1

Where do you go on vacation,

if you aIready Iive in Paradise?
Charlie Munns
London
UK
Where The Truk Am I?







ontents
ntroduction......................................................................................................................................... 4
%ell Me Something Don't Know .......................................................................................................... 4
Chapter 1 ........................................................................................................................................... 6
Do-Re-Mi ............................................................................................................................................ 6
Chapter ......................................................................................................................................... 13
A %ime for Change ............................................................................................................................ 13
Chapter 3 ......................................................................................................................................... 18
Contractually Obliged ........................................................................................................................ 18
Chapter 4 ......................................................................................................................................... 4
Amazing %hailand ............................................................................................................................. 4
Chapter 5 .........................................................................................................................................
oing Down, etting Wet ..................................................................................................................
Chapter 6 ......................................................................................................................................... 35
Partying Like a Lady Boy on Heat ...................................................................................................... 35
Chapter ......................................................................................................................................... 40
Magic Pants ...................................................................................................................................... 40
Chapter 8 ......................................................................................................................................... 43
Love You Long %ime ....................................................................................................................... 43
Chapter 9 ......................................................................................................................................... 46
No Mr. Bond, Expect You %o Die! .................................................................................................... 46
Chapter 10 ....................................................................................................................................... 49
Did Ever %ell You %he %ime Was Deported? .................................................................................. 49
Chapter 11 ....................................................................................................................................... 53
%ake A Deep Breath, We're oing n ................................................................................................. 53
Chapter 1 ....................................................................................................................................... 59
And Now For Something Completely Different. ................................................................................ 59
Chapter 13 ....................................................................................................................................... 63
oing Dutch ..................................................................................................................................... 63
Chapter 14 ....................................................................................................................................... 6
ust When You %hink t's All oing So Well. .................................................................................... 6
Chapter 15 ....................................................................................................................................... 0
Eat, Sleep, Drink And Dive ................................................................................................................ 0
Chapter 16 ....................................................................................................................................... 4
Regrets, 've Had A Few ................................................................................................................... 4
Chapter 1 .......................................................................................................................................
Ever %aken A Shower On A %aiwanese Fishing Boat? .......................................................................
Chapter 18 ....................................................................................................................................... 9
Small slands, Little People ............................................................................................................... 9
Chapter 19 ....................................................................................................................................... 83
%sunami ........................................................................................................................................... 83
Chapter 0 ....................................................................................................................................... 85
Parrot Heads And oing Nuts ........................................................................................................... 85
Chapter 1 ....................................................................................................................................... 88
What Sort Of Cruise s %his? ............................................................................................................. 88
Chapter ....................................................................................................................................... 91
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Come On Son. %ake Me f You're Hard Enough! ................................................................................ 91
Chapter 3 ....................................................................................................................................... 96
s t A Cloud? s t A Boat? What %he Hell s %hat?............................................................................. 96
Chapter 4 ....................................................................................................................................... 98
t's ust Not Cricket ........................................................................................................................... 98
Chapter 5 ..................................................................................................................................... 10
You Know t's %ime %o Leave When A Date s Not A Date ............................................................... 10
Chapter 6 ..................................................................................................................................... 106
Not Quite On %he FedEx Map ......................................................................................................... 106
Chapter ..................................................................................................................................... 111
%oads Stop Play n Micronesia ........................................................................................................ 111
Chapter 8 ..................................................................................................................................... 115
Where %he %ruk Am ? .................................................................................................................... 115
Chapter 9 ..................................................................................................................................... 11
When s A Boat Not A Boat, But A Wreck?....................................................................................... 11
Chapter 30 ..................................................................................................................................... 15
"f You Want %o Run From %he Law, ust Hide n A Pothole ............................................................ 15
Chapter 31 ..................................................................................................................................... 18
All Alone, Surrounded By People ..................................................................................................... 18
Chapter 3 ..................................................................................................................................... 131
A Week n %he Life Of A Diving nstructor ........................................................................................ 131
Chapter 33 ..................................................................................................................................... 143
%he ood. .................................................................................................................................... 143
Chapter 34 ..................................................................................................................................... 151
%he Bad. ...................................................................................................................................... 151
Chapter 35 ..................................................................................................................................... 156
Fuck Me %hat Hurts. ..................................................................................................................... 156
Chapter 36 ..................................................................................................................................... 160
%echnically Speaking ...................................................................................................................... 160
Chapter 3 ..................................................................................................................................... 163
'Being Bent' Has More %han One Meaning ...................................................................................... 163
Chapter 38 ..................................................................................................................................... 169
Worlds reatest Wreck Diving Destination ....................................................................................... 169
Chapter 39 ..................................................................................................................................... 16
%he Delicate Side Of Chuuk ............................................................................................................ 16
Chapter 40 ..................................................................................................................................... 18
Where Do You o On Vacation, f You Already Live n Paradise? .................................................... 18
Chapter 41 ..................................................................................................................................... 193
Hasta La Vista.. ............................................................................................................................ 193
Chapter 4 ..................................................................................................................................... 199
Shall Stay Or Shall o?............................................................................................................... 199


4

Introduction
TeII Me Something I Don't Know


have attended too many of those first day company induction days and as an attempt to
break the ice, have been asked the very open question,

"Now Charlie, tell us something interesting, something that no one knows about you.

Some people are really dull at this, others very shy. Most go along with the corporate drivel,
trying to make the others envious by describing their crappy company car with shiny alloys or
they were once voted 'Best of Breed' by their previous Boss, before sleeping with them before
getting the push. Some share the fact that they are recovering from all sorts of ailments
really don't want to know about.

Having heard too many miserably offerings, thought would simply put out there, something
a little bit different.

" have webbed feet and oh, have curly chest hair as well.

t was certainly different and attracted more than a snigger or too. At the coffee break, it even
allowed an introduction to the prettiest girl in town and thought, you know what, being (or
saying something) a little bit different has its benefits. Conformity is so one dimensional.

At this point, before you all go off and be ill, may point out it is thought that 1 in 000 births
have Simple Syndactyly or webbed feet. According to oogle, it is a 'failure of separation
during embryological development, usually between the sixth and eighth weeks of intrauterine
life'. Basically, my
nd
and 3
rd
toes on both feet are fused together with a bit of skin. Nothing
terribly dramatic, just something different. am not a duck nor ever been a duck and no, it
does not enhance my swimming ability, as far as know.

'Where the %ruk Am ' is my personal account of chasing the proverbial 'Dream', giving up the
day job, the comfortable lifestyle, the inevitability of a certain happiness, terminal debt and
probably marrying the wrong girl. %he original thought behind this work, was to write it purely
to bore the immediate family and entomb it in the archives along with the inherited silver and
dog portraits. After years of explaining myself to thousands of people along my journey, it
became clear that people are intuitively nosey and love to know what other people have been
up to. %hus the decision to open this out to you all. You can read all about me on the plane,
the train or in bed. Hell you can even take me to the smallest room in the house if you really
want. won't be offended!

%hey say there is a book in each and every one of us and no doubt, that is true. Whether it
ever gets written or is deemed a success by others is a completely different matter. You may
feel you have had to do something exceptional to write about it but this is not the case. s
running up Everest with nothing but a spare pair of boxer shorts and a pot of yogurt any more
exceptional than a Paramedic roaming the streets picking up the pieces after a road traffic
accident? Perhaps, but we are all different and that is what makes us all exceptional. Some
may see me as brave and interesting having done what did, others may see me as coward
who ran away to the sunshine. As with everything in life, we all have the ability to choose.

'Where %he %ruk Am ' has evolved over time. originally thought would like to write it, back
in 00 having received some great feedback from some emails wrote having emigrated to
%hailand. At first, they were mainly aimed at the extended family but because couldn't be
arsed to re-write the same old stories over and over, simply sent the same email to dozens
of people at a time. n some ways, it was blogging before Blogging became mainstream.

As with most things in life, there was one distinct moment when had that 'Eureka' moment
and really began to seriously think about writing this. Having been away for a year or so,
5

returned to London and went to birthday drinks for a friend in Kings Cross. had met SvP
quite by chance a year or so earlier, we remained in contact and when she came to %hailand
a couple of times, we met up for diving and beers. On this particular occasion, SvP introduced
me to her friend and colleague, Clod. We got chatting over a pint and it immediately became
evident that Clod knew me but rather embarrassingly, had no idea who she was. After a
couple of minutes, had to ask if we had met before. Her answer truly surprised and excited
me.

We had not met but she knew all about what had been up to in %hailand. Having sent out the
weekly emails en masse, SvP had systematically forwarded these to a bunch of her
colleagues in the office and Clod was one of these. %hey used to read the emails of a
complete stranger with vigour, allowing them to escape to the sunshine and live the dream
through someone else's words, for just a few minutes of each week. t seemed my lifestyle
was beneficial to more than just me.

Core to this story is perhaps the one true passion have in life and that is being underwater.
Many of us have interests and hobbies. We like to kick a ball about, get the power tools out or
shoot the crap out of something. Having a passion is a little different and to be honest, didn't
even realise had one until it found me. Having a passion is a strong and enthusiastic pulling
towards something. Some may call it a 'Calling'. t is a word mainly associated with sexual
desire and lust but it can be used for anything. Why can't a carpenter be passionate about
getting wood or a Sergeant Major for standing erect? Why can't feel passionate about
getting wet?

Now, some of you may want to bug out and switch off right now, but hope not. Perhaps the
hardest part of writing this book is to try and entertain all of you but how can do this if you
have never been dressed in neoprene or fallen backwards off a boat with a stupid little tank
on your back? For sure, Scuba diving does not appeal to everyone and think that is a good
thing. %oo many good things in life are spoilt when we all want the same. 'm telling you, being
a little bit different can be a good thing.

t is not my intention to make this a technical book about Scuba diving. know people who
can do that far better than can. %here are plenty of books on how to dive, where to dive and
what to see when diving but this is not one of them. You can scan the internet and dive shops
for all that wonderful stuff. %hough the life of a Scuba Diver may have a limited appeal, my
intention is to open up this specialised world to a much wider audience. Hell, let's face it; if
can make this book appeal to more than a dozen sweaty and hairy divers, hopefully can
retire long before the pension (or lack of it) kicks in.

would sincerely like to bring a smile to your face, spark an interest that had perhaps never
been lit and would like to appeal not just to those who know or who have dived with me, but
also to those who perhaps always wanted to live their dreams, but circumstances got in the
way. Having kids tends to be central to this it seems from what can gather. You can probably
tell, don't have kids or a girlfriend.'m a bit sad really.

6

Cbapter
Do-Re-Mi


Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you sing you begin with Do-Re-Mi

Let's face it, you can't read those words without wanting to quietly sing them, no matter your
sexual preference. However, these words seem apt to me because knowing where to start
can be a real sticking point. Don't worry, 'm not about to launch into the 'Sound of Music', nor
do have intentions of either running off to join the Church or look after angelic kids.
always find it funny knowing one of those Angels had a photo shoot with Playboy.

Born in 19, am the youngest of 3 boys. feel so sorry for my parents. Can you imagine the
hell we brought to the house in Yorkshire? For starters, was a complete bastard, there can
be no denying. n my defence, being the youngest, had to toughen up mighty fast. My
brothers, Andy and %im were hardly 'butter won't melt in their mouthes' little darlings but being
older, they seemed to get all the cream. just got third hand clothes. By most standards,
hardly had it tough (private school and loving parents) but that didn't seem to register when
you only have a black and white %V and holidays were in Wales and Cornwall. We all worked
hard for what we had. was at school 6 days a week and went out to work from the age of 10.
t was hardly 'down pit with a shovel and a smile' but it was on a pig and chicken farm which
was almost as bad. could probably write a book about farrowing and castrating pigs. You
don't know the meaning of smell until you have mucked out battery hens and find one that
had died a couple of weeks earlier.

By the way, my parents are not known as Mother and Father, Mum & Dad or even Mater and
Pater. %hey are known as Chuck and affer. t's as simple as that. Chuck is the slang term
for the 'Mother Hen' and affer is '%he Boss' so it suits them. All my cards and presents are
signed in that way, so they love it as much as we do. n fact, it is not uncommon to have a
card from each other them, as if they are divorced or living in separate wings of the Estate!

first learned to swim when was a tiny bastard, with a teacher called Mr. Ruffley. %he bit
remember most about him were his tattoos, the first time had seen them. Apparently on my
first lesson wasn't all that keen to leave the shallow end of the pool but my second lesson
was a little better from all accounts. A week later, and a being older and wiser, there was no
stopping me. %he deep end seemed to hold no worries for me and apparently wouldn't leave
it. had found my first true love and was only 4. cannot thank Chuck and the affer enough
for chucking me in at that time in my life. have had a love affair with water ever since.

was a far better swimmer than most of my age group and was soon able to take on and beat
my brothers. inherited that trait from the affer who having growing up in Dover, used to
swim in the harbour and out to the sea wall, years before it got so busy with the cross channel
ferries etc. took all the Life Saving swimming tests, not so much for the badges and
certificates, but because the affer would reward me with a box of Smarties! swam for my
school in all age groups and was pretty good at it, constantly beating the school records.
was a sporty kid and was Captain for the Rugby, Cricket, Football and Swim teams, though
think it all peaked when hit 14.

was about 8 when became really aware of diving but it wasn't really because of the old
acques Cousteau stuff on the black and white telly. Nor was it 'Sea Hunt' with Lloyd Bridges
or the 'Man From Atlantis'. Bizarrely enough, it was at a charity jumble sale for the NSPCC
(%he National Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children). Chuck was the Chair of


the local branch in York and as such, held an annual jumble sale in the village. %he locals
donated their smelly old stuff and the proceeds went to the NSPCC charity.

attended school on Saturdays and was still in my school uniform (jacket and shorts, shirt and
tie) as rummaged through the old books and magazines, eventually coming across a rich
vein that caught my eye. n addition to the Beano and the Dandy comic books, also found
about a dozen or so Diver magazines. don't know what caught my attention but these mags
just 'spoke' to me and took the whole lot. %he comics were great to take to school and share
with my friends, but the Diver magazines were fascinating to read at home. %here were lots of
pictures of balding men and hairy women wearing all sorts of thick rubber and looking at all
kinds of weird creatures. had never seen anything like it and was instantly hooked. really
was.

My eldest brother Andy is more than 5 years older than me (he always has been) and
remember when he learned to dive in the indoor school pool. %he school Maths teacher,
Piggy Hawkes, was also a British Sub Aqua (BSAC) nstructor. couldn't wait to learn and
was so envious but could only watch as he went on trips to Cumbria and the local rivers. find
it hard to explain even to this day why was so fascinated. Something intrigued me. t was
almost my 'Calling' even if was only about 11 at the time. Unfortunately by the time was
16, Piggy Hawkes had left the school and lost my opportunity to learn. Scarborough was
only 45 miles from where we lived on the outskirts of York but it may as well been 1 million
miles. was still at school 6 days a week and worked on the village farm every Sunday and
throughout the school holidays. really had no time for such luxuries.

By the time was 1, intended to hitch hike to the South of France with a school friend, just
for the hell of it. Come to think of it, am not sure what made us want to make such as trip but
when this fell through, Chuck and the affer made me a surprising offer. f was prepared to
stump up the equivalent cash for the aborted French trip, they would find the balance and
send me on an Outward Bound course in Ullswater, Cumbria. think they were really
determined to get rid of me for the summer but what the hell, it sounded great.

My trip to Ullswater was the first opportunity had been away from home by myself for any
length of time. %he train journey was an adventure in itself, taking about 3 trains before
reaching the little Cumbrian station and was duly hauled off to the Centre. was a fresh faced
kid, suddenly sharing a dorm room with a bunch of strangers who were from very different
backgrounds to me. We were from different schools, different colours and a couple of the
guys had been paid for by the Army as part of their development. Having been at a boys
school all my life, apart from my cousins, it was also my first real introduction to girls. was
now an Adolescent and nnocent Bastard. Outward Bound was a 0 day course, designed as
a Personal Development and Leadership exercise and would whole heartedly agree with
this. ust meeting and working with other people was an eye opener in itself. have always
been an outdoor person and always enjoy physical and mental challenges but my time at
Ullswater really pushed me to consider who was as a person.

loved every challenge Outward Bound could throw at me. knew was fit and pretty fearless
so the physical aspect was pretty straight forward. was working both as an individual and as
a team in new challenges and exercises and have to say, excelled at it. loved the high
rope assault courses, the map reading and orientation, the 'let's get to build a raft and paddle
across the lake' and then the extensive hikes we made. would have made a good Military
man think and really should have pushed more to join the Royal Marines. %hat is one true
regret have to this day. Perhaps the exercise learned the greatest from was a 4 hour solo
camp. Blind folded, bundled into a van and driven out in to the countryside, it sounds a little
bit like being abducted in Northern reland. When the van stopped, was marched up a hill
and told (in a non-rish accent) that this small patch of land is where would stay for 4 hours.
From then onwards, it was pretty much up to me. Okey Dokey. %his could be fun.

was allowed a few objects with me; clothes, sleeping bag, a large plastic bag, onion, cheese,
potato, egg, drinking water and some basic cooking facilities. n addition, my luxuries were a
pen and paper. No mobile phone (well this was 198). No radio or %V. Not even a watch. A
small patch of land on a hill with a stream running through it. Oh and was surrounded by
sheep. dug into the hillside and made a crude camp but at least this would allow me to keep
8

my head out the rain. Once dug in, got some food and water down my neck, scratched my
arse a couple of times and then sat about contemplating my naval. Because it was mid-way
into the 0 day course, had already learned a lot and so had a lot to think about and
therefore a lot to write about. For the first (and only time) even attempted to write a poem. t
was so crap, it seemed appropriate to read and then feed it to the sheep. found the hardest
part of that exercise was being unable to judge time. Since the age of 8, have always worn a
watch. gain comfort in knowing the time of day. Suddenly, only had the elements to assist
me and the sheep weren't much use. t was also cloudy, so the sun was not out either, not
that that would really have helped me. was hardly Sir Ranulph Fiennes (arguably one of the
reatest Britons). slept a lot because was so bloody tired but also know woke up far
earlier than had wanted and then just sat around chucking stones at sheep.

%hough grateful that someone bothered to pick me up, really enjoyed this time to myself.
have always enjoyed being by myself, what call 'Charlie %ime'. Some people hate being
alone, something find sad actually. just tend to be very comfortable with who am and what
can achieve. have been able to push myself on many occasions throughout life and have
yet to come a cropper. For sure, have made an arse of myself and have made mistakes, but
who hasn't? f you haven't, are you actually alive? have some very good and genuine friends
but am also comfortable to be by myself from time to time. From an early age, just knew it
took a lot to rattle me.

After the 4 hour solo camp, was quietly chuffed to bits when was elected by the team to
lead the final phase of the course, a 3 day, night hike across the Lake District. Following a
map, we were tasked with covering about 50 miles, up and down mountain sides, signing in at
a number of check points along the way to verify the fact that we had covered the terrain.
Sounds fair enough. Besides, what could possibly go wrong?

%he first day was fine. We followed the map, had a pint in a pub and duly found the place we
were allocated to camp. For safety reasons, if at any time we needed help, the signal was to
hang a towel on the tent and someone from the Outward Bound Centre would come and
check up on us. t rained that first night..

t well and truly pissed it down all night. By 06.30, we knew we had to make a decision. Either
sit in the tent (which was getting wetter by the second) or bite the bullet and pack up, knowing
we were all going to get soaked by doing so. %hankfully the team opted for the latter and we
packed up in double time.

Hiking in the rain was quite a giggle at first. No one wanted to be the weak link, so we pushed
on. My team was made of 3 boys and 3 girls. A couple of us were fit, a couple were not. t did
not stop raining at all that day. By mid-day, we had hit our scheduled check points but the
weather was getting serious. Our route was meant to lead us up hill and down dale but
began to have my doubts as to whether this was such a good idea. remember lunch time
well. We stopped beside a stream and according to the map, about 100m from a small bridge.
As we all sat and tucked into our soggy sarnies, started to study the map in closer detail.
Scanning the hillside around and the valley floor below, realised that we were not actually
meant to be besides a stream, it should be path. went to look for the little bridge further
ahead. Yes, it was there. %hat was good. What was not so good was that we actually had to
wade across this stream to reach the bridge and cross what was meant to be the stream.
headed back to the others and passed on the news. %he path had become a stream, the
small stream had become a river and could see the river in the valley floor was looking more
like a raging torrent. We were in for a long day.

As the day progressed, we all felt pretty crap but no one could really moan, nor did they want
to. came out with the old clich that 'One day we will all look back on this and laugh' but this
was met with little more than a huff. t was true actually, but it took a few years. As a group,
we decided the original plan of hiking up the hill sides to check-in was not such a good idea,
so we opted to keep to the core, follow the principal route and make camp in the allocated
spot, a few miles down the valley. For the most part, we were in good spirits which was just
as well as we were about to be really tested.

9

As we plodded down the sodden valley, it became evident we would eventually have to cross
the river, which was now this raging torrent. %here was no bridge and no where else for us to
go. must admit, was not a happy bunny at this point. Along with Colin, one of the other
guys in my team (who was a helicopter mechanic for the Army Air Corps), we stepped into the
water and made our way across. %he water was bitterly cold and shockingly powerful. t took
considerable time and effort just to tip toe to the other side about 0m away. Dumping our kit
on the far side, we waded back into the river. We decided to remain in the water and try to
help the other 4 members across. Actually, opted to stay about 5m down stream of Colin, for
the 'holy shit, just in case' scenario. One by one, Colin was great at helping the others, slowly
but surely. ust as it all seemed to be going to plan, one of the girls had problems. Being
smaller and lighter than the rest of us, Becca was unable to stand so strongly in the water and
before we knew it, slipped. Colin made a grab for her but it was too late. She was swept
away, right into me. will never forget the look of terror on her face. t was probably mirrored
in mine. %hough the water was less than a meter deep, it was fast and very powerful. She
came at me feet first, arms flaying. knew had to grab her or the consequences would not
have been pretty.

hit her hand with mine and with an almighty pull, lifted her almost clean out of the water and
onto her feet. Before she even knew what was happening, we managed to get her to the
other side and onto the waterlogged river bank. Needless to say she was freezing cold and
shivering with the onset of hypothermia within sight. We were all in a crappy state. Even my
nuts were cold which for any man, is not a good thing! Every bag was wet and all the clothes
were soaked. %here was not a lot we could all do apart from strip off what we could and
change into something a little less saturated. %he options were limited to say the least.

We were only about km (1. miles) from the allocated camp and arrived to find another
team were already there. %hey too had opted not to do the check points but just head to
camp. %he camping ground was waterlogged and we could see their tents were wallowing in
sodden ground. %hey were in a crap condition too. %here and then, made a decision which
was not questioned. We would not be camping here tonight. %here was a farm further on
down the valley and we would head for it. %he problem was, it was starting to get dark and the
farm was still a few hours away but hey, what was the alternative? was open to suggestions
but didn't hear any. We knew our packs and kit were pretty useless in keeping us dry and
sheltered. t was still raining and had been doing so for well over 14 hours.

Eventually we hit the farm house and in what can only describe as being like a passage from
the Bible, knocked on the door and asked if there was any room at the inn. We must have
looked like a right Royal bundle of crap to poor old Farmer iles. 6 teenagers, frozen to the
core and soaking wet. Not surprisingly, he took one look at us and thought better of letting us
sit in his front room, watching his telly with a nice hot mug of cocoa. He could not
accommodate us in the house but we were allowed to take up residence in his lowly cattle
shed, freshly mucked out that very morning no less. Beggars can't be choosers and all that
and can honestly say we were happy as 'pigs in shit', though this was actually cow shit we
were settling down on.

Rummaging around for what clothes were still reasonably dry and going against the good old
Scouting code, we managed to light one of the burners to boil some water. found some
coins having seen a public phone box near to the farm and wandered off to call the Outward
Bound base. %o be honest, thought they would be more than a little miffed we had not only
opted to miss the check points but had also chosen to camp somewhere else. However,
nothing could be further from the truth. %he guy on the other end was just so grateful that we
had called in and report we were all safe. %hey were really worried as other groups were 'lost'
out there. We had only seen one other group at the soggy camp site so that was all could
update him with. was shocked to learn that day had been the wettest day in the Lake District
for 14 years (which is saying something assure you). Various search and rescue teams had
been out all day trying to find lost hikers and people who had fallen off mountains.

Back in the cow shed, think we had 3 dry-ish sleeping bags between us. Being the arse that
am at times, as pulled my sleeping bag out, managed to knock over the cooking fire and
spill its alcohol fuel all over the place, most of it on the foot of my own sleeping bag. Oh if you
could have seen the look on all of our faces as the little flame took hold. Luckily everything
10

that had close to hand was wet, so just chucked it all on the flame and it died down. Or so
thought. %he problem was, there was still a tiny flame under the burner, presumably feeding
off the methane from the cow shit. %his reignited the alcohol which was on my sleeping bag
and before knew it, had burned a hole right through the foot. t was an exciting end to an
interesting day. t took a while to laugh at it, but it is certainly one that remember with
fondness. t taught me a lot, about leadership under challenging conditions and about working
together as a team. t is amazing what a team can achieve as long as they stick together.

Fast forwarding to the back end of 001, made a decision that changed my life. had an
insignificant career and recently had a couple of girlfriends who were lovely but not '%he One'.
was also afraid was getting stuck in a rut of driving a nice car, week-end golf, annual skiing
and spending way too much time and money in the pub. was putting on weight, getting unfit,
was probably going to marry the wrong girl and wake up to myself when it was all too late.
got it into my head needed to do something 'different'.

was never really in sync with the philosophy of get a job, get married, have kids and pay off
the large mortgage for the rest of your life, but that seems to be what is expected of anyone
sensible. Anything else is insignificant. As the youngest of 3 brothers, was always in their
shadows but don't really mean this in a derogatory way, that's just the way it was. Perhaps
there was room for individuality but it didn't feel like that. am from a very traditional
background, perhaps privileged in some ways. went to a nice school with nice people and
there was always food on the table. However, it was at the sacrifice of many other things. We
didn't have the fancy holidays or the latest clothes. Hell, we only got a colour %V in 1981 and
that was only because Charles married Diana. t took another 10 years and for the 3 kids to
have flown the nest before the VCR showed up. owe my parents a huge amount for what
they sacrificed for us.

am sure there is a time for everyone when they begin to realise who they are and perhaps
where life is taking them. For some it is to be an Artist or a Musician, perhaps a Politician or
ay. Both if they strike it lucky! Fear not, am neither of these. Having said that, there are
some distinct moments in my life realise had a profound impact on who am today and the
way think.

One such amazing time of my life was my gap year trip to Australia. t was a true eye opener
and one that draw a great deal of experience from. t had been my wish for many years
(though was barely 19 at the time) to go to Oz and get up to all kinds of shenanigans. No
one from school wanted to do this and to be honest, didn't really want to go with anyone
knew; wanted to be my own person. Having grown up and gone to the same school as my
brothers, was known as the '%hird Munnsy'. Now was my time to develop my own identity.

Having worked on a pig and chicken farm in the village since the age of 1, was not afraid of
hard work and liked the cash, though had no time to actually spend it. As soon as finished
school in the summer of 1990, was determined to take a ap Year before heading to Uni in
S.W. London where had a place at Roehampton to study Business Studies and French. %o
fund my trip, would need cash but the farm worked on had been sold and moved out of the
village. ended up packing shelves at the local B&Q in York. Not the ideal start, but it was
OK. worked from 18:00 to :00 but the hours were not enough. Occasionally would do an
'all nighter' if needed, which was better but still not enough. started to look elsewhere and
found a job at a new 10-pin bowling alley. t was fun, it was OK pay and was able to work as
many hours as wanted. With my school friends all at Uni, had no social life but the upside
was it allowed me to save as much as could. After months of working and saving, one day
the affer simply asked when was going to leave for Oz. booked the flight that day and
was in Perth 10 days later.

Prior to leaving, my randmother gave me some advice. %o be honest the only part of the
conversation remember was, "Now, you won't do anything stupid will you, like Scuba Diving
or Bungee umping?

Well, that was No. 1 & of my list of things to do, so pretty much ignored the whole
conversation. Sorry ranny.

11

n 1991, leaned to dive when was in Airlie Beach, Queensland. had initially thought
would take the course in Cairns, but as was buying a new mask in the ProDivers shop,
bumped into a fellow backpacker had met a few days earlier and because he was about to
do the course, signed up too. Looking back on it, it never occurred to me that wasn't go to
enjoy diving and it certainly never occurred to me wasn't going to be any good at it. have
always felt a natural affinity to the water and it was simply an extension of who am. can
fully understand how some people hate the water or have had bad experiences and gain no
pleasure from it. Different cultures around the world view it in many different ways. Most
people in the West tend to see water as a place of leisure; to swim, to bathe, to sail, snorkel,
dive etc. Others view it as a place to hunt, not for fun, but for survival. Some view it as a place
of work, maybe even a place of worship. We are all different.

Before could officially join the PAD Open Water course, had to complete a medical with
the local Doc. n Australia, it was not sufficient to rack up to the dive shop with a note from
your mum saying you'll be fine but perhaps you get a little asthma when the sun don't shine.
Australia has fairly strict rules and so it is only fair to obey them if you actually want to achieve
anything. After the obligatory latex glove, a cough and a prod, was deemed mad enough to
consider taking the class.

%he Open Water course is the entry level in to diving to some extent. %here are many
different agencies worldwide, all with a slight variation on the same theme to teach people the
basics in diving. For sure, stick a regulator in your mouth, breathe and get underwater is
about as basic as you can get, but the Open Water course attempts to educate the student in
a way that not only keeps them alive but also those around them. t also engages them in
diving and not to stop being engaged. have completed all but my technical qualifications
through PAD. cannot say they are the best agency out there, but they do dominate and they
are on top of things. However, in an attempt to try and get more and more people to dive, it
would be fair to say that the general standard of requirements is dropping and so therefore,
the general standard of divers is falling as well.

%he good thing about diving is that from the very beginning you are never alone and you have
to complete at least a minimum amount of training before you are certified. love to ski as well
but it is frightening to think that anyone can chuck on a pair of skis and throw themselves
down a mountain, and they often do. So many accidents occur because skiers do not
necessarily know what they are doing or have little understanding of the environment in which
they are in. ust because you fly in to the airport and get dropped off at chalet, does not make
you a man of the mountains. Same goes for diving, but at least everyone has had some
degree of education and training to try and pre-empt any problems.

loved my Open Water course. remember my nstructor was a Kiwi. He was tanned and
funny and obviously loved what he did. We spent mornings in the classroom and afternoons
in the pool for the first few days. %he theory was pretty straight forward as far as was
concerned and the pool work was just great fun. %he feeling of being underwater and
breathing, weightless and without a care in the world was just magical to me. Classroom
completed, another part of the course was to endure the hardship of a dive liveaboard boat
and sail out into the deep blue yonder, well the Coral Sea anyway.

%he Open Water course that all newbies go through is split into 3 parts. %he %heory (done in
the classroom), the Confined Water (done in a pool or swimming pool conditions off a beach
etc with a depth where you can stand up in) and then the Open Water, done in sea or lake etc
but with a depth of up to 18m (60 ft). As you can imagine, being on a boat in the Coral Sea
was an adventure in itself. Being told we had to dive on the reat Barrier Reef or fail the
course was not exactly a chore.

As part of that course, remember seeing my first wild sharks. OK, so they were only small
White %ips but was instantly hooked. %heir beauty and elegance is something that remains
with me to this day. Much like a Lion or %iger, they are the epitome of power yet can't help
being drawn towards them, no matter their size or dietary requirements.

Following the completion of the Open Water course, continued North to Cairns and took my
Advanced Open water course, again on a liveaboard out on the reat Barrier Reef. n fact it
1

was a little bit more exciting than that, as first we had to fly up to Lizard sland and meet the
Nimrod boat. n addition to the 5 required training dives for the course, had a great old time
with the Crew and the rest of the guests, 4 apanese, 3 Australians, a lovely American girl
and me. n addition to the obligatory 30m (100ft) deep dive, also had to complete the
Underwater Navigation, which was a complete abomination can tell you. Swimming in a
straight line in open water is not as easy as it seems and trying to then make this into a
square with little reference above or below you is a trifle complicated. Needless to say, on my
first occasion, made a complete hash of it, but managed to scrape home on the second time
of asking. also got to see a wild Wobbegong shark, which was nice.

Perhaps the most memorable dive we made on that trip was to Cod Hole on the Ribbon Reef.
Famous for its residents, got up close and personal with some very large Potato Cod (also
known as rouper or ew fish depending on where you are from) and Moray eels. From what
gather (like so many things in life) it is banned now, but we were hand feeding these gentle
giants. Much like the ones you can dive with today (or see on You%ube), they were very
inquisitive and always hungry. remember holding my arm out straight with some food and
just like had been briefed, this huge Cod not only sucked up the food was holding but also
my entire arm. Before knew it, was up to my elbow in the mouth of this bugger. Our eyes
met like magnets across the dance floor and like many of the girls have met along my
journey, was promptly spat back out again.



13

hapter 2
A Time for hange


Surely there comes a time in everyone's life when you have to make a decision. Occasionally
it is a pretty radical decision, one that may literally be life-changing. Sometimes it is a
professional decision, other times it is personal. What could be more life changing than
getting married or bigger still, having a family?

didn't really dive much for the next ten years, which seems pretty inexplicable now, even to
me. t seemed that no one knew dived either. %hey all preferred the ski piste, so did that
too and loved it. By far the best skiing have ever done was in Colorado. %he snow was
perfect, the bowls of Vail are magical and perhaps best of all, it was a damn site quieter and
cheaper than the major European resorts. have to say, the Americans were also very
accommodating and genuinely happy to see 3 Brits had bothered to come all that way to see
them.

After graduation, lived in Fulham, Putney and Holland Park, London with my girlfriend of 5
years, Kamilla. We spent holidays together in France, the reek islands and a fantastic fly
drive from Vancouver to Scottsdale, Arizona. When that all came to a sad end, took solace
with my male mates from Uni and went and 'gave it large' in Ayia Napa, a once sleepy fishing
village in Cyprus. Hard to imagine it now, but we were out clubbing till dawn, night after night
for a week and still managed to hit the beach by 11:00, in an effort to sweat out the remaining
alcohol.

For a little while, my career or certainly my job, looked to be heading in the right direction. t
was great fun, especially when was involved in the dot com industry, initially working for a
new start up company called EFDEX, the Electronic Food and Drink Exchange. Basically, it
was electronically linking buyers and suppliers together, allowing them to instantly find new
products and suppliers. n theory it all made sense. Who wouldn't want to buy the cheapest
can of Coke they could find or find a new supplier when the situation arose? As you can
imagine, there were a couple of problems with the theory. %he main one is that when you are
a hotelier or restaurateur and want to buy fresh produce, the Chef generally wants to look,
feel and touch the produce beforehand. Buying the finest quality fish or fresh cheese is not
like sourcing a brand of drink which tends to be the same quality, every time and every where.

t also didn't help that EFDEX was actually being run by a crook and mean that in the literal
sense. %he guy who set it up was actually jailed for VA% fraud in une 009 which does not
surprise me in the slightest. Of course, it is really only after the event that you become aware
of the complete shit you have been working for, but certainly EFDEX was a 43m flop and a
lot of people suffered as a result. From my point of view, OK, lost about 3 months of salary
and was pissed off with someone for a while but it also taught me to be somewhat self reliant
and not to get caught up in rhetoric and the latest fashions. f you see the way dress, you
should be able to tell this!

Having 'left' EFDEX, moved from e-Commerce in to e-Learning which made sense for me,
as had prior experience of developing corporate training. My new company was
KnowledgePool, in Old Windsor just outside London. My office was great and knew it was
going to be fun when racked up to the interview and had to drive around the golf course to
get to the grand old entrance to the main building, a large stately home called Beaumont
House. Soon after started work, could tell things were not quite as good as first thought.
For starters, no one was really winning any decent business in e-Learning. We had a little
revenue here and there but nothing really to write home about. Fair enough, e-Learning was
still very much in its infancy and besides, KnowledgePool had been built around a more solid
business case of face-to-face training and conferences.

made a couple of friends at work, one of whom was Keith. really liked Keith. He was
married with a young daughter at the time. We got on well and shared some nice long
14

lunches as we tried to work out what was going on with the company as a whole. Keith was a
diver and our conversations got the old juices flowing again.

On one particular day, the rumours began to spread that something was up with the
hierarchy. Certainly the Chairman's ag was absent, though the Fat Controller (the CEO) was
still hanging around. really can't remember his name, such was his impact, but remember
he was an ugly bloke with a big belly, thick bottle glasses and was Welsh. Low and behold, a
management meeting was called and got to wander along with my Director and the rest of
the e-Learning gang. n one minute, the rumour was confirmed. %he Chairman was gone, Fat
Bastard was in charge and what was more, e-Learning was 'it'.

wasn't entirely sure what that meant at first, but basically the company was withdrawing its
resources from the bread and butter business and intended to push ahead with e-Learning.
Fair enough, sounds like a good plan, however the timing was nowhere near right. Even
knew that. My Director certainly knew that. Even the milkman probably had a good idea that
the time was not right, but Fatty was adamant. With immediate effect, e-Learning took
precedent over everything else. %he fact that the e-Learning side of the business had only
been launched the year before and the fact that we were struggling to nail down a large client
who was prepared to shift their 3m training contract from classroom based face-to-face
training into this new e-Learning concept, apparently didn't seem to be worth worrying about.

So, in one quick meeting, the company was doomed. Doomed tell ya! %ime to have a long
lunch. All those concerned in the e-Learning division thought the future of training was in the
electronic format but it was not going to happen overnight and anyone who thought otherwise,
was in for a surprise. When training people, we are all different. Some are visual learners,
others are auditory. Some need time and space, some the benefit of others around them to
help them along. Companies, well some companies, are great at developing their most
important resource and what is the point in attempting to train people if that methodology is
not the right one? Basically, you risk wasting time and money.

By the summer of 001, knew had to get back in the water again. had bought a flat in SW
London along with my best mate %ink and persuaded him that he should come to the Red
Sea with me. Because he had never dived before, he did the theory part at home in advance.
%his basically meant watching the videos and reading the book, ahead of flying out to that
diving 'Mecca', Sharm El Sheikh. have only ever been to Sharm once and for the time being,
that is enough. t is the hub of Red Sea diving because it is so accessible for all of Europe
and can appreciate this but therein lies the rub. %oo many people in one small area does not
bode well, especially if it is not managed properly. t has grown from sleepy villages on the
edge of the Egyptian desert, in the shadow of Mount Sinai into an international resort.

n addition to thousands of overweight sun seekers, Sharm is even used as the meeting place
for the sraelis, Palestinians and Americans to sort out their differences. Perhaps Hillary
Clinton likes to get down and dirty when no one is watching. hear Bill liked that bit but who
am to judge? More recently, it was thrown back into the spotlight for a series of shark
attacks. %he authorities were quick to catch a couple of sharks and declare World Peace. %ell
that to the elderly tourist who was eaten 4 hours later. Fished out waters and an Australian
ship chucking sheep carcasses overboard are thought to blame.

Sharm is famous for diving, snorkelling and fat Europeans in banana hammock Speedos
kicking the crap out of the coral. n fact, it was a good friend of mine, Sash, who made a
simple comment to me one time and have never forgotten it.

'A good friend is one who will never allow you to wear Speedos'.

was once a fan of Speedos as am sure all competitive swimmers were. However, in my
defence, was only 8 at the time and haven't worn the skimpy things since. %he World has
progressed hasn't it? We have electricity now. We have iPads, Starbucks and Sushi
restaurants on every street (don't get me started). However, some men need to move with the
times. Speedos belong no where else apart from in, or about to dive into, a competitive
swimming pool. Wearing them for a walk in the grounds of a hotel or through the reception
area or anywhere further than an arms distance from a pool is just wrong. t really is. n a way
15

the same applies to women. love women. However, there is a time and place for everyone to
get naked or to strut their 'thang'. Again remember a phrase from many years ago that still
applies to this day. t was to do with going topless or generally showing a bit of flesh.

'%hose who should, don't and those who shouldn't, do'.

%oo true. Why is it that a fat and hairy or a fat and balding bloke who hasn't seen his meat
and veg in years, wants to show the world what he is made of? Likewise, why is it that a
woman from the 'Weebles Wobble but they don't fall down' era, thinks it's fine to wobble down
to the pool, bounce about on the spring board and basically show us her lovin'? s this unfair,
probably but no one is reading this anyway so what does it matter?

%ink loved learning to dive which was great for me as well. While he was in class with some
people who were far more attractive than those was diving with, was on one of the many
day boats, messing about on the famous reefs surrounding Sharm. As it turns out, my dive
guide for the week went to the same school as %ink and for the first couple of days, A.. and
dived the local sites. Having not really been in the water for several years, was more than
happy to take it as it came, nothing too dramatic at this stage. During the surface intervals, we
chatted about the industry, how he felt about being an nstructor, the money he could earn
etc. Because of the calamity that could see unfolding at work, had already begun to think
about a career change into diving and so was keen to hear his views on what the lifestyle
was like. For sure, no one is going to get rich as a diving nstructor but that is not the point. t
is a way of life, something different and a damn site more exciting than what was doing at
the time.

After days of training in the pool and open water, %ink was a qualified mess and to my great
surprise and delight, signed straight up for the Advanced Open Water course. %his meant he
had another 5 Adventure dives and more homework to complete. %hough he was still a
student, he was at least qualified and so was able to join him and his new buddies on their
boat for the next couple of days. As they rattled off their required skills, just messed about
along side them. Like a duck to water, was as happy as the proverbial pig in shit. felt so
relaxed and calm, so laisser-faire. My breathing was controlled and stable and my buoyancy
was pretty good too. Whereas some of my buddies were flapping about all over the place,
breathing far too heavily and generally having to head back after 30 minutes of so, was more
than happy to cruise about and take my time, often only surfacing when the obligatory time
was up.

have always been a fish fan, the bigger the better as far as am concerned. Funnily enough,
am not interested in birds of the feathered kind at all. %hey just don't do it for me, the way
that a fish does. Like most divers, also love the colours, the shadows and the light, the
movement of the water. For the most part, underwater remains the most natural environment
on Earth. %here are no buildings, no roads, no human interference. t is largely just you and
the elements. Perhaps that is why enjoy golf so much. t is just me, the club, ball and luck!

Once %ink had finished flapping about with his course, we eventually got to dive together on a
wreck. knew very little about Sharm, its reefs and history but had heard of one wreck in
particular. %he S.S. %histlegorm was perhaps the most famous of the wrecks, one of the best
outside of %ruk Lagoon, somewhere later came to know rather well. Built in 1940 as a cargo
ship, she was drawn into WW in 1941 to serve the war effort. For her final journey, she was
loaded with an assortment of cargo for the Eighth Army in North Africa, along with steam
locomotives, tenders and rolling stock loaded onto her deck. Her voyage took her from
lasgow to South Africa and then up to the Red Sea and it was here she was hit by a
erman Hienkel 111 bomber and sank with the loss of 9 of her Crew as well as the plane that
bombed her, such was the ferocity of the explosion. %o add to their misery the Crew were not
only required to make their own way home to Blighty, but they had their pay stopped as well!
Ahh, the glories of war.

etting there from Sharm takes a while but they don't tend to tell you that in the holiday
brochures. Leaving the dock at 04:00, we arrived on the scene shortly after 0:00 and a truly
glorious sunrise. We were the first boat to tie in but didn't really give this much thought at the
time. We made 3 dives that day. %he %histlegorm sits at a depth of between 18-30m (60-
16

100ft) which is ideal for recreational divers and there was plenty to see. Lee Enfield rifles,
BSA Motorbikes, trucks, Bren guns and artillery shells. A real smorgasbord of heavy metal.
Perhaps among the best artefacts were the huge Stainer 8F -8-0 Steam Locomotives and
you don't see those every day. As the day progressed, we were able to penetrate and see
more and more and just loved every bit of it. What didn't really love was that my small
group of buddies was being increasingly joined by more and more flippin' divers.

No word of a lie, by the time we came to leave the %histlegorm in the late afternoon, counted
no less than 14 dive boats and each one was at least 30m (100ft) long or more. %hey needed
to be big just to get there in a safe and timely manner. t really was ridiculous. Each one was
either tied directly to the wreck or at anchor because at that time, there were no official
mornings on the site. t was a car park, only for bloody big boats. How anyone can think that
having 14 dive boats and probably 100 or so divers on one wreck on any given day was a
good idea, is beyond me. Because we had been the first to arrive, we were well and truly
boxed in but rather than sit and wait for the other boats to finish diving and leave, was
delighted to watch as our Captain simply manoeuvred around and into them, so that we could
escape. 'Love bumping' or blatantly hitting other boats seemed to be a standard and
acceptable practice, with or without fenders to soften the blows. t was something will never
forget and never want to repeat. nstantly, knew would not be diving here again for a long
time to come.

%he following day, %ink and were allowed to dive by ourselves as a Buddy team. think this
scared the crap out of %ink. He had only been diving a week and already was 'caring' for his
welfare, poor bloke! t was simple enough. We were on ackson Reef, which spans the
channel from the Egyptian Red Sea to Saudi Arabia. t is oval shaped with the wreck of the
Lara sitting on the reef on its northern side. Diving from the boat on the southern side, %ink
and were to simply follow the reef wall to the west and return to the boat. Again, being such
a busy dive site, it is the only place have come across where there are numbers painted to
the underside of the boats, so that divers can identify which one is 'home'. %owards the end of
the dive, %ink and stopped under our boat and tucked up against the reef. Whereas %ink
was gawping at the rock edge and the little critters that were nestled up inside it, something
compelled me to turn my back on the reef and look out into the Blue.

saw a fish. Quite a large fish actually, coming towards us. didn't really think much of it at
first, but as studied it, thought what an odd shape it was heading straight at me. could tell
it was big but just didn't recognise it. %hat all changed when it swam within 3m (10ft) of us
both. grabbed the first stage of %ink's Scuba tank and in one swift move, spun him 180.
know he was in the process of resisting me and was more than likely swearing at me, when
his eyes saw what was gawping at. t was a rather large, 4m (13ft) Hammerhead shark and
it was awfully close! had never seen one before and was ecstatic. %ink was too which was
great as so many others would have instantly warmed their wetsuit at this point. t was almost
slow motion as the shark cruised up to us, turned and swam right before our bright wide eyes
and headed off down the reef.

Back on the boat, we were beside ourselves. Hammerheads were known to be in many parts
of the Red Sea but apparently no one had seen one here in recent times. %he next couple
back on the boat had seen it too. %he deck hands on the boat were now taking our sighting a
little more seriously. Unfortunately, the remaining pack of divers had not seen it and viewed
us with a slight smell of Bull. %hey were not in the mood to listen to our stories and so we
quietly had to keep it to ourselves for the journey back. Once back in London, A. sent us an
email. %here were now 15 Hammerheads at ackson Reef, so presumably we had seen the
lead scout. Either way, it was my first Hammerhead and one will never forget.

Back at work, Keith went out to Sharm just a couple of weeks later. We had initially intended
to go out at the same time but he could not get the time off. By the time he returned, had
made a decision. was going to resign and become a dive nstructor. don't really know why
made this decision but it all made sense to me at the time. was excited and scared but
knew wanted to do something different. Perhaps wanted to be different too, to find my own
identity. Within the week of telling Keith, he replied that if went, would mind if he came too?
%hat was it. We were off on an adventure. Before that though, we had to get passed 9/11.

1

remember that day well, who doesn't? t began dull enough. Sat in the orifice (yes that is the
intentional spelling) doing something unimportant. Usually went for a swim at lunch in the
company pool next to my office. told you it was a nice place to work. On this day of days,
Keith and thought we should take a long lunch and discuss e-Learning strategy. We
managed to conclude that meeting before the end of the canteen line and so sat down to talk
about the more important strategy of when to resign and where to go to do this dive thing.
had asked for A..'s opinion when was in Sharm and rather thought he would suggest
Egypt but luckily he preferred %hailand, which was fine by me. He recommended a shop
called Moskito Diving www.moskitodiving.com on the island of Koh Phi Phi. %he fact that
really sealed the deal in my mind was that Phi Phi was very popular among the Scandinavian
backpackers and as we well know, Scandinavian women must rank as some of the most
beautiful in the world. Fact. n addition, the women are not shy when it comes to beach attire
and am more than happy with that fact too.

Business meeting concluded, returned to my desk at around 14:00. Almost as soon as had
sat down, my phone rang. t was my ex, Kamilla. %hough she had been my girlfriend and first
true love for 5 years, we remained very close and she now worked for Lehman Brothers in the
City of London. was not too surprised to hear her voice but was surprised by its tone and
her request.

"Are you on the nternet?
"No but can be
"Can you get BBC News?
"No can't, it is not loading, why do you ask anyway? remember she took a deep
breath.
"You don't know do you? New York has been attacked. Our office in NY has been evacuated
and the %win %owers have been hit.

As repeated her words out loud, my colleagues started to listen to my conversation.
" can get Sky News, oh my god. the conversation went on.

As the events started to unravel, headed home. was compelled to watch as this unfolded
on the %V. wouldn't say that such dramatic events made me want to re-evaluate my life, but
it made me think, much like many other people am sure.



18

hapter 3
ontractuaIIy ObIiged


As anyone who knows me well, am probably not at my best when feel confined and
restricted. prefer to be more fluid and basically make it up as go along. was not always
like this. mmediately after raduation in 1995, was 3 going on 43. However things change;
changed.

had to laugh, really did. t was now October 001 and for more than a week, had been
carrying around my contract of employment. Sounds weird but did. knew what was coming,
just didn't know when. %he company was not looking good. Redundancies were being made,
some voluntary, others not. had requested voluntary and basically was told that the whole
reason for the change in tactics was because of e-Learning and was supposedly at the
centre of that strategy. %his didn't make me feel any better or any more stable to be honest,
so thought about my escape route.

Since my trip to Sharm in August, a lot had changed. %he world was changing big time, that
was sure. As the weeks passed, became more convinced that this time for change was
heading my way too. would be turning 30 in the coming months and though this didn't worry
me, the thought of my current direction was. Having seen older brothers move in to a life of
marriage, probably kids and large mortgages, was increasingly drawn in the opposite
direction. %he last thing wanted was for my life to slide on by, for me to marry the wrong girl
and to regret not having done something more interesting with my life. Having backpacked
around Australia and the USA for the best part of months in 1990, had also spent a year
living in France in 1993/4. loved living overseas and wanted to work there as well. %his could
be my opportunity. t may well be my last opportunity.

remember broaching the subject with my parents. %he family had hired a house in
Oxfordshire to celebrate the affer's birthday and went for a walk and talk with him. He
knew had always wanted to work overseas but don't think he saw this coming!
Nonetheless, he gave me his support which was great. He had always wanted us to take the
opportunities not available to him. We also decided that his weekly Epistle (a letter he used to
type in triplicate and send to his 3 sons) was going to be largely out of date when it reached
me in %hailand. told him that he should learn to use Hotmail and would give him my PC to
use. %he affer is the only man know who diligently writes to his 3 sons and extended family
every week, really quite a feat. %he weekly Epistle is usually sent on a Sunday evening and
then replied to 0 times over the week with various comments but mainly abuse between the
younger generation! He was OK with learning email, but teaching a 0 year old the joys of the
internet was quite an ordeal from both sides!

During a meeting at work, it became evident to me that really didn't give a rat's bottom about
KnowledgePool. had long come to the conclusion that this company was like too many
others had seen. %he higher echelons of management were not there because they actually
knew what they were doing, but mainly because they had been there the longest and the only
route for them to go, was up. %hat is how some of them had become my bosses. Fine, but it
was not for me. prefer to work for and with, people trust and have respect for. %his lot,
didn't and besides wasn't really any good at what was doing anyway. Sure, got paid well
and drove a Bat Mobile for a company car but this was not how was going to die. Not me,
not now.

%he meeting, which was apparently about how well was doing, concluded with my
resignation. will never forget the look in my Director's eye. What the buggering hell on earth
is Munnsy up to now? had just come to the conclusion that this was the end of the line. had
already tentatively enquired about voluntary redundancy but this had been denied. What
wanted to do now, was have a chat about how should leave the company and how they
would honour my contract. My boss literally took a minute to work out what had just happened
and simply stated that obviously would be expected to work the 4 weeks of my contract,
19

probably from the office, though he would not encourage me to see too many clients, such
was my client facing role.

Mmm. Problem was, didn't have a 4 week contract. Right from the get-go, suspected had
been given the wrong one. On the very day received it in the post, called the HR
department and said so. t turned out that the person in HR spoke to was on her very first
day but didn't know this. She assured me my contract was correct, considering the level
was at. Perhaps should have pointed out that thought this was a mistake but didn't, being
the crafty little bugger am at times. knew it could only be to my advantage and how many
times is the little guy able to get one over on the big bad bear? So kept quiet, until now.

My contract was not for 4 weeks notice. t was 4 months. Oh how we laughed when lobbed
this on the table to negotiate my termination. My boss was gob smacked and suggested we
went for a chat over a cup of coffee and a muffin. We agreed that at the end of my day,
would go home and await further instructions. Fine by me and fired up the Bat Mobile parked
outside.

By mid morning the following day, Keith called, assuming was ill. Believe me he laughed like
a hyena on acid when told him my story. From that moment, my phone rang a lot as the
gossip spread. What had done? What am going to do now? How was going to pay the
mortgage and marry the wrong girl now? My Director rang after lunch. %hey had made a
decision. Legally, they were obliged to honour my contract and so would continue to pay me
for 4 months from that day and ending in mid February 00. Because my role was mostly
client facing, it was probably best that did not see any more clients and he would reallocate
my work to others in the team. My day took a turn for the even better when he then suggested
that really should start to work from home from now own. Okey Dokey, that all sounded fine
to me. n addition, would now work directly for him and undertake any projects he personally
wanted me to do. Oh and by the way, this meant doing nothing. was basically as free as a
bird to work from home and do absolutely sod all. From my point of view, this was all great but
there was just 1 more thing. was still owed 15 days of annual vacation so what could be
done about this? %he big man said he would get back to me on that one.

%he following day, he called back. n theory, should really consider taking my 15 days
vacation as part of my 4 month garden leave. However, was not obliged to do this, so very
sensibly opted not to. %hat now meant was going to be paid for 18 weeks, complete with
mobile phone and car allowance. Sweet.

A week or later, returned to the office to collect my personal effects and clear my desk.
Basically it was a time to gloat and see people looking miserable. %he e-Learning team were
in a foul mood! had 'Passed o, collected 00' and completely screwed the company and
best of all, was not the one to blame. t turned out a number of them were planning their
escape at the same time as me, only had got in there early and stolen their thunder. When
asked what my plans were, all could say was that wanted to go diving in %hailand. %urns
out, a couple of them wanted to go to %hailand as well so we should keep in touch. Obviously
one of those planning to leave was Keith as we were still keen to leave Blighty and head to
the sunshine.

My plan was to be in SE Asia for about 6 months and then return to London in une 00 for
a wedding. Bod was one of my best friends from Uni and wanted to see him get hitched. At
this point, you are probably asking whether any of my friends have proper names and the
answer is no. %hey all seem to go by nicknames for some reason. %ink and were
instrumental in how Bod met his bride-to-be actually. We had gone to a house-warming party
for another great Uni friend, ustin. He had just bought a pad in Walthamstow, East London
and was having a few friends for drinks. Bod was due to attend but not only was he living
miles from London at the time, he was also ill in bed. Man-Flu, as we all know, is a true killer.
After a couple of hours and a several drinks, %ink and thought we should phone Bod and
annoy him in some way. We knew ustin got his phone bill paid for by his company, so we
just dialled away. Having had our usual abusive chat, we were about to hang up when a
rather attractive girl walked into the kitchen and asked why the of us were on ustin's
phone. Without really thinking, we asked Michelle to speak to Bod and try and cheer him up.
Before you know it, other bells were beginning to ring. After some 90 minutes on the phone
0

that night (sorry ustin), Bod and Michelle had fallen in love. %here followed a short courtship,
a marriage and gorgeous kids (taking after Mummy obviously). %his was why had to
return. n fact was an Usher and Master of Ceremonies on the unforgettable day.

Keith had been given permission from her indoors to take some time off and follow his dream.
At that time, did not know Keith too well but we got on and enjoyed his company. Besides,
it would be more fun to do this together than alone. Now that was 'working from home',
spent most of my time in the Wimbledon coffee shops, 'researching'. A little bit like K
Rowling writing Harry Potter up in Edinburgh, in a way. still had the company phone and
Keith was able to use the internet at work, so between us, our research began to take shape.
We were both happy with %hailand and Phi Phi looked like paradise. eographically, it is
stunning. t was made very famous because of the movie '%he Beach' which was filmed on
Maya Bay on the uninhabited island of Phi Phi Lei. We were also happy that the
recommendation of learning with Moskito Diving was strong as well. %he emails were replied
to promptly and fully, unlike so many others which were decidedly flakey.

By December 001, it was inevitable that was packing my bags. %he question was when.
When Keith resigned from KnowledgePool, having had their fingers burned by me, he was not
only required to see out the duration of his 4 week notice, but had to continue 'working' from
the office until the very last minute. By now, we were looking to escape by mid anuary but
my problem was remained under contract until February 15
th
. Luckily, a deal was done with
the office and as long as didn't work for anyone else, would continue to be paid until
February 15
th
. Perhaps best of all, was given permission to go on holiday overseas from
anuary 1
st
if wished. So, had the green light to pack up and leave.

With about a month to go, decided to tell friends about my plans and arrange my good byes.
Because seriously thought was only going for about 6 months, really didn't want to make
much of a fuss. However, think some had other plans and thought the idea of me leaving
their lives was fantastic! t is a funny thing, moving away to a completely new place. For sure
it is a bit of an upheaval when you move house but basically, you pack up everything, tell
everyone your new address and to some extent, that is it. Moving abroad and into a world that
is completely unknown to you, is something rather different. For starters, although was the
one who was doing this, somehow felt a little detached from the idea. can't really explain it.
%o me, really didn't feel was doing anything different or really going anywhere special. t
only really began to dawn on me when asked questions which really made me think about
what my actual plans were. also remember finding a new tenant for the flat and then it really
begun to sink in that was leaving and it was going to be for quite some time. Someone else
was going to have to keep my bed warm.

Keith and were more than happy with what we were doing and where we going. We were off
on a glorified holiday and had every intention of returning to normality, within 6 months in my
case and earlier than that for Keith. remember the overwhelming thought of those around
me was not so much that had gone mad, but more that was so brave for being able to give
it all up and head off into the great unknown, to follow my dream and actually live life a little.
can honestly say didn't really see it like that at the time. Perhaps with hindsight do, but not
back then. What can and did say to all concerned was that we all have the ability to chose
and we should be confident and comfortable in the choices we make. OK, for sure, not every
one has all the choices available to them at any one time. f you live in certain parts of the
world, if you are from certain cultures, ages and even your sex can affect the choices you
face in life. However, here was. was single, was financially fluid, was healthy, was
under 30 and basically had no real ties to anything or anyone. %he mortgage could be paid
for in my absence, the career could go on hold, there were no immediate mouths to feed
other than my own and knew it. could be a right Royal selfish little bar steward.

have to say at this point, being the youngest child had its advantages. For sure, being the
'baby' is a bit of a pain at times and dare say it, you feel third best at times because the
focus is always going to be on the eldest first. He would be the first to walk, talk, go to school,
learn to drive, graduate etc. was basically 5 years behind all these things and so it was old
news by the time got around to it. Now it was to my advantage. Both brothers were married
off and heading to a good old life of traditional values and being upstanding members of
society. What got up to was of little importance or interest to most of my family and that
1

suited me very well thank you very much. Sounds a bit harsh all this and don't mean it that
way, as am sure all parents will tell you they love their kids equally but did have the
freedom to be a little different. With grandchildren no doubt on the way, was almost let off
the hook.

have to say, have always been a good organiser and a minor entrepreneur at times.
mmediately after graduating, along with %ink and others, organised a succession of Black
%ie parties on a boat floating down the river %hames in central London. %he 'Putney Floater'
was always a sell out and a great success. %he principal was easy. Sell 150 tickets at 15 a
head, meet the boat at Embankment pier and everyone pile on for a 4 hour beer and disco
session. Once back on terra firma, pile into a local club or head on home. By the time we did
the third year, our only real problem was that so many people wanted to bring along additional
friends, we ran the risk of actually not knowing too many people on board. However, a great
time was had by all and it was a nice little earner on the side as well.

My farewell bash was at a London nightclub called %urnmills. can't say remember much of
that night. was somewhat inebriated, or perhaps was just off my face. do remember it was
a joint party with a couple of other girls and so between us, about 150 people were trying to
strut their thang on the dance floor. %ink had decided to piss off skiing in Whistler that week
and missed all the fun and games. My bed flat played host to about 6 that night and by the
time we got back, it was well after 03:00. Funnily enough, %ink called from Chicago at about
04:00. He was amazed was alive at that time (we were probably just tucking into tea and
toast) but he had called to say his flight had been delayed. nstead of picking him up in the
morning, could delay meeting him at Heathrow until :00. ood. %hat meant had extra
time to catch a few zeds.

ood old %inky. Not only was he late, he came back with an attractive young lady! %he
connecting flight out of Chicago had been delayed and while he was queuing to be taken to
the complimentary hotel, he met SvP and eventually they flew back into London together.
have already mentioned SvP right at the beginning of the book because thanks to her, my
emails became office gossip and this book took on some momentum. Having turned up in the
Bat Mobile with the remnants of a bit of a hangover, was now asked to deliver SvP safely
back home which was en route to SW19. t was a bit cheeky but did as was told. SvP is a
great girl and we have remained friends ever since. t turned out she was going to be out in
%hailand at the same time as me and so of course, we should swap emails and meet up in
Paradise.

My cousin Lez (yes another nickname) was kind enough to take me to the airport which was
just as well. Although had packed the minimum, dive gear is not exactly light. met up with
Keith in the terminal and duly checked in for the Air France flight, via Paris Charles De aulle
and onto Singapore. t would have been simpler to fly into Bangkok and hop over to Phuket
but we had decided to overland it through Malaysia and into Southern %hailand. t was going
to be quite a trip.

don't know if it is just me but tend to play a game at the airport and especially when am
closing in on the boarding gate. t goes along the lines of, 'Oh hope don't/do sit next to
them'. On only one occasion have been very, very pleased to spot a beautiful girl in the
boarding area who later took the seat next to me, but this is not the time for that story.

Keith and were assigned our seats for the long flight from Paris to Singapore and queued for
the final hand luggage check before boarding. t was 1
th
anuary 00, so only a few months
after 9/11 and understandably the airlines and general population were still a little on edge.
We were standing in line when couldn't help but notice about 5 people ahead of me, was
one of our Muslim cousins, dressed top to toe in a white %hobe-like attire. Call it racism, but
don't think anyone was particularly surprised to see the gentlemen picked from the line and
asked to step behind a curtained off screen. Call me paranoid but instantly thought to
myself, 'Oh dear, guess who is going to sit next to me for the next 1 hours'? As passed the
curtain screen, couldn't help but listen out for the sound of a latex glove and a muffled
scream but alas, all was quiet on the weStern front on this occasion.



boarded the plane and took my aisle seat with Keith sitting directly behind. Can't say it was
the best seat in the house but at least the flight attendants gave the impression they actually
gave a crap. Low and behold, a few minutes later, my Muslim friend came skipping down the
aisle towards us. Without a hint of a limp or a bruised bottom, he took his seat directly across
the aisle from me. Mmm, this could be interesting. t got better. As we were taxiing to the
runway, this gentleman did something will never forget. He lifted his %hobe from around his
ankles and over his head, as if to create his own little tent and cover his eyes from the light.
But wait, it got even worse. He then proceeded to pray, out loud, well at least loud enough
that could hear his chants and so could those around him.

Now, you have to remember this was anuary 00. t had been just 19 days since one of
the most historical days of all time. n addition, Richard Reid had actually been caught trying
to ignite his shoe bomb on the flight from Paris to Miami on December 001, just 6 days
earlier. For anyone, let alone a Muslim in full regalia, to be praying out loud was perhaps not
the cleverest thing. %he good old British in me, though concerned, was also hesitant to make
a scene. Each to his own, thought. Fortunately, the flight attendants were also aware of what
was going on and came to have a chat. Our cousin stopped praying, removed his cover and
quietly sat there. As he presumably prayed to his Allah in silence, just fixated on his feet,
well for take off anyway. %hen the food came and the in-flight movies started so life was good
again and we could all move on.

Singapore is a great place. had been there very briefly on my way home from Oz in 1991. t
was a very brief time actually as almost as soon as arrived, was 'persuaded' by a rather
sexy talian to go with her and sit on a beach in Malaysia. Oh, let me think about that for a
second. 4 days of fun and games, sunshine, crystal clear waters, local rum and other things
then followed. enjoyed my stay at the ABC resort on %iomen sland that's for sure.

%his time around, Keith and were staying for a couple of nights with my great friends, Karli
and Siska. Karli and had shared an apartment in %oulouse, France when we were students
and now they were living and working in Singapore. We had a great time there, finishing with
a blow out brunch at Raffles Hotel. Not really knowing what we were heading into, we decided
to get in a last meal and where better than Raffles? For a flat fee, we gorged on some
fantastic food. have never had such a meal before, mixing delicious fruits with pastries, curry
with roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. %hat was nothing. Keith ended up having lobsters,
greedy bugger! still haven't worked out how he wasn't ill.

We knew leaving Singapore was basically the last bit of luxury we would see for some time to
come. For starters, it was a hell of a long journey we were facing, but the train was fantastic.
Singapore station in Keppel Road is a damn site nicer than Kings Cross for starters, not that
am a train spotter or anything. Having taking the train from Seattle to New York, know a
thing or about long journeys. %his train only took about 6 hours or so to rumble in to the
Malaysian capital, Kuala Lumpur. Arriving in KL is a little off putting to be honest. Having
spent hours looking at little more than jungle and bananas, you suddenly arrive at a thriving
metropolis that can outshine many world class cities. KL is dominated by the Petronas %win
%owers, which at the time were the world's tallest buildings with of a ridiculous height of
451.9m (148.6ft). We were very limited for time and would you Adam and Eve it, the towers
were closed for the day, so we had to make do with the KL %ower instead, which at a mere
41m (1381ft) plays second fiddle to its cousins but offers a fantastic view of KL as well as
the Petronas %owers.

One of the best things remember about KL was the chicken curry had. Never let it be said
that the Brits do not like spicy food. Curry is our favourite dish and love spices, though not
too hot please. learned an important lesson once, having a curry in Leicester Square with
some colleagues. was a little tipsy by the time we decided to get some food but that was not
so bad. ordered my food and for some unknown reason as the waiter walked away, very
rudely added 'and make it snappy'. Believe me, the following day was not a well bunny.
managed to drive across London from my flat in Holland Park to work in Clapham and for an
hour or , all was well. However, by mid morning was not good and had to go home.
Somehow, and don't ask me to elaborate, crawled to the car, drove back through town and
got home. All can say at this point was that sitting down prevented me from exploding. was
not so lucky as left the car and ran into my flat.
3


%he curry experienced in KL had no such optional extras. For the uninitiated, the idea of
eating from the local street vendor would fill them with dread and disgust. However, if you
have ever been off the well trodden beaten track, occasionally there is precious little option.
would always advise being very careful with drinking water and be aware of where it is
sourced. Obviously common sense rules, but it is amazing how lacking this can be in a lot of
people. Same applies for food. Having experienced food poisoning a few times, twice in the
UK, don't think you should generalise that just because you are in a third world or
developing country, the food is unsafe. On the contrary, what can be safer and perhaps even
better, than to see your food being prepared and cooked right in front of your very eyes?

We left KL on the sleeper train into southern %hailand and the border town of Padang Basar
before heading on to Hat Yai. Neither of these places are much to write home about to be
perfectly honest, so didn't bother. %hey are functional border towns, famous for nothing more
a place to visit on the Visa Run and have a plentiful supply of budget accommodation, feeding
houses and the all important %hai Massage, for which there will be much more on this later.

Unlike the 'day' train with its business class style comfy seats, the 'sleeper' train was very
compact and bijoux. %he carriage, as you would imagine, was designed for economies of
scale rather than for comfort, with 3 levels of bunk beds on both sides. Keith and managed
to bag the top bunks which we thought would be to our advantage. For starters, we hoped we
wouldn't be disturbed by the endless traffic of people passing by. %hat didn't really work. t did
offer a good vantage point though, being able to watch the local population settle down to
endless games of cards, or chatting about the Whiteys in the coach with them, all the while
cooking up a wonderful but smelly curry in such a confined area. etting in and out of the top
bunk was almost akin to scaling the Eiger and it very quickly became self evident that once
we were up and settled, best to leave it at that. As you can imagine, the tiny toilets were not
particularly wonderful and keeping your visit to a minimum was probably the advice the
Foreign and Commonwealth Office would be posting on their website. t was probably one of
those rare occasions when went to brush my teeth and thought, 'mmm maybe they will be
OK until we arrive at the destination. can give them a double scrub later'.

Our bunks were not really designed for backpacking idiots like us either. By the time we
squeezed in, there was very little room so such luxuries as turning over. n addition, we had to
squeeze our big bags in as well. For starters, there was no luggage rack at the end of the
carriage and certainly no room in the tiny central walkway and then there was the matter of
security and peace of mind. am 1.8m (5'11ft) and it was tough for me. Keith is a big guy at
1.9m (6'3ft) so it was actually very funny to see him try to place his bags at his feet or down
the sides and still have room to lie down. With tiny little curtains closed in the hope that these
also acted as noise cancelling blast doors, we settled down for few hours kip. think our bags
slept soundly that night. We didn't, but the curries did smell good. Such a shame the second
hand smells an hour later were not the best.

Arriving in Hat Yai, there was time enough to track down some sort of local food hole with a
clean enough bathroom for a quick clean and brush. We then linked up with a local bus for
the 4 hours journey up to Krabi from where we would take the ferry over to Koh Phi Phi. My
god it was hot. was beginning to sweat like a Badger on heat working in the Sheffield steel
works.



4

hapter 4
Amazing ThaiIand


%he marketing urus for the %hai %ourist board came up with the slogan 'Amazing %hailand'
and can tell you, it was very apt. t was not uncommon to admire local guys welding in their
flip flops and fake Oakleys. saw a team of electricians nailing live electrical wires to one
coconut tree and then another, happy to lay them down in pool of water in the middle of the
street as they moved down the street.

Koh Phi Phi is almost slap bang between the well known %hai tourist traps of Phuket and
Krabi and was a great place to live. For me, it was the %onic for my in. t was the Anti-
London. For those of you who have never been to such a place, will try my best to paint the
picture for you.

When was about 9 at school, as part of some sort of art class, we were teamed up and
asked to create our dream island. We each had a wooden board that would serve as the sea
and then by using Papier-mch, we mulched together some sort of island or what resembled
an island. For most of us at that time, the only real island we knew of was %racy sland from
the %hunderbirds %V show. Our island was a green lumpy thing with a blue bit surrounding it.
Phi Phi was my perfect %racy sland. don't think could have even begun to create a more
beautiful island and it is easy to see why so many people were attracted to it.

Koh Phi Phi is actually a small group of islands. Phi Phi Don (the only inhabited one), Phi Phi
Lei (a couple of miles south with its world famous Maya Bay, being the film location for the
movie '%he Beach') and then various other tiny islands which were wonderful to dive around,
including Koh Bida Nok and Koh Bida Nai.

%he main island was split into 3 main areas of habitation. %he rest of it was predominantly
limestone cliffs and pretty inaccessible. %he ferries and dive boats would arrive in the deeper
water of %on Sai Bay and backpackers and divers would wander off the boats and onto the
glorious white sand. %he ferry pier marked the entrance to the village but for me, this also
marked the beginning of the rest of my life, though at the time had no idea about this. At its
narrowest point, %on Sai village is about 00m (660ft) wide, linking the deeper water to the
much shallower and quieter Loh Dalum Bay. Even at high tide, the water here is very shallow,
perfect for sunbathing and generally messing about in the beautifully warm tropical water.

Phi Phi is pretty hard to describe, but a word used in one of my first emails home was
'different'. Picture and ideal island. High cliffs plunging into crystal waters, turquoise sea,
white sandy beaches, quaint little bungalows. Constant sunshine and high temperatures.
Freshly squeezed fruit shakes with banana and Nutella Crpes. Mmm, sounds tempting
doesn't it? Now add a little spice; Mosquitoes, bed bugs, mischievous monkeys, sea lice,
open sewers, non-flushing bogs, food poisoning, Manchester United etc.

%on Sai Bay Village was the centre of the island, a tiny spit of land with horseshoe bays of
white sand on both sides, overlooked by high cliffs. By hiking up the View Point path, you
could take in the grandeur of the view, the beauty of the beaches and the fragility of the small
but densely populated village below. You really need to see the place for yourself to take in its
beauty. Failing that, oogle Maps does the job a damn site quicker and cheaper. %here were
no paved roads on Phi Phi when first arrived, just sand. As a result, there were no cars and
only the occasional mopeds with side carts, used to ferry bags and goods around the village.
%hese were banned by March 00, leaving no mechanical transportation on the island at all.
How Hippy'ish is that?

For some, %on Sai Village was too populated and they sought solace elsewhere. enerally
this could be found just around the headland, either by walking for 30 minutes over the rocks,
or a far easier way was to take one of the many long-tail boat taxis. Long Beach was precisely
what it says. t was a beach that was nice and long. t was stunning actually and was once
5

voted as Discovery %ravel and Adventure's 3
rd
best beach in the world. Although there was a
dive shop at the end of the beach and a small reef where we would snorkel with Black %ip
Reef Sharks, was not destined to live here. %he commute was far too long and was trying
to avoid such crapness in my life.

Keith and arrived together on Phi Phi and the natural thing was to find a place together to
live. don't think either of us really knew what we were expecting or looking for to be honest.
We spent most of the first day wandering around the village like headless chickens looking for
their feet. We struggled to find something suitable that was not a complete and utter rip off.
Not the easiest of things to do, especially as we were continuously dragging our large bags
through the sand. As a side point, bought and used 4 main bags for my travels and have to
say, by far the best one came across was an oyster clam bag by Body love. t big and
strong, has wheels and a decent handle and being a clam shell bag, you can gain access to
all sorts of areas without too much drama. %here you go, who said you couldn't learn
something from books?

Within a couple of days, we settled into our new accommodation in the %on Sai Village
Resort. %his all sounds grandiose but believe me, it wasn't. t was a concrete hut with a single
room, beds and a segregated 'room' with a basic toilet, shower and sink. %here was no
furniture, but it did have a couple of light bulbs, ceiling fan and a single electrical socket. t
could perhaps be described as 'functional' with a removable loo seat but no flushing ciStern.
%his means, once you are finished with 'business' you filled a bucket from the tap and threw
the water down the loo. 3 seconds later, all was clean but also very wet. %here was a cold
water shower, complete with shower head, a towel rail and mirror. For all this luxury, we paid
about 11 a day. %his was 330 ($530) a month. Pretty expensive by my book but what price
can you put on Paradise? Perhaps less than this would be a start.

t was very different to our homes and what we had expected but it didn't really matter to be
honest. Everyone was in the same hole. Hot water really was a luxury and air con was
practically out of the question. You liked it or lumped it. f you didn't like it, you had better
change your attitude or leave. We stayed and quickly adjusted to our lot. Hell, the commute to
the dives shop was now a short jog down one of the most idyllic beaches on earth. A little bit
more exciting than the M5 at 08:00 can tell you.

Keith and stayed in this basic accommodation for a few months and don't think either or us
got pissed off with each other in all that time. We were both very easy to get on with and
happy to see where this path led us. did however test him on one occasion, not long after we
first arrived. fell ill with food poisoning, again. t was not pretty.

Within a couple of days of arriving and just as we tended to do on most evenings, once the
dive shop had closed up for the day, a bunch of us went to eat. Phi Phi was a really social
scene and so eating with 6 others or more was not uncommon. %he restaurants were all
aware of their backpacking, smelly and penniless clientele but they loved us none the less.
Something that was a first for me, every single bill was itemised for each individual, so you
only ever paid for what you had eaten, not for the table as a whole. At first, this was a little
odd as back in London, we had always just pitched in for what we thought was due and left it
at that. Phi Phi was far more organised and it really worked.

On this occasion, we went to the Home restaurant, a favourite of a couple of colleagues,
Helen and Bernie. At that time, still ate seafood, though very little. had never really enjoyed
the taste of fish and had pretty much privately decided was happy not to eat it at all. am not
a veggie and love meat, but tend to make a distinction between meat that is raised for the
sole purpose of providing food to humans and other meats that are perhaps a little more.
specialised. feel that fish and seafood are not generally bred for the purposes of human food
and as wild animals, have no desire to go and eat them, much like would not want to eat a
wild rabbit, lion or whale. Chickens and Sheep, fair enough. Crack a bolt in its head and slap
it in the oven. can live with that. can say with absolute certainty, was about to have my
last seafood meal. ordered one of my favourite dishes, fried calamari with lemon. have to
say, it was delicious and had no problem with scoffing it all down. A couple of Singha beers
later and was ready to head off to bed.

6

Although slept very well for a couple of hours, woke at around am feeling the need to go
and pay a visit to the facilities. Bloody hell, in what was to be a repeat of my London 'snappy
curry', just fell apart at both seams. was quickly in one hell of a bad state. No matter how
much diarrhoea or vomiting expelled, there seemed to be no end to my suffering. sat there
for hours. Poor Keith. He knew was ill but was completely unable to help. Neither of us had
an modium to hand and to be honest, think was beyond help. was either going to pull on
through or would just simply slip away into the toilet bowl and be lost for eternity. For hours
this went on. ust when thought was running on empty, more would evacuate my orifices.
%he rim Reaper could have held out its hand of welcome at this point and not only would
have taken it, think would have run on ahead to check out the new digs. %o say was in a
shit state, was an understatement. By the time Keith had actually woken for real and was
heading off to the dive shop to 'work', was done. was exhausted, sweating like 'Uncle Bens
boil in the bag rice' and was on the verge of dehydration and death. Well thought so anyway.
Keith brought me some water, said he would pass on the news of my passing to the guys in
the shop and would be back later that afternoon to clean up the mess and trawl through my
belongings. would not have wanted it any other way. eventually passed out and slept all
day.

Perhaps the worst part of this story was strangely enough, when actually felt a little better.
Having spent an entire day in bed unable to move, the following morning managed to
stagger along to the local 'hospital' on the island. %o say it was a hospital was somewhat of a
mis-representation but they had the sign out front so that made it official. Anyway, it was
pretty much the only medical hope had. know it was somewhat after the event, but went
along to see if they had anything to help with diarrhoea as what had witnessed was well
beyond the means of modium which had always served me proud up until now. Now, just by
visiting a medical establishment is not particularly a good thing for most of us. After all, very
few people go to hospital when they are feeling fit and well. As racked up to the place and
walked through the little front garden (apparently the %hai doctor was very proud of this),
saw what looked to be a rolled up carpet alongside the path. %hinking no more of it, toddled
up to the reception where was asked to take a seat and read a pamphlet. Funnily enough, it
was all about me, well what had anyway. %D or %ravellers Diarrhoea. %urned out, it was
pretty common. do not have the pamphlet they gave me but remember with fondness the
way in which it rather touchingly and uniquely signed off;

"Remember, 'm your doctor and love you.

f you are interested in %D, then found this on the internet and it pretty much tells you what
you need to know, especially if you are about to head out overseas into areas such as, well
practically all of South America, all of Africa and all of Asia, so that about covers everywhere
that backpackers tend to visit. Lovely.

