What are the 7 steps to forgive?

1. Identify your offenses needing forgiveness.

IMPORTANCE 2. Acknowledge the hurt and pain.
OF 3. Pass the burden of revenge on to God.
4. Making apology. Seeking forgiveness.
FORGIVENESS 5. Ask God to comfort you.
6. Make restitution when possible.
What happens if I don't forgive? 7. Show thankfulness to God and others.
We do not need to look far to find a bitter
person. Unfortunately, bitter people seem to stand out wherever they are, much like a sore
thumb. Bitterness develops from not forgiving another person. How? We start with the
seed of an unforgiving heart. Here are three kinds of such seeds.

1. Often the problem is just a misunderstanding. We refuse to give any benefit of the
other person's intention. We assume they deliberately did a wrong against us.
2. More often, there is some wrong, but it is exagerated with our suspicion.
3. Then sometimes, there are just those plain hard wrongs done against people.

It doesn't take many days on earth to experience a wrong against yourself. If you forgive,
then no seeds of an unforgiving spirit are planted in your heart. If you respond with
unforgivingness, then you have a seed in your heart that slowly but surely develops
into a root of bitterness. God has not made our systems to manage this bitterness. The
scriptures say,

"See to it
that no one comes short of the grace of God;
that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble,
and by it many be defiled;"
(Hebrews 12:15, NASB).

Roots develop from the seed and supply a network for nourishment and security for that
seed. Unforgivingness always develops bitter roots in our hearts. These roots of bitterness
then attempt to spread to our whole life.

What is forgiveness anyway?

Forgiveness is releasing someone from the moral debt they owe you. Since we often
do not think in such terms, let us use a financial illustration.
 I recently was at a store and discovered I ran out of cash. I asked my
friend, Ed, if he could pay for me and then I would pay him back
when I got home. I owed Ed $38. I had an obligation to repay him as
we agreed. I was in debt to him. There are two ways to legally get rid
of this debt.

1. I could pay him back his $38. when I returned home.

2. The other option was for him to release me from that debt.

Both ways would legally and morally be effective. I chose the former. If I chose the later,
I would feel somewhat indebted to him for his generosity. Besides he didn't offer!

How does this work with moral debts? When a person has offended us, they have made
a moral debt to us and God. They have acted less than they should have behaved. We do
not have power to deal with their debt to God. God has worked that problem through
Christ as we have earlier discussed.

But what can we do to someone who morally owes us? In most cases, we cannot
perfectly bring about restitution. There is no way they can pay us back. We wish the
world was so easy. But when people are hurt, a child molested, violence is done, financial
restitution does not relieve the debt. It is a beginning which shows seriousness of
understanding their wrong. What can do?

We can simply forgive them. We recognize that we could hold it against them. They do
owe you. However, God does not like it when we do not forgive. Many people use an
unforgiving spirit to bring a sense of judgment on that person. God however, says that
revenge is His prerogative "Revenge is mine," thus says the Lord. Forgiveness is a
decision on our part to simply release another person from moral guilt.

1. Clearlyidentify what offenses of mine need to be forgiven.

We are great at identifying the faults of others but poor in discovering our own. We need
to discover the how we have offended God and hurt others. David said in Psalm 51:3,
"For I know my transgressions."

More than often we have some fault of spirit (attitude) or lack of concern for others. We
need to ask God to help us identify these problems. God in Jeremiah 17:9 says,

"The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand
it?"

Like David in Psalm 139:23-24, we need to plead for Him to search our own actions and
attitudes.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

Key point >> Discover your faults from your life. We can pretty much trust God to care
for others who have hurt us.

2. Acknowledge their hurt and pain. Be specific.

There are at least three areas of pain. Each is difficult to honestly recognize. We have
such a difficult time opening up ourselves to see what pain we have suffered as well as
empathizing with others in the pain that we or others might have inflicted them with.

o God is grieved. As imperfect creatures you, I, and others have offended

Him. We have despised His rules so we could choose to do what we
desired. Sin is transgressing God's law even if we are ignorant of it.
"Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is
lawlessness" (1 John 3:4). His laws are best for us, but we think our way is
best.

o We have hurt the other person. As mentioned above it is difficult to

think of our own wrong doings. But it is equally difficult to think of their
pain. We are more intent on getting revenge than trying to understand
what deep hurts are inside those who have hurt us. These deep emotional
scars have contributed to their aggressive behavior that pained you and
probably others.

o We are hurt. Someone has deeply hurt us. We often pride ourselves in
being able to handle things, but our wounds in fact reveal our inability on
our own to handle the situation. Someone's words have hurt us. Written
words whether in emails or letters have upset us. Add these things to the
many other wrong things that have been done. If we are not forbearing and
forgiving, we will soon get bitter and angry.

