Praxis Skills Training and Consultancy Sdn. Bhd.

Managing People: An Applied

Psychological Approach

Dr.Arivalan.

DBA, PhD,

Certified NLP Coach(ABNLP) and Master Hypnotherapist(IACT)

Note for Participants

Note: Some slides with supporting
information shall be skipped.
However, the participants could use
those slides as their references after
the workshop.

 Once upon a time there was bear

who was hungry and a man who was
cold, so they decided to negotiate in
a neutral cave. After several hours a
settlement was reached. When they
emerged the man had a fur and the
bear was no longer hungry.

Communication model
FILTERS
DELETE
DISTORT
GENERALISE
Time/Space
INTERNAL
REP

Matter/Energy

EXTERNAL
EVENT

Language
Memories

STATE

2 Billion bits per sec

Decisions
Meta Programs
PHYSIOLOGY

Values & Beliefs

Attitudes

BEHAVIOUR

RESULTS

Realities of Communication
RESPECT
UR-WORLD
Psychology

Respect for the other person's model of the world.

Behavior and change are to be evaluated in terms of context, and
Ecology
Resistance in a client is a Sign of a lack of rapport. (There are no resistant
clients, only inflexible communicators. Effective communicators accept
and utilize all communication presented to them.)
People are not their behaviors. (Accept the person; change the behavior.)
Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have
available. (Behavior is geared for adaptation, and present behavior is the
best choice available. Every behavior is motivated by a positive intent.)
Calibrate on Behavior: The most important information about a person is
that person's behavior.

Realities of Communication
Psychology
The map is not the Territory. (The words we use are NOT
the event or the item they represent.)
(U) You are in charge of your mind , and therefore your
results (and I am also in charge of my mind and therefore
my results).
People have all the Resources they need to succeed and to
achieve their desired outcomes. (There are no un
resourceful people, only un resourceful states.)
All procedures should increase Wholeness
There is ONLY feedback! (There is no failure, only
feedback.)
The meaning of communication is the Response you get.
The Law of Requisite Variety: (The system/person with the
most flexibility of behavior will control the system.)
All procedures should be Designed to increase choice.

Emotional Intelligent

11

EI

What is emotional intelligence?

What are the components?
What drives situational climate?
What are the six leadership styles?
What is the best style for specific situational
climates?
What are the keys to success?

Emotional intelligence is
twice as important as
cognitive abilities in predicting
employee performance and
accounts for more than 85%
of star performance in top
leaders
Daniel Goleman, Harvard Business Review

13

The Five Components of EI

Self-Awareness -The ability to recognize and understand

your moods, emotions, and drivers, as well as their effects on others

Self-Management/Regulation -

The ability to control

or redirect disruptive impulses and moods and to think before act

Motivation

-A passion to work for reasons that go beyond

money and status. A propensity to pursue goals with energy and
persistence

Empathy

- A propensity to pursue goals with energy and

persistence. Skill in treating people according to their emotional
reactions

Social Skills

- Proficiency in managing relationship and building

networks. An ability to find common ground and build rapport

14

More potent predictors of career

success were

Ability to handle frustrations

manage own emotions
manage own social skills
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15

Out of control emotions

Impair reasoning (even smart people
sometimes act stupidly)
May increase the likelihood that chronic
emotional problems will result, (e.g.,
clinical depression or chronic anxiety or
hostility)

Managing ones own emotions

16

Who are we? Who are the others?

The Herrmanns whole brain model

Source: Whole Brain Model, by Ned Herrmann

17

Mini case on emotions

Ms.Nita is a hardworking clerk and have worked in a IT company
for more than five years. sHe is liked by the operators and her
colleagues well. She is very friendly and achieve the assigned
tasks without fail. Nimi joined the company 3 months ago and she
is very close to Azlina, their boss. Azlina and Nimi are childhood
friends and Azlina is the one who brought Nimi to the company.
Even though Nimi is a good worker, sometimes she seeks Nitas
advice on the work related matters. Nimi is not friendly as
compared to Nita. Furthermore, Nita used to guide Nimi on some
documentation matters. After one year, Azlina promoted Nimi to
become the supervisor while Nita was given a normal pay rise.
Nita was very disappointed with Azlina and tendered her
resignation. During the exit interview she gave a nasty comments
about Azlinas favoritism attitude towards Nimi. The management
requested Nita to reconsider her resignation and willing to
promote her to higher position in different department.
Question: Who is wrong and who is right?
What will you do if you belong to a higher management team?

18

The Johari Window

A TOOL FOR INCREASING SELF AWARENESS

Self-Disclosure

20

Johari window example - increasing

open area through feedback
solicitation

This Johari Window model diagram is

an example of increasing the open
area , by reduction of the blind area,
which would normally be achieved
through the process of asking for and
then receiving feedback.
Feedback develops the open area by
reducing the blind area.

The open area can also be developed

through the process of disclosure,
which reduces the hidden area.
The unknown area can be reduced in different ways: by others'
observation (which increases the blind area); by self-discovery (which
increases the hidden area), or by mutual enlightenment - typically via
group experiences and discussion - which increases the open area as
the unknown area reduces.
21

Discussion
With your team, take a moment to list down the
activities or information in the open, hidden area, blind
area and unknown area that is directly related to your
duties.
After that, explain to the class what is the impact of the
blind, hidden and unknown area on your performances.
What should you do to improve the situation?

