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Help Incorporated

A Play in Three Acts By Charles McWittig Copyright 2005 Act One Scene One (Three business offices, artificially lit, no view. There is a gap between the second and third offices. There is also a door SR. The office SR is an unholy mess, with papers strewn about the desk, a computer, crumpled paper, several coffee cups, a briefcase, which is stuffed full, a coat thrown over the briefcase on an ergonomic office chair, file folders, books and accordion folders everywhere. No one is inside. The office SL is a model of neatness. A secretarys desk sits in the gap between offices two and three, with a computer, family photographs and a cardigan sweater draped over a chair. The center office lacks furnishings of any kind. Three men stand within its confines and listen attentively. They are Mel, Norwin and Oliver. All three are in their late forties or early fifties, and savvy businessmen. Norwin is British. A booming, authoritative voice comes from offstage. Occasionally the three look up and around, trying to discern where it is coming from.) McMillion (V.O.) Is everybody in? David? Norwin Its Norwin, sir. Greetings. McMillion (V.O.) Norwin, of course. Mel? Mel

Yes, sir. McMillion (V.O.) Ollie? (Oliver nods). I take it then that the man whose name is first on the letterhead Curtis, Israel & Abramson is not with us this morning? Its too early to be delivering celebratory cookies to the troops, so where could he be? Oliver No, Im here here! (He raises his hand.) McMillion Here at McMillion Enterprises we have charted employee productivity trends. In general we are pleased with the increase in what we like to call the conformity factor. You will recall we were written up in the Wall Street Journal for our seminal corporate terminology. Oliver They referred to McMillion as Team Doublespeak. Norwin We were the first conglomerate to require a subcutaneous microchip as a condition of employment among our executives. Oliver I believe the article said our employees needed a secret decoder ring to decipher the language required to work at McMillion. McMillion (V.O.)

Now, now, it couldnt have been that negative, could it? In any event, at last years annual meeting, I announced the pilot program of a Designated Interruption Entertainer to Productivity Concepts. To oversimplify for the purpose of saving time, Mel, this is essentially an employee we will hire and pay to do minimal work on phantom accounts. His real purpose is to attract habitual time wasters into his office and to report back to management on who they are and what they are up to. The purpose would be to identify, isolate and purge the time wasters, thus boosting productivity in the aggregate. In short, PC loved the idea, and I am proud to announce that today you are standing inside the cell of our prototype Designated Interruption Entertainer. (Mel, Norwin & Oliver applaud mildly). Mel? Mel Appropriately enough, you told me that this firm would incubate the Designated Interruption Entertainer while I was playing football with little paper triangles, with Dick Northwoods, at about ten thirty a.m. on a work day. Norwin Unfortunate, what happened to Dick. Mel It had to be done. Time wasters are simply not tolerated at Curtis Israel & Abramson. Oliver Wait I thought, officially, he resigned. Mel No, not exactly.

Oliver But there was a resignation letter posted as an attachment to a companywide e-mail thirty thousand people saw it. (quoting from an imaginary piece of paper) I will not soon forget the good times and Mel (finishing for him) sound business theology I practiced every day of my life at McMillion Oliver (taking back over) I regret that it has to end with an unfortunate personal tragedy, the death of my wife. Of course, she wasnt his wife at all at the time she croaked. Mel Typically, Dick did not tell you the whole story. She divorced him in 2001. Ugly mess, that was. Oliver Ah yes, say no more. Mel I fired him. How he was hired by this firm remains a mystery. We contested his unemployment claim and enforced the noncompete agreement. Corporate Security drafted the resignation letter as a sort of template to use in such a contingency. Oliver

But Dick signed it. Mel Of course he did. (Mel laughs). The agreement prevents him from working for any direct competitor in any capacity for seven years. Oliver Is that enforceable? Mel A plurality of appellate judges says it is. Oliver If he was fired for being useless, why wouldnt you want him working somewhere else? Mel Just not for a direct competitor. Oliver But were a multinational conglomerate. We sell everything from paper clips to suitcase nukes to diaper cleaning contracts. Mel Danny should have thought of that before he signed the noncompete, without which we would not have hired him. Oliver Good point.

Norwin Yes! McMillion (V.O.) Yes, of course. Simple case study of business Darwinism. Mel Yes, yes . . . not to get too far afield the Designated Interruption Entertainer will sit in this office and attract others to come to him? Norwin How will he do that? McMillion (V.O.) By sheer force of his personality. Mild entrapment techniques. Our research indicated that an attractive nuisance can be a hazard to others simply by being there. Mel Our Designated Interruption Entertainer has charismatic attributes. Charisma oozes out of every pore, you might say. Norwin One might express a concern here regarding enforcement. Mel Enforcement? Norwin

How do you plan on enforcing the productivity guidelines? Does our Designated Interruption Entertainer come with a reporting requirement? Mel Yes, although weve found that entrusting what is essentially a rank and file employee with a managerial function is well, stupid. Therefore, the D.I.E. will function as a normal employee, but he will report to us on a weekly basis, and his office will be monitored with a camera. Oliver Where is it? Mel It is embedded in the wall there. (Points at L. wall) Oliver What if he covers it over with a diploma or something just as useless? Mel We have found in testing this concept that the Designated Interruption Entertainer should not be aware he is being monitored. So we installed it in the wall. As an aside, we at Productivity Concepts have been keeping this office vacant and testing a number of cameras. We even developed a prototype spy cam. I.T. is considering a spin-off. Oliver Wow!

Norwin (Edging away from Oliver) Where on earth did we find a charismatic entry-level employee? McMillion (V.O.) What? Norwin One who is willing to do entry level work? Listen, it is no great secret that McMillion holds its entry level lawyers in lower regard than it does the typists. Oliver The lowest, in fact, in the company. Mel A fact you make clear, Oliver, when you reward them with cookies every Friday. My interviews yielded a number of good candidates. (Workmen start bringing in a desk, office chair, comfortable chair, bookshelf, telephone and computer, and begin to hook everything up during the ensuing conversation. The office gets cramped, and the workmen jostle the three men until they move the conversation out into the hall.) For the D.I.E. job, that is recent graduates with a couple of years experience with marginal firms, jaded losers, drunks, the usual menopausal and post-menopausal women. Oliver Ack, not another one.

McMillion (V.O.) Oliver is right. We do not wish to solidify the reputation as the company where women are finally put out to pasture. The last thing we needed was another old bag. Norwin Would it not be possible to electronically monitor lags in employee productivity instead, somehow? Mel Telephone usage is strictly monitored as you are well aware. However, since we sometimes have to write letters on behalf of members, it leads to inaccurate counts, since some employees claimed to be doing actual legitimate work on those occasions when they were not on the phone. Oliver And there is that damn self-reporting requirement. Some employees close a file a number of times to appear more productive. Mel Yes, there is that, too. (Oliver is jostled by a chair being carried by one of the workmen.) Oliver Watch it, dumbass! Were on the phone with the president and CEO. (The workman slips away and raises his middle finger after Oliver turns his back.) We should go . . .

Norwin Do you think, sir, that McMillion is pushing things a bit? I mean, this division is being investigated already. Would a corporate spy in essence bring more unwanted outside attention to Help Incorporated? McMillion (V.O.) I should think something completely internal such as this prototype employee will remain internal and, uh, secretive, and in any event this is a private business and the legality of the Designated Interruption Entertainer has been studied by our own lawyers. Oliver Help Incorporated lawyers? McMillion (V.O.) I mean, our real lawyers. (All three look at each other and laugh after a short pause. McMillion joins in the laughter as well, a booming authoritative laugh that continues after the three have stopped. When they observe McMillion continues laughing, they start up again, timing it so that they stop when McMillion does.) (The workmen finish hooking up the equipment and depart after a collective look at the suits to see what the laughter was about.) Oliver

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(Yelling after them) What do you want, a tip? Go already! (He watches them leave.) Thats why my names first on the letterhead, gentlemen. (Pause) We should go. Norwin Are we ready security-wise? Mel Yes, Norwin, we are. The camera is voice and/or motion activated and requires an executive voice command or remote activation to engage. (He speaks into his watch.) Enable! McMillion (V.O.) Okay, gentlemen. Lets make corporate history! (They exit L. On the way out, Oliver offers high-fives to both Mel and Norwin, which they ignore.) Act One Scene Two (Fiona enters SR and flicks the light switch in the far right office. She is in her early- to mid-50s, attractive, thin and petite, with long gray hair. She moves energetically, like a dancer, and is a bundle of focused energy. She removes her coat and tosses it on a credenza. Her occasional smile poorly conceals the fact that she does not have a sense of humor. There are books and papers everywhere. Efficiently and dead-seriously, goes to several of the piles of case files, opens them and looks inside before abandoning them. She sits in her office chair, bolt-upright, and turns on her computer. She puts on her headset, hits a few computer keys, dials the phone.) Fiona

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Hello, this is Help Incorporated returning your call. Please give us a call back at your earliest convenience. (She hits a few computer keys, dials again.) Hello, this is Help Incorporated returning your call. Please give us a call back at your earliest convenience. (She repeats the procedure; hits a few computer keys and dials phone again.) Hello, this is Help Incorporated yes, it is seven twenty-one a.m. I am returning your call. Sir, you called about a legal matter, a problem you are having with warranty coverage on your Buick? Yes, you bought it used? And what type of warranty was it? You dont know. Was there a sticker in the window? Yes? What did it say? As-is, no warranty. What fell out? (Pause) Sir, the engine is not covered. Neither is the rear bumper. Yes, you do need those to drive (Pause) If its not really a warranty call, what is it? You got rear-ended? Okay Did you complete an accident report? With the police? Wait wait wait you want to sue whom? The man who sold you the car? What about the other driver? He left? Did you exchange information? (Pause) Sir, youre not making any sense. Please be quiet for one second! Sir, if you are not hurt, you dont know who the other driver is and you didnt complete an accident rep Your neck hurts and you have headaches? You werent driving? (becoming increasingly more agitated) Look, sir, call the police in the city where the accident hap (pause) Sir, if this happened seven years ago there is nothing you can do. Yes, I realized you just joined our service and you wanted to give it a try, but there is nothing legally you can do. No, I cannot get a lawyer to represent you at this time. Because youre still provisional with us and you dont have a case. You need to follow procedures after an accident, sir. (pause) Thats all right, sir, call again anytime. (Fiona disconnects, types. Throughout the rest of the scene, when she is not speaking, she pantomimes working, the same routine. While she is doing this, Gary enters SR, carrying a box of books and office supplies. He is in his 30s, well-dressed and groomed, but still manages to have a down-at-the-heels, almost sad look about him. He is attractive, not quite athletic. He removes his

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books and supplies from the box, puts them on the available furnishings haphazardly. He looks for a place to hang a photograph, studies the wall where the camera is, takes out a small hammer and a bag of nails. He hangs the photograph over the camera hole. Oliver enters SL with a box of cookies.) Oliver First day? Gary (Enthusiastically) Oliver, how are you? Oliver (He is in a jovial mood) Good, Gary, good just wanted to see if you are getting settled in. (Looks around, notices photograph, winces) Yes, very good. Did they tell you if youre going to hang a picture to use the existing nail holes, if any? Gary Nobodys told me anything yet. Oliver (Sits in comfy chair) Yes, well, Suzette will be down to get you started. You will function as one of them, but just remember to have your report on my desk by five every Friday. Gary No problem.

