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Treasures

LOOK WHOS COMING TO DINNER


LETTERS TO THE READER/TALKBACK NEWS DONT CARRY A KNIFE IN COLUMBIA BROWNBACK WOOS BASE, LOVES HIM SOME STROM TROOPS: BRING US HOME ALREADY HOW CRACKHEADS GET DRUG MONEY DAVID AXE IN LEBANON THE GOOD FIGHT THE LAST LYNCHING STATE HOUSE REPORT S.C. AT TECHNOLOGY CROSSROADS MR. MEANERS CRIME WATCH THE PIGGLY WIGGLER STRIKES AGAIN

Contents
FEBRUARY 14, 2007 VOLUME 2 ISSUE 14

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sean Rayford 803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com NEWS EDITOR Corey Hutchins 803.261.6874 - corey@columbiacitypaper.com GENERAL SALES MANAGER Thomas Saver 803.665.5144 - tsaver@columbiacitypaper.com IRAQ CORRESPONDENT David Axe david@columbiacitypaper.com MANAGING EDITOR Todd Morehead 803.740.9090 - todd@columbiacitypaper.com PUBLISHER Paul F. Blake 803.446.3458 - paul@columbiacitypaper.com THE ANGRY WHALE Sean Rayford 803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com

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News.Politics.Commentary Arts.Entertainment.Etc
RADIO FREE A BRIEF HIS STORY OF THE UNTIED STATES THE HANDWRITING DOCTOR DUDE FLIRTS WITH THE DOCTOR ARTS ABSTRACT IN NATURE AT GALLERY 80808 NICK O TALKS ART WITH CITY PAPER TED RALL AN $8 BILLION CON JOB DERIC SPOILS THE MOVIE SMOKIN ACES & MOVIE TIMES THE ANGRY WHALE AGAINST ME! SOUNDBOARD INDIE ROCK/PUNK/SKA/METAL/HARDCORE/SXE MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT NOTES SXSW ANNOUNCES LINEUP FOR 07 COOKIN WITH ASS HOROSCOPES BY GOV. SANFORD JONESIN CROSSWORDS SAVAGE LOVE SICK, JUST SICK NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORDS PSYCHO SU | DO | KO & FREE CLASSIFIEDS
Comics: Boondocks (pgs8, 10) Red Meat (pg 12) Perry Bible (pg 7 )

THE NATIONAL SOCIALIST MOVEMENT NOMINEE FOR PRESIDENT IS FROM LAURENS COUNTY

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ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Julia Jennings - julia@columbiacitypaper.com DISTRIBUTION Paul Blake,Domingo Rodgrigez, John Starino
CONTRIBUTORS

10 11 12 13 14 17 19 20 21 23 24 25 26

Andy Brack, Peterson Dias, Carl Eisenstadt, Will Moredock, Harry S. Iarch, Deric Kempsell, Ted Rall, Dan Savage, Judit Trunkos, Lorenzo Gonzalez, Chris Lynch, Adderall
Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia City Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 each. Views expressed do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC

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Quote of the issue:


You ever been to a Klan meeting? PAGE 3

COLUMBIA CITY PAPER 701 Gervais Street, Suite 150-218 Columbia, SC 29201 803.446.3458

FEBRUARY 14, 2007

Letters to the
Dear elderly sponge bath, Quit squirming. I've got to lather between that fold. No the other one. OK, now can you hold that section up so I can spray under there? Good, nowwoah, hold still! You're sliding off the rubber mat! Remember what happened when you got your biggtoe stuck in the faucet? Just quit splashing around while I attach the high-pressure nozzle; I don't think whatever that is has been scrubbed since the bicentennial. Columbia City Paper Dear "Stay the Course," Don't cut and run! Fight them there so we don't have to fight them here, right? Here's a little reminder: the majority of the 9/11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia, Bin Laden is in Pakistan and IRAQ HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. So, now what? Who the hell knows? But, hopefully when our new president gets a memo entitled, "Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States," he or she will read it. Columbia City Paper Dear sick co-worker, Please go home, take some aspirin and veg out to soaps for a couple of days. We don't think you're a martyr for shouldering through the Asiatic Flu at the office. Huddled and shivering in the break room, hacking and inhaling the steam from the community coffee pot to clear your sinuses; it's indefensible. And hey, I just heard you sneezed on the doughnuts this morning before I ate three of them. Thanks. Columbia City Paper Dear spouse of 15 years Valentine, Is this a $3 teddy bear in a Vermont Teddy Bear box? If you'd have passed on those golf clubs last month, maybe you could've afforded a real gift. Cheryl at work got a gold bracelet! But me? Nooo. Oh great, and every chocolate has coconut. You know I'm allergic! This is just another reminder of how you don't listen. Just once, I'd like this to be about me! It's

Reader
our one romantic day out of the year and you're in a sweatshirt, asking me to the Monster Truck Jam! God, that is so like you! Columbia City Paper Dear beauty pageant contestant, If you eat that apple, you'll gain .1 grams of fat. And do you know what fat does? It collects and festers in your tissue and grows hair. It's nauseating, really. Well, maybe you'll get lucky and still find a man. Then again you could wallow through life alone and hidden away from polite society in a dingy apartment, steadily growing bigger and bigger and bigger until Montel and his camera crew have to take down one of the walls to haul you out into sunlight to film you for one of their freakshow episodes. So, uh, if you don't want that apple anymore, may I have it? Columbia City Paper Dear seafood extinction debate, Some scientists warn that many of the species of fish we eat will be fished to extinction in the next 50 years or so. Cod have all but disappeared already. So that begs the question: should humanity avoid tuna steaks and shrimp gumbo for a little while to help boost the ocean's population? Or should we eat the hell out of it while we still can? I mean, are you craving sushi all of a sudden? Yeah, me too. Damn... Columbia City Paper Dear rowdy alternative newsweekly editors, You clowns aren't exempt from the occasional letter. Time to turn that "withering journalistic heat lamp" back on yourselves. You think you're some type of social barometer simply because you point out people's shortcomings? Think putting neo-Nazis and toys having sex on the cover is shocking, huh? You guys suck. Get a copy editor. Better yet, find a date! Oh, wait, that's right: you're not allowed in half the bars in town anymore. Besides, you guys couldn't get laid in a morgue, anyway. Ha! And you just stole that last line from Bill Paxton. Pathetic. Columbia City Paper

Dear City Paper, I have been smoking "pot" for 40-plus years for medicinal purposes due to seizures I have. It was recommended by a doctor then and it still helps when I can get it. It supplements medication that I'm currently on due to being unable to find or afford "pot". I have grown it for approx 30 years strictly for medicinal purposes and have had to quit at times when it got "hot". Police don't care that its for medicinal purposes and you go to jail longer than if you had murdered someone. What this law would do and I have been through the same agonizing experience of watching my wife die after 10 years of being terminally ill and that it helped her cope with the pain of dying. Its about time someone in South Carolina has the guts to do something right for the people in this state. It will probably not get passed cause there is still the arrogant mentality in state government that started the civil war here 140+ years ago. The blinders are on even tighter to the welfare of its poor and lower class citizens as if they can close their eyes and we disappear. Rick S. Columbia, S.C.

Talk Back!
Correction
PHOTOGRAPHER: CHRIS LYNCH WHY OUR TROOPS WANT TO COME HOME

In a Feb. 3 column titled Dirty Dancing, City Paper referred to local advertising executive Kevin Fisher as a former president of Columbia Classical Ballet. After further investigation with city officials and the secretary of states office, evidence indicates that Fisher never served as ballet president despite what many in the ballet community adamantly believe. While this detail shouldnt detract from the overall point of the article, we apologize for the oversight.

CONTRIBUTORS

City Paper invites timely letters about subjects in our publication. Correspondence must include a daytime telephone number. Letters may be edited for length, taste, and clarity. By mail: Letters to the Editor, Columbia City Paper, 701 Gervais St. Suite 150-218, Columbia, S.C. 29201; by e-mail:talkback@columbiacitypaper.com.

Chris Lynch is originally from Montgomery, Texas and is currently stationed in Gunsan, South Korea with the U.S. Air Force. City Paper originally met Lynch at a hipster show at the New Brookland Tavern. He and his wife will eventually be relocating to Okinawa and he intends to stay in Japan for an extended period. Lynch plans to make a career out of the Air Force. Afterwards I don't know what I'll do- maybe teach photography or something chill like that. FEBRUARY 14, 2007

Only one in three U.S. service members approve of the presidents handling of the war in Iraq.
A poll released last week by the Military Times Media Group (which includes the Army Times, Navy Times, Air Force Times and Marine Corps Times) shows that only one in three U.S. service members approve of the presidents handling of the war in Iraq. The annual mail survey conducted between Nov. 13 and Dec. 22 also revealed that the number of soldiers who feel success is likely in Iraq has dropped from 83 percent in 2004 to around 50 percent today. Only 41 percent now feel it was the right idea to go to war in Iraq in the first place and 13 percent say there should be no U.S. troops in Iraq at all. Nearly three quarters of those who responded believe the military is stretched too thin to be effective. According to the poll, two in three of the respondents have been deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan at least once and only about one in 10 described their political views as liberal. The poll has come to be viewed by some as a barometer of the professional career military, the Military Times wrote on Friday. It is the only independent poll done on an annual basis. The margin of error on this years poll is plus or minus three percentage points.
-TODD MOREHEAD

WHY OUR TROOPS WANT TO COME HOME

Members of the U.S. armed forces at Shaw Air Force Base play cards while participating in an exercise involving mission oriented protective PHOTO BY CHRIS LYNCH posture chemical gear on Sept. 13, 2006. During these exercises soldiers often kill time by playing cards and surfing the Internet. A recent poll revealed that the number of soldiers who feel success is likely in Iraq has dropped from 83 percent in 2004 to around 50 percent today.

pounds pulpit in Columbia


Im down with the brown. Thats what one S.C. Republican operative campaigning for the Kansas senator, said in the buffet line prior to GOP presidential hopeful Sam Brownbacks luncheon speech Friday, Feb. 2 at the fairgrounds in Columbia. The banquet room was packed with folks awaiting the senators announcement, which when it finally came sounded more like a sermon than the average campaign speech. For their part, members in attendance peppered Brownbacks more religious quips with the obligatory amen. Knowing full well he was in the midst of a Republican stronghold and not an event at the Politically Correct Police Academy, Brownback opened his speech with anecdotes of the late Sen. Strom Thurmond, calling him a good man. (Brownback spoke about Thurmond for three minutes before identifying himself and declaring his candidacy.) From then on, the Midwest farm boy talked of how we cant let God be run out of the public and how the United States needs to end cancer in the next 10 years. Reverting back to his days on the farm, Brownback pulled a piece of cloth from his pocket proclaiming that half of it was made with cotton and the other half corn. He used his prop to push for the use of ethanol and covered his grass to gas idea. Im not talking about marijuana, he joked.

BROWNBACK SPEAKS,
While the senator insisted he did not have plants in the audience, those who asked questions following the speech lobbed them like helium-filled balloons, which Brownback swung at as if with a road sign. Abortion: I will help to end abortion in America. Amen, said members of the crowd. Amen. War: Were in a poorly named war (war on terror) with a militant, fascist Islam and we have to win. He also does not think the troop surge is the right way to go. Illegal immigration: I supported the fence, he said, and he wants Social Security to work together with the INS. Amen, they said. Amen. Healthcare: Hes for price transparency, for medical information being private and expansion of health savings accounts. The last question, which Brownback said he feared would be a high-inside fastball, came out more like a knuckleball, both unexpected and tricky. How will the senator deal with the issue of gang activity in America? Brownback stared down the knuckleball and scanned the dugout for his favorite bat, the old standby, one with grips worn down to a shine like sun on a wheat field. The senator smiled and swung away. Have to involve faith, he said. Amen, they said. Amen. -COREY HUTCHINS

Carrying knives in Columbia is illegal


Carrying a knife in Columbia is against the law. Unless youre using it specifically for work the police may arrest you simply for carrying one. Big knife, small knife, lock-blade, sheathed, it makes no difference. The way the law is written, carrying a knife can earn someone an unlawful weapons charge or a charge for carrying a concealed weapon. Often it ends up as a secondary charge following drunkenness or disorderly conduct. If a police officer sees a knife on someones belt or clipped to their pocket it may warrant probable cause for a full search. But many people carry knives in public and dont always end up in the slammer. We dont arrest everyone for itits just one of those things, Officer Walton of the Columbia Police Dept., said. But it is illegal. Walton said if he saw a person in line at the bank or the grocery store with a knife visible on them he could arrest that person on the spot. Of course that doesnt happen. A lot of times its the homeless and they use knives to cut other homeless people so were a little tougher on that, he said. Columbia Police spokeswoman Lauren Leech said she would not comment on the specific law and how officers respond to it, twice referring questions to her supervisor who failed to respond. Current incident reports at the Columbia Police Department show multiple incidents involving the unlawful carrying of a weapon and unlawful concealed weapon with reference to the subject carrying a knife. The additional charge can carry over $100 in fines and possible jail time. -COREY HUTCHINS

CRACKHEADS ARE SELLING EBT CARDS FOR DRUG MONEY


Some of South Carolina's more cunning crackheads have realized they can sell their Electronic Benefits Card (the state's method for issuing food stamps) in order to pay for drugs, according to City Paper street sources. One source, asking to remain anonymous, said he once paid $125 for an EBT card that was worth $250 in groceries. After paying for it he went to the grocery store and loaded up. You need a personal PIN number, he said. So I made him come with me to make sure it worked. An S.C. EBT card is a green plastic card with a logo on it that reads Quest and is used similar to a how a credit or debit card is used at the checkout line in a grocery store. A four-digit personal identification number (PIN) is necessary to ensure the card user is the intended recipient of benefits. Other people can shop for you, but if you give anyone your EBT card and your PIN, you are still the one responsible for your food stamp benefits, reads a notification on the S.C. Department of Social Services Web site about the benefits card. Caseworkers for the S.C. Department of Social Services add value to the EBT cards after a food stamp case is approved for qualifying cardholders. The City Paper source said it was a known method for drug users who qualify for food stamps to turn their grocery money into fast cash even though they often have to sell them at lower cash values than the amount that appears on their card. In July 2000 the inspector general of the U.S. Department of Agriculture spoke before the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on the Budget about completed investigations in New York City where $63 million in food stamp funds were obtained fraudulently. Money used in the food stamp trafficking was derived from drug trafficking, he said. Investigations have been completed in Illinois, Mississippi, Florida and Puerto Rico. In South Carolina, for both parties involved its easy and works out, our source said. And what does he think the man did with the $125 in cash after giving up all his grocery money that day? I don't know, he said. Bought crack? -COREY HUTCHINS
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

FEBRUARY 14, 2007

SOUTH CAROLINAS CANDIDATE


STORY BY COREY HUTCHINS PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEAN RAYFORD
Near the middle of the town square and only a few blocks from City Hall, a massive Confederate flag lashes back and forth in front of the world famous Redneck Shop in Laurens, a quiet town in the Upstate. Step inside the store and you're in another world-- or perhaps only another century. From the outside you might not see it, but beating like a dark, black heart in the center of this quaint and beautiful South Carolina town is a small political machine working out of a store that sells, among other things, Ku Klux Klan robes and genocidal video games with the sole purpose of gunning down the brown. A once-controversial lightening rod with its fair share of past headlines (it has been open for 11 years), the Redneck Shop is currently functioning as the campaign headquarters for presidential candidate John Taylor Bowles, who is the presidential nominee of the National Socialist Movement-- or as it's perhaps more widely known-the American Nazi Party. At the end of a straight, dusty road just a few miles off I-26, the Laurens town center is sandwiched between one set of railroad tracks and another with a sprinkling of small car dealerships dotted around the bigger roads that surround it. Inside the square it's as if time stopped somewhere between 1950 and 1960. The only visual linkages to the current year are the cars parked outside the half-dozen or so barber shops and Laundromats lined up and down both sides of Main Street. A mural-sized Coca-cola ad is still splashed along the sides of one brick building offering fivecent bottles and a memorial to the Boys in gray Top: Viking youth director Nick Chappell, presidential candidate John stands tall outside the county courthouse. Inside Taylor Bowles, and Kevin Swift outside their campaign headquarters in the Capitol Caf restaurant around the corner from Laurens, S.C. Above: Bowles explains his partys stance on issues regard- City Hall the front of the menu reads Lost in the ing to the 2008 presidential election.