"Travellers' diarrhoea (TD) is a clinical syndrome resulting from microbial contamination of
ingested food and water; it occurs during or shortly after travel, most commonly affecting
persons travelling from an area of more highly developed hygiene and sanitation
infrastructure to a less developed one. Thus, TD is defined more by circumstances of
acquisition than by a specific microbial agent. Travellers' diarrhoea occurs equally in males
and females, is more common in young adults and bouts of TD do not appear to protect
against future attacks with more than one episode of TD occurring during a single trip.
Travellers' diarrhoea is characterised by the fairly abrupt onset of loose, watery or semi-
formed stools associated with abdominal cramps and rectal urgency. Vomiting may occur in
up to 15% of those affected. Travellers' diarrhoea is generally self-limited and lasts 3-4 days
even without treatment."

A short course of antibiotics seems to be the best remedy and no doubt took these without
question. What did question however was when left the 'hospital' saw the rolled up carpet
once again, but this time from the opposite direction. %here appeared to be a pair of feet
poking out from the end of it. Oh bloody hell. Some poor soul had rather unceremoniously
been rolled up in a carpet and left outside in the heat while arrangements were made for the
body's return to the mainland. Amazing %hailand.


hapter 5
Going Down, Getting Wet


ust as we had planned, Keith and were going to complete our dive courses with Moskito
Diving on Phi Phi. t came highly recommended by A.. whom had met in Sharm a few
months before and was impressed by the quality of the emailed replies had received from
the shop's manager, an. Keith was already a Rescue Diver and so could go straight into his
Dive Master course. on the other hand, needed to complete this before could really
progress any further.

As anyone will tell you in diving, the Rescue course is probably the best one to do. t doesn't
really matter which Agency you complete it with, there is just so much practical work involved
you can't help but be a better diver as a result. PAD (the Professional Association of Diving
nstructors) is the world's best known dive accreditation agency. %hat doesn't make them the
best and this is by no means a written advertisement for them, but they are the agency
chose. Being so well recognised around the world makes it easier for me as an nstructor as
well. n fact, some novice divers think that PAD is actually the name of a certification card but
that is not quite true. Some people would suggest that PAD does in fact stand for 'Put
Another Dollar n' and that does hold merit, especially if you are on a tight budget and it
seems that everything costs more and more money. For an accreditation agency that certifies
almost 1 million people a year, it is doing something right that is for sure. For those of us who
have been in the diving industry for a while now, there is a sense that perhaps the certification
quality is getting diluted too much and that standards are slipping. Personally think it is very
much up to the individual nstructor to provide additional training if he or she feels that the
official materials do not go far enough. know have always tended to do this, to go the extra
mile and have got the 'Certificate for the Recognition of Excellence for Customer Service
and Professionalism' to prove it.

%he Rescue course can only be done after the Advanced Open Water course, which had
completed many years before in Oz and these certifications do not expire. %here was a lot of
theory to learn but like most of diving, found it mostly common sense. t is a case of having
to think about certain scenarios that would not necessarily apply to most people. However, a
First Aid and CPR course is required in advance of the course and something think should
be almost obligatory for everyone, be it for the home or the workplace. Why should the
average oe in the street only feel that basic First Aid should only really be applied by a
Paramedic or a Doctor? t is a vital skill that is not only easy to learn, it can be fun as well and
my god, what could be more gratifying or important than helping someone else to live?

%he real fun of the Rescue course was down at the beach, somewhere spent a lot of my
time. t was a far more attractive sight than living in London that was for sure. For the most
part, it was so bleedin' hot on Phi Phi, that getting in the water for a couple of hours was a
welcome relief. %he view from the water back up to the beach had its charms as well, can
assure you. Because the Rescue course is better if you can be both the victim and rescuer, it
was necessary to have a Buddy for this course. Luckily Keith, much bigger and taller than me,
had already completed it. Even luckier for me, my Buddy was a gorgeous blonde Swede
called Anna-Carin and came with some great 'assets and upper body strength'. was going to
be just fine thank you very much. Each time we needed to go to the beach, we geared up in
the shop and walked 3 minutes to the water. At the time the shop had originally been built on
Phi Phi, it was a straight line from the shop to the water, but 1 years on the village had
evolved into a little labyrinth of shops and travel agents, restaurants and massage parlours,
with Moskito now completely boxed in.

%he course progresses through several stages. %he in-water diver learns about self-rescue
techniques, aiding a tired and a panicked diver. Panic is probably the biggest issue that faces
not just divers but many people on many occasions. Lives can be lost or saved because of
our the ability to cope with panic. Obviously, in or under water, panic can quickly lead to all
sorts of scenarios and being able to recognise and deal with it can truly save lives. What am
8

looking for in a diver, is someone who remains calm at all times. %he water is no place for
hysteria. n no uncertain terms, panic equals death all too easily. Surprisingly, very few divers
drown because they have run out of air. More likely, they have panicked and reacted to a
situation rather remain calm and be able to think their way out of trouble. n fact, there is a
procedure in diving which applies equally well to us all. f you panic, the first thing you should
do is 'Stop, then %hink and Act'. f you simply re-act, then the situation will more than likely
take a turn for the worse.

%he course also goes through the procedure of what to do when arriving on the scene of an
accident or what you see as a potential accident. %he overwhelming reaction of many is to
simply go to help someone immediately but this may not always be the best plan. Again,
taking the time to 'Stop, %hink and Act' may be the best thing. Evaluating the situation, taking
time to assess and manage the scene can be crucial. Before heading into the water, being
able to get others around you to seek additional help or provide assistance can be life saving
in itself. do not want to get into the precise requirements of the Rescue course for that is not
the intention of this book but do hope that the reader who may or not be a diver, can see that
there a huge amount that can be learned from such skills.

After had completed my course, the relevance of it became all too apparent shortly
afterwards. was not actually in Phi Phi at the time as had returned to the UK for Bod &
Michelle's wedding, but heard all about it as soon as returned. %his is a second hand
account the tragic events.

An nstructor colleague of mine was conducting a Rescue course, as he had done with me a
few months before. %his time he was teaching a couple of apanese divers, with the aid of a
apanese Dive Master who was able to assist and translate. As usual, they walked in full kit
from Moskito, down to the beach and the area of water that is purposely sectioned off for dive
training and swimming. Simple floated lines marked an area where boats must avoid. As they
arrived, they saw what they thought was another Rescue course scenario. %here was
someone in the shallow water struggling to pull someone else up on to the shore. %his in itself
did not ring too many alarm bells until they got a little closer and noticed something was
wrong. Neither victim nor rescuer was in dive gear, though the victim was still wearing a
weight belt. %he victim was laid out in the surf, unconscious and unresponsive. My colleagues
immediately analysed and took control of the situation and sent a runner to the local hospital
but despite all the efforts, he was pronounced dead shortly afterwards. He had drowned in a
little over 3m (10ft) of water on a beautiful beach in %hailand.

Obviously, questions were asked about who the deceased was and exactly what had
happened. Perhaps surprisingly and certainly shockingly, he was a fellow diver from a
neighbouring shop, practicing for his Dive Master course. %he night before, he and his mate
had be out in the bars and had drunk a lot. %his was pretty normal and acceptable on the
island and they knew they were not working the following day. Once they had woken and
supposedly sobered up, the pair had decided to go and practice their apnea or breath holding
techniques off the beach. As one dropped to the bottom with the help of a lead weight belt,
the other remained on the surface and watched. %hey repeated this for a couple of times until
one of them decided to take a break on the beach. However, his Buddy did not follow and
dropped down to the sea bed once more. t is thought that as he then tried to surface, he
suffered a 'Shallow Water Black Out'. n very shallow water and in this case, maybe even as
he reached the surface, the victim can instantly black out. Obviously, this meant he could not
breath and with the weight belt still attached, simply sank down to the sand and drowned.
Perhaps the only consolation that can be taken is that the victim was unconscious at this time
and will be unaware of drowning.

Unfortunately, death is all too common in areas like %hailand and other places have lived
around the world. t is not to say it is not mourned with any less dignity than in the UK, it is just
more a matter of fact. %he more have been surrounded by it, the more have become
somewhat complacent to it. n a way, had to. f worried that my time was next, well would
not achieve anything. Although Scuba diving is statistically safer than most recreational sports
in terms of injuries, it would be fair to say that when you get injured underwater, it tends to be
pretty serious, hence the requirement for educating all who try it. 1 in 00,000 dives will
statistically end in a death. Compare this to 1 in 15,000,000 for aircraft journeys and you can
9

begin to understand the dangers. %hat said, if was to try and impress the ladies (and fail
miserably), do tend to agree that yes, it is a very dangerous 'sport' and yes, am very
brave.

Once the Rescue course was finished and Anna-Carin and were certified to still be alive,
moved up a gear and onto the Dive Master (DM) course. %his is a necessary step to achieve
the nstructor qualification and a role that love. n essence, the Dive Master covers major
roles in diving. He/She is there to guide a bunch of muppets around the dive site and in some
cases, is there to assist the nstructor when conducting a certification course. For the most
part and especially in areas like %hailand, there wasn't really a need for an in-water assistant.
For starters, the water was so warm. don't think have ever been in such warm waters
where 30C (86F) was not uncommon. %here was very little current, very good visibility for
the most part and lots of things to look at and keep us all amused. called it 'Mickey Mouse
diving' as it really was about as easy as you could wish for. For me, learning to dive is two-
fold. %here is the physical aspect and there is the psychological aspect. As long as you can
swim and breathe, the physical side is very easy in %hailand and throughout most of the
tropics (but not all). t is the psychological side that causes more grief, in my opinion.

At this stage, there will be many divers who are perhaps learning, teaching or regularly diving
in colder water who are thinking had it easy. %oo damn right did! was in Paradise, was
surrounded by natural beauty and was about to embark on a career that got paid for.
would openly admit that have very limited experience in cold water with crappy vis, of
bouncing around on crappy boats, smelling of fish and never really knowing if the days diving
was going to be cancelled due to the weather. have never felt the need to dive in an
environment whereby if am not careful, am likely to catch Hep C from the pollution or get
hyperthermia within a couple of minutes of my dry suit from flooding. For me and this is purely
my personal opinion, want to enjoy my diving and this means flying off to tropical climes.
Hell, if it takes me more than minutes to gear up and jump in, tend to get a little upset.
don't even like wearing a wetsuit to be perfectly honest.

take my hat off to all those UK and worldly divers who find the urge to jump into their local
lake, not really knowing if they will actually be able to see their hand let alone their Buddy or
heaven forbid, the actual reef or wreck that they were paying good money to see. take my
hat off to all those who have invested several thousands of or $ or C just to see where they
are going or to try and keep warm. Personally, prefer to spend this money on a flight. Having
been where have been and seen what have seen, could never entertain the idea of
teaching in such conditions. t is simply not who am and besides, the whole idea of changing
my career was to go and do something enjoyed. Somehow don't think the love interest
would have lasted more than days had jacked it all in and jumped into a lake in deepest,
darkest Yorkshire.

%he DM course was pretty intense, although there is no set rule for its duration. For the most
part, it takes several weeks. %here is a tonne of theory to learn as well as the in-water skills.
As the assistant to the nstructor, the DM would not necessarily need to talk to the student to
help them. His work would mostly be underwater and so the ability to communicate in such an
environment became paramount. f the DM's instructions are not clear and precise when
underwater, then things could easily get over complicated.

%he theory side of the course was intense and time consuming. may have got a decent
degree and international diploma to my name, but have never been much of an academic,
much preferring the practical way of learning. Having come from a background in corporate
training, knew what appealed to me. However, PAD was not yet up to date with its e-
Learning concept and so the Manual would have to be my friend. t was big, very heavy and
not at all durable. ust by turning a page in the folder, the paper would tear. t was pretty
frustrating to work with. %here were 8 subjects needed to thoroughly understand to pass the
exams.

1. %he Physics of Diving
. %he Physiology of Diving
3. First Aid
4. Dive Equipment
30

5. Decompression %heory and the Recreational Dive Planner
6. Dive Skills and the Environment
. Supervising eneral Diving Activities for Certified Divers
8. PAD Divemaster Conducted Programs

Learning all this was not only essential, but was the foundation block for completing my
nstructor's course. t was a necessary evil in some ways but was happy to learn, after all, it
was my choice to be here and it was my money that was paying for it all, even though was
still on the KnowledgePool payroll at this time. 'm sorry, but still can't help sniggering at this
part.

have to say, it was a pretty straightforward procedure. Surprisingly, the harder but more
enjoyable part was down on the beach, rattling off all the diving skills above and below the
surface. Dive Masters are not only expected to be excellent divers, they are also expected to
be able to pass on this knowledge to others in a non-verbal way. What mean by this is, once
underwater, talking is irrelevant. %herefore the DM needs to be able to communicate in a non-
verbal manner, through hand signals (sign language if you like) and body positioning etc.
know it sounds pretty easy and for the most part it is, but refining it to perfection was
somewhat more challenging than you would expect.

By the time someone considers taking the DM course, the physical and psychological side of
diving should be in the distant past. ust like with driving, the more you do it, the more natural
it is and becomes second nature. ust gearing up and moving around in about 40kg (88lb) of
gear should be a simple task. However, am sure we all know people who are pretty natural
at driving and then there are others who are nervous wrecks or are just simply uncoordinated.
%his brings me to an interesting point that ask a lot of new divers and make instant
assumptions about. have to, we all do. As soon as anyone meets someone new, they
instantly form first impressions, opinions and assumptions. %hey always say you can make or
break a job interview within the first minute. Why should learning to dive be any different?

With reference to driving a car, one of the first questions would ask is whether they had ever
run out of fuel whilst driving. %o me, it is amazing to know how common this is, dare say it,
especially among women. have never run out of fuel in my life and don't really understand
why it happens as long as there is a working gauge in the car that tells them things are getting
a little empty.

My non-scientific research showed that most people who run out of fuel thought it was funny,
perhaps it was more a nervous laugh. Quite a few thought it was actually OK, almost
acceptable and what was the fuss about? For me, this simply rang alarm bells before we had
even opened a book. t told me about someone's state of mind and their awareness of the
surroundings around them. remember as was learning to drive, the nstructor asked me to
tell him everything saw as drove down a busy road; the cars, the people, the dog etc. What
failed to spot was the pedestrian crossing with the traffic light about to change to Red. was
so focussed on the bigger picture, failed to see what was immediately in front of me. Same
goes for diving. f you run out of fuel in a car, it is inconvenient but you can manage. Now
imagine running out of fuel (air) underwater. %he stakes are somewhat higher. Anyone who
cannot really appreciate that, really should not be in the water and certainly not near me!!

spent hour upon hour in the water just off the beach with the other guys doing the DM
course with me. Our focus was not the individual skill, such as removing and replacing the
mask, but it was breaking down each skill into a format of sub-skills so that anyone watching
us would be able to see exactly how that skill is performed. n the case of mask removal and
replace, it would go something like this:

1. %ilt your head forward and place fingers around the top of the silicone skirt of the
mask.
. Allow your fingers to break the seal and gently allow the mask to flood until full. You
may wish to close your eyes.
3. Once the mask has equal pressure, pull the mask strap from behind and over the top
of your head, removing the mask from your face.
31

4. With your thumb in the nosepiece to orientate the mask correctly, press the mask
back onto your face and replace the strap to the normal position behind your head.
5. Continuing to look down, take a good breath from the regulator in your mouth. As you
do so, begin to look up at the same time as exhaling the breath through your nose.
%he pressure from your nose will force the water from your mask. Repeat as
necessary.
6. Once the water has been evacuated, open your eyes and adjust accordingly.


We were continually assessed on our skill level, trying to attain a perfect score on each
occasion. Some skills were very easy to achieve a 5. Others were somewhat more
complicated but with time, everything was OK.

n addition to these pure diving skills, perhaps the one that most people have problems with is
actually dealing with fellow divers. Communication tends to be key in many job roles, be it
scientists to politicians, post men to bankers. Diving is no different. %he client is there to learn,
to dive in a safe manner and to have a good time. Leaving the dive shop with a positive vibe
would obviously help to persuade them to dive again tomorrow. Unfortunately too many
people have had bad experiences when diving and it has been enough for them to pack up
their fins for good.

Dive Masters are primarily used for guiding other certified divers. Depending on where you
are diving, the rules of engagement may be slightly different. For some certified divers, the
idea of having some zitty faced young upstart with a new dive computer and a bad hair style
acting as their Buddy, is reason enough for not wanting to dive with them. Many divers love
the freedom the water offers and do not relish the idea they may be subjected to local rules
and regulations. On the other hand, Phi Phi was pretty well known for being a training island
and many of the certified divers were aware they may be some sort of waterproof guinea pig
to a DM% (Dive Master in %raining). During the High season from October to May, estimated
there were about 50 nstructor or DMs on Phi Phi, working in about shops. t sounds a lot
and it was, but the diving business was well catered for. %he shops were busy, generally well
maintained and have to say, operated to a far higher standard than saw elsewhere on my
travels. Most of the shops were managed if not directly owned by Europeans and so their
standards were of a European level as well. You can read into that what you wish!

Obviously it is not a good idea for a DM to be in control of lots of people and the general rule
is to dive in a group of no more than 6. Often it is less than this. Controlling people
underwater is not quite as simple as perhaps it sounds. On the surface, we all tend to
communicate in a verbal or physical manner. Once underwater, most of that instinct goes out
the door. You cannot speak, shout or swear. t doesn't really work. You rely almost entirely on
the visual techniques you learned during the course. You need to be clear, precise and
patient. f you are not good at these, then there will be problems. Being good at skills and a
master at patience is all well and good but you also need to be organised, disciplined and
confident. Any chink in the armour and believe me, you leave yourself wide open to abuse!

remember a bunch of divers who came out to Moskito for a week. won't say where they
were from, but their nations Capital sounds like Moscow. Oh the fun and games we had that
week. As anyone who has had the delight of working with Russians will tell you, they can be a
little hit and miss to say the least. %heir way of doing things is not exactly in sync with anyone
else in the world. %rying to understand their mentality is all part of the game. dived with them
a fair amount and in the water they were pretty good, technically proficient and economical on
air. %he 4 of them listened intently to my briefings and where wanted to lead them and what
we were hoping to see. When the time came, they stripped; completely. %he ladies have to
say were in good shape and this was fine with me. %he guys, well, they had a thing for
Speedos which is not so good.

Right from the get go was struggling. Despite the nods of acceptance after the brief, once in
the water it was plain to see they had other ideas. Much like taking the kids to the park and
seeing them run off in totally different directions, needed to decide instantly which ones were
my favourites and chase after them. don't think there was a single moment that actually
had control of all 4 of them, but as the saying goes, 'As long as your Buddy is in the same
3

ocean, then all is well'! Being a relatively new DM at that point, rather bit my lip and crossed
my fingers that it would all work out and indeed it did. By the end of day 3, despite not really
having any real control of events, they (and me) had had a great time and one that will not
forget. was presented with a new cap and quite bizarrely, some lobster eyes in a little
presentation case. even keep in touch with them to this day.

%he nstructor Development Course (DC) is perhaps the most structured of all the
qualifications you can take. Having already completed the Dive Master and shown that you
have mastered the non-verbal side of diving, it is taken for granted than you are an 'expert'
and the next stage is to learn to actually teach people how to dive. t sounds daunting and it
is, but for me it was what was all about, the whole reason for leaving the UK in the first
place. %he DC is structured in every way. You have a start date, a daily schedule and
hopefully, will successfully complete the course about a week later. mmediately after the DC,
each candidate then completes the nstructor Examination (E) which formally marks your
entry into the higher echelons of the diving fraternity or some bullshit like that!

found the DC really interesting and not really very difficult. Having ploughed my way through
the text books, learning in great detail about the physics and physiology of diving etc, it was
now a matter of learning the methodology of training others. With a background in training
(albeit in %) and English as my first language, was at an advantage. My fellow students in
the course from not just from other dive shops on Phi Phi, but some had travelled in from
other islands as well because not every dive shop is allowed to provide the DC and E
course. Being a PAD dive centre, Moskito Diving was a 5* shop and provided the necessary
standards to run an nstructor course. My Course Director (the guy who would actually train
us) was a Norwegian called Bent, rather apt for a diver don't you think? n case you don't
know, being 'bent' or 'getting the bends' is a term relating to Decompression Sickness,
something will come back to later.

Each morning was predominantly in the classroom, learning how to teach. %he nstructor
would obviously be the one who taught a wide variety of courses and would call upon a DM if
required. Because of the subject matter of learning to dive and then the further education
courses, it is pre-requisite that all nstructors 'sing from the same hymn sheet', meaning they
all learn a standard approach to training. %his was probably the hardest part to me as had to
re-learn a training technique, just to keep Mr. PAD happy. f any of us swayed from this
'hymn sheet' in anyway, it was marked against us. However, once you got to grips with the
requirements and the manner and style of presenting, it was pretty straightforward. %o be
perfectly honest, we all knew that once the course was complete, we would inevitably find our
own style of teaching and by doing so, this would allow us to teach with greater confidence
and certainly with greater fluidity.

%he sessions in the shallow waters off the beach were in a similar format. Each one of us
would be tasked with presenting a certain skill or requirement, would go through the routine of
the how and why and whatever of this task and then get on with it. nevitably, we would fuck
up which was to be expected and was almost wanted. Only by making a mess in the confines
of shallow water, could you gain the confidence to do it right the next time around, live in front
of a studio audience, or in our case, people who were paying good money to learn from us.
Day by day, we all got better. Some were hesitant about presenting in front of class, others
were not so confident with speaking English. One guy was just lazy and it showed.

%he nstructor Examination was a pretty terrifying affair. For me, so much was at stake.
wanted this so much, far more than my A-levels and Degree. %hey were just a process to
move forward; this actually meant something to me. %he E was conducted by an external
examiner who was not connected to either Bent or the Moskito. He flew in especially to run
this day exam and then he would head off elsewhere to examine another set of muppets.
Sounds like a cool job but can appreciate it isn't. Basically, his days were spent either in a
classroom with us as we took another 5 exams, or sat in very shallow water, watching us as
we presented our in-water skills. ob done, he was off again in search of more.

managed to get through the exams in one piece. can't say enjoyed my time in the books
but it was a necessary evil. failed to get 100% on any of the papers but was somewhat gob
smacked when one of my fellow classmates did exactly that. 100% on each paper. Even
33

more astounding to me was that English was his second language. What sort of dumb ass am
?

When it came to my moment of fame in the water, it was towards the end of day . t was
starting to get dark and even a little chilly and could tell the examiner was thinking of better
times. However, 3 of us still need to prove ourselves so we sunk to the bottom of the deep
blue sea (well about 1m (3ft) down). As one of my classmates was demonstrating his skills,
noticed an oil of some kind directly above our heads. Once we were all finished, we simply
stood up and were about to congratulate ourselves on having successfully completed it all,
when we noticed that we were actually all covered in orange paint. t turned out that a %hai
guy was painting the side of the ferry dock, had knocked his paint into the water and it had
simply drifted right over the top of us. My mask, hair and regulators were covered in the stuff
and it wasn't going to come off easily. n fact, spent almost the entire following day trying to
clean it all off, not the best thing to be doing with a thundering hang over.

remember being enormously proud of myself for becoming and nstructor. t sounds a little
strange but had actually done (and paid for) something that really wanted to do. had just
turned 30 and for the first time in my life, was in control. Up until now, almost everything
had done was really because it was expected from me and had also been paid for by
someone else (school, university, job). Becoming a Scuba Diving nstructor was quite simply
all about me; it was My World, My Love, My Passion.

Some of the wildlife underwater in %hailand was absolutely superb and most of it was new to
me. Depending on the site and the time of year, we could find all sorts of stuff. Nudibranchs
tended to be favourites among the girls. Basically, they are glorified slugs but unlike the pests
in your garden, these are different sizes and come in a huge variety of colours. %he boys
used to dream up ways of killing them! My preference was to take a ping pong bat and stick
nails around its perimeter. %hen when found the nudi-slugs, could simply whack them with
my ping-pong bat. Of course we never actually did this, but the idea was there. Rays and
Lionfish were common, along with %rigger fish and Moorish idols. We found the apanese had
a great eye for the small stuff and seemed to be able to sniff out the Seahorses and host
pipefish from miles away. was and still am, hopeless at finding the little things in life.

For weeks on end, there was a spot on a sea wall where would always feel and hear a
popping sound in my ear, always at 30m (100ft). often thought about what was happening
but never figured it out until followed another group ahead of me. Hanging back to see why
they had stopped in the same spot, began to see what was happening. A small cleaner
wrasse had swum off the wall and was popping in and out of the leader's ears. She then
carefully cupped her hand, allowing the fish to move across her mask and into the other ear
for a nibble. Mystery solved.

loved the big fish in particular and asides from the Whales Sharks and Mantas that got in the
way of a good dive, my all time favourite was the Leopard Shark. For anyone who is anxious
about sharks and the mere thought of them conjures up the image of being chomped to death
by aws, then the Leopard would totally wipe out this image. From birth, they are known as
Zebra sharks on account of their black and white marks. ust as the saying goes, this shark
really can change its spots and takes on a Leopard colouration. %hough they can grow to
more than .5m (8ft), the only way they could kill you was to kiss you to death. With little more
than a cheese grater in their mouth for teeth, they are completely harmless.

When was training to be a Dive Master, was tasked with mapping a dive site with an
underwater slate and pencil, drawing out a series of pinnacles, noting the depth, direction and
distance of the area. As you can imagine, this is a relatively intense but fun exercise. t was
so interesting in fact, a Leopard shark came to give me a hand. Having swum around me a
couple of times, he came back to lay right beside me, just like my dog used to do if was lying
besides the fire watching %V.

On another occasion, had a group of around 6 divers behind me and as turned to check on
them all, noticed we were being caught by Leopards. Of course, to some divers this could
be a little alarming to see them cruise below us. As one of the sharks swum under me, it
inverted its body to show me its belly and after had given him a little rub down, it rolled over
34

again and carried on its day. t is magical moments like this that give me some of my best
memories to date.

35

hapter 6
Partying Like a Lady Boy on Heat


%here is only one way to celebrate the completion of the Dive Master course. %he Snorkel
%est. Call me nave, but had never heard of the Snorkel %est until the evening did it. %he
conversation doesn't come up much in the pubs of SW London. %o coin just a couple of
clichs, 'Seeing is Believing' and 'Once is Definitely Enough'. As a poor student, we
occasionally practiced '%equila Snorters', the poor mans cocaine. f you ever need to get very
drunk, very quickly and very cheaply, then pay attention. t was a simple recipe but incredibly
effective. deal as a remedy for the common cold as well, by the way. n true Blue Peter style,
you will need:

1. 1 x relatively large straw, similar to one from any McD's.
. 1 x shot of %equila.

O %ake the straw and place in shot glass of tequila. Once the tequila is in the straw,
place your finger over the top, to form an air tight seal. You will have a relatively small
amount of tequila held by the vacuum.
O Bring the straw to your nostril, maintaining the air tight seal.
O n one direct motion, sniff violently through your nose, while releasing your finger from
the top of the straw.
O Pass the straw to your Buddy. Wipe your eyes. %ake a minute to fall back down to
earth and then try not to swear!

%he intensity of the tequila against the septum of your nose is intense to say the least.
Although you have snorted very little alcohol, it was enough to make you very high, very
quickly. However, within 30 seconds it was all over. You can get at least 10 hits from a single
shot so as student entertainment, it was right up there.

%he Snorkel %est works in much the same way, only much, much worse. %he amount of
alcohol involved was truly shocking. For a relatively light drinker, can honestly say was
crapping myself at what was to come. For sure could have said no, but that really wasn't
going to happen now was it?

For this exercise you will need:

1. 1 x Mask and Snorkel. t doesn't matter what it looks like.
. 1 x Funnel stuck into the snorkel, taped up to form a water tight seal.
3. 1 x 'bucket' of alcohol. n %hailand, the local spirits are sold not in glasses or shots as
is the norm in any civilised society, but rather in a plastic bucket, much like the size
you may have taken to the seaside as a young kid. t would probably hold around 1
litre (quarter gallon) of liquid.

O Place the mask and snorkel over your head, much like you would if you were in the
water. You can only breathe through the snorkel as your nose is sealed within the
mask.
O With the assistance of your Buddy, the alcoholic concoction will be fed into the funnel
and thus into the snorkel. %his will probably include ice as well.
O You are now presented with a quandary. n order to breathe, you can either rip the
mask off and breathe through your nose or, drink the entire contents of the funnel and
snorkel, in one breath, until you reach fresh air and breathe.

can honestly say it was one of the worst self-imposed exercises have ever done and one
that really wouldn't want to repeat. t must be the closest feeling have ever had to actually
drowning. Water boarding in uantanamo must be a doddle to this. %here were rumours that
an American guy died as a result of the snorkel test, but as we all know, Americans have
never been able to hold their drink.
36


think it is fair to say that Phi Phi, along with most of SE Asia, is one big party. %he average
age of the tourist on the beach of Southern %hailand was probably under 30 and most were
graduates or young professionals, taking a couple of months off to travel and see a little bit of
the world. A lot of the backpackers were on a relatively well trodden route of visiting Vietnam,
Cambodia and Laos and where better to come and get some R&R than the glorious beaches
of %hailand? Most of them would continue the migration to Sydney. t makes me laugh really.
Half of Europe wants to go to Oz and yet it seems most of Oz wants to go to Europe.
Certainly, if you go into any pub in London, it is highly likely you will be served by a Kiwi,
Aussie or Saffer. Same goes for Sydney, only in reverse. Everyone is looking for their own
Shangri-La. Problem is, if everyone wants the same thing has anything really changed? Same
old shit really or as the %hais like to say, 'Same Same, But Different'.

Whilst we are on the topic of alcohol, there came a couple of 'turning points' in my life when
conscientiously decided that the amount of alcohol was pouring down my neck was probably
not such a good idea. Rather like the decision to definitively stop eating fish and sea food, it
required me to be very, very ill to compound the decision. Upon completion of my dive
courses, needed to get a number of passport sized photographs for the certification cards.
Although felt fit, strong and healthy at the time, my photograph truly shocked me. had been
on Phi Phi for a couple of months and was spending about 5 nights a week in one of many
bars on the island. wasn't getting drunk night after night, but was throwing more drink down
my neck than was was used to or was good for me. Consequently, was all puffed up like a
balloon and recognised was not looking at my finest. %hat photo still haunts my Dive
Master cert card.

%he far more sinister wake up call happened a few months afterwards. t was Low Season on
the island and relatively quiet. With over 50 nstructors in the High Season, this was reduced
to just over 100 or so in the Low Season. As the name suggests, everything at this time of
year (May October) tends to be a bit low. %he weather is warm but very wet and grey,
tourist numbers are low, rent is lower but so is income. Based on the fact that most of us were
working on 100% commission, low work meant low pay. However, one of the pluses was that
we were able to take some time off and get some well earned rest. %his was such an
occasion.

knew was not working the following day and was happy to celebrate this fact with a couple
of colleagues, ohn and Magnus. Magnus the Norwegian was due to work in the morning and
so bailed out quite early. ohn and carried on. We got on well and met some fun people on
our little pub crawls and it was great to take the time to chat to the other nstructors and get to
know them a little better. Meeting new people was pretty important, as 'sland Fever' would
set in if you saw the same old people, day after day. On this particular occasion, though ohn
and completely crashed and burned with the ladies, we did have a great night out and
eventually stumbled back to bed well after 03:00.

remained unconscious until was rudely awoken from my catatonic haze, shortly before
08:00. Miyako, a apanese colleague from Moskito, was banging on my door and shouting if
could come to work because Magnus had failed to show. was confused and tired but
alarmingly, felt very well. After the usual cold shower and 5 second commute, was at work.
Because Magnus lived about 15 minutes walk from the shop, about as far as you could get in
the village, was far more accessible and hence the early morning wake up.

By the time arrived, everything had been sorted out and we all walked to the beach and
jumped on the dive boat. grabbed a Mars bar for breakie and looked forward to the day. %he
sun was shining and warm and looked forward to guiding a apanese girl whom already
knew and had dived with. %he first dive was fine. Nothing too exciting but was still breathing.
couldn't really face lunch and didn't touch my soggy baguette and as jumped in for the
second dive, felt a little light headed but none the less, pushed on with it.

After 0 minutes into the dive, started to feel a little 'jaded'. knew was not well, especially
as couldn't give a shit about the resident 3 finned turtle (called Flipper) as we passed by his
house. then started to wretch. Now, don't forget, was underwater at this time. was about
0m (60ft) deep when started to throw up. had never been in this predicament before and
3

they certainly hadn't covered this skill in the nstructor Course! Rather than bolt to the surface
which could be very dangerous, held the regulator in place and threw up which was also
very dangerous but also easier. %o be honest, wasn't even sure if was going to be able to
inhale through it again and so brought the back up regulator (Alternate Air Source or Octopus)
into my eyesight. breathed in and to my amazement, could taste clean air. Wow, my vomit
had simply gone right through the regulator and exhaust valves and expelled into the water
around me. Shortly afterwards, was surrounded by fish. then puked again and again and
again. %he fish went into a feeding frenzy. %hey were having a great time. felt like shit on a
stick.

As was quietly dying, my apanese Buddy carried on with her camera and was actually
quite proud had avoided detection. However, when she saw had become some sort of fish
magnet, she flapped on over and proceeded to take lots of photos. Right on cue, puked.
have to say, she did signal if was OK and should we go up, but being the 'professional' so
desperately wanted to become, signalled back for us to carry on. Oh dear.

After 0 minutes of fish feeding and constantly switching regulators as cleaned the dirty one,
succumbed to the inevitable and surfaced. By now, was not a well little badger. My belly
hurt, was dehydrated and what's more, was having a serious sense of humour failure with
Magnus who could only imagine was on land, having had a great sleep and a wonderful
banana milkshake and Nutella pancake for breakfast. Meanwhile, took up residence in the
boat's Head (bog, dunny, shit-pit, toilet, loo etc) all the way back to base. Once back on terra
firma, walked back to the shop and found Magnus looking very, very well but also very
apologetic. really didn't have the strength to talk to him. just dropped off my gear, told him
to wash it all and went to bed. did not surface for another 1 hours. have barely drunk since
and certainly don't drink when diving. Beside, the salt water spoils it.

found Phi Phi to be immensely rewarding and pretty liberating in many ways. By moving
overseas to somewhere completely different, you can almost reinvent yourself, though
inevitably you will always keep the same foundations and principals, well did anyway. No
matter what get up to, am always aware of who am and where am from. Living in the
tropics makes me a lot happier, more sociable, tolerant etc. love the sun and the heat.
Coming from a big city like London, it was all so 'charming and almost innocent' though if you
scratched beneath the surface, it was far from that. %here has to be a reason why anyone
would want to run away like did. ran because needed a change in career and to do
something that interested me. had come to %hailand with a purpose after all and think that
is important. wasn't exactly sitting on the beach all day, smoking pot and passing out but
knew dozens of wasters who were.

came across many characters out there and there was always a story behind them. We had
Berlin's biggest drugs dealer (allegedly) who had retired to run a fishing boat; We had a
retired Arms dealer (allegedly) who had made his money from the mayhem of Africa in the
1980's and 90's. We had guys who were running from the law, from family, from money
issues, from child support agencies. We had beautiful girls who were all fucked up, we had
ugly guys who wanted to have sex with anything. We had one of the world's best %attoo
artists among us. t was different, it was exciting and for the moment at least, loved it.

%hailand is famous for various things, the beaches, the diving, the women, the food etc. but
perhaps more than anything, the Lady Boys. am a heterosexual guy from a very traditional
background but have to say, the Lady Boys fascinated me. never saw them in a sexual or
in a derogatory way. saw them as fun loving people who were fantastic entertainers. f you
have never seen a Lady Boy, then you should definitely add it to your list of things to see
before you die. For the most part, Lady Boys are fantastically beautiful. %hey can be so
beautiful, it is truly terrifying and can appreciate why some men get all confused by them.

Believing in the old adage, 'f it is too good to be true...' Lady Boys tend to fall into that
category. Unlike many other cultures in SE Asia, homosexuality is generally accepted in
%hailand but have to say, Lady Boys are not exactly the same as your average homosexual,
if there is such a thing. Perhaps banished, perhaps encouraged by their families, hundreds of
young men head for the major cities and tourist traps of %hailand to seek their fame and
fortune. %rue Lady Boys require surgery and therefore money and most resort to prostitution
38

and cabaret dancing as a means of income. %hey say the %hai surgeons are the best in the
world at this type of thing and they certainly get enough practice. Right from the start, was
always told to look at their feet and their Adams Apple, as no matter how good the surgeon,
he cannot really alter these intrinsically male traits.

remember with great amusement, a time when took some guests to a cabaret bar in Phi
Phi. had been diving with a bunch of young Londoners who were on the backpacking route
from the UK to Australia. %hey were great friends from school and good fun to be around.
One by one, they each had bamboo tattoos on their upper arms, though it has to be said,
some were better than others.

On this occasion, ohn and kept quiet about the evening's entertainment at the Cabaret bar.
We all had a meal together, had a jar or and walked on over. As the show was about to
begin, one of the guys was keen to get a front row view, so we let him go. Drinks were duly
ordered from the bar and passed among the 6 of us. As the show began, the lights went down
and the cheer went up. Now, ohn and had been to this show on many occasions and the
one thing we had learned very quickly on, was never sit on the front row, don't volunteer and
never, ever look the Lady Boys in the eye! Our little friend in the front was not aware of this
rule. He was a happy as a little school boy in a sweetshop.

Before you could say 'Fuck me, what's that idiot up to now', our friend had been well and truly
picked on and was being dragged to the stage and stripped down to his M&S finest. %here
was a look of true shock on his face. %here was a look of sheer happiness from the rest of us.
think the general feeling was 'Rather you than me, mate'. Copious amounts of baby oil,
various fruits and other items later, our little hero was eventually released from the wild.
Perhaps very worryingly, he was completely un-phased by all this and in fact, when we
sauntered into another bar, the Lady Boys found him and the show continued!

enerally speaking, for all it faults, Phi Phi was a very tolerant and fairly conservative island.
Unlike the mainland, topless girls on the beach were fine (and was fine with that), there was
a minor trade in weed and other concoctions (even though the %hai government had a zero
tolerance to drugs and dealers would be executed) and alcohol was in plentiful supply. n
principal, slanders did not want outside interference (namely the Police) and so most issues
were sorted in a swift and quiet manner by the locals. f you got drunk and made an idiot of
yourself, the chances were you would be taken to the coconut tree outside the Police shed
and handcuffed to it all night until released in the morning. was fine with all of this.

Unlike the seedy areas of Phuket and Pattaya, Phi Phi was relatively clean. %he massage
houses were a place to get a massage and that was all. %here was no 'funny business' in
these places. %hey were dirt cheap as well. paid about 5 for the best hours of my life.
Having a massage was normally alongside up to a dozen others in a complete open plan
room. No one cared if you were practically naked or not. n fact, my first %hai massage was a
bit of an eye opener. had never had a massage in my life and casually stripped down to my
boxer shorts and lay face down on the mat, alongside a female tourist. hadn't even realise
she was completely starkers at this point.

Anyway there was, lying down, waiting. Before realised it, a little %hai girl suddenly touched
my feet. Now, anyone who knows me intimately will be able to tell you am very tender to the
touch, both on my flanks and my feet and without a chance in hell of stopping the inevitable,
twitched. n fact it was more than a twitch. My foot suddenly shot out and before knew it,
had well and truly kicked this beautiful young %hai girl in the face. honestly thought had
broken her nose. However, am glad to report that the %hais are made of Stern stuff and after
she assured me there was no damage, no blood in fact, she simply enquired "You %icklish?
Yes, am, very. She got a good tip that night and am delighted to report, became my regular
masseuse from them on.

%here were a few men on the island who may not have been Lady Boys but were definitely
more 'feminine'. One of these caused Keith and to have a bit of an disagreement. know
what you are thinking, but you are wrong, so very wrong. Not long after we arrived on the
island, we both wanted a haircut and were recommended a local guy called 'Dave' or
something like that. %he haircuts were fine. Cheap too. What caused the argument was clear.
39

Was 'Dave' was a guy or a girl. With long silky hair, he/she looked a little bit like Phil Oakey
from the 'Human League' in the 1980's. %o this day, we do not agree.


40

hapter 7
Magic Pants


Never let it be said that you do not own a pair of Magic Pants. did and they were great.

On a few occasions, escaped Phi Phi and its 'sland Fever'. %hese rare exceptions were
mostly spent in Phuket, the 'Pearl of %hailand'. t was always great to get off the island and
see somewhere different. t had decent shops, cinemas and fast food. Phi Phi served a wide
range of international and delicious food but once in a while, all you wanted was a crappy
hamburger from McD's. Of course as soon as ate it, regretted it. t was small things like this
that made me realise just what a load of junk thought needed in order to have a good time.

We all carry far too much baggage with us, and once in a while it is a very good idea to take
stock and chuck things out. %he affer is a very organised man and loves to meticulously file
everything away, never knowing if it would be needed at some stage in time. He has kept
every single email wrote to him and on a recent trip back to Wheldrake, he presented me
with hard copies of all my emails spanning 8 years and it has been great to revisit these
memories. Mind you, a couple of trees have been cleared in the process of printing out
several hundred letters. Chuck on the other hand is the complete opposite. She has a lovely
big filing cabinet. We like to call it 'Home'. No matter where she sits, she will drop and leave it.
ood Housekeeping magazines litter the place, which is a tad ironic.

was having a shower one day in Phi Phi, when looked around my bathroom and realised
how very little had (don't be crude). one were the hair gels, the comb, the smelly things,
the aftershave etc. All had was a toothbrush and paste, shampoo and shaving stuff.
Everything else was irrelevant. Without realising, had become very comfortable with a
minimalist lifestyle. For a long while, had no laptop, no CD player, certainly no %V or DVD. f
wanted to watch a movie, there were plenty of cafs on the island where could go and grab
a bite as watched the latest release, albeit a fake copy.

n the West, it is absolutely true we are constantly bombarded with stuff we are told we need.
We know we don't need it, but some of us can't resist the urge. have never had the urge to
buy the latest range of incontinence pants, mobility chair or hire a lawyer to fight my case, but
do love gadgets. Always have, always will. bought my first %V when was 14 with my own
money from the farm. As soon as got to Uni, bought a VCR and CD Player. went on to
mini disks and eventually to MP3. love my iPod and Smart phone. could not live without my
laptop or the internet. Well, there in lies the rub. could live without this crap, just choose not
to. t makes me feel better, happy even. Same for my Magic Pants.

was in Phuket, having secured a 48 hour pass from the shop. t is always a good idea to dry
out anyway. Diving day after day for months on end is very tiring can assure you. %hailand
made me see the value in full employment, something that should be thoroughly encouraged
in the UK. 'needed' to buy a trolley for my heavy dive bag. had a huge bag at the time, but
it was not on wheels and so moving it about was a right Royal pain. headed to the main
department store in Phuket %own and was greeted at the door by young men in white
gloves. Nice. %he door was duly opened and was greeted once more by another young man.
Explaining what was looking for, was informed could find it on the 3
rd
floor and so
headed towards the escalators. Rather unexpectedly, had company for my short walk and
the trip up to 3
rd
floor. Fair enough. Once safely delivered to the department, my body guard
took his leave, but not before was formally introduced to my personal shoppers. Within
seconds, a range of bad trolleys were laid before me. We tested them all and came to the
conclusion that the best one was the most expensive one. Okey Dokey.

was then escorted to the sales desk whereupon my shopper drifted back in to the darkness.
%he trolley was scanned by a lovely %hai girl, who then passed it to her lovely assistant to
wrap. didn't really need it wrapping but what the hell. Once wrapped, it was then handed to
another girl to be bagged. Looking back at it, it reminds me a little of the classic scene in the
41

movie 'Love Actually' where Rowan Atkinson is serving Alan Rickman and takes an inordinate
amount of time in packaging up the necklace. By now, had been served by 8 people but
was not finished, or rather they were not yet finished with me.

%his was 00, FFA World Cup year. Despite %hailand not being in the finals, England were
and that meant David Beckham was officially a od! Coca Cola had obviously signed a deal
(otherwise there were a shed load of fake Coke cans floating about) with several England
players and their photos adorned everything Coca Cola. David Beckham, Michael Owen and
David Seaman were looking at me, all of the time. Because was English and the clever
%hais had somehow worked this out, it was obvious would like to see the entire range of
World Cup merchandise. was delivered to the lower floor of this grand department store and
if had really given a crap about it, it would have been a magnificent sight. Row after row of
England memorabilia. t seemed that no other nation played football that year. May be they
weren't but somehow we still didn't win it, so am assuming someone else turned up to South
Korea.

With a look of astonishment. completely by-passed all this stuff. am not much of a footy fan
and certainly did not need a pair of shorts with Seaman all over them. However, something
else caught my eye. Pants.

Now, lowering to a very personal level, wear boxer shorts in bed. t is a funny thing but get
too hot when am 'au naturel' and so have worn boxers for many a year. Here was my time
to invest in some new ones. Silk boxers are all well and good but the ones have previously
owned tend to be crap and don't survive the washing machine. What was needed was
something that looked like silk, felt like silk but were in fact something else. "Ahh said my
%hai friends. "You need Magic Pants and you know what, did. %hey were magnificent pants.
A blend of silk and cotton, in a multitude of colours and best of all, they had my size. As
anyone will tell you who lived in SE Asia, what they see as large, we in the West would tend
to call skinny. Even better, each pair cost about 50p (80c). bought 6 pairs and have to say
they lasted me 5 years. You do the math. Amazing %hailand had struck in the most unlikely of
places.

Another reason my fellow dive nstructors had to leave the island was for the famous 'Visa
Run'. Now, call me nave (again) but had no idea what this was all about but it sounded
exciting. Perhaps it was a version of the 'Running of the Bulls' in Pamplona? My original visa
to %hailand had been through the %hai Embassy in London and allowed me 60 days, though
was not allowed to work. Fair enough, came to Phi Phi to study and not to work. %he rest
were mere details. Before knew it, my time was up and needed to get a new visa sorted. As
explained before, being an island, Phi Phi tended to sort its issues out internally and no one
really wanted outside interference from mmigration and the Police. Having a work permit
would probably have been a good idea but they were expensive and hard to come by. n fact,
Moskito was only allocated very few permits and these were no where near enough to keep
the shop alive, officially speaking. As a result, almost all workers on the island were 'tourists'
and thus, the tourist visa would suffice.

Occasionally, mmigration officials came to visit the island. Unfortunately for them, they could
never sneak over unannounced. %hey had to take the ferry along with everyone else and
dressed in the spray-on tight uniforms that are so popular out there. %hey stuck out from all
the smelly backpackers who rolled off the ferry with them. Consequently, word spread like
wild fire when they were on island and suddenly the dive shops and bars emptied of staff. All
company %-shirts were swapped for personal ones and the staff hopped to the other side of
the counter, pretending to be tourists for the evening. t was quite fun actually.

Moskito was a bit of an exception to this rule. We were never 'interfered' with by the
authorities and the owner was politely left alone to carry on his business. Heinz, had been on
the island since 198 and to some extent, he had it all sorted. His mate P owned the best
restaurant on the island, Fattys. Another mate, Blue provided the 'supplies' and his wife, Oi
was arguably the most beautiful %hai had ever seen. n no uncertain terms, Heinz paid off
the mmigration authorities and instead of coming to raid us, they usually came to exchange
gifts or have a beer with us all. Far more civilised thought. n fact, if the authorities ever
needed help in an underwater capacity, they tended to come and find Moskito rather than
4

bother the Royal %hai Navy. took comfort in the knowledge that was protected and that as
long as didn't fuck up, would be OK.

etting back to the Visa Run, this was slightly different to the Work Permit. Making sure your
visa stamp was current was very important. f you over stayed your visa and were caught
trying to leave, you could be hung, well maybe imprisoned. Not that have seen the insides of
a %hai prison but do remember seeing 'Bangkok Hilton' on the telly and it did not look like my
kind of hotel. For the most part, renewing the passport endured the infamous Visa Run. For
most nationalities living on Phi Phi, this required a crappy journey to the southern %hai border
town of Padang Basar. enerally it was a straight forward affair. Cross the border into
Malaysia. Have a cup of tea and cross back again. Pick up the same mini van and head on
back to Phi Phi. t involved at least one night in a crappy hotel and the bus journey was pretty
dull, but it was a necessary evil to remain an official tourist. Hell, we wouldn't want to be illegal
now would we?

was a lucky git in so many ways and the Visa Run was one of them. t was not in the shop's
interest for me to be away for 4 hours each month. t cost me time and money to do this
journey and it meant the shop was short staffed in my absence and this applied to almost all
the staff each month. What Heinz organised was far more efficient. A couple of days before
the renewal date, handed my passport to Heinz and he would 'deal with it'. Basically that
meant my passport was put on the ferry by someone ( have no idea who) and driven to the
border along with other 'tourists'. Once there, my unknown driver would go up to a friendly
mmigration officer with the offer of a 'cup of tea' for his troubles and my passport was
stamped. A couple of days later, had it back in my hand. t really was as simple as that.
Now, how many of you out there can honestly say that your passport has visited more
countries than you have?

Of course it did not always go according to plan. %here were a couple of Swedish girls who
found a friendly travel agent to do the 'business' on their behalf and duly handed over
Swedish passports and enough money for a few 'cups of tea'. A couple of days later, they
returned to the travel agent but alas their passports were not there. A few days later, no news.
A week passed and they were still absent. %he decision was made they would need to go all
the way to Bangkok and get new passports, but at least the travel agent would sort out the
arrangements. How kind. magine their surprise, with bags packed, they went to pick up the
tickets and were instead presented with their rather soggy passports. For some unknown
reason, the passports had never left the island. n fact they were found in the garbage bin.
%hat is no way to treat the Royal Kingdom of Sweden-land, is it?





43

hapter 8
I Love You Long Time


%hroughout the 18 months spent in %hailand, a fair few people made the effort to come and
see me, amazingly enough. Oh, who am kidding? %hey didn't come to see me; they came
for the beaches and the sunshine. t was just a bonus if happened to live there and they got
cheap accommodation and food. friends came my way in the 18 months worked on Phi
Phi.

Some came en-route to the New World or a better world, some were travelling from A to B
and happened to get in the way. Occasionally 1 or came specifically to see me and what
we got up to will remain securely locked in our memories, thank you very much. Some came
for a day, others for a couple of weeks. can honestly say it was fantastic to see each and
every one of them. also have to say there was no love interest with any of my mates
whatsoever. seem to have a far better chance with girls who didn't actually know me, so that
tells you a lot right there.

Funnily enough, never really dabbled with the local population even though some of the %hai
girls were gorgeous. However, you have to be a little careful with the outwardly gorgeous
ones, for reasons as outlined before. We all know the Swedes are a race of beautiful people,
but rather like Simon Cowell and the average Premiership footballer, perhaps they love
themselves just a little bit too much. don't go in for girls who spend hours caking themselves
in war paint. much prefer the natural look.

%he Swedish guys made me laugh the most and it certainly wasn't because of their humour.
On too many occasions, would see some plonker in the bar, obviously having spent hours
on his hair and clothes but still managed to look like a complete cock! Another side of the
Swedes failed to really get was their love affair with Snus tobacco. As a non-smoker, was
intrigued about the stuff. t is banned in the EU but allowed in Sweden and Norway,
something about Cultural reasons which is why some nations are allowed to hunt whales, but
don't get me started on that one. Unlike smoking tobacco, they roll it up in to a ball or it comes
in what looks like a mini-teabag, and shove it up their gums. With a bulging lip, the tobacco
then dissipates into the bloodstream for a rush. %hey all thought it was the dogs bollocks and
cool. %he Swedish girls all seemed to 'dig' this look for some reason. %he rest of us thought
they looked like an even bigger cock! Still, do love the Swedes and everything they want to
be. had some great times messing about with them.

%he nationality truly did love was the Norwegians and it is true, fell for a Norwegian while
was out there. Having grown up in York, like to pretend have a little Viking in me. Certainly,
enjoyed my times with the ones met. No where near as vain as their neighbours, the
Norwegians were far more modest and underestimated but devastating none the less.
actually had a couple of Norwegian girlfriends and look back at these times with a big smile.
%hey were beautiful girls, very easy to talk to with cracking 'personalities'.

Moskito was a popular choice for apanese divers, mainly because there were 3 or 4 full time
apanese nstructors to dive with them. really enjoyed their company and intrigued by their
culture and just how different it was. Understanding cultures is a major part of why enjoy
travelling and living abroad. Being engulfed in a foreign culture and seeing how the world ticks
can be fascinating, rewarding and immensely frustrating in equal measures. One of my
fondest stories involved 5 apanese flight attendants who came to dive with us.

%hey were all petit, immaculate and incredibly sweet. You can imagine how gorgeous they
were, they certainly dressed the part. %he fact that they were totally rubbish at diving is
neither here nor there. %he dress code on Phi Phi was not exactly formal, but it was
marvellous to see these girls make the effort. Most of us would stagger into the dive shop in
the morning, normally nursing a hangover and wearing a grotty pair of shorts and sunglasses.
%hese girls didn't. Wearing immaculate clothes, full make up and waterproof mascara, they
44

tip-toed across the beach in their high heels and into the shop. have never seen anything
quite like it and loved them for that. One of my favourite photos is with them all on the back
of the boat's sun deck after a hard day at work.

don't think really understand the mentality of the average Brit and perhaps British girls most
of all. %hat is my excuse for not dating too many of them anyway. My own scientific research
gave me a bit of an insight into their mentality. noticed British girls were far more likely to
start a dive course, but not because they wanted to, but rather they wanted to make their fella
happy. %his may all sound sweet and lovey-dovey, but the problem is diving is such a
psychological challenge and if you heart is not in it, it seldom works.

On one occasion it all went a bit topsy-turvy. As per usual, it was the big guy who was
particularly keen to learn and so the girlfriend came along in a supporting role. Problem was,
he was unable to cope with being underwater and we stopped the course. He fully expected
his girlfriend to cancel as well but she was having none of it. She had an instant love of diving
and was determined to carry on. %he boyfriend did not like this at all and each time we came
off the boat from a tough day out on the water, she had to refrain from showing too much
excitement in front of him. Perhaps their love life was the same?

%he %hai girls were always great fun to be around. My grasp of the %hai language went from
strength to strength each and every day. When first arrived in anuary 00, could not
speak a word. %his soon changed and by the time left in 003, had picked up no less than
5 phrases. Most of these were learnt on the boat with the local Crew, so were either diving
related or very, very rude! Often it was both.

t is sad, but it is hard to escape the stereotype about %hai girls to some extent, that they will
say anything to anyone to get some money or get a passport. Of course, this is not the case
at all. %he ones knew, including a doped up, pissed up hooker called Anna (probably
formerly known as Alan or Dave), seemed to be very sincere and actually equally as reticent
about striking up a relationship with a Farang (basically a foreigner), as some of the Whiteys
were with them. have to say, for the most part truly enjoyed being a single guy out there,
never really knowing what the ferry would bring in. Sometimes went through a relatively dry
patch but was never too far away from being able to try out my Bungalow Diving skills on
some poor unsuspecting lovely.

will never forget the time in Phuket when innocently found an internet caf to check my
emails. t was pretty busy with young %hai girls but didn't really notice that at first. bought a
Coke, took a seat at the PC and logged in. %he %hai girl next to me looked over and smiled.
smiled back and continued with what was doing. Next thing knew, her hand was in my lap.
Fair enough, friendly people and all that. smiled, moved her hand off my nuts and continued
to download in the more conventional way. Call me a prude, but this was hardly the place!

She didn't seem to take any offence and duly went back to what she was doing. was
intrigued and couldn't help but take a peak at her screen and could see she had multiple
Windows open. Clever girl, thought. She should be in %. Looking a little closer, could see
she was actually working on multiple email accounts and had several MSN Messenger
accounts running concurrently as well. With the help of a web cam, could see she was
actively 'talking' to what looked like the United Nations of Sleazebags. %here were fatties,
skinnies, Whiteys and Asians and she was simply moving through them all, promising her
sweet lovin' to each and every one of them. Clever girl thought. She should move out of %
and into Politics. When my new friend noticed was now far more interested in what she was
up to, she laughed. She then pointed to all her friends who were in the room as well. No
kidding, there were a dozen %hai hookers in there, all providing their eLovin' to multiple guys
at a time. t takes a lot, but was impressed.

learned more in that 10 minutes than had done all year. %hese girls had it all sorted. For
sure, they were hookers and no doubt that was not the best job in the world. We can all go
into the reasons why they do this, but the reality is, this is how they paid the bills. %hey were
making the best of a bad deal and milking these guys for what they could get. For sure, most
of the guys would turn up, pay for a day or of cheap sex and companionship and then leave.
However, there was obviously a market for keeping in contact with several of these guys,
45

showing them a grand old time when they were in town and milking them for money on a
continuous basis. f they could have a dozen or so guys who would all send them a small
amount of money each month, their lives may be just that little bit more bearable.

ust to emphasise the lengths at which these girls had to go through, remember being in a
bar out there with a mate who simply said to me, "Do you think they are in love? while
pointing to a couple in the corner. was truly shocked. n what can only describe as 'abba
the Hutt', could see a huge fat bloke, wallowing about on a sofa with a tiny %hai girl tucked
into his ample man boobs. She looked truly sad.

have to say, probably did have my fair share of fun and games with the ladies. do love
women and love to talk to them as well as other things. am truly intrigued about other
cultures and make what makes them tick. For sure, living on Phi Phi made my life a whole lot
easier in this department. Living in London and indeed almost anywhere else, it is not so easy
to simply strike up conversation with people without them looking at you as if you are some
sort of depraved pervert. %he London Underground is the worst. No one looks at anyone, no
one speaks, no one even smiles. We all conform, reading newspapers and listening to music.
We all want our own patch of space and heaven forbid anyone who would attempt to break
this mould. %he only real way could strike up a conversation with someone new, is when
was introduced to them beforehand. %he best thing about Phi Phi was that these rules went
out the window. ame on.

People always relax when they are on holiday. %hey can change, be who they want to be and
do what they want to do, not what others think they should do. %his is especially true when
travelling alone. t is so liberating. have done all sorts of shit when travelling alone.
Obviously those on holiday tend to be a lot more relaxed, open to new experiences and less
judgemental. %he job did brought me into contact with lots of people from around the world
and diving has been a great introduction for me to meet some truly wonderful people, some of
whom will be friends and love for the rest of my life. Certainly, ' Love You Long %ime' has a
great ring to it.

46

hapter 9
No Mr. Bond, I Expect You To Die!


am sure there are a number of movies that have be filmed in Southern %hailand but that
jump out at me are '%he Man With %he olden un (194)' and '%he Beach (000)'.

have always been a great fan of 00. Suave, sophisticated and one of many British
successes stories on the silver screen. rowing up in the 0's, Roger Moore was imprinted in
my mind as ames Bond. His one liners, the beautiful girls, the fantastic cars. Who could not
fall in love with it all?

n August 003, took a couple of weeks off from diving. t was getting towards the end of the
Low Season and needed to dry out and try something a little different and so decided take
a sailing course. Having already met eorge, a Sun Sail nstructor, decided it would be a
laugh to learn with him. Prior to leaving for Phuket, an English guy called Nick came and
dived with me at Moskito and quite by chance, we quickly figured out we were both on the
same sailing course. Upon arriving at Phuket Marina, we met eorge and the other
members of our team. Nick and were on board to take the RYA Day Skippers licence,
whereas Bernhard and his wife Alice were there for the Competent Crew course. Basically,
they would be our Sail Bitches for the week!

We spent the next 4 days floating and flapping about the Andaman sea, the area between
Phuket, Phi Phi and Krabi. Day 1 was all very exciting but the best bit was our time ashore the
first evening. We moored off the small island of Ko Mai %hon, somewhere in the middle of
nowhere and somewhere we knew nothing about. Although we moored off the island and
didn't intend to go ashore at first, it soon became apparent we needed to. %he boat was
rapidly becoming far too small for us all and we all needed some space. Being on a 10m
(3ft) Oceanis, it was a little tight. Besides, the island resort looked rather stunning.

n our tiny RB, we paddled the short distance from the yacht to the small dock. As we
climbed up, we were greeted by the resort Crew. thought they had come to arrest us but far
from it. %hey insisted on driving us the 50m to the Reception and so we all bundled into the
golf cart, passed by the helipad and were duly greeted by a refreshing cocktail. %hinking that
eorge had actually set this all up in advance, we were duly impressed. t took a lot of
persuasion from him to convince us he had never actually been here either. Still, cocktails
down, another one duly arrived.

After a couple of hours of free cocktails and food, we figured out Ko Mai %on was playing host
to a large group of talian %ravel Agents who were there on a Familiarity (Fam) trip with a view
to selling it to their customers. Ko Mai %on is also known as Honeymoon sland and is
generally regarded as one of the most exclusive of all the islands there. certainly loved it.
Still, no room at the inn and so we headed back to the yacht to sleep. preferred to sleep on
deck and woke with the sunrise each morning. Now that is something would recommend
everyone does once in their life, weather permitting of course.

On day 4 of the course, we visited ames Bond island, named after the movie, '%he Man With
%he olden un'. would describe it for the travel book as 'A stunning location, meticulously
spoilt by tourism'. oing ashore was such a let down. Having taken the obligatory photos, you
are then hassled off the island by local guys trying to sell plastic crap to you. Sailing through
the limestone islands was truly an experience, though it was pretty tricky to navigate as each
island tended to look like the last. Never has this been highlighted so much than on day 5
when Alice took the helm. %he rest of us were down below, learning all about the maps and
charts, all part of basic piloting. n theory, Alice was left to steer us towards an island. Nothing
terribly difficult about that. Big island, right in front of us. Steer the pointy bit at that hard rocky
bit and all would be well. %here was very little wind and very little need to tack or jibe, or so
we thought. %ime and again, we sensed we were veering off course and in fact we were in the
process of turning in circles. Alice had no clue how to steer a boat in a straight line. t really
4

was very odd. OK, so maybe aiming at an island was not for her. %ry aiming according to the
compass. No, this was no good either. OK, let's try aiming at a small part of the island. At first
we thought it would all be OK and she was just a little unsure of her sense of navigation. After
the 5
th
time of going around and around, the helm was well and truly taken back and she was
unceremoniously despatched to the galley to make the sandwiches.

Back on the Moskito dive boat, lunch tended to be a rather dull affair (same old baguettes or
cold 'flied lice') but it was always in the most astonishing of locations. No more so than in
Maya Bay, the home of '%he Beach', the fictional place where a young Leonardo DiCaprio
goes about finding himself. could and still can, relate to some of that movie. We all could.
was looking for something and somewhere a little more exciting but the problem was, so was
everyone else and so we all ended up being together, albeit in 'Paradise'. %he movie was
filmed all over %hailand but a large chunk was in Maya Bay. %he locals had mixed feelings
about Hollywood coming to their part of the world. t provided employment and put them well
and truly on the tourist map, but they did move things around a bit. %he film set was literally
re-arranged for the benefit of the cameras. Coconut trees were moved, the sand was cleaned,
the area was sealed off to tourists etc. However, the general consensus seemed to be
positive. %he beach was pretty much returned to its original beauty, only cleaner.

%ourism was a huge part of Phi Phi and as we all know, it is a double edged sword. %he
money and benefits it brings to a relatively unknown part of the world can be immense.
However, it can also spoil and rip a place apart. reed, corruption and bad management are
pretty common complaints but it can be bloody funny as well. Phi Phi roughly had less than
1000 inhabitants and would argue that was one of them. However, the tourist numbers
would swell this number, easily past 3000 on any given day. %hey were there for the diving,
the beaches, the fun and games. One such game was %hai Boxing.

%hai Boxing is fun to watch, probably all the more so when you suspect that the kids who are
kicking each other are really only practicing and not really giving it their all. %hey jump about,
kicking and hitting but basically little damage seems to be done. Occasionally however,
contact will be a little harder than usual and then it can all kick off. Best of all was when an
occasional tourist looks at them and thinks he could do better! Normally he is pissed and
egged on by his mates and so for that reason, no one was allowed to simply stand up and get
inside the ring. Anyone wishing to be smacked about the face and kicked in the nuts had to
apply in the correct manner with 4 hours notice. Now you can't be fairer than that.

Word spread like wildfire when a tourist thought he was 'hard enough'. Oh, that was tonight's
entertainment sorted right there and then. %he Boxing Bar tended to be very busy on 'Nutter
Nights' and you could see the local %hai guys were up for it. nevitably, the tourist ( must
have seen about 0 guys from all over the world) would enter the ring, all pumped up and
looking to give the crowd a good time. After all, he would be fighting one the %hais who was
fighting the night before and it did indeed, all look a bit lame. 5 seconds after the piercing
scream of the horn, the look on the Nutter's face said it all. Oh shit! He would be lucky to land
a punch and even luckier to still be standing after the 1
st
round. Each punch and kick the %hai
guy landed would simply not be resisted nor returned. %he %hai guys were far too smart for
this. %hey were in their element after all. Occasionally blood would be spilt but this was not
often. do remember an American guy put up good fight for a few rounds, landed several
punches and kicks and all was looking fairly solid. Unfortunate then, that he spent the night in
hospital once his opponent had actually warmed up.

Another bunch of tourists that cannot forget came on a yacht. Now have seen a few yachts
in my time, but this one took the biscuit. %here was, sitting in the shop on one of the few
days was not diving. A young chap came in and we chatted about diving and what there was
to see. He was pretty convinced and signed up. n addition to him, he signed on behalf of
others. At this time, still hadn't much of a clue about him or where he was from. However,
when he asked if we could pick them all up from the yacht, rather than come into the shop in
the morning, was intrigued. had heard a super yacht was in the bay but did not think too
much of it at first. %urns out that Scott and his mates were part of the Crew. %he ship was
called '%atoosh', a 90m (300ft) super yacht. t is something of beauty can assure you.
Owned by Paul Allen, the co-founder of a small software company called Microsoft, at the
48

time it was the 3
rd
largest yacht in the USA. Funnily enough, it was 1 of 3 yachts that Mr. Allen
owns and later saw his largest one, 'Octopus' in St. Barths a couple of years later.

Scott was the chopper pilot and the following day, we duly went and picked up the Crew who
were on their way from the ndian Ocean through to Palau. Envious was not the word for me
at this point. %he yacht was amazing that is for sure. was more pleasantly surprised at how
nice the Crew were as well. rather thought they would all be up themselves and full of it, but
nothing could be further from the truth. A week later, happened to be in a bar in Phuket and
bumped into them all again and had a great time. actually wanted to get a job aboard
'%atoosh', but no such luck.

%here comes a time in every ones life to move on and after 18 months on Phi Phi, my time
had come. loved being there. Moskito Diving had been a great home to me and one that
remember with great affection. Heinz had been a tough but fair guy to work for and was very
touched when he persistently asked me to stay. We came from very different backgrounds
but we had a common ground, namely providing the very best service we could for the paying
customer. He had a beautiful family, Oi his wife and the 3 young kids, Anna and %ina and little
Dino who by the age of 4, was already speaking %hai, erman and English. struggle with
English at the best of times. We kept in touch on a regular basis via email from the day left in
une 003. %ragically that all stopped on 6
th
December 004. R..P. Heinz, %ina and Anna.


49

hapter 10
Did I Ever TeII You The Time I Was Deported?


My main reason for leaving Phi Phi was economics. October 00 had seen the devastating
bombing in Bali, ndonesia and although not directly affected, tourism took a nose dive
throughout S.E. Asia as overnments urged their citizens to re-think their plans and find
another beach to go and party. ust as the region was getting back on its feet, SARS came
along and was supposedly going to kill us all (only it didn't really). %he Severe Acute
Respiratory System near pandemic of November 00 - May 003 killed over 50 people
worldwide, almost 10% of those infected. think more people die from sneezing.

Although was not infected, my pay packet was directly affected. %ravel restrictions
throughout the region pretty much killed off tourism. was paid on a 100% commission basis
and so if didn't dive, didn't earn. However that didn't mean was able to go and sit on the
beach all day. was still required to be in the shop all day, trying to woo customers who were
simply not on the island. remember sitting there for 4 days in a row and did not earn a single
Baht. t had come to the stage was actually losing money by being at work.

Frustratingly, %hailand was not even infected. %here wasn't a single SARS related death
within the Kingdom, though it was prevalent in area such as China, %aiwan and Singapore. n
fact the %hai overnment were so keen to stress how safe it was, they were willing to pay
$100,000 to anyone who was infected in the country, $ million if you died. Not one person
signed on the dotted line.

Before packed up for good, Keith came back out to see me. After the nstructors course, he
continued to work with me at Moskito but had returned to the UK a few months later and pick
up his life again. n May 003, he reappeared and we went on a farewell tour, hiring the
services of a local guide, Prasat, and headed into central %hailand. Prasat was a wonderful,
amusing and highly informative little guy. Bloody annoying at times too. He knew everything
about his beloved Kingdom and insisted the of us should see and hear all about it. All
wanted to do was sleep in the back of his mini bus. had been working for months without
much more than a day off and was just a little knackered. However, had employed his
services and so off we went into the great unknown. remember speaking and arranging the
trip with Prasat a couple of weeks before. You can imagine my surprise when it emerged that
Keith and were not going anywhere we actually wanted to visit. Prasat was taking us to 'His
%hailand'. Oh joy.

Our first stop was the rain forest that is the Khoa Sok National Park, about 3 hours North of
Phuket. t was very hot, humid and rainy. Having checked into our tree house
accommodation, we went for a wander into the rain forest, ending up at a river with fast
flowing rapids. Being hot and smelly, the 3 Amigos duly stripped to their boxers and jumped
in. t was soddin' freezing! How could this be in a %hai river? ood old Keith promptly slipped
in the fast flowing water, twisted his ankle and took out Prasat in the process. %he of them
then knocked me down like a bowling pin and all 3 of us were swept down stream until we
were eventually made it to the rocks and crawled out.

Day was like walking on water. %his was actually pretty amazing. Years before, a valley and
forest had been flooded to form a 160km (100 mile) reservoir. We hired a traditional longtail
boat for about 45 minutes and arrived at our floating resort. Made of bamboo, about 15 huts
were all connected together, floating above the forest 40m (130ft) below. %he water was a
not-so chilly 31C (88F) and made for a very pleasant afternoon, floating on inner tubes and
drinking cold beer. Blissfully quiet with nothing to do, the 3 of us spent the evening playing
cards and eating more flied lice. have to say though, the beds were the most uncomfortable
have ever slept in.

Day 3 was back into the rainforest for another long and humid walk with snakes, lizards,
spiders and blood thirsty leaches for company. Before returning to the van, Keith and went
50

for a clean up in the public showers in the car park. Keith was ahead of me and knew he had
been hit by more leaches than had. However, nothing prepared me for the blood bath
witnessed that day. t was more like a scene from Reservoir Dogs. %he shower and tiled floor
were covered in blood. remember a %hai tourist came in after us, took one look at the
amount of blood and promptly ran off, presumably to phone the authorities. Keith, genuinely
thank you with all my heart for providing me with a belly full of laughs and memories! He is the
only guy know, who not only whacks his head on a restaurant roof but then goes back to the
scene of the crime to show me, and promptly hits his head again!

n late une 003, packed up my bags, took my trolley that 8 people had sold me in Phuket
and headed to the bright lights of Singapore. Having left Karli and Siska there in anuary
00, it was like returning home, only this time they had moved into a luxury apartment
(courtesy of Siska's job) complete with company car and Filipina housemaid who would stop
by a couple of days a week. Singapore had been deeply affected by the SARS mess and had
only recently lifted its embargo on international travel. %his was a bit of a farce to be honest.
nternational travel had always been allowed as long as it was for personal use. You were not
allowed to travel for business reasons. You figure it out.

My intention was to use Singapore as a convenient staging post from %hailand to Palau in
Micronesia. had been offered a position at Sam's %ours in Palau which in no uncertain
terms, was hitting the diving jackpot. Sam's %ours had consistently been voted among the
world's best dive shops and Palau was truly mesmerising from all accounts. However, shortly
after arriving, this position fell through as Palau's tourism had also been affected by the knock
on effects from SARS. t was time to re-think.

Karli and Siska were now travelling throughout S.E. Asia for about 4 nights a week and so
had the place to myself most of the time. %hey are fantastic friends. had the run of the joint,
the hot tub, the bike, the car and obligatory communal pool and gym. Olivia the maid came
and ironed my crappy clothes a couple of times as well. Considering had been living off
noodles and cold water showers for 18 months (and had lost 1kg (8lbs) in the process),
was more than happy to wallow in such luxury for a while. %hen Phil came to visit.

Phil and had worked in dive shops, almost directly opposite each other on Phi Phi. He was a
fellow nstructor, though he was Welsh. He emailed me to say he too was heading to
Singapore and how about we went on a final trip before he flew back to Cardiff. Alrighty then,
that sounds like fun. ood old affer, having kept a record of my emails from eternity, has a
record of our eventful trip. thought it was best, to simply copy and paste my exact words for
what happened next.

51


Sat, 1 un 003

Alrighty All

So, now have a 'story' to tell the grand kids (if ever get that far). t goes something like
this.

Did ever tell you the time got deported from ndonesia..?

%he story is a little complicated, but it goes a little like this. Some of you may know Phil from
White and Blue in Phi Phi. As part of his travels, he came and met me when was in
Singapore and before you know it, we decided to go diving one last time. %here was nothing
special about that can assure you. After all, that is what we do. %he thing is, we planned to
go to a small island called Pulau Weh, up in northern Sumatra, Aceh in fact. %his is the area
where the ndonesian overnment is fighting the Achen rebels. Apparently it has been going
on for years, much like Northern reland and so things carry on as normal, usually.

We were in contact with the only dive shop on the island and also a travel agent in Medan,
the third largest hell hole in ndonesia and the gateway to northern Sumatra. Having read the
UK ov websites as well, we knew there was trouble up North, but for the most part and with
caution, all would be fine so off we popped.

We took the overnight bus from Singapore (thanks to Karli as ever for taking us to the station)
and about 1 hours later, arrived at the port of Penang on the west coast of Malaysia. After a
day and night in a grotty hole, we caught the ferry over to ndonesia and 6 hours later, we
were here. We had a night in Medan in some seedy hotel and having met the travel agent
(who was very good and helpful) we took the plane and flew the 45 mins from Medan to
Bandah Aceh.

dentifying our bags from the plane was very easy. Ours were the only, true bags. t seems
the ndonesians all travel with cardboard boxes, all the same shape and size. We were met
by mmigration, did all the necessary stuff and took the tiny connecting flight from Aceh to the
tiny island, just 9 mins away! Considering the potential for problems, have to say, all went
very well. We got to the island, met the owner, had a bevvie and went by boat to the
Lumbalumba dive shop. Funnily enough and quite by chance, several nstructors from Phi Phi
and Koh Lanta were also at abong Beach. n fact, think we were the only tourists there.

After a quick rest and having found a bungalow to stay in, Phil and went diving. My god, this
place was superb. n just 44 mins, we had Eagle rays, turtles, octopus, trevally, tuna, at least
30 Moray eels and shed loads of %rigger fish and a whole lot more. n Phi Phi, it takes about
10 mins to find stuff, but here it was everywhere. Anyway, having finished the dive, it was
back to base for some grub... only when we arrived, we were met on the beach by
mmigration.

%here seemed to be a problem with our arrival in Aceh. We weren't sure what this was and
nor were they, but it meant being driven for an hour along crappy roads to the main town of
Sabang, where we met the boss man. Now, all he could say was, since we had been on the
road from Singapore, there had been a change in policy and we should not have been
allowed entry into Aceh, only we obviously had. %his meant we would need to be escorted
back to Bandah Aceh in the morning to sort it out. %hey took our passports and kindly added
they would protect us. "From whom? enquired. t seemed from everyone; the police, the
military as well as the rebels. Mmm. So, we were taken to yet another crappy hotel and told
not to come out until 0:30. %hey would collect and take us back to the ferry. t was house
arrest of a kind. Well, sod that for a game of soldiers, the boys were hungry, so we went out
for some food and a beer.

Early next morning, 3 guys collected and dumped us at the ferry. Our passports went to the
Captain and we took a seat. An hour later, we were back in Bandah Aceh and another 3 guys
took us to the mmigration office, which was nice of them. %he big boss tried his best to
explain the situation, but am not sure if he knew what was happening either. t turned out,
5

whilst we were en route from Singapore, Aceh had come under Marshall Law or something.
Basically, the ov had made up a new policy to prevent any foreigner entering the province.
When we had arrived in ndonesia, this was already in place but no one had been told (least
of all, us). n theory, when we first arrived in Bandah Aceh, we should have been denied entry
and should not have been allowed to go diving. Apparently, mmigration had only found out
about the new 'No ohnny Foreigner' rule an hour after we had flown off to the island and had
already gone diving, hence mmigration had met us from the dive boat.

We were looked after by no less than 10 mmigration officials, all of whom were very happy to
talk about David Beckham moving to Real Madrid. %he all-time classic came when we were
hungry. Would KFC suffice? Mr. Boss man called the KFC Manager, who duly opened up the
restaurant, got someone to fry some chicken and then close up after the of us had finished.

mmigration did their best to get us on the first flight out of Aceh province and back to
Sumatra but all the flights were busy. All foreigners, including the journalists and NOs were
being kicked out. can't help feel that once all the Whiteys have left, the ov is really going to
kick some butt up there, if they are not doing so already. %he mmigration guys kept a close
eye on us at the airport. %hey did not like us talking to the NOs or to anyone else. suspect
there were a number of secret Police hanging about the place. One of the funny things saw
there was one of the many soldiers had a fake holster for his side arm. t was made by Dolce
and abbana.

After unsuccessful trips to the airport, we were eventually dumped on a plane. All very polite
but that didn't really help us. Our 44 min dive had taken almost a week to achieve and cost us
$00!! Bargain. f only politics was as simple as Mr. David Beckham. tell you, that man is a
od here. All of Asia loves footy and little Michael Owen opens so many smiles on so many
faces. By the way, northern ndonesia looks beautiful but the place is also a shit pit.

So, there you have it. Having thought we were off to Pulau Weh for 1 days of magical diving,
we had 4 hours of freedom. Oh and to top it off, we want to go back to Malaysia tomorrow but
we can't. %he ferry is full.

affer, rest assured, the family, the school and the Nations good name are sill intact.

Signing off before they track us down and execute us

Your ever loving Son


My trip to Pulau Weh was eventful enough, but nothing compared to the Boxing Day tsunami
of 004. Fortunately and miraculously, the tsunami that hit Aceh on December 6, claimed
very few lives on Pulau Weh. %he owners of the dive centre, %on and Marjan Egbers,
survived by standing on top of the dive gear rinsing shed and a tree located just beside the
shop. Most of the destruction from the tsunami was the strong pulling power of the receding
wave, where everything was swept out to sea including masks and fins, prompting the owners
to later joke that they were the dive shop with the mismatched fins.

However, Bandah Aceh was a completely different story. %he population of Aceh province
before the tsunami was 4,1,000 (004). %he population as of 15 September 005 was
4,031,589, a loss of almost % of the ndonesian population. While estimates vary,
approximately 16,000 people were killed by the earthquake and tsunami in ndonesia.
90,000 were lost in Bandah Aceh and further 8,000 died in %hailand. t is thought a further
500,000 were left homeless.

%he ramifications of the tsunami went beyond the immediate impact to the lives and
infrastructure of the Acehnese living on the coast. Since the disaster, the Acehnese rebel
movement AM, which had been fighting for independence against the ndonesian authorities
for 9 years, has signed a peace deal (August 15, 005). %he perception that the tsunami
was punishment for insufficient piety in this proudly Muslim province is partly behind the
increased emphasis on the importance of religion post-tsunami.

53

hapter 11
Take A Deep Breath, We're Going In


%rying to describe diving to someone who has never done it or doesn't intend to do it, is
bloody difficult. %hen again, for those of us who have spent a fair amount of time under water,
it is almost indescribable anyway, so am stuck somewhere between a rock and a hard place.
have made around 4000 dives, roughly 5.5 months of my life sucking air though a silicone
mouthpiece and still struggle to piece the experience together in a coherent manner.