22

26

Influence of the Intrinsic and

Extrinsic Factors
Extrinsic Factors/
External Stimuli

Intrinsic Factors/
Psychology

27

Understanding a Context is crucial for

using the Language and Behavior
Profile
The frame of reference a person puts around a
situation is the Context. Since human beings are
flexible by nature, they are able to behave
differently at different times. Are we talking
about you at work, in a coaching situation, in a
couple relationship, with your kids, with your
peers, when you are on holiday, or when you are
buying a house? Simply because a person has a
certain pattern (or habit) in a given place and
time does not indicate that she will have that
same pattern in another Context.

28

Motivation Traits
The first six categories in the LAB Profile
show you how a person triggers and
maintains their motivation.
You learn how to detect each pattern and
what each person needs to get interested
or
excited
about
something,
and
conversely, what would turn them off.
Each pattern is described in its extreme
form.
Behavior predictions are only valid in the
same Context in which the subject was
profiled.
29

Motivation Traits
How people trigger and maintain their interest level
and conversely, what will de-motivate them.
Each pattern is described below in its extreme form.

30

Language and Behaviour Profile (LAB)

31

Language and Behaviour Profile (LAB)

32

Language and Behaviour Profile (LAB)

Methods

USING THE LAB PROFILE

People often ask: "Am I always that way?"
The answer is no. We move, we grow, and
our response to significant events in our
lives can change how we function. These
changes show up in the LAB Profile
patterns we use in conversation. Because
our behavior can vary in different
situations, you will need to make sure that
you have clearly and specifically identified
the Context when using the LAB Profile
questions.
34

USING THE LAB PROFILE cont

In coaching, this relates to the problem that the client
wants to solve in his/her sessions with you. You will also
need to verify that the person you are profiling is
answering from the same Context and that they
haven't switched into a different one

35

USING THE LAB PROFILE cont

Whenever a person describes a "where", "when" and
"with whom" (plus a predicate), they are identifying a
Context. Generally, when you coachee changes
something in the composition of the "where", "when"
and "with whom" they changed context!

36

LANGUAGE AND BEHAVIOUR

PROFILE

PSYCHOLOGY BASED INFLUENCING SKILLS

Change your
thinking and you
change your
world.

37

Case for discussion

Chong is a man with less talk but very detail in his work. He
rarely appreciate his subordinates even though he does his
duties well on time. One of the working habits he posses is that
he always like to change the work procedures and methods to
enhance the productivity. These approach at a times confuses
the operators on which methods to choose. He seems to know
everything about the process and the machines and very
frequently he has conflicts with technicians on the time taken
to adjust the machines that went wrong. There were few
occasions that he repaired the machine by himself and got into
trouble.
Question, identify Chongs personality based on the LAB Profile
As Chongs supervisor, How does the knowledge of the
personality type could assist you to understand and
communicate with Chong better.
38

39

Refer to further details in additional

notes slides

40

Organising Brainstorming Ideas

Fishbone Diagram

Fishbone diagrams are a graphical way to

organize and record brainstorming ideas
Also called cause and effect diagram or
Ishikawa Diagram
To construct a fishbone diagram the
following procedure is used:

41

Fishbone Diagram
Major (1st Level) Cause

2nd Level Causes

Major (1st Level) Cause

2nd Level Causes

Problem
(Effect)
2nd Level Causes

2nd Level Causes

Major (1st Level) Cause

Major (1st Level) Cause

42

Case: Intimidation (Class Discussion)

Overview: Azlina has received subtle pressure to grant
Nimi special favors. Most of this pressure has come from
Nimi, who let Azlina know she would support her in turn
for certain freedoms to which she was entitled and
because of his seniority and special knowledge, but some
pressure has come from outside sources in the form of
warnings. said no initially, but since then has experienced
the following: (Azlina(1) Nimi has been silent and sulky;
(2) Rosmah complimented Azlina on her taking a stand on
behalf of other employees; and (3) another supervisor
warned him that Nimis previous supervisor resigned
because Nimi initiated a campaign to get rid of her.
Azlina is considering these options to address the
situation:
1.Stand pat and do nothing.
2.Protect her flanks by going to Nimi and ask for her complete
support.
3.Back down by granting Rosmah her requests but to keep them to a
minimum.
4.Call Nimi into her office and tell her you resent her efforts and that
she intends to stand by his initial decision.
43

Negative Self Talk for a

supervisor
Negative self talk affects us in many ways. It can
lead to depression, stagnation, self pity, and many
other negative influences. All of these combined
lead us to not live our best possible life. Some
examples of Negative self talk are:
I dont think I can trust him
He is talking behind my back
He is mixing with my enemies therfore he must be
one of them
I dont think I can allow him to be better than me
I should torture him because he always speaks he
knows everything
emoto on water.ppt
44

Positive Self-talk for a supervisor

Positive self talk on the other hand can lead a person to
live the best life that they can. If instead of saying you
are not good enough you say I can do this. Not only
will you achieve your goals, but you will be happier and
healthier. Positive self talk gives you a permanent
cheerleader in your corner! One that carries positive
messages to all areas of your life and helps you move
forward. Other examples include:
He needs time to learn.
I need to change my style so that he listens
I have to get some evidence before taking any actions
I cannot be biased towards him because of one silly mistake
Let him mix with my enemies, It doesnt mean he is like that
too.
I am emotional, therefore should not let my emotions to flare
up and make irrational decisions
45

So How do You Change from Negative

to Positive Self Talk?