A Laurens County man is the National Socialist Movements nominee for U.S. president in 08
judging by a CNN article just this month and a recent analysis by MSNBC, both the KKK and the NSM are coming back in style after the lull and disenfranchisement they suffered in the '90s. Why then this sudden propulsion in the zeitgeist for extremist white supremacy groups? How about this for an answer: Illegal immigration. More so, Bowles says, it's the refusal for either the Republicans or the Democrats to adequately deal with the problem. (Republicans don't want to address illegal immigration because they want the cheap labor and Democrats don't want to do anything about it because they want the vote, he says.) Speaking by phone, Bowles said he would meet with City Paper to talk about his campaign and his reasons for running. He said we could come to his headquarters and he and his staff would answer any questions we had about the American Nazi Party or the nuts and bolts of an NSM campaign, the kind of cult political movement that while it blows through the United States every four years or so tends to do so under the radar of the national press. There's a big Confederate flag out front, he said. You can't miss it. He couldn't be more right. Inside the Redneck Shop is an approximate 800-square-foot politically incorrect, claustrophobic anti-funhouse and horror shop for non-whites, northerners and Jews. Piles of furled Nazi flags spill out of boxes on the floor, Confederate flag beads hang from revolving racks and the walls are covered with bumper stickers that would make Michael Richards' tirade seem more like a childrens song. Heaps of metal KKK belt buckles, iron crosses and lapel pins shine from inside plastic display cases stickered with racist epithets. Here a cartoon Calvin pisses on the word Yankee. There a fabric White Pride World Wide patch appears near a T-shirt
FEBRUARY 14, 2007

50s and the jukebox is literally jammed up and stuck on a selection titled Great ladies of rock from the '60s. On the tabletop the sugar caddies are filled with Dixie Crystals. Inside the caf, four members of the Laurens County Fire Department sit for an hour and chat together while life in their quiet town goes by on its quiet way on an unseasonably warm February afternoon. They have no idea that a man is running his campaign for president only four blocks away. President of what? one of them asks, surprised that someone from their small town has made a bid for the big office. The United States-and he's running as a member of the National Socialist Movement. The what? The American Nazi Party. I think it's a joke, one of them says. But it is no joke. In December 2006, John Taylor Bowles announced his candidacy for president on the NSM ticket with William Hoff as his running mate. The following day Hoff was killed in an auto accident, but Bowles plans to move forward with the campaign anyway. He has been declared--surprise-- a long shot, but he thinks that's a good thing; it's better than not being counted at all. Having just returned from a weeklong barnstorming of the upper Midwest, Bowles is now back in the state where he lives and is registered to vote, the state of South Carolina. When City Paper first heard of Bowles' presidential bid, like the fireman in the Capitol Caf, we too thought it was a joke. Worse yet, we thought it was a sick one. Was the guy for real? When was the last time the National Socialist Movement even made headlines? Weren't they, like the Klan, long washed away by the tides of progression, intellectualism and cultural tolerance? Apparently not. And

reading Race mixing is death. A Skrewdriver Live in Germany DVD leads off the music selection in a trophy case where piled on top are scattered stacks of leaflets titled The original story of the Ku Klux Klan. That's me when I was eighteen years old says storeowner John Howard, pointing to a picture in a cracked frame on the far wall. It is a portrait of a young man dressed in a green Klan robe and purple cape. Howard, 61, is a 40-year member of the Klan and says he hasn't killed nobody yet. The man in the portrait is a lot younger and a lot thinner than Howard is now as he sits behind the desk of his shop with the heat blaring, watching the History Channel and a closed-circuit video security monitor. You ever been to a Klan meeting? he asks. Howard is comfortable with the topic, almost lofty. Inside the shop, John Taylor Bowles is nowhere to be found. In his place is 18-year-old Nick Chappell, the campaign's Viking youth corps director and Kevin Swift, 24, who acts as Bowles' head of security. Both are dressed in full-on Nazi gear head to toe from the laced-up jackboots to the swastika armbands. He'll be down shortly, Chappell says, standing tall with his hands folded in front of him. Swift watches our every move, his blue eyes strafing back and forth under a pair of blonde eyebrows and a shiny bald head. Twenty minutes later and still no sign of the candidate, Chappell and Swift make small talk about the campaign and their recent political plow through North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota and Nebraska. In Huron, S.D., Chappell says, they picketed the Plainsman newspaper after they were thrown out of the newsroom. From behind the desk Howard speaks into a telephone. They're here, he says. Young guys, too. When Bowles enters the store he does so from a staircase that is hidden from view. A big man with large thick glasses and dressed in the same uniform as his associates, Bowles is all smiles. His round, cherubic face is smooth and almost sans neck as it sits atop a tan shirt with a stitched NSM logo and esoteric designs on the collar and a straight black tie that hangs to his belt. On his left wrist is a gold watch with a Confederate flag on the face. We'll get you set up back here, he says, leading us to a sort of backroom area of the shop where folding chairs and a table are set up for clandestine meetings. The back room of the Redneck Shop is how you might expect it, disorganized and cluttered, an arms span worth of hooded silk Klan robes hanging from a rack like the wardrobe closet of Casper the unfriendly ghost. And across the table sits the 48-year-old man running for president of these United States with his arms folded and the fluorescent light casting no shadows on the very prominent symbol of, well, let's hear it straight from him: This, he says, patting his armband, and make sure the people understand this-- this is coming back into style again. He's talking about the swastika, what he calls the ancient symbol of the white race. There are lots of different symbols the party could use, he says, but it's those four offset right angles that seem to do the best trick. Not that trickery is something Bowles is about because if that were the case he'd be dressed in a white shirt and tie like a high school principal. He'd also be ashamed to wear a symbol of an elephant or a jackass, he says, and suggests that nowadays people in America are accepting the swastika. When Bowles speaks his accent is nondescript and hard to identify. It's not Southern and almost seems like Midwest vs. Mid-Atlantic. Born in Maryland and having just campaigned through the Great Plains it's not impossible that his inflection and cadence have been buffed for the most universal appeal. When I get out on the street in this uniform and shake hands and I've got people blowing their horns and giving thumbs up and salutes and taking my leaflets and handing me money and I've got to cram it in my pockets and everything that's being accepted, he says. But has that really happened? Yes, he says. It happens all the time. So a man with a swastika is running for president. For sure it's not the first time. But why now? And does he really think he'll have a chance? Already Bowles is set up with a political action committee and receiving donations, he says. He expects to be on the ballot in at least 20 states and the way things are going he thinks it might be possible to hit a number as high as 40. In South Carolina alone he will need 10,000 signatures to get his name on the list, something he says will be no problem. This is a pretty favorable area, he says. There's a lot of support down here.

THE ONLY CHILD When Bowles was 17 years old and living in Baltimore he went to the public library one day and took out a book on all the political organizations in America. Back then he says it was harder to join up with people than it is now with the Internet and Web sites facilitating the hook up with organizations like the NSM. It was from that book that he obtained the address of the national chapter, mailed them, signed up, and has been a member ever since. Shortly after officially joining the NSM Bowles helped a man named Wolfgang Schrodt vie for a seat on city council in 1975. He ran on the NSM ticket with the young Bowles acting as his treasurer. Schrodt won the primary and according to Bowles went on to enter the general election and received 17 percent of the vote. It was the start of a political career. Growing up, Bowles' parents were only somewhat supportive of his affiliation with the NSM and when he talks about it now he seems almost dismissive. His father worked at a shipyard, his mother a longtime employee of Western Electric. Though they were both middleclass Democrats, Bowles said his mother and father voted for George Wallace. He was an only child who wished he had a brother to wrestle and fight with. Throughout his 20s, Bowles worked and attended rallies presumably of the National Socialist Movement kind. He politicked some more and said the lifestyle could be like a roller coaster. In the '70s, for instance, they could put a couple hundred uniformed people in the streets no problem but by the Reagan '80s life in the NSM bloodstream mellowed out, congealed and went flat line. For four years Bowles spent time in prison (Maryland, 19851989) on what he called a railroad job, the product of his political activism. Bowles also joined the U.S. Air Force and then became a federal officer with the U.S. Department of Agriculture where he worked in food law enforce-

ment. (He has since retired to run for president.) In the '90s-- contradicting current media analysis-Bowles says things picked up and right now because of the war in Iraq and illegal immigration, the cult movement, he says, is gearing up and ready to go. Currently acting as the national elections director of the NSM as well as the party's nominee for president, Bowles says he's excited and things are going very good. And what of the-- come on-- actual possibility of winning the presidential election? Bowles smiles. Nothing's impossible, he says. Americans love an underdog. IMPOSSIBLE POPULISM Not impossible? Dude, you're dressed up in a Nazi uniform. You think all non-whites should be sent back to their respective homelands. You want to remove all non-white people from the military for Pete's sake. You called the events of Sept. 11, 2001 a punch in the nose on America's financial institution and don't think anything like it will ever happen again. How do you expect to gain majority support of the voting public when many of them are minorities to begin with? The short answer? Populism. We'll get to the non-white thing later, but now Bowles wants to talk centrism, populist ideals and an appeal to middleclass whites. We [the NSM] represent a little bit of everything, he says. In fact we're absorbing everybody. So, is the American Nazi Party, one that's arguably been one of the most extreme longstanding political organizations in American history, actually trying to go the populist route, perhaps even believing the average American, even the nonwhite American, is going to agree with their ideology? Taking a look at their current platform, possibly so. According to their 2008 presidential candidate, the NSM is taking the environmental issues of the Green Party, the

core liberty and constitution beliefs of the Constitution Party, specific conservative values of the right, and liberal or socialist views of the far left. Bowles (who says even though he is the presidential candidate of the party still must answer to the NSM commander) is for individual states' choice on abortion and believes in free healthcare. He's against gay marriage and against the war in Iraq and wants to bring all (caution: trip-up coming) the white troops home. He is against the decriminalization of drugs and wants a five percent flat tax. He wants to reduce the retirement age to 55 and use military force to get rid of all illegal immigrants in the country. Right now if Bowles were asked to choose a current presidential contender to vote for other than himself he says the answer might surprise you. He'd choose Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich. We're very populist, Bowles says. And that's what we want to be. We represent all those different viewpoints. For a moment, in the back room of the small shop where, according to the storeowner 90 percent of the merchandise comes from China (because no one will manufacture it here), it almost seems like a moderate Democrat or center-leaning Republican is speaking to any town hall constituency in any Rust Belt city only he's dressed up in a Nazi suit. But it's as one patron leaves the store and waves goodbye to the owner who gives him a seemingly well-rehearsed Don't let the n-----s get 'ya that it's time to crack the knuckles and get down to this thing. The swazi, the jackboots, the Confederate flag, OK. The rows and rows of Klan robes and stickers with white-sheeted figures next the words The real boys in the hood. The earlier admission that though Bowles himself is not a member of the Klan, the NSM and the KKK do share a coalition. There's an extreme view here somewhere, obviously, and while it shows plain as day with the clothes he wears and the company he keeps, extracting it from Bowles comes with caution. Not once does he himself use the N word during the interview. Only once did he even say the word Jew. What does Bowles think about non-whites, exactly, in a political sense? And as a presidential candidate, if elected, what will the man whose slogan is The white people's candidate do with those who don't apply? Bowles does not pause and he does not roll his eyes. He takes the question as if it is, as it should be, expected. Well I'm going to move large segments of the nonwhite population back to their respective homelands, he says. Because I have a right to do that by law and I'll probably declare it a national emergency. (He says it's the Patriot Act that gives him this right.) Now, that's not very populist is it? And just as the political centerline seems to buckle and begin skewing ever so far out towards Crazytown, Bowles tries to rein it back in. But only if this is what people want, he says. I represent what people want. Whatever they want is what I will do. And if I don't get elected then that tells me that they don't want me and my idea. As for his personal views on segregation, he is for it. We have two ways to go, he says. We either keep an interracial society or we will separate. I prefer separation. I think it's best for each to go with their own kind and their own area. When we talk about removing the nonwhites from this country to their racial homelands we're not just going to dump them over there. We're going to make sure they have the housing and jobs and everything. We would like to see our blacks in this country take their education and their skills and go back to Africa and apply it there and maybe even one day Africa may be a superpower. And while the U.S. military is currently suffering stress in both recruitment and manpower, Bowles says he would remove all non-whites from it because he's afraid of an apocalyptic outcome. They pose a big threat, he says of non-whites in the armed forces. They're learning things that eventually they're going to use in a revolutionary setting. The National Socialist Movement represents a different kind of ideology, too, he says. We look at race as a valid way of looking at things in life. And a lot of problems in this country have a racial factor behind themthe other political groups won't look at the issue of race. Bowles even says the Constitution Party is ideologically similar to the NSM except they don't draw such a hard line on the race issue. It is because of these racist views, the blatant display of nostalgia for 1930s fashion and, of course, the namesake of the NSM and American Nazi Party, that Bowles has hired Swift as his head of security. Swift, a big boy with a shaved head, a patch of facial hair on his

continued on page 8

FEBRUARY 14, 2007

U.S. aid agencies struggle to rebuild countries ravaged by U.S.-backed wars

REBUILDING WHAT WEVE WRECKED

Against the Beruit skyline, PlayMobil toys work to repair the damages suffered in Lebanon during the Israeli assualt in the summer of 2006. Residents have been trying to rebuild the area ever since.
STORY BY DAVID AXE

PHOTO BY SEAN RAYFORD

Beirut, Lebanon -- Right up to the very end, the farm community near the town of Massoudiyye in northern Lebanon was untouched by this summers U.S.approved Israeli invasion. Its Lebanese farmers and their migrant Syrian workers, ironically, had even briefly benefited as demand for their produce had risen as supply in the south had waned under Israeli air attacks. Then, two days before the Aug. 14 ceasefire, an Israeli jet aimed a bomb at one of the communitys small road bridges and missed. Residents came outside to see what had happened. Thats when the Israeli jet dropped a second bomb, killing 11 people. The way Nell Abou Ghazale Hasbini describes it, the attack was completely unnecessary and motivated only by Israels desire to kill Lebanese civilians fleeing the fighting by way of northern roads. In the wake of the summer war, there is a deep animosity in Lebanon towards Israel and towards Israels close ally the United States, despite a long history of U.S. economic aid to this tiny country on the Mediterranean coast. The ill-will is strongest in the rural communities most deeply affected by the recent fighting. The conflict killed hundreds of rural civilians, cut off many road routes for produce and disrupted international efforts to jump start the Lebanese economy following the end of its 15-year-long civil war in 1990 and the departure of occupying Syrian troops in 2005. The war also had a nearly fatal effect on the countrys tourism industry once its strongest sectors. The airport was out of operation for two months and travelers have since been wary of vacationing in a country still under the threat of invasion. In the wake of the war, U.S. efforts to rebuild Lebanon have continued. And now they have taken on an almost urgent air. While the U.S. military and its allies continue to threaten or occupy vast swaths of the Middle East, American aid agencies undertake a separate but parallel campaign to rebuild ravaged countries and attempt to win back some of the consent lost to military violence. But in many places these agencies are struggling. The very conflicts that make their activities so important also disrupt them. Hasbini is a manager with Stanford Research Institute, an American nonprofit that, in 2002, was awarded $12 million by the U.S. Agency for International Development to improve Lebanons tourism and agricultural sectors. SRI and seven partner

nonprofits represent the vanguard of U.S. efforts to rebuild its Lebanese ally. In the beginning, things were going well. Until the summer war, we had been part of a very successful strategy that saw a dramatic increase in tourism over past three years, says James Billings, SRIs Lebanon director. In mid-July, the tourism season was in full speed ahead. There had been a 30-percent increase in the number of arrivals in country [then] all of our support to tourism basically came to a screeching halt. The tourism industry stopped and it really hasnt restarted. The war also damaged SRIs efforts to coax Lebanese farmers into international markets. The organization had sent Lebanese representatives to the July New York Fancy Foods Show to score lucrative international contracts for local produce. As a result of the war, Billings reports, several of these contacts they were unable to fulfill. Aside from the physical and institutional damage, the war exacted a psychological toll on the Lebanese people. There isnt the sense of what the future is going to be, Billings says. Overall, the economy has suffered. But SRI and its partners, including Silver Spring, Maryland-based CHF International, are still hard at work in Lebanon, struggling against ruin and despair to restore the local economys forward momentum. For Hasbini, that means trudging through muddy fields in communities like that near Massoudiyye, preaching, begging and cajoling in order to drag farmers into the 21st century. One other thing we tried to work [out] with farmers was to [get them to] group themselves into a cooperative, Hasbini says. We are hoping that this [cooperative] grows progressively, becomes a place where they can meet and exchange information. The idea is to take traditionally isolated and proudly self-sufficient farmers and turn them into a marketing and lobbying bloc for the purposes of winning government aid and big contracts with multinational firms. Hasbinis work on this front is back to its early stages following the disruptions of the summer war, but already shes got farmers negotiating with McDonalds in Lebanon to supply potatoes for french fries. On Dec. 21, driving north from Beirut to meet Iskanar Iskanar, a potato farmer with fields near Massoudiyye, Hasbini tries to cross over the formerly bombed-out bridge, which like scores of other bridges

is in the middle of being repaired. The going is too rough, so she backs up and finds another way around. CHFs strategy in Lebanon is based on the concept of micro-lending; the organization draws on a pool of U.S. State Department funds to lend small sums of money to struggling entrepreneurs, providing them the capital to grow their businesses to sustainable levels. Its a bottom-up approach to rebuilding a ruined economy. As desperately as Lebanon needs such investment, Iraq needs it even more. In that country, despite more than $20 billion having been spent on large reconstruction projects since 2003, the economy is apparently worse off than it was in the immediate aftermath of the U.S.-led invasion. Oil exports are flat. Tax revenues are weak. Utilities and basic services are nearly nonexistent. Insurgent attacks undo most of the work by the large construction firms such as Halliburton and Bechtel, leaving CHF and partner non-profits to sneak into towns and villages, quietly loaning a few thousand bucks here and a few thousand there, slowly but steadily shoring up the basic units of the Iraqi economy in an effort to save lives and change minds. Look, CHF seems to be saying, not all Americans are trying to kill you. That message is complicated somewhat by the presence of British troops in southern Iraq. For its the Brits who are responsible for the highest-profile microfinance schemes in the impoverished region. Most of their funding comes from the United States, but Iraqis dont know that. They dont realize that Americans are, quietly and indirectly, hard at work rebuilding their country. One of the most promising British-executed initiatives in the southern city of Basra, population 5 million, promises long-term employment for 2,000 farmers and 8,000 laborers, two-thirds of whom were recently unemployed. It leverages small injections of capital to gradually revive an entire sector of southern Iraq's economy while, hopefully, shaping Iraqi attitudes. And it all begins with palm shoots the size of pencils, costing just a few dollars apiece. Twenty years ago, Basra was lush with 30 million date palms. The tree was so important to the local economy that it became a symbol of the region. Then Saddam Hussein, facing U.S.-backed Shiite rebellions, diverted the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, drying up 80 percent of southern Iraqs arable land and forcing many date farmers into poverty.

