc thc LZcchs IOst thcr n-
dcpcndcncc IOr aImOst J0 ycars n lZ0.
1B8 M8l88l8l
ln !92, 5!nsk was cxoncratcd and dcc|arcd
:nnoccnt ofa|| maorcrimcs ofwhich hchad bccn
accuscd.
"O kDOw lhC UICCDC bctwccn a Christian
and a Communist!
A Christian bc|icvcs in posthumous |ifc; aCom-
munist in posthumous cxoncration."
1h8 L8ngSl8lS
Aftcr t hc 5nsk tria|, thc cxprcssion "a pro-
vocation :nst:atcd by 5!nsk and h:s an'
bccamc a standard c|ichofthc Communist prcss.
Thc|onstatcmcnt cxp|ainin5nsk'scxoncta-
tion in !92 was fu||ofdoub|cta|k and contradic-
tions.
"Ooyou know whowasrcsponsib|cforthc5!n-
sk tria|! 1t was a provocat:on instiatcd by
5!nsk and his an!"
1h8 b0un0 0 lh8 bn8k8
Thc Ministcr of Ocfcnsc inspccs toops on
paradc."5alutc, comradcs!" hccalls out to an in-
fantry unit; "5alutc, Comradc Gcncral," thcy
bcllowback, asdcmandcdby5ovict Armycu8
t ions. Mcxt arct hc artillcry mcn t hcy, t oo, rcply
"5alutc, Comradc Gcncral!" at t hc t op of thcir
voiccs. Andsoonunt il hcrcachcst hcKGB (sccrct
policc) units.
"5alutc, comradcs!" hccalls out to thcm.
Back comcs thc rcsponsc in a chorus of honcy-
swcct whispcrs.
"5alutc, ComradcGcncral, salutc. . ."
LV8lyb00y S M8 P0W
An Amcrican corrcspondcnt arrivcs in Czccho-
slovakia.Thc hrst thin hcsccs isa iant strcamcr
proclaimin EYOY s HPPY l lOP's
OOC1C CCOsO.
Amazcd, hc buttonholcs a littlc man and asks
himtocxplainthc sccrct ofthc Czcchs happincss.
"Wcll, you scc, it's likc this," says thc man.
lcomchomcaftcr!0hours' workandswitchonthc
liht ,and1amhappythcyhavcn'tcutthcpowcrto-
day.Thcnl otowash mysclf, andl amhappythc
5OvclArmyKcu|atOnsa|sOa||OwanOmccrlOmakcuscOI
hs Ircarm IOr mantann dscp|nc amOnhs mcn. Lndcr
Hhlso] lhe5ovel5olderOnc Inds"AsO|dcrhaslhcrhllO
cOmp|an abOut anylhn cxccpl lhcscvcrty OIhslrannand
lhc harshncss OI hs punshmcnl."
W I nnn. hcnJhcrcisaknock aJJhcdoor.
lJs J hc sccrcJ policc. Thcyask "Arcyou Comradc
Iovk' and l say, "Io, ComradcIovk livcs in
Jhc aparJmcnJ abovc mc," and, boy, am l happy
JhaJ l amnoJ ComradcIovk!"
1h8 %0Sl Y8lu8bl8 ASS8l
LuI OSl l0u0D8 7SS8l IS lH8 uH0H D8IH
says a frcqucnJly hcard CommunsJ sloan.
A roup of forcin JourisJs visiJin lrau
dcsircsJ oscc Jhc Czcchcrown cwcls.Thcir uidc
JakcsJhcmJoJhcCasJlc,buJJ hcyhavcbccnmovcd
urn oncoHC [C[CI ICOI_uDzutOD5. Z1tCt
many Jclcphonc calls, J hcy hnally hnd Jhcy havc
bccn movcdJoavillacncarlrauc,andJ hcrcJhcy
hnd Jhcm. a dilapidaJcd barn JhaJ hasno lock,
Jhcpricclcs, housandycar old Jrcasurc lics in J hc
hay. ThcvisiJors arc amazcd J haJ J hc ovcrnmcnJ
should bcsonclicnJ.
"Wcll, you scc, " cxplains Jhc uidc, "our mosJ
valuablc asscJ is Jhc human bcin and whcrc
human bcinsarcconccrncd, ourovcrnmcnJ locks
J hcmup ood and propcr."
A lll8 An0Wl80g8 S 8 8ng8l0uS 1hng
A ctowd o1 Czcchs admitcs the LS mbas-
sadot's CadiIIac patkcd in a ltauc sttcct . !nc o1
thcmsas t ohis ncihot:
"1sn't it caut i1uI" Yhat a show of matutc
tcchnoI o andcconomic powct!
"Ycs, answctsthc addtcsscd man, "a tcat pto
duct o1 5ovict industt...
"Youctaz" Oon't ou know a CadiIIac"
"5utc 1 do. lt's you who l don't know.
Qu8Sll0n 1m8
At thccnd o1a ptopaanda Icctutc, to whichaII
sct1s o1 StaI in's Empitc wetc subcctcd wh
DCtCy ODCC u monh, hcspcakctsas,1Iouhavc
an qucstions, comtadcs, fccI ftcc toask.
"1 havc onc, sas Comtadc

ctn. "You sa
mcat ptoduction has doubIcd, and out popuIation
hasdcctcased b3 miIIioncxpcIIcd Gctmans. Thcn
how comc ou can't ct a picce o1 mcat without
standin in I inc 1ot houts"
"YcII , sast hc ptopaandist, "l donot havc thc
ptccisc mcat statistics with mc toda. But 1 wiII
Iook thcm up 1ot you and answet out qucstion
ncxt wcck.
Mcxt wcck hc aain cnds his Icctutc with "Atc
t hctc any qucstions"
"ust onc, sas somcbod "Yhctc is Comtadc

ctn"
1h8 nn8l
1949 was thc !50th annvctsaty o1 thc btth o1
A.5. lushkn, cnctaII y consdctcd t hc tcatcst
ussan poct.hc cvcnt was wdcIyccIcbtatcd.
hc 5uptcmc 5ovct dccdcd to buId a ncw
monumcnttot hc poctandannounccdacontcst1ot
t hc bcst statuc. An obscutc ussan scuIptot won
thc htst ptzc.
Hs statuc showcd 5taIn tcadn lushkn's
poctty.
L0mpHlHlV8 l8lHlul8
!nc o1 t hc tcat achcvcmcnts o1 t hc bcI ovcd
5taIn was thc masscducaton ncIasscaIItctatutc
C hh hc ndctcnt ood sub]octt 7ho
contcmpotaty hcton put out by hs stoocs was
uttctIyuntcadabIc,and so cvctybodytutncd tot hc
cIasscs.
ypcaI o1 t hc untcadabIc books pInupn thc
bookstotcs was a mcd octcnovcI by Azhaycv, 0I
JIDH DSCDW. l do not tccaII hc authots o1 an
ant-Amctcan book caIIcd H lH8 OH0ODWS DJ lH8
OK)SCI08IS. Makatcnko's 8 0Hl lD IV8 wasan
catIy 5ovct book o

juvcnIc dcInqucnts.
"Havc you hcatd" hcy havcattcstcd thc cnttc
sta o1 thc b book stotc n YcnccsIas 5quatc!"
"Yhy""
"hcyputthtcc booksncxttocachothctntot hc
shop wndow: Y Y1 1O l lO
Moso l15OO1 5Yss."
%0V8 Acc8SS0l8S
ussian hIms o1thc 5taIin cta wctc, i1anthin,
cvcn wotsct hanthcnovcIs. Mobod was intctcstcd.
A womanaskcdatc11ct in a bank: "1 havca onc-
toubIc banknotc hctc. What can do with it"
"You can takc it t o thc I8V cincma to scc a
ussian hI m.
"And t hat's aI1 nccd t oct in"
"YouwiI1a1sonccdasubmachinc un, madam."
"Asubmachinc un" What 1ot"
"Lad,ou'1I bc scatcdsti inthat bicincmaaII
b outscI1!
Vrst 1hng8 IrSt
!n thc othct hand, thctc was an cnotmous in-
tctcst 1ot thc Wcstctn movics occasiona11 shown
dutin thc 5ta1in cta, such as Lautcncc !Iivict's
0HPl and PHI) . Lon I incs 1otmcd 1ot
tickcts,and sca1pcts 1ccs sktockctcd.
1nsidct hccincma,awomansaidtohctncihbot:
"Look, thc scat ncxt t oou is cmpt!
"Ycs, 1 know. M husband had an accidcnt and
couId not comc.
"Thcn wh didnt ou ivc thc tickct t o a
tcIativc"
"ThccouIdnt comc,cithct.Thca11 wcntto his
1unctaI .
L0uc8l80 Lu8SS
1n 1951, Ion bcfotc anbod sctiousI an
ticipatcd a 5ovict-Chincsc tift , t hc CzcchosIovak
ministct of infotmation, tcsponsibIc fot indoc-
ttinatin CzcchosI ovakia's 14 miIIion inhabitants,
visitcd China.
"How man Chincsc, doousupposc, hc askcd
Mao Tsc Tun, "atc opposcd to out tcimc"
"Vct fcw, sas Mao. "Mot motcthanabout14
miIIion, l wouId think.nd in CzcchosIovakia"
"Mot motc than t hat,cithct.
%008Sl 8Sl8
On the othet hand when 5ino-5ovict tcIations
did tcach Iowctin hostiIit a dccadc Iatct, t hc
foIIowinstot madc thc tounds :n tauc:
lt was 5t. ctct's bitthda and hc dccidcd to
tant onc wishtocach oft hc htst thtccattivaIs in
hcavcn.
Thc htst was a ussian; hc askcd that thc
bubonic pIauc consumc 8 miIIion Chincsc.
Thc sccond was a Chinaman; hc askcd that an
catthquakc dcstto ussia withnot onc btick Icft
standinonanothct ftomVIadivostoktothcloIish
ftont ict.
Thc thitd was a Czcch: "YcII , 5t. ctct, ifou
atc oin t o tant t hcsc two cntIcmcn t hcit tc-
qucsts, l wouId sutcI apptcciatc a cup of
cocc. . .
i
9
Al lh8 Ln0 0 MS H0p8
Cadtc!mcct is aposiJionJhaJ hasnocquivaIcnJ
in YcsJctn counJtics, whctc 5ccuriJ !mcct is
pcthaps Jhc ncatcsJ , Jhouh nowhctc ncar. Hc
waJchcs ovct Jhc idcoIoicaI tcI iabiIiJ o1 Jhc
cmpI occs o1 his compan (cvcr compan, no
maJJcr howsmaII , has onc) ,consJanJI invcsJiaJcs
Jhc acJiviJics - boJh omciaI and privaJc - o1 aII
pctsonncI , chccks ouJ ncw cmpI occs bc1otc Jhc
atc hitcd, has a hIc o1 tcpotJs on cvcr cmpI occ,
andtcporJs "radishcs ( rcd ouJsidc, whiJc insidc)Jo
JhcsccrcJ poIicc.!nI pctsons o1 unswctvinI oaI-
Jand unhcsiJaJintuJhIcssncsscJJhcj ob( otwanJ
, O lHdl dllI). H c8drc occr s Jhc mosJ
haJcd mcmbcr o1 Jhc Iowct cchcI ons o1 Jhc Com-
munisJ powct sJtucJutc.
Thc chatwoman tushcs inJoJhc ditccJot's omcc.
"ComtadcditccJor!!utcadtc omccrhashancd
himscI1 in Jhc JoiIcJ!
"Good God! Havc Jhc cuJ himIoosc"
"Mo, noJ cJ.
"Yh noJ"
"Thctc is sJiII somc I i1c Ic1J in him. . .
8hn0 8lS
A dtunk stactsthtouhthc sttccts o1 ltauc,
ttips, and 1a11s 1acc down ont o a scwct t:d.
caininconsciousncssa1tct thc b1ow, hc squ:ns
thtouhthc batso1 thc tidand mutmuts:
"l shou1d havc known bcttct than tottust out
cadtc omcct. . .
L0ml808 A8S0p
Actowsatona btanchho1d:na p:ccc o1btcad
in its bcak.
"Yhat a 1ovc1 voicc ou havc, said thc 1ox.
Thcctow put thc btcad undct its win, ctowcd,
and tctticvcd thc btcad.
"Butoutcadtc omcct:s11itt:nw:t houtw:1c!
"Yhat" cxc1aimcd t hc ctow and dtoppcd thc
btcad.
Thc motaI o1 thc stot st h s
Yhctc cadtc omccts atc concctncd, kccp out
mouth shut ot ou w:1 1 osc out dai1 btcad.
1hHnkSgVng
"You don't say 1H0HK LOO any motc, " a pto-
paandist cottcctcd onc o1 his studcnts. "Yousay
1H0HK Ol0IH.
"And whcn 5taI in dics""askcdt hc studcnt .
"hcn you can say 1H0HK LOO! says a voicc
1tomthc back o1thc haII .
Lagta Lun8
Yhcn 5taIin did dic, thc dcviIs I ockcd thc atcs
o1 hcII ,1ot hc was motcthan cvcn thcycouIdtakc.
But ncw attivaIs piIcd up, and thcy, too, wctc
I ockcd out. 5o onc o1 thcm, an athIctc, makcs a
dcaI with5taIin:11 hccts5taIin in,hcwiIIopcnt hc
atcs 1ot thc othcts.
Hc opcnsa baandtcIIs 5taIin toct in. Thcnhc
caIIs thc dcviIs bchind thc atc.
"Ooyouhavca1cIIowbythcnamc o1 KatI Matx
in thctc""
"Ycs, wcdo, "answct t hc dcviIs.
Thc athIctc t htows thc ba ovctthc waII .
"YcII , hctc is thc intctcst on his L0Il0!
zz
Ln 8l8nc8
huswas5taIinsmuIcd intohcII.AIcxandct11,
a IibctaI sat (as sats wcnt) was aItcadythctc.
"YcIcomc, Yosif Vissationovich, hc tcctcd
5taIin. "And how is Mothct ussia"
"Ooin wcII , Yout Majcsty, doin wcII
"Oothc pcasants own t hcIandnow"
"Ycs , thcydo. At Icast in a way.hc statc owns
thc Iand, but thcy wotk on it , if you know what
1 mcan. ..
"es kDOw whl O mcan. lt wasthcsamc in
myday... And howabout thc ptcss" 1s it ftcc"
"AbsoIutcIy. hcy must not wtitc aainst thc
ovctnmcnt, of coutsc, but it is absoI utcIy ftcc
othctwisc.
"Ycs, that is how it was in myday,too .. . And
howabout out vodka, is it stiII 40 aIcohoI"
"Mo, says 5taIin ptoudIy. "5ovict vodka is 45
aIcohoI .
"YcII , wcII , sotimc has not stood stiII. . .
5iIcncc, whiIc sat AIcxandct muscs.
Aftct a whiIc hc spcak upaain.
"Listcn, YosifVissationovich, hc says. "Yas a
siIIy hvc pct ccnt in vodka tcaIIy wotththc whoIc
uphcavaI?
%ghl8l 1h8n lh8 bW0l0
HcII .
MapoIcon, thc Kaisct, and H:tIct tcmin:scc.
"l fl hadhad butasinIctank,1wouId havcwon
at YatctI oo,"sas MapoIcon.
"A sinIc jct bombct wouId he Due n thc
ctc8\ ctdun, muscs thc Ka:sct.
"AII 1 nccdcd was I0VO0, sas HitIct. "Had
lconttoIIcd I0VO0 Thc uss:ans wouIdnotknow
tothis dathat l I ost t hc wat . .
1h8 bup8lbl8ln
ltomYcstctn Czcchos1ovakatothc Bctn5ca
thctc wasnotata1toadstaton wt houtastatuc o1
5ta1n, not a c1asstoom wthout hs pctutc. But
t hc bcst 5ta1n statuc wasnotn Moscow,not in
5ta1ntad; t was n ltauc. hc Czcch Com-
munst latt out-5ta1ncd a11 5ta1n wotshppcts
b bu1dn a monumcnt somc !20 1cct ta11
( pcthaps motc, 1 do not know 1ot sutc).1t was
hcwn out o1 tantc b1ocks ttuckcd n 1tom a
quatt n MotthBohcma, and thc btdcs on thc
wa had t obc tcn1otccd t owthstand thc sttcss .
hc h11 on whchthc Lcadct o1 Matonsstood had
t o bc vcn njcct ons o1 conctctc 1cst t co11apsc
Uter Iis we:ght. t tOOK motc thantwocats t o
hnsh ths 5ta1n o1 a11 5ta1ns , an wt h \hc
Czcchs' ptovctba1 bad 1 uck, \ was hnshcd n
1954,twocats bc1otc t hc 0thlatt Contcssn
Moscow, whctc 5ta1n, posthumous1 and tcm-
potat1, 1c11 ntodstacc.
lna11 t hc otc stood t hctc, 1 ookndown on
ltauc, sm1n, hs 1c1t hand, Mapo1con-1kc,
tuckcd nsdc hs cncta1ssmo's tunc.
1n Czcch 1o1k1otc, thctc s a 1ccnd assocatcd
wth most bu1dns n ltauc's !1d Ct. hc
5ta1n monumcnt had ts 1ccnd, t oo.
Thc Czcch Communst latt askcd 5ta1n t o
comct otaucandapptovct hcstc OI hmonu-
mcnt. Hc stood on t hc h11 , 1 ookn down on
tauc, sm1n.

