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TED RALL OUR MILITARYS RACIAL AND ECONOMIC DISPARITIES 3 NEWS BUSINESS AS USUAL IN FIVE POINTS; OBAMA, LOHAN, BIRDS 4 THE GOOD FIGHT DEMOCRATS DEBATE IN REPUBLICANS BACKYARD 5 LETTERS TO THE READER DEAR CHICKEN KILLERS 5 TALKBACK YOUVE BEEN ON CITY PAPERS WEB SITE TOO LONG, WHEN... 5 COVER WILL S.C. BUILD NEW COAL PLANT AS OTHER STATES SAY NO WAY? 6 STATE HOUSE REPORT WE HAVE A SISTER STATE IN AUSTRALIA? 8 MR. MEANERS CRIME WATCH COLUMBIA: A SUNNY PLACE FOR SHADY PEOPLE 9 FEATURE INSIDE LEBOWSKI FEST 11 COLUMN THE CLYBURN QUESTION 14 BUM OF THE WEEK DEAN BECAME HOMELESS AFTER HIS FATHER SHOT HIM 20
Contents
AUGUST 1, 2007 VOLUME 2 ISSUE 27
PUBLISHER Paul F. Blake paul@columbiacitypaper.com MANAGING EDITOR Todd Morehead todd@columbiacitypaper.com NEWS EDITOR Corey Hutchins corey@columbiacitypaper.com CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sean Rayford theangrywhale@yahoo.com ARTS EDITOR Judit Trunkos jtrunkos@columbiacitypaper.com GENERAL SALES MANAGER John Gibson jgibson@columbiacitypaper.com POLITICS & MEDIA Ismail Lagardien ilagardien@columbiacitypaper.com
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COLUMBIA CITY PAPER 701 Gervais Street, Suite 150-218 Columbia, SC 29201 803.256.6670 / Fax: 803.461.4640
AUGUST 1, 2007
U.S. Army Sgt. 1st Class Steven Chillas, left, a recruiter with the Delaware Army National Guard, goes over enlistment paperwork with potential recruit Jezerie Blango during a meeting at a restaurant where Blango works part time in Dover, Delaware on Feb. 1, 2007. The non-partisan National Priorities Project compares home ZIP codes of new recruits to tax return data for those areas. "Neighborhoods with low- to middle-median household incomes are over-represented," finds the NPP. "Neighborhoods with high-median household incomes are under-represented.
"The typical recruit in the all-volunteer force is wealthier, more educated and more rural than the average 18- to 24-year-old citizen is," claimed the authors of an oftcited 2005 "comprehensive study" of the U.S. military commissioned by the Heritage Foundation. "A pillar of conventional wisdom about the U.S. military is that the quality of volunteers has been degraded after the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq," said the conservative think tank. "Some insist that minorities and the underprivileged are overrepresented in the military. Others accuse the U.S. Army of accepting unqualified enlistees in a futile attempt to meet its recruiting goals in the midst of an unpopular war." These myths, insisted Heritage and its media allies, were propagated by anti-war liberals out to demoralize the country by attacking its troops. Two years later, right-wingers trot out the Heritage troop survey as evidence that America is sending its best and brightest, rather than its down and out, to win Afghan and Iraqi hearts and minds. The GOP blog Newsbusters used it to rebut Rosie O'Donnell's statement that most recruits enlist in the Army to get an education: "Of course, facts don't matter to Rosie O'Donnell." But are these "facts" true? The claim that U.S. combat troops come from richer families and enjoy higher levels of educational attainment than the average American defies both conventional wisdom and everyday observation. Active-duty soldiers earn less than their civilian counterparts. In a capitalist society low-paying jobs
seldom attract people with higher educational credentials. A disproportionate share of blogs by soldiers serving on the frontlines are poorly written. High-ranking officers, even generals, come off as hick bureaucrats on television. Many troops believe they're in Iraq to fight those responsible for 9/11 or to prevent them from invading the United States. And a majority of soldiers are conservative Republicans, voting for Bush over Kerry by a 4-to-1 margin in 2004. (The most educated group of voters are liberal Democrats, 50 percent of whom have bachelor's degrees or higher. Republicans tend to be less educated.) Curious about anything that challenges my assumptions, I looked into the Heritage Foundation study. As it turns out, military personnel are poorer and less educated than the average American civilian. Moreover, they're also a lot more likely to be black. (State-controlled media continues to repeat Heritage's claim that the military reflects American racial demographics.) There are lies, damned lies, and Republican statistics. The Heritage study relies on apples-to-oranges comparisons and factual omissions.
POORER
No one tracks how much soldiers earned the year before they enlist. The Department of Defense estimates that its employees take a $20,000-per-year payand-benefits hit relative to civilians the same age throughout their careers. There is, however, a nifty study by the non-partisan
National Priorities Project that compares home ZIP codes of new recruits to tax return data for those areas. "Neighborhoods with low- to middle-median household incomes are over-represented," finds the NPP. "Neighborhoods with high-median household incomes are under-represented. A closer look shows that the socioeconomic distance between America at home and American troops abroad is a gaping chasm. Young men and women from affluent neighborhoods--those with average household incomes of $100,000 or more-are three to four times less likely as those from poor and lower middle class areas (under $50,000) to serve in the military. This ratio is increasing. Heritage obtained different results by "comparing these wartime recruits (20032005) to the resident population ages 1824" in each ZIP code (as opposed to the overall population, all ages included). Many recruits are college dropouts who list their last address--their college dorm--when they sign up. College ZIP codes are populated by disproportionately high numbers of 18-to-24-year-olds who are full-time students and/or work low-paying and part-time jobs. Though imperfect, NPP gets much closer to comparing apples to apples by looking at the overall income picture of recruits' hometowns or communities surrounding a college, not just college-age kids who earn a pittance. Nothing says that poor people can't make good soldiers. But let's not kid ourselves. There's a reason so many of the dead come from high-unemployment, lowwage states like West Virginia. They're des-
perate. And desperate people are more tempted to accept a job that could cost them their lives.
POORLY EDUCATED
"Many enlisted personnel are drawn to the benefits offered by the armed forces that allow them to obtain funding for college," the Heritage study's authors allows. On the broader point of education levels among U.S. troops, however, they again resort to pomegranate-to-rutabaga comparisons. The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office's "1999 Survey of Active Duty Personnel" (the last year for which such data is available) found that "about 60 percent of enlisted personnel surveyed...reported having no more than a high school-level education when they began their military service." (Heritage jacks up the total to 83 percent by including GEDs.) Ninety percent of employed Americans over age 25 have a high school diploma. As they age, military personnel eventually obtain additional educational credentials during their years in the service. Even so, the March 2003 U.S. Census finds that 32 percent of employed Americans have a bachelors or advanced degree. Just 7 percent of soldiers do. You don't need a Ph.D. in Middle East Studies to fire a rifle. But higher education generally leads to greater worldliness-which would come in handy in the post-9/11 era.
DEBUNKED CONTINUED ON PAGE 4
AUGUST 1, 2007
Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Sen. Barack Obama addresses college Democrats at USC the day before Lindsay Lohans latest film was released.