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Oliver Just pretend like youre working. Let the slackers come to you. Then later we can have lunch. That will kill a couple of hours. Gary What do these people do again? Oliver Its like a legal helpline type of operation. Youve seen these call-in shows, The Law and You, like that? This is just like that. Your grandmother could handle most of these calls. Yet somehow they make it difficult. Not to worry. You wont be taking calls anyway, unless you want to. I dont know why you would want to, though. Most of these members are just looking for someone to talk to, you know what I mean? Gary Okay. (Ivy enters SR and sits at secretarys desk, notices Oliver and Gary talking, does a double-take at Gary. Ivy opens purse and removes a compact and applies face powder, checks hair, teeth and nails. She is small, thin, wiry and feisty. She enters Garys office.) Ivy (Too quickly) Is this the new victim? Gary (Rising) Hi.

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Oliver (Rising, with considerable difficulty, and quite put out) Ivy will be your secretary. Well, not your secretary she does the typing for about fifteen Title One attorneys.

Gary Whats Title One? Ivy Oh, youll see. Want to see pictures of my kids? Gary Your kids? Ivy Tyler, Daniel, Justin and Jason. Gary (Looks her over, struggles for something nice to say.) Four kids and you still have a figure? (Oliver bristles.) Ivy (To Oliver) This one can stay. Oliver Gary, I should let you get settled in and let Ivy get back to work (He glares at Ivy). If you have any questions, pick up the phone and dial 1-2-3.

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Gary Thats your extension? (He begins to write on a scrap of paper) Oliver Oh no, thats Suzettes. Title One employees do not have direct access to the partners. That would be perceived as overly familiar.

Gary Ah. Oliver Something about the corporate chain of command breaking down. Gary Okay. Oliver Just get settled in and Ill send Suzette down to show you how everything works. (Winks) (Oliver looks at picture again, adjusts it, exits SL) Ivy You made an impression on Oliver. He usually doesnt come down here on a Title Ones first day.

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Gary Really? Ivy We hardly see him at all on this floor. Hes usually out taking care of his apartments or off somewhere. Sometimes hell bring us cookies on Friday. Gary He has apartments? Ivy Yeah, hes a slumlord. He pays us just enough to be able to afford the rent on one of his apartments, too. See how it works? He keeps it all. Anyway, hes a dick, dont worry about him. Have you met Fiona? (Ivy goes over to Fionas office and drags her into Garys office) Fiona, this is our new Title One attorney, Gary Gary Webb. Ivy Gary. Fiona Hello. Let me know if you need anything. I have to get back to work. (Fiona returns to her office, puts on headset, resumes miming her routine.) Ivy

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I can show you how to turn it on. Gary What? Ivy Your computer. Gary Oh. No thanks, I can figure out that one myself. (Ivy exits Garys office. Ivy returns to her desk, dials frantically and talks into phone so that she thinks Gary cannot hear. A short conversation. Gary sits at his desk and turns on computer. Ideally, whatever is on his screen should appear as a projection on a screen at C above the stage. This would be the computer booting up. Gary is not sure what else to do. He takes a copy of a magazine from his briefcase, sits back and starts reading. Suzette enters SL. She is in her late 40s with short hair dyed blonde, attractive. She is trying to make the most of her remaining sexuality, which was once considerable, and is moderately successful. Her accent is vaguely southern.) Suzette Hello, Gary. Gary You must be Susan. Suzette Suzette.

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Gary Suzette, sorry. (Suzette hands Gary a few papers). Suzette You will need to fill these out and get them back to me sometime this week. (She looks around. Stares at picture.) The partners tell me you are so advanced that you will not require any training. Gary Just turn me on and watch me go, eh? Suzette Do you know how to get into the system? Gary Dont know anything yet. (Suzette comes over behind the desk and pushes her frame in between Gary and his desk so that her buttocks are at his eye level. Gary watches, momentarily frozen and mildly aroused, then rises and stands L of desk.)

Suzette (Quickly) You just double-click on this icon and that gets you into the Title One menu. From there you can access the active screen. These are people who still need to be called back. They are categorized according to urgency of call, time, subject matter of call and member status. One nine

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eight four means they just joined us and so youre not really allowed to tell them anything or do anything for them. Gary Nothing? Suzette Not until their credit clears. Gary How will I know when their credit clears. Suzette The system changes them over. Gary The system works on credit, I see. (Suzette looks at him, unsure.) Suzette Just try to answer their questions as best you can. If they need a letter written, write a letter. If its warranted. Gary How will I know if its warranted? Suzette If youre not sure, dial one two three. Thats my extension and Ill tell you.

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Gary I wouldnt go to the partners for something like that? Arent they lawyers? And isnt the merit or non-merit of a legal correspondence a legal determination not to be entrusted to a lay person such as yourself? Suzette (Pauses. She likes Garys feisty personality.) Also, if you want to lay a person, all you need to do is ask. Gary Really? Suzette As a Title One attorney, you only have limited powers. I can determine if your action is covered under the contract. Gary What contract? Whats Title One? Suzette Thats what you do. Its all in those papers. If you need a legal answer, here is your binder. (She crosses to bookshelf, touching Garys shoulder, picks up a thin binder and shows it to him. Gary returns to his chair.) Most of the law, and therefore the questions you will get, are covered in here. (She tosses it to him.) Gary So much for three years of law school but wait, lets get back to this lay thing.

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(Ivy rises and surreptitiously moves closer to hear this.) Suzette Gary, dont get fired on your first day. (Suzette smiles. She exits L with as coquettish a bump out the door as she can manage. Gary watches her.) (Ivy waits for her to leave, then enters Garys cube.) Ivy Id watch what you say to her. Shes a real bitch. Gary I think she just propositioned me. Ivy Its possible. She takes it where she can get it these days. If I werent married, I would go after you myself. (She is flirting shamelessly.) Even so, be careful. My husbands 51 and Im 35 and he doesnt always want to, if you know what I mean. Gary Im living with my girlfriend. We might as well be married. Ivy That doesnt matter to Suzette. (Lynne and Melody enter from SR. Lynne is short and heavyset. Melody is taller and thinner, but is also beginning to thicken with age. Both are in their late 30s. They bypass Ivy to get into Garys office.) Lynne

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So, youre the new Title One. Melody A bunch of us are going out after work on Friday. Do you want to come? Gary Okay, sure. Lynne Where do you come from? Gary What? Lynne Where did you work before you came here? We all had some experience in the law Ivy Yeah, usually miserable Lynne before we came to work here. (Lynne and Melody stare icily at Ivy until she leaves the office.) Melody was with the D.A.s office. I was with the Public Defenders office, the Human Rights Commission, and I do volunteer work for the ACLU on occasion. Melody

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(Coquettish) Shes extremely conservative. (She laughs nervously.) Gary I worked in a Third World sweatshop. I handled civil rights cases. Sometimes they would send me out to court on cases I was even less qualified for. (All three laugh nervously.) Melody A lot of us go out together after work. You can come too if you want. Lynne We like new blood. Melody Title One work is probably different than what youre used to. Lynne Its more volume than youre used to. Gary I dont know. I had a pretty big caseload at my old firm. But what is it that were supposed to do, exactly? Ive heard about this Title One but I have no idea what it is. Lynne Its in the contract.

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Melody Just answer their questions. Thats all you can do. I wish we could do more for these people, but we cant. The contract delineates what we can do. Lynne Its not quite that simple. (To Gary) Didnt you train with anyone? Gary I

Melody They probably just showed him how to turn on his computer and find Title One. They dont know what theyre doing. Lynne They dont know. Melody (Talking to Lynne now) I went to Suzette with a Title One call. The guy had exhausted every possible Title One benefit and he had his hearing in front of the judge coming up. We tried everything to resolve it. But Suzette wouldnt let me take it as a Title Three case myself. I could have got him off. So I went to Mel and he calls Suzette in! So he just listened to Suzette talk and said she was right. Shes not even a lawyer. She shouldnt be making legal decisions. I could have got him off.

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Gary Whats ? Melody What are these people paying us a fee every month for if we cant go in and represent them as their lawyers? Lynne What was the charge? Melody Leaving the scene of an accident. And then it morphed into a civil rights police brutality case. Lynne It morphed? Melody The member claims the police hit him with a Taser and a choke hold, and threw him through the window of the cruiser. Lynne Does he have a defense? Melody He had to pee. (All three laugh) Gary Whats Title Three?

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Melody Its in the contract. So, do you want to go out with us after work on Friday or what? Lynne Someone told me you used to work for Leonard OBoyle. Gary Yes, only it was under the guise of Your Law Firm. He didnt want his name on the letterhead because he figured the authorities would not be able to find him and potential clients would not know he had gone to jail. Lynne (Looking at the portrait of Karl Marx. She is just noticing it.) Why do you have a picture of Karl Marx on your wall? Gary Its Moses Mordecai Levy. Lynne Karl Marxs real name. Are you a Communist? Gary (Raises right hand) I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Melody Oh, leave him alone.

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Lynne Communism is still the enemy. (She does not sound convincing.) What about China? Cuba? Gary Its just a cool picture, thats all. Im still a capitalist pig lawyer down in my soul, where it counts. (He thumps his chest.) Melody Well, you are now officially working for the classic pyramid scheme operation. The thousands of members spend money hoping to get some help. The name of the company explicitly promises help. The money gets collected regularly in the form of monthly dues conveniently charged to their credit cards. We get paid like serfs. In the end, Bill McMillion is the only one getting rich. (She constructs an air pyramid.) The only one. Lynne I like to think we fight for the little guy. Melody (To Gary) Watch out for Suzette. Anything you say to her goes right to Mel Israel. Lynne I dont have a problem with Mel. (Starts to leave.) Gary, come down to my office later and Ill train you. If its okay with Suzette, that is. Gary

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Yeah, I dont really like non-lawyers telling me I can or cant do something. I think Ill just wait for instruction from Mel or Oliver. Melody Youll be waiting a long time. Anyway, it gets filtered through Suzette. (She thinks.) What a bitch. Well, anyway, I hope you go out with us after work on Friday. Gary I will. That sounds good. (Lynne and Melody exit.) (Ivy enters.) Ivy Melody has the hots for you. Gary What? How do you know? I havent even been here that long. I think I should get to work. Ivy Mel is coming down to see you. Gary How do you know? Ivy He buzzed and asked if you were in.

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Gary Theres probably not much going on around here that you dont know. Ivy Oh yeah. Working for fifteen lawyers, you hear everything. Believe me. Gary But were not real lawyers. Or so Im told. Ivy You got the degree. You passed the bar. You make more than me. Youre a lawyer. You also dont need to come in this early. Gary I dont? Ivy Nine-thirtys fine. Gary Oh. It sounds like were more psychiatrists than lawyers. Ivy Some of the members do have some whacked-out issues. Some of them keep calling back. Youll get to know them in time. I hear some of these people are calling from the pay phone at the nut house.