Key point >> You need to address each offended party and tell them the grievance you
have done and how it probably hurt them emotionally. This includes an honest
conversation with yourself on how you were offended by what you thought someone did.

What if you can't forgive?

You have probably heard some people say that they can never forgive. Maybe you have
said it too! For whatever reason they say this, the result is the same. Unforgivingness gets
so wedged into their heart that the root of bitterness infects the different areas of their life.
A bitter person is the very opposite to a gracious persone. Or to approach it a bit
differently, bitterness is the opposite of Jesus. In summary, if someone has offended you
including yourself, then you have it within your power to forgive.

What does it mean not to be able to forgive?

 This common phrase 'not being able to forgive' means that we do not want to
forgive rather than the implied 'we cannot forgive.' The bulk of the problem is
having the offended humbly acknowledge this simple fact of their unforgiving
heart. It is a will problem. And though it seems like a radical statement, we
must affirm that the problem in a real sense is not them but us. After all, God
worked with the humble sinners rather than with the stubborn and prideful
ones.

What happens when you do not forgive others?

There are several consequences. None of them are pleasant. Each brings the worse out of
a situation.

• An unforgiving spirit poisons ones own heart with bitterness. We have already
addressed that.
• 'Can't forgive oneself ' implies a resistance to change and therefore makes
reconciliation impossible.
• Without reconciliation, sour relationships will persist until death.
• More than often, their hatred infects their descendants and they live bitter lives.
Perhaps we should think of our will as a hate list.
• Great emotional pain and misery is associated with those who live bitter lives.
This is partly due to no good friends. They cannot tolerate the bitter comments.
• Diseases follows this path of bitterness. Our bodies cannot handle this unforgiving
heart.
• A scary future. God will not forgive those who do not forgive others.
• Although they claim to be right, they in fact cause further wrong to be done
because of their unforgiving heart. They can never bring proper revenge.
• All the joys in life meant to be theirs is dashed in some ashes of bitterness.

In summary,

• We wish hate on others but it stays in our heart.

• We wish for other lives to be ruined but it is ours that is ruined. Our
own precious children and grandchildren must suffer from the
source of the original wrong.

What about forgiving ourselves?

Some have said that they cannot forgive others, but what about those who say, "I could
never forgive myself?" They sound so right. If they meant that they do not deserve
forgiveness, they are right. It is true with all of us. But more than often they mean, "My
sin is so bad that even God can't forgive me." They again put themselves in a position that
sets a nail into their coffin. This unopenness to consider God's truth on the matter has
often caused eternal heartbreak.

The best way to deal with deep wounds about our failures is to find God's forgiveness,
make due apologies and restitution to the best we are able and commit ourselves to living
rightly. We have done wrong. We undoubtedly deserve the worst. But if our Savior died
in our stead to help us, shall we dam ourselves to a judgment that no longer exists?!

The apostle Paul called himself the worst of sinners. His solution was to seek God for
extra grace to help more people. If Jesus did not condemn Paul to a life of shame but as
an honored apostle, then we should follow this pattern of grace. Paul used his own
wicked past to testify how God can forgive others. Remember, he would not be able to
bring back the lives of those innocent Christians that he had killed. He could only trust
God to bring about a greater grace.

" I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me
faithful, putting me into service; even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a
persecutor and a violent aggressor. And yet I was shown mercy, because I acted
ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith
and love which are [found] in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full
acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am
foremost [of all.] And yet for this reason I found mercy, in order that in me as the
foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience, as an example for those
who would believe in Him for eternal life." (I Timothy 1:12-16)

These offenses should never have happened. But just as Christ came to save and not to
judge, so we need to operate from love and grace rather than by judgment. By forgiving a
person, we are not saying they are good or that no harm came. Not at all. We are merely
stating that we are not personally going to hold it against them. We relieve them of that
debt.

What about asking others to forgive ourself?

Jesus has not only told us to forgive but to take the initiative when others offend us. We
do this with a gentle spriit. The reason we do it is love. We treasure that relationship and
value that other person. We want to clear up things right away.

For example, "Those words you said yesterday about me being a bit fat really hurt. I
pretended they didn't, but I don't want this to deteriorate our relationship. Upon
confrontation, they should interrupt and apologize especially if they are a friend. You
should forgive them. Do not say it doesn't matter! It did