Before writing this book, had to think about what intended to write about. Was it to be a
technical book about diving? No, that would be too restrictive and there are plenty of other
books out there that can do this far better than can or want to for that matter. Did want it to
be about travelling? Again no. %here are tonnes of books about how to order a cup of tea in a
desert in Central America or how to dismount a camel without injuring your privates. Besides,
don't really count the past 8 years or so as travelling, in the backpacking sense. have been
working overseas, in some of the more remote areas on earth. %hat has meant have had to
travel to a couple of pretty obscure places. have chosen to live a life that few others would
want to or be able to cope with.

What wanted to complete was an account of my life as a dive nstructor but without too
much emphasis on the diving, the travelling or anything else for that matter. t sounds a bit
weird know but set out to write this so that it would appeal to many people on many levels
in some form or another. For sure, friends of mine are intrigued by this process because they
have played a part in it. Others are divers who have encouraged me to put my tales and
experiences into writing. have simply come across many others along my journey, and
despite only a fleeting visit, have made quite an impact on me.

Ultimately, this is a book about me! Let's face it, am central to it all. look upon it as being a
'semi-autobiographical travelling dive self-awareness' book. Now, which shelf are you going
to be able to categorise that one to?

Diving is key to this journey and to who am. have gained a lot from it, but would like to
think have given a lot back as well. Let me take some time to explain the concept of Scuba
Diving to all those land lubbers out there who think the sea is full of sharks and sewage.

SCUBA stands for 'Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus'. Similar to the tanks a
fire fighter uses, it primarily consists of a gas (normally air) which is carried on your back.
Scuba tanks can be made from a range of materials but the most common are steel and
aluminium. %he pressure of the gas contained within the tank is very high and so cannot
simply be turned on and directly breathed from. First, it must be reduced to an intermediate
pressure via a 1
st
stage. %his is the lumpy valve that sits behind your head. t is then reduced
further so it enters your mouth at a breathable pressure and doesn't blow your head off. All
this is done through the Regulators that you will see a recreational diver using. %he air flows
through hoses that connect the mouth to the 1
st
stage and ultimately, the Scuba tank.
remember getting into a very dull conversation with someone who insisted should refer to
tanks as Scuba Cylinders, as a %ank is the big thing that rolls around raq! Whatever.

%his then opens up the question of what is a Recreational Diver, as opposed to a %echnical,
Commercial, Military or Free diver?

%he Recreational Diver is basically the tourist diver. He or she, goes on holiday somewhere
nice and jumps in the water to look at the pretty fish. %hey may jump in the sea, a lake or a
river. Basically, if you haven't already worked it out, you need water for this to work. enerally
it is done for fun and is enjoyed by millions of people worldwide. Before jumping overboard,
every diver has to learn the basics and needs to take at least 1 course from an nstructor,
someone like me. %here are thousands of people like me in all sorts of waters, from the cold
Arctic to the warm ndian Ocean. %he Recreational Diver has official guidelines, limits if you
54

like. However the world's waterways are not exactly policed and so it is a relatively self-
regulated sport. Most Recreational Divers are advised to dive no deeper than 40m (130ft) and
should not venture into Decompression. Anything beyond this links into %echnical Diving.

%he %echnical diver generally has evolved from the recreational side of diving. With time and
experience, divers like to continue their learning curve and try out something new, opening up
more opportunities and experiences. %echnical diving can offer this. t may include Cave,
Wreck and Deep Decompression diving amongst others. am a qualified %echnical diver and
love the additional freedom it allows.

Commercial Diving is well beyond the average guy out there, myself included. %he
Commercial diver tends to see diving as a means of a living rather than a way of life. %he
money involved is by far the highest you can earn underwater, but what you gain in the bank
account you can easily lose with your health. Commercial divers are the ones working on the
oil and gas rigs etc., welding and cutting their way to a small fortune. Rather than jumping in
and out within a certain time frame like do, they will tend to be in the water for as long as
necessary. f they do not complete their task, then lives or the environment may be at risk.
Because of this, decompression diving becomes the norm and something they simply need to
live with. Commercial diving can be inherently dangerous and my mask comes off to those
who take on such a challenging job.

dived with an ex-US Navy Seal who had converted into Commercial Diving. t nearly killed
him 4 times before he retired at the age of 41. His doctor had told him to never to dive again
but such was his passion, he simply moved from the commercial world to the recreational
world, bought a beautiful big camera and spends all his time diving purely for fun. %he only
problem is, his body is knackered. He was struggling with arthritis and a whole list of other
symptoms, not the least with his central nervous system. As he said to me, the big money he
once earned is now being spent on the big medical bills just to keep him alive.

Military Diving is as you would expect. Carried out by the armed forces and to some extent by
the Police or Search and Rescue teams, again it is diving with a fixed purpose. %hey may be
attaching mines to ships or searching for bodies, so this line of work is not for the feint
hearted. t may sound exciting but jumping in cold, dark and shitty conditions is not all that
glamorous. wonder if a Police diver has ever been tasked with searching a coral reef with
crystal clear water as part of a crime scene. Normally it is in a lake or canal, filled with duck
shit and shopping trolleys, with the occasional body part. enerally, Military diving is on
Closed Circuit Rebreather (CCR) equipment to avoid bubble detection, in the dark and in
surprisingly shallow water. One of my regrets in life is not trying to join the Royal Marines and
then attempt the Special Boat Service (SBS). went for the interviews when was 1 with a
view to being sponsored through Uni but chickened out. have been quietly disappointed in
myself ever since.

Free diving is the sport of breath hold diving, descending underwater with a single breath of
air. Done well, it is by far the most elegant thing have ever seen. As well as being the
necessary skill for proper spear fishing and snorkelling, there is a competitive side to free
diving as well; Constant Weight, Free mmersion, Variable Weight, No Limits, Dynamic and
Static Apnea. have toiled with Free diving for many years and love it but it requires
dedication, time and to be taken extremely seriously. Accidents can happen all too easily.
Yoga, Meditation and the Martial Arts can all sit neatly alongside it. For a while, trained
myself to hold my breath, managing 4.5 minutes in confined water at one point. t is a truly
beautiful undertaking. Who has not seen and instantly fallen in love with %anya Streeter? o
and 'You%ube Freediving' or watch the 'Le rand Bleu (Big Blue)' movie and prepare to see
something quite extraordinary.

umping in the water for me is like going home. t is my natural environment. Without
sounding like a lentil fed hippy who likes to sit around nibbling on nuts and sipping green tea,
the water and being under it, is central to who am. For as long as can remember, have
had a strong urge to be a part of it and not once have felt threatened by it. For sure, am
completely in its awe and totally aware of its dangers but do not fear it. From a very early
age, have been totally comfortable in and around water. swam a lot at school and most of
my summer holidays with the family were spent at the beach in Cornwall in the South West of
55

England. Not one for sitting around getting a tan, just loved to be messing about in the
water, ducking in and out of the nooks and crannies of the Cornish coastline, looking at all
sorts of things, seaweed, crabs, the occasional fish. just found the whole experience
mesmerising and never seemed to have got cold in the chilly Atlantic water.

am by no means a religious person ( would probably describe myself as Agnostic), but do
sense we all have a soul and so do the animals and creatures around us. During my time in
%hailand, 'dabbled' a bit with Buddhism and can definitely see the appeal of it. Certainly, if
there were a lot more Buddhists around reckon there would be a whole lot less confrontation
in the world. %hey are just 'chilled' people and admire that quality. Religion as far as can
work out, simply wants to dictate who someone should be and not who they are. f you want
to be categorised and segregated like this, go for it but try not to kill other people around you
for 'ods' sake!

From my very first breath underwater, knew was in my element, had found my new home.
Of course am a mammal and so have a tendency to breathe once in a while and will
always be a land-lubber. tend to find that once am in the water and as long as am not
teaching or guiding anyone, can completely relax and slow everything down. remember
reading a fascinating book many years ago, 'Neutral Buoyancy' by %im Ecott. n it, he
described how he used to do his best thinking underwater. t is almost the opposite for me.
tend not to think underwater. Of course am paying attention to my air supply, the time or
where am on the site etc, but also tend to blank out my thoughts and just enjoy my time
with my new friends. Some may find it immensely boring and dull, but can sit on the sand
alongside a star fish, just watching the way it moves. Sharks truly fascinate me and hate to
hear them being referred to as 'Man Eaters' on a constant basis. Some people love to stare at
the sky at night or watch the birds in the back garden. On some level, it is the same with me.
t is very rhythmic, calming and peaceful.

Contrary to what you may think, diving is far more psychological than it is physical in my
opinion. %he initial learning curve is a little like learning to drive a car. can remember being
taught to 'Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre' and thinking, how the hell was meant to get all this
together without hitting something. With practice and common sense, progress is actually
pretty quick. Obviously some people are more capable and natural at learning such skills and
am sure we all know people who have taken their test over and over again. %he same can
be applied to diving in many ways. t is a new concept to us all. would argue that potentially
it is the most unnatural activity that man can do, ranking right up there with flying a plane or
even better, jumping out of one. We were simply not designed to breathe under water, so why
on earth would we want to? Perhaps it is best to answer with the old clich; 'Because we can'.

Again, don't want to turn this is into a historical account of diving as there are all sorts of
books, DVDs and articles covering this. first read 'Neutral Buoyancy' at the time was taking
my Dive Master course and it all started to make sense to me. %he vast majority of people
knew in London did not and still do not dive and so was in a bit of a funny place, not really
being able to explain to those around me, why felt wanted to make this journey. Over the
past 8 years, have met thousands of divers and at least now, know am definitely not alone
in my passion.

Funnily enough, diving is actually a very social sport, certainly there is a big social scene
around it. For those who love to go down and get wet, they love to talk about it, swap
experiences and photos. For those not into it, you are truly missing out. ust like skiing,
ultimately everyone is on their own, but you can share the piste (and likewise the water) with
all of your mates. Obviously for safety as well as social reasons, divers are recommended to
always dive alongside a 'Buddy', just in case something should happen or go wrong. Far
more likely is that without your Buddy being there to verify the story, that account of the
biggest shark on record will simply not be believed!

For a long time dived with a Buddy somewhere around me, in the same ocean was always a
good start. Sometimes a friend or colleague, sometimes it was guest or a student. Over time,
became more and more comfortable with my own ability and began to dive alone. %o the
uninitiated, this may all sound very cowboy-ish and irresponsible but it is immensely
liberating. would not necessarily encourage it for all but once you have tried it, it opens up a
56

whole new dimension to the sport. n fact, became a published model for the SD Solo
Diving Manual (back cover) a few years back. f you check out the www.tdisdi.com website,
you may even catch a glimpse of my ugly face!! Credit must go to Bill Downey for those
photos.

For the vast majority of those who attempt it, learning to dive is literally a life changing
experience. OK, not everyone decides to jack it all in and follow their dream like me, but for
many others, it truly opens their eyes to the environment around them. One of the most
common phrases hear from students learning to dive is 'Why did not try this years ago?
%he good news is, it has never been so accessible as it is now. You need to be at least 8 to
breathe from a Scuba tank in a pool but then the world is your oyster. taught the affer to
dive and he was 3 at the time. have worked alongside nstructors in their 80's and dived
with a lady in her 90's. Can't say that about too many activities can you?

have a question for you. When was the last time you thought about breathing? Breathing is a
totally natural and vitally important in making us live. t is instinctive and no one has ever
forgotten to breathe as far as can work out. Certainly they would not have lived to tell the
tale. On land, it is absolutely taken for granted we are able to breathe nice, fresh air almost on
a continual basis. t is only when that same air is deprived from us, do we really think about its
value. Anyone with asthma or a respiratory condition will know full well how wonderful it feels
to be able to breathe. For most of us, breathing is simply something we do not give a second
thought about, literally.

Underwater, breathing continues to be a vital function in sustaining life, but divers start to
think about it a lot more. For a first timer, it completely dominates their thought process and
you can see this in their eyes. When was the last time someone told you to shove a black
rubber thing in your mouth, shut up and breathe? We know we can all do it, though some
people don't half make a song and dance about it. Does it really matter you have to breathe
though a mechanical device? As long as you can breathe, all should be well with the world.
%his is where the psychology comes into play. Perhaps for the first time, your life expectancy
can be measured by the volume of the gas you are carrying on your back. One of the most
common questions am asked is how long the supply of air will last. Well, that very much
depends on your state of mind and the surroundings around you, namely the depth you are
at.

Herein lies some physics which know you will find invigorating.

On the surface of the earth, we experience pressure; Let's call it gravity (but this is not
technically correct). %his is valued at 1 Atmospheres Absolute (A%A). For every 10m (33ft)
we descend underwater, we need to add 1 more A%A, so at 10m (33ft), there are A%A. At
0m (66ft), there are 3 A%A and so on.



Depth


Pressure

VoIume

Surface


1 A%A

1

10m (33ft)


A%A

or 50%

0m (66ft)


3 A%A

1/3 or 33%

30m (100ft)


4 A%A

or 5%

f a diver was to breathe in and fill his lungs at a depth of 10m (33ft), due to the pressure, it
requires twice as much volume to do this, than if he had breathed on the surface. f he
5

breathed from a Scuba tank on the surface and it took an hour to breathe it dry, you could
therefore deduce that all things being equal, he would suck his limited amount of air in half the
time, 30 minutes. As the depth increases, it takes a greater volume to maintain the same
amount of air in his lungs.

Obviously, it is in a divers interest to stay underwater for as long as possible to enjoy what he
is doing. After all, this is the reason for being in the water in the first place. So, if the diver can
somehow control his breathing, this could help him to stay underwater for longer. Most divers
try to aim for an hour or something along those lines. Much longer than that and the wife
starts to worry and the wetsuit gets a little artificial warming.

So, how could a diver manage his breathing rate, if we all simply breathe when we want to?
Well, simply put, we actually do not need to breathe as much as we think we do. magine our
glorious overnment were to tax the air we breathe, to help pay for the financial mess the
politicians and bankers got us into. bet we would all be trying to limit our intake without killing
ourselves.

Being a little bit fitter is a good start. would love to say that all divers and especially
nstructors are fantastic athletes but this would be bollocks! Certainly the PAD movies love to
show beautiful people jogging about with a pint of decaffeinated carrot juice and stick of
celery but in reality, divers are much like everyone else. %hey eat, drink and shit along with
the best. Smoking is a no-no, but do know some people took up smoking in %hailand
'because it was so cheap'. How can it be cheaper than not smoking in the first place?
However, having restricted arteries and airways probably prevents you from taking too much
air in the first place, so maybe this is a good thing?

Most divers can't be arsed with the diet and wholesome lifestyle and their idea of Yoga is
stretching for the remote control or holding a tray of drinks as they stagger around the bar. n
fact, M&Ms, those exceptionally moor-ish choccies are fondly known as 'Deco Pills' and thus
are an active dietary requirement to keep decompression illness at bay.

Early on in my diving career, concentrating on my breathing for a small part of each dive
really helped me to focus on it and reduce my heart rate, thus reducing my need to breathe.
Contrary to what you may think, we do not inhale due to a lack of oxygen. Our brains actually
tell us to breathe due to build up of carbon dioxide. Most people will be breathing around 1
times a minute which is actually an unhealthy rate because it can overtax the breathing
system.

Reducing this to 6 breaths a minute would reduce the intake of bad air by a half and if you
breathe slower, relaxed and efficiently, the improved chemistry allows for more oxygen in the
cells. Breathing more slowly helps to take in less pollutants and your nervous system stays
less strained. By reducing the rate to 4 or 6 breaths per minute, you can probably breathe at
1/5
th
to 1/3
rd
of your maximum volume and barring a sudden or extreme need for energy, do
not need to use all the volume to perform adequately.

With time and focus, was able to really reduce my breathing rate to around 4 breaths a
minute underwater and it became second nature. would encourage every diver out there to
consider your breathing rate on your next dive and study those around you. t is staggering
how quickly some people can drain a tank. At the same time, it is very impressive to see other
divers come back after 90 minutes and still have some gas to spare. Diving at depths of 30m
(100ft) or more, my breathing rate was important in another way. As a uide, quite often
diving with %echnical and Closed Circuit Rebreather (CCR) Divers, my job was to show
people the wrecks of Chuuk Lagoon. f needed to abort a dive due to a shortage of gas, then
was not able to show them everything they wanted (and had paid) to see. As a result, along
with the other uides worked with, became exceptionally efficient with my air consumption
and was able to dive deep and long profiles way beyond many of the guests.

Another little trick learned was when diving in currents. For the most part, divers try to avoid
strenuous conditions and will tend to drift with the current or the tide whenever possible.
However, there are times when this is not the case and they choose to push on through. My
58

advice is to breathe in when you are stationary and then exhale as you kick. f you inhale
while kicking, you tend to take in a far bigger volume which becomes inefficient.

Of course, the whole reason for being underwater in the first place is generally to have at look
at stuff. Sometimes it is big (think Whale Sharks the size of a bus), sometimes minute (think
Pigmy seahorses the size of your smallest fingernail). Sometimes it is natural (think coral
reefs and caves), sometimes it is man-made (think ship wrecks). No matter what you find
underwater, divers will think it is amazingly interesting! As often said to guests was diving
with, "Show me a light bulb on the surface and will think you are nuts! would then go on to
say, "Show it to me underwater however, having survived the American attacks on the
apanese in Chuuk Lagoon in February 1944, still intact and only a short distance from the
torpedo hole that sunk the ship, and it starts to take on a whole new significance.

%hey say you see more life underwater in 1 hour than you will see in 1 day on land. don't
know why it is, but love looking at fish and their friends. Why else do so many people keep
aquariums in their living rooms? Fish can be mesmerising, relaxing, chilled and yet lethal
predators. %hey come in all shapes and sizes with every mood in the book. have had the
pleasure of dancing with Dusky dolphins, Humpback whales and Big Eye jacks, attacked by
reat barracuda (totally my own fault), %riggerfish and sharks, swallowed by a Potato cod and
had an octopus climb up my arm and sit on my shoulder for about 30 minutes.

Almost every diver have come across has a slightly different idea as to what fascinates them
about the aquatic realm. Ask 10 people and you will more than likely get 10 variations on the
same theme.

59

hapter 12
And Now For Something ompIeteIy Different.


Our Americans cousins love British humour, well the bit they understand anyway. %he British
and Americans have a lot in common. Much like %ony Blair, like the Americans, genuinely
do. Unlike Blair, am not a complete egotistical smarmy git. Despite all our similarities, funnily
enough, one of these is not the English language and the quicker a Brit abroad works this out,
the more fun it can be!

Obviously we are inundated with American movies and %V and even the US media is trying to
influence us over on this side of the pond. Whereas they export the latest seasons of 4 or
CS Wherever, the stuff we exported back in the 190's is the way they still see us. %op of this
list of exports has to be Monty Python. %hey love it, well the bits they understand anyway. %o
be honest, don't think even the Pythons fully understand their own work, but classics they
must surely be. %he amount of times have been quoted lines from '%he Life of Brian' or from
the 'Holy rail' can only be counted on an abacus.

Americans think the average Brit is refreshingly direct and funny. Oh and it is true, the ladies
do seem to love the accent. %hat has got me into lots of fun and trouble. %hey love the
language we speak, something we don't even bother to think about; Aluminium, Codger,
Bloke, Footy and the all time favourite, Wanker. %hey just love being called Wankers!!
Likewise, most Americans tend to use 'Dove' as the past tense of the verb '%o Dive'. always
thought a Dove was a bird of Peace or perhaps my preference for shampoo. %echnically, the
English use of 'Dived' is better apparently, especially in academic work.

On a more serious side, just like the Pythons, wish to direct this part of the book towards a
different side of the aquatic realm. one are the days when the words 'Environment' or
'Conservation' drummed up the image of a new age hippy living in a tree, waiting for the world
to be cut down around him, just so that he could save the lesser spotted newt or bat. %oday,
we are all becoming increasingly aware of the environment in which we live. %his takes many
forms, from recycling the plastic milk bottles, renewable energy sources and children's
playgrounds made from old rubber tyres and illegal immigrants.

Most people are aware of the consequences of their actions, that is what makes us a civilised
world after all. For the most part, if we can see the problem, we think or get someone else to
think, of a solution. What happens though if you cannot see that problem? t still exists none
the less.

believe this is truly the case with the marine environment. What we, not just as individuals
but as a race, are doing to the aquatic realm is pretty harrowing. %he seas and oceans are
shouting out for our help. %he problem is though, we can't hear them cry. Having seen at first
hand the effects of coral bleaching and the rising seas, cannot help but be aware of it.
Likewise, am so pissed off with general attitude and ignorance towards commercial fishing
and the depletion of the worlds fish stocks. %hese are huge, truly huge issues and no one in
their right mind can pretend they are easy to solve. ust because we are running short of cod
for our Fish and Chips, does not mean we need to stop eating fish. took the very personal
decision to stop eating all fish and seafood back in 00 but would not shout at others for
eating sushi. t just depends on where that Sushi was sourced.

A recent and excellent series of programmes in the UK pointed out, we the consumer, really
need to take more care in considering which fish we are eating. All too often, it boils down to
the 3 classics; Cod, Salmon and %una. You may think that sounds fair enough, considering
we all tend to eat the same meats as well; Chicken, Beef, Pork and Lamb. %he problem is,
fish is not so easy to manage or to farm and there can be severe consequences to messing
up its sustainability. f someone decided that to ease the pressure on the farmyard cow, we
should start eating a Himalayan %iger or a Chinese iant Panda, the World would be up in
arms, and quite rightly. hate to say this, but that is exactly what is happening to the certain
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species of fish with the Blue Fin %una being the prime target. So why aren't we all up in arms
about it? Well, primarily because of far too much ignorance and good marketing.

Fish have a huge marketing problem. We like to see them in a fish tank or on a dinner plate
and that's about it. We can't take the kids to the petting zoo to play with them. We can't hold
them or stroke them. Because the vast majority of us don't see fish until they are on a plate,
we don't really care about them. %hey tend to be pretty ugly and smell bad as soon as we kill
them but we still have a love affair for them, as long as they are served with a squeeze of
lemon and some chunky chips. %hey are not all warm and cuddly like a iant Panda or a
creature of beauty like a %iger or Lion. Being on an endangered list doesn't really enter our
psyche 'because they taste so yummy'. f there is one phrase truly hate to hear when it
comes to the battle against sustainability, it is that one. am sure a nice chunk of Panda
tastes nice as well, but we know better than to go and hunt them out of existence. Unlike the
clearing of the Amazon or the hunting of the reat Whales, fish have precious little protection.
You don't tend to see too many A-lister celebrities fighting for their rights, but we really need
to.

For as long as Man has roamed the earth, he has hunted and gathered. t is the natural
animalistic instinct in us. However, much has changed in the way we hunt and gather our
food. one are the days of hunting with a club or a spear. Now we hunt with our credit card to
collect club points. athering food has never been so easy but has it been so plentiful?
Modern machinery and technology is helping us to reap ever increasing yields by more
efficient farming methods and the introduction of M crops. We know how to fatten a pig to
maximise efficiency and are working on being able to ship food from China to Europe,
cheaper than it is to buy from our local farm. Speak to the fishermen out there and the story is
not so efficient. Commercial fishing is not necessarily on decline. %hey are just having to work
a lot harder to find their harvest. %he EU often paints itself as setting the moral high ground
for combating global poverty and climate change, but when it comes to Agriculture and
Aquaculture, it is truly deplorable in my opinion.

t used to be the case that in the 'good old days', fishing boats would literally have fish
jumping into their boats, such was the harvest and it wasn't hundreds of years ago, it was
almost within living memory. Would it shock you to learn that in 1880 alone, New York City
chowed down 00 million oysters? rowing up in the 0's, good old Fish and Chips was
generally North Sea or Atlantic Cod, served with a lashing of salt and vinegar in yesterdays
old newspaper. Now we are not allowed the salt, it is unhygienic to eat from a newspaper,
cardboard made from recycled newspaper is bad for us and there is increasingly little Cod. t
is cheaper to import Vietnamese catfish than to try and find a decent quantity of sustainable
British fish. n fact, it is perhaps the disturbing law of Fish Discard that is the most worrying.
%he EU decrees that only certain amounts of regulated fish may be landed in any given year.
%his sounds a fair idea but the problem is, in order to catch the other types of 'legal' fish, a
huge quantity of bycatch is also stuck in the same nets. Because it is illegal to land more than
the quota, much of this bycatch has to be returned to the sea, dead. What use is that? f the
fish has already been caught, don't just dump it back. Use it. am not a scientist or a
fisherman, but am of the belief that instead of regulating the amount of fish the nets catch,
why not regulate the time they can be at sea? Send the fleet to different grounds for specific
times of the year and land all that they catch. f you fish an area for months of the year, then
at least that gives the remaining fish population 10 months of the year to recoup. know that
is all very simplistic, but it is worth some thought.

For years upon end, fish catches were apparently always on the increase and for most
people, the oceans were seen as a never ending source of the Worlds hunger for fish.
However in 001, it was confirmed for the first time that the Chinese were making up their
figure and thus, over exaggerating their catch. %he reason for this? Preferment. Chinese
officials could be promoted only if the graphs pointed to the positive. %herefore, it was
profitable to manipulate the figures. f only had done that with my Sales figures, would be
CEO by now! Working retrospectively, it is possible to see that the Worlds catch has actually
been in decline from 1988. So, the next time you go to the supermarket, please don't think,
mmm yummy. Please use your head as well as your belly. Look as the MSC (Marine
Stewardship Council) logo for starters, a certification holding body, founded in 199 by
Unilever and WWF to promote responsible fishing practices worldwide. n order for fish
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products to obtain the MSC label, they must come from well-managed fisheries that maintain
healthy fish stocks and preserve surrounding ecosystems. Hundreds of seafood businesses,
fishing groups and conservation organisations now back the independent, non-profit council,
so you, the consumer will have more opportunity to support fisheries that help protect our
environment. f your local supermarket doesn't stock MSC products, ask them to do so. And if
they do, thank them.

%he reat Whales have for the most part, been protected by an international moratorium
since 1986, a compact signed by 88 member countries. 3 countries, apan, Norway and
celand have either rejected the moratorium or used other elements of the nternational
Convention for the Regulation of Whaling (WC) as a loophole to continue killing whales.
%here are increasing pressures to renew the killing of the whales, mostly for political reasons.
%here is growing evidence that apan in particular has been providing aid in the form of new
harbour and fish canning factories to selected countries, in return for permission to hunt
whales in their waters. Countries like hana, Nigeria and %anzania rejected the apanese
and thus, received no new apanese aid.

%he governments of St Kitts and Nevis, the Marshall slands, Kiribati, renada, Republic of
uinea and vory Coast allegedly entered negotiations in 010 to sell their votes in the WC in
return for aid. %hey receive cash payments in envelopes at WC meetings from apanese
officials who pay their travel and hotel bills. Call girls were even included in these
'sweeteners'. was living in St. Kitts in 005/06 and rumours began during this time that
$100,000 had apparently been offered in aid to build a fishing cannery.

%he plight of the majestic Blue Fin %una highlights the effectiveness of 1
st
century
commercial fishing. Over the past 10 years, its population has decreased by more than 80%
as fishing fleets chase too few fish. When we think of the fishing fleet, most of us may picture
the quaint sea side town with small trawlers and a Crew of half a dozen, heading out to sea to
catch some mackerel for that nights dinner table. %hat is not really the case. %echnically, man
is too good at catching fish and no edible species of fish stands a chance. Some of the
statistics are beyond comprehension to me.

O %he global fishing fleet is technically capable of landing the entire global fish catch, 4
times over.
O Long Line fishing sets out 1.4 billion hooks each year. %hat is enough fishing line to
encircle the globe 550 times.
O %he mouth to the largest fishing net can accommodate 13 umbo ets.

%he reason for its present course towards extinction is pretty straightforward. Money. n 009,
a single Blue Fin tuna was bought for the apanese restaurant and Hong Kong Sushi bars.
Weighing 3kg (510 lbs), it was nearly 4 times the weight of an average apanese man. t
sold for 109,000 ($15,000), the highest price in apan for 9 years. n anuary 011, it got
better. A 34kg (5 lbs) Blue Fin sold for 3,000 ($410,000).

n 00, the EU fisheries ministers met to agree new fishing quotas.

O Scientists recommended the quota should be set at 15,000 tonnes, to avoid a
collapse of the stocks.
O n order to actually rebuild the stocks, this level should actually have been just 10,000
tonnes.
O %he EU Fisheries ministers ignored the science and voted to allow a total catch of
9,500 tonnes. %his is twice the recommended figure and almost 3 times the figure to
rebuild the numbers.
O Amazingly, or perhaps not, the official statistics show the European fishing industry
ignored the quotas anyway and caught 61,000 tonnes of fish, including 1/3 of its Blue
Fin tuna stocks.

t is thought $5 billion a year of the Worlds annual catch is illegal, unregulated and
unreported because the fishermen are not caught and held to account. Finding a solution to
6

such a huge issue could be relatively straightforward and surprisingly, could be cheaper in the
long term as well.

A sustainable fish source is of paramount importance. Not every species is being fished to
extinction that is for sure. %he consumer needs to be more aware of which fish is sustainable.
uidelines are now found at a lot of fish counters in supermarkets. Walmart, will only sell
sustainable fish by 011. Birds Eye manufactures its products with /3 of the contents being
sustainable fish and McDonalds says it is 90% sustainable.

Funnily enough, farmed fish may not be the answer on account of the huge amount of fish
that is required to make fish food, to feed other fish. For every 1kg (.lbs) of farmed salmon,
it has required 5kg (11lbs) of anchovies to feed them. %herefore, it must be more beneficial to
eat the anchovies to begin with.

Both of these solutions are vital but not necessarily the total answer. Better than anything
else, the answer may lie in Marine Protection Areas (MPA), where commercial fishing is
banned and the policing of the reserves is thorough and absolute. n areas such as the
Bahamas, it has been proven that over a years period, the population of fish and other life
has increased 5 fold. mpressive stuff.

For sure, my immediate thought was that these networks of global MPAs would be
horrendously expensive to manage. %rue. t has been calculated that the annual management
bill would total around 8-9 billion ($1-14 billion). However, place this figure alongside the
0- billion ($30-40 billion) required in international subsidies which encourages over
fishing and it suddenly begins to look like better value. n addition, the Marine Reserves are
anticipated to create 1 million new jobs. n 010, roughly 1% of the Oceans are designated
Marine Reserves. %hat leaves 99% open to over fishing.

n 006, President eorge W. Bush created the Papahanaumokuakea Marine National
Monument in north-weStern Hawaii, protecting nearly 363,000 sq. km (140,000 sq. miles) of
ocean. n 010, Britain created the largest MPA in the world, (bigger than France or
California) around the Chagos Archipelago in the ndian Ocean. Studies have shown that
MPAs can allow fish and coral to recover from exploitation and they have spill-over benefits
for unprotected waters outside their borders. But MPAs still make up just a tiny fraction of total
ocean area and in most of them, fishing is still allowed.

promise, will drop down from my high horse in a couple of minutes. Before do, wish to
draw your attention to the decimation of the shark population.

O t is believed about 100 million sharks are slaughtered each year, solely for their
prized fins.
O Hong Kong is the world's shark fin trading centre, accounting for 50-80% of fins
traded worldwide. Currently the EU supplies % of all fins imported into Hong Kong.
O Sharks' life history makes them vulnerable to exploitation for example, Basking
Sharks take 15-0 years to mature, have a -3 year gestation period and produce
only 46 pups.
O Wet fins typically represent less than 5% of a shark's body weight.
O Some Atlantic shark populations have declined by up to 90% in the last 15 years.
O Sets of fins can sell for more than 450 ($00) per kg, with Hammerhead Shark fins
among the most valuable by weight.
O A single Whale Shark pectoral fin can sell for up to 10,000 ($15,000).
O lobal trade in shark fins is increasing and the market for shark fin soup is estimated
to be growing by 5% per year.
O %he EU's fin to carcass ratio is among the weakest in the world.
O A third of European sharks and a total of 16 species of chondrichthyan fish are listed
under a threat category on the UCN Red List, with a further 10 species Near
%hreatened.

thank you for your time in reading this chapter and hope it gave you pause for thought.


63

hapter 13
Going Dutch


Following my somewhat abortive trip to ndonesia, moved on from Singapore in uly 003.
had hoped to move on to Palau in Micronesia but this was not to be. Having trawled the
internet and diving websites, was lucky enough to be offered 3 jobs in rand Cayman,
Antigua and Aruba. had no intention of moving to the Caribbean, but that was where the
work was and now had the great problem of choosing which Caribbean island to call 'home'.
t was a tough decision am sure you will agree, but after a 40 minute telephone
conversation, agreed terms with a shop in Aruba.

After a flying visit to the UK, moved to Aruba. didn't know anything about the place to be
honest prior to arrival. Like most places around the world, it requires a work permit before
arrival but this is rarely sorted before showing up at the mmigration desk. Arriving with an EU
passport, entered as a tourist and simply applied through the dive shop once was on the
ground. %his in itself was funny and an immensely frustrating procedure. Having been to the
UK, came with all the required paperwork and handed it in to the authorities on my first day,
fully expecting would receive the relevant permit within a couple of months, certainly before
my tourist stamp ran out. By the time left a year later, was still not legal. When went to see
the mmigration department to retrieve my original birth certificate, my papers were at the
bottom of a pile on the Head Honcho's desk. simply asked for all my documentation and
walked out.

Funnily enough, even though was not officially allowed to work on Aruba, was still allowed
to pay my taxes immediately. could open a bank account, rent an apartment and pay the
authorities without a problem right from the get-go!

Aruba was totally different to %hailand which actually made a nice change after 18 months of
cold showers and Massaman curries. like to think of Cornwall as London-by-the-Sea on
account of so much London traffic trying to blend in with the locals. nicknamed Aruba,
Arizona-by-the-Sea. t is a very dry and barren island, with the arid desert leading right up the
beach. However, it was a surprisingly easy place to live, with its history of being under the
control of the Spanish, British and more recently the Dutch. Having formed part of the Dutch
Antilles, it formerly gained its autonomy in 1986 and has continued to flourish. %hey say it is
the wealthiest of all the islands in the Caribbean and has a distinctive and very exciting mix of
Dutch, Spanish, Venezuelan, Colombian and American influences. Although English was
widely spoken, the official language of Papiamento is a mixture of Portuguese or Spanish,
Dutch, English, African and Arawak languages. really didn't stand a chance!

Aruba is very different to the West ndies that one usually associates with the Caribbean.
Situated below the hurricane belt, it very rarely rained and had a continuous off shore breeze
on the East coast. A little cooler than %hailand, its average temperature was still 3C (89F).
Not bad thank you very much. %he women there were quite simply gorgeous. With such a
heavy Latina influence, it was such a joy to have to work so near the beach or the pool every
day. found the island to be split into distinct parts with almost the entire population hugging
the East coast. With the busy capital Oranjestad at its heart, all the low and high rise hotels
are grouped the North. %o the South, St. Nicholas is home to a huge oil refinery. %he entire
West coast is barely accessible due to its rugged but stunning coastline.

worked as an nstructor with Red Sail Sports, originally part of the Hyatt hotel empire, RSS
had franchises in Aruba, rand Cayman and Hawaii at the time. t was almost a proper job,
well in comparison to the 100% commission structure on Phi Phi. was now contracted to
work from 08:00 to 1:30, 10 days out of 14 with a salary and pension scheme. My dive
insurance was paid for along with my first months rent, benefits practically unheard of in the
diving community. %hings were looking good.

64

From a diving point of view, Aruba is not exactly world class but has some points of interest
none the less. %here are some good wrecks there as well, some dating back to WW, others
a result of confiscated drug smuggling planes and ships. %he biggest change had to make
was the totally different culture of Moskito and Red Sail Sports. Whereas %hailand had been
very laid back and a much slower way of life, Red Sail Sports was very much a business and
target orientated culture in many ways. one were the days of lazy diving, jumping in and
flapping about for an hour or so, with relaxed lunch breaks in Maya Bay. RSS was working to
a clock and the clock kept ticking.

RSS had 3 retail shops, selling a range of %-shirts and shorts, flip flops and other crap. %hey
also had 3 huge Catamarans. %hese were up to 1m (0ft) long, cost 430,000 ($650,000) a
pop and could easily hold over 15 passengers as they cruised the Aruban coastline, on
either a snorkelling or a sun set sail. %he day trips were nothing short of 'let's get the whole
group wasted on cheap Rum Punch and then kick them over board for a swim'. %he attitude
tending to be, the more drunk the passenger, the better the tips would be. sailed these large
Cats from time to time, either when they were short of Crew or if was conducting SASY
(Supplied Air Snorkelling, Youth) courses on board.

was obviously diving most days and combined teaching courses and guiding the certified
divers. Each morning, both dive boats would leave the smart and purpose built dock, right on
time. %he journey to the dive site could be up to 30 minutes but mostly it was less than 0 and
so that time was spent making sure everyone was sorted into groups of up to 1. had been
used to, and much preferred, groups of up to 6 but this was a different ball game. Each dive
could only be 40 minutes long. %hat was, 3 minutes of flapping and a 3 minute safety stop.
%he surface interval was normally minimal and then dive would be another 40 minutes.
Because of the time constraints, there was seldom time to strike up a conversation with the
guests and so they tended to come and go like a herd of sheep. As soon as the boat was
docked, we would bugger off to the Hyatt for a hugely subsidised lunch and then either dive or
fill tanks in the afternoon.

had conducted a lot of courses in Phi Phi, mostly 4 day Open Water courses, 1 day Discover
Scuba Diving courses and day Advanced Open Water courses. Occasionally would
conduct a Rescue or be part of a team to teach a Dive Master program. n Aruba, my bread
and butter was the Open Water course (though was pressured to take no longer than 3
days) and hundreds of Discover Scuba courses.

Aruba attracts close to a million tourists each year, mostly from Europe and the USA. %he
cruise ship industry is a huge money earner for the island as well. At any one time throughout
most the year, at least vast cruise ships would be in harbour. On occasions, this number
could be 5, expanding the temporary population by more than 0,000 people. f they all spent
50 ($5) a day on the island, this could easily earn the island in excess of 1 million ($1.5
million).

A very popular activity for the cruise shippers would be to dive the idyllic southern Caribbean.
Some would be certified divers and would dive the regular sites. We always found we were
exceptionally rushed with these divers, mainly because the cruise ships would inevitably be
late on the dock and would insist the guests were returned in time to pick up another trip in
the afternoon.

When it came to teaching en masse, we had it down to a tee at Red Sail Sports. 1 or of our
mini-buses would be despatched to collect the guinea pigs from the cruise ship harbour. Once
in the shop, the first thing they normally asked is why they had paid 3 ($110) for this course
when our price guide above the desk indicated it was only 60 ($90)? Well, the cruise ship
would simply charge them an excessive amount, whilst at the same time, negotiating with
RSS to pay the shop just 40 ($60) per head, thus making over 80% in profit. %hese day trip
excursions were a huge money spinner for the cruise ships.

We mostly team-taught the cruise ship passengers which worked well. %his prevented us all
going individually mad and the whole concept of group therapy was cheaper anyway. Once
they had all been sized up (in every sense of the word) for gear, we would lead them from the
shop to the pool at the Allegro Hotel, right next door. One of us would spin off with the
65

passengers for the theory part and the rest of the team would set up all the tanks and gear
besides the pool, in a very efficient manner.

%he theory part of the course was usually a 0 minute affair with the help of a flip chart as a
visual aid. t was pretty straight forward, breathe continuously, relax and enjoy was about as
basic as you could get. knew had done too many of these course when could rattle off the
theory without having to look at the flip chart. t all just came spouting out. knew when to
pause for effect, either to reiterate the most important bits or when it was time for them to
laugh. After all, diving should fundamentally be fun, especially if you are on vacation as these
guys were.

Once they were returned to their gear and stripped down to next to nothing, we would split the
group into smaller teams of up to 6. On occasions, they could total 4. Once in the shallow
water of the pool, each nstructor knew he had a few specific skills he needed to teach. %his
would generally be a case of talking about it for minute, demonstrate it and then ask each
student to return the favour. f for any reason they had a problem, we would simply repeat the
relevant step. f someone was still struggling, we would move on to the next person and
return to the problematic one at the end. Once they had seen others demonstrate the skill and
had a couple of minutes to think about it, it was rare they could not then do it. f they still
kicked up a fuss, they usually agreed to get out of the water.

As soon as the skills (breathing, mask clearing, regulator clearing and sharing air) had been
demonstrated and the guests could be described as comfortable, we would get them out the
pool, walk over the beach and on to the waiting boat on the dock. t was a very fluid and
efficient system. Our dive site was the remains of the Pedernales, an oil tanker sunk by a
erman U-boat in 194. say the remains, but actually it is now the remains of the remains.
%he story goes that the Pedernales was originally hit and damaged further on down the coast
of Aruba and managed to limp up the northern shore where it was intended to be run aground
for salvage. However, it got stuck in shallow water about 1km (0.6 mile) off the coast. After
the war, the Dutch marines had time and ammunition on their hands and basically used it as a
target practice. Consequently, what remains is not exactly identifiable. As a dive site for
beginners, it is ideal. Only 10m (33ft deep) and gin-clear water, there are bits of metal to look
at, a memorial stone and usually a lot of fish. During the year, the bait fish spawn and hatch
here, creating a huge ball of fish numbering in their millions.

have fond memories of the Pedernales. t had some wonderful little things to find and look
at, as well as some bigger ones. Frog fish are pretty rare but there were about 5 different
species found on this site. On one occasion, having sent all my divers to the surface and onto
the boat, was milling about underneath with my colleague and great friend uido. We were
both ferreting around when we were buzzed by a very rare and magnificent creature, a Manta
Ray. %hat's the thing love about diving, you never quite know what the day will bring.

Working at such break neck speed with the cruise ship guests did have its upsides on a
couple of occasions. On one, a very nice gentleman gave me a $10 tip as soon as had given
him a weight belt. When asked what this was for (as we hadn't actually done anything yet)
he simple said he had confidence in me and could see was going to take care of him. ndeed
did, as would like to think did for all those under my charge. On another occasion, took
another American gentleman on a DSD course along with a bunch of other passengers. At
the end of the course he tipped me 100 ($150), more than the value of the course itself.
Now, that did surprise me.

n May 004 was asked to take part in a wonderful surprise. A gentleman (and can't for the
life of me remember his name) asked me to teach his girlfriend Amy, the DSD course on a 1
to 1 basis. %his is rare but happens occasionally when someone is particularly nervous or has
too much money. On this occasion it was for something totally different. At the assigned time,
took Amy to the pool and went through the theory part before gearing up and jumping in the
water. We started to rattle through the simple skills. %here was me thinking this was going to
be an easy day and there was Amy thinking she hated being underwater! She suddenly stood
up in the shallow water and announced she did not like it and could we stop. 'Ahh' thought.
n any normal circumstances, yes but not today. was determined to help her overcome her
fears. A few minutes of relaxing and breathing techniques followed and we decided to give it
66

another go. Once more, she stopped and stood. Oh dear, this was not going to plan. With
another pause in proceedings, she was game enough to carry on and complete this part of
the course.

After lunch, we joined the boat and headed out to the Pedernales and took the plunge. She
was great and had a wonderful smile on her face as we poked about, finding a couple of the
Frog fish, an octopus and then her boyfriend. Unbeknown to Amy, we had pre-arranged for
her fella to jump on another dive boat and meet us on the Pedernales. He had watched and
waited as we geared up and jumped in. At the assigned spot, we stopped by the memorial
stone and as Amy read the inscription, her boyfriend opened a jewellers box and presented
her with a rather more impressive stone. always love to see people laugh underwater, purely
because the creases in the face cause the mask to flood! As he was proposing, pulled out a
couple of waterproof cards for them. He was able to ask her 'Amy will you marry me'? and
she could reply 'Yes' or 'No'. She chose the former. Phew. With a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and
$100 as a tip, went home pretty satisfied at a job well done.

Another happy marriage was saved quite by chance. was in the dive shop, repairing some
things and generally having a tidy up, when a classic Damsel in Distress came into the shop
asking for help. gathered my gear and walked with her down the beach. She was on her
honeymoon and had been mucking about in the shallow water with her new hubby when he
realised he had lost his wedding ring. was quite amused to find him standing there with
water up to his chest, petrified of losing his position as he knew the ring was somewhere
nearby in the sand.

Being a little more than 1m (3ft) deep, felt a bit of an arse in full Scuba, with the top of my
tank barely underwater, but it was necessary on this occasion. %he visibility was zero but all
could do was to make circular sweeps around his feet. t was almost like searching for a
needle in the proverbial haystack and after 14 minutes was ready to give up. Surely it would
be lost, probably buried into the sand. However, had recently helped someone else to find
their treasure, so carried on. After 0 minutes, found it though have to admit, was a bit
surprised. had expected to find a gold band but this one was white gold and huge. t fit over
my thumb! got another nice tip for my efforts.

A couple of weeks before, helped a very nice gentleman find his watch. We had been on the
way to a dive site when noticed and commented on his watch. am a fan of Omegas and
this one had been a gift, shortly before is wife had died. t had recently been cleaned and the
strap had been repaired. At the end of the dive and as the boat was heading back to the
shop, we noticed his watch was missing. He knew it was on his wrist as he finished the dive
as he checked the time as he completed his safety stop under the boat. %he problem was, we
couldn't turn back to get it, as the boat was on its infamous tight schedule.

Fearing it could be buried or found by some one else, after lunch was able to divert the boat
taking the afternoon divers and together with P, my Dive Master trainee, we decided we
would be dropped off on the mooring and look for it. As the boat needed to take divers to
another spot, we arranged for it to come and pick us up on the surface an hour later. P and
jumped in, slid down the mooring line and searched. Not only did we find the watch, we also
found the strap and then P picked out the pin as well. mpressive stuff. %he problem was, we
had only been in the water minutes and wouldn't be picked up for another 58. %ime for
some fun.

P was a lovely guy. had originally taught him and his Dad to dive a few months before. He
had instantly caught the diving bug and before we knew it, had decided to complete several
more courses; the Advanced Open Water, Rescue and now the Dive Master. His father was a
local entrepreneur who described himself to me as a Businessman. %o me, this is like owning
a print shop or a newsagent. n fact he had a bar in St. Nicholas, near the oil refinery.
Because we got on so well, he suggested the next time went to his bar, simply let the staff
know who was and everything was on the House. Now what he failed to tell me at the time,
and believe me found out a couple of weeks later when went there, was that this bar was in
fact the friendliest little whore house in town! What made the story even stranger to me was
that he had inherited the business, from his mother!
6

hapter 14
Just When You Think It's AII Going So WeII.


By now had been making a living out of diving for over years and loved it. What is more,
enjoyed my lifestyle in Aruba. t easy to see how people could make long term plans there.
Buying property was expensive on a local level but compared to London prices, it was a bit of
a bargain. %he price of my small bed flat near Wimbledon in London could buy a swanky 4
bed villa out there. When people asked, (as they invariably did) what my plans were, simply
made up a phrase. " will keep on moving until find either the place or the girl to make me
stop. t would be even better if found both in one spot. had met Lena, a beautiful
Norwegian while in %hailand and she had been to visit me twice. She also came to see me in
Aruba which was fantastic, despite me having to fly back to the UK in the middle of her stay,
for my ranny's funeral in early 004. However by mutual agreement, such a long distance
love story was not going to work. We were not even in the same Continent.

Some time later, met another beautiful girl, Kay. She really stole my heart. had taught her
to dive for the first of her 4 day Open Water course but had to hand over the course to my
colleague as was off for days. Still, that left me some energy for the evenings activities as
Kay and became acquainted. Her stay coincided with my parents coming to see me so they
even paid for a night out with us both. As Kay was in between contracts, she later came back
to stay with me for weeks and have to say, was really gutted when she had to leave.
Perhaps, just perhaps, she was '%he One'.

When Chuck and the affer came out to stay, it was wonderful to see them. Chuck had
recently lost her mother (my ranny) and so no doubt it was nice to leave the gloom of the
UK winter for some Caribbean sunshine. Although not discussed until they arrived, it quickly
became apparent should attempt to teach an old dog, new tricks. %he affer loves water as
much as do but had never attempted diving. n fact, due to issues with his ears, he has been
unable to free dive for years and always needs to wear ear plugs when he is in the water.
However, if was willing, he was game and so we went for it.

Because my contract stated could only work 10 days in 14, had some spare time for my
parents and it also allowed me to teach the affer on a 1 to 1 on my day off, so there was
absolutely no pressure from other paying guests. We would only do the Discover Scuba
Diving course but at least it would help him see what was constantly jabbering on about. As
usual, we started with the theory flip chart and then progressed to the pool. He was a
complete natural in the pool but had a lot of questions. Chuck was not interested in learning
but was happy to sit and watch us both.

n the afternoon, the 3 of us went out on the boat to the Pedernales. We let the other paying
guests jump off the boat and then we took our time to gear up and jump in. Knowing he
needed to have his ear plugs in, the descent was going to be a slow process as the plugs
would prevent him from equalising efficiently and quickly. actually thought it would prevent
him from diving altogether but that was not the case. Slowly but surely, we descended to the
sand and went about flapping. n fact, the very first thing we saw was a turtle which is always
a good way to start.

When we had finished and returned to the boat, was so happy. t is not often, in fact in my
case it had been a first, you ever teach your parents something new. When was the last time
you did it to yours wonder? Although Chuck had not been in the water, she had watched
from the boat and spoke at length to my mate and colleague uido. Up until this point, am
sure she thought was simply bumming about in the sunshine for a living. Speaking to uido,
think it began to dawn on her what we actually did and laying about on the beach was a very
rare luxury for any dive nstructor.

During my time on Aruba, had a great social life with my colleagues. t was rare any of us
socialised with the tourists for more than a night, mainly because we never really got to see
68

them for more than a day at a time and also, most of them were on vacation with families and
loved ones etc. t was also a popular place for honeymooners and they don't like to be
disturbed too much.

n addition to the regular drinks in the beach bars, learned to dance! have never been much
of a dancer, believe me. My sense of rhythm is OK but like most white boys, put me on a
dance floor stone cold sober and look like a ferret having some sort of epileptic fit. t is not a
pretty sight. %herefore, attending dance classes was as much a shock to me as it was to
anyone. However, was not learning the Waltz or even Disco. was to learn Merengue and
Salsa. My teacher, anice had been a World Champion no less and happened to live on
Aruba. Although was obviously in excellent company, my progress was not so positive.
really enjoyed swinging my hips and shaking my butt but my biggest problem was did not
had a regular partner each week. Whereas most of the other students had a permanent
dance partner, tended to dance with a different woman each week. %his was obviously fun
but it made me realise how different it was to dance with someone tall one week and then
someone shorter the next. Some ladies were far more confident as well and this really helped
with the dancing. took lessons for the last 10 weeks of my time on Aruba but was still crap at
the end of it all.

At work, uido and in particular started to see the cracks in the Red Sail Sports set up.
Whereas we both thoroughly enjoyed living on Aruba, RSS was beginning to kill the
enjoyment of the dive industry as far as we were concerned. %op of this was the inability to
form any sort of relationship with the client due to time constraints. Having originally come
from a Sales and % consultancy background, really knew the value in forming a relationship
with the client. However in Aruba, all too often we would dive with people for the day but
never get to know them. On too many occasions, we didn't even know their names. also
knew could earn far more money in tips, both for myself and for the shop, if the client could
sense we really took the time with them and cared for them. Unfortunately we could not
always offer this service.

At the annual RSS eneral Meeting, the entire staff were asked to attend and listen to how
well the business was doing and the plans for the future and was happy to go. %he early part
of the diving presentation did not go too well. Our boss, Marjan, made a point about reading
out a list of recent arrivals and leavers from the team but completely forgot about uido and
who had joined some 6 months before. %his did not really impress us and caused her much
embarrassment when someone else pointed it out. Another part of the meeting disclosed the
financials for RSS Aruba but it only revealed the turnover of the departments and the group
as a whole. %here were no details on the profitability of the company. %he final part of the
meeting didn't go too well when some customer feedback forms were read. Among these, the
dive department was described as being a cattle market. %he management wanted to portray
this as positive, it showed that we were very busy and the boats were always full. For the rest
of the team, we rather read it that the boat was full of animals being led to the slaughter.

As the weeks passed, uido and knew the Crew in the dive department was not happy. t
would have been very easy to simply ignore the fact but we took it upon ourselves to call a
meeting with the Dive Manager, Marjan and the RSS Aurba boss, Peter. We had both held
management positions in the past and were able to put forward a series of not only comments
but also of suggestions and solutions. %here was a growing gap between the Managers and
the rest of the team and as such, the communication and sharing of information between us
was missing. As anyone in business can tell you, the sharing of information and
communicating with your internal and external customers is vital to any success. %oo many
decisions seem to be made without any consideration and consultation and over time, this
was annoying especially to the local guys who wanted to work with RSS for many years to
come. uido and knew we were unlikely to stay on Aruba for too much longer but we did
want to help it grow and improve for those we left behind.

Our comments were duly taken into consideration and for a while, things seem to progress.
We then learned that Peter and Marjan were now having an affair, despite both being
married. %his just seemed to inflame the situation especially among the local staff and rather
sensed that my time was being wasted and would be better off moving elsewhere. was
69

offered a new job with another local dive shop but wanted to move on and besides, had
always regarded my job as an open ticket to travel around the world.

uido and his girlfriend Carine managed to jump off the island without anyone knowing
anything about it, apart from me. By doing so, he broke his contract but was able to walk
away without giving a months notice. decided to put my resignation in writing and duly gave
the required notice. You would think that abiding by the rules would have helped me. t didn't.

After had resigned, my last pay cheque was incorrect by 93 hours which is not an
insignificant sum. Having got nowhere with RSS, in a last ditch attempt to get paid, spoke to
the Department of Labour. t was agreed that was not being treated fairly and in fact it was
illegal. %he Department called Peter as sat in their office and explained that he was plainly
wrong and that the 93 hours owing to me should be released with immediate effect. Having
initially said that his decision was final, Peter was prepared to meet me the following day. t
was either this or face an escalation to the Aruban Court. %he following day, duly went to
meet Peter at the arranged time, only to find he was not in his office and was un-contactable.
His secretary was very embarrassed by his actions and knew was being screwed over.
was still officially an illegal worker after all. n my experience there is always a sad and dark
side to Paradise and you will only ever see this side by living there. %he tourist industry is a
cocoon of sunshine and happiness and being blissfully unaware of your surroundings. Aruba
is no exception.

Perhaps the most high profile case of Paradise turning ugly in Aruba was the Natalee
Holloway case. Natalee was on vacation on Aruba in May 005 when she disappeared and
has never been seen since. As with many small islands, the Aruban authorities obviously
wanted a quick solution and find her, alive or dead. What resulted became a huge media fire
storm that is still burning today, stoked by the fact she come from a wealthy American family
and she was a stunningly beautiful girl. Unable to reach a quick conclusion, the Aruban
authorities were heavily criticised for being unable to cope. %he 3 chief suspects in the case
were arrested, released and re-arrested and from all accounts, changed their stories about
times. t was a mess and CNN along with rest of the US media were all over it. %o this day,
there have been no further sightings of Natalee and it assumed she was raped and murdered.

Another sign of the dark side was the drugs scene on the island. Quite a few of the wrecks we
dived off the coasts were confiscated ships and an aeroplane. One of the ships, the ane
Sea, was supposedly carrying cement but was found to be carrying different type of white
powder altogether. For a time, lived on the beach to the North of the island and would walk
the 15 minutes along the beach to work. t was as idyllic as you can probably imagine. On one
morning, came out of the house and onto the beach and met a whole team of Police Officers
pulling large 33 gallon rubbish bags from the water. counted 0 bags, each one filled to the
brim with dope. Speaking to one of the Officers, they had chased a drug boat and the 'mules'
had dumped all of their cargo before heading off into the night. f only had been on the
beach a little earlier, could have started a whole new career!

0

hapter 15
Eat, SIeep, Drink And Dive


Living in Paradise is not quite how you imagine it. %he sun may be warmer, the sea may be
bluer but the grass is seldom greener in my experience. Having left Aruba in August 004
with a negative taste in my mouth (not because of the island but because of the business
management), was about to have an even bigger slice of bitterness to contend with.

Prior to leaving Aruba, had sent our my CV to various dive shops and liveaboard boats and
got a far better response than had thought, but nothing that really grabbed me. still wanted
to head out to the Pacific and to Micronesia in particular. One of the positive replies was for a
liveaboard, operating out of rand Cayman. t was not exactly what was seeking but
mulled it over in my mind for a few weeks. Due to legalities (or my own paranoia), will not
refer to this boat by the company name (based out of the USA) but anyone who knows the
diving community will know it has an 'Aggressive' sounding name. %here you go, you can
probably work out the rest.

%he reason didn't initially jump at the chance to move to rand Cayman was because was
not too happy about the circumstances of employment. Rather than rack up and work as was
the norm in most environments, this boat wanted me to jump through certain hoops and it
would incur quite a large bill as well, all paid for by me. When it was inevitable that things
were going tits up in Aruba, made the decision to go and do some hoop jumping but prior to
that, took a couple of weeks off to go and reacquaint myself with the lovely Kay in Virginia.
She had last been to Aruba a couple of months before and still thought she was magical,
which is rare for an independent bachelor like me. From Virginia, flew on down to rand
Cayman for a week long 'interview' on the boat.

was told the reason needed to go through this week long trial, was to create a tight and
efficient Crew on the boat and it was vitally important that worked well with the rest of the
team. %here were only 5 including the Captain, pandering to the needs of the 14 or so guests
on board every week. could understand this philosophy. A Crew that worked well together
would be far more enjoyable for me and a happy boat is generally a very profitable boat for all
concerned. Before they would employ me, they needed to see was a capable person, not so
much in diving or instructing terms but more in my personality and general work ethic. could
understand this and to some extent, was comfortable enough in my own abilities to warrant
the expense, seeing it as an investment in myself more than a cost. %he plan was that once
the week long internship was completed and deemed a success, would then be required to
go to Louisiana in the USA and complete a further 5 day course, an S%CW95 (Standards in
%raining, Certification & Watch keeping) course. Not heard of that one either huh? t is a
required certification course for mariners in the US, training them in key skills such as First
Aid, marine pollution, fire fighting and escaping from a submerged chopper. t sounded a bit of
a laugh to me.

As anyone will tell you about rand Cayman, it is an expensive but beautiful part of the world
and even flying in from Miami cost me an arm and leg. was duly picked up at the little airport
by the land-based director %om and driven to the dock, or so thought. For some reason, the
boat was a little delayed, so it was decided we should go for a late lunch instead and have a
chat. had spoken to %om on the phone and thought had a good grip as to what was
expected from me. n addition, thought %om had a good grip of what wanted to achieve as
well. hadn't exactly packed my toothbrush to come here for a vacation. %hough was
prepared to work in rand Cayman in the short term, really wanted to be on one of other
franchised boats in the fleet, namely in the Pacific (mostly Palau or Fiji). did not really expect
to hear his reply.

%om did not like the Captain of the boat, also called %hom. He was pretty up front about that.
%hey did not get on for various reasons and he wanted to share this with me. n addition,
there were changes afoot on the boat, several of the Crew were either about to leave or it was
1

suspected they would be leaving in the near future. %hat's OK, thought. Boat turnovers do
tend to be high, being a confined area of work and all that and besides, divers like me tend to
view the Ocean as our office and are quite eager to see a fair amount of it as part of our
career.

He then mentioned that when we did get on board the boat later that evening, there would be
a cocktail party to mark the end the guests week aboard and would have the opportunity to
meet the outgoing ntern who had been working on the boat for the past days. %his was
news to me. was surprised to hear had competition for the single spot on the team.
However, the guy getting off the boat was not going to be offered the position so it was still
available for me. When enquired as to what this chap had done to fuck it up, again did not
anticipate %om's reply.

"Nothing really, it's just that we cannot offer him the job because he is under 5.
Huh, what has that got to do with the price of bacon?
"He needs to be at least 5 to drive the bus to the airport to collect the guests each week.
Because he is too young, we cannot employ him. Shame as he is a nice kid.
So, at what point did %om know that this kid was too young?
"We knew all along but he was a persistent kid who was working on the island anyway and so
we thought we would give him a week and besides, it is a free Crew member for us.

%his young guy who did not even know, had well and truly been screwed.

A couple of hours later, met the outgoing ntern. He had enjoyed his week and loved the
diving but was not really impressed with the boat or the Crew. Before it went too far, told him
what knew about his situation and that he would not be offered a job. He had well and truly
been sold down the proverbial river. From what could see, we were both here for the same
reason, to be the extra man on the Crew and we would not be paid for it. No wage, no slice of
the tip money in the piggy bank for us. had agreed to come all this way at my own expense
but was not happy about the way my fellow diver was being treated.

%he week onboard was not the best, have to say. Having initially been told would at least
have a bed, this was not the case at all. All the Crew bunks were taken and the Captain was
not going to be sharing his double with me! My bed was therefore in the main saloon, one of
the bench seats used throughout the day for the guests. %he main problem had with this was
not that it was uncomfortable, but was unable to go to 'bed' until the last guest had finished
(which was around 01:00). was then woken when the Chef got up to start cooking breakfast
(which was 05:00) and by mid-week, was pretty knackered.

Being a relatively small boat, all the guests slept in bunk beds with cabins having to share a
small bathroom with shower, toilet and sink. My first job each morning was to deal with the
'jobbies'. %his boat, an old Crew boat to supply the oil rigs in the ulf of Mexico, did not have
a commercial flushing system, preferring the older camping-style crapper whereby you
needed to 'pump to flush'. Problem was, it seldom worked and so wandered the corridors in
the morning with the plunger to try and sort out the crap! Oh you should have seen me laugh.

As the week progressed, it became immediately obvious that all was not well with the Crew.
Despite the requirement for them all to get on with one another, they didn't. %hey all seemed
to take issue with Capt. %hom for being a cock who would take all the easy dive courses for
himself and therefore make the most commission, leaving the other guys to take 'sloppy
seconds'. t was also evident that the Capt and 3 diving Crew, only really wanted to jump in
the water, not to actually guide the guests but just to get off the boat and avoid one another.
With only 5 paid Crew members on the boat, there was a lot of work to be done. %he Chef
was up to his eyeballs in meat and veg every second of the day and considering the tiny
amount of space in the galley, he did a remarkable job. have to say, the Crew did work very
hard, cleaning the pots and pans, making the beds, filling the Scuba tanks, driving the boat
etc. Having worked on the liveaboard at Moskito in Phi Phi, could really begin to see the
advantages of running a boat in Asia. Because the wages were so much cheaper, you could
afford far more Crew and so the work per person was considerably less. As a diver, was
able to concentrate on diving, instructing and being there for the guests. On this boat,
everyone had to be a semi-professional mechanic, housemaid, bottle washer and customer


service liaison officer. %he most important skill learned that week was how to fold a bath
towel into the shape of a fish. n addition, they needed to dodge a hurricane.

Before the charter had begun, we all knew Hurricane Charley was heading our way. However,
the Captain decided to make the arduous overnight journey to Little Cayman and Cayman
Brac which are not exactly close. By the early morning, we arrived and hoped for a day of
diving. As predicted, Hurricane Charley was well and truly heading right for us, and so after
lunch, we had to haul ass back to the relative safety of the mangroves on rand Cayman.
Having taken almost half a day to secure the boat in place, all we could do was sit and wait.
%he Hurricane was pretty big, a Category 3 (having peaked at a Category 4) but we were
completely sheltered within the mangroves. sn't it amazing who how nature can work both for
and against you?

By the end of the week, had seen what had needed to see and can't say really liked it.
%he diving was great, maybe not world class but it had been lovely. As individuals, the Crew
were fine but the whole atmosphere did not gel and still had a bad taste in my mouth about
the way the other guy before me had been treated. At the weekly cocktail party, had a chat
with %om and %hom about what thought of the joint and what they thought of me. think we
all lied to each other!

"Of course would love to work here
was followed by
"Of course we would love you to come and work here

t was agreed would need to work on the Cayman boat initially and could then try and
transfer to another franchise in the Pacific. %he boat owners all talked to one another, much
like McD's would suspect. packed my bags and headed back to the U.S. of A the next
morning.

My next destination was somewhere had never expected to find myself. flew up from rand
Cayman to Miami (joined the 3 hour immigration queue along with most of Africa and South
America from what could tell) and then onto New Orleans. had been here once before in
1991 and had a fantastic time, mostly in the bars of Bourbon Street. %his time, had not come
to sightsee or even get drunk at Mardis ras. %he young and not-so young women who
sprayed the crowd with cheap booze and flashed their tits was not for me this time around,
which was a shame.

went to collect my rental car and am not sure why, but have good karma when it comes to
being upgraded. seldom get upgraded on a plane but with cars have a good success rate.
Unfortunately the Aston Martin DBS had been taken, but in its place, was given some piece
of Pontiac crap instead.

spent the next 5 days at South Central Louisiana %echnical College following the S%CW 95
(Standards of %raining, Certification and Watch keeping) course. t covered Personal Survival
techniques, Fire Fighting and Fire Prevention, First Aid, Personal Safety and Social
Responsibility. found it good fun, once could understand what the hell was being said. On
the first day, sat at the back of the class. was the only nternational student there and had
right fun and games trying to fathom out what the hell they were talking about. %hey allegedly
spoke English, but this was not the English am accustomed to. Speaking in a Creole dialect,
really struggled to figure out what was happening but managed to get through it. have
never been so self-aware of my British accent. t probably sounded as if the King of England
was sitting at the back of the room whenever spoke.

Most of the guys in the class were preparing to work out on the gas and oil platforms in the
ulf of Mexico and were pretty hardened men. We all had our strengths and weakness
throughout the course. was good at the First Aid and particularly loved the in-water
challenges, jumping in the training pool fully clothed to recover bodies and swim certain
distances. We also had to jump 10m (33ft) from a platform and then best of all, escape from a
helicopter as it crashed in to the water and overturned. was in my element at these
challenges. However, seeing as most of my classmates could not actually swim, most of them
just shat their pants as soon as they heard what the next task was going to be.
3


On the final day, the tables were turned and really struggled. As you can imagine, mid-
August in Southern Louisiana is baking hot at the best of times. Add to that was then
dressed in full fire fighting gear and then they set fire to the building. was really struggling.
%hough comfortable with breathing through the apparatus which is very similar to the full face
masks have dived with, the shear heat and exhaustion felt on that day was amazing. was
completely sapped of all energy within minutes, gasping for breath and needing water by the
bucket load, to counter the effects of dehydration and over heating. remember thinking to
myself that here was, a fit young guy yet was struggling to cope after just 10 minutes. Add
to that the stories of the Fire Fighters who attempted to climb the 80 floors or so in the World
%rade Centres and suddenly felt completely inadequate. will never take fire fighting for
granted. t is truly frightening in my humble opinion.

4

hapter 16
Regrets, I've Had A Few


've lived a life that's full
travelled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
did it my way

Regrets 've had a few
But then again too few to mention
did what had to do
And saw it through without exemption


Anyone who has not regretted something they have or have not done, is either a liar or a
boring bastard. We all make mistakes and am a great believer in acknowledging and
learning from them before moving on with my life. For sure, was a right little shit as a kid and
am sure my family would agree but we can put that down to childhood and general
adolescence for the time being. Up until the time packed up and moved abroad, had led a
somewhat myopic and enclosed life. went to a private school and nothing really happened. t
was all very white and middle class. spent 10 years there and of the 00 pupils, less than a
dozen kids had anything apart from white skin. %he same was at Uni in SW London. Although
there were a few more minorities, it was still predominantly a white and middle class
environment. Although we had a Student Union, it wasn't exactly a place to paint placards
and march the streets around Westminster. t was more a place to buy cheap alcohol and the
Friday Night Bop!

By moving abroad, expanded my horizons way beyond anything had encountered before.
had backpacked Australia and worked in the USA but these we still enclosed environments.
Even the year lived in %oulouse in France was mostly spent in the company of other Brits
and foreign exchange students, namely Americans and ermans. French students didn't
socialise in the way that we did. %hailand and Aurba had brought me to a whole new place in
my life. was not on vacation abroad, was living and working abroad and was now mixing
with a far more diverse and multi-cultural group of people. had never really come into
contact with the %hais, Malaysians, Singaporeans or such a wide range of Europeans. %he
same could be said of religions, the ews, Muslims, Christians, Buddhists etc. For sure, there
were differences but fundamentally there were far more similarities between us all. %he %hai
phase 'Same Same but Different' sums it up nicely.

With this change in environment, changed in character and for the better feel. %he past 10
years have taught me a great deal about values and what is really important. have by no
means turned into a long haired hippy who wants the world to forfeit everything they have
worked for and to share the wealth among the squirrels and badgers. %hrough my
experiences, have just come to the realisation that ultimately we are almost all the same, but
different. Somewhat of a clich know but understanding each others needs and
requirements according to culture and personal traits could perhaps help our world be a little
easier in my opinion. just don't get Religion. From what understand, the principal of
Religion should be to bring people of together. From my point of view, it actually helps to pull
people in the opposite way. For a simple bloke like me, have never looked at a person and
decided because they are ewish or Black, won't like them or who they represent. have
come to the conclusion that Religion segregates us and creates far more problems than it
solves. have issues with those who say that Religion is the sole way of leading a moral and
5

just life. Sod that for a game of soldiers. may not to pray or wear a symbol around my neck,
but am pretty sure know the difference between Right and Wrong. Being respectful does
not always require the preaching of a book or an hour of my time every Sunday. oing to
Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

How did get on this deep topic anyway? Ah yes, was about to make a series of fuck ups
and how regret these. Having said that, looking on the positive side, it brought me to where
am today and no one or animals were hurt in the process.

Having completed the S%CW 96 course in August 004, flew from Louisiana (LA) to Virginia
(VA) to stay with Kay for what intended would be for a couple of weeks. Before left rand
Cayman, had been told a couple of the Crew would be leaving soon and would be asked to
take their place. %herefore, arrived in VA in a pretty chilled frame of mind. A week passed.
heard nothing.

Over the following weeks, called rand Cayman over and over. %he places were allegedly
still going to come available but they could not guarantee when. waited. As time marched
on, asked to be considered for the Pacific boats in the fleet as this was my original plan
anyway. n the meantime, painted Kay's apartment and visited every nook and cranny of the
vast Smithsonian museum in Washington D.C.

became increasingly assured was being fed a pack of crap especially when heard yet
more interns had been invited to the boat. %he only conclusion came to was they were using
the premise of the weeks internship as a means of free labour on a busy boat. t pissed me off
no end can assure you and as soon as was satisfied with this conclusion, started to look
for another job elsewhere. %he dark side of the diving industry had reared its ugly head and
did not like being a part of it.

Within a couple of weeks, the offers started to appear in my inbox. %his all sounds very
positive and perhaps was a world class kinda of guy but it wasn't really. As with almost every
industry, the diving community is unfortunately littered with bad shops and resorts. By keeping
an ear to the ground and an eye on the job websites, you can quickly figure out who the
cowboys are. For me, telling signs would be multiple vacancies in one shop or a consistent
recruiting process. %hese indicate a high staff turnover which is rarely a positive. n addition,
began to become far more selective in what wanted to do. Obviously diving would be at its
core, but was not keen to repeat my experience in Aruba with the bad management and the
endless supply of Mickey Mouse divers. Obviously would not be able to really judge until
arrived at a destination but was happy to pass on several of the offers, mostly coming from
Mexico at that time.

%hen struck gold or what hoped would be gold. had spotted a relatively bland advert on
the PAD website, requiring a diving member of the Crew. Something grabbed my attention
and thought perhaps this was not a Crew on a liveaboard dive boat. t seemed to be from a
private yacht of some kind. Anyway applied in the usual manner with a tailored letter and
accompanying C.V. and low and behold, received a positive reply within days. was right, it
was not a dedicated dive boat but a brand spanking new private super yacht. t was actually
on the cover of Show Boats nternational for September 004. %he m.v. (motor vessel) %riton
is 49.m (163ft) of diving luxury, owned by a Californian who intended to take a 3 year tour of
the globe, fulfilling his desire to dive and fish some the best waters on offer. t was suggested
that would like to join them as 1 of 5 nstructors on board for the cruise in a lifetime. t took
about seconds to say yes! Having missed an opportunity to join the %atoosh in %hailand,
this was my entry in to the world of private super and mega yachts.

Working on the yachts is not all glitz and glam but it can be very worthwhile. Whereas the
salaries are not outstanding, they do come tax free and everything is paid for, so a monthly
wage is basically just pocket money. Depending on the boat, tips can also add to your piggy
bank. Some boats are purely for the pleasure of the owner and family. Some are business
enterprises, owned by a consortium and chartered out to anyone who can afford them. Some
larger yachts can command well over 400,000 ($600,000) a week. Mind boggling amounts.

6

Of course the diving from such a boat could be magnificent. get a real thrill from the few
occasions have dived in an area that is rarely touched. Who doesn't like a good old
fashioned Virgin once in a while? However, the diving was likely to have been a minor part of
the working week, with the majority of it spent cleaning and maintenance. %here is a very apt
maritime phrase. '%here are only good days for a boat owner. %he day he buys it and then
the day he sells it'. Boats are a huge undertaking and although brand new, the m.v. %riton
sounded like a luxurious workhorse which was fantastic. So many of the super yachts sit
around in Monaco or St. Barths and don't move for months on end. %hey become floating
hotels so what is the point?

spoke to the Kiwi captain on the phone about the role. When asked where or how would
join the boat, he gave the wonderful answer that the ships helicopter would pick me up from
San Diego airport and bring me to the yacht. One of the requirements for taking the job was to
get a new visa though. was already in the USA, but arriving on a plane with a British
passport, was not required to enter on a visa. Entering the USA by sea however, does
require one. My initial thought would be to nip into D.C. and get one. was staying just over
the river in VA with Kay so no problemo, or so thought. %he problem was, as had arrived
without a visa, there was no visa to be changed or upgraded so the only thing could do was
to leave the USA, apply for a visa and then re-enter. t was all a bit of a palaver to be honest.
Speaking to the Captain, he suggested fly up to Canada and apply from Calgary of all
places.

A few phone calls later and it emerged that applying for a new US visa is a timely job. f
returned to London, the waiting list was several weeks. Same applied for Montreal, %oronto
and Vancouver. %he nearest and quickest application was in Calgary, Canada and that is not
exactly around the corner from where was. n addition, the flight from D.C. was likely to cost
upwards of 530 ($800) and having had an expensive trip to rand Cayman, followed by the
course in Louisiana, with hotel and car hire, was a bit short of cash. really had to think
about this.

n addition, there was still the matter of leaving Kay. She was such a beautiful girl in every
sense and loved staying with her. Having said this, the problem encountered with people
had met on vacation was precisely that. %hey were on vacation, was not. Now the roles were
reversed. Suddenly was on vacation without a care in the world, whereas she had recently
started a new job and was working the 9-5 route. t was so different to messing about in
Aruba, going for a dive or lying on the beach under the continual sun.

At the same time as the offer on the m.v. %riton, was also called and offered a position on
the Windjammer Barefoot Cruise ship, s.v. (sailing vessel) Polynesia. One of my colleagues
from Aruba was now working on the sister ship, s.v. Legacy and recommended took on the
role of Diving manager on the Polynesia. t sounded great fun, would allow me to sail and dive
the West ndies and Virgin slands and considering was the only member of the diving
department, would be my own boss!

don't know what made me choose one over the other, but did, and chose wrongly and
years later, still wonder what could have been. packed my bags, kissed Kay goodbye,
reluctantly knowing this was probably the last time was going to see her again and headed
to the airport.




hapter 17
Ever Taken A Shower On A Taiwanese Fishing Boat?


Oh bugger me, thought, as flew into %rinidad nternational late on Saturday night in October
004. Having spent the past few days negotiating with the job offers, had made the
decision, for better or worse and join the Windjammer fleet of small cruise ships operating in
the Caribbean. Part 1 was to be picked up at the airport. %his did not happen. n fact, having
arrived at immigration in %rinidad, the company's liaison was nowhere to be seen and so
had no paperwork to justify my existence on the island. Not a good start. An hour followed
when the dude eventually showed up with some paperwork and my passport was duly
stamped and was sent on my way.

Outside, happened to bump into Crew member with Windjammer t-shirts on, so
introduced myself. One of the guys was a young Panamanian called Cesar and thankfully he
seemed to know what was happening. We shared a cab and went off into the night in search
of a glorious sailing boat.

%he Polynesia was originally a Portuguese fishing schooner, built in 1938 for the purpose of
nicking all the cod from the rand Banks of the East Coast of the USA. t is a long way to sail
but having plundered their own coastal waters, the trip was financially worthwhile and the Poly
was supposedly the fastest schooner in the sea and could therefore return to the markets
ahead of her competition. t had later been converted into a more comfortable but sluggish
cruise ship and sailed the Caribbean Windward, Leeward and Virgin islands on weekly
charters.

rose early on Sunday morning for the Heads of Department (HODs) meeting with my new
boss, Captain Cornelius Plantefaber (aka Capt. Casey). was a little taken a back when
Casey simply asked me who was and what was doing here. replied that was his new
Dive Mate and the office in Miami had asked for me to get my butt to %rinidad immediately, as
the ship was allegedly ready to leave dock and head out for sea with a new charter. %hat was
the first of a number of cock ups that seemed to follow the Windjammer ships.

%he Poly was not going to sail the following day nor any time soon in fact. t was currently sat
in wet dock and was still awaiting authorisation to move into the dry dock for further work to
the hull. t was at least weeks late and life was going to get a whole lot tougher before it got
better. n no uncertain terms, had very little to do and no one knew what to do with me
anyway. As the Dive Mate in control of my own destiny, did a lot of running, sweating and
cleaning. Pulling out all the dive and snorkelling equipment, did a thorough and pointless
inventory, left it all on deck to be washed by the torrential afternoon storms and packed it all
up again.

Before we could move to the dry dock in Chaguaramas, the Captain needed to know the
precise draft of the keel to ensure a safe and uneventful passage into the dock. uessing
wasn't really precise enough and neither was chucking a weighted line over the side and
hoping. As the designated diver, was tasked with jumping in the dock and have a fumble in
the dark. Fair enough thought, could at least be of some use to the company and justify my
crap wages!!

had never jumped in a wet dock before, well not intentionally anyway. %hough it was warm,
the visibility was completely shit, actually it probably was shit. was tasked with sinking to the
draft line and measuring the precise depth the ship was sitting. n my opinion, the precise
computers on my wrists would do this job more than adequately. had one in metric and the
other in imperial so thought should be able to keep every one happy. Not so fast young
Munnsy! No, modern technology could fail and so after a couple of inconclusive (but very
reliable depth findings) was asked to sink once more with the modern and fool proof
technology of a plumb line. %aking 3 measurements, we concluded the average depth was in
fact exactly equal to my computers and therefore the world was a safer place and could
8

climb out. Now, a wet dock is not exactly like a swimming pool. %here is no shallow end with a
convenient ladder at one end. After 10 minutes of swearing my head off, one of the Crew
eventually heard my calls and came over to help me. %hrowing in a rope, he pulled me the 3m
(10ft) onto the dock. probably stank of pooh.

%he following day, the Poly sailed around the coast to Chaguaramas and into the dry dock.
Hurrrah, we slid in nicely. n the afternoon, took a taxi back to the wet dock to sort out some
paperwork with the authorities and had a bit of a surprise waiting for me. As passed security
and walked along the dock, was somewhat surprised to see what appeared to be a m (ft)
crocodile sitting there, wrapped up in duck tape.

"Wow, where did you find that bad boy? enquired
"n the dock there was the reply
"What, that dock there, the one was diving in yesterday?
"Yup, we saw it swimming around as your ship was leaving.

Now, can handle most things in the natural world and especially in the aquatic realm but the
idea of bumping into a Croc (or technically a Spectacled Caiman) in zero visibility and
confined water, was just a little unnerving to me. Still, had both arms and legs attached so
that was OK.

