2011? Is it really over?

Lord help all of us if this is really the end of 2011! We all know what that means. We are part of another years history, part of the past, and of a time that will never be recouped. Sad, isn't it? Being pushed out of one time and into the next. I was just starting to get accustomed to using '2011' in my writing and on the blanks of seldom used checkbooks. Hell, I still don't know if we pronounce it "twenty-eleven" or "two thousand-eleven". I am guessing the next generation will decide what year it was when they remineince about the good old days. Good old days? That is funny, isn't it? I am not sure if they were good or not. The advent of the Arab Spring and the year of the fall of Al Queda? Who knows? Certainly not I. I expect that someone with a better understanding of this time and atmosphere will pen a page for the history books at a later date to tell my descendants how I felt about this year. I just don't think that is acceptable. I, as usual, am annoyed that the biggest punctuation we will see for the death of a remarkable twelve months will be seen by the masses in a drunken state and in a sea of confetti. I suppose I could opt to spend my evening in church with family and friends, but what of that stroke of midnight kiss? Wonder how the congregation at the local 'better'n most' church would react to a real live passionate sloppy wet one in the middle of service? Now that is one scernario I wouldn't mind giving a go just for the shock value. Alas, I won't. My Mamaw taught me too well not to play on God's turf or with His time. So I will move on to the next option.

I have been invited out with friends. Lemme stop here and explain what that means. What that means is just this. I have been invited out to drive a bunch of too old to party drunks and I will just say I passed on that invitation and move on. Slick begged for a break from the norm and a trip up to Lexington with a nice dinner and suite for the weekend. I said 'no, I'm too tired". My sister offers a nice vacation package for both Slick and I. What that entails is complicated but certainly worth some consideration. She proposes that I come spend the night with her and we spend it in 'jammies' with cocoa and brownies. Sounds great to me! She and I eating and laughing like we were kids. I can almost giggle with glee at the prospect of us playing bicycle with each other on the couch at our age. I can be sure there will be conversations to make me laugh, food to make me fat, comfort to make me rest and love to keep me warm. Not a bad deal at all. I am thinking. In this invitation is a clause that says "you and I will stay home alone and we will send the boys to the cabin'. The 'boys' mean my husband and hers and all the miscellanous children from a plethoria of familes (all related) to the cabin. Now this sounds good too. I am liking this more as I type. The fly in this particular ointment is that Slick isn't feeling well. Apparently, as always, he has contracted whatever bug or clap or plague that is currently going round. He is, in a word, dying. Poor fellow can't breath or talk. I guess he wishes he could just sleep through these festivities. Guessing is the key. He knows that isn't about to happen. I will be entertained! He will entertain me! He will enjoy entertaining me! At least that is what I am saying he is going to do. I guess the first or last battle of one or the other years

is about to happen. Let's hope we aren't the start of Armageddon. As I was reading this morning, I thought of something. I have no idea what I learned in the past year. What great strides for the good of humanity or the world or even my family did I make? Well, to be blunt, apparently none! To be honest, I think I have probably been very very selfish this past year. I refused to be a part of alot of family milestones and occassions that I should have been front and center on duty. I didn't do many of the things that I planned to do. Things like home improvements that still set unfinished even though the material and goods are paid for and sitting in locations throughout my house that demand attention. I didn't learn to play the piano. I don't think I was a better wife,daughter, step-mother, aunt, sister, human being on any level. I didn't finish my poems or short stories. I didn't loose any weight or get that long dreaded mammogram. I didn't I didn't ask the questions I have longed to pose for decades. I didn't make amends with those who have hurt or offended me or vise versa. I didn't burn any bridges or build any walls. I didn't make peace with people who I so need to nor did I manage a simple goodbye to those that passed. I didn't do much of anything to benefit anyone including myself apparently. Guess I was tired and needed a break from the 'real world'. I can report that even though I didn't do much of anything that I can honestly report, I did save a bunch of money on my car insurance yesterday! Guess that counts as a mark in the value added column for 2011. I did not make the obligatory New Year's Resolutions last January. I will not be making any today. I don't see the point in setting goals that everyone knows we will never achieve (I before E except after 'c')(did I get that right?LOL) I don't need to set myself up to disappoint myself. What if I were to