Step 1. You must first determine when you are engaging in

self talk. You can do this many ways, but here are a few that
might help.

Step 2. Once we determine what our self talk is saying

we need to adjust the beliefs behind the statement. We
cannot believe our new positive statements if we have
not changed the underlying belief or beliefs.
Step 3. After you know what you are saying and why
you are saying that, you can begin to reshape the way
you talk to yourself.
Begin with one of your statements and alter it to a
positive statement. I am angry person may
become I am good leader that never allow anger
to dictate me.

46

RAPPORT
AND PERSUARSIVE COMMUNICATION

47

RAPPORT
Structure of Rapport:
Professor Albert Mehrabian, Ph.D., of the University
of California, Los Angles (UCLA), in 1972 in a series of
controlled experiments was able to demonstrate that
non-verbal signals were significantly more influential
than other stimuli (see numbers below).
He found that more than 90% of our ability to influence
lies outside of the actual words we use.

48

What is Rapport
when people become like each
other, they like each other

A state of trusting and openness.

A perception of liking and being liked.
A state of feeling of closeness and safety.
A state where a person is less critical of ideas offered to them.
1 to 1
1 to many
Many to many

49

RAPPORT
Physiology
Posture/ Stance
Gesture
Facial Expression
Breathing
Eye Movement/
Blinking

Tonality
Volume (loudness)
Tone (pitch) Tempo (speed)
Timbre (quality/ clarity)
Resonance

93% of our
communication
takes place on
the
subconscious
level

Words
Predicates Key
Words
Common
experiences &
associations Content
chunks

50

Rapport through Physiology

Matching
Mirroring
Crossover Mirroring

Posture
Gestures
Facial Expression and Blinking
Breathing

51

RAPPORT
Physiology
Posture/ Stance
Gesture
Facial Expression
Breathing
Eye Movement/
Blinking

Tonality
Volume (loudness)
Tone (pitch) Tempo (speed)
Timbre (quality/ clarity)
Resonance

93% of our
communication
takes place on
the
subconscious
level

Words
Predicates Key
Words
Common
experiences &
associations Content
chunks

52

Mirroring EXERCISE
A faces B with C sitting (or standing) behind Bs
peripheral vision.
C places themselves in an unusual posture with facial
expressions.
A mirror the C gesture to B.
Change Partners.

53

Matching The Other Person's

Values (Values)
Establishing and maintaining rapport. Be sure
that you are matching the other person exactly. Start
off with a second or two delay in your matching or
mirroring and then move to matching the other
person almost simultaneously within a minute or two.
Avoid matching the other person using subtle
matches. This is not a match - do and move exactly
as they do. The only way to get into deep rapport is
to be willing to do what they do - 100% the same.
Having a definite outcome. Set an outcome for
everything you do. If your are to influence and
persuade you must know the outcome you want to
achieve.
54

Matching The Other Person's Values

(Values)
Eliciting or creating emotional states.
Basically we are talking about having the
ability/skill to either elicit or create an
emotional state in the other person, that is
the perfect emotional state for them to be
in if they were to naturally go ahead and
carry out the mutually beneficial suggestion
or action. This includes the ability to be
able to put yourself into this state (all your
verbals and non-verbals will indicate you
are in this state) before you create or elicit
the same emotional state in others.
55

Matching The Other Person's Values

(Values)

Matching the other person's criteria and values.

Eliciting and matching exactly the other person's
criteria and values for the context you wish to
influence and persuade. Utilizing criteria is critical!
That is what this Skill Building Exercise will cover.
Matching process/strategy. Irresistible influence
and persuasion is obtained when you are able to
determine the process/strategy the other person uses
for any particular decision that they make or action
that they take.. Again this is context dependent. Find
out their process and put your content into that
process and it will be absolutely irresistible to them.
(More about this in a future exercise).

56

Eliciting and matching the other

person's values.
Please note we will only cover just the very basics here.
In order to understand this let's assume that we are
going to influence or persuade someone to act or
think in a certain way that would be mutually
beneficial to them and to us.

57

Eliciting The Other

Person's Values.
Before we go into how we can elicit
someone's values, let's ensure that
we understand what we mean by
someone's values. (Next slide
includes excerpts from my
unpublished manuscript on MetaPrograms entitled "Patterns of
Influence"
58

Values
The Values Pattern:
Values are context dependent.
Each person has their own non-verbal process for
determining when something is good, right or appropriate
or bad, wrong and inappropriate for them. Each person
has words and phrases which describe these processes.
These words and phrases are called values. When a
person's values are met they will feel good and when the
values are not met they will feel badly.
It is important to note that when someone hears their own
personal values they will feel good.
It will be as though they just recognized a particular
situation which met their values and which gave them
pleasant feelings. This is because they have learned to
associate the good feelings with the values words and
phrases.

