Hell-o From The Underworld!

Women Occupy Hell

In a recent move from the esteemed second circle of Purgatory, some of our more prominent female figures feel as if they've been World Cup Finals: deemed an unjust fate. The Dogs Bite Harder! Led by Helen of Troy and Friday July 13th the World Cup Cleopatra , the Unfaithful lovers will Finals end in an upset! The Game march on Satan's realm and demand started on a good note, the pigs some recompense for their hasty picked up another player just a week banishment to purgatory. ago, Beckham is finally dead and has Starting February 14th the come to his rightful place in the 3rd leaders of our strike will meet with circle of purgatory. (though some still Satan and the wronged men so think that lust would have a been a prominent in these females mortal better option.) Not that it helped lives. them much. In an exclusive interview with The 1st half ended 1-0 in favor Helen of Troy she revealed the basis of the dogs after Beckham being of their stand on civil rights for lustful distracted by Lindsay Lohan, let in a women The men whom we loved PK (penalty kick). The 2nd half ended never treated us like we had an equal with the Dogs 4-1. footing in whatever twisted Talking with the manager of the relationship they had going on in Dogs, Mr. Cerebrus Wolfe. I got the their minds Helen said, They inside scoop on how he felt the game merely treated us like property, just went. We played our best and I felt objects to be used, who could blame like my team played well and i'm us for wanting more? proud of them all, Said Cerebrus, I As the women continue their only hope Satan enjoyed the game debate with the Lord of Darkness we we played will continue to to keep you updated The Dogs next step in to play on the situation. Who will win? Our the archangels, limbo's #1 Team, and Noble women? Or their men? hope to make it to the all-star game
-Jane Austen, Circle 1, Limbo

with the apostles. Ciaccos, the team captain of the Pigs, refused to offer comment, but we saw him leaving the field in a fit of rage, I guess someone forgot to tell him, Hell's no walk in the park! More to come next week on the

Hell-o From The Underworld!

womens swim meet in circle 7! It'll be greener Hell! bloody brilliant
-Henry David Thoreau, Circle 6, Heresy -John Huey, Circle 4, Avarice -Letter From the Editor: With each passing day my sources and writers bring me fantastic information and stories from the realm of hell! I couldn't do any of this without them. I'd like to especially thank Satan for continuing his advice column, it adds so much life and excitement to our production. I'm excited for our December issue, we're starting a how best to kill Santa segment! Finally Id like to thank our loyal customers for their continuing support! Yours truly, William Shakespeare, Editor in Chief

9th Circle of purgatory thawing: Global Warming reaches Hell!

Emergency warning! The 9th Circle of purgatory is thawing! Judecca is almost completely Ask Satan! submerged! Members of F.E.M.A took up the head of rescue attempts for -Dear Satan, those frozen. If I were to kill my brother, because he slept These victims without speech or with my wife; would I be placed in circle 4 (Greed) or Circle 7 (Violence) sight make it incredibly hard for yours truly, Cheated in California themselves to get rescued. Satan is currently relocating all Dear Cheated, refugees to refugee camps. Most of You're ugly and fat, no wonder your wife cheated, to be honest i'd put you in circle 3 victims of the flood are pleading to go (gluttony). Though I don't see why you care, back to being frozen in despair. The eternally damned is eternally damned! Am I horror of the refugee camps is right? Sincerely Satan inexplicable! We have many cases of suicide, which creates hug problems in the department of immigration in Dear Prince of Darkness. I was in Jim Jones cult and I was wondering the 7th circle of purgatory. if I would be put in circle 7 for suicide? Or if Scientist are working on a cause I was ignorant of the poison, just solution, they think the predominant limbo? Sincerely, Killed By Kool-aid cause is the abundance of fire and methane throughout the various circles of purgatory but Satan won't Dear Kool-aid Man (oh yeah) hear of alternative torture sources. A You're a complete dolt! To answer your question I think i'd put you in limbo... you man named Dante from the dark seem to benign for circle 7! wood is rallying support for a

Hell-o From The Underworld!

But you should give me Jimmy's number, I wanna drop him a line, seems like a cool guy! With Love, Satan.

Dear Lucifer,
Heaven is boring me, I mean honestly endless paradise? Not as much fun as it sounds? I heard you had a spot open for a secretary, I was wondering what kind of work that entails and what kind of benefits you offer? Thanks, Soul for Sale

Dear Soul,

I'd love to offer you the position, but I'm having trouble getting a hold of your references, It keeps saying gods number is disconnected, though maybe he's just ignoring me. I'd like to set up an interview for Saturday to talk things over, can we say Starbucks in the dark wood? Sincerely Satan