make some wildly unlikely promises to myself or others and then not keep them! Lord, the lamementations and scawling that would induce! For example, what if I were to say "I am going to exercise more and eat less this year?" Now that would be just wrong even if I kept that promise! Poor Ole Slick can hardly get around now and he can't afford to skip a meal even in times of plenty. Me promising to do that would sho' as Gawd put an undue hardship on him! It would be wrong and unfair. He would get a break on cooking duty and take out ordering but at what price to his own health and sanity? I would be a bitch if I didn't get my cheerios with exactly 5 tsps of sugar and Coke on time and in proper order every morning! Imagine the wrath he would incur if I were to give up sugar and caffeine. And then there is the exercise! How can I ask an already over worked and under appreciated man to walk me round the neighborhood. I am not going alone. I don't have anyone else to go with, it would have to be him! How can I ask him to exercise when he is hardly able to walk half the time? Lemme see, I guess he could help me with my Kegel exercises without much imput, but what is the benefit for him to do a women's only exercise. Nah, just wouldn't be fair to put him through that! What does that leave? Boxing? No! Running? Hell NO! Cycling? Ahhhhh, NOT! I am guessing you see the logic in this diatribe by now. When I started this little sphell I was planning on saying for all those that care to hear, what I did in 2011. I wound up on a tangent and I hope to bring it home and full circle in my next paragraph. Sorry for the detour. I seriously can't help myself. ADHD is apparently my Achilles Heel. We all, those of us reading this, met goals,

milestones, lost, loved, laughed, cried, mourned, rejoiced and lived the best we could for another year. All of us experience the same time increment in different ways. What might have been a joyous day for me might have been a dreadful and woeful day for some of my readers. Albeit, in the end, as you know me, my perspective is the one that counts to me. Joking of course. I am sure I did some things this past year. I am struggling as I type to think of them. Nothing is coming to me as I type. Sadly, most times when I sit to type away whatever nonesense or heartfelt masterpiece I endeavor to convey the words flow more quickly than I can type, today that is not the case! Maybe I didn't do anything at all! Confounded aggrevation to be at a loss for verbage! Maybe it is the age factor kicking it that prevents me from completing this work. Maybe it is that I am older and more in tune to the times and circumstances that makes me want to tell what I lost more than what I gained in the past year. I lost plenty. I have learned that loss is a part of life in the past year. Apparently, 'loss' is where this is going and I am unable to stop it. Sorry if you are disappointed. I am just lead to say what I lost here. First, I lost a Granny, she isn't dead, but she is gone to me. She is waning away in a sea of fog and confusion in a nursing home that I can't bring myself to go into. She is alone and no doubt scared to death. My visits (least I tell myself) would only further her confusion and sadness. She doesn't know me and she is foreign to me as well in the state she has been reduced to. If the truth be told, this is the greatest loss of my life and is probably why I continue to

return to this topic. She was my world and my compass. I'm working on how to deal with this issue. I lost a nephew. A fine young man who at the peak of his success fell to his death from a parking structure. He was the father of twin boys and at the top of his game in his relationships, fiances and successes. Losing Jon was a reality check for myself and many of my family. Who thinks of a young man dying suddenly and without notice by falling over a railing? If it happened to him, what of the others? Though we mourn his passing daily, we cling more tightly and dearly to those other young ones in our family who until his death, we thought were immortal. I lost a cousin. I lost the only semblance of a big brother I ever had. Out of the blue and without warning, DEAD. Just gone. We shared secrets not fit to put in print or share even in the afterlife. I knew his secrets and he mine. I loved him and I will forever miss and mourn his passing. I lost an aunt. Bless her heart she was a fool if I ever knew one! She was more fun than chewing gum in the teachers chair in elementary school. She was dear to me and I loved her with all my heart. Only months after the funeral of her son (my cousin above) we said goodbye to my auntie. The last time I saw her was the day of his wake. She had suffered like a martyr for ages with a form of geratric cancer. I bathed her and did her hair for the wake. When I got her into the tub to help her clean up. I washed all of her back and face and feet etc. I then gave her the sponge to wash herself. You know "herself". Well, lemme tell you that I got a shock of my life! She took the sponge and asked me as matter of factly as possible, in a tone that never lilted or