But all that might change in five years, when at least 140,000 date palms worth $8 million -- all paid for by the U.S. money and donated to local growers -reach maturity. For sustainability, the tree donations are linked to irrigation projects, explains British Colonel Jack Hitchcock. He describes the project as low-tech, high-employment and meant to affect peoples perceptions. While the British military deserves some credit for recently returning microfinance to the vanguard of the coalitions strategy in Iraq, CHF has been at it all along, often alone, laboring since the beginning of the occupation to get capital in the hands of Iraqi entrepreneurs. It was this organization that launched the first microfinance programs in Iraq in the summer of 2003. CHF works where the military cannot, in crowded markets and on sweltering streets lined with struggling small businesses. CHFs people work secretly and at great risk of abduction and murder. And they reach even lower than the military financiers, to the foundation of the Iraqi economy. Commonly funded businesses include butchers, tailors and seamstresses, barbers and hair salons says Elissa McCarter, a CHF manager based in Washington, D.C. McCarter admits that the company's efforts are "scratching the surface of the problem. But with $47 million from the State Department, CHF has helped more than 10,000 Iraqi small businesses, many of which have added employees. Acknowledging the firm's success, James Baker's Iraq Study Group -- the brain trust investigating new, more effective strategies in Iraq -- consulted with the company's president in November. All told, around 20,000 Baswaris owe their livelihoods to U.S.-funded microfinance efforts. Given that the total investment amounts to a rounding error in the war budget, thats a pretty good performance -- especially compared to the dismal results of the large-scale reconstruction. It makes you wonder what U.S. aid agencies could accomplish in the Middle East with a billion dollars -- still a drop in the bucket compared to war funding -- instead of the paltry millions they've been appropriated so far. Of course, rebuilding a country would be a lot easier if we didnt destroy it in the first place. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
FEBRUARY 14, 2007

S.C.S CANDIDATE FROM PAGE 6


chin and large-gauge silver earrings, said that though they have received more Thank You notes than hate mail, there have been threats on the candidate's life but he declined to go into details. I'm always looking for the worst to happen, he said and noted that he will be increasing security measures as they get closer to the primaries and events leading up to 2008. All in all, Swift says, he's not too worried. On April 21 they plan to have between 200 and 300 people attend a rally at the State House in Columbia. As for the youth movement, Chappell is responsible for everyone under the age of 18 and says thousands join up all the time. The NSM grew by about 20 percent since Bowles declared his candidacy, he said, although National Socialist Movement Commander Jeff Schoep keeps the official numbers as privileged information. LIVE FROM LAURENS: REICH THE VOTE Bowles, Chappell and Swift walk in full regalia the blocks around the town square in Laurens freely and without incident. They dress the same when they meet city mayors as they do grandmothers and children on the street when they hand out leaflets or campaign materials. This shocks people, Bowles says gesturing again to the swastika armband. This has a good effect. Because when people are shocked they stand and listen. And if they stand and listen to what I'm saying they'll go home and start thinking. I want people to start thinking. Especially white people. The folks who live and work around the town square in the City of Laurens however, say they don't think too much about it. David Little, a black barber working at the Real Talk Barber Shop one block from the Redneck Shop says they don't bother him and he doesn't bother them. He's never stepped foot inside the Redneck Shop and doesn't plan to. I don't want to see what's in there, he said. As for what he thinks about Bowles running for president: It's a free country. A local police officer also said there havent been any incidents or problems even when theyve held rallies from time to time. When [the store] first opened it was kind of a big deal, he said as he gazed toward the Confederate flag on the sidewalk. But not anymore. Laurens Mayor Sharon Brownlee said it was the first she'd heard about Bowles running for president and said though the Redneck Shop had made national news in the past they tend to keep to themselves nowadays. They're in business just like anybody else, she said. Yvan Yousef, owner the Roma Pasta Grill and Pizzeria restaurant directly next door to the campaign headquarters where Bowles and his staff often eat and hold meetings, said they have never given him any problems. If they did I would call the police, he said. But they don't. Yousef was surprised to hear someone from Laurens was running for president. For his part, while Bowles fully understands any negative feedback he gets for his political stance and physical appearance, he isn't trying to be a shock value candidate. The reason he dresses the way he does is because to him the people who represent the white race have been splintered into two groups-- one, the group who wears a white shirt and tie and the other, him, who says Let's use what has worked in the last 100 years and go by that blueprint. That's why I do this, he says. If he wore a white shirt and tie he said it would be tantamount to charlatanism. And while those who represent the white race may be split into only two groups, he says, America should have a choice when it comes to voting and he'd like to see a time when there are 15 people on the ballot and not only two or three. Which is why he's always voted third party. You can win on a fluke, he says. If the others tear each other up so bad and people get so mad at them, the American people might just say 'That's it' and 'Let's get this guy in, he's not putting out negative attacks, he's out there talking to us, he has a very simple Web site'that's the thing that I could win on. While a look at Bowles' garb and race relations posture is reminiscent of the past, he believes the members of the NSM are actually ahead of the times. We are considered radical, extreme and revolutionary because one day we believe it's going to come to that situation in this country and people are going to look for something revolutionary, radical and extreme, he says. And there we'll be, all set and ready to go. So we're just a littler ahead of our times because we believe sooner or later this whole thing's going go 'pop'. Before it does though, I mean, if it does even, does Bowles expect to pick up any minority votes along the way? You know you'd be surprised on that, he says. You know a lot of blacks in this country, they're getting dissatisfied with the way things are and it's like a marriage, and when you try so long to make something work and it doesn't, maybe there'll come a day when we just stop this nonsense and we get a divorce, but it won't be a bad divorce: tell me what you want, I'll tell you what I want and let's just go our separate ways. The NSM presidential contender does not use the metaphor flippantly. A fun-loving father of three daughters, Bowles himself has been married and divorced. As for the other heavyweights in the race for the 2008 White House, Bowles says he actually thinks Hillary would do an all right job. Barack Obama doesn't make him bristle much but he believes a lot of black voters will consider him an Uncle Tom. John McCain scares the hell out of him because he thinks the Arizona senator is such a war monger. As for that guy from New York (former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani), he says he might have a good chance too. But even though his views are way out there, even though you won't be seeing a man with a swastika debating Mitt Romney on Meet The Press, or even find his name or picture in many-- if any-- other papers after this, John Taylor Bowles says he's going for it and the movement is just as alive as ever. We stand for some things in this country that people have been dying to have, he says about the National Socialist Movement and his bid for the presidency. As for the word dying, well, historically speaking that armband does bring back some pretty heavy memories. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

FEBRUARY, 14 2007

the Good Fight


THE LAST LYNCHING: SIXTY
YEARS LATER, WILLIE EARLE STILL HAUNTS US

Strom Thurmond had been at home Reporters from Northern black newspain the Governors Mansion less than a pers were allowed into the packed and month when the phone rang, early on the sweltering courtroom, but were forced to morning of February 17, 1947, with the sit in the upper gallery. chilling news. Relying on a quaint eccentricity of There had been a lynching in state law, wives and children of the 31 Pickens County. A 24-year-old black man defendants sat with their men in the front named Willie Earle had been seized from of the courtroom, attempting to demonthe county jail by a mob, carried across the strate their wholesome, stalwart nature. Greenville County line, was beaten, West wrote that the arrangement gave stabbed and blasted twice at close range the proceedings the atmosphere of a with a shotgun. church picnic. There was no secret who the murder- BY WILL MOREDOCK Throughout the two-week trial, ers were. A Greenville taxi driver named defense attorneys pandered to the Founder of Columbias Thomas Watson Brown had been robbed former Point newsweekly basest prejudices and fears of the jury. At and fatally stabbed in Pickens County, on one point, an attorney announced to the February 15. Piecing together circumstantial evidence, jury, Willie Earle is dead and I wish more like him was authorities arrested Earle at his mothers house the next dead. day. That night, Greenville taxi drivers organized a conWrote West: There was a delighted giggling, voy of cabs, drove to the Pickens County jail, demand- almost coquettish response from the defendants and ed the prisoner, and murdered him. some of the spectators.A more disgusting incident The Willie Earle lynching was a horrible embar- could not have happened in any court of law at any rassment to a state which sought to recast its image as time. a civilized, progressive province, suitable for investment One cab driver who had refused to go along with and development. And it was an early challenge for the lynch party was called by the state to identify some Strom Thurmond, who at that stage in his career had of the men who did. He was later beaten and forced to cast himself as a racial moderate. leave town. I do not favor lynching and I shall exert every The prosecution rested and the defense refused to resource at my command to apprehend all persons who call any witnesses. On the afternoon of May 21, Judge may be involved in such a flagrant violation of the law, J. Robert Martin gave his charge to the jury. Five hours the Governor declared in dispatching a state constable and thirteen minutes later, the twelve good men and true to Greenville County. had reached their verdicts: not guilty on all counts. Within hours of the lynching, the U.S. Marshals Pandemonium broke out on the floor of the courtand the FBI were involved in the investigation. Over the room after the verdicts were read; in the gallery above, next four days, over 150 suspects were questioned there wasstunned silence. before authorities charged 31 men 28 eight of them When order was restored, Judge Martin, shaken taxi drivers, all of them white. Most of the men signed and angry, informed the jury where they could pick up confessions; several of their statements identified their fees for service. Then he stood, turned his back on Roosevelt Carlos Hurd as the leader of the mob and the the jury and left the courtroom without the customary man who killed Earle with the shotgun. courtesy of thanking them for their service. Over the next weeks, Time and Newsweek Willie Earles was the last lynching in South praised Thurmonds decisive action against racial vio- Carolina, but hardly the last lynching in the South. lence. Newspapers in Greenville and around the South James Ford Seale was arrested last month in the 1964 condemned lynching. But in markets and restaurants kidnapping and murder of two black youths in throughout the Upstate, white businesses put out jars to Mississippi. In recent years, authorities have won concollect money for the legal defense of the taxi drivers. victions in the 1963 assassination of NAACP activist The eyes of the nation and the world were on the Medgar Evers; the 1963 Birmingham, Ala., church Greenville County Courthouse as the lynching trial bombing that killed four black girls; and the 1964 opened on May 5, 1947. The New Yorker sent Dame Philadelphia, Miss., slayings of three civil rights workers. Rebecca West to cover the trial. Life magazine had a But the murderers of Willie Earle will never be punished. reporter and photographer in the courtroom and ran a They had their day in court and the jury found that killing major photo spread of the proceedings. Wire services a black man in South Carolina was not a crime. carried the story from coast-to-coast and in Europe. Respond to this story at Talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP

BY NICK GUREWITCH

FEBRUARY 14, 2007

Radio Free AMERICAN PIE


BY

SENATOR WARREN GEORGE W. VAN BUREAU

LIGHTRAIL COULD CRACK OPEN KNOWLEDGE ECONOMY


could be working in about six months, officials say. The state Commission on Higher Education has included a $4.5 million request If it meets a challenge over the a third each from the research uninext few months, it will join states versities to state lawmakers to that provide top researchers with the fund this year. The rest of the cost high-speed, high-volume technology may come from interest monies that infrastructure. In turn, that has the have accumulated in the multi-milpotential to open up amazing new lion dollar endowed chairs account knowledge-economy opportunities funded by lottery revenues to attract for more jobs. smart professors and researchers. But if the state doesnt meet the Since interest money from the challenge, it may start losing endowed chairs program has not yet renowned scientists and researchers been approved for any purpose, this whose work now requires the ability is breaking new ground, and the to move a lot of data over an board, understandably, wants to extremely fast fiber-optic network thats connected to make sure that it is done in a manner consistent with the rest of the world. It has to happen, said retired Lexington busi- the original legislation, Greenberg said. This is an nessman Sam Tenenbaum, who serves as vice-chair of expensive venture, but in the big scheme of economic the states Research Centers for Economic Excellence. competitiveness, it is both essential and a modest If you dont do it, everything will collapse in this state. investment. Dr. William F. Hogue, USCs vice president for Either we stay horse-and-buggy or we go to warp information technology and its chief information officer, speed. The project is called South Carolina LightRail. says the state needs S.C. LightRail because it currentInitial implementation will connect the states three ly is operating at a competitive disadvantage. He said major research universities Clemson, the University of the state could lose the ability to win more than $117 South Carolina and the Medical University of South million in targeted federal grants without the new techCarolina and three partner hospitals, Greenville nology framework. Two or three years ago, the state was essentially Hospital System, Palmetto Health and Spartanburg Regional Healthcare System. Over time, more sites on par with other parts of the country, he said. But when a national, dedicated high-speed network opened across the state will be added.

A VERY BRIEF HIS STORY OF THE UNTIED STATES [FROM THE EDITOR: We are pleased to help Senator Warren George W. van Bureau kick off his 2008 Presidential Campaign. Senator van Bureau represents the great state of Confusion, which is the newly-formed, and landlocked, 51st state of the Union, recently established by Congress somewhere east of the Pee Dee. The Senator recently revealed to me his conviction that every U.S. presidential candidate should publish an essay on American history. Below follows Senator van Bureaus rather unique historical take.] As our current great president, and my half-namesake, once said, Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words. So to my mind, anyone who wants to be presidenteven that robot from The Terminator should relate to the American peoples that he knows our nations history thick and through. After all, were talking about a guy who will rule from the Oral Office. So here goes: Five centuries ago, there were these upstanding, Godfearing Pilgrims living all over Europe. They descended from a lady named Anna Baptist. The Pilgrims smelled like rotting herring on account they didnt believe in bathing. But at least they didnt smoke weed like their nemesis, the devildamned Dutch Masters. One day, the Archangel Gabriel stole a golden turntable from the Pilgrim leader, Brigham Cotton Smith. So Mr. Smith moved to Washington, where it was believed Gabriel was hanging out. (Others argue it was Utah.) Any-hoo, Smith rented a tugboat from the Mayflower Moving Company and took his 16 wives (some who were hardly old enough to be diddled by former Representative Mark Foley), as well as all the other Pilgrims, across the ocean with him. Them Europeans was relieved to be rid of the Pilgrims, since, in addition to their general malodorousness, the Pilgrims were always going on how one shouldnt drink Campari, do the Watusi, watch South Park, fornicate with Bedouin, bet at the dog track, stuff ones mouth with Copenhagen or Big League Chew, or trick chicks on eHarmony into playing pull ye ole elephant trunk. The tugboat landed near Cape Cod, where a number of the Pilgrims debarked and opened a witch-burning academy called the Massachusetts Institute of Technicality. This school later became famous for producing concord jelly. As the tugboat traversed the East Coast in search of the golden turntable, Pilgrims settled all over, from Maine to Albuquerque. The Pilgrims were swift to invest in suntan lotion stock, as they noticed these folks called Injuns all over the place, and God forbid if the Piligrims were going to let their skin go copper, too. It was bad enough staring out your log cabin window and watching your neighbor rain dancing. That, and those scalp wind chimes were clear violations of local noise ordinances. The Pilgrims, who legally changed their name to the Founding Fathers, were so annoyed at the Injuns that they

SOUTH CAROLINA IS AT A TECHNOLOGY CROSSROADS.