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Gary Is that so? Ivy I dont know. I just type letters. (Mel enters, walks into Garys cube.) Mel I see youre getting settled in. Gary Yes. Mel Ivy will be your typist. Give her all of your letters. Get back to (He turns to where Ivy was standing, but she is already seated at her desk. Her cell phone rings. She answers, whispers something into the mouthpiece and disconnects. She resumes typing.) Do you have a headset? Gary I dont Mel (Aware Ivy is listening.)

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Ivy, get Gary a headset. (Ivy exits.) Welcome to the firm. If you need anything, Suzette will be happy to help you. Just buzz her. Also Ivy. Now, I know, and you have been told that you are not strictly a Title One. Of course, you are free to do the Title One work if you want.

Gary I would get bored if I didnt do something, but whats Title One? Mel Go onto your computer and start calling our members back. Help them with whatever legal problems they might have. If you call somebody with a problem outside of your area of expertise, we have three floors of lawyers here you can ask. If none of that dissuades you, you are welcome to do all the work you want and frankly, we need every warm body we can get. Gary So these members are our clients? Mel Not in a technical sense they are our clients in every sense except the ones that can get this firm sued for malpractice. You will not be held to any production quotas or standards here. There are 35,000 members in this state alone. Any one of them can call with a legal question anytime they want. Our attorneys have to close cases. Gary What does that mean?

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Mel Resolve the members issue. Gary In a phone call? Mel It can be done. Sit and listen to some of the pros here: Fiona, who you have the good fortune of being across the hall from; Danny, people like that. If you want to, that is. But youre management. Youre one of us. Let the poor people do the work. Gary I always thought that a legal issue was not susceptible of being resolved in a phone call. That litigation, by its very nature, was long and complex. (Pause, as Mel regards Gary) Mel Youre a special case, Gary. Your task, really, is to identify habitual time wasters in the office and report it to us so that they can be dealt with accordingly. Youre not subject to the same production standards and quotas as the other attorneys. Gary How do you measure production? Mel At first we used the honor system. Lawyers self-reported. That didnt work, so we monitored closes and telephone

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usage electronically. An attorney could still cheat the system as far as closes, but electronic monitoring the telephone ensures that calls are kept to a reasonable length, and that there are enough of them. Gary So, why do you need me? Mel Many of our attorneys claim to be doing legitimate work on behalf of a client, which should be Title Three work, instead of trying to allay their fears over the telephone, which is the real purpose of Help Incorporated. Gary I have no idea what you just said, but the gist of it is that Im a hall monitor.

Mel You are if you want to continue working here. Gary I cant argue with the money youre paying me. Ive already accepted the offer. Im here. So, okay. Its just Mel Yes? Gary Id like to do some of the telephone work. I think it would keep my legal skills sharp.

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Mel I dont know how sharp youll get, but we can always use help on the phones. Gary And I think it would help me fit in a little better. Mel Sure. Gary I would feel like I was earning my salary. Mel Youll earn it doing your job. Its okay, though. Take it easy. Youre one of us. Gary I am? Mel Youre classified as middle-management G-thirteen for purposes of our unified corporate salary scale. Gary Im honored. Mel As befits someone who has Karl Marx hanging on his wall.

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Gary How do you ? Mel Its one of the things they teach you in school. (Pause) Youre one of us now. Try not to screw it up. (Mel exits.) Blackout Act One Scene Three (Gary is in the office L with Danny, Alex and Darrell. Darrell is tall and handsome and moves easily despite his large frame. He has wavy hair and is the very essence of insouciance. He is a trust fund baby who always dresses well. He is about 30. Danny and Alex are about ten years older, roughly Garys age. Danny is well-groomed and athletic. He is the alpha male of this group by virtue of the fact that this is his office and because he appears to be the oldest. It is a corner office, slightly than Garys or Fionas, with enough room to seat four of them comfortably. They are drinking beer. Alex is tall and thin, with a nervous tic, a facial twitch.) Darrell (Addressing Gary) How was your first week? Gary Oh, pretty good, I guess. Danny

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You have met Darrell? (Attempting a Scottish accent) Darrell McElroy. Starting at left striker for the Scottish national team, with right near fifty stone in his pockets as we speak! Darrell (Laughs slightly) How do you like the work? Getting to work next door to Danny would be reward enough for me. Gary Ive only been here a week. Its hard to say, really. Darrell The job may suck, but how about the babes? You cant put that kind of benefit in terms of dollars and cents. (Pauses to gauge Garys reaction, which is flat.) You get to work next door to my spicy Greek moussaka. Gary Fiona? (Wants to join in and be one of the guys) Id do her. Darrell I would have liked to have seen her thirty years ago, before all that gray hair and saggage. She still has a nice rack for a woman that old. Id still like to bend her over my desk and give her one of these. (He stands and does an ass-slapping pantomime, as if taking her from behind. All four laugh.) Gary She seems like she has issues with some of the members. And shes loud. Danny

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She doesnt know the law that well. She just tells these members things to get them off the phone. Thats why she gets more closes than anyone. Shes also relentless. Shes on the phones all day, doesnt take a break. Everybody develops their own style, Gary. Darrell Alex, what do you think of my sweet little Greek pastry? (Alex rises and does the ass-slapping pantomime, but looks painfully awkward in comparison to Darrell. Darrell and Gary join in.) Danny See, Gary? Youre already getting the hang of this place. Id give it six months. Then well find out how you really handle the relentless avalanche of petty little I guess you can call them legal problems you encounter on a daily basis. Gary Six months, Danny? Im not sure I could make it that long. Alex (Drawing closer to Gary as he speaks.) The partners treat you like shit. Worse than receptionists. Darrell They need the receptionists. Theyre the first line of defense. Danny The Help Incorporated lawyer is the lowest form of life. Its an eternal debate. Ive been here for five years and I think

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theyre both treated like shit. (Pause) We need to move this party into a bar.

Alex (Sits) Any suggestions? Darrell PPD Friday Happy Hour baby! Alex How about Shenanigans? Danny I dont know. You tend to get your big eaters there. What do you think, Gary? Gary I always thought Shenanigans had a good happy hour. One of the best in the city. Darrell Not enough poontang action there. I vote for PPD. As always, Danny casts the deciding vote. Danny PPD is a good call. Stick with the old reliable. Alex

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Lets finish these first. Darrell Alex, you live with your parents. Who has the best happy hour for picking up poon? Danny Wait, I live with my parents, too. Doesnt my vote count? Alex Shenanigans. Danny No matter where you go in this town, youre still going to get your typical, uneducated, underdressed, overweight, rude, gum-snapping, mean-spirited, no culture pig. I want a girl in her twenties who plays tennis, has some sophistication, reads a book every once in a while, and doesnt wear cutoff and expose a bare midriff at the movies so that you can see rolls of (He breaks off in disgust.) Gary Well, Danny, were about the same age. Youre probably a little older than me Darrell Danny went to school in the sixties. Gary Why cant you find somebody your own age? You too, Alex. I did.

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Alex, Danny Theyre even worse. Gary Oh no, I beg to differ. I love women in their forties and fifties. I like them like our Fiona. When theyre that hot

Darrell She has a boyfriend. Gunther or Klaus or Dirk or something like that. He builds robots. Hes an engineer. He figures if he sticks around long enough she will make him a citizen. Gary A German robotics engineer. Isnt that a clich? Alex Good looking women can get any job they want. Then you have your Harvard and Yale grads. Where does that leave the rest of us? Stuck in a dead-end job like this, talking to losers and nutballs and scumbags all day long. You get paid next to nothing and in the end you cant even say you got experience going to court because were not representing these losers. Im just putting this job on the old resume and thats it. Gary It seems like we work for more of a suicide hotline than a law firm. Darrell

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What about our credo of helping the little guy and legal access for all? Alex Whoever said that never had to work calling these uneducated losers all day long. (He is becoming clearly agitated.) Danny Have another beer, Alex. Darrell I figure I can do this easy shit for awhile until Im ready to go to another firm. Danny And this general understanding throughout the company that we dont represent these people. Somebody should challenge that. Gary It seems to me that we do represent the members. They call us, we give them advice. Isnt that a lawyer-client relationship? Alex Do you really want to represent these people? Danny

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Well, its just a thought. But I was reading the Wealthy Mans Guide to Investing. You have to take risks. (Pause.) So, if we were of a mind to start our own practice, we would break off and we would have an instant client base. Alex Of members? Danny Well, sure. Listen legally there is nothing stopping us from writing to the members and informing them weve moved our practice. They would have the choice of coming over to our firm or staying here. Alex Except that we havent moved. Were here. And were stuck here. Darrell I dont want to do this paid-in-advance legal shit.

Danny We wouldnt. We would all identify good cases that we want to keep and start out that way. Save the names and addresses and when its time to move, send out a general correspondence. Gary You want to risk your job because you read a book?

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Danny Its just something to think about for the future. Alex is right. There is not future in this firm. Alex Mels daughter is already in law school. Darrell Now shes pretty sweet. Id like to party with her. And shes got the money to support me. Alex Do you think one of us is going to make partner before she does? I vote for stealing Help Incorporateds clients. Danny I dont remember putting it up for a floor vote, but so do I. Darrell I guess Ill go along with the herd. Danny You should. Your trust fund is going to pay for all of this. Darrell Hey! Back off! No touchy the piggy banky. Alex Lets go out and celebrate this.

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Danny Gary, whats your vote? Gary I dont think Ive been here long enough to offer an opinion. I like it here so far. Compared to where I was, the money is good Alex It is? Gary and I like the work. You dont have to go to court and get your hair mussed. Danny You must have a thing for women in their fifties. You know this firm is where they go when they get put out to pasture. This is the pasture. Gary What about us? Danny Were it. Gary Anyway, theyre not all over fifty. Melody looks to be a little under forty. Darrell

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Yeah, shes about as good as it gets as far as attorneys here go. And thats not good. Alex Lets go. I need to forget about these losers for a while. (Rises) Come on, Danny. (Danny reaches up and switches off his computer.) Danny Coming, Gary? Gary No, Ive got to get home. My significant other wants to go out tonight and I have to get a little bit sober before I walk in the door. Thanks anyway. Danny Six months. Gary What? Danny I give it six months. Usually after six months on the phones, dealing with the relentless problems of the members day after day, you see the Title I attorneys attitudes start to change. You come to a great divide around that time. You either keep giving legal advice, deal with their problems, or you become one yourself. Well see in six months if youre still as enamored of this place as you are now. Alex

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Lets go! (Danny rises and they all begin to file out. Gary returns to his office.) See you next week if youre still here, that is. Gary Adios. I might stop by what PPD later? Alex Probably. I plan on being passed out by then. Gary (Laughs slightly) Good night, all. (Danny, Alex and Darrell exit R. Gary turns on his computer; with some momentary difficulty, he begins typing. Along with Garys monologue, the following should appear on a viewing screen above the stage.) Memo to Mel Israel from Gary Webb I have correlated (He is pleased with himself) the data from our proprietary system i.e., number of closes and have made some preliminary findings. Clearly, Fiona is a superior producer twenty-seven closes today alone She would be here now if she were scheduled on Fridays. Her four-day weekly totals exceed those of any other Title I attorney who works all five days of the week. One wonders about the quality of her legal advice. She seems to spend most of her time berating people however, member complaints against her are in line with staff averages It may be unreasonable to expect a staff full of Fionas as she appears tireless relentless in her desire to bring down the number of calls (Pauses. Looks over his work.) New paragraph there is a move afoot to steal Title I clients those with good, viable cases I would decline to name those involved until such time as I have determined that it is not just an idle threat but rather a bona fide

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conspiracy By far the biggest time wasters among the Title I attorneys are (Melody enters from R. Gary abruptly hits buttons on his machine and shuts it down. The above-stage screen goes blank.) Melody Hey.