changed, "Did you wash my pussy"?! I want you all to know that if one thing in my last year changed, it was the way I think of that word! I find I use it to shock and awe at will. She ruined me! In our last visit, she taught me that after you are old and over the social scene, say what you mean and mean what you say!. I'm mortified to report that I have used that advice liberally of late. I lost a friend. Several of them really. So many of my peers and their children have become addicted to drugs. I have watched no less than 10 young people within 5 miles of me overdose and die this past year. I have sent floral arrangements to too many funerals for people who I never would have dreamed would give in to the drugs and street. I did have some great moments too. I became a grandparent in 2011. That has to rate up there with the best of all things. I was blessed to have been called "Gran Gran' for real this time. "Step Gran" is still legit! She is beautiful and we are so proud we burst with pride when reports come that she spits peas on her big brother and takes her diaper off to mess the couch. LOL True. We all know those are the prettiest turds ever! I also got a grandson this year. By default, he came with the new daughter-in-law I also got. They were a package deal and for me it was a bargain. I am so proud of my son and his little tribe. I got a promise of a son-in-law. I am not sure about this character yet. We never are I imagine. He has some unanswered questions coming. In the end, it won't matter what we think. It will boil down to her wishes. If she is to be married.....bring on the festivities. I won't, nor will Slick, dampen the celebration with any measure of reason or common sense. Bless her heart and pick up the pieces if and when they fall.

Of course, I have never been without my kids. The ones that my sister shares with me. There has been wins and loses in that column as usual. Some had windfalls and some just fell. Either way, we are, and as always, there to try to fix their broken toys and hearts. If I had to give these little band of demons a grade for 2011 I would give them an "A". The oldest put her home and family in order. The second, found herself and her strength. She is still stumbling, but she keeps getting up. The third bought his first house at 23. Not too bad for a boy from a holler in East Ky. The fourth and my baby. Born at 24 weeks and given a sad prognosis is now 17 and plays football (very well) and is a normal aggrevating asshole. I am so in love with him it is a shame. Now that one had PRETTY TURDS! Finally, the baby boy is twelve and a lady's man. Lord help us Jesus if he ain't about to give us offsprings if we can't contain him. He is smart and joyful all the time. I would be too if I was 12 and had 100 girls calling me! Then there are the grandONES. Oh, the joy of em! Maddie is 9 and wearing a training bra! Her mom reports to me that she also is getting "decorations". I was pizzed as can be to hear that. I know I am made privy to every single minute and event in these kids lives.......but I didn't want to know that in so many ways! LOL. My nephew and neighbor buddy has adjusted to his new role as son/son. Bunch of crap is you ask me. He shouldn't have to adjust for the sake of a pedophile dad who coudn't keep his pants up around a 16 year old. But he had to and he has. He has truimphed and conquered at 7! And we say kids are selfish! This little boy didn't get a say in how his family disentergrated into a puddle of shit! Then there is also 'Spider Monkey". he is five now and apparently a genuis. he looks so cute in his new glasses and all his school things. He is loving school and is exceeding the expectations of anyone who knows him. We thought all his

brain and energy were used up being mean......turns out he is smarter than most of the kids in his class. He won several contests this year and was on the radio for a speical read of his essay! I don't have much to report of the youngest of these. He is far away and in a different county. I see pics of him on Facebook and I hear he is walking and talking like a big boy. So I have some news anyway! After reading all the sloppy grandma stuff I am not sure anyone is still reading but I am getting to the part about myself and my life. The bottom line is Slick is my life. It is he and I always. Day after day, hour after hour, etc. It was a good year for us. He had no major accidents. In fact, I don't think there was a single hospitalization or scare this year. He is a lung cancer survivor for 7 years now! Praise GOD! Seriously! He has been well and I have too. We were able to help the kids when necessary and had plenty of food, love and joy this year. Fortunately (unforturnately) we learned through our experience with cancer that the most important thing in the world is each other and after that family. Of course, we put God first, but after HIM, it is us! We made changes years ago that have allowed us time and experiences that wouldn't have been possible if we had not made choices to get off the 'merry go round' and live within our means and enjoy our time together. I guess I learned this past year that was a great idea and took advantage of the time to retreat to 'us'. Tomorrow, New Years Day, I will be expected at the family table for the annual joke of a dinner. Cooked cabbage, ham, peas and a penny under the plate. What nonesense! I won't go. I haven't been in years. Even as I type, my phone is ringing off the cradle from the parents. I won't answer and will feign illness when I do take a call. I just don't want to do it. It's my life, I wanna stay in and play monopoly with Slick