5
"Ycs, comtadcs, 1 Ikc t But t's on t cost
ou a ptctt pcnn.A11ow mc to conttbutc.
And hc tcachcd fot hs chcckbook n thc nsdc
pockct ofhs coat.
"How muchs t ont ocost"
Thc toId hmthc ptcc, and hc was pctthcd.


VN0OY
Thc antc 5tanstatuc was backcd b tantc
b1ocks whoscsdcswctcadotncdbhutcs hcwnn
tc1cf. Thc tcptcscntcd wotkcts , pcasants.
so1dcts, uctIIas, ctc. , and wctc muchsma11ct, as
bchts mctc mottaIs. Thc wctc I ookn nto thct
I otd's bacsdc, wh1c

thc I otd hmscIf 1ookcd

down onltac,whoscctzcnswctcfotcvctstand-
n n Inc to bu food and othct oods n shott
suppI.
"Oo ou know wh 5taIn n thc monumcnt s
smInsohappI"
"Yh""
"Bccausc hc hasthc bcst p1acc n thc qucuc.
b8Hlchng 0l b0lul0nS
MotIonaftctthcmonumnt wascompIctcd,thc
20thlattyContcss mct inMoscowin !95; 5taIin
bccamc an Lnpctson, and t hc Czcchs wctcstuck
wit hthc bicst 5taIin monumcnt in t hc wotId.
An avaIanchc of I ccfuIIy mockin sucstions
of what to do with it madc thc rounds aI onthc
undctound tapcvnc: shoot out onc ofhis cycs
withhcavyattiIIctyand makcit amonumcnttoJan