Gary Hi Melody. Melody I cant believe youre still here. Trying to make a good impression in your first week? Gary Well Melody Mel is the one you have to impress. He runs H.I. Its his baby. And he gets his reports from Suzette. Oliver is the hatchet man. (She advances. Sees beer bottle on Garys desk and takes a long swig from it.) And confidentially, it doesnt matter what you do as long as you get your ten closes a day. Unless you totally suck, you wont get fired. The need people on the phones. (She leans over front of desk seductively.) Gary I dont suck.

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Melody I thought you were going out after work. Gary I was, but I got held up. I owe Mel something a report. Melody So dedicated. Cant it wait? The partners arent going to read it tonight, or maybe ever. They werent even here today. Or maybe Norwin was, I think But he has nothing to do with Title I oh, come on and loosen up a little. Were all in this together. (She comes around to behind desk.) What are you working on? Thats a blank screen. Gary I know I (Gary is clearly becoming uncomfortable.) Melody (Sits on Garys lap, facing him, arms around his neck.) Cant resist Gary Youre pretty friendly for a D.A. Melody Im not a D.A. anymore. Its a dead end job, and my heart was always with the accused, anyway. Gary I have a girlfriend.

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Melody Thats inadmissible, counsel. (She kisses him. Gary quickly weakens and they embrace and kiss.) (Blackout) Act Two Scene One (Mel, Norwin and Oliver stand in Garys office. Norwin and Oliver wear suits. Mel wears upscale business casual. All hold drinks. In the office, disorderly stacks of papers have sprouted up everywhere. The bookcase is overflowing with loose, stacked papers threatening to bulge out and cascade onto the floor. The Karl Marx picture is gone. The office now looks dirty and lived-in.) Mel Our stock is up over forty. A new high. We have hired ten new Title One associates in the past six months. That is a net amount, with several having been fired along the way. We have taken over three floors in this building. It is still not enough. Oliver, your name is first on our letterhead. What do you make of all this recent success? Oliver I say there is still room for growth. Statewide, we have almost fifty thousand members. But our sales associates keep signing up more. Norwin What about retention rates? Mel

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My friend, according to headquarters, we have a twenty percent retention rate on new members. That is after one year, relatively unchanged from the three-month figure. Norwin So in otherwords, sometime within the first three months, we lose four out of every five new members, on average. Oliver Our role is to administer the contract, not to worry about numbers. We get paid the same regardless. Besides, twenty percent retention is pretty good considering the worthlessness of the service. Mel Life is good. Norwin What about the homeless chap whos been parading around town with the Help Incorporated Is A Fraud sign?

Mel I spoke with him, listened to his story. He made a compelling case for keeping the mentally ill institutionalized. Did you know he was sold H.I. in an institution? Oliver Oh? Mel

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He was in Wellhaven for drug rehab, heard our sales pitch from another short-timer and decided to sign on. This sales associate made a tape inside the joint with a camcorder and a script encompassing all the benefits of the service, as per the sales bible, crammed a bunch of people into the TV room and popped the tape in. Norwin Did it work? Mel Closed ninety percent. (Laughs.) Oliver Some of these sales associates get the people worked up into a frenzy. Its like a revival meeting. Once you get some of these yoms whooping and hollering unfair and stick it to the man, you can sell them a shoebox full of shit. Norwin So, this chap was sold a bill of goods by our sales associate Mel Not ours. Remember they are independent and therefore the company, and more importantly, we are immune from any lawsuits. Norwin He was sold a bill of goods by a sales associate. He became dissatisfied with the service, and now he is complaining to upper management. (Pause) Who handled the intake?

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Mel Gary Webb. Norwin Our spy? Mel, Oliver Shhh! Mel Be quiet. Fiona is committed. (All three laugh.) Norwin I dont need this. I have my own practice. I only signed on with H.I. because of the potential for enormous profit at low risk. Now we have a spy into his sixth month of employment, and he is getting complaints? Mel Nothing we cant handle. Oliver They all get complaints.

Norwin

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I did not support Gary Webb handling members. The risk was too great for fraternization. You see him now, hes already bedded Melody, hes mates with some of his colleagues. Do you think these people will ever show up in his weekly reports? Mel I find his reports incomprehensible lately (Looks at Oliver) in any event. Oliver Are you two saying the Designated Interruption Entertainer is a failed experiment? Mel What do you think? Oliver I dont know. Im busy with my apartments. He seems to be somewhat unstable to me. An unstable individual who fucks women we could be fucking has no place in an office setting. Its I dont know disruptive or something. Mel We cant have that. Norwin We cant even have the or something. Oliver Gary Webb has no place in a position of responsibility with this company.

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Mel But you would let him talk to members on the phone? Oliver Oh, absolutely. Norwin Sure. Mel His six month evaluation is coming up. Oliver, why dont you administer that? Tell him the reports are now needed only once a month, and in skeleton form at that. Well phase him out. Norwin, you dictate a memo to McMillion and let him know the experiment has failed. Have Suzette type it up for confidentiality purposes. Norwin She doesnt type. Mel Shell type this if I tell her to. We will initiate video surveillance of his office. I had him take down the offensive wall art shortly after he got here. Oliver Karl Marx. I never heard of such a thing. Norwin

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(To Mel) He knows something. Mel No, he doesnt. And even if he does, so what? Oliver Whats there to know? That hes a Communist? Mel, Norwin (Quickly) Nevermind. Norwin This office is a sty. It reflects badly on corporate and on the firm. Oliver But instead of telling McMillion that the experiment has failed, tell him the failure was in personnel. That way, the chief executive of a Fortune five hundred company doesnt have to be reminded that his pet project failed. Mel He will want to hire someone else. Oliver So, we hire someone else. My mother can handle these calls. Theres no shortage of lawyers willing to work for next to nothing. Mel

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Payroll is our biggest expense. If there was a way to cut it, we would. Oliver We grow, we keep hiring new people to work the phones. Norwin Pardon me, but dont all our new Title One attorneys start out quickly and then gravitate toward the middle? Dont they all seem to level off to a point of doing just enough to get by? Mel Numbers dont lie. We already pay them at or near the bottom of the salary scale. If we pay more and draw better people to this firm, they will still gravitate to the mean. And theyll become discouraged with the work more quickly. I do not think hiring better lawyers is the answer. We need a different spy. Norwin What about his salary? Oliver Bust him down to Title One. Thirty-two thousand a year. Hes still making more than the female Title One attorneys. Of course, an office full of Fionas would end this discussion. Works for nothing, keeps her mouth shut, busts ass and goes home. Mel Why cant they all produce like her?

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Norwin Nice figure, too, for a woman you know what I mean. Mel Our age? Norwin Yes. Mel Put that thought out of your mind. Oliver Thats what our intake receptionists are here for. Mel Yes, our intake receptionists. Norwin Have either of you ever done an intake on one of our girls? Mel No. Oliver That would be sexual harassment. (All three laugh.) To sexual harassment (Raises a toast. All three finish off their drinks.) Mel

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To money. Norwin To the Bank of Rothschild! (Blackout) Act Two Scene Two (Danny, Gary and Fiona are seated at their desks talking on their phones. Ivy sits at her desk, talking on the phone. During the scene, Darrell, Alex and Lynne walk back and forth about the stage, talking on cell phones.) Gary Sir, are you telling me that you have inside information

Fiona You can walk over to the magistrates office and file it yourself Gary that could bring down the stock price of your employer? Fiona even if you cant read or write English. Danny

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If your neighbor comes into your house at night and enters your bedroom and just watches you sleep, thats still breaking and entering. What I suggest you do is go file a criminal complaint with the police. Alex You were doing ninety in a thirty-five zone? Fiona We cant get you a lawyer. We are lawyers. We are here to give you legal advice. Alex Your license was under suspension for DUI? Fiona The lawyer we would get for you would charge you more in fees than you would recover from the defendant. Alex Your car hit a parked car?

Darrell I told her the law is just a way to make a living. Fiona You may not even win. Darrell

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I dont need to work. Alex And you fled the scene. Fiona Sir, I dont know why youre paying us a fee every month. Perhaps you should ask the sales associate who sold you the membership. Gary You can disclose this information to the SEC. Theres a whistleblower law that protects you. Alex I dont see you driving again legally for a while. Gary Securities and Exchange Commission. Danny I know you dont feel safe. Its the age were living in, maam.

Ivy You were supposed to pick up Daniel after school today. He sat there waiting and waiting and waiting. You know he runs off with his friends God knows where when you dont show up on time to pick him up.

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Darrell I can do this easy shit for awhile. What do you say, PPD tonight? Danny I know your problems seem far removed from the world at large, maam, but if you just look at the big picture right you just want this person not to come into your house at night What? She sends you obscene faxes at work? Gary If the auditors havent disclosed it Ivy You violated our custody arrangement. (To group.) Hey guys, didnt he violate the custody arrangement? What can I do to enforce it? (No one responds.) Youre the one who wanted this! (Pause) Im going to the Judge! (She disconnects and dials again.) Gary (Mutes phone.) (Loudly) Im going to be rich! (All pause for a moment and regard Gary, then resume their conversations.) Alex I know you have to drive to get to work. To get your license restored, first contact the DOT and request a restoration requirements letter

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Danny Its never easy to admit these things. You dont feel safe. None of us feels one hundred percent safe. Fiona My name is Fiona. Ivy Hes in a mood today. Fiona Its certainly your right to file a complaint against me with H.I. Ill even give you the number. Well, sir, its the reality of the legal system that victory is not guaranteed. Lynne Be quiet! Listen! Fiona Especially when the res Lynne Ive been listening to your story for forty-five minutes and you just wont stop and listen to me! Fiona the thing at issue in your case Its Latin Well, sir, sometimes we have to use these Latin words to prove we went to law school. Lynne

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Stop! Shut up! Fiona You cant prove you own the DVD player. You cant prove the other fellow took it. (Pause) No, I will not write a letter. Alex Write the letter. Ivy Im typing letters. Darrell Send me an e-mail. Gary Call the SEC It depends on who is in the White House. Right now the climate is such that your complaint will get tossed. Lynne (Exasperated) Are you going to be quiet and listen? (Covers mouthpiece) Why wont he listen to me? Gary Yes, you are a whistleblower. But you dont have whistleblower protection. Only government employees get whistleblower protection under the law. Go public with it. Danny

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No one feels safe. Darrell I wore a condom. Gary If you were a woman and you called Time Magazine, I bet they would protect you. (Fiona stops talking and looks over at Garys office, offended at what he said. Her antennae stay up as she returns to her call. Lynne puts her cell phone down at her side and looks at Garys office too. She returns to her call.) Lynne Forget about whats deductible. You owe ten thousand dollars in back taxes. Alex Yes, I can write the letter for you. You get a free letter with every legal issue. Gary Hello? (Disconnects) Alex Yes, it is a great deal. Ivy I think Al-Qaeda is going to strike. Alex

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Well even go to court with you on the speeding charge. No extra fee. All part of your monthly membership. Darrell So the next day, I get flowers with an anonymous card. The card reads, Thank you for a wonderful evening. Lets do it again real soon.