Presidential candidate Barack Obama told college students at the University of South Carolina last Thursday that their vote counts and at one point mocked the media for giving more attention to Paris Hilton than issues like the genocide in Darfur. But Obama was silent on another issue currently facing the American people: the recent arrest of Lindsay Lohan. Having captured the nations heart with her performance in The Parent Trap many were shocked to hear the starlet recently released from a drug rehab program was arrested July 24 for driving under the influence and felony cocaine possession after an altercation with her personal assistants mother in a public parking lot. In an attempt to escape Lohan, the woman allegedly led the former Freaky Friday star on a highspeed car chase through the streets of Santa Monica reaching speeds of over 100 mph. Lohan, 21, was also driving on a suspended license. One witness, identified as Ronnie Blake, claims that Lohan ran over his foot with her SUV as she sped off in pursuit of the woman. During his speech Obama focused on some type of war or something and mentioned something either about health insurance or maybe student loans. The senator neglected to speculate on what outfit the starlet might wear to Club Privilege, nor did he mention that teen heartthrob Calum Best recently dumped Lohan though many believe he was not cute enough for her in the first place. Obamas campaign staff also did not return phone messages left by City Paper regarding Lohans arrest. Lohans latest movie, I Know Who Killed Me, co-starring Brian Geraghty, opened last week. -TODD MOREHEAD & PAUL BLAKE
AUGUST 1, 2007
Its business as usual for Lloyd Reese and his family at the Blue Cactus restaurant in Five Points ...at least for now. On July 18, City Paper reported that the Place on the Green Homeowners Association issued a letter demanding that the unit owners who rent to Blue Cactus, Pita Pit, and Tavern on the Greene must evict those businesses within 30 days, citing a rule in the buildings master deed which, according to the association specifically prohibits, among other businesses, bars, restaurants, lounges and pool halls. The owners of Pita Pit retained an attorney to fight the eviction and on July 26, Reese, who has owned and operated Blue Cactus in its current location for 15 years, told City Paper that attorneys representing his landlord sent
a response to the homeowners association. Letters were sent from lawyers on our side telling them not just no, but Hell no in legalese. The businesses have so far not received a response from attorneys representing the homeowner's association. Some worry that the recent streetscaping in Five Points will spark an urban renewal cycle in the area that may attract big box retailers at the expense of small local businesses. Whatever the associations motives, one thing is for certain: the small businesses on Greene St. wont be kicked out without a fight. This is just the first salvo, Reese warns. You watch; itll start happening to lots of other businesses down here. -Todd Morehead
Dear Michael Vick, I heard the other day that you were being inducted. I guess into some sort of Hall of Fame? Every time Im in a bar, I see your photo on the muted TV or footage of one of your amazing touchdown passes. You seem to be on every sports and news channel because of you're being inducted. The commissioner of the NFL even held a press conference to congratulate you, I assume, on being inducted. Its refreshing to see a millionaire professional athlete not act like psychopath thug. Oh wait, youre on again. Think Ill turn up the TV and see whats going on... Columbia City Paper
awkward moments of weeping. Next time when I call to see if a DVD is in stock at your store and ask how you're doing, just respond with one or two words so we can get on with things. Columbia City Paper Dear Columbia Farms, Could you please come up with some kind of air filtration system so we dont have to inhale the stench of disemboweled chickens? One of our staffers drives by your processing plant every day and just so he doesn't vomit in his own mouth, he has to cover his face with his shirt and speed past hoping not to hit one of the many workers shuffling across the street in their rubber waders and hair nets. The other day he reported that several feathers rained down on his car along with what he described as "possibly little chunks of chicken intestine." If only the Renuzit air freshener company or Febreze could put a manufacturing plant next door... Columbia City Paper
Dear guy that answers to How are you doing?, Dude, it's just a salutation. I dont really want to know about your car repo, how you live with your mom, and how your cell phone provider turned your phone off. And I definitely didn't want to hear about your dog's inoperable cancer followed by a few
SOME RESPONSES AT WWW.COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM TO TRAPPED IN THE CAPITAL CITY (JULY 18 V2 I 25) You know youve lived in Columbia too long Ordered a Dirty Coke from Paul at The when.... Capitol Restaurant or went to Nite Lites at Embassy Suites. [You remember] Twenty-five-cent drafts at -Tom Have A Nice Day along with the Happy Bus back in 1997! I lived at The Commons and you Um, hello? Nite Works anyone? Where we couldnt beat it! would always go to hit on married chicks or den- Krystal tal hygenists. This was often referred to as night cheese. The only singles bar for 30-somethings Man, I feel old! And pathetic! Born here in before the Vista. 76. Ive traveled for over 15 years and keep end- Telluride ing up right here and remember every single bit of this city (except all of the new stop signs that Holy Crap, Fugazi was in Cola? Hell, I saw wig me out). Black Flag one night and the Red Hot Chili -Ms. Melissa the Luna Honeybee Peppers and Fetchin Bones another at the old tiny Huger Street Theatre, talk about old! I can honestly say about a quarter of those -Clay apply to me, and I was 8 when Nirvana was on WUSC. Tell Jeremiah I said he smells. DAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jeremiahs - Matt Tyler best catch phrase. -Jpru
Talk Back!
BY NICK GUREWITCH
AUGUST 1, 2007
PUFF, PUFF
Will South Carolina's state-owned Santee Cooper build another coal plant as states nationwide turn away from the largest contributor to global warming?
BY COREY HUTCHINS
It has been said that as the last remaining Americans who remember the Great Depression die even the youngest that time period will be passed into the hands of historians. But in South Carolina echoes from the past reverberate to the present leaving many environmental observers scratching their heads as the state-owned electric and water utility, Santee Cooper (a utility some have called a dinosaur born from that time of blood and violence), makes a symbolic and obstinate gesture backwards in their attempt to build on the Great Pee Dee River yet another massive coal plant. In what is surely to be remembered as The Green Decade, when the world became more environmentally conscious and even Congress enacted tighter legislation on coal burning plants, the pulverized coal-fired facility that Santee Cooper has proposed to erect near Kingsburg in Florence County by 2014, a nearly $1 billion, 660-megawatt facility, will release into the environment millions of tons of carbon dioxide per year and could perhaps be in its own way in a race against the clock to slam down one of the last coal-fired plants on American soil before both common sense and Congress say enough is enough. To further illustrate this, a July 25 story in the Wall Street Journal begins with the lead, From coast to coast, plans for a new generation of coal-fired power plants are falling by the wayside as states conclude that conventional coal plants are too dirty to build and the cost of cleaner plants is too high. But not the state of South Carolina. And so it has been, for the past month, Green vs. Black as environmental groups statewide band together and oppose the plants construction with the metaphorical questions exploding like hand grenades all around the debate. Will South Carolina, a fire-engine red state with a history of self-consciousness and vulnerability born from poverty, let its stateowned utility run roughshod over the national conscience of progressive Green thinking to advance itself at the expense of the environment? And will the governor, a man who has illustrated an acute instinct for environmental concern, let his conflicted Libertarian belief of antigovernment regulation facilitate a trashing of the very coast on which he owes his election? Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer on July 25 told City Paper he would call back with the governors take on Santee Coopers proposed coal-fired plant. At the time this story went to press on July 31 he had not yet responded. If the utility continues to go forward with their plan, people like Bob Wislinski, of the Carolina Climate Network, say Santee Cooper really needs to be reformed. They are, he says, a dinosaur" living in "an alternative universe...another dimension. South Carolina, a state already not up to speed on the national level in terms of energy efficiency and education, spews per year about 30 million tons of carbon dioxide into the air (the main source blamed for global warming) and is among the top polluters in the nation when it comes to carbon dioxide explicitly, according to the Associated Press. There are, right now, 13 coal-fired plants in the Palmetto State and while it may be tempting to balance out such an unlucky number, environmental groups on both the state and national level believe we should go in the opposite direction and change the number by subtracting from it, not adding. All around the South states are turning away from coal-fired energy plants and looking for alternatives. In North Carolina, the utilities commission there rejected one of two 800-megawatt plants and told Duke Energy that they did not need both of them to meet their demands,
OR PASS
PHOTO BY
SEAN RAYFORD
In South Carolina 13 coal-fired plants supply energy to residents. Thirty miles outside Columbia is SCE&Gs Wateree Station, Richland Countys largest polluter, according to Bob Guild, chairman of the S.C. Sierra Club.