Were not decades behind, but in information technology generation terms, were about two generations behind
The projects impact to researchers is phenomenal, as highlighted in an example involving an ongoing brain imaging research collaboration between USC and MUSC. Currently, it takes nine minutes to transmit a high-resolution, complicated MRI image over existing networks. Through LightRail, it would take seconds - and the possibility for distortion would be significantly reduced. (If its your brain that researchers are looking at for a diagnosis, you wouldnt want an image to be 99 percent correct, would you?) As we begin to move very complicated clinical images across the state, the volume of this traffic and the size of the transmissions will become the bottleneck, said Dr. Ray Greenberg, president of MUSC. For the people using the data, it will be like sitting in gridlock on I-26 in rush hour. LightRail would be the equivalent of adding dedicated express lanes to speed information around these bottlenecks. It will cost $8 million to $10 million to get the hardware in place to get LightRail started and, if funded, it for researchers, the state didnt participate. Now, as costs have actually gone down, its a perfect time for the investment. Were not decades behind, but in information technology generation terms, were about two generations behind, Hogue said. This [investment] will allow us to make up a three-year gap. Its almost a no-brainer for state lawmakers to approve investment in the high-speed network. Why? Because if we continue to work hard to attract smart people to serve as endowed professors at research universities, they have to have the tools they need to do the smart work we want them to do. If they dont have the right technology, the whole concept of luring smart folks and their research teams to the state to do work that can create new high-paying jobs here just doesnt make sense. Andy Brack is publisher of S.C. Statehouse Report. He can be reached at brack@statehousereport.com

The Boondocks

AARON MCGRUDER

decided the time had come for a little gentrification. So all the Injuns were pushed into the Pacific Ocean. Some paddled to Hawaii, and their ancestors became NFL offensive linemen with names like Sumwunwananailakowa. In 1812, just before the Founding Fathers pushed out the Injuns, the great Colonel Sanders led a corporate buyout of Kentucky Fried Turkey. But as the great nudist Founding Father Benjamin Franklin harbored unhealthy erotic tendencies for turkeys, KFT began serving chicken instead. Colonel Sanders was fairly peeved, so he opened a Kentucky distillery called Wild Turkey. The Founding Fathers stupidly forbade the Injuns from drinking Wild Turkey. Naturally, the Injuns revolted. Needless to say, lots of Injuns had to be put downor as we might say today, they were sent to Guantanamo. But duh! With no more Injuns, there werent nobody left to do the grunt work, like street sweeping and cotton picking. So the Founding Fathers began importing Africans, who were happy to work for free. This occurred in the days before FedEx, so our forefathers shipped Africans by pony express. The ponies said, Hell no! We wont go! So the pony express bosses conscripted all them herds of buffaloes that littered our Great Plains. Lots of buffaloes died during the great swim from the Ivory Coast to Charleston, which accounts for the near-obliteration of that herbivore. The rest were processed into Oscar Meyer weenies. Not long after that, our nation experienced the War of Northern Expansion. For several years, a covert group of yankees led by President Abraham moved the 38th parallel line south one mile each night by the light of the moon. One morning, the folks in Florida woke to find themselves in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Southerners were none too pleasedespecially when they realized this meant Africans werent slaves no more. So hordes of Africans moved to Los Angeles and others moved to New York and invented rap music. The 20th century played out like an epic trilogy: World War I, II and III. In the first movie, the Germans tried to force sauerkraut on the whole world, but were repelled by the Americans. In the second movie, the Germans tried to turn all the Jews into sauerkraut, but were again foiled by the good ole U.S. of A. In the third movie, George Bush tried to turn all the Arabs into Americans, so the world started throwing sauerkraut at him. And somewhere in the middle of all that, a guy named Ray Kroc invented nukular warheads, Big Macs and Internet porn. I hope I didnt leave out anything important. As you see, I even know more history than our current great President, who once said, I think we agree, the past is over. Only one thing left to say: A vote for me is a vote for the legacy of President W. and his Republic Party! Senator van Bureau is filling in for columnist Harry S. Iarch, who is on assignment this week at The National Archives Building in Washington, D.C. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

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FEBRUARY 14, 2007

THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THESE EVENTS ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. THE ACCOUNTS COME DIRECTLY FROM POLICE REPORTS. THIS IS NOT A COURT OF LAW.
29070 "If you call the police I will kill these bitches and myself." That's what a 19year-old spaz said to a girl while holding a kitchen knife to his throat. Except in the official police report the word "bitches" is capitalized. We like that for some reason; 00 block Baron Manor Court. 29036 Texting, texting, 1, 2, 3: Two technologically advanced Chapin residents found their names in police documents this week after their text messages turned ugly, earning one of them a "harassment by phone" charge. One of the suspects reportedly texted the other, writing that he was going to "sell their dog." Not liking that, but apparently accepting the poochs fate, the woman texted back "If you do I should get 1/2 the money." Welcome to the future of douchebaggery. Really; 500 block Boundary Street. 29063 Don't drive around with dope in your car if your tag light is out. Or your break light. Or your taillight. And don't try to avoid checkpoints, either. Just stay calm, tell the officer where you're going and where you came from. Smile but not too much. Make a joke but don't be too funny. You want Mr. Copper to forget you five seconds after you pull away. That is unless you want to end up like the 21-year-old druggedout driver who tried to sketch his way out of a checkpoint in Lexington this week; Corner of Lake Murray Blvd. and Woodrow Street. 29072 Herby Curby Culprit: That's what they call those green trashcans with the wheels on them, right? Herby Curbies? OK, well someone jacked a 44-year-old lady's Herby curby and she reaaaallly wants it back; 600 block Charles Court. 29073 A couple of scumbags are driving around trailer parks in Lexington in a white van telling residents theyre the "new owners" of the trailer park and the residents should pay them and not their old landlord. Thing is, the scam actually worked in some places, but then again so do shotguns in those parts. We'll see where this goes; 1200 block South Lake Drive 29073 Lexington police pulled over a car and found out the driver had a 9mm in the glove box along with an open can of Bud Lite. Good combo; 2700 block South Lake Drive. 29123 Are they filming Ocean's 14 in Pelion, S.C.? Because someone's shed was broken into and these items were stolen: Earthquake auger, Werner ladders, 20-foot walkboard, three deer stands with climbers, Champion chop saw, two "come-alongs" and a set of ladder jacks. Wow. Have fun with those, dude. Seriously; 700 block James Dunbar Road. 29160 When cops showed up to a domestic violence call in Swansea last week they found Randy the redneck standing on his porch with dried blood all over his face. When asked what happened, Randy said "Nothing, why? Did someone call?" Turns out someone did call because 'Ole Randy-roo was smacking his wife around again. And by again we mean, like, literally the fourth time. Attorney General Henry McMaster can call us if he wants the case number. We have it; 300 block Martin Neese Road. 29169 They do things differently in West Columbia. Like celebrate Halloween in February. No, no masked bandits here, just some teenager egging houses and toilet papering trees. But no "backwards" jokes today, really; 200 block Woodberry Road. 29201 In parts of Europe they sell beer at McDonald's. Not so much parts of Columbia. Police arrested a 62-yearold man for boozing it up with a can of Steel 24 in the McDonald's parking lot a 10:30 in the morning. Even if he was in Europe I dont think they'd serve Steel 24. Off to jail he went; 1020 block Elmwood Ave. 29201 In the parking lot of Hunter Gatherer a 36-year-old woman was attacked by another chick who grabbed her hair, threw her to the ground and kneed her in the face; If that was you and youre reading this, were hiring office secretaries; 900 block Main Street. 29201 If you're homeless it might not be the best idea to hang out in businesses while reeking of mouthwash and talking about the people you robbed in the past. That's exactly what got this 45year-old bum hauled out of the Hertz Car Rental outlet and slapped with both a trespass notice and a booze ticket. Next time come to us and you can end up on the other page of this publication; 500 block Gervais Street. 29201 The parking meter smasher returned again this week to break open parking meter # 903. Police do not know how much money the person took, but the $500 in damage to city property should be enough to say "what goes around, comes around" in regards to all those parking tickets; 1900 block Assembly Street. 29202 An officer had to wrestle with a homeless man outside the shelter this week after one hopped-up hobo was asked to leave and continued to hang out and "demand attention." The man refused to let the officer handcuff him and the cop had to force him to the ground before hauling him off to a much different kind of shelter; 1500 block Taylor Street. 29203 Proving they really are dangerous, a 22-year-old man was shot in the left thigh as he stood in his breezeway smoking a cigarette; 3800 block West Ave. 29203 After a fight over a dog, as one man was walking off the other threw a double-bladed ax at him from 20 yards away. The ax landed two feet in front of the dude but that was enough to have Hercules charged with assault with intent to kill; 5800 block Koon Road. 29203 An officer approached a man standing in a dark corner of a parking lot after reports of drug activity came through police dispatch channels. The man said he had no weapons and when the cop patted him down it turned out he was right. What the sketchy dude didnt tell the cop was that he was carrying 1 gram of marijuana and 2 grams of skeet, blow, coke or whatever we're calling it now. Either way it's Columbia, so we'll just go with too much Novocaine and Exlax; 100 block Lorick Circle. 29203 Possession of crack. Possession of crack near a school. Unlawful carrying of a pistol. Drunkenness. Fighting. Disorderly conduct. Wow, really bad day for the guy with gold teeth and dreadlocks who got picked up on all those charges in just one day. The report names him only as dread; 3000 block Colonial Drive. 29204 Creepy phone calls: A 21-year-old man said someone called him to say "I'll have your wife and son by 3 p.m." The guy also told police the same person called again and said "Victoria looks good this morning" referring to his younger sister who, at the time, was getting ready for school. Sounds like a sick movie Kevin Bacon would act in. Hey Kev, come on back, y'hear; 4000 block Pine Cone Road. 29205 A 20-year-old man was robbed at gunpoint while walking down Devine Street Jan. 29. A black man between 30 and 35 years old wearing a black jacket, brown sweater and black dress pants asked the kid about the bars in Five Points before pulling out a handgun and telling him to give up his wallet and empty his pockets or he'd be killed. After handing over his billfold, the gunman told the kid to run. All in all he lost $321; 2400 block Devine Street. 29205 Two girls-- "friends" they called themselves-- got into a catfight in Five Points with one of the chicks using her car keys as brass knuckles to knock the other one out. Too much Thaibo; 900 block Harden Street. 29205 Super Mario must have picked up a flowerpower suit and used the "B" button on the back wall of Sushi Yoshi last week causing the small fire and $10,000 in damage. Fire Dept. Battalion Chief Jamie Helms, however, dismissed the Mario Bros. theory and said it was probably a cigarette that caused it; 2000 block Devine Street. 29209 Piggly Wiggler: A middle-aged white woman waltzed into the Piggly Wiggly, filled a cart up with food, rolled it up to the customer service desk and asked for a $26 refund. Her receipt was dated the day before. Great move; 7400 block Garners Ferry Road. 29212 During a routine wife beating, Bubba dragged his baby's momma around by her hair until she went to her car to get a baseball bat. "Oh you are going to pull a bat on me?" Bubba asked and then went to his own car to snatch up an iron rod. Then he smacked her in the head with it. "You better not call the police, see what I do to you," Bubba said before police and EMTs showed up; 5300 block Bush River Road. 29212 Bad day: The phone rings and a dude picks it up. The caller asks if his wife is home. "Who's this," the dude asks. Caller says, "It's her boyfriend." Dude asks what this guy wants with his wife. Caller says, "She gives good head." Ouch. Were hoping he already knew that, but still; 100 block Nursery Ridge Lane. 29212 After a fight at the Waffle House, police arrested a man after they found an illegal gun on him along with a blunt and over three grand in cash. Waffle House. Yeah; Piney Grove Road.

CRIME WATCH

Mr. Meaners

The Handwriting Doctor By Michelle Dresbold


BIG CRUSH IN MICRONESIA
Dear Michelle, I was reading your column when I noticed from your picture that you are kind of cute. Your bio mentioned training with the Secret Service. Did they train you to kill with a pen? I hope not. That is not a skill that a young woman should know. I was hoping you could analyze my handwriting, and if we are compatible (our handwriting) maybe we could get together for getting out and dating, trying to develop a relationship, falling in love, and who knows maybe even getting married. Looking forward to hearing from you. Hoping that I am not leaving an extra large right margin space. Your Man in Micronesia Dear Man in Micronesia, Considering that I live about 10,000 miles away from you which means a 20-hour plane ride, or a 10-day boat ride, or a very, very long swim it might be a good idea to find a girl who lives just a wee bit closer. Let's look at your handwriting to see what kind of gal would be most compatible with you. The circle letters "o" and "a," and the rounded part of the letter "g," are the communication letters. Those letters represent the mouth. If they are tightly closed at the top, the writer is a good secret keeper. It takes a crow-bar to get a closed-circle letter to reveal their true inner thoughts and feelings. Most of your communication letters are wide open at the top. This means that you like to talk and, often, reveal too much of yourself too soon. You need to find a sweetheart who is straightforward and honest. Look for a girl whose handwriting is unpretentious and clearly written, without a lot of frills and curly-cues. Since you like to talk, you'll want to find someone who likes to listen. Look at her letter "e," which represents the ear. A good listener will have well-formed "e's." If they're squished or closed, she may not hear a word you say. Wait a second! My handwriting's unpretentious, clearly written, and my "e's" are well-formed. And I've always been a good swimmer So who knows, if the currents are right, I might just make it to the sunny shores of Micronesia!

CITY PAPER CASE 4:

This writer's communication letters show he likes to talk

Michelle Dresbold is a nationally known handwriting expert and personality profiler. She is the author of Sex, Lies, and Handwriting, published by Simon & Schusters Free Press. Mail your handwritten questions and comments to: The Handwriting Doctor, P.O. Box 1161, Monroeville, PA 15146.

FEBRUARY 14, 2007

11

ABSTRACT IN NATURE EXHIBITION OPENS AT GALLERY 80808

Mike Williams End To End is at Gallery 80808 along with the works of Katie Walker, Laura Spong & Paul Reed

BY JUDIT TRUNKOS
Strolling into the Gallery 80808, one is immediately engaged by Katie Walkers Abstract Expressionist paintings. Walker, a Greenville native, manipulates color-blocks and simple shapes to fashion energetic works that seem to emanate a spontaneity that is as playful as it is profound. One couldnt ask for a better welcome to an abstract exhibit. Abstract painters usually paint to express complex thoughts with simple, reduced elements. One common component in all abstract styles is that they do not wish to copy the outlook of the object; on the contrary, they intend to paint the inside of it. For example, it is easy to become lost in Many Paths, by Laura Spong, arguably one of the best nonobjective local painters, simply because Spong is not trying to paint paths, but rather what paths, the journey, mean to her. Indeed, the darkening shapes that contrast the opalescent center of the painting create such a depth that the path seems to be directly through the painting itself, as if the viewer could step right into it. My goal, Spong says, is to portray visually,

in a non-objective manner, my own inner journey as I search for meaning and purpose in life. My hope... is through my work a connection will be made between me and those on a similar journey. Similarly, Washington, D.C. native Paul Reeds Color Field collection plays with concepts of shape, color and space. Reeds acrylics flirts with spatial concepts by applying thicker parallel stripes on the thin background. By using the same geometric forms and changing only the colors of certain the composition, he has created a visual game in which colors effect the viewers conception of space. Yet, the artist who seems most interested in spaces and form at this exhibition is a local painter and sculptor named Mike Williams, whose large abstract metal creations anchor the exhibition in the middle of the show rooms. The tall welded steel sculptures contain elements that are almost reminiscent of natural forms and shapes. If you wish to see some of the best local abstract art, drop by Gallery 80808. Abstract in Nature, organized by Wim Roefs, will be open until February 20. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

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FEBRUARY 14, 2007

ART Galleries
A Carolina Gallery, 3626 Bush River Rd, Columbia. Ongoing - morning, day and evening watercolor, drawing and collage classes. Call for times. Hours: Tue.-Fri., noon-6pm and by appt. Contact:803/798-3232 or 803/3190280, e-mail at (acarogal@bellsouth.net) or at (www.acarolinagallery.com). Amba Studios, 3135 Forest Drive, Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fr., 8am-5pm. Contact: 803/782-6171 or at (www.ambastudios.com). Bella Vista Art & Framing, 705 Gervais St., downstairs of City Market Antiques, Columbia. Hours: Tue.-Sat., 10am-5:30pm. Contact: 803/765-0808 or e-mail at (bellavistaart@bellsouth.net). Blue Sky Gallery, Five Points, 733 Saluda Avenue, Columbia. Hours: Wed.-Sat., 11:30am-5:30 pm or by appt. Contact: 803/779-4242 Cameo Art Gallery, 805 Meeting St.,W. Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9am5pm & Sat. by appt. Contact: 803/7966910 or e-mail at (cameoartgallery@bellsouth.net). Cameo Print Gallery, 807 Meeting St.,W. Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9am-5pm & Sat. by appt. Contact: 803/796-6910 or e-mail at (cameoartgallery@bellsouth.net) Carol Saunders Gallery, 922 Gervais St., Columbia. Hours: M-F, 10am5:30pm; Sat., 11am-5pm. Contact: 803/256-3046. City Art, 1224 Lincoln Street, Columbia. Main Gallery, Jan. 25 - Mar. 31 - Tarleton Blackwell: New Works, featuring a major exhibition by this South Carolina artist.. Hours: M-F, 10am-6pm & Sat., 11-3pm. Contact: 803/252-3613 or at (www.cityartonline.com) Columbia Museum of Art Main and Hampton St 799-2810 www.columbiamuseum.org Charlton Hall Galleries, Inc. Antique auction & fine art 912 Gervais Street Columbia SC, 29201 803-779-5678