Gary Hello, Help Incorporated. Returning your call. Darrell I dont know which one of them sent the flowers. There is one that I would really like to see again. Shes really hot. The other one, not so much. So, I called them both. I called the hot one first. Of course, you know if I thank her for sending me flowers and she didnt send them, Im hosed. Shell know I went out with another girl who sent me flowers. So I said, I want to thank you for the other night and I want you to know I really appreciate what you did. And she didnt know what the hell I was talking about. I thought, fuck, it wasnt her. Then I called the other one and, sure enough, she sent them. (Pause) No, she was just a joyride. Gary Oh, Im sorry to hear that, sir. Fiona What I suggest you do is find the receipt. Thats right, sir. Goodbye. You dont need to know my name. Just call back and ask for Help Incorporated. (Disconnects)

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Lynne Call the IRS. Theyll help you. (Pause) Yes, sir. (Disconnects) Gary Racial profiling? (Lynne enters Fionas office) Lynne Fiona, are you busy? Fiona (Shakes her head in exasperation) Its just one right after another with these people. No, Lynne, come in. (Lynne shuts door.) Ivy I cant believe my ex. He forgot to pick up Tyler after school again. (Loudly) Its a violation of our shared custody arrangement. (She waits for an answer from one of the lawyers. None is forthcoming.) Not to mention the fact that he never has paid me a dime of support. Gary Youre assuming, sir, that Arabs attacked us on 9/11. I know you are Indian and Hindu. You told me that. The airlines can detain whoever they want, and they search everybody. (Pause) It wasnt Al-Qaeda. It was the Israeli Mossad! (Pause) Thats just what the government tells you. Those nineteen guys were Israeli Mossad down to the last man.

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Alex (He has wandered into Dannys office.) I just want to kill some of these losers. Danny (Hangs up.) Alex, how are you, old sport? Gary Sir, Iraq has never attacked us. (Pause) Can you think of a better way to stir up the Middle East? (Darrell disconnects from a call and walks into Garys office, plops down in the comfy chair and shuts his eyes.) No, sir. Were the attackers! (Disconnects) (Alex enters Garys office, pokes his head in to see what the noise was, walks in.) Alex Another rocket scientist? Gary This guy thinks that because they looked through his bags at the airport that he has a federal civil rights case. What about you? Alex My last caller has been driving on a suspended license for so long now that the police dont even bother to pull him over anymore. They just send him a ticket. So he decided he wants to go out on Friday night after work.

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Gary Dont we all. Alex So, he says he has about one or two drinks. In the real world of non-Help Incorporated members that means at least fifteen beers. He drives home and they clock him doing 90 in a 35 residential zone. They chase him and he hits a parked car and hes severely DUI. This is on top of the suspension they sent in earlier that night. (Alex has a good laugh at this. He looks at Darrell, who is asleep.) Darrells working hard, I see. Gary He just came in and plopped down. That man can sleep through anything. (Fiona walks past Ivys desk and directly into Garys office.) Fiona Do you have a second? (She does not wait for a response.) I heard what you were saying earlier about women on the cover of Time Magazine. Dont talk about things you know nothing about.

Gary Get out of my office. Fiona I dont want to hear it. Just dont say anything anti-women, and dont talk about things you know nothing about.

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Gary (Rising) Let me explain something to you. I do what I want and I say what I want! Fiona No, you dont. Gary Fuck you. Go get your Nazi boyfriend a green card, you stupid bitch. Fiona (Yelling) You have no idea what youre talking about! Youre just so stupid and prejudiced that I dont know where to start. Gary Yeah, and youre so smart youre doing Help Incorporated at age fifty instead of being partner at a big divorce firm. Ill tell you where to start. Hows this? How about get the fuck out! (Points to the exit) Fiona Oh, thats really clever. At least thats better than what you tell the members. (She storms out and off R.) Gary Fuck you, you pseudo-intellectual sea hag! (Danny enters Garys office.)

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Danny I can come back later Gary Dont worry about her. Alex and I were just talking when she barged in. Alex (Doesnt know what to make of all this.) Well, I dont know about any of that, but we have several more good leads on cases for when we decide to leave and start our own firm. Gary Did you write them on your list? Alex I did, along with their names and SLs. Gary SLs? Alex Statutes of limitations. Gary Dont start using legalese with me. Ive got enough trouble. Alex That will hit these bastards where they live steal all their clients.

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Danny They are the life blood of a law firm. Gary Yet, Mel and Oliver and Norwin rejected them as Title III clients, while continuing to draw a monthly fee from them. (He raises a finger as if making a point.) Danny Title III takes money. It takes money to file a case in court, just like it does for any lawyer. We have the right to require the client to pay those costs. Gary Danny, these people cant even afford the monthly fee, let alone thousands in attorneys fees. Danny The name isnt Free Legal, its Help Incorporated. Alex Your pre-paid lawyers! Danny Well, thats just a selling tool. Look, I dont care about any of that. I just want to build up my base of three hundred clients so I can get out of this place and start my own practice. I just read another book. Alex

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Is that the number now, three hundred?

Danny Well, its been said by members, not our members, but members of our profession, that in order to run a viable practice and have steady income and pay your staff and not starve, that you need three hundred clients. Alex Per firm? Danny Per lawyer. Gary Thats an impossible workload. Alex We dont even have an office. Gary Or desks, copiers, stuff like that. Danny We are building a book of portable business. Alex

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So that when we get out of this dead-end job, we have a ready-made client base. Gary Im still pissed at Mel for ordering me take down my picture of Karl Marx.

Alex Well, that was a little extreme. Gary It was a statement. Alex A statement that youre a Communist? Gary Its a very profound statement that this country is being turned into a Communist state. The elevation of the proletariat, the cabal-centric governmental state unit, its all there. Oh, the steps are slow and gradual as usual, but they are there nonetheless. You have a dumbed down middle class that thinks Oh, it cant happen here. Bullshit it cant happen here. Alex Well, lets get our piece of hypothetical scenario happens. Gary the action before that

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Not hypothetical. Real. When the state is looked to as father protector, you have the beginnings of a very real Commie scenario, and it is unfolding right now. Alex The government would never let that happen. Gary The government is in on it! Dont you see? An inept Commander in Chief being manipulated by others, a willing Congress and a public that is eager to go along for the ride, whatever that may be at the time. A desperate underclass (He holds up the receiver.) Danny Controlled by drugs. Gary Add it up. Alex The public is turning against the president on the war. Gary Thats the prevailing leftist sentiment. If you think that will affect what the president does, youre smoking crack. Alex But we control all the major cities, and we have installed our obligatory puppet dictator. Gary

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Thats what you hear on the news. Alex Dont you believe the news? Gary Not a word. I dont watch or read mainstream media. If something important happens, somebody will tell me about it. Danny Youre quoting Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Alex You forget about 9/11. Gary Do I? I dont think so. Alex The passengers on those planes, heading to their deaths. Gary The Pentagon didnt get hit by a plane. That was a missile attack. Alex, Danny What?

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Danny Where do you get this stuff? Gary Isnt it odd that theres all those camcorders, and all those people snapping pictures hell, the cameras all around the Pentagon, the most protected and watched place on earth, and no one caught it on film? They got the first Trade Center attack on video in New York. The one they didnt even know was coming. And no one sees a plane fly into the Pentagon? Alex Im sure there are passenger lists, flight data and such from the Pentagon plane. Gary Have you seen it? Alex No Gary Didnt think so. It doesnt exist. The whole thing was made up. Wheres the debris? Alex Only because I havent sought it out. Look, it was a plane, all right. Im tired of these conspiracy theories of yours. (Pause) I remember when you came to work here. You were a good

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American, Republican, believed all the right things. What happened? Gary This place happened. Ive talked to all kinds of good Americans. I found out that the average Americans like the family dog. He knows where the bowl is, but he has no idea how the food got there. All the people especially our members, care about is, how is the quarterbacks knee this year, and do I have enough beer. (Darrell wakes up.) Darrell Is it five oclock? Danny As soon as you mention beer, he awakens. Alex Gary thinks were turning Communist in this country. Gary Not by choice. Darrell Im not. Gary What do you know? All you care about is where your next piece of ass is coming from.

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Darrell I already know that. Ivy (Enters) Suzette alert. Gary Okay, thanks. Suzette alert, guys. Out, out. (Gary tries to straighten up his desk a little. It is fruitless.) (Danny returns to his office and checks his computer, starts dialing. Alex, Darrell and Lynne emerge from the offices they were in, dial their cell phones. Fiona dials another number. Ivy remains on the phone. All mime talking.) Fiona Hello, Help Incorporated. Danny Hello, Help Incorporated returning your call. Lynne (Peeks in to see if Gary is there, waves) Hello, this is Help Incorporated.

Gary Hello. Options department, please. My name is Gary Webb, account number one nine eight four. I want to order one thousand September puts on PPD. (Suzette has entered from L and is standing outside Garys office. Alex, Darrell and

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Lynne scatter and exit R when she arrives. Ivy hangs up and begins typing.) Yes, I know its risky. What are they trading at? (Pause) Good. Put me down for one thousand September puts, good until filled. Charge my account. Thanks. (He disconnects. Suzette pokes her head in the door, enters, shuts door and sits in the comfy chair. Throughout the ensuing conversation, Ivy listens at the door.) Gary What can I do for you, Miss Suzette? Suzette What was that all about? Gary I just bought put options in the stock of a company that one of the members works for. He gave me information that may mean the stock price is going down. Suzette How do you make money if the price goes down? Gary (Rises) Sweetie, a put option put option. It means you can sell at a certain price. (He grabs Suzette in a dancing embrace.) Its called the strike price. (He begins waltzing around the office with her. It is cozy business.) If the stock price falls below the (He dips her, then resumes the waltz) strike price, you have the option of selling at the (He dips her again, and resumes the waltz, much closer now.) strike price. So you buy at the lower price and sell at the higher price. Get it? Suzette

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(Trying not to enjoy herself too much) What if the price goes up? Gary If the price goes up, the options expire worthless. Suzette (She spins Gary around and pins him against his desk, putting her right foot up on the desk.) It sounds too risky. Gary (Enjoying Suzettes information. sudden Suzette Youre taking stock advice from our members? Gary No, no he didnt know he was giving me a stock tip. He called with a legal issue. Suzette (She kisses Gary full on the lips. A long, passionate kiss.) Thats inside information. Gary Not according to the SEC. (Finally, Suzette releases Gary from the embrace. Ivy drifts over to Fionas office, then to Dannys, after hearing all of this. She shuts the doors and whispers something to each of them in turn. Then she returns to listening at the door.) dominance.) Its good