ika a !5th ccntuty Czcch cnctaI|; twist his

moustachc untiI hc Iooks Iikc K. H. Botovsk
[a !9thccntuty Czcch poct|; and othcts.
A woman inquitcd at thc Ministty of1nfotma-
tion about thcpIans fott hc monumcnt.
"Yhat busincss ofyouts is it , comtadc""askcd
the oal.
YcII,1thouht youmihtI ct us havconcofthc
catsataood pticc.Myhusbandand1 havcaIways
ycatncd fot out own swimmin pooI ...
VHSSng lh8 uck
Attacksont hcIatc5taIin bccamcmotcftcqucnt
in t hc 5ovict ptcss. 5taIin's potttaits and statucs
bcan to disappcat . 1n ussia, thc 5taIin Auto-
mobiIc lIant was tcnamcd t hc Moscow Automo-
biIc lIant . 1n Budapcst ,t hc HnatiancvoIution
had Icft onI y t hc dictatot's boots standin on a
pcdcstaI; bIowt otchcs had bccn uscdt ofcII t hcup
pct patt o1t he cadct o1 atons, whh was t hen
smashcd to tubbIc. 1n East BctIin, 5taIin's most
dcdicatcd vicctoy LIbticht avc in: His wotkmcn
sawcd o thc statuc o1 his bcIovcd mastcr I ikc
thicvcs inthc niht,and LIbricht'sshow piccc, thc
StaI inaIIcc, suddcnIy bccamcthc lrank1urtcrAIIcc
aain. !nIy thc Czcchs wcrc stiII stuck with thcir
iant monstcr.
But in thc Sovict Empirc, thc buck is passcd
downward; it cnds with t hc I ittIc man tooIowto
pass it on.
lrcsidcnt Movotn phoncd thc primc ministct
"ct to O IDC monumcnt.
Thc primc ministcr phoncs thc ministcro1in1or-
mation ( propaanda ministcr). "Gct rid o1 thc
monumcnt.
"Mothin to dowith mc,hc snaps back. "Ask
Dc DID:ster Ot UcCD3C. ) O RIS 8adcsonthc
pIain bchind thc monumcnt.
"Mothin to do with mc, says thc ministcr o1
dc1cnsc. "Ask thc ministcr o1 thc intcrior. His
ministrystands riht ncxt to it.
"Gct rid o1thc monumcnt,thc ministcr o1thc
intcrior is toId ovctthc tcIcphonc.
"Yhat monumcnt? hc asks, dccpIy surptiscd.
"Y ou knowdamn wcII what monumcnt. KindIy
takc a Iook out o1your window!
"YcII, what do you know, thcrc tcaIIy is a tiny
I ittIc monumcnt thcrc. But just wait andscc what
my boys o1 thc scctct poIicc do to thc pro
paanda scctctaty o1lrauc's 7th district!
P0l AgHn
Thcussians wcrc in troubIc, too. Yhat to do
wth5ta1n's body nthc Mausolcum?
"Gctrid ofit, saysKhrushchcv."5cnd it awayas
faras possibIc. !ut ofthc country.
"But what country wouId takc thc monstcr"
asks Kaanovich.
"lsal, says Mkoyan."hccs 1l dot fot
moncy. Yc wiII paythcm wcII.
A tcI cram is scnt t o1sracI , ocrin oncmiI1ion
doIIars.
TcI Aviv witcs back within t hc hout.
"No 1uaNKs. wB H H oNB kBsUkkBc1toN
mkB aLkFabY."
LllHh
1n !9! , 5ta|n's bodywastcmovcd1tomthccd
5quatc Mauso|cumand butcdamonsccond-tank
5ovct |cadcts who tatcd on|y a p|aquc n thc
Ktcm|in wa||
hc nsctpton on thc p|aquc, said thc adics,
wou|d tcad
1O lH8 OSlHuHOuS) O8DuHK8O OH8
IOH lH8 OSlHuHOuS) 8XOH8I0l8O.
@nntsncncv
1H8 0HuS IS HOl lH8 HOSl 80S0Hl 0Il
OJ lH8 DOO)
-klc 5. Khruschcv,
lcclurn 5ovcl wrlcrs on
howlo wrlcoodllcrclurc
8m0nSllHl0n
Yhcn Khtushchcv had hnishcd his 1amous
spccch dcnouncin 5taIin at thc 20th latt Con-
tcssin !95,hcaskcd1ot qucstionstobcpasscdt o
t hc tosttum in wtitin.
"Comtadcs, hc said a1tct tcccivin a batch o1
qucstionsIips,"1havctcccivcd aqucstionaskin7S
DDSH8VIKS, HDW CDuO )Du Sl0HO D) 0HO W0lCH
Ol0IHS 0lIDCIlI8S WIlHDul S80KIH Dul 00IHSl
lH8H: Yho wtotc this, comtadcs?"
Icncc.
"1 ask ou aain, comtadcs: Yho askcd this
qucstion?
5iIcncc.
"Comtadcs, atcwc BoIshcviks ot atcwccowatd
I oId womcn? sa 1ot t hc thitd and I ast t imc:
Yhocvct askcd this qucstion, Ict himstand up I ikc
a man!
5iIcncc.
"You scc,comtadcs?hat'scxactI wh wckcpt
out mouths shut, too . . .
1h8 LlHf0yHnl
Thc fo||owin stoty may |ook as if it had bccn
tcconsttuctcd withhindsiht. 1t hasn't: This ishow
1 hcatd itin Ftauc in thc sptin of195.
AsKhtuschcv dtoncd on at thc 20th FattyCon-
tcss,onc ofthc dc|catcsdozcdo.5oonhcbcan
to ta|k in his slccp.
"Khtuschcv, that spinc|cssttaitot. . . Bulanin, a
pid acnt ofthc impctialists.. . Molotov, a fou|
cncmy ofthc toilin masscs. . . "
Hisncihbot shakcs him awakc.
"Wakc up, comtadc! You wi|| ct us a|| into
ttoublc!"
HhU 1D etsitation thc dclcatc wakcs up.
"1 just had thc most hottib|c nihtmatc, com-
tadc! 1 dtcamt 1 was a dclcatc to thc 21st Fatty
Concss ... "
33
%8lHm0lh0SS
lrom !948 untiI 5taIin's dcath in 1953, nobody
- notChurchiII norTruman noranybodycIsc -
was honorcd bythc Communistprcsswithasmuch
abusc as thc YuosIav hcrctic Tito. Thc invcctivc
rancdfrom"hcnchman ofthc Amcrican impcriaI-
ists" to "thc bI oody butchcr of thc YuosIav
pcopIc, " but thcrc was onc cpithct that was ncvcr
missin 1H8 DOOOHOuHO. "Tito, thc bI oodhound"
DeCane aD DUIVIIOC [RIdS.
But aftcr 5taIin's dcath, thc ncw 5ovict Icadcr
ship improvcd rcIations, and in !955 Khrushchcv
and BuIanin arrivcdon a statc visitto BcIradc.
As thc 5ovicts stcppcd from thc pIanc and saw
Tito waitin to wcIcomc his visitors, Khrushchcv
opcncdhis arms andcxcIaimcd:
"Mycharmin I ittIc fox tcrricr!"
3
MS %HSl8tS Y0c8
1n anothcr fcncc-mcndintripdurinthistimc,
Khruschcv and Bulanin wcnt to En|and.
But thcrc was a problcm. Frotocol dcmandcd
that Khrushchcv kiss thc Quccn's hand at thc
rcccption in Buckinham Falacc. Yct how could
thchcadofthc statc ofworkcrsandpcasantsthus
humiiatc himsclfbcforc monarchy"
"Thcy havc a lot of spiritualists in ondon,"
says Bulanin. "ct thcm conjurc up cnin's
host, and wc will ask him for advicc."
Acccptcd.
"Kiss hcr hand," sayscnin's host.
"But Vladimir llitch as Bolshcviks. . . "
"!h, shut up, Khrushchcv! You hadnoqualms
about kissin 5talin's ass for 30 ycars, so don't
fuss about kissin thc hand ofa |ady!"
Lqu88
Back in Moscow, Khruschcv cts disustcd with
somcthin and spits on thc carpct in thc Krcm|in.
"Bchavc yoursc|1, Mikita 5crcycvich," ad-
monishcs Kaanovich. "cmcmbcr that thc rcat
cnin wa|kcd throuh thcsc ha||s!"
"5hutup, Kaanovich, what doyou know about
ctiqucttc"1can spita||l |ikc hcrc l havcitstraiht
1rom thc Quccn o1 En|and!"
"Thc Quccn o1 En|and""
"Ycs!l spatonhcrcarpctin BuckinhamFa|acc,
too, and shc said, ' Mr. Khrushchcv, no doubt you
candothisinthcKrcm|in,butyoucan' tbchavc |ikc
this hcrc... ' "
AcculH8 J0ulnHlSm
Morc trips 1o||owcd. ln 1955, thc Gcncva
mcctin with Frcsidcnt Eiscnhowcr took p|acc.
A 20 yard racc bctwccn Eiscnhowcr and
Khrushccv is arrancd a1tcr thc con1crcncc. Thc
rcsu|t is rcportcd by uOP I0VO, thc CzcchCom
munist dai|y, as1o||ows:
"Comradc Khrushchcv conqucrcd thc sccond
p|acc; thc Amcrican Frcsidcnt pantcd in last but
onc.
I0cHl LHll
That ycat Khtushchcv also htstvisitcd thc L5.
1n thc Whitc Housc hc i s imptcsscd with a
mitaclc of Amctican tcchnoloy, a ditcct
tclcphonclinc to hcll.
Hccalls up 5talin and has a convctsation with
him. Atthccnd ofthccall, thcopctatot tcllshim
"Thtcc minutcs; thcchatc is 10."
Back in Moscow, hccxhottshiscommunication
CD_DCCI3 DO lO u_ DCD1DU Du rDutCuD5 uDU lO
install a similat linc in thc Ktcmlin. Whcn it is
hnishcd, hc calls 5talin and talkswith him fot an
hout . Thcn thc opctatot announccs "1 minutcs,
80 kopcks."
Khtushchcv is futious and shouts at his
cninccts: "What kind offtaud atc you ttyin to
put ovct on mc" A cnuinc call to hcll costs thc
Amcticans 1T0 fot 3 minutcs, so don't tcll mc1
was talkin to hcll whcn thc bill fot motcthan an
hout is lcss than a roublc!"
"Ah, but that is dictcnt, comtadc chaitman,"
says thc chicfcnincct. "Whcn thcAmcticanscall
hcll, thcy havctocall lon distancc. "
3T
t 0n0l0uS blHl
Frauc's bicst industrial p|ant, producin
railroad cnincs and othcr hcavy machincry, is
callcd CKO 5talinrad. ikc all Czcch industrial
p|ants, its main bui|din is toppcd by a rcd, hvc-
pointcd star. ikc a|l Czcch industrial p|ants, it is
ricvous|y mismanacd.
Whcn Khrushchcv chancd thc namc of 5ta
lnrad to Volarad, thc dircctor of CKO 5ta-
linradcallcd a mcctin of his advisory board.
"Whatnow""
"Easy cnamc it CKO Bcthlchcm."
"Why Bcthlchcm""
"A star abovc and a sty undcrncath. . ."
1hHnkSgVng
Thc samc plant was also thc sccnc of a truc
occurcncc.
"Wcthank thcFartyandGovcrnmcnt for . . . "is
a stanoato phrasc on billboards, strcamcrs, and in
ncwspapcrhcadlincs. 1fpriccsarc raiscd, it iscallcd
an "adjustmcnt," butitis bcttcrnot mcntioncd; if,
occasionaIIy,thc pricc ofsomc productsisI owcrcd,
up o thc biIIboards "Wc thank thc Farty and
Govcrnmcnt for thc pricc rcductions. "
1n !954 (1 bcIicvc), a partiaI soIarccIipsc passcd
throuh CcntraI Europc; Iikc aII nonpoIiticaI
cvcnts, it causcd muchintcrcstand was much writ-
tcn about.
!n thc mornin ofthc ccI ipsc, thc poIicc wcrc
caIIcd to CKD 5taIinrad. A sI oan paintcd on thc
waII by unknown pcrpctrators was quickIy rc-
movcd. 1t said:
WB 1HaNK 1HB raR1Y aNb 1HB CovBRNuBN1 roR
1HB soLaR BcLirsBl
LXlH-b8nS0ly V8lc80n
Two Czcch "shock workcrs" arc rcwardcd by a
triptothc 5ovictLnion, butonIyonc rcturns. Hc is
surroundcd by his co-workcrs.
"What's thc foodIikc""
"WoncrfuI, 1 couIdn't bcIicvc mycycs. "
"Andworkin conditions""
"WondcrfuI, 1 couI dn'tbcIicvc mycycs."
"And I ivin conditions""
"WondcrfuI, 1 couIdn'tbcIicvc mycycs. "
"Andwhcrc is Joc""
"1n 5ibcria. Hc did bcIicvc hiscycs. "
9
bHlVHl0n
Thisonccamc fromBudapcst,somcycarsbcforc
thc rcvolution.
"kosi Gcrandlarks [prc-195Communist
lcadcrs| o for a plcasurc ridc in a rowboat on
Lakc Balaton. 5uddcnly a stron windsprins up,
andthc boatcapsizcs.Monc ofthcmcan swim, and
all thrcc scrcam for hclp. Gucss who is savcd!"
"Who!"
"Thc Hunarian pcoplc. "
3Bt Rngl0l8nchZ0nSl L0nSlHcy
Budapcst, !ctobcr !95: cvolution aainstthc
Communist opprcssors.
A man sits in an hotcl room, rcadin Rudc
Pr0vo, thc Czcch Communist daily. !utsidc,
machincuns chattcr, ric hrc cracklcs, artillcry
shcllscplodc, bombs whinc.But unpcrturbcd, hc
rcads on about thc Anlolrcnch landin on thc
5ucz Canal.
5uddcnly a shcllcplodcs soclosc that thc blast
throws him out ofhischair.
"Thcsc damncdimpcrialists!"hccclaims. "You
can hcar thcmall thc way from 5ucz... "
1h8 bnHg
Aftcr thc uprisin, Kadr, hcad ofthc Hunarian
puppct ovcrnmcnt, wcnt to Moscow to con1cr
withKhrushchcv.
"What do you nccd to ct thins oin aain,
Comradc Kadr""
" !train|oadso1 window pancs. "
"You sha|| havc thcm. Whatc|sc""
"20 train|oads ofccmcnt. "
"You sha|| havc thcm. Whatc|sc""
"50hcavytrucks."
"You sha|| havc thcm.. Andwic thatrin o
your facc, wi|| you" What's thc mattcr, don't you
be1eve me?"
"!f coursc 1 bc|icvc you, Comradc Khrush-
chcv. . . 1t'sjust that1 am wondcrin. . . Wi| thc
Czcchsbc ab|c to dc|ivcr""
P8W 1y8 0 HH0Hl
Hcarda fcwwccksaftcrthc Hunarian uprisin.
Thc ussian |atcst sccrct wcapon: AKadarwith
rcmotc contro|.
0g'S 8
Thc Folcs had rcvoltcdin 195, too. lor scvcral
ycars aitcr thc bloodlcss coup, Foland was a
e ee cu. I ono, howv, w8s
allbut ruincd. !n thc othcr hand, Czcchoslovakia
wasbcttcrothan any othcr Communistcountry.
But politically, it continucd to bc a bastion of
5talinism sccond only to East Gcrmany undcr its
Gaulcitcr Llbricht (nobody countcd Albania for
anythin, anywa) .
Two dosarc crossin thc Czcchoslovak-Folish
bordcrin oppositc ditcctions.
"Hi, " says thc Czcch do crossin into Foland.
"Whcrc arc youoin""
"To cat a littlc aain,"saysthc Folishdo cross-
n into Czcchosovakia. "And you""
"To bark a littlc aain."
V08 Hn0 V8HSHn
Khrushchcv's I ibcra|ism toward thc arts, cs-
pcciaIIyI itcraturc, was shortIivcd. 1t had produccd
ru c astctnaksLoclor Zhtvago, hrcnbur's
7hc 7haw, and5o|zhcnitsyn's7 La) in lhe Lj|e o/
!van Lcnisovich. 5oon Khrushchcv, who had
manifcst dimcuItics rcadin thc tcxts of his own
spccchcs, bcan to handout advicc on how to writc