The impetus for art is often called

Finleaf Gallery, 2323 Devine Street, Columbia. Ongoing - Featuring original artwork by local and regional artists. Hours: Tue.-Fri., 10am-5:30pm & Sat., 11am-3pm. Contact: 803/254-8327 or Paul D. Sloan Interiors, 929 Gervais Street, Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fri., at (www.finleaf.com) 10am-6pm & Sat., 10am-5pm. Contact: Gallery 80808, 808 Lady Street, 803/733-1704. Columbia. Hours: M-F by appt. or chance. Contact: 803/252-6134 or at Portfolio Art Gallery, Five Points, 2007 Devine St., Columbia. Featuring (www.gallery80808vistastudios.com) the work of local, regional & national Havens Framemakers and Gallery, artists. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 10am-6pm. 1616 Gervais St., Columbia. Featuring Contact: 803/256-2434 or at (www.portan extensive collection of handcarved folioartgal.com). museum quality frames. Art and frame restoration. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9:30am- Rita Smith Gallery, Richland Mall, 6pm; Sat., 10am-5pm. Contact: Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 10am803/256-1616 or at (www.havens- 9pm & Sun., 12:30-6pm. Contact: 803/790-0328. framemakersandgallery.com). HoFP, 2828 Devine Street, Columbia Ongoing - Featuring original works of art from around the world and around the corner. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9am5:30pm; Sat.,10am-5pm, & by appt.. Contact: 803/799-7405, e-mail at (info@hofpgallery.com) or at (www.hofpgallery.com). I Pinckney Simons Gallery, 1012 Gervais Street, Columbia. * Jan. 5 - 31 - Stones, Bones, and Fibers: Excavating Civilizations of the Mind, featuring a two-person exhibition of mixed media works by Janet Kozachek and Susan Lenz. Hours: Tues.-Fri., 11am-5pm; Sat. 11am-3pm

and by appt. Contact: 803/771-8815 or Richland County Public Library e-mail at (simonsgallery@aol.com). 1431 Assembly st. 929-3434 www.richland.lib.sc.us Idylwild Arts, Galleries, Studios, Etc., S.C. State Museum 903 Huger Street, Columbia. Featuring 301 Gervais st. 898-4902 a variety of original art by local area www.museum.state.sc.us artists. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9am-6pm. Contact: 803/779-3009. The Artists Basement 2013 Devine Street 727-7537 If ART Gallery, 1223 Lincoln St., *White on White * University of South Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 11am-7pm Carolina Professors and Graduate stu& by appt. Contact: 803/238-2351 or e- dents Show. Opening Reception, Friday mail at (wroefs@sc.rr.com). Feb 2nd 6-10pm. Live music, libation, and good eats. Steal the bacon! John Mirandas South Carolina Artists Gallery, Dutch Square Mall, The Art Garage next to Belk, 421 Bush River Rd., 728 S Edisto Ave Columbia, SC 29205 Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 10am - http://www.myspace.com/_the_garage 9pm & Sun. 12:30pm-6pm. Contact: *UPCOMING SHOWS* 803/750-6750. Feb 9 Summer Hymns Lewis & Clark Gallery, 1231 Lincoln Folklore Street, Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fri., Feb 13 9am-6pm; Sat., 9am-3pm & by appt. Arrah and the Ferns Contact: 803/765-2405 or at Feb 22 (www.lewisandclarklamps.com). The Physics of Meaning The Teeth Lynne Burgess Studio, Five Points, March 3 2065 Blossom St., # 204, corner of The High Strung* Blossom & Harden, Columbia. Hours: by appt. only. Contact: 803/748-9400. The Art Shack Gallery & Supplies, 2701-A Rosewood McCrory Gallery 1276 Assembly st Dr., Columbia. Ongoing - A great selec400-1205 11am-7pm, tues, thurs, fri tion of outstanding original artworks by local Columbia area artists in all media McMaster Gallery as well as a small selection of specialty 1615 Senate St. 777-7408 art supplies. Art Classes available for all 9am-4:30pm mon-fri: 1-4pm Sun. ages through the Odyssey Art Center in *James Alexander: Installation. the back Studio. Hours: Tue.- Fri., January 16th-Feb 14. 10am-6pm & Sat., 10am-4pm. Contact: Mouse House, Inc., 2123 Park St. (his- 803/799-9409 or at (www.artshacktoric Elmwood Park), Columbia. gallery.com). Featuring original fibers and mixedmedia artwork by Susan Lenz. Hours: The Bus Stop Gallery, 2711 Millwood Mon.-Fri., 9:30am-5pm; some Sat., Ave. (red brick house behind Midas) cor10am-2pm. Contact: 803/254-0842 or ner of Millwood Ave. and Woodrow. e-mail at (mouse_house@prodigy.net). * Jan. 25 - Feb. 4 - Winter Show. Hours: Nobles Fine Art Gallery, 3300 Forest Mon.-Sat, 10am-6pm & Sun.,1-6 during Drive, Columbia. African-American art, the exhibit. Contact: Jan Swanson at originals, giclees, serigraphs, and litho- 803/360-6794 or at graphs. Also high quality African sculp- (www.busstopgallery.com). tures and handmade baskets. Hours: Tue.-Fri., 11am-6pm; & Sat., 10:30am- The Gallery at Nonnahs, 928 Gervais 5pm. Contact: 803-790-5892 or e-mail Street, Columbia. Hours: Lunch: M.-F., at (Cnoble3300@netzero.net). 11:30am-2pm; Evenings: M.-Th., 511pm; F., 5pm-12:30am; Sat., 6pmOne Eared Cow Glass Gallery & Studio, 12:30am. Contact: 803/779-9599. 1001 Huger St. Columbia. Handblown The Great Frame Up, 252-M Harbison glass by Tommy Lockart & Mark Blvd., Columbia . Specialists in custom Woodham, including perfume bottles, framing. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 10am-7pm. ornaments, vases, sculpture, bowls, Contact: 803/407-2156, e-mail at and paperweights. Hours: Mon.-Fri., (TGFUColumbia@bellsouth.net) or at 8am-5pm & Sat., 10am-4pm. Contact: (www.columbiasc.thegreatframeup.co 803/254-2444. m). The Hive Studio and Gallery, 3310 Harrison Rd., across from Zesto just off Forest Dr. Hours: Tue.-Fri., 1pm-6pm and by appt. Contact: 803/467-4112 or at (home.sc.rr.com/hivestudio/). USC McKissick Museum Top of the Horseshoe 777-7251 www.cla.sc.edu/mcks Vista Art & Frame, 1752 Airport Blvd., Cayce. Hours: M.-Thur., 10am-6pm; Fri., 10am-4pm; & Sat., 10am-2pm. Contact: 803/794-7252 or at (www.vistaart.com).

CREATIVITY

PHOTO BY SEAN RAYFORD NickOlesx-- wait...Oleszsku-- no, wait... Olcez-- Ah, forget it; Nick O relaxes at his recent art opening at the Red Tub.

The Nick O. interview


BY LAURA BROWN

On Feb. 6, City Paper staffers dropped by the Red Tub on State Street in West Columbia for the opening reception of Nick Oleszczuk's (Nick O) Doodle, Dreaming & Drinking art show. What we found was a bustling room full of great art and good times. After checking out Columbia artist Nick Os latest work, we stole a minute to sit down with him and chat. CITY PAPER: What do you think about Columbia? NICK O: I love the grittiness of it. You can walk around town and feel like your in the city but I don't feel like I am going to get lost. You can see people you know or recognize. And I also like the green aspects of it: youve got nature within a mile of you, the Riverwalk et cetera. And you can get out of the city fast if you feel like it. CITY PAPER: Whats your favorite libation? NICK O: It would have to be Baltic Ale. Maryanne introduced me to it. CITY PAPER: Do you listen to music when you work? NICK O: All the time. CITY PAPER: Any certain type of music? NICK O: No. I like being a connoisseur. I listen to everything. CITY PAPER: Whats your favorite color combo? NICK O: Red and black. Really powerful in a lot of ways. CITY PAPER: Some of your images, the edges and lines look almost digitally printed out, like by a computer. Can you explain your process a bit? NICK O: Some started out originally as drawings then I scanned the images into the computer. That allows me the ability to print multiples out and put them together in a sort of visual journal. Then I can paint over the original images. Dancing on Air [which sold that night] is something I played with. It started off with a printed background, completely abstract, then I laid out some printed images on top. CITY PAPER: Do you paint those (landscapes) in oils? NICK O: Watercolors. You know how watercolor is. They are watery, there's layers, transparencies, you've got to push that

to the maximum. And at a certain point I have to push it (landscape painting) aside and take a break. And what you see tonight is that frustration put to paper. Its an experience, a reflection upon what I have done for the last week or hour. Its a release. CITY PAPER: What would you say was your lifes defining moment? Death of a parent? Car wreck? NICK O: Well, I have some medical issues and recently my dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons, so I am kind of in between a rock and a hard place. Supposed to be genetic right? So will I reach old age? You know people always ask me, "Where do you find all this time to paint?" I work 40 hours a week as well as go to school. I tell them when you go out and drink, I paint. And I still make it out to have cocktails. I guess it is just "sleep very little. CITY PAPER: Have you had any other shows in Columbia? NICK O: Ive had a couple shows with R.A.G. (Rosewood Artists Guild). They are very accepting of everybody, kind of across the board. Some people are trained, some not so much. More older people, but they have brought experience. CITY PAPER: Do you do any other styles of painting? NICK O: Yes I also paint Architectural Landscapes. I have done portraits in the past. Very eclectic of what I want to do and learn. CITY PAPER: Do you do work on commission as well? NICK O: Yes, of course. CITY PAPER: Is the tan year round? (laughing) NICK O: Yep, I was born this way. So if you find yourself daydreaming in your cubicle and want a relaxing space to hang out in for a bit after work, stop by The Red Tub on State Street in the Vista West. The lighting is unbelievable and some of the best for viewing art in the area. They offer a diverse selection of cocktails, beers, plus a poetry/open mic night (Phoenix Tongue) most Wednesday nights. Not only does it have atmosphere, the owners Maryanne and Bill are huge supporters of the Columbia arts community. Any artists interested in showing their work should contact Maryanne at The Red Tub. FEBRUARY 14, 2007

Southern Pottery Workcenter & Gallery, Missing or want updated listing? Its 2771 Rosewood Dr., across from free e-mail lbrown@columbiacitypaPublix. Featuring pottery works by Ken per.com Baskin, Donna Craven, Jeremy Davis, Kim Ellington, Bruce Gholson, Samantha Henneke, David Hooker, SAVE LIVES Rocky Lewycky, Peter Lenzo, Karen Newgard, Mark Peters, Ron Philbeck, Virginia Scotchie, Gay Smith, David Stempfle, Ben Truesdale and Mike Vatalaro. Also - Offering adult and youth pottery classes. Hours: Tue.-Fri., 11am5pm & Sat., 10am-5pm. Contact 803/251-3001 or at (www.southernpottery.org).

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Ted Rall
Much abuse has been hurled at Halliburton and other well-connected contractors for overcharging and stealing from the people of Iraq and American taxpayers alike-and rightly so. But focusing on the contractors is a dangerous distraction. War profiteers are mere bit players in one of the biggest con jobs ever-- the war itself. In 2003, when Saddam statues were falling over and the wise white men of Washington (and one fake black woman) still thought they had a prayer of finding WMDs, the Bush Administration was burning through $4.4 billion a month on Iraq. Now even the most rabid neocons have abandoned their dreams of finding the weapons, planting the seeds of democracy or even restoring electricity, let alone preserving Iraq's territorial integrity. And yet the deficit spending has doubled, to $8.4 billion in Iraq and $1.3 billion in Afghanistan. The more we pay the worse it gets. Iraq is a scam that Tony Soprano could only dream of. Through their representatives in Congress, arms dealers and energy companies have convinced us to waste our wealth on a war we no longer believe in. As a result we Americans, citizens of the wealthiest nation on the planet, are living like Third Worlders. Some people, i.e. 6 billion people who live in other, poorer, countries, think it's funny. I find it bizarre. Economist David Leonhardt notes some rarelymentioned hidden costs of Bush's misadventure, such as the "gas tax that the war has effectively imposed on American families" in the form of the increase in oil prices from $30 to $50 a barrel. Killing 600,000 Iraqis didn't come cheap; our military occupation troops have already blown up $100 billion in equipment and projectiles. All that materiel will have to be replaced. And don't forget $250 billion for disability payments and medical care for thousands of veterans who left body parts behind. Leonhardt "didn't even attempt to put a monetary value on the more than 3,000 American deaths in the war." And why should he? After all, the government doesn't value them. What if we left Iraq tomorrow--no troop "surge," no peace with honor, no Iraqization? Even an immediate cutand-run would leaves us holding a $1.2 trillion tab--with nothing to show for it. (That's the optimistic view. Aside from the financial debt, the war's likely legacy is negative: weakened alliances, weakened international influence, being targeted by terrorists.) What else might we have done with the $1.2 trillion we've wasted on the war, asks Leonhardt? Or with the $8.4 billion a month that's still being spent? He'd shift it to the even less winnable war, the one against Afghanistan. His is a dumb answer to a good question.

editorial
PULITZER PRIZE FINALIST

THE GOVERNMENT'S $8 BILLION A MONTH CON JOB


The Health Coverage Coalition for the Uninsured, a coalition of business and consumer groups, doctors, hospitals and insurance companies recently calculated that they could provide free healthcare for half of America's 47 million uninsured people with less than one-tenth of what we're currently spending on Iraq. Universal healthcare--flash a card, see a doctor and receive meds for free--would run less than half of what we've spent creating an Iranian-backed Shiite theocracy in Iraq. Alternatively, we could put an end to our shameful status as the only industrialized nation with a system of for-profit higher education. Divvy up $200 billion a year among America's 16.7 million college students and you get almost $12,000 each--which happens to be the average cost of tuition, fees and housing at a four-year college or university. The trickle-up effect of freeing parents and college grads of the burden of student loan debt could give a significant boost to our consumer-driven economy. Aside from the economic benefits of earlier and bigger purchases of first homes and automobiles by young adults, there would be social dividends as debt-free twentysomethings eschewed the rat race in favor of idealistic careers as teachers and Peace Corps workers. Or we could take a more direct approach: government subsidies of first-home purchasers. A new GI Bill for college graduates could reward their hard work with a check for a cool $75,000 each, to be put toward a downpayment on a new house. That's over 25 percent of the price of an average home sale. Goodbye, housing slump! Conservatives, the old-school kind, would argue that it would be better not to spend that $200 billion at all, whether on a pointless war or on social programs, no matter how worthwhile. Balanced budget ber alles, and all that. I write "would" because it's damned near impossible to find an old-school conservative these days, particularly among the Congressmen who get to decide how to waste our money. The guys who pass for "conservative" now are the neocon psychos who got us into Iraq and Afghanistan in the first place. The government is going to spend us into debt no matter what. If we're going to mortgage our children's future, shouldn't it be on something that makes their lives better? (Ted Rall is the author of "Silk Road to Ruin: Is Central Asia the New Middle East?," an in-depth prose and graphic novel analysis of America's next foreign policy challenge.) talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

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FEBRUARY 14, 2007

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FEBRUARY 14, 2007

Dericspoils the movie MOVIETIMES


NICKELODEON THEATRE 937 Main Street, 803.254.8234 REGAL CINEMA 7 COLUMBIA 3400 Forest Drive, Suite 3000. (800) 3263264 x347 Music and Lyrics 1:40 I 4:40 I 7:40 I 10:00 Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little 1:05 I 1:30 I 4:05 I 4:30 I 7:00 I 7:30 I 9:40 I 10:10 Because I Said So 1:10 I 4:25 I 7:15 I 9:45 The Messengers1:45 I 4:20 I 7:35 I 10:05 Stomp the Yard 1:35 I 4:30 I 7:20 I 9:55

sponsored by
Night at the Museum (12:40), (3:50), 6:50, 9:30 Norbit (12:20), 4:30, 7:10, 9:40 Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls Rated PG-13, 1 hr 35 min Buy Tickets: (12:50), 4:20, 8:00, 10:20 REGAL SANDHILL STADIUM 16 450 Town Center Place(803) 736-1811 BreachNEW (PG-13) 11:40am I 2:05 I 4:30 I 7:20 I 10:00 Bridge to TerabithiaNEW (PG, No Passes) 11:40am I 12:10 I 2:10 I 2:40 I 4:40 I 5:10 I 7:10 I 7:40 I 9:40 I 10:10 Ghost RiderNEW (PG-13, No Passes) 11:30am I 1:00 I 2:10 I 4:15 I 4:45 I 7:00 I 7:30 I 9:45 I 10:15 Music and LyricsNEW (PG-13) 12:10 I 2:30 I 5:00 I 7:30 I 10:00