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Suzette Look I typed something for Mel today Gary Oh really, I wasnt aware that you type. Suzette a confidential memo. Gary Not anymore. Suzette Be quiet for a minute. (Gary straightens up like a child and gives the zipped lip signal.) Theyre looking to end the experiment. (Gary throws up his hands and shakes his head. He doesnt understand.) The designated interruption entertainer experiment. (Gary repeats the gesture.) Theyre looking to bust you down to Title One attorney. Gary What? Suzette With a corresponding reduction in pay. Gary

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What why? Suzette (Counting off the charges) They said you have had too many complaints against you by members, reports not filed in a timely fashion and lacking critical information, intemperate outbursts

Gary Suzette, you know how these members can be. They just talk and talk and talk until you just want to smack them and say go back on your meds. Its insane. And in the end, were not allowed to do anything to help them anyway. (Pause) Who complained? Suzette Im not here to talk about your complaints. I just wanted to see you and warn you in person that this is coming down. It is a recommendation made by Mel Silver himself to McMillion. Gary WM knows about this? Suzette He conceived and authorized the experiment. Gary

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He wont be happy to know that it failed. I wonder if hell be happy to know that I leaked his little experiment to the business press. Suzette Dont do that. Theyll fire you for sure. Gary They wouldnt. Im a whistleblower. This company is traded on the New York Stock Exchange. Can you imagine what the shareholders would think about the fact that (haughtily) William McMillion hires corporate spies? Suzette Gary, I just handle the Title One attorneys. You are giving yourself too much credit. No one in the press is going to care about this. Gary They will. I happen to know this division is being sued by sales associates and members. The people are starting to figure it out. Suzette How ? (Gary rises, approaches Suzette and puts his hand on her shoulder.) Gary Does Mel know about us? Suzette

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I havent said anything. Gary He might be jealous. Suzette I told you it was over between me and Mel. Gary I know. Suzette Anyway, it was a long time ago. Hes moved on. Gary As have you. (Suzette thinks about this.)

Suzette Gary, what do you see in me? Gary Dont you know? Suzette No. (Ivy strains to hear. As Fiona rises and walks over with a stack of papers, Ivy returns to her desk and resumes typing.)

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Gary Its the sex. Its a sex thing. Its incredible. (They kiss.) (Blackout) Act Two Scene Three (Darrell, Alex, Danny, Melody, Lynne, Fiona and Ivy are all in Garys office C. Darrell sleeps in the comfy chair. Alex sits in Garys chair. Danny, Melody and Lynne manage to mill about in this smallish space. Melody has adopted a beatnik persona and wardrobe. Fiona and Ivy stand just outside the door of Garys office.) Alex Whats taking so long? Danny Weve all had complaints.

Alex He seems to have more of them, though. These morons get to him. Ivy I hear him slam the phone and swear after every single call. Fuck you! Slam! Kiss my fucking ass! Slam! Fucking nigger! Slam!

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Fiona I have heard it too. Lynne (To Ivy) Why havent you said anything? Ivy Because hes cute. Melody But hes mine, and youre married. That makes him off limits. (Pause) The partners shouldnt make him suffer. Danny Everybody who talks to these people on the phone all day long is going to run into your problem members (The others hear that Danny is about to lecture them again and attempt to silence him, but he perseveres and continues with his speech over their catcalls and comments.) Curtis, Israel and Abramson dont know because they have never been on the phone with a member Alex Do you blame them?

Danny

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and its the same people, time after time, year after year. With experience, you learn who the problem members are and you avoid picking up the call. Melody Hows his legal advice? Alex Mel, I heard him telling a member that the U.S. should not go into Iran because the Russians have nukes there. Melody Seems pretty sound to me. Alex The loser was calling about a foreclosure. Danny But you see, we get these calls when its far beyond the point where legal advice would be of any benefit. Theyve screwed up their lives. Most of them have mental problems. Lynne They can be helped. Its our duty to help them. Alex How can you stand it between the loser members and Oliver and Mel treating us like little kids? Danny (Adopting a cheap British accent) Dont forget Norwin.

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Alex He isnt really H.I. He doesnt run it, doesnt care about it, doesnt know anything about it. Melody He knows it when the check comes in. Danny The partners get paid no matter what. They are not parties to the recent member and associate lawsuits, and wouldnt be liable in any event. They have found their cash cow and they will never let go. Melody Do the lawsuits have a chance to stick? Alex Ten states so far. You know how these class actions go. Everyone jumps on the bandwagon. Instant merit. It wont be long before everybody wants a piece. Melody It was a matter of time. Danny We have a retirement plan. Alex

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Wow, ten percent of nothing paid into a 401K that loses money. Im going to start picking out condos in Turk and Kaikos. Danny Not that retirement plan. Alex What then? Danny Our secret client database Lynne What? Alex (Looks at Danny, unsure whether he should proceed and reveal their plans. Danny nods.) Its like this. We have established a law office where we handle all of the decent cases that come through here. When we get enough clients, Danny, Gary and I break off and form our own practice. For real. Lynne Why not handle the cases through this office? Alex The partners rejected them. Danny

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Too much work, not enough reward. Lynne What about him? (Points at Darrell) Alex Hes enormously indifferent.

Danny We cant get a lucid waking moment out of him that doesnt involve alcohol, women or rate my poo dot com. Alex Plus he has his trust fund. He doesnt need to work. Melody Hes really taking advantage of his privileged status. Lynne Its unethical. And besides, if it is a labor-intensive, rewarddubious proposition for the partners, isnt it more so for you? I mean, with full-time jobs and everything? And you have to give the partners part of your fee. Alex No, we dont. Danny

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There are some good cases that come through here that the partners throw away. Were simply taking a little more of the risk than they are willing to. What do you say, Lynne? Lynne (She thinks about all of this for a moment.) Do what you want. Im out. Melody Ill do whatever Garys doing. Fiona Im out. I want less work, not more. Im far too busy here. (Gary enters from SR.) Danny Hey, howd it go? (Gary glares at Ivy) Gary Does everybody know I had a meeting with the partners? Ivy Not everyone is here today. (Ivy returns to her desk, picks up phone and begins chatting. Lynne and Fiona return to Fionas office and shut the door. Melody approaches Gary, embraces him and kisses him passionately, actually backing him against his own desk, which he grasps for balance. Melody then abruptly exits SR.)

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Melody Cant resist Gary I had no idea I was this popular. (He hovers over Darrell for a moment, claps his hands.) Beer! (Gary then glares at Alex and gestures wildly.) Get out of my chair! (Alex scurries out from behind Garys desk, but remains in his office.) Darrell (Slowly regaining consciousness.) What time is it? Gary Happy hour, lets go.

Danny Alex and I were just explaining Plan B for escape from Hell Incorporated to some of the ladies. Darrell Are you dudes still thinking about a start up? Danny Your names on the letterhead. Darrell

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You dudes are too ambitious. Im telling you. Ride this shit out for a few years, do their little dance, save some dough, then go out on your own. Danny We thought we had money. Your money. Are you no longer committed to Helping Hand International? Darrell The name alone will get you sued. Its too close to Help Incorporated. Not to mention the fact it sounds like a relief organization. Alex Besides, we need clients. Gary Am I Danny Help is help. You cant trademark it. Gary interrupting something?

Darrell I thought we were going to Happy Hour. Alex

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Yes, lets go. Gary? Gary Ive got to stick around for a few minutes. Alex Meet you at PPD. Gary Wait. Danny, lets go over to your office. This place is a sty. Admittedly. (They exit, enter Dannys office.) (Gary looks around to make sure no one is listening. He draws the others closer.) They know. Danny What? Gary The partners know about our little side business. Alex (Severely, with disbelief) No. Darrell I told you. Too derivative. Not ethically sound. Actual work. I knew it was a bad idea from the start.

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Gary Any ideas on who stuck the knife in our collective back? (Danny and Alex eventually settle on Darrell.) Darrell Whoa. Danny Your pessimism has not gone unnoticed. I always suspected there was a mole on this floor. Is this how you get by with doing so little work? Darrell I get as many closes as you do. Trouble with you is, you really try to help these people. Danny We all have our own styles, and Darrell Its legal fast food. Serve them and move on to the next overweight, overmedicated, overspending loser. Alex I want to do more than give these people a Band-Aid. Gary Really? Alex

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Yeah, I want to bill my stones off at a hundred and fifty per hour. Danny Look, we all have our own styles. I bill my stones off because I can talk for hours on end, incessantly, about anything. Everything else is volume. This place was supposed to supply us with the volume of cases we need. Gary Dont you guys get it? Were on our way out! Darrell What did Mel say, exactly? Gary How did you know I met with Mel? I didnt say I met with Mel. Darrell All H.I. meetings of consequence are with Mel. Norwin is just in it for the money and Oliver just hands out cookies and springs for one-third the cost of pizzas one day a month, in recognition of staff birthdays. (Pause) Dudes, Im out of here. Accuse me if you want. Blame yourselves. You were about as discreet as Melody is about Gary. (No one responds.) If anybody wants to go to Happy Hour, Ill be in my office looking at Rate My Poo dot com. Danny What is that?

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Alex (Amused) Its a website with unbelievably big shits. Danny Come on, Darrell. Were just busting your stones a little. Ive got beer in my office. Darrell Ill be down. (He stomps off) (Danny produces bottles of beer for the three of them. He sits, followed by Gary and Alex in chairs. They drink.) Alex What did he say? Gary Mel sat me down and he brought Suzette in. I dont think he was concerned about the side business so much as he was about my attitude with the members. He said Ive received complaints and he had Suzette run down a list of them. (Pause) Alex Everybody gets complaints. Gary I mentioned that. It seems the frequency has them concerned. I tried to step up my closes (Suddenly, Gary begins goose-stepping around Dannys office like a Nazi, and Alex joins in.) and as you know, member complaints are

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directly proportional to the number of call backs. (They stop the goose-stepping. Alex has pulled something.) Its a mathematical certainty. Alex I call it the loser ratio. Gary Anyway, I couldnt deny it. Any of them. Danny (Becoming the alpha male, father figure again) Well, everybody here gets complaints. We all react differently to this type of work. The volume, the constant struggle to find a legal issue in the incessant droning on and on about nothing. Dont let these people get to you. I told you that after six months, you would either settle in for the long haul or you would fall off the map. Dont let them get to you. Alex Im so sick of these fucking losers thinking they have the right to complain about me. Gary But anyway, he went on about the members. You know their names. They call here every day because, oh, I dont know they got a ticket for urinating in public or some local politician is corrupt or some police office is following them around just because they have twenty outstanding arrest warrants. Danny

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You should know to avoid members who are on the screen every day. Let the new meat take their lumps with the lifers. After six months, you should know what to avoid and what is going to give you the least amount of trouble. Alex Yeah, you need to balance between quantity and quality. Gary So, is this bad? Danny Ive never heard of Mel meeting with an attorney to discuss complaints. They are a fact of life here. You get people who are predisposed to complain in the first place, and you sell them a forum to air their grievances and get them fixed. Then they find out they have to pay more to have us represent them? Its a volatile combination. Gary Well, he didnt seem so concerned about diverting members to our own firm. He just mentioned it, and suggested we stop. Danny My understanding is that theyre looking for the million dollar case they can retire on. As long as we dont steal that, they might leave us alone. Alex No, the three stooges like that money coming in from the contract every month. Something else is going on in that crucible of an office that we dont know about.