and eat pizza. I will do that. Shame on me for being so selfish! I know, but I can't help myself. 2012 is coming and I will not make resolutions or promises. I am sure that if I were made to I would simply promise to be Gwen. I would even without prompt do what I will, when I will, and how I will at my own biding and in my own time. I might work on that in 2012. I might need to try to be a little more considerate and rational when others make advances to engage me. I might try to not be so stingy with my time. I might forgive more and resent less. I might take steps that are long overdue. Hell, I might finish my writings for the kids! Who knows? It's a whole new beginning. A fresh slate and a clean sheet of paper! I might do many things in 2012. What I am sure I will do is Love my Saviour with all my heart and soul, love my husband, family and kids, count my many blessings and forever be grateful for a life in the country I was born in. God Bless us every one in 2012. My mother-in-law would say "mights" just fly once a year". We'll see Allie, we'll see! Happy New Year _____________________________________________________________ _ I was very unhappy when I clicked the icon to save this mess. I couldn't grasp that I hadn't done anything for a year. Finally, I ran me a nice tub of warm water and climbed in for a little time for myself to think. The water washed over me like silk through the loom and I was reminded how lucky I really am. Half the people in the world have bad or no water. I have fresh spring water from the earth untouched by human hands for eons. I have plenty to waste and I do. I run huge bathes in a garden tub and

keep the hot water going the whole time. That in itself is a gift. After a few minutes in the candlelight and warm suds I found myself praying. Praying for His help in understanding myself and my others. Praying for answers that I didn't have and had never asked. What I found myself in was more than a bathtub. I found myself in a conversation with myself and my 'higher power'. I lamented the waste of my time and how I had let down those that look to me for aid and guidance. I felt genuine remorse for the things I should have, could have and didn't do. I was sincerely apologetic to God and my 'others' for being so selfish. To my suprise the more the heat of the water relaxed my achy old bones and drenched my body with comfort, I had a revelation of sorts. Seems I did do something last year. I did! I was ecastic and eager to get back to my laptop to share. Here it is. I know it isn't the most popular thing in the times we live in to rely on faith. Fortuanetely for me, I don't give a crap about what is 'in' or politically correct. I am what I am. Period. Take me or leave me. So what I am about to say is about my faith and my walk with fate. I was reminded how many hours I spent pouring over the bible, the internet, and tv preachers looking for answers I had never bothered to ask before. All my life I have been history buff and a sci-fi kinda gal. I love those fables of Greek gods and heros. I love the Old Testament. I love ancient scriptures and stories of old old times. I just love ancient history. What I never was avid about was the New Testament. I have read the Bible a dozen times. I have read the Old Testament hundreds of times. See the difference? I guess it was my thinking that there was nothing new to

learn in the New Covenant that wasn't already in my brain from church and tv etc. I thought I knew who Jesus was and what he was all about. I was so wrong. I happened to find a preacher one morning early last year when I was in the throes of one of my insominac spells that taught prophecy. I was amazed! I found myself staying up later and later at night to see him as he came on 3 times in a row and I watched at least twice to be sure I understood. I woke Slick for the third every morning. This went on for months. I was drawn like a moth to flame to this Word. I had never understood the significance of the Savior and the direct link to the Old Testament. In a word, I was ignorant. All that changed in 2011. I am so grateful that it did. I understand much much more of my faith and my destiny now. Didn't intend to embark on a search for truths in early 2011, but I did. I am by no means a bible beater holy roller. There would be no apology coming if I were. I think it is AWESOME for those that are willing to put themselves out there for the amusement and ridicule of heathens like me. God Bless 'em! Seriously. But I did find I was more and more in tune with what I was hearing. I have been saved since 1992. Believing I was clear and good to go! Saved? check! Confessed? check! Baptised? Check! I thought it was a big "GO" for me. Boy was I wrong. There is so much more to being a child of God than going to church on time. I learned it is my DUTY to be able to answer questions that a soul searching for answers might ask. I learned it was my duty to forgive (still working on this) and forget and it is MY DUTY to love even when hating is easier. I won't go into all that I learned but I did want to come back and share that with all the stuff I wrote earlier, I forgot to tell my cherished confidiantes my journey in 2011. I found my roots. I found that I am a child of God, probably a

descendant of the one of the twelve tribes and that God is now, then and evermore. What a blessing. I wish this journey for you all. I vow to continue this journey despite my earlier rants to the contrary. Take it with me. We need new topics on our boards sometimes. Let's talk about man and it's origins. I don't know much at all. I just think that if we sleuth the Word and it's meanings sometimes when it is appropriate and welcome we can find things that none of us ever knew. I am an arrogant witch for the most part but I am sure of myself most times when I say things. I am sure of this. I don't think I am in a 'club' that harbors hatred to Christians or any other relegion for that matter and I hope you will recieve this word from me in the love and friendship I give it in. Thanks for reading again! P.S. I didn't even use Calgon!!!!!!!!!!