For those of you who have never had the delight of living on a boat in a dry dock, let me
assure you, it is not pretty. Actually, it is hell on earth, especially as the Crew still had to live
on board and there was no escape from the heat, humidity and stench. %he Poly needed a
replacement prop shaft and so dry dock was essential. %his means all power and supplies are
cut. %here is no electricity or water. Sounds OK for a few hours, maybe a day or . Men don't
mind being smelly for a short while. Bit like camping in some ways. You live off all the crap
your mother tells you is bad for you, choccy, tins of beans and lots of crisps etc. %his is quite
funny for a day or as well. t is not quite so funny when it lasts for over 10 days.

With no power, there is no escape from the heat. t was as hot as a badgers arse on shore
and within the ships hull, it was truly horrendous. %here was no water, so washing was off
limits, as was cooking or anything relating to hygiene or self-survival. %he only drinking water
immediately available was from the fire hoses on the dock. When it came to personal
hygiene, we would try and use the public facilities on the dock with suppos'ed hot water and
clean facilities for washing your teeth etc. Nothing could be further from the truth. %he place
stank and you came out feeling dirtier and smellier than before. On one occasion, things were
so bad, accepted an offer of a shower on the %aiwanese fishing boat moored along side the
dock. %hey still had power and water and so boarded to take a shower at the end of another
hot and sweaty day. f thought my living quarters were bad, this place was 10 times worse

Now, add to this, it was completely pitch dark within the Poly. All the port holes had been
welded shut years before as the Poly had been converted from a fishing boat to a cruise ship.
Notice how am omitting the word 'Luxurious' here. %he Poly was cheap and cheerful and
offered cheap and cheerful cruises for the ammers, as the Windjammer followers were
affectionately known. Welding shut any sort of potential escape hatch sounds a little dodgy
doesn't it? Well, it is and for that and many other reasons, the Poly and all its sister ships
were barred from operating within US territorial waters, even though the owners were
American and lived in Miami.

Within a couple of days, a few of us had worked out the solution to smelling reasonably nice
was to walk the couple of miles to the %rinidad Yacht club and pretend to be a Ya-Ya Yachtie
each evening. %rying to make ourselves as presentable as possible, we would get into the
yacht club, take a shower and spruce up and have a decent meal, all the while making out
that we worked on a private yacht, parked up the coast line. We got away with it as well, for
about week. Each evening though, we inevitably had to return the Poly. Although it was nice
to have a passenger cabin to myself, all could do was sleep. t was pitch black anyway.
Each night, my last thought before passing out was, could so easily have been living in
luxury aboard the super yacht, %riton. Oh Bugger.
9

hapter 18
SmaII IsIands, LittIe PeopIe


As soon as the Poly had a new prop shaft, we left %rinidad and was not sorry to say good
bye in the least. Considering the choice, Windjammer or %riton, had well and truly fucked up
on and knew it. %here were many times when thought of packing up and leaving %rinidad
but the Captain had my passport and thought it would be rude to abandon ship at this point.
Oh how nave could have been? %he Windjammer management were perhaps the most
inadequate and unprofessional company had ever come across and have met and worked
with quite a few incompetent people before. However, my nature is to try and give people the
benefit of the doubt and try to judge people only by what actually see, rather than what
hear along the grapevine.

Right from the get-go, it was obvious that the company was a mess and that communication
had all but broken down. had been told to get to %rinidad in a hurry as the Poly was due to
leave the dock and head out to sea to collect its new charter from St. Vincent. n fact, the Poly
was nowhere near being ready to leave %rinidad and didn't even have a working prop shaft by
the time arrived. Something as simple as this would have been cleared up in a matter of
seconds with a phone call but it was obvious the Captain had little time for the Miami office
and they had little regard for him or the Crew, though am sure everyone concerned would
deny it. %he weekly HODs (Heads of Department) meeting had a running joke as each Head
was asked to comment on how they were doing and what they needed. %he Head Engineer
had been waiting for a new part for the laundry dryer for over a year and each week the part
number was added to the request sheet and passed to Miami. never did work out why they
didn't just order it themselves and miss out Miami altogether. Most things seemed to be paid
for by cash anyway so am sure a few extra dollars could be diverted in this way just to keep
the bed sheets smelling nice again!

Although ran the Dive department by myself, part of my brief was to link in with the Activities
Mate to help with the on-shore excursions which was easy enough. However, when met the
'new' Activities Mate, she was not what had expected but then nothing was on this ship. Lisa
was Canadian and very, very loud. She could be pretty funny at times but more often than
not, a complete nightmare. Suffering from bipolar disorder, she was very hit and miss to say
the least. Such a condition on such a confined area such as a boat was horrendous. %o add
to her woes and maybe to hide them, she drank a lot, more often than not, alone in her cabin.
Lisa had worked for Windjammer the year before but had been sacked for wrongly accusing a
fellow Crew member of assaulting her. For some reason, someone thought it would be a good
idea to reinstate her. Maybe they were just desperate. She resigned after the first week,
which thought was a good thing. However, her parents would not take her back and she had
no where else to go and so asked for her resignation to be ignored, which it was.

On the more positive note, had some great times on the boat. One of the biggest reasons for
accepting the role in the first place was to see a fair chunk of the Caribbean islands. n
addition to Aruba and rand Cayman, got to visit and dive

O %rinidad
O reneda
O Carriacou
O Mayreau
O %obago Cays
O Bequia
O St. Vincent
O St. Lucia
O Dominica
O Nevis
O St. Kitts
O St. Barths
80

O Anguilla
O St. Maarten

loved the Windward and Leeward islands. Due to Colonisation by the Dutch, French,
Spanish and the British, they were all so different. %he diving varied enormously as well. %he
water was always warm and generally calm but the diversity of life there was very sporadic.
Without doubt, my best diving was in Dominica. had some truly great dives there, very deep
and clear water, sustaining a wide variety of fish and coral.

Some of the islands like St. Vincent are easy to reach by tourists and so the infrastructure is
fairly developed. Other islands are harder to reach and poorer but they have managed to
maintain their culture and not sell themselves out. particular enjoyed my time in Mayreau,
Bequia and Nevis.

With roughly 110 guests a week, met over 000 people aboard the Poly and there aren't
many jobs that bring you into contact with so many different people and actually have time to
chat to some of them. Being a relatively small number and being a very social boat, there was
always someone to chat to at the bar or go ashore with. dived with a few of the guests each
week but at night, there were either organised events or time to go ashore to eat or have a
beer. t was a fun mix.

Despite meeting so many, actually got to know only a few guests each week. t was a case
of, if didn't know their name within 48 hours, it meant our paths hadn't really crossed and
therefore almost didn't bother. %here was no way could learn 100+ names, but did at least
try to say hello to them all at some stage. However, do remember saying goodbye to all the
guests one week and swear met a guy for the first time as he stepped off the boat.

One of the more memorable families on the boat was the Foos Family. We heard in advance
they were coming and they would be easy, or perhaps not so easy to spot. Such a cryptic
message had me intrigued. Having checked-in everybody on the Sunday evening, went to
grab some food. Most of the guests had already eaten by this time and as was helping
myself, was suddenly aware of what thought was a little boy jumping up and down at my
side.

"Ooh, hello. Can help you with anything? enquired
"Hi. Yes, can you tell me what is on the table? can't see what is on offer.

Fair enough. oe Foos was what would call a dwarf. n fact, he is one of 00 types of dwarf,
only the more PC term is apparently, Little Person of America. Poor guy was just a little too
short to see what was on offer, so was jumping up and down like a kangaroo to sneak a peak
at today's menu.

had never met a Little Person before so this was both amusing and maybe a little sad. Oh by
the way, am aware of the amount of times am writing 'little' right now. Once oe was
settled, the entire family came to join us. inny (Mum), was a Little person. %hey also had 3
Little children, Alex, Dasha and Ben. later learned all sorts about the Fooses. Dad oe had
been an Ewok in Return of the edi which thought was just fantastic. Alex was the eldest
son, probably only 9 at the time along with his brother Ben, though little in stature, was huge
in character. %heir sister, Dasha was a lot quieter. She had been adopted from an orphanage
in Russia. Obviously, inny and oe knew she was also a Little Person, but had not been told
she was also autistic until several months later when she was settled in the USA. loved this
family. %hey were so positive and great fun and they completely dominated the weeks cruise
but in the best way. %hey rarely needed additional help and never heard them complain.

have worked with disabilities on a few occasions. %hough am no nurse and am not sure
could really cope with such issues on a full time basis, have enjoyed my time with them.
When was training as a Dive Master back in Phi Phi, had been asked to act as a dive
Buddy for a lady who had Polio. She had paid for a week on the Moskito liveaboard
'Excalibur', and was asked to assist the Crew in return for a knock down price. My Buddy
was mentally very fit, a self-employed British accountant, but her withered legs meant she
was obviously in need of help. For sure it took a day or to find a routine but once that was
81

sorted, it was all pretty easy. She needed webbed gloves for propulsion as her legs were
useless to her, so as long as we kept out of the currents, she was fine. At the end of the dive,
it was pretty straight forward exercise of removing her Scuba gear in the water and then she
would bear hug me and would simply walk up the dive ladder and place her in the corner of
the dive deck. She would then dry off, be fed and watered and unless she needed to go
elsewhere, would simply bear hug her once again and carry her from the dive deck to the
forward sun deck where she would spend the next hour or so, getting a tan and reading a
book. She was a lovely lady but also loved to talk a huge amount and so we all took it in turns
to go forward for a 0 minute chat before being relieved by the next person. Once we were
ready for the next dive, would go and find her, pick her up and literally, chuck her overboard!
t was the easiest thing for her and for me. Once in the water, she could drift back to the dive
deck, put her wetsuit and gear on in the water and off we went. Simples!

After had left school and before headed to Australia and the USA in 1991, had worked in
a 10-pin bowling centre in York. During the quieter times of the day, it was not unusual to
have a group or who were disabled in some shape of form. For sure, some were never
really going to be able to bowl but was really surprised by the blind bowlers. For a couple of
weeks, we would always blow up the bumpers for them to help prevent the balls from going
down the gutters. f they hit the inflatable bumpers, the balls would simply bounce off the
cushions and eventually hit the pins, we hoped!

What found with the blind bowlers was when we helped them to the lane and lined them up
with the little markers, they had a remarkable sense of exactly where they were. With time,
they could walk to the lane by themselves and throw a perfectly good ball. After a few weeks,
we didn't even bother to use the bumpers. %hings like this inspire a guy like me. think that is
why love watching the Paralympics, especially the swimmers.

inny Foos asked me if could teach young Alex to dive, well the Discover Scuba Course
anyway. %he simple answer was yes, could teach him but should teach him? n theory it
was against the standards. However, was the boss of my own destiny and was up for it.
Using the smallest of the junior equipment, we had him all kitted out in no time.

taught the course alongside another guest, Ali. also had Alex's uncle in the water with me.
He was already qualified and wanted to assist which was great. My photos of the 3 of them
make me laugh. For some reason, Alex's physique did not allow him to sit in a horizontal
position, he was always vertical with his little legs flapping about like a duck! %he conditions
off the beach of Nevis were not ideal, a little surge and bad visibility but we got through it.
Every time we stood to talk through the next skill, was very mindful of inny, pacing up and
down on the beach to check up that everything was OK.

Having completed the simple course and had a little dive off the beach to find some star fish
and coke cans, we returned to the shore and a very happy Mum! She almost made me cry
when she later came and hugged me and asked if realised had just made a little boys
dream come true. must admit this thought had not occurred to me, but it does tug on the old
heart strings to this day.

t does not surprise me in the least to later learn that the Foos family had their own %V show
in the USA, 'Meet the Fooses'. Alex and Ben in particular were born showmen. remember
the time when, during the crab racing activity (don't ask) the guests were all asked to tell a
joke. Some were crap, occasionally they were very dirty and some could be very funny. When
Alex stood up, the crowd was quiet. For the next 5 minutes, he told the longest, the funniest
and the dirtiest joke think have ever heard. Whereas his mum was holding her head in her
hands in embarrassment, her dad was so proud and cheered him on all the way to the punch
line.

Another memorable moment had on the boat was very a simple affair but one remember
with fondness. Each morning, as we arrived at a new island for the day, the Captain would go
about his 'Story %ime'. would sometimes attend these as well, especially if had something
to say to the divers on board. %oday's port of call was St. Kitts and the Poly was tied up
alongside the brand new dock. %hough rare, it was not unknown to have mascots and other
memorabilia brought up the table for some reason. On this occasion, there was a single
8

plastic duck, just like the one you have for your bath tub. Fair enough thought, and gave it no
more thought.

After the mornings dive, returned the boat. washed the dive gear on the top deck and set
about hanging it out to dry. Aye Aye Capt'n, what do we have here? Peering back at me,
hidden between the Scuba tanks, found another duck. Plucking the little fellow out from his
hidey hole, carefully took him to join his cousin on the Captains %able. could see the little
plastic ducky had company. %here were now 4 ducks. By mid afternoon, a total of 6 ducks
had been found, hiding in the rigging, the alley, almost anywhere. started to take some
photos, fearing this was the last time would see such a handsome bunch of plastic ducks.
What is the collective noun for plastic ducks anyway? Apparently, could call them a Bunch, a
Paddling, a String or even a Sord of ducks but they all refer to live ducks, not the plastic
variety. How about a Bubble (as in a Bubble Bath) of Ducks?

As the sun began to set, am happy to report we had a fine Bubble of 10 little ducks and no,
not all ducks look alike. We had yellow, green and pink ones. Even better was that the
Polynesia was moored up on the dock alongside the Queen Mary, the worlds largest cruise
ship at the time. f they didn't think it already, having 10 plastic ducks on full show
compounded their thoughts about us. As far as recall, we never found out who had brought
and hidden these ducks throughout the boat which is why am now convinced the Polynesia
was on the plastic duck migration path from the bathtubs from North America to the sunny
Caribbean but am not too sure. Perhaps the WWF can help me this one?



83

hapter 19
Tsunami


was on the Poly for Christmas day 004. On Boxing day, went ashore to the local internet
caf. For some reason, Hotmail was down and so were other websites. could see wasn't
alone in my frustration. remembered the last time they had crashed. %hat had been on 9/11
001. checked the BBC website and was truly shocked. t sends shivers down my spine
even now as write this.

am sure, rather like with the 9/11 attacks, the death of Princess Diana, the Moon landings
etc we all know exactly where we were when we first heard the news. was sat at a desk in
an internet caf in Philipsburg on St. Maarten in the Dutch Antilles. t was a lovely day, was
sipping an iced coffee and all was well with the world, in my world anyway. fully expected to
check my email for the usual Christmas abuse from my family and friends and carry on as
usual.

As soon as opened the BBC News website, was well and truly gob smacked by the
headlines. %sunami. %housands Dead. ndonesia & %hailand. ndian Ocean. knew what it
was and knew they are not pretty. t was immediately evident this was a disaster of an
unimaginable scale. %hrough all the headlines, spotted words that jumped right off the
screen. Phi Phi.

Phi Phi had well and truly been dealt a hammer blow by the %sunami. t was immediately
evident there had been catastrophic destruction and many deaths. %hey were predicting half
the population of this beautiful little island had been lost. %hat was about 1500. had friends
and ex-colleagues who were in %hailand at the time and some of them were more than likely
on Phi Phi. My Hotmail account was down but was able to open my Yahoo account. My
contacts were not duplicated in this account so was unable to write to many people but did
remember a couple of addresses. wrote to them, basically asking if they were OK and what
could they tell me. %here was not a lot could do at this stage.

For the most part, not many people really understood the consequences of the %sunami at
this stage. was very interested but obviously because of my ties to the %hais and to
ndonesia. From all accounts, Aceh, the province had been 'deported' from, had literally
been washed away. When the Poly guests arrived that night, most of them were flying at the
time of the %sunami and were completely unaware. Some were unconcerned about it. %hey
had come to the Caribbean for a vacation, so 'let's party'.

%he next chance had to go ashore and check my emails was in St. Barths, 3 days after the
event. had written to Keith who had been such a huge part of my time in %hailand. He had
been on Phi Phi itself and had survived but his story, albeit limited, was harrowing to say the
least. His new girlfriend had survived as well but there was no news on other people we
knew. He had evacuated the island the following morning as the %hai authorities moved onto
the island to continue with the Search and Recovery and more likely, the removal of the
bodies which had begun to pile up. Of those missing were Heinz, the owner of Moskito Diving,
along with his young daughters, Anna and %ina.

%he very next email read, was again from Keith. %hey had found the bodies of Heinz and his
daughters. He had been found, still cradling his beloved girls. don't mind admitting, cried.
still do today. %heir deaths were a tragedy among the thousands, but knew this guy. knew
him very well. We shared stories over a beer. had taught his children to speak English (not
that they needed my help). had even asked Heinz a simple question once. When realised
he did not actually own the land his shop was built on, even though it had been there since
1985, simply asked why? His answer,

"Because you never know what Nature is going to throw at you and one day, all this may be
worthless. %hat answer still makes me shudder.
84


was no where near the %sunami when it happened. Hell wasn't even on the same
Continent or the same Ocean, but its impact still haunts me. Aceh had indeed been ripped
apart. t is thought over 90,000 of the population ceased on that fateful day. %he chances are
every one had met at mmigration, the Police, the KFC manager had all perished. t is
impossible to know. %here have been, quite rightly, many books written on the subject. later
oogled the death of Heinz and came across a book written by a British guy, Aaron. knew
him vaguely. He lived in Singapore but visited Heinz and his family on several occasions and
so we had met. He had later returned to Phi Phi to help Heinz move house. knew Heinz had
been building a house on Phuket and as the family got older and went to school, he had
decided the time had come to move there full time. Not only did Heinz intend to leave the
island within days, he was also seconds from safety. later heard he had run to the local fresh
food market to grab his girls as they heard the wave moving through the village with the
accompanying thunder of destruction. He was seen with both girls in his hands as they ran
back to the shop. Heinz had even managed to pull down the storm shutter to try and save his
shop. He would have been less than a few seconds from the stairs that led to the safety of his
apartment above. %he 3 of them did not make it.

did not get to see any images or You %ube videos until months afterwards. never had
enough time or a decent internet connection for more than a few emails each week. Listening
to accounts from friends who were there or knew of others, was obviously very harrowing. t
was not until 6 years later that Keith told me his story. t all came out over a 90 minute phone
call and was pretty hard to listen to, let alone for him to recall it. He did say to me he thought it
was actually good to speak about it again after so long. Occasionally he found he had a quiet
moment to himself and occasionally shed a tear for not apparent reason. am sure you are
not alone on that one my friend. Hell, am crying right now.

%his book is dedicated to Heinz, %ina and Anna Oswald and all those who lost their lives that
day.


85

hapter 20
Parrot Heads And Going Nuts


Someone was completely unaware of before joined the Polynesia was a singer/songwriter
called immy Buffet. have later learned that immy Buffet is hugely popular in the USA. He is
famous for his sunshine songs, about the Caribbean, about being on vacation. love the song
title, 'Why Don't We et Drunk (and Screw)?' %hat sums up the Poly quite nicely actually. His
sound reminds me of Van Morrison in some ways, but Van the Man is better! His fans are
called Parrot Heads and they take his 'work' very seriously as found out. You know when a
song can remind you of a time in your life? Well immy the Bleedin' Buffett was all over the 5
months on the Poly. Honestly, along with some guy called Bob Marley, don't think heard
any other music on the boat. mean, it gets a little bit tiring to have 'Redemption Song' piped
over the speakers 18 hours a day.

%owards the end of my time on Poly, was told that immy Buffett was going to give a quiet
concert to fellow inhabitants of St. Barths. Well, considering went to St. Barths every week,
thought was some sort of local. could mix with the movers and shakers of this idyllic island
like the best of them, besides knew the bar where he was playing. As was often the case
with the Poly, there were normally quite a number of guests who were big Parrot Heads and
knew sisters in particular. Having asked them for a beer with me that evening, took them
along to the bar. At this stage, it was clear that a live band would be playing that night but no
indication as to whom. We even had a chat with his wife ane, not that we knew it. As soon as
immy took the stage, his Parrot Head fans had multiple orgasms! have to say, not that am
a great fan of his songs, seeing him sing live was very different to listening to the CD. t was a
great night and loved my thank you present from one of the sisters.

made some wonderful friends aboard the Poly, not just some of the Crew but the
passengers as well. Almost all were American and my time in Aruba had shown me that
enjoyed their company. Americans are not all loud and shallow, burger-chomping heart
attacks, much like the typical Brit is not necessarily the extremely polite, top-hatted banking
punk who gets extremely drunk and becomes a football hooligan on the week-end.

%hey may have slightly different opinions to me and may find their views somewhat
simplistic or narrow minded but then, so are the French. ndeed, having lived in France and
spent a considerable amount of time in the US, see quite a few similarities, especially when
it comes to international affairs. Britain is a relatively compact and busy country, with far too
many people crammed into such a small space. We are also, historically a nation of explorers
and travellers and so if we want to find a nice beach, a decent ski slope or a better looking
person to goggle at over a beer, we tend to have to move abroad. France and the USA do
not. %o a great extent, they have it all there, within their territory. f you want to ski, where
better than the French Alps or the Rockies? f you want to shop or find some culture, NY and
Paris are hard to beat. Some of the best beaches can be in the South of France or Florida.
French and Californian wine are world class. For sure, this is a very simplistic view but to me,
it helps explain why the nations are more inward looking than the UK. %he good old BBC is
a national treasure, proud to be independent of politics and religion. You try looking at the
French and American media and it makes you cry. Almost all their news stories are national.
t is almost as if the outside world does not exist.

%here are occasions when on vacation, you meet someone, agree to stay in touch and go
through the routine 'whenever you are in my part of the world, we must meet up'. Up until
now, had never really thought about this much, guess mostly because was always
meeting people who lived nowhere near me, or didn't really want to go out of my way to
meet them again. However, that began to change on the Poly. Week after week, found was
meeting lots of really nice people. Some were older couples, others were families and of
course sometimes there was a young, unattached lady to look after. was a single guy, so
why not have some fun, as long as was not caught or it was not too blatant?

86

Yes to a certain degree was taking advantage of people's good nature when they suggested
come and visit, but was always upfront, telling them there may well be a time when came
a-knocking on their door. f this prospect didn't frighten them, then game on. As have done
over the years, kept in touch with a select few people and would like to think, became good
friends as a result.

No matter the situation find myself in, be it positive or negative, it tends to be the people
around you who can make or break an experience. Having said, find that almost all the
photos take are either of landscapes or underwater. Photographically speaking, prefer
nature to people guess. would like to think that does not mean am some sort of sociopath
who has issues with people. would like to think am a pretty popular guy, get on well with
those around me and at least try to be as respectful and as considerate as can to others.
Having said all that, sometimes some people just drive you Nuts!

Lisa, the ever loopy Activities Mate was such a person. %he bipolar episodes became more
frequent and sporadic. For the guests, her erratic nature could be wonderfully funny as you
never knew what was coming next. For those of us who had to work with her week in, week
out, it became almost intolerable. Almost the entire Crew struggled to work along side her, yet
the Activities Director in Miami seemed happy enough to keep her on board. %his just
confirmed to me that the Management, once again, had no real clue or feel as to what was
happening. knew didn't want too much more of this and started to wonder what else was
out there.

Having relocated from St. Vincent to St. Maarten, the Poly tended to work the same route
each week. We would pick up the new guests in St. Maarten and then sail to Nevis, St. Kitts,
St. Barths, Anguilla and back to St. Maarten. t was very nice itinerary for the guests and
Crew alike. Each island was very different.

St. Kitts and Nevis were British territories; quiet, picturesque and had a very Caribbean feel.
Nevis is very well regarded as being one of the more elegant and chi-chi islands in the British
West ndies. %he 'Four Seasons Resort' is right on the beach and has a wonderful golf
course, climbing up the side of the volcano, offering spectacular views. Playing a round of
Army golf here offers the best scenic tour on the island. Playing Army golf is very easy to me.
fuck up almost every tee shot and then tactically criss-cross all fairways scouring for my ball
in the scrub. ust for good measure, fuck up again and slice or draw my ball, high and wide
over the Dance Floor, aka the reen. t all makes for a great (if not a long) walk in the midday
sun. Right next to the Four Seasons and a million miles away in its chic-ness, is Sunshine's
Bar. World famous among those who have been to Nevis, it is a simple but classic reggae
beach bar. No pretension here. %urn up off the beach in your flip-flops and speedos and tuck
in to the fresh seafood or burgers and have a drink.

%he famous drink there is the Killer Bee. Mr. Sunshine likes to keep the active ingredients in
the same vault as Coca-Cola but it is basically a very sweet and tasty version of the classic
Rum Punch that is served to everyone, all of the time. %he Caribbean tourist board love to get
tourists drunk, the thought being, a drunk tourist is a generous tourist. Having seen this in
action on the huge Catamarans in Aruba, it worked well. Killer Bees are very tasty assure
you. Drink a couple and all is well with the world. Drink 3 or 4 and you are on your knees,
crying to mama and telling everyone one around you that you love them (and by the way, the
next round is on me). Having drunk several hundred buckets in Phi Phi, was well aware of
the dangers that lurk within the amber nectar of this glass.

St. Barths was very French and chic. You almost forgot you were actually in the Caribbean.
%here were no West ndians for a start and everyone spoke French and charged an
extortionate amount for an Orangina. As well as immy 'Bleedin' Buffett, there are a host of
Stars who arrive for a week, apparently as a get-away from the crowds, namely for New
Years. However, this is also when the world's media is present, trying to spot those Stars who
are trying to avoid the world's media. St. Barths has some cracking beaches as well. ts
marina is one of most famous in the world for its Super and Mega Yachts which park up for
weeks if not months at a time. Walking along the quayside is a surreal moment. love to look
at these yachts, their shear size and exuberance is fascinating. Ones that cost less than
50m ($5m) do not even get a look in. During my time there, saw ohn %ravolta and %ara
8

Reid, with Naomi Campbell enjoying the Revlon Corps freebies. New Year 004/05 was quite
an elegant affair as the Poly was conveniently positioned with Octopus (Microsoft Paul Allen's
largest yacht and sister to %atoosh which had visited Phi Phi) to our Starboard and to our
Port, sat the Rising Sun, the worlds largest private yacht at the time, owned by Larry Ellinson,
CEO of Oracle. Of course, all those yachts paled into insignificant every time we docked
alongside the Queen Mary, the worlds largest cruise liner.

St. Maarten/St.Martin was our home port. %he dock was on the Dutch side of the island, very
commercial with lots of duty free shopping but in a relatively pleasant way. t provided a lot of
entertainment for us each Saturday night as the Crew would head off to the clubs with a
selection of the passengers for company. have vivid memories of Cesar and being
entertained for the night by a lovely mother and daughter twin set. For some reason, they
loved to visit strip joints, so we ended up in one. %he strippers loved the girls more than Cesar
and , so am not quite sure what happened there.

St. Maarten also plays host to one of the best beach/airports in the world. For those of you
who have not heard of the place, go and oogle or You%ube 'Maho Beach' and see for
yourself. t is not the white sand or the ice-creams it is famous for, but the Princess uliana
nternational Airport that is backs on to. %he planes (and we are talking 4s and A340s here)
fly in over the sea, cross the tiny beach and land. When you stand on the beach, you are
probably about 15m (50ft) under the undercarriage. Better still, when the planes take off, you
can do what they call 'Riding the Fence', basically hanging to the perimeter chain link fence
as the planes take off. stood there for a KLM 4 take off. ts engines were about 150m
(500ft) in front of me. could feel the heat of the jet blast and then the stones and sand it
kicked up. Being hit by small stones at such speed was as close to being shot as have ever
been. t was bloody funny though.

Across the river, and you were in St. Martin, the French side of the island with its boutique
hotels and resorts, nudist beaches and fine food. Very different to St. Maarten in many ways
and far less commercialised.

By visiting Nevis & St. Kitts, dived with a local shop a couple of times a week. Auston owned
Pro Divers www.prodiversstkitts.com and ran a pretty small but tight outfit. As soon as knew
had divers on the Poly, would call him and arranged pick up times for the Monday and
%uesday diving. We got on well and he taught me a thing or about hunting for lobsters. As
the weeks progressed, he asked if would consider jumping off the ship and moving to St.
Kitts to help him. knew Windjammer was never going to change and so had to and as soon
aswe had agreed terms, jumped overboard. %he urgency of my escape was all the more
important when heard what was coming next.


88

hapter 21
What Sort Of ruise Is This?


When my 5 month contract was done and dusted, knew had finished with the Poly. Most of
the Crew knew wouldn't be returning from my 1 month paid vacation either. As soon as
jumped off on St. Maarten, immediately took the short flight over to St. Kitts for a weeks
break. had already arranged to go and work alongside Auston to see how things were in the
shop and also wanted to get a feel for the island as a potential place to stay and even had
thoughts of buying a pad there. Having visited the island each week, had met an American
girl who lived there and had arranged to stay with her. Vanessa was a veterinary student on
the island, one of several hundred Americans who study in St. Kitts as being a British island,
they were able to slice and dice more animals than was allowed the US. %hus, they could
accelerate their learning. St. Kitts is a beautiful island. always thought it had the shape of a
Sperm whale, others say it looks like a chicken drum stick. At the heart of the sugar cane and
slave trade of the mid-1
th
century, St. Kitts has a long and dark past. Being long and narrow,
St. Kitts has its own micro climate, being relatively dry to the South and more wet and humid
to the North.

Having arrived on the island, soon joined Auston and his deck hand, ermaine on the boat.
did not want to be paid for being there, rather wanted to see what he and ermaine got up to
and to see what was expected of me. Auston didn't really enjoy teaching, preferring instead to
guide the certified divers and to catch lobsters. enjoyed teaching and so that was the thrust
of our relationship. would teach, he would guide and when was not teaching, would help
him guide or more likely, mess about catching lobsters.

On %uesday morning, we set off to Nevis to collect the divers on board the Polynesia. had
left the boat just 48 hours before, just in time in my opinion. We all knew this week was a
'Special' cruise. My first cruise with the Poly had been a Singles week. Looking at the state of
some of them, it was easy to see why a few of the guests were single, spending the entire
week, propped up at the bar either on board or on land. Put it this way, they were getting
redder and redder as the week progressed and it wasn't from the sunshine assure you.
Contrary to popular belief, the Singles cruise is not a big pick up joint by any means, though
romance did flourish from time to time. %hough was not on board at the time, the Poly had
also played host to a couple of 'Naked' cruises and also 'Swinging' weeks. Now before you
get all excited, you need to ask yourself, do you really want to see EVERYONE naked? From
all accounts, you definitely do not. From one who has also been propositioned by a Swinging
couple, believe me it is quite tricky to decline their invitation without causing offence! %he
cruise was now heading off to meet was a little more 'special' than all of these.

Having worked onboard, knew permission had been sought and granted for the Poly to
anchor off Nevis and the passengers would be allowed to disembark as usual. also knew
that the guests would be expected to behave on land. %his is probably conjuring up all sorts of
thoughts in your minds right now isn't it? By the time Auston and arrived, had expected the
Poly to have cleared customs by now and the guests would be available to go diving.
However, as we approached, could see the Captain had been ashore (rather than the
Bursar) and was about to re-board the Poly. Auston set his boat a safe distance and we
watched as Capt. Casey waved to us and climbed aboard to speak to the guests. %here was
bad news. %he Poly had been denied entry and would be required to head out to sea once
more. %he reason, the guests were no longer deemed acceptable.

Nevis is a very conservative and religious island. Nudity is not acceptable on their beaches
(which always find a shame) and so is being of a 'homosexual nature'. %his cruise was both
Naked and ay! Fantastic! Poor Capt. Casey had to conduct 'Captains Story %ime' in front of
100 or so flaccid penises. Luckily, know for a fact that Casey was both blind and deaf
(having gone for a 'Mickey Mouse' medical with him on %rinidad). ermaine then pointed out
something even more disturbing. naked gay men on the massage table at the helm. Funnily
enough, could not see any sign of the Crew on the upper deck.
89


had agreed with Auston would take a month off before returning to St. Kitts to work with
him. wanted to get some rest and see some friends, starting in Southern Florida. Miami is a
funny place. Famous for Crockett and %ubbs, drugs, Cubans and sunshine, it is the poseurs
paradise. Unlike Venice or the other LA beaches, at least the ocean was warm enough to
swim. %he fact that there were few Hammerheads, %igers and other wonderful sharks just
outside the breakers didn't seem to bother these guys. %hey were beautiful people for sure,
but resilient as well. spent a week in Miami, staying with a friend who gave massages and
spoke to Angels for a living. %hat was an interesting time. %he Pope also died during my time
there in April 005 and waiting for the famous 'White smoke' made for some exceptionally dull
%V, so took advantage of Alina's hot tub instead. also renewed my nstructor First Aid
course in Key Largo. Driving the length of the Keys took longer than had imagined.

After Miami, flew up to Boston and onto Nantucket, a beautiful island off the Massachusetts
coast. loved it there and stayed for 3 weeks with a wonderful friend, anine. Nantucket is a
beautiful little sand bar of an island. n the diving world, it is probably most famous for being
relatively close to a huge and very famous wreck. On uly 5th 1956, a dark and foggy night,
two great ocean liners, T/N Andrea Doria and MV Stockholm collided. %he talian cruise ship
Andrea Doria sank. Although 1660 lives were saved, 46 were lost. However, was not there
to dive the chilly Atlantic. At anine's invitation, had simply gone for a few weeks rest, long
walks and time to dry out.

was a Realtor on the island, lived in lovely little cottage and was amazingly accommodating.
f wanted her car, simply dropped her off at work and picked her up again afterwards.
walked for miles along the deserted white sandy beaches whilst she and others tried to earn a
living. Being Spring time, was ahead of the tourists who flood the island over the Summer.
was more than happy to have been there at such a quiet time. Nantucket grew wealthy from a
moment in 1659 when a bloke called %homas Mayhew sold his interests to another geezer,
%ristram Coffin, "for the sum of 30 ($45) ...and also two beaver hats, one for myself, and one
for my wife". By the 1
th
Century, Nantucket grew rich from the Whaling industry, taking
almost anything they could find until the decline of the species, some 00 years later. %he
vast wealth of the island is evident today with some wonderful architecture and houses,
especially those of the Captains of the Whalers.

spent most of the Spring months on house inspections, visiting houses that were up for sale
or to be rented over the summer months. Nantucket has the highest average price in
Massachusetts and was more than happy to go and sniff around other people's pads. Some
were new, others were old and hadn't been touched in years but the one thing they did have
in common was they were all very expensive. My favourite one was brand new, with lots of
discrete electronics to open doors and turn on the lights. %o be honest, would have been
happy just to have moved into the Nanny's quarters above the garage. %he princely price of
.6m ($4m) was a little over my budget. %he most expensive one we saw was probably my
least favourite. %he family had not updated it since the 80's and it was dark and small.
Apparently it was all about 'the view' but had seen better ones elsewhere and there wasn't
even access to a private beach to go and find the washed up seals that had been chomped
on by the reat Whites off the coast. %he price? Yours for a measly 1.6m ($19m). What a
bargain. 'll have please, with fries and a coke. What amazed me even more about the
potential owners of these joints, is that they were mainly only to be used as
nd
and even 3
rd

homes for a few weeks each summer.

Being such a large sand bank, Nantucket is ever so slowing shifting. What the sea erodes
from one end of the island is then deposited at the other end. Of course, this doesn't help
those at the top of this chain, as their beaches and gardens are reclaimed by the sea. Rather
than losing the entire house, it sometimes becomes necessary to lift the entire building and
move further inland. Not a cheap option but better than losing everything.

and decided to rent a 4WD eep and drive off road. Almost all the beaches were
accessible to cars and it wasn't exactly sun bathing weather at that time. have off roaded a
fair amount but not so much on sand and it is fairly daunting. was never entirely convinced
knew what was doing or if we were going to make it, especially the drive to the Sankaty
lighthouse. t took hours to cover the 10 miles or so but we managed it without incident. After
90

lunch, we thought we would drive to a different part of the island and drive along the beach,
creating a link between car parks a short distance apart. We watched as others took this
route and managed without incident, so taking to the wheel, thought would give it a go. We
got about the way! With an incoming tide, a narrow part of the track had become
waterlogged, so tried to steam my way up an embankment to higher ground but the poor
eep bottomed out and we were well and truly stuck. My door was facing the ocean and we
could see the water would be lapping at my door within minutes. Bugger, tit wank a-doodle-
do. Using our bare hands, we dug out the tyres but it didn't move. found some wood and we
tried shoving these under the rubber for some extra grip but no joy. Even the threat of a
chucking a dead seal pup under the tyres did nothing to alleviate the situation. We knew it
was hopeless. had well and truly fucked up but time was pressing as the last thing we
wanted was for the tide to wash the jeep away which was a real threat.

%hankfully, had her mobile phone and called the local garage. %hey must love muppets like
me. 100 ($160) for 5 minutes work. A good hard tug by the recovery vehicle and the eep
lived another day. However, once back on the road, it was like driving a badger on a
rollercoaster. What the hell had the recovery vehicle pulled off the chassis? Fortunately there
was no real drama. %he whole undercarriage was full of sand, so a visit to the jet wash
cleaned this all off and the eep was returned without a scratch. don't think have
intentionally driven off road since.

All too soon, left Nantucket and Boston (having witnessed the Red Sox and Yankees in
battle) and headed to NY City for a couple of days. During this time, received a very warm
email inviting me to join a boat in Chuuk Lagoon, Micronesia. You may not have heard of the
place, but to me, it was a calling from Mecca. %he problem was, my gear was in St. Kitts and
had given my word to Auston that would return to work with him for the foreseeable future.
returned the email, giving huge thanks for the opportunity but can we put this position 'on
hold' for the foreseeable future? Was kissing my dream goodbye? had regretted other
things in my life to date and sincerely did not want to be adding to this list.


91

hapter 22
ome On Son. Take Me If You're Hard Enough!


All too soon, was back at work having moved to St. Kitts. Vanessa had a spare room in her
apartment and it was very convenient to us both that moved in, alongside Captain ack, her
one-eyed, stray island dog. ack was fantastic. Vanessa was pretty good too. We had a great
apartment with what could only describe as a million dollar view, only our rent was
considerably less. St. Kitts has a population of around 35,000, mainly of African descent with
around 8,000 or so Whiteys on the island. For the most part, they seem to get on fairly well
but have to say, was witness to some blatant racism in my time. t was quite an eye opener
for a white boy to be the target of verbal abuse and generally being passed over in favour of a
local guy. Maybe for that reason, the vast majority of the white population lives over the hill
from the capital, Basseterre and takes refuge in Frigate Bay. Dominated by the Marriot hotel
and its golf course, Frigate Bay nestles between the Atlantic Ocean to the East and the
Caribbean Sea to the West. From my balcony, could see both, along with Nevis in the
background. t really was a sensational view.

My original plan for St. Kitts had been to invest in some property. had saved a couple of quid
at that time and thought St. Kitts could be a nice place to have a bolt hole, both for myself and
perhaps for the family should they want to visit the Caribbean in the years to come. However,
trying to find someone to sell me a property was a complete mess. had searched online from
Nantucket and written to a number of agents on the island to see what was on offer. was
also keen to understand why one particular property, a simple 1 bed apartment was listed
with 3 agents with prices ranging from 60,000 ($100,000) to 80,000 ($130,000). Long story
short, but found the agents completely inadequate and had no information at all. ndeed one
of them admitted they had no updated their website for the past years. Add to this the
technical difficulties for an outsider to buy and then sell on the island and walked away from
the idea.

%he diving on St. Kitts was pretty straight forward, much like the majority of the Caribbean as
far as could see. Mostly shallow, oval shaped reefs, my biggest head ache was trying to
navigate them, especially with some guests in tow. Without too many natural navigation aids
asides from the small walls from the reef to the sand, basically swam in figure of 8's so that
was never too far away from the boat. %here is nothing more embarrassing than having a
guest who needs to go back to the boat but where is the piggin' boat? With Auston and both
in the water, ermaine would sit on top, getting some sleep under the West ndian sun until
the divers emerged from the depths.

Asides from Dominica and the Cayman islands, didn't really see too many dramatic walls in
the Caribbean and the coral is very similar throughout. t is 'pretty' but nothing exceptional,
not as good as SE Asia, the Red Sea or even the reat Barrier Reef for that matter. Of
course, it is all in the eye of the beholder and much like many things in life, ask 6 people and
you will invariably get 6 answers. Some of the fish life in St. Kitts and Nevis was pretty funky
though. %here were tonnes of octopus to mess about with. love Octos. %hey are such fun to
play and interact with. Most were pretty small but that didn't matter. With gentle persuasion so
as not to stress them out, we could coax them from holes and actually hold them. On one
occasion, even had one walk all the way from my hand to my shoulder where it sat for
several minutes. We were snorkelling with a bunch from a cruise ship at the time and so it
was great for the guest to be able to come and have a look at this little creature in such close
proximity.

had rarely seen Nurse Sharks before diving St. Kitts. n some ways, they were similar in
temperament to the Leopard Sharks had been with in Phi Phi. We would normally find them
lying on the sand, minding their own business. Considerably bigger than the Leopard at 4.3m
(14ft) and weighing up to 150kg (300lbs). Although not aggressive to humans, when a heavily
pregnant female rushes you when you are all alone, it can make your heart miss a beat let me
assure you!
9


Although Auston had lived on the island for years or so and knew the reef system like the
back of his hand, occasionally he would surprise himself and find something a little different.
On one such dive, he came across a thermal vent of hot water from a volcanic fissure. t was
on a reef system he had dived over and over again but had simply never come across this
patch before. On the side of an underwater rocky hill, there was an indent, slightly bigger than
a bathtub. At the bottom of this indent was this vent, expelling superheated water. Baring in
mind that the Caribbean isn't exactly cold at the best of times, this was really warm. My
computer was measuring around 34C (94F). As strange as this sounds, could not smell any
sulphur in the water either. Even with a mask on, it is occasionally possible to smell things
underwater. Best of all, could flush my wetsuit with this hot water and it was almost like
having a acuzzi during the dive. Of course, the heat would soon dissipate so occasionally, a
repeat visit was called for.

My greatest skill learned on St. Kitts was catching lobsters. From the moment met Auston,
liked him and we got on very well. Born in Scotland, raised in the %urks and Caicos, Auston
had lived almost his entire life in the Caribbean. Now married with young daughters, before
setting up his own dive shop, he made his money from lobsters, catching and selling them to
the local restaurants.

%he Caribbean Spiny Lobster is a cunning little bugger. %he Americans refer to them as
'Bugs' and it is easy to see why. Completely unlike the North Atlantic variety with its huge
claws, the Spiny has whopping antennas but no claws and its shell is an almost impenetrable
suit of amour. Not only does it require a hammer or rock to break it, it is also covered in
ferociously sharp spikes which cause some serious pain to arseholes like me, trying to grab
hold of them. Although always wore gloves for the operation, never found the ideal pair.
Wetsuit gloves were too expensive and could be sliced open with ease. %he new, softer type
gardening gloves offered a great grip but offered no protection to the spines. even had
welders gloves at one stage. %hey offered the protection but were too unwieldy underwater.
%he water would flush in and out and was constantly having to hold onto them. No matter
how attacked the lobsters, they would inevitably injure me and it was just a matter of fact
that my thumbs would be ripped apart on a daily basis. %he worse pain ever suffered was
when their spike would hit my knuckles, causing them to bruise and seize up. However, the
rewards far outweighed the pain, both financially and in satisfaction.

Unlike many parts of the world and especially in the USA, St. Kitts was not organised enough
to have passed a law on catch limits, so to some extent, it was self regulated. Auston knew
better than to catch the really small ones or the females with eggs attached to their underside.
He caught and released by eye alone and so inevitably, had a great eye at being able to
determine a viable target before going in for the take.

Speaking to lobster hunters around the world, there is a huge variation in the way it is done. A
lot of places are heavily regulated. Each lobsterman can only take 6 Bugs a day for example,
each of which need to be of a certain size. Anything too small or carrying eggs must be
released. A lot of lobstermen can only hunt while breath holding, no Scuba allowed. Some
people set lobster pots and traps, others catch by hand. Some use professionally
manufactured equipment, others make their own. t is fun to see how everyone has their own
technique.

For the most part, Auston was the only guy on St. Kitts to hunt for lobster in a semi-serious
way. t was his drug and it would be fair to say, he was addicted to it. He didn't like to teach
Scuba, preferring to dive with the certified divers, but his idea of guiding would basically to go
hunting for lobster with a few people watching him a few feet away. f he returned at the end
of the day with the same amount of divers and a bag of lobsters, he was a happy guy and
who was to argue? Lobsters had paid for his shop, boats and a very nice Caribbean
house. was amazed that no one else was catching them like he was. %here was money to
be made here.

Lobsters tend to be seasonal creatures and although we found them throughout the year,
some months would be better than others. found September to anuary was the best time.
had no idea what was doing when first met Auston, so simply learned all could from the
93

Master himself. One of the draws to coming to St. Kitts was to be able to do this and was
keen to learn. Now, must point out at this time that do not eat any fish or seafood in any
shape or form and so this is somewhat contradictory to my 'beliefs' so to speak. My biggest
bug bare about fish and seafood is their un-sustainability. choose not to eat fish, just like
choose not to smoke. am happy to eat meat though, as long as it is sustainable which most
farmed meat is. Far too many consumers are driven by taste and money, not really caring
what they are buying. %o some extent am guilty of this as well. Having worked on a battery
hen farm from the age of 1-1, have seen at first hand the dire conditions that these
chickens live their sad, but productive lives. t has by no means stopped me from eating eggs
however. love eggs, though only eat free range ones. n fact it isn't that easy to openly buy
battery eggs nowadays.

%hese lobsters are not farmed and not regulated but would be prepared to bet they are fully
sustainable. With only a couple of divers trying to scour the St. Kitts reefs and occasionally
the ones off Nevis as well, we hardly caught anything compared to what was down there.
Spiny Lobsters were around all the Caribbean islands. f there was any sense their numbers
were in decline, local overnments could act. %his was very easy to see on St. Barths. %hey
were well organised in terms of their natural resources, namely the sea. %he island had
designated areas for no-catch Scuba diving, for free diving spear fishing and for other marine
activities like fishing with a rod and line. Visiting both the Scuba and free diving sites, can tell
you the lobsters and groupers knew exactly where to hang out. %he spear fishing sites had a
few lobster, the Scuba diving sites were full.

Auston showed me all his tricks about catching them, which have to say, took about 5
minutes. Knowing how to catch them was easy, doing it was a whole new story. Being able to
dive was the simple part. Now, was a hunter-gatherer. had to think like a lobster and dive in
much more stealthy way. needed to really control my breathing, allowing me to cover greater
distances than would normally and be able to scan suitable terrain within seconds. Along
with gloves, we took a couple pieces of gear with us. t needed to be lightweight and minimum
fuss. would stuff a bag in my jacket and carry a small pole. Our pole of choice had come
from a hotel in Florida apparently. %o prevent dirty finger prints on the curtains, select hotels
(and my mother) have these rods to pull on to close them. We used these. %hey were slim
and bendy, about 1m (3ft) long and negatively buoyant in the water which was important. We
didn't want stuff floating away on us.

Attached to the top of the rod, we created a lasso of electrical wire, strong enough to last but
not so thick it would not tighten. %he idea behind it all was quite simple. Most of the lobsters
would be backed up in a hole. Using the pointy end of the stick, would tickle the tail of the
lobster and encourage it to take a step forward. %his would allow me access to then turn the
stick around and try and manoeuvre the lasso wire around its tail and with a sharp tug, pull
the bug off its feet. %hat was the easy part. %he harder part was trying to get it off the lasso
and into the bag without cutting myself to pieces. Speed was important with this. My first
attempts were a complete abortion as the lasso opened, the pesky blighters would almost
inevitably try to swim off, or as tried to get a better grip on their shell, they would move
around so much, cutting my hands to shreds and it would get away. After a few losses, it
became clear that rather than rush things to begin with, would take my time in order to get it
right. would lay my bag to one side, get my gloves on and my stick in the right place and
then as soon as have lassoed the bugger, could slip my hand down the stick and take a
very firm grip of it shell behind the head or better still, try to grip the entire tail and thus,
prevent it from being able to swim. would then undo the lasso and with a swift movement,
chuck it to the bottom of my bag.

f we had students or divers on the boat, we usually dived a couple of times in the morning
and maybe again in the afternoon. f we were quiet, as we were during the Hurricane season,
then we became full time hunters and it was not uncommon to be out on the water from 06:00
to 15:00 making about 8 bounce dives in a day in search of lobsters. t was pretty intense and
very tiring but immensely satisfying. On one occasion, followed Auston to his secret hole and
watched as he systematically hunted each lobster from the rock. %here were about 30 of
them. %he amusing thing to see was, rather than go for the largest first, he would always take
the first one from a hole. Once this was gone, his mates would inquisitively step forward to
94

see where their friend had gone and thus, Auston would grab this one as well. With time and
patience, Auston had the whole lot (bar any small or egg laden ones).

We were diving all sorts of depths for these things, anything from 5m (16ft) to over 35m
(115ft) and so Scuba was necessary for us. As time went on, became better at hunting, but
still came back to the boat with a fraction of what Auston had caught. We joked about the time
when one day, would beat him at his own game. He joked but was quietly determined!
remember the time came back from the days diving with more lobster than him but we both
knew was considerably down on the weight of the catch. Each viable lobster was generally
weighing 1-3kg (-6.5lbs) but always seemed to find more small ones than their bigger
cousins Auston was finding. nevitably, did beat him and we had a good laugh about it. t
took about 5 months mind you, the man was obsessed. have to say was completely
addicted as well. t was so gratifying to find one in the first place and to then whip it into my
bag. Some days were more productive than others. was teaching a fair amount and part of
the course is about the Aquatic Realm and the Environment and so couldn't really go off
gathering lobsters if my students were about to drown having flooded their masks etc. t would
have involved a lot of paperwork with the Police.

"Sorry Officer, knew he was drowning but you should have seen the size of this bug down
there. Somehow, doubt that argument would have held up in Court.

On one momentous occasion struck gold, well almost my weight in gold. OK, that was a little
O%% but you get my drift. Auston knew the reefs incredibly well. Like so many divers and boat
owners know, they don't bother with PS and modern techno-trickery, preferring their eyes
instead. %riangular navigation is a wonderful skill to have, being able to pinpoint your position
with the aid of 3 natural landmarks, which more often than not are miles away. was
completely shite at this but got better with practice. %he key is to relax and don't worry about
the preciseness until you are almost on the spot. %hen you can narrow your focus and we
were able to find the exact rock time and time again. f the weather closed in, we simply
headed for the reef and took it from there underwater.

On one occasion, the water was crystal clear and just by chance, we caught a glimpse of a
reef way below us in the deep. We didn't have any divers with us and had been hunting all
day. umping over, we found a series of pinnacles, starting around 30m (100ft) and dropping
to about double that. Auston and had agreed to descend together and then head off in
opposite directions. He went South, went North. Our first pinnacle had nothing on it, so we
headed off. My second pinnacle had a couple, so took these and headed for the next lumpy
bit. As soon as saw the pinnacle, could see a monster. %he biggest lobster had ever seen
was sitting right in front of me. Bold as brass, he knew he was too big for me. He was wrong
my friends, he was very wrong indeed. OK, knew would not be able to handle this thing into
my bag so needed to decide, do take it now and head upwards, or do continue on and
hope have time and air to grab it on the way home. Would the bugger still be there when
came back? decided to continue searching. t was no good. As soon as had another couple
of bugs in the bag, just had to return. He was still there, laughing at me. f he could speak, l
could here him say

"Come on Son. %ake me if you're hard enough!

%here was no way was going to let this one go. He was too big for my bag for sure. He was
too big for his hole as well, so that put me at an advantage. gathered my thoughts, pulled up
my gloves, ensured my bag of bugs was secure and on the reef. Boys, was going in. t was
almost as if this monster was looking at me going, 'Who the hell are you? Do you not know
who am?' lined up my stick, gave him a little tickle and tried to lasso him. Fuck, this mother
fucker was too big for my wire loop. tried it again. Yep, he ass was way too big and there
was not a lot could do. had been underwater at depth in excess of 15 minutes and was
running out of time unless could be arsed with the decompression stops up the boat. t
would be worth it that was for sure, but really couldn't be bothered. needed to make this
work, or bug out (so to speak). Again and again, would tickle the blighter and he stood his
ground. n the end thought, well sod this for a game of marbles, off in. dumped my stick,
tucked in hoses from my regulators and went for a swim. detoured around his back and
approached from behind his tail. He was completely exposed to me, his antennae wafting
95

about, trying to sense where was. was down current and therefore down wind so he
couldn't smell me. As long as he did not feel my movements, could surprise him. Hell,
needed to surprise him. f he sensed me coming from behind, he was be off for sure, probably
to a depth wasn't prepared to die for. have had fun with many sharks and rays before. f
you sneak up to them from the side or from behind, they would take off. f came at them
straight on, they could see and smell you and as long as you hold your nerve, you can get
right up and tickle their nose. have done this with Nurse, Leopard, White %ip sharks along
with huge Sting and Marble rays. Somehow, didn't think this tactic would work for me now.

held my breath and gave a little flutter with my fins and glided right up to this monster and in
one swift and definitive swoop, grabbed his carapace and held on. He instantly stuck his
legs into the nooks and crannies of the surrounding rock and prepared for a fight. f you have
never held a big lobster or crab, you will be amazed by their strength. %his thing did not want
to move from his rock and knew it. pulled. Nothing. placed my legs and fins either side
and pulled. Still nothing. Mmm. Flicking my fins at his legs got them to move a little and was
able to free one side of him from the rock. reat. With one last tug, he came up. Bloody hell,
had done it. He was mine, oh yes, he was mine. Ouch, what was that? Owww goddammit.

%he little sod did what all bugs do. He caused me pain! By curling up his tail, the sharp spine
on the edges were sticking into my hands. n addition, he was folding his long legs inwards
and stabbing at my hands. had a handed grip and was getting hurt. %he boat was still
way above me and knew was in for a fight. Somehow, managed to manipulate him and
gather my lobster bag and stick and headed for home. probably ascended faster than was
by the book, but was in serious pain. actually had blood seeping through my gloves and the
bastardo was scratching at my forearms. %he water was always warm, so dived in a pair of
board shorts and UV %-shirt most of the time. had very little protection.

As surfaced by the boat, shouted for ermaine. He woke from his usual slumber and came
to investigate. advised him to stand back and launched the monster on the deck.
Fortunately. as flicked, it released and my arm remained attached. t scared the crap out of
ermaine. He was expecting something weighing about 3kg (lbs) or so. We knew this was a
lot bigger, but just how big? Auston returned with the usual full bag but nothing compared to
mine. His largest to date had been kg (16lb) but this was unqualified! Despite the size and
value of the beast, knew it would have to go back. Something as large as this was too old to
eat anyway and besides, it deserved to survive and fight another day. %his was my largest
lobster, weighing in at 6kg (13lb) and measured almost 1.5m (5ft). t could easily be over 0
years old.

Occasionally, when the weather was perfect and we had no guests, we ventured to the South
of Nevis in search of lobsters. Funnily enough, some of the best weather was during the
hurricane season. f there was a storm to our North, it tended to suck up the air and wind from
the South and thus the Caribbean in our neck of the woods would turn to a mill pond, ideal for
covering the extra miles to Nevis with a nice view of Montserrat. With a prevailing breeze, we
could smell the sulphur being emitted from its volcano. %he reef system was pretty dull here,
certainly not the place a paying guest would necessarily want to see, but it did play home to a
lot of bugs, maybe thousands of them.

Due to the volcanic fracturing of the islands, we found the most profitable places to hunt
would be little dormant fissures, occasionally running for hundreds of meters. Simply following
these lines could be very beneficial to us. %ime and again, we would find a whole bunch of
lobsters staring out at us, 3 or 4 deep into the crack. Fighting the temptation to try and take
the largest ones first, we would systematically take the lead scout and when his mate stepped
forward to see what had happened, we would take the next one and so on. n this calm but
efficient way, it was not unheard of the of us to be bagging 50 or so bugs in a single dive.
Sometimes we would spend over 90 minutes on a single hunting dive, other times it would be
5 minutes or so. Occasionally, would return having not found anything but it would soon
become evident that Auston had found a rich seam and once in while, the roles would be
reversed. Because the journey out to Nevis could take 90 minutes, we would tend to be on
the boat by 06:00 and return at about 16:00 having made 8 bounce dives. Fortunately the
majority would be in pretty shallow water, but we still needed to be careful, as complacency
could kill us.
96

hapter 23
Is It A Ioud? Is It A Boat? What The HeII Is That?


St. Kitts was also the venue for my most spectacular and surprising time of my life to date.
Once more, we were hunting, though we had guests on board. Auston had agreed to take
them on the first dive and would look after them for the second. As per usual, we jumped
overboard and headed off in different directions.

By now, was a pretty accomplished hunter. Rather like Auston, was somewhat addicted to
the task. found myself dreaming about lobsters. had heard they were tasty to eat, but was
never tempted to do so. %he idea of melted butter and garlic over a freshly grilled lobster did
absolutely nothing for me. %he pay check did though. We were paid 3.30 ($5) a lb for the
lobster, head and tail. Doesn't sound much, especially when it was served on a plate for $50
that night, but that didn't matter. could be earning well over 300 ($450) a week through
lobsters alone. Add this to my wage and commission and could earn anything up to 1000
($1500) for a weeks diving. Not bad for a white boy, especially as it was a glorified hobby to
us both.

On this occasion, started off down the reef and began my search. %here was a small drop off
from the reef to the sea bed at about 18m (60ft). knew the reef was fairly oval in shape and
decided to cruise this wall, keeping it on my right. found, hooked and bagged one. By now
could do this within seconds and without cutting my fingers nearly as much. found another
and then a third. As lined up to take my fourth within 10 minutes, was aware it was getting
dark. Within seconds, my thought had shifted from it being a dark rain cloud, to perhaps it was
a boat overhead, but hang on, there was no noise so it must be a cloud. t then dawned on
me that this cloud was getting a whole lot darker and whole lot closer. n fact it was coming
right at me. As it passed no more than 5m (15ft) above me, it suddenly dawned on me had a
Humpback Whale on my head. Now, that is not something was used to. As it cruised over
me, couldn't help but duck down. t was bloody close that was for sure and was very
concerned was about to be twatted by its fluke as it headed to the sand. One whack of its tail
could easily take me out that was for sure. With its passing, its tail gave a swift whack and
that was me tossed off the reef. Completely out of control, the accompanying vortex of water
moved me at least 10m (30ft) from where had been.

%here was little else could do apart from chase after it. have seen some big Whale Sharks
in my time, but this was way bigger. t was easily 1m (40ft) long and so a mature adult. As
chased, saw what thought was a large white thing standing up in the sand. For a split
second, thought, 'Aye Aye, have a dolphin to contend with now'. No such luck. t was the
huge pectoral fin. %his thing was now doing what can only describe as a hand-break turn as
it turned 180 and came right back towards me. 'Bugger this for a packet of biscuits' thought
and promptly did an about turn and swam as quickly as could towards the reef. Before
knew it, this gentle giant was right beside me, so close could almost touch it. We were
literally eyeball to eyeball, only his eye was bigger. wonder which one of us was more
surprised? Certainly think was the more excited. No sooner had it passed, it headed up
over the reef, precisely from where it had initially appeared from. Following it as fast as
could, saw my lobster bag and one of the buggers was escaping. Never mind. swam as
fast as my fins could take me but was always fighting a losing battle. Funnily enough, did
see another lobster as shot over it. Within seconds, the Whale had gone and something told
me it would not be back. returned to my goodie bag, stuffed the escaping bug back inside
and went and found the new lobster had just seen.

As finished my dive, came across Auston and the guests. Forever the professional, had
a plastic slate and pencil on me and started writing. knew Auston had encountered one
Whale in his years on St. Kitts so he would believe me. scribbled out 'Look out, there's a
Humpback about'. Auston's eyes lit up. Funnily enough, the guests did not give a monkeys
about my message and in fact, even on the boat, they were completely uninterested in my
encounter. am not sure why this was. Perhaps they were Scientologists or just dull fuckers.
9

Either way, Auston, ermaine and were very excited by it. Of course, as soon as got home
and saw my house mate, Vanessa had to tell her. Being a vet student, she was really
excited too. What were the chances of seeing another one? %here aren't many of them
anyway and then you have the apanese whaling fleet to contend with.

During the first dive on the following Saturday, was with Vanessa and a bunch of other vet
students, messing about as we did, looking for all sorts of things. When we emerged and
climbed back on the boat, ermaine asked us all if we had seen the Whale. No was the reply.
He had. n fact, he was insistent he had been watching both a mother and calf for the entire
time we were all in the water. For a moment, knowing ermaine, was not sure could believe
him but then, about 100m (330ft) off the Bow, there was definitely a mother and calf on the
surface. Quite unbelievable. Of course, we quickly realised there was not a single camera on
the boat as is so often the case when you come across something truly memorable. For the
next 90 minutes, Auston gently nudged e boat closer and closer and we slipped over the side
to snorkel with these magnificent creatures. %he conditions and water were perfect. Perfect
for photography that was for sure! %ime and time again, they dived, turned and gently floated
back towards the surface. %hey seemed to be perfectly at ease and certainly did not appear
stressed by us. cannot say for sure if this was the same creature had seen a few days
earlier, we didn't exactly exchange email addresses, but it was a similar size though my first
encounter had been considerably quicker than this second one.

St. Kitts has a rich history, playing a key role in the sugar production and thus was intricately
linked with the barbaric Slave trade, a story common to all the British Caribbean islands. %he
island was initially colonised by the British in 163. %hey were soon followed by a small group
from France who had been forced to seek refuge on the island having lost a fight with a
Spanish galleon. %ogether, these small groups went about wiping out the indigenous Carib
ndians before moving onto the neighbouring islands of Nevis, Antigua, Barbuda, %ortuga,
and Montserrat, while the French claimed Martinique and uadeloupe.

Arriving in 166, the first slaves worked to establish the sugar plantations on St. Kitts and
other island. %housands of Africans were forced to work and die for a select few plantation
owners who were hell bent at becoming rich from the sugar industry. By the middle of the 1
th

century as St. Kitts & Nevis began to prosper, the British and French began to fight one
another. %he French took St. Kitts from the British in 1664, but lost it again in 1689. France
captured the island again in 106 and lost it once more soon after. %hey finally returned in
18 and lay siege to the massive British fort on Brimstone Hill. %he British garrison, though
defeated was allowed to leave as an undefeated force, in full uniform and high honour. A year
later, the British awarded the same dignity to the French as the territory of St. Kitts returned
permanently to the British in 183 as part of the %reaty of Versailles. Even after the Abolition
of the Slave %rade Act in 180, the slave trade continued illegally for years to come. f a ship
was in danger of being spotted and boarded by the Royal Navy, Captains would simply order
their slave cargo to be thrown overboard, thus avoiding being fined. t must have been truly
horrendous.

%his rich heritage is still immediately evident on the island. Brimstone Hill Fort is a World
Heritage site today. n the waters surrounding the island, cannon balls can still be found,
along with hand blown glass bottles. We used to conduct snorkelling trips to Whitehorse Bay
in St. Kitts to view 5 of the 13 cannons from a British troopship sunk during the Battle for
Frigate Bay in 18. %he site was only uncovered after a hurricane in the 1990s and recorded
in 003 by the Anglo-Danish Maritime Archaeology %eam (ADMA%). Shortly before arrived
on the island, one of the cannons disappeared. Being so close to land, locals believe it was
literally dragged up the shore at night and taken off the island. Since 003, all of the cannons
have been stolen.

On the neighbouring islands of Saba and St. Eustatia (Statia), glass slave beads are still
washed up today.


98

hapter 24
It's Just Not ricket


found St. Kitts an increasing difficult and frustrating place to live, some of it was entirely my
fault guess though not all of it. Having had an incredibly social time on Phi Phi and Aruba
and then the intensity of the Polynesia cruise ship, was happy enough to have a relatively
quiet time on St. Kitts. got on very well with Vanessa my house mate. We had initially started
with a relationship but this fizzled and we were more than happy to live together as house
mates. By now, had almost stopped drinking as well. Funnily enough, very rarely sat on the
beach either. dived 6 days a week (either teaching, guiding or hunting) and spent Sunday
mornings at the Marriot, drumming up business from the guests who were lying by the pool.
was OK with this. t kept me busy and allowed Auston to spend some quality time with his
family.

%hough worked hard and always got on with Auston, must admit was having issues with
his wife Margot. had heard she was a tricky character to work with, especially from my
colleague Lisa, from the Windjammer cruise ship. Owing to the fact that Lisa was a complete
nightmare to work with, right from the get-go, didn't put too much weight on her observations
of people. As think have mentioned before, tend to trust my judgement of people and try
to take them as see them, not on the account of what others may think. For the most part,
this has been a successful tactic for me and would like to think it has allowed me to work
and play alongside some people, who know others have had issues with. Of course, not
everyone falls into this category, but from what had seen of Auston and Margot, liked them
a great deal.

enjoyed my working hours, more often than not being home by 3pm and in the summer of
005, took great satisfaction in slobbing out in front of the %V, watching England win the
Ashes. Of course, the Kittitians love their cricket and later played host to the Cricket World
Cup in 00 so at least had something in common with the locals. n between overs, tried
to explain the intricacies of cricket to Vanessa and ack the dog. think ack understood more
than Vanessa! Honestly, it's so easy you could print it on a tea towel.


Cricket: As explained to a foreigner...

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he
comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side
that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs,
%hat's the end of the game.

Howzat!


After 5 months or so on the island, began to see and hear the darker side of Auston's wife.
thought was helping them both quite considerably by taking over the Sunday morning
poolside sales pitch at the Marriot. didn't really mind it and it could be quite good fun. would
99

preamble down to the very nice pool, set up the gear that had stashed in the hotel pool side
bar and basically wait for anyone to come and have a go. Most of the time, it was little kids
who would love to sit in the shallow water and stare at the grout between the tiles. However,
this did make me look popular and busy and others would inevitably follow and it was
extremely rare did not sign up at least people for a days diving later on in the week. had
to pack up within the hour, to allow the water aerobics to start, so would normally join them
for an hour of butt clenching exercises.

Occasionally, would call Auston to give him the names and details of these new customers
so that he could add them to the diary, especially if they would be diving with us on Monday
morning and would need picking up before saw him. Auston was generally busy with the
family on Sundays, so would leave a voicemail. On one occasion, a couple of hours after
had called and left a message, received an irate call from Margot. %o keep a long-ish story
short, she blew her top at me and at this point, had no clue as to why. Once she stopped to
draw breath, asked her what the hell this was about. n her opinion, had no right to be
calling Auston on a Sunday and interfering with his family time. must admit, found this a
rather bizarre thing to say and one that thought was inconsiderate. had after all, been to the
Marriot to drum up business at Auston's request.

Auston had been allocated this hour every week to sit at the Marriot pool and had asked me
to take this hour from him, so that he could spend time with his family. Of course was happy
to do this. t worked in all of our favours. f those new customers took the Discover Scuba
Diving course, gained through the commission. Auston gained because he had another diver
or on the boat and his family obviously benefited from this additional income. My reason to
call him on a Sunday (also at his request) was to let him put new bookings in the diary and
organise the transport to pick them up. What didn't bank on was that Margot would misread
this as me trying to get Auston to give up his Sunday and come and work with me at the
Marriot.

%he following morning, as soon as swung by and picked up Auston, spoke to him about her
phone call. He was as shocked by it has had been. He was obviously not aware that she
had called. He apologised and the matter was put to bed. Or so thought.

A month or so passed when a similar thing happened. had been approached by several vet
students who wanted to learn to dive which would be great. Because they lived on the island,
we offered them discounted rate and it also allowed me to work during the days and then
teach them the theory and the pool work outside these hours, so could earn more money
than usual. Of course, working more anti-social hours had its drawbacks but it was a minor
deal for me. actually preferred teaching the theory in the evenings as it was far less busy
than the daytime. could also teach the pool work on a Sunday afternoon when the shop was
officially closed. Certainly Auston and ermaine did not work on Sundays.

When it came to taking the students on the boat for the Open Water dives, we obviously tried
to make this during the time when Auston and ermaine would be available as needed to
use the boat and needed their help. t would be great if we could take the boat out with
students over a couple of afternoons or on a Saturday. On this particular occasion, right from
the start, Auston and knew that we would not be able to complete the Open Water dives
during the week-days and it was unfortunate but we would need to complete the course on a
Sunday afternoon. %his was a one-off but sometimes, you just needed to be adaptable like
this.

Having been out for the last dives on the Sunday afternoon, dropped Auston back at his
home and continued home for a shower. Within minutes, my phone rang. t was Margot and
this time she just launched into a complete rant, so loud that Vanessa could hear it and so
continuous, simply turned off my phone in disbelief. Once again, when spoke to Auston
about it, he had been unaware she had called me and could only apologise. %his time
however, did not want him to apologise, wanted her to. She had no right to speak to me like
that. %he reason for her rant was once more, she considered me a threat to their family
Sundays and why was dragging Auston into work? She had obviously not listened to the
reasons for the decision, something that both Auston and had both agreed to and also
agreed this was a one-off that had to be done.
100


Having thought about it over night, must admit gave Auston an ultimatum. Either she came
to the shop and apologised in person or they could find a new nstructor. knew Auston
valued my services very highly and knew finding someone else to work there would be
tricky. Certainly there was no one suitable on the island as far as we knew. f walked out,
they would be faced with a far bigger work load. By 'they', mean Auston.

Low and behold, Margot came and saw me in the shop that afternoon. She was deeply
apologetic and actually think she was genuine on this occasion. Certainly, it was fairly teary
for all those concerned. had my say, she apologised, Auston apologised and we all lived
happily ever after, sort of. Apparently this was the first time Auston had heard Margot
apologise, in over years.

One of sad sides to St. Kitts was the people and by that, their attitude, both in general and
towards work. %here was also a big (but relatively quiet) drug problem on the island. For the
most part, it was between the locals and as we know in our little cocoon lives, if a Black man
kills another Black man over drugs, no one really cares. f a Black man kills a White man,
whoa, that's a different ball game. My worry was that if a Black Kittitian killed a White tourist,
all hell would be unleashed on the island. By now, the case of the beautiful Nathalee
Holloway, missing in Aruba was being played out on CNN every night.

%he Marriot was by far the biggest employer on the island and had many hundreds of staff.
Some were local, many were imported. %he majority of our diving guests stayed at the Marriot
and most seemed to really enjoy their time there and it easy to see why. thought it was a
very nice hotel. %hough large, it was low rise and quite aesthetically pleasing within the
environment. Certainly it was no where near as dominating as the huge resorts in Aruba. For
the most part, the guests had very complimentary words about the staff there and the
Kittitians. Unfortunately, most of the staff the guests saw were not local Kittitians, they were
imported workers from other islands, especially from Dominican Republic.

had heard before that the DR workers were well regarded throughout the Caribbean and
from what could see, it was true on St. Kitts. had heard when the hotel had been built, they
simply struggled to find and hang onto the local front-end staff, those who would be visible
and customer focussed. As a result, despite an abundance of eligible workers, most of the
front line staff were imported. n some ways, it is similar to the mass immigration we see in
Europe and North America. know it is not quite as simple as that. Dare say it, the average
tourist (myself included) is not too hot on being able to differentiate the different Caribbean
dialects and features and so assume all the locals, are indeed, local.

For the first time in my life, have to say didn't really warm to some of the Kittitians as a
whole. know this is all very vague and generalised but am sure we all get a general feeling
of a population when we live or even holiday somewhere. actually thought some Kittitians
were fairly racist towards me. At first, just thought it was the general attitude that was
bugging me and could tolerate it.

Having arrived without a work permit, immediately applied for one but in the meantime, each
month needed to update my visa stamp. %his should have been a relatively simple affair.
was told to present my passport to the mmigration with $50 and collect it again 48 hours
later. As you can imagine, things are rarely that easy. Having presented myself to
mmigration, was then told needed to present myself to the Police. OK. t was a 0 minute
walk in the heat of the day but whatever. Of course the Police hadn't a clue what was on
about and rather than call mmigration, had to return to where had started, only was now
in a hurry to get back to work.

With my fingers well and truly crossed, left my passport and money with mmigration. Of
course, 48 hours later, it was not ready. 1 week later, still not ready. weeks later, nope. By
week 3, was pissed off. My issue was, even if got it back now, would only have to turn it in
again a few days later, as the month-long visa would need updating. Another $50 was handed
over and once again, was told to return and should have a passport, visa valid of months.
t took weeks to get it back. %he next time went to renew it, 'had a word'. Either stamp it
here and now or you will never see me again. t worked and this was how proceeded each
101

month. Of course, despite trying to do things properly and going through the official channels,
never did get my work permit, so was still illegal.

etting a parcel from the Post Office was met with equal frustration. knew had mail from
time to time, normally a package had ordered online from the USA. %he tracking number
would tell me it was ready for collection, so would head on down to the Post Office to collect
it. On more than one occasion, would ask for the package and without even looking, was
met with a blank stare and a mumble that it wasn't there. f should even suggest they
actually go and search for it, that generally was translated as 'why not go and have a cup of
tea and a mumble in the next room and keep the customer waiting for 10 minutes'? Believe
me, was not alone in this frustration.

Auston had to admit, he had also witnessed blatant favouritism when he had first moved to
the island. He had struck a deal with the Ocean %errace nn (O%) hotel to base his shop on
their dock. He ran his dive business from the dock and restaurant by day and the restaurant
would serve the guests upon their return. %he hotel could also claim to have its own in-house
dive business for its international guests. n theory, everyone was a winner. With time, Auston
began to wonder why he was not as busy as he had expected, especially with guests from
O%. He soon realised that O% were not sending their guests to dive with Auston, they were
being sent to the other dive shop on the island, owned by a 'local' who had fathered not just
an entire football team but all their supporters as well, from what heard. When Auston
quizzed the hotel management and receptionist, to his astonishment he was informed the
hotel had been sending the guests elsewhere because the other guy needed the money and,
being a Whitey, Auston was therefore assumed to be wealthy and didn't really need the
money.

%he most blatant racism came across was several times in the local supermarket. As you
would expect, took my basket of goods and stood in line. As was emptying my full basket
on the counter, a local guy nudged past me and was served first. was OK with this as was
going to be a while and he only had a couple of items. However, then the next person nudged
past and was forced to wait my turn.

On my next visit, it happened all over again. was next in line but others nudged passed me.
On this occasion, voiced my thoughts. %his was met with vocal abuse by not just the
customer but also the woman on the check-out. She would only serve me when she had
completed the others and if that meant had to wait for 5 people, then that is what had to do.
Funnily enough, found another place to shop after that.

Despite these 'issues', the local dentist on the island was the best have ever known. Well to
be honest, he was an American who had been there for years, but was pleasantly surprised
how much dental care could get for $50. %he same could not be said of the doctor. He had
no idea what to do with me! Haemorrhoids are never a nice way to introduce oneself to the
medical system. 've no idea how got them but they cleared up in no time thanks to
Preparation H!

Another huge positive for Pro Divers was Auston's great friend, Ken. %hey had known each
other for years, despite the 40 year or so age difference between them. Ken is a right
character and not one to mince his words. At times, neither am . think it may be the adopted
Yorkshireman in me and as such, we got on very well. He learned to dive with the Dinosaurs
but has outlived them all and still gets a kick out of diving, 56 years after certification. Quite an
achievement assure you. He is well into his 80's and still loves to dive each year. A true gem
of the diving community.

10

hapter 25
You Know It's Time To Leave When A Date Is Not A Date


%o a large extent, hunting for lobsters on St. Kitts kept the diving exciting which is very
important to me, otherwise an exciting job becomes just a little too mundane. When the sun is
shining and the guests are good, times were great. was getting paid to do what loved after
all, plus got a wicked suntan and my hair went white with so much sun and sea. For a week
or each year, Auston would take the family on vacation, normally to Florida. Whereas
continued to keep the boat and shop ticking along, tended to take this time off as well, using
the time to bugger off elsewhere or generally dry out.

Soon after had arrived on the island, had the brainwave to subsidise my income. Until had
learned to hunt lobster with any skill, my income was OK but wasn't really allowing me to save
much and so looked for alternative revenues. Drug dealing and Prostitution were not really
my scene and so went and spoke to the Manager of the Marriot golf course. stared at the
course everyday from my balcony and loved to walk the dog along the hill side overlooking
the manicured greens, running parallel to the Atlantic. %here were also a lot of lakes and
knowing from personal experience, lakes on a course are usually stacked with lost balls. Lake
balls can mean big business for those willing to risk the duck shit. thought was, so went
and had a word.

%he course Manager was a great guy and we spent an hour or on the course, purposefully
whacking balls from the tees into the lakes to see where they would land. As we drove around
the course in the buggy, we calculated there would be somewhere in the region of 000 to
10,000 balls in the lakes. Despite not having a dry suit which would be far better as
protection, not against the cold but against the duck shit, was keen to consider the profits to
be made. Unfortunately, my plan hit a wall. t transpired that not only were the lakes likely to
be full of balls and duck shit, there was a high risk of human pooh in there too, owing to the
fact the lakes were designed to act as reed beds and would naturally be part of the sanitation
process for by-products from the hotel. %here was no need to take this conversation any
further and we knocked the idea on the head.

took a few days off in une 005 to return to the UK. had been to the UK roughly every 18
months or so, twice for funerals. As a way of easing Chuck's hesitance with me being abroad,
had always maintained that as long as had 1000 ($1600) in the bank, there was rarely a
case could not return home for an emergency, given 4 hours notice. une 005 was not an
emergency nor was it a funeral. t was Chuck and the affer's Ruby (40 years) wedding
anniversary. had known about the party for a year, but always made out would not be able
to attend. n fact, had also told my brothers that whatever wrote on the family emails,
would be definitely be there.

even managed to fly into London without the authorities being notified. called the affer
from London under the pretences of having a nice son/father chat but he instantly sniffed a rat
and guessed was in Blighty. However, he was able to keep a secret which think is amazing
considering he had been married to Chuck for 40 years. %he affer is hopeless at secrets
and Chuck can sniff a rat at 100 paces. Knowing what he did, the of us arranged would
take the train from London to York and he would come and pick me up at about 18:00. also
reminded him to keep his mobile phone close by, just in case. Now, the affer NEVER uses
his mobile. Much like my late ranny, he keeps it in the car, rarely charging it and so when
needed, it would inevitably be dead. However, he kept it charged and in his pocket on this
occasion. He may have even worked out how to put in on the Silent but Vibrating mode.

Of course, just as he was about to set off to York station to come and collect me having fed
Chuck a pack of lies as to why he needed to 'pop down the shops' for an hour, called from
the train to say was going to be late. He even had his jacket on and was heading to the car
when called. Somehow, he managed to convince Chuck he could pop out a little later, which
he duly did and she was still none the wiser.
103


%he affer met my train and we drove the 0 minutes back to the house. Rather than enter by
the back door as is the norm, the affer thought should go the front door and ring the bell for
Chuck to come and answer, thinking it was someone from the village. did that. rang and
Chuck answered. Poor thing almost had a heart attack right there on the doormat. She had
been well and truly caught off guard which was great. Luckily, the minor heart attack was
prevented by a nice cuppa tea and a slice of cake. Somehow, the affer had managed to
sneak one past her, the first time in 40 years of trying. %he Ruby garden party was a joyous
occasion, mixing old and new family with friends from afar and from around the corner. t was
well worth the travelling to get there, not for the party but to remind them of me in their Will.
Such is the sense of priorities and humour in my family!