oodI itcraturc, and dcIivcrcdscvcraI hcrcc attacks
on unorthdox works of5ovictwritcrs.
"Hc rcaIIychcwcd you out,"says aussian pca
sant|ccfuI|ytoanovc|istaftcrrcadin onc fthcsc
spccchcs in Pravda.
"Hc isnot vcry kind about aricuI turc, cithcr."
"Thats dicrcnt' says thc pcasant. "Whcn
Khrushchcv taI ks aboutIitcraturc, hc knows what
hc is ta|kin about."
hHl 8 P880 %0Sl
Manyprc-warCommunistparticshadarcctin
such as thc Gcrman lOIW0IlS ["lorward"| . Whcn
thcy camc to powcr, thc rcctin was introduccd
forformaIoccasionsandomciaI convcrsations, but
it is rarcIy uscd in privatc and hardIy cvcr in thc
country.
1n Hunarian, thc rcctin is O/0D0OS0!
"lrccdom"; andKhrushchcv was fond of usin a
fcw words in thc I anuac of thc country hc was
visitin.
!n avisittoHunary, hc sccsapcasantworkin
in thc hcI ds.
"OZ0D0OS0 |reedomj!" he ca!!s OUt tO h:D.
"Ycs, your honor," answcrs thc pcasant. "That
- and ifitwouId rain aI itt|c morc. . .
lP!fJ8J0IJ0
Mcwtsn
Moxcs
100 H0
CommunistantiscmitismisIcssovcrtthanthatof
thc Mazis. Frcachin antiscmitism wiII Iandonc in
jaiI; practicin it wiII ct onc a promotion. Thcrc
arc ccrtain jobs that a Jcw can ncvcrct; but hc is
ncvcr toId thc rcaI rcason why hc is rccctcd.
A Jcw appIicd for thc job ofa maiIman.
"Can you rcad EnI ish, lrcnch, Gcrman, and
ussian!" askcdthc pcrsonncI manacofthc post
officc.
"Ycs,1 can. "
"Can you run !0 mctrcs in undcr !2 scconds!"
"Ycs,1 can. "
"Can ouIaa ItDD_et7
"Ycs,1 can. "
"Can you ridc a bicycIc!"
"Ycs,1 can. "
"Thcn wc cannot usc you. Wc nccd a maiIman
who cannot ridc a bicycIc. "
lOstOns nOrma|Iy cIOscd tO Jcws (c. ., cncra|, am-
bassadOr, mnstcr) can bc Occupcd by "laradc Jcws" whOsc
sOIc|ObistObc paradcdtO prOvc thatthc|ObcdnbcOccupcd
by a Jcw. Jhcrc arc, OIcOursc, OnIy Onc Or twO laradc Jcws
pcr |Ob catcOry.
100 HSky
A man ocrs his act to thc dircctor of thc
Mationalicd Circuscs and Varicty5hows.
"1 havc a mousc orchcstra."
"A what""
"An orchcstra of micc. "And hc unwraps a casc
rcvca|in a miniaturc orchcstra. 5trins, wood-
winds, brass, pcrcussion. Conductor and musi-
cians, a|l micc.
"1ncrcdiblc. . .
"Thcy wi|| p|ay anythin you say."
"Lctthcm p|ay Bccthovcn's lifth.
"Thc man snapshishncrsandthc/orlisstmo of
thc opcnin bars rcsounds. Thc micc arc playin
ccthovcns iilh 5ympLny.
"1ncrcdib|c! Mindbolin! lantastic. . . But 1
can'thirc you. "
"Whynot""
"Y ou scc thc |cadcr of thc sccond io|ins ovcr
thcrc""
"Wcll""
"Hc looks much too Jcwish. . . "
M0m8 Hn0 AWHy
Thc Cadrc!mccrscc . 20sJrikcsup aconvcr-
sation wiJh Goldbcr.
"Wcll, Comradc Goldbcr,iJ sccmsyourcccivcd
a lcJJcrycsJcrday""
"1 did."
"WiJha forcin sJamp""
"Ycs."
"lrom1sracl""
"Ycs. "
"lrom yourbroJhcr""
"Ycs. "
"BuJ in yourcadrc qucsJ ionnairc youwroJc in Jhc
'claJivcs Abroad' column ' Monc. Oo you know
Jhc pcnalJy for ivin falsc informaJion in your
Oe Quc8tODDutc1
"1 didnoJ ivc falsc informaJion.
"How comc""
"1J's mc who is abroad. My broJhcr is homc!"
l'S All lh8 J8WS' Hull
Thcrc is an acutc housin shortac ( apartmcnt
shortac, actua||y - thcrc arc fcw houscs)
throuhout thc Eastcrn b|oc. !nc of thc stop-ap
mcasurcs takcn in Czcchos|ovakiawasthc appoint
mcnt of Apartmcnt lnspcction Committccs. Thcy
wcrc cmpowcrcd tocntcr and chcck |ivin quartcrs
in thc hopc of discovcrin "cxccssivc" |ivin spacc
- morc than 240 squarc fcctpcr pcrson.
Two such omcia|s cntcran apartmcnt.
"How many rooms""
"livc. "
"How many occupants""
"Thrcc."
"What" You say that without b|ushin" ln this
shortac of|ivin spacc" Yournamc, p|casc!"
"J. Hcndrych. "
ccupaton"
"5ccond 5ccrctary ofthc Ccntra| Committcc of
thc Communist Farty ofCzcchos|ovakia."
Thc omcia|s row faint. "Comradc Hcndrych,
wc arc most awfu||y sorry. . . a tcrrib|c crror. .
p|casc forivc us.. a thousand apo|o:cs. . . "and
thcy disappcar as fast as thcy can.
Anothcrapartmcnt.
"How many rooms""
"Thrcc. "
"How many occupants""
"5atah and mysc|f. Two."
"What" And you say this without blushin"
Yournamc!"
"1saacoscnbcr. "
"!ccupation!"
"5tatccsponsiblc!"
Aain thc omcials row faint. "A thousand
apoloics, Comradc oscnbcr. . . " andaain thcy
disappcar as quickly as thcy can.
"Grcat j ob, 1saac," says 5arah, who had bccn
listcnin with anuish. "But what docs 5lale
Responsib/e mcan""
"Wcll, ifanythin ocswron inthisstatc, who
doyou think is rcsponsib|c""
nc0m8l8nc8
Thc Chicfabbi of Moscow has dicd. His suc-
ccssoristobc approvcdbyKhrushchcv pcrsonally.
Hc rcads thc list ofcandidatcs brouht to him.
"Abramov, lcinbcr,1zakovich,cvcntal, Grin-
baum. . Havc youallonc stark ravin mad" This
list containsnothin but Jcws"
W W
VlVl8g80
A butchct's shop istumotcd to havc tcccivcd a
shipmcnt of mcat. A I on qucuc fotms immc-
diatcIy.
Thcy wait many houts; thcn thc FattyOisttict
5cctctaty attivcs and asks: "Any Jcws in this
qucuc""
A fcw hands show up.
"WcII, o homc. Thctc isnotcnouhmcattoo
tound.'
Thcy wait anothct thtcc houts. hcn thc 5cctc-
tatyisback.
"Anybodyhctc whoisnota patty mcmbct""
Most pcopIc in thc qucuc taisc thcit hands.
"WcII, o homc. Thctc is not cnouh to o
tound. '
Thc Fattymcmbcts waitfot anothct twohouts.
Thcn thc 5cctctatytcappcats.
"Comtadcs, now that wc atc amon outscIvcs,
l wiII tcII you ftankIy: Thctc's no mcat at aII."
Onc of thc pcopIc in thc qucuc spits out in
disust: "Oncc aain thcsc ditty Jcws ot thc bcst
dcaI . . . "
1h8 %lkmHn
lcinbcr applics for a passporJ Jo cmiraJc Jo
lsracl. Hc cJs a summons Jo Jhc MinisJry o1
lnJcrior.
"5o, Comradc lcinbcr, you don'J likc our
Fcoplc'sOcmocraJicCzcchos|ovakia, ch""
"l |ovc iJ, Comradc lnspccJor, l lovc iJ . Thcrc is
onlyoncJhin JhaJ boJhcrsmc.Evcrymornin aJ7
a. m., Jhc mi|kman lcavcs my mi|k, knocks aJ my
doorand wakcs mc. "
"Andin lsracl, arcn'J youoin J odrinkmilk""
"Ycs. "
"And arc you oin J ohavc iJ brouhJ Joyour
doorbJhc m1kman?"
"Ycs. "
"And is hcoin Jo wakc you by knockin aJ
yourdoor aJ 7 a. m.""
"Ycs. "
"5owhaJ'sJhc dicrcncc""
"Thc dicrcncc is JhaJ in lsracl l know iJ's J hc
mi|kman!"
AnSW8l80
oscnbcr aI so wantcd toIcavc thc country.
"And what is )OuI rcason"" asks thc ociaI at
thc Fassportcc.
"1 am toI da porom is bcin prcparcd. Aainst
thc Jcws and thc barbcrs."
"Whythc barbcrs""
"vcrybody asks that qucstion. That's why 1
wanttoIcavc. "
l0ng Hgn0SS
Thcn camc lrcudcnfcId.
"1nccdapassporttootoCanada.MyuncIc has
onc bI ind, hctrustsnooncbuthisrcI ativcs,andhc
nccds somcbody to run his busincss."
"h ycah" WcII, tcII your uncIc to scII his
busincss and cnjoy Iifc hcrc in our pcopIc's
dcmocracy. "
"Mo,no, Comradc1nspcctor, it'shiscycs!1t's his
cycs thathavc onc bad - not his brain!"
0lm Hn0 bubSlHnc8
Thcnthcrcwcrc thc Jcwswhodidctpcrmission
to cmiratc. With thc barcst oI bcIonins, of
coursc.
!nc of thcm wcnt throuh Czcch customs on
I avin thc country. Thc customs omccrs starc in
amazcmcntataframcdphotoraphin hissuitcasc.
"What's that""
"What do you mcan What's that"' Ask ' hho's
that! Comradc Movotn, Frcsicnt oI Czccho-
sIovakia!"
!n arrivaI in 1sracI , thc customs omccrs aIso
starc atthc photoraph."
"Who's that""
"What do you mcan 'Who's th'
# ''
lRd Lc ramc s purc oI d!"
M0m8, M0m8, bW88l M0m8
Hc wasnotthc onIyCzcchJcwtoarrivcin1sracI
with Comradc Movotn' s Iramcd photoraph.
Aain thc customs omccrs ask:
"Who's that""
"That is Comradc Movotn, Frcsidcnt oI thc
CzcchosI ovak cpubIic and lirst 5ccrctary of thc
CcntraI Committcc of thc Communist Farty of
CzcchosIovakia. And his picturc shaII han in my
roomuntiI l dic. "
"Mcshuc""
"Mo. Aainst homcsickncss . "
%uSc l0 %y LHlS
Kohn cmiratcs tolrancc. Evcry dayhcocsto
thc samc Faris caf, and cvcry day hc asks thc
waitcr to brin him a cup of black cocc, Pravda,
!zvcsli)a, Rudc Prcvo, and Parl) Lc.
Evcryday, thc waitcrbrinsthc cocc and says:
"Hcrc is your coffcc Monsicur Kohn, but
1 rcrctthcsc ournals arc not availablc hcrc. "
Thisocson for six months, untilthc waitcrcan
stand it noloncr.
"ook, MonsicurKohn, whydoyouaskmc for
thcsc j ournals cvcry day whcn you know vcry wcll
that thcyarc not availablc""
"Hcue V: ICNCI C C of hcarinit.. .
55
H0ug8 8l P0ll
Bcforc hc |cit for lsrac|, oscnbaum arrancd
codcswithGo|dstcin. B|ackinkwastobcuscdfor
|cttcrs that wcrc truc. cttcrs in rcd ink wcrc tobc
fa|sc, for makin aoodimprcssion on thc ccnsor.
5oon aftcr his arriva| in lsrac|, oscnbaum
rcccivcs hisrst |cttcr fromGo|dstcin in thc L55.
ln b|ack ink, so it must bc truc. But as hc starts
rcadn hs uCe gtOw5 OD_ IH UISDl.
"Wcarcraisin thcbanncrofMarxism-cninism
hihcryct, and |ivinthcrich|ifc ofcitizcnsofour
bc|ovcdpcop|c'sdcmocracy.!urstandardof|ivin
hasonc up bcyond a|| bounds. . . "
And so it ocs on unti| thc cnd ofthc |cttcr.
"Thcrc is buta sin|c shadow on myb|iss: You
can'tctabott|c ofrcdinkfor|ovc orformoncy!"
blHllSllcS 00n`l ll8
At thc VJJ Gcncva mccting, gocs this story,
Eiscnhowcr rcproachcd Khrushchcv for thc ant-
scmitism ofthc Sovict govcrnmcnt. FaithfuItothc
principlcs of covcrt antiscmitism, Khrushchcv
fumcd.
"Antiscmitism! RidicuIousl J.4Vo ofour musi-
ciansarc Jcwsl !nmcdicincthcpcrccntagcis4Z.
ndZJ. b% in ll6l8l0l6l JV. "0 33 J1 Z"
in cnginccringl Butyou in Amcrica," hc countcr-
attackcd, "whcrc doyou stand onthis!"
"Wc aIso havc a Iot of Jcws in thc arts and
scicnccs," said Eiscnhowcr. "But wc ncvcr got
roundto hguringthcpcrccntagcs. "
Hl8clcS
Dialcctical Matcrialism is thc omcial philosophy
ofthc Communist Party. Evcryonchas totakcin
doctrinationcourscsinit,andcvcryonciscxpcctcd
to study it. !t is a collcction oftrivialitics that has
no othcr usc than to ustify thc inconsistcncics of
thccvcr-changingparylinc.
Kohn was studying dialcctics inprcparation for
onc ofthcpcriodicpurgcs. Buthccould notmakc
hcador tail ofit, so hcwcntto his Rabbi.
"Dialcctics!"saysthcRabbi."Easy. !'llcxplainit
to you. Two chimncyswccps fall down a chimncy
into thc hrcplacc. Onc isclcan, thc othcr is black
with soot. WhichoncO ah "
"hciry onc, ofcoursc.
"Wrong! Thc dirty onc sccs thc clcan onc and
thinks hc isclcan, too, thcclcan oncsccsthcothcr
covcrcd with soot, so hc gocs to wash. Lct's try
again. Two chimncyswccps fall down a chimncy.
Onc is clcan, hc othcr is dirty, which oncgocsto
wash!"
"Why, you |ust said thcclcanonc."
"Wrong! Each looks at his own hands, and thc
onc with dirty hands gocs to wash himsclf. Try
again. Tw chimncyswccps fall down a chimncy.
Which oncOS O wah hmSC|"
"Allright, thc dirtyonc, thcn! "
"Wrong! Ncithcr. Thc dirty onc sccs thc clcan
onc, and thc clcan onc loos at his hands. Try
again. Two chimncyswccps. . . "
"Stop, Rabbi, stop! "cricsKohn. "You'rc simply
twisting things to makc thcm comc out whichcvcr
way you want! "
"Now youvc got thc idca! " says thc Rabbi.
"That'swhat dialcctics isall about . . . "
A8lh0ugh
NcxtdayKohnis back.
"Rabbi,1 toldthcstoryaboutthcchimncys wccps
to Goldbcrg, and hcsays that's an old |okc about
thc Talmud. "
"Hcisquitcwrongthcrc, fricnd,"saysthcRabbi.
"Thc Talmud wou|d ask. What arc two chimncy-
swccpsdoingin thc samcchimncy! And how comc
only onc ofthcm is dirty!"
00lhHl0y
ThcungIcs ofdarkcstAfrica.
Onc tribc has comc to visit anothcr. Thc
mcdicincmcn of thc two tribcs dancc facing cach
othcr. Asthcirbodics contorttothcrhythmofthc
drums, thchorrib|cmaskofoncofthcmshifts, so
thatpartofhis facc is rcvca|cd.
"GoIdbcrgl "cc|aimsthcothcr, andtakcsohis
mask.
"Roscnbauml " cc|aims thc hrst, and thcy rush
DtO uuCD OIDC5 ms.
"Whathappcncd toHirschfcId!"
"That advcnturcr!" GoIdbcrg spits out. "Hc
staycd inPraguc. . . "