1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 10:00 Casino Royale (PG-13) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:10 I 10:00

FEBRUARY 13-19 TUESDAY - MONDAY Showtimes nightly at 7:00 & 9:00 COLUMBIANA GRANDE CINEMAS (3:00 matinee Wednesday, Saturday, 1250 Bower Parkway (803) 407-9898 Sunday) JONESTOWN: THE LIFE AND DEATH OF Breach (2:00), (4:30), 7:05, 9:45 PEOPLE'S TEMPLE Bridge to Terabithia (1:30), (2:20), (4:10), (4:50), 6:50, 7:30, 9:15, 10:10 Catch and Release 7:25, 10:05 Ghost Rider (12:20), (2:10), (2:50), (4:40), (5:30), 7:20, 8:00, 10:00, 10:40 Hannibal Rising (12:45), (1:40), (3:20), (5:15), 8:20, 9:30 Last King of Scotland, The (1:15), (4:15), 7:15, 10:15 Letters From Iwo Jima 12:35), (3:35)

SMOKIN ACES (2007)


Aces isnt the only thing the makers of this film were smokin Mob boss Primo Sparazza is one of the few remaining members of the Cosa Nostra with any real sway. Therefore, when he puts out a hit on one of his former protgs, Buddy Aces Israel (Jeremy Piven), everyone is rushing for a piece of the action. The men Sparazza hired are after him for his heart, the FBI wants him for his testimony, other mafiosos want to ransom him, a bail bondsman wants to bring him in, and a ragtag bunch of competing assassins all want the one million dollar bounty placed on Aces. Enter Richard Messner (Ryan Reynolds) and Donald Carruthers (Ray Liotta), starring as two FBI agents trying to reach Aces before the assassins can, per the orders of their director (played by Andy Garcia.) Rounding out the motley crew of hitmen are Pasqual Acosta (demented and ruthless), Soot (a master of disguise), The Tremor Brothers (psychotic Neo-nazis), Georgia Sykes and Sharice Watters (two lesbian hitwomen), and Jack Dupree and his associates (former cops now working as bondsmen). From here out the movie spins into oblivion as The Tremor Brothers kill Dupree and his bondsmen, Acosta kills Carruthers, then shoots Sykes, Watters kills a bunch of cops (believing Sykes dead), Soot kills Aces bodyguard, The Tremors kill a slew of people with two of them dying, Carruthers isnt really dead but then really dies, and then Duprees buddy who we thought died, yet didnt really, comes back and kills the remaining Tremor. Still with me? Good. Now for the spoiler to end all spoilers! (I wish!) It is revealed that Primo Sparazzo is really an FBI mole who was implanted in the mob years before. When it was believed he had flipped, the FBI took him out. In reality, he didnt die, and assumed his fake persona as a real identity. Buddy Aces Israel is Sparazzos son, and he wants his sons heart for a transplant to keep him alive since his own is failing. The FBI feels that this transplant is beneficial to their knowledge, and the director seeks to make it happen behind the backs of Agents Messner and Carruthers. Aghast with the FBI directors disregard for the life of his partner and all the other officers killed, Messner enters the transplant room, locks the door, and pulls the plug on Aces and Sparazzo, killing them both. Yeah, its CRAZY. Now heres the rub Smokin Aces is a pathetic attempt to recreate the style and feel of such hits as Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction. Stylized, yes, but in an incoherent fashion. Ben Affleck shouldnt even be considered a star in this film as he is killed off within the first 20 minutes. The entire intro of the movie is spent explaining so many different characters that the viewer is immediately pummeled with information overload, and for what? What is billed as a comedic action flick essentially becomes one giant clusterf--k of a mangled plotline, excessive characters, and a mish-mash of direction styles. Ryan Reynolds shows promise as a leading man in a non-comedic role, yet this film reveals that hes not quite grown up yet. Smokin Aces is a thoroughly dissatisfying movie experience as the film lacks the character and depth of any film that could be considered one of its contemporaries (of which there are few since it is so bad). Joe Carnahan, you are not Quentin Tarantino. This movie blows. Period. Smokin Aces (2007) starring Ben Affleck, Ray Liotta, Jeremy Piven, Ryan Reynolds, Andy Garcia and Alicia Keys is directed by Joe Carnahan and rated R for strong bloody violence, pervasive language, some nudity and drug use

Opening in Wide Release This Week Hannibal Rising Synopsis: Silence of the Lambs; the beginning. Prediction: A Hanibal Lecter movie without Anthony Hopkins? OK, see it anyways. Norbit Synopsis: Starring Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, andEddie Murphy. Prediction: Eddie Murphy at what he does best: fart and fat jokes. Also Playing This Week: Because I Said So X Synopsis: A sweet yet domineering mother is determined to find a husband for her youngest daughter. Verdict: You might as well rent Steel Magnolias and buy a box of Tampax while youre at itseriously. Blood and Chocolate X Synopsis: Werewolves fall in love, too! Verdict: Didnt you hear? Werewolves are the new vampires this year. Catch and Release X Synopsis: Jennifer Garner in the feel good event of the year! Verdict: Jennifer Garner has a man-chin. There, I said it in print. Now pay up. The Hitcher X Synopsis: A serial killer blames his attacks on a young man he constantly torments. Verdict: Horror remakes suckexcept for The Omen; that rocked. The Messengers X Synopsis: A family moves into an old sunflower farm,and their father begins acting strangely. Verdict: See if you can decipher this message: emal si eivom siht. Good job. The Pursuit of Happyness Synopsis: A homeless single father becomes a successful stock broker. Verdict: Yeah, get you an Academy Award Will Smith. The Queen X Synopsis: Britains Royal Family after 1997s death of Princess Diana. Verdict: I would rather trace the lineage of the Queens Welsh corgis than see this film. Stomp the Yard X Synopsis: A troubled dancer learns the meaning of brotherhood by joining a fraternity. Verdict: Automatic, supersonic, hypnotic, funky-freshlet me see you one, two, step? (no.) Tyler Perrys Daddys Little Girls X Synopsis: A poor single father woos a successful attorney as he tries to keep his daughters. Verdict: Unless you live in the Bible Belt... oh, wait Classic Movie Spoiler: Jersey Girl (2004) Synopsis: Ben Affleck is Ollie Trinke, a struggling father who lost his wife in childbirth, and his job shortly thereafter. Moving home to New Jersey from Manhattan to live with his father (George Carlin) he struggles to rebuild his life to the way it was before the birth of his daughter. Spoiler: Ollie decides to miss his big job interview so that he can star in his daughters school play with her and prove his life is now being devoted to her.

Norbit (12:25), (1:50), (3:00), (4:20), (5:20), 7:00, 7:40, 9:20, 10:35 Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little GirlsNEW (PG13) 12:00 I 12:30 I 2:20 I 2:50 I 4:50 I 5:20 I Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno) 7:20 I 7:50 I 9:50 I 10:20 6:55 Hannibal RisingNEW (R) CARMIKE WYNNSONG 10 - COLUMBIA Queen, The (12:40), (3:05), (5:35) 1:00 I 4:20 I 7:10 I 10:05 5320 Forest Drive. (803) 782-7744 Smokin' Aces 7:55, 10:25 NorbitNEW (PG-13) Breach 1:45 I 4:30 I 7:15 I 9:45 Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls 11:45am I 12:15 I 2:15 I 2:45 I 4:40 I 5:10 I Bridge to Terabithia 1:05 I 3:20 I 5:35 I 7:45 I (12:30), (2:15), (3:10), (4:45), (5:25), 7:10, 7:15 I 7:45 I 9:50 I 10:20 7:50, 9:40, 10:20 9:55 Because I Said So (PG-13) 2:25 I 4:55 I 7:25 I 9:55 Ghost Rider 1:00 I 1:30 I 3:25 I 4:15 I 5:50 I AMC DUTCH SQUARE 14 7:00 I 8:15 I 9:30 I 10:40 800 Bush River Rd., Columbia, SC,(803) The Messengers (PG-13) 750-3576 12:20 I 2:35 I 4:50 I 7:40 I 10:15 Hannibal Rising 1:45 I 4:30 I 7:10 I 9:50 Night at the Museum 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:10 I 9:50 Norbit 1:00 I 1:30 I 3:25 I 4:15 I 5:50 I 7:00 I BreachNEW (PG-13, No Passes) 2:00 I 4:30 I 7:30 I 10:15 8:15 I 9:30 I 10:35 Smokin' Aces (R) 1:25 I 4:20 I 7:10 I 9:50 Dreamgirls (PG-13) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 10:00 Bridge to TerabithiaNEW (PG, No Passes) 1:50 I 4:10 I 7:10 I 9:30 Epic Movie (PG-13) 12:40 I 2:50 I 8:00 Smokin' Aces (R) 5:00 I 10:10 Dreamgirls (PG-13) 4:15 I 10:20

Ghost RiderNEW (PG-13, No Passes) 1:45 I 2:30 I 4:20 I 5:00 I 7:00 I 7:45 I 9:30 I Pan's Labyrinth (R) 1:10 I 4:35 I 7:20 I 10:00 10:20 CARMIKE CINEMAS 14 122 Afton Court.(803) 781-3067 Music and LyricsNEW (PG-13) 1:00 I 1:30 I 3:25 I 4:00 I 5:50 I 7:00 I 8:15 I 9:45 I 10:4 The Last Sin EaterNEW (PG-13) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 9:50 Because I Said So (PG-13) 1:30 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:30 The Messengers (PG-13) 1:30 I 3:40 I 5:50 I 7:30 I 8:00 I 9:40 I 10:10 Epic Movie (PG-13) 1:00 I 3:05 I 5:15 I 7:20 I 9:30 Dreamgirls (PG-13) 12:50 I 4:20 I 7:20 I 10:10 Alpha Dog (R) 7:10 I 9:40 Arthur and the Invisibles (PG) 1:45 I 4:40 Stomp the Yard (PG-13) 12:45 I 3:20 I 5:55 I 8:30 Happily N'Ever After (PG) 1:00 I 3:10 I 5:20 Notes on a Scandal (R) 1:20 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:35 Night at the Museum (PG) 1:30 I 4:30 I 7:30 I 9:55 Blood Diamond (R)

Stomp the Yard (PG-13) Music and LyricsNEW (PG-13, No Passes) 12:50 I 7:35 2:20 I 4:50 I 7:40 I 10:00 Night at the Museum (PG) Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little GirlsNEW (PG- 11:30am I 2:00 I 4:35 I 7:05 I 9:35 13, 1:30 I 2:15 I 3:50 I 4:45 I 6:30 I 7:15 I 9:00 I 9:45 ST. ANDREWS ROAD MULTI CINEMAS Hannibal RisingNEW (R, No Passes) 527 St. Andrews Road 772-7469 1:50 I 4:40 I 7:30 I 10:10 The Departed2hr 30min - Rated R NorbitNEW (PG-13, No Passes) 2:15 5:00 7:45 2:00 I 4:30 I 7:00 I 9:40 Eragon Because I Said So (PG-13) 1hr 39min - Rated PG 2:10 I 5:00 I 7:40 I 10:05 2:05 4:10 7:30 9:25 The Messengers (PG-13) 2:15 I 4:45 I 7:15 I 9:20 Epic Movie (PG-13) 9:50 Smokin' Aces (R) 4:05 I 9:15 Dreamgirls (PG-13) 1:30 I 4:15 I 7:05 I 10:00 Stomp the Yard (PG-13) 1:40 I 6:30 Night at the Museum (PG) 1:40 I 4:10 I 7:20 PASTIME PAVILION CINEMA 8 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington, SC, 29072 (803) 951-3603 Because I Said So (1:00), 4:50, 7:50, 10:15 Hannibal Rising (1:10), 4:10, 7:20, 10:10
FEBRUARY 14, 2007

Flushed Away 1hr 26min - Rated PG 2:30 4:25 7:10 9:00 The Holiday 2hr 16min - Rated PG-13 2:00 4:30 7:00 9:20 Open Season 1hr 40min - Rated PG 2:10 4:00 7:20 9:10

CALL THEATER TO CONFIRM SHOWTIMES AND VISIT


columbiacitypaper.com

FOR UPDATED LISTINGS

17

BLAME CANADA!
Alexisonfire known to dine on space tea and space cake

Tom Gabel, Against Me! and their Guinness-drinking cowboy punk rock will perform at Headliners Music Hall on Saturday, Feb. 24. The bands major label debut, New Wave is scheduled for release this Spring. Above: Gabel loses touch at the Warped Tour in Charlotte in 2006. Below: Bassist Andrew Seward declares his love for Condoleezza Rice at Warped Tour last year.

Top: Alexisonfire drummer Jordan "Ratbeard" Hastings slams the skins in January at Headliners Music Hall in Columbias Vista while on tour with Senses Fail and Saosin. Below: Vocalist George Pettit rocks the cut-off jeans on stage, the latest Canadian fashion trend to replace the mullet.

Drinking Irish in Columbia on Feb. 24


STORY AND PHOTOS BY SEAN RAYFORD
I assume that fans like our band because they enjoy the songs we write both musically and lyrically, says Tom Gabel, head honcho of Gainesville, Floridas Against Me! Hopefully they identify and feel a connection and they dig the tunes. I know thats why I like the bands that I listen to. Climbing the proverbial ladder of political punk rock, Against Me! has ascended to a strange place attempting to balance their DIY ethics and their insanely growing popularity. Fans have second guessed and criticized the band as they slowly rose from obscurity to their latest signing with Sire Records. If for some reason our decision to put out records with Sire affected someone's view on us then I would love to hear their reason's why, Gabel says. Id be willing to answer any questions they have. Like a lot of punk rock acts its been a long haul for Against Me! towards their current level of popularity. Gabel started playing solo shows 10 years ago in Naples and eventually relocated to the Florida Gator town where the band began to take shape, at one point playing a show at a laundry room in the medium-sized college town. It was at one of the apartment complexes that is mainly rented by college kids here in town, says Gabel. I think Mikey Hotsauce set the show up. It was completely guerrilla style. The cops came at one point during the show. They didn't shut it down, which was surprising. I remember that one of the cops spoke in pig latin as he was leaving. My mind was blown. Currently the band is in the final stages of their major label debut titled New Wave, produced by Butch Vig who is mostly known for his work on Nirvanas Nevermind in 1991. Butch was one of the first producers suggested and the only one we talked to when we started approaching time to make some real decisions about recording the new album. At first we thought it was a long shot that he would be interested. When we found out he was, in my mind, there was no doubt. We think the record will speak for itself, Gabel says. The bands upcoming tour, which technically will be in support of their live album, will bring the bands cowboyinfused folk/punk rock to Columbia Feb. 28, but Gabel says the band will be playing three to four new songs each night. We wish we could play only new songs. They are fun to play, he says. For Gabel, the bands current explosion towards the mainstream has been completely surprising and he and the band are just enjoying the ability to play music full time. I love what I do. I would never take it for granted. I wouldn't trade it for the world, he says. Playing music is the most important thing in my life. Against Me! will perform at Headliners Music Hall Saturday Feb. 28. Dan Sartain and Fake Problems will provide opening support. Doors open at 7:30 p.m. and advance tickets are $12 available through etix.com.

AGAINST ME!

STORY AND PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEAN RAYFORD


Only four hours outside of their hometown of Saint Catherines, Ontario, Alexisonfire (pronounced Alexis on Fire) broke down on the road en route to their first major tour. We broke down in Shitville, Nowhere, says guitarist/vocalist Dallas Green. At the time, the members of Alexisonfire ranged in age from 17-21. They called one members parents and used all of their back-up savings for the tour to tow their van back home. Unfazed by their poor luck they rented a new vehicle, got back on the road and missed only one show. Some bands these days claim to be slaves to the open highway and North America. Alexisonfire is more akin to Mad Max and Beyond Thunderdome. We probably tour ten months of the year, says guitarist Wade MacNeil. We've started kind of being relatively nomadic. It's real bittersweet. You're on tour and you want to be at home sometimes and when you're home you want to be on tour. I don't know. We love it and it's definitely really cool. It's a good way to see the world and you meet a lot of like minded people. Their road warrior attitude is slowly paying off. Alexisonfires most recent full length Crisis debuted at number one on the Canadian charts. But who cares about Canada? Theyve traveled across the Atlantic to the Old World to spread jean-short sporting screamo. While in Amsterdam the band enjoyed using the random outhouse type facilities on the streets. Pretty much right out in the open where you can huddle and take a leak. Aside from the outdoor pissers the guys managed to take advantage of more traditional Amsterdamenities. I had some space tea and a space cake and a bunch of hash, says MacNeil. We all got on the bus and lost our minds. Just gripped the walls of the bus and didnt talk to each other, says bassist Chris Steele. Steele is the prime motivating force behind every Alexisonfire performance. Before each set the band huddles together and partakes in a group cheer that originates from the Whoa, Bundy! cheer made famous by shoe salesman Al Bundy and the television series Married With Children. We've been doing a seventeen minutes chant. Like SEVENTEEN MIN-UTES! It's usually two weird words picked by our bass player Chris who is either absolutely insane or completely brilliant, says MacNeil. Last night it was like 'Soaring Cheetah' or something that didn't make sense at all, says Green. After hanging out with the band for a while you start to form an impression that Steele who is the youngest member of the band is that goofy dude-- or just misunderstood by most. The night before in North Carolina he was involved in a wrestling match that resulted in a bloody nose and bruised ribs. Once, while in Indianapolis he purchased a cheap bottle of liquor and drank it until he developed a rash just as the bums do while scouring around their trash can fires. And then he gets the rash and we go to Las Vegas and he keeps drinking it. He KEEPS drinking the rashy booze, says MacNeil. Steele has a side project called the Smoking Bowls and another special project called the Vortex Moneymaker, which he speaks of in a rap and article titled Chris Steele's Wacky Wild Animal Kingdom. Wikipedia reports that one of Steeles favorite foods is Long Island iced tea and he enjoys watercolor painting and cruising at dusk. Whatever, dude. For these Canucks, Americans arent much different than their brethren isolationists. The kids here in the punk rock/hardcore scene are pretty much the same everywhere. They just want to come out to a show, jump around, pull out some crazy dance moves and smoke cigarettes. The main difference being that lot of Americans don't know as much about Canada as Canadians know about America.