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(Curtain) Act Three Scene One (Mel, Oliver and Norwin stand in Garys office. Norwin is hunched over Garys computer terminal, pressing buttons frantically on the keyboard and clicking the mouse, watching the screen intently. Mel goes through papers on Garys desk. Oliver stands in front of the desk and eats from a box of cookies he is holding.) Oliver We have to fire him. I dont see any other way. Mel Virtually every call he handles results in a complaint. He refused to help me. I felt like he wasnt listening to me. He swore at me. And then you try to confront him about these complaints and he just sits there and looks at you. Oliver With that blank stare. Mel Like he doesnt know what youre talking about. And he gives you this attitude. Oliver He wont give me attitude. Norwin

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Sure, because you bring him cookies once a month. Oliver No, he wont even try that shit with me. I just raise my voice a little and he calms right down. Hes a pussy. (Takes a big, disgusted bite out of a cookie.) These things are giving me a sugar high. (He begins aimlessly moving Garys books around in an attempt to clean off the bookshelf. He ends up making it worse.) Mel Hes bad for business. We need to tell McMillion his experiment failed. His man on the inside fell in with the proletariat. Or the bourgeoisie. Im not sure which. Oliver Whichever one means loser. Norwin Guys hes got porn on here. Oliver Is it the same site I go to? Mel His production has dropped off tremendously. He leaves us no choice. Oliver Mel, I hate Gary Webb as much as anybody, but are you sure youre not letting personal matters influence your decision? I mean, he was banging Suzette in this office.

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Norwin On the good chair. Oliver Turn the cushion over. (Mel complies, gingerly lifts a corner of the big cushion and flips it over, then pushes it into place with his foot.) Mel Me and Suzette are over. It was a long time ago. She can see whoever she wants. As far as Im concerned, Suzette was a joyride. Norwin In the middle-aged Range Rover of life. Mel Well, be that as it may. (Pause) Of course, I am not above, in addition to firing our associate, ruining his personal life. Norwin Dirty pool! No fair! The evil, underhanded partner imposes his will on the young associate corrupted by the system! What did you have in mind? Mel Well, we have his background file. Assuming all that information is still valid, we can use that somehow.

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Oliver We cant have our spies turning against us, you know. Mel Maybe a call to his girlfriend Oliver A bad reference. (He gets disgusted, spilling books onto the floor. He begins picking them up and returning them to the shelf.) Norwin A confidentiality agreement? Oliver Yes, yes. Mel Shall we follow our normal routine, do what we always do? Oliver Ill get the hats! (Exits L) Norwin I will have Suzette call McMillion, and patch him in here for a conference call. (Exits L) Mel

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Yes, patch him in here. (Mel moves to behind Garys desk, where Norwin was, and presses a few buttons.) Yes, Gary, I see from the pornography on your computer that you are skilled in the internet arts after all. Had you forgotten that we record every word, every keystroke? Or did I neglect to tell you that? Some of these girls look pretty young. (Shaking his head.) No, that simply wont do. (Wanders out from behind Garys desk, down C) Oh, Gary. You were in over your head. A depraved little prole in the world of men, with your sordid past of affairs and insider trading. How long did you think it would last? You wanted to grift the grifters. You forgot that McMillion has perpetuated the greatest pyramid scheme in the history of the help industry. Our members have paid and re-paid for legal what amounts to legal services, sold under the guise help for pennies a day. They can have access to top professionals in the field, unaware that we hire losers who cant even fix their own lives. We give them advice on how to wreck their lives even more. Money is funneled up to the top slots in the corporation, independent branches of a central ruling body. We have collectivized the practice of help. We do it for the money and the power, for that trip to Vegas twice a year for our annual pep rally. We take the associates we can tolerate personally. The ones who know Help Incorporated is a scam but play along anyway. We like that. Those people will go far in this organization. (Aside) They can keep their jobs. Pity you couldnt work with us, Gary. You were being groomed for partner. But you threw it away on ethics. Real help. A twisted view of who really runs the world. McMillion (V.O.) Who does run the world, Mel? Mel (Taken aback) Why, you do, Mr. McMillion.

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(Pause. Both Mel and McMillion erupt into laugher as Oliver enters from L, wonders what they are laughing about. Norwin enters quickly behind. Mel sees the two and goes solemn and low-key, his usual state. They clearly rarely see Mel laughing. McMillion, in voice over, remotely gives a few leftover chortles, then stops abruptly.) Oliver I found these. (He holds up cheap party hats, distributes one each to Oliver and Mel. Oliver returns to the box of cookies he had left on Garys desk, begins devouring cookies. Soon he is pacing back and forth quickly.) McMillion (V.O.) David, is that you? You limey bastard! Norwin Its Norwin, sir. McMillion (V.O.) Oh yes, I forgot about the name change. Norwin It throws people off, sir. And you yourself can empathize, sir. McMillion (V.O.) Indeed. (Pause) Is everybody here? Oliver (Pacing) Yes sir, Im here. McMillion (V.O.)

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Is this a secure line? Mel Yes, of course. McMillion (V.O.) Well then apparently we have some sort of problem with the Designated Interruption Entertainer? Mel Yes, he is not working out as we had planned, sir. McMillion (V.O.) I see from your monthly reports that his productivity is falling off. Explanation? Oliver (Still pacing) He has turned against everybody. His employer, the members. He seems to have become friendly with the staff. Mel Too friendly. And in one extreme case, too friendly with management. Oliver (To Mel) We consider Suzette to be a mid-level supervisor with certain executive privileges. McMillion (V.O.)

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Would that be the same Suzette who accompanies you to Las Vegas every year, Mel? Mel (Abruptly) Yes sir. McMillion (V.O.) According to hotel surveillance, Mel, you and Suzette were dating, is that correct? Mel (Shrinking) Yes. McMillion (V.O.) Granted, that was ten years ago. (Pause) What did she do, trade you in for a younger model? (He laughs, along with Norwin and Oliver) Norwin (Composes himself under Mels glare) If I may, sir, we may have made the Designated Interruption Entertainer too darned irresistible to the ladies. McMillion (V.O.) Nobody made him but me. Oliver He turned coat, sir. Mel With your approval, sir, I would suggest a layoff due to loss of business. It always works as an all-purpose remedy in

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these sorts of cases. A layoff would remove any hint of willful misconduct from the equation and it would save McMillion Enterprises from having to explain why it fired a corporate spy. McMillion (V.O.) You dont think he will raises this issue himself in a termination proceeding without any prompting? Mel We would not oppose such a proceeding.

McMillion (V.O.) Im not paying unemployment to someone we entrusted with company secrets, who stabbed us in the back. (Beat) We will take care of this in the usual manner. I will implement Agenda Twenty-One. Oliver (Stops eating. His mouth is full of crumbs.) We what? McMillion (V.O.) You all heard me. I will make the necessary arrangements date, time etcetera. You three make sure the floor is clear when the time comes. Mel But sir It wont do to have one of our offices sealed off with yellow tape.

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McMillion (V.O.) Melly, Melly, Melly. Do you really think I would let that happen. (Beat) Its final. Now, if there is nothing else, I have a golf date with a federal judge. Good-bye. (Loud click) Norwin Well, thats rather direct, isnt it? Mel Our task is clear. Oliver (Bouncing around the floor in a nervous panic.) All right, all right, you heard McMillion. Lets get the propaganda machine rolling. Ill call in Suzette and explain things to her.

Mel You dont think shell be upset when she finds out? Oliver We tell her Gary is mentally unbalanced. Which he is. Mel I dont know about this. Oliver If we dont hold up our end, McMillion will terminate the contract. Some other firm will get the McMillion millions, the

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trips to Vegas, the fancy offices, the condos in Turk and Kaikos. Do you want that? Mel No. Oliver Youre the one whos always talking about taking that next step up. Into the elite. This is a chance for us to prove our mettle. If we handle this right, we are on the A-list. Well be like rock stars. (He trips and falls face-first into the comfy chair.) Norwin Do you think he will invite us to Bohemian Grove for vacation? Oliver (Somewhat muffled) Lets not get carried away. Mel Youre talking about being part of a conspiracy. Oliver (Rights himself with considerable difficulty.) Well, what do you think the contract is? Help Incorporated? Yeah, right. Norwin A pyramid scheme in the guise of a humanitarian objective. It is a civil conspiracy. Organized theft.

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Oliver Only difference is, it makes us rich and the law is marginally on our side. Mel Well, Im on board, dont worry about that. Well get a nice Christmas bonus this year for sure. (With awe) Agenda twenty-one. Oliver Okay then, gentlemen. Lets adjourn. Things have a way of moving pretty fast once we get the call. (All prepare to leave.) Lets reconvene at noon. Mel, Norwin Okay. Oliver I hate work, but I love having my name first on the letterhead. (They exit L) (Ivys head pops up from underneath her desk. She is ashen. She paces back and forth in front of the offices, wringing her hands. Fiona enters and efficiently moves about her office, which remains a sty, comparable to Garys. Ivy enters Fionas office.) Ivy You wont believe what I just heard. Fiona

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Have you been looking under your desk for your pencil again? Ivy (Pays her no mind) I think the partners are getting ready to fire Gary. Fiona What are you talking about? Ivy I just heard the three wise men in Garys office talking to Bill McMillion, and they were talking about taking care of Gary! Fiona Bill McMillion was on the phone with the partners? Ivy Yes. Fiona In Garys office? Ivy Yes. (Pause) I know you two dont get along. I wish you would make up. Fiona (Coldly) I really dont care what he thinks of me. I just want to come in and do my job, and go home. I dont make waves, I dont socialize, and the partners love me. And if they want

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to fire Gary, its their prerogative. He deserves it, if you ask me.

Ivy Come on, I like having happy people around me. Fiona Im fine with things the way they are. Its not my problem if he has issues. Ivy You take three months a year off. Fiona Its all paid for. Ivy What? Fiona Dont tell anyone. Ivy Ive got to help him. I cant save his job, since its the partners who are involved, but maybe I can give him some advance warning. Fiona Are we done? Ive got to start calling members.

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Ivy (In disbelief) Yes, thanks Fiona. (Ivy exits Fionas office. Gary and Danny enter from R. We hear Fiona calling as the two enter. They are in the middle of a conversation.) Fiona Hello, Help Incorporated (Gary and Danny enter Dannys office, switch on the lights.) Gary if we were allowed to do more for the members besides call them, the service, I think, would be a lot more worthwhile. As it stands, they are selling this Help package to the unsuspecting, under the pretense that we as Title One associates can do more for them than we actually can. Danny Oh Gary. So deluded. You actually think the system is set up to help. Its set up to make money. They want somebody like Fiona, who closes lots of cases. Gary You dont do that. Ive seen you spend forty-five minutes on the phone with members. You go into court with them. Danny If they need me to.

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Gary Dont the partners and, um, Suzette decide that? Under Title Three? Of the contract, I mean? Danny No, no, no. They dont decide. I decide. But yes, the partners would rather have twenty Fionas, closing their balls off. (Slight pause) If she had balls. Well, you know what I mean.