P
@ue @tsstnNs
u1h]0Kd CT]dHd M0B ]0HdB,
MHOIO B HBK 1IBC0B, 01IBK H ]BK.
H ]jIOK TdKOh CT]dHbI HB BHdI0
lB TdK B01IH0 bIIIII1T lB1I0BBK!
Lcrc is m) /clhcr/cnd,
Acn) crc ils /orcsls, /c/ds cnd rivcrs.
! know nol o/ cn) olhcr counlr)
hhcrc mcn brcclhcs so /rcc/).
5gnalurc tunc OIKadO MOscOw
1h8 AlhH Hn0 Lm8gH 0 18chn0l0gy
Until Sputnik !, thcRussians,orrathcrthcirpro-
pagandists, hadanacutc(andunustihcd) infcrior-
itycomplcxabout Russianscicncc. Sothcywcntto
work. Gauss' Thcorcm bccamc Ostrogradskys
Thcorcm, thc Poynting vcctor bccamc thc Lmov
vcctor,thcCauchyRicmannconditionD008H0lB0
Eulcr-Bcrnoulli conditions (thc lattcr two Swiss
mathcmaticianswcrcpasscdoasRussians,asthcy
had spcnt manyycars in Russia in thc ! 8th ccn-
tury), and so it wcnt on, until pcoplc must havc
wondcrcd whcthcr Chcbyshcv and Lobachcvsky
wcrc gcnuinc or fabricatcd, for thc propaganda
hacks ncvcrthink that far.
Omca is a Swiss watch company, wcll known
throughoutEuropc.
"You know whoinvcntcd thcwristwatch!"
"Who!"
"EugcncOmcginl "
1h8 Ll8Hl8Sl 0 nV8nl0lS
ExpIaincd thc guidc in a Russian tcchnicaI
muscum.
"Ovcr hcrc, comradcs, you scc a statuc of thc
ratVasiIVasiIycvichVasiIovwhoinvcntcdthcct
pIanc, and ovcr thcrc, you sccthc Sl8l06 Dl H
grcat osif Vissaronovich StaIin who invcntcd
VasiI VasiIycvich VasiIov. . .
L0mlH08 A0Hm
WhydocsAdam quaIify forSovictcitizcnship!
Likc a Sovict citizcn, hc had no cIothcs to put
on, and Iikc a Sovict citizcn, hc cIaimcd to bc in
paradisc.
"JhcOrna|says"Hchada barcbOllOm,"whchnLzcch,
Hunaran, and pOssbIy Olhcr Ianuacs mcans "Hc was as
pOOr as a church mOusc."
Vl8S88080
Thc Gardcn ofEdcn.
Evc is ncrvous, bccausc shc has thc fcclingthat
somcbody iswatching hcr.
"Ridiculous, "saysAdam."Youknowwcarcthc
rstpcoplcon carth."
SuddcnlyEvccxclaims. "Thcrchcis, ! saw him!
!n that bushovcr thcrc! "
Adam gocs to thc bush aDC DeDCs DaCk
brachcs. Surc cnough, bchind thc bush stands a
bcardcd old manina fur cap.
"Who arc you!" asksAdam, abbcrgastcd. "Arc
wc not thc only pcoplc on carth!"
")cl," says thc old man. "! am !van !vanovich
!vanov, foundcr ofthc human racc! "
10W8l0g 00V8 Llh8lS
"ThcrcisadwarfwhoIivcsonthc25thoorofa
Ncw York skyscrapcr. Evcry day hc takcs thc
c|cvatortothc0thoorandwaIksupthcstaircasc
forthcrcmaininghvc oors. Doyou knowwhy!"
"BccauschcistoosmaIItorcachabovcthc20th
oor button."
"Right! NowthcrcisanothcrdwarfwhoIivcson
tDu 4tD OOt O D oscow skscrapcr, and hc
aIways takcs thc cIcvator aIIthc way. ou now
h"
"Why!"
"BccauscSovictdwarfs arcthc taIIcst dwarfs in
thc worId! "
6
5
lHl8lnHl bu0ll
On Warsaw Pact mancuvcrs, a Sovict and a
Czcch so|dicr arc scnt out on patro| into a forcst.
OnatouristtraiIthcyfind a purscfu||ofcash.
"Wcwi||sharcit|ikcbrothcrs,"sasthcRussa
"Oh, no, wc won't! " obccts thc Czcch. "This
timc, wc'|| sp|itit fifty-fifty. "
P0 Ll8hHnl k8 H b0V8l Ll8phHn
ThcSwissannounccdacontcstforthcbcstwork
onc|cphants.
Thc British submittcd a vo|umc 7he L/ephanl
and lhe Brilish Lmpire.
ThcFrcnchsubmitcdabookca||cdL'c/ephanl el
l'amour.
Thc Gcrmans scnt in 57 vo|umcs cntit|cd Line
e/emenlare Lin]uhrun in die Grund/aen der
Lehre vom L/e]anlenohr. Anc|cmcntaryintroduc-
tion into thc foundations of thc scicncc of thc
c|cphants car.]
Thc Russians scnt a voIumc 7he 5uperioril} o]
the 5oviet E/ephanl.
Thc Ccch cntry was 7he 5oviel L/ephanl: Our
7eacher and !do/.