long as he and other key Republican officials veto Green legislation or give the wave of the hand to global warming, the debate about the environment on both the state and the national level remains politically divided. The change in Congress in the last election may have changed whats going on, True says Environmental Control, like air permits, but Wislinski is one to say that Santee Cooper has never met an emission they didnt want to give off and that DHEC is notorious for greasing the palm when it comes to issuing permits. Meanwhile, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has required an Environmental Impact Statement study (EIS) but because they are federal and DHEC is state, DHEC does not have to wait until the study is complete before issuing the permits. And while South Carolina has always been traditionally states rights, some environmental groups are afraid DHEC will issue the permits to Santee Cooper before the EIS study is complete simply because they can. On July 23 DHEC spokesman Tom Berry told City Paper Were not anywhere close to making a decision about whether or not they will issue the air quality construction permit that Santee Cooper needs before they can begin construction. Berry said DHEC is deciding whether or not to wait for the feds to complete the EIS study before they make their decision, but also made clear they are not required to do that. For now they are holding off on their decision on whether or not to wait because of requests from environmental groups, he said. When asked if he knew whether DHEC had ever rejected a permit to Santee Cooper in the
AUGUST 1, 2007
PHOTO BY SEAN RAYFORD PHOTO BY ROLAND PESCHETZ Left: A wind turbine stands in front of a coal-fired plant in Vienna, Austria. Coal plants exist is Europe but countries like France have moved toward nuclear energy. Right: The coal-fired Wateree Station owned by SCE&G looking from a farmhouse on Godspeed Rd. near Eastover.
past, Berry said he had no idea but it wouldnt surprise him to find out they hadnt. That would be because when DHEC receives an application that looks like it wont pass muster they meet with the applicant or the consulting engineer, he said. More often than not, the applicant then will withdraw the permit, fix it, or change it so it can meet approval. So while DHEC may not ever have rejected a permit from Santee Cooper the reason may just be that Santee Cooper knows how to play the game theyve been in it long enough. Blan Holman is an environmental attorney with the Southern Environmental Law Center who has been looking into Santee Cooper and the proposed coal-fired plant on the Pee Dee. What is troublesome, he says about Santee Cooper, is the lack of oversight that comes with it in South Carolina. As a state-owned utility steeped in the hardscrabble history of South Carolina and with perhaps the most effective lobbying group at the State House Santee Cooper seems to operate with carte blanche to build what it wants where it wants it without having their proposals vetted in any regulatory forum. But environmental groups arent the only ones looking at Santee Cooper or their coal plant proposal with a squinting eye. South Carolina State Sen. John Courson, a Republican who chairs the governors Climate, Energy and Commerce Advisory Committee, doesnt want to call the proposed plant a divisive issue he says its more complicated than that. Im not sure coal-fired plants are the way to go, he told City Paper. In South Carolina or nationally. Courson also says he doesnt fault what Santee Cooper is doing on the whole but retains what the calls a philosophical difference with the issue of coal-fired plants. He said we should look to France when it comes to energy and that nuclear is the way to go. For their part, Santee Cooper spokeswoman Molly Gore says the utility is exploring some nuclear options. Were [also] considering wind, she said. Gore also said coal is the most abundant resource and Santee Cooper has a mandate to deliver affordable energy to their customers, which is the reason the utility was created. She said that each Santee Cooper unit built has the best environmental control technology at the time they built it and stressed that Santee Cooper offers the only active conservation pro-
grams of S.C. utilities. As for why the utility is proposing a coal-fired plant while other states have turned against it in a time of national sympathy towards global warming, Gore said cost efficiencies are at the forefront. And while future cost is always easier to quantify than environmental impact and while environmental groups could surely turn the comment into an illustration of the purse over planet mentality Gore says of Santee Cooper, Were doing everything we can to strike a balance. In the academic arena, Dr. Greg Carbone, an associate professor in USCs department of geography with a special interest in climate change and impacts, says that while he applauds Santee Cooper for having Green programs (that most private utility companies dont offer) they could work harder to promote them. Representatives from Santee Cooper say less than 1 percent of their customers take part in the programs. The way that the proposed dirty coal plant is being handled, Carbone believes, is heavy handed, and he is also suspicious of the unique fashion in which the utility operates in regard to a lack of regulatory oversight. Off the record, during lunches or behind closed doors, private South Carolina utility companies such as Duke and Progress privately loath Santee Cooper for their freedom from regulation and also that they pay zippo in local property taxes. (Santee Cooper did however drop double-digit millions into the state's general fund last year, according to Gore.) Bob Wislinksi knows because hes heard it all. He also knows that while Santee Cooper has no accountability with any regulatory agency, their proposals need to be vetted in the public forum, i.e. press releases from environmental group to environmental group, or by public meetings and media exposure. Stupid ideas die if you oppose them long enough, he says. It was just this kind of public inspection that caused about 300 people to crowd into the Hannah-Pamplico High School in Florence County earlier this month to attend a public hearing about the proposed plant. Representatives for Santee Cooper said their proposal is environmentally safe and economical. But there are people in Florence who have spoken out about the mercury, said Nancy Cave, the Coastal Carolina Leagues north coast director. Cave says the plant will have a severe
environmental and human impact and is pegged for a rural area where it is likely there would be less opposition. Cave paints a picture of mile-long trains passing daily by churches as they carry coal to the plant. She warns of mercury seeping into the nearby rivers and 93 acres of wetlands being impacted and thousands of tons of soot and smog-forming pollutants blasting into the air. The plant, she says, will draw 28 million gallons of water from the Pee Dee per day. When asked if she considered Santee Cooper a dinosaur Cave said, I think Santee Cooper is using old technology and not doing a thorough alternative study. I think its time they looked at alternatives. Bob Guild, chairman of the S.C. Sierra Club, agrees. "We're pressing them to be leaders in new conservation," he says, "and aggressively exhaust the use of alternative energy." Calling the state-owned utility a "classic representation of a missed opportunity," Guild says since Santee Cooper was created in the 1930s because the private utilities weren't interested in supplying power to the rural areas of South carolina and Santee Cooper did light up the darkest corners of the state in that same tradition they should now take the opportunity to be a leader in creating alternative energy. Santee Cooper remains heavy on their obligation to provide affordable power to their customers and coal is cheap. On its face the economical argument works. Nuclear power is expensive and the utility does offer inexpensive rates to their customers. But while dollars-perkilowatt-hours are easy to measure, what is not is the environmental impact. To be frank, if Santee Cooper is providing an affordable service to the poor it is also those same poor who are fishing for food because they have to in the rivers that Santee Cooper will poison with mercury because of the plant. For now South Carolina remains a battleground of ideology and interpretation and the symbolism of it seems drawn from the minds of fiction writers. We are seven years away from 2014 and a lot can happen before then. As of now no groundbreaking in the Pee Dee has taken place and if the environmentalists get their way the ground will remain unbroken at least for the use of mashing up and burning coal. But as some observers see it as just another coal plant, others, like Wislinksi, see it as leverage for a larger cause the reformation of dinosaurs like Santee Cooper.