FEBRUARY 14

19

WEDNESDAY FEB. 14 New Brookland Tavern 7:30 p.m. WUSC and Columbia City Paper present: Joe Machado (Guitar Show), A Coat For Joe and Marian Carter Art Bar Valentines LOVE IN, LOVE OUT Complimentary champagne and chocolate, Red Hot Video Wall and dancing to music by Art Bar Wacky Wednesday Trivia at Jillians 7:30 p.m. THURSDAY FEB. 15 New Brookland Tavern 8 p.m. The Fossil Record, The Futerists,On or Off?! and Public Radio Headliners 8 p.m. Deerhoof, Harlem Shakes $8 advance, $10 at the door Jillians 6 p.m. The Fantastic Shakers Americas finest showband. FRIDAY FEB. 16 Headliners 8 p.m. Seven Mary Three $15 in advance, $17 at the door Jammin Java Coffee and Christianity. Bring your own City Paper, they dont carry us. Art Bar iPop with DJ Adolphson New Brookland Tavern 5 p.m. Red September, Meant to be Morbid and Headfirst for Halos Jillians 9 p.m. LIxx - 80s music

SATURDAY FEB. 17 Headliners 7 p.m. Emergenza Festival $10 in advance and $15 at the doo New Brookland Tavern 6p.m. White Light Complex, Snapshots and Streetlights Hardcore/metal Corner Pocket D.B. Bryant SUNDAY FEB. 18 New Brookland Tavern 5:30 p.m. sequoyah Prep School, Byr Lady, Theif New Brookland Tavern 9 p.m. Zach Fowler and The Essentials MONDAY FEB. 19 Turn off your cell phone, unplug your computer, put away your iPod, skip class and do something cool. Or dont because we all know that you and your friends and your inside jokes and your little scene are all that really matters. TUESDAY FEB. 20 CJS 9:30 p.m. Karaoke WEDNESDAY FEB. 21 Art bar Mr. Bs Goodtime Karaoke McCarys Karaoke New Brookland Tavern 7 p.m. Discover America, The Dark romantics, Austin Crane, American Film Indie/Alternative Hedliners 8 p.m. Virginia Coalition, Jag Star

Wild Wings (in the Vista) Cookie THURSDAY FEB. 22 New Brookland Tavern 7 p.m. Cities Apart, Kid Gib, Crash Romeo, Minutes Too Far, The Decade Headliners 8 p.m. Decyfer Down, Everything After $10 in advance, $12 at the door Wild Wing Cafe Live music with Tokyo Joe FRIDAY FEB. 23 Art Bar Delirium Tribal Bellydance Company 9 p.m. Headliners DJ Pauly Paul, DJ Relapse, M-80, COSMO, DJ Heirs New Brookland Tavern 10 p.m. Quickfuse, Order In Ruin, Chairleg Colonial Center Winter Jam Tour Britt Nicole, Hawk Nelson, Jeremy Camp, NewSong, Sanctus Real, Steven Curtis Chapman SATURDAY FEB. 24 Headliners 7. 30 p.m. AGAINST ME!, Dan Sartain, Fake Problems $12 in advance and $15 at the door. Dont miss it. Art Bar Hot Lava Monster - Led Zep tribute New Brookland Tavern 5:30 p.m. Division By Zero, TBA Idie/Rock

SUNDAY FEB. 25 New Brookland Tavern 10 p.m. NON STOP HIP HOP LIVE MONDAY FEB. 26 Stay home and read a book. TUESDAY FEB. 27 CJS 9:30 p.m. Karaoke WEDNESDAY FEB. 28 New Brookland Tavern 6 p.m. NEW MUSIC NIGHT TheBand, Five Ways to Friday, Dr. Harry Woo, Goodby Bluefly, The Breaking Ascent, Eddies Cookouts are Dangerous

Art Bar 1211 Park St. 803.929.0198 CJs 749 Saluda Ave. Delaneys 741 Saluda Ave. 803.779.2345 Headliners 700 Gervais St. 803.796.2333 Hunter Gatherer 900 Main St. 803.748.0540 Jillians 800 Gervais St.803.779.7789 Macs on Main 1710 Main St. New Brookland Tavern 122 State St. 803.791.4413

ROADTRIP
CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA
Tuesday, Feb. 20 - Music Farm The Wailers Wednesday, Feb. 28 - Music Farm POISON THE WELL The End This Is Hell

CARRBORO, NORTH CAROLINA


Wednesday, Feb. 14 - Cats Cradle EPITAPH TOUR (same as Charlotte roster) Friday, Feb. 16 - Cat;s Cradle THE WAILERS

ATHENS, GEORGIA
Wednesday Feb. 14 - 40 Watt Club KOUFAX Thursday, Feb. 15 - georgia Theater SiSTER HAZEL Thursday, Feb. 22 - 40 Watt Club AGAINST ME!

NEWBERRY, SOUTH CAROLINA


Friday, Feb. 23 - Newberry Opera House TOM RUSH Saturday, Feb. 23 - Blue Moon Saloon D.B. Bryant

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA


Saturday, Feb. 17 - The Pour House Music Hall The Urban Sophisticates Saturday, Feb. 17 - Lincoln Theater Yonder Mountain String Band Friday, Feb. 23 - The Pour House Music Hall Wrinkle Neck Mules

ASHEVILLE, NC
Wednesday, Feb. 14 - Stella Blue Outformation Thursday, Feb. 15 - Grey Eagle Jonathon Richman Tuesday, Feb. 20 - Orange Peel MASTADON Tuesday, Feb. 20 - Grey Eagle Firecracker Jazz Band Tuesday, Feb. 20 - Grey Eagle Luminecent Orchestrii

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA


Friday Feb. 16 - Tremont Music Hall EPITAPH TOUR Escape The Fate, I Am The Ghost, The Higher, The Matches Wednesday, Feb. 21 - Tremont Music Hall AnBerlin, Bayside Thursday Feb. 22 - Amos Southlans MASTADON

SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA


Friday, Feb. 16 - Ground Zero WALLS OF JERICHO, 36 Crazy Fists, Dead to Fall, In This Moment, Kittie, The Greencards Wednesday, Feb. 28 - Ground Zero Unearth

ATLANTA, GEORGIA
Friday, Feb. 16 - The Loft at Center Stage EVERCLEAR Saturday, Feb. 17 - Tabernacle GUSTER

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FEBRUARY 14, 2007

1,300 BANDS IN ONE WEEKEND


South by Southwest unveils details for 3 days of rock

John Nolan of former Victory recording artists Straylight Run performs at the New Brookland Tavern in November of 2003. Straylight Run and over 1,300 acts will be performing at the 2007 South by Southwest festival in Austin, TX. PHOTO BY SEAN RAYFORD

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT NOTES


The entire world watched during halftime of the Super Bowl as Prince rocked through his rain-soaked medley including covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival, Bob Dylan, and the Foo Fighters. The latter of which resulted in plenty of is he covering the Foo Fighters? statements. Yes folks, Prince was covering Best of You, which is quite strange because Prince publicly complained when the Foos covered his Darling Nikki and blocked it's release in North America. He even told Entertainment Weekly that the Foo Fighters should write their own songs. Foo Drummer Taylor Hawkins couldn't figure out why Prince chose the song; if he actually liked it a lot or was just sending them a big middle finger. The great city of Boston has decided to rape itself of a music scene when it recently imposed an 11 p.m. curfew on everyone under the age of 21. The curfew applies to any venue that features live music or DJs which often rely heavily on the support of under 21s. Hey Boston- screw you! South by Southwest (celebrating its 21st anniversary in Austin, Texas) has made it's preliminary lineup announcement boasting over 1,300 showcasing acts. Against Me!, Apples in Stereo, Armor for Sleep, Badly Drawn Boy, Bloc Party, Blonde Redhead, The Bravery,

BY SEAN RAYFORD

BEST OF FOO

The Colour Revolt, Daughters, Erase Errata, The Faint, The Forecast, Grand Buffet, Hayseed Dixie, The Honorary Title, Junior Senior, Les Claypool, Limbeck, Lucero, Mastodon, Meat Puppets, Melee, Peaches, Rjd2, Rocket Summer, Sahara Hotnights, Duncan Sheik, Clem Snide, Spoon, The Stooges, Straylight Run, Steaming Wolf Penis, These Arms are Snakes, Turbonegro, Rocky Votolato, Young Widows and Youth Brigade are some of the over 1,300 bands playing the festival, held March 14-18. In what seemed like eons ago I remember a member of Every Time I Die tearing my old music zine, The Whipping Post into shreds on a warm summer day in Louisville, KY. I had written about how their labelmates From Autumn to Ashes were much better nudie photo hunt players. That dude was pissed. In somewhat related news ETID has reportedly begun work on a reality based mockumentary with Fast Shoes Production and the Endeavor Agency (a talent agency that represents Tina Fey, Adam Sandler and Jude Law). In addition, in March the band heads into the studio to record a new record with producer Steve Evetts. The Police have announced tour dates for the first tour in 23 years highlighted with a headlining performance in Manchester, TN at Bonnaroo on June 16.

HOLY HARDCORE REALITY SHOW

NO MORE GOOD BANDS OUT OF BOSTON

STEAMING WOLF PENIS, OH MY!

THE FIVE-O NFILTRATE BONNAROO MUSIC FESTIVAL

Music REVIEW

DIGNAN, THE GUEST


JANUARY 2006 BEARDED BEAUTY RECORDS

With The Guest, Dignan has crafted the most delightful indie rock record since Colour Revolt's self-titled EP. The Guest is seductive and addicting. Dim the lights, light a cigar and snag your favorite blend. Sony must have had this record in mind when they created the repeat all button on the Discman. This Texan six piece uses space better that Buck Rogers. Charming vocals layered with sprinkles of horns, keys and the xylophone take you on a journey through an ornate sonic landscape. This six piece from the border town of McAllen, Texas churns out compositions (not just songs) somehow incorporating a less is more attitude. Each instrument enters and exits with flawless timing as the vocals dance and intertwine with the orchestrations. Your head nods, your foot twitches

and as each track progresses your attention focuses more and more on every part of each song. You want to dissect each note and you wonder how they do it. What's their writing process? You sing along even when you don't know any words and you dare others around you to listen and not fall in love with this record. Just when you think you've got Dignan figured out they throw you for another unexpected loop tossing in female and gang vocals. Eating pizza and sharing pitchers of beer with Ben Gibbard, The Arcade Fire, The Weakerthans and Ben Bridwell The Guest should easily launch Dignan into indie rock stardom. A year from now you may not be able to escape from the attention afforded to this band. -SEAN RAYFORD
FEBRUARY 14

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FEBRUARY 14, 2007

Hooters Uncovered
City Paper celebrates 16th birthday with Hooters beauties

PHOTO BY SEAN RAYFORD Hooters waitresses Nicole MacLean and Tarah Coatney chat with a customer Monday night at the Hooters Harbison location on Fernandina Road. Visit columbiacitypaper.com for a photo slideshow from the Monday evening at Hooters.

BY JOE FOTALLATTE To say I anticipated buxom waitresses on my first visit to Hooters would be an understatement. As far as Im concerned, the first three letters of the alphabet have no place on any cup there. I envisioned bazookas barely contained by cotton and clasp, maybe an errant chest to accidentally spill my drink. I expected a sound like gallon jugs sloshing when she giggled and bounced over to the table with my hot wings as every shirt seam fought to hold; headlights the size of tea saucers showing through in silent defiance. No server should have to put the ink pen behind her ear at Hooters is all Im saying. A local female bookstore owner believes the restaurant chain unintentionally misleads the public with false promises. Hardly any of the waitresses have hooters! she exclaimed. The chain acknowledges that many consider Hooters a slang term for a portion of the female anatomy. According to the chain, Hooters does have an owl inside its logo and uses an owl theme sufficiently to allow debate to occur over the meaning's intent. The chain enjoys and benefits from this debate. In the end, we hope Hooters means a great place to eat. Right. DECEPTIVE ADVERTISING? DECEPTIVE WAITRESSES? OR LOVE AMONG THE CHILI FRIES? A source close to the Harbison Hooters detailed the many deceptions waitresses will perpetrate on male customers. Many waitresses will pretend they have boyfriends or are engaged in order to deceive male customers so that they wont bother them outside of providing a great meal, the source revealed. Others accuse the waitresses of taking measures as extreme as wearing fake engagement ringscalled Man Be Gone Rings in the industryto intentionally deceive undesirable males. As a reporter with uncompromising standards and ethics, it was important that I witness some of these allegations first hand. When I arrived at Hooters, several beautiful young Hooters girls greeted me. Many may not live up to the name but it turned out that our waitress Hanna indeed puts the H in Hooters. I ordered the quesadilla and was tempted by the famous wings but was hesitant to make a mess of myself in front of the blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty. Hanna was sweet and intelligent and sat down with us to tell stories about growing up riding horses. She said some other stuff too, but I wasnt really paying attention after the image of her in slo-mo on a wild stallion in her orange Hooters shorts floated softly through my head. I stared off into the distance and chewed absently as she talked, strings of cheese no doubt hanging from my mouth. God, she was incredible. I had to know more about her. Hanna then proceeded to tell me that she was engaged to be married. But the way she had asked for my drink order... there was definite chemistry. I thought I might still have a chance. She told us that her fianc had proposed to her on the beach and I noticed a dinky ring on her finger. She deserves so much better and I imagined the rock I would have picked out for her.

We talked and laughed every time she refilled my drink or brought me more napkins. It was odd she didn't have any of the wedding details finalized and it gave me further hope that maybe it wouldn't work out with her fianc. After she cleared my quesadilla basket I excused myself to the mens room to drop a quick deuce and work out my strategy before she took our desert order. While I was in the bathroom my dining companion played the classic restaurant gag, telling our waitress that it was my 16th birthday. I guess maybe he also told them I had a degenerative disease to explain away the 14-year age discrepancy. All the waitresses came over to the table and forced me to a lone chair in the center of the room. Not knowing what to do I first sat down expecting a dance of some kind, but little did I know I was to be the performer. One waitress loudly demanded that I get up on the chair, dance, and air spell Susan with my gyrating behind. I was mortified that my Hanna saw me in such a situation and could tell that she was laughing in order to help me feel better. We had a connection like that. When Hanna came back to the table with our check, she offered me a Heart for a Dollar with the proceeds going to the Ronald McDonald charity. She also personally invited me to a Super Bowl party at Hooters that would feature a raffle for a big screen TV. She wasnt sure if she would be on staff that night or not. And then she did something truly special; she offered her favorite pen for me to sign my check. It was shiny, pink and covered with black spots. On top bounced a perky ladybug nestled in a pink feather bed. This pen, I felt, was the essence of Hanna and our brief time together. It was more incredible than any other pen in its class. It wrote beautifully, and the ladybug danced while the feathers tickled my wrist. I brought the top up to my nose and it smelled of my dear Hanna, a mix of perfume and potato skins. Oh, what a glorious fragrance while those feathers caressed my face. She didn't say it, but I knew she wanted me to have this pen. I slipped it into my pocket when her back was turned, knowing that neither of us would speak of it again. That was the way my Hanna would want it. It was then that I realized Hanna and the Hooters girls give so much and ask for so little besides a 15 percent gratuity on tables of six or more. So what if they lie to a few guys? They make them feel better while making the world a better place. Though I guarded my pen like a wolverine around the City Paper office, I secretly debated if I should keep it. Maybe the pen was a test for me and Hanna. Perhaps she will forget that bum fianc if I show my willingness to give back to the community like she does. Yes, thats it! So without further adieu, Hannas pen will (seriously) be available on eBay starting on Valentines Day. You may link to the auction at www.columbiacitypaper.com. The bidding will start at $10. City Paper will present Hanna at Hooters with a check to the Ronald McDonald House for the pen and will match an additional donation up to the reserve amount. Check out the photo slideshow from Hooters at columbiacitypaper.com.You know you want to. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

FEBRUARY 14, 2007

23

ARIES
When a dentist describes your tooth brushing habits as frantic, rough and too short you will notice an uncanny parallel between your dental hygiene and your sex life.