On another occasion when managed to get off the island, hopped over from St. Kitts to St.
Maarten and then on to St. Barths. had obviously been there many times before on the
weekly visits by the Polynesia, but this time, my friend anine from Nantucket had rented a
house on Flammand Beach and so went to say hi. Flying into the tiny St. Barths airport is an
ordeal unto itself. Rated as one of the most dangerous approaches, the tiny plane aims for a
dip between hills, barely scrapes the tops of the cars on a roundabout on the hill top and
then sharply drops onto the runway. loved it, but many others have thrown up in terror. %he
other part loved about my flight, was asides from a surf board, was the only passenger on
the plane. My own private flight.

t was a great few days on St. Barths, tearing around the tiny island in a little car, seeing the
many beaches and how the other half lived. n fact, we bumped into one of anine's friends
from Nantucket. %he guy's dad had given him a house as a gift. usually get a pair of
underpants or a frying pan from my parents. Anyway, this gift was worth over 3million
($4.8m) but rather than sell it, he rented it out over the summer. %hat way he could spend his
summers in St. Barths. Oh and the monthly rent on his house? 5,000 ($40,000) a month.
Nice if you can get it.

%he Church of Scientology 'cruise' ship came to St. Kitts for a few weeks. had never really
thought much about this Church/Cult but upon seeing their ship, you couldn't help but wonder
what the hell goes on. Why did they have or need this thing to begin with? Does the Pope or
Dalai Lama have such a method of transport? o and oogle the 'Freewinds' and you will
see this is not exactly a small pleasure boat for plying the Norfolk Broads. %he 'Freewinds' is
the Church's centre of study and members can sign up for a myriad of courses to further their
career within the organisation. Some courses cost less than 60 ($100) but it is known that
others run into the thousands.

Quite why they need to do this aboard an old 1968 Finnish ex-cruise liner, measuring 134m
(440ft) long and capable of carrying 540 passengers, am not entirely sure. Why it needs to
sail around the Caribbean to do this, am not sure either. Anyway, during its time on the St.
Kitts dock, 4 of the Scientologists came diving with us and have to say, they were a bit odd.
As anyone who knows me, am able to strike up a conversation with anyone, just like the
affer. really struggled with this lot and they did not socialise with the other tourists on the
boat. %hey did however invite Auston and for a tour of the 'Freewinds' but we politely
declined.

Occasionally, did manage to get out of the house and go on a date with one of the vet
students on the island. %he female population out numbered the male but having said that, a
large number of them were already paired off as far as could make out. had managed to
woo the Ross University Scuba Club to choose me as their preferred dive nstructor over the
other shops. t didn't take much. Obviously they were all very intelligent people and so easy to
teach but their timetabling meant needed to work Sundays and evenings and fit the theory
and swimming pool classes around them.

On one of these courses, taught girls and a guy. %hey were pretty easy to teach as ever.
%he only issue we had was the swimming pool. Obviously all the pools on the island were
outdoors but with so much sun and heat, most of them were lovely and warm. For some
reason however, the one we used for training at the O% hotel was freezing. %he O% had 3
pools but only one of them was quiet and deep enough for us to work in. t was if they
104

pumped in ice cubes into the water. would have thought it was naturally impossible to make
the water so damn cold without running it through a refrigeration unit beforehand.

As we progressed through the course, begun to take notice of one of the girls (let's call her
Lindsay but really cannot remember her name) more and more and thought she was giving
me the eye as well. Being the professional aspire (and fail) to be, decided not to push my
luck until the course had finished. A day or so after the Certification paperwork had been
completed, called Lindsay and asked whether she would like to go for a drink and was
delighted to hear she was more than happy with this. ame on, thought! We arranged to
meet a couple of days later.

didn't really think too much of it until received a text message from Lindsay. t simply stated
she was really looking forward to meeting, but wouldn't be expecting too much from the date
would ? Of course not! %hough a little taken aback, simply replied (and lied) that no, was
just looking to have a drink and a friendly chat and we would see how it went after that.

duly turned up at the bar in Basseterre a couple of minutes early and waited for her arrival.
She was on time, which is always a bonus as it saves that awkward time of having to order
and drink alone, and what's more, she looked fabulous. looked like a blonde haired, sun
kissed dive bum who had just fallen out of the shower but Lindsay really did look great. We
drank and chatted and put the world to rights. was 34 at the time, Lindsay was 10 years my
junior but that didn't bother me in the slightest. She was a beautiful girl, blonde and blue eyed
with a fantastic athletic body and perhaps best of all (OK perhaps not the best part), she most
definitely had a brain. Being a vet student she most definitely had a brain and as they were
always happy to point out, a medical doctor only has to specialise in the human body. Vets
needed to distinguish all sorts of ailments in everything from a lion to a badger. think that is
why they all adopted the stray island dogs, not so much to give them a better life, but so that
they could give them an examination, cleverly disguised as a cuddle.

My date was progressing well thought. Contrary to other dates in my past where know
have been a bit too forward, hung back and let the evening do the talking. We made each
other laugh as well which is always a plus. Lindsay then asked me if was seeing anyone, on
or off island. had been on the island for more than 6 months and was as single as Adolf's
testicle, so no, was not seeing anyone. For a girl to ask a guy this question, is intriguing as
she is now moving the conversation towards the more 'romantic' side. Of course, then
reciprocated the question, is she seeing anyone on the island? was delighted to learn she
was not with anyone on the island, BU%, she was seeing someone back home in the USA.
Ah, my plans had a flaw! What she said next, completely floored me.

"You don't know do you? Lindsay said
"Know what? What is there to know? replied
" am with someone 'off island', we have been together for 6 years. She is the love of my life.

'm sorry, can you repeat that again enquired through the complete blank look on my face.

"Oh, 'm sorry, did you not realise was with someone? have a girlfriend in the USA, have
done so for 6 years now. She is coming here in a couple of weeks so you must meet her
when she comes. She is fantastic.. didn't really catch the rest of that part of the
conversation.

"So hang on, you are a lesbian right? Nope, can honestly say did not know that but
am delighted to hear you are happily in a relationship. Lindsay smiled. " OK, let me
ask you this, when asked you out for a drink, why did you accept as a matter of
interest, mean, if there was nothing, you know, sexual in it for you?

" was really happy to get your call and to meet you for a drink because really enjoyed the
course and thought it would be fun to know you a little better, being a Brit as well, but there
was never a sexual element to the meeting, Lindsay explained.

105

"OK, get that bit now, so must have completely mis-read your body language
during the course because was pretty sure you were flirting with me and so thought
would ask you out and see where this led.

ust to re-emphasize my complete mis-handling of the case in point, Lindsay then added,

"t wasn't me flirting, it was o, the other girl on the course. She was the one flirting with you
Charlie. She was really into you. You should be having a drink with her. She would be here in
shot.

Oh bugger. was on the wrong date. had chosen a gorgeous and intelligent lesbian over
another intelligent and beautiful heterosexual. think it was time to pack my bags and leave
the island.

have to say, once we cleared this up, really enjoyed the rest of my evening with Lindsay. t
was almost as if the sexual tension had been completely torn up and burned, though my
devilish thoughts kept pushing towards for a 3-some. s there really such a thing as a lesbian
anyway? Surely there are only challenges.


106

hapter 26
Not Quite On The FedEx Map


n the Spring of 005, had been offered but ultimately had to reject the offer of joining a
liveaboard boat in Chuuk Lagoon, Micronesia. When had speculatively sent my CV to the
boat in early 005, had not heard back and thought no more of it. Some months later, when
the reply came back and was very positive, was well and truly gutted my situation had
changed and had given my word would be moving to St. Kitts. n early 006, knew my
time in St. Kitts would be coming to an end sometime soon. had enjoyed working for Auston
but the island was just not home for me, not long term. Vanessa would shortly be graduating
and moving back the USA to become a full time vet and so started to weigh up my options
about moving on.

%he first option was to reopen the conversation with the Odyssey liveaboard boat in Chuuk
Lagoon and see if the lead still had any warmth to it. Amazingly, soon received a reply from
the owner/Captain. He was not on the boat at the time of writing, but he would be within 3
weeks and he would contact me again at that time. rather thought this was his delicate way
of informing me was too late with my application and really had blown it. However, 3 weeks
to the day, he replied and asked if could join him in April 006.

cannot even begin to tell you how exciting this news was. had heard of the Odyssey a few
years before when was in Aruba. One of my bullshitting colleagues had said he was leaving
Aruba to move there but this turned out to be just a pack of lies. On the other hand, really
had been offered such an opportunity. had deeply regretted taking the job on the
Windjammer ship, Polynesia, rather than the %riton super yacht and so perhaps this was my
reward in a funny sort of way, for being a complete cock a couple years before. Of course,
needed to inform Auston of my offer.

have to admit, made a complete hash of this side of things. t is true, had originally said
would come to St. Kitts for the long term but he also knew was not too happy with what the
island was offering. As a tourist, it is beautiful but as the saying goes, the 'rass is Always
reener'. When told him my news, to say he was shocked was something of an
understatement. He had rather hoped the problems between Margot and me were behind us
which they were, but this was an offer could not refuse. What is more, did not want to
refuse it, not for a second time. %he following morning, Auston really showed me his character
and why enjoyed his company so much. He quietly came to me and said, he had time to
think about this new job, he had looked at the Odyssey website www.trukodyssey.com and he
really thought needed to take the opportunity. With a tear in his and my eyes, he gave me
his blessing to piss off outta there!

With the delicate bits taken care of, needed to sort out the pain in the arse bits that
accompanies moving overseas, mainly the paperwork. am a single bloke who only owns
property in SW London and so moving abroad is relatively straight forward but it still a hassle.
%rying to move abroad by selling and buying a house as well as a family in tow, must be a
complete an utter right Royal pain. At least the Queen can simply invade a country without
needing to fill in too much paperwork or pack more than an overnight bag.

Most work permits require the same old information; Contract, dental and medical releases to
state you are alive and capable of working, a birth certificate (preferably your own) and a
police report to say you have yet to be found guilty in a Court of law, despite the
neighbourhood knowing you are a Chav. For those of you who are not from these parts, a
Chav is a wonderful and truly British term. always understood it to mean 'Council House and
Violence'. A dictionary refers to a Chav as British Derogatory and defines the term as 'A
working-class youth, especially one associated with aggression, poor education, and a
perceived "common" taste in clothing and lifestyle'. Who said the Class system had been
abolished in modern, multi-cultural reat Britain? Has it bollocks. t is alive and well today as
10

it was when tigers were shot for sport by the Hurrah Henries during the Raj of 1858 to 194
when the British Empire was perhaps at its peak.

Either way, needed a police report to state that was not under arrest and awaiting
prosecution and this needed to be from the British police rather than the St. Kitts police force.
Lenny had sent all the necessary requirements for the work permit by FedEx which took
about 10 days to reach St. Kitts from Chuuk Lagoon and went about completing them all. n
the meantime, had applied online for a British police report which would take a week or so to
process.

Once had been to cough in front of a registered doctor and completed everything, duly
returned to the FedEx office and asked to send my package to Chuuk Lagoon. Sounds simple
enough doesn't it? Well the FedEx guys had never heard of Chuuk Lagoon which is not
unexpected.

"%ry %ruk Lagoon, suggested. "t used to be called %ruk Lagoon but is now known as Chuuk
Lagoon. %hat was met by blank stares as well

"%ry Federated States of Micronesia added. " know Chuuk is a State within the Federated
States of Micronesia. Perhaps it falls under F or M, rather than C or %. Again they flicked
through the directory but came up blank. %hey could see St. Kitts and Nevis was referred to
as KN.

didn't really understand this, as FedEx had successfully delivered the package to me, so
they must be able to return the favour as well. then had a brain wave.

"OK, so the original package to me must have had a tracking number, right? Can we track its
route from the Pacific to the Caribbean and then send it back on the reciprocal route?

%his seemed to make sense and the guys tapped in the tracking number. t showed the
package had left this strange place called Chuuk and been flown via uam (U) before
heading off to the USA and onto St. Kitts. %his looked good. knew uam was the gateway to
Micronesia but the issue was, even if we would get it back to uam, how would my package
have enough mojo to keep on going through to Chuuk? %he last thing wanted was for it to
get stuck in uam. Luckily, one of the FedEx guys knew this was sometimes the case. FedEx
had offices throughout the world but occasionally, there was a small subcontractor who would
take packages the final leg to their destination. By small subcontractor by the way, actually
mean a little guy called Dave who throws it on a plane and then Dave's mate, Bob picks it up
at the other end and stashes it on top of his %V at home until he can be bothered to deliver it.
f it is raining, this may take a while. Paying my bill, walked out of the office, totally confident
we had just sent my package to the Antarctic.

Packing up and heading off, though a pain, was not too much of a chore to me, having moved
so many times over the years. %hat in itself, found pretty funny. When was living in London
and looking for a new job, was completely focussed on finding new employment close to
where lived. f the commute would be more than an hour or so, then would forget about it.
n the late 90's, the UK was booming and jobs were fairly easy to find, so what was the point
in putting yourself out and having to move, just for a pay packet? think that underlines my
career to date within the UK. was rapidly becoming a slave to the pay cheque and didn't
really seem to mind whether or not was actually achieving or enjoying what did. know so
many people today who live and work in London who do not enjoy anything about their
professions, but it pays and as long as the mortgage is paid, they seem sadly content.

Speaking to a friend recently, was amazed she had not enjoyed her role within the banking
profession for a decade. Not all Bankers are multi-millionaires and even if she was, it would
still not compensate for her lack of enjoyment or professional stimulation. was also shocked
to hear that someone very close to me, who works for an international car manufacturer,
recently gave a score of 1 out of 10 for his employer in terms of personal development. %o
me, this is somewhat of an alien mentality. %here is no way in hell could work for a company
that did not stimulate me. t usually took me about 6 months to get a grip of my various
positions. f had not been promoted within the year, got agitated. %hat is my nature guess.
108

n some ways can be very patient (diving requires a huge amount of this) but in other ways,
can be selfish and impatient with the best of them.

Anyway back to moving on. t is never great to pack bags but somehow, packing such a
limited amount can be more daunting than packing up a car or truck load. always needed to
be very defined in what was absolutely necessary to take. %his would invariable be centred
around the dive gear. t is important and expensive stuff, so needed to take it. Shampoo and
other niceties were not so important and besides, would simply replace them at my new
destination. %ime and again, had to leave things behind, CD players, lights and other knick
knacks. Occasionally would post stuff back to the UK, for my personal 'museum collection'
which may take shape at some stage in the future.

Over the years, the airlines have become more and more scrupulous with their baggage
allowance as anyone who has tried to carry anything larger than a badger and heavier than a
pack of cotton wool will testify to. f my life was capable of being weighed, it would come in at
around 68kg (150lb). would not only have to carry all of this by myself (have you seen the
price of Nepalese Sherpas these days?) but would somehow have to try and get all of it on
the flight without additional charges. Smiling helped, speaking clear English helped, even
being a little camp to a blatant homosexual has helped. Flying from New York to London one
time, as checked in, asked if could add my third bag to the hold rather than struggle with it
as hand luggage. Yes could.

"Would be charged? was my question.
"Would you like to be charged? was the surprising reply
"No, would not like to be charged, so if you can chuck it in for free, that would be delightful
amused.
"Very well Mr. Munns, we can sneak it on at no extra charge to you.

%hat was most pleasant and minced away down the concourse, looking for a Martini with an
umbrella and a copy of Out magazine.

have found putting a huge amount of extra weight on a small plane seems to worry the
airlines less than putting the same weight on a much bigger jet. Don't ask me why, but rarely
had issues with the island hoppers. Flying with US carriers until recently was also an
advantage. %he Americans like everything to be bigger as we all know. %hey love bigger
portions of food (though they can't handle more beer), bigger cars, bigger houses, bigger
mouths. %he US airlines allowed much bigger weight allowances than the Europeans at this
time and this could only work to my advantage. Despite slimming down my gear as much as
could, was still over the weight limit but this did not seem to matter to the 'Oh So Friendly'
airline staff, hell bent on providing the customer what he actually wanted. Oh how times have
changed in less than 5 years.

Farewells out of the way, left St. Kitts and headed West. t was going to be a long, long trip
but was breaking it up into what hoped would be far more manageable bite sized chunks.
First stop would be Sacramento in Northern California, but first needed to be interrogated by
US mmigration in Puerto Rico. Call it thorough, call it paranoid, but entering the US is a
sweaty affair and one that will never really feel comfortable with. am all for keeping out the
Riff Raff who look to enter this wonderful country on the premise of following a cake baking
course but really want to make a bomb but sometimes you just get the idea that you really
should return home there and then. have no criminal record. Asides from a speeding fine,
am pretty clean behind the ears. even wear a clean pair of boxer shorts, 'just in case.'

On from Puerto Rico came the aesthetically pleasing but hell hole none the less, Miami
nternational. Why is it your arrival gate is always the furthest point imaginable from your
departure gate? am all for having a stroll through the airport to stretch my legs, but Miami
seems to be the largest airport of them all. %he poor Americans were keeling over with
cardiac arrests all over the place. 'Sorry, can't stop, have a plane to catch'.

Sacramento seems a nice enough town, maybe a little bland but then no one really goes to
Sacramento to visit the city itself, even if it is the State Capital. My reason for going was to
see a lovely friend of mine, Rose Mary. You have probably noticed by now that a quite a few
109

of my friends are of the female variety and that is most definitely true. Do you want me to
apologise? Rose Mary and had met on the Windjammer but there had been no hanky panky
between us and we had developed a good friendship in those 6 days aboard and the
intervening year afterwards. Sacramento was almost on the way to the Pacific, the invitation
was offered and so thought would go and say hello and am very glad that did. We got
one so well, even better than am sure we both predicted. Without the mayhem of the
Polynesia and the romance of sailing the Caribbean, a suburb in Sacramento was a very
different story.

Having some time in Sacramento was also beneficial in practical terms. could use the
address for receiving a new wetsuit and having my Scuba regulators serviced. Living on St.
Kitts, could only service them myself which is far from ideal but a necessary evil at times.
hired a car and was able to get out and about, either to the dive shop or to see more of
California. took the opportunity to visit a family who lived in Ripon which was on the way to
Yosemite National Park. had visited Yosemite in 1998 but wanted to see it again in the
Spring sunshine. Fat chance. t was pissing down with rain and mist and was lucky to see
anything. drove over to the coast, taking in the lovely Carmel and Monterrey scenery before
heading back to Sacramento. Over the week-end, Rose Mary took me up to the mountains
around Lake %ahoe, a truly stunning location. %he lake is apparently crystal clear but freezing
cold throughout the year. Mind you, it is 501m (1645ft) deep. tried snow shoeing at Heavenly
resort, overlooking the lake. %he view was superb with a deep snow draped all over the trees
however, have to say that snow shoeing did grab me as being a bit of waste of time. much
prefer to ski but was happy to give it a try for the day.

was such a lucky bugger once again to be staying with Rose Mary. She was the ultimate
hostess, insisting on cooking me a great breakfast when she could. %here is no way would
allow this normally. usually have a coffee and cereal but at her insistence, had a complete
Smrgsbord of pancakes and muffins, eggs and fresh orange. Far better than was used to,
or deserved.

For my second weekend, we took a trip to Napa Valley to sample some wines. Rose Mary
seemed to be an expert in fluttering her eyes at the right guys and before you could say Dom
Perignon, we had a couple of free tickets for the up market wineries and 'm sure you can
guess how the next few hours progressed. Very different to the French vineyards which are
all over the country, Napa is very organised and efficient by comparison. From an outsiders
point of view it was a fairly sterile place, lacking atmosphere as all the roads are straight and
run in a grid but at least it was easy to drive around, especially after a couple of glasses.

We spent the night at the famous hot Spa town of Calistoga. Having sampled the delights of
%hailand, was more than happy to spend a couple of hours being messed about with. First
stop was the mud bath. Now, this was weird but funny. Stripping down to nothing but a smile,
slipped into my bath and lay in a molten mush of hot mud. t was rather like bath time after a
wet and dirty game of Rugby, except for the abuse and bars of soap being hurled around the
bathroom. n fact, it was nothing like my rugby playing days at school. t was totally relaxing,
being completely submerged up to my chin in some sort of mud and volcanic ash concoction.
t didn't smell but as time went on, it got hotter and hotter and needed to bail before my heart
was cooked and gave up.

Next was the cold shower. When say cold, freezing was a better description. Covered in
cake, we emerged from our shit pits and hit the button. A torrent of ice water blew the mud
away but it also took my breath away. thought had a strong heart but was having a rethink
at this time. was fit as well having been diving continuously for the past 9 months in St. Kitts.
could handle the cold at first, but soon wanted to get out. Of course, trying to get that last bit
of mud from various crevices of the human body, takes time and effort.

Shower completed, off the spa pool. Ahh, this was far more my cuppa tea. Nice and warm,
not too cold or hot, just a glorious over sized bath for us both to wallow in. Having resembled
a pregnant hippo wallowing in the mud, was now far more like myself. Before too long, we
were ushered into the next room for a hot towel wrap. had never had this and at first, was
more than happy to be wrapped up like a Spring Roll. However, within minutes, felt
increasingly uncomfortable. Whereas Rose Mary was more than happy to be wrapped up and
110

left to bake, after about 5 minutes, needed to escape again. My heart was really pumping.
could feel the blood in my face was beginning to boil and worried my heart was about to
pack up and go and meet the rim Reaper. t was time for me to abandon my towels and go
outside. Ahh, that was much, much better. Perhaps am not made out to be pampered like a
woman. don't think could handle a Hen do at a Health Farm. t would probably kill me from
being too healthy.

Next step was from Sacramento to LA. was due to fly out of LAX to Chuuk but before that,
took the opportunity to stop in with Stacy in Hollywood. Stacy was another new friend from
Polynesia. told you it was a rich seam of friends and having been offered so many places to
stay, was now knocking on a few doors. Stacy is a great girl. Really good fun if a little too LA
for me! mean that in a good way because know she is not a true Californian and not at all
fake. Stacy lives just a stones throw from Hollywood Boulevard and when she was out at
work, went to suss out the 'hood. had been to Hollywood in 91 and the one thing that struck
me at that time was just what a hole it was. By 006 it was cleaner and less sleazy but it is
still not a great place in my opinion.

As part of my day of playing the tourist, happened to come across a rather weird museum on
Sunset Boulevard. Psychiatry: An ndustry of Death owned and operated by the Citizens
Commission on Human Rights (CCHR). Not heard of them? Nor me. don't know why went
in but did. t was a funny place, but certainly not in a Ha-Ha way. t was informative but so
one sided, soon begun to realise this was a huge propaganda exercise. By the end of it,
was determined to find out who was behind it. My suspicion was our weird friends in the
Church of Scientology. %he guys behind the reception were more than happy to answer my
questions but would not confirm if the Scientologists were involved. %hey did however, offer
me a free entry pass to the Church museum down the road. Mmm. By the way, later found
out it was indeed a Scientology museum so am not sure why they would not confirm this to
me on the day.

Stacy has an interesting job as a set designer for Warner Bros and was lucky enough to be
allowed to go to her office. %he plot in Burbank is huge and plays host to many studios, for the
%V and movie industry. t was fun to visit the props warehouses on the plot. Rather like a
huge auctioneers, there were rows and rows of tables, chairs, lampshades, desks and
everything else you could imagine was used to decorate the sets for the following days and
weeks of filming. Stacy had a list of what the set should be dressed as and simply went and
tagged everything she wanted and then someone would go and find her tags and deliver
them across the street. t was a very low tech job but she loved it and it was an interesting
time for me. We then went for a walk around the Studios. Being a week-end, there were no
Stars to gawp at, but they were preparing to shoot the new Oceans 13, which was nice. got
the biggest kick by seeing the ER set. was a big fan of this series, so it was great to see the
exterior of the hospitals main entrance with the overland train line and the basket ball area
where Messrs Clooney and Edwards would shoot hoops. Oh am starting to gush, so will
move on.

Stacy dropped me off at an LAX airport for my early bird flight outta there. My biggest memory
of LAX? Seeing Bucky Covington. know you haven't a clue who this is, so let me enlighten
you. Bucky was a contestant on American dol in 006 which had endured with Vanessa in
St. Kitts. Bucky was a Country singer and had been kicked out in the last 5, so had done well
but was a failure none the less and now, here he was, standing in line to fly home to North
Carolina. Reading his Wikipedia page, am delighted to read 'Since being on dol he has had
his teeth capped'. Ahh. Stardom beckons for us all.


111

hapter 27
Toads Stop PIay In Micronesia


f you have ever flown across the Pacific, you will join the gang of people who say to
themselves, 'mmm, didn't realise it was %HA% big'. %he Atlantic is positively a pond by
comparison and indeed, remember flying to Denver in 000 to ski in Vail. t was only as we
changed planes in New York, we realised we were not even half way. %he Pacific is very, very
wide. Once again, was playing my jammy bugger card. Part of my 1 year contract with my
new employers was a free flight from anywhere in the world, a pretty much unheard of perk
within the cut throat diving world. was very impressed by this and it told me several things all
at once. My employers were kind hearted people, they valued their team and there was
money to be made of the High Seas after all. am glad to report, the Odyssey was true on all
accounts. Because had made a vacation of my trip from St. Kitts to Chuuk, was happy to
only take the free flight from LAX to Chuuk. would sort out the rest.

My flight was actually 6. Yes, you read it right. 6. was on what was called the Continental
Micronesia sland Hopper and what's more, apparently was going to enjoy it. enjoy flying,
so perhaps was. Let's see.

ust getting from LA to Hawaii is a long haul flight. 5 hours 4114km (556 miles) of big blue
ocean. was in Honolulu on Easter Day 006, so that made for a wonderful stop over.
Everything was closed, including the Pearl Harbor museum. t was grey and wet, didn't have
anyone to share a chocolate Easter egg with, so took refuge in McD's.

%he next leg was 5 hours 365km (83 miles) from Honolulu to Majuro, that world famous
hot spot of debauchery and general mayhem. No, not really. Majuro marks the beginning of
the Marshall slands which had a little bitter sweet taste for me. A couple years before, if had
taken a different path, would have joined the %riton super yacht, sailing out of San Diego.
After a trip to the Baja peninsular, would have sailed over to the Marshall islands. %he yacht
was registered under the Marshallese flag and no doubt, the Crew and owner would have
made a couple of dives and done a spot of fishing. Majuro is a tiny blip on the map and most
probably, in the crease of the map so that you can't really find it anyway. According to
Wikipedia, Majuro should be pronounced 'mdro' Say again? t is a coral atoll, made up
of 64 islands but only has a land mass of 9. sq km (3. sq miles). Sounds idyllic? %ry it and
see. You can cross the island in minutes and at one point, is narrow enough to throw a stone
from one beach to the opposite side. ts Capital, Laura is the highest point but is less than 3m
(10ft) above sea level. f there is a od, please don't sneeze here.

During our flight from Honolulu, we had crossed the nternational Date Line, so it was all very
confusing. had left Hawaii on Sunday April 16
th
at :30. My flight was 5 hours and 10
minutes and so, my head clock told me it was 03:40 on the Monday morning. n fact, it was
01:40 on %uesday morning. Lost? You betcha was confused and completely disorientated.
Yet another day of my life had passed and couldn't even blame it on being drunk.

Something had never experienced before until this island hopper flight, was the security
version of Musical Chairs we always used to play at children's parties. Upon arriving at
Majuro, the Port side of the plane had to disembark whether they wanted to or not. Security
then boarded the plane and swept the empty seats. All those left on the Starboard side would
then be asked to move to the Port side, so that their seats could be searched. Once done, the
Starboard returned to their seats and the Port passengers were allowed to re-board. You can
imagine, it is quite disruptive to all involved.

As was on the Port side, had to get off the plane and go and wait in the airport hut. t was
grey and raining and there was naff all to do apart from stare at the greyness. spotted a sign
telling me not to chew or to spit. assumed it was banging on about chewing gum and thought
no more of it. took a couple of photos and got back on the plane. My time in on this spit of
land was well and truly over. t had taken 50 minutes.
11


Up and away and before we could even think about getting some kip, we had flown the leg
from Majuro to Kwajalein a short 50 min 430km (6mile) away. Completely losing the plot as
to whether it was Monday or %uesday, heard the announcement for select people to
disembark and so thought would go and stretch my legs. Anything had to be better to stare
at than the back of the headrest.

As got to the exit door, a very nice flight attendant looked at me and asked where the fuck
did think was going. was not entirely sure but wasn't supposed to get off to allow the
security musical chairs. Not here. Not Kwajalein. should take my seat again, shut the blinds
and pretend we were not here was the basic analysis of the conversation. Apart from the
boarding card with all these exotically named destinations on it, had never come across
Kwajalein before. How nave was ? Very, it seemed. Being the inquisitive type, returned to
my seat as instructed but was sure not going to close the blinds until had had a good look
outside. %his being the tropics, it was raining a bit. For sure, we were at the end of a small
runway and there were a few people milling about. All that could see were some US Military
types and some funny looking bunkers that lined the runway. %he mind boggled.

Kwajalein Atoll, pronounced kwdln' (thanks Wikipedia) is another place that sounds
idyllic if you read the brochure. 9 islands, one of the largest lagoons in the world, mostly
bicycles, free housing for the inhabitants of Kwajalein (Kwaj) islet. So far, so good. %hen you
start to read the fine print. Although Kwaj was not used for US Nuclear testing, like Bikini and
Rongelap, it has been the main base for US weapons testing. %hink Star Wars programme
and missile defence. More recently, think radar installations, telemetry and communications
equipment used for ballistic missile and missile-interceptor testing and space operations
support. Maybe a little more mundane, think about the PS system that allows us to drive
from A to B via a river and dead end. Kwaj is that type of place. Needless to say, my stay in
Kwajalein was short and sweet.

Once the rubber band had been twisted once again, the bird took flight and the next step
would be Kosrae. ust 0 mins and 646 km (401 miles) later, we touched down once again.
Kosrae or 'koa' marked the beginning of my new life. %he Federated States of
Micronesia (FSM) comprises of 4 States, with Kosrae marking the most Easterly edge of the
Caroline slands which make up FSM. Pretty much a single island State, Kosrae is what you
may call 'off the beaten track'. No one really visits. Asides from Scuba and Hiking, there is
little on offer for tourists. ndeed, such is its dullness, it is one of the few major islands in the
Pacific that did not see much action in WW. %hough the apanese occupied the island from
1914 to 1945, the Americans did not attack it or land there and so the apanese bunkers are
apparently intact even today. With 50 minutes on the ground and another security sweep of
the plane, it was time to leave once more.

Pohnpei was my next stop, 1 hour and 553km (344 miles) later. Now, did know that Pohnpei
was the Capital of the FSM islands and among its boasts, has the most populous and
developed single island in FSM. How exciting is that as a claim to fame. Oh and it is one of
the wettest places on earth, a mere 600mm (300 inches) each year. Suddenly the UK seems
positively parched. Another claim to fame for Pohnpei is its world class surf, not that had the
opportunity to sample these delights. Among the Pohnpei national treasures, is surely their
most famous athlete Elias Rodriguez. Elias ran the marathon for the FSM at the Sydney
Olympics. He may have finished last but that is better than me! What makes his story even
better was how he was cheered on by tens of thousands of spectators in the stadium and
millions of us watching %V as he entered the Olympic stadium for a final lap. t was not so
much his completing of the marathon the cheering crowd were grateful for, but the fact that
they had delayed the closing ceremony, allowing him to finish.

am grateful to the affer for providing the last vital statistic for Pohnpei, an article he took
from the Daily %elegraph on 15
th
April 010.


Toads stop pIay in Micronesia

113

Heard the one about the comedian's brother, the worId's worst internationaI team and
the pitch Ioad of amphibians?

PauI Watson, sibIing of Mark, a favourite on Mock the Week and Fighting TaIk, set out
Iast year to make a teIevision documentary about Micronesia, a Pacific confederation
presentIy marooned at the bottom of FIFA's rankings.

WhiIe researching on the isIand of Pohnpei, Watson was asked by IocaIs if, rather than
mereIy fiIming the team in action, he wouId become their coach. He agreed and despite
a compIete Iack of quaIification, at 25 finds himseIf the youngest internationaI team
boss in worId footbaII.

Things have started to Iook up; he has kit donated by YeoviI Town and if he can secure
sponsorship may even arrange the country's first away internationaI, in Guam (anyone
who might be abIe to heIp can contact PauI via the website www.pohnpeisoccer.com)
Before that though, Watson is Iooking for a way to sort out a perenniaI issue with
Pohnpei's pIaying surface.

"Every time it rains," he teIIs me, "the pitch is compIeteIy inundated with toads, you
can't move without treading on one. The probIem is, it rains every day." And we think
WembIey has issues.


By October 010, there were good news stories. %he Chilean miners had been freed after
69 days underground, but more importantly.


Rise of poor Pohnpei is one in the eye for worId rankings

Last summer, this coIumn addressed the sensitive issue of the Micronesian isIand of
Pohnpei, officiaIIy the worst footbaIIing nation on the pIanet.

Lying at the bottom of RoonBa's worId rankings, the Iist which sifts the detritus beIow
even the officiaI FIFA order, this is a country that had never, in its history, won a
match.

With annuaI rainfaII doubIe that of BIaenau Ffestiniog (WaIes), a IocaI obesity rate of 90
per cent and a training pitch that is home to thousands of mating toads, at the time it
did not Iook Iike that its ignominious titIe was under any reaI threat.

WeII, this week, comes amazing news: Pohnpei are on the up. Even as EngIand were
toiIing against Montenegro, for the first time ever the isIanders triumphed in a 90-
minute match, aIbeit against a cIub side from neighbouring Guam. And more to the
point, it was a victory engineered by an EngIish coach.

"It's just amazing how hard these Iads have worked," said PauI Watson, younger
brother of the comedian Mark Watson. "We have put them through 5am sessions
before work, not to mention the hours spent on our waterIogged pitch."

Perhaps sensing he has taken Pohnpei as far as he can, Watson is now on his way
home, to seek further footbaIIing opportunities here. A youthfuI, winning EngIish coach
with foreign experience: someone aIert the FootbaII Association.


%here does seem to be a little confusion on the match. t was thought it was abandoned after
0 minutes due to the rain but it was in fact it was the lights that failed. n the meantime, the
authorities left the score as it was. -1 against a nd division team from uam.

Leaving Pohnpei there was just enough time to partake in the last of the in-flight
refreshments. As far as can make out, Continental Micronesia, the American airline who has
a complete monopoly on flights in this part of the world, only seem to serve 1 of foodstuffs.
114

When say , actually should stress, it is actually only 1. As long as you are happy to eat a
processed bun with processed ham and semi-melted cheese, you are in Paradise. couldn't
help wonder if this 'Cheeseburger in Paradise' was a reflection of the alleged Paradise was
about to walk into a few thousand feet below.

Pohnpei to Chuuk is just a 1 minute flight, covering another 686 km (46 miles) of beautiful
nothingness that is the Pacific Ocean. love to stare out of the window, at its amazing
bleakness, hoping to see the big whales but all can see are shadows of clouds. %here is
very little land out here. Very few ships ply these waters. %here is very little of anything but
there is a tonne of nothing. %hat does not mean it is a desert though. %he Oceans are very
much alive though it just takes a while to find this life.

%he first question am asked about Chuuk is, "where the %ruk is that? ood question and
one that have had to answer several hundred times. Sometimes it would be so much simpler
to carry an atlas or wear a %-shirt with a map on it. An app on my phone does the trick. Quite
simply Chuuk Lagoon (formerly known as %ruk Lagoon) is in the middle of not a lot.
Approximately degrees north of the Equator and 15 degrees longitude, it is almost the
exact same distance from London travelling East as it is from New York travelling West
(13000km or 8100 miles). Nestled in the WeStern Central Pacific, Cairns and Manila are
close-ish. Pearl Harbour is 5600km (3500 miles) away. You get the picture (otherwise
perhaps you had better consult that atlas).

Chuuk nternational Airport (%KK) was, well it was as good as had imagined. My island
hopping experience had shown me should lower my expectations somewhat. Having seen a
lot of the Caribbean, could see this was no Caribbean. rand Cayman has a surprisingly
small and rural airport. %his was not quite as classy as rand Cayman. As stepped from the
plane and walked towards the small mmigration hut off the tarmac, was relieved to see my
new boss, Lenny. had been wondering how was going to bullshit my way onto the island
without any paperwork or visa but no worries. Lenny slipped the necessary details through the
chain link fence and joined the queue. My mmigration officer took my passport and smiled.
He had completed my work permit that very morning and was happy to see had arrived.
Cool, was in Chuuk. For non-divers, this is the Mecca of wreck diving for reasons will
explain later. Divers fly from far and wide to be here.

Chuuk, in theory, should be the wealthiest of the FSM countries but that doesn't mean a lot.
%ourism is it main draw, and by tourism, really mean diving. %here is very little reason why
anyone else would find their way to the islands. For sure, if you can make your way to the
outer islands on the atoll reef, you can find Paradise. Occasionally, small and not so small
yachts come to Chuuk and take refuge for a few days before the long haul to the next dot in
the Pacific. %here is the added attraction of the Uwaw bird or %ruk Monarch, one of the rarest
in the world and occasionally, the island is visited by a handful of %weeters, determined to get
a glimpse. have never been in to bird watching so the idea of spending thousands of pounds
and days of travel to see a bird is an alien concept to me. Having said that, do exactly the
same thing for diving, scouring the worlds waters for a Whale Shark or a Manta Ray. guess
am just a %weeter at heart though am not sure what the technical term is. Bubbler?

%he CA is pretty obsessed with knowing all there is to know about people and places but
they seem to have forgotten about Chuuk and the rest of the Micronesian states. %heir
website, the CA World Factbook https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/
has proven to be quite interesting to me over the years, giving a rough indication of a place
that may not have been picked up by the Lonely Planet, for being a little too, lonely. %he CA
has photos of the Federated States of Micronesia. Surely they could do better than that.
FSM has a population of around 10,000 which makes it the worlds 19 largest country.
Chuuk accounts for about 53,000 of this total, making it the highest in population of the 4
States. %heir birth rate is the
nd
highest in the world and it is unfortunately high due to infant
mortality rate. 89% of the population can read and write which is excellent and .3% of DP
is spent on education which is incredibly high. Officially, 66% of workers are employed by the
overnment but don't seem to do much from what could see. Unemployment is % and the
average income per capita is a measly 1460 ($00). FSM is poor, very poor.


115

hapter 28
Where The Truk Am I?


Prior to touch down, had never met or spoken to Lenny, not even by phone. Along with his
wife Cara and business partner Cliff, Lenny owns and runs the boat. He had simply received
my email with the accompanying CV, had liked what he had read and after about 18 months
of e-ping-pong, had taken a considerable risk in hiring me. %he diving fraternity can be a
pretty small world at times and as such, many people got to where they were via what we
tend to call, networking. n diving terms, that means 'beer o'clock'. Diver A is having a beer
with his mate Diver B when a friend, the lovely Diver C comes and joins in the conversation.
Before you know it, Diver A is then either trying his luck (basically trying to shag) the lovely
Diver C or is recommended to leave the present hell hole and go and work at a new place
where Diver C has recently had an affair with the owner. A new position has opened up
because Diver C has had her work permit revoked by the bitter owner and she needs to leave
the island within minutes. %hat, in a conch shell is how the system works.

By the time met Lenny, was pretty tired from all the broken up flights and soggy
sandwiches and rather hoped would be taken straight to the boat where could at least grab
a shower. No such luck and instead, we drove straight to the 'House' where met his lovely
wife, Cara. %he 'House' was the storage area for the boat supplies. On the first floor of an
office building, they used it to keep a whole manner of things but mostly boxes of dry food.
was immediately tasked with unpacking stuff and sorting it onto the various shelves. Once a
year, the Odyssey received a container load of food and dry products, ranging from loo paper,
to Pringles and Beer. Obviously this needed to be unloaded (which had been done the
previous day) but now needed to be stacked neatly onto the shelves and double checked
against the inventory. %his was easy enough except for a few things.

1. was knackered.
. was dirty.
3. was still dressed in jeans, t-shirt and shoes (as you are on a plane)
4. had no idea where anything went on the shelves.

We spent 4 hours in the House, most of it without electricity and so no air-conditioning or
power for the freezers. By the end of the day, was hotter and smellier than before but at
least knew where to find the chocolate fudge brownies.

was joining the boat towards the end of a Down Week. %he boat was generally full
throughout the year but closed its diary to guests every 8 to 10 weeks. %his Down Week
allowed them to rearrange things in the House, paint bits of the boat and generally sort things
out that can't really be done with 16 guests waddling about in dripping Speedos. t made a lot
of sense but couldn't help feel that this would also cost them a considerable amount in lost
revenue. had never heard of this methodology but liked the idea very much. t instantly told
me that these guys were in it for the long-term and were prepared to forfeit the short term gain
for the long term profit. All too often and guess the diving industry really reflects this, the
view is always the short term.

%ime and again, dive shops and boats struggle financially despite having a loyal fan base.
%he reason could be a lack of long term investment. With time, the boats looked crap, then
the engines wear out and before you know it, the company can only sell a crap experience
despite being based in a prime part of the world. Easy for me to say, don't own nor do ever
want to own a boat or a shop. %he Windjammer Polynesia was almost the antithesis of my
point with the Odyssey. Windjammer had a huge and loyal following, the famous ammers.
Many of them had sailed on multiple ships within the fleet and spent some good money by
doing so. However, the company was so poorly run, the money was mismanaged and there
was infighting among the family to the point there was no money, no investment and before
long, no boats, cruises or Crew. Not an ideal spot for a cruise ship company.

116

had no idea about any of the Odyssey Crew before got on the boat. had studied the
website with great interest but knew it was out of date. %his told me a couple of things. Either
they did not prioritise their website and marketing which could be very expensive or, as had
heard, they were so full for years to come, they really didn't need to advertise or market the
boat. t sold itself apparently. As the 3 of us took the small skiff (speedboat) from the dock at
Blue Lagoon Resort to the boat, saw a face recognised. Nick has been aboard the boat in
rand Cayman at the time had been employed as a dive slave. knew he was about to
leave rand Cayman in August 005 but didn't realise he was heading straight to Chuuk. t
was a small world after all.

%he first thing that grabbed me as soon as stepped aboard was how welcoming the Crew
were. When had first moved to other parts of the world, there had always been a sense of
hesitancy in coming forward. Not in Chuuk. Obviously they knew was coming and knew far
more about my role than did but that said, each and everyone came and shook my hand and
seemed to offer a genuine smile. t was nearing the end of the day and could see they had
been hard at work, painting the dive deck and various other jobs. As met each and every
one of the Crew, they introduced themselves and the position they held. n no particular order:

O Kent, Dive uide
O Madison, Dive uide
O Sam, Dive uide
O Ken, Dive uide
O Konta, Night Watch
O Mika, Night Watch
O esse, Cleaner. taught him to dive and he became a uide
O Soky, Cleaner
O Epek, Cleaner
O Benson, Cleaner
O Nick, nstructor, Captain
O , nstructor,
nd
Captain

By now, guess could be classified as a worldly man. had lived overseas for a number of
years and had worked alongside numerous nationalities and cultures, something really
enjoyed. Some WeSterners had met along the way had 'gone Native' or certainly had tried
to pretend they were one of the locals but for the most part, this was bullshit in my opinion. On
Phi Phi, Heinz had been living in %hailand for almost decades, was married with 3 kids but
would still maintain he kept a very Austrian or European attitude towards education,
healthcare, standards etc. Perhaps Auston was the closest had seen to a White man who
had completely immersed himself into the island the way of life. %his was easy to understand.
Although he had been born in Scotland, his parents had managed a resort in the %urks and
Caicos and he has grown up in the Caribbean from an early age. f that lifestyle works, it can
really be idyllic. He had made the decision to stay and live in the islands and to all intense
purposes, had become a West ndian. t did mean however, he would never really be able to
adjust and return to the UK or the USA, not that he wanted to or should anyway. He was
always keen to point out that too had changed too much to return to normality. Certainly, the
idea of returning to an office and suit job was not my idea of Shangri La by any means!

Having said that, deep down, although had changed considerably (call it maturity) over the
years, still maintained a sense of being a Brit abroad. By that, do not mean was a pissed
up arsehole, happy to drink myself to oblivion by night (and day) and then sit on the beach
with a knotted handkerchief on my head. Nor would pretend to represent the Queen and
insist the British Empire was still intact and had been the sole reason for the 'development' of
areas such as ndia, Africa and the Caribbean. For me, being a Brit abroad was trying to see
the value in these new cultures and lifestyles, while maintaining a British/European/WeStern
sense of values and standards. remember speaking to Auston about the problems we had
both encountered on St. Kitts and other West ndian islands (and do differentiate the West
ndies from other Caribbean slands) and was surprised by his response.

"Well it has always been like that and so will never change.

11

An island, a Culture, a Nation that never changes sound very romantic but it runs the risk of
being left behind doesn't it? When had originally learned that St. Kitts and other Caribbean
slands were allegedly in active discussions to allow the apanese to come and catch whales
in their waters, the local attitude had been relatively in favour because it meant they would get
a new fish canning factory. When pointed out things, they didn't seem to have much of an
answer. For starters, the apanese would primarily be building the cannery for their own
products and secondly, given the choice, most tourists and certainly most divers would prefer
to chose an alternative island if they knew St. Kitts was involved in Whaling. A simple sample
of the divers on the boat confirmed this second point. Every single tourist we asked on the
boat that week said they would chose an alternate destination if St. Kitts allowed the
apanese to kill whales in their waters.

Arriving in Chuuk, could sense here was a People had never seen before and really, had
only read about in a copy of National eographic. Chuuk had arrived at many crossroads in
its development. Sometimes its path had been dictated by others, sometimes it was able to
determine its own route. Which ever path it was on now, knew was going to enjoy this
journey into the unknown.

Day of my time in Chuuk was pretty eventful. %he Crew had been busy all week with
maintaining the boat, cleaning and painting and generally erasing any sign of deterioration
from the past few months. %hey knew what was expected of them and worked extremely well
together as a team which was vital. %oday was going to be a little more exciting for them and
certainly an eye opener for me. We were going to attach a mooring near to the apanese
submarine, the -169 and this was going to be a day of firsts for me. had never dived a
submarine of any nationality before and had never installed a mooring either, other than
chuck a lump of concrete over the side and use that to attach a line to.

%he vast majority of the wrecks in Chuuk Lagoon were all sunk on February 1
th
& 18
th
1944,
as a result of the Americans paying a visit to the mperial apanese Fleet in retaliation for the
attack on Pearl Harbor on December
th
, 1941. %he -169 submarine did not sink during these
attacks and was not in fact sunk by the Americans at all. t's story is a tragedy of the highest
degree in my opinion. t is a classic case of the wreck may not be classified as the worlds
best, but the circumstances of its loss add to its allure and creates a historic dive.

%he -169 was launched in 1934. She was 103m (344ft) long and had an operational range of
some 6,000km (14,000 nautical miles). Carrying 14 torpedoes, she was formidable fighter
and carried a Crew of 0. She had served during the attack on Pearl Harbor, sitting in the
depths waiting to rescue Crews from the apanese mini-submarines. During this operation,
she was depth charged, was entangled in the American anti-submarine nets and took
considerable damage to her periscope during her 39 hour submerged escape. She did
survive however and returned to Kwajalein on
th
December. Over the following years, the -
169 moved between islands in the Pacific, from the Solomon slands to uadalcanal and
Chuuk Lagoon. During her brief visits, she took on supplies and torpedoes from her supply
tender, the Heian Maru and it is almost ironic, the Heian Maru was sunk in Chuuk on 1
th

February 1944, just a few hundred meters from where the -169 came to rest a few months
later.

On
nd
April 1944, following a warning of an impending B-4 bombing raid, the Sub followed
standard procedures to dive to sit on the sea bed to avoid being hit. However, the -169 failed
to resurface and a rescue tug and divers were dispatched. A valve had either not been
secured or had become lose during her dive, flooding the control room and preventing her
from rising from the depths. %he divers were able to establish the remaining compartments
had been sealed off from the flooded chamber and the Crew were still alive, returning the
hammer taps from the divers.

By the next day, a crane was able to attach a cable around the Sub and begin to raise her.
However, it immediately became evident the flooding was more extensive and the cable
snapped. %he Sub was once more on the sea bed. Only the Crew in the aft compartments
were now returning the tapping from the divers. Air hoses were lowered and drilled into the
hull but it was impossible to signal for the Crew to open the ballast tank air valves. By 3:00,
all tapping from the Crew had ceased as they all succumbed to suffocation. With continual
118

threats of American air raids, rescue had become recovery. Some 6 weeks later, 3 of the 0
Crew were recovered and the wreck was depth charged to prevent the Americans getting
hold of the apanese submarine technology. %he soul Crew member to survive the sinking
was Lt. Cdr. Shinohara. He only survived as he was not actually present on the boat as she
dived. He was on land at the time. %he -169 later adopted his name.

%he wreck remained undisturbed until February 19 when it was rediscovered and 6 divers
entered to film her interior. %he film was shown on apanese television, prompting outrage at
how these heroes had been left behind. n August 193, the apanese returned to collect the
bodies and personal effects and return them to apan for a Shinto ceremony. ust to add to
the tragedy, one of the apanese divers died in this effort. %he bell is now in the Yasukuni
Shrine in %okyo.

Some 6 years later, the Odyssey was going to try and fix a secure mooring near to the Sub
and send me down to do it. Unlike the fiasco in the Red Sea with the %histlegorm, though
boat traffic in Chuuk is very light, almost all moorings are drilled into the sand, away from the
wrecks and so do not damage them in anyway. At the same time, the moorings allow the
Odyssey to sit directly over the wrecks, enabling the divers to find them with minimal effort.
ump in, sink and hopefully you will find a big metal thing.

Securing a mooring to the sea bed is easier said than done. Smaller boats around the world
can generally get away with wrapping cable or even thick rope around a rock or a piece of
dead reef, attach a floaty thing to it and thus, a cheap and easy mooring is available to tie up
to. Obviously the bigger the boat, the bigger the whole exercise and wrapping a cable around
something was not really the answer. For a start, there was very little rock to wrap around as
the sea bed within the Lagoon is generally a desert of white sand. Once you swim off the
wreck, there is not a huge amount to see.

%he Odyssey creates it own moorings and they don't come cheap. Over the years, having
initially shared the expense with a competitor boat which subsequently left, the boat and her
Crew have sunk around 16 permanent moorings. %he logistics of shipping all the necessary
components is not easy, nor cheap. We reckoned each one could cost over 185 ($3000) a
pop and again, this tells me a great deal about the mentality of the boat owners. %hey are in
Chuuk for the long haul and do their very best to preserve and honour the wrecks, while at the
same time, making them as accessible to recreational divers as they could. Chuuk Lagoon is
not exactly easy to get to and only a fraction of the worlds divers will even attempt to go there,
but the ones who sacrifice the considerable time and money to pay homage, are truly
rewarded for their dedication.

was to dive on the Sub with Nick. We had met in rand Cayman and having worked on the
Odyssey for over a year, he was about to take over the Captaincy and allow Lenny and Cara
to return to Colorado and build a new house. Our task was to drill steel pins in the sand with
the aid of a hydraulic drill and hose. %his is not the easiest thing in the world and what's more,
we would be messing about with this heavy equipment in 38m (15ft) of water. %ime is a
major factor when diving at that depth. Add to that, it was manual work and confusing and the
potential for an 'issue' is multiplied considerably.

Some of the guys jumped first and found a suitable spot for the drilling and laid out all the
equipment on the seabed, ahead of Nick and taking the plunge. had never done this before
and though we had been briefed on what to expect, it was nothing compared to seeing it first
hand. %he idea was to drill several steel pins deep into the sand. We could only drill one pin at
a time and so as soon as it was down about m (6ft), would lift a second pin into place, bolt
it to the first and we would keep on drilling. Simple huh.

Nick took the drill head which had a simple lever to drill clockwise or anti-clockwise. was to
brace the whole contraption to try and maintain a smooth operation and ensure we drilled
vertically into the sand. Well that was the idea. As soon as the drill moved, braced. %hrough
the impending mayhem, all could see was Nick spinning round and round with the drill bit.
Ahh, so not only did need to brace the drill, also needed to brace Nick as well. Shoving my
leg and arse out in one direction and pushing as hard as could in the other direction,
somehow managed to stop Nick from spinning and the drill looked to be heading down into
119

the sand. 10 minutes later and we were ready for the new pin. Each pin ways around 45kg
(100lb) and so this was not the simplest thing but managed to lift it into place, bolted it
together and Nick moved back into place with the drill head.

Despite all my efforts, this pin was taking me in a funny direction. just couldn't brace myself
in a way to stop the whole thing going in at an angle. Officially we had hit bedrock below the
sand and the pin shifted from a 90 angle to about 0. We continued drilling as hard as we
could but it wouldn't go in any other direction or angle. Adding another pin, it was about as
solid as we could make it.

By the time we were finished, my head was well and truly throbbing. was in decompression
and faced a long and slow ascent to the surface. Nick indicated he was heading up but was
not finished. had not even been to see the wreck at this point so swam the short distance to
see the hull of the Submarine. %he depth charges had caused considerable damage to the
conning tower and Bow but the remaining hull and radio antennae and open hatch were in
tact. was in my element, right there and then and knew it.

Day 3 of my time in Chuuk was equally unforgettable but in a totally different way. As anyone
will ever tell you who has been, Paradise is a double edged sword. %hat Bounty Bar or
Corona advert will have you believing it is all about the white sand, the crystal clear water and
the warmth of the sun. Many people think they have found Paradise but this is usually on a
package holiday to Mexico or the Mediterranean and they ware usually nursing a hangover at
the time. Does Paradise actually exist anyway and does it mean something different to each
one of us?

Well, for the sake of a good argument, on Day 3 found Paradise and have to say, loved it!
didn't know it at the time, but it was rare for the Odyssey to have the time for a day out. %ime
is a luxury the Odyssey can seldom afford. %he boat is exceptionally successful and busy.
When we think about success, we may think of a full diary of bookings for a couple of weeks,
possibly a couple of months. When was the last time you tried to book a hotel and be told it
was full for the foreseeable future or a restaurant that was booked ever day for 6 months?
%he Odyssey is full, not just for weeks or months but for years ahead. Since it arrived in
Chuuk in 000, it was an instant hit. %he owners had aimed to be ranked among the worlds
best within 3 years. n fact, it was rated the worlds best liveaboard for its first 3 years, 000,
001 and 00.

%he majority of her guests are Americans, mostly booked via dive shops and all 16 guests
tend to know each other. %rying to secure all 16 places on such a successful boat incurs a -3
year waiting list. Honestly, have you ever heard of a business that can claim to be so popular
and has a 90% occupancy rate or higher, year after year? certainly haven't. Add the fact it is
tricky to get to from all directions (30 hours from London and NY, 0+ hours from LA or
Sydney) and it is even more remarkable.

Chuuk Lagoon is a collapsed volcano and it is the perimeter wall of the volcano that forms the
coral reef or atoll that surrounds the lagoon. %here are very few deep water passes into the
Lagoon itself and the perimeter is an almost intact chain of small islands and reefs linking
them all together. From the air, the views are truly breathtaking. %he colour of the sea is as
you could only imagine, the sand is brilliant white and each island is covered in coconut trees.
You could not dream of a more idyllic location. Each island is owned by a Chuukese family,
handed down through the generations. %here is little paperwork to back these claims but in
such a primitive culture, your word is your bond and is accepted.

Having paid the princely sum of $100 or so, the Odyssey had permission to visit to one such
island for the day. All Crew and family were invited to join the picnic. Anchoring just off the
beach, we took it in turns to take everyone and refreshments ashore for the day. ust as it
had been for my family holidays to Cornwall, it is amazing how much crap goes on a day trip
and as ever, the picnic was always going to be far more food than we would usually eat, but
what the hell. Because had only been on the boat for a couple of days and nights, was still
an unknown quantity to the Crew and vice versa but that did not make me feel any less
welcomed. %he warmth these guys showed me was truly wonderful. Having lived overseas for
many years by this time, was used to meeting new people and just getting on with it. Being
10

homesick was not an option, at least not to me. have never felt homesick and if did, was
in the wrong job in the wrong part of town that is for sure. Chuuk was by far the most isolated
place on earth had ever been to but found this incredibly exciting.

used to get a kick out being the first member of the family to have set foot on a new land, but
being the youngest, this was a little tricky. Now, was getting a kick out of being one of a few
Brits who had ventured to Chuuk and on this day, loved the idea was one of a select few
people on earth who had ever set foot on this particular island.

%he island was tiny. By small, we are talking about taking a stroll and coming back to the start
position within 5 minutes! %ucked up just inside the outer reef, the beaches were protected
from the Pacific. As the tide dropped, you could walk across the sand to the neighbouring
island. One of the family owners had built a shelter and used it for fishing the outer reef,
returning to the island to shelter from the storms and high seas. He had obviously been out
looking for octopus over night and had left them to dry out, draped over some drift wood.
Although would prefer to see octopus alive and well in the water, it is also interesting to see
such a basic and sustainable way of life. Man hunts, man catches, man eats, man stays alive.
As long as this practice is not interfered with, man can live like this for centuries but for how
much longer can he survive?

As the Crew played volleyball in between the coconut trees, kept score, badly. Lunch was
cooked by the ladies as was the tradition. Man hunts. Woman cooks. %hey are happy enough
to do this and are happy to accept help but would be wise to realise this relationship pretty
soon. Words would be said if should try to take over the cooking. Fair enough. Probably best
to take refuge in the hammock with an ice cold Coke, lie back and think of England. England
does not look like this place that is for sure.

After lunch, found a chair and went and plopped it in the ankle deep water. As the Noel
Coward song goes, only 'Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun'. could think
of no better place to sit and ponder my future as looked at the crystal sea, the swaying
palms with the hush of the breakers in the distance. didn't realise until much later that Cara
had taken a photo of me as sat there, by myself. t is one of my favourite photos, even
though you cannot really recognise it is me. She was awarded an honorary mention in a
competition with it as well. As with the good things in life, it came to an end all too quickly, the
boat pulled anchor and we made our way back to the home mooring. From now on, it was
going to be busy days ahead.


11

hapter 29
When Is A Boat Not A Boat, But A Wreck?


%he Odyssey is a 40m (133ft) liveaboard dive boat. Liveaboard is the industry term for a boat
that is basically a floating hotel, especially designed for divers. Occasionally, a dive boat is
custom made but the majority are re-fitted boats from another industry. have been on some
old fishing boats and Crew boats for the oil rigs. %he Odyssey begun life as a small cruise
ship in Fiji and have to say, it is considerably more comfortable than most and don't just
say that because worked on it. As you can imagine, trying to buy an old boat and reconfigure
it to the diving world is easier said than done and incurs considerable expense, not to mention
the blood, sweat and tears for those involved. Having been to the hell hole of wet and dry
dock in %rinidad, take my hat off to the guys who work in such places. %he old adage may
well be true for a lot of boat owners, be they commercial or recreational sailors, '%here are
only good days for a Boat owner, the day he buys it and the day he sells it'. Pretty harsh
words as there are invariably happy times in between, but boats are continuous money pits
unless they can be managed well and then you can reduce it to a shallower money pit.

When first arrived on Phi Phi, the principal liveaboard territory of the Similan and Surin
islands was open throughout the year, come rain or shine. However, as more and more boats
failed to reach their destinations without some sort of issue, the %hai authorities closed the
marine parks during the Off Season when the weather was at its worse. t was not unheard of
for passenger carrying boats to either break down or even sink! t was a similar story in the
Red Sea. %oo many boats were not actually reaching the %histlegorm wreck and so the
Egyptian authorities banned any single screw boat from going there. With fewer boats left to
ply the waters, people got upset and the ruling was overturned.

have a number of favourite stories of bad boats but 3 of them make me laugh more than the
rest. t is a touch unfortunate but all of them were in Amazing %hailand.

%he diving in Phi Phi attracts a large number of tourists and so required a lot of dive shops
and nstructors to manage them all, supply and demand and all that. Having upwards of 0
dive shops in a small village is pretty incomprehensible to many. magine having 0 butchers
in one village or 0 pubs (ahh, just think of that for a second). Anyway, with so many shops,
there were also lots of boats. %here were some big ones, some small ones, some new ones,
some not so new. n some ways, just like cars, each boat has its many advantages and
disadvantages.

%he poorer dive shops tended to use the small and traditional Long %ail boats. Put more than
a couple of people in them with all the Scuba tanks and gear and it tends to get a bit busy.
%he big advantage to this type of boat however, would be its size and speed. Powered by a
bloody great tractor engine, these things could cover the distance in no time at all. %hey could
also drop off and pick up divers in the tight spaces. However, climbing back on an oversized
canoe is not the easiest job in the world. %he next stage up was a reconditioned %hai fishing
boat or certainly something that was not originally a dive boat. %hese would be much larger
and offered more comfort and room. However, even the best designer could rarely hide the
fact the dive deck area was somewhat hit and miss, with people falling over each other as
they clambered to get their gear together. Some boats were better than others but most had
issues.

was very fortunate. Scrub that. had actually chosen to not just study with, but also
requested to work for, Moskito Diving before setting foot on the island. Heinz took great care
and pride in his shop, the service it provided and his 3 boats were exemplary. t is true each
boat began life in the fishing industry but when he bought and refitted them, rather than keep
the original design and try to work around it, he chose the longer and more expensive route
which was to strip the boat to its keel and rebuild it in the design he actually wanted. For a
guy who had a background in selling dodgy stuff to dodgy overnments, he certainly knew
1

how to design a good boat. Nautica was his second largest boat and still remains the best day
boat have ever been on, let alone dive from.

After another pleasant and successful day on the sea, we returned to port in Phi Phi in the
usual manner. As Nautica made its way passed other boats towards its permanent mooring, a
bunch of us noticed a lot of people on the inter-island ferry looking at something in the water.
t was not long before we could all see it, or not see it was more to the point. One of the island
dive boats had sunk, right there on its mooring, in full view of the ferry and jetty. Not only was
it sad (but funny) to see this boat had sunk, perhaps the most embarrassing part was the only
part of the boat remaining above the water line was the fly bridge. ust to add insult to injury,
written in bold lettering around the fly bridge was the website address of the dive shop. can
honestly say cannot remember the name of the shop which is probably for the best. Perfect
advertising in normal circumstances but don't think they had too many customers in the
following days. %hey managed to raise the boat within 4 hours but alas, it sunk again soon
after and was eventually hauled off to Phuket for some more double sided sticky tape to glue
it back together.

have seen many, probably too many dive videos over the years. Home made ones are
played endlessly in dive destinations around the world, tempting divers into an amazing shop
that can show them not only a turtle, but a beautiful girl in a bikini. Every one of them plays
the obligatory background music of 'Pure Shores' by All Saints. have to say, still have this
tune on my iPod as a reminder of the island and a magical time in my life. One day, was
milling about the shop with my colleague iles when we somehow got on the topic of wrecks,
dive videos and had ever dived a sinking boat? Well, have to admit, that was a new one on
me and thus, the Moskito Diving guide to diving a sinking boat was formally plucked from the
video library.

Now do remember the name of the shop involved but to protect the guilty, will refrain from
naming them, though it does have the ring of a well known credit card company. Anyway, this
boat had been in minor trouble for a couple of days. ts engines were packing up or
something which generally leads to other issues within the engine room. On one such
occasion, the boat radioed over to Nautica to ask if they would be prepared to give them a
tow back to Phi Phi. As soon as the divers were all back on board, Nautica duly powered over
to the foundering boat and took it under tow. %he video picked up from this moment. Nautica,
being a big beast with ample horsepower, made light work of towing this other boat which is
not a small canoe by any means. As Nautica was steaming from Phi Phi Lei to Phi Phi Don, it
was clear to see the limping boat was taking on water. Nautica gradually came to a stop,
taking care to prevent the other boat shunting it up the rear end. %hey didn't really need to
worry about this too much, as the floundering boat was not actually moving forward, it was
going down!

First thing first, the tow ropes needed to be released otherwise Nautica would be pulled under
too. %he next part of the video was hilarious, well for me anyway. iles and the other guy with
the camera, geared up and jumped in. think the official reason for doing so was to try and
retrieve some items from the boat before it sunk to the bottom. %he channel between the
islands can be around 60m (00ft) which is not an impossible depth but very restrictive. f
iles could retrieve some tanks or gear before it sank, so much the better. However, it was
plain to see that iles and his mate weren't really trying too hard to retrieve any gear and
don't blame them. Once the boat took on so much water and it began to sink, it could have
gone down very quickly, taking them with it and could have turned this mess into a tragedy.
nstead, the video clearly showed fully grown men being boys and having a unique moment,
diving a boat as it becomes wreck.

My final sinking feeling was once again on Phi Phi. t sounds as if really have it in for this
place but don't. t was just a huge resource of funny stories. Ok, not everything about Phi Phi
was funny but had my fair share of them. From what had heard, days before arrived on
the island, a small %hai fishing boat had sunk off Phi Phi Lei, very close to Maya Bay and thus
in full view of hundreds of divers. t was a simple boat, probably home made and basically
made from bamboo and little else. t was no more than 10m (33ft) long, had a tiny little engine
compartment and a couple of fishing men on board when it sunk for unknown reasons. t had
13

sunk in about 0m (66ft) of water, resting on a bed of sand linking reefs together. t was
easy to find and fun to have a look at.

My colleagues had not told me about this little boat before made my first dive there, so it was
quite exciting to find it. Perhaps the funniest part of the wreck was the make shift flag.
Someone had found the Captains treasured underpants and they were now 'flying' in the
current off the Stern. think they were blue Y-fronts if memory serves.

Liveaboard boats are found throughout the world, covering waters that may or may not be
accessible by diving day boats. %he general mentality of all divers who chose the liveaboard
boat is to spend almost the entire time doing one of 4 things; eating, drinking, diving or
sleeping. Unlike a cruise ship that tends to sail a predetermined route, stopping off at islands
or ports along the way for a spot of shopping or some sort of land excursion, the liveaboard
stays out at sea for a week or so at a time. %he guests may never actually get the chance to
go on land but this is not the reason for coming diving in the first place.

Staying in a hotel or resort with a dive operation attached to it is the most common way divers
spend their vacation. was diving off these day boats in %hailand, Aruba and St. Kitts. As you
would imagine, they would simply operate in coastal waters and each diving day would
involve between 1 and 3 dives before returning to land and back to the resort for a in &
%onic at sunset. f the guest wanted to dive each day, this was fine. f they preferred to take a
day off and sit on the beach, this was fine as well. %his system allows great flexibility but the
diving can be restrictive, busy and damaged. %he liveaboard tends to allow the diver to move
further offshore, into areas that are unavailable to the day boats and so, with less traffic the
sites tend to be more pristine, or so the theory goes.

On paper, a liveaboard looks a more expensive way to dive but this is often not the case. %he
Odyssey offers up to 5 dives a day, a free bar and all inclusive food, so once on board you
can put your wallet away. f the intention is to dive a lot, it can be a far more enjoyable and
cost effective way. Another reason for diving from them is they are quite simply the only
possible way to visit some of the more remote sites like the alapagos or Southern Red Sea.
Another benefit is you are not as exposed to the elements as you would be on a day boat. On
a lovely hot and sunny day, day boats can be great, but if it is wet and windy, would far
rather be on a larger boat, sheltered from the elements with a hot chocolate waiting after the
dive. took great pleasure on wafting a in & %onic at other divers on the day boats as it was
pissing it down with rain.

As opposed to the liveaboard had worked on in the Caymans, the Odyssey had the right
complement of Crew. %he huge disadvantage of working in an area such as the Caymans, is
the cost involved. Employing 5 Crew is not particularly cheap so the common solution is to
pay the Crew peanuts but allow them to reap the rewards via tips or gratuities but this can be
somewhat hit or miss. %he week was on board with them, each Crew member made over
500 ($800) in tips alone. My share was sweet fuck all!

%ipping in %hailand is rare but occasionally someone would stump up some cash. remember
diving with a Canadian for a couple of days and at the end of it, he handed me a tip to buy a
beer with. Fair enough except it was not enough for a beer. A beer cost 60 baht (1 or $1.6).
He had given enough for a can of Coke. On the other hand, working with mostly Americans in
Aruba, tipping was common and could live on this and put my wages into the bank. %he
apanese culture is not to tip after the event but to present a gift in advance. ifts ranged
from seaweed to digital cameras.

A few memories stand out from Aruba. was tipped $150 (over 90) for a DSD course that
didn't even cost that amount. was also tipped before had done anything apart from give the
guy a weight belt (he wanted me to know he liked what he had heard from me and basically
could look after him). %he cruise ship divers were generally crap at tipping and this just
added to our disdain! %hey were very needy and hard work and we seldom gained from them.
%he dive boats in Aruba had a tip jar, very blatantly placed on the dive deck for those who
wished to, to slip in a note or . %his would then be shared equally among the Crew,
regardless of our role for the day. On one occasion, all guests left the boat, leaving us
1.80 ($3) between 5 of us! had to laugh. My South African colleague didn't see the funny
14

side of it however and before the guests were all off the boat, he slammed the money on floor
and stamped all over it. %o me, this was extremely disrespectful but he was having none of it.
He shouted and screamed for a moment, had a winge and then one of the other Crew lumped
him. %hat soon shut him up.

Back on the Odyssey, was not sure how well off would be financially but this has always
been a secondary part for wanting to be an nstructor. My rough plan had always been to pay
my way as worked around the world and if could save anything, so much the better.
actually kept a spreadsheet of all my earnings and am glad did.

%hailand had been almost a complete write off. worked 13 hour days, days a week with
little time off apart from the occasional trip to Phuket. had saved 300 ($500) in 18 months
but had had a good time? You betcha.

Aruba was far better. worked there for a year, almost living entirely off tips. was legally
restricted to working 10 days in 14 and 9 hour days. earned 308 ($493) a week on average,
working 50 of the 5 weeks was there. By the time left, had saved 10,80 ($1,311) in
the Caribbean Mercantile Bank. Moving it from Aruba to the UK was a mess. t went from
Aruba to the Netherlands but then disappeared and no one seemed to know where. A couple
of sweaty weeks later, it re-emerged in my Aruban account. By now, was in the USA and
made alternative arrangements.

%he Windjammer Polynesia was not the best pay in the world, nor the best tips (the company
would actively ask the guests not to tip more than $5 a head). %here were 110 guests and
35 Crew. Having said that, living on a boat meant had no expenses. rarely spent anything
apart from the weekly internet, ice cream and Saturday night ashore and if was with guests,
they tended to pay for beers anyway. averaged 340 ($545) a week and saved a further
6150 ($9840) in the 5 months on board. %his was 90% of my tax free earnings.

St. Kitts was not the best on tips, mainly because we were relatively quiet, but my secondary
income from the lobsters more than made up from it. Weekly earnings rose to 350 ($560) a
week, a blend of a low wage but a nice slice of commission from the courses and from the
lobsters. had earned more than 500 ($4000) from the bugs in less than 10 months. Due to
paying rent and other stupid living expenses, was not able to save as much as before, but
still walked off the island with a nice wad of cash.

Odyssey was the best pay day to date, but for certainly had to earn it at times but in a highly
enjoyable way. ended up doing tours of Chuuk. On the first occasion, averaged over
490 ($90) a week and saved 1,600 ($34,600) over 18 months, roughly 60% of my
earnings. Although was on a boat and had no week to week expenses, worked 9 months a
year and had some expensive holidays! later returned to the Odyssey for another year in
009. Despite the recession, earned more, taking weekly earnings to 500 ($800). walked
off the island with over 0,30 ($3,30), 0% of my total.


15

hapter 30
"If You Want To Run From The Law, Just Hide In A PothoIe"


had to come to Chuuk having signed a year long contract with 3 months paid vacation. My
schedule was basically to work solidly for around 3 or 4 months without any days off. My
vacation was up to 6 weeks at a time as it was simply not worth the energy or the price to
take short breaks, as the cost of leaving the island is so high. Continental Micronesia have the
monopoly in the air and it is well known, the profits they make in Micronesia and the Pacific
islands help prop up the busier and cheaper routes in the US. Flying from Chuuk to uam
was only a 90 minute flight, but could easily set you back over 430 ($00) for an economy
return trip. On one occasion, was able to fly all the way from the UK to uam for a fraction
more than the 90 minute hop. %ell me wasn't being ripped off, please?

Chuuk has very little infrastructure which at first put down to poverty. t is not quite that
simple. Corruption is more likely to be the main reason why the country is in such a shit state.
Certainly, the locals seem to blame their corrupt politicians and police for the problems.
Stepping off the plane in Chuuk is akin to stepping back in time. %he first visual evidence of
the mess is undoubtedly the road. Now we all complain about the state of the roads in the UK
and elsewhere, how the pot holes are so big you may even spill your double cappuccino with
chocolate sprinkles on top as you are driving. Occasionally, someone trips or sprains their
ankle as they miss the curb and the world caves in around them. t seems the best thing is to
write to your local Member of Parliament and then sue the bastards who caused you such an
inconvenience. Chuuk doesn't have just any old potholes. %he best description heard for the
state of the roads was,

"f you want to run from the Law, just go and hide in a pothole.

%hese holes are more like lakes. Stretching for as far as the eye can see, they can drop
below sea level. Small children and dogs have been lost to the depths am sure. %hey
certainly smell like that. Entire cars disappear and are lost for eternity. %here is no such thing
as a brand new car on the island, there are no dealers or spare parts for that matter. Hell,
even finding fuel can be an ordeal at various times of the year. Vehicles are shipped over
from uam and tend to be a choice of nationalities rather than models. You can have
apanese or American, now take your pick. %he apanese tended to be cheaper and more
stylish but my American colleagues would always choose substance and Nationalism over
style. %he American vehicle was more likely to be made of steel rather than plastic and in an
environment where the potholes would eat it far quicker than any sea salt could take hold,
sometimes strength was better. round clearance was a factor in choosing wisely as well. t
needed to have the height and strength of a tank to make it on to Lenny's options list. Minor
details such as Air Con or a Radio were luxuries. Chances are the air con would pack up
within minutes and apart from Church FM and a couple of other stations which played
incessant Chuukese chants, the radio was about as useful as a Vegetarian in an abattoir.

%he US has reduced its donations to Chuuk since independence in the mid 80's and no one
seems to have done a thing to the roads. %here aren't too many of them anyway. As the
tarmac wore down, sand and coral has been used to plug the gaps. For a day or this can
work, but then it rains. Unfortunately it rains a lot in Chuuk, about 3.6m (1ft) each year.
Before you know it, the rain washes all the dirt away and the holes are opened up once more.
%ravelling by boat tends to be the best method of travel, especially between islands but on a
wet day, you can almost take the boat right up the high street.

Chuuk is one of those places you need to maintain a sense of humour. Once this goes, you
have had it and the place will eat your soul. Expect the unexpected and who knows what is
possible. Some aspects of life there were very efficient. t was the only place had worked
overseas, where had a working permit waiting for me at the airport. even managed to
secure a proper, plastic driving licence. didn't need to take a local test or even show my UK
licence, simply showed up and paid for it. Presumably all Whiteys can drive. t is something
16

we learn from birth perhaps? %he fact that my first licence came back stating had blue hair
and blonde eyes made the place seem all the more 'romantic'.

had been told that whilst was at the Police station collecting my licence, it would have been
rude not to have had a look at its prison. A huge part of me hoped this would be the one and
only time got to see the prison. could smell it before could see it.

As you can imagine, a prison is a reflection of a civilisation and to some extent, an economy.
UK prisoners are apparently well cared for, with %V, hot food and water and generally not too
much to moan about. Even the worst of the worst are treated with more respect than they
probably deserve. No such luck on Chuuk. Prison in Chuuk is Hell. For starters, the Police are
well known to be corrupt and are a pretty useless bunch to say the least. %hey may carry a
badge or wear a uniform but that does not count for much. Far more important would be who
they are. From what could tell, the majority of the Police were ex-convicts who had served
time in uam and Hawaii mostly. %he Chuukese don't seem to travel terribly well it seems.
For whatever reason, once they are released, they head back to Chuuk and if their Uncle or
some other family is in the Police, then they become an officer of the Law as well.

f there is money in the kitty, the Police could use their boat to go and kick some ass on
another island. f the money was gone, they could only operate on the main island of Weno.
%hey had a couple of pick-up trucks to play around in though the roads did not allow anyone
to actually exceed the 15 mile speed limit. n fact, had been on the island for several months
before heard there was such a law.

Apprehending a guy was not so much as handcuffs and reading him his rights, but more like a
complete beating, before being stuffed in the back of the pick up and hauled back to base. t
was well known the Police would beat anyone up, for any reason they saw fit. Each island
had its own island Police and to some extent, their own laws and rather like on Phi Phi and
Aruba, each island wanted to deal with its own citizens in-hand, rather than be paid a visit by
the municipal Police. Likewise, if you were facing jail, it would best to serve this on your own
island, not hauled back to Weno.

%he Prison was a long hut with a corrugated tin roof. n this tropical environment, it was
unbearably hot and sweaty. When it rained, could well imagine the noise from the tin roof.
As the Police man ushered me to the door and allowed me to peak in, the heat and rancid
smell hit me. Row upon row of basic bunk bed frames, at least 4 beds high with little more
than a wire frame and basic mattress. %he residents were wallowing about in their own mess,
some sleeping, some walking about in the semi dark, looking at me, looking at them. %hese
guys were being punished in the true manner of the word. Most of them would be there for a
week or less as most of the crimes were alcohol related. Once they had had time to sober up,
they would be kicked back out onto the streets.

Perhaps worse than all, it wasn't only the prisoners who were being punished but their
families as well. %he Police could barely afford fuel for their boat and there was certainly no
money to feed these guys. f they wanted to survive their internment (it was unlikely they
would ever been tried in a Court), their family needed to feed and water them. f the family
was from another island, someone would need to move to Weno and be close to the prison.
Food could be brought in daily but there was no where to store it. Each meal needed to be
delivered when required otherwise it would simply be stolen. For as long as the prison was
locked up, to all intense purposes, his family would be too.

One of my favourite memories was trying to officially register for a Social Security number.
%he Americans could move to and live on Chuuk with little paperwork and their SS number
was valid on the island. Likewise, under the Compact of Free Association between the FSM
and US overnments, FSM citizens could move to the US mainland (or more likely to uam
and Hawaii) without too much hassle. on the other hand, was a Brit abroad and so needed
to register for the Social Security so that could pay my taxes, all 4% of them.

Lenny and went to the Social Security department on a %uesday. remember it was a
%uesday because it was not a Wednesday. OK, so what difference does a %uesday have over
a Wednesday? Well, quite a lot if you want to register for a Social Security number. f you can
1

picture the 'Computer Says No' character from Little Britain, met my 'obsworth' on a
%uesday in Chuuk.

"Hello, would like to apply for a Social Security number please. s this the right place?
"t is the right place, but you need to come back on a Wednesday. %oday is %uesday.

"Yes, am aware it is a %uesday, but why do need to come back tomorrow?
"Wednesday is Social Security day. %oday is %uesday and cannot help you until
tomorrow.

"Alrighty then. Problem is, work on a boat and coming in tomorrow is pretty inconvenient, so
if we can sort this out today, would be very thankful.
"Sir, cannot help you today. f you return tomorrow, on Wednesday, can help you.

"OK then. So, if return tomorrow, who do need to speak to and what do need to do to
apply for my Social Security number?
"You can apply here, with me and fill in this form (hands it to me). You also need to
pay $3. can complete your application immediately.

"Hang on, let me get this straight. You want me to complete this form and pay you $3 but on a
Wednesday. %here is no way can get you to help me today, because as we all know, today
is %uesday.
"Sir, that is correct. Complete the form, bring the $3 tomorrow and can help you.

4 hours later, returned to this sad pink office. My friend was once more all alone in her
office with a typewriter in front of her. smiled. She didn't.

"Hi there. Me again. have your form, here is your $3 and 'll wait right over here.

%he lady took my form and money, sat at her desk and typed. Within minutes, she was
finished, had my card and was out the door. %his had been a good Wednesday.