59

How to Elicite or Find

Someone's Values
We elicit or find out someone's values by asking one
of two questions. The general questions to ask are
either:
What is important to you in a "X"?
or
What's important to you about a "X"?
Where "X" is the context in which you wish to obtain
the values.
For example: If you were a car salesperson - you
would want to know the person's values for what they
considered a good car, so that you could be sure that
the car that you sell them will met their values. If it
does, they may buy it and if it doesn't, they will not
buy it.
60

How to Elicit or Find Someone's

Values cont
So, you would ask either of these values elicitation
questions:
What do you want in a car?
Or
What's important to you about a car?
In answering the question the person will give you
a list of words and phrases. These will be the
values which make them feel good about "X". In
our example a car. If you "say" a person's values
back to them, they should feel good. If they do not
feel good or show a pleasant response - what you
said was not their values.
61

How To Recognize or Identify

The Values cont
In our example, let's say that we ask: What's
important to you about a car? And they respond,
"We need something that is economical and has
enough room for my family." The two values that
they gave us here are:
it must be economical.
it must have room for a family.

We could ask essentially the same question

again to get more values. We ask, "And what
else is important to you?"
In answering, they might say, "It has to also have
four wheel drive so we can get around the hills."
Here we get another value: getting around the
hills.
62

Matching The Other Person's

Values

We Use Other Person's Values in Our Language To Create a

More Complete Understanding.
We then use the person's values in a sentence, in relation
to "X", back to them. We do not interpret the meaning of
the words or phases; we use the exact words directly as
they said them to us. We do not paraphrase!
In our example, we might say, "Great, so you're looking
for a car that is economical, has plenty of room for your
family and has front wheel drive so you can get around in
the hills. Is that right?"
When we "say" this values back to them, they should feel
good and we should be able to notice it in their nonverbal communication (a head nodding, a smile etc.).
If they do not feel good or show a pleasant response,
what we said was not their values and we would re-ask
the values elicitation questions.

63

Matching The Other Person's

Values
In selling a car to the people in our example, what is
real important to the person are:
that it is economical
that it has room for the family
that it can get around the hills
It is important to note that other features and benefits
of a car are not as important as these. So if you were
to attempt to sell this person with any other benefit
that is important to you - they would not likely buy because it is not important to them.
The key here is that you do not sell what features and
benefits you like, the manufacture emphasizes etc. -you sell what the buyer wants!
While we have emphasized values here, we assume
that all the other skills in irresistible communicating
will also be used.
64

Irresistible Communication, Influence

and Persuasion
Verbal pacing and leading
Verbal pacing and leading. Pacing what is
undeniably true and leading to what we want
to be believed as true or what has yet to be
established as being true.In addition using
Advanced Language Patterns to covertly insert
commands to the other person's unconscious
mind.

65

Eliciting and Creating Emotional

States.
Before we actually get into Eliciting and Creating
Emotional States, let's review a little of what I
call working theory or what is it that makes this
work so well and so easily. We'll briefly look at
these important concepts.
Start with an outcome in mind. What is the
"emotional state" you want to produce in yourself
and in the other person.
Almost anything is possible when you are in
rapport with someone.
To create an emotional state in someone else you
must first put yourself in that state.
66

Role play on feedback: choose a partner and

provide your feedback
Dayang (Manager): You are meeting with Ana a supervisor who has
been with the Department for about six years and understands how to
get things done to review his performance on a recent production
project.
Ana is a skilled supervisor and works tirelessly. However, her people
skills are bad and the operators morale are on high time low and
requiring interference from Dayang.
You ask to meet with Ana to provide him with positive feedback and
guidance about the appropriate level of people management.
Ana (Employee): You were frustrated by Dayang
constant
interference in your job. You wish that Dayang had more clearly
explained what he was expecting up front, as well as why explain why
he is not happy with you for doing your job well.

Meta Model The Questioning Technique

for the Supervisor cont
Ex: Listening to dinner conversation between
two people in a restaurant. It was clear to us
that neither could possibly know what the other
was talking about, but they thought they did.
You can have very meaningful conversations
and arguments without ever knowing what the
other
person
is
talking
about.

68

Meta Model The Questioning

Technique for the Supervisor

cont

To demonstrate the approach, the therapist brought to

the stage a woman who had a problem with her husband.
She explained that he often had to work late at the office
and, though he was very good about calling to let her
know, she still felt annoyed about it. The session
proceeded approximately as follows:
Therapist: Where does he call you from?
Client: His office.
Therapist: How do you know that?
Client: Well, he says he's still at his office.
Therapist: Could he have been calling from somewhere
else?
Client: (in obvious growing distress) It's possible, I guess.
69

Example on meta model

A technician is having a disciplinary problem. he
often comes late to work, often putting his supervisor
in trouble. even though the supervisor is kind enough
to cover up for the technician, the news has gone to
the higher management. the management called the
technician for inquiry:
manager: the hr record shows that you came late to
work for 5 times last month. how can you improve
yourself?
technician: i am sorry sir, i need to send my son to
school every morning that causes me the delay.
manager: do you think, the company should set
precedence to allow you to come late regularly?
technician: no sir, i know it is not possible
70

Another example

Manager: Since you know it is not possible, How could

you promise that you will come on time to work?
Technician: I will try my level best to come early sir
next time.
Manager: Is trying your best means there will be
chances that you will come late still?
Technician: No sir, I didnt mean that way.
Manager: What action do you think the company
should take if you repeat the mistake again, please
suggest?
Technician: No sir, I shall not repeat it again, promise!
Manager: ?????
71

Dealing with Difficult People

We all encounter difficult people; people who are just
plain tough to get along with. Perhaps these people
you work with, perhaps they are family members, or
perhaps they are people who cross your path for a little
while. In this workshop, you will learn to recognize
different difficult personality types, various strategies
that will help you manage and the importance of being
assertive.