AUGUST 1, 2007
SHOP
CLOTHING AT FRIENDLY PRICES
AUGUST 1, 2007
CRIME WATCH
THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THESE EVENTS ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. THE ACCOUNTS COME DIRECTLY FROM POLICE REPORTS. THIS IS NOT A COURT OF LAW. 29203
A 41-year-old man is driving like an idiot when cops pull him over and smell alcohol on his breath. Theres also an open booze bottle in the car and a napkin full of weed in his back pocket. The man fails a one-leg-stand test and blows a .14. Lindsay Lohan says that aint nothin; 5000 block Main Street.
Mr. Meaners
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Three thugs bust into a business and shoot up the place. Pointing their weapons at those inside they tell everyone to give it up. A guy coming out of the bathroom sees all this and runs back in the bathroom along with two other witnesses who call the police. The three douche bags get away but at least one guy didnt piss his pants; 2400 block Taylor Street.
Officers tow his car and take the boozed-up 23-year-old bozo to jail for drunkenness; 200 block Assembly Street.
for police and disorderly conduct; 900 block Taylor Street. Police see a 33-year-old woman hanging around Schoolhouse Road at 3 in the morning. Officers say she is a known lady of the evening and arrest her for loitering for the purpose of prostitution. Whoring yourself out on a road with that name just soundswell, normal these days; 2500 block Schoolhouse Road.
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While the Michael Vick story remains national news, Pit Bulls are roaming wild through Columbia. Local neighbors say they are having trouble with two Pit Bulls in particular who get loose and try and attack them as they do their yard work. Police say one Pit Bull climbed a fence and lunged at an officer, which forced the cop to spray the dog in the face with pepper spray; 4000 block Pine Street.
Some Scrooge walks into the backyard of a house and steals three childrens bicycles from behind a tool shed. The owner says the bikes are purple, black and red and that its not the first time someone has jacked the kids bikes from them; 400 block Jasmine Lane.
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A 21-year-old woman leaves her car in the parking lot of Wal-Mart because it has a flat tire. When she comes back to get it the car is gone. Wed make a joke about taking the whole roll back thing too far, but; 5400 block Forest Drive.
A 28-year-old woman is sleeping when her ex-boyfriend breaks into the house, grabs her by the shirt, yanks her to her feet, punches her in the face and then threatens to kill her. The womans cousin comes in and pushes the man out of the house. He runs away before the cops get there; 1500 block Garden Plaza.
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A 46-year-old man gets in a fight with another man who threatens to pour gasoline all over him. He says this has been an ongoing issue. I guess its better than coming home smelling like that stripper; 1200 block King Street.
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A 30-to-40-year-old man is digging in an open field when he hits something solid. Turns out its a buried shot gun that has been severely rusted. He calls the cops and they come and take it away. The man continues digging in the open field looking for more buried treasure; 2400 block Senate Street.
Cops pull over two women for not wearing their seatbelts and the two ladies in their late 20s and early 30s look nervous. Officers search them and lo and behold find four small blue baggies full of marijuana. Normally we wouldnt have a problem with that but one of the women is pregnant and we dont need anymore dope babies popping up around here. It already takes too long at the drive thru as it is; 2200 block Gervais Street.
Officers on call to a civil disturbance notice a bulge in the pants of a 38-year-old man. No, he wasnt excited to see the officer, it was a loaded gun with a 15-round magazine, a bullet in the chamber and another 15-round magazine in the holster. But this guy isnt no cowboy, hes just your everyday street thug. Its not 1996 anymore, buddy, and Tu Pac is dead (supposedly), so give it up; 3000 block North Beltline Blvd.
A 24-year-old woman is walking through Five Points when a man snatches her purse and takes off running. This prick gets away with $184 worth of shit and is probably gobbling crack rocks by the handful behind the Martin Luther King, Jr. Park Community Center as we speak; 500 block Saluda Ave.
This readers bowl shaped t-bars shows she caves in to pressure and temptation
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A 42-year-old woman is lying in her bed when her babys daddy hits her on the thigh. The woman grabs a floor fan to protect herself and the man yanks her to the ground in full view of the child they share together. Well see you on Dr. Phil; 200 block Gayle Pond Trace.
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Cops see a car parked in the road and the driver is passed out at the wheel and reeks of alcohol.
A 42-year-old man is working on his car when he is attacked by another man who jumps on him, pins him to the ground and starts tearing through his pockets. The stunned victim yells for help and the attacker jets, but not before a witness who recognizes the jag-off sees the commotion. The witness tells the cops who he is; 4400 block Blossom Street.
While using police lights to check Finlay Park for after-hours bums, an officer shines his light on a 44year-old hobo who tells him to turn them fucking lights off. The officer tells the bum to stop but he keeps walking. Getting out of his patrol car the officer follows the homeless man and tells him to stop again. What the fuck for? the hobo asks. The officer realizes this guy is drunk and charges him with drunkenness, failure to stop
A 47-year-old woman smashes a flowerpot over the back of a 60year-old man and then smashes the front and rear windshields of his car with a brick. No word yet on whether the geezer had been dosing himself with Viagra and slaying all the womans girlfriends while she was at work; 4000 block Ridgewood Ave.
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Homeboy walks into a business and asks to exchange a roll of quarters for $10. The man hands over two $5 bills and when the guy leaves opens the roll of quarters to find it stuffed with a battery and pennies. Nice gag; 1800 block Columbia Drive.
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Dear Mia, Spending money is a lot like eating cheesecake. Its fun, it gives you a boost, and its comforting. But, sooner or later, comfort turns to discomfort, as you outgrow your jeans . . . and struggle to live beyond your means. Lets look at your handwriting and see if we can get some insight into your financial situation. The way a person crosses his or her ts shows how he or she moves forward in life. Look at your Ts. Do you notice how your t-bar curves downward in the middle like a bowl? This shows that you cant meet your goals because you tend to cave in to temptation and pressure. Be firm with yourself. Stick to a budget by learning to say no. And, when you cross your Ts, make your t-bars firm, strong, and straight. Also, notice how the lower loops of your fs are large and rounded, resembling a big belly. Writers who are sensual and like to indulge in lifes pleasures tend to have chubby Fs. Ive never met you, but Id wager a bet that with fs like yours, youve got some issues with overeating and food. Next time youre faced with temptation, whether its that new must buy flat screen TV or that last piece of double chocolate cherry cheesecake, why not indulge your senses in something that wont force you to tighten (or loosen) your belt . . . like a nice hot bubble bath? Michelle Dresbold is a nationally known handwriting expert and personality profiler. She is the author of Sex, Lies, and Handwriting, published by Simon & Schuster's Free Press. Mail your handwritten questions and comments to: The Handwriting Doctor, P.O. Box 1161, Monroeville, PA 15146.
While clubbing it up a 29-year-old man runs into an old friend from school. They say Whats Up and decide to get together the following night at the old schoolmates place. When the guy shows up at his old buddys house the friend points a handgun at him and forces him to the ground and jacks his wallet; 100 block Lorick Circle.