18

hapter 31
AII AIone, Surrounded By PeopIe


Working and living on a boat is not for everyone that is for sure, but really enjoyed it. n
some ways am quite a shy person but at the same time, really enjoy meeting new and
interesting people. t is one of my contradictions. Sometimes would strike lucky and have a
great time with the guests, occasionally would struggle to figure them out. Sometimes,
would really connect with someone that a colleague of mine could not crack, other times it
could be reversed. A boat is a microcosm and comes with advantages and its disadvantages.

Let's start with the commute to work shall we? When working in London, was happy to
commute by train, car or tube but generally tried to keep this to less than an hour at each end
of the day. Commuting to work, especially in the dark winter months, has to rate as the most
depressing and soulless time of your life. What a waste of time, to be sat in traffic in the rain,
in the dark. Far better to be cuddling up to your lover and eating chocolate cake! My last job in
London required a daily commute in the Bat Mobile. Depending on the weather and traffic, it
took between 45 to 90 minutes.

Living in Phi Phi was a real tonic. lived in 5 different parts of the village. My commute was
always on foot and always a very enjoyable part of the day, even in the dark or in the rain.
Hell, was still better off than 99% of readers. think my furthest commute was about 18
minutes but this was along Loh Dalum Bay, one of the worlds prettiest places and besides,
got to gawp at beautiful Scandinavian women sunning their bits, so it was not too tough. %he
closest lived to Moskito Diving was a 3 second commute, though could double this if
dropped my sunglasses.

Aruba was a tougher commute. nitially it was on foot, along a busy road and had to listen to
a South African dope head for the 15 minutes each way. After a week of this, took to jogging
it or make a detour to McDs or Dunkin Donuts just to get away from his constant drivel. After
a month moved a couple of more times, got a bike (which fell off occasionally) and reduced
the tiresome journey to about 4 minutes. have to say though, walking along the Marriot
beach was not exactly a chore and the view was a lovely start to the morning.

%he Polynesia cruise ship was my favourite commute to date. As the Dive Mate, was not
officially a full time Crew member like the Captain or 1
st
Officer etc. and so was far more
flexible in what could do and where did it. %hat also meant my accommodation would be
flexible as well. For a month or so, was had to move cabins constantly. Sometimes shared
with other Crew, sometimes was on my own. %he worst place was the formal Crew cabin in
the Bow. Living with the Crew was fine, they were a great bunch of guys from uyana and
were very friendly and respectful. My problem was the bunk bed. t was so small, had to slip
into bed like a snake and once was in, could not move. t was so tiny, could not actually
turn over because my shoulder would hit the bed above. As a scientific test, tried to wear a
baseball cap in bed, but the peak would touch the bed above as well. t was very
claustrophobic.

Luckily, there was a cabin in the Stern which was deemed unsuitable for guests. Apparently it
was a little damp but didn't think so. Best of all, had it all to myself apart from sharing with
Santa Claus and the rest of the Christmas decorations. actually had 4 beds to choose from
and my own en-suite. could entertain in private and perhaps best of all, it was directly below
the dining area and my commute to work was just 1 steps with a hot breakfast ready and
waiting every single day.

St. Kitts involved having to work pretty hard which rather worryingly, almost made it a proper
job. Auston gave me his pick up truck to use which was great, as the cost of cars on small
islands tends to be absurdly high, simply due to supply and demand. would pick up Auston
each morning, stop by the gas station for some fuel, drinking water and bottles of soft drinks
19

for the days guests and then continue on down to the dive shop. All in all, it took about 0
minutes or so.

We rarely had any traffic, perhaps a reflection that the Kittians were not in a hurry to do
anything constructive. almost ran over a man in St. Kitts. As is the norm in the Caribbean,
there is the annual Carnival which is just an excuse for one big party, normally involving
copious amounts of alcohol, whistles, shouting and dancing. Having lived in Holland Park in
West London for 4 years, was used to the Notting Hill Carnival which would pass by my flat
each year. People bang on about Notting Hill as if it is the dogs bollocks. o to Aruba. Now
there is a Carnival to celebrate and it is a damn site prettier view and goes on for a couple of
weeks, not just 48 hours.

%he morning after the night before, was driving through Basseterre with Auston on the way
to the dive shop and had to do a 3 point turn due to the road being blocked off from the night
before. As manoeuvred the truck (which had a wicked blind spot) across the road and
reversed up the kerb, we heard a funny murmur from the back of the vehicle. Auston opened
his door and leant out, did too fearing had pranged his truck. n fact, had inadvertently
reversed right up to a local guy who up until 3 seconds ago, had been unconscious in the
gutter. Luckily, had not actually run him over but was mighty close. As we got out to
investigate, he was back to snoring away, tucked up under the tail gate of the pick-up. He
seemed happy enough to sleep off the nights festivities and so we left him where he was and
carried on to work. doubt if he ever realised had inadvertently woken him up.

%he Odyssey was another great commute. Sharing a cabin with one of the Crew, we had an
ensuite bathroom but actually shared this with the other 3 male Crew members but that was
fine. would rise from bed at 05:45 each morning, brush my teeth, walk up stairs and bingo,
was at work. Breakfast would always be ready for me and the hardest choice was cereal or
scrambled eggs and bacon. Sometimes, you just had to have both.

f you suffer from sea sickness then life on the seas may not be fore you, but have to say the
Odyssey is an incredibly stable boat. enerally, most people get sick if the boat rolls from
side to side. Being a relatively wide boat .3m (4 ft) she would pitch up and down a little but
suffered from very little roll. Certainly, she was the first boat had been on where the coffee
pot was not bolted down.

%he Odyssey takes 16 diving guests each week. %hey join the boat late on Sunday night and
depart again early the following Sunday morning. %he boat would be at sea in the Lagoon the
entire time and the guests would not set foot on shore at all during this time. t was unheard of
for any of the guests to be desperate to get back to shore anyway. By the end of the week,
most were dreading having to leave its comforts and friendliness. Even with 16 guests and 9
Crew, the design of the boat did not feel cramped. %he dining area is very spacious and in
addition to serving the meals, would often be used as an air conditioned room for a chat over
a coffee or a beer. %here was always a selection of snacks throughout the day, whether it was
a freshly baked cake, the freshest Sushi in the world or my favourite, M&Ms. Mars may call
them M&Ms and intend them to be a chocolate treat but in diving terms, these pills are a life
saver and serve a vital purpose. Decompression Sickness is a life threatening condition for all
divers. Hydration is the best way of trying to prevent it in the first place but also a handful of
these magic Deco Pills would undoubtedly save my life! OK, no need to take that too
seriously or literally but we all need our vices and so if you can pretend that something bad is
actually good for you, then which is it, good or bad?

%he Dive Deck was my home from home. As the lead nstructor on board, my role was wide
and varied which loved but ultimately ran the Dive Deck, coordinating the uides with the
guests, trying to ensure everyone got to dive in a manner that suited them and made them
happy and confident. Some divers prefer to dive alone or in Buddy teams of or 3. Some
prefer to swim on the outside of the wrecks, others wanted to get in and penetrate them to
their core. Occasionally they could do this alone but more often than not, they wanted or
required a uide to show them the way. For sure, you can enter the wreck and sniff your way
about seeing some interesting things, but most guests very quickly realised the value of the
uide was not to hold their hand and check their gauge (which were happy to do anyway) but
was actually to get you into the back of beyond and show you some 'really cool shit'. %here
130

was no way on earth a diver, virgin to these waters, was going to be able to see certain things
without a uide. For starters, most would be well beyond their personal limitations and
comfort zone. f you want to scare the crap out of someone, ask them if they would be
comfortable jumping into water, dropping 40m (10ft) to the wreck and then penetrating well
beyond the light zone, twisting and turning their way around an engine room, stopping to look
at compressors, gauges, light switches etc. Hell, we may as well add human remains to that
list as well.

My role and that of the uides was to lead divers into the wrecks in a responsible and
respectful manner, allowing them to dive in a safe way whilst ensuring they had an
unforgettable experience. %he diving in Chuuk is one of those rare places where you could
make hundreds of dives and could have totally different experiences on each occasion. Diving
reefs can be beautiful but also a bit Same-Same. You cannot use that phrase in Chuuk, well
not in my humble opinion anyway.

On a couple of occasions, a guest would slide up beside me and ask if appreciated really
did have the best job in the world. Funnily enough, had actually applied for that position, as
advertised by the Queensland %ourist board and failed miserably. For me, it was true. was
living my very personal dream. What could really be better, in a professional capacity anyway,
than to be paid to do what you have a passion for, were good at and knew others were able to
benefit from your experience?

For me, as soon as had dived Chuuk for a few weeks, from a professional diving
perspective, sensed that this could well be the epitome of my career. %here are dozens of
world class sites around the world and for sure, it is my intention to go and dive them, but the
Odyssey in Chuuk was allowing me to dive in a world class destination, was treated by
respect by the team, the owners and the guests. Basically, was being pretty well paid to live
my passion. t really was a bit of dream come true.

However, it was not all one way traffic and the rewards also demanded a considerable
sacrifice. Living in a bunk bed at the age of 34 is perhaps not my best memory. Working 80-
100 hour weeks with almost no time off in months is perhaps a little tricky at times and with
almost no spare time between charters, it was hard to let off steam. Occasionally when things
got a little tricky, simply jumped overboard and headed into the depths by myself and took
time to contemplate what really wanted and what was important in life. n an ideal world,
would disappear off a wreck and go and find a shark to mess about with. tell you, spending 5
minutes with a wild predator like that just completely chilled me out and before knew it,
would completely forget what was troubling me in the first place. Don't bother with
Counselling. o and speak to the animals instead. After a while, they all start to make sense.
Seeing a Dolphin or a %urtle in the wild will put a smile on even the angriest of people.

Perhaps the worst part of the job was not the geographical isolation of being on a boat in
Chuuk, but more the loss of privacy. lived in a part of the world most people have never
heard of, let alone visited. %his only added to its allure in my opinion. When guests would ask
if was married or had someone waiting for me 'back home' wherever that may be, found
the simplest answer was just to say considered myself to be married to the boat and to some
extent, that was true. %rying to maintain the ultimate in long distance relationships was never
really going to happen. ust trying to work out the time difference before making a phone call
was tricky enough. %rying to actually call, get through and have an uninterrupted chat for
more than 0 minutes a week was almost impossible. f was ever going to think about
finding and keeping '%he One' then was resigned to the fact, would need to leave this boat,
perhaps even the diving world and go and live somewhere more 'normal'. Like most people in
the diving community, living the lifestyle had chosen, allowed me to almost run away from
reality. remember Chuck asking me once if ever felt lonely. My answer surprised myself as
much as it surprised her.

may be alone but am never lonely.

131

hapter 32
A Week In The Life Of A Diving Instructor


So, just in case you cared, let me try and explain a 'Week n %he Life of a Diving nstructor'.
Firstly, the work is intense and for months on end, there is no escape and little time to stop
and smell the roses. t is not all glitz and glamour believe me. Obviously we try to make the
diving experience as much fun as possible for the paying guest, but as with most things in life,
it takes considerable effort to make something look so effortless. would like to think that one
of my qualities is being organised and being able to communicate with people and these,
along with about a thousand other skills, are a really big part of the job did. Having fun was
not terribly difficult either but this had to be in alliance with maintaining a professional quality
and standards. Anyone can have fun. %he key is keeping alive to tell others about it. Sadly,
that does not always happen.

%he majority of the guests we welcomed each week (mostly from the USA) typically arrived in
Chuuk at 1:30 on a Sunday evening and they were collected at the airport by the Captain
and a couple of the local Crew. By the time they had found their bags, left the airport and
fallen in and out of the pot holes, it was :30 as they arrived at the Blue Lagoon Resort.
would meet them there, transfer them on to the large skiff and help bring them to the
Odyssey, moored just off the beach. %he guests would spend some time checking in,
providing evidence of diving credentials etc. have some food and drinks as well as an initial
safety briefing. Even though pitch black outside, it was still hot and humid on the dive deck.

Most of the guests set up their gear that night in preparation for an early morning. Some were
quick and organised and off to bed within the hour. Others could take over hours, fannying
about with kit, video cameras and a wide assortment of lights etc. t is truly amazing how
much divers rely on zip ties and duck tape to hold all their crap together, mine included. From
my point of view, these first impressions were a very important part of my week. Even if the
guests did not need our assistance with gear, adjusting or fixing stuff, was not alone in
watching them all. was not there to see who was sweating or who was prettier, but rather to
see who was on top of their game and who was struggling. %his 1 hour time frame allowed
me a strong indication of the standard of diver we had on board. n addition, would pay
attention to the roup Leader who tended to be the dive shop owner. He/She would be on a
working vacation for the week but it was always interesting to see their attitude at this time.
Some of the roup Leaders were immediately visible, happy to chat, to arrange things and
consult with me as to who needed help, who to look out for and who to let them get on with it.
A good roup Leader would be organised but not anal, friendly yet professional and willing to
put the best interests of the group ahead of their own. A bad roup Leader would be anti-
social, egotistical and generally a bit of an arse. saw them all. %he Crew would get to bed
just before 00:30 but sometimes later. t would be the culmination of an 18 hour day and this
was a weekly event.

would arise from my slumber at about 05:45, quickly realise it really was far too early to be
living, have a quick brush of the old dentures and head upstairs ensuring the rest of Crew
were at least alive, preferably awake and about to get up. would usually do this with a light
switch and occasionally singing 'Sweet Caroline' by Neil Diamond.

%here was a total of 9 Crew on board each week. 3 Whiteys and 6 locals.
1. Captain
.
nd
Captain or Videographer
3. Mechanic
4. Lead nstructor / Dive Deck manager
5. Chef
6. Stewardess
. uide 1
8. uide
9. Night watchman
13


%hose were our general roles but it was always a very flexible affair within certain parameters.
Whereas the Whiteys would work continuously for 3 6 months at a time, the locals were
divided in to teams and worked alternate weeks. %his allowed them to spend a week with
their families and then come back on board for a week, to get away from their families. t was
also to the boat's advantage as well as could call upon the uides to work longer hours at
times, knowing they would be off the following week and asides from catching fish and having
sex, by their own admittance they would not be doing a lot else.

%he Captain would drive the boat and maintain the safety of the Crew and the passengers.
He would also conduct the first briefing each morning. t is a fine line between keeping to a
schedule and being anal about timekeeping. A good Captain could make this 'look' effortless.
A bad one (and have seen a couple) would be egotistical, a bully and a cock!

%he
nd
Capt may drive the boat but also video the guests over the week and occasionally
teach courses. f the Captain was in the water or ashore for emails or other exciting chores,
the
nd
Capt would inevitably take over the reins if the boat needed to move. Creating a
weekly video was not as easy as it seems. t required painstaking detail, creativity and time
and this was a luxury not always available to us. t would be easy to imagine that once the
template had been created, it was simple to rattle off a new video each week, but this was
seldom possible. Each week needed new footage. %here is no point in showing crystal blue
water and clear skies, if it was pissing down with rain. Also, trying to video each guest could
be tricky and then add to that, making sure they looked good on camera was even trickier.

%he Mechanic would inevitably be messing about in the Engine room or in the cabins, or in
the galley etc. fixing air conditioning units or whatever had mucked up. No matter how good
the boat, things invariably break or mess up. %here was rarely a day when the Mechanic
(Mike) would not be fiddling with his tools and adjusting his nuts. He is one of the most
important people on any boat, a silent man-Angel. %he whole week could so easily turn
Southwards if he was not up to the task and we were lucky that the Odyssey had a fabulous
one, but more about him a little later.

would primarily run the diving, ensuring everyone was as happy as could make them. We
generally had or 3 uides available for each dive but this meant some passengers would
not be accompanied on every dive. Where possible, would ensure this was only for a single
dive and they would be guided on the next occasion. also made sure our uides obeyed the
rules, were aware of any issues and generally aimed to provide the smoothest and most
memorable experience possible. For a large part, think achieved this.

was also the lead nstructor on the boat. Although every guest was already a certified diver,
they occasionally chose to follow some Specialty courses on board, such as Enriched Air
(Nitrox), Wreck, Deep, Photography etc. Some courses were very simple, some a little more
technical which actually preferred. Being a PAD nstructor, there were guidelines to follow
which is fine but at the same, this was Chuuk Lagoon and so had opportunities to really
extend the divers abilities. Without sounding blas, the diving there is not entirely by the book
so you need to keep a bit of an open mind to really explore the place.

%he Air we breathe is 1% Oxygen by default, but we increased this to 30% on the boat and
this Enriched Air (or Nitrox) became our default for the week. We would often need to mix
additional gases for the more technically certified divers and would blend these mixes. We
could blend any mix from 1% to 100%, which is rare for most boats around the world.
Blending pure Oxygen can be incredibly dangerous and so great care needs to be taken with
this. t also required a high degree of concentration and although tucked up in the corner of
the dive deck, needed to almost shut myself away from the rest of the tasks and try not to
get drawn into conversation with the guests as it was so easy to muck it all up. At best, this
could cost money. At worst, could have blown up the boat.

%he Chef would cook from dawn until dusk. Breakfast was from 06:00 0:30 and as soon as
this was cleared away, then a mid morning snack was baked and presented by 09:30. %here
was always something fresh and tasty on offer after the first dive. My favourites were the
banana bread or the Magic cookies. Lunch was served at 1:00 and would be anything from
133

Burgers to %acos, Shredded Beef to Noodles. always loved lunch. By mid afternoon, there
was another snack. %he Sushi and Sashimi (never touched the stuff as don't eat any fish or
seafood) was very popular, as were the chicken wings and potato skins. Finally, dinner was
on the table at 18:30. Each night, there was a choice of meat or fish dish (always local %una
or Mahi) along with salads. loved Wednesday nights as it was Spaghetti Bolognese night
(my favourite) and if we could combine this with someone's birthday, got a slice of chocolate
birthday cake as well and could retire to my happy place in bed, feeling completely stuffed!

%he Stewardess would assist in the galley but also cleaned all the cabins, made all the beds
and the boat's laundry. %he Chef and Stewardess were very busy and on their feet from 05:00
to 0:30 each day, but never complained and were a delight to work with and talk to. Of
course, we all have our moments but these were few and far between. %he role of a
Chuukese woman is perhaps how it was in the UK, only 50 years ago. She would be there to
keep the house in order and put food on the table. f for any reason wandered in to the
galley having missed a meal (if have been ashore or underwater), they would drop what they
were doing and offer to help me. would never allow them cook something just for me but the
offer was always there and always genuine.

%he boat always had uides on the boat and both teams were fantastic. %hey were all very
close to each other and was close to them as well. %hey nicknamed me Chachan which
apparently means 'Brother' in Chuukese, but knowing them they were probably calling me a
'Wanker'! Each time we moved from wreck to wreck, the local guys would untie and then tie
us onto moorings. Some moorings were purposely kept on the surface and others were
submerged about 6m (0ft) underwater. %he surface moorings were easier to find but would
be knocked about by the waves and more likely to break, despite being made of heavy duty
steel cables, shackles and chain. %he idea behind the submerged moorings would be twofold.
Firstly, they would not be seen as a navigational aid by the locals who could aim for them and
occasionally hit them. Additionally, being underwater they were protected from the waves and
were less prone to being damaged and pulling on the shackles etc. Believe me, it all makes
sense really.

would like to think we were all great uides but we also had our individual talents. Kent or
rather '%he Man, %he Myth, %he Legend' as we called him, was a very quiet and unassuming
uide but an beautiful and effortless diver who knew the wrecks better than anyone else. He
would always frustrate me when would come up from a dive, thinking had just found
something astonishing or a new entrance to somewhere, whereas in fact, '%he Legend' had
found it in 1988!

Madison (Madi) was the smallest of the uides but what he lacked in size, he more than
made up for in personality and uniqueness. When first met Madi in 006, he had bottle
blonde hair which was growing out to reveal his black roots. think he had nicked the last of
some hair dye from Captain .. who had long hair and dyed it in his desperate last throws to
try and hold onto his youth. He failed and admitted defeat! Madi loves to sing and it doesn't
matter if this is on the surface or underwater, it would be continuous and always
incomprehensible. You would always hear Madi well ahead of actually seeing him, well he
was small. nicknamed him the 'Singing Bumblebee' though this lost its relevance when he
cut his hair and reduced to the usual Micronesian black. After that, he was simply annoying
(but loveable).

Madi is also a fascinating character in other ways. Small in stature, big in personality, he took
over the realm the Village Elder on the death of his predecessor. Being a kind soul, Madi told
the dying man he would care for his daughters and ensure they were OK. Actually, this meant
Madi would take 'real care' of the girls. %he eldest one was eligible, so became wife #1. When
the
nd
eldest was 'of age' then she became wife # and eventually wife #3 was accepted into
the fold. Oh and they shared a house, shared a bed and it brings a whole new meaning to the
children's lyrics

There were three in a bed
And the IittIe one said
"RoII over, roII over"
134

So they aII roIIed over
And one feII out

Madi always had a smile on his face.

Sam was a big guy but a complete softy at heart. got on incredibly well with Sam right from
the get-go and had great respect for him. %hough born and bread in Chuuk, as a teenager he
had been sent by his father to Oregon in the USA to further his education. He completed High
School, went on to University and into the US Army, ultimately learning to play with guided
missiles. t was not necessarily this part of his life was humbled by, but more the fact having
led a life in the West, he conscientiously returned to Chuuk to look after his ageing parents.
He must have found this incredibly tough but rarely admitted such a thing. He had been
educated, had a house, a car and everything we come to accept as a 'way of life'. He left all
this behind to return to a life in a under developed country. Sleeping on a mattress on a bare
floor, outside toilet and shower with only the basics in electricity supply, it must have been an
enormous upheaval.

Ken had been a relative newbie when first met him in 006 but had morphed into a
wonderful diver and uide. He had a pretty rough upbringing from what could gather.
Chuukese guys, guess like most of us around the world, are not particularly forthcoming in
their personal background and views and so trying to understand them was a little tricky but
with time, was able to glean more information about the Chuukese mentality as a whole and
these guys as individuals. Ken had been adopted as a child and made the relatively rare
occurrence of moving from one island to another with his new family. remember one of
Ken's first questions he had for me was about my religious beliefs. Was a Christian or
perhaps a Muslim? had only been on the boat a day or and was not aware of the impact of
religion in Chuuk so when the question was asked, was rather short with my answer.

" am not religious, in any way. have looked at religion but can't say understand it. My
conclusion is that religion seems to divide more than unify.

Ken struggled with this response and think spent the next .5 years trying to justify it. %he
majority of Chuuk's education is provided by the American Missionaries and there are quite a
few different Beliefs within this framework; Mormons, Seven Day Adventists, Catholics,
Protestants are all present here. Depending on which island and which school you attend,
dictates your religion as far as could tell. %hey may declare they are religious but apart from
a few of them, this seems to be rather vague depending on what they wanted to do.

%he last and most recent uide on the boat was esse. He joined the Crew shortly before me
in 006, initially as a Sunday cleaner but it was immediately evident he had far more to offer.
Fluent in English and a quick learner, he also expressed a great level of enthusiasm. He was
keen to learn and was more than happy to teach him to dive and he was superb, right from
the start. n fact, the little bugger beat me on air on our first full dive together. did not allow
him to repeat this feat! He now works as a regular uide.

%he first job of the day was to switch the generators on the boat. A boat is a completely
independent unit and the Odyssey was self-contained. Apart from refuelling every 3 weeks
and stocking up with food on a weekly basis, we really didn't need too much assistance.
%here were 3 generators on board ( day and 1 night), producing all the electrical power.
Having run on low power over night, would check and switch from the night to 1 of the day
generators. A quick check of the engine oils and pressures, the water makers and air con
units and was done.

Next stop would be to check the compressors which sucked and stuffed the breathable gas
into the Scuba tanks. %he Odyssey had a very clever and expensive piece of kit, known as a
Membrane as part of its compressor. %his membrane would reduce the Nitrogen content from
9% to 0% in the air and thus increase the Oxygen level from 1% to 30% which is the
mixture we tended to recommend on almost all over our dives. %herefore, technically we
would not be breathing the same 'air' you are sucking in right now. We would be breathing
135

Enriched Air, commonly referred to as Nitrox. Once the compressors were happy, would
move upstairs.

Behind the bar, the Odyssey had a wide and decent selection of drinks, from Coke and Sprite
to various wines, beers and 13 different spirits. t was an open all inclusive bar and an easy
job to restock the shelves, ready for the new day. No one was allowed to dive after alcohol
but that didn't stop the amber nectar from flowing during dinner for those who would not be
night diving.

Once everything was sorted, it was a very important time, breakie. %here was always an
assortment of cereals and toast and once the galley had been fired up, a wide selection of
cooked food from bacon and eggs, full fat pancakes and waffles etc. was on offer. %here is
truly nothing better than being friends with the Chef and having bacon and eggs cooked to
order as often as wanted! t is the simple things in life that keep me going.

%he boat would move at 06:30 each morning and generally took around 30 to 45 minutes to
move to the new site of the day. %he itinerary was fairly consistent, offering the best of the
wrecks according to depth and location. Once moored, the Captain would start the dive
briefing and tell the divers all that they could possible want to know about this new site. We
generally dived or 3 different wrecks each day and each time, one of us would conduct
these briefings. Whereas in other parts of the world the dive briefings were just that and last a
minute or , these dive briefings were more like mini-lectures. %hey needed to be, to give
justice to the wreck and its history.

Each one of our guests had their own reasons for being in Chuuk. For some it was the trip of
the year, if not the decade. %o some, it was the trip of a lifetime. For most, there was a story
around their decision to spend all that time and money. Some guests were very wealthy and
so the money was not the issue. Others had struggled to save or take the time off work. We
had a wide age range, from teenagers to golden oldies. Many were intimately interested in the
military history and some had family connections to the War in the Pacific.

%he first dive of the day was after breakfast and the briefing. %he boat operated an open deck
policy and so within a certain time frame, each guest could jump when ready. Being the first
of the day, this would be the deepest wreck which is generally better for your physiology.
%ypically the depth of the sand would be around 40m (10ft) or so. Almost all 16 guests would
plunge within minutes of each but once underwater, we would all tend to go our separate
ways or at least try to give those in front, some time and room to play. With a little planning it
was seldom we would all see each other, apart from at the end as everyone made their
ascent to the boat.

%he length of the dive depended on various factors; depth, time, temperature, enjoyment...
For most people, their gas consumption dictated the terms. A heavy breather may head on up
after 30-40 minutes. Others would call it quits at an hour. Occasionally, we would eek out a
dive for 5-90 minutes or so.

%he 'Surface nterval' is vitally important to the diving day. %his is classed as the amount of
time each diver is on the surface, breathing fresh air at ambient pressure which is of course
what you are doing right now. Having breathed at pressure underwater (which will increase
and decrease according to depth), the blood would have a higher level of nitrogen within its
cells than normal. Even by breathing a higher percentage of Oxygen (and you may remember
we upped this to 30% for almost every dive), Nitrogen was still able to enter into the
bloodstream and form micro-bubbles. As long as the micro-bubbles remained in solution and
were able to flow with the Oxygen through the veins etc, happy days. f the Nitrogen micro-
bubbles were able to expand and begin to restrict the blood flow, then this would not be so
happy. Controlling the micro-bubbles is a mixture of science, experience and common sense
and requires your attention. et it right and you live. et it wrong..

Once back on the boat, the Surface nterval would be a time to take it easy, have a shower,
get dry and have a chat over a cuppa tea and a healthy dose of those Deco Pills for good
measure. We would always recommend a break of about 90 minutes between dives. For
most people, this was fine, especially if they had a camera that needed their attention. %he
136

break was required to help your body begin the process of flushing out the residual nitrogen in
your blood and tissues. %his flushing process is perfectly normal and does not require any
effort. t is always a good idea to chill out between dives, but for those of us working, this was
not always possible.

From the moment the diver took off his gear and sat down, the Crew would be preparing it for
the next dive. %he ideal thing about Liveaboard boats is there is minimal impact on the
guests. %here is no need to change gear or heavy tanks. %hey would all be allocated a locker
to sit and we could fill their Scuba tanks in situ, through a series of high pressure hoses being
fed by the compressor. Having breathed the Scuba tank empty (or down to about a quarter or
so), we would connect it to our hoses and gently begin to fill it back up again. %his needed to
be a slow process for a couple of reasons. Filling too fast ran the risk of blowing a hose but
the main problem was a 'hot fill'. As the air molecules are forced under pressure in to the
Scuba tank, they create friction and generate heat. %his would cause the Scuba tank (either
steel or aluminium) to expand. We would intentionally over fill each tank by about 15% and as
the tank cooled and contracted, it would reduce the pressure to the ideal 00bar (3000psi). f
we filled too quickly, the 15% over fill would cool and contract by a larger percentage and
thus, leave us with a 'short fill'. %his was not the end of the world but meant we would return
to the tank and top it up again, wasting time and energy. Filling 16-0 tanks normally took
more than an hour, so we couldn't mess about too much without affecting the guests.

f the boat had moved between dive 1 and , one of us would need to conduct the briefing for
the new wreck, otherwise the guests wouldn't have a clue what to aim for. You would have
thought trying to gather 16 guests for a briefing would be relatively straight forward but it was
a bit like herding cats at times. You could always guarantee someone would not quite connect
the dots between us calling out 'DVE BREFN', and meeting upstairs in the dining room to
have a chat. nvariably we would need to send out a search party to hunt them down before
the briefing could begin.

%he dive briefings were by far the most informative have seen on a boat and really enjoyed
presenting them. found the key to a decent presentation was to mix it up a bit. Be
informative, be interesting and make it fun by throwing in a sly comment or basically picking
on one of the guests. %here was normally always someone in the group who was the butt of
jokes. Most groups knew each other very well and the Crew were normally very quick to pick
up on this type of thing. f we were on a wreck for a single dive, the briefing would be finished
within 15 minutes. A couple of times a week, we would moor up on a wreck like the Fujikawa
Maru or Shinkoku Maru at about 10:00 and stay there for the rest of the day, allowing the
guest to dive this single wreck 4 times. %o allow them to really maximise their time, the
briefing could take around 40 minutes. t sounds like a long time and for sure you cannot
expect everyone to listen to every word, but time and time again, we were told by the guests
they really appreciated the quality and thoroughness of our knowledge. f they decided to dive
without a uide, it still allowed them to tick off most of what we had mentioned. Only diving
with one of the Crew would really open up the entire wreck, allowing someone to see every
part of it in about an hour, rather than take much longer trying to navigate it themselves.
Some briefings could be hilarious and very entertaining. t really depended on who was
talking and who was listening. Briefing after a heavy lunch was always a tough gig as you
could slowly but surely watch people drift off and chew flies.

After dive , lunch would be served. All the meals were buffet style and made for a very
relaxed environment. We asked at least a t-shirt and shorts were worn for meals and to only
take a seat when you were dry, but that was about it for general etiquette. loved the
informality of the meals and the whole boat for that matter. One of the major successes of the
boat was the Crew were accepted as an extension of the dive shop and vice versa. Within a
few hours or certainly by day , the Crew had learned all the names and had grabbed some
time with most of the guests. My lunch would generally last about 0 minutes before relieved
the guys on the dive deck who had been filling the tanks.

Occasionally a guest would ask why the local Crew did not eat at the same table as us. %here
were a couple reasons for this. Firstly, they did not share the same diet us the WeSterners.
Whereas we would eat anything from %acos to Lumpia, salads and fruits, they tended to eat a
huge amount of fish and boiled rice. %hey would not touch salad or vegetables in any quantity
13

and whereas they may grab a slice of pizza from time to time, this was not their preferred
choice. %he rice cooker was constantly on the go and lunch and dinner tended to be a mixture
of rice with fresh tuna in its boiled, fried or raw variety. %he boat also supplied various tinned
food for them and though this was not exactly nourishing, it was normally devoured very
quickly. As is the case throughout the Pacific, Spam has come to form a basic dietary
requirement for the islanders. imagine everyone has eaten Spam at least once but here's
some interesting factoids for you.

O t was launched in 193
O n 00, it had sold over billion cans
O 3.8 cans are consumed every SECOND in the US
O %he name is under debate. Shoulder Pork and Ham; Spiced Meat and Ham & Supply
Pressed American Meat
O %here are 13 varieties of Spam

A bit like Marmite, 'You either love it or you hate it'. like a bit of Spam every now and again,
chilled in salad sandwich or something like that. Some of the Crew took it to a whole new
level. iven the chance, they would grab about 1kg (.lb) of cooked sticky rice, empty a
whole can of Spam into a bowl and woof the whole thing down. %hat's right. 1 man, 1 can of
Spam. t was eaten with just the fingers and very fast. f Spam was not available, a can of
corned beef would suffice. Again, am happy to have a slice or in a sarny, but these guys
could eat a whole can by themselves. n fact, have never seen anything like it in the
supermarket. Not that the Chuukese supermarket looks anything like Sainsburys or Walmat,
but it is truly frightening to see and entire aisle, dedicated to Spam, Luncheon Meat and
Corned Beef. even came across a American guest who collected Spam for fun. Everywhere
she travelled, she would try to get a new flavour or a new tin from somewhere different. gave
her a tin of arlic Spam, 'fresh' from the aisles of a Chuukese supermarket. She was thrilled.

%he problem nowadays goes back to my issues with commercial fishing and unsustainable
fishing practices. %he Chuukese along with all their island cousins, have depended on the
Seas for sustenance for as long as anyone can imagine. %hey hunt and gather the fish as a
way of life. Without seafood, they could easily face starvation. %his way of life has lasted for
centuries, relatively uninterrupted. Since WW, the world's oceans have metaphorically
shrunk but the world's population has literally expanded. %he Hunter/atherer spirit has
needed to feed this expansion and along with farming, the seas have taken a hammering. As
a direct consequence of the Asian and even European fishing fleet vacuuming up almost
anything that swims, the Chuukese and all Pacific slanders have had fewer fish to catch.

saw this first hand and it is not pretty. Fishing trawlers the size of Caribbean cruise ships and
factory ships that sit for weeks on end, receiving and processing fish by the millions. t sounds
a little odd, but the bigger fish like %una or the Mantas or even Whales, need relatively deep
water to enter the Lagoon. %here are only a handful of these 'passes' and so most of the
larger stuff would live outside the Lagoon, requiring the locals to venture into this unprotected
water to hunt. f the Chinese had single handedly removed a huge percentage of fish, what
was left for the locals? f there was no fish to catch, there was nothing to eat, nothing to sell
and no income. t therefore became a hell of lot easier, cheaper and safer to go and catch
something else and you know what, this means Spam. t is cheap and filling. %he fact it is not
particular nourishing or healthy is not a major factor for the locals. Consequently, Heart
disease and Diabetes are rapidly on the increase. Factor in the consequences the local
population is no longer hunting, no longer getting much exercise and is becoming fatter, more
lethargic and has a poor tolerance to alcohol and you have a problem in Paradise.

%he good news for environmentalists is we created very little food waste on board. Friday
night was 'Steak and Lobster' night. Whereas the guests had a lobster tail each, the heads
were boiled and scoffed by the locals. Similarly, the finer parts of the %una and Mahi would
generally be presented to the paying guests. However, the Chuukese actually loved the
heads, the eyes and the other bits and bobs. ndeed, in a morbid way, it was fascinating to
watch the likes of Ken, one of the uides, gut the %una on the back deck of the boat. By
paying a little more than the market rate, the Odyssey tended to be the number one choice for
some of the fishermen to come and sell too. n addition to paying extra, it also saved them
time and fuel having to drive their boats into market. Ken loved fresh fish and before he even
138

had a knife in his hand, would use his fingers to pull out the eyes and route around for the
hearts and livers. used to work on a pig farm as a kid and after castrating the piglets, fed the
tiny testicles for %ess, the farm dog. Ken reminded me of %ess, though was less cuddly! By
eating 'left overs' on Saturday night and again for Sunday lunch, little was wasted between
us.

By providing employment to some of the locals, the Odyssey was able to help quite a number
create a better life. Officially unemployment is around %, but would have thought 85%
was closer to the truth. %he overnment was the biggest employers of pen pushers but with
an average salary of less than 1800 ($3000) per year, it was not exactly Happy Days.
Odyssey would pay a steady wage to the Crew and along with tips, each Crew member could
take home in excess of 35 ($600) for a typical week. Working alternate weeks and with a
couple of Down Weeks for maintenance each year, they could easily be taking home 8000
($1,800). You do the Maths. Of course, it also worked to the boats advantage to have these
guys on board. t is only right and fair, when operating in foreign waters to employ as many
locals as possible.

WeSterners like me or the Captain were needed for our skills and abilities with guests and
general experience etc. t is invaluable to the guests they were able to meet and understand a
foreign culture, that is one of the primary purposes of international travel. Unlike in rand
Cayman where the entire Crew were imported, the Odyssey had a blend and this made it so
much more interesting. Believe me, learned as much from the local guys as they learned
from me. may be able to train them in diving techniques, safety, customer service and the
importance of team work, but they could train me in understanding what was important in life,
tolerance and accepting, along with some great swear words! also learned the frustration of
the Chuukese knot (it looks solid but is crap and cannot be untied) and the Chuukese
Hammer technique with the ladies. Believe me, it is not covered in the Karma Sutra.

After lunch, the diving continued until dinner at 18:30. Most would opt to make another 1 or
dives before dinner depending on their levels of tiredness. %here was enough time to make 5
dives a day, 4 during the day and 1 at night after dinner, but most opted to dive 3 or 4 times
each day. %he Crew would always try to limit themselves to 3 a day. would tend to jump
about 1 times a week. Multiply that up and would be making about 650 dives in 9 months
(and spend the remaining 3, drying out). Each dive was pretty deep in diving terms and being
fairly technical, required us to be on the ball each time. For sure there were occasions would
return to the boat and quietly acknowledge that had not been at my best, technically
speaking. would occasionally feel a twinge or a pain in my joints and suspect was perhaps
mildly bent but then, we all have aches and pains on a daily basis. Having said that, in my
4000+ dive career, have never officially been Bent nor had any sort of directly related diving
injury.

During the evening meal, would ask each guest if they intended to make the night dive. f
there was any alcohol in their glass, this was non negotiable and the vast majority did not dive
at night. Having had a long day, a long flight and some great dives already, most were pretty
content with a glass of beer or wine and hit the sack. Most would be in bed by 0:30.

For the most part, Monday to Friday was fairly consistent. t was always busy on the dive
deck, but we had a flexible routine and we all knew what needed to be done. Experience
would allow us to always be thinking well ahead of where we were. We could prepare gear
head of time, plan which uide would dive and who would watch the deck, who needed to
disappear for an hour for a break etc. %here was never any bitching or complaining which
made it such a pleasure to be there. Because the local guys worked alternate weeks, they
appreciated was more tired them then, especially at the start of each week and so given the
opportunity, would take a break on Monday afternoon. %his would generally mean a 90
minute kip if was lucky. We would then take it on rotation throughout the week but it was rare
we would sit down other than to eat throughout the rest of the week. Although may not
actually be 'working' every single minute, was normally on the deck or underwater for around
90 hours a week.

Saturday afternoon brought a slight change for either myself or one of the Whiteys on board.
As depressing as it sounds, though the guests were still on board, we needed to prepare for
139

the incoming group who would arrive on Sunday night. Saturday afternoon was the weekly
shop and truly, truly despised this! am fine with running around Sainsburys or %esco in the
UK, with my shopping trolley, eyeing up what was on offer and checking out other shoppers.
Even better, in London can shop online. t is so convenient to order my stuff once a month
and the guy brings it right to my front door. t is the ultimate in indulgence but it is also highly
practical. f shop by myself, using public transport etc, am severely limited to what can
carry. Using a taxi adds a fair bit to the cost. Even paying a bit extra for delivery, online
shopping is a far better bet. can order in bulk for the long term and contrary to the Nay-
sayers who bark on about 'oh but need to test the tomatoes and check the sell by dates',
have truly never had an issue. %he UK Online economy is now greater than Construction,
%ransport and Utilities. t accounts for .% of our DP (010). %he UK leads the world in e-
Commerce. Having worked for an e-Commerce Food & Drinks company in the late 90's at the
height of the dot com bubble, am well and truly in favour of e-Commerce, despite being
shafted by a crook.

Back to the shopping. Having gone through the weekly shopping list with the Chef, would
leave the Odyssey on the skiff and would head off to the main island of Weno. %he skiff is a
purposely built aluminium dive boat and rather resembles a mini landing craft, with a central
area to sit and stand the dive tanks and we would occasionally use this to dive from if
required. Parking it was always fun especially with others watching, but once tied up, would
jump into the van and take the horrendously bumpy ride into town. miles took about 0
minutes. remember shouting with delight when overtook someone. was doing 10kph
(6mph).

%he shopping was split into areas. First stop would be to the 'House', the storage facility we
would rent in town. Each year, we would import a container full of dry products and canned
goods etc. which would account for about 0% of our provisions. f the House was full, it was
relatively simple to run through the shopping list, pull goods from the shelves, repack them in
some empty boxes and put them to one side, ready to throw in the van. could do this last bit
on Sunday as would be filling the van with fresh produce from the supermarkets right now.
As the months progressed and the House became emptier, there was less to pack up and
more to go and hunt for in the shops.

Chuukese 'supermarkets' are not quite the same as in Europe or the USA. n fact, they are
pretty horrendous. Nothing works. %he electricity supply is hit and miss, so unless they had a
decent generator, the refrigeration units would go on an off all the time. %here was little power
for light bulbs so you could only really shop in daylight. f it rained, which it invariably did as
soon as stepped off the boat, the car parks and floors would have a layer of mud all over
them. n some shops and especially the airport, this thin layer became a lethally slippery floor.
lost count the amount of times went arse over tit in my flip flops. You couldn't really wear
anything more than flip-flops to be honest. %hey would instantly get soaked and covered in
mud, so to me, the simpler the better. just had to watch my step, not that this helped much.

We all know how frustrating it can be to have a shopping trolley with a wobbly-wheel. Well
multiply this by 4 and then take the worst trolley imaginable and that would be a Chuukese
trolley. Half the time would simply end up dragging a lump of steel around the place.
Because the islands depended on a supply ship for food, it was always a bit hit and miss as to
whether would be able to track down everything on the list. %here were 3 supermarkets of
some description and could always guarantee would not be able to find everything in the
first or second shop. would always need to visit all 3 of them and occasionally somewhere
else as well. %his all just added to the frustration.

Minced Beef was usually easy to find and that was about it. %he pork supplies were varied
and our Cooks tended to be quite specific on what cut of meat would be acceptable. %he
squid was supposed to be frozen having come from California. By the time it arrived in Chuuk
it could look pretty black and unhealthy. Rice is a staple diet to millions of people worldwide
and Chuuk was no exception. like rice, occasionally. Having it every single day is a bit
repetitive isn't it? n addition, we only ever had one type, uam Rose. t was almost a sticky
rice which again, is OK from to time but becomes very, very tiresome week after week. Once
in a while, would long for some American Long grain. Why am on about rice? Oh, and the
price fluctuated like the Commodity market. know the price of Oil and as, even Coffee can
140

change due to the effects of supply and demand but had never known it with rice. would
buy it in kg (50lb) sacks and its price would vary from 11 to 15 ($18 to $5).

My all time favourite when shopping was the fruit and veg. Chuukese don't really do fruit and
veg and the only green stuff they ate would be locally grown. Each week, a local farmer would
bring us a selection of local produce. We would have fresh pineapple, mangoes, guava, string
beans, cucumbers, coconuts, lemons, aubergines and a large bunch of bananas that hung on
the dive deck for anyone to help themselves. We had to occasionally warn him about the
quality of his offerings but generally it was very good. Sometimes the bananas wouldn't ripen
until %hursday and so we could be inundated with too many bananas the following week.

Farming in Chuuk is not exactly the same as we know it either. %here are no fields for
starters. A farm was more likely a clearing in between coconut trees. Occasionally you could
spot a meadow of some kind on an island but this had been formed by a land slide, removing
anything that lived there. Because there are no fields or roads for that matter, there is no need
for a combine harvester or a tractor. ust use the kids. %here are plenty of feral ones running
about. One of my favourite stories heard on Chuuk was about farming.

Each island tends to be divided in to villages and each village, has an Elder. %he island of
Udot had decided to all chip in together and buy oxen or buffalo to help work the land. f
they could plough the land, they would be able to grow some produce and even better, they
could supplement their diet and income by breeding and have baby beasts. Makes good
sense. %he money was raised ( have no idea how) and the purchase was made and the
Noah's Ark supply ship delivered healthy beasts, 1 male and 1 female. So far, so good.

Now, 'm afraid do not know the exact details but the word on the street was that as the
beasts would being put to use, someone had a bright idea. %hese beasts looked mighty tasty
and perhaps they could have a feast, so they slaughtered 1. f the penny had not already
dropped, presumably it did soon after. Some bright spark realised you can't really breed from
a single beast, you need a pair. Ahh. %here was no money in the kitty to go on eBay and get
another one, so they decided they may as well have another feast and so ate the other one.
Farming on Udot has never been the same since, from what hear.

By the time the veg arrived in Chuuk, you can imagine it was normally past its best. Unless
we grabbed it off the shelves as soon as it had cleared customs, we would be left with quite a
sorry collection of rotten lettuces, mouldy peppers and squidgey tomatoes. %he ladies on the
boat were very accomplished with their knives and thought nothing of cutting out the bad bits
and using what was still edible. We in the West are so obsessed with requiring a perfectly
straight carrot and a strawberry than can be picked, packaged and sold within 4 hours, we
have become so blas and spoilt.

After about 3 hours of hauling heavy boxes around and sweating like a rapist as moved from
store to store, it was usually time to return to the boat. On Saturday afternoons, the guests
completed their last dives and begun the tedious task of washing out all their gear in
freshwater and finding a place for it to dry. t was a joke but was also very true, keep an eye
on your stuff as just when you think it is almost dry, it will inevitably piss it down with rain and
the cycle would start all over again.

At 15:30, the Odyssey was usually back on its home mooring off the Blue Lagoon Resort and
would duly meet them there, with a van packed (or hopefully) full of meats, eggs and
relatively fresh produce. We would have to unload the van in the car park, walk all the boxes
to the small dock, place them on the skiff and take them back to the mother ship. %hey would
then be taken off the skiff, walked up the stairs, passed the guests (who by now were finishing
off another beer) and into the alley. By the time this was all done, was usually very hot,
sweaty and pretty irritable. t was not my favourite time of the week that was for sure.
%hankfully, the Crew on the dive deck had usually got everything squared away by this time.
%he Scuba tanks would be full, the decks cleared and there was time to take a much needed
shower. t was not unusual for Crew to have to change t-shirts more than once a day,
according to the perspiration factor!

141

Saturday nights were the last night for the guests and they would usually be in a very chilled
place which was great. Dinner would be a concoction of left overs from the weeks meals and
actually were one of the best meals as a result. loved chatting on Saturday nights. With the
exception of one infamous night, the vibe was always exceptionally positive, both to me as an
individual and to the team as a whole and that was vitally important. %he %eam was far
greater than the ndividual and was proud of being a small part of this team. %hey had been
there since 000. had only joined in 006 but knew was accepted by them and was able
to have a positive impact.

Although the boat was all-inclusive, most guests bought additional %-shirts and merchandise
and when they came to close their accounts on Saturdays, they also tipped the Crew, either
by cash or credit card. Mostly this was via an envelope and handed to the Captain to be split
evenly between each one of us. Occasionally, a guest may also wish to tip an individual as
well. %his happened to me quite a few times, mainly after had taught someone who thought
gone above and beyond or had guided someone through an exceptional dive. For sure,
would be lying if said was not interested in the money, but got the biggest kick out of
hearing the comments made by the guests. f one of them was aimed at an individual, be it a
uide or the Night Watchman etc, would always ask the guest to go and give this positive
feedback in person. t made such a difference, such a positive value. %hanking someone
costs nothing but can mean the World. Remember that, the next time you are in Starbucks.
Working in a Customer Facing environment is not easy, especially when it is so intense and
continuous. Little things, both positive and negative can really make an impact.

Saturday night was also a time when it suddenly dawned on the guests, that although their
time would shortly be coming to an end, it would not be the same for the Crew. As the guests
pushed in through the night (with a free bar to help), would tend to get off to bed soon after
0:00 or so. Depending on my energy levels, would try and watch a DVD on my laptop in my
bunk but it was rare would remain conscious for more than 1 minutes at a time. tended to
sleep very well on the memory foam mattresses.

Sunday mornings would be greeted far too early once again. After the usual generator
switching, restocking the bar and breakie, it would be time to collect the bags from the cabins
and try and get them ashore before it pissed it down. %he bags would be off the boat by 0:30
and the guests would follow shortly after. %hey had a very tiresome and dull day ahead of
them. Although it was only 08:00, we would not be taking them to the airport until 3:30 for
their 0:50 flight. %hey would spend the day at the Blue Lagoon Resort and what's more, they
would enjoy it goddammit! Most spent the day unconscious or having a very long lunch. %hey
could not fly within 4 hours of diving but if they would be staying at BLR for a few days more,
this was possible. %he BLR also had scooters (they advertised them as 'mopets') for rent but
knowing the roads as well as did, it would not have been my first choice of entertainment.

Sunday for the Crew was usually mundane. Having been to the 'House' on Saturday and
boxed up all the dry goods, would usually return to the scene of the crime and collect these
boxes with my mate, Soky, one of our Sunday cleaning Crew.

Now, Soky (no one knows why he is called this as his actually name is Riksan) is like no other
man on earth, well not that have ever met. He is perhaps not the most attractive man in the
Universe. Actually he looks a bit like olum from Lord of the Rings. No matter, Soky is the
gentlest guy have met. OK, so his command of the English and Chuukese language is not
the greatest (but then neither is my command of Chuukese), preferring to speak his own
language of Soky, but he also is the most honest man know. %o be fair, he obviously has
learning needs but don't think anyone has taught him to lie. He may only have a few stands
of hair and a couple of teeth, but he has a heart of gold. Not that ever wanted anything from
him, along with the rest of the team he would be happy to hand over almost everything he
owned. He loves music and a very special couple from the USA who only met him for a few
minutes, proceeded to post him a brand new CD player.

f time allowed, having picked up the boxes from the house, Soky and would try and grab an
ice cream as a treat. For some reason, ice cream seemed to travel well to the islands and it
was good stuff too. %he best ice cream came from Australia for some reason, most of the
14

meat and veg would come from California and there was a healthy supply of Filipino and
apanese bits as well.

Sunday was also the best opportunity to buy all the fuel from the local petrol stations for the
small skiffs. Occasionally, we would also fill a number of large K-bottles with pure oxygen and
just for good measure, a bottle or of propane for the BBQ grill and stove. Shove all that in
the back of a van and take it on a bumpy ride back to the boat and could quite comfortably
say that it was a mighty big bomb to be driving around in. Certainly, think would have had
an interesting chat with the Fuzz had driven such a volatile mix through the streets of
London.

Every 3
rd
week, the boat would need to move onto the dock to fill up with fuel. f this was not
required, the rest of the Sunday would be spent cleaning the boat from top to tail. Although
was not directly involved in the scrubbing, usually had plenty of other menial jobs to take
care of, checking over the compressors and repairing minor stuff on the dive deck etc. At
lunchtime, the outgoing team would finish work and collect their money. %he boat paid them a
weekly wage and then they had an equal slice of the %ips. %his could vary from week to week,
but as long as the boat was running efficiently and to capacity, there was no reason they
would not be walking off the boat with a minimum of over 300 ($500) for the week.
nterestingly, they rarely saw this money beyond that moment. As soon as they were picked
up by the family, the money belonged to the family and used to buy fuel, rice and other
basics. Cigarettes and a few beers may be added to this list but there was certainly very little
left after the shopping. n addition to our guys feeding their immediate family, more often than
not, they would be feeding the grandparents, countless cousins and any other hangers on.
%his was totally acceptable and no one seemed to mind. %he fact the Crew had just worked a
very long week for this money which could now be used to feed a cousin who did not have a
job, didn't seem to matter. %he family came first, plain and simple. %hey lives depended on
keeping the unit healthy.

f some guests (mainly from Australia or from Europe) had flown onto the island in Friday,
they would arrive on the boat at 1:00 and so the boat needed to be presentable for that time.
f the guests were flying in from the USA, the majority would arrive on the 1:30 flight on
Sunday night and the whole week would kick into gear once more. %ypically, this 90 hour
week would continue for about 4 months at a time before taking a few weeks off. told you it
was not all glitz and glam.




143

hapter 33
The Good.


perceive myself as being a fairly shy boy and am sure those who have met me and know
me, would be surprised at this self-observation. We all have strengths and weaknesses and
one of the biggest weaknesses most people have, is they do not acknowledge their own
weakness. Being strong all the time cannot be healthy, can it? Neither can being weak but
surely you need to be have a healthy does of both to become a fairly rounded individual.
Without wanting to get in to a whole load of psycho-babble (which actually find quite
fascinating), would like to list a few of my S & Ws though in no particular order. am well
aware that some may be happy to add to these and some may actually move some nouns
from one side to the other.

Strengths

Weaknesses

O Communicator O Opinionated
O nternationalist O Shy
O Educated O Nomadic
O Adaptable O ndependent
O Leader O Semi non-conformist
O Organised O Realist


Having put out there consider myself shy, am also very intrigued by people; Watching them
move, the way they talk or in some cases, don't. love the way women can see good in ways
that men don't; hate the way men can be egotistical shits. n my line of work, have met
thousands of people, far more than most are able to, as they go about sitting at the same old
desk, speaking to the same old people, for years at a time. %his conveyor belt of personalities
has defined who am as a person. Wow, that all sounds very convoluted know, but quite
like being who am. Perhaps going back to my childhood as the youngest of 3 boys, have
developed a sense of self-belief and independence. am incredibly comfortable with my own
abilities and trust my own judgement.

%here are very, very few times have failed or given up. For sure, there are occasions may
not even try but that in itself, is not without reason. am by no means adventurous in my diet,
much preferring a classic Shepherds Pie to some gastro feast that costs an arm and a leg
and does not even fill me up. Having said that, have eaten %hai cockroaches, locusts, snake
blood, camel and crocodile. %he arena guess am most comfortable with, is physical
adventure and actually adore the unknown. %his in itself brings in an additional weakness.
am contradictory. do not eat seafood in any shape or form but have caught and sold
lobsters for a living. would love to fall in love and settle down but rarely sit still long enough
to allow this. Whereas have earned a living being outside and being as busy as a horny
badger, am actually quite a lazy sod at times and given the occasion, am more than happy
to slump on the sofa and watch %op ear or read %ime magazine. think this is why will
never have kids!

would not classify myself as an adrenaline junkie but am partial to white water rafting,
jumping out of planes and bungee jumping. think that is why diving has been my tonic for so
long. t has allowed me to express myself without needing to shout. t is a leisure activity (you
can't really classify it as a Sport because it is non-competitive) that offers me so much. can
learn from it, teach it to others, it offers me relaxation and can make my heart take a few extra
beats. Statistically it is very safe but as we all know in life, things can sometimes go a bit Pete
%ong. f it wasn't for the lobsters in St. Kitts, feel may have lost interest in diving to some
extent. needed to bring back some excitement. Chuuk provided this by the bucket load.

144

Living on the boat was a microcosm all unto itself. Being a self contained unit, there is no real
need (or opportunity) to look elsewhere for entertainment, food or culture. t simply arrives on
the next plane every week. Each week, the guests were met with anticipation, intrigue and
friendliness. Over the years the Crew had seen and heard it all. %hin ones, Fat ones, Pretty
young ones, Wrinkly older ones, Big hairy noisy ones, Short balding quiet ones. So much
diversity is what makes the world go round and so much more interesting. Having said that,
am also surprised at just how white Scuba diving is. would state that well over 95% of the
divers have met and worked with have been Whiteys. guess Caucasians simply see the
water in a different way to African, Caribbean and Asians do. %hough have worked with and
dived with some very natural %hai, ndonesian, Caribbean and Pacific slanders, they are few
and far between. For sure, the cost of it can be a major factor but that does not explain it
because we all know there are some very successful people from all walks of life out there.
Quite simply, whereas White man can't dance, it seems Black blokes don't dive. did come
across the National Association of Black Scuba divers (NABS), which bizarrely enough is
open to anyone regardless of Race or Colour. Why then, is there a need for 000 members to
call themselves Black divers? am a diver and don't feel the need to pay to join this or any
other club.

%he roup Leader can make of break a trip, especially when it is in an environment like
Chuuk and confined to a boat like the Odyssey, though have seen group led trips throughout
the world. have even been there, done that myself. %he way see it, the roup Leader
needs to be a natural leader. %hey need to be highly organised and efficient but do not
necessarily want to show this skill. A natural and articulate organiser has it all methodically
planned out, but does not need to explain every minute detail because this can over
complicate matters. Add to this, the rest of the group are ultimately on vacation. %hey want
and should be relaxed, in the knowledge it will all be taken care of.

t should be pointed out at this time, the roup Leader is usually treating the trip as a working
holiday. n addition to physically selling dive related products and courses back home, they
supplement their income by offering tailor made dive trips. Depending on the size of the shop
and its database, they may offer multiple trips throughout the year. %hese are mostly local (a
couple of hours drive or flight away) but some will also try and arrange a much longer and
more expensive trip at least once a year. Chuuk would most definitely fall into this category.
deally, the roup Leader would try and charter the whole boat (all 16 places) and be able to
sell each spot. Each boat has slightly different policies and incentives for selling spaces but
generally speaking, if a shop was able to sell a certain number of places, they would be
awarded 1 or spots for free. Some boats will also offer commission on the total value of the
boat. %hus, if a roup Leader was able to sell 14 places to his database, he may well end up
with 1 or free places and a nice little commission as well. etting paid to take people on
holiday is almost as cool as being paid to 'be' on holiday.

have met some great roup Leaders in my time, throughout the world but the Odyssey is
where saw them on a weekly basis. would like to think a few of these have become good
friends.

ill and Brian run a dive shop near Denver and without doubt are the best Leaders have
come across and they know this, because wrote and told them. A husband and wife team,
they epitomise everything that diving stands for. %hey work exceptionally well together and
work hard enough to give the impression of being effortless. %hey are utterly committed to
providing a top quality service to their group and go above and beyond what was expected of
them to create a seamless week. For those of us in the knowledge, this is not easy to
achieve. Working in the Leisure industry has its advantages but equally, a few of the down
sides as well. When on vacation, people are naturally more relaxed, open to change and less
stressed. However, they can also forget others around them are still at work and trying to do
their job.

ill and Brian have achieved a wonderful position. %hey are now able to lead many dive trips
to some amazing places and are able to make a living out of what they have a passion for.
%he best thing for them is they have repeat business which is always the best way to be.
%hey live in an affluent area and are able to attract a solid client base who are not only keen
on diving but are happy to spend money on it. Demographically, the early retirees are the best
145

clients in my opinion for they have vital qualities; %ime and Money. know many young
divers but even if they have the time, they never have any money. %he late 40-60 year olds,
are a great source to tap into and can be great fun to have around.

Although ill and Brian are in a great position, their success has not come without
compromise. As roup Leaders, there is a lot of work involved. t is one thing to speak about
new trips and gaining lots of interest, it is a whole different story trying to secure cash to pay
for it. Even when all the places are sold, then the real work begins. Arranging a vacation for a
large bunch of people can be quite daunting. What happens if something goes wrong? What
happens if someone has an accident, or fails to show at the airport? What happens if they
don't like each other? %here are too many scenarios to mention.

Whereas other roup Leaders try to dive for fun throughout the week (and who can blame
them), ill & Brian always put their group's requirements ahead of their own. %hey would not
dive together for starters. Brian tended to video each dive and make a trip DVD at the end. ill
always makes herself available to anyone in the group who wanted a Buddy, knowing this
usually meant she dived in a fairly restrained way. take my hat off to this dedication, really
do. %here were times, we would take over the role from ill and one of the Crew would Buddy
up with one of her divers. met ill and Brian twice and we have kept in touch for over 4 years
now. When met them for the
nd
time, it was great when ill asked me in advance to take her
on a repeat dive through a specific wreck. %his was going to be her little time of luxury of the
week and was happy to help.

ill and Brian also brought their diving mascots with them. Over the years, the original mascot
of a rubber duck (or what looks like a chicken) has been joined by more rubber duck
impersonators and these travel wherever the group travels. %he aim is to present a duck to
someone who has made some sort of diving faux pas which inevitably happens to us all.
Always with the intent of causing embarrassment without harm, it was great fun. %he Crew
had fun with the ducks as well. On one occasion, as the group were all in the water, Mike (the
mechanic) and created a rubber duck home video. t was quite amazing, if not a little
alarming, just how many positions we could think that allowed each duck to be 'satisfied'.
Later on in the week, as the Odyssey was being tied in, a Crew member took all 4 ducks and
stuck them on the Kingpost of the wreck, welcoming everyone back as they finished off their
dive.

A coupe of weeks after they left, ill and Brian had asked another couple from Denver to bring
a new rubber duck/chicken for the Crew to care for. We loved this oversized lump of rubber
and it was taken on hundreds of dives. We tried to attach it on fellow Crew members or
guests who had a sense of humour without them realising. t is surprisingly tricky trying to dive
in a stealthy way. You need to hold your breath so as not to alarm your target and then be
very gentle as you attempt to clip the duck to some part of his gear. %he slightest noise or
bump would give the game away.

On one occasion, had completed my guided dive and was mucking about with a baby
octopus on the Rio de aneiro Maru wreck. %his thing was tiny, the size of a large coin. We
had a bunch of Fire Fighters from LA that week and attracted the attention of one of them
and showed him this little beauty. For some reason, the fireman seemed to be more
interested in taking a photo of my hair. "Look at the little Pussy shouted but again, he lined
up once more to take a photo of my head. thought he was a bit gay to be honest and
showed someone else my little friend. Of course, what hadn't realised is that my colleague
Sam was clipping the buoyant rubber duck to the back of my tank and this was far more
photogenic than the tiny cephalopod.

n a sad but funny way, one of my favourite stories is about a roup Leader whom never
had the chance to meet. He was Canadian and was due to lead a group from that fine land, to
Chuuk. He was even listed on the Odyssey manifest, only when we went to pick up his group
up at the airport, he was absent but his wife was present and she was now the roup Leader.
t made no difference to the Crew as to who the roup Leader was but it was a little intriguing
none the less.

146

On Monday, word on the deck was the roup Leader had not been able to attend due to a
passport issue. Mmm, this did not really smell right but who were we to judge? By %uesday,
as the Crew and the guests got to know one another, the crack in the story begun to
materialise but the wife was still sticking to the story about the passport error. By Wednesday,
the game was up. had shared a beer with a guest and it never fails to amaze me how much
entertaining information can extract from people. Perhaps should be an interrogator for
M6. Apparently have 'trusting eyes', well that is what an ex of mine said after a night of fun
and frolics. Personally, blame Mr. Corona on this occasion.

Mr. roup Leader did have passport issues, that part of the story was true. t had been
reported its issuance had been delayed and thus he could not fly. %he full story was far more
entertaining. n another move to protect the guilty, no names are being mentioned here but
this is more to do with my inability to remember them too well, rather than trying to protect
them.

Anyway, Mr. roup Leader had been out on a Stag-do some weeks or even months before.
%hough do not know his age, would think he was in his 40s or 50s, so being on a Stag-do
is perhaps a little irregular. Anyway, at the end of a night out on the town, he had ended up
back in the city hotel on the 15
th
floor. OK, still with me? Men, drunk, 15
th
floor. Expecting to
hear the mention of hookers and/or illicit narcotics was pleasantly surprised to hear the
words 'water bombs'. Now, can't really remember the last time made a water bomb. t was
probably when was about 10. We learned the art of Origami and made a capsule from a
piece of paper. Put this under the tap and fill with water and you had the basics of a water
bomb. Chuck it at someone and as long as your name was not written on the paper you had
ripped from your school book, you were home and dry.

Something told me these guys had probably not been folding paper to create their bomb but
had probably used a much more secure vessel, namely a condom. Fill one of those bad boys
and anyone who has lived in the great outdoors will tell you, they can hold decent amount of
water. Apparently, this water bomb had been dropped from the 15
th
floor. Now as we all know,
1 litre of fresh water weighs around 1 kg. Not that have ever felt the need to test it, a condom
can hold a hell of lot more than this. Having said that, do make an exception for the free
condoms was once presented with in Manila. %hey were tiny, well too small for mine which is
always a good thing guess.

OK, back to my point. Condom. Water. Free Fall. %axi. Police Siren. Latex loves. Passport.

%he %axi part is because the condom had fallen squarely onto its roof, 15 floors
(approximately 45m or 150ft) below. %he impending damage caused the taxi driver to call the
Rozzers who duly came and made an arrest. Finger prints, DNA tests and several latex
gloves later, our man was up in Court. Although he escaped a life sentence, his drunken
antics did culminate with a conviction. Unfortunately, flying from Canada to Chuuk requires
transiting through uam. %he funny thing about uam is there is no transit lounge and so all
passengers from all flights must pass through immigration, irrelevant of the fact they are really
only changing flights, are only in transit for a couple hours and never actually leave the
airport. Officially, they are entering uam and therefore the United States of America. Yee
Haw. Anyone who enters the USA nowadays had better have a good goddam reason for
doing so.

Being a good boy that Chuck thinks am, have always entered the USA without too much of
a problem, though do tend to sweat a tad and my sphincter does tend to tighten. am aware
however that the good old USA Border Agency is on a high state of Paranoia at all times and
takes great delight in barring anyone it can think of. am all for barring some terrorists, even
the occasional Frenchman but do they want to bar anyone with a conviction for moral
turpitude. Now that is a word have not come across before, so for the benefit of the under
educated like myself, will attempt to clarify.

Moral Turpitude is the gross violation of standards of moral conduct, vileness, such
that an act involving moral turpitude was intentionally evil, making the act a crime. The
existence of moral turpitude can bring a more severe criminal charge or penalty for a
criminal defendant
14


t is all a bit vague, especially as it can be thrown at almost any conviction. Rape; Robbery;
Forgery; llicit solicitation by prostitutes and you know what, we can also chuck something
else into the mix; %hrowing a condom out of a window, you mother f****r. Now where are
those latex gloves again..?

Another of my all time favourites roup Leaders is Lauren. She led a couple of groups from
the East Coast of the USA to Chuuk and again was great fun to have on the boat. Right from
the get go, we got on incredibly well and would end up talking about all sorts of shit, from the
latest in diving technology to international politics. Lauren had originally arranged her dive
trips through her place of work, one of the best marketed dive shops in the country. For some
reason, they did not want to continue with organised dive trips and so Lauren broke off and
started her own dive travel company. She is highly educated, extremely sexy and a beautiful
diver. My ideal girl in many ways! like to think can talk about a wide range of things but
Lauren was more than capable of keeping up with me and gave as good as she got. She has
become one of my true and close friends and though there is a great distance between us, we
are never that far from each other.

Ann and Eric are from the Deep South of the ood Ol' US of A, or Houston anyway. %hey are
an incredible couple and one that have a huge respect for. think it would be fair to say, they
are big in every sense of the word and some of the kindest and most dedicated people have
had the pleasure of meeting. Whereas Eric is really into the %echnical aspect of diving, Ann
prefers to mess about in the shallower water, play with the fish and help out those who would
benefit from her vast experience.

Mike is the mechanic on the Odyssey and he is a wonderful guy. A Filipino, he moved to
Chuuk in the mid 90s and is married with young girls. Having originally lived and worked on
the main island of Weno as a mechanic, he had plenty of customers as the roads and salt
would eat machinery quicker than you can scoff a burger, but the bad news was they rarely
had the money to actually pay for his services. On one occasion, one of the Odyssey vans
had broken. Lenny had spoken to his usual mechanic but he couldn't fix it. %he next mechanic
Lenny tracked down, could fix it but didn't have the parts. Mike was recommended and Lenny
set about tracking him down (not easy in a town with no proper streets, let alone house
numbers). Not only could Mike fix it, he had the right parts and he could have it done by the
morning. From that moment, Mike became a huge part of the Odyssey and later agreed to
work aboard the boat, 6 days a week. He was guaranteed an income, could save far more
money for his family and could lay his little oily hands over all sorts of wonderful mechanical
stuff.

got on incredibly well with Mike and wanted to teach him to dive. His main problem in 00
was he couldn't actually swim. %his is not that rare for Asian guys, brought up away from the
sea. %here was no need to swim, so why bother to learn?

My first contract on the boat was for a year, April 006-0 but happily extended this until
September 00. During this time, we all tried to get Mike in the water. think it would be fair
to say he was petrified of the stuff, even though he was happy to look at it everyday. Bit by bit,
we managed to get him in a wetsuit, in the water and he would then eventually hang onto the
ladders or the rope we used to tow the skiff with. With time, he began to gain a little more
confidence, managing a mask and then a snorkel and then a Scuba tank. etting his head
underwater was hard work as the poor guy suffered from ear issues and had real problems
when he tried to equalise them with the water pressure. Only when the pressure is equal, can
you descend any deeper, otherwise the pain is too great. By the time left in 00, Mike had
made a couple of dives but had not really achieved much. When returned to the boat in
009, he had tried it a couple of more times but still hadn't really enjoyed it.

Ann had met Mike and later returned for a week charter in 009. Being a kind soul, she took
the time to speak to Mike about his issues, his fears etc. %o her immense credit, she quietly
suggested to him she would happily skip a dive on the wreck and would attempt to teach him.
t was not that we were short of dive nstructors on the boat, but for some reason Mike
agreed. He may have just been scared of saying 'No' to Ann. am not too sure.

148

Once we were all off the boat investigating another wreck, Mike and Ann quietly set about
gearing up. %heir intention was to get in the water, try to submerge to a reasonable depth and
paddle their way to the mooring ball, about 45m (150ft) from the back of the boat. From there,
it would be a bonus if they could follow the mooring line to the wreck itself, 15m (50ft) below.

%he first knew of their secret plan was as was finishing my dive and had begun to follow the
mooring line from the wreck back up to the dive boat. As ascended, could easily see
figures slowly but surely, descending. Whoa there horsey! s that Mikey, the man who cannot
swim, the man who cannot dive, the man who cannot equalise? Mike was heading down with
Ann and what's more, he had a huge smile on his little face. Perish the thought would try
and disturb his concentration so slipped him the 1 finger salute as headed up, knowing full
well he would be trying incredibly hard not to laugh (and therefore flood his mask). %hat would
be cruel wouldn't it? Bloody funny though!

From that moment, Mikey was a diver wannabe. %he old worries were thrown overboard and
his set his goal to learn as much as he could. Living and working around the water for years,
he has subconsciously picked up almost all he needed to learn. However, he needed to learn
properly and so picked up the reins and began to teach him. We could only grab a dive or
each week due to other work commitments and general diving conditions etc. Living on the
boat, we didn't have access to a pool or a beach for that matter and so he learned all the
skills on the decks of the WW wrecks. t may have been a bit off the margins of the nstructor
books but we had to improvise. Mike has become a great little diver and ended up with some
really nice gear, some of which he paid for, some he was given by very generous guests.
Along with teaching the affer in Aruba and little Alex the dwarf in Nevis, Mike has been one
of my highlights as an nstructor.

Perhaps the best diving surprise had was with an American gentleman called Nelson. He
had joined a group for the week, though he didn't know anyone else on the boat.
Occasionally, the roup Leader is unable to sell all the spots for the charter from his
database and ends up selling the remaining places to individuals who had contacted the
Odyssey office or some other way. Nelson was such a diver. He arrived with the rest of the
group on the Sunday evening but it was immediately apparent he required some assistance.
t is rare we rented out gear to divers because the vast majority of them had their own. Rather
like a pair of skis or even a car, dive gear is a very personal choice. What works for me, may
not work for you. know why have bought the stuff have but you may not agree and that is
fair enough. %o me, there is nothing worse than someone telling you, you have bought
something crap. My Oceanic fins are great for wreck diving in tropical waters. %he fact that
paid 0 ($3) for them makes it even better. Some people pay well over 00 ($30) for a
pair. Believe me, know girls who bought the US made Force Fins. Full price is over 460
($50) for a pair which is bad enough. %o make matters worse, they broke before they saw
the water. o figure.

may have saved money on my fins but do not scrimp on computers ( have 3 though dive
with ) and regulators. After all, these things sustain my life and so paying over 350 ($560)
for a set of top of the range Apeks is fine by me.

Nelson came on the boat with precisely nothing. No BCD jacket, no regulator, not even a
mask but that was OK because we kept such things on board for those who needed them.
Once this was all sorted, asked him if he intended to dive with Nitrox (the enriched oxygen
gas) or regular air. %his question baffled him. Next, asked him if he preferred to dive the
large volume but heavier steel tank, or the smaller and lighter aluminium tank. Again, he was
a bit lost as to my questioning and must admit, was wondering the same thing. He
completely threw me when he quietly said to me he had not actually dived in 0 years.
nteresting. Coming all this way and spending all this money is not normally on most people's
agenda unless they are pretty committed to diving. had to ask another question.

"Do you know where you are?
" am beginning to wonder that myself was his reply.

%he following morning, once all the formalities of the dive and safety briefings had been
completed, went back and spoke to Nelson. was somewhat confused as to his intentions
149

for the week and ultimately why he was here. From my point of view, knew this environment
was not suitable to teach most beginners and after 0 years away from diving, that was what
he was. %o compound the scenario, new gadgets like computers did not really exist when he
had learned and he had never seen most of the modern dive gear, such as integrated weight
belts.

No matter, but perhaps it would be best if the of us took a dive together and see how things
went. ust to add to the fairly bizarre situation, Nelson was not only going to be diving with us
for a week but he would be moving onto Palau afterwards, generally regarded as one of the
ultimate diving destinations in the world. %his would be a trip of dreams to many divers and
yet Nelson was not entirely sure what he had let himself in for. He had intended to take some
refresher skills back at home, prior to flying out to Micronesia. For some reason, this had not
taken place and perhaps worst of all, the dive shop that had booked his place, was not
represented on the boat. From my point of view, this rang alarm bells. %he dive shop had
booked a client in the knowledge he was probably not up to it, but they had made a sale and
a small amount of commission. %o make matters worse, by not actually being part of the dive
trip, they could simply hand over his welfare to me and all the others on the boat without
being held accountable.

We had a run through of the basics in diving, breathing, relaxing, clearing a mask etc. He was
an intelligent guy and was under no allusion as to the situation. He even made the comment
to me he was happy to achieve as much as he and thought possible but also realised he
would not be able to dive in ways the other guests would be diving. %his was a very mature
and responsible attitude and instantly made me more relaxed about the situation. t also
intrigued me as to how far we could get throughout the week.

My intention on the first dive of the week would be very limited. We would jump off the rear
deck as usual. We would complete a few surface skills, such as breathing through the
regulator, playing with the mask and breathing with his face underwater. f was able to take
him down the ladders and even take him on a bit of an underwater tour, that would be great.
etting as far as the wreck (about 15m or 45ft below us) would be a bonus. What occurred
next, truly astonished me.

We both jumped in and started the surface skills. He was fine with everything threw at him.
OK, next would be to work our way down the ladders and see if we could reach the
Decompression (Deco) Bar 4m (13ft) below us. Once he had stabilised there, he knew my
intention was to lead him on a little tour. He took a breath, exhaled and we submerged.
Neither of us actually took hold of the ladder. Neither of us took hold of the Deco Bar. We just
instantly went for a swim. Over the years, would like to think have developed a keen sense
of being able to read people, especially underwater and instantly knew this guy was good.

have gained or guess, honed my senses and am able to anticipate people and their
reactions to situations. By instantly watching and interpreting their body language, you can
sense who is comfortable, who is in control and those who are a little too close to the edge of
their comfort zone. Listening to someone breathing is a major tell tale. f am in the back end
of beyond, deep into a dark part of the wreck, cannot always see those around me,
especially if there are 3 or 4 of us. As a result, look and listen in other ways. A heavy or rapid
breathing pattern is a sure sign things are too good. Likewise, any erratic movement, such as
the flashing of a dive light, scanning for someone to focus on, is another sign. Hopefully by
being a step ahead of anyone else around me, like to think can actually prevent an issue
before it manifests itself. %his can only come with experience. f you have ever been caught
off guard in this sort of situation, you try your best never to be caught out twice.

Nelson was truly remarkable, perhaps the most natural person have dived with underwater.
Having decided we didn't need to touch any part of the boat, we moved towards the Bow of
the Odyssey where we could find the mooring line that led us directly to the wreck of the
Kiyosumi Maru. Having a visual reference underwater can be very important in bad visibility
but also, for inexperienced divers, it simply helps them to navigate. t sounds simple enough,
to just sink to the sand and pick up the wreck but believe me, if your navigation skills (either
natural or mechanical) are a touch out, you can miss the wreck altogether. Additionally, it is
quite unnerving to sink directly through the water column with almost no visual references to
150

focus on. Descending 30m (100ft) may take a couple of minutes and looking at nothing, this
may seem a hell of lot longer.

Nelson looked to be in total control of his faculties, especially his buoyancy control which is
one of the most vital aspects of diving. By maintaining a nice steady heart beat and breathing
rate, you can relax and this manifests itself by having a rock solid profile in the water. f a
diver hyperventilates or generally is uncomfortable, the natural thing to do is to either bolt to
the surface or just to fidget about and look unsettled. Nelson answered all my underwater
signals, so keeping him close to one side of me, we went and had a little explore. f there is
one word in the American language find over used and over rated, it is 'Awesome'. However
on this occasion, he was precisely that. As we ended the dive and climbed the ladders up to
the dive deck, simply accused him of being a lying b'stard. Surely he had been diving in the
past 0 years.

f ever there was a natural, he was it. He assured me he had not and had surprised even
himself. Certainly he had never imagined he would have just been able to do what he had just
done. We dived together for most of the week and when couldn't be his Buddy, he went with
one of the Crew. %o a man, not one of us sensed any problems with him at any stage. He was
happy to dive in the way we thought fit and everything he saw was a bonus. He was a delight
to know. t turned out he was a very successful businessman but completely modest as well
which is fine by me. sensed he was very wealthy and though married with kids, had decided
to take some time to himself, something don't think he had been able to do in years. By the
end of the week, he had a tear in his eye as he tried to put into words how much he had loved
his week on board and how grateful he was to me and the other uides. He was well and
truly a happy bunny and was thoroughly looking forward to flying off to Palau and another
week of first class diving. Perhaps better than all of that, he intended to come back next year
and bring his 1 year old son with him.






151

hapter 34
The Bad.


iven enough people, chances are a few of them are Wankers. %hat is such a fantastic word
especially to the Americans. As the saying goes, 'America and Britain are countries, divided
by a common language'. No one seems to agree who made this quip. Was it Oscar Wilde,
eorge Bernard Shaw or even Winston Churchill? Whoever said it first, it is very true. n my
time, have come across a few wankers. t is probably a word that has been attributed to me
at some stage. Hell, am no angel.

%o the non-diving or perhaps could add, the nave community, the overwhelming
generalisation of being underwater is that it is dangerous. OK, can appreciate that. %he other
generalisation cannot really appreciate though is that all sharks are man eaters. Believe me
they are not. %hey are not even nibblers in my experience. For sure, if you are the poor
unfortunate soul who is in the wrong place at the wrong time, then things can go a bit tits up
but you can say that about your neighbours dog or being attacked by a %B infected badger.

find sharks fascinating, beautiful and incredible agile creatures. can truthfully say have
never once felt threatened by their presence. t is also true, treat them for what they are, a
wild animal with deadly instincts. f they need to eat, then they will eat and cannot blame
them for that. f man chooses to interfere with this instinct, man must suffer the
consequences. Surfing, swimming or diving in waters where sharks tend to roam is perhaps
not the best idea in the world, especially if that water is dirty and has bad visibility. f you
cannot see the shark, there is a fair bet it cannot see you either. Sometimes they bump into
unknown objects, just as we do in low visibility or bad light. Whereas we may stumble about
with our hands out in front of us, the only thing a shark can stumble about with, are its teeth.
Sharks tend to touch and taste with their teeth, which is a tad unfortunate for us, but there you
go, that's evolution for you.

have often been asked what the most dangerous thing have come across in the sea has
been. Shark? No. Portuguese Man o' War? Nope. A Sea Krait perhaps? Non. By far the most
dangerous thing have ever witnessed in the aquatic environment is the Male Ego. t can
prove to be deadly.

am sure all men have Egos, some women too but would like to think suppress mine for
the vast majority of the time. %here are times when someone pays you a complement and it is
always a good time for the Ego to be released and gently stroked, as long as it can then be
folded back up and returned to its little box, all safe and sound. What can't really stand, are
guys who throw up their Ego for every one to see. have seen too many Egos in my time and
each time see it metaphorically whipped out on the table, the more it frightens me and need
to suppress the urge to get a knife and cut it to pieces.