72

Definition of Difficult
Hard to do, achieve, or comprehend. Not
easy, hard to manage; hard to satisfy.
-American Heritage Dictionary
troublesome, perplexing
-The concise Oxford Dictionary
hard to deal with;hard to please
-Gage Canadian Dictionary
73

Important questions to ask

ourselves in our discussions
about difficult people:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

What are some of the characteristics of the

person(s) I view as difficult?
Do other people perceive this person(s) as
difficult as well as me?
What is my own definition of a difficult person?
Is the person(s) I perceive as difficult always
difficult?
Are there times or occasions where the person(s)
is not difficult?
Has this person(s) always been difficult?
When this person(s) is being difficult, are there
some things that get triggered in me?
If yes, what is being triggered?
74

8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.

What might be some of the payoffs for this

person(s) to be difficult?
Where and why might this person(s) have
learned the behavior that I view as difficult?
What is the likelihood of this person(s) being
difficult in the next six months?
What is the likelihood of the person(s) being
less difficult in the next six months?
Is there anything about me that is difficult at
this time, or has been difficult in the past in my
interactions with this person?
Does this person or person(s) remind me of
someone else? Or remind me of another time or
period in my life?
75

Choices and Options

1. Suffer in silence
2. Suffer and complain
3. Pull back, Distance yourself, leave for a
while
4. Stay away permanently
5. Accept difficult people the way they are.
Note: Accept does not mean condone, or
agree with.
6. Protect/care for yourself when they are
around. Put on your emotional sunscreen
7. If required, keep yourself physically safe
and protected.
8. Exercise your influence.
76

A Model
In Bounds/ Out of Bounds
In Bounds
When people live healthy, well-balanced
lives, they want to
Be appreciated
Be mature
Be responsible
Be considerate
Be supportive
Be appropriate
etc
77

Out Of Bounds

When people have not learned to live healthy,

balanced lives; do not recognize their own
shortcomings and feel threatened or insecure, they
will:
Criticize/condemn
Command
Back down
Lash out
Act immature
etc

78

Types of Difficult People

Difficult people often have similar patterns to their
behavior. Several types of difficult people will be
described below. Some people engage in several of
these difficult behaviors, depending on the time,
the situation, the person, or their stage in life.
The General (the boss)
Believe they know what must be done
Have a need to control, command, or boss around.
Demanding, no matter what the cost
Use stares, verbal threats, intimidation
Opposition is not tolerated and must be eliminated
Views others as incapable or incompetent
79

The Judge (the critic)

Always critical and judgmental
Think, talk and breathe to criticize
Views almost everyone negatively
Passes judgment and sentence to everyone
Cynical, pessimistic, complainer
No one and nothing measures up
The Meddler (the nosy one)
Are always involved in things where they dont belong
They ask inappropriate, invasive and personal questions
They do the same with their comments
They know everything about everyone
They want to micromanage
Very nosy
Like to gossip
They play people

80

The Invalidator (the squasher)

Must put others down to feel good about
themselves
Have real difficulty recognizing or celebrating other
peoples successes
Not very happy with themselves
May present as big egos, but their egos are very
fragile
Dont want other people to be happy with
themselves
Give little jabs, comments, put downs (often in the
form of humor)
The Rebel (the non-conformist)
Always challenges authority. Refuses to go along by running
away, leaving, building opposition, disagreeing, getting angry,
undermining your support, being stubborn
Need to be different then other people
Have trouble going along with things

81

The Rebel (the non-conformist)

Always challenges authority. Refuses to go
along by running away, leaving, building
opposition, disagreeing, getting angry,
undermining your support, being stubborn
Need to be different then other people
Have trouble going along with things

82

The Pleaser (the nice one)

Gives a lot, but takes little
Takes care of everyone else, but not for
himself/herself
Gives, gives and gives some more, over-giver
Life is often out of balance
Learned to usually back down from situations
Most others do not give the same in return
Resentment, sadness, hurt blinds
Give more to get more
The Angry One (the troll)
Uses anger to get what he/she wants
Overt anger/convert anger
May be angry and not know it
People around him/her walk on eggshells
Uses anger as a cover for other emotions
Grumpy, irritable
Lashes out/explodes
83

The Whiner (the complainer)

Poor me attitude
Learned helplessness
Negative, pessimistic
Constant complainer
Glass is half empty, not half full
Gives up easily
Always a victim
Scarcity mentality versus an abundance mentality
Everyone else is lucky
The Habitual Liar
Lies to build oneself up
Sneaky manipulative
Often believes own version of truth
plays people
Behavior is more than exaggeration
Lies to get out of consequences/responsibilities
Often in own denial
84

The Im always right person

Must always be right
Think win/lose
Hates to back down
Rarely says Im sorry
Presents as big ego
Can be very domineering
Have difficulty listening to others
Can act very immature
Often have rigid thinking

Important to Remember: Difficult behavior has

been learned. Somewhere difficult people have

learned to behave in a particular way to help them
manage and cope with their world.

85

9 Most Unwanted List

cont
1.

Tank

2.

Confrontational, pointed & angry

The ultimate in pushy behavior

Sniper

Rude comments, biting sarcasm

Attempts to make you look foolish

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86

10 Most Unwanted
List
3.

Grenade

4.