AUGUST 1, 2007
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AUGUST 1, 2007
A Dude and a Jackie Treehorn, both from Charleston, S.C. puzzle over some important shit that has come to light, man.
official event hotel on Saturday afternoon. A place that might have been chic about thirty years ago, the Ex is an aging architectural and interior-design novelty, which pleased Ben Ward, an architect who now works in Myrtle Beach. With him was Josh Meyers, a park ranger for Mecklenburg County, and Daniel Mast, who works for a cable company in Charlotte. They had finally decided to make the trek to Louisville this year and planned to participate in the costume contest at that nights bowling party. All gainfully employed, they denied the notion that their employment lessened their appreciation of the movie and its celebration of The Dudes lazy lifestyle. He was by far the most popular character at Lebowski Fest. There were fat Dudes and thin ones, tall and short, men and women. Like a bizarre gathering of shopping mall Santas, the Dudes admired each others style, and generally carried themselves with the requisite selfassured air of moral superiority. Two Dudes in particular stand out from the evening: the first, from Lexington, Kentucky, got into the gig when random people would order him White Russians at bars, at least according to his special lady. This Dude was in publishing when not attending Lebowski Fest, and in place of a rusty green 1973 Ford Torino drove a brand-new Volvo XC 90. The Dude in a Volvo? What was happening here? The other Dude I got to know came with a group of middle-aged men from Charleston. Since he remained in character for much of the night, much of what I learned about him came from his entourage, a rather convincing Walter who came packing a legitimate handgun, an
eerily affable Jackie Treehorn (the films Porn magnate, played by Ben Gazzara), and a sloppily drunk Brandt (the Big Lebowskis secretary, played by Philip Seymour Hoffman). This Brandt, who was throwing down yet another White Russian, admired the party, spouting the occasional axiom of his own brand of crude hedonism: be young, get drunk, fuck a lot of women. Ah, yes, about those women. Surprisingly, there were more than a few of them there. I had always viewed the Big Lebowski as a guy movie, but as one charming redhead named Theresa Rogers explained to me: Girls have buddies too. Still, she was a bit of an outlier overall. A microbiology Ph.D. student at Ohio State, she came to Lebowski Fest with a Jackie Treehorn named Clint Page, who did his undergrad at USC and is now also in microbiology grad school at Georgia. They met when she was an undergrad at Georgia, but unlike most of the malefemale traveling partners at Lebowski Fest, they were not a couple. Most women, it seemed, were there to keep an eye on their boyfriends. At least one hadnt seen the movie until the day before. A trivia challenge was held along with the costume contest, and as the night wore on, Miller High Life after Miller High Life, the Walter from Charleston became very concerned about his odds of winning. I told him it didnt look good, and when his Dude was defeated by the Dude from Lexington, Walter did not take the loss very well. [My friend] just got rolled by a fat bitch from Kentucky, he remarked curtly. I began to worry about the pistol. The next thing I knew, I saw the Charleston Jackie Treehorn supporting the stumbling Charleston Dude on his way out of the bowling alley. In what was quickly becoming a disturbing version of a massive bowling birthday party gone wrong, with darkness washing over the Dudes in us all, I managed to find some explanation in the dazed faces of the two young microbiologists. They told me what Id been looking for all along in this strange cinematic spectacle, that true imitation of the films characters was not what these Achievers were after. No one in our moment, in our generation, it seems, is really out to seriously live life like the Dude does. That is not something they want. Instead, theyre comfortable just knowing that hes out there, takin her easy for all us sinners. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
AUGUST 1, 2007
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AUGUST 1, 2007
ARIES
When I said to immerse yourself in the wonders of salsa, I meant for you to take up Latin dance, not soak in the popular tomato-based sauce.
TAURUS
Dont worry about what the other young priests say. Theres a poetic sort of grace in paying off your expensive theology degree with jackpot winnings from a Vegas brothel casino.
GEMINI
You will rethink your nudist philosophy after an unfortunate carpentry mishap with a belt sander.
CANCER
Your dry spell will come to an abrupt halt when you begin dating a girl so freaky she considers strawberry Astroglide one of the five major condiments.
LEO
You will find that when youre drunk Duran Duran really holds up. When youre sober ...not so much.
VIRGO
When describing your homeboys new airbrushed Nikes and matching jump suit, use either stoopid, dope, or fresh to display your approval. But, only pick one adjective. Stringing all three together seems both excessive and needy.
LIBRA
By dumb luck, you always seem to run into the same cute brunette at the precise moment you and your buddy happen to be buying a bottle of Merlot or picking up Tiger Lily bulbs for his girlfriend or a pair of pantyhose for a costume party. Does the brunette now suspect that the two of you are a gay couple? Oh, yes. ...And Im beginning to wonder myself
SCORPIO
Instead of wasting all the expensive Noxzema hand cream youll spill next week, just spoon it into your roommates empty vanilla yogurt containers and place it in the fridge next to all his other yogurt for safe keeping.
SAGITTARIUS
All these modern gadgets are just a flash in the pan. As a scientist, you need to really push the envelope and reinvent the wheel. Like the guy who first carved ass grooves into seats. Now thats ingenuity at work.
CAPRICORN
Having dressed hurriedly in the pre-dawn light before work, you will realize with horror what happened to your daughters missing sock puppet art project when you take off your shoes at the gym and shriek to find the smushed corpse of Mr. Jingles grinning horribly from your left foot.
AQUARIUS
Your life depends on this prediction and it is so important that words alone will not suffice. Ill have to mime most of it to get the full point across:
PISCES
Pisces, you should really make an effort to enjoy the plastic, fluorescent-colored fun of the clogs footwear craze. Its like living the 1980s jelly shoe thing all over again! God, I totally have to hear some old Cyndi Lauper right now.
AUGUST 1, 2007
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When one drives down State St. in West Columbia, one might notice the new business located beside Thompsons Funeral Home called H2O and ask, What exactly is an alternative watering hole? Well as Gordon, one of the bartenders there says, We are a gay, straight-friendly bar. Take it from me, a straight guy, he is telling the truth. Having frequented the establishment for its friendly bar staff and great happy hour prices, I can tell you first hand that H2O is a relaxing, comfortable place to kick back and enjoy a drink. H2Os owner, Nikki, is always happy to see new faces walk into the bar, which she opened in November of 2006. Located at 220 State Street, H2O is just a short drive over the Gervais St. Bridge into West Columbia. Happy hour is from 5 p.m. 8 p.m., where one can enjoy a cold pint of Yuengling for only $2, or one of their low priced house liquors. So if you are ever out on the town one night and cant think of anything to do, go by and check out H2O. Whether it is karaoke with D.J. Slinky on Thursdays, or The Waterbois with host Chanel Stevens on Sundays, you are always guaranteed to have a good time at H2O. And, dont forget, if you are service industry personnel, its happy hour prices all night long!