HlbS
T. D. LyscnkowasaStalinsupportcd quackwho
dcnounccd gcnctics as a bourgcois pscudo-scicncc,
disputcd thc cxistcncc of chromosomcs, and
claimcd that anybody who opposcd his thcorics
doubtcdthc futurcofCommunism. Hchad noac-
ccptablc cvidcncc for his thcorics, but aIways rc-
fcrrcd toMichurin, ahithcrtolittIcknown Russian
horticltristwhohadallcgcdlyproduccdthcmost
wondcrful hybrid fruit dcfying McndcI's Iaws of
hcrcdity.
"You know whoinvcntcdbarbcdwirc!"
"A Russian, ofcoursc. Butwhich onc!"
"^ . e sseO hwom wth hcdc-
hogs."
8lhHl lul
"Y ouknow how Michurin dicd!"
"How!"
"Hcbrokc his ncckwhcn hc fcll o onc ofhis
strawbcrrics. "
L8n8llc Lngn88lng
ThcrcwasalsoanothcrvcrsionofhowMichurin
dicd.
Hccrosscd hislcgs andcouldnoIongcrurinatc.
bHl8lll8`S bHl8lll8
WithSputnik !,thcRussians|ostthcirinfcriority
comp|cx. Thc nationa|ist mcga|omania in scicncc
stoppcd. But thccracks did not.
Sputnik ! hadbccninorbit for adayor two.
Czcchos|ovakia, itwaswhispcrcd, wou|d|aunch
its own satc||itc. !t wou| not, howcvcr, circ|c thc
carth.
!twou|d circ|c round thcSovict satc||itc.
P0 VlHc8 k8 M0m8
Sputnik !!! carricdadog, Laika, into orbit.
"Tc|cgramfromMoscow. Laikahasgonccrazy! "
"Crazy!"
"Ycs. Withoythatshcwasa||owcdto|cavcthc
USSR! "
HVHy chHSy
Thccxclamationabovcmcans"Hand ovcryour
watch! "andwas thcwarcry ofthcSovictarmyin
V4J. AwatchwasavaluablcposscssionforaRus-
sian, and in V4J, Sovict soldicrs robbcd anybody
ofhiswatch who was unwisccnough to wcar onc.
Atthctimc, thcCzcchsdidnottakcitvcryscrious-
ly in thcir cnthusiasm for thc Russians who had
libcratcd thcm from thc Gcrmans. But whcn thc
Sovicts turncd out to bc ust anothcr sct of op-
prcssors, thcy rcmcmbcrcd it in thcirokcs.
Thc Amcricans launchcd a satclltc tat was to
transmit a timc signal. But thc clcctronics wcnt
Ou, uU !O cc! !Dc UcuUc, !Dc ullcU u
rcgularalarmclockand putinaparrot whowould
announccthc timccvcryminutc on thcminutc.
Evcrything wcnt hnc for half of thc hrst orbit,
thcn thc parrot fcll silcnt. Whcn thc satcllitc was
ovcr thc Unitcd Statcs again, thc Amcricans
radiocd.
"Whatwcntwrong, Polly!"
"Notmy fault! Notmyfault! "answcrcdthcpar-
rot. "As soon as wc cntcrcd Sovict air spacc, thc
Russians swipcd my alarm clock! "
H8ll8VHl
Aftcrthcwar,thcRussianslcarncdtomakcthcir
own watchcs. By VJJ or so thcy wcrc cxporting
thcm to Czcchoslovakia, and cwcllcrs' shop win-
dows borclargcstickcrsSovict Watchcs. "
A crowdofpasscrs-bygathcrsinfrontofsucha
shop and inspccts thc watchcs in thc window. By
thc timc an oId man arrivcs, thc vicw is blockcd.
Lct mc takc a look! "crics thc old man. "Iust
want to scc ifminc isamongthcm! "
L0mul8l L0mHSSl0n
At last, thc hrst Sovict computcr had bccn pro
duccd. Thc cnginccrs did notgct it, nor thcphysi-
cists. First things hrst. It wcnt to thc Institutc of
Marxism-Lcninism
"ls i1 rOssmLB 1o sUiLb sociaLisu iN Swi1zBk-
LaNb!" askcd onc of its thcologists, typing at thc
kcyboard.
" YBs, i1 is," printcd thc computcr. "BU1 i1
woULb sB a ri1Y 1o bBs1koY sUcH a sBaU1HUI
coUN1kY. "
Ll0ly l0 1h88, Hlh8llHn0
Skip thisoncifyou havc ncvcrhcard thcSovict
nationa|anthcm p|aycd by a Russian an.
Adrunkwa|ksthroughaPragucstrcctstrikinga
pairofbigcymba|s againstcach othcr, bash, bash,
bash, bash, atcvcrystcp.
A po|iccman rushcs to thcsccnc.
"Youarcundcrarrcstfordisturbingthcpcaccof
thc night ! "
"Shut up,"says thcdrunk. "And standat attcn-
tion whcn you hcar thc nationa| anthcm of thc
LSSR! "
H8ul80
ASovict guidctakcsanAmcricanvisitorthrough
thc Moscow subway.
"Onthistrack,"shccxp|ains, "atrainrunscvcry
thrcc minutcs, and on that track, thcrc is a train
cvcryminutc."
"Butwc'vcbccstandinghcrcfortwcntyminutcs
now," says thcAmcrican, "andthcrchasn'tbccna
train on cithcr track."
"Ycs,butyouinAmcrica, youbcatthcncgrocs! "
1h8S8 1nluly l8nch
ARussianisscnttothcSovictEmbassyinParis.
Soon aftcr arrival, hc phoncs thc Frcnch Forcign
Omcc.
"! would likc togoto Marscillcs. "
"So!"
"1 would likca pcrmit togothcrc. "
"You don't nccd apcrmit. Justgo."
"But I would likc togobycar."
"Thcngo bycar. "
"But how about gasolinc! ! havc no ration
coupons."
"Youdon'tnccdany. Anygasstationwillscllit
to you. "
LUUU LO0,` uttcrs thc Russan. "What
anarchy. . . "
Vl00
Back in Moscow, this Russiangivcsa lccturcon
lifc in thcWcst.
"Thc povcrty, comradcs! Thc povcrty is simply
unimaginablc for a Sovict citizcn. Thc shops in
Paris arc full of thc most oncrful goods, but
onlyvcryfcwpcoplccanaordtobuythcm. Thcrc
is not a singlcucucto bcsccn anwhcrc. . .
1h8 blHluS b88k8l
AwclI drcsscd youngman sits bythcroadinthc
Ukranian countrysidc. An oId pcasant walks by.
"Hcllo, grandfathcr. Howarcyou doing!"
"Can't complain, young man, thank you. Just
bccn to town totradc inmyPob)eda for a biggcr
car, and arrangcd for a swimming pooltobcbuilt
in our gardcn. Now ! am on my way to hcIp my
daughtcr movc hcr grand piano from hcr living
roominto thcsaIon."
"HeD
Y
!
Y word wc don't livcthatwcII. . . "
"Why, whcrc arc you from!"
"From Moscow. Hcrc on vacation."
"ThcngctIost. ! thoughtyouwcrcanAmcrican
corrcspondcnt. . . "
1h8 L8nll8 Al0Hch
A Russian soldicr complains to anothcr that hc
has no luck withthcCzcchgirls.
"What's your tcchniquc!" sks his fricnd.
"! |ust shout O/HS! |ic down , but thcy run
awayas soon as ! sayit . . .
"No wondcr. You will ncvcr makc it with thcm
that way. You makc convcrsation rst. About art
and |itcraturc. Only thcn do you comc round to
scxua|mattcrs. "
Onhis ncxt datc, thcRussian asks.
"Do you rcadPushkin!"
O008!OH8|y. `
"Wcll, thcn, O/HIS!
An0 Qul8l l0WS lh8 0n
ACzcchpcasantvisitsPragucforthcrsttimcin
many ycars. Hctakcs a bus andgrows cvcr morc
rcstlcss as thc conductor announccs thc stops
Karl Marx Squarc, Stalin Avcnuc, Marshal Koncv
Strcct, Avcnuc of thc Sovict Army, Lcnin Em-
bankmcnt . . .
WhcnthcbuscrosscsthcSta|inBridgc, hcumps
out andtrics to climb ovcr thc battlcmcnt, but is
hcld back by passcrs-by.
"Lctmcgo! "hcshouts. "!wanttodrownmysc|f
in thcVolga! "
nc0ml8h8nSbl8
A Russian takcs awalk throughPragucwithhis
guidc.
"What is that7" hc asks his guidc pointingto a
marvcl of Wcstcrn tcchnology a sct of tramc
signals.
"Yousccallthcsccarsgoingthroughthcintcrscc-
tion7" cxplains thc guidc. "That is bccausc thcir
lightisgrccn. !nthcstrcctthatgocsacross,thccars
arcwaiting, bccausc thc light is rcd. Now ina fcw
sccondsthcgrccnlightwillgoambcrand thcnrcd,
and thc cars hcrc will stop. At thc samc timc, thc
othcr light will go grccn and thc cross-tramc will
8tart O:n_."
"God havc mcrcy," mumblcs thc stupchcd
Russian, "what chaos. . . "
1nhnkHbl8
TwoRussianpcasants,inavi||agcncarMoscow,
chatovcra glass ofvodka.
"Thcysay Paris lics anothcrZ,U mi|cs bcyond
Moscow. . . "
"You don't say. . . Two thousand mi|cs= . = My
God, but what a dump that must bc. . .
LX 08hnl0n8
Thcpartypropagandist dclivcrcd alccturctothc
asscmblcd cmployccs of a Sovict collcctivc farm.
On thc bright horizons ofCommunism, thc class
lcsssocictyofwhichMarxhaddrcamtandofwhich
thc Sovicts arc still drcaming, aUtopia in which
thcrc is no statc, and thcrc is abundancc forall.
Ncxt day, two pcasants discuss thclccturc.
"! didn't undcrstand what hc mcant by thcsc
bright horizons' allthctimc, didyou!"
"Wcll, youknowwhatbrighl is, dontyou!"
"Surc! know. Butwhatdocs horizon mcan!
"Thathadmcpuzzlcd,too. But! lookcditupin
thc dictionary. "
"And whatdiditsay!"
"A Hct:t:cus !:ne ee and Jkj vD:CD
rcccdcs into thc distancc as thc obscrvcr ap
proachcs."
10 LHch Acc0l0ng l0 MS P880S
!n thc 2! st ccntury, thc Russians had at last
achicvcd Communism.
A child rcads anhistoricalnovcl.
"Mummy, what docs qu8u8 ]or emcan!
"Wcll, dcar, a qu8u8 is an cxprcssion from thc
bad old timcs. !t mcans a long linc of pcoplc
waiting tobuygoods."
"Ycs, mummy, said thc child. "But what docs
e mcan!"
@oors
M
@owcn
7he /riendship belween lhe Czechos/ovck
0HO 7jh0H ]8O]8 IS 0S OO 0S lh8 08S . . .
lrcsdcnt NOvOln],
wcIcOmngadcIcgatOnIrOmAIghanlan
8m0clHcy
Antonn Novotn was Prcsidcnt of Czccho-
sIovakia from VJ to Fcbruary Vb (whcn his
rcsignation ushcrcd in thc short-Iivcd "Praguc
Spring," cxtinguishcd in August by Sovict tanks) .
Hc had riscn from a minor Party hack to First
Sccrctary of thc Communist Party by his ruthIcss
pcrsccution of "spics, " "conspirators, " and
"cosmopoIitans" (Jcws) in thc ycars of thc StaIin
tcrror. Hc was as narrow-mindcd, trcachcrous,
ruthIcss, primitivc, dogmatic, antiscmitic,andbor
ing as thc othcr mcmbcrs of thc brccd of burcau-
cratsthatinCommunismrisctothctopbythcLaw
of Ncgativc ScIcction. Bcyond that hc had onI
twofcaturcsthatdistinguishcdhimromthcrcstof
this crowd. HccouId not spcak his own Ianguagc
propcrIy (a charactcristic that hc sharcd with
UIbrichtandKhrushchcv),andhcwassoincompc
tcntinanythingbutintrigucsandinhghtingthathis
poIicics ruincd thc Czcch cconomy within a fcw
ycars.
Within hoursofhis"cIcction"(bya frauduIcntIy
cIcctcdparIiamcnt)tothcprcsidcncy, thcfoIIowing
was whispcrcd from car tocar.
"Now it is provcn bcyond doubt that wc arc a
dcmocracy. !n CzcchosIovakia, truIy 0H)DOO) can
bc prcsidcnt . . . "
bu 1hHl`S lh8 1Nck
Itcr ovotny bocuno gosdont, a stag
his picturc, shownabovc, was ssucd.
Bccausc its issuc was dcIayc, gocs this story,
Novotngrcwimpaticntandcallcdthcdircctorof
thcpostalprcss onthccarpct.
"Wchavcthcstamprcady, ComradcPrcsidcnt,
says thc dircctor, "but wc arc having tcchnical
dimcultics with thc adhcsivc. Thc stamp wont
stick."
"Nonscnscl " shouts Novotn, takcs onc of hc
stamps,spitsonit,putsitonancnvclopcandbangs
it downwith his hst. !tsticks pcrfcctIy.
"Oh ! scc,"saysthcdircctor. "You spit on lh0l
sidc ofthc stamp. . . "
gn0lHnc8gn0l80
Likc most mcmbcrs of thc Communist Party
burcaucracy("aparatchiks"), Novotnwasaprimi
tivc, ignorant man. Hc had dimcultics with thc
longcr Czcch words, and was quitc thrown o
baIanccbyforcign words, whichhcmispronounccd
and did not undcrstand.
Novotn wantcd to takc his wifc to thc annual
ball of thc Acadcmy of Scicnccs, but his adviscrs
trid to dissuadc him.
"Thcyarcanastylot.Thcywillpointcdlyignorc
youl "
ThcNovotns wcnt all thc samc.
Ncxt day, hcbawlcd outhis adviscrs.
"!gnorc mc, my footl Nobodytook thcslightcst
noticc ofus! "
10ll8lll8S
Atthcsamcball, Mrs. Novotnrcmarkcdonthc
bcautiful complcxion of somc of thc ladics.
Novotn sct hisspics to work.
"Findouthowthcydo it. "
Thcy rcport back in a fcw minutcs.
"Thcyusccau dc lot/cllc, ComradcPrcsidcnt."
"Ohdc-what!"
"Toilctwatcr, ComradcPrcsidcnt."
Whcnhccomcshomcncxtcvcning, hiswifchas
a big bump on hcr hcad.
"What happcncd to you?" hc asks.
"!tricd this thingwith thctoilctwatcr,"saysthc
First Lady. "But thcscat fcllon my hcad. "
b8flly
A mccting ofComccon inMoscow.
Waltcr Ulbricht arrivcs hrst and pulls his chair
outfrom undcr thctablc. A thumbtack, pointup,
licson thcchair. Hchcsitatcs for a momcnt, thcn
clcnchcs his tccth likc a tough Gcrman, and sits
down on it.
Poland'sGomulkaalsohndsathumbtackonhis
chair, not to bc outdonc by thc East Gcrman
Gaulcitcr, hcsits down on it, too.
ThcnNovotnpullsouthischair
"Plcasc, Comradc Khrushchcv, plcasc! " hc
whincs obscquiously. "Thcy forgot to givc mc my
thta. . .
"
8hnl0nS
Lizard: A crocodilcaftcsclf-criticism.
ee Thc socalst approach to thc rctail
busincss.
08nlly LHl0
St. Pctcrstandsatthcgatcs ofhcavcn, chccking
out ncw arrivals.
"Who arcyou7" hc asks a ncwcomcr.
"udwigvan Bccthovcn. "
"Anybodycan say that. Provc itl "
Bccthovcn borrows a harp from an onlooking
angcl and starts playing.
"Wclcomc, macstro! Walk right inl "
"Whoarcyou7"hcasks thc ncxt arrival.
"Pablo Picasso."
"Anybodycansaythat. Provc itl "
Picassograbsacloudandfashionsitintoadovc.
"eCODe uSter uK rI_ht In
Anothcr arrival.
"And who arcyou7"
"Antonn Novotn.
"Anybodycansaythat.Youwillhavctoprovcit
|ust likc Bccthovcnand Picassodid."
"Bccthovcn7 Picasso7 Whoarcthcy7"
"Wclcomc, Mr. Prcsidcnt! Walk right il "
0W%HlkS
Thc cntirc work forcc ofthc Communist coun-
tricsis subcctcd topcriodicpurgcs(callcd verqcc-
ltons in Ncwspcak). Onc of thc most scvcrc took
placc in VJ whcn Novotn, ratlcd by thc Hun-
garian Rcvolution thc ycar bcforc, tricd hard to
wccdout"radishcs"(rcdoutsidc,whitcinsidc) from
all but insignihcant positions. Any onc of thc
following would oftcn rcsult in thc loss of onc's
ob. Bourgcois orJcwish familybackground, rcla
tvcs broad, contacts with formcrcapitalists, hav-
ing livcd in a Wcstcrn country, insucicnt
knowlcdgc ofCommunist litcraturc, and othcrs.
A man is intcrvicwcd by a "Vcrihcation Com-
Dttcc.
"Whatkind offamily do youcomcfrom!"
"A rich, Jcwish family. "
"And yourwifc!"
"A Gcrman aristocrat. "
"Havc you cvcr bccntothcWcst!"
"!spcntmost ofmylifcinEngland."
"Howdidyoumakc a living thcrc!"
"A fricndsupportcdmc."
"Whcrc didhcgctthcmoncy from!"
"Hcowncd atcxtilcfactory."
"Who was Lcnin!"
"Ncvcrhcardofhim."
"What isyournamc!"
"KarlMarx. "
1hHl`S m 8l8nl
Atanothcrintcrvicw,thcmanundcrscrutinywas
hrcdas bcingofbourgcois origin. His fathcrwas a
formcr factory owncr.
"But comradcs," hc protcstcd, "my fathcr has a
much morcscnsitivcposition - hcisahighomcial
inthc Ministr ofDcfcnsc! "
"Ycs,wcknow,butthat'salIright. Ie i sofpro-
lctarian origin! "
Alm0Sl %H08 l
Anothcr intcrvicw wcnt likcthis
"Whatwas our fathcr's OCCuOaIon?"
"! donrightynow. . . Hcuscdtominglcwith
thc crowds in markct pIaccs and at socccr gamcs,
and hc would comc homc |oadcd with moncy. . . "
"In othcr words, a pick-pockct. And your
mothcr!"
"I don't rightly know. . . Shc uscd to lcavc at
night and comc back in thc morning loadcd with
moncy. . . "
"In othcr words, a prostitutc. Anybody clsc in
thc family!"
"Thcrcwasan unclc. Hcuscdtogofromdoorto
door sclling combs and brushcs. . . "
"A Cll-DOUCO8 DU8C88 OU OO, you
could havc bccn a hrst class cadrc, but your unclc
spoilcd it all foryou! "
Hllh Hn0 lcll0n
At anothcr hcaring, a Party mcmbcr is chcwcd
outforgoing to churchcvcrySunday.
"You, a Communist, arcnotashamcdoflistcn-
ing to thosc fairy storics! Aftcr thc Party has
abolishcd cxploitation, indstrializcd thc country,
dcvclopcd agriculturc, raiscd thc living standard,
madc thc countrybloom. . . "
"Waitaminutc,"intcrruptsthc bclicvcr, "whois
it that istcllingthc fairy storics!"
lShul1hlnklng
Anothcr Party mcmbcr is rcprimandcd for not
bcing prcscnt at thc |ast Party mccting of his
organization.
"But nobody told mc! !f only ! had known it
wouldbcthclast, ! wouldn'thavcmisscditforthc
world! "*
Jhs s a 5Ovct stOry. Ldsl has thcsamctwO mcanns n
Kussan as n EnIsh, butnOt inCzcch Or nGcrman. Thcrc
arcmanyant-COmmunststOrcsbascdOnpuns, bulthssOnc
OIthc Icw that wll translatc ntO lnltsh.
L00llHbH00
Thc pcnalty for stcaling National Propcrty"
(company, i . c. , govcrnmcnt, propcrty) is in all
Communist countrics much highcr than for thcft
fromanindividual owncr, thcformcr is, ofcoursc,
much morcwidcsprcad.
Armcd sccurity guards arc postcd at thc cn-
tranccs to all largcr factorics and morc important
omccs. Part ofthcir|ob is to prcvcntthcftofna-
tionalpropcrty"byinspcctingcmployccs'bricfcascs
as thcy lcavc thcgatcs.
Aworkcrlcavingafactorywantstopassthrough
thc gatc with a whcclbarrow full of sawdust. Thc
guardfcclsthroughthcsawdust,butfindsnothin.
L. 100 08H 0.