Gary I think she pisses with the seat up, if thats where you were headed with that. Fiona needs to be bent over a desk and plowed from behind. (Gary mimes this.) The Greeks like that, I hear. Danny Shes typical Help Incorporated. Female in her fifties, cant find work anywhere else. Its the end of the line for most of them. Gary How about me and you? Danny We need to find an alternative to this type of work. Well never break into the market from here. Gary We could unionize the Title One associates.

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Danny I dont want to hear about that. The partners will snuff that out. Just do your job, and if you hate it that much, find something else. Gary Youre probably right. (Begins to exit Dannys office) Danny Of course I am. (Gary exits, enters his office, begins to go through his morning routine with considerable dread. Ivy rushes in, checks to see if anyone is around.) Ivy I have something to tell you. Gary What is it? Sit down, sweetie. (Ivy sits in the comfy chair.) Ivy Ooh, I could fall asleep in this thing. Gary Many have. Except me, of course. Ivy

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Listen, I think the partners are getting ready to fire you. Gary What? Sshhh! (Attempts to quiet Ivy as she continues.) Ivy The partners were in here Gary Outside! Now! Ivy Why? Gary Just out, please. (Both Gary and Ivy step out into the hall, down C) Ivy Whats going on? I wanted to speak to you in private. Gary My office may not be entirely secure. Ivy What do you mean? Gary Trust me. (Whispers) They put a camera in there.

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Ivy No way. You get paranoid much? Gary They know everything Ive done since I got here. Ivy About you and Suzette? Gary Yes yes, how do you know about that? Ivy I know everything. Or at least I thought I did.

Gary So you know Ivy About you and Melody too. Sure I do. Everybody knows that. Its ancient history. Melody was handing out wedding invitations. Gary And about Ivy

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Youre little side business. Of course. Alex was having me type his letters. Gary (Thinks for a moment) Shit. Fuck. No offense. Ivy Im a secretary to twenty attorneys. Theres not a lot going on that I dont know about. Gary Well, what were they saying? Ivy They said they were going to take care of you. Gary Maybe you misinterpreted. What were you doing? Listening through the wall?

Ivy They had Bill McMillion on speaker phone! (Pause) I used to feel bad about eavesdropping, but now that I know they spy on us, I dont. Gary Ivy, can we talk after work, away from the office?

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Ivy Sure. Why? Gary I need to talk to you about why I was hired here. But I just dont trust anyone anymore. Ivy What about Suzette? Gary I think Suzettes playing both sides. (He considers this for a moment.) She sat me down with the partners and they told me they know everything. The have surveillance, everything. They record our phone calls. Ivy Can I ask you something? Gary Sure. Ivy Why dont you and Mary have any kids? Gary What do you mean? Ivy

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Youve been together a long time. Why havent you had any kids? Gary Were not even married. Ivy So? Ive had four kids without ever being married. Gary I dont know if Id brag about that. Ivy Im not bragging. Thats just how it is. Gary Nevertheless, we have made a conscious choice not to have any. Ivy You just dont want anything to interfere with play time. You dont want the responsibility. Gary What? What is this about having kids all of a sudden? Hey, you have an office here full of swinging dicks. Tell them to go have kids. You go have more kids.

Ivy

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Theyre not throwing away their lives. Gary And I am? Let me tell you something. The government wants you having kids, it Ivy oh, the government thats good. Gary Shut up! Ivy No, I wont shut up! Gary They want you having kids. Hell, theyll even give you a tax break. That way, they know youre going into debt, buying a house, stuck in a job you hate, chained to the status quo, afraid to speak out, to do anything new or different. They plan on it. Ivy You have no responsibility. What do you know? Gary Youre a secretary. You know nothing about responsibility. Ivy Right, and because you have a degree, you do.

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Gary Two! I have two degrees Ivy So what? Gary and I have to talk to fucking morons all day long and listen to insane babbling Ivy So does everybody else here. I dont hear them complaining. Gary and I can get sued by any one of them at any time, and Curtis Israel & Abramson listen and watch everything I do, and they put quotas on me. I work in a fucking suicide prevention mill, circa 1910. This place is a sweatshop! (Pause) You dont hear them complaining? Really? (Ivy suddenly is crying. Gary places a hand on her shoulder.) Im sorry. Im not sure why, exactly, but Im sorry. (Pause) Listen, lets get out of here at lunch. Well go to PPD. Ivy I dont usually cry. Im just going through so much with Daniels father and I had to lash out you just dont seem to care about anything. Gary

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I do, though. (Pause) You know, if you werent common law married with four kids, and I didnt have a girlfriend and two mistresses Ivy Dont let that stop you. (Kisses Garys cheek) See you at lunch. (She exits R) (Blackout) Act Three Scene Two (Gary, Danny, Alex and Darrell are seated in Dannys office, Danny behind his desk. It is late in the day. The lights have been turned down on the rest of the stage and there is background music courtesy of a boom box, which dominates Dannys desk. All are holding drinks: Alex and Gary have beers. Danny has a glass of wine, and a bottle on his desk. Darrell has a mixed drink.) Gary I dont believe it. Darrell Down in flames. I warned you guys. Gary What was it, exactly? Danny One of the members went to Mel with a complaint about one of us, and spilled everything our engagement letters, our fee agreements, everything.

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Alex Should have known one of these fucking losers would turn against us. (Rises and begins pacing around the office.) Darrell Yes, you should have. (Melody and Lynne enter from R and Darrell rises to greet them. They exchange pleasantries.) Alex We could lose our licenses. Danny This is typical when you go out on your own from an established practice. Gary How would you know? You would have been happy getting your ten closes a day, getting paid slave wages and going home, never really giving anybody any real help. (Darrell and Melody begin dancing to the music down L. Lynne joins the group in the office. Alex continues pacing.) Alex Fuck these losers. They turned on us. They ratted us out. (He punches the wall, which hurts his hand.) Danny I was happy doing those things. Seems to me we never moved on this idea beyond the discussion stage until you came to the firm and started stirring things up.

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Gary I didnt stir anything up. It was your idea. You came to me with it, so dont accuse me of getting anyone fired. (Rises and confronts Danny) Lynne Who got fired? Alex (To no one in particular, imitating Oliver) Some of these people just want someone to talk to. Your grandmother can handle most of these calls. Its just like The Law and You. Id like to see Mel or Oliver or Norwin do what we do all day every day. Danny They dont have to. They just live off the contract. Theyll do whatever it takes not to have to sit and talk to the members on the phone. (To Gary) Sit down. Gary No. (He leans over the desk and pushes some papers off Dannys desk. Danny rises and the two begin shoving over the desk. Alex, Darrell, Melody and Lynne intervene.) Darrell Cut it out, you two. You want to get us thrown out of the building, too? Lynne

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What happened? Gary Nothing. Danny (Sits) The partners found out about our side business. Were done. Gary Sshhh Danny What? Were all friends here. Lynne One of the members told? Danny Thats what we hear. Lynne How do you know it was one of the members? (Melody starts to pull Darrell back out into the hall. She begins slow dancing with Darrell even as he tries to listen.) Gary Mel had meetings with us and told us. This is being sent to McMillion for an investigation. Lynne

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An investigation by who? Danny Who knows? Some company out of Oklahoma. Alex Ollie better watch out. If I see him out on the street after this Ill tear his fat head off. Lynne Which member? Gary I dont know. It could have been anybody. Lynne Maybe it was quality control. Danny, Alex Who? Lynne Quality control. Every so often someone from corporate will call a provider firm with a phony hypothetical and see how we do our job, render help, deliver the product. They rate us Title One attorneys individually and the firm gets rated as a whole. (Pause) Its in the contract. Alex The fucking contract.

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Gary Who reads the thing? Danny Ive read it. I know parts of it verbatim. Gary Well, great. Lot of good the contract does us now. While you all are feeling so knowledgeable about our current predicament, theres something that probably escaped your notice. Lynne What? Gary Do you people know why I was hired here at Curtis, Israel & Abramson? Alex To sit and listen to losers whine all day. Danny To help people. Lynne To administer the contract. Gary

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Yes, (Points at Alex) no, (Points his middle finger at Danny) maybe. (points at Lynne) But there originally was another reason. Lynne What? Gary I was hired to spy on all of you. (All stare blankly at Gary for a moment, then Blackout) Act III Scene Three (Gary sits in his office, feet up on his desk. No one else is on stage. Death enters from up C. He is tall and sepulchral, in his 50s, and wears wire-rim glasses. He is dressed in business attire. Gary remains seated casually with feet up.) Gary Im sorry, are you looking for someone? Death Yes, I am. Gary A lawyer?

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Death I look for many lawyers. Today I happen to be looking for you. Mr. Gary Webb, is it not? (He removes a gun from the breast pocket of his suit and a silencer from his pocket, begins screwing on the silencer.) Gary I think youre making a mistake. I Death Nope, no mistake. Gary Who are you? Death I dont think it matters, but you can call me Ron. Ron Lister. Im security, McMillion Global Enterprises, assigned to implement Agenda Twenty-One. Gary Agenda Twenty-One? Youre from the home office? Im getting out of here! (He rises, Ron fires the gun and Gary grasps his left kneecap and screams. He falls to the ground.) Ron (Nonchalantly) Thats what I like to see. Do I have your attention now? (Pause, as Ron listens to Gary scream for help.) Scream all you want. The floor has been cleared. Your friends, Danny and Alex, have been terminated for violating the contract. You are a special case, Mr. Webb. Did you think you could get away with what you did?

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(Gary reaches for the phone. Ron kicks Garys arm away and yanks the cord from the wall. Gary grasps his knee and, in obvious pain, manages to sit up beside his desk. He comports himself just well enough to speak.) Gary Theres going to be building security up here in about thirty seconds. Ron Who? That fat guy who sleeps on his stool all day downstairs and does word search puzzles? Please. (Gary screams, and Ron enjoys himself for a moment.) You know what? This is going to be a messy suicide. Gary Suicide? You shot me in the knee! And, and Im still alive and Ron Soon. (Gary realizes Ron is going to kill him. He rises and limps pitifully toward Ron, who fills the space in the doorway. Gary swipes at Ron, who fends off the blow with his gun hand. Gary swipes with his right hand, but Ron parries the blow and then pushes Gary over with his gun hand, aims the gun and shoots Gary. Gary grasps the other knee.) There. A matching set! (Ron looks around the office, picks up objects and books aimlessly.) Do you want to hear more improbable events? Your friend Darrell is getting a promotion. Our executives sleep all day and roll into the office around three. Its his dream job. We made Lynne a

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partner for exposing your little scam, even though we knew from surveillance. She has a great legal mind. Suzette? She turned you in. You couldnt handle the betrayal and the heartache, so you shot yourself in the head. Gary No!

Ron We can spin this any way we want? Did you think you could tell people the truth? You were here to help us help them. No one wanted to hear that political shit. If someone wanted to make a fast buck with some phony fall down, or got ripped off by some scam artist, you give them a band aid. But no, you had to turn crusader on us. This is how we deal with crusaders. Blackout Then, a gunshot. Curtain The End

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