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AUGUST 1, 2007
Wednesday, August 1 New Brookland Tavern 10pm Freestyle Battle Utopia Little Bobby Blue Band Thursday, August 2 Caf Strudel Tripp Jillians Shagging w/ the Stars New Brookland Tavern 8pm The Distance And Then There Was You Snapshots and Streetlights Utopia Payy Ficken & Cam Mullikin Friday, August 3 Caf Studel Bentz Kirby Headliners 8pm Operator Oldstate Downcide New Brookland Tavern 5pm Because of This For Which We Kill Your Chance to Die Break The Ties
New Brookland Tavern 9pm Suhgarium Voodoo Guru Erley Grace Saturday, August 4 The Art Bar Greasers Ball w/ The Defilers F13 Jimmy and the Teasers Caf Studel Jacob Johnson New Brookland Tavern 5:30pm Meant to Be Morbid Utopia Jim Errante & Jason Switzer Sunday, August 5 New Brookland Tavern 6:30 The Moultrie Killer Hell Within These Dying Days Dark Day Rising Restless Oblivion Monday, August 6 New Brookland Tavern 6pm Kill Whitney Dead The Tony Danza Tap-dance Extravaganza From The Shallows The Demonstraion
Tuesday, August 7 Jillians Coverpalooza New Brookland Tavern 6:30pm xBishopx The Red Baron Jump The Shark Brothers Utopia Cathedrals of the Soul Wednesday, August 8 New Brookland Tavern 6pm New Music Night w/ Obraskai Kenny George Hovoc Utopia Jules Verne Thursday, August 9 The Art Bar Latin Night Sabor JOuvert Caf Strudel Chris Compton Jillians Shagging w/ the Stars New Brookland Tavern 8pm This Machine is Me Trances Arc
The Young Immortals Say Vandely Utopia Payy Ficken & Cam Mullikin Friday, August 10 The Art Bar Art Bar Players Caf Strudel Kimberly Summer New Brookland Tavern 7pm Colour Revolt Manchester Orchestra Eric Skelton All Get Out New Brookland Tavern 11pm Dance Party w/ David Love Saturday, August 11 The Art Bar Uncle Wilcos Son American Gun Caf Strudel Jason Beckham Headliners 9pm Panacea A Cadence Paradigm
New Brookland Tavern 5pm The Hundredth Erison Aniston Headfirst For Halos New Brookland Tavern 9pm Midnight Train Dr. Harry Woo A Chime in Darkness Utopia Jim Errante & Jason Switzer Sunday, August 12 Headliners 6pm Saosin The Bled Cities Apart Fallen from the Sky New Brookland Tavern 7pm The Decade Woodale Corey Crowder Automatic Love Letter Tuesday, August 14 Headliners 8pm The Crazy Anglos The Secret State Infinite Kessler Jillians Coverpalooza
New Brookland Tavern 7pm Closer Farewell Flight Veara This Waking Moment Derek DeBruin Utopia Cathedrals of the Soul Wednesday, August 15 Headliners 8pm Sick Puppies Strata Cinder Road Blue Cloud Ruffians New Brookland Tavern 7pm Sequoyah Prep School American Diary Utopia Little Bobby Blue Band
The (art) Garage 728 S Edisto Ave myspace.com/theartgaragesc Art Bar 1211 Park St. 803.929.0198 Buckets Cafe 114 Glassmaster Rd. Lexington , Cafe Strudel 118 State St., West Cola (803) 794-6634 Headliners 700 Gervais St. 803.796.2333 Hunter Gatherer 900 Main St. 803.748.0540 Jillians 800 Gervais St.803.779.7789 Macs on Main 1710 Main St. New Brookland Tavern 122 State St. 803.791.4413 Utopia 406 Howard St 733-2222
ROADTRIP
Charleston, South Carolina SUNDAY, AUGUST 5 Riley Park Jars of Clay THURSDAY, AUGUST 16 Music Farm Against Me! Gaslight Anthem Two Gallants SATURDAY, AUGUST 18 Music Farm Beeath the Masacre Ion Dissonance Through the Eyes of the Dead Rocco DeLuca & The Burden Asheville, North Carolina FRIDAY, AUGUST 3 Biltmore Estates Kenny Rogers SATURDAY, AUGUST 4 Biltmore Estates The B-52s FRIDAY, AUGUST 10 Biltmore Estates Chris Isaak Clay Aiken SUNDAY, AUGUST 19 Orange Peel Shinedown Charlotte, North Carolina WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1 Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Ben Folds John Mayer THURSDAY, AUGUST 2 Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Kenny Chesney SUNDAY, AUGUST 5 Ovens Auditorium Fiona Apple Nickle Creek WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8 Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Linkin Park HIM Atlanta, GA
FRIDAY, AUGUST 3 Atlanta Botanical Garden Joan Osborne Center Stage Emily King, Floetry SATURDAY, AUGUST 4 The Earl Rudy Ray Moore, aka Dolemite TUESDAY, AUGUST 7 HiFi Buys Amphitheatre Linkin Park HIM FRIDAY, AUGUST 10 Chastain Park Amphitheatre Peter, Paul & Mary TUESDAY, AUGUST 14 Masquerade, Hopesfall The Receiving End of Sirens
LOLLAPALOOZA August 3-5 Grant Park, Chicago Performers: Pearl Jam, Ben Harper, Iggy and the Stooges, Modest Mouse, Patti Smith and more. www.lollapalooza.com VIRGIN FESTIVAL August 4-5, Baltimore Performers: The Police, Smashing Pumpkins, Beastie Boys, Wu Tang Clan, Modest Mouse , Ben Harper, Cheap Trick, Bad Brains, 311, The Crystal Method, Spoon, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and more. www.virginfestival.com PROJEKT REVOLUTION TOUR August 7 HiFi Buys Amphitheatre w/ Linkin Park, HIM, Julien-K, Madina Lake, Mindless Self Indulgence, My Chemical Romance, Placebo, Saosin Styles and Beyond, Taking back Sunday, The Bled FAMILY VALUES TOUR August 11 HiFi Buys Amphitheatre w/ Atreyu, Korn, Droid, Evanescence, Five Finger Death Punch, Flyleaf, Hellyeah, Invitro, Neurosonic, Trivium, Twin Method ASHEFEST August 24-26, Deerfields, Asheville, North Carolina Performers: RAQ, New Monsoon, The Codetalkers, UMelt, Green Lemon, The Burnin Smyrnans, The Recipe, Barefoot Manner, Particle, The Afromotive, Stillwood, and many more. Check out ashefest.com for more details AUSTIN CITY LIMITS MUSIC FESTIVAL September 14-16 Austin, Texas Performers: Bob Dylan, Bjork, White Stripes, The Killers, Arcade Fire, Muse, My Morning Jacket, Joss Stone, Spoon, Yo la Tengo, Blonde Redhead, and more. www.aclfestival.com
UPCOMING FESTIVALS
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AUGUST 1, 2007
Above: The charismatic Anthony Green of Philadelphias Circa Survive gets the Atlanta crowd swaying at Warped Tour. Below: A young concert-goer laughs off her head wound during Haste the Day in Atlanta.
Above: Colour Revolts Jesse Coppenbarger sings about clowns, lions and elephants at W.C. Dons in Jackson, Mississipi in the Spring of 06 while on tour with Columbias Ben Walker Radio and Burns Out Bright. Below: B.J. Barnum of American Aquarium performs at the Pour House in the bands hometown of Raleigh, NC in July.
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Local Artist Tyler Blanton will have her work on exhibit at Saks Fifth Avenue in Charleston until fall
Through September 13 "Dawn Hunter Hours: Wed., Thur., & Sat., 10am-5pm; Fri., Spectacle Spectacular: Wonder Woman's Island". Closing Reception September 13, 10am-9pm, & Sun., 1-5pm. Contact: 5-7 PM. 803/799-2810 or at (www.columbiamuseum.org). Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9am-4:30pm & Sun. 14pm. Contact: Mana Hewitt, Gallery McKissick Museum Director at 803/777-7480 or e-mail at University of South Carolina, USC (mana@sc.edu). Horseshoe, Columbia Through Dec. 8 - "A Call for All: The Great War Summons the Palmetto State" Ongoing - "Highlights from the Permanent SC State Museum 301 Gervais Street, Columbia Lipscomb Gallery (first floor), Through
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AUGUST 1, 2007
Across 1 Naomi of 2005's "King Kong" 6 Pressly of "My Name Is Earl" 11 Cingular's current owner, for short 14 Multiple choice options, maybe 15 Lucy's neighbor 16 Hurled prop 17 Meteorologist's urgent warning 19 See 64-across 20 Paris Hilton recording 21 Solicit customers 22 "___ died and made you king?" 25 Golfer Michelle 26 Voluptuousness 27 Pressure positions 32 "___ Swings Lightly" (1958 vocal jazz album) 33 Bite, as someone's ankles 34 Chicago transportation 41 Send tax returns via the Internet 42 Gateway Arch designer Saarinen 43 Prevented from entering 48 Letter between whiskey and foxtrot, maybe 49 Bale stuff 50 Weather vane dir. 51 Kermit's greeting 52 Repairs pumps, perhaps 56 Bird Down Under
Jonesin Crosswords
made 35 Blown-out style 36 Three times a day, in pharmacist shorthand 37 Palindromic 1998 Busta Rhymes album 38 "Are ___ the same page here?" 39 Elvis's middle name 40 Days long gone 43 Author of "The Sandman" series Neil 44 Taken off the wall 45 Like complex questions 46 Glowing ring 47 Sight to take in 48 First letter in "thanatos" 52 Architect Mies van der ___ 53 McGregor who played Obi-Wan 54 Did a communications director's job 55 Cyberspace place 57 Blotter paper substance 58 Eye cover 59 Prefix for freak 60 ___ Quentin 2007 Jonesin' Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800655-6548. Reference puzzle #0320.