After initial calm, explodes into uncontrolled

ranting & Azlinang

Know-it-All

Has a low tolerance for correction and

contradiction

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10 Most Unwanted
List
5.

Think-They-Know-It-All

6.

Attempt to fool some or all of the people most of

the time
Really an attempt to get attention

Yes Person

Say yes without thinking things through

An attempt to please people and avoid
confrontation

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10 Most Unwanted
List
7.

Maybe Person

8.

Procrastinates in hope that a better choice will

present itself

Nothing Person

No verbal feedback
No non-verbal feedback
Nothing

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10 Most Unwanted
List
9.

NO Person

Able to defeat big ideas with a single syllable

Deadly to morale

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SOLUTIONS
Our goal in dealing with difficult people is to make
what is unconscious, conscious. Our goal is to be
informed about what is going on in them and must of
all in us. Our goal is to make informed choices
versus having automatic reactions.
Choices and Options
When dealing with difficult people, it is important to
remember that you always have a choice. In fact,
you have several choices. There may be times when
you feel your choices are limited, but, in most
situations, there will be a variety of options to
choose from. Start with yourself. Operate from a
position of inner strength. Know your triggers. Do
your own inner work.
91

Exercise Your Influence

When you are trying to exercise some influence, look at what
people already do when they communicate successfully with
others.
1.

2.
3.

Look for common ground. Meet people where they are at,
and be intentional and deliberate about finding things in
common. Show signals with your body, your voice, and your
words. Try to emotionally connect. Look for emotional
bids. Send emotional bids of connection. Intentionally
blend with that person.
Redirect. Look for another similar focus. Connect with the
difficult persons emotion. Connect with the difficult persons
concept. (It does not mean that you have to agree.)
Assert yourself by setting your boundaries, by drawing your
line in the sand.

92

Skills to Assist You to Positively

Influence the Difficult Persons
Behavior
Firstly, you must weigh the pros and cons of saying
nothing, and the pros and cons of your decision to
try to positively influence the difficult person.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Look for positive intent. Look for common ground.

Demonstrate positive intent. Send emotional bids. Find
ways to connect. Look for similarities.
Know your own triggers. Protect your psyche. Change
your reactions. Be confident. Put on sunscreen
protection.
Know their triggers. Attempt to understand how they
become difficult. Attempt to understand what is driving
that behavior now.
Picture yourself as a fact finder/detective. Dont react
emotionally. Stay calm, focused, reassured.
93

6.

Prepare in advance what you will say. (practice, role

play, visualize, talk with someone you trust.) Find the
right time and the right place to talk. (ie. Neutral turf)
7. Ask specific questions when dealing with
generalizations. What? Where? Who? When? How? Is
this first hand information? Who said that
specifically? Were those the exact words? Give
another view of the facts.
8. Make what is vague, more clear. Ask specific and
clarifying questions. help me understand this better.
What do you mean by foolish? What does strange
mean to you? How do you know I think that?
9. Redirect to the emotion that is being triggered, or to
the concept or belief that is being presented.
10. Use I statements. I see it from this perspective. I
need to hear more. Id like us to get along better.
or Use we statements. We want a good solution.
We need a good relationship to make this work.
94

11. Pay very careful attention to the language and words

that are used, theirs and yours.
12. What is their job, interests, strengths?
13. Reinforce the person when they are not being difficult.
Connect with them.
14. Ask for their input, opinion, thoughts and suggestions.
Show respect.
15. Reinforce the new, desired behaviors.
16. Show appreciation; verbal, written, small gift/token,
etc.
17. Understand the persons life rules, their beliefs.
18. Presuppose how they might do things the next time.
Plant the seed. in the future Next time this is the
way to approach me This might be helpful
19. Take care of yourself. Be your own best friend.
Surround yourself with positive, healthy people.
20. Set your limits both personal and professional
95

Staff Weaknesses : Personality and Attitudes

Emotional Illiteracy
We are our own enemy
Zero Tolerance
Poor listener
Wanting to win an argument
Life without empathy
Uncontrolled impulse
Old habits hard to die

96

13 ways how to handle difficult

people
1. Welcome the disagreement
2. Do not be defensive
3. Control your temper and facial expressions
4. Listen first and always listen
5. If too hard, switch to computer mode
6. Look for areas of agreement
7. Be honest
8. Do not get offended if your ideas are not accepted
9. Promise to think over the other persons suggestions
10.Use silent as your weapon
11.Thank your opponent sincerely for their comments/
feedback/ suggestions
12.Buy time while can
13.The only way to get the best of an argument is avoid it

97

11 ways how to make people listen

to you?
1. Do not criticize
2. Fulfill customers desire to be great/ important.
3. Do not kill enthusiasms
4. Talk what others want rather than what you want
5. Win yourself a listening
6. Use the right language
7. Do not forget the right gestures
8. Do not interrupt while others are talking
9. Win a person by losing an argument
10.Enter other peoples heart via kindness
11.Always talk something relevant to others
98

Eight ways to make people like you

1.

Begin with praise and honest appreciation

2.

Have genuine interest in people

3.

Give a gesture how pleased you are to meet or talk to

people

4.

Throw a real smile

5.

Remember the names which is the most important sound

6.

Be a good listener by encouraging others to talk about

themselves

7.

Talk in terms of other persons interest

8.

Make the person important and do it sincerely

99

8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.