%he male Ego refers to the attitude and behaviour of a person who has an exaggerated
opinion of his capabilities and importance. Such a pratt is often perceived as pompous and
conceited. t doesn't seem to matter if they are young or old, married or single. For some
reason, their common characteristic is they are hiding from themselves. %hey have an
inferiority complex and alternate between feelings of superiority and inferiority in an attempt to
impress others. am by no means a Psychoanalyst but the commonality find with such
characters is that they are bullies and this may well stem from the fact they were bullied
themselves, at home or at school etc. Some Egos have seen have been so huge, they
manifest themselves in oversized people, both in personality and in physique.

came across such an oversized guy. Some would and did describe him as %railer %rash. A
huge mountain of a guy, shaved head, tattoos in all the wrong places and very, very loud. He
was married and she gave as good as she got so the two of them were hard work. Unless
spoke to him by himself where he could actually be quite sincere and pleasant, he was a
walking foghorn, obnoxious and tiresome prick. He was relatively well trained diving wise and
15

certainly had a lot of gear in his bag but that did not make him a particularly good diver. He
sucked down the air like there was no tomorrow which is fairly understandable for such a big
man but still, he didn't seem to have any consideration for those around him whether they
were on the boat or in the water.

At first, he would insist on diving with only his wife. %his didn't last too long. He would be out
of air well before she was and insist she came back to the boat when it suited him. Also, he
preferred to try and get into the darker and tighter spots whereas she preferred the more open
areas of the wrecks. %hey were not exactly compatible. When they decided to dive with
others, there wasn't exactly a line of people queuing up to be his Buddy. As the week
progressed, he found his Buddies were abandoning him with increasing regularity and
towards the end, the Crew reluctantly took up the slack and jumped in with him. %his is not
entirely true. A number of us were actually looking forward to knocking him down a peg or two
so to speak, but we needed to do it in a subtle way. He was a paying guest after all.

We knew he liked the small dark areas and we also heard his gas consumption was getting
better with double tanks slapped on his back. One of my colleagues decided to give him a
tour. %he uides know the wrecks extremely well and this guy really didn't stand a chance.
Usually, we would have a word in advance of the dive, explaining in detail where we intended
to go and agree to a plan, a depth, a time etc. don't think much was agreed to before this
particular dive. Our friend was taken on one of the darkest tours known to man. As long as he
kept in touch with the uide, he would be OK but quite simply, if he got distracted, it could
rapidly become a whole different story. Having led that specific dive on numerous occasions,
the uide is well aware of where he is at all times and as mentioned before, is constantly
listening to breathing rates and quietly looking at the guests to see if there is any sign of
distress.

At a convenient stage in the dive, the uides would normally turn around and check up on the
'patient' and make sure they were still with us, still alive and hopefully still smiling. f
positioned myself in the right place, could also read computer screens and air gauges
without them even noticing. n this way, could keep a fluid and seemingly never ending dive,
but also well aware of where could and could not go depending on circumstances. No matter
where was inside a wreck, was always aware of where the escape routes were, in case
they were needed.

When my colleague returned with our friend, the guy was surprisingly quiet. Not that he would
admit it, but think he had been genuinely scared at times and had certainly placed a huge
amount of faith in the uide, something would guess he very rarely did. Needless to say, he
was fair prettyly quiet after that. n fact he returned to dive with his wife and apart from when
he had a beer or in him, was as good as gold for the rest of the week.

My all time worst diver was a woman funnily enough. don't know why say that but find it
quite surprising. Having banged on about the male Ego, this was the Female form and it can
be just as frightening. She arrived with her husband on the late Sunday evening flight.
Because needed to take the outgoing guests to the airport for their flight home, was not on
the dive deck at the time the new guests set up their gear. %he trip to the airport took over an
hour but it is not unusual to return to the boat after midnight and still find some divers messing
about with cameras and videos etc. As long as they didn't need help, generally went straight
to bed. On this occasion, returned to the boat and saw the of them faffing about, but not in
a particularly efficient way. gleaned from the remaining Crew who were still conscious that
they were taking hours over mundane stuff but did not need assistance. thought no more of
it and went to find my
nd
favourite place on Earth. Bed.

rose from my usual slumber and the week began. enerator switch, compressor, restock
bar, breakie. As passed by the dive deck, could see the of them were still faffing but
seemed happy enough. %he boat moved, the boat stopped. %he morning safety and dive
briefing went ahead as usual and the guests started to gear up for the first dive of the week.
By this time, usually had a semi-grip as to the standard of diver on board. would usually
share a cup of coffee with the Captain who had checked all their certification cards the night
before. t was not unusual to have a mixture of relative beginners all the way to very
experienced divers (over 1000 dives to their name). We all knew to expect the unexpected
153

and tried to treat them all as individuals and not pre-judge them. Easier said than done at
times, let me assure you.

Anyway, as the remaining 14 guests went about gearing up, Buddying up and jumping
overboard, thought would sit back and see who needed some assistance. Once the initial
mayhem of about 10 people have jumped, would usually be left with a few remaining divers
who needed some minor assistance, whether it was a faulty mouthpiece or computer battery.
After such minor glitches, we could normally all be in the water without much of an issue.

As 14 divers left the boat, was still inquisitive to see the couple messing about. Despite
spending well over hours playing with their gear, they still didn't seem to be much closer to
jumping. t takes me all of minutes to sling on a rash vest and slide into my gear, so sat
and watched. After a further 0 minutes, it was evident they were still nowhere near ready
and began to worry they would not have time to complete dives before lunch. casually
mentioned this. She snarled at me!

After 3 more long minutes, thought we were making progress. %hey put on wetsuits and sat
down, but no, what was this? %hey both got up and went to grab another wetsuit each. At this
point, needed to make a suggestion.

"Erm, can't help noticing that you intend to wear thick wetsuits. mean, how much
neoprene is that covering your chest? 10mm seems a lot to me. dive in almost nothing so
am sure you won't get cold.

She snarled, kept schtum.

knew they didn't want guiding and didn't really intend to guide them at this point, but may
as well jump when they jumped and have a sneaky look at them in the water. %he lady
actually said something to me.

"We usually dive in California. We live in Burbank (near LA) and so we like to dive appropriate
to the conditions. We usually wear suits, a mm and then another 5mm on top, so that is
why we are slow in getting ready blah blah blah.

Bloody hell, they were wearing 1mm suits. %he water is constantly warm in Chuuk. think
would pass out in such heat. All very well diving to the conditions but you also need to adapt
to the conditions. No oceans are the same. California is well known for cold water but they
had flown 0 odd hours to escape the cold. Whatever, let's jump.

%hey jumped and let them get a couple of minutes head start on me. knew exactly where
wanted to go and in addition to exploring little holes here and there, kept an eye on what
they were up to. Very regimented in their diving, both wore double tanks and had some lovely
expensive kit to play with. Shame they couldn't dive for toffee though.

After about 45 minutes, saw the of them returning to mid-ship and begin their ascent. A
couple of minutes later, followed them up. was deeper than them but could see they were
both hanging and chilling on the Deco Bar that sits below the dive deck and gives the divers
something stable to hang on to as they complete their safety stop. %his is usually the last 3 or
5 minutes of the dive but the computer may calculate they need to make a stop considerably
longer than this. Either way, as reached the same depth, noticed the guy was alone and
she had gone. assumed she had completed her safety stop and had climbed aboard. was
wrong.

As took hold of the bar, the guy came over to me and with his hand signals, indicated his
Buddy had gone somewhere. Had seen her? answered back, had she finished and gone
up the ladder? Nope, she had let go of the bar and as the boat had swung in the wind, she
had drifted off. Shame. Anyway, she wouldn't have gone too far so wasn't too fussed. As the
boat swung back on its axis, expected to see her face emerge from the distance. After a
couple of swings on the boat, there was no sign. indicated for us to both exit the water.

154

As climbed one ladder, the Hubby climbed the other. He was pretty worried but wasn't at
this point. Hell, she was here 3 minutes ago and so she wasn't too far off. %here was a little
wind on the surface but nothing to write home about. We exited and returned to our individual
lockers on the dive deck. %he dive uides were busy filling tanks but asked them if they had
seen the lady, perhaps her bubbles were somewhere out there, indicating her position. She
had now been lost for about 5 minutes. %he last time she was spotted, she was only 3m (1ft
deep).

%ime progressed and we increasingly looked out to see. Such was the wind, if she popped
up, there was a 99% chance it would be behind us so we could scan in this direction. After 8
minutes or so, saw a floating coconut. Bugger. Ahh, but the coconut submerged. 5 seconds
later, it popped up again and turned towards the boat. %here was no response to my raised
arms to signal 'Are You OK'? She was definitely on the surface, looking straight at us but had
drifted about 50m (150ft) behind the boat. %his was far too far to throw a floaty thing at her
and actually a bit too far to shout, so my colleague eff took the buoy from the dive deck and
jumped in and swam. %he Buoy is attached to 50m (160ft) of line and the idea is simply to
allow her to hold on and we would drag them both back. As eff swam, it was obvious she
was not actually coming towards us and was probably out of range of the Buoy and line.
Catering for this eventuality, we tied another 30m (100ft) line to the first one and eff
continued to swim. When he got as far as the 80m (60ft) line allowed, he continued on
ahead and jumped it to swim out the Buoy. By the time eff had reached her, had also
reached the Buoy. could hear eff asking if she needed help but she was not answering him.
She was totally conscious and fully aware of what was happening, she was just being a pain
in the back side.

Rejecting his assistance, she started to swim towards me. When in fill Scuba, it is a lot easier
to swim on your back but she chose to swim forwards, so the full force of the waves and wind
were in her face. t took her a while to realise this and eventually turned over, swimming on
her back and periodically checking her direction. eff was right beside her as she approached
me. shouted to her to take hold of the Buoy as threw it towards her. Of course, just as it
was in the air, she turned around and the rubber floaty hit her square in the face. What a
shame.

"'%ake hold of the float and we will pull you in shouted.
" do not need any help thank you. am fine by myself.

eff and caught a glimpse of each others face and probably had the same look of disbelief
and frustration.

"ust take the float in your hands and we will pull you in. We are drifting further and further
from the boat. don't know if you realise, but the surface wind has really picked up.
" am perfectly fine swimming on my own came her reply.

was pissed off and don't mind admitting it.

"Listen, this is not an option right now. You WLL take the float and we WLL pull you to the
boat. You are not making any real headway against the wind and we need to get you back
right now. am in control here and you will do as say, OK. She took the float and the guys
on the deck pulled her in with eff and swimming along side.

Of course, by the time we were back to the ladders, the entire group and remainder of the
Crew had gathered to have a gawp. %his didn't really help but it was to be expected. %hese
sorts of dive Faux Pas are always a source of amusement.

As she took her place by her locker, rather thought eff and would soon be receiving a note
of thanks and gave her some space. Her hubby went to speak to her but all heard was more
of her snarling. He even asked her to apologise to the Crew but she would have none of it. As
eff and dried off, thought would have my say.

"Excuse me, am not looking for your thanks or apology but don't understand what is
happening here. You were on the Deco Bar with Hubby, you let go for some reason and then
155

the wind caused you to drift. don't know if you realised how far you were being pushed by
the wind but that is why we came to collect you. am sorry the Buoy hit you in the face but
you were not helping yourself or allowing eff and to bring you in. Her looked said it all and
walked off.

From that moment, the stories started to come out. %his lady was allegedly one of the most
senior divers in California. No only was she an nstructor, she was also a %echnical nstructor.
n addition, she had about 8000 dives to her name apparently and this is a lot, let me tell you.
Despite all this, she was still an idiot and did not like her one bit. was not alone it seems.
Lenny, the owner and Captain on that particular week had been ashore at the time and as
soon as he returned, thought had better grab a couple of minutes with him and put forward
my account, just in case it all erupted. %he thing like about Lenny is that he is very relaxed
about this sort of thing and knew he was fully on my side of events. %his was compounded
by the fact that he had been very close to chucking them off the boat almost as soon as they
had arrived. While was off on the Sunday night airport run, apparently she had been a real
pain in the backside, asking funny questions and generally being obnoxious. Lenny does not
suffer fools gladly and it had occurred to him that for his and the sanity of the boat, she may
have to leave well ahead of the regular check-out time.

For the rest of the week, this couple hardly spoke a word to anyone. Whereas the Stewardess
would always set 5 tables for the passengers and Crew for each meal, these always took
their cutlery to the 6
th
table and ate by themselves. Later on that week, again jumped in just
after they had, well after the rest of the passengers. Again, they had no idea was watching
them and stayed about 0m (60ft) above them, spying on them like an eagle. %heir
technique and signals were truly horrendous and have to admit, did wonder if was
witnessing some sort of underwater train wreck. swore to myself, not only would never be
taught by this nstructor, would never allow myself to Buddy with her either. Without a
shadow of a doubt, she was my least favourite diver.



156

hapter 35
Fuck Me That Hurts.


am very fortunate in many ways and one of these is my ability to tolerate pain. have fallen
from trees, had a road accident, fallen off scooters (more than once) and all sorts of boyish
stuff, but have yet to break a bone. damaged my back playing rugby but then who hasn't?
have even suffered a broken heart (perhaps more than once actually) but again, who hasn't?
For the most part, can shrug it all off and just get on with it. would like think when am in
pain, it truly hurts and so have the right to shed a man tear or .

n 1995, used to cycle from my house in Fulham to my place of work in Kensington. On one
occasion, pulled away from the traffic lights to cycle down %he Boltons (very smart pads)
and knew had pulled something in my back. was in bed and off work for 10 days with that
one.

n 1998, woke up on a Saturday morning and realised my foot hurt but had no idea why.
had been in the pub the night before but was not drunk and was certain had not been
drugged so how come didn't remember kicking a kerbstone? %he reason was because
hadn't. Many buprofen later and managed to control the pain. A month later it came back
but again managed to kill off the pain. Another month passed and went on a boys holiday
with my best University mates, to Ayia Napa in Cyrpus. During the flight, my foot hurt like a
skinned badger rolling around in salt. was in such pain, my great mate %reve had to give me
a piggy back through the airport. buprofen and umpteen in and %onics later and was good
to go. was later diagnosed with out. Yes, know it is an old mans problem and should be
40 before got it. was 6. can only describe the pain as 'take a ball hammer and whack it
against the metatarsal on the inside of my left foot'. %he pain can be excruciating and
certainly does not allow me to walk. ust trying to put a shoe on can reduce a grown man to
tears.

My greatest pain was suffered on the boat. t was such a memorable time in my life, even
made a diary entry and don't even keep one. t was une 006. had only been on the
Odyssey for about a couple of months when was struck down with a stomach bug one
Monday night. Not in the same league as my %ravellers Diarrhoea in %hailand, but it was still
enough to keep me out of the water for a day as tried to recoup the lost fluids in my body.
was dehydrated and exhausted but was able to drink a lot of atorade and eat some
granola bars.

4 hours after being violently ill, was now constipated so my week was not too good at this
point but managed to push on through, so to speak. By Friday, all this was behind me and
felt a lot better. t didn't last.

At 0:00 on Sunday morning, woke up feeling very, very hot. Fearing my fidgeting would
wake .. who was in the bunk below me, got out of bed and went outside. knew was in
pain but no idea why. When came across Mika (the night watchman), apparently he thought
was dying. was so pale and sweaty. wasn't dying but was in trouble. No matter what
did, where sat, how moved, was in pain but it wasn't constant. For 0 minutes, wanted to
die but then this would disappear for 5 minutes. No sooner had it gone, it would return and
have me in pieces on the floor. My initial thought was my appendix had ruptured or something
but nothing felt inflamed. From what could work out, the pain was coming from my kidney
but was not tender to the touch. t felt as though had a razor blade moving through my gut.
As soon as realised this, knew had a kidney stone.

%he pain of a kidney stone is really quite unbelievable. %hey say it is worse than childbirth and
can only begin to imagine that one. Not only was in a huge amount of agony, was a long,
long way from help. Stuck on boat, moored off an island which is still 1065km (66miles) from
uam and the nearest decent hospital only seemed to amplify the pain, not that was thinking
like that at the time. Unable to walk, talk or drink, was in a hell of a state for about 5 hours.
15

Luckily for me, the boat normally plays host to a doctor each week. guess they always have
money! Anyway, as luck would have it, Doc was an early riser and at 05:00 found me on all
4s in the %V lounge. t don't think it took too long for him to see was not in a good place! A
quick chat and examination easily confirmed my self-diagnosis. %hat was the good news. %he
bad news was there was nothing he could do for me. could not drink any fluid at this point
and he didn't have any decent drugs with him. needed something that would take out an
elephant. We talk about rating pain on a scale of 1-10. Let me tell you, that still doesn't cover
it.

Funnily enough, almost as quickly as the pain had started at 0:00, by 0:00 it had pretty
much gone. was able to walk, talk and drink. took a shower but could not pee. Luckily for
me, being Sunday morning we were moored close to the main island so thought would risk
it and take myself to the local hospital. %his was my first time in the Chuukese jungle but
found it OK, tucked up on the hillside over looking town. have not visited too many hospitals
in my time but this was not exactly what we expect in Blighty. f you believe the standard of
the NHS in the UK is not quite up to your standards, go take a look at a 3
rd
world hospital.
Suddenly you will feel so much better.

was directed to the Emergency Room which was not exactly like ER or Casualty if you catch
my drift. For starters, was all alone. %here were a couple of crappy old bed type structures
and some antiquated machines. t was all rather scary really. When the doctor came in, was
truly scared. %his guy was huge. OK, he was short but he was very rotund. %he rolls of fat on
his face caused him to have a squint. My guess is that he could barely see. He was a
Polynesian from the southern seas and had short stubby hands with a surprisingly girlie grip
for a handshake. His hands were so chunky he could barely write. can only imagine what his
poor little heart was trying to achieve. Certainly, just maintaining a pumping action must surely
have been a reason to celebrate.

t is always unnerving when the patient knows more than the doctor but on this occasion,
truly felt did. %he pain had completely disappeared, so was able to explain in accurate
detail what had happened only hours before. n addition, was able to tell him what the doctor
on board had said. My biggest worry at this time was the suspicion had not 'evacuated' the
stone or whatever had caused my pain. had still been unable to pee and there was a very
high chance the stone was still in my kidney and had not passed into my bladder. %here is no
way was going to accept any sort of invasive procedure on Chuuk and the nearest decent
medical establishment was on uam and that wasn't exactly down the road from Chuuk.
What needed and amazingly he agreed, was Morphine.

A quick rummage revealed he was out of Morphine. Did you know that the US, UK, France,
Australia, Canada and ermany consumes 9% of the worlds morphine supply? %hat does
not leave much for the rest of the world and right now, was in that part of the world. was
shit out of luck. %he best he could do was Demerol. am no pharmacist but took everything
he could provide me with.

During the following week, got a call from the hospital. Don't ask me how, but they had
'found' some drugs and would like some? Yes thank you very much, that would be lovely.
jumped on the skiff and took myself back to the main island and tried to track down my new
best friend. couldn't find him (perhaps his heart had packed up once and for all) but there
was a package waiting for me.

O 3 x 50mg pethidine hydrochloride (a powerful drug for relieving pain when others do
not hit the spot)
O x hypodermic needles
O x syringes

t was handed over without even so much as a signature. No money changed hands either.
was officially a State sponsored junkie guess.

A week later, had another kidney stone in the middle of night. Knowing what was happening
was a huge relief to me and rather than stab myself with the pain killer, sucked up the pain
for the 4 hours of hell. Apparently, in the UK would be signed off work for about 10 days with
158

a Kidney Stone, but this was Chuuk. was back in the water after a couple of bottles of
atorade.

t was quite fortunate in some ways had taken the time to visit the Emergency Room in
Chuuk because just a few weeks later had to go there again, though it wasn't me in trouble.
One night, one of the guests was taken ill which is never nice but not necessarily a cause of
alarm. nitial indications were it was not diving related. A call to DAN (the Divers Alert
Network) helped put our minds at ease as they too thought it was an unrelated case.

%he following morning, after the lady concerned had had a restless night and was in a degree
of discomfort, the decision was made to take her off the boat and to the clinic on the island.
uess who was assigned this enviable task? Yep, you guessed right. %he lady was a Brit and
a udge as well, from Manchester no less. remember her well though for the life of me,
cannot remember her name but let's assume it was Ann. Ann was onboard with her hubby
(let's call him Pete) and their 19 year old son. had spoken to Ann and Pete beforehand but
can't say knew them well at this stage. got to know them a whole load better that day.

n order to take Ann and Pete ashore, we needed to get on the big skiff and shoot over to the
main island of Weno. She was able to walk and talk, just a little weak and a touch worried.
had seen a whole lot worse and trying to be the optimist of the trio, tried to keep her spirits
up. 0 minutes later and having tied up to the dock, we made the short walk to the van and
began to drive into town. Because the hospital is on the other side of town and first hand
knowledge had taught me it was a place of last resort, decided we should go and see the
lovely Filipina doctor first and besides, her clinic was en route.

During the bumpy ride, we all started to chat and Ann made the comment about whether
knew anything about Strokes. Well can't say know a whole lot about Strokes but do
remember the symptoms of a Stroke using the acronym FAS%

O Facial weakness
O Arm weakness
O Speech problems
O Time to call the Emergency Services

'Please don't start having a Stroke on me now' were my exact thoughts at the time.

As we arrived at the clinic, Ann and Pete were able to hop out and go and see the Doc. took
the opportunity to nip to the hotel next door and sort out some Boat stuff with them. returned
to the clinic 5 minutes later to a horrifying noise. will never forget the sight of the doctor and
nurse as casually opened the door.

"We need to go to hospital right now, can you drive?

As the doctor was about to examine her at the clinic, she complained about being very hot
and passed out, just as had opened the door. A couple of us picked up Ann and had her in
the back of the van in next to no time, along with the doctor and Pete. jumped in the drivers
seat and set off like a bat out of hell, Chuukese style (which meant got up to 16kmh
(10mph)). Beeping my horn at every opportunity, we 'sped' our way through the town,
splashing in and out of deep potholes, covering the locals in thick mud, but they didn't seem
to care. Up the hill, turn to the right and voila, Chuuk Hospital in all its, err, glory. Ann had
been vomiting green bile during this journey and was pretty much unconscious by the time we
arrived.

A bunch of us managed to extract her from the van and onto the rickety old gurney and off
she went. had to park the van but this took next to no time and went straight to the
Emergency Room as suspected this is where she would be. t was also the only place had
been to in the hospital.

met the Filipina doctor as arrived at the ER. She looked seriously worried which in turn,
scared the crap out of me. She was not sure what had happened. Perhaps it was a Stroke
159

after all? %he doctor gave her chances at 50/50 right then and there. Oh shit. How am going
to deal with this was my immediate thought.

entered the ER to find Ann laid out on a crappy bed with an oxygen mask over her face
which was the least they could do. Pete looked truly terrible, understandably so. Various
people came and went, Pete paced and sat watching and asking questions. Some were
answered, others not. Ann was in and out of consciousness but at least did not appear to be
in pain or anything else for that matter, she was just out of it. %hen it all got a lot more
exciting. Pete had paced himself too hard and feinted almost right on top of me. So, there we
were. beds in the ER, Ann was on one and Pete on the other. Both were unconscious and
on O. What was going through my mind at this time? was actually trying to work out what
was going to have to say to their son, who to the best of my knowledge was still on the boat
and probably still enjoying his diving holiday.

A few minutes passed before Pete did the decent thing and regained consciousness. Well,
one down, one to go guess. Not long afterwards, Ann stirred and things started to look a lot
more positive. %he 'medics' ('m afraid need to use that in the loosest of terms), needed her
to stabilise before attempting anything medicinal and set about conducting some tests,
drawing blood, an EC and stuff that involve gels, pads and electricity. was persistent in
believing this was not diving related and they needed to test for additional causes. t is an
easy answer to look at a diver and blame the water for their problems but in my experience,
plus those on the boat and DAN, we had all come to the non-technical conclusion we were
looking at something different and so the medics needed to keep an open mind with Ann.

After a couple of hours, Pete was back to being just a nervous wreck and Ann's tests
revealed a suspected kidney infection which in many ways was a huge relief. Best thing for
her at this stage was a good drip of liquid medicine and some rest. %hat sounded good to me.

Pete and spent the next couple of hours sorting out various things. Obviously, she was not
going to return to diving this week and it would be best to check in to a hotel which would at
least be on the island should things turn a bit pear shaped over the coming days. Once a
room was reserved, we returned to the boat, had a chat with the son (who seemed to be
completely unaffected by what we were telling him), packed a bag or and headed back on
the skiff to the hospital. A quick peak in the ER told us she had been moved elsewhere
(hopefully not the basement). We found her in the recovery ward, surrounded by people.
nitially was worried they were vultures but it could not have been further from the truth. %he
Chuukese people have a very caring nature and seeing a White lady in a room,
unaccompanied by anyone else, Ann had immediately become the centre of attention for all
those present. Any grapes or chocolates that had been intended for their own flesh and blood,
seemed to have been handed over to Ann instead. guess the Chuukese patients would have
to starve in the meantime.

Ann's drip had almost finished and she was in a damn site better frame of mind than when we
had left her a few hours before. With assistance, she was able to get in the crappy wheel
chair and we had her back in the van.

After had dropped Pete and Ann back at the hotel and left them to settle, returned to the
boat. just crossed my fingers that all would be OK. %his was Wednesday afternoon. On
Friday, Nick (the Captain) took the opportunity to nip back into town and check up on them in
the process. %o my great delight, they were both sitting on the dock, admiring the beautiful
views and taking in the warmth of the sun. %hough weak, Ann was a whole lot better and went
onto make a full recovery. t had been a bit of a close call that one and one would not like to
repeat than you very much.




160

hapter 36
TechnicaIIy Speaking


As you have no doubt established, this book is about many things but Scuba Diving lies at its
heart. have intentionally tried to write this in a manner that doesn't require the reader to be
au fait with diving terminology or even to have been underwater come to think of it. However,
to try and explain the following points, why Chuuk is so impressive, what is meant by
Decompression Sickness (the Bends) etc. feel the time has come to explain in some depth
(pun intended) some fairly basic diving terminology. do not intend to write the definite guide
to diving. %here are plenty of dive shops, books and DVDs throughout the world that teaches
this. %his is my Rough uide to Diving.

Ask a diver why he dives and the answers are often varied, sometimes incomprehensible.
Diving is loved by both sexes, all ages and all sections of society. You don't have to be filthy
rich, you don't even need to be employed. You can do it in rivers, flooded mine shafts,
mountain lakes and tropical waters. You may be blind, you may even be French. t has a
universal appeal and for the most part, is available throughout the world.

Officially, every diver on the planet should have gone through some basic training before
heading into the depths. n reality this is not always the case but the unofficial divers are a
relatively rare breed. %here is no diving Police Force, dedicated to patrolling the waters in
their stealth boats, checking up on people's credentials. t is a relatively self-regulated sport
and this seems to work well. Accidents, like in any leisure activity are always present but they
are by no means out of control. would like to think we all dive within our abilities and our
comfort zones and once in a while, getting a little caught out can be a healthy thing in the long
run.

Anyone can buy dive gear. Even your ranny can pop down the local shop and buy you
some state of the art stuff. Prices range to suit your budget but it is well worth trying to buy the
best you can afford and if you treat it well, it can last for decades. have met a number of
divers who will never release their grip on their favourite mask or a pair of fins they bought
back in the day. Working in the industry, have luckily acquired almost everything want at
cost price and often, for free. %hat said, am by no means a gear freak. Some divers take
hours to get ready and can look like a Christmas %ree by the time they are ready. try to be
more streamlined, taking only the essentials with me unless for each dive. Occasionally, the
environment dictates the need to take additional stuff.

All divers need to present a basic certification card before they can rent some gear and dive
with an official shop or resort. %he same goes for filling Scuba tanks. Unlike taking the car to
the local petrol station, each diver must prove they are certified before getting their tanks
filled. ranny is not allowed to do this on your behalf. Some people, may even try to blend
their own breathing gas, literally in their own garage. Certainly this was the case for the
'Pioneers' of divers, those who tried to establish and push the boundaries. %his obviously
allows them to be far more flexible but it can also create all sorts of dangers. An ill maintained
compressor will kill. An incorrect gas mix will kill. A contaminated fill will kill. Do need to
continue?

Depending on the environment, you may need additional accreditation before being let loose.
Cold water diving often requires the use of a dry suit rather than a conventional wetsuit. As
the name suggests, a dry suit should keep you dry and therefore more comfortable. Rather
than trapping a layer of water between the suit and the skin, the dry suit uses the body's
warmth to heat the trapped air, rather like the cavity wall insulation in a house. Air is not the
optimum in efficiency and so some divers use Argon gas in their suits because this is quicker
to heat and therefore more efficient to keep you all nice and toasty.

%he vast majority of divers would be classified as Recreational, as explained in earlier. %hey
dive for the shear enjoyment of it and are prepared to spend considerable time and money on
161

doing this. Some Recreational divers will dive throughout the year because as long as they
are wet, they are happy. Others are content to jump overboard a few times a year or perhaps
spend their entire vacation dedicated to it. Most semi-serious divers will be happy to invest in
their own equipment. %he basics would be a mask, snorkel and decent set of fins. Next on the
shopping list is often a dive computer. %his is not a laptop by the way. Usually mounted either
on the wrist like a watch or into a console attached by a hose to the tank, the dive computer
has rapidly become a necessity. %here are hundreds of designs and prices to choose from,
but they all cover the same ground. Constantly monitoring your dive profile (your depth and
time underwater), they calculate what you should and shouldn't be doing at any given time.
Diving to 10m (33ft) is very different to diving to 40m (10ft) and the computer will attempt to
bring me back from such a profile with a smile on my face. t is by no means fool proof and
anyone who thinks it will save their life, is a fool. %hat is why education and training is so
important.

Appreciating the effects of depth, time and pressure on the human body are vital. gnoring
what your body is telling you is a death sentence. don't want to sound too dramatic but there
can be a fine line at times. Even if your computer tells you are diving in what it deems a
correct and safe manner may not suffice. Every day, our bodies are a little older and saggier.
What may work on day 1 may not work on day .

Next on the shopping list is normally the BCD (Buoyancy Control Device). %his is a jacket and
can be inflated or deflated to control the buoyancy. Add air and you float. Deflate and you
generally sink. Adding a small amount of air in shallow water may be enough to keep a fully
grown man afloat. However, due to the effects of pressure, if you added the exact same
quantity of air in deeper water, it may not be sufficient to raise the person in any way and so
the diver needs to add more air to take him to shallow water. Having said that, the BCD
should not be viewed as the primary way of maintaining buoyancy control and in fact, this is a
bad habit to fall into. t sounds a little weird but a good diver will be able to control their depth,
not by adding or deleting air from their jacket but by breathing. Your lungs are a very efficient
and precise bladder. Breathe in and inflate the lungs and you will surely rise. Likewise, exhale
and you will sink. Care needs to be taken with this though. f you breathe in and begin to rise,
you must always gently exhale as you do so. f you hold your breath, the air in the lungs will
expand as you rise and will eventually lead to a condition where the lungs have expanded to
their capacity but the air is trapped. %rapped air needs a way out. Exhaling will allow this.

A lot of divers, be they beginners or experienced, believe they should rely on lead weights to
sink but this is not necessarily the case. For sure, some people are heavier than others but is
this fat or bone structure? A lean, muscular man may weigh as much as a fat bloke but their
bodies may react very differently in water. Muscle tends to sink, fat tends to float and may
therefore require lead to get it under. %his may well be true but technique is equally important
and with practice, there is every possibility the fat dude can dump the lead (or certainly a
large amount to it) and still sink. Exhaling will empty the lungs of air and thus, should allow
you to submerge. n the shallower water, this may be a bit of an effort but once you submerge
to a 'magical' depth, the weight of water above you, helps to keep you under. %he ideal
scenario is to be able to manoeuvre up and down the water column simply by adjusting your
breathing technique to suit the environment. Lead weights are bulky and cumbersome and
believe me, there is nothing more liberating that being able to shoot passed obstacles simply
by breathing in and out. t is a lot more relaxing, uses less effort and thus less air. %his allows
the diver to remain underwater for longer if they so wish. Salt water is naturally more buoyant
than fresh and requires a little more effort to sink. can dive in a 3mm or 5mm wetsuit in salt
water and an aluminium Scuba tank, with no need for lead weight. Diving is after all, a lazy
activity. %hat is why like it.

All the other bit and bobs are subject to personal taste. Lights, communication devices,
cameras, videos etc. can all be added as and when required.

Recreational divers will always dive with a single Scuba tank on their back. Although this
tends to be made of Aluminium, it may be made of Steel and if you are seriously loaded, you
may even shell out on a carbon fibre tank. Similar to what a fire fighter uses, Scuba is a Self
Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus and it does exactly what it says on the tin. f you
need additional volume, you can either upgrade the size of it, or become a %echnical diver.
16


%echnical diving has been around for years but is increasingly becoming more mainstream as
the certifying agencies catch up with what divers want to gain from their time underwater. t is
human nature to be inquisitive, to try and expand their horizons and try something different,
even something more dangerous. Divers do not tend to be adrenaline junkies per se, but
there is always going to be a gang of people, who want to think and go beyond the box.

Although took my Open Water nstructor accreditation with PAD, am certified for %echnical
Diving with %D (%echnical Diving nternational). %D is a relatively new accreditation agency
(1993) but is extremely well respected. %hey offer a large range of course, designed to
educate recreational divers and allow them to dive beyond their previous limitations, in a safe
manner. Diving that much deeper and in more confined and over head environments is not for
the inexperienced and certainly not for everyone.

%echnical Diving is generally training people to become more self-reliant (if your Buddy is
there, then great but don't count on it) and opens the door to different blends of gases
(moving from Air to Enriched Air Nitrox and Helium). Adjusting the gas mixture can offer more
versatility to the diver. Air, the very gas you are no doubt breathing right now, is primarily
made of gases, Oxygen (1%) and Nitrogen (9%). By increasing the amount of Oxygen
within the mix, allows more of it to enter the blood stream, thus reducing the amount of
Nitrogen. Oxygen is good for us. Nitrogen is inert. As with everything in life, there is a balance
to be struck when mixing gases. Additional Oxygen may help alleviate the possibility of
getting bent (Decompression Sickness) but it also turns toxic at depth. %he deeper the water,
the more toxic the gas. %herefore, we cannot simply jump in with a 100% mix of Oxygen
because it will becomes toxic in just 6m (19ft) of water. A 50% mix allows me to dive to a
maximum depth of m (ft) and a 1% (Air) mix allows me to hit 65m (14ft).

f want to dive deeper than 65m (14ft), then we shift another gear into %rimix, injecting
Helium in to the mix. Again there are disadvantages with this mix, most notably that Helium
conducts heat away from the body 6 times faster than air and so the diver can easily suffer
from hyperthermia.

Stepping into even more technical territory are those who choose (and can afford) Closed
Circuit Rebreathers (CCR). %he Rebreather is the ultimate in recycling but not in the 'Put your
rubbish bins out on a Wednesday' recycling sort of way. As the diver exhales, instead of this
waste gas being breathed out into the water in the form of bubbles, the CCR system recycles
this 'off gas' back into the system. Exhaled gas is high in Carbon Dioxide and low in Oxygen.
%he unit takes out the excess CO and injects an amount of Oxygen back in to the gas,
allowing it to be used over and over again. %he unit also gives the diver the optimum
enriched gas mix for any given depth throughout the dive. %he system always requires a
couple of small Scuba tanks (normally one containing Air and another for 100% Oxygen) but
the efficiency of the unit allows a small amount to last a long time. %hus, the diver can
stay for longer than a Recreational diver and can easily accelerate decompression on
%echnical dives. Believe me, there is far more to it than that, but am by no means an
authority on this.

f there is one word you need to remember when diving, it is Complacency. t is all too easy
for things to go wrong. t may be diver error, it may be mechanical, it may be electronic.
Whichever one fails, it may kill you.


163

hapter 37
'Being Bent' Has More Than One Meaning


would say it is a fair bet that most readers, whether divers or not, have heard the term 'Being
Bent'. t is a funny saying, made even funnier knowing the Course Director who trained me to
become an nstructor, is called Bent. Within the diving community, it has nothing to do with
homosexuality.

%he Bends or being Bent is the phrase associated with Decompression Sickness (DCS), a
condition related to diving. According to the fantastic non-profit organisation DAN (Divers Alert
Network), DCS is a 'syndrome caused by bubbles of inert gas forming in the tissues and
bloodstream during or after ascent from a dive'. So what does that mean?

As the diver descends underwater, the pressure of the water pushes the inert Nitrogen from
the blood, into the tissues. %hese 'micro-bubbles' cannot be seen or felt by the diver but they
do exist. For as long as the diver remains submerged, these tiny bubbles remain in solution
and can move through the body without any effect. However, as the diver ascends towards
the surface, the pressure of the surrounding water reduces and these micro-bubbles will
naturally try to expand. As an example, take a bottle of Coke and give it a little shake. We all
know what will happen if we then try to open it quickly. %he rapid expansion of the tiny
bubbles in the solution will cause the fluid to escape too quickly and it erupts all over you,
causing a mess. OK, so how do we prevent this rapid evacuation? We chill out. f you take
another Coke and give it a shake, common sense and experience tells us to do things. We
should wait a while for it to settle and then we should open it gently. Voila, we can enjoy the
entire contents of the bottle and nothing is spilt.

Returning to the diver, as he begins to ascend, the micro-bubbles in his blood are trying to
expand. %he rate at which they do this can vary on a number of factors but we mainly
concentrate on the depth and the time of the dive. As the diver ascends from depth, he must
be aware of DCS and thus ascend at a moderate rate. %his is generally set at 18m (60ft) a
minute but most divers would still say this is too fast. will always ascend a lot slower than
that. By taking my time, am banking on (and hoping) my body doing its job and allowing the
micro-bubbles to remain small enough to remain in solution. f ascend too quickly, run the
risk they will expand in my blood and cause a blockage. Rather like a blood clot will cause a
brain haemorrhage, large bubbles will do similar damage. Because DCS is only caused by
ascending, you will never suffer from it underwater but you obviously need to surface at some
stage.

Most divers who play around on coral reefs or in shallow waters tend to dive within
recreational guidelines and their dive profiles are within certain parameters. As you jump over
board, your computer will calculate lots of information, instantly. Of primary interest for most
people, is the computers ability to tell you how much time you can stay at depth. Diving to
30m (100ft) only allows around minutes of play time before the computer goes into
decompression. f you dive within these parameters, the theory allows you to ascend directly
to the surface without the need to stop on the way up. OK, that is the theory but it is still not a
great idea and every diver in the world knows they should conduct a short 3 or 5 minute stop
at a depth of 5m (15ft) before finally reaches for the surface. %his short stop (Safety Stop) is
designed to allow your body to adjust as it ascends and gives your blood some valuable extra
time to ensure the inert Nitrogen bubbles remain in solution. t is worth adding, just because
your computer says you are OK, it is only a computer. %rust your brain more. f you feel the
need to stay for a few minutes more, you should do so.

But what happens if want to dive for longer than the computer suggests? Well, then we
move into the technical domain of Decompression Diving. Deco Diving allows the diver to go
beyond the remit of Recreational diving and to some extent, overrule their computer. As you
can imagine, the consequences of such actions are not for the feint hearted and so you really
need to know what your computer and your head are telling you before you attempt it.
164

For a long time, accreditation agencies recommended that divers did not attempt Deco Dives.
%o some extent, it was perceived that Deco = Death. With more divers undertaking further
qualifications and with advances in medicine and technology, deco dives are becoming more
mainstream.

Chuuk Lagoon is an environment where Decompression Diving is the norm, but that does not
mean it is a requirement. uests would still opt to dive within their personal limits and this was
fine by me. would never want to dive with someone who was outside their comfort zone. All
it meant was they would be relatively restricted in where they could go and what they would
see. For most guests, to truly maximise their enjoyment of the wreck, they would usually need
to penetrate into the dark zone and more often than not, would conduct a decompression
dive.

Without sounding blas (again), a Decompression Dive simply means you can no longer
ascend directly to the surface. Whereas the general rule of the Safety Stop is a
recommendation, if you are in Decompression, such stops become mandatory. %he longer
and deeper you dive, once you have exceeded the no-decompression time of the computer,
you will be 'penalised' by having a longer deco stop before you can grab that cup of tea or
tuck into some M&Ms. Remember these famous Deco Pills? Well they don't really help but
they do taste good.

ust because your computer switches from the no-deco to the deco mode, does not mean the
diver should terminate the dive but it does require him to make a decision. As long as their
gas supply is sufficient, he may decide to stay underwater and see as much as he can in the
limited time available. t is not sufficient to simply decide you want to make a 60 minute dive.
For starters, is there enough to amuse you for an hour? Chances are, Yes. Do you have
enough gas to survive an hour? With practice, most divers can last more than an hour but the
deeper the water, the more gas will be used on each breath. %his is simple physics. f the dive
involved decompression stops, this needs to be calculated into the dive time. t is no good
having fun for 50 minutes and then heading home, only to find your computer requires you to
spend another 35 minutes of decompression stops before you can smell the fresh air. f you
have not calculated your gas supply to last a total of 85 minutes (and still have some extra
'just in case') then you could be heading up the creek with no paddle.

really enjoy Decompression diving. For sure, it allows me to see a lot more stuff and in
Chuuk, such stuff is fascinating and occasionally, utterly unique. My longest series of
decompression stops was 54 minutes. Single tank, dive on the deep wreck for as long as
could and then head on up but taking 54 minutes to ascend. My profile from surface to
surface was 8 minutes. n beautiful blue, warm water and without the need to wear a wetsuit,
this sort of thing was fun. f there were other people around, it could be quite sociable
although no one really mucked about. t takes a considerable amount of concentration rather
like being told to drive down the road at a series of dedicated speeds. f you are not
concentrating on maintaining 54mph, it is too easy to go above and below this speed. f my
computer told me to maintain 9m (30ft) for minutes, unless was physically holding onto
something, could easily drop down and likewise, rise.

%o try and alleviate the boredom of long, deep stops, some divers have things to play with.
had a golf ball which provided me with endless entertainment. Some really techie computers
even come with games. Some people would carry a paper back book and each time they
finished a page, would simply rip it out. Others had underwater plastic slates to play games
and 'chat' to one another. Ever tried chatting up a girl underwater? have and it worked! %he
most direct message witnessed underwater (and it was not directed at me) was from a wife
to her husband. 'ust wait till we get back on board. am going to fuck you so hard.' don't
know what you can say about that sort of thing

Unfortunately, things can go wrong but rarely underwater funnily enough. Very few accidents
or incidents are in water. Most are on the surface, the boat, the land etc. Decompression
Sickness manifests itself in categories;

O DS 1 -- Decompression sickness involving only muscle and joint pain, fatigue and/or
skin symptoms (itching, rash).
165

O DS 2 -- Decompression sickness that includes symptoms involving the central
nervous system, respiratory system or circulatory system.

DCS 1 is sometimes referred to as the Skin Bends and as the name suggests, is shown by a
bruising effect of the skin. %his is relatively common though know a lot of divers have never
seen it. t may occur very quickly or sometimes, several hours after a dive. Human nature,
especially among men, means we are sometimes in denial and try to avoid thinking we are
bent. f it is not diagnosed and treaty, it will frequently develop into DCS . have seen a lot
of cases of the skin bends and generally speaking, there is little to worry about. Even DAN,
with all their expertise and limited resources, cannot really explain the reasons behind it.
Rather like a histamine reaction or a mild insect bite or sting, the skin tends to mildly swell
and heat up. %he skins appears to be bruised though not painful and it tends to favour the
fatty tissues of the body, namely under the arms, the chest (especially on women) and the
abdomen.

have seen a lot of DCS 1 cases and though unpleasant for the patient, have never
personally seen it develop any further. Occasionally we see the signs within minutes,
sometimes the patient is in denial or is unaware of it until they change for the next dive.
Seeing people in various states of undress, my colleagues and were often able to catch it in
time.

%reatment is relatively simple as well. Lots of water to hydrate the body, pure Oxygen (0
minutes cycles) and then rest. t is strongly advised the diver remains out of the water for at
least 4 hours and dives pretty cautiously afterwards. For the most part, it is not much more
than an inconvenience and causes the diver to miss some exciting dives. n areas such as
Chuuk, dehydration is a major factor in most cases. Having flown half way around the world,
the body dries out and once on Chuuk, with its high temperatures and humidity, it is all too
easy to dehydrate. Shortly after arrived on Chuuk, suffered from some wicked headaches
immediately after diving and sometimes underwater as well. Nothing ever came of it, but
soon got into the habit of downing a lot of fluids. may have had an occasional can of Coke
and barely touched alcohol. drank water and other juices by the bucket load.

DCS can be a much more serious issue to divers and is often referred to as '%he Bends'. t
often requires medical attention and the vast majority of cases are required to spend time in a
Recompression Chamber.

Decompression Sickness is basically when the blood contains trapped bubbles of the inert
Nitrogen gas. As the diver ascends from the dive, adequate time must be made for the
nitrogen to remain in a soluble form. f the ascent is too rapid, nitrogen may move from a
soluble form within the tissues, to a bubble formed in the bloodstream. %his is not good.
Depending on the size of the bubbles, the blood struggles to circulate to the spinal cord and
brain, resulting in numbness, paralysis and disorders of higher cerebral. f large numbers of
bubbles are able to enter the venous bloodstream, congestive symptoms in the lung and
circulatory shock can then occur.

Signs of DS Symptoms of DS
O Skin may show a blotchy rash O Unusual fatigue
O Paralysis, muscle weakness O Skin itch
O Difficulty urinating O Dizziness, vertigo, ringing in the ears
O Amnesia, tremors O Numbness, tingling and paralysis
O Staggering O Shortness of breath
O Coughing up bloody, frothy sputum O Pain in joints and/or muscles of the
arms, legs or torso
O Collapse or unconsciousness
O Confusion, personality changes,
bizarre behaviour



%hese signs and symptoms can manifest themselves up to 1 hours from a dive and in rare
instances, can occur immediately before or after surfacing. remember reading a well known
case of the diver dying as they climbed the ladder to the dive deck. have been witness to
166

several cases of DCS . t is not always simple to absolutely determine the cause of the DCS.
Sometimes you just have to accept it has occurred, you don't know why and just get on and
treat it. have met many DAN doctors in my time, who tend to be leading authorities on this
and all related medical conditions but they will often be the first to admit, despite the money,
time and science spent on diving medicine, occasionally it still baffles us all.

%reatment is in a Recompression Chamber which is not found on every street corner as you
may imagine. %hey are not cheap either, especially private chambers and if a diver is not
insured, their entire life savings can disappear in a matter of a few hours; 650 ($10,000) an
hour in some instances and a minimum treatment is usually around 5 hours. %he
Recompression Chamber is an amazing piece of engineering, simulating the pressure of a
dive. %he chamber simulates the 'return' of the patient to the pressure of being underwater.
By breathing Oxygen at pressure, it forces the deadly Nitrogen bubbles back into solution and
forces them to evacuate the body. have never been treated for DCS, nor do want to. hear
it is extremely painful, arduous and boring and the treatment can drag on for days or even
longer and you have to wonder, if you have suffered from it before, are you more prone to
suffering it again?

once dived with a British Surgeon of all people. Very nice chap and we had a very easy dive
together, nothing technical or demanding. He had a nice camera and modelled for him on a
couple of shots but as he was low on gas before me, he made his way back to the boat.
When returned, was quite surprised to see he was not on the deck. Most of the time,
people tend to take their time having a shower and dry off and usually wait to thank the uide
as they emerge from the water.

As it turned out, the Doctor had quickly showered and returned to his cabin and unknown to
anyone else, proceeded to do a few exercises, push ups etc. He was training for an ron Man
event. Exercise after diving simply flushes the blood faster than it wants and as such,
occasionally some bubbles are still present and move into places they shouldn't, such as the
brain. Luckily, the gentleman's wife went to the cabin shortly afterwards and found him curled
up at the bottom of the bed on the floor in agony. Barely conscious, it was a very scary sight.
He had to be stretchered off the boat on a back board, in a lot of pain. Fortunately he
responded well to the chamber treatment and went on to make a full recovery.

On another occasion, we knew a guest on board with his sons was getting pretty stressed
out. He made several phone calls on his Sat phone one morning as apparently he was about
to lose a multi-million dollar land deal. He dived with his sons and everything was fine. was
on the dive deck, filling the Scuba tanks in the usual way when noticed he had come from
making a cup of tea and was now standing beside me. As he was in the middle of telling me
he didn't feel too well, he collapsed there and then into my arms. A dead weight like that
almost took me down too. He was completely out cold for a couple of minutes before
regaining some sort of consciousness. Again, he was treated in the chamber and over time,
went on to make a full recovery as far as know.

%hese guys have been 'fortunate' in many ways. OK, it has made a mess of their vacation
but at least they survived. Others have not.

Returning to my time in St. Kitts, Auston and had had a good day catching lobster off Nevis.
was having my usual siesta on the boat and Auston was driving. stirred from my slumber
when heard the engines slow. Auston had seen a local fishing boat and went over to see
them. As we approached them, it was immediately evident one of the guys in the boat was in
serious trouble and more than likely, he was bent. Decompression Sickness can easily be
fatal if not treated very quickly. %here were 4 West ndian guys in the boat but one of them
appeared to be lying in the bottom, unconscious. His mates hadn't a clue what to do with him
and had a look of being scared shitless. Being scared is sometimes a good thing. Being
scared before an event may prevent you from having an accident and avoid danger. Being
scared after an accident can count against you, causing you to freeze, panic and add further
complications to a dangerous situation. Panic is the action that will kill you even if the physical
situation will not. Without action, these guys could easily end up panicking. %hey needed our
help and we knew it.

16

%he guy in the bottom of the boat was barely conscious, severe slurred speech and was
unable to stand or sit without a lot of assistance. nstinctively, Auston and knew he needed
to be hospitalised at the very least, but for now, all we could offer was Oxygen. f this guy was
bent, his blood would probably be like foam and therefore restrict its journey through the
body. mmediate signs and symptoms could be this slurred speech and lack of coherence. By
administering emergency Oxygen, we tried to alleviate the effects of the Nitrogen in the blood.
f were able to add a high percentage of Oxygen to his blood flow, the idea and hope was this
would replace the harmful Nitrogen bubbles and hopefully allow his blood to start flowing
again. Obviously the sooner this could happen, the better his chances.

As soon as the victim was on our boat, Auston set off towards the dock on Nevis but this was
still a good 45 minutes away. We carried a small amount of pure O on the boat and got the
guy to breathe it. He was in a hell of a shit state. Using his cell phone, Auston called Nevis
hospital and explained we were heading to the dock and we needed them to meet us there
with an ambulance. By talking to one of the other fishermen who were following us in their
boat, we were able to establish the cause. %hey had been fishing for Conch, a shell fish.
%hough incredibly easy to catch (think of a sea snail and the speed in which it moves), they
are hard to find, mostly because of the depth. had seen a few in less than 30m (100ft) but
most seem to live in deep water. %his guy had been at 50m (160ft). Not only that, he had
been there for 5 minutes. %his is a huge amount of time to be spent searching the seabed at
that depth by anyone's standards. %he West ndian fishermen are rarely educated in diving
physics and physiology and do not seem to consider the effects of a rapid ascent from such
depths. %his guy should have ascended at a very slow rate, stopping at several depths to
decompress. t is highly likely though, after he had filled his bag, he had swum or had been
pulled to the surface without any safety considerations. %he result was plain to see.
Fortunately for him the pain was being dulled by his state of unconsciousness.

f it wasn't so serious, the hand over on Nevis was close to being farcical. As we approached
the dock, we saw the ambulance heading through the gate and drive towards us. As the
ambulance approached, we could see the driver wanted to do a 3 point turn, so he could pick
up the guy and immediately drive off the dock. %he problem was, the dock was so narrow, the
3 point turn was more like a 4 point turn. As the ambulance driver realised he had fucked up,
he had also reached a point of no return and needed to continue his manoeuvre. At least his
Paramedic had got out of the vehicle during this time and came to help us. Aside from a basic
first aid kit with bandages and paracetamol, she wasn't carrying much, certainly no more
Oxygen. %here was no stretcher or gurney. Presumably that was still in the back on the
ambulance which was now positioned so that both front and rear wheels could shoot off the
dock with one false move by Michael Shumacher at the wheel.

have to say, this so-called Paramedic was not filling me or Auston with confidence. She had
obviously not heard of Decompression Sickness and from the state of her reaction, clearly felt
the best she could do for this poor guy was to push him overboard, we could all pretend
nothing had happened and go home for tea and biscuits. was still holding the Oxygen mask
over the patients head as Auston called for the fishermen to come and help us pick him up,
get him off the boat and onto the ambulance. By this time, Schumacher had stopped the
vehicle and was opening the rear doors. t was immediately evident that there was no gurney.
%here was some sort of bed in the back, but it didn't appear to move. f you have ever lifted a
dead weight like this, let me assure you, a fully grown man appears to weigh 3 times what you
expect. %he poor guy was still in and out of consciousness, had me holding his head with a
mask strapped over his mouth and eyes and he was now in more and more pain as he
became more aware of his surroundings.

Eventually, he was well and truly plonked in the bed. t was quickly established there was no
Oxygen on board and our tiny bottle was finished. Rather than risk losing it, we removed the
face mask and sent them on their way. Schumy kick started the engines and sped off down
the dock. At this point, should just add that this ambulance appeared to be an old one
donated from the London Ambulance service. ndeed, most of the fire engines and
ambulances were 'second hand', donated by the Mother country.

As we wished the fishermen a farewell cheerio, Auston (who could speak with a great West
ndian accent), pointed out to the fishermen they should not allow their mate to dive again. t
168

would no doubt kill him even if he actually survived this trauma. %here was no chamber on
Nevis or St. Kitts. %he nearest one was on Saba, which was only about 50 miles away, but
without medical or diving insurance, this was not going to be an option to the locals. Not that
am religious, but this guys best bet was probably to suck down as much O as the sland
could spare and then add a whopping dose of Prayer.

Amazingly, we saw our victim 48 hours later, alive and. OK. couldn't say he was well, but
he was at least alive, stumbling down the road in Basseterre, St. Kitts. We later heard, he had
returned to dive less than weeks later. and died. am not a doctor, but would probably
guess that these facts were related.



169

hapter 38
WorIds Greatest Wreck Diving Destination


Understanding the history, especially the WW history of Chuuk (formerly known as %ruk
Lagoon) explains why it is held in such high regard among serious and the not-so-serious
wreck divers of the world. %here are some fantastic and fascinating books dedicated to this
and there is no way want or could emulate them, but it is definitely worth trying to give you
some background before bang on too much about the wrecks themselves.

Over the centuries, Chuuk has been colonised and exploited by many nations. %he Spanish,
French, Russians, Portuguese, British, ermans, apanese and Americans have all had their
say here. No wonder they chose independence from the USA in 1986, and the Federated
States of Micronesia were formerly recognised by the UN in 1990. Although it is said to be the
second largest Atoll in the world (63km or 40 miles across and surrounded by almost
impenetrable shallow reefs), it is a mere speck in an otherwise glorious blue Pacific ocean.
According to the CA, its present concerns include large-scale unemployment, over fishing,
and over dependence on US aid. can go along with that.

After the 1
st
World War, Chuuk was administered by the apanese. n the days before spy
planes and satellites, mperial apan was able to fortify Chuuk relatively un-chartered. %hat all
changed on
th
December 1941 with the attacks on Pearl Harbor, pulling the reluctant USA
into the
nd
World War. Seeking revenge on mperial apan, the Americans needed to remove
the apanese threat on several Pacific slands and Chuuk became a prime target. As a Brit,
the majority of my WW education has been how the Allies fought the Nazis, predominantly in
Europe and North Africa. %he Battle of the Pacific was relatively unknown to me, though
obviously knew the Americans took on the apanese and both sides suffered immeasurable
losses in this campaign. Only after had arrived in the Pacific, did really begin to realise just
where was. Midway lay to the East of Chuuk. uadalcanal and New Britain in the Solomon
slands lay to my South, Peleliu near Palau to my West. was but a stones throw from uam
and from there, a short hop onto Saipan, wo ima and Okinawa. %hese famous names were
the scenes of some true nightmares. US Army, Navy and Marines, fighting on the beaches
and through impenetrable jungle, fighting an enemy they rarely saw, a culture who would not
submit and for whom suicide was an honourable death.

Chuuk was almost unique to the other major campaigns. Realising the Lagoon was almost
impenetrable from the sea, the Americans switched tactics to attack with bombs and
torpedoes from the air. %here was to be no land invasion. Ahead of the attack, the American
reconnaissance plane was spotted, allowing the apanese to relocate as much as they could
to safer water. When the majority of the fleet abandoned Chuuk, they left a selection of
merchant (or Maru), military vessels and planes, either because they still held vital supplies
and troops or were under repair. %hese are the famous Wrecks of Chuuk (%ruk) Lagoon.

%he Americans attacked with 5 fleet carriers and a further 4 light carriers as part of their
armada. Within the days of Operation Hailstone (1 & 18 February 1944), they had sunk
over 50 ships and landing craft, along with over 50 aircraft. t was a ruthlessly efficient turkey
shoot and within 48 hours the Lagoon was almost empty of visible traces of any ships. %he
land was ablaze, casualties were in the tens of thousands and the Lagoon's surface was thick
with a toxic mix of oil and aviation fuel. 0 years on, it is these apanese wrecks we dive
today. %here are far too many places calling themselves World Class or Best of Breed, but in
terms of pure wreck diving, Chuuk really is the best and was very fortunate to be given the
opportunity to call it Home for a total of .5 years. initially moved to Chuuk in April 006 and
lived there for 18 months. Having returned to London in September 00, chartered all 16
places on the Odyssey and returned as a tourist in March 009. During this time, confirmed
with the owners would return to the boat for another year, August 009 August 010.

10

%here are around 4 major ship wrecks in the Lagoon, too many to list in any detail. n over
1800 dives in the Lagoon, have had the privilege to peak inside:

1. Aikoku Maru (150m 49ft) Ex-armed Merchant Cruiser
. Fujikawa Maru (13m 433ft) Passenger-cargo
3. Fujisan Maru (156m 51ft) Naval tanker
4. Fumitsuki (98m 30ft) Mutsuki Class Destroyer
5. osei Maru (86m ft) Coastal frigate
6. Hanakawa Maru (11m 368ft) Passenger-cargo
. Heian Maru (155m, 510ft) Cruiseship, later converted to submarine tender
8. Hoki Maru (138m 450ft) Cargo
9. Hoyo Maru (145m 45ft) Naval %anker
10. -169 Submarine (103m 33ft) Cruiser Submarine
11. Katsuragisan Maru (8m 85ft) Cargo
1. Kensho Maru (116m 384ft) Passenger-cargo
13. Kikukawa Maru (116m 384ft) Passenger-cargo
14. Kiyosumi Maru (8m 450ft) Passenger-cargo
15. Momokawa Maru (108m 354ft) Cargo
16. Nagano Maru (105m 345ft) Passenger-cargo
1. Nippo Maru (10m 354ft) Passenger-cargo
18. Oite (10m 33ft) Kamikaze Class Destroyer
19. Rio De aneiro (140m 461ft) Cruiseship converted into submarine tender
0. Sankisan Maru (113m 30ft) Cargo
1. San Francisco Maru (11m 385ft) Passenger-cargo
. Seiko Maru (10m 394ft) Cargo
3. Shinkoku Maru (15m 500ft) Naval %anker
4. Shotan Maru (8m 86ft) Cargo
5. Unkai Maru (101m 331ft) Cargo
6. Yamagiri Maru (134m 439ft) Passenger-cargo


have also taken an eyeball at the following planes:

1. Betty - Mitsubishi 4M3 Navy %ype 1 Attack Bomber
. Emily Kawanishi Navy %ype Flying-Boat
3. ill Nakajima B6N Carrier Attack Bomber
4. Zero Mitsubishi A6M Carrier Fighter

%here are remnants of blown up masts, cargo nets, landing craft and other ships which quite
literally do not appear on the map. am proud to say, along with Crew members, dived a
WW wreck that almost no one else on earth has ever found. We call it the 'esse Maru' after
the local Crew member who initially dived it. t was located by accident on the depth sounder.
On one such exploratory dive, early into my career in Chuuk, was asked to jump in and
investigate a 'blip' on the depth sounder, around 40m (10ft) below.

umping and descending at speed to try and avoid drifting off course is a little freaky. With no
landmarks or even a fish to orientate to, descended into the abyss all alone and having no
clue what was looking for. t takes a couple of minutes to swim down 40m. All could do was
look at my depth gauge and keep my fingers crossed the sharks had already eaten lunch.
Your eyes constantly want to deceive you as they chase shadows from the clouds above.

Eventually began to focus in on a dark object. t looked long and thin at first and ran from left
to right (or was that from right to left)? As descended, could make out the identifying marks
of a chain. t was an anchor chain, made up of huge links, each one about 1m (3ft) long and
weighing more than me for sure. Although had plenty of gas in my tank, with the Odyssey
and all its guests on board sitting above me, was not in the mood to hang about. Left or
right? Which way do turn? swam to the left. n theory, the depth finder had found something
big under the boat so it couldn't be too far to swim (unless was heading in the wrong
direction). Before too long, a very large object came into view. Mmm, Large and round. What
lives under the sea, is large and round and is chained to the sea bed? Bugger me backwards
with an albino badger but have just been sent to stumble onto a massive sea mine?
11


Luckily this did not appear to be the case. We have all seen the war movies where sea mines
always have spikey things that detonate the mine on contact. Well this one didn't have spikey
things and so it wasn't a mine, was it? t was huge that was for sure. %he size of a small
house, certainly far bigger than a car. had a quick look, couldn't resist a quick tap and listen
for a ticking clock and headed home for the M&Ms.

As soon as was back on board, went and had a chat with Lenny on the Bridge.

"Lenny, am not entirely sure what found but it looked a bit like an oversized mooring ball
and by oversized, mean huge. %here was a huge chain leading to it.
"Well that would make sense.

had not yet seen other mooring balls that are still attached to the Heian Maru and so was
guessing.

"You know what, at first thought was looking at a bloody huge sea mine that had sunk to
the bottom but there were no detonators sticking out.
"Yeah it could have been. %here are some mines in the Lagoon. %he apanese mined
the deep water passages as protection but they are miles away from our present
position.
"reat Lenny, thanks! %ell me, just what exactly would you have told my Mother had little
Charlie been blown up by a 0 year old sea mine today.

Oh how we laughed. am sure Health and Safety would not allow this sort of thing in the UK
which is a shame really because got a real buzz out of that dive.

Although many of the wrecks end in Maru (Merchant Vessel) and all sound alike, they are
actually totally different. liked to say, they all had their unique USPs (Unique Selling Points).
Some were famous for being big, others small. Some had large deck guns, others didn't.
Some had trucks, cars and bicycles. %here were a lot of glass bottles and china. Mess tins,
drinking glasses. Leather shoes, cotton shirts, tin helmets, rubber mats. A lot of the debris
was the ultimate in heavy metal. Artillery guns, battle tanks and machine guns. %he vast
majority of it was standard government issue but in amongst all the merchandise of war,
became completely fascinated with the human side of the wrecks. For sure, a lot of men died
in Chuuk. When say a lot, mean thousands of men. Strafed by cannon, torn apart by
explosions, drowned in their bed. saw evidence of it all.

Although the vast majority of human remains have either been lost to the sea or have been
conscientiously collected by the apanese overnment, some remain within the wrecks. A
skull is famously embedded in the Engine room of the Yamagiri Maru. As the torpedo hit the
front section of the ship, the pressure wave tore through the Engine room in mid-ship and the
engineer was instantly fused into the burning metal. He has become as much of the wreck as
the metal itself. Directly below him, lay his Sternum and other remains. Another 3m (10ft)
below, a single hand with fingers intact, welded to a metal beam. %he bones are incredibly
small. Further on, deep into the darkness, a small room hidden in the depths is littered with
ribs and femurs. %he shape of human remains is truly unmistakable.

Whilst am on the subject of bones, at the risk of offending some who may perceive these
wrecks as being War raves (officially they are not), there are a couple of occasions when
came across some remains, quite by accident. f you don't want to read this bit, then skip on a
page or .

%he Oite is one of apanese Destroyers in the Lagoon. Having gone alongside the sinking
Agano to rescue 53 of her 6 Crew, the Oite turned towards Chuuk, massively over laden
with a total of 15 men on board a 10m (33ft) ship. Soon after passing through the reef to
the relative safety of the Lagoon, she was spotted, torpedoed and blown in half. ust 0 men
survived.

have only dived the Oite once in my life, in August 009, 3 years after she was
rediscovered. She lies in around 60m (00ft) of water with her Bow and Stern halves lying
1

side by side. Her Bow is upside down. Having never been there before, listened intently as
Lenny briefed the guests (and the uides). t was going to be the 'blind leading the blind' to
some extent. listened intently to parts of the briefing. %he ships Bell was still there and no
Crew from the Odyssey had been inside the upturned hull. So, there was my challenge fair
and square.

Because it was a deep wreck and this was a %ech Week, each diver tended to dive with a
loose Buddy, though we would all be sniffing about the same wreck at the same time. knew
almost everyone would want to go and see the Bell but didn't. wanted to get inside the hull
and see what was in there. We were tied directly to the Stern and as soon as had a visual,
dropped off the mooring line and linked up to the Bow section. Sure enough, it was inverted
and it certainly was deep as touched the sand. As peered underneath the Bow and looked
up, instantly saw my way in. mmediately as moved inside the hull, was met by a human
skull. Ominous start. Carefully inching my way in, made my way into the first darkened
space. Each room would lead to another one as long as the doors were open, so it was pretty
simple to navigate, even though this part of the wreck was upside down. Room was empty
(though didn't really look around too much). Room 3 was the Communication room think,
with what appeared to be old radio sets.

mmediately to Starboard, found another room. could see light bouncing off the sand in
here, where the hull had been damaged by the explosion. peered in and was immediately
greeted by an image that will remain with me for life. t was a small room and there was a bed
which must had flipped over and was now resting on what used to be the ceiling. %he bed
frame and springs were unmistakable. So was the body. would assume being a small,
private cabin, this was for a Senior Officer or Captain. Without a shadow of a doubt, he was
curled up in bed, almost in a foetal position. could clearly see his pelvis was close to his
chest, arms cradled around this head. guess he had either held onto the bed as it flipped
over, or the heat of the explosion had fused him to the metal frame.

Because was not only inside a wreck 60m deep and in the dark, could not absolutely
guarantee my own thoughts. Nitrogen Narcosis does that. Affecting people at different depths,
being Narc'd dilutes the brain's thought process. Rather like alcohol, it causes you to think a
little weirdly and do weird things. Was narc'd or had indeed seen something gruesomely
beautiful?

My decompression stops were long on that dive but made it back in one piece. My colleague
%odd had been waiting for his turn to jump and so as soon as was back, told him precisely
where had been and if he wanted to check out and confirm what had seen, would
appreciate it. %odd said he was amazed at the preciseness of my mental map. He was inside
in no time, counted off the 3 rooms, slipped into the cabin and yes, there was the bed and
body. wonder how many people have ever seen that?

A more slightly more frequently dived wreck is the Aikoko, a huge troop carrying armed raider;
a Pirate ship. Having stolen the ship Hauaki (later changed to Hoki Maru), it is ironic both
ships came to Chuuk and sunk within sight of each other, much like the -169 and the Heian
Maru. %he explosion that sunk the Aikoko was immense. %he entire front section of the 50m
(49ft) ship sheered off and the explosion even took out the rumman Avenger plane that
had dropped the aerial torpedo. 945 men, many of whom were still in the Stern holds, lost
their lives. %he only survivors had been blown cleanly off the deck into the water.

%he Aikoku is a hugely impressive wreck, even if only half is left. %he Stern gun is iconic.
Pointing 60 to the sky, she went down fighting. She was a Pirate after all. %he main
superstructure in mid ships has collapsed considerably since first saw her in 006. %he
Engine room is very difficult and hazardous to find and gruesome to the extreme. Bones lay
all about. Feet still in shoes, hands melted to the stair hand railings. am not a fan of the
Engine room have to admit.

On the rare occasion could slip in without anyone needing to be guided, thought would
have a peak at the completely barren Holds. Hold 4 had been where the vast majority of the
troops once slept. Around 400 bodies were removed in 1980 by the apanese. Hold 5 and 6
appeared to be empty. slipped into Hold 6 and headed into the open but very deep void.
13

59m (196ft) later, touched the silty bottom. Even at this depth, it was warm and light and
could almost see the surface. was not sure what was actually looking for but may as well
see what was on offer. 0 years of history had filled the floor with fine silt, more like silk than
sand. t was beautifully smooth and could instantly tell that no one had been down here in a
long time. %here was no sign of disturbance from a diver flapping his fins. As stared into the
corner, caught a glimpse of something protruding from the silt. What could that be? As soon
as was within touching distance, knew instantly it was a human hip bone. had to
investigate. With a very gentle touch, my fingers slipped into the silt and immediately onto the
pelvis. %his led to one leg and the toes. Back up to the pelvis and down the other leg. Back up
to the pelvis and the unmistakable feel of ribs, leading to the shoulders and ultimately, the
skull. %he entire body was hidden below the silt but nevertheless, it was intact.

%he following dive, returned to examine the area a little more. t was not difficult to discover
the skeleton was actually lying alongside another one. %hey may even have been touching. A
colleague of mine, Captain Nelson, later found a third body in that 'empty' Hold.

Of course, Chuuk Lagoon is far from being a mass of bones and bullets and though it is
important to respect the history, these wrecks are a wonderful playground for inquisitive
people like me. A lot of divers assume that wreck diving is all metal and no marine life and
indeed this can be true in some instances but more often than not, it is the complete opposite.
%he sea bed of Chuuk Lagoon is relatively flat and dull. Lots of sand (a mixture of broken
calcium rich coral and fish poo) covers the floor, giving the impression of a desert void of any
life. Occasionally there is a lump of rock but that too, looks pretty barren. %here are a few fish
milling about but nothing really exceptional. Certainly there appears to be very little colour. All
that changes as you swim over the monochrome sand and hit a wall of metal. %hese wrecks
were not small sail boats by any stretch of the imagination. %he Bow of the Fujikawa Maru for
example, lifts proudly from the sand towards the sun light. t presents a 1m (0ft) wall of life.

Steel ships will soon rust in contact with salt water if they are left unprotected. Dihydrogen
oxide is the main catalyst for the rusting process. We know it better by the slightly less technical
term, Hydric Acid. %he sodium and hydrogen from the sea water combine to form acids and
together with oxygen combining with the metallic atoms, attacks the steel. ood quality steel
will be manufactured as many layers and takes longer to penetrate and break down. %his is
easy to see in Chuuk. %he ships made in the pre-war days tended to be of a better quality and
have thus stood the test of time well. Some ships, either made of lesser grades of steel during
the war years or purposely designed to be lightweight, are rusting and collapsing ahead of
their cousins. %he Shinkoku Maru, a Naval tanker is almost perfectly intact, even with the
additional weight of tonnes of coral. %he Fumitzuki, a Destroyer, is falling apart. n recent
years, the Bow shed its steel plates and then broke off and twisted 90 in a delicate dance of
death.

%he Marus (merchant vessels) were left to fend for themselves as the mperial apanese
Navy left for safer waters in an attempt to hide from the advancing American Navy. Some
ships did not even have Anti-Aircraft guns (AAC) and were left completely exposed. %hough
other ships did have Bow and Stern deck guns, evidence shows they were not being fired
during the attacks. Most guns were dormant. %he Rio De aneiro has a huge 6.5m (ft) gun
but this sits idly in its 'stowed' position, presumably unable to react in time as the torpedo
bombers attacked at the crack of dawn. %he phrase '%urkey Shoot' comes to mind.

n addition to the deck guns, different ships reveal different treasures. %he Heian Maru, being
a Submarine tender, is full of interesting artefacts. Dozens of periscopes line the companion
way. Stacks of Long Lance (6.5m ft) torpedoes are still in the forward Holds. %he rear
Holds hide more intricate aspects of the war in addition to military radios and their lead
batteries, similar to a car battery we know today. %he Shinokoku Maru was a huge tanker, re-
supplying the fleet with oil and other fuels. Rather go along side the accompanying vessel, the
apanese preferred to gravitationally feed fuel to the ship behind them. %ravelling in series
like this, created a smaller bubble wake and therefore harder to detect. %he Engine room of
this ship is truly astonishing. t is vast in every direction and can make for a truly memorable
dive as the uide twists and turns. %here are multiple entry points. You can enter through a
door, but where's the fun in that? f want to enter in at depth, shoot in through the torpedo
14

hole on the Port side. f want to enter from its shallowest point, shoot down the smoke
stack chimneys. Now that is a pretty unique thing to do let me assure you.

%he main body of the Shinkoku Engine room is divided into principal areas. %he central core
comprises of the engine cylinders, electrical panels with 3 generators and the machine shop
where the Engineers could craft new parts. You can choose your depth inside here, ranging
from 10m (30ft) all the way down to 39m (130ft) and access the internal Crew quarters as you
explore. %he rear of the Engine room is dominated by the fantastically oversized boilers.
Underneath the catwalk at its deepest point of 40m (133ft) is a perfectly intact fire hose,
neatly rolled and stowed on the wall. f you know where to look, the remains of a turtle lays to
rest. My colleague .. found this shortly after its demise in 006 and each week, we were
able to see its body disappearing to leave the intact skeleton and shell. With time, each plate
slid off its carapace. loved to guide around the boiler room. Peaking into the occasional
Crew bathroom, would simply follow the internal catwalk of metal grids as it led me around
its vastness, culminating in a vertical chimney and daylight. As gently rose from the belly of
the beast, overlooking the Stern with its intact gun (and firing pistol still in place), would often
be greeted by a resident shark, lion fish or perhaps even my mate Benson.

Benson, who the hell is Benson hear you say? Are you sitting comfortably, then will
begin.

Benson the Elder is actually a man. Along with Epek and Soky, he is a member of the Sunday
Crew on the Odyssey who comes on board to clean the boat from top to tail, ensuring it is all
ship shape and sprightly for the incoming guests. Benson is a relatively simple soul. He works
pretty hard, doesn't have too much to say but his heart is in the right place. His main strength
is his hunger though. Not so much a hunger for action or passion. More like a hunger for food.

Every 8-10 weeks, the Odyssey takes a 'Down Week', stops diving and spends the time to
repair, paint and other mundane or important stuff, allowing the boat to always look good and
run effectively. know too many boats around the world that seem to limp from one problem
to another. %his is where the Odyssey is so rare and exceptional. For sure, things are always
breaking or malfunctioning but so is the continual maintenance and upkeep. Having a
wonderful mechanic like Mike onboard relieves so much stress from the rest of the team. He
gets on and fixes stuff without it so much as a swear word.

So, getting back to Benson. During 'Down Week' the regular local Crew take the time off to be
with their families, have sex and get drunk. Benson is often asked to spend the week aboard
as the Night Watchman which basically means, he sleeps during the day but stays awake
during the night and if anything out of the ordinary occurs, he should wake someone up and
tell them. We are always on the home mooring during these weeks and so the weather is
rarely an issue. Basically, he doesn't have to do much. What he does do very well is eat and
sleep though not necessarily in the right order. Benson is the only man know who will
awaken from his day time slumber, just to eat. Staggering about in his grotty t-shirt and
shorts, he would make his way into the alley and ram as much food down his gullet as
quickly as he could. Belly full, he would retire to bed once more. When on the boat, food was
always available and best of all, free. What better reason could there be for coming to work?

n an act of spontaneity, named my mate on the Shinkoku after Benson the Elder but my
new friend was no man, not even a human. He was a Hawksbill %urtle and a large one at that.
%urtles are hunted for food in Chuuk and so are both rare and very skittish when people are
around. We occasionally saw them at a distance but rarely got close enough for decent photo.
Benson was different. For a while, Benson had other turtle friends on the same wreck
though they all seemed to prefer their own patches of coral and sponge. One friend was a
huge reen turtle, with a head the size of an NFL player, complete with crash helmet. We
began to see Benson every week and started to talk about him during my briefings before
we all made up to 4 dives on the same wreck. Benson, much like his human counterpart, was
a very docile soul. He would meander about the deck of the Shinkoku, searching for food. n
fact, that is why called him Benson. His entire life seemed to be a continuous quest for
sustenance as far as could tell. Each time saw him, he was either eating, had just stopped
eating or was in the process of arranging his napkin and going in to eat. can honestly say,
only saw him bothering to take the time to go and breathe, just the once. %hat was it.
15


Because he was so docile, he made no attempt to escape divers and made for a wonderful
10 minutes of the dive. could take my camera and put it almost right up to his large eyeball
before he bothered to react. could lay beside him and watch and listen to him munch. He
seemed to favour the softer corals and sponges but if these were too far away, he seemed
more than content to crack into some hard stuff. Hard corals, being predominantly made of
calcium carbonate (think of classroom chalk) are pretty tough stuff but he didn't seem to care.

One of my favourite moments with Benson was when was alone, sitting on top of the
Shinkoku smoke stack. was taking a rest to admire all the growth around the edge of the
chimney and take in the view. had noticed Benson was the other side of the smoke stack,
about 4m (1ft) away but was not intending to go and spoil his dinner. Unbeknown to me,
Benson had spotted me and came at me from behind. %he first knew of him being beside me
was when felt something on my leg. He had come to rest, with his front flipper laying on my
thigh, a bit like a dog, only not quite as furry. couldn't resist. Against everything know and
care for, wrote my name on his carapace.

n February 010, had one of the most memorable dives of my life and it was a complete
accident as is so often the case. was guiding American guys and the intention was to go
deep into the vast Engine room of the Shinkoku Maru, one of my favourite tours. Both guys
had cameras and having jumped in the water, they turned around to collect them. As they
were doing so, one of them noticed a shark below. have to say, having seen so many
sharks, it was not really a big deal and so jumped. As soon as was underwater, finding my
bearings and clearing my mask of bubbles, noticed something rather weird coming right at
me.

Spinning to the other guys to make sure they were with me and seeing what was seeing,
could truly not believe a Manta Ray was coming towards us. Now, know some places
around the world are famous for their Mantas and there are certainly some resorts that are
have built their entire business on them, but in Chuuk they are rare and certainly, had only
ever caught a fleeting glimpse of these majestic animals as they cruised pass. %his one came
right up to the 3 of us as if to say hello and who were we to turn down his request? We were
still directly above the wreck and on this rare occasion, it was brilliantly lit by the sun and
furthermore, the water was crystal clear. %he Shinkoku is usually the worst visibility in the
Lagoon but not on this magical day. t was one of those wonderful times when it all came
together very, very nicely.

was completely mesmerised and in my element. t was not a large Manta and in my limited
knowledge, it wouldn't surprise me if it was barely a year or old. Manta pups are roughly
1.m (4ft) across and this beauty was perhaps double this. t was a friendly little thing as well.
t knew exactly what it wanted to do and that was to play with us. Like an acrobatic pilot, it
could loop the loop with incredible grace. As it left the deck of the wreck, we followed to the
sand and continued the dance. Because did not have my camera, it allowed me to focus on
nothing more than play time. After a few minutes, it headed away from the wreck across the
sand. ust as it reached the edge of visibility, it turned and came straight back towards us. t
was far from done. For a
nd
time, it banked left and came straight back as if to summon us to
follow it. %he Lord of the Dance continued for 1 minutes, perhaps 1 of the happiest minutes
in my life. We never made it into the Engine room on that dive!