AUGUST 1, 2007
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NAME: DEAN AGE: 48 LOCATION: MAIN STREET QUOTE: HE SHOT ME IN MY SIDE, SHOT ME IN MY THIGH.
As for homeless life in Columbia Dean says its been real rough. He hasn't had a bath in "God knows when. Diabetes isn't his only health problem. My right testicle was swelled up this big with some kind of thing on the side, he says, using his thumb and forfinger to make a large "C". The doctor said if Id have left it in there like that it would have spread through my body and killed me. Health issues arent the only thing keeping his outlook grim. Theres a local police officer who harasses him nonstop. Hes been arrested and locked up and calls it no fun. He drinks occasionally but only when he cant sleep. Many years ago he tried crack but it didnt do nothing for him and he left it alone. For now he sleeps every night at a church. For Dean, his daily routine is to go out and try to hustle money for food if he cant find a soup or hot dog line. He spends most of his time hungry and everything he owns he carries in his cooler, green military pack or hard plastic buckets. Hes disabled so he cant work and is dragging his feet in dealing with the agencies that can help him find a job because its a lot of paperwork and running around giving doctors names to this agency or that. As for the people downtown he says youll find some of them that are real nasty. When you ask them for change they act like theyre better than you are, he says. I say Let me ask you this: suppose youd be in my position. Homeless. Aint got a home. Lost everything. Lose your home, lose your land, lose your vehicle. What are you going to do then? Youre going to be out here on the streets just like I am. Sleeping.' I basically tell em just like that. And it really pisses me off. Its not fun being out here. Dean doesnt see his situation getting any better. Youll be hungry 99.9 percent of the time. Be holding your stomach. And in this heat youll catch diarrhea quick. You have to basically try and be near a restroom as close as possible. If you dont, you crap in your clothes. Thats not fun. For Dean theres not a lot fun about being in his situation and he says as long as he prays to God he hopes it will get better. But hes not betting on it. He takes off his hat and slings his sweaty blonde hair back over his sunburned scalp and rubs his face. His eyes blink and blink and blink and it begins to rain. He looks at his belongings strewn around him as they slowly start to get wet. He shakes his head and looks at the ground. Its no fun, sir, he says again and stands up. He knows a place where he can sit without getting wet. "It's no fun."
BY COREY HUTCHINS At mid-afternoon Saturday on Main Street in downtown Columbia, Dean, an eccentric-looking 48-year-old homeless white man with bombed out eyes, long stringy blonde hair and a brown bowlers cap is carrying a large blue cooler in one hand and a large plastic bucket full of dirty clothes in the other. Hes dressed in an outfit that can only be described as rodeo-clownmeets-Great-Depression-traveling-hobo and his colorful striped shirt is open to display a sunburned chest and massive pale stomach. His skin is scabby, and fresh blue stitches poke from a cinched-up gash on his right forearm. Bushy blonde eyebrows are perched atop a pair of vacant blue eyes that blink constantly. He has a blonde mustache that curls around a glistening gummy mouth with zero teeth. Excuse me, sir, he says to passersby in front of Drakes Duck In. Would you happen to have any change so a fella could get something to eat? Dean became homeless after his father shot him with a .38-caliber pistol. It was down in Lexington outside of Red Bank, he says as he sits down on his cooler and picks through a to-go box of Chinese food. He was at his parents' house and his mother thought shed seen a face in the window, so Dean went to check it out. My dad, he was out there drinking all day, he says. So he told me to get my ass back in the house. The next thing I knew he shot me in my side, shot me in my thigh. Deans father went to jail, hardly doing any time, and Dean went to live with his aunt. When he came back home he didnt know his sister had put a trespassing warrant on him and Lexington County locked him up. If Id have known that all this would have happened I would have never went back, he says. Since then hes been on the streets of Columbia splitting his time between the winter shelters and the hospital (due to the fact that I fell down to my knees puking my guts out). He has diabetes.
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AUGUST 1, 2007
su|do|ku
PSYCHO SUDOKU -- "Kaidoku" Each of the 26 letters of the alphabet is represented in this grid by a number between 1 and 26. Using letter frequency, word-pattern recognition, and the numbers as your guides, fill in the grid with well-known English words. Only lowercase, unhyphenated words are allowed in kaidoku, so you wont see anything like STOCKHOLM or LONG-LOST in here. Now solve!! psychosudoku@hotmail.com
PSYCHO SUDOKU
AUGUST 1, 2007
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SavageLove
SEX ADVICE COLUMN
BY DAN SAVAGE
Im 18 years old and my girlfriend and I have been engaging in sexual acts. She has no problem coming, but when it comes to sexual intercourse she cant orgasm. Is my penis not doing the job correctly? She says she feels good, but cant climax. Could there be something wrong with her? I dont know what to do. The Lost Boy Heres what you do, TLB: You play with your girlfriends clit while you fuck her. Her clit, TLB, her clit. Play with her motherfucking clit. While you fuck her. HER CLIT. Play with her clit. If thats too difficulttoo much like fucking and chewing gum with your fingers at the same timeencourage your girlfriend to play with her clit while you fuck her. HER CLIT. While you fuck her. Play with her clit. And rest assured, TLB, theres nothing wrong with your cock or your girlfriends pussy. Most women require additional clitoral stimulation during vaginal intercourse in order to get offand if you stop stressing out and think about it, youll realize the reason. But just in case you cant read and think at the same time, here it is: While youre fucking your girlfriend, the most sensitive part of your cockthe headis getting direct, intense stimulation. But the most sensitive part of her sex organsher clitapparently isnt getting any, or isnt getting enough, direct, intense stimulation. So, TLB, it could be that the positions youre fucking in dont provide direct stimulation to your girlfriends clit, or your girlfriends clit is positioned in such a way that no sexual position can provide the stimulation she needs, or shes one of those womenone of the majoritythat requires focused, direct, intense stimulation in order to come (like the kind she gets during oral or masturbation). Which means, TLB, that if you both want her to come during vaginal intercourse, then youll have to incorporate a little manual stimulation into your fucking routine. Which brings us back to Play with her clit while you fuck her. HER CLIT. While you fuck her. Play with her clit. I have a bit of an issue with a fantasy: I am turned on by the idea of a woman dying during climax. This would seem to be one of those fantasies that is impossible to fulfill, consensual or otherwise, as I cannot go around killing women. The police would find it odd. I am at a loss. Any ideas? Impossible Fetish Like any poor motherfucker with an impossibleto-realize fantasy or fetishpeople turned on by giants, boytaurs, U.S. senators in diapers youre going to have to find an indulgent partner and realize your absolutely insane turn on through role-play and dirty talk. (Unless youre an actual U.S. senator, of course, and then you just have to hire an escort to diaper you.) Find an indulgent girlfriendperhaps one of the many morbid goth girls who stream by under my office window every day?willing to engage in safe, sane, and nonhomicidal death play. She pretends to die; you derive as much pleasure as possible from the pretense. But first, youre going to have to learn to talk about your fetish without sounding so fucking creepy, IF. Yes, its an inherently creepy fantasy, but no sane womannot even one who shares your fetishis going to fuck a death fetishist who muses about consensual or otherwise scenarios or suggests that problems with the police are his first concern. I have been masturbating every night since the fourth grade and now I am 23. I cant get to sleep without it. Is this normal behavior? Have any other women ever asked about this? Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep No one else has ever asked about this, NILMDTS. But people tend to write to me when they have problems, and what youve described doesnt sound like a problem to me. I was wondering what constitutes virginity and whether you would consider me a virgin. The most I have done is let two people perform oral sex on me, but I have never myself engaged in a sexual act. Does this make me a virgin? I would like to think so. I believe that sex involves penetration (anal or vaginal) or actively performing oral sex. Boy In Florida I was tapping out a response for you, BIF, when my inbox started filling up with e-mails about Bob Allen, a state representative in Florida who offeredallegedly, allegedlyan undercover cop $20 for, uh, a little oral-sex performance. In addition to being a cheap bastard, Allen is a married man andof course, of coursea gay-bashing, conservative Republican asswipe. Allens arrest came so soon after Republican U.S. Senator David Vitters admission of hiring prostitutes that, sheesh, it felt like Christmas in July. If I may: Josh Marshall at TalkingPointsMemo was confused about whether Allen wanted the cop to blow him or if Allen wanted to blow the cop; Marshall was also confused about whether Allen was offering payment or requesting payment. One look at Allen clears up the payment question: This is not a man who gets paid for sex. As for the who-blows-whom issue, like many straight men, Marshall doesnt see blowjobs as a pleasurable activity for the blower. Thats what a lifetime of getting head from straight women can do to a guy. Josh? When a male escort is engaged for oral sex, it is almost always the escort who is serviced, not the client, because many gay men and many, many straight-identified menactually enjoy giving head. Please make a note of it. BIF? All those escorts out there graciously accepting blowjobs from their clients? Theyre not virgins, kiddo, and neither are you. But I can see why youre confused: Abstinence education, purity balls, and the failure of males to evolve hymens has made virginity harder to define. Do we lose our virginities all at once? In dribs and drabs? How can some girls be old pros at oral and anal and still consider themselves virgins on their wedding nights? Savage Love readers? Im punting this one to you: What constitutes virginity? When do we lose it? Do we have more than one to lose? This is in response to IPRUDE, the mother whos worried about her sons online porn consumption. Ill never forget the day my mom found my porn magazines. She never confronted me; I simply lifted the mattress one afternoon to find my precious Penthouses gone. In their place: Sunset magazine and Good Housekeeping. It was a reminder that (1) I needed to do a better job of hiding my porn, and (2) that she wouldnt have found it in the first place if she didnt have to clean my damn room for me. It was the most effective nonconversation we ever had. Heres an update for the internet age: IPRUDE should clear the cache of her internet browser, so the zillions of porn website addresses dont show up as soon as she begins typing a URL. Cache cleared, Mom should type in some made-up URLs: www.stoplookingatporn.com, www.asianslutsarepeopletooyouknow.com, and www.fortheloveofgodjasonquitwatchingexploitativeasianporn.net, etc. It wont matter that these websites dont exist; the browsers autocomplete function will list them as soon as her son types the first letter of his favorite porn URL. Modern Times Good advice, MT, thanks for sharing. mail@savagelove.net
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AUGUST 1, 2007
#3 Chuck: 24 hours in Cola. 1. Family Members and so-called friends 2. People who cant drive 3. That I cant find a place to piss
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AUTOMOTIVE 992 Buick LeSabre $500.00 2007 Still Runs Mostly Good for Parts. Newish Starter and Alternator. AT. (803)772-6674 2000 CHEVY MALIBU 110K miles, 4 door, FWD, Sedan AUTO 4SPD, 3.1L V6, A/C, Am/Fm/CD Audio System, Cloth Upholstery, Daytime Running Lights, Power Door Locks, Power Exterior Mirrors, Power Windows, Rear Window Defroster, Remote Trunk Release, Steering Wheel Tilt Adjustable.Call Marcelo, (262)442-7939 or (803)898-0866 (Work). $4,000.00 OBO is available now, test drive it anytime. Wanted: 93 Dodge Dakota 4WD Wed May 30 20:49:32 +0000 2007 Need frame in good shape to replace one that rusted through. EMPLOYMENT Great for stay at home moms and college students! This is a PT Data Entry position. All work is completed at your home computer via Internet/Email. No phone calling. Very easy work. To apply, visit us at www.DEWWMarketing.bravehost.com West Columbia/Irmo/Lexington, S.C. Freelance Writers Columbia City Paper seeks professional freelance writers to add to our team. Please send queries and article proposals to todd@columbiacitypaper.com FOR SALE Wedding and Event Flowers Professional floral artist Ashley L. Cooper can create beautiful works of art for your next event or your wedding. Petal Perfection has over 7 years of experience working with brides. Please visit our website www.petalperfectionandplanning.com Free wedding consultation with booking. 803-
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Put your skates on and lace up, its time to kick some ass. Bare knees and knuckles fly by as the roller derby girls take the lead as the new It sport. Its rough and nasty and these girls mean business when they come up behind you on the track. More than likely you are going down and if you walk away youll have a few bruises and sprains to prove you were there; these are the ornaments and consolation prizes and they prove that this sport is not for the pampered or prissy. Most sports historians agree that roller derby got its start in Chicago on Aug. 13, 1935. It was during the Great Depression and similar to the marathon dances that provided food and shelter while athletes competed, a marathon race of endurance was held by Leo Seltzer, a sports promoter. The goal was to complete 57,000 laps around the rink which was equal to the distance across the United States. After some accidental tangles, a New York sportswriter by the name of Damon Runyan suggested that contact be a part of the game. Over the years roller derby mutated to become how we know it today: hot chicks, tight clothing, elbows and fists. Coach Dena Webber (a.k.a. Auntie Psycho) of the Columbia Quad Squad is a no-nonsense kind of chick. At a very hot 45 years old, mother of three and bad ass on the track, she founded the Quad Squad on March 18 after moving to
Members of Columbias Quad Squad roller derby team Debi Schadel, Hilary Jackson, Kara Cox and Jaime Cavanaugh practice on Sunday evening in Lexington.
Commission, who skated as a kid but has not donned a pair of skates since, that is, until roller derby came along. Violent Femme insists, Had I known that joining a derby league was going to be a possibility I would have skated all the time. On Aug. 4 at 6 p.m. the fabulous girls of the Quad Squad will hold a fundraiser for their team at Keg O Nails Restaurant on Rosewood Drive. Keg O Nails graciously agreed to help the team in their fundraising by not only hosting the event but also by donating 10 percent of each bill to the team. Anyone is welcome and those who attend will enjoy food and drink specials named after the girls. There will be videos playing of the Quad Squad practicing as well as other all girl roller derby teams skating. Live music and a photo corner where you can get up close and personal with the ladies will be there along with a presentation and a run down of the rules of the game. In short: it will be hot girls on roller skates who arent afraid to kick ass and take names. If you would like to know more about the Columbia Quad Squad or are interested in trying out, visit them at www.myspace.com/columbiaquadsquad or you may contact Auntie Psycho at 864-313-3825. A Web page is in the works and should be up sometime soon. That Web address will be www.columbiaquadsquad.com. -MAGDALENE KELLETT
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AUGUST 1, 2007