Non-verbal communication: pay attention to your

body, face, voice, tones, etc.
Use I statements and/or we statements. Avoid you
statements.
Acknowledge persons value pr previous positive
behavior, then state your feedback on current negative
behavior or comments. Look for the good.
Focus on win/win.
Listen well. Seek to understand.
Agree with part or portion of their comments
Practice role play scenario/situation with a trusted
friend, relative, or co-worker.

100

15.
16.
17.
18.

Set your limits and boundaries

Step back physically and emotionally if necessary
Walk away for a short time/long time/permanently
Withhold attention. Do not respond verbally or nonverbally to negative behavior and comments.
19. Responding to attacks or manipulations:
Dont over defend yourself
Dont over deny yourself
Dont counter-attack
Dont get into or play the game
20. After the incident:
What could you have done differently?
Do you regret how things have turned out?
If you could change something from that day or
incident, what would you change?
What do you need to change?

101

ADDITIONAL NOTES

102

LAB PROFILE ADDITIONAL NOTES

103

Does the person take the

initiative or Wait for others?
Proactive people initiate. They tend to act with little or
no consideration; to jump into situations without
thinking or analyzing. They may upset some people
because they can bulldoze ahead with what they want
to do. They are good at going out and getting the job
done. They do not wait for others to initiate.

104

Does the person take the

initiative or Wait for others?
Reactive people prefer to wait for others
to initiate or until the situation is right
before they act. They may consider and
analyze without acting. They want to fully
understand and assess before they will
act. They believe in chance and luck. They
will spend a lot of time waiting. They may
upset some people because they don't
"get started". In the extreme, they
operate with extra caution and study
situations endlessly.
105

Does the person take the

initiative or Wait for others?
Proactive
"I meet with my team every week."
Mainly Reactive
"Even thought I wonder if it is
necessary to meet with my team every week, I do it in
order to make sure they feel they are being listened
to."

106

Direction Pattern: Towards To (TT)

People with a Towards pattern stay
focused on their goal. They think in terms
of goals to be achieved. They are
motivated to have, get, achieve, attain,
etc. They have trouble either recognizing
what should be avoided, or in identifying
problems. They tend to be good at
managing priorities. They are energized
by their goals. In the absence of a goal to
move towards, these people may become
demotivated.
107

Direction Pattern: Away From (AF)

When people are in an Away From mode, they
easily recognize what should be avoided, gotten
rid of and otherwise not happen. Their
motivation is triggered when there is a problem
to be solved or something to get away from.
They may have some trouble maintaining focus
on their goals. They can be easily distracted and
are compelled to respond to negative situations.
They may have difficulty managing priorities
because whatever is wrong will attract their
attention. They are energized by threats. Away
From people are great trouble-shooters and can
pinpoint possible obstacles during the planning
stage.
108

Directions to Take
TT Let me work out a solution to this problem preemptively . Before that let me analyze the problem for
better solutions
AF Let me seek someone to solve this problem. I shall
take over only if he/she unable to do so.
AF2 Let me prepare the facts well so that I need not
get involved in this problem.

109

Does the person find motivation in

external sources, or from standards
and beliefs?
Internal people provide their own
motivation. They decide about the quality
before accepting other people's opinions
and outside direction. When they get
negative feedback on work they feel has
been well done, they may question the
opinion of the person giving the feedback.
They may gather information from others,
but they decide about it. Because they
take instruction as information, they may
be hard to supervise.
110

Does the person find motivation in

external sources, or from standards and
beliefs?
External people need other people's opinions and
outside direction. If they do not get that information
they may not know how well they are doing. They take
information as instructions. They are motivated when
someone else decides. They have trouble starting or
continuing an activity without some kind of feedback.

111

Source for Motivation

Internal "I know when I have done a good job."

"I usually know. I appreciate it

when my boss compliments me, but
generally, I know when I have done well."
Mainly External "I usually meet the
quotas set by my boss and my clients
seem happy. And also I can tell when I am
working well.
External "My clients are happy. My boss
is happy."
Mainly Internal

112

How does a person approach daily work? Is there a

continual quest for other ways to do it, or is there
a preference to follow established procedures?
Options people are motivated by opportunities;
possibilities to do something in a different way. There is
always another better way to do things. They can
create procedures but have great difficulty following
them. If you give Options people a guaranteed way to
make a million dollars, they will try to improve it. Break
the rules.

113

How does a person approach daily work? Is

there a continual quest for other ways to do
it, or is there a preference to follow
established procedures?
Procedures people like to follow a set process. They
believe there is a "right" way to do things. Once they
have a procedure they can follow it over and over
again. Without one they may feel lost. When they
commence a procedure, the most important thing for
them is to complete the procedure. There might be
choice points between start and completion of a
procedure

114

How does a person react to change and what

frequency of change is needed? Does the motivation
to change come from coercive "difference" or

Sameness people want their world to stay the

same. They do not like change and may refuse
to adapt. They may accept a major change once
every ten years, but they will provoke change
only once every fifteen to twenty-five years.
Sameness with Exception
These people like life to stay mainly the same
but will accept change once a year if the
change is not drastic. They prefer their
situations to evolve slowly over time. They tend
to resist major changes except when they are
perceived to be gradual. They need change
once every five to seven years.
115

How does a person react to change and what

frequency of change is needed? Does the motivation
to change come from coercive "difference" or