16

hapter 39
The DeIicate Side Of huuk


have never been to War. have never served or done my duty but greatly admire those
who do. %he nearest thing did was the Office %raining Corps with the University of London
but that was more a case of learning to Parachute or get shot at and kicked to pieces by the
SAS on a training exercise. Some may see the military as a means to an ends, a job, a
career, a pension. Others see it as a way to avoid a bad life or sliding into boredom, trouble
and a jail sentence. Some see it as serving Queen and Country and all that jazz. Whatever
your motives for joining, salute you, genuinely do. Perhaps in another life, would have
joined you. As mentioned before, with the benefit of hindsight and maturity, really should
have trained for the Royal Marines when had the chance.

Chuuk Lagoon taught me many things about who am and what is important in life. n some
ways, very few things are important when you think about it. was surprised by many aspects
of what found, saw and heard in Chuuk. A little like me, the place was a contradiction in
many ways. A very strong sense of culture but a weak infrastructure, the main island was a
hell hole yet Paradise was on the horizon, quite literally. Vitally important territory in the last
century, no one really wants it now. Evidence of the WW battleground was everywhere, yet
hardly anyone can see it.

What springs to mind when you think of shipwrecks? Do you think of heavy metal, oil slicks,
destruction, death? Do you think of wooden masts, Pirates, treasure, storms? Romance,
beauty and tranquillity is not normally top of the list is t? %hat is perhaps why Chuuk Lagoon
changes peoples minds about diving on shipwrecks. f you want to romanticise war, what
could be more poetic than a beautiful and delicate Christmas %ree worm, growing out of the
barrel of a gun?

t took me a long time to figure out the impact Chuuk's diving was having on me. t was so
different to everything had seen before and it was teaching me so much. may have been
the main nstructor for the Crew and guests, but this place was repaying me 10 times over,
that was for sure. knew there was an instant love affair going on here but found it hard to
work out why. As began to learn each wreck inside and out, became much calmer, both as
diver and as a person. remember speaking to the affer on one occasion when was back
in the UK. was in my mid 30's at the time, when told him had changed a lot since living
overseas. had grown up. He called it something more succinct. Maturity. %hat was the word.
t had taken a while, but had matured. hadn't been a spotty teenager for years and may
not have classified myself as being an arrogant egotistical prick in my late 0's but had
grown up and about time too!

During my career in the UK, had been awarded responsibility but this was mainly financial
which lets face it, doesn't mean much. f screwed up, did anyone really get hurt? No not
really. would have probably been given the sack but the world would carry on. Looking at the
recent events of the financial crisis, has anything truly changed? We are all a little worse off
but then, if we are all worse off, have we actually lost anything? We perceive the idea we
have been slowly screwed over by our own overnments along with a select few nvestment
Wanker Bankers, who are basically glorified Bingo players. Perhaps if they all wore curlers
and sported a purple rinse we would feel a little happier.

Of course, there are some losers out there, some of whom we sympathise with, others we
don't. f someone loses their job and their lifestyle as a result of the actions of others, that is
truly sad. f your actions have consequences on others, have little time for you. f you bought
a car and a house with satellite %V and a flat screen in every room, knowing your really could
never afford it, have little to say to you. t is tough to hand it all back but ultimately what have
you lost? You are back to where you started and that's about it.

1

My new career was so different to all this bullshit. We all have the ability to choose. made
mine and am happy to report, it worked. loved it and survived without anyone being hurt in
the process. would genuinely like to think everyone came across in my time underwater,
came away from their experience feeling just that little bit better. made some people cry,
made more people laugh. was thanked more times in 8 years than in the preceding 30 and
no one died on my watch. am by no means exceptional, am just very fortunate. %he vast
majority of people worked with in the diving industry have been top people. We may all be
from very different cultures, backgrounds and circumstances but we all share one thing in
common. We get a kick out of seeing someone have a good time.

A lot of people would ask me how came to know the wrecks so well. n the light or in the
dark, the uides all seemed to know where they were, almost instinctively. We could rise and
fall effortless as we nipped through holes too small to fit, navigating razor sharp metal in little
more than a t-shirt and shorts. We knew where to enter, where to leave and all the possible
escape routes in between. We tried to make an impact, yet left no trace of evidence for being
there. %he answer to all this is quite simple, practice. No one is going to know anything by
heart without practice. remember when first arrived and dived the wrecks, tagged behind
a local uide, '%he Man, %he Myth, %he Legend' that is Kent. Now in his 40's, he has dived
almost his entire life and every one of his thousands of dives had been inside the Lagoon. As
followed Kent, just wanted to keep pace with him. Nothing else mattered. As long as
jumped in and then jumped out, that was fine by me. As we dived those first days, my senses
almost went into override.

t took me about weeks to start to get a grip of the layout of each wreck. Some were easier
to navigate than others but generally, most had a very familiar layout and asides from the
individual artefacts, they appeared to be very similar. %he way used to describe the reason
knew the wrecks inside and out was because they had become my home. We all know our
homes extremely well but this would almost be impossible to put into words. Even in the pitch
dark, we know where we are. We know every creek of the floorboards, every squeak of the
doors. By about the 3
rd
day on the boat, all the guests had got used to the layout of the
Odyssey. %hey knew where their cabins were located, where they sat on the dive deck, where
the M&Ms and Coronas were kept. OK, so if was to take a blindfold and cover their eyes, do
you think they could have moved from the dining room to their cabins and climb in their
ensuite shower? bet they could. %hey would instinctively know where the doors are, the
stairs (though they wouldn't know how many) and whether their cabin was on the Port or
Starboard side. %his is roughly how thought about the wrecks. You can read all the books
and study all the plans of each ship, but ultimately you need to get in there and have a look.
Sometimes would turn to the left and come to a dead end. Sometimes could catch my
equipment on a piece of metal if didn't tuck it in. Experience taught me what needed to
know and with time, it became second nature to glide in and out of places, twisting, swimming
backwards and multi-tasking as went about my tours. t looked effortless because it was.

As got to know the wrecks, felt more and more comfortable with them and listening to my
heart beat, realised where was and wasn't comfortable. All the uides had our favourite
spots but also places that scared the crap out of us. was never a fan of the Engine room of
the Rio De aneiro for some reason and so never really took the time to get to know it
intricately. could hit all the high points on my tours and everyone behind me saw what
needed to be seen, but just didn't go deep into it. Other wrecks, was more than happy to
disappear into. t didn't really matter whether it was deep or shallow, light or dark, if felt
comfortable, then off went. Having said all that, it was very rare had the opportunity to
explore new areas and certainly didn't want to be doing this with a guest in tow.
Occasionally, if really knew someone well and there was implicit trust between us, we would
venture off the main routes a bit and have a dig.

Over time, a lot of the wrecks have accumulated a deep layer of silt which is one of those
technical terms for crap. t is a mixture of rust, dead stuff and rotten wood. Some wrecks are
relatively clean and depending on how they lay, the silt may accumulate in areas where the
divers doesn't venture. Occasionally, silk occurs in heavy traffic areas and becomes a
concern for us all. Some silt is very heavy and even if it is stirred up, it will quickly fall and
settle and causes little aggravation. On the other hand, some silk it incredibly soft to touch
and appears like dust, a smattering of fine talcum powder. One stray movement and it can
18

instantly stir and reduce the visibility to zero. As soon as this happens, the diver needs to
relax, stop, think and then calmly move into some clean water. As you can imagine, this is
easier said than done. Being caught in a 'silt out', deep underwater and in the darkness of a
wreck is enough to make even the calmest people react, but you have to overcome this fear.
Yours and other lives may well depend on a clear head.

Because each wreck tends to have a beaten path through it, allowing guests to follow the
uide and see all the cool things, would always try and sneak off into the secluded areas
from time to time and have a dig. %he silt could cover a multitude of unpleasantness. Asides
from the bones had found in the Aikoku, there is usually a lot of oil, trapped beneath the silt
and always eager to escape. have ended too many dives with thick treacle all over my
hands and have had to spend several minutes under the shower with lots of soap before am
clean enough to take my gear off.

n amongst all the debris of war, became totally fascinated by the delicate artefacts we
would stumble across from time to time. t brought a human side to the destruction. %his was
not all about steel, guns and tanks. How was it that half a ship could be ripped apart, yet
books and personal effects remain intact?

%he Fumitzuki was a apanese Destroyer, a merchant of war. Built for speed, this slim
profiled ship could top 3 knots (0km/h) and still arrive on the scene and pack a punch. n
006, the ship remained in tact but by 008, the Bow plates had sagged and ultimately the
Bow begun to twist and disintegrate. Having been almost impenetrable, sections were
becoming more accessible, though penetrating the area is not advisable. %he steel beams are
not designed for duration and are increasingly fragile. had penetrated the wreck a couple of
times before she had collapsed and saw very little internally. %he deck areas were more
interesting, with large deck guns, triple torpedo launchers, deck rail track to transport the
ammunition and on the Stern, depth charges on a pneumatic launcher. As the ship opened
up, it also revealed the inner sanctums of the Bow area. Having made a couple of internal
passes, loved to sneak into a small room on the Starboard side and see headphones
hanging from the ceiling in the Comms room.

%he Bow was the main area for the Crew to hang out and this is revealed by the artefacts we
found there. personally found several pairs of leather shoes with 4 eyes for the laces. %here
were electric fans, the remains of a 3 leg stool and completely intact china, mostly plates and
saki dishes. More astonishing were the piles of books and papers. Once someone had found
one, it was pretty simple to find more. Most appeared to be in great shape and with care, you
could open them to reveal their contents. Some were mechanical diagrammatic with all sorts
of clever mathematics and formulae. opened a page and found a series of hand drawn maps
with hand writing, indicating it was a Naval map from 1943 (the ship sunk in 1944) and
reported seeing 3 enemy planes the previous day, possibly near Bauga sland wherever that
may be. %here was also book called Ori's Wife by %akeda though oogle does not recognise
it and have to admit, studied Shakespeare at school and this one seems to have slipped
past me.

%he most impressive page we came across was a full page picture of an elegant lady in full
apanese regalia, apparently from the story 'Sumiko and Mitsuba' but again, this was not on
my reading list. t is a funny thing to say, but this book and this image fascinated me.
Unfortunately, most divers are not too subtle with their leg movements and whereas they may
take the time to stop and admire the view, few are aware that as they move off, the vortex of
their fins can destroy anything that is fragile. Determined to maintain this image as best we
could, found some glass from elsewhere from the wreck and gently laid it on top. Each
week, as we briefed the divers, we would ask they pay special attention when visiting this
area and that seemed to work. am happy to say, the image remained untouched and
undamaged for the duration of my time there.

%he Heian Maru was a huge submarine tender with an assortment or supplies and
armaments for such a mission. %he Oxygen powered Long-Lance torpedoes, at 6.5m (ft)
long are certainly a highlight of the wreck, along with a dozen or so periscopes, china, heavy
artillery shells and an assortment of metal bed frames. %owards the rear of the ship, past the
broken entrance to the engine room, lays an empty Hold. Because the ship has come to rest
19

on its Port side, anything in there now lies on the floor, almost at sand level. have spent a
considerable amount of time in there, routing around in the dark about 40m (10ft) deep and
found very little of significance, though have cut myself on too many times. don't like to
wear gloves which would no doubt save me from such pain. When am having a fiddle in the
silt, need to try and be as gentle as can and wearing gloves simply reduces the sensitivity
feel through my finger tips.

would initially conduct a search with my trusted 'pointy stick'. %hese can be commercially
manufactured and bought at great expense but no matter how you look at it, it is a stick.
enerally made of steel or aluminium, it is the size of a tent peg (and therefore why not just
buy a tent peg) and is apparently designed as a method of communication between divers or
pointing out something of interest etc. t can also be used a 'rest' if you want to maintain your
position over a coral head etc. Although the ideal is not to hold onto or have any impact on
the reef, it may be the lesser of evils to jab the stick thing into a rock and take a rest or set
up your camera for that 'money shot'. My pointy stick was recycled from some high pressure
air hose, the kind of hose we used to fill the Scuba tanks.

etting back to the Heian, on one afternoon when we were not required to act as a uide,
jumped overboard with Ken, one of the locals. We had decided to show each other some of
our little hidey-holes. Ken knew the bowels of the wreck very well. knew that because had
inadvertently bumped into him on various dives and we had surprised each other in the
process. %here were occasions would be fossicking about in the dirt, fully expecting to be
there alone, only to hear Ken breathing somewhere nearby. f was up to no good,
occasionally would try and avoid him by hiding around a corner or simply rising up to the
ceiling where was unlikely to be spotted.

As Ken and moved through the wreck, he initially took the lead and led me into the Hold
thought knew well but instead of sinking to the bottom, we rose up and moved towards a
bulkhead wall, leading from one Hold to another. ust as his fart arse was about to disappear
though it, spotted something of interest and hauled him back. %here was a whole stack of
beer bottles in their wooden crates, stacked neatly in the corner and in remarkably good
shape. By my reckoning, there were about 100 or so bottles.

Once this had been ticked off the list, we both went through the bulkhead and into the
neighbouring chamber. %his is where had agreed to show Ken some stuff he had not seen
before. When we guided the guests, we all tended to show them the radios and lead cell
batteries which were pretty easy to spot. f we only had 1 other person behind us, there were
a few other places to go, but they were tight spaces. had once gone searching behind an
internal wall and came across a whole load of china, perfect bottles and ampoules. %he
problem for me was my very presence in this area caused the silt to puff up. %he very fine rust
began to disintegrate around me and before knew it, was completely in the dark and
tentatively had to tip toe my way back out to the tiny exit. Not a place for the claustrophobics
amongst us would guess.

%he main area of interest lay on the ceiling. Access was via another narrow tract preventing
most divers from stumbling upon it. Once through the narrow entrance, the only place you can
really go is up until your head almost touches the internal roof. At first, didn't have much of a
clue what was looking at or looking for, for that matter. t appeared to be full of lots of debris,
mostly burned wood. As exhaled, this buoyant wood, trapped by the metal, moved about
and revealed its secrets. One after another, could see medical ampoules by the bucket load.
Some were clear, others dark. %hey ranged from the tiny to the size of a drinking glass and
amazingly, most appeared to be intact. Once found some, found them by the hundred.
%hey were all buoyant and danced around in the bubbles. t was great fun to pick them out
and have a look. Occasionally one or would be welded to the metal. n addition to the
ampoules, found about half a dozen of medical thermometers. don't know why, but found
it fascinating they were almost identical to the ones we use today. Low and behold, they were
immaculate and gave an accurate temperature of the water. t is these sorts of unique things
found so appealing.

n a slightly different area, Ken showed me something had heard about but had not yet
found. %here was a metal box and by carefully lifting the lid, it revealed its secrets. t was a
180

medical box, complete with more ampoules, syringes and even what appeared to be a
stethoscope.

t was not all good news in this Hold however. later returned to the area a couple of weeks
later to take another look at the ampoules and take some photos. t is difficult to describe, but
after a short while, began to feel a cold heat on the back of my neck. had felt this before on
another wreck, the Hoki Maru and suspected what was happening. However, really wanted
to get some photos and stayed up in the ceiling for about another 10 minutes before making
my way back to the Odyssey. As shallowed my profile, the cold heat was become hotter.
Having felt it before, this time resisted the urge to scratch my neck which was becoming
increasingly painful.

As soon as was back on the boat, knew needed to strip out of my gear as soon as could.
whipped off my shirt and stood in the shower and emptied a tonne of soap over my neck.
Ken was able to confirm my neck appeared to be very red and it would soon begin to blister.
was suffering from a chemical burn. %he Hoki Maru was known for its Aviation as which had
lightly burned me months before, but this was more serious. For some 0 minutes, stood
under the deck shower and applied soap to every area of my body could find. t appeared to
be OK. My neck no longer burned.

4 hours later, my legs began to blister. Lots of coin sized burn marks appeared out of
nowhere. %hey didn't hurt or itch but they were not the most elegant of things have to admit.
t was shortly before was due to return to the UK for a wedding and to wear a kilt. My main
worry was would be wearing a kilt and my legs would be a festering mess. Fortunately it all
cleared up in time, the kilt and long socks covered up any scars and both the Bride and
room showed up for the occasion.

%he Nippo Maru, though a water carrier with the addition of a apanese battle tank among its
artefacts, also had its more delicate side. Among these were intact Petri dishes and syringes,
presumably for the testing of drinking water quality. Although Shinto is the traditional region in
apan, we did find a small statuette of a young apanese girl, holding a posy of flowers and
appeared to have very Catholic connotations. On one of my rummages through the dirt in the
forecastle (the bit under the Bow), found a little brown bottle. Nothing too exciting about this,
but the part found fascinating, well to me anyway, were its contents. Dozens of spent
matches. %ell me this, who lights a match and then methodically sticks them back into a
bottle? t just gave me a tiny window into the mind of a 1944 apanese sailor. %he Nippo also
holds one of the best artefacts that Sam found and that have ever seen. t is an intact a
military bugle and you can even blow air through it. Now that is cool by anyone's standards.

%he Rio De aneiro proved to be one of the most remarkable dives for me and found a rich
seam of interesting artefacts there. Before arrived on the scene, the local uides had found
both of the firing pistols for the Bow and Stern guns. Each one weighed around 6.8kg (15lb)
and were not the easiest of things to move and hide but before you know it, someone from
another dive operation had got their hands on them and we never saw them again. t was like
a game of 'Cat and Mouse' with certain things and though could understand the reason for it,
did not like it.

'%he Man, the Myth, the Legend (or Ledge for short) Kent found me at the end of a dive on
the Rio, and although wanted to get back to the surface for lunch, he had other ideas and
led me back into the Superstructure. We came to rest on an internal wall, covered in coral
sand and watched in anticipation as he gently wafted a couple of fingers over the sand. At
this time, really had no clue what he was up to but trusted it would be good. As he
continued to waft, could make out the edge of some glass and then an image. What the hell
was this all about? Once he was finished, moved ever so gently forward to look at it. t was
obviously a print of a apanese lady, sandwiched between small pieces of glass and
presumably had been held in some sort of frame which had rotted away, leaving the glass.
took some photos. Kent moved to one side and revealed something else. Standing about
15cm (6inches) tall, he had also hidden an intact statuette. Again, in perfect condition, it
appeared to be of a apanese mother and daughter, in traditional dress.

181

Over the following months, looked at the Rio with a certain twinkle in my eye and was
determined to find something interesting. Such anticipation kept the excitement of the wrecks
for me, as was never quite sure what would turn up from one week to the next. Each time
found a little patch of silt, would take out my pointy stick and have a little prod. f it hit metal
or glass, it would give a definite tell tale sound. Likewise, could feel if the silt turned 'spongy'
which could reveal cotton or leather. felt was a cross between a Diver, Archaeologist and
Anthropologist. t gave me a real buzz.

After a couple of dives, my inquisitive nature started to pay off. My first find was a bottle,
containing some pills. t was still sealed from the elements and each round pill was the size of
a paracetamol. Over the following weeks, began to unearth all sorts of personal effects.
was diving with a very experienced diver from California once and when you have done
several thousand dives, sometimes you are just happy to mess about rather than go and find
something in particular. took him back to this area and had a quick prod in the soft silt. My
arm sunk into the dirt, almost up armpit but knew something interesting could be down there.
As pulled out my arm, the visibility went to crap but with my hand holding onto something
don't know what, we made our way out into the light. had found some sort of book but it
looked more like a rotten piece of wood. As delicately peeled back the layers the pages, it
revealed other things. %here was another small bottle of red pills, again sealed off from the
elements. t was a simple find but something we both found very exciting, completely different
to the guns and the ammo we had both come to expect from the wrecks.

subsequently found a lot more stuff.

O A wooden knife
O Chopsticks
O Buttons made from wood, ceramics and pearl
O A cotton reel
O Sheet music
O A Board game
O A Yo-Yo
O A toothbrush made from bone or ivory, complete with inscription
O A cigarette holder, made from bamboo
O Another perfectly intact photograph of a girlfriend or wife, again sandwiched between
pieces of rounded glass.

My last week on the boat in August 010 revealed my best prize and one that was
completely blown away by. Once more, sunk my arm deep into the dirty mess of the Hold
and had a feel. t is amazing how sensitive the finger tips can be as they move around, trying
to identify something you cannot see. delicately felt something and lifted my arm free.
Swimming out into the light and leaving a trail of mud behind me, was awestruck to find had
pulled out an immaculate pair of Aviator sunglasses, just like those worn by %om Cruise!
took lots of photos of these let me assure you. %he glass was unscratched and though
delicate, they still opened and folded. t made me wonder when did the Aviator style come
into style? %hey were launched by Ray-Ban in 193 for the US Army Air Corps, but it seems
on this evidence, by 1944, the apanese had some too.


18

hapter 40
Where Do You Go On Vacation, If You AIready Live In
Paradise?


%here comes a time in everyone's life when they have to take a vacation. t's one of life's
buggers isn't it? All that sand and sea or snow and skis, just get in the way of our dull and sad
lives of distinct mediocrity. Between April 006 and August 0010, spent a total of .5 years
working in Chuuk and my contract allowed me 3 months off each year. Because of the
distances and price involved with escaping, generally took a 4 or 6 week break every 4
months of so. nevitably people would ask where would take my vacation and have to
admit, it was a bit tricky at times. Because was the other side of the world from the UK, it
was not going to be back to the UK that was for sure, so the question was, where? Let's face
it, was living in a diving Mecca, in the tropics and where people paid a lot of money to get to
for their own vacation. Chuuk is on the edge of some of the best diving territory this planet
has to offer. All around are some very famous dive sites. Yap, Palau, the Philippines,
ndonesia, Papua New uinea, Australia, the Solomon slands, Fiji. Oh, decisions, decisions.
Could cope? Well it would be fun giving it a try.

%he first decision is always to look at the bank account. Leaving Chuuk is not cheap, thanks
to the not so glorious Continental Micronesia who had come to despise and would later
come to hate. %his airline held the monopoly over Micronesia and so there was no escaping
their excessive charges. %o my credit, had worked out there were 3 fee structures for a
plane ticket but only if you went directly to the airport to book it. My time in %hailand had first
made me aware of such things. %hailand had a %hai price, a workers price and then a tourist
price. A %hai could pay as little as 10% of the %ourist price for a %-shirt on Phi Phi and so
simply asked my %hai colleagues to go shopping for me. OK, may have rewarded them with
a beer but it was still a better way of spending my money thought.

Continental Micronesia had a similar mentality. %he locals never had any money, so why
should they pay the extortionate prices? on the other hand was a Whitey and therefore, by
birth, am obviously independently wealthy. %ourists are suckers and so pay full whack for
everything. %hat seemed to be the jist of things as far as can work out.

My first break was only a couple of months after had joined when Lenny asked me to take
some time off! t wasn't quite as abrupt as that, but he wanted to realign the calendar and to
do this, was asked to disappear for 10 days. have no idea why, but simply went to uam
for the 10 days. t is a simple 90 minute flight to uam and had no idea what was there, so
checked into one of the many hotels and in no uncertain terms, thought would try my hand
at being a lazy git. spent much of my time jogging in the heat until almost passed out,
swimming in the pool and swimming in the sea. Lying on the beach, watching a fleet of
Stealth bombers returning to Andersen Air Base is quite something.

uam is predominantly a military island, with the huge Andersen base at one end and the
Naval Base uam at the end. rented a car and went to explore the island to try and check
out a beach or . t didn't take long. You can drive the entire perimeter in a half a day and
there aren't too many white sandy beaches, though the ones did find seemed OK. uam
lays claim to a couple of interesting facts. t is 'Where America's day begins'. t is also on the
edge of the Marianas %rench which is deep, really deep. t is 11,033m (36,01ft or 6033.5
fathoms deep). %hat is 11 km or almost miles deep.

For my
nd
trip, had about 5 weeks to waste and went to Palau and then the Philippines.
Palau is regarded as the 'Dogs Bollocks' in diving terms and so it was naturally my main focus
for a holiday but strange as this sounds, didn't want to make it a full-on diving vacation. had
been diving non-stop on the boat for months on end and needed to take some time off and
dry out. Having said that, there was no way could go to Palau and not jump in the water.
%hat would just be silly! Wouldn't it be great to meet up with a friend out there and kill birds
with 1 stone?
183


anine was my great fiend from Nantucket in Massachusetts and had looked after me during
some time off from the Caribbean. knew she had access to free flights and so invited her to
and play Robinson Crusoe with me. %o my delight, she was well up for some time in
Paradise. Funny that. She would fly stand-by from the States and hopefully we would meet up
in uam airport. uam is just 90 minutes from Chuuk and arrived on time and had a cup of
coffee as waited for her flight. have flown on stand-by before and knew it could be a bit of
hit and miss and so enquired with the airline to see if she was actually listed on the manifest.
Don't ask me why, but she was not listed as being present on the flight but was still told to
wait at the arrivals gate 'just in case'. Post 9/11, would have thought it was a little odd to
have someone on a flight who was not actually listed as flying but that is precisely what
happened and duly turned up on time.

She was not so lucky on the next flight from uam to Palau. had a confirmed seat and was
asked to board, leaving with other stand-by flyers at the boarding gate. As settled into my
seat, could see there were plenty of empty seats and so naturally assumed they would soon
be filled by the stand-by fliers. Airlines don't seem to see the obvious and before knew it, the
doors were closed and we were off. counted 15 empty seats on that flight and yet was still
in the airport. We were reunited the following day.

chose to dive each morning and because didn't dive, we met up for a late lunch and mess
about on the island during the afternoon. %his seemed to suit us both very well. was so tired
and dived-out, am not sure was in the mood for Paradise as weird as that sounds, but
gave it a good crack. %he water was wonderful. Very clear and warm, some great drift dives
and lots of big fish. didn't see any Mantas but there were tonnes of sharks (despite the
%aiwanese and Chinese being present) and other large predators. love a fish called Oriental
Sweetlips and though had seen tonnes of them over the years, rarely saw them in more
than pairs. Palau had them in schools of a couple of hundred. Everything just seemed to be
bigger and better than almost anything had seen before and loved it.

%he most enjoyable diving day was to the south of Palau, a very famous area called Peleliu.
Peleliu diving is synonymous with ripping currents, wall diving and clear waters and loved
my time there but was equally fascinated by the land tour took during the lunch break.

Peleliu was the scene of the bloodiest battle in the Pacific for both the Americans and the
apanese. Having bombed the crap out of Chuuk in February 1944, the US Marines sailed
further West, to Yap and towards Palau. %he target was a small airstrip on the island of
Peleliu and it was originally thought the Marines could secure it within 4 days. %he ensuing
battle lasted months. %he Marines landed in September 1944 and by the end of the 1
st
day,
00 lay dead, 900 injured. Over the following days, Napalm was used for only the
nd
time in
the Pacific as the Americans tried to wipe out the heavily defended and hidden apanese.

Militarily, Peleliu was thought to have held little strategic value. %he landing strip was barely
used and the island was not required for logistics. Because it was predicted to only last 4
days, only a 6 news reporters bothered to cover the battle. %he human costs were immense.
1,94 killed, 8,010 wounded Americans. For the apanese, 10,695 killed,
0 captured. A apanese Lieutenant, along with 34 other personnel held out in the Peleliu
caves until nd April 194, the last official surrender of WW.

%he tour took in the landing strip, American and apanese armoured vehicles and culminated
in a simple but effective museum, something wish someone would build on Chuuk. t had a
very familiar story, showing all the artefacts of war had seen and recognised from the
wrecks, only these were on land and much more accessible. Bullets and bombs, flags and
newspapers complete with an artillery shell hole that passed all the way through the building
without exploding.

For all its fame as a dive and historical destination, my favourite day on Palau was kayaking
through the famous Rock slands. %his small part the world has to rank as one of the most
picture perfect places have ever seen. Up to 300 limestone and coral islands thrust out of
the crystal sea, creating internal lagoons, a haven for juvenile fish and warm shallow pools to
184

swim in. %he change in pace was perfect for me, drifting in and out of Paradise. What could
be better? f you know the answer, please tell me!

left Palau a week later and whereas returned to the States, continued onto the
Philippines. had arranged to visit a friend, Matt, who ran the diving at the Atlantis resort in
Puerto alera, south of Manila. had a fun time there, diving and sleeping mostly but it
reminded me too much of Phi Phi and too busy for me so looked for somewhere to move on
to. struck it lucky by the side of the pool, chatting to a rather attractive erman travel agent.
Although she was not a diver, when asked if she knew of a quiet, off the map diving
destination that no one knew about, she suggested Sogod Bay in Southern Leyte. %hrough
WW history, knew a little about Leyte (it was where eneral MacArthur had landed in the
Philippines) and had heard good things about its diving. A quick look on the internet and a
couple of days later, was there.

Sogod Bay is a gem of a place and my erman friend was right on the money. t was off the
map and tricky to get there, but in my experience, that is what makes such places. Having left
Puerto alera, had a 4 hour bus into Manila, an internal flight (everyone should experience
an internal Filipino flight. %hey are hilarious) to %acloban in Leyte and then a 4 hour private
bus journey to the resort in the south of the island. My hosts were Ron and Phil who had
started the Sogod Bay Resort www.sogodbayScubaresort.com having got pissed off with their
neighbour and previous employer. Ron had originally built his villa on the beach but had
converted this into a small but lovely and quiet resort, aimed purely at the diving. %he 'House
Reef' was one of best had seen. Walking right off the beach, the pebbles gently rolled into
the depths before plunging off a wall. Having created a micro marine reserve around the
resort, the fish were very happy and friendly. %hey may not have been plentiful in number but
they certainly were in variety. %he bio-diversity of this area of SE Asia is very famous.
Nudibranchs, Lionfish, Frogfish, Pipefish were all in abundance. %he only way to see what
had set out to see was with the local guide, Pedro.

As we drifted along the reef, always liked to keep Pedro in sight, not for safety reasons but
because suspected was likely to see a hell of lot more when was near him. Being a uide
myself, know how it works. f showed him respect by following in his tracks, was sure he
would repay the complement and show me a good time. Sure enough, we stopped at a
gorgonian sea fan. %hough beautiful in their own right but we were looking for its resident.
have to admit, though have good eyesight, could have stared at this fan all day and still not
seen it. ncredibly well camouflaged against the pink fan was a tiny and really do mean tiny,
Pigmy Seahorse. We all know what a seahorse looks like so try and shrink that down to
Pygmy size. %hey are less than the size of my finger nail, on my little finger. t begs the
question as to how they were first discovered and like most things in science, it was by luck
(or by mistake). %he story first heard was that some Asian fishermen were cleaning the deck
of their boat after a day at sea when they noticed a Pygmy Seahorse. Another species was
discovered only after the fan it was attached to, was taken to a laboratory to be studied in
1969. Hell, the little fellows must be famous. %hey even had their own website,
www.pygmyseahorses.com and yes, they are on Facebook as well!

chose to take a very rare night dive off the local pier at Padre Burgos. have to admit, the
entrance to the water is revolting. n full gear, climbing down a steep wall is not the easiest
thing in the world but to be met by the filthy water was worse. Even in the darkness of the
night, the moon lit up the litter floating on the surface. Still, Ron had told me this was a truly
great night dive and so off popped.

My initial plan was to swim under the crap but this was short lived. %he visibility was shite at
best. knew there was a reason Night Dives should be declared illegal. Surely a cold beer,
&% or even a cuppa tea had to be better than lying in this Filipino hell hole. was in the
water now, trying my best not to take in mouthfuls of plastic and other debris. Swimming
backwards is the best way to surface swim in Scuba and avoids the waves pushing into your
face, so this was the only decent tactic available to me. After as short swim, the surface vis
was still terrible but heard Ron shouting at me to get under. What? Was he completely mad?
know he was a Brit abroad but this was hardly the time to show his eccentric side. finned a
couple of more meters, stuck the black rubber thing in my gob, said my goodbyes to the land
and sank. was lucky enough to have a decent dive light and needed it. As left the surface
185

and the Coke cans, descended passed the famous Plastic Bag Fish and the used Nappy
(diaper) Fish. am sure there would have been the Common Ribbed Condom Fish
somewhere in these waters but was not too concerned about bumping into him at this stage.

As made out the bottom, realised was still amazingly shallow. Less than 3m (10ft) down
but my descent had been more nerve wracking than any 60m (00ft) dives had done. %he
next thing noticed was the vis. Under the Polystyrene and Cardboard Fish above me, the
water seemed to be amazingly clear. Using my inbuilt navigational system (also referred to as
a brain but also allows for the use of a digital compass on my computer), made my way into
deeper water and over to the pier.

have to say, the next 45 minutes or so were one of the best night dives of my life. OK, am
not a great fan of them and have never been on one of the great Manta night dives in Hawaii
or elsewhere so am not the best judge of these things, but have probably made about 00
or so in my time and know it takes quite a lot to arouse me. spent the entire time sat on the
black sand, finding all sorts of little critters in the debris man had left behind. t was classic
'muck diving' at its best. don't think saw anything bigger than Coke can actually. Everything
was in baby form. %iny octopi, juvenile Lionfish, a couple of Sea Kraits, Pipefish and lots of
seahorses and the weirdest of all, the Stargazer. new species for me in a single day. %his
place was just a little bit special.

%he following morning, the diving kicked up another notch. On the far side of the bay,
allegedly for the past 40 years or so, Whale sharks have been spotted swimming close to the
surface, following the contours of the shore. had seen a number of Whale sharks but let's be
honest, you cannot exactly get bored of seeing the larges fish in the Ocean can you? %he
Sogod Bay Whale sharks are migratory, following the jellyfish and krill into Sogod Bay from
November to April each year. My limited knowledge told me, rather like Mantas, they are
mainly spotted as they are feeding and the food reduces the visibility. %his makes
photography somewhat tricky. %his did not seem to be the case in Sogod Bay. Spending
hours in the water with 6 of them, the water was clear and warm, ideal conditions really.
%hese huge animals are incredibly agile for their size and totally consuming to watch. At the
time, there was no law against Scuba diving along side them, but it is far better for all
concerned to watch them with just a simple mask and snorkel. By resting on the surface, you
can see far more and are able to cover greater distances as it tends to be the tourist who
needs to follow the shark and not vice versa, as they are not exactly on a bungee cord
(though that would be useful must admit).

%ime and again, these beautiful beasts would rise from the depths and come right alongside
us on the surface. %hey could have wandered off at any time but they seem to enjoy the
interaction as much as we did. t is truly amazing how gracious and silent such mammoth
creatures can be. On one occasion, was lining up to take a full frontal photo of the Whale
shark as it came towards me but caught a glimpse of one of my fellow snorkellers trying to
attract my attention. He motioned me to turn around and as did so, another Whale shark was
right in front of me and gently nudged me forward. %here was little power to this nudge and no
damage was done to either party.

Sogod Bay is one of the rare places have purposely visited twice. returned in April 009
and shared a truly memorable 90 minutes with a single Whale shark as it corkscrewed down
the bay, passing right under me as it did so. Such moments are truly magical to a guy like me.

When it came time to leave Chuuk in September 006, was in no hurry to return to reality
and rather than take the slightly shorter route back from Chuuk by flying West, my route was
to the East and the first stop was the Hawaiian island of Maui for a tough week of R&R. had
arranged with my dear friend Rose Mary to meet up for a week of nothing much. Whereas
she was stressed from working for Apple in California, was just plain old tired. A week with a
friend in stunning surroundings and be lazy sounded rather good to me and that was how it
was. Rose Mary had arranged everything and all had to do was turn up which managed to
do without incident. She even picked me up in the rental car and took me to the Condo she
had arranged.

186

For those who have never been, Maui is truly a gorgeous island. Not that know Hawaii
particularly well by any means, each island seems to be very different. Maui is the
nd
largest
island in the chain and its landscapes are a stunning combination of geography, topography
and climate. f you ever have the chance to visit, would thoroughly recommend it. Although it
is part of the USA and has all the trappings that goes with that, it is very laid back and by
driving around it, you could see just how dramatically different each part was. %he central
volcanic region rises to over 910m (3000ft), above the cloud cover and gives way to a truly
barren 'moonscape'. We drove up here to admire the view. Wearing clothing for the tropical
climate below, was soon freezing my nuts off in the chilly, dry air. %he %edeschi Vineyards,
produce a very pleasant pineapple wine and well worth stopping for, let me assure you.
Whether it is the white sandy beaches, the tropical rain forests or the perfect surf, think
could easily get used to this Maui. With commuting whales and some big sharks, gather the
diving is pretty useful as well.

Flying on from Maui, spent 3 weeks touring parts of the USA. Picking up a car in
Philadelphia, drove up through New York State to the %housand slands on the Canadian
border, back through West Virginia and before knew it, was in raceland to see Elvis.
raceland is a fantastically kitsch type of place. Far smaller than one imagines but actually
very homely. drove through the cotton fields of %ennessee and over to Savannah in eorgia.
%he old part of this town is lovely and tell you what else is lovely, the women! %here is
something about a Southern Belle that seems most agreeable to the eye. From eorgia, it
was a sprint up the South and North Carolinian coast to meet up with one of my best friends,
Lauren.

We had met on the boat and instantly hit it off, she was just one of those people instantly
became friends with and we didn't seem to annoy each other by doing so. Lauren is a huge
fan of diving as well and so we planned to dive the NC coast. %o be more precise, had
suggested to Lauren why didn't we try and search for Megalodon teeth. had recently met a
guy called Scott on the boat in Chuuk. Scott found, collected and sold Meg teeth and have to
say, was instantly hooked. %he Megalodon is extinct from our shores nowadays, which is
probably just as well from the evidence of its size and appetite. Roaming the seas between
1.6 and 5 million years ago (the Miocene and Pliocene epochs), it was the ultimate predator.
We think of the classic reat White Shark as being the ultimate predator today but this thing
would have had the reat White for breakfast and still have gone back for more at lunchtime.
A large adult reat White has a jaw size capable of swallowing a man but would tend to take
bite sized chunks to actually achieve this. Certainly a mans head and shoulders can (and do)
fit quite easily into its mouth and together with a highly efficient sawing movement, you really
don't stand much of a chance, which is nice to know.

%he Megalodon took shark evolution to the extreme, found it was a little bit too big and died
off as a result. Using the reat Whites tooth as evidence, it is generally thought that a .5cm
(1 inch) tooth comes from a 3.3m (10ft) shark and can be multiplied accordingly. A 3m (10ft)
shark can do some serious damage to anything it wants to. reat Whites can grow as large
as 6m (0ft) and weigh up to ,68kg (5000lb). %hat is roughly 8 times the weight of an adult
man in case you were wondering. %he Megalodon's teeth are practically all that remains of
these monster sharks. Sharks are predominantly made from cartilage which does not
preserve in a fossil form and so all we have as evidence of their existence are teeth. Lots and
lots of teeth and a monster shark has monster teeth. Using the same rule of scale, it is
thought the Meg could range from 1m (40ft) to over 1m (0ft). %hat is roughly the size of a
hungry bus with teeth. t needed to eat over 1000kg (00lbs) of meat each day to sustain
itself and whales are thought to have been its preferred meal.

%he only Meg tooth had ever seen in my life was the one Scott had shown me. wanted one
but rather than buy one on e-Bay, wanted to go and hunt one down for myself. By the time
showed up at Lauren's front door, she had done some research on the diving further down
the North Carolinian coast and after a nice cuppa tea, we jumped back in the car.

We were booked on a small boat for days of diving, apparently to go hunting for these Meg
teeth. However, it immediately became evident this was not the case. %he small fishing boat
carried just 4 divers with Crew and we were off spear fishing from the evidence could see.
ndeed, the other divers wanted to spear fish, they had booked their places ahead of Lauren
18

and and so that is what we set out to do. am not into spear fishing it has to be said, so
Lauren and fell overboard, sunk to the wreck below and hunted around. Because associate
the Atlantic Ocean with freezing my nuts off in the surf off Cornwall, it was a pleasant surprise
that this side of the pond was warm with clear water, totally different to the UK. As Lauren and
found some large lobsters, couldn't help noticing our fellow divers were making a complete
pigs ear of spear fishing. As with any type of hunting, you need to be quiet and patient and
these Muppets were anything but. As they chased anything that moved, the fish simply
swam on ahead. From where was, could have shot half a dozen decent sized acks and
some very big Barracuda but that is not why dive.

After a couple of dives, we turned for home. Although had enjoyed my dives and grateful to
Lauren for arranging it, had not been able to look for any teeth. El Capitano knew this was
our goal and as we landed, he had a suggestion for us both. f we were prepared to pay for
the fuel, he would take us to a place we would definitely find teeth. Now, was a little sceptical
about this have to say. Scott had told me that he only used one Captain and with research,
they reckon they had found a rich seam of Meg teeth, far off the North Carolina coast. Most
teeth were usually found in the ancient rivers and off the beach but these were very small.
Captain %om asked me more about what knew and whom had been talking too and without
revealing any names, we worked out we both knew the same guy. Quite by chance, Lauren
had made a single phone call and inadvertently stumbled across the same Captain that Scott
used. What a result.

%he following day, Lauren and joined Capt. %om and his mate and we headed way off the
coast in search of teeth. t took a couple of hours to get to the site which had originally heard
from Scott. t is believed to be the mouth of an ancient river system and so all the teeth and
assorted debris had been washed this far off shore. Within a couple of minutes of jumping
over, Lauren and looked at each other as if to say, what the fuck are we looking for? We
grabbed anything we thought was vaguely interesting and before we were ready, had to
return to the boat for no other reason than a lack of air. As Lauren headed up, must admit,
did become a little preoccupied with a good sized Hammerhead, having a sniff.

Back on the boat, we were duly told we had found precisely fuck all. From the sounds of it, we
had actually tried a little too hard, digging up stuff when apparently the teeth and bone were
actually on top of the sea bed.

%he
nd
dive was more successful. Rather than dig, we simply scouted for anything that
resembled a very large tooth. t the rock or the dirt looked vaguely tooth shaped, we shoved it
in our bag. Back on the boat, you could easily see what was good and what was crap. 80% of
the stuff went overboard but between us, we were left with 9 decent teeth. have 4 of these
including an almost perfect reat White Shark fossil, thought to be over 10 million years old,
along with 3 Megalodon teeth, the largest being just over 1.cm (5 inches) long. Not a world
record by any standard but am proud of it. Anyway, it isn't the size that counts apparently!

During my
nd
stint on the Odyssey in 009, needed to take another vacation. had wanted
to get to New Zealand for years and years. had visited Oz way back in 1990 but had not
made a return visit and thought this could be my opportunity. After all, wasn't too far from
New Zealand (as the crow flies). 5490 km or 3410 miles was not too bad. %hat is about a 3
rd

of the distance from London to Auckland, so in theory, the price should be pretty reasonable.
London to Auckland takes about 6 hours and costs about 1000 ($1600) so surely it would
be quicker and cheaper than this, wouldn't it?

%his is where my hatred of Continental Micronesia begun to kick in and continues to this day.
Being the sole airline to link Chuuk to uam and then Australia, had not other choice but to
fly with them. From Oz, would pick another airline to take me to Auckland. %rying to do
anything from the boat was tricky at the best of times and booking flights via the phone and
internet was very frustrating and had very little time available to do this. %rying to arrange a
rental car was equally as frustrating. magine my surprise to learn that this relatively short
distance would ultimately take me almost twice as long and twice as much as flying from
London. Honestly, think it would have almost been quicker and cheaper to fly to London and
then all the way back to Auckland. n the end, it was Chuuk to uam, uam to Cairns, Cairns
188

to Brisbane and eventually Brisbane to Auckland. f thought was knackered before left
Chuuk, was almost zombified by the time arrived in the dead of night.

spent the next 3 days driving the entire length of New Zealand in my trusty steed, OK, a
Ford Focus. would have loved to have shared this experience with a mate or lover but alas,
was all alone for 3 weeks but have to say, utterly adored it. had often thought had never
met a Kiwi didn't like and this continues to this day. loved every part of what saw and did
there. have seen a fair amount of the world, and as a lover of nature and grand vistas, was
truly bowled over by the landscapes. %he North sland has the vast majority of the population
but with only 4 million people, it is hardly cramped. %he rolling hills reminded me of parts of
the British sles in many ways. guess that is why so many Brits choose to find a new life
there. Spending a night with friends Buffy and rant en route, had the North sland covered
in about 8 days.

had heard the inter-sland ferry from North to South was stunning but nothing prepared me
for just how beautiful it was. Leaving behind a wet and windy North island, the weather on the
crossing was perfectly sunny and smooth and the arrival via the Sounds into Picton is truly
memorable. was as happy as a Pig in Shit as the Focus and launched into the breath
taking driving roads around Queen Charlotte's Sound.

%he South sland is almost beyond words for anyone who has yet to visit. For those of you
who have been there, it has no doubt left an indelible image on your mind. For me, it is the
singular most photogenic place have ever seen which when driving, is both a pleasure and
frustrating. As was driving along Lake Hawaea towards Lake Wanaka, felt needed to take
quite a few photos of the scenery before passed it. %he problem was, each time turned a
corner, the views just appreciated in their beauty and before knew it, had about 00 photos
from a single days driving. From the Sperm Whales of Kaikoura to the Penguins of Dunedin,
the drama of Milford Sound to the Sofitel hotel toilets in Queenstown, New Zealand is truly
breathtaking. Oh, what do mean by Sofitel %oilets in Queenstown? blame the affer for
that one. called him one morning in Queenstown and rather than talk about the weather, he
insisted went to the loo at the Sofitel hotel. You should oogle 'Sofitel Queentsown Loo' or
better still, go and visit. n case you are wondering, no, it is not the same in the Ladies!

My final vacation was when left Chuuk for the second time in August 010. Having already
seen Palau and the Philippines and following my memorable encounter with the Manta on the
Shinkoku Maru in February, decided to go and have a look at the neighbouring State of Yap.
Famous for its Manta Rays, was looking forward to 4 days of diving with them. was very
lucky to have been offered a reduced room rate and free diving at the Manta Ray Bay so
was more than happy to go and check out the island.

%he first thing that struck me about Yap, even in the dark, was how neat it was and that
wasn't bouncing off my bus seat as we left the airport for the short journey to the hotel. %his
really brought home to me just how badly corrupt Chuuk must surely be. Yap showed no
signs of being a filthy hell hole and even with lots of rain, it coped admirably. Chuuk was a
great big mud pit in the rain and unfortunately it was always either raining or about to rain. My
room in the Manta Bay Resort was way too big for me, but managed to fill it none the less.
Having coming from a bunk bed in a shared cabin on the boat, was now presented with
double beds, air con and a huge ensuite. even had a ground floor balcony, offering stunning
sunrises.

%he Manta season in Yap is from December to April when there can be as many as 100 of
them. Because only had the opportunity to get there in August, was not sure what to expect
but still, it was worth a shot. %he water visibility was variable and we were only able to dive a
few of the sites, but did see 8 of the beauties during my time there, so cannot complain. For
the most part, most encounters with Mantas are relatively short, fleeting glimpses, which
made my encounter in Chuuk, that much rarer. n addition to the Manta madness, saw my
first Crocodile fish which has to have arguably the weirdest eye you can imagine. t is as if
someone has draped some seaweed in front of its eyeball. also saw my first Leaf fish, which
is actually a fish, not just a leaf, floating about in the water.

189

Leaving Yap was not as easy as arriving and this was the final straw in my hatred of
Continental Micronesia airline. My flight from Yap to uam was due to leave at 04:00 on
Friday morning which is about as bad as it gets, unless it all goes tits up. Arriving at the tiny
airport before 0:00, because Yap does not have a metal detector to scan bags, everything
needs to be search by hand. Whereas in Chuuk, this was generally a good pat down and took
less than a couple of minutes, the authorities in Yap like to take their time. Each bag is
opened and each bag within the bag is searched. t seemed to take an inordinate amount of
time just to get passed this and proceed to check-in. Having dumped my bags and collected
my ticket, joined the horrendous queue for the hand luggage and by 03:30, managed to take
a seat in Departures. t was only when the lady was talking too pointed out it was raining, did
actually notice this because it always tends to rain in Micronesia. We heard the plane
overhead and carried on chatting.

At 03:45, the bing-bong announcement told us what we didn't want to hear. %he plane was
not going to land. n fact, it was already continuing on its way to uam because of the rain.
Still, not to worry. f we would kindly remain seated for 0 minutes or so, the authorities were
thinking of sending a rescue flight to pick up the 50 or so of us who had been abandoned.
%his did not look or sound good. immediately suspected a rescue plane was highly unlikely,
due to the cost and also knew Continental would do precisely nothing to help their
passengers. t seems to contradict their charter from what could tell. By 0430 was back at
my hotel and slipped back into bed, not knowing what was going to happen next.

t would have been too much to expect to hear from the airline by breakfast time and it was
lunch time before knew the score. %here was no rescue. nstead, was booked on the next
scheduled flight out of Yap to uam, but this would not be until Sunday morning, making me
48 hours late. Of course, the airline could not bother to apologise and would not be refunded
my additional hotel costs. Basically, they may as well sent me a Christmas Card, asking me to
pay its postage, with the message inside saying 'Fuck You'.

Still, on the positive side, knew where stood and set about rearranging my flight out of
uam to London, via Seoul. %his was booked with Korean Air and because they are not in the
same alliance as Continental, they had nothing to do with one another. %he first part of my
conversation with Korean Air went according to plan. Because would be arriving 48 hours
late into uam, could delay my uam Seoul London flight by 48 hours? f could, then
no harm done and could sit by the pool with a book for another day or so. Yes, could delay
my flight from uam to Seoul no problem. %hen came the shocker.

"Seoul to London is full Sir. Really busy. %here is a waiting list on this flight. Long list Sir. Oh
dear, it is days long!

n fact, the waiting list to fly from Seoul to London was longer than this. don't know why
every Korean wanted to fly to London but they seemed very determined to get to Blighty by
late August. Because didn't have a mobile phone and the hotel pay phone had eaten 38
($60) for 44 minutes, decided couldn't really rectify this any further until got back to uam.
Now where was my book and the pool?

48 hours after the 1st abortive trip to the airport, we all had to endure it once again. Arriving at
the airport nice and early, my bags were searched once again and this took a really long time.
can't say they were searched thoroughly, as still managed to smuggle some illicit goods,
hidden in a secret pocket. doubt they would have had a clue what to do had they actually
found something explosive anyway. f they ever do find an explosive, my suspicion is they
would simply put it is a zip lock bag and ask the bomber to carry it in hand luggage.
Eventually, made my way to the check-in desk to collect my boarding pass, or so thought.
Would you Adam and Eve it, but not only had already waited an additional 48 hours, not only
had had to endure the airport security twice but now they were dropping another bombshell
on me.

"Ahh, Mr. Munns. We do not have a seat for you on this flight. You have been placed on
Stand-by and hopefully you can join this flight if someone is prepared to give up their seat. f
no one comes forward, you can definitely join the next flight to uam, but that is 3 days from
now. Oh joy.
190


You can probably begin to appreciate now how much wanted to lose my rag at this point but
held it together and sucked it up. %his is why hate Continental Micronesia so much, but we
are not finished yet, oh no.

Luckily for me, there were some young Peace Corps types who agreed to vacate their seats
and travel 3 days later. For their troubles, these young girls were awarded 15 ($00) each.
had to laugh at the irony. had so far lost out 190 ($300) in additional hotel fees which
would not be reimbursed, yet these girls were awarded $00 NO% to fly. Anyway, was on the
flight and before too long, back in uam shortly after 06:00.

Once in my hotel in uam, had decent internet, a free phone and after hours kip, set
about trying to sort out the mess. %he last thing wanted was to fly from uam into Seoul and
then be stuck. Being stuck in or close to an airport overnight was bad enough but days
seemed excessive. A phone call to Korean Air revealed the had actually increased to
days. %he Stand-by list was 10 people or more and would be for some time to come. t was
not looking good. Even if wanted to upgrade my flight to Business Class, this would cost an
additional 000 ($3000) and even then, there was still a 3 day waiting list from Seoul.
Perhaps contacting Continental wouagainld be helpful.

%he Continental phone line was next to useless so walked up to the airport in the searing
heat and tracked down a Supervisor. Low and behold, he was as useless as a sterile badger
on heat but he did at least say he would call me in hours at my hotel, after he had spoken to
a higher authority. didn't know od worked for an airline but perhaps the recession was
hitting us all.

Returning to the hotel, could not sleep and was increasingly worried and frustrated by the
whole mess. Continental's hour deadline came and went. 3 hours, 4 hours, 5 hours. rather
suspected they were going to be of no use to me whatsoever, so went online and started to
hunt down a new flight. knew was still OK to fly from uam to Seoul, so only needed a
new ticket to fly from Seoul to London. Don't ask me how this works but found the same
flight on 3 different websites with completely different prices. paid 40 ($60) for a ticket
from Seoul Shanghai London but could have paid triple that amount if so wished!

Continental eventually called me at 19:00, just hours later than planned but then this sums
up the airline in so many ways. Long story short, they called to tell me to piss off. As far as
they were concerned, they had got me from Yap to uam which is what had paid for and
they would not refund me any money because it was delayed due to rain, an Act of od. Well
what happens if don't believe in od? %he lady on the end of the phone didn't like this
question and hung up the phone! booked the new flight to London and coughed up an
additional 40. %hat hurt.

At midnight, with bags packed, headed back to the airport. %he Korean Air desk was very
concerned for my welfare and tried everything they could to try and find me a seat from Seoul
to London on my original ticket. %he waiting list at Seoul was getting worse and worse.
Perhaps South Korea was about to be invaded by Kim ung-l from the North and they all
wanted to eat Fish & Chips and drink cups of tea for the rest of their lives. have no idea.

For the first time, found my new internet flight ticket was not an instant booking. %he Korean
Air desk could see have booked and paid for a new flight out of Seoul but it had not yet been
authorised. We waited for as long as possible but in the end, had to check-in on the flight
from uam to Seoul and would have to check-in again once had arrived in South Korea.
Having passed through the American security process, checked my emails again from the
Departure lounge. had now received a confirmation email telling me my new flight from
Seoul to Shanghai and onto London was now valid. %he problem was, it was too late to check
in with this new ticket.

Arriving in Seoul, collected my bags, passed through immigration and customs and went to
find the new check-in desk. %his was going to be another 1
st
for me. was checking-in for a
flight, with valid tickets to get me to London. As soon as the lady looked at the original ticket
191

and sighed, knew the day waiting list was probably even longer. checked in on the new
ticket. was off to Shanghai.

After all the commotion, arrived in London a grand total of 5 hours later than had hoped.
had run up 65 ($1000) in additional expenses which thought was quite low, all things
considered. Amazingly and just when really didn't want to see them, all of my bags made it
to Heathrow as well. t would have been so much nicer if they were delayed and be couriered
to me as they had done on so many other occasions. had been on the run for just over 4.5
days and doubt if slept for more than 6 continuous hours during that time. Put it this way, it
took me a week to recover my sleep pattern.

would like to say it all ended there, but Continental had just 1 more insult in store for me. t is
only when you want to log a complaint, you realise how difficult it is to track down this
information. %he only email addresses on the website were generic and totally useless.
wanted to hear directly from the Presidents of both Continental Airline and Continental
Micronesia. Up until this point, not one member of staff had even apologised for the mess. All
they had managed to do was avoid actually helping me.

Having heard nothing from the generic emails, 10 days later fired off a series of hard copy
letters to the head offices in Houston and uam requesting full reimbursement for my
additional expenses and Air Miles as a gesture of ood Will. waited.

A few days later, started to receive emails to say my correspondence had been received and
would hear back shortly. was even given a tracking number for my complaint, but no
website to track it on. Days passed and then, at last an answer from a Customer Care
Manager called Billy.

AIthough I must respectfuIIy decIine your request for reimbursement of out-of-pocket
expenses, as a tangibIe gesture of our concern, I have authorized bonus miIeage be
added to your account. PIease aIIow 2-3 business days for the miIeage to refIect this.

%he following day, got my answer. had been awarded a grand total of 000 miles. Now, this
may sound a lot, but believe me, it isn't. ust to make the point, called the Continental office
in London with a couple of questions.

"f wanted to use my Air Miles to fly from London to Denver in anuary 011, how many
miles would need? Answer, ,500 miles.

"Right, if was to say to you have recently been awarded 000 miles, this isn't much is it?
mean, what could get for 000 miles?

was directed to the Continental.com website and to their online store. was told may be
able to order a magazine subscription for that amount. n fact, can't even get that much. %he
cheapest offer Continental has is a subscription to the Wall Street ournal and even that costs
800 miles. was not even worth a newspaper in their opinion. %his seriously pissed me off. f
there is one thing that annoys me, it is a lack of Customer Service. Having worked in a client
facing industry for over 10 years, know full well how a little can go a long way. Keep your
customer happy today and give them no reason to go elsewhere tomorrow. My next email
from another Continental Customer Service Manager called Cindy rammed home this point.
Her email to me ended,

AIthough I recognize an apoIogy after the event does IittIe to eIiminate the unfavorabIe
impression aIready created, pIease know that we vaIue your business. We hope that
you wiII not judge us on this experience as we wouId be honored to weIcome you
onboard another ontinentaI AirIines fIight where I am confident that you wiII
experience the outstanding service and operationaI reIiabiIity that refIects our
commitment to our passengers.

almost threw my laptop out of the window, but would have to pay to replace that too.

19

5 weeks after my initial complaint was sent, had my final conversation with yet another
Customer Care Manager called Sheila, though could have sworn it was a bloke. She had the
deepest voice which is very weird at then end of a telephone line. We had a good chat for 40
minutes. would like to say it was a constructive chat but this was one tough cookie and she
was not about to crumble. She was apparently the Head Honcho, working for Corporate no
less so her decision was final. Oh and her decision was basically to go Fuck myself, Mr.
Munns!



193

hapter 41
Hasta La Vista..


Mr. Spielberg should never underestimate the power of the movies and nowhere was this
more succinct than in Chuuk. %he atrocities of 9/11 took a while to hit Chuuk. OK for starters
and technically speaking, due to the nternational %ime Zone, 9/11 actually happened early on
9/1 but that doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Besides, there is no real media on the
island and by the time the local paper got around to it, it was a week out of date. Magazines
are flown in from uam and this slows the process as well. %here is no %V either and the only
radio station is all about od and what did od have to do about 9/11? Answers on a post
card. No, 9/11 would have to wait before the good people of Chuuk would get around to
hearing about it.

Conversations about which religion followed or why did not have od in my heart was an
ongoing one had with some the Crew. %he guys who liked to smoke, drink and have multiple
girlfriends but who loved their wives as soon as they came to pick them up at the end of the
week, tended to keep quiet on the subject.

By 006, the World was being told the entire Muslim population were either radical or on the
verge of being radical and none of them should be trusted. Obviously this is a load of bull,
spread by the paranoia of the US press and other idiots but it was an interesting concept
none the less. t prompted me to ask the question as to how the Chuukese people determined
who their enemy was, considering they were barely influenced by world events and media.
%he answer to my question was shocking in its simplicity and naivety.

"We watch a lot of DVDs here and so if Steven Seagal is kicking ass against the Muslims,
then we should too.

Now, you can't argue with that, can you?

Having originally signed for a 1 year contract, it was not difficult to extend this because was
enjoying myself so much. had a lot to learn and had quite a lot to offer as well, so it suited
all sides that stay for a while longer. None of us are getting any younger and it had never
been my intention to continue diving in this way for the rest of my time. Having worked with
Auston in St. Kitts, did not want to consider myself tied to this lifestyle infinitum and so at
some stage, would need to conscientiously take the decision to leave and move on. My
problem was (and still is) what to move onto next?

Having arrived in April 006, agreed to leave in September 00. %o some extent had
achieved what had set out to do by that time. From a personal point of view, had learned
the wrecks intimately, had trained as a %echnical Diver and had saved a nice wad of cash.
From a professional point of view, felt was leaving a positive imprint on the boat. had
developed the majority of the uides to a higher level of professionalism. For sure, they
already knew how to dive before arrived on the scene but had volunteered to formally train
them from Advanced Open Water divers to Rescue divers and a couple of them were on the
verge of finishing their Dive Master courses.

Along with the boat owners, felt it was important these guys had formal qualifications. For
starters, the paying guests would expect the uides to be trained to this standard and be able
to cope when circumstances arose. From my point of view, it helped ease my initial anxiety
about the guys. was a little concerned they had never actually bothered to think about
various scenarios that could easily occur. %his was very obvious as soon as arrived on the
scene. f any guest needed a little assistance on the surface, their immediate reaction was to
jump in and swim to save them. %his is not necessarily the best option. t may be better to
throw out a line or something else that floats and aid them from a distance. Leaving the boat
is normally the last option available to the rescuer.

194

%he Chuukese mentality was to almost always agree with the guest. t was not in their nature
(and they thought they would get into trouble) if they said 'no' to a guest. know the phrase
'%he Customer is always Right' but not when it comes to safety. A dead customer is no use to
anyone can assure you of that. %he guests did not know the waters as we did. %hey did not
appreciate the changeable weather as we did, they did not know the intricate areas of some
of the wrecks as we did and so occasionally, especially if the male Ego came into play, we
would need to knock them down a peg or . f know 'm right, am not afraid to say no or
disagree with anyone. Call it stubborn, call it being decisive.

Once in while, my little ears would prick up as heard a guest trying to shimmy up to one of
the uides and ask whether they could go to a certain part of the wreck. %his would piss me
off no end, especially if knew the guest had already asked the same question to me or
someone else and their request had been previously been denied. Of course we wanted to try
and make everyone as happy as possible, but sometimes you just had to deny their request,
mostly because they wanted to get into an area that was simply too tight or on the verge of
collapsing. Perhaps one of the more common requests was to try and make deep
penetrations of the wreck at night. %his is simply not a good idea for obvious reasons. OK, if
this is not obvious to you, let me try and set the scene.

You are inside a wreck at night. t is pitch black as you penetrate further and further. Your
uide tries his best to keep in contact with you at all times but due to the twisting and turning
of the companionways and corridors etc, there are moments you lose contact. You turn your
head to admire a piece of machinery and before you know it, you cannot see anyone in front
of you. mmediately your heart steps up a beat. Panic is never too far away. You move
forward to try and catch up with the uide but instead of turning to the left, you go straight on.
A minute passes and you decide to try and find an exit. During the day dives, you were aware
of lots of ambient light penetrating the wreck and you could have escaped through any one of
these. You look for these escape hatches but there is no longer any ambient light. t is pitch
black in every direction. Still no sign of the uide. Less than minutes have passed since you
last saw him but it feels like eternity. Your light begins to fail. You pull out your back up.
Perhaps your forgot to charge it or you don't have a back up. Perhaps your over enthusiasm
for light causes you to flood it. Your heart is now beginning to over-rule your head. You
decided to try and back track your route but you were following someone else and weren't
really concentrating.

could go on but don't think there is much need to.

%hat is why, once in a while, we were right and the guest was wrong. When first arrived on
the boat, the uides would unfortunately rather say yes than no to such requests and
fortunately it always seemed to be OK. %his 'roll over and scratch my tummy' attitude has now
ended and the locals feel increasingly confident to give their advice on all sorts of requests,
confident in the knowledge that both and the Captain would always back them. think they
also gained confidence when occasionally, wouldn't take particular guests on some routes. f
was not confident with their abilities, would suggest another route. %here were wrecks like
the Rio De aneiro when would openly admit did not know the Engine room nearly as well
as some of the locals and would think nothing of suggesting the guests dive with someone
other than me.

don't think you can call it racism but when first arrived on the scene, was aware some of
the guests were a little 'hesitant' about being guided by the locals. A little look in their eye
indicated they felt a little uneasy for whatever reason. Perhaps these guys were indeed all
cannibals! %he Chuukese used to joke the sharks did not like Dark meat anyway. %hat always
caused guests to smile nervously. suppose it was fairly understandable that as the
nstructor, the new guests felt more comfortable with me and some would prefer to dive with
me or one of the other non-local Crew on the first dive. am delighted to say they soon
changed their mind. %he Chuukese uides not only have wonderful diving techniques, they
are naturally caring people and underwater, their personalities were always on show.

A few weeks before left the boat in 00, the 3
rd
owner (Cliff) came out on his annual trip, to
have a look at the boat and also to get wet. Cliff and got on extremely well. think we just
speak each others language, despite him being American! Whether it is about the boat,
195

politics or some other bull, we could chat for ages. He asked what my plans were once was
off the boat and have to say, didn't really have any particular answer. Living on the boat,
had no time to do anything else asides from work. E-mails were a luxury and applying for
another job was practically impossible. had the idea wanted to remain in the diving industry
but did not want to remain in the water on a day-to-day basis. For the moment, wanted to
dry out.

One idea had was to try and start my own dive travel company, concentrating on the luxury
end of the market. was torn as to whether to try and start something by myself or to try and
tie-in with an existing luxury travel company who did not offer diving as part of their portfolio.
During our chats, Cliff told me there was a cancellation for a full charter (16 places) on the
boat in 18 months time (Easter 009). %his was perfect for me. %he usual waiting list was
closer to 3 years and so this was a great opportunity for me to get the ball rolling. knew
everything a diver needed to know about the boat, the Crew, the travel etc. so if couldn't sell
it, then who could? %he deal was sealed there and then. was in the dive travel business.

Knowing was returning to the boat in 18 months time made my departure a lot easier. was
very attached to the Crew and the boat as a whole. had given a lot of myself but had
equally received a whole lot back, memories that would stay with me for the rest of my life.
However, wanted and needed to find a new path in life and had decided to return to the UK.
took 4 weeks to get 'home'. %here was no need to rush these things in life and knew the
UK was going to quickly sap all my energy and bank balance.

was fortunate enough to find a job within 48 hours of settling back in to my flat in SW
London. had sent a single text message to a friend who was in the recruitment business and
before knew it, was going to work for her. t was an agency for Social Workers of all things,
something knew nothing about but that didn't seem to matter. %he company had sacked 3
members of staff the previous day and they needed me to come and sort out the office and
their computers. t shouldn't take long. A week tops.

umping back on the London Underground (aka %he %ube) is a pretty miserable experience
by any standards but in October, in the rain and dark made it particularly bad. Remembering
where had just left (and still had a tan to prove it) just seemed to rub salt into the wound but
it had been my decision and there was not use complaining. %he %ube is a weird place.
Unlike the NY Subway which seems to have more energy to it, Londoners simply get on and
endure it. Newspapers out, earphones on, it is a time to do and think of precisely nothing.
%hat may not be entirely fair to the millions of commuters but it isn't exactly a barrel of laughs.
No one talks (unless it is some arsehole who is shouting down the phone) and perish the
thought if you want to strike up a conversation with a stranger. All eye contact is illegal it
seems. Having said that, the Washington DC metro must rank as one of the most anal and
intolerant places have been to, though see they have bent the rules ever so slightly now.
You are not permitted to eat or drink anything for fear of death. When was there in 004 you
were not even allowed to listen to music through headphones but that seems to be OK now.
What a relief.

spent my first days in the new job moving paper! Honestly, that is what did. found all
sorts of different pads and envelopes and moved them into boxes and stacked them on
shelves. was terrific at it, really was. Needless to say, my talents were soon spotted and
was promoted, think. %he week became a month, the month became 6 and before knew it,
was almost running the company. You think am kidding but in a way, was. %he Directors
needed time and space to find a buyer for the ailing company and because knew the Boss
and she trusted me, was asked to take over the running of all 3 offices in the London area.
have to say, quite liked this role.

n addition to what had become a full time job, employed the services of a Career Consultant
to try and help me to start my own luxury dive travel company. wrote a serious business plan
and set about trying to see if there was any interest in it from existing travel companies who
were not engaged in the diving market. Because of my target audience, it is very limited but
potentially lucrative market. had several meetings and for the most part, at first things looked
to be pretty good but then the world well and truly fell apart.
196

My decision to return to the UK coincided with possibly the worst financial upheaval in a
generation. t was so bad, it was almost funny. Having been away for several years, have to
admit was a little out of the loop but am a quick learner. had read and learned a year or so
before, the world was being built on credit and debt and that is never a good thing. Apart from
a mortgage, am not in and never intend to go into debt. t is something just don't feel
comfortable with and don't really understand the mentality of those who want something now
but know they cannot afford it. t just doesn't sit squarely with me. My trip to North Carolina in
the late summer of 00 was pretty scary in some ways. Returning to the dock, the dive boat
passed lots and lots of empty homes. Each one of them was a
nd
home and vast numbers of
them were being repossessed by the banks as the so-called owners defaulted on their
payments.

%he financial crisis caused me to knock my dive travel idea on the head before it had really
begun. Having initially had a degree of interest and at least had meetings with half a dozen
up-market travel companies, the overwhelming reaction had rapidly turned to, '%he timing is
not right at this present time. Perhaps in a year or so we could look at it again'.

%his was fully understandable from my point of view. Everyone knew we were in for a long
haul and this recession was going to take its toll on almost everyone in the UK, Europe and
USA and those countries were my target demographics. Who is to blame for all this? guess
we all were to some extent but don't get me started on this one.

Although the bigger picture of setting up my own company was to be put on hold for the
foreseeable future, still had the matter of selling my 16 places on the Odyssey to get on with.
%here was no real way of telling how successful would be at this, so just got on with it.
had met a gentleman called an on the boat a couple of times and we got on very well. He
very kindly said to me that if ever got a dive trip up and running, should let him know
because he knew others who were keen to visit Chuuk. He was my first target and he quickly
returned the email with an initial interest for 6-8 places.

Within days, was contacted by another gentleman called Mike. Mike had contacted the
Odyssey's office in Florida as he wanted to reserve some places for his dive group. Because
he wanted to book the week had already chartered, the Odyssey threw his enquiry in my
direction. Within the week, had confirmation for all 15 places (plus me). t had cost me 6
emails and phone calls. didn't even have time to set up a company or even a website. Not
only would be returning to Chuuk, would be paid for doing so. 11 of the 16 had already
been to Chuuk and so organising the trip was almost non-existent from my point of view.
Everyone wanted to arrange their own flights. simply stated would be in Hong Kong,
Manila, uam and Chuuk at certain times and if anyone happened to be there at the same
time, would be happy to meet them there. Simples.

Returning to Chuuk in March 009 was fantastic, though a little weird. was the roup Leader
on paper but almost everyone knew what to expect, so that made my life very simple. %o
some extent, could act as an additional guide to whom ever wanted me. As it turned out,
dived with a lady called Linda all week and we had a great time messing about. knew Lenny
would be on the boat at the same time but it was great surprise to see Cara (his wife and co-
owner) was there too. She had surprised Lenny a week before by turning up unannounced
and was surprising me as well. t was a little strange being back on board. t just felt a little
funny to be on holiday and not working. was so accustomed to filling tanks and being on call,
it was a nice change to finish a dive and not feel guilty for taking my time in getting dry and
having a nice long drink and sitting down to relax.

One aspect noticed but had not anticipated was just how busy was on vacation. By the time
had made 4 dives a day, stuffed myself 3 times a day and had a couple of beers, was
completely knackered. never actually managed to watch a single DVD that week. As soon
as my head hit the pillow, was well and truly out for the count.

During my time was on the boat, Lenny, Cara and had a chat and agreed would return to
the Odyssey for another year. %he company had been working for in London had
successfully found a buyer (which seemed to be nothing short of a miracle in those turbulent
times) but this also meant the end of my illustrious career as a Social Worker wannabe. %hat
19

was fine by me. t was hardly the career of choice for me and sometimes good things can
come from losing a job. Returning to Chuuk made sense to me. n no uncertain terms, would
be able to wait out the recession and because the boat had close to a 3 year waiting list, we
knew the following couple of years were already booked and busy. What is the point in
wallowing about in self pity on the dole if the alternative is to dive in Paradise?

returned to the boat in August in 009 having agreed to stay for 1 months. %hough love
my diving, was determined it would not rule who was or what wanted to become. was 3
by this time and still wanted to be able to settle down and hopefully get married and have a
dog and all that crap!

For the most part, returning to the boat was as if nothing had ever changed. %he Crew was
pretty much the same except for a couple of new faces. One of the previous Night Watch men
had been found asleep and had been replaced. Captain .. had subsequently got married to
Kim and they worked the boat together for 6 months of the year. For the other 6 months,
Nelson took on the Captaincy and %odd (who had already been onboard for close to a year)
took over the video and worked with me on the Deck.

Because a lot of the dive shops tend to be repeat guests, it was like welcoming back old
friends from time to time. My 1
st
week back was a bunch of Aussies whom had met in 006.
%hey were followed by familiar group from the States and from then on, almost every week
the incoming guests would recognise the Crew, even if it did take us a little while to catch on.
t is a little unnerving when greeting the incoming guests on the dock in the dark and suddenly
a voice comes from nowhere when someone recognises you. have met so many people
over my diving career, it sometimes took a while to figure out names and faces.

n the years had been away from Chuuk, a couple of wrecks were showing the effects of
being underwater for 0 years but nothing else had changed much. Whereas other areas of
the world were generally getting a little bit better, am not too sure about Chuuk. %he roads
were definitely still a complete mess. No one had invested in the infrastructure since
ndependence in the 1980s and it truly showed. n addition to the roads, the power was still
very 'hit and miss' and law and order fell into the same category as far as could see.

Chuuk nternational Airport had been improved but don't think this had much to do with the
Chuukese overnment. %he old tin shack had been replaced by a larger tin shack. For some
reason, someone had taken the decision to banish the little shop selling drinks to all the
thirsty people as they sat in the heat. %he toilets were improved considerably but this didn't
last long. don't think anyone had the foresight to actually employ a decent cleaner to keep
the facilities in a moderately clean condition and having paid a visit once, would not pay
another in a hurry.

%he flooring was replaced throughout with marble. Now, before you all go ooh and ahh, this
marble was a nightmare. t was highly polished and with the thinnest layer of water and mud
(which is constant in Chuuk), they may well have laid down an ice rink. Honestly, went arse
over tit on too many occasions in my flip flops and ended up having to tentatively walk in bare
feet. No one seemed to know who had paid for this 'upgrade' until a nice big plaque was
mounted on the wall by the entrance. t was funded by the Peoples Republic of China. Now
this got me thinking. What we were the Chinese up to? mean, there has to be a very good
reason why any country would want to invest in another country. don't think it was a
charitable donation.

A couple of months later, the Chinese showed up. %hey did not bring heavy artillery or land on
the beaches but chose to sit off the island for several weeks. %here were 3 huge ships in the
Lagoon. 1 was a huge canning factory ship and the others were trawlers and in no uncertain
terms, these trawlers went outside the reef and hoovered up a hell of a lot of fish. %he
Chuukese guys were not exactly happy with this but what could they do? %heir overnment
looked to have sold them out. heard a little later of perhaps a true reason for the Chinese
involvement in Chuuk. %he Federated State of Micronesia had been accepted as a member of
the United Nations in 1991 and this may be the key. f the Chinese could make friends with
lots of tiny and relatively insignificant member States, at some stage in the future they may
198

prove immensely important if the Chinese want to pass a UN resolution and need to find
some 'friendly' votes.

%he Americans are increasingly concerned about China that is plain to see. o and visit
uam if you don't believe me. With the US armed forces being asked or forced to leave other
countries in Asia, uam is rapidly becoming strategically vital in maintaining a close eye on
the People's Liberation Army. What this space.



199

hapter 42
ShaII I Stay Or ShaII I Go?


n late September 010, called %ime on my illustrious diving career. My fins had served me
well but there was no need to wear them out. had notched up over 4000 dives which is
probably close to 6 months spent breathing underwater. By luck or by design, had never,
ever had a single accident requiring anything more than a Band Aid or an buprofen. For sure,
know for a fact that had danced with the Devil on several occasions but the Devil met,
can't Salsa. am jammy bugger know. Others are not so and have paid a heavy price.

From the moment returned to the UK, made the decision not to rush to find a job, a nice
position to be in know. When had previously returned in 00, had found a job with Social
Care Associates within just a couple of days. Although this was useful to the bank balance, it
quickly prevented me from doing what want to do; write.

%his time around, blanked out my entire diary from October to New Year and dedicated my
entire time to writing this book and other things. On a previous trip home to the UK for %ink &
Franci's wedding, had made contact with a couple of Scuba Diving magazines and in
particular, DVE Magazine. %he Editor, Simon Rogerson very kindly took the time to call me
about an article wanted to write and we agreed, should submit something on the lines of
being a professional guide in Chuuk. What followed was 'An nsiders uide to the Fujikawa
Maru'.

Having submitted it in October 010, Simon called to say he would be exceptionally happy to
publish it. He thought my writing style was very interesting, showing creativity, humour and
detail, something that is lacking from many other articles which tend to be pretty bland and
technical. was delighted. was to become a Published Writer and what's more, was going
to be paid for doing so.

%he article was edited with my consent to about 1400 words and was written in much the
same style as presented the weekly Dive Briefings on the Odyssey, prior to diving the
Fujikawa Maru. tried to engage the reader in a way they could almost be in the water with
me as ducked and dived my way from Stern to Bow. My weekly briefing for this particular
wreck took about 40 minutes to deliver because there was so much to see and do, and the
boat would be on the wreck for 4 of the 5 dives on that day. My article took almost as long to
read.

was so excited when heard it would be definitely going to print. had never had this before,
especially in a national magazine that the great British public would pay to read. On the day it
was delivered to the shops, was there, buying copies for myself and friends. sent one out to
the Odyssey and one to my great friend Lauren who had been a model for one of the photos
in the article. also asked friends and family to shell out some money as well, which they
happily did. %he feedback was 100% positive, which guess is not too surprising. Over time,
have come across complete strangers who have read my article, so would like to think it hit
the mark and not just to those who have been, or want to go to Chuuk and dive.

once had a job interview over Skype for a role in Saudi Arabia of all places. OK, so wasn't
particularly suitable or successful with the role, but the guy who was interviewing me, had
recently been on a dive trip to the Maldives and quite by chance, had read my article as well
which had obviously been left on the boat by a previous guest.

My 'success' of the article, re-emphasised my desire to write this book. At first, really did
only intend for it to be my personal account and recollections of where my life has taken me
and was purely meant as a self-serving exercise. Once started it, thought it would be best
served as a family momento for historical purposes based purely on the thought that my
family probably have little idea of what really got up to on my travels. n addition, it is always
fun and interesting to learn of various family skeletons in the closet, of wayward relations who
00

have been up to no good in far off lands. As am not married and have no children, what
better way to leave an account of some stories that some may find interesting, both today and
tomorrow.

nevitably, have mentioned this book to friends and fellow diving mates and the general
consensus has been very favourable and well received. Many people would like to write a
book but either do not have the time or the inclination to do so. Luckily for me, have both.

Once the main backbone of the book was finished, which took about 3 months to write, set
about trying to find another job to fill my days. Being in the midst of a deep and protracted
recession, this was easier said than done. For all the good will of those around me, for a long,
dark time, there seemed to almost no end to the application procedure.

nevitably of course, something turns up and found myself a job which was almost exactly
what was seeking, selling %ailor Made diving holidays. Of course the company and the role
was not perfect, what is? However it was a great learning curve for me and has allowed me to
live and work at both ends of the holiday industry. Having been the one to meet people off the
plane and provide them with sensational memories, am now able to arrange that holiday to
begin with.

At the recent UK Dive Show in October 011, was asked if would like to present a seminar
to the public on both days of the Show. Having visited several dive shows over the years,
have become more and more frustrated with some of the people who have presented these
seminars, mainly because they were either factually incorrect, or they were actually lying.
saw this as my opportunity to present the facts. took to the stage and presented my slide
show about diving in Chuuk, Yap and Palau. And the title of my presentation?

'Where %he %ruk Am ?'




Charlie Munns
0 Weydown Close
London
SW19 6