Ncxt day thc workcr is thcrc again with thc

sawdust. This timcthcguard makcs him spill iton
thcfloorandgocsthroughitwitharakc, butfinds
nothing.
This gocs on for two wccks, and thc guard is
growingsickwithfrustration. Buthcisdctcrmincd
to gct to thc bottom of this. So hc invitcs thc
workcr for a drink and kccpshlling itup untilthc
workcr's tonguc looscns up.
!t'slikcthis,"saysthcdrunkworkcr. ! nccdcd
tomakc a rabbit pcnsowccouldhavcmorcmcat.
nd yu know how dimcu|t it is to gct wood. So
madcitoutofthcfourtccn whcclbarrows. . . "
1h8 Hch8Sl Luunlly n lh8 ull0
isthcUSSRForhalfaccnturycvcrybodyhasbccn
stcalingfromthcStatc, andstillthcrcissomcthing
lcftto stcal.
1h8 b8cl8l
Novotn disguiscs himscIf as a workcr and in-
cognito inspccts a factory.
"What do you think ofPrcsidcnt Novotn!" hc
asks aworkcr.
"Mcctmcaftcrthcshift,andIwilltcllyou,"says
thc workcr out ofthc corncr ofhis mouth.
Aftcrwork, Novotnwaitsforhim. Thcworkcr
looks roundtomakcsurchcisnotovcrhcard, and
thcn vhispcrs in his cur.
"You know what! I likcthcguy."
%Hk8 l HSl
Novotn is on an inspcction tour of collcctivc
farms. !n onc villagc, hc sccs a man by thc
haystack, hcis cating thchay.
Novotn tclls thcdrivcrtostop.
"And what might you bc doing!"
"!amaformcrlandowncr,yourcxccllcncy,"says
thc man, wccping. "Thcy took my land away. . .
! havc nothing to cat . . . ! am rcduccd to cating
hay. . . "
"Thcn go onto thc grccn grass! And quickIyl
Whatwillyou catinthcwintcr!"
M008n H8S8f8S
A collcctivc farm laborcr is rcaping thc whcat,
mowing it with a scythc. ThcDistrict Party Sccrc
tary arrivcs in his lxury car and walks up to him.
"Look, comradc, ifyou sharpcn thc far sidcof
thc bladc, yourscythc willcutboththis way and
thatway. Youwill doublcyourproductivity."
Ncxt day hcrcturns. Thclaborcrhassharpcncd
bothsidcs ofhis scythcand is cutting this way and
that way.
"ood,"says thcstric Sccrctary. ow you
will put on a pair oficc skatcs on your boots and
stampyourfcctasyougoforward,youwillbcablc
to plough thc land right aftcr you cut thc whcat.
You will quadruplc your productivity. "
Ncxtdayhcisthcrcagain. Thclaborcriscutting
this way and that way, stamping his skatcs at thc
samctimc. ButwhcnhcsccsthcDistrictSccrctary's
carapproaching, hcruns away on his skatcs.
"What'sthcmattcr,comradc!"asksthcsccrctary
whcn hc has caught up with him. "1 havc comcto
bring you thc Ordcr of Hcro of Socialist Agri-
culturc for quadrupling your productivity. "
"Boy, am glad, says thc laborcr wih rclic.
"1 thought you wcrc going to suspcnd a lantcrn
frommy pcnis so 1 could work nights as wclll "
88
MuSllly
Thc hcad|incs of thc ncwspapcrs in thc Com
munist countricsdonot bringthcIatcstncws thcy
run |ikc this. BkiNC iN 1HB HakvBs1 wt1HoU1
LosiNC a siNCLB CkAiN| or Do No1 bBLaY sowiNC
1HB wiN1Bk wHBa1| (A||Communistcountrics,in-
cidcnta||y, wcrc food cxportcrs bcforc thc Com
munists took ovcr.)
Thc four arch-cncmics ofsocia|istagricuIturc.
Spring, summcr, fa||, and wintcr.
lSl A0
A PartySccrctarydrivcsamotorcycIctoinspcct
thc cOcct:vc tatDJ :n D:5 U:5tt:Cl. C c !Dc W
out, hc wcars his coat front to back, buttoncd up
on thc back.
Oncdayhchas a fa||, andanambu|anccis scnt
for. Whcn itarrivcs, hcis dcad.
"c was sti|| a|ivc aftcr thc fa||," rcport thc
pcasants. "But hc dicd whcn wc turncd his hcad
back intothcright dircction. . .
1hl88 S H LluW0
Why do mcmbcrs of thc sccrct po|icc patro| in
thrcs?
Onccanrcad, onccanwritc, andthc third kccps
an cyc on thcsctwo dangcrous ntc||cctua|s.
bymm8lly
Thcdicrcnccbctwccncapitaism andsocialism.
!n capitalism, man is cxploitcd by his fcllow
man, in socialism, it is prcciscly thc othcr way
round.
blHlln`S LWn 0l0S
And again. Thc dicrcncc bctwccn capitalism
and socialism.
hc unUaDcnta OU_cCt Ot Ca
]
:ta:JD :J tO c
tractthcmaximumprohtsbymcrcilcsscxploitation
of thc toiling masscs, thc fundamcntal obcct of
socialism is to attain and cxcccd thc lcvcl of thc
most advanccd capitalistcountrics
Lul 0 MS b8nS8S
A man is scnt to a two wccks' indoctrination
coursc. Whcnhcrcturns, hcgocstoscchisdoctor.
"Doctor, ! am losing thc co-ordination of my
scnscs! Wthmycars, !hcaroncthing,butwithmy
cycs, ! scc quitcanothcr. . .
All8VHl0n
A condcmncd soul arrivcs inhcll.
To his surprisc, thcrc is not onc but two hclls,
onclabclcdCapila/isl 8h, thcothcr5ocia/t:l 8h.
Thcrcis a long qucucwaiting for thc socialisthcll,
but nobodyisat thcdoorsofthccapitalist hcll.
Hcpccpsthroughthc door ofthcsocialisthcll.
A giant machincgrabsthc haplcss souls withiron
clawsandprcsscsthcm down ontorcd-hotcoals.
Horrihcd, hcwalksovcrtothccapitalistcll.To
his dismay, ithas thc samcmachinc inopcration.
"Butthcrcis no dicrcnccl "
"Noncwhatsocvcr," grins thcattcndantdcvil.
"hen hy oVotyUOUy ryIng O gC DO DC
socialist hcll!"
"Bccausc thcy kccp running out of coal, and
whcnthcmachincbrcaksdown, thcystarthunting
forsparcparts. . . "
n 1l0ubl8
Thc Communist countrics sucr from a discasc
popularly callcd s/ocnilis. Thc walls and
billboards arc plastcrcd with slogans likc Iok
FBacB aNb SociaItsul or E1BkNaI IkHNbsHtR
Wt1H THB Sov1 LNtoN! Oncofthcmostfrcqucnt
is
LBakN, LBakN, LBakN! 1. Lenin.
Novotn dclivcrsa spccchtothcstudcnts ofthc
Ccntral School for Party Omcials.
"And as thc immortal Lcnin said, /ecm,
/ecrn . . .
Hc turns round to his adviscrs and whispcrs
"clpmcoutqucklyl hawashthidthin
ComradcLcnin said!"
1lHnSlHl0n
!n onc phasc of thc discasc, thc billboards,
placards, stickcrs and ncon signs scrcamcd
7L !nPolish,thcyscrcamcdPOKOpcacc ,
but thc samc word inCzcch mcans"room. "
A Czcch wcnt for a sightsccing tour to Poland
withhislittlcson. Asthcywalkthroughthcstrccts
ofWarsaw, thc child asks.
"WhatdoallthoscsignsPOKOmcan,daddy!"
"Wcll, ! gucss thcyhavca lot ofroomsforrcnt
hcrc, son."
Aftcrawhilcthcycomctoarailroadcrossing. A
long frcight train is passing through. Thcrc is a
Russian tank on cach truck.
"LOO, dddy says lR KlU. his is thc fur-
niturc togo into all thosc rooms. . . "
A88 l Ll8Hn
Anothcr littlc misundcrstanding. Kck in Rus-
sianmcanswhcl, inGcrman, kccken isthcchild's
word formovingonc'sbowcls.
EastGcrmany. ARussianccppulls up, and thc
drivcrasks inbrokcnGcrman.
"WhcrcTown Sovict!"
"You mcan thc City Council! rivc two blocks
and turn lcft. "
"Kak!" asksthcRussian.
"Jc," saysthcGcrman."Butnotonthcircarpctl "
bup8lmHlk8l
Thc cconomy dctcrioratcd rapidly undcr
Novotn's Mastcrs of Mismanagcmcnt. ucucs
wcrc growing cvcr longcr. Thc mcat shortagc was
particularly conspicuous.
PragucCcntral RaiIroad Station.
"Hi, Joc, whcrcarcyou going!"
"To Rakovnik atown50 milcsfromPraguc] to
gctsomc mcat. "
"Rcally! Do thcy havc mcat thcrc!"
"No, butthat's whcrcthcqucuccnds! "
Al l8ghl
"And whcn wc havc rcachcd communism,"
roarcd thc Party propagandist addrcssing thc
cmployccs ofacollcctivcfarm,"cachofyou,com
radcs, shall havc his own airplanc! "
"Who nccds airplancs!" grumblcs onc of his
listcncrs.
"Why, comradc,1 am surpriscd thatyou should
asksuhaumbqucstion. upposcthcyhavcmcat
in Praguc. ou spccd thcrc inyour own machinc,
and yougrab onc ofthcbcstpIaccsinthcqucuc! "
bgnS 0 lh8 1m8S
Thc signs of shops no longcr bcar thc owncr's
namc, cvcrything bclongs to thc govcrnmcnt, and
thcsignssay1mils and lcgclab/cs or5lalionc ctc.
Hcncc yct anothcrdicrcnccbctwccn capita|ism
and socialism
Bcforc thc Communists took ovcr, it said Josc/
ovck abovcthcshopandthcrcwasmcatinsidcit,
nowitsayscal abovcthcshoandinsidcitthcrc
is but JoscfNovk.
V0lk bh0llHg8
"Y ou know why thcrc isnopork!"
"Why!"
"Bccauscallthcswinchavcbccndclcgatcdtothc
LSS.
88Hl80
APragucgourmctrcstaurantadvcrtiscs"Wcwill
payyou crownsifourchcfisunablctoprcparc
your avoritc dish."
AnAmcricanwalksinand ordcrs clcphant'scar
with onion saucc.
Thcwaitcrrcturnswith a crown bill.
"ID IDC DCS OOICS, SII. DCIC S O a
storcinall ofPragucthat isnot complctclyout of
onions. . .
PyH PyH PyH
Bcr|in, bcforc thc wallwcntup. Two littlc kids
tauntcachothcr.
"Wc havc bananas, and you don't! " snccrs thc
onc from Wcst Bcrlin. "Nya! Nya! Nya! "
"Butwchavc socia|ism, and you don't," rctorts
thcEast Bcrlincr. Nya! Nya! Nya! "
"Butwcarcgcttingthcrc,too! Nya! Nya! Nya! "
"Thcnyouwon'thavcanybananas, cithcr! Nya!
Nya! Nya! "
0l8gn 1lH08
What would happcnifNovotn'splanncrs wcrc
inchargc ofthc Sahara!
Nothin thc first )Car.
Thc sccond ycar, thcy would start importing
sand.
lk8 LV8lyb00yLlS8
Priccs startcd rising rapid|y undcr Prcsidcnt
Novotn's administration of mismanagcrs. !t
bccamc dicult to support a family with on|y a
singlc ob.
"Doyou knowwhyourbclovcdPrcsidcntisalso
FirstSccrctaryofthc Communist Party!"
"Why!"
"Bccauscnowadaysitissodicu|ttomakccnds
mcct on a singlcsalary. . .
VlVHl8 Lnl8llS8
Thc additiona| obs that pcoplc hcld wcrc, of
coursc, unomcial. Evcrybody was moonlighting.
Thc nationalizcd rcpair shops wou|d takc months
to rcpairan automobilc, arcfrigcratororascwing
machinc. But thcir workcrs, for an undcr-thc-
countcr rcward, would hx it in a day or two. Thc
pundits of Marxist cconomics who writc hvc-ycar
plans havccrcatcd a booming privatc industry.
"Do you knowhow wccanachicvccommunism
in six months!"
"How!"
"Entrust it to our working class as a moon|ight
ob! "
Hg8 V0lcy
Aman gocs toancmploymcnt cxchangc togcta
ob. Thc omcial looks through his card hlc.
havc a|obforJ,U crownsamonth. District
Party Sccrctary."
"Not my linc, thank you. Givc mc somcthing
clsc. "
"CadrcOmccrofalargcfactory4, Jcrownsa
month. "
"No, no, nothing likc that. Somcthing simplc,
plcasc. Don't you havcanythingin thc b toV
crown brackct!"
"Wcsurc do. Butinaob likcthat, youhavcto
workl "
Lc0n0mlcS
Thcprinciplc ofa socialist cconomy!
"Simplc," says a workcr. "Thcy prctcnd to pay
us, and wc prctcnd towork. "
Lh8l L0unll8S, Lh8l %0l8S
"How much do you makc!" a Czcch asks an
Amcricantourist.
"$2M 8 W66k.
"Howmuchofthatdoyouspcndforfood, rcnt,
and othcr ncccssitics!"
"About50."
"And what doyoudowiththcrcst!"
"You know, in thc Wcst wcdon't askqucstions
likcthat. And how much doyou makc!"
"20crowns awcck. "
"And how much do you spcnd for food and
othcr ncccssitics!"
"About 50 crowns. "
"Butwhcrcdoyouctthcctra moncy?"
"Y ou know, in thc socialist countrics wc don't
ask qucstions likcthat! "
b0V8l 18chn0l0gy
OncofNovotn'spctpro|cctswasanoilpipclinc
from Moscow to Slovakia, which was bclaborcd
daily on radio, tclcvision, thc ncwspapcrs, and
cvcrywhcrc clsc.
Thc Sovicts scnt a mastcr blucprint ofthc pro-
|cct. !t lookcd Iikc this.
"Fantastic! Earthshaking! Sovict tcchnology! "
crooncdNovotn'sadviscrs. "Buti t i s toocomplcx
for us, wcmustgo to Moscow and lct thcmcn of
gcnius cxplain ittous."
"ThcA stands for Moscow,thcB forBratislava
capitalofSlovakia] , "saythcmcnofgcnius,"and
thc linc oining thcmrcprcscntsthcpipclinc."
"Spcb! Fabulos! " coon thc adviscrs again.
"Butwhat isthcscmicirculararcinthc middlc!"
"Thcoutlincofthcdrasman's fingcrashc hcld
down thc rulcr."
VV
LlHck 0n lh8 V8ln8
Whcn thc pipc|inc was hnishcd, thc okcs wcrc
not |ong in coming.
"Thcy'vc arrcstcd a man fordri||ing a ho|c into
thc pipc|inc! "
"Trying to sabotagcit!"
"No, trying tosccwhichwaythcoi|isowing! "
1h8VlHnn80Lc0n0my
ThcPraguczoohasacquircda|ionfromazooin
Sw Izer1and. e :s t u Cue wt u O wO
an o|d rcsidcnt.
"Myword, you |ook good," saysthcCzcch|ion.
"Whatdidthcyfccd youinSwitzcr|and!"
"Ha|f a shccp for brcakfast, thc othcr ha|f for
|unch, and ha|fa horsc fordinncr," says thcSwiss
|ion. "But you, fricnd, you arca||skinand boncs!
What do thcy fccd!"
"Twohandfu|sofnuts forbrcakfast, onchand-
ful for |unch, and thrcc bananas for dinncr."
"Nuts! Bananas! But that's no dictfora |ion!"
" know it isn't. But am sitting in thc s|ot
anncd ora monkcy, an thcy pcnalzc mcZ0
of my sa|ary bccausc am unablc to swing by my
tail . . . "
I 00
l8Hkng lk8 H8c0l0
Agovcrnmcntdclcgationarrivcsinafactorypro
ducing clcvators, to dclivcr thc Rcd Flag of thc
Ministry of Machincry, awardcd quartcrly to thc
factory that hassurpasscd thcgovcrnmcntplan by
thc highcst pcrccntagc.
"Congratulations, comradcs, for winning thc
Rcd Flag. What is it you producc in this dcpart-
mcnt!"
"Stcclcablcs. Butwchavcfulhllcdthcplanonly
to 0 . "
"Thcnwcarcinthcwrongdcpartmcnt,"andthcy
movc on
c nc camcn