Difference
They love change; they want it to be constant
and major. They will resist static or stable
situations. They need drastic change every
one to two years, and if they do not get it may
leave. They like change to be revolutionary,
dramatically different.
Sameness with Exception and Difference
People with this double pattern like change
and revolution but are also comfortable when
things are evolving. They are happy with both
revolution and evolution. They need major
change every three years.
116

Working Traits
The next eight categories of the LAB Profile describes
internal processing: how people, process information,
what type of tasks and environment they need to be
most productive, and how they go about becoming
convinced

117

Scope : What size chunk of

information
does the person handle
Specific people handle small pieces of information
well?
better. They may have difficulty perceiving the

overview. They treat information in sequences, step by

step, in all its detail. They may perceive the trees,
branches and twigs, rather than the forest. They may
have difficulty prioritizing as a result. They are excellent
at logistics or anything where attention to detail is
critical.

118

Scope : What size chunk of

information
does the person handle
General: They prefer to work on the overview or at the
well?
conceptual level, though they can concentrate on
details for a short period of time. They may present
ideas in a random order. They concentrate on the forest
and having to deal with the trees for long periods of
time irritates them.

119

Attention Direction : Does a person

respond to and display non-verbal
behaviors?
Self
They don't show many emotions. They
have a time gap between receiving a
stimulus and responding to it. They
respond based on what they believe to be
appropriate, and are convinced by the
content. They may have difficulty
establishing rapport because they don't
notice other people's body language and
therefore they miss many cues. They
"know" how well the communication is
going based on their own feelings.
120

Attention Direction : Does a person

respond to and display non-verbal
behaviors?

Other:
They have automatic, reflex reactions
to other people's behavior. They are
animated and respond to others by
facial movements, body movements
and shifts in voice tone. They know
how the communication is going based
on the responses they observe from
the other person. They are good at
creating and maintaining rapport.
121

Stress Response : How does a person react to

the stress in a given environment?
Feelings: They have emotional responses to the
normal levels of stress for that environment. They go
into their emotions and stay there. High stress jobs are
difficult for them to handle. They are best suited to
artistic or creative work where emotion provides the
juice. As sales people they find it difficult to handle
rejection and may not prospect as often as they should.

122

Stress Response : How does a person react to

the stress in a given environment?
Choice
They first have an emotional response to normal
stressful working situations and then either return to an
unemotional state or not as they desire in a given
situation. Because they feel emotions, they can
empathize with others or choose not to. They tend to
perform well as managers.

123

Stress Response : How does a person react to

the stress in a given environment?
Thinking
They do not have emotional responses to normal
stressful situations. They have trouble empathizing.
They will not panic in most emergencies, but rather
stay calm and keep their wits about them.

124

Style : What kind of environment allows the person to

work best: alone, with others around, or sharing
responsibility?
Independent
They want to work alone and have sole responsibility.
Their productivity suffers if others are around or if they
have 0 share responsibility. When others interrupt, they
can lose their train of thought

125

Style : What kind of environment allows the person to

work best: alone, with others around, or sharing
responsibility?
Proximity
They want a clear territory of responsibility but need to
have others around or involved. Their productivity will
fall however if others share in the responsibility and
authority, or if they have to work alone.

126

Style : What kind of environment allows the person to

work best: alone, with others around, or sharing
responsibility?
Co-operative
They want to work and share responsibility with others.
They believe in the 2+2=5 synergy principle. They
have trouble with deadlines and finishing tasks if they
have to work on their own.

127

Organization: Does the person concentrate

more on thoughts and feelings, or on ideas,
systems and tools?
Person
They are centered on the feelings and thoughts of
either themselves or others. Feelings can take on such
an importance that they become the task itself. They
organize their work so that they can focus on people
and their feelings. They are probably good at
establishing rapport.

128

Organization: Does the person

concentrate more on thoughts and
feelings, or on ideas, systems and
tools?

Thing
They concentrate on products, ideas, tools, tasks and
systems (things).
They treat people and ideas as things, and believe that
emotions have no place in the world of work. They want
to "get things done", and have a task orientation.

129

Organization: Does the person concentrate

more on thoughts and feelings, or on ideas,
systems and tools?

Person
speak about people, emotions, feelings
will name people, use personal pronouns
people are the object of their sentences
Thing
talk about processes, systems, tools, ideas,
tasks, goals
will not mention people often except as
impersonal
pronouns i.e. "they", "you"
people become objects, parts of a process
130

Rule Structure : What are the rules for behavior

that a person applies to themselves and others?
No/My
No rules or don't know rules for me/My rules for
you
They don't know or don't have guidelines for
themselves, but once given rules, are quite willing
to pass them on to others.
My/Your
My rules for me/Your rules for you
They know the rules and policies to follow but
may be reluctant to communicate them to others
because they believe everyone is different. They
may not state their expectations because they
can perceive both sides of an issue, when in a
management role. They can make good
counselors, consultants and therapists.
131

Rule Structure : What are the rules for behavior

that a person applies to themselves and others?

My/My
My rules for me/My rules for you
They have rules for themselves and the same
ones for others. They are willing to
communicate their rules to others. They
believe that what is good for them selves will
also suit other people. As managers they will
clearly state their expectations.
My/.
My rules for me/I don't care
They have rules for themselves and don't care
about anyone else. They are not of malicious
intent; others simply don't enter into the
equation.
132