TAURUS
Unless youre tenured in the humanities department, you should lose the seersucker and bowtie, Taurus. You look like a young Orville Redenbacher.

GEMINI
You know from years of trial and error that Dramamine and vodka dont mix. Too bad someone didnt tell that to your Smoky Mountain tour bus driver.

CANCER
You know the look you give the ladies from across the room? I just saw it when I was coming back from the bar, dude, and it, uh, looks more like the expression a baby makes while messing a diaper. Id stick to chat rooms if I were you.

LEO
You will order your son to dig up the septic tank out back to teach him discipline and humility. One problem with that: the septic tank in the back yard actually belongs to your neighbor.

VIRGO

LIBRA

SCORPIO
After years of dining out, youll find that Columbia doesnt have an abundance of low-lit atmospheric restaurants after all; theyve simply been dimming your section so as not to offend the other patrons by your buttless chaps and denim vest.

Your decision to move to A rival cult leader will challenge the Saskatchewan, Canada to start a hip- Chosen One to a series of miracle hop group? ...Im all aboot it. contests. To aid your Messiah in these trying times, transfer your savings into his offshore account and send your fifth wife to Him this night to aid in the nightly praise of the Alien Super Lords.

SAGITTARIUS
There arent enough hours in the day to both meet the demands of home and adequately serve my constituents. So, I often do my dishes while I take a shower, Sagittarius. I even use the same rag. This type of ingenuity and commitment will propel our great state to the forefront of the energy conservation movement. Over the coming weeks, see what you can do to increase your productivity while decreasing your impact on the environment.

CAPRICORN
Now that the NFL season is long over, use your extra wigs, body paint and oversized foam hands to spice things up the bedroom.

AQUARIUS
Next week your coworker will charge that your greasy hair looks like it was combed with a dinner fork. Though you will angrily protest and defend your sullied honor, you and I both secretly know how right shell be.

PISCES
On your tenth wedding anniversary, a local radio station will play your song all day. Of course it helps that your song happens to be the station identification jingle.

Jonesin Crosswords
Across 1 Old-school tattoo word 4 Soft drink originally bottled in California 10 Trade gossip 14 "___ not making sense?" 15 Women's headwear 16 "Benedict Arnold!" 17 "Dude," as in "I heard about this one dude who..." 19 Bee ___ 20 "In the Hall of the Mountain King" composer 21 Influential group of men from Athens 22 Iowa city 23 "Dude," spoken reproachfully 27 Nation whose flag is a yellow star on a red background 30 ___.de.ap (Black Eyed Peas member) 31 Make dangerous 32 John who wrote the theme to "The NBA on NBC" 35 "Zut ___!" 39 "Dude," said while shaking one's head 43 First name in photography 44 Tire swing locale 45 Words before day or way 46 Babe, e.g. 48 Money for later 51 "Dude," as in "I know this one dude..." 56 R&B offshoot 57 Fish eggs 58 "I'm so frustrated!!!" 62 "Oh well," in more poetic terms 63 "Dude," when used in congratulation 66 Barrier in Holland 67 Doing a carwash task 68 Common street name 69 Got 100% on 70 Gets big 71 Penn in movies 28 Monopoly token 29 They're grounded Down Under 33 Type of camera, for short 34 Animal laugher 36 Boo-boo 37 Fight night venue 38 Men only 40 Grossed out 41 "Top Chef 2" chef 42 "How've ya ___?" 47 Measurements around Down 49 Guitarist Boz 1 Helgenberger of "CSI" 50 Salty sadness 2 One of Hugh's "House" costars 51 Carne ___ (Mexican restau3 ___ Ritz (cracker brand) rant option) 4 Japanese equivalent of "gener- 52 It makes baby cry al" 53 Famed first-person shooter 5 It's cured but was never sick game 6 Place to get bread at night 54 Not at all 7 Pretty good bowling score 55 Poke fun at 8 Bathroom renovator, maybe 59 Stink bad 9 Lack of energy 60 Big ball 10 Leader for whom a Parisian 61 ___ tags airport is named 64 "Do not open ___ Xmas" 11 Express lane count 65 TV mainstay broadcast from 12 Superman's makeup Studio 8H 13 Woman of questionable val2007 Jonesin' Crosswords ues (editor@jonesincrosswords.co 18 National ___ m) For answers to this puzzle, 24 "See ya!" call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents 25 Refine metal 26 "How ___ Mehta Got Kissed, per minute. Must be 18+. Or to Got Wild, and Got a Life" (plagia- bill to your credit card, call: 1800-655-6548. rized 2006 novel) Reference puzzle #0296. 27 "___ con Dios"

"Dude!"--you're getting a crossword

BY MATT JONES

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FEBRUARY 14, 2007

ACROSS 1 Family 5 Winter neckwear 10 Conclusions 14 Harvard rival 15 ___ Slobbovia (remote locale) 16 Vista 17 Store safely 18 Cockamamie 19 Ancient Peruvian 20 Start of a quote by Bertrand Russell relevant to crossword solvers 23 Roy Orbisons ___ the Lonely 24 Rots 25 How to divide things to be fair 28 Revolutionary pamphleteer Thomas 30 Supersmart grp.

Atmosphere Back talk Ltd. Middle of the quote 40 Chairman with a Little Red Book 41 In ___ of (standing in for) 43 Actor Tim of WKRP in Cincinnati 44 Adhesive 46 Pie nut 48 Quenches 49 Simoleons 52 Swizzle 53 Conclusion of the quote 59 Mission-to-Mars org. 60 Cognizant 61 One with adoring fans 62 Squeezed (out) 63 Hayseed
31 32 36 37

64 Capone fighter 65 Cry from

Edited by Will Shortz


1 14 17 20 23 25 30 36 41 42 46 49 53 59 62 65 Puzzle by Marlon R. Howell 60 63 66 50 51 54 55 61 64 67 47 52 37 38 43 48 26 27 31 39 44 45 28 29 32 21 24 2 3 4 5 15 18 22 6 7 8 9 10 16 19

No. 1127
11 12 13

Eliot ___

Charlie Brown 66 Pivots 67 Way to get out of a field


1 Anatomical sac 2 Strip of wood in

SavageLove
SEX ADVICE COLUMN
BY DAN SAVAGE
Ive been married to my husband for two years and have been with him for four. Im a little dominant, but beyond that nothing too out there. My husband, on the other hand, is a diaper-loving, transvestite adult baby. Ive done everything I can to make him realize that while Im not into his kink, Im not against it. Ive bought him diapers (cloth and disposable), Ive set aside a room in our house to be his nursery, one weekend a month he gets to be his little-girl self all weekend, and I peg him because he likes to feel submissive and dirty. He knows that I worryas someone who works with childrenthat it could get out and ruin my career, but Im OK with all the play even if its not my sexual cup of tea. However, lately our vanilla sex life is suffering. When its playtime, he always wants to come in his diapers. When its not playtime, he lies there like a lump. Now hes decided that he doesnt want to have sex unless its playtime. The past three months, when I explained that I would like my turn, he came too quickly for me to have any enjoyment. I know he can hold off longerhe always does when in diapersand Im getting really frustrated. He says he knows hes being selfish, but hes just not interested in regular sex. Then he cries and says hes a freak and he doesnt know why I stay with him. Im very close to walking out and taking a break, even though I believe that marriage is for life. I dont know what to do. Ive tried everything I can think of, even compromising the my turn rule by letting him whine and cry and pretend to be a baby during my turn. Im tired of my baby girl; I want my husband back. Beyond Annoyed Its rare these days that Im shocked by an e-mail, BA, but your letter did it. Several hours have passed since I read it and, damn, Im still shocked. Let me be clear: Im not shocked by the train wreck that is your husbands collection of kinks. Ive seen worse. (Never done worse, though. When the guy Im f-king cries, its always a manly, adult sort of sobbing.) What shocks me is your husbands stupidity, coupled with his shortsightednessboth of which are being madly humped by his ingratitude. Does your baby girl realize what hes got in you? The world is crawlingliterally crawlingwith adult babies who are alone and single and miserable and always will be. While the Internet has made it possible for adult babies to find each other more easily, a shared interest in nappies and nurseries doesnt guarantee compatibility. Plus, female adult babies are scarcer than folks who can read my husband whines and cries and pretends to be a baby during sex without hurling. Your husband should be doing everything in his power to keep you happy. My advice? Take that break. Cut the little brat off no more baby games until he can successfully wrap his bonnet around this: your pleasure matters as much as his does. Then tell him that although he may not be interested in regular sex, he better learn to fake it convincingly. And finally, BA, tell him that his continued failure to meet your vanilla needs is gonna get his diapered ass divorced, leaving him single and shit out of luck, sex-partner wise, for the rest of his adult infancy. Dump the honest foot fetishist, I warned a woman a few weeks ago, and I guarantee that you will marry the dishonest necrophiliac. Thats the Karmic Rule of Kink. But vanilla partners are not the only ones subject to KROK. For kinksters lucky enough to be with generous vanilla partners, your somewhat-less-pithy version of KROK goes like this: Drive off an indulgent, understanding, adventurous partner by failing to joyfully accommodate his or her desires for vanilla sex and you will NEVER get your kinky rocks off again without having to pay a professional $500 an hour to put up with your bullshit. mail@savagelove.net

DOWN

33 40

34

35

ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE


B A T H T U B R A T A T A T I N H O U S E A N I M A T O S T E E L E D M O N I K E R H O P S E S U P T H R I A E R L R A A S L S H E E H A S D O N E U K D T T R O R E E M Y W I N T O S I O N L O N G T I M E A G O B A L B O A A L I E N P T I S T U N S E R S G O N E S T E M T Y C O N E P A L O R E S O O N N A L O A S T A N D E M E R O P D A F O R I T I R E M E D E Y E S

M B S A U R C I A N R D T R S A

homebuilding 3 ___ vera 4 Eponymous units of force 5 By a narrow margin 6 Brooklyns ___ Island 7 Not at home 8 Gambling mecca 9 Revealing kind of slip 10 Demonstrates clearly 11 Old Japanese assassin 12 Wooden duck, say 13 Persuades 21 Member of an extended family 22 Poetic time after dusk 25 Disneys ___ and the Detectives 26 ___, vidi, vici (Caesars boast) 27 Suffix with differ 28 Vladimir of the Kremlin 29 Like most of west Texas

56

57

58

31 Between ports 33 One way to run 34 ___-Coburg

42 Transfers files

(part of historic Germany) 35 High-protein beans 38 Sites for grand entrances 39 Icy cold

to a computer, maybe 45 Its such sweet sorrow 47 Have supper 48 Braces (oneself) 49 Worker with a light and a pick 50 Japanese port

51 Beginning 54 Dicey G.I.

52 Spread, as seed

55 Drink with sushi 56 Notion 57 Maximum

status

58 or ___!

(threat)

For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a credit card, 1-800-814-5554. Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS. Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000 past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($34.95 a year). Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.

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WOULD YOU DRIVE TWO HOURS


99.5 REAL WORLD ANSWERS:

March 30, 2007 at Embassy Suites Airport Convention Center. Tickets $99. Seating is limited. Get tickets now at WWW.GITOMER.COM/CHARLESTON
FEBRUARY 14, 2007

25

su|do|ku PSYCHO SUDOKU


Fill in the grid so that every row, column and 3X3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9

SuDoKu with a twist!


BY MATT JONES

Sum Sudoku Put one digit from 1-9 in each square of this Sudoku so that the following two conditions are met: 1) each row, column, and 3x3 box (as marked by shading in the grid) contains the digits 1-9 exactly one time, and 2) the sums of the numbers in each area marked off by heavy black lines total the little number given in each of those areas. For example, the digits in the upper-leftmost square in the grid and the two squares directly underneath it will add up to 20. Now quit wastin my time and solve!!!
20 14 4 7 12 4 15 7 10 23 21 9 11 15 5 8 10 9 15 5 3 26 7 6 16 4 15 15 13 15 15 7 25 9

KaidokuEach of the 26 letters of the alphabet is represented in this grid by


a number between one and 26. Using letter frequency, word pattern recognition, and the numbers as your guides, fill in the grid with well-known English words. Only lowercase, unhyphenated words area allowed in kaidoku, so you wont see anything like STOCKHOLM or LONG-LOST in here. Now solve!!
16 24 8 2 7 1 10 10 1 10 20 20 7 8 14 10 8 3 7 20 16 14 11 1 3 3 20 2 2 11 20 18 25 11 18 20 13 20 20 23 10 1 15 19 1 3 4 20 19 1 10 12 20 3 23 23 25 17 1 26 8 21 1 8 26 11 9 11 8 17 1 26 11 25 25 22 25 2 9 25 10 23 8 10 20 25 19 2 20 16 6 14

1 17

20 3

17 8 3 7

20 17

FREE CLASSIFIEDS @ WWW.COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM


Rent: $595.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Forest Acres, minutes away from downtown and USC. 2500 block of Harrison Road. located on the corner of Wheat & Waccamaw. Walking distance to USC and Five Points.ing Branch, R onto Jadetree. 331 S Harden St Rent: $750.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 BathsS. Harden near Rosewood. Close to Five Points, USC & Rosewood. 1618 B Greene St Rent: $800.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Utilities included-1600 Block of Greene. Walking distance to USC and Five Points. Across the street from the Nursing & Humanties buildings. 615 Heidt Street 12 Rent: $850.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 2 BathsLocated in Shandon area. Convenient to both downtown and USC. 803 Howard St. Rent: $850.00 - 3 Bedrooms / 1.5 Baths **MOVE IN SPECIAL 1/2 first months rent ** House in Rosewood. Take Howard off of Rosewood by S. Woodrow. Convenient to USC and dowtown. End of Cantey & Company listings Check back soon or call us at 803-256-7150. New listings are added often. Great 2 BR Apt downtown close to The VISTA and USC. $600 per month. Call Robert at 466-2699! Great Bungalow with 3 BR and 2 BA beautiful hardwoods and 4 fireplaces. Located close to The VISTA and USC. $159,900. Call Robert Bowers to see at 466-2699. 1715 Enoree Avenue, 3 Bedroom /2 Bathrooms 1786 SF, Charming Home on a Great Street sandwiched between Pickens and Saluda. Asking $299,900, call Tara Palazzotto, Prudential Palmetto Realtors 803.960.1765 for Details. Pre-Selling LuxuryTownhomes with a Loft at "The Concourses at Owens Field" Starting at $385,000, GREAT LOCATION, minutes from The Vista, Five Points and Devine Street. Call Tara Palazzotto, Prudential Palmetto Realtors 803.960.1765 for a complete sales package. NOW LEASING...The Hangars at Owens Field, sister property of The Concourses, 1&2 Bedroom Live/Work spaces available. Stainless appliances, exposed brick, beams, and pipes. Private portico, Custom Euro Cabintry in Kitchens and Baths, Prewired for alarm systems. Concrete Countertops. GREAT LOCATION, minutes from The Vista, 5 Points and Devine Street.Call Tara Palazzotto for leasing information 803.960.1765 send your free classifieds ads@columbiacitypaper.com

The Following listings are managed by Cantey & Company call us at 803-2567150. New listings are added often.
4600 Fort Jackson Blvd 197 Rent: $450.00 - 1 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Apartment in Hampton Hills. Near Gates of Fort Jackson. From Kilbourne make a left. 3800 S. Kilbourne Rd. Rent: $475.00 - 1 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Kilbourne Apartments: Located on S. Kilbourne between Live Oak and Hickory St. 9 Quadplex apts. Call our office for available units. 4649 Oxford Road Rent: $500.00 - 1 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Duplex-Take Kilbourne to Oxford, near Gates of Ft. Jackson. 2915 Chatsworth Rd A Rent: $575.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Brick quadraplex located off the Trenholm extension. Take right on Scotsman. Left on Scotsman. Right on Chatsworth. Located near Columbia Mall.

3851 Capers Rent: $600.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 BathsDuplex in Rosewood. 3800 Barwick Rent: $600.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Duplex in Rosewood 5516 Lakeshore Drive # 508 Rent: $650.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 2 Baths Forest Acres/near Trenholm and Forest Drive. Unit #508 2866 Ashton Street Rent: $700.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Forest Acres. From Harrison Road make a left onto Ashton, House on Left. 1642C Enoree Avenue Rent: $750.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 2 Baths 12 unit apartment building wiithin walking distance to USC and Five Points. 1 mile from Darla Moore School of Business. 1642D Enoree Avenue Rent: $750.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 2 Baths 12 unit apartment building wiithin walking distance to USC and Five Points. 1 mile from Darla Moore School of Business. 505 Waccamaw Ave Rent: $750.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Tri-plex building

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FEBRUARY 14, 2007

7A Pinecrest Court

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