CC CCCtIC OtOI.
At 30% of planncd production. Thc dcpartmcnt
producingclcvatorcabinsworksat ! 5% ofplanncd
production. And so it gocs on, until at last thcy
sccm to havc found thc right dcpartmcnt.
"Wc arc continuously ovcrfullling thc plan at
60%, for thc grcatcr glory of our bclovcd party
andgovcrnmcnt! "shoutsthc forcman proudlyovcr
thc din ofthcworkshop whcrccvcrybody isbusily
working away.
"Congratulations, comradcsl Wcarc honorcdto
prcscnt thc Rcd Flag Award! What is it you pro-
ducc hcrc!
"SignsrcadingLIEVATOR LUT LF LRDER
I CI
L80p0llcS
!ndcspcrationaboutthchousingandfoodshort-
agc, Novotn consuIts a gypsy fortunctcIIcr.
"What shaII ! do to rcIicvc thc ovcrcrowding!"
"Opcn thcfronticrs to thcWcst ! "
"Andt orcIicvcthc food shortagc!"
"CIoscthcm to thcEast! "
VluS

H chHng84 4 4
Brchncv invitcs his mothcr, who has ncvcr Icft
hcr nativcviIIagcbcforc, foravisittothcKrcmIin.
Hc shows hcrhisstudy, his ! 2-roomapartmcnt,
his coIIcction of gcms, thc CadiIIac givcn him by
Nixon, hishvcothcrautomobiIcs, hisdachainthc
country, hccaIIsoutthcguarinhcrhonor - but
shcdocsnot sccmto bcimprcsscd.
Hctakcs hcr to his hunting Iodgcinhis privatc
pIanc, but shc onIygrows morc ncrvous.
"What's thc mattcr, mothcr!" hc hnaIIy asks.
"Arcn'tyou proud ofmc!"
"Ofcoursc ! am, son," shcsays. "!t's|ustthat !
can't hcIp thinking. . . What if thc Rcds comc
back!"
hcardlhs]OkcaIlcrl IcIlLZcchOslOvaka, butlhOuhtt
wOrth ncIudn n lhs cOIIcctOn.
YS0nS
! hcard thc following thrcc okcs on scparatc
occasions, at a timc whcn VbU was still somc ZU
ycars away.
Praguc, VbU.
Czcchoslovakiahasbccnlibcratcd. A thanksgiv-
ingscrviccis hcldinthccathcdral. Thcarchbishop
prcachcsthc scrmon.
"Fricnds and bclicvcrsl This is thc timc to givc
ourhcartfclt thanks toour Lord and Savior. . . "
Thccongrcgationumpstoits fcctand chants in
unison, clapping thcir hands to cach w
"Longl Livcl Jcsusl Christl Longl Livcl Jcsusl
Christl Long . . . "
aguc, Y.
Czcchoslovakia has bccn libcratcd. An cxilcd
politician rcturns and addrcsscs thc pcoplc.
"My fricnds and fcllow Czcchoslovaksl " hc
bcgins, spcaking Czcch with a thick Amcrican
acccnt.
Says onc Czcch to anothcr. "5Iushct, 1etk, kck
on Iokho ovortl o-cheshskt . ." *
Praguc, VbU.
"Things wcrc bcttcr undcr thc Russians, don't
youthink!"saysoncCzcchtoanothcrinMaoTsc
Tung Avcnuc.
Kussan IOr "Lstcn, JOc, hOw badIy hc spcaks Lzcch."
10ulSlS, b8 WHln80
An Amcrican tourist ocs to Ccchoslovakia, is
killcd in a car crash, and ocs to hcavcn. But hc
soon tircs of playin thc harp and hcarin thc
ancls sin, so hc asks 5t. Fctcr for a transfcr to
hcll. Hcfindsitnotvcrycomfortablc, butmorcto
DIs DOVeDtDtODs tustes.
But his contcntmcntis shortlivcd. 5t. Fctcrtclc
phoncs that hc was killcd throuh an crror ofthc
hcavcnly burcaucracy, and hc must rcturn to
Ccchoslovakia.
Hc rctrns, falls in lovc with a Ccch irl, mar-
rics, dccidcs to stay, and dics20 ycars latcr. Aain,
hc asks 5t. Fctcrfora transfcr. But this timc hc is
lcd to thc torturc chambcrs and finds that hcll is
hcll. Hcphoncs5t.Fctcrtocomplainhowthcplacc
has chancd.
"t has not chancd," 5t. Fctcr informs him.
Whcn yo wcrcthcrclast timc, youwcrcthcrcon
a torist visa "
FclrBcckmdnn
was bOrn n lrauc, CzcchOs|Ovaka, n l Z4, whcrc hc a|sO
Obtancd hs lh. O and Or. 5c. dcrccs n l|cctrca| lnnccr-
n. Hc wOrkcd IOr a rcscarch nsttutc b Cb
PC80mOC0HC0 8H0C8m0Hl0H8lOH8llknOwn nthc
Ic|d OI prObab|ty thcOry appIcd tO c|cctrOmanctc wavc
prOpaatOn. ln I 3 hcwas nvtcd tOthcLnvcrstyOICO|O-
radOas a Vstn lrOIcssOr, rcIuscd tOrcturn bchnd thc lrOn
Curtanand staycd On as lrOIcssOr OIl|cctrca| lnnccrn.
lrOIcssOr Bcckmann has authOrcd mOrc than 0 sccntIc
papcrs and l3 bOOks, mOst|y On cIcctrOmanctcs and prOb-
ab|ty thcOry, but n thc car|y l70's hc bccamc strOn|y n-
tcrcstcdncncryandnthcdcIcnscOIsccncc,whchhasOItcn
bccOmcthctarct OIthcthcnO-rOwth,ant-tcchnO|OymOvc-
mcnt. Hc nOw pub|shcs thc mOnth|y cccss !o !ncr} (scc
advcrtscmcnts On IO||Own pacs].
lrOI. Bcckmannsa lc||OwOIthc lnsttutcOIL|cctrca|and
L|cctrOncs Lnnccrs, a mcmbcr OIscvcra|Othcr prOIcssOnaI
sOccIcs, and a mcmbcr OIthc cdtOra| Or advsOry bOard OI
scvcra| Ircc markctOurna|s and OranzatOns. Hcs|stcd n
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hho